Can We Ever Get Back To Before
by She'sAShipper
Summary: AU! Harm and Mac's seemingly perfect marriage falls on hard times. Can they find their way back to each other? Updated June 25, 2007! Chapter 80! The End! Of this one...
1. Chapter 1

**Can We Ever Get Back to Before?**

**Rating: T and M in later chapters**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters used in this fic**

**Summary: A story about pain, loss, and the evil monster that is endometriosis. Can Harm and Mac's marriage survive the pain of illness, infidelity, and perhaps death?**

**Special Thanks to Snugglebug for working with me on this fic and to all those who read and reviewed it. Thanks to all who e-mailed to ask where I went. I believe I have corrected the problem and hope to repost and update by the end of the weekend.**

**Chapter One**

**1100 ZULU**

**Mackenzie/Rabb Residence**

**On the outskirts of Manassas, VA**

Sarah Mackenzie Rabb opened her brown eyes and looked at the clock on the bedstead. It read 5:59 am, but she knew it was all ready six am. No matter how far her husband set the time back, he couldn't set back her internal clock or their daughter's.

Mac rolled over and felt her hand brush against the smooth unwrinkled sheets. She'd forgotten Harm had gone to Mexico for three days on assignment. God she missed him, even after six years of marriage he was still very much a part of her soul. True he'd made mistakes, so had she, but they'd made it, he'd kept his promises to her. Some couples, too many couples let the strain of daily living distract them or let the mistakes made by one partner or the other get between the love they felt. Others could not deal with splitting time between work, children, and romance, but not them. Thank God, not them.

She stretched and rolled out of bed as soon as she heard the Mr. Coffee start to percolate.

She had to drop DJ and Lucy off at Harriet's by 7:30 so she could be at JAG by 8:30. Getting the two kids up and ready with Harm home to help with breakfast and dressing was rough, but doing it on her own was even tougher.

David Jonathan, DJ, was like Harm, slow to rise and always the cause of their being late to something. Lucielle Patricia, Lucy was just like Mac, internally programmed to be on time for everything, provided that she wanted to be.

Mac slowly walked to Lucy's room to find her daughter standing in the doorway, her worn out Winnie the Pooh clutched in her little hand. "Mommy, it's 06:02."

"I know, Sweetie. Why don't you put Pooh down and go to the head for while Mommy gets DJ up and let's Colleen out okay?" Mac told the child.

Mac watched out of the corner of her eye as the near five year old padded to the "green" bathroom still holding her Pooh bear.

Mac let it go and quickly went to the side door to let their large Irish Setter out into the year before she went into their two year old son David's room and woke him, "Hi, Little Boy. Time to get up and greet the morning," she said as she stroked his cheek.

"No," the toddler vehemently protested. "Night night."

"No more sleep now. Come on," Mac sighed and reached over the rail of his airplane bed to lift him out ignoring the familiar pull in her side. The toddler buried his face in his mother's neck and mumbled, "Want Daddy."

"I know, Sweets. Sunday, you'll see Daddy. Now be good and let's get ready to go to Auntie Harriet's," Mac sighed as she placed the boy on his changing table and gave him a new pull-up.

**1105 ZULU**

**0505 CST, Mexico**

**Hotel Cabo Wabo**

**Room 45**

Harmon Rabb, Jr. woke slowly that Friday morning and stretched out his long arms. It was getting harder as he was getting older, sleeping on the crappy hotel mattresses. He felt the movement next to him and out of six years of habit raised his arm to allow his partner to snuggle next to his chest before they began the daily grind. She moved next to him and laid her hand on his chest. He looked down at her and smiled. She was beautiful, even after all this time. Her soft brown hair, clear silky skin, blue eyes…blue eyes?

"Sarah?" he rasped, his voice hoarse from lack of use.

"Try again, Commander," the woman said and sat up. "And don't tell me you don't remember what happened last night."

Harm shook his head, trying to shake the tequila fog out of his brain. He knew he'd had a few too many margheritas but he didn't think he'd had that many. He remembered going to the bar in the hotel after meeting the Ambassador. He remembered ordering a house margherita on the rocks. He remembered sitting down at the bar drinking one when Annie had…oh God. He opened his eyes and looked at the woman next to him. For the first time since last night he wasn't looking into the face of his beloved wife, but into the face of neurotic ex Annie Pendry.

"Oh my God," he gasped. "Oh my God, oh my God."

"That's more like it," she sighed as she leaned over to kiss his lips.

Quickly Harm turned his head away from her mouth so that her lips landed on the inside of his ear. "Annie this was wrong, this shouldn't have happened."

"That's not what you said last night," Annie sighed. "Last night you were more than ready for this to happen."

"I wasn't myself last night. It was the tequila or Mexico or…" He thought to himself, "_Six months without sex." _

"Or the fact you wanted me," she whispered huskily.

"Annie…" he shook his head sadly. "What we had…I don't even know what…all I know is that Mac will be crushed if…Annie, I'm so sorry. This was a mistake; you and I have been…There's no excuse. I'm sorry."

Annie smiled a small sad smile, "I know Harm. I'm sorry too. I'm married again too. It's just seeing you after all this time brought back some really wonderful memories."

Harm reached his hand and touched her cheek, "Yeah it did," he agreed. "Now, I think we need to file this…" he motioned with his free hand to the bed. "With those other wonderful memories and leave it where it belongs. Here in Mexico."

Annie solemnly nodded and rose from the bed, making sure to give Harm a full view of her body as she did so. "I'm going to shower and get out of your hair."

"Thank you for being so great about this," Harm said. "I wish…"

"If wishes were horses, Harm," Annie sighed. "No harm done."

While Annie went to the bathroom to shower, Harm reached for the phone receiver and dialed a familiar number. He just prayed that Mac would be too busy with their rambunctious children to hear the pain in his voice.

**1130 Zulu**

**Mackenzie Rabb Residence**

**On the outskirts of ManassasVA**

With Lucy washed and dressed for the day and DJ cleaned up with a fresh pull up and clothing, Mac quickly made breakfast for her children. When Harm was home usually one or the other would make oatmeal or scrambled eggs or pancakes, but when it was just Mac or just Harm it was Cheerios and Rice Krispies.

Once breakfast was well on its way, Mac went to grab her shampoo and used the kitchen sink to wash her hair before putting on her uniform. Thankfully, she'd taken to pinning on her insignia and fruit salad the night before work so she didn't have to do it in the morning. Just as she was about to plug her blow dryer into the socket next to the toaster, the phone rang.

"Daddy!" Lucy exclaimed, knowing whenever Harm or Mac were away they made check in call in the morning.

Mac pushed the speaker phone button, "Hello?"

"Hey, Sweetheart," Harm tried to greet her as cheerfully as possible give the pain in his head and the guilt in his heart.

"Hi, Harm. Hi, Daddy," Came through the phone.

"Hey, Buttons," Harm greeted. "You guys being good for Mommy?"

"Yes, Sir," Lucy replied amidst DJ's, "Daddy home."

"I will be soon, Champ," Harm replied. "You take care of Mommy until I get back okay?"

"Kay!" DJ replied with an enthusiasm only a child could apply to the situation.

"Good," Harm praised. "Sarah, pick up the phone now."

"Finish your breakfast, Lucy," she instructed lifting the receiver as she began to lad the dishwasher. "How are you, Sailor? You sound funny."

"I'm fine. I had a few too many margheritas last night so I've got a bit of a headache. How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Okay, we're busy here, but physically I'm okay," Mac told him and it was true. Before her period each month she had some minor pain from her endometriosis with was more than manageable with mild painkillers. It was during her period and sadly their more intimate moments as a couple that there was real trouble with it. Harm promised he'd never leave her alone with the children during those times and he hadn't broken that promise yet.

"How's the investigation going?" she asked while wiping DJ's hands as he fussed.

"Well. There's no way I won't be home by Sunday for the barbeque," Harm told her.

"Are you sure, Flyboy? You sound off?" Mac knew when something was wrong with him. You don't have nine years together, six of them as husband and wife and not learn subtleties of behavior and tone.

"Yeah, I just miss my Ninja Girl. I love you so much," he told her honestly his voice cracking. "My arms ache at night without you in them." That was true as well.

"Me too, Honey," Mac replied. "I'll see you Sunday and I'll be here for you to hold. I love you."

**1145 ZULU**

**545 CST, Mexico**

**Hotel Cabo Wabo**

**Rm 45**

Annie heard Harm's contrite voice on the phone talking to his wife presumably. "My arms ache at night without you in them, Sarah. I hate these trips."

Silence then, "I love you, too. I'm sorry…" Another silence. "I know. Kiss the kids and take care of yourself. Bye."

"Sarah," Annie grumbled. "Always Sarah." She was always between them, even when Annie had first met them in California and ultimately she was the reason their relationship had not survived and she was in a bad marriage to a man she did not love. It was Sarah's fault that she was in this kind of pain. And from what Harm had told her last night, he was not exactly delirious with joy anymore either.

But what could she do really? This was simply the way things were. Part of her though wished Sarah Mackenzie Rabb could find out that she hadn't tamed Harmon Rabb, Jr. after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**See Chapter One for notes and disclaimers**

**Sunday**

**1935 ZULU**

**Mackenzie Rabb Residence**

**On the outskirts of Manassas, VA **

Colleen's loud bark signaled the arrival of the first guest at what had become the annual End of the Season Barbeque at Harm and Mac's house. Harm was late returning home from Andrews so it fell to Mac with limited help from Lucy to get the yard ready.

When Harriet and Bud Roberts arrived with their four children, DJ was sitting in his sandbox playing with his toy tugboat while Mac was lining up cans of soda for Lucy to put in the large cooler.

"Hello, Ma'am," Harriet greeted from the gate. "You look like you could use some help there."

"I could. I have to get the salads from inside and the salsa dip, but Harm's not here and I don't want to leave DJ and Lucy unattended," Mac replied.

"I'll keep an eye on them. Jimmy is all ready on is way to the sandbox," Harriet indicated with a nod. "Go ahead, I'll get this."

"Thanks, Harriet," Mac smiled. "Where's Bud?"

"He's getting Jimmy and AJ's things out of the van,"she sighed and rolled her eyes. "They have more stuff than two adults do."

"I'm familiar with that. I'll be right back." With that Mac sprinted off to the house.

She enjoyed domesticity. She liked having backyard barbeques and playing oldies on a worn out battery operated radio. She liked watching Harm in a tank top and shorts grill burgers and hot dogs that he'd never eat. But mostly, she liked the feeling she got when they were together, the whole "family." It was the time when she felt the most inner peace.

Mac walked to the refrigerator and started taking out the salads and fruits that she wanted to put out. She'd bought a pineapple and a watermelon at the store the day before and wanted to slice them as light appetizers. She took the cutting board from the cupboard and the large knife from the childproofed drawer and began working on the watermelon.

She let her mind wander as she worked thinking about a conversation she'd relived thousands of times since her gynecologist told her she should never risk having another baby if she by some miracle of God managed to get pregnant again.

It was in the hospital the night that David was born. She was lying there watching Harm cuddle the boy after she'd nursed him. He was smiling a tender smile that only developed when Lucy was born looking reverently at their newborn son.

"_Our lives are perfect now, Sarah," he had told her. "We have our daughter at home and our son. We have the most incredible dog in the universe and most of all we have each other."_

"_Yeah," she had said groggily._

"_You know what would make this truly perfect though," he said placing a small kiss on his son's forehead._

"_No, what would make this truly perfect," she asked through a yawn._

"_About two more of these," he gestured to the baby. "I've always wanted a large family. Four children. It would be great to have two of each, but four is the right number. I feel that, you know?"_

"_What I know, Flyboy, is that you have to be insane if you think I will even remotely consider having two more babies now after thirty-three hours of labor with Commander Hard Head Jr. over there," Mac quipped._

"_We don't have to discuss it now," he conceded. "I just wanted to share that dream."_

That was his dream and her dream too; four children, their lovely dog, this great house and a crop of wonderful friends. That was of course until the doctor had delivered the blow to them three months ago.

While Mac was woolgathering, she didn't realize that she had cut most of the watermelon and was getting very close to the end of the large fruit. As she moved the sharp knife over to the end of the melon she encountered resistance in the form of her hand.

"Damn!" she swore but before she moved to run her hand under the sink she felt strong hands seize her by the shoulders and steer her there.

"Harm," she sighed and leaned back against her husband but fighting his grip on her injured hand.

"Put your hand under the water," he instructed pulling the limb forward. "What were you thinking about? You were a million miles away."

"I was thinking about our dreams," she replied, knowing that he'd get her meaning. That assumption was affirmed when he placed a kiss on the top of her head before turning off the water. "Dry your hand off. I'll get the ointment and some bandages."

It only took Harm a minute to get the antibacterial cream, a two by four bandage, and tape. Rejoining Mac in the kitchen he gently bandaged her hand, applying a liberal amount of cream, and then placed the gauze over the wound securing it with the tape. Once that was done he lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it gently, "There you go. All better."

She smiled and lifted her mouth to his kissing his lips lovingly. "Welcome home, Sailor. I didn't hear you come in."

"That's because you were in another world, Honey. I was standing there nearly five minutes watching you," he told her.

"Oh, yeah? Wondering when you're wife was going to slice herself to death with a knife?" she asked lightly.

"No," he smiled. "I was marveling at how lucky I was to have such a beautiful creature in my kitchen. Speaking of which…" He trailed off and disappeared in to the living room returning moments later with a bouquet of long stemmed roses. "Beautiful flowers for my beautiful wife," he told her.

"Harm," Mac blushed and smelled her roses. "You never bring me flowers, Flyboy. What's going on?"

"Nothing," he lied quickly. There was no way he was going to tell her about what happened in Mexico. The pain would kill her. It sure enough was killing him and he was the one who had done it. "I just love you that's all. I'm sorry for being gone this weekend." That sure wasn't a lie.

"It's all right," she told him. "I'm going to put these in water and get back our guests. We are being very rude hosts, Sailor."

"You bring out the food and stuff. I just want to unpack my stuff really quick and then I'll be out," he told her pulling her close for one more kiss. "I love you, Ninja Girl."

Mac smiled, "I love you too." With that she left the flowers in the care of her husband and headed outside shaking her head.

Harm quickly trimmed the roses and put them in one of the vases that Mac kept under the kitchen sink. Then he went into the bedroom to unpack his case before everything in there wrinkled and Mac yelled at him when he asked her to iron them. She hated to iron and if he left his clothes packed until later she would say, "Harm, if you weren't so lazy I wouldn't have to do this. Why didn't you unpack right away? Then it wouldn't have wrinkled." She was such a stickler about things like that.

He hastily unpacked the suitcase taking the clothes out, examining them, and putting them in the hamper if they were dirty. It was in doing this that he saw it, a lipstick stain on the collar of his suntans. It was mystic pink, a color that Annie had always worn and that Mac hated. She couldn't find that, if she did it was over and he knew it.

"Harm!" Mac called. "Come on the kids want to see their Daddy and the Admiral's here."

"Coming, Hon," he called and quickly shoved the soiled shirt under their mattress until he could decided what to do before tossing the rest of his clothes on the bed and heading for the back door.

The excited shouts of "Daddy!" that greeted Harm as usual warmed his heart. He saw Lucy running to him and DJ doing his best to toddle across the yard. He met them half way and scooped both of them into his arms.

"I missed you Daddy," Lucy squealed.

"I missed you too, Button," he smiled and kissed her hair. "How are you doing Big Guy?"

"DJ play sand," he told his Daddy. "Down."

Harm squeezed the boy and slid him down to the ground watching him run off to play.

"Hey, Commander," AJ Chegwidden called. "When are we going to get some meat over here?"

"Coming, Sir," Harm replied and made it over to the blue table where his former CO and friends were sitting.

Bud had finally taken to calling his friends by their names in their home asked, "How was Mexico, Harm?"

"It was eventful," he replied.

"I'll bet," AJ chuckled. "I remember dealing with PO Nelson once or twice when I was still the JAG. Pain in the butt."

"More than, Sir," Harm replied.

"I'm not your CO anymore, Rabb," AJ chastised. "It's AJ. "

Harm nodded and moved over to the cooler where Mac was bending over taking out the hamburger meat. He walked over to her, put his arm around her waist and puller her close for a minute before taking the job up himself. Harriet, who was observing this from her perch near he husband smiled, "They are so in love. It's wonderful really."

Bud slipped his arm around her shoulders. "We're pretty in love too, I'd think."

"You bet," Harriet agreed.

"Okay, this is officially making me sick," AJ grumbled. "And the food looks too good not to eat so cool it."

"Aye, aye, Sir," they both replied and AJ groaned.

**0323 ZULU**

**Mackenzie Rabb Residence**

**On the outskirts of Manassas, VA**

"That was a good party," Harm sighed as sat down on the sofa with a beer in hand. "I like being this kind of tired."

"What kind of tired?" Mac inquired.

"The kind when your tired because you spent a day having fun in the sun with your friends, your children, and the woman you love more than anything in the world," he replied giving her a tender kiss.

"What's gotten into you, Harm?" Mac asked leaning her body closer to his.

"I missed my wife. I missed my children, and I know I've…" he trailed off. He should tell her. He should be honest and tell her what happened. But he couldn't. She too vulnerable and knowing would tear her apart. He had to show he still loved her, he had to show himself.

"Ssh," she leaned up and kissed him. "You've been wonderful. I've been irritable and standoffish. I've shut you out and I'm sorry. And more than that I'm sorry that I haven't really wanted to be…"

"Ssh," Harm placed a hand to her lips. "Its okay, Sarah."

"No it's not," she countered and closed the space between them for a quick kiss before she went to turn on the radio.

When she returned she sat down on his lap, legs straddling each side of him. She leaned over and kissed him on the lips, not a chaste kiss, not even a loving kiss, but an enticing kiss one that meant she wanted him, wanted the passion that had always existed between them.

Harm returned her kiss with the same passion that Mac had used to initiate it. He used his mouth and his hands to show her he loved her, to prove to her and to himself that she was his world. When she was clinging and willing he lifted her up into his arms and carried her to their bedroom.

Harm set her down gently on their bed leaning over her, studying her face. The years had done little to diminish her beauty. He reached out and caressed her cheek with his hand feeling the contrast between their skin, rough and smooth, his rough hand on her smooth cheek. It was the same with their bodies, his hard muscular one against her soft pliant one, even in spite of her Marine training. It was the perfect contrast for man and woman, hard and soft, rough and smooth, squid and Jarhead.

He closed the space between their bodies placing a kiss on her inviting mouth before he began to undress her. Each section he exposed was thoroughly worshipped with his hands, his lips, and his tongue until every inch of her body was revealed to him.

All this while Mac was lying there allowing her husband to love her. Since her diagnosis and a few ill-fated attempts at love making prior to its, Harm had not initiated sex with her or even shown an interest in her advances since then until now. She knew it was because he feared causing her pain, but still his isolation hurt more. She felt like she was broken all ready, Harm's rejection in their bed only confirmed that idea.

Tonight he was different. He was open to love making and he was by and large the giver not the taker. He was loving her. He still wanted her and that knowledge brought her to tears.

Harm saw the tears leak out of Mac's eyes as he worked his way from her belly button to the valley between her breasts. He stopped his assault on her body and moved so he was face to face with her.

Harm knew Sarah's tears, her sad and her happy tears and these were a mixture of both. Gently he wiped her tears with his hand, "Why are you crying, Sarah? Am I hurting you?"

"No," she replied. "You're being very gentle. It'sjust…"

"Tell me," he urged.

"It's just since we found out about my condition you haven't…" she swallowed a sob. "You haven't really wanted to be together like this and I was starting to believe, I did believe you thought that…you thought I was…that you were…" She couldn't say what she was thinking, but he knew. He also knew how she got the idea, and when. What he didn't know was why he let her think it when nothing was further from the truth.

"That what, Baby?" he crooned to her, brushing her cheek with his palm to wipe away the tears.

"That you didn't want me anymore, that I was not the woman you married," she finished.

"No," Harm sighed. "You're not. You are no longer the zealous, tough Marine Major that I married. Now you are a zealous, tough Marine Major, and a loving, beautiful wife, and a gentle, giving, wonderful mother whom I love more than the day I married her."

"Then why…?" she began.

"Why?" he echoed. "Sarah, you and I…The first time before you knew about it when we…We made love that night and you cried, but you didn't cry because it was beautiful o because you had some ridiculous notion in your head like now, you cried because I hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you like that even and to think that I did…That I have," he leaned over and kissed her again.

"You didn't, Harm," she comforted when he ended his kiss. "It's not your fault, you couldn't have known. I didn't."

"I was trying to protect you, and in that…I made such a mess of things." He held her gaze, blue eyes shining with unshed tears of remorse but not only for the sins he had confessed.

"Its not as bad as all that," she assured him. "We just need to talk more. We used to communicate so well."

"What's happened to us, Sarah?" he asked laying his head against her chest.

"Too busy," she replied. "Both of us have busy, demanding careers, a huge house to take care of, the car from Hell, and two very rambunctious stubborn children. We've gotten so caught in the daily grind we don't know how to talk to each other anymore. I've wanted to say that to you, what I said before, for a long time, but I'm tired or you are, or I don't feel well, or you're out of town…life happened Harm."

"We have to make sure from now on we take break from life," he told lifting his head and kissing her lips again.

"Make love to me, Harm," she said after a moment of silence. "I want you to make love to me."

He kissed her lips gently, "As you wish, my love."

Hours later, long after they were claimed by exhausted sleep, Harm relived what happened in Mexico. He saw himself drinking a tequila shot to unwind. He saw Annie approach him. He heard himself invite her to sit down at a table with him to share a plate of nachos and have a drink. They had talked about Josh, Annie's new husband, and of course Mac and his children. He had told her about Mac's illness and as he felt the liquor take effect he had told her what it had done to their intimate life, how he felt about that, how much he wanted things including his wife, to be normal again. He saw Annie comfort him, then lead him to the dance floor. He saw the at first innocent dancing get out of hand. He flashed on the passionate kiss they shared as they went out to his car. He relived the heat, the violence of the encounter fully only as he fell asleep only as he fell asleep with Annie's hair across his chest he saw his wife standing in the hotel doorway, pretty face red and soaked with tears, a mask of pure horror coming over her face as she sobbed and asked him over and over again, "How could you Harm? Don't you love me?"

"I'm sorry, Sarah," he cried sobbing himself. "I'm sorry."

**0847 ZULU**

"I'm sorry Sarah," Mac heard her husband cry out. "I'm sorry."

She woke and looked at him, soaked with perspiration and tears tossing his head against his sweat soaked pillow. A gentle touch to his forehead told her his sweat was cold. He was in the throes of a nightmare.

Mac gently shook his shoulders speaking softly, trying to coax him awake. "Harm. Honey, wake up. Come on, it's only a dream."

"I'm sorry Sarah," he moaned again. "I'm so sorry, Honey."

"Harm," she tried in a firmer tone. "It's a dream. Come out of it now. Come on," she urged leaning over him kissing his eyelids, the tip of his nose, his cheeks, until finally she was rewarded and he opened his eyes. He was disoriented at first, looking around uncertainly until he realized he was at home in bed with his wife who seemed very worried.

Harm sat up and pulled Mac to him, nearly crushing her with the strength of his embrace. "Oh, Sarah," he whispered. "Oh Sarah, I'm sorry."

"For what, Honey?" she asked gently rocking him in her arms. "There's no reason to be sorry."

"I hurt you," he said. "I hurt you and I didn't mean it Sarah. Honest I didn't."

"Harmon David Rabb," she scolded gently. "You are not making any sense." Her tone softened. "Whatever happened, it was a dream. It's not real, it can't really hurt us," she soothed as she held him tight. "Come on now. Go wash your face and try to get some more sleep. Our daughter will be up at 0600."

Harm did as she requested of him and when he joined Mac in bed to find her all ready dozing he gathered her close. She slipped an arm around him and whispered sleepily, "Dream can't hurt us, Baby. Just sleep."

He kissed her hair and said to himself, "If only it was just a dream. If only that's what it was."


	3. Chapter 3

**See Chapter One for Notes and Disclaimers**

**September 16, 2004**  
**Six Weeks Later  
2126 ZULU  
National Outlet Mall**

Harm held Lucy's hand while Mac pushed DJ's stroller through the large outlet mall in Washington D.C. The family had decided to spend this Saturday together, go to see a movie, have pizza, and buy Lucy a new book or two.

Lucy loved to read like both of her parents. That was a pastime that both Harm and Mac were glad she enjoyed. They looked like the perfect family to onlookers. He held the little girl's hand, pausing every once in a while to look at the beautiful woman next to him or to study their son who was sleeping in his carriage. He noticed Mac's face. She was pale to him, tired looking. He knew that look too well, he'd seen it too much in that last seven months.

"You okay, Ninja Girl," he asked gently putting his free arm around her shoulders. "You're looking pale."

"I'm okay," she replied. "I'm just tired."

"You sure that's all it is?" he asked concern evident in his voice.

"Yeah," she replied. "The Johnson court martial is getting to me that's all. I mean how could he? That's the most despicable thing you know?"

The Johnson court martial was an adultery and fornication case. The accused was a Master Chief who slept with a young enlisted because his wife had cancer and could no longer service his needs. It wasn't the same with Sarah, he knew that. She wasn't going to die from her affliction, he wasn't that despicable. Was he? Even so, it wasn't like he had deliberately sought Annie out in Mexico, he just messed up, royally.

"Yeah," he sighed. "Scum of the earth." That's how he felt about himself. He knew he had done something horrible and he knew he compounded that by lying to her or at least by not confessing his sin to her. He rationalized that she couldn't handle it, that since she became ill she was fragile in some way. It was not true of course, except for her bouts with pain and sickness during her cycles and sometimes, but not recently during intercourse. He knew that the surgery she'd had to correct the problem had failed. He knew because as each month passed she'd become sicker during her cycle, but at least they could still make love, at least he could still prove to her that she was his only one. In his heart that was true, even if his body and a few tequilas made a liar out of it. They continued to walk through the mall when out of the corner of his eye Harm saw Mac press a hand to her back. "Here we go again," Harm thought.

"How about a little lunch?" he asked. That would be a nice neutral way of getting Mac to sit down and get off her feet for awhile without her getting all marine on him.

"I'm not very hungry, Harm," she answered. "I'd just like to go home." He had not expect that.

"Okay, Baby," he replied, the endearment that was usually reserved for intimate husband and wife moments or in rare cases of emotional despair slipped easily from his lips. He hated when she didn't feel well, he wanted to heal the pain, emotional and physical. Only he couldn't.

"How about we go home, Lucy Bear?" he suggested to his daughter. "Mommy's tired."

"I'm hungry," she told her Dad.

"Compromise," he offered. "We go home so Mommy can lie down and Daddy will let you have Beltway Burgers for dinner."

"Me too?" Mac asked with a small smile.

"You twisted my arm, Ninja Girl," he replied and turned their steps towards the exit holding tightly to Lucy's hand while keeping the corner of his eye on Mac. He was so intent on his task, getting his family to the car and home that he didn't notice Annie and Joshua Pendry in their path until Annie spoke.

"Harm, what a lovely surprise," Annie smiled. "Josh, you remember Harm."

It had been over six years since Harm had seen Luke's boy. He looked so much like his friend it was uncanny.

"Yeah," Josh replied. "How have you been?" He asked.

"Pretty good. This is my wife, Sarah and my children. She's Lucy and he's David."

"Ma, can I go play some video games?" Josh asked obviously not interested in children. Annie handed him a five dollar bill and told him to meet her in twenty minutes.

"How are you, Mac?" Annie asked her voice dripping with sweetness. "Harm mentioned in Mexico you were unwell."

Mac's startled look was not lost on Annie. The honey sweet voice continued, "Oh, he didn't tell you we ran into each other when he was in Mexico last August?"

"No," Mac replied. "He didn't."

"Yeah, Annie and I had a dinner together the first night I was there," Harm said casually. "It was nice, catching up."

"Yeah, it was," Annie replied and smiled at him. "He told me all about you and the kids and of course what the doctors had said. That's such a terrible thing too. You two have made such lovely babies." She shook her head sadly.

"We have," Mac replied, her eyes fixed on Annie's face. "I'm thankful enough for what I have. What I don't have…well, I don't spend too much time dwelling on that. It's bad for the skin."

Her words were neutral enough but the tone held an enormous amount of meaning. Mac was angry. Angry that Annie had said those things and angry that Harm had not told her he'd seen her in Mexico. Harm knew that he had to get out of Dodge. A face off between Annie and Mac would not be a good idea. Slipping his arm around his wife Harm spoke evenly, "Well, I have to get the family home. Mac is not feeling well right now and I promised my girls burgers for dinner. Give my best to Josh and Peter." With that Harm led his family out of the mall with all possible haste.

Mac didn't say anything as they walked to the car and secured the children in their seats, but Harm could see that she was upset with him for not telling her he'd run into his old girlfriend. She hated that he treated her differently since she was diagnosed, that damn thing didn't do anything to her head.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked fixing him with a hard glare.

"It didn't matter," he replied.

"Well, it does to me," she insisted. "I don't like being blindsided. What did you two do in Mexico?"

"Nothing," he lied blatantly now. He could not tell her this. So he told the truth to a point, "I went to this cantina to have dinner and unwind. I was drinking a margherita and then she came over and asked me how everything was and what I've been up to."

"So why didn't you tell me you saw her?" Mac asked again. "I'm not the one that gets jealous, Flyboy."

Harm chuckled at that. "No, I'm guilty of that, but Mac, Webb and Brumby really did overstep with you."

"Well," she sighed and felt DJ kick the back of her chair. "Ouch!"

Harm turned around and fixed his son with a stern look, "DJ, don't kick Mommy's chair! It's not nice." To Mac, "You okay, Honey?"

She closed her eyes. "I'm fine. Let's just go home."

While he didn't like to see Sarah in pain, Harm was thankful for his son's antics. He didn't want to answer anymore questions about Mexico. The sooner he put it behind them and put some distance between him and the memories of Annie, the better off they would all be. That way, Sarah and his children would not know that pain.

The rest of the trip home was as quiet as could be with two kids in the car. Harm led them in songs like Old Mac Donald, Anchors Aweigh and the Marine Corp Hymn. When they finally got home, he disconnected the children from their seats while Mac wordlessly went straight into the house.

"I'm hungry, Daddy. You said you'd get me and Mommy burgers," Lucy reminded him.

"I know, Lucy Bear," Harm sighed. "Let me get DJ and Mommy squared away, and then we'll take a trip to the burger place."

It only took Harm a few minutes to get his cranky son to lie down and finish the nap they'd interrupted by putting him in his seat. Then he went to their room to see to Mac. It pulled at his heart strings seeing her on the bed, knees pulled up to her chest. He sat beside her and gently rubbed her back. Her back had always bothered her during her period, and when she was pregnant she had bad back labor. It wasn't a wonder that the effects of her endometriosis were felt in her back.

"You okay or you want a pill?" he asked her.

"Not until I eat," she told him. "I thought it was going to stop Harm."

He kissed her hair, "I know. But at least it's only now and not all the time like before. We can get through four days of this together. Then we have a twenty eight day break," he reminded her. Leaning over to kiss her hair he whispered, "I love you."

"I love you," she told him. "No one else would be as understanding or as good at taking care of me." It was nearly a whisper.

"Well, I had a lot of practice. A total of 70 hours in labor is very good training," he sighed. "Now you know this position doesn't help. Roll onto your back," he told her and she obeyed. He got a pillow from the closet and put it under her hips and a smaller on under her knees. "I'm taking Lucy to get burgers. DJ is sleeping and I'll only be twenty minutes. You lie still and rest."

"Don't worry," Mac sighed closing her eyes as she tried her best to relax.

Ten minutes later Harm and Lucy were in the car sitting in the drive thru line at the Manassas Junction division of Beltway Burgers. Lucy had a frown on her face since they left the mall and Harm decided that now, with just the two of them, would be a good time to ask her why.

"What's the matter, Button?" he asked her, one hand gently ruffling her soft dark hair.

"Mommy's sick," Lucy said and played with her fingers.

"Yeah, she is," he agreed. "But she's going to feel better really soon."

"Why does this happen to Mommy, Daddy?" she asked, her big Rabb eyes looking up at him. She didn't understand why her mother had to be tortured every month. Heck, he was more than 35 years older than Lucy was and he didn't understand why Mac had to go through this.

"Well, you see, Mommy, she has a booboo inside of her belly and sometimes it makes her belly and her back hurt her," he explained as best he could.

"In her tummy like where DJ was?" Lucy asked.

"Yes, almost like where he was," Harm agreed. "Only this booboo inside will be there for a really long time, not for only nine months like DJ. And it only bothers Mommy sometimes, but when it does we have to let her rest so that she gets better."

"Can't we kiss it and make it better?" Lucy asked.

"You can't kiss booboos on the inside, Lucy," he replied. "But you can make it better by being a good girl and helping Daddy and DJ so Mom can lie down. She doesn't hurt as much lying down."

"I'll help Daddy," Lucy assured him with a confidence only a five year old could muster.

"I know you will," he told her, leaving a kiss on her cheek before pulling up to the drive thru window.

Harm and Lucy got back to the house ten minutes later than he'd originally planned. He put Lucy's supper on a plate for her and poured her a glass of iced tea before going to check on DJ who was still sound asleep, and finally Mac who was lying in the same position he'd left her in only now she had Colleen for company.

The large dog had her head resting on Mac's belly; big eyes staring at the door, ears peaked listening for anyone who might intrude on her mistress' rest.

Harm reached out and pet the animal, "You're a good dog, Colleen," he told her. "Now get down off the bed."

She did as she was told and left to sit on the other side of the bed as close to Mac as she could get.

"How are you feeling, Honey?" Harm asked. "What can I get you? I bought you a double cheeseburger."

"I'm not very hungry. I'll eat it later," she told him. "Just leave me alone and take care of the children."

"You have to eat something Sarah," he said gently.

"I will," she told him. "I'll be up in a few minutes."

True to her word Mac did join Harm and Lucy for dinner and managed to eat almost all of her burger. Once they finished eating and DJ woke from his late nap and was fed, they settled on the sofa to watch television. Mac rested her head on Harm's shoulder holding DJ on her lap. The children sensed their mother was not herself and were quiet, orderly, and extremely clingy.

Harm took over bath time that night so that Mac could lie down again. After tucking the children in he joined her in bed. She was still wearing her sweats and his Annapolis Tee Shirt and was back in her curled position, knees to her chest. He came in from the master bathroom in his plain boxer shorts and lie down next to her.

He took his hand and slowly began to massage her back doing his best to relieve the pain. He kissed the back of her neck. "Remember the first time I did this?" he asked in a soft voice.

"Yeah," she sighed. "We had just gotten back from Russia and you and I had decided to get married. You were holding me and then you started to rub my back."

"Right," Harm acknowledged. "But that's not the time I was thinking about. I was thinking about the first time I did this therapeutically."

"Ah," she smiled. "That time."

_**September 30, 1999**_

_**1852 ZULU**_

_**Bethesda Naval Hospital**_

"_Harm," Mac cried. "I want Harm."_

"_I know you do, Ma'am," Bud Roberts who was attending Mac in her labor said gently. "And he's coming. He's on his way, just breathe easy."_

_It had been decided two weeks ago that if Mac went into labor before Harm returned from his investigation on board the USS Patrick Henry Bud would help assist her in the delivery room as he had not had the chance to use his Lamaze training with Harriet. It was a good plan except Mac didn't want Bud, she only wanted her husband._

"_I want him here, now," she cried. "It hurts."_

"_I know," Bud tried to sympathize. "But he's coming, Mac. He's coming."_

_True to Bud's word not more than ten minutes later, Harm's voice was heard down the hallway. He was stuttering and breathing hard. "Sarah Mac..Sarah Rabb, I mean… Where is she?"_

_Bud heard him and moved away from Mac's side and called, "We're down here, Sir."_

_Harm at a full sprint ran into Mac's room. "Did I miss it?" he asked._

"_Are you kidding/" Mac glared at him and stared at her still large belly. "This baby is taking it's time. It's all Rabb."_

_As she finished the sentence she let out a moan and grabbed her back. Bud seeing that his superior officer and friend was now with his wife as he should be moved to go to the waiting room and join Harriet._

_Harm sat on the bed next to Sarah, taking his large warm hands and gently massaging her back. He felt the muscles knot and contract as she gritted her teeth against the pain. "I can't take this much more, Harm," she panted. "I can't. I can't do it."_

"_Yes, you can," he encouraged. "You can do anything. You are so amazing, Sarah. I love you so much."_

_That began the final ten hours of Mac's long labor with Lucy, made easier by Harm's attentiveness and back massages. Something he'd taken to doing for her whenever she was in pain._

**0342 ZULU**

**Mackenzie Rabb Residence**

**ManassasVA**

Like now.

"That was one of the best days of my life," he told her. "Second only to the day I made you my wife. Tied with the day our boy was born."

She was quiet for a moment as he continued to rub her back and kiss her hair whispering nonsense. That peaceful silence was shattered by a harsh sob tearing from her throat.

Harm stopped his work on her back and cupped her shoulder. "Sarah?" he questioned gently. "What is it? Is it that bad?"

"It's not that," she sniffed.

"What is it?" He punctuated the query with a kiss.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed out trying to keep herself under control by placing a shaky hand over her mouth. "I'm so sorry."

At this shaky admission Harm rolled off the bed and moved to her side. Gently caressing her hair, he knelt beside her. "What for, Sarah? You don't have any reason to be sorry."

"Yes, I do," she sobbed burying her face in the pillow her head was resting on. "I'm sorry, Harm."

Harm was puzzled by his wife's distress. He didn't understand why she was apologizing. "Come on, it can't be that bad." _Certainly not as bad as what I did_. "What did you do? Did you bleach my uniform again? Or burn the bottom of the coffee pot. I hate that." He was trying to keep it light, to get her to stop crying and talk. She was never prone to tears, but lately since her health had begun to slip only a short time after her surgery she was more emotional, though usually it was anger, not tears. His attitude sparked anger in her and she rolled over to her other side. "If you can't be serious  
leave me alone."

"No, no, no," he scolded easily. "I'm not leaving you alone and you are not shutting me out. Tell me why you cry, Sarah."

"I want...you...I wanted us to have our four babies, Harm. I really, really wanted that," she told him after a deep breath. "It's my fault we can't. If I were a better woman, a better wife to you..." she sniffed, but he stayed silent, waiting for more. "You're right. I even screw up the laundry and the cooking. And now, I'm no use to you. None at all. I promised you I'd be the perfect wife and I'm..." She didn't finish, just kept crying.

Knowing what he did about Mac's past, these uncharacteristic bouts of self hatred and self pity were not unexpected, just highly inaccurate. "Mac, you listen to me. First, look at me," he tried to move her chin so their eyes met but she kept her face hidden. "Look at me, Sarah." He tried again and this time she complied.

"I promised you the day we got married that I would love you in good times and in bad times," Harm told  
her. "Remember?" She nodded so he continued. "And I always keep my promises. As for being perfect,  
well, no you're not. You do bleach my uniforms, you've burned three tea kettles, you always use my razor and don't tell me, and sometimes you can be really really moody," he said this with a smile. "But even with that, you are my wife, the mother of  
two of the most beautiful children in the world, and most of all you are Sarah Mackenzie Rabb, the one who kisses me every morning with that gentle little kiss that says so much. You may not be perfect, but you are close enough for me. So you, my love, don't have any reason to be sorry. If anything I do, I'm the one who broke my promise."

Mac knew or thought she knew to what he was referring. They hadn't been married six months when her ex-husband, an ex-husband that Harm knew nothing about showed up at JAG ops wanting her back in his life. He didn't want to hear she had another husband and that he was her past. He only wanted to hurt her and Harm. It did hurt Harm and it came at a time when his former JAG partner Lt. J.G. Meg Austin was in town. He had met her for a drink and the pain of Mac's betrayal...it  
led to him breaking his promise to his wife. It led to him being unfaithful to her for what he swore was the last time. She'd been hurt badly, but they had worked through it and were stronger because of it. He'd admitted it that time, and the pain in her eyes...he never wanted to see that pain again.

Mac sat up and opened her arms for him. He leaned his head against her chest and she stroked his hair. "You made a mistake. I made a mistake, but it's done. It was years ago. I've forgiven you, now you have to forgive yourself. I love you, Harmon Rabb. I know you'd never do that again. I promised I'd never keep anything from you again and you promised that you'd never...do that again. And you haven't. But I have."

Harm slipped his arms around her and buried his head in her breasts inhaling her scent. "What?" he asked, fearing her words.

"I want another baby, Harm. I want us to try," she told him, voice even now and confident.

"No," he said firmly. "Out of the question. It's not worth it."

"Harm, the doctor said that..." He cut her off. "The doctor said that if you got pregnant again your uterus...you could bleed to death and I'm not going to have that happen. It's not worth the risk, Sarah."

"But you wanted four children," she reminded him.

"I also want you for the next fifty years or so, alive and well. The answer is no, Sarah," his tone left no room for argument. "I can't do that to you, I won't."

Mac instead of getting angry at his harsh tone pulled his even tighter against her body, thankful for the wonderful man she had as a husband. They'd had their share of troubles, their share of gripes, and more than their share or argument, but this marriage was just as he had told her, close enough to perfect for both of them.


	4. Chapter 4

**See Chapter One for Notes and Disclaimers**

**30 September  
2315 ZULU  
Mackenzie Rabb Residence  
ManassasVA  
**  
"Happy Birthday dear Lucy! Happy Birthday to you!" the group of assembled visitors sang in honor of the fifth birthday of Lucielle Rabb.

"Make a wish, Lucy Bear," Mac encouraged as Harm, Bud, and the Admiral all stood poised with cameras to take a picture of the landmark event.

Lucy blew out her candles and smiled as Mac adjusted the pink party hat she was wearing on top of her curly brown head. Lucy was truly a beautiful child, with Mackenzie coloring and Rabb eyes; she would break hearts for sure.

"Okay," Mac smiled. "Let's cut this beautiful cake here. You did a good job on this Harm."

He grinned and blushed slightly. "I try."

Harm began to cut the cake he'd baked using a mold shaped like Minnie Mouse while Lucy asked, "Mommy, where was I born? Was I born in Uncle AJ's office like little AJ?"

Lucy never cared before about where she was born or who was there or anything like that, but earlier she overheard the Admiral joke about AJ's sudden appearance at JAG ops and that peaked her curiosity.

"No," Mac replied. "You were born at Bethesda Naval Hospital. It's the place where you came to see Mommy after DJ was born and after she had her belly surgery. It's also where you went to see Daddy last year after he fell down. Remember?"

"Yes," Lucy nodded. "Where you and Daddy were was scary. Was it scary when I was getting borned?"

"Yes," Bud answered.

"How do you know?" Lucy asked. "Were you with Mommy and Daddy?"

"I sure was," Bud replied. "I was there and so was Aunt Harriet and Uncle AJ and little AJ. In fact, I was the one who drove your Mommy to the hospital and I even stayed with her almost an entire day while Daddy was trying to get home."

"Where were you Daddy?" Lucy asked, taking a bite of her piece of cake.

"Well," Harm began his story.

_29 September 1999  
1413 ZULU  
USS PATRICK HENRY _

_"Petty Officer Tallon, I will ask you one more time," Harm said exasperated at how long this investigation was taking. "Did you ever actually see Chief Donohue drinking liquor from the Officers' Mess?" _

_Before the Petty Officer could answer it came over the speaker, "Shore to ship call for Commander Rabb. Urgent!" _

_Harm quickly rose from his chair and made way to the communications area to receive his call._

_"Commander Rabb," he said breathing hard. _

_"Hi, Honey," Mac sounded happy, she sounded all right. But the call said urgent. _

_"Babe, you can't call me and say it's urgent just because you want to say hi. I'll get back to you later," he sighed. Mac had been very clingy since she entered her third trimester. _

_"You won't reach me later, Honey. I was just calling to let you know that I'm leaving for the hospital now. You're son or daughter is about to be born."_

**Present**

"Well needless to say I was at the Skipper's feet like a shot, trying to get him to let me fly back to base on the morning COD. After begging and nearly losing every ounce of pride I had, he gave in. I didn't get there until about ten hours before you were born."

"Did it take me a long time like DJ?" Lucy asked looking at her baby brother who had cream frosting all over his face.

"Oh yeah," Mac laughed. "It took you even longer."

_**1 October 1999**_

_**0145 ZULU**_

_**Bethesda Naval Hospital**_

_**Maternity**_

_"Cleansing breath," Harm instructed and demonstrated. "Good girl."_

_Mac leaned back weakly against her husband, sweat dripping down her face, most of the color drained from her skin, except for the black marks beneath her eyes. _

_"I can't do this anymore, Harm. I can't," she told him her voice so soft he could barely hear it._

_He kissed her damp brow. "It'll be over soon," he comforted._

_"You've been saying that," she sighed. Then she groaned and grimaced, "Here we go again."_

_They did that for another half hour, and then Mac's doctor came in. Mac was lying in Harm's arms with barely enough strength to hold up her own head, never mind push a baby out. He was getting worried and he made those worried known._

_"Doctor, how much longer can she go through this? She's so tired," Harm fussed, stroking Mac's cheek._

_"Let me take a look and I'll give you some answers, Commander," the younger Marine Captain assured him. "If she hasn't progressed further we'll have to do a Cesarean."_

_"No," came Mac's feeble protest. "No, C-section."_

_Harm lifted her hand to his lips, "Honey, if it means your health or the baby's health, you have to have the C-section. Now listen to the doctor."_

_"She's almost there. Let's give her another fifteen minutes to see if she dilates the last centimeter. If not then we'll take the baby," the doctor told Harm. "Just hold onto her and let her rest. She'll need her strength soon either way."_

_"Did you hear that, Baby? You're almost there," he whispered to her. "Let's have some of that marine attitude."_

_Mac started to do her Lamaze breathing again. When the contraction passed she seemed to have renewed strength and vigor from some deep recess of her being. She pushed herself up and said, "You asked for it, Flyboy."_

_**0300 ZULU**_

_"That's it," Harm encouraged. "Good girl, good girl. I love you."_

_"Shut up!" Mac screeched as she bore down and concentrated on pushing the baby out. "This is the last time you'll ever touch me. I mean it. Come near me again and I'll bend you like a pretzel!"_

_"Push, Colonel," the doctor instructed ignoring Mac's tirade. "The head is almost here."_

_Mac pushed again as Harm counted to ten and kissed her damp hair._

_"Okay, stop," the doctor directed. "Just an easy push on the next one."_

_The contractions were right on top of each other so the next one was only 45 seconds behind. Mac gritted her teeth and gave a small push with the last of her energy and thankfully she felt the baby slip from her body into the doctor's waiting hand._

**Present**

"For as hard as it was to deliver you I could have sworn they were going to tell me that it was a boy, but sure enough," Mac leaned over and kissed her daughter's forehead. "It was my precious little girl."

"I'm not so little anymore," Lucy boasted. "I'm a whole hand old."

"You'll always be my little girl, Lucy Bear. Even when you're as old as Daddy," Mac teased and smiled at Harm.

"Hey, you're not that far away from forty there, Lady," he teased back.

The ringing of their doorbell broke up the trip down memory lane. Mac rose to answer the door, wondering who it could be as all of their friends were all ready here. When she opened the wooden door to admit their visitor she smiled. "Clay! What a happy surprise!" Mac opened her arms and gave Clayton Webb a long tight hug.

"How are you, Sarah?" he asked tenderly.

"I'm fine. We're celebrating Lucy's birthday. Come on in, every one's here."

Harm stood watching from where he was positioned helping DJ drink his milk. Clayton Webb had always rubbed him the wrong way; he was always too close to Mac. And after they took that assignment to Paraguay over a year ago when she pretended to be his pregnant wife, well, it had gotten harder for him to deal with Webb. Still he had to be polite.

"Webb," he greeted. "Good to see you. Lucy, say hi to Mr. Webb."

"She can call me Uncle Clay," Webb said.

"She'll call you Mr. Webb," Harm said. "I'm her father." With that he rose from the table and headed to the kitchen.

Mac sighed. There had always been tension between Harm and Clay, but now it was worse, since Paraguay it was much worse. "I'm sorry, Clay," Mac apologized. "Harm's feeling a bit territorial today."

"Its okay, Sarah," Clay replied. "If I had what he has, I'd be territorial too."

Clayton had been making comments like that since they returned, and Mac ignored them. They'd gotten very close in Paraguay both nearly dying for their case, so Mac let it go. She knew it goaded Harm, but a tiny part of her liked that. It made her feel like she was important to him, that she was worthy of his jealousy. Mac moved to join Harm in the kitchen with the excuse of getting Clayton a cup of coffee while he joined Harriet, Bud, and the children.

"What's wrong?" Mac asked him, laying her cheek against his tense back.

"I don't like how he looks at you Sarah. And I don't like him telling our children what to do, when did this start?" Harm griped.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say someone was jealous," she teased with a hint of seriousness.

"Oh, yeah," he chuckled a bit and turned around pulling her to his chest. "What gave you that idea, Colonel?"

"Your attitude, your chest pounding, but mostly it's this somewhat attractive shade of green you're turning, Commander."

He leaned over and kissed her on the mouth full force, a kiss not only conveying his love for her, but his desire. When he pulled back he placed a tiny kiss on her forehead. "Nobody loves you like I do," he told her.

"Nobody ever will," she replied and leaned up to kiss him again. They were interrupted by yet another visitor.

"Who could that be?" Harm asked.

"I don't know, I thought the whole world was here," Mac replied and followed him to the door.

Harm opened the door and would not have been more surprised to see Admiral Nimitz himself standing there. "Annie? What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to visit, and to celebrate your daughter's birthday Harm," Annie told him.

"How do you know when our daughter's birthday is?" he asked putting a protective arm around Mac.

"You told me in Mexico, Harmon. Don't you remember?" she asked with a smile that said a lot more to him than it did to Mac.

"Well, welcome, Annie," Mac managed. "Come on in and have a seat. You remember everyone don't you?"

"Yes, hello," Annie greeted the rest of the party goers. She looked at Lucy who was busy showing the Admiral and Clay one of her new toys. "She's a doll, Harm. All Rabb."

"Not quite," Harm smiled at his daughter. "That beautiful complexion is all her mother. And her smile, she has Sarah's smile."

DJ was busy studying the stranger who had invaded his home. He wasn't sure if he liked her so he just watched her quietly with big eyes. When the woman turned to him though and smiled at him, he only wanted his Mommy, but she was not nearby, she was talking to Uncle Bud. The lady reached for him and picked him up, "He's precious as well, Harm. I can see why you are proud of him."

DJ did not like being held by strangers and he especially did not like this one. So when Annie lifted him, the little boy let his displeasure be known and loudly.

Mac heard her son begin to cry and spun around to see the cause of her baby's distress. When she saw her child in Annie Pendry's arms red faced and crying, something inside of her snapped. She flew over to them and grabbed for the boy pulling at him, but Annie was not releasing him fast enough. "Give him to me. Give me my son!" Mac demanded.

Harm was startled by Mac's reaction. True she didn't like Annie, but Annie wouldn't hurt DJ. So he intervened by taking his son into his own arms.

"It's okay," he whispered to DJ. "Daddy has you. It's all right."

Clayton saw Mac's eyes shining, her form shaking, and he put his arm around her shoulders. "He's all right, Sarah. He's all right, he was just scared."

Annie did feel sorry the little boy was scared and she did apologize. "I'm sorry Mac. Josh was skittish with new people too. I didn't mean to upset him so much."

DJ calmed in Harm's arms and babbled, "Ma Ma," reaching for Mac. She took the boy and held him. "I'm sorry I overreacted," Mac explained then turned the boy to face Annie. "DJ this is Annie, Daddy's friend. Can you say hi?"

DJ looked at the woman who made him cry. Safe in his Mommy's arms he gave a small wave.

The tension soon lifted and the celebrating resumed as Lucy opened her gifts, mostly clothes dolls, except for a bicycle from her Uncle AJ and a learners computer from Grandma and Grandpa Burnett. Harm kept watch over the festivities from a distance, never letting on how nervous he was. Finally he was able to corner Annie in the kitchen.

"What are you doing, Annie?" he demanded.

"Celebrating your daughter's birthday," she replied. "Why?"

"Annie, is this some…is this about Mexico? Are you trying to intimidate me or play some kind of game because I'm warning you, I'm not playing," Harm whispered fiercely.

"I only want to be part of your life, Harm. We can have our cake and eat it too," Annie purred trying to lean into him. He skillfully backed away.

"Annie, no. Not again, never again," he said firmly. "It was a mistake I don't care to repeat. I've all ready hurt Sarah enough."

"Did you tell her?" Annie asked.

Harm's silence was her answer. "You didn't tell her, so how did you hurt her?" Annie asked.

"I lied Annie I broke our vows, a promise. Once is bad enough, but twice…" he trailed off. "Mexico was wrong Annie, adulterous for us both. I love Sarah and you said you love Peter. Let it go, let's do as we said and leave what happened in Mexico."

Sadly, Annie nodded before leaning up to kiss his cheek. "I hope she realized how lucky she is," she said sadly before turning to go. Harm watched her go then with a sigh returned to the pity.

Neither one had seen Bud Roberts near the bathroom door. He had heard the whole thing.


	5. Chapter 5

**See Chapter One for Notes and Disclaimers**

**One week later**

**0146 ZULU**

**McMurphy's Tavern**

"This was a good idea, Bud," Harm complemented.

"Yeah, well, Sir, I've had something on my mind the past week," Bud began.

Harm interjected, "Bud, we're out of uniform."

"Sorry, Harm," Bud sighed. "And in that sense I was hoping I could ask you a personal question."

"Yeah, sure," Harm replied. "Everything okay with you and Harriet?"

"Oh we're fine," Bud answered. "No, I wanted to ask you about you and Mac. How are you two doing with her illness and all?"

Harm took a sip of his beer. "As well as we can I expect. The surgery failed I can tell you that, and she's getting worse. It's still not as bad as when it first started but it does keep her from functioning four or five days a month."

"How are you handling that?" Bud pressed. He wanted Harm to admit to what he overheard at Lucy's party. He didn't want to be forced to confront him with it.

"It hurts, Bud," he admitted. "This last time when it started she just went to bed and curled up tight. She barely even tried to fight it. And now, she says she wants us to have another child which our doctor said is dangerous if not impossible." Harm declared.

"What did you say?" Bud asked.

"I said no," Harm replied. "I mean we've barely been able to resume our…um, marital intimacies…six months without is a long time for us, and I know…"

"Is that why you did it, Harm?" Bud asked.

"Why I did what?" Harm asked not realizing what his friend was referring to.

"I heard you the other night," Bud told him. "I heard what you were saying to Mrs. Pendry the night of Lucy's party."

At first Harm didn't know how to react so he went on impulse, anger. "You were eavesdropping on me in my own house?"

"I was going to the bathroom," Bud defended. "I never should have listened but it was hard not to."

"I'm sorry, Bud," Harm apologized. "I shouldn't have jumped."

"I shouldn't have said anything," Bud sighed. "It's just…The Colonel's been through so much, Sir," Bud retreated to formal titles as he felt he overstepped.

"You think I don't know that!" Harm snapped. "Do you…" He paused for breath. "Okay, Bud. You already know what happened, but I have to ask you to keep that and what I'm about to say to yourself. Please?"

Bud sighed. He didn't want to do anything to hurt the Commander or the Colonel. Telling anyone would do that. God forbid though that Mac ever found out and it was somehow revealed he had known, Harriet would kill him. Still the pleading look in his friend's eyes obliged him to comply, "All right."

"Back in August you remember I was sent to Mexico?"

Bud nodded.

"The first night I was there I went to a cantina at the hotel near the quarters and had a few drinks, margheritas. Soon, Annie came over and we caught up. I told her about Russia and my father, about what brought me to Sarah, and our marriage. I told her about Lucy and DJ, where we lived, everything. She told me about remarrying, how Josh was doing, we basically caught each other up on life since we parted ways over margheritas and nachos," Harm described. "Way too many margheritas."

"And what happened next?" Bud prompted as if deposing a witness.

_**August 12, 2004**_

_**0246 ZULU**_

_**2046 CST**_

_**HOTEL CABO WABO CANTINA**_

_"It sounds like you and Mac got really lucky," Annie replied._

_"Yeah we did. She's a terrific mother and our kids are wonderful," Harm smiled._

_"And Mac's a marine so you don't have to worry about her when you're out of town like this," Annie provided._

_"I worry about Sarah all the time," Harm confessed words spilling easily from his uninhibited mouth. "Especially now."_

_"Oh, is she pregnant again?" Annie asked._

_Harm gave a short laugh, "Only if it can happen by immaculate conception."_

_"She closed up shop on you?" Annie asked._

_"No, nothing like that," Harm replied. "Mac's sick. She's was diagnosed about three and a half months ago with severe endometriosis. That makes pregnancy dangerous if not impossible and it creates problems with intimacy for us. It's very painful for her and of course," he sipped his drink. _

_"It's hard on you," Annie finished with sympathy._

_"It's hard on us both," Harm answered. "Sex for us is more than what it is, its more than that and its become something very ugly. The knowledge that I can never touch Sarah again without hurting her is frustrating and I find abstinence just as frustrating. I feel like crap for... I feel like I should resent her for it," he shrugged. "I'm thinking maybe sometimes I do. Only it's not her fault," Harm's voice got husky with emotion making that confession, but this was Annie Pendry, his late best friend's wife. If he couldn't tell her, who could he tell?_

_"It's not her fault she's ill, Harm," Annie told him. "But it is a bit selfish of her to put her interests about all. You are a man, you have needs too and she has to realize that."_

**Present**

"After that, she brought me another drink and asked me if I wanted to dance. I did and then I guess the alcohol took effect and biology took effect, and the next morning I woke up with Annie in my bed and this pain in my gut…"

All the while Bud listened trying not to be judgmental about the story his friend was telling him. He could see the pain in his eyes, the unshed tears, and felt for him as a man who loved his wife and had, out of pride hurt her.

"And now I don't know what to do," Harm confessed. "I'm trying to put it behind me, move on and tell her I love her, show her the disease means nothing to me, that she's till the same woman…"

"I don't know what to say about it, except if you tell her now after nine weeks, if you tell her at all it may not be worth the pain. However, you better hope she never finds out," Bud said.

"I think though I mean I'm guilty over what I've done and maybe…its becoming an obstacle soon she's going to realize it," Harm countered. "Maybe I should tell her. We could work it out."

"It's you decision," Bud sighed. "But ask yourself this. Is assuaging you guilt worth Mac's pain? Haven't you hurt her enough?"

**0401 ZULU**

**Mackenzie Rabb Residence**

Harm considered Bud's question as they ate until he got home. He decided Bud was right, it was better he suffer with his guilt than Sarah suffer with the truth.

The house was dark except the overhead night light in the kitchen. Sarah must have gone to sleep early. He was quiet when he came in as not to disturb her or the children, but was surprised to see his wife, children, and dog gathered in the living room, the TV showing snow from a movie long over.

"If there ever was a Kodak moment," Harm thought as he observed Mac under a blanket in his Navy PT sweatshirt, head resting against the couch cushion. DJ was wrapped in another blanket his head on Mac's lap. Lucy was clutching her battered Pooh bear wrapped in yet another blanket in his large recliner.

Harm got Lucy first careful not to disturb her as he removed the blanket and carried her and Pooh to her bed. She stirred slightly but did not wake up. Placing her in her bed and covering her up with her quilt he kissed her forehead, "Good night, Lucy Bear."

Harm went back for DJ effortlessly lifting his son blanket and all without waking him. He did however wake Mac by removing her son from her protective grasp. She stirred and murmured, "DJ?"

"Its me, Honey," Harm comforted. "Stay there, I'll be back for you," he told her taking their little boy to his bed and tucking him in.

Mac was still dozing when he as promised returned for her. He stood at the junction between DJ's bedroom and the living room watching her. She looked so beautiful, so at peace relaxing there. She also looked innocent and vulnerable with the limited light filtering across her face. She was precious, so beautiful and seemingly fragile, but he knew better.

His Marine and his Sarah, were two people in the same body. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie-Rabb was hard nosed, stubborn and unyielding. She did everything by the book and would not bend the rules. Mrs. Sarah Rabb was soft and gentle, an emotional woman who took much and gave much to her husband, her children, and her friends. Harm knew though that both of those images made Mac his one perfect match.

He moved forward and sat beside his wife reaching out and caressing her cheek. She made a soft noise and moved her hand up to cover his, "Did you have a nice talk with Bud?" she asked.

"Yeah," Harm replied. "And he only called me Sir five times or so tonight. Nine years and we're finally making progress. What about you? What's got you so worn out?"

"We watched both Lion Kings, ate pizza, and I guess I just got comfortable," she replied. "I'm not really tired."

Harm smiled at her and moved his fingers over her cheek. "You are so beautiful," he said huskily. "So beautiful."

On a breath he closed the gap between them taking her lips in a soft kiss. "Even after all these years, Sarah," Harm told her when they broke the kiss. "You are still the only woman for me. The only one who makes me feel like this."

Mac didn't fully understand the motivation behind his statement. In fact, she thought he was saying this because he was still feeling insecure about Clayton. Harm had been more attentive this past week than he'd ever been. Yes, he'd always had been good at the little things, but this week, he'd gone above and beyond.

"You're my one in six billion Harmon Rabb. You needn't be jealous of Clayton," Mac comforted him under that assumption.

"Yeah, I need to be," Harm countered. "Especially when you bring him up right before we make love. You are mine, Marine," he told her.

Mac smiled and turned her chin up to claim another kiss, "Yes I am, Sailor."

"Let's go to bed, Sarah," Harm whispered rising before he reached down for her lifting her into his arms.

They kissed the whole way to the bedroom where Harm gently set her on her feet. They hadn't made love in over three weeks, before her last cycle, but when they had done it it had been wonderful, no pain, no doubts, just peace.

Harm slid his hands down Mac's arms and instinctively she raised them about her head so he could take off her sweatshirt exposing her upper body. She hadn't planned this, but after she had gotten the kids home and changed she'd left her bra off, which proved to be a pleasant surprise for her husband since he was feeling amorous.

"This is a nice present, Sarah," he laughed and turned his attention to her breasts using his tongue, lips and teeth to bring her pleasure. They'd been lovers so many times in their marriage that they knew perfectly each little recess of the others body. He knew that while she loved to make slow love, that sometimes she liked it harder and faster. She knew that while their joining meant everything to him, that it was the more one-sided pleasures that he really enjoyed. Tonight though, the entire mood was set for slow love making, a giving and taking that was sacred to couples like them, couples with deep abiding love.

Slowly for the next half hour they pleasured each other with little touches, tiny kisses, until Mac's body had gone weak and Harm had swept her up and brought her to their bed and laid her down underneath him. They had both long ago shed their clothing and now they lay skin to skin on the sheets of the bed that had known love, anger, joy, and pain.

Harm slipped his hand between Mac's thighs checking to make sure she was ready for him. "I love you so much," he said near her ear, placing a kiss on the lobe. "You are so beautiful."

Mac rose her hips to indicate she was ready for him. In fact she was aching for him so much she hurt inside. "Please...Harm," she whimpered. "Please now, I can't…take it."

Harm was more than happy to oblige her and as he took her mouth he also took her body. Even after two children and countless encounters she still fit him like a glove, his perfect opposite. No one fit him like that; their bodies had been made for each other.

Mac felt Harm enter her body but instead of feeling the exhilaration, the heat, the passion, she usually felt, she felt an incredible pain, a pain like she'd never felt, not in labor not even the first time their love was interrupted by this curse God brought upon her body.

Biting her lip so hard it bled Mac tried with all her strength not to cry out. "This hurts so bad," she thought to herself trying to decide if she should tell Harm to stop. "But it's been so long...three almost four weeks since...and he's been so wonderful he deserves this. I can do this, I have to do this," she decided and called upon the Marine in her to withstand the agony.

She let out a tiny whimper, "Harm..." Followed by a weak moan.

"I know, Baby," he whispered. "Don't worry I'll take care of you," he whispered and began to move with in her.

With each motion of his hips, she tensed and bit down harder on her lip. "Relax Baby," he told her as he felt her tense. "Let go for me."

Harm pushed a bit further in, knowing her intimately, knowing what she liked, and how she liked it. She wasn't responding like he thought she would, but since she was tired when they started he decided that was the reason for her stillness.

"This is agony," Mac thought as she felt him advance. But this is how she liked it. Their sex life was very active before her illness and they did try varying methods of lovemaking. They used it to convey their love that was slow and steady. They used it to comfort, that was slow and drawn out, but could vary in speed. They even used it to squelch their anger or frustration at each other when they could no longer meet in the middle, which was when it could get intense, hard, like now. Sometimes though they would increase the pressure and the intensity just to shake things up a bit. That's what he was doing now; he sensed her reluctance and thought it was something he was not doing. If only he knew.

When Harm moved his hips harder, trying to give her pleasure like he'd always done, Mac could take it no longer. She had to stop him, she had to get him out of her, now. Only she had to do it gently, Harm was too fragile when it came to her illness, she'd have to try and ease him off. She let out a tiny whimper, "Harm..." A weak moan came of its own volition.

"I know, Baby," he whispered to her. "Don't worry, I'm going to take care of you," he told her as he began to establish a rhythm. This time he felt her body tense, but not as it usually did for climax. So he tried to soothe her, "Relax, Baby," he told her. "It's all right to let go."

He moved at the rhythm he'd established, pushing harder, trying to force her to release biologically. He'd have to address why she couldn't mentally, but at the moment he had more urgent business. The more he moved, the harder he pushed to drive her to orgasm, the more pain she felt. Finally, no amount of training, love or self respect could prevent her body from doing what it wanted to do. Letting instinct take over, she tensed her thighs and gasped through the cloud of pain that was robbing her of her ability to breathe, "Harm, no!"

"It's all right, Sarah," he told her in his husky, sexy voice, the one he used in these moments. "I like doing for you." He had not understood her meaning. Mac was lying beneath him, writhing, crying out, and shaking. He was so intent on giving her pleasure that her "No" did not immediately penetrate his brain.

Mac tried again, this time she'd have to make sure he understood, "Harm stop!" she said as loudly as she could without waking the kids. "Please stop!" The final word came out as a sob.

This time, as she expected, her protests made it through his hazy mind. When Harm heard her say "Stop" he immediately reacted. Using his elbows for balance he stilled his motion and lifted his lips from where they had been working on her breasts. "Sarah? Sarah, baby, what is it? Did I hurt you? Talk to me." His questions came out fast, desperate and breathless, he had to know. He had to know what was causing this reaction, only he was afraid he already did.

Mac didn't answer him, not because she didn't want to, but because she couldn't. The pain she felt was like a knife, heated in a fire searing through her from the inside out. Add to that the pain of having to once again fail her husband, the man she loved, having to see through hot tears the anguish on his face...it suffocated her. She couldn't get her breath enough to answer him...she couldn't do anything but lie there as she felt her consciousness drain away from agony and lack of oxygen.

"I did, didn't I?" Harm answered himself, when he realized Mac was in no position to do it. "I'm sorry. I..." he took a breath. "Tell me what you need," he said trying to remain calm. "Tell me what you want me to do. Should I stay still...talk to me. Take a breath and try to tell what to do so I don't hurt you anymore."

Mac still didn't answer. He asked her one more time to tell him what to do, to advise him, but all she was capable of doing at this point it seemed was breathing and that was becoming a struggle. Harm thought about it...if he moved out it would hurt her, but at least he could get up to her, hold her, and if necessary deal with whatever needed doing. If he stayed still...the choice was obvious.

He told her gently what he planned. "Sarah, I'm going to try and move out quickly so I don't hurt you too badly. On the count of three...One, two..." He moved before he even said three. When he moved she didn't move, she didn't scream...she had no reaction at all.

As quickly as he physically could Harm moved up to Mac's side. He looked down at her and saw that her eyes were opened, leaking tears. Her chest was heaving up and down, up and down...way to fast for normal breathing. Harm slipped his right arm underneath her trembling form and sat her up, his left hand rubbing her back. "Slow down your breathing," he advised. "Try and breathe slowly, deep and slow," he coached. As she focused and complied, he praised "That's it. That's it."

When he finally after what seemed like hours felt Mac's breathing even out, he pulled her to his chest and started to rock her back and forth slowly. "I'm so sorry, Sarah. I never should have tried...but it worked out the last few times. I'm so sorry."

Finally finding her voice again, Mac absolved him. "It's not your fault, Sweetheart. I wanted this too. But...Harm, it really hurts." She started to shake again and tried to curl into her protective position.

"No, no," he chided her. "We have to get you lying down. Lie down on your back," he instructed. "I'm going to be right back; I'm going to get your leg pillow. Try and stay as still as you can."

Before Harm could even ease her down, Mac's hands tightened on his forearms, "No," she said. "Don't let me go yet! Just please," another set of sobs began, "Please, hold me for awhile."

He pulled as close as physics would allow and with one hand he began to massage the top of her head, "Okay, Baby. Okay, I'm not going anywhere. I love you," he told her. "I've got you; it's going to be okay."

"No, it's not," she cried. "I can't make love, I can't have babies, and this pain...I want it to stop, Harm," she cried into his strong chest. "Make it stop," a desperate whisper.

"I wish I could take this from you, Sarah," he told her. "I wish I could feel it myself just so you didn't have to but I can't. I'm sorry."

That was so like him, the rational part of her mind realized. He would bear this for her if he was not precluded to doing it by biology, and yet he was still sorry that he could not defy the laws of science. It was then that Mac felt his tears, hot and damp at the same time dropping onto her hair.

Mac pulled back from his chest and looked at him. His tears pulled at her heart strings. What did she do to deserve a man like this? She lifted a shaky hand to touch his face, "Don't cry, Sailor. Please don't."

Harm wanted to chastise her for that, how could he not cry when she was in such agony and because of him. Before he got a chance to respond though, another cry was heard, this time from Lucy's room. "Mommy! Daddy!"

When Harm heard his daughter's voice he froze and groaned, "She has the worst timing," he said to Mac as the call came again. "Mommy!" This time she was starting to cry.

Mac took a deep breath and moved to rise from the bed. "I'm coming Baby," Mac called, but her voice had no strength and neither did her body as she tried to rise from the bed. Moving made the pain worse and caused her world to shift rapidly. She collapsed weakly against the pillow. Taking a deep breath she tried again.

Harm saw her struggles and leaned over to kiss her cheek, "I'll go to her, Honey. She probably needs her Daddy to scare away whatever monster has invaded her dreams."

That as the cry came again, "Mommy, please! Mommy! Daddy!"

This time Harm answered Lucy's cry, "I'm coming, Lucy Bear. Daddy's coming."

Mac, her stubborn Marine attitude taking hold, tried to push herself up, "Harm, she wants me. I have to go to my daughter. I..." She stopped again as her head swam with fatigue.

Harm gently placed both hands on her arm, "Mac, you are going to lie back. I'm going to go check on Lucy and I'll be back. Just lie back and put your legs up. You know how." With those instructions, he grabbed his robe and was gone tying it as he went to their daughter's room.

Mac wanted to fight him, to protest and follow him, but in between the pain and the exhaustion she didn't have the strength. Harm was right anyway, Lucy probably would want her Daddy, and Lord knows she did.

Harm hurried to Lucy's room. The closer he got to the door, the louder his daughter's sobs seemed through the door. He opened her bedroom door and turned on the flashlight she kept by her bed. "What's the matter, Button?" he asked stroking her small head with his huge hand.

"I had a bad dream," the little girl sniffled.

Harm moved the little girl from her bed into his lap and hugged her close to him, rocking her. "Want to tell me about it?"

"Yes," she sniffled. "I dreamed Mommy was crying and she had to go to the horshpittle and you were really mad and yelling."

"At who?" Harm asked. "At Mommy?"

"I don't know, but I wanted Mommy and she didn't come and I want Mommy now, Daddy," Lucy told him lifting her watery eyes to his.

Harm took a deep breath. There was no way that he could allow Lucy to see Mac in her present state. He didn't want to validate Lucy's fears by telling her Mac was not feeling well. He didn't know what to do. This was only the second time in five years as a father he felt this helpless.

Harm's mind drifted back to the first time he'd had that feeling. He never wanted to feel like that again, but now it was upon him.

_It was when Lucy was only about six months old. Mac had gone back to work and the Admiral assigned her a case at Parris Island that required her to be gone overnight. He'd assured her everything would be fine, that he could take care of Lucy no problem and it wasn't until Lucy woke up screaming at three in the morning and nothing he could do would stop her from crying that he had any doubts._

_"Lucy, give Daddy a break," he pleaded. "I fed you, I changed you...what else is there in life?"_

_Still the baby continued to cry and toss her head._

_Harm tucked the baby's forehead into his neck. She was warm but not hot. He thought he'd take her temperature anyway, to be safe. _

_Using the new fangled techno thermometer Mac had bought the minute they found out she was pregnant he realized the reason for his baby girls tears. A 101 degree fever._

_"So that's it," he cooed to her. "And it's three in the morning," he said. "We can't call Mommy, cause she'll worry and we can't call the doctor, cause he'll tell 101 isn't high enough...What to do, Lucy Bear? What to do?"_

_Harm racked his brain for a moment, and then remembers his always prepared Marine had baby Tylenol (R) in the medicine cabinet. Still carrying the baby he went and retrieved it, measured it out, and administered it. Lucy didn't like him for it, but he knew it would help. Still, once he gave her the foul tasting liquid she squalled louder._

_"It's all right," he comforted, cuddling her closer. "Daddy's here." He sat in the rocking chair and started to sing softly, a song he'd sang to Mac when she was pregnant and couldn't sleep. It stopped the child's kicking then, maybe it would work now._

"Well, Luce," Harm sighed. "Mommy was really tired tonight. You guys really wore her out. So let's let her sleep and Daddy will sing you a song he used to sing to Mommy and you when you were in Mommy's tummy. How's that?"

She nodded sleepily, all ready calming down in her father's embrace. Harm laid Lucy down on the bed and stretched out next to her, singing softly an old Hall & Oates song, _Sara Smile_, a song that a very special meaning to him and to Mac.

By the time Harm finished one full round of the song, Lucy was sleeping. He kissed her forehead and walked back to the master bedroom.

While Harm was attending to Lucy, Mac felt her breathing return to normal, but the pain in her back and stomach failed to subside. She was aching and soaking wet and once Harm came back he'd want to talk. She wanted to be at least marginally comfortable for that talk, so she rose slowly and carefully from the bed in order to get her pills and maybe take a shower pausing to put on her robe as she went if for nothing other than a barrier between her skin and the cool air.

That was when she noticed it. There was blood on the sheets underneath her, and slowly running down her legs. "Oh God," she gasped and with all her strength suppressed the urge to cry out for Harm.

She made her way into the bathroom, her legs feeling like rubber as she negotiated the ten feet or so from the bed to the master bath. Once inside she filled the basin with water and used a cold cloth to dab at her forehead. She could hear Harm through the wall singing to their daughter, calming her fears. She only wished that she had the ability to calm his fears.

The singing stopped and the creaking floorboards announced Harm's return to the bedroom. Silently Mac prayed he wouldn't see the blood. That quickly turned into a prayer that she be able to remain upright as another pain shot through he back and the blood flow increased.

Harm walked into their darkened bedroom and saw the bed empty. "Mac?" he called out. "Mac?"

"I'm in here, Harm," Mac answered in a voice that to Harm's ears sounded very small. He started towards the door of the bathroom, intent on getting to Mac when his bare foot came in contact with something wet on the hard wood floor. He turned around quickly and hit the switch on Mac's vanity mirror for some extra light. He looked down and saw something that he'd dreamt about, had countless nightmares about, but prayed would never become a reality. Seeing the blood was leading back to the bed, he turned his line of sight to the place where they had laid making love only a short thirty minutes ago. What he saw there made his stomach lurch and his mouth water. He felt his hand start to shake and the room start to spin. "No," he chastised himself. "No, you have to pull it together. Mac needs you now. You can't lose control now."

Disregarding the unsightly mess for the time being, Harm rushed to the bathroom door and turned the knob. "Mac, open the door," he ordered when he found it locked from the inside. He heard the latch disconnect and he tried the knob again. When Harm opened the door, nothing in his Navy training or even Lamaze could prepare him for what he saw. Mac, his strong independent Mac was leaning over the sink, practically doubled over in pain. Her face had almost no color, her brow was sweaty and her brown eyes were opened wide with terror. She looked at him, tears streaming down her face, "Harm...I..."

Harm rushed to her side putting his strong arms around her to support her and lie her down. "Sarah, you're bleeding, Honey. I'm going to help you lie down right here, okay? Come on; let me do the work, just trust me."

She looked up at him, chocolate eyes shining, "Always," she replied in a whisper.

Her words twisted the knife that had been in his gut since Mexico, but he couldn't worry about himself now, Mac needed him to be in control and to take care of her. With infinite tenderness her eased her down onto the bathroom carpet, then quickly got two clean towels from the linen closet, her pillows from the bed and an old blanket.

"I'm so cold," she whispered to him, shaking as he lifted her legs to prop them on the pillow.

"I know, but this blanket will help, Mac," he told her.

Once Harm had gotten Mac to lay still, her hips and knees propped up on pillows, the towels between her thighs to clot the blood and the blanket wrapped around her for warmth her kissed her pale lips and told her, "You lie still. I'm going to call an ambulance. You need to go to the hospital, Honey."

"No," she protested. "I'll be fine, I just need to rest and feel your arms around me. Please, Harm. The ambulance will scare the kids and I don't want them to see this, please, just wait a little while."

"Mac, no," Harm said firmly. "You need help, I am not going to sit here and wait for you to bleed to death in my arms. The hospital is an order not an option."

"But what about the kids?" she asked, acquiescing. She owed him this after what she was putting him through. She owed him at least that peace of mind.

"I'll ask the EMTs not to use sirens and I'll leave the door opened. I'll call AJ to stay with the kids. All you have to do is lie back and try and keep talking.

Harm left her lying down and resting. First he called AJ to make sure he was at home and would be able to watch DJ and Lucy.

The Admiral answered his phone on the second ring, "Hello, Chegwidden."

"AJ, its Harm," Harm's panic was beginning to show in his voice. "I need a favor."

"Rabb, it's the middle of the night," AJ groaned.

"I know, but I have an emergency here. I need you to come over and stay with the kids. I need to take Mac to the emergency room," Harm told him in a rush.

"I'm on my way," AJ said in a rush without further question. "Sit tight."

"Thank you," Harm said, but only to the dial tone. AJ had already hung up.

Harm called the paramedics and explained the situation to them, and the dispatcher agreed to tell the driver not to use sirens. That accomplished he returned to Mac's side. Her eyes were closed, and she was still shivering. He knelt beside her and caressed her damp forehead, "How are you doing Marine?"

"Hurts," she managed and licked her lips. "Still cold."

Harm moved and lifted her up a bit so she could lean against him, his arms coming around her. "I'm so sorry, Baby. I didn't mean to do this. But I promise you, you are going to be all right." He kissed her temple. "You are going to be just fine. I'm here and I'm holding you. The Admiral is coming, the ambulance is coming...it'll be fine."

Harm wasn't sure how long he sat there on the bathroom floor holding his wife, rocking her, and even singing a few choruses of Sara Smile. Finally they heard footsteps. "That's the medics, Honey. I'm going to meet them."

Harm returned about two minutes later, with two paramedics and the Admiral. When AJ saw the scene he looked at Harm, "Tell me there is some reason for all of this blood that would not involve me killing or murdering you or someone else."

"Well, maybe, Sir," Harm sighed. "But this is my fault. It was just an accident."

"No one has this happen by accident," AJ grated out. "Start talking, Son."

Before Harm had a chance to explain though, he heard Mac cry out weakly, "Don't touch me! Harm!"

Harm left the Admiral and went to his wife. He saw the young male medic had removed the blanket and was attempting to remove the towels he'd placed between her legs. "Don't touch her," Harm said to the boy more harshly than he intended. "Tell me what you need to do to and I'll do it."

"We need to make sure she wasn't…well…we need to see if she has any tearing," the young man explained.

"Can't they see that at hospital?" Harm asked. "She's been bleeding like this nearly an hour now. We don't have the luxury of letting you practice on her."

His partner, an older seasoned medic, smiled at the worried husband. He had a wife himself at home. "We need to determine at the scene if we suspect sexual assault, Sir."

"You think that..." Harm sputtered and lunged for the medic. "You son of a b..."

"Commander Rabb, stand down," the Admiral said in his most authorative tone as he pulled back on Harm's arms. "It's their job, Son," he comforted. Then to the medics, "Do you suspect assault?"

"No, Sir," the older medic replied. "Not by him anyway. But in at a scene like this well, we have to check before we transport incase we need the police. If he'd call 911 the cops would dispatch, but he dialed direct so he could tell us no sirens."

Harm calmed down in the Admiral's grip and shrugged him off. He knelt down beside Mac and took her cold hand, "Sarah, they have to check you. I'm going to move the toweling aside myself and stay right here okay. Then we'll get you to the hospital."

Weakly she nodded and allowed Harm and the medics to remove the towels and begin to examine her. "No assault, Sir. She's not torn, but she is bruised and looks like a spontaneous abortion."

"Let's transport her," the younger medic said. "Sir, I assume you're coming with us."

"You're damned straight," Harm replied as he hastily dressed in a faded pair of sweats and an old Orioles tee shirt. He moved out of the way so that they could load her onto the stretcher.

"Keep..." Harm began, but AJ cut him off. "I'll take care of them. I'll think of something to tell them," AJ reassured. "Go be with your wife."

Harm followed the stretcher out to the ambulance and climbed in as soon as Mac was safely loaded inside. He took a position next to her and held her hand in his, massaging the back of it with his thumb. "It's going to be okay, Baby."

Mac didn't answer him, only opened her mouth. No sound came though.

"Sir, we need to know how far along she was," the younger medic asked him.

"Eight months," Harm replied, not really listening to the medic's question.

"Sir, it is not possible that Mrs. Rabb was eight months pregnant," the medic replied.

"Pregnant?" Harm repeated the word. "She's not pregnant, she can't be..."

Could she? What if...what if he had gotten her pregnant the last time they were together? That last time would have been four weeks ago, two weeks before..."Oh God!" he gasped out, feeling his heart drop, "Oh God, no. Please, don't...God, please don't let her have been pregnant," he prayed out loud, voice hoarse and desperate.

Once they got into the hospital, Mac who'd finally slipped into blessed unconsciousness en route was whisked away by the doctors. Harm was given paper work to fill out and told to sit down in the waiting area. He sat, but he didn't get past filling out her name when he heard her crying out for him.

Harm leapt up and headed for the cubicle where he'd heard the cry come from. He rushed inside and saw Mac fighting the hands of the doctors and nurses. He stepped up next to her and reaching across one nurse he took her shoulders in a firm grip, "We had this talk, Marine. You need help and they're going to give it to you. I'll be right outside. If you want me, you call me. Okay?"

"I don't want you to go," she told him. "I'm scared." This was whispered as if she was embarrassed by it.

"I know, but you have to be examined. I'll be right outside filling out the insurance forms." He kissed her cheek. "I love you, Ninja Girl."

Harm worked on the papers, got a cup of coffee, called the Admiral to check on the children, and got a second cup of coffee before the doctors were finished with Mac. He had just sat down on a hard chair near Mac's ER cubicle when he heard the doctor call him. "Commander Rabb," the tall red headed woman said as she approached him. "I'm Laura Angelli, ER attending physician. I was taking care of your wife."

"How is my wife, Doctor?" Harm asked in a rush.

"She's tired, weak, and very frightened, but she'll be all right. We gave her a slight sedative to keep her quiet, and she's sleeping now," the woman informed him.

"Was that really necessary? Mac doesn't like to be drugged and she'll want to go home to our children, not sleep off some drugs in a hospital bed," Harm told the doctor. "I should have been consulted."

"Commander, Sarah...we had to examine Sarah to make sure that...When I asked Sarah if she was pregnant, she said no, that she couldn't have anymore babies. Yet, my exam, and the labs I ran said...You're wife was pregnant, Commander. The bleeding...was...were you engaged in sexual activity before she began bleeding?" Dr. Angelli asked.

Harm looked down at his hands, which he had clamped in his lap. "Yes," he replied.

"Okay," the doctor sighed. "Are you aware of the severity of your wife's endometriosis?" she asked him. "I see surgical scarring. How long ago was her surgery?"

"It was about five months ago," he replied. "Dr. Angelli, are you sure she was pregnant. I mean she had her regular cycle in spades about three and a half weeks ago."

"I'm sure, Commander," the doctor replied. "That's not that uncommon. You see with this disease, the lining, the endometrium where the fertilized egg will implant, it develops on the inside where it should and through out the reproductive system, sometimes onto the bladder and the colon as well. Every month some of that will bleed and shed like a normal period, and some...its case specific, but that's probably what was happening with Sarah."

"Is it getting worse? Does she have to have more surgery?" Harm asked anxiously.

"Not without further testing, which she should have done with her regular OBGYN," Dr. Angelli said. "But from the examination that I've completed, she's going to have to have more surgery."

He sighed again, trying to stop his hands from shaking. "Does she know about..." He swallowed the lump gathering in his throat. "Does she know about the baby?"

"No, Commander," Dr. Angelli said. "She does not."

"And she will not," Harm said firmly. "Is that understood?" He asked this in his best Commander's voice.

Solemnly the doctor nodded. "She'll need to have blood work in a few days to make sure her pregnancy hormone levels are dropping appropriately. But if you'd like to wait until you take her home…"

Harm cut her off. "I'll speak with our doctor about keeping it quiet. She wouldn't handle it well, and I…You understand don't you?" he asked.

Dr. Angelli nodded slowly. "You can go and sit with her now, Sir. She asked for you until we had to put her under. She should be waking up soon. She's still in a lot of pain, and she'll need a week of really good rest to get her strength back, but as the bleeding is under control, you can take her home in a few hours."

"Thank you, Dr. Angelli," Harm said as he shook the woman's hand.

"Go to your wife, Sir. She'll need you," the woman instructed and smiled.

Harm sat beside Mac's bed, took her tiny, limp hand into his large, firm one and kissed the back of it. "It's going to be okay, Sarah. We'll get through this. I promised you in sickness and in health and I meant it. There have been other promises I've broken, but not that one, Sarah. Not that one."

She opened her eyes slightly and moved her lips just slightly. Harm felt her hand contract and looked up. "Hey, Ninja Girl."

"You never broke a promise, Harm," she whispered. "You couldn't." With that she closed her eyes again and sought more sleep.

Harm let out a long sigh and then did something he had not done since DJ had pneumonia when he was only three months old. He slipped off the chair and knelt by Mac's beside, his hand still holding onto her. "God, if you're listening. She's not at fault for what I've done. Don't; please don't use her to punish me for my sin. She doesn't deserve that, Lord. Please, don't make her suffer anymore. Amen."


	6. Chapter 6

**See Chapter One for Notes and Disclaimers**

**1121 ZULU**

**Mackenzie Rabb Residence**

**ManassasVA**

Lucy woke the next morning twenty minutes later than usual. She listened for the sounds of her parents making coffee and talking over the newspaper like they did every morning but heard nothing. Taking her trusty Pooh bear with her, she left her room in search of them.

AJ was sitting in the living room, in Harm's chair, a large leather chair that could easily fit the Commander and any one of the members of his family. He'd had a difficult time relaxing since the urgent phone call he'd received from Harm in the middle of the night.

Finally, around five that morning he dozed off, one ear listening for the sounds of the children waking up. He knew that the last thing Mac or Harm would want would be for their children to see that mess that was inside their parents' room. Still for all his good intentions he nearly missed Lucy's light footsteps as she left her bedroom and headed to her parents' room.

Lucy saw her Uncle AJ sleeping in her Daddy's chair. Uncle AJ never came over this early in the morning. Curious, she walked over to the sleeping ex-SEAL and climbed on his lap.

The weight on his lap woke AJ from his sleep. He smiled at the little girl that had nestled there. "Good morning, Lucy," he greeted trying to keep his voice upbeat and cheerful.

"Morning," she greeted. Then, "Where's Mommy and Daddy?"

"Um, Mommy…" he began. How did one do this? How did one tell a five year old girl that her mother was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night? That answer was simple, one did not. So what should he tell her?

DJ began to wail just then and AJ was thankful for the ability to put off answering Lucy's question until he had attended to the youngest Rabb child. "Let's go get your brother," he told the girl. "Then we can have some breakfast."

Lucy wouldn't be put off so easily. "Where's Daddy, Uncle AJ? I want Mommy and Daddy."

Lucy trailed behind the Admiral as he went to pick up DJ. "Hey, Little Sailor," the older man said lifting up the fussy boy. "Are you wet?"

"Mommy?" DJ asked looking at the familiar face. "Mommy, bye bye?"

"Yeah," AJ answered. "Let's get you cleaned up and we'll talk about that over breakfast."

Lucy shadowed every move the former Admiral made while he changed DJ's pull up and put on his little Bob the Builder robe. "How about pancakes for breakfast?" AJ offered.

Lucy nodded and followed him to the kitchen while AJ kept DJ in his arms. He set the toddler in his high chair tying on his bib so that he wouldn't get syrup all over his front. Lucy sat down in her usual place looking forlornly at her mother and father's vacant seats. AJ poured her orange juice and started the batter for the pancakes. "Mommy and Daddy had to take a little trip, Lucy," he told her. "Daddy asked me to stay with you until they get back."

"Where did they go?" Lucy asked. She knew her parents often traveled, but rarely together and never in the middle of the night.

"They went to…" he hesitated. Harm would have his hide if he told Lucy the truth. Mac's illness upset the little girl even though Mac did her best to hide it from her. A Harmon Rabb in protective father mode was not something even this ex-SEAL wanted to tangle with, so he had to think on the fly. "They went to Russia."

He had no idea where that came from. It was that Russia was a special place for Harm and Mac, no matter what dangers they had encountered while there it had been that place that had brought out the feelings that he'd seen develop that day in the White House rose garden.

Lucy's giggle brought him out of the memory, "Uncle AJ, Russia is on the other side of the world. Are you being silly?"

AJ shook his head. He'd underestimated her, but this was the offspring of two of the craftiest investigators and attorneys he'd ever had in his command. Their daughter of course would see through his ruse.

He smiled, "Yes, Lucy I'm being silly. Mommy and Daddy wanted to go and uh, have a little "adult time," AJ told her. He knew that's how Mac and Harm referred to what they did behind closed doors to encourage their children to call out or knock if they were needed in the night, this of course to avoid any unnecessary embarrassment.

"They only do that in the nighttime," Lucy said to him sipping her juice.

"Well, they left in the nighttime," AJ countered. "And they'll be back before you know it." He served her the pancakes. "Now eat up."

AJ joined the children after he set the pancake pan in the dishwater to soak. "So, what do you want to do today?" he asked. Before Lucy could answer the phone rang.

"Daddy!" Lucy exclaimed and moved to answer the phone. AJ intercepted her and lifted the receiver, "Rabb residence."

"AJ, its Harm. If the kids are with you don't say anything," he instructed.

"All right," AJ agreed. "So how are things?"

"Mac's going to be all right. They gave her some blood and have gotten the bleeding under control. She's still in a lot of pain, but I can take her home later on this morning," Harm explained.

"That sounds good," AJ said keeping his tone light, his words cryptic.

"Yeah, listen, I'm going to need a couple more favors. I'll pay you back for this," Harm said.

"Don't worry about it, whatever you need," he answered.

"First off, I'm going to need you to call Bud and Harriet and ask them to keep the kids over night. Sarah is still pretty weak and I want her to have a nice rest before she has to deal with questions from the kids," Harm informed him. "Second, we're going to need a lift home from the hospital, I didn't bring my car and I don't want to subject her to a rough cab ride."

"No problem, I can handle that," AJ replied, watching as DJ painted his high chair try with his pancake. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, on more thing. The medics put a sterile gown on her last night when the picked her up and I didn't think to bring anything for her to wear home. If you can have Lucy get dressed and get Sarah a sweatshirt and some jeans from our closet when you come, that would be great," Harm said. "How are the kids doing? Any problems?"

"Nothing I couldn't handle," AJ replied. "You have enough to think about. Let me handle the rest of this and I'll see you about 1000?"

"Make it 1100, AJ," Harm said. "And thanks again, for everything you've done."

"Don't mention it," AJ sighed. "Anything I can do. Talk to you later."

The moment AJ hung up, Lucy asked, "Was that Daddy?"

"No, that was for me," AJ fibbed. "But guess what I was thinking about?"

"What?" Lucy asked as she watched AJ take the soggy pancake from her little brother.

"That it would be a lot of fun if you and DJ went to play at Aunt Harriet's and Uncle Bud's house," AJ told her with a smile.

"Yay!" Lucy exclaimed. "I love playing with AJ."

"I know you do," AJ replied. "So let me call them up and see what time's good okay. You run along and wash up."

AJ turned to go down the hallway and into Harm and Mac's room. He had seen the room before, blood everywhere, so he tried not to look now as he went to get some clothes for Mac to wear home.

Taking a pair of sweats, a shirt, tennis shoes and some socks along with Mac's address book, he left to set about the rest of his duties, all the while keeping his eyes away from the floor near the bathroom.

As expected, Bud and Harriet were more than happy to help out with the kids, so AJ was free to tend to the rest of the duties Harm asked him to attend to. It was just after noon when AJ pulled his late model Lincoln Navigator up to the Rabb household. In his back seat, his "children" sat together, Sarah with her head resting on her husband's chest, Harm with his arms wrapped around her.

"Well, here we are," he said putting the car into park. "There's food in the cupboard, Colleen's been walked, and the children are with Bud and Harriet for the night," he told Harm.

"Harm, why aren't our children here?" she asked pulling away from him. "I want to see my children, they must be so scared," she fretted.

"Nah," the Admiral smiled. "They think you and Harm are off having," he made air quotes. "Adult time. They have no idea what happened here last night."

"Still," Mac fixed Harm with a gaze. "I want to see my kids. You should have asked me what I wanted done, you..."

"Mac," Harm cut her off. "No one cleaned up the bedroom yet and I want to make sure you have recovered the rest of your strength. Think how upset Lucy and DJ will be if you pass out on us or something. This is best." He kissed her gently. "Now let's get you inside so you can rest," he said opening the door to the vehicle. Once he was out and on the ground he moved to lift her out of the seat.

"Harm, I'm all right now, I can walk inside by myself," Mac told him. Harm had a tendency to be very overprotective especially when he considered her to be fragile, like with the poachers, with her pregnancies, when her father died, but sometimes she had to take control for herself.

"Mac, please...you were in the hospital last night," he reminded her as if he had to.

"I know, and I know you were worried about me, but I'm feeling fine, so if you'll lift me down out of this monstrosity you and I can hold hands, and walk inside together."

AJ watched the exchange with a soft smile. These two people, both polar opposites in so many ways, were as perfectly suited to each other as a hat and a glove. "If you won't need anything else from me, I'm going to go home and let these bones get some rack time," he said once Mac and Harm were standing hand in hand on their lawn.

Harm nodded, "Thank you so much for everything," he said sincerely.

"Really, AJ," Mac agreed. "We owe you more than we can repay. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't know the children were in capable hands."

"Don't mention it again, I mean it," AJ smiled. "It's the least I could do. Now, Mac you get some rest and Harm, try not to drive her crazy okay?"

"Too late," Mac laughed and waved as they watched the Admiral back out of their drive and turn down the dirt road.

Slowly, hand in hand, Harm and Mac made their way up the walkway to their house. Their walkway was long, a good twenty five feet, and in spite of the lightheadedness and pain, Mac made a good fifteen of them without faltering a step.

In spite of her training and determination not to be anymore of a burden on her husband than absolutely necessary, Mac found herself for the last few steps leaning heavily on her husband's arm. The increased pressure caused him to stop and look down at her with worry in his tired, seemingly dull blue eyes. "You okay? I can..." He was about to offer, but she cut him off. "Just put your arm around me okay. I refuse to be treated like an invalid."

He wanted to argue with her, to lift her up into his arms, carry her inside and hold her, never letting go. That was not realistically possible he knew, first because right now he was dealing the Colonel side of her personality, the one who was fiercely independent, who hated not being able to do everything and anything she wanted, and if walking into the house on her own would give her peace of mind, then he'd forfeit his own to give it to her.

He said nothing and slipped his arm around Mac's shoulders tucking her into his side. She slipped her own arm around his waist and squeezed, "When we get inside you are going to tell me what's on that mind of yours, Flyboy."

Harm didn't reply to Mac's comment. Instead he pulled her closer to his body, if that was even possible and kissed her hair. She sighed...This was not good. This was what Harm was like when he went into super protective mode, the last time he'd done this was when she had a close call during her pregnancy with DJ and was placed on six weeks bed rest. He shouldered every burden of her care and Lucy's and he still kept working. He did this for three weeks until one night she found him on the sofa, with a photograph of his father clutched tightly in his hand in tears. She never wanted to go through that again. It took a lot to break her husband, and she could tell by the rigidity of his body, and the deadness in his eyes that he was on the brink.

With Harm's assistance Mac made it inside but barely. She'd lost a good deal of blood the night before and was still bleeding, though it was under control now. She had an appointment with her doctor first thing on Monday morning. "I want you to lie down on the couch as soon as we get inside," Harm told her when they stopped at the door for him to open it. "I don't want you to do too much until we see Dr. Bradley, all right?"

"Harm, Dr. Angelli said I'm all right. If I wasn't she wouldn't have let me go," Mac reminded him.

"I know, but please," he looked down into her eyes. "Do this for me?"

She nodded solemnly and let him lead her to their large wrap around sofa. With infinite tenderness he eased her down, grimacing as he saw her wince. "I'll get you some extra pillows for your back and legs," he told her and moved to Lucy's room to retrieve his daughter's pillows. He didn't want to go into that room just yet.

Once Harm returned he came to Mac's side, and gentle eased her towards him so he could put the soft pillow behind her back. Leaning the other two he had taken against the couch he sat beside her and took her feet into his lap, in order to remove her shoes. Once that was done he put her legs up and propped on pillow under her feet and one under her knees. The blanket around her shoulders and over her knees was the final touch. "There, how's that?"

Mac's hand snaked out from under the blankets and reached out for his hand, holding on tightly. "Harm, look at me," she told him. "It's going to be okay. Okay?"

"I know," he replied leaning over her to kiss her lips gently. She snaked out her other hand and caressed his unshaven cheek, "You look so tired. Why don't you sit with me and we can hold each other for awhile?" she suggested, not because she needed his arms around her, but rather because she needed her arms around him. He was stressed, he was tired, and he needed her, whether he'd admit it or not.

Harm sighed and nodded his head. Mac slid over a bit so that he could wedge himself in behind her. A bit more wiggling he was secured behind her, his arms around her, her head against his chest, the blanket covering them both. "I love you, Harm," Mac whispered as she felt her body start to shut down.

Harm waited until he was sure Mac was in a deep sleep, then gently and slowly he worked his long body out of the niche he'd made for himself. He wanted to get the bedroom cleaned up before she saw it. Last night she was in no real condition to notice how much blood she's lost. In fact she had admitted to him that after their ill fated session of love making the whole thing was pretty hazy and he preferred it that way. He didn't want her to remember lying on the bathroom floor bleeding and shaking. He didn't want her to remember going into shock or getting her dignity stolen by a pair of well meaning medics. If she saw the blood bath in her bedroom, he feared that would happen.

Most of all he didn't want her to ever know about her pregnancy. Mac had told him how much she wanted them to conceive another child and the inability to do so and do so safely pained her. If she had known they'd done so and that she had miscarried that child, that his callousness had caused her to miscarry that child...she'd never forgive him for that. She'd forgive him his earlier indiscretion, his occasional poor manners and bad temper, she would even forgive him for Annie if he ever decided to tell her, but she would never forgive him for murdering their child in a single act of selfishness.

With one last look at Mac sleeping peacefully on the sofa Harm made his way to their bedroom. Taking a deep breath to steady his shaking hands he opened the door and surveyed the scene. At crime scenes, even bloody ones, he had the ability to leave his body, to take the part that made him Harmon Rabb and leave it somewhere else while he worked. He couldn't do that here though, try as he might.

He looked at the room from the safety of the doorway. He saw his uniform shirt and under shirt in a pile near the door. He was Mac's sweats and socks in a heap at the foot of the bed; he saw his pants a few inches away from them. He saw the bed, sheets pulled out of their tight "hospital corners" rumpled from their love making. Those things brought happy memories.

Then he saw the blood. The pretty yellow flowered sheets that Mac liked so much were stained with it and not just drops but at least a half pint. They could never use those sheets again. He moved to the bed and pulled the sheets off. The blood stain had gone through the sheet to the mattress cover. He removed that. The stain had gone through the cover as well and onto the mattress. Hopefully she'd never see that, he usually changed their sheets.

Harm refused to look at the floor until he'd dealt with the sheets. He kept breathing deeply until he had the soiled linens in the trash outback. On the way back he took a scrub brush and some ammonia to clean the blood from the floor.

Harm filled their bucket up with hot water, poured some ammonia into the water and headed back to their bedroom. He put the bucket down and picked up the clothing that littered the floor, folded it and put in to Mac's rocking chair. Then he went around to her side of the bed, pausing to open the bathroom door as he went, got down on his knees and surveyed the task in front of him.

From looking at the blood he could see every move Mac had made while he was in Lucy's room. She had slid off the bed and walked, probably pausing numerous times, given the stains were larger in some areas than in others, and walked to the bathroom. Inside the bathroom was a large puddle of blood that still had not dried near the sink where he had found her. Her white silk robe, the one she'd worn on their wedding night lay in a heap stained with red near the toilet. As he looked at the mess he felt his body start to shake, his heart crack, and his breath fail him.

The pain she must have felt, the terror at seeing this happening to her he could not imagine...If only he hadn't gone to Lucy... No, this was not Lucy's fault. She was a baby, just a little girl that had a bad dream and wanted her parents' comfort. This was his fault, and no one else's. If hadn't been so selfish in making love to her when he knew, he knew for certain that it was dangerous, that it would hurt her, Sarah wouldn't have almost bled to death. If he had only kept his hands off her she would have kept their baby, a baby she wanted so desperately to give him. There was only one person to blame here, and that person was him.

Harm tried to calm his breathing down and get the work he had to do done. He felt his stomach start to turn and rose on shaky legs, his objective to make it to the toilet before he lost the minimal amount of breakfast he'd eaten that morning.

He reached the toilet, flipping the lid out of the way as he dropped to his knees. He'd never felt as nauseous in his life as he felt in that bathroom, surrounded by the blood of his wife, blood that he caused to be shed.

He slowly pushed himself back, his head reeling. He rubbed his hands over his bristled face, his fingers through his dirty hair. He was truly a mess.

As he went to stand up, his eyes landed once more upon Mac's robe beside the toilet. Taking a deep breath, he bent down and picked it up. He loved how she looked in it, so angelic and so beautiful. It was ruined, though; far too many blood stains to ever get out.

_October 1998_

_Harm was lying on the large king-sized bed in the Honeymoon Suite of the D.C.Plaza. Mac was in the bathroom getting "comfortable". He couldn't believe they had done this, that they had finally admitted what was there for two years. It had taken them going to the depths of Hell before they could admit their love, but finally, out of the ashes of his life, came this wonderful gift, as if, in someway his father was replaying him for his loyalty in searching._

_The door to the bathroom opened and Mac stepped out. She was dressed in white from the fluffy white hair piece that held her thick hair, to delicate white heeled slippers that matched. The accessories were gravy though compared to the rest of the package._

_He must have stopped breathing or at least had gotten a funny look on his face because Mac asked, "Harm, are you all right?"_

_"Yeah," he breathed in reply as he took in this vision in front of him. He moved under some invisible power towards her and took her into his arms crushing her to him. "You are so beautiful," he told her. "So..." _

_He stood back from her and surveyed her trousseau, a slim cut white night gown that dipped at the neck, exposing the tops of her breasts. Over the thin material was a robe, just as thin and just as see through, only it was lined with delicate fur as soft as her skin. He'd never seen anything more beautiful, he didn't think he ever would again._

**Present**

He stood up holding the ruined material and started to head for the door. This was another thing that she didn't need to see, that she shouldn't have to deal with. As he moved to exit the bathroom to dispose of the garment he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He looked awful, he had bags under his eyes, his cheeks were unshaven, but worse of all was the color of his face. He still looked robust, healthy, not dull and chalky like Sarah looked when she was lying on the floor bleeding. He'd almost lost her last night, the doctors had told him if he'd let it go much longer.

His breath was coming faster again, as he looked at the reflection in the mirror. No longer did he see a loving husband and devoted father. He saw a liar, a cheater, and worse than that. With the precious scrap of silk clutched in one hand, he unconsciously reached out and grabbed the first thing he could get a hold of, the blue and white porcelain hand cream dispenser that they'd gotten as a wedding gift. Just as unconsciously, he reared back and let it fly straight into the mirror, sending glass flying in every direction as the deafening sound filled the air. He collapsed to his knees and sobbed into the blood-stained silk robe. "What have I done to her!" he cried, into that sad scrap of robe. "God in Heaven, what have I done?"

It was the sound of shattering glass that woke Mac from her sleep. "Harm?" she called out softly, a bit dazed from her nap and the drugs still in her system.

Harm didn't respond to that soft call, so she called to him again, while maneuvering herself from the cocoon of blankets and pillows he'd made for her. "Harm!"

Still, he did not answer. Mac sighed and rose steadily albeit painfully from the couch. Harm would never not answer her when she called, especially now. The feelings that she'd been having while they road home from the hospital and while he fussed over her earlier was nagging at her. Her husband was a strong man, but even strong men...Mac bit her lip and moved a bit faster into their bedroom.

Mac approached their bedroom door which Harm had left opened. She didn't hear him and she didn't see him. "Harm?" she called again. "Harm, answer me!" Her voice was getting desperate. He had to be in here. What if he'd fallen, what if he was hurt...all kinds of terrible thoughts ran through her mind.

Harm heard his wife's voice calling to him from the outer part of their bedroom. She must have heard the glass breaking and had come to see about it. He tried to answer her in his strong, supportive husband tone, but all he managed was a weak, husky, "Mac."

Of all the thoughts that were running through Mac's head, none of them were as bad as what she saw when she entered the bathroom. She didn't even notice the trail of blood, the puddles of water, or the broken glass. All she saw was her strong husband alone in the bathroom, on his knees, clinging desperately to her trousseau robe. He was shaking and she knew the breakdown she'd feared was upon them.

Without thinking Mac dropped to her knees besides Harm. Pain shot through her back, but she ignored it. "I'm here, Sweetheart. It's all right," she whispered as she opened her arms to him. She almost laughed at how he reminded her of DJ as he crawled into their comfort. She would have if it hadn't scared her so much. "Talk to me, Harm. Let it all out and talk to me."

She held him close for a few minutes, slowly rocking back and forth, hoping it would comfort him a little. "Harm" she said softly. "Please talk to me. Tell me what's wrong. Why you're falling apart like this?"

Harm took a few breaths to steady himself and answered her, "I don't..." he began then took another deep breath. "It's just...this...it's just too much. I can't do…It's too much."

"What's too much, sweetheart?" she asked him, her right hand gently rubbing his back as she spoke. "What can't you do?"

He took a breath and in a rush started apologizing. "I'm sorry...I'm so...I'm so sorry. I never wanted...I didn't know...If I just..." He bit his lip and looked up at her with red eyes. "This wouldn't have happened if I treated you like I should have," he confessed before giving way to another bout of sobbing. "I'm sorry."

The last word came out on a harsh ragged sob. He felt ridiculous crying like this, but he couldn't stop it. He buried his face in the material of her shirt and tried to hide there.

"Oh, Harm" she said, putting her cheek against the top of his head, her arms wrapped tight around him as he cried. It was killing her to see him hurting like this. "You have nothing to be sorry for - Do you hear me? Nothing." She felt herself tear up just a bit as she spoke to him, trying in vain to reassure him that the burden of guilt he'd thrown upon himself was unwarranted.

"Yes I do," he countered. "It's my fault, all my fault. . I knew the risks, and I went on and did it anyway," he told her, his voice getting a harsh edge. He was angry at himself and sick inside over it. "It's my fault you almost bled to death in this bathroom and it's my fault that our baby...I did this," he moved his hand about to exemplify his meaning. "All of it. I hurt you, I cost us the baby...I..." He couldn't continue, for his throat filled and he gave into despair once again.

She opened her mouth to speak while at the same time the words he'd just uttered hit her like a truck. She took his tear-stained, heartbroken face in her hands and forced his eyes to meet with hers. "Baby?" she said, her bottom lip quivering, her voice almost too tiny to be heard by Mac herself, let alone by him. "Baby?"

He nodded tortured blue eyes meeting sympathetic brown ones. "How did you know?" he asked not realizing he'd just told her. "I told her, I ordered her...You were not supposed to be told! You were never supposed to know!" He shouted these words, angry that not only had Mac's dream been taken by his hand, but that now she had the knowledge of it. Now, she too would have to suffer, and that's the last thing he had wanted.

Mac leaned back against the wall, closed her eyes and sobbed into her hands as her mind struggled to formulate a reply to his outburst. After a few seconds, she was able to answer his question. "You...you just said it, Harm." she said. "You said...they told you...I...I was pregnant?"

"I…I'm sorry," he said, nearly a whisper. "I didn't want you to know. That's just…you see, that's what…I can't protect you. No matter what I do I only end up hurting you. I'm so sorry, I never meant for any of this to happen. Not the disease, not the pain, not the thing with Annie, none of it. I don't…I should just leave now and spare you anymore of this," he told her in that small heart broken voice he'd been using almost the entire time he'd been in the bathroom.

As he rose, his movements were slow and uncoordinated. It was like he was a toddler, only learning how to stand on his own two feet.

When he stepped past her and towards the door, she completely fell apart. The reality of what he'd let slip about the baby they'd lost was more devastating than she'd ever imagined, and it didn't take but a few seconds for the blame to find her.

Mac's sobs did not even register with Harm's consciousness. All he could think of was how much pain he'd caused her. His chest hurt and his eyes stung from crying. His pride ached for losing control. He was the man in this family, he didn't cry like that, it was his job to protect her and comfort her.

Harm felt their trustworthy dog, Colleen make her way past him, making a bee line for the bathroom in their suite. He heard the dog whine as he stood near the kitchen window breathing in the air offered there. Seconds later the Setter was back, barking at him and nipping at the leg of his pants.

"What is it, Girl?" he asked the pet. "You have to go out?"

The animal barked again, then with a little whine headed back towards the bathroom. She stopped and started moving back and forth until she was certain he was following her. Colleen only got this crazy when someone was hurting or sick, usually one of the kids. It couldn't be the kids, they were at Bud's. That meant..."Oh shit!" It came back in a rush. He'd blurted out completely devoid of tact that Mac had been carrying the baby she'd just recently asked him to give to her, she had to be devastated. She had to be in pieces, and he had to go to her. It was his cross to bear.

She hadn't moved from the place he'd left her nearly 10 minutes before, 10 minutes she'd spent trying to make sense of the cruel tricks her body had played on her. How could she have not realized she was pregnant? How could something so important have gone completely unnoticed by someone who'd been pregnant twice before? What kind of mother was she to let…

The sound of glass crunching under Harm's feet forced Mac to lift her head up. He knelt down in front of her and gently put his arms around her. He was composed now, his mask of control firmly in place. "I'm sorry, Sarah," he said softly, holding her to him, rocking her as she had rocked him.

He let her cry against him for a few minutes, simply holding her, dropping the occasional kiss on her head. "You weren't supposed to find out about it, Sarah. I let...I didn't want you to know, I wanted to spare you that pain. Seems like just another thing I failed at. I'm sorry," he apologized again, but no amount of sorry could help now, he knew. Hell, it didn't even serve at making him feel better. It only made her cry more.

"No" she sobbed, "_I'm_ sorry...it's my fault the baby..." She clung to him even tighter and cried from the deepest part of her shattered heart. "I didn't even know and...oh God, Harm, look what I did!"

Harm was baffled by her words. What she did? It was his idea to make love. It was his idea to keep pushing even when he sensed her tension. He was the one who initiated the whole encounter. He knew that it wouldn't be safe after what had happened with her last cycle, the pain and the heavy flow. But still he pressed the issue, still he'd drove himself into her so hard that he had bruised the tender flesh around her thighs. Ultimately the events of the previous night had only one cause, his callousness and roughness when he had known better. "Oh, Honey," he gasped shocked. "Sarah, you didn't do anything. You didn't do anything more than try and be a wife to me. It was wrong of me to push you Sarah. I knew something wasn't right but I kept right on pushing. Don't blame yourself, Ninja Girl. Please don't."

He pulled her face back a bit to force her to look in his eyes, for her to see the truth there. He loved her; he wanted her to know that to see his eyes say it along with his lips. "I love you, Sarah. And I'm so sorry you have to feel like this. That's why I told the doctors not to say anything."

"How can I _not _blame myself?" she asked him, not calming down much but somehow finding herself more able to speak. "I should have known I was pregnant - that's not something you could have known, but I should have and I didn't and look what happened!" She paused for a moment as the tears came rushing back.

"I should have known to tell you 'no'" she continued, "but I wanted...we wanted...I'm so sorry, Harm... so sorry..."

"Mac, we only made this baby the last time we were together. There was no way you could have known either," Harm comforted. "And how could you know, you even had a cycle. This is not your fault, Sarah. And I don't want to ever hear you say that again," Harm told her, his voice broking no argument.

He brushed the tears from her face as she looked up at him. She knew he was right, there was no way she could have known they'd accidentally conceived a few weeks ago, no possible way given the completely fouled-up manner in which her body now functioned. Still, there was a part of her that was completely riddled with guilt; the guilt a mother feels when she fails to protect her child.

"OK" she said, weakly agreeing with him. "But I don't want you blaming yourself, either."

He held her hand and started to lead her out of the bathroom now in shambles. He stopped just outside the doorway and sighed. He could still see her laying there, her eyes begging him to help her. She didn't want him to say anything else about blame so he wouldn't, say anything that is, but there was no way he could stop thinking it.

"Sarah, I think you should go back and lie down again. Your body has been through so much in the last 24 hours. Let's get you lying down again then I'll tackle this mess so we can bring our kids home tomorrow," Harm suggested.

"I'll be all right, Harm, but..." she sighed and surveyed the mess. "I want you to rest too. You were up all night and I know this had to be hard on you. After that display earlier...you shouldn't have to do this alone," Mac told him. "I'll get a broom and you refill that water bucket. We can clean up together and then we can just hold each other until we have to pick up Lucy and DJ. What do you say?"

Harm looked at Sarah ready to argue with her, but the look in her brown eyes told him that not only did she want to do this, but she needed to, as if she saw this action as a way of starting to move on. "All right," he capitulated. "But the minute you hurt or get tired you stop right away. Promise me."

Mac slipped her arms around his middle and held him tight a moment before pulling back and tipping her face up for a quick little kiss. "Promise. Now let's get to work. The only thing I really want is to be in your arms."

"And you can be, my love," he told her. "So move your six, there's work to be done."

Mac backed up and smiled her first real smile since that previous evening. With a mock salute, she replied, "Aye aye, Sir," turned on her heel and went to get the broom.


	7. Chapter 7

**See Chapter One for Notes and Disclaimers**

**1232 ZULU**

**Rabb Residence**

**Manassas, VA**

After they'd cleaned up the mess in the bedroom, Harm made Mac dinner, lasagna, one of her favorite meals, and then they both retired to the bedroom. He held onto her, she held onto him. Finally, the beating of his heart lulled her to sleep, but Harm remained awake, watching her breath in and out, gently caressing the side of her body.

Mac slept much later than she normally did that Sunday, her head resting on Harm's chest. She stirred slightly, looked up and met his beautiful blue eyes. They were dull, devoid of luster and underneath the skin was swollen and discolored. Gently, she traced the bags under his eyes with her finger. With a sad smile she sighed, "You didn't sleep at all did you?"

He shook his head. "Nope," he said. "I tried to, you know, it just didn't happen too much on my mind, I guess."

She rubbed her hand across his chest. "You have to sleep, Sweetheart. You can't do this to yourself. You promised." She kissed a spot on his bare chest that he especially like her to kiss, just above the nipple.

He offered her a faint smile, the best he could do given his core-deep exhaustion, both physical and mental. "I did, didn't eye?"

"Yeah. And in a few hours, we have to go and pick up our children. You know what they're going to be like when they see us. I just hope I can pick them up if they want me to," Mac fretted.

"Don't even try, Honey," he said gently. "I don't feel comfortable with you lifting anything much until we see Dr. Bradley. I know DJ will want you to hold him, but you'll both have to settle for him sitting in your lap, just until we know you're okay."

"I know, and you're right," she agreed. "But what about you? You have to be exhausted, Honey, you have me worried. It's not just this…there's something else isn't there?"

He felt that knife in his gut again, as if someone was wiggling it around just so he'd remember it was there, as if he could possibly forget about it. "No," he answered. "It's just all this, and it's been a hard weekend. I'll be all right, Mac."

Mac had noticed since Harm's trip he'd been different, but now she was sure of it. Something was off, but still he denied it.

"I know," she sighed. "But we'll see Dr. Bradley tomorrow and he'll tell you I'm fine. Now, you better get a shower while I get you breakfast," she told him moving into the sitting position and pulling on his robe.

"Okay babe," he sighed as he rolled slowly out of bed. He walked to the dresser and took out a clean pair of boxers before padding across the floor towards the master bedroom. He reached the doorframe and stopped cold.

"Get over it, Sailor," he ordered himself. "It's just a bathroom. You can do this."

But it _wasn't_ just a bathroom anymore. That small space held some of his worst memories, his deepest fears, and most of all, so many pieces of his broken heart.

"What do you want to eat?" I do waffles, French toast, or pancakes. Eggs are your department," she informed him and awaited his answer.

"Huh? Oh, um, French toast sounds great, Mac," he said, hoping she didn't realize how terrified he was of going into that bathroom. "I'll scramble up some eggs when I get out of here."

"You have to go in there first, Harm," she replied. "Do you need me to go with you?" She didn't want to embarrass him, but Harm was much more emotional man that he'd want anyone to know, including her. Too bad she'd seen him cry too many times for him to keep that image.

Slowly he nodded, "Would you come with me? I…"

Mac sighed. She wanted to understand but if she was all right with it, how could he not be? She moved to his side and took his hand. "Ready?"

He silently nodded and reached inside to flip the light switch. The room was spotless now; no evidence remained of the heartbreak from Friday night. No visible evidence, anyway.

He looked around, felt his breathing becoming rapid and his palms begin to sweat. "Cool it, Harm," he thought to himself. "This is crazy, just chill out and get in the damn shower!"

"Harm, take a deep breath," Mac coaxed. "Now look at me, look into my eyes," she told him.

He obliged her. "Good. Now take another deep breath and look at my face and tell me what you see."

Again, he obliged. "I…I see you, Sarah, lying here," he pointed to the floor in front of the sink. "God, you look so helpless…you," he felt himself on the verge of another meltdown, but refused to give in.

Mac reached up and took his face in her hands, "Harm, answer me this, am I lying on this floor right now?"

"No." His response barely qualified as a whisper.

"That's right, no. And what about my face?" she asked. "Does it have the color back in it?"

He nodded, reaching his hand up to touch her face; almost as if to make sure she was really there with him,

Mac took that hand and slid it down between her breasts, "And what about my heart? How does it feel to you?"

"Alive," he answered. "But my God, Mac, you almost…"

"Ssh…" She hushed him with a finger to his lips. "We're lawyers, Commander. We only deal in facts, not what ifs and almosts. What do the facts tell you, Harm?" she asked, standing up straight and holding his gaze.

"That my beautiful wife is still alive and I love her more than ever," he replied studying their clasped hands, reveling in the beating of her heart.

"Okay," she replied. "Now I need you to do something for me. Can you do something for me, Harm?" she asked, really getting frightened at how he was handling this.

"Yes," he replied. "I'll do anything for you."

"Good," she replied. "I need you to let this go. I can't watch you like this, Sweetie. It scares me. And I'm going to be honest, while I'm better, I'm still not well, so I need my big strong Sailor to act like my big strong Sailor, okay?" she ventured knowing if he thought she need him he would will himself to deal with this thing, even if that meant letting him coddle her for the day.

"I'll try, Mac," he answered. "For you and for the kids, I'll really try, but please try to understand that this is really hard for me to get my head and my heart around."

She lifted his hand and kissed one at a time. "I know, but we have to try and take it one day at a time. If we wallow in it, it will take possession of us, and then we'll never be free. That's what you told me right after we were married and my Dad died. Remember?"

_April 1999_

_Fresno, California_

_Hospice of the Sacred Heart_

_Harm stood and watched his wife of six months hold her father's hand. He'd passed away a short while ago. When it happened Harm had seen the man's hand contract, squeezing Sarah's the priest had said, but she had doubts. He felt however, that the priest was correct._

_After it happened he'd wanted to go to her right away, take her in his arms, and cradle her, loving the hurt away, but he knew that wasn't what she needed. She got up and left the silent room heading outside to where her mother waited for news._

_He gave her a few minutes to talk to her mom, and then he went to the door of the hospice. The sight he witnessed then was beautiful if not bittersweet. Mac, his strong Marine, who still had trouble relinquishing that image even with him was crying her heart out in the arms of her mother, if he could call her that._

_He couldn't hear the words exchanged between mother and daughter, but it seemed that the conversation taking place on that lawn was hurting Mac more than it was helping her. She turned around after the last exchange and started walking briskly back to the hospice. Her mother asked her where she was going, and Mac called, "To bury my Father!"_

_Harm saw her walking back but realized she wasn't walking back to him. The wall was up and the gates were locked and guarded. Still, he was her husband, they'd just whether a rough point in their fledgling marriage, and he needed to be there for her whether she wanted him there or not._

_He knew she needed at that moment, needed his strength and love to get her through the tidal wave of emotions that we battling about in her heart, threading to bring her to her knees._

_In spite of her defensive posture, he approached her one she was back on the porch. "How are you doing, Mac?" he asked placing his arm around her shoulders._

_"Oh, just great," she snapped as more tears fell from her deep brown eyes. "After everything he put me through," she said. "I never imagined it'd be like this, never! I'm not supposed to feel this way Harm. I'm not."_

_"Yes you are," he told her. "My Dad was gone over 25 years and I still mourned his death, Sarah. It's part of the natural healing process," he told her. "You want to come and sit down on the sofa for a while?" he asked. _

_Part of her wanted to refuse his offer, wanted to run and hide and be alone with her feelings. Her heart, however, wanted nothing more than to fall into the safe embrace of her husband and let down her guard, if only for a few moments._

_"Yes..." she said weakly, I do."_

_"All right," he said and led her to the couch by the window. "Come on." He sat down on the couch and pulled her into his lap. "What happened out there?"_

_"She doesn't get it" sniffled Mac, "she doesn't understand how I can be so upset over this, how I could want to have anything to do with a funeral. Hell, I don't understand it myself really, but I'm at least willing to follow my heart and she's holding it against me!"_

_"Mac," he sighed and held her a bit tighter. "You have to do this," he told her. "I'll help you, but you have to have closure, Honey. You have to deal with this, take it one day at a time, and let it go. If you wallow in this, it'll take possession of you." He kissed her hair. "Then you'll never be free."_

He let out a deep sigh. "Yeah, I do." It's not that he didn't want to let this go, let these awful scenes escape from his mind and never return, but the blame he was shouldering for what happened to Mac and to their unborn baby had piled itself atop the sickening guilt over Mexico, leaving him feeling like he didn't deserve to be free of any of it.

"Okay then. As sad as it is and as hard as it had to be for you to...to see that...we have two children who need us to be the parents they know. And now I can't really do it physically, you're going to have to help me. And if in a couple days, you don't feel better, maybe you should see Commander McCool," Mac suggested.

"Ah, Mac," he griped. "I don't need the shrink."

"Maybe you don't," she capitulated. "But if you don't get in that shower soon you're going to need some kind f medical treatment because this Marine is going to kick your six around this house. Now get moving."

Harm leaned down and kissed her soundly on the mouth before replying. "Yes ma'am."

**1729 ZULU**

**ROBERT'S RESIDENCE**

Harm and Mac arrived at the Robert's house and were immediately met by the excited cries of their children.

"Mommy! Daddy! We missed you!" Lucy exclaimed running to her parents' arms.

"We missed you too, Lucy" Mac told her daughter hugging her close. "Didn't we?"

"We sure did," Harm agreed. "Were you good for Aunt Harriet and Uncle Bud?"

"Yes, Sir," Lucy replied. "Except DJ cried last night for a long time."

"Daddy, up! Mommy, up!" the toddler requested. Harm leaned over and scooped up his son. "Hey there big guy," Harm greeted. "You want to give Mommy a kiss?"

Harm held DJ so the little boy could lean over and kiss his mother's cheek.

"Bud was just about to take them downstairs for a game of Monopoly Junior," Harriet told them. "Harm why don't you join them so Sarah and I can talk and she can

R-E-S-T."

"That's a great idea," Harm replied with false enthusiasm. "Rabbs verses Roberts?" he suggested.

"You're on," Bud agreed and turned the troops in the direction of the family's rec room.

"How are you feeling, Sarah?" Harriet asked her friend as she brought her a cup of tea. "Harm seems worried about you. What happened?

"Where do I begin?" replied Mac with a half-hearted laugh. "After Harm got home from hanging out with Bud on Friday night, he was feeling romantic, so we decided to give it a try, hoping it'd be OK since lately it had been."

"And?" Harriet prompted. "It wasn't, was it?"

"Not by any stretch of the imagination." answered Mac, looking down at her teacup. "It started out alright, you know, but as soon as he..." she paused, knowing her friend could read between the lines, "I thought I would literally die right there."

"Did he stop?" Harriet asked. "Some men get so caught up...I know a bomb could fall next to our bed and Bud wouldn't even notice." She gave a small laugh.

Mac laughed in agreement before continuing with her explanation. "Well, I didn't say anything at first" admitted Mac. "It'd been weeks since we'd been together like that, and I really wanted it to happen, I wanted him to have that experience because it means so much to him, to us. I did my best to talk myself through the pain, but when it got worse, I knew I had to make him stop somehow. At first, he went at it even stronger, thinking that's what I was trying to tell him I wanted."

"That must have been terrible," Harriet tried to sympathize. "What did he do when you told him?"

"I had to ask him to stop twice before it sunk in" said Mac, "but as soon as he realized what I was saying, he stopped completely and asked me what was wrong, asked if he'd hurt me. I couldn't even answer him, Harriet. I was in more pain than I ever was with  
either of my deliveries, and you know those were no cake walk."

"Sarah, I know...I have no idea what you're going through, but if there's anything I can do..."Harriet was at a loss at how to help her friend.

"Thanks" replied Mac, "that means a lot. For the most part, I'm doing alright now, I guess. That night was pure hell, no other way to put it, but fortunately I don't remember too much after Harm went to check on Lucy. She called for us a few minutes after we'd  
stopped everything, and Harm was trying to get me settled down and comfortable and all. I remember him leaving our room, but after that, it's all a choppy blur."

"The Admiral said when he got there...he said there was blood," Harriet whispered. "That must have been pretty scary."

"The little I can remember of it" said Mac, "yeah, it was scary. Apparently I got up from the bed and made it into our bathroom, and after Harm got Lucy back down, he found me in there, blood all over the place." She looked down at the floor as she spoke; feeling terrible for what Harm had gone through. "So, he laid me down on the floor, tried to stop the bleeding, to no avail of course, and called AJ and the ambulance."

"I could only imagine if Bud had seen something like that. He can barely handle labor pains never mind something like that," Harriet sighed. "How did he handle it?"

"Like a Navy Commander is trained to handle things like that" answered Mac, "he focused on what had to be done at the time and did it perfectly, but once the  
physical worst of it was over, he didn't hold up so well."

"He's something else," Harriet sighed. "How bad was the fall out? I remember DJ when he got sick. Bud found him in the bathroom. Poor Harm was so sick."

"He's even worse this time" said Mac, setting her lukewarm cup of tea on the table. "I'm really worried about him, Harriet. I know this weekend was horrible for him and I've managed to get out of him that he feels fully responsible for the whole situation, for the pain, the bleeding, the miscarriage, but I -"

"The miscarriage, but I though with your condition that you couldn't" Harriet interjected.

Mac gave a little shrug, a look of sadness on her face. "Supposedly, we couldn't. Obviously, we could and we did, but it didn't last. The doctors at the hospital said that's what much of the pain and bleeding was, I was miscarrying. There's no way to know, of course, if our togetherness that night had anything to do with it, but Harm is completely  
convinced that it did and he's taken on full responsibility for it."

"He's such an honorable man," Harriet sighed. "But I sense something more from you. Are you just trying to be strong for Harm or are you really all right?"

"Some of both, I suppose" said Mac. "I know I've got a lot of healing yet to do and so does he, but...something's just not right with him and I can't put my finger on it."

"Just since this weekend?" Harriet asked. "Bud said something about having to talk to Harm last Friday. Maybe he confided in Bud," Harriet suggested.

"Maybe he did" agreed Mac. "It's been going on, whatever it is, since way before this weekend. Best I can recall, he hasn't been totally 'with it' since his last TAD."

"Mexico?" Harriet asked to refresh her memory. "Yeah, I noticed the day he got home he was really clingy. I mean usually he's attached but that was..."

"Yeah, that's what I mean" said Mac, "something happened in Mexico, he saw something, went someplace, whatever, that really threw him for a loop but he won't talk about it. I wish he would, I wish I knew what was wrong and how to help him, you know?"

"Just be there for him, Mac," Harriet advised. "He'll break one of these days."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

"Does he have nightmares?" Harriet asked. "Bud had terrible nightmares after his leg."

"Oh yes" answered Mac. "He'll wake up in a cold sweat, crying to me how he's 'so sorry' when he's done nothing to be sorry about. Every time that happens, I hold him close and tell him it was only a nightmare, that we're fine and so on, like he does with Lucy,  
and eventually he calms down and usually goes back to sleep, but I just can't make heads or tails of it because he won't tell me anything about the nightmares."

Harriet was quiet for a minute, recalling how disillusioned Bud had been with Harm after their drinks on Friday night. She didn't want to suggest anything that would upset Mac, especially since she was still recovering. "Could this have something to do with Meg?"

Mac looked her friend square in the eye as a wave of fear swept over her. "I...I hadn't really thought about that" she said. "You don't think he...they...?"

"No," Harriet jumped quickly. "I'm just saying maybe since he's feeling so down about what's going on with your health that he's bringing up old guilt. You guys really dealt with that issue."

"From one end to the other!" agreed Mac, thinking back on how difficult that ordeal had been for them. "I guess you could be right, though, about him bringing up guilty feelings that he's still hiding in there somewhere. I thought he was past it, I mean if I can get past it, I'd hope that he could as well, but maybe not."

Harriet never got to respond to Mac's statement before Harm came upstairs with a crying DJ in his arms.

Mac turned her head towards the sound of her baby's cry and immediately moved to go to him and take him from his father. "What happened?" she asked Harm reaching for the child. He refused to give him over.

"No, you sit before you try to hold him," Harm instructed. "You said it yourself this morning, you're still not well."

Mac rolled her eyes slightly, but obliged and sat down taking her crying child. "It's okay, Sweetie. Mommy's here," Mac assured the boy. "I've got you."

To Harm she asked, "What brought this on?"

"He was playing on the floor with Jimmy and bumped his head on the table," Harm told her. "There's no bump, but he wanted his Mommy."

"You wanted Mommy?" Mac asked the boy kissing the side of his head.

"Mommy," he sniffed and buried his head against her chest, chubby arms going around her neck.

"It's okay, little sailor," Mac comforted. "It's okay."

"We should probably get them home, Mac" said Harm, "it's past his naptime, probably part of why he's so fussy."

"Yes, I think you're right," Mac agreed. "Thank you very much Harriet for all your help. Our talk really helped set things straight for me."

"Any time, Sarah," Harriet said hugging her friend. "You know that."

Harriet moved to hug Harm, "You take good care of her, Harm. Don't worry, it'll work out fine."

Bud arrived then with Lucy and the rest of the Robert's tribe. Harriet went upstairs to collect the children's things.

When all were gathered in the living room again, Harm instructed, "Say thank you to Aunt Harriet and Uncle Bud."

"Thank you," Lucy said with confidence but DJ stayed glued to Harm's shoulder, peaking out at his Mommy.

"It was our pleasure," Bud replied. "Take care of yourselves and call us about tomorrow."

Harm nodded, he knew what Bud meant. Tomorrow was their appointment with Dr. Bradley, the outcome of which could determine the future of the family Rabb in more ways than one.

**1903 ZULU**

**Rabb Residence**

**Manassas, VA**

By the time the family made it home from Bud and Harriet's, Harm had a raging headache and could barely keep his eyes opened.

"I hate to do this" he said to Mac after he got Lucy settled in front of the television with a video and a snack, and put his cranky toddler down for a nap, "but I'm going to have to sack out for a couple hours. You think you'll be OK with her?"

"Sure, you okay?" she asked concerned immediately. Harm never napped.

He ran his hands over his face, fingers rubbing his heavy eyes. "I'm fine; I'm just feeling the effect of being awake for over 48 straight hours is all. A couple aspirin and a little nap, I'll be good to go."

"Okay," she nodded. "Go and sleep. You need me, I'll be here."

He leaned down and kissed her on the lips before trudging wearily down the hallway to their bedroom. He began to close the door, but thought be best leave it open in case DJ cried or Mac needed help with anything. Without much conscious thought, he went  
into the bathroom, grabbed the aspirin bottle, opened it and popped 3 tablets into his mouth. Washing them down with a little water, he set the glass back down on the countertop and turned to make his exit. That's when he noticed what was left of their big mirror, the one he'd shattered in his fit of panicked rage the morning before. Most of the glass was long since gone, only a few sharp pieces remained on the wall above the sink. With a shake of his head and a deep breath, he continued out the door.

Mac watched TV with Lucy, went to DJ when he awoke from his nap and made frozen pizza for dinner. Harm slept in their bedroom the entire evening and into the night. When Mac came to bed a little after ten, he was still sound asleep.

She leaned over him a pressed a kiss on his forehead, "Sweet dreams, Sailor," she whispered and snuggled up next to him. Harm's dreams as the night progressed we anything but sweet. He was reliving it again, reliving his indiscretion with Annie. Only this time, as he lay in bed with her, he could hear Mac in the hotel bathroom, calling for him. He waited until he finished with Annie before he went to see about her. The sight  
turned his stomach. She was lying on the floor, stark white and unconscious. Yet, she was also standing over her body, the ghostly image crying, "How could you do that to me? You're supposed to love me."

He couldn't stifle the scream.

Harm's scream and rapid motion as he bolted upright woke Mac from her sleep. She knew immediately it was happening again when she opened her eyes to see her husband sitting up, breathing hard and shaking in a cold sweat. "Harm?" she asked gently sitting up and opening her arms. "I'm here, Babe. I'm here. Come on."

He immediately moved himself into her embrace, his only hope of possibly calming himself down anytime soon. "In...out...in...out" he thought to himself as  
he focused on each breath. He could feel the sweat running down his face, it was a terrible feeling. Worse, though, was the feeling behind the nightmare, the feeling he couldn't let Mac catch on to, not now or ever.

"What happened? Another nightmare?" she asked. "Want to tell me about it?" She placed a kiss on his damp forehead.

His body still trembling, his breath still rapid, he replied with a little nod. He knew he had to tell her something, he just wasn't going to tell her everything, not by a long shot.

"It was awful, Mac" he began, "you were lying there, you looked so sick...I was there, and I couldn't..." Try as he did, he just wasn't capable of forming a complete sentence.

"I'm sorry..." he said again, as he did every time this horror hit him in the night. "I'm so sorry...I love you so much..."

"Harm," Mac said in a normal tone, not in the sweet croonlike tone she usually used. "You have to stop this, ok? You have to stop. I'm fine and this is not your fault. Please, you can't handle anymore of this, I can't handle anymore of this," she told him.

If only it were that simple. He put his arms around her and brought her close, holding her tight as he tried to figure out what he could say to that. She was right, it did have to stop, that much he knew for sure. He also knew if it continued much longer, she'd drag him, kicking and screaming, to Commander McCool's office and then he'd really be in for it because there'd be no way he could keep his issues hidden from a shrink for more than a session, maybe two.

Finally, he knew it had to stop because sooner or later, Mac would figure it out. He wasn't sure how, but he was sure she would. Maybe it'd be an expression on his face one day, perhaps an unconscious cringe when Annie's name was mentioned in the future. Mac was sharp, she didn't miss much, if anything, when it came to her family, and while in most cases that was something he loved, this time, he wished it wasn't so.

"I know I do" he said, "I want to stop, too. It's just...hard."

"I know it's hard," she sympathized. "But so is flying an F-14 and you can do that without batting an eye. And it's more than just this weekend. I know you're holding something back. I also know you aren't telling me because you're afraid, of what I don't  
know."

"Oh shit, it's happening already" he thought to himself. Once Mac was on to anything being other than it should be, she couldn't let up until she got to the bottom of it.

"No" he said, hating himself even more for lying to the woman he loved, "it's just everything from the weekend, babe. That and I'm thinking about the appointment with Dr. Bradley in the morning, kind of worried about it I guess."

"That's bull, Harm and we both know it. However, I'm too tired to argue this with you," she told him removing her arms from around him. "Try and go back to bed."

"Great, now she's mad" nagged the little voice in the back of his mind, the one he often wanted to take out behind a barn and beat into oblivion. He started to say something, but knew they were both too tired to go any further into it. With a sigh, he rolled over and  
tried to go back to sleep, tried to will away the thoughts of what that nightmare had shown him.

**1531ZULU**

**Georgetown Medical Arts Building**

**Washington D.C.**

"This might be a bit uncomfortable, Sarah" said Dr. Bradley as he prepared to examine her.

"OK" she said, reaching out to take hold of Harm's hand as he stood beside her. She wasn't sure how uncomfortable it may be, but she knew she wanted her husband as close as possible in case she needed a strong hand to squeeze.

"Ow, ow" she said softly as the doctor put the instruments into place.

"Try to relax" said the nurse assisting Dr. Bradley. "It'll hurt less if you're not tense."

"This is as relaxed as it gets" replied Mac, a bit unnerved that the nurse felt it necessary to point out the obvious.

Harm squeezed her hand tightly, "Its okay, Honey," he whispered in effort to comfort her. "Breathe deeply."

I'm going use these to swab away some of the blood, Sarah" said the doctor, holding up a couple extra-long cotton swabs. Her bleeding had slowed a lot since Friday night, but hadn't ceased and the doctor couldn't get a good look inside her without cleaning  
it out.

Mac took another deep breath, inadvertently pushing herself away from the doctor as he moved the cotton swabs against an extremely sore spot inside her body.

"Sarah, I need you to lay still for me, please" instructed the doctor. "I know it hurts, I'm being as gentle as I can."

Harm nodded a silent reply then focused on his wife's face and noted two silent tears leaking out of her eyes. He kissed the hand he held. "Can't you be gentler?" he asked the doctor. "You're hurting her."

"I'm doing the best I can" answered Dr. Bradley, "but she's sustained a fair amount of bruising in this area, which combined with the bleeding and all the exams of the last few days is making it hurt her more than usual."

He kissed her hand again, "I'm sorry Baby. I should have stopped," he whispered leaning down so the doctor couldn't hear him.

Mac looked up at him and nodded as she blinked away a tear. She knew he didn't mean to hurt her.

"You didn't mean it," she replied. "Just squeeze my hand."

Harm did as she asked as the doctor finished cleaning out the blood so he could get a better look inside.

"You're going to feel my fingers in just a moment" said Dr. Bradley, giving Mac a fair heads-up that he was preparing to touch her.

"OK" she said, looking straight up at the white tile ceiling, bracing for what she feared would be an extremely painful internal exam.

"You squeeze away, Baby," he told her. "I'm right here. Just think in a few minutes this will be over and we can go home." He squeezed her hand tightly, wanting her to hear his voice, wanting her to know that he was still there, holding her hand, and was not going to leave her side, no matter what.

Mac nodded, her gaze remaining unmoved from the tiles above the table. She felt her heart begin to race as the first sensation of the doctor's hands registered with her body.

"I can do this..." she told herself, not that she had a choice.

Harm's strong voice echoed her feeble thoughts, "You can do this, Mac."

"Good job, Sarah" said the doctor as he slowly rotated his fingers about inside her body. "Again, I'll be as gentle as I can, but I need to check some things and they may hurt some."

Mac didn't acknowledge the doctor this time, choosing instead to make eye contact with Harm. She was scared, and though she tried to hide it, the look in her eyes gave her away.

"You're going to be okay," he assured her. "You'll see. I love you."

Harm knew in his gut that it would be far from ok, but the fear in his wife's eyes forced him to say anything he could to comfort her.

"I love you, too" she whispered, knowing that he shared the same doubts as she over whether this would actually turn out OK in the end, but loving him all the more for trying to be so reassuring amidst her uncertainty.

Then it happened, the moment she prayed wouldn't come, though every fiber of her being knew it would. The doctor pressed his hands against her uterus, and she felt the kind of pain she felt that ill-fated night with Harm, only this time there was no talking herself into keeping still or quiet. "Oh God, Harm!" she screamed, gripping his hand as tightly as she possibly could. "Oh, ow, ow, OW!"

"Take a deep breath, Sarah," he told her. Then to the doctor, "Do you have to do that?"

"Yes," the doctor replied. "I have to check her uterus, I'm sorry it hurts. I'm going as fast as I can."

Harm leaned over and kissed Mac's forehead, "It'll be over soon, Baby. I'm here, I'm right here."

"I'm almost done, Sarah" said the doctor, "Just a little longer."

"God, it HURTS!" she screamed, sobs wracking her body as she tried to lie still. Every move of the doctor's hands was another experience in agony, each one more painful than the one before. She felt helpless against the pain, as she often did where her endometriosis was concerned. The horrible things it did to her body and to her spirit were, at times, unimaginable.

Harm held onto her hand as tightly as he could, "Sarah lay still. If you're still it won't hurt as badly."

"YES it will!" she insisted, unconsciously moving away from the doctor, sobbing hysterically, knowing that lying still really wouldn't make it hurt any less. "Oh my GOD!"

"Sweetie, um," he didn't know what to say. "Let's talk about something else. Let's talk about where you want to go on vacation this year. Any ideas?" If he couldn't ease her physical pain at least he could try to distract her from it.

She heard him, but vacation plans were the furthest thing from her mind at that moment. She let go of his hand, using both of hers to unintentionally move herself towards the head of the table and away from the doctor...away from the torture.

"Oh, God, stop!" she cried, "PLEASE stop!"

"Sarah, stop moving," the doctor ordered. "You're going to hurt yourself! Nurse, hold her arms," he instructed.

"You will not touch her!" Harm barked at the nurse. "And you will be more sympathetic. Listen to her!"

"Commander, she has to remain still," he doctor told him.

"Then I'll help her," he told the doctor and moved to clasp both Mac's hands. "Sarah, you have to slide down and let the doctor finish. Please," he kissed each hand. "Please." Then to the doctor, "How much longer?"

"Not much, I still have to check her ovaries," he told him. "I'll be as quick as I can."

"Only another minute or so" answered Dr. Bradley. "Hang in there, Sarah. I'm going as fast as I can."

"Deep breaths, Baby," Harm coached. "Deep breaths."

"I can't..." she sobbed, terrified and shaking her head at her husband as he begged her to slide back down to the end of the table. The last time he doctor had examined her ovaries was tantamount to hell, and she couldn't bear the thought of that kind of pain. "I can't...it hurts, oh God it HURTS!"

"Mac, you have to," Harm told her and released her hands and reached instead for her shoulders. Using his strength he managed to subdue her and force her body down so the doctor could complete the exam. Still, the more he moved her the more she fought and cried. Finally, there was nothing more to be done than for Harm to lean over Mac, his upper body on hers, his bulk precluding any further movement.

"There," he whispered. "You just keep breathing. It's almost over."

"Nooo..." she cried, shaking her head in defeat. "Make him stop..." she begged, looking into Harm's eyes, her own filled with pain and tears. "Make it stop...make it stop..."

"I can't, Baby," he told her softly. "I wish I could, I wish I could. Just a little longer, and I promise it'll be over."

"I'm going to move up now, Sarah. Then it'll be over," the doctor told her. "Commander, keep her still." Harm simply nodded.

Exhausted and hurting, all Mac could do was cry. She knew there was more pain coming in mere seconds and she wanted to back away again, but with Harm's upper body against hers, she knew she couldn't.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed Mac when the doctor resumed the exam none-too-gently. He was a bit frustrated with her by then, and although it was quite unprofessional of him, he allowed it to show through.

"Breathe, Sarah," Harm encouraged. "Look at me, and breathe. Remember when you had DJ how badly it hurt? You looked into my eyes and we breathed together. Come on, let's do just take a deep breath," he coaxed. "It'll be over soon." He called over his shoulder, "Right, Doctor?"

"I just need to check her left ovary and I'm finished," he told him. "Two more minutes."Harm leaned over her and so she could see his eyes, reading her thoughts. "Look at me, Sarah. Look into my eyes and breathe."

With no fight left in her, she did as he asked, her body shaking with each labored breath.

"All done" said the doctor, after what felt like an eternity to Mac. "Don't sit up just yet, though" he instructed her, "that was rough on you; I want you to lay here for just a bit."

"Rough on me?" spat Mac as she lay crying on the table. "That was pure HELL!"

"Dr. Bradley, she's had internal's before that have been uncomfortable but this...she's a marine she never gives in it must have been horrible. Why was it so horrible?" Harm asked, having lifted off Mac's chest and stood holding her hand and stroking her sweat soaked forehead.

"You mean besides the fact that she was squirming and completely uncooperative..." He didn't get to finish his thought

"HEY!" interrupted Harm, his booming voice echoing in the tiny room, his finger pointing at the doctor for emphasis. "Do NOT blame this on her! Don't you have any compassion? Couldn't you tell how much pain she was in? My God, she just had a miscarriage, she's been examined down there a half dozen times since then, and this really hurt her!"

The doctor relented a bit at Harm's protective husband mode, it was extremely frightening and he did not wish to be on the receiving end of it. "I apologize," the doctor sighed. Dr. Bradley picked up Mac's chart, made a few notations in it and sighed. "The medical reason for her pain...her condition has advanced. And based on the exam alone, I'm nearly 100 sure Sarah did indeed suffer a miscarriage. That's what caused the bleeding. I wish I had better news."

Mac squeezed Harm's hand a little tighter. They both already knew what had happened, but hearing it medically confirmed just made it a little bit worse.

"So, what comes now?" asked Harm, still on the defensive but backing down just a touch. "More medication, more radiation, another laparoscopy?"

"We could," Dr. Bradley replied. "But that's not my recommendation at this point."

"What is you recommendation?" Harm pressed.

"Complete hysterectomy," was the answer.


	8. Chapter 8

**See Chapter One for Disclaimers and Notes**

**1610 ZULU**

**GeorgetownMedicalArtsBuilding**

The doctor left shortly after that so that Harm could help Mac get up and dressed. The word hysterectomy hung in the air between them. Neither had reacted until they were alone.

Harm helped her sit up on the table once the pain from the exam had mostly subsided. She tried to speak, but all that came were sobs.

"I can't believe this..." she cried. "I just can't..."

Harm put his arm around her and pulled her close. "Ssh," he soothed. "Let's get out of here and talk about it when we get home."

Even in her fragile state, she knew he was right. This was not the place to have a discussion about such a major decision.

Wiping her tears away, she reached out for her clothes, determined to get them on and get out of that office posthaste. She needed a good cry in the arms of her husband, and the sooner they got home, the sooner she could have it.

It didn't take Mac long to get her clothing on and with Harm hovering, his arm wrapped around her, they exited the examination room.

"Let's just make our next appointment and we can go," Harm told her. They approached the reception desk and stood behind a brunette who was making her next appointment.

"Okay, Ma'am," the woman said. "You have your appointment for November 3. We'll see you then," the receptionist told her and handed her a card.

"Thank you," the woman replied and moved away from the desk. It was then that Harm saw her face. Annie. "Oh God," he thought. "I don't need this now. Maybe she won't..."

"Harm, Mac," she greeted sweetly. "How are you doing?"

"We're both fine, Annie," Harm replied. "And yourself?"

"Can't complain...getting my check up, you know?" Annie smiled. "Sarah, you and Harm together...does that mean we'll be welcoming another little Rabb into the world?"

Mac was in no condition for that kind of query. Without saying a word, she put her closed hand towards her face to mask the sobs as she made a beeline for the door.

"Annie, how could you ask that?" Harm snapped. "You know what I told you in Mexico. Sarah's illness won't allow for children! Excuse me; I have to go to my wife. Good day."

Harm rushed out into the waiting room looking for Sarah, but she was gone. Forgetting all about the appointment, he took to the stairs calling her name. She didn't answer. Finally, when he reached the outside, he saw her, seated on the hood of their car, arms wrapped around herself.

"Come on, Sarah," he urged. "Let's get you home."

"I hate her, Harm!" she angrily replied. "I hate her!"

"Why?" he asked, brows knitting, fear crushing his chest.

"Where do I start?" she cried. "Today, of all days, we had to run into her here and she had to ask if we were having another baby! Not that there's ever a good time to ask me that anymore, but today was far worse than normal and lo and behold, she just had to ask!"

"I know, love," said Harm, wrapping his arms around her. "I'm sorry. I know that wasn't what you needed to hear today."

"It's not just that, either," she spat. "I swear that woman is still hung up on you and I don't like that at all!"

He cringed, hoping the color wasn't draining from his face as he helped his wife down off the hood of the car and into the front seat. "I don't think she's at all 'hung up' on me, Sarah," he said, all the while hating himself for knowing otherwise. "She's just an old friend."

"Yeah, an old "girl" friend!" said Mac. "Whom by the way I never did like!"

"Honey, let's just drop this," he told her. "We have a bigger issue to discuss."

"Not until we get home, we don't," said Mac, reaching into her purse for a tissue. "I need to try and calm down some before we tackle that."

Harm remained silent and turned on the radio to the Jazz station. He needed to regroup as well and the hour drive home would give both of them the time they needed.

**1740 ZULU**

**Rabb Residence**

**ManassasVA**

An hour and ten minutes later, they were sitting on their sofa, facing each other, still silent. Harm took a deep breath and began, "I say we do it."

"Okay," said Mac shakily. "Why?"

"It's safer for you. You won't have anymore pain, I won't go insane worrying about you, and..." He reached out to touch her. "Our lives can go back to normal."

"Okay." she said, the defenses already going up. "First off, there's no 'we' as far as doing this or not doing this goes. Its my body we're talking about here, not yours!"

"I thought we were one unit," Harm sighed. "What's yours is mine and vice versa. I'm your husband, I'm the one who has to...I just think you should consider it, that's all." He tried to be as gentle as he could.

"It's so simple to you, isn't it?" she asked, far more harshly than she wished she had, yet she found herself unable to stop. "Just get rid of the parts that cause the problem and then life will be great and wonderful again, is that it? Let me tell you something, that's not it, not by a long shot! Do you even realize what this operation would involve?"

"Yeah, they go in and remove your...well female parts and you go on hormones for awhile until everything gets rebalanced," Harm replied.

Mac was determined to get herself back under control. This was a very important decision and as such required a level-headed conversation between the two of them.

She took a deep breath before she spoke again. "Yes, in its simplest form, you're right, that's what it involves, but you're not giving any thought to the deeper issues that are a part of this decision as well, Harm."

"Maybe because I don't see any," he replied. "Sarah, all I see is you happy, living a life free of pain...I know how you feel, but..."

"Oh, I beg to differ," she replied. "There's no way you could know how I feel. All you know is how things look from your side."

"Sarah," he sighed. "I'll grant you I'm looking at this from a different vantage point that you are, but I have to say that in this case I'm more objective. You need to look at the big picture. This does not only affect you, it affects all of us." He took a breath and continued, "And if this surgery will give me my wife back and our children their mother back, what's the harm?"

She knew he had a point, a really good point, but the hurt involved with having the operation was making it impossible for her to fully realize that.

"That all makes sense, Harm," she said. "But I wish you could see it from this side of the fence. In fact, here, try this for me - try to put yourself in my place. Put yourself through all that I've been through with this, and see if you can't maybe begin to understand why I can't be like you and just say 'Yeah, let's go for it' without really thinking."

"Explain it to me then, Mac," Harm said patiently. "Help me see it from your side."

She took a deep breath. "From my side, this disease has been... it's been a nightmare. Always wondering how bad the next cycle will be, always hoping I'll be functional enough to do the things I have to do every day, and hoping I don't have to spend too many hours curled up in a ball hiding from the world because of the pain I'm in. From that vantage point alone, the choice is easy: have the surgery and be done with it. The part that's complicating things for me is..."

"What? You can tell me anything," he encouraged when he sensed her hesitation.

She felt the tears brewing as she continued to speak. "I don't want to wake up after the surgery and be faced with the reality that we can never have another baby, Harm. I want another one so much and even with everything this weekend and what Dr. Bradley said today, I just can't make myself let go of that dream!"

"You have to, Sarah," he replied softly. "You have to, because, and call me selfish, I cannot physically or emotionally handle another night like that. The risks are too great Sarah."

"See, that's where our feelings go in opposite directions," she replied through falling tears. "I don't want another night like that either, and I certainly don't want to put you through that again, but even that's not enough to convince me that a hysterectomy is the best option or the only option. Miracles do happen, Harm, and that's what I've been clinging to through this. If I have the operation, then our chance for that miracle baby is gone and I just don't want..."

"Sarah, this is...this is not about what you want," he told her softly but firmly. "This is about what's best for our family."

"No" she agreed, "because if I had what I want, we wouldn't be faced with this at all! I wouldn't feel like a huge part of my heart is being pulled apart, and I wouldn't feel like my husband is the one pulling the hardest!"

"I'm not trying to hurt you," Harm sighed starting to walk around the room. "I'm trying to get you to see the big picture. You're just..." he stopped himself.

"Just what?" she asked, reaching for another tissue.

"Nothing," he sighed. "Forget it." He was closing up, hardening and she knew it. She just didn't care.

"No, tell me" she said, feeling her own emotional walls begin to go up. "I'm just what? I need to know what you're thinking and feeling, now tell me."

"I can't...You're being very selfish about this Sarah," he managed and braced for the fall out. "I am trying to understand how you feel, I wish I could, but I can't grasp the logic or the reason in hopelessly clinging to the idea of a baby we're never going to have. You can't get pregnant by osmosis!"

"I knew that was why you're so in favor of the surgery!" she replied angrily. "You really think our sex life is a good enough reason to ask me to toss my dreams aside? Dreams of giving you another baby that you want so badly?"

"I don't want another child!" he told her. "I don't want one, not at your expense. Excuse me for loving you that much!"

"Loving me? You have no idea what I'm going through here, Harm! None!" she shouted the last word losing her grip on her temper.

"I don't? Maybe not in the physical sense Mac, but...God, every time I see you in bed in a tight tiny ball, my heart hurts. Every time I see you look a family of five or six, my gut twists, and every time I think about you lying on the floor with your life's blood running out of you because of this god damned disease," he stopped for a moment and turned his back to her feeling the emotion of the moment sting at his eyes. "So don't you dare tell me that I don't know!" He spun around to face her, pain turning to anger. "You don't know what it's like to watch the person you love most in this world suffer like that, so cut the sanctimonious crap, Sarah. This is not your private pity party!"

"You self-righteous bastard!" She advanced on him until they were standing nose to nose. "How dare you tell me how to handle this or what to feel or anything about it for that matter? Watching it and feeling it are two different things, and you don't have a clue what it feels like to have this disease, to have it creep into every goddamn area of your life! You don't know and you never will!"

He relents a bit, "All right, maybe they aren't the same, but yours is not the only life affected here, Sarah. Jesus, I can't even go to bed with my wife...I have to..."

"Yes, Harm, by all means, remind me that when we make love and it works, it's amazing, but when it doesn't all hell breaks loose! Remind me that because of me, your sex life now revolves around your own imagination! Please, point those things out to me again, I forgot all about them, right along with my own needs, which apparently aren't supposed to matter since I'm so wrapped up in my precious little pity party!" She backed away from him walking around their living room as she angrily shot down his comments.

"Damn it, Mac," his cursed. "Can't you listen? Has this disease somehow incapacitated your ears as well as your uterus? I'm not trying to put myself ahead of you, I'm just trying to level the field, because since you've gotten sick, you haven't really given a damn about how it's affecting me or Lucy or DJ!"

"Lucy and DJ are fine!" she spat.

"Are they?" he snapped. "DJ maybe he's too little to understand what's going on, but your daughter is upset and worried about you. She has nightmares about you getting sick and leaving her, Mac! It's very hard for her to see you sick, Mac, and it is affecting her. You just can't see that!"

She reached for the tissue box, grabbing another as the tears began to fall in waves. She hadn't realized how much her disease was affecting her daughter, but this exchange was far too hated to allow for maternal guilt just then.

"Stop trying to make me feel guilty, Harm!" she yelled. "I do the best I can to keep the kids from seeing me sick, that's all I can do! We both know this isn't about the kids anyway, it's about you and what you want!" She heard the words coming out of her own mouth and cringed inside at the ice-cold tone they possessed.

"If you believe that, Sarah," he said, pain and hurt showing in his eyes. "Then we've wasted a lot of time."

"I don't want to believe that, damn it, but I do!" she cried. "Don't you think I feel like an incredible failure as a wife? Don't you think I hate not having what we used to have? I miss it just as much as you do, Harm, but the fact that you're asking me to totally give up the chance that we can get past this and have another child together just breaks my heart to pieces! You just don't under..."

"Stop it!" he shouted at her and stood directly in front of her. "Just stop it! Listen to yourself. You know the facts, you're a smart woman, but you're obsessed." He took a breath and tried to lower his voice. "I'm going on record. If you decided not to have this surgery...Sarah, please don't put me in that position."

"And just what position would that be?" she shouted back.

"Don't put me in the position of having to...I don't even know what I'm saying you got me so crazy!" he snapped. "This conversation is over. I'm the head of this family and I have to think about what's best for everyone. You're having the operation." He tried the husband card. Sometimes it worked.

But not this time. "How dare you stand there and act like this is your decision!" she yelled. "You tell me that I'm being selfish in not wanting the operation, you are being just as selfish!"

"Sarah, I want you to have this operation for you. I don't want to watch you lie in that bed all curled up in a tiny ball shaking and crying out in pain. I don't want my daughter to sit in the car with and look at me with that little pout all teary eyed because her Mommy is sick, and I sure as hell don't want to go through the next thirty years or so without being able to touch my wife. So if that makes me selfish, so be it."

Mac got up from the couch and began to pace in front of the living room window, hoping maybe a little movement would clear her thoughts. The conversation was getting completely out of control, showing no signs of letting up, and someone was going to get hurt. Really hurt.

"Here we go with the guilt again!" she cried. "I feel horrible that Lucy gets so upset when I'm sick, and I sure as hell don't enjoy spending hours on end every 4 weeks stuck in bed, doped up on pain killers, but that's just the lot life has cast us, Harm! I am hearing you and as mad as I am, I can't argue that your concerns aren't valid, but damn it if you would just stop and think about where I'm coming from here, you'd see how sick it makes me to think about what this operation would mean to me as a woman! I hate that in order to regain my life, I have to sacrifice something that makes my life what it is!"

Harm took a deep steadying breath and stopped his pacing. Yelling wasn't getting him anywhere and Mac's words were scalding him.

"Then what am I? What do I make your life?" he asked softly.

His tone, the look in his eyes, the hurt on his face was chipping away at her broken heart. Swallowing hard, she answered him.

"God, Harm, you're everything to me, and you know that! You're using my feelings about this stupid operation as a measure of my love for you, and that's a low blow, damn low! Why can't you step back and look at this differently? You say I can't be objective - what makes you objective? You're just as set in your convictions as I am in mine, and you're trying to twist this into some sick measure of my love for you, or better still my lack of love for you, and that's just not even close to the real issue here!"

"Then what is. I just heard you tell me that your uterus is more important that your family!" He barked. "Those weren't your words, but that's what you meant. I know you too well. You in your sick mind somehow think I'll see you as less of a woman without it! That's irrational Mac!" he told her, his hands shaking with anger.

"I'll feel like less of a woman without it!" she yelled, red-faced and crying. "There, I said it, are you happy now? I'll feel like less of a woman without it because the moment I give it up, I have to give up that tiny little shred of hope that we'll be the one couple in a million who beat this thing!"

"What's is wrong with you? Do you hear yourself?" he shouted the question as if she was incapable of hearing them in a lower volume. "You are measuring your own self worth based on an organ, an organ that is not capable of doing what you want it do. You are willing to risk your life, this family's happiness, our marriage...It doesn't make sense!" he shouted in frustration.

"No, it doesn't make sense!" she shouted back at him. "It doesn't...make...sense..." She dropped to her knees on the living room floor, crying harder than she had in ages.

Harm watched, jaw clenched as Mac collapsed in tears. She put up a great fight for a painfully long time, but it proved too much. He knew he should have stopped long ago, but Mac goaded his temper and he'd made things worse. Sighing he dropped beside her and took her in his arms. "Ssh, Baby," Harm comforted. "Don't get upset."

She was sobbing so hard she thought for sure she was going to throw up. "God, Harm," she sobbed. "I don't know what to do... I don't know..."

Dropping a kiss on her head he replied, "You're going to listen to me. First, stand up; let's go over to the sofa. Then you're going to try and calm down, because this is not good. Okay?"

"I can't calm down!" she answered, crying as hard as before. "My husband just told me that he doesn't think I love him or our children, that I'm sick for wanting to have another baby - how can I calm down?"

She sat in his embrace, looking into his eyes as she spoke. She was hurt and she wanted him to know it, to see it in her eyes, upon her face. He was right, this wasn't good, but she needed to let off some steam if she wanted to be able to calm down.

"I didn't mean it like that, Sarah," Harm said voice full of remorse. "I know you love me and the kids, I...I just don't think you are considering us in your decision, and maybe I was a little hasty in deciding, I'm just so scared, Honey," he confessed.

"I know you are," she said, still crying but beginning to slow down just a bit. "I just...I...I never told you how much it hurt me the night I told you I wanted to try for another baby and without even thinking about it for a split second, you refused. You made that decision for us, without asking me anything and without thinking that it just might be really important to me." She continued to cry, this time the tears were clearly coming out of hurt moreso than anger.

"Sarah, I'm sorry we didn't talk, but...Dr. Bradley said that even if you get pregnant, you'd be risking your life to carry the baby to term," Harm reminded her. "I love you and I don't want to lose you or be left alone with two or three children to raise."

"But doctor's can be wrong," she said, wiping her nose with a wadded-up tissue. "I know it'd be a high-risk endeavor, and I've tried time and time again to talk myself out of wanting it," she paused to take a few deep breaths. "But it hasn't worked. God, Harm, I want it again. I want to feel everything I felt with Lucy and DJ. I want to see the look on your face when you get to feel the baby move inside of me. I want to see the tears in your eyes when you hold our child for the first time. I want it again..." she cried. "I want it..."

"I know you do," Harm replied trying to pull her closer to him. "I want it too, but...after Friday night, how can we, responsibly consider trying again. Even if I were to agreed to risk the pregnancy, what about the conception?" Harm asked her. "You nearly died, don't you get that?"

The more they talked, the more she calmed down, which she knew was for the best. "I get that," she replied with a sniffle. "I do, but what happened Friday night was because of the miscarriage, which happened because neither of us had any clue I was pregnant. If we agreed to try and we were focused on it like we used to be, that wouldn't happen again."

"We don't know that it won't," he told her. "The doctor said today the endometriosis is still a factor. If it wasn't very severe, he wouldn't want to do the operation," Harm pointed out.

"I know it's severe," she replied. "I was the one on the table today, believe me, I know. I also know that only a few weeks ago, after being told it was impossible, we created another baby together. Maybe it was a doomed pregnancy from the start, maybe our night together had something to do with it, maybe it was the endometriosis, we'll never know. What I do know, though, is that it's still possible for us to conceive, and something in my heart is telling me that under the right circumstances, we can make it happen."

Harm sighed and looked at Mac. He knew she was right, they would never know, not for certain. He looked at her eyes, red and swollen from crying, her nose raw from wiping it with an old tissue. At that moment, he could deny her nothing. "All right, but with conditions."

"Okay," she said, the excitement and optimism in her words very evident. "What are the conditions?"

"We wait until the doctor says it is absolutely safe," he began. "Also, we explore other remedies for the pain and inflammation, including radiation and another surgery to remove the worst of the lesions. Does this work for you so far?" He asked wanting to make sure they were back on the same wave length before he stated the last of conditions.

Mac nodded, trying to hide her excitement, all the while knowing he could sense it without even trying to. "Yeah, go on."

"Last thing, and this is the most important. The second, the second that trying again hurts you physically in anyway, we stop and you reconsider the hysterectomy," he outlined. "That's it. Those are my terms.

Her heart skipped a couple beats as his words registered in her heart and mind. "Okay," she said earnestly. "That's fair. I can't argue with any of it, well, I could, but I won't because there's no reason to."

She looked him in the eye as an all-out smile crept across her face. "Thank you, Harm," she said. "You have no idea what this means to me."

He raised his hand to touch the tears that were now drying on her cheeks. Running the pad of his thumb over her soft skin he whispered, "Yeah I do, but I have to ask you something, Mac."

She simply nodded, knowing if she tried to speak, she'd dissolve into tears again.

"You know that I didn't say anything to intentionally hurt you, don't you?" he kissed the tip of her nose. "I only want you safe, I don't want to cause you anymore pain than I all ready have."

Remaining silent, she pulled him close and laid her head upon his shoulder. Swallowing hard to choke back the tears, she tried to answer. "I know," she whispered. "None of what I said...was meant to hurt you, either. I was horrible to you, though...and I'm so sorry."

Harm raised one hand to her head and started to stroke her hair. His other arm tightened around her back, "You were justified, I said so many thing that I regret saying," he told her. "But it was in your best interest. Believe that?"

She nodded, her head lifting up a bit to see his face. "I do. I know that was your only motive, I only said it wasn't because I was scared and hurt and you were the first available target for my attack. I'm so sorry I said those things. The only parts of any of it that I meant were the parts about missing what we used to have together and desperately wanting to try for another baby." She ran her hand over his cheek, the smile returning to her face followed by a few happy tears. "We're going to try for another baby...we're really going to try..."

Before Harm had a chance to answer her soft query, their phone rang. "I better get that, it might be Bud."

"Sure," she said, sliding out of his arms so he could stand up.

"Rabb," Harm said into the phone.

"Harm," the female voice came over the phone line. "It's Annie. Are you alone?" she asked when he didn't reply right away.

"No," he replied simply.

"We need to meet, Harm," Annie told him.

"No," he replied again, his tone even.

"Harm, that's not a request. We need to meet, it's very important," she told him. "It won't take long."

He sighed, disgusted. "Alright," he said. "When?"

"Tonight, seven thirty. The D.C. Plaza in the bar," she told him flatly. "Leave the Mrs. at home."

"I don't think so," he responded curtly. "We'll both be there, that's not up for debate." He didn't feel he could leave Mac alone given the day she'd had.

"Do you love your wife Harm?" Annie asked. She knew that Mac didn't know about their "roll in the hay" and she knew she was upset at the doctors. What Annie had to say would probably destroy the poor thing. Annie didn't like Sarah Mackenzie, but given Harm's feelings toward her now, she did pity her.

"You know I do," he answered, lowering his voice a little, hoping Mac wouldn't hear but knowing she would. "That's why I say again, we'll both be there, period."

"I don't want to hurt her Harm, that's why I want you to come alone," she tried to reason. "She...after what I saw today she won't be able to handle what I have to say."

Harm took a few seconds to think. "Fine, I'll be there, see you then."

"What's the matter, Honey?" Mac asked when Harm slammed the phone down. "Was that Bud? Are the children all right?"

"No - well yes, they're fine I guess" he said. "But that wasn't Bud. It was nothing, don't worry about it."

"I heard you say 'I'll be there'. Where is there?" Mac pressed.

He knew this was coming. "I have to go meet with a former client," he said. "Later tonight at a restaurant in downtown DC. I won't be gone too long, though."

"Well, okay. Should I come with you?" she asked. "You seem a bit on edge about it."

"No," he answered quickly, too quickly really. "No, you need to stay here and rest. Today's been awfully hard for you and you're still not fully recovered from the weekend."

"All right, and the kids will be back by then anyway," Mac sighed. "Just be careful okay. I have a bad feeling."

He nodded. If Mac had a "bad" feeling, the feeling he had was no less then sheer and simple horror.

"I'm going to call Bud and tell him he can bring the munchkins back now," he told her. "You go and lie down, put your feet up."

"Okay, honey" she said. "I'll rest up a bit before they get here."

"You feeling all right?" he asked. "I expected a fight out of you."

"I'm fine," she said. "Just feeling the effects of the last few days I guess. Don't worry about me though, if there's anything I think we need to be concerned about, I'll speak up, I promise."

"Good," he nodded. "I'll call Bud. You call me if you need anything."

Bud and Harriet dropped the children off an hour later, and Harm whipped up some macaroni and sauce with a salad. They family ate together and talked, laughing when DJ found out the reason why one should not mix milk and tomato sauce. The disgusted look on his little face was priceless.

"See," said Mac as she reached for her son's sippy cup. "That's why we don't play with our food, baby."

"Yucky!" he blurted out.

Harm chuckled, "I bet it is. Do you want some juice?" he asked the toddler.

"Juice!" DJ replied, happy to be having his needs serviced.

At six thirty, Mac stood doing the dishes, while Harm wiped down the table. "Babe, what do you want to do for next week?" Mac asked.

"What's next week?" he asked, mentally running through everything he could remember, but finding his only thoughts were of his meeting in one hour.

"Funny, Harm," Mac rolled her eyes. "Very funny. Seriously, I need to know if we need a sitter overnight or what because I don't want to blindside anyone."

"Sitter overnight...?" he thought to himself, then it clicked, it was their anniversary. "Yeah, I'm such a clown, aren't I, babe?" he asked as he leaned in for a kiss, hoping she'd miss the fact that he was off in another world a moment ago. "Sure, let's get an overnight sitter, then we can enjoy ourselves without watching the clock."

"Okay, I'll ask the Admiral this time. We've been imposing on Bud and Harriet too much lately," Mac said. "What about dinner at Constantine's and dancing?" she suggested.

"That sounds wonderful," said Harm. "All of it."

"Good," she replied and dried her hand. "Oh Harm, its 1838, you better go!"

Glancing at the clock on the wall as a gut reaction, he knew she was right. "Yeah, I better," he said. "But I won't be gone long and I'll have my phone if you need to get a hold of me, okay?"

"Okay," she agreed. "I'll be fine, though I promise. I love you."

"I love you too," he said, kissing her on the lips as he grabbed his jacket and his keys and headed out the door.

**0040 ZULU**

**D.C. Plaza Hotel**

**WashingtonD.C.**

When Harm arrived at the DC Plaza he was about ten minutes late. The whole drive over he felt his heart pounding in his chest. What could Annie want that was so important? If she was going to use Mexico to get him to commit to some sort of on going triangle, he would tell her what she could do with that idea. If she threatened to tell Sarah, well, he'd have to do it first.

He walked to the lounge in the back of the upscale hotel and sure enough, Annie, in a short blue dress was sipping what appeared to be a Screwdriver.

Annie saw Harm approaching and slipped off the stool, going over to him, "Hello, Harm. I'm glad you could make it."

"Yeah, you can save the idle chit-chat, Annie," he replied. "Just tell me what you needed to see me for and I'll be on my way."

"Let's sit down. Would you like to have a drink?" she offered. "I'll buy."

"Yeah, she'd love that, wouldn't she?" he thought to himself as he sat down on the stool next to hers. "No, I don't want a drink, I want to know what was so all-fired important that you made me drive clear out here tonight."

"I think a drink would be a good idea, Harm," Annie pressed.

"Fine," he conceded. "I'll have a beer."

The bar tender got Harm a draft beer and went to serve the other customers. "I think we should sit at a table. This is a delicate matter."

He let out an agitated sigh. This was already taking longer than he hoped and they hadn't even discussed the reason for their meeting. "Then let's go find a table, sit down and get whatever this is over with so I can go home. I don't like leaving Sarah alone with the kids for too long right now."

"Come on, Harm. She's got endometriosis, not cancer," Annie sighed exasperated at how Harm coddled and babies his bride. "That one, in the corner."

"For your information, Annie," he said as they walked towards the isolated table, "Today was a really bad day for her and she's very tired and I don't like her being alone, if it's any of your business!"

"Oh it is, Harm," Annie said. "Especially after what happened between us last August."

"I knew it!" he said, "I knew you were going to keep that situation tucked away until you felt like waving it over my head! Well, guess what, whatever your little plan here is, Annie, you can forget it, it won't work!"

"It's not a plan, Harm," Annie told him as she took a deep breath. "It's a baby. I'm pregnant."

He sat in complete silence, her revelation hitting him like a locomotive driving head-long into a concrete wall.

"Pregnant?" he asked. "PREGNANT?"

"Yes, pregnant," she replied. "I'm about seven weeks along. That means the baby was made while I was in Mexico. That means, this baby is yours."

He leaned against the back of his chair with a thud, his hands running absent-mindedly through his hair. Of all the things he feared about this meeting, this was a fear that didn't even make the list. What could he say? How could he even formulate a sentence after being nailed with a bombshell like this?

"Wait just a minute," he said, pointing an angry finger at Annie. "It can't be mine, we were 'careful', remember?"

"No, Harm," Annie shook her head. "We weren't careful. Not at all."

"Like hell we weren't!" he spat, trying to keep his fury down to a dull roar. "I know I was drunk, but I wasn't that drunk, damn it!"

"Harm, admit it. Okay, stop with the I was drunk excuse. You wanted me, plain and simple. Now you just have to figure out a way to tell Sarah," Annie said angrily.

"Tell Sarah?" he replied, his face turning redder by the second. "I'm not telling her a damn thing without a whole lot more proof that this is real not just your word, Annie! My God, do you know what this would do to her? And if you think I 'wanted you' that night," he added. "You're more delusional than I ever realized! YOU were the driving force behind everything in Mexico, Annie, everything!"

"I have more important things to worry about what this will do to Sarah," Annie spat. "I have our baby to worry about. I thought since...I thought maybe you'd want it," she started to choke up.

Harm felt another locomotive ram against that wall. What if she was telling the truth? What if this was his baby? Of course he'd want to do the right thing, but...Mac. There was no way, just no way.

Another thought occurred to him, suddenly things didn't seem so bad. "Just what makes you so sure this baby is mine?" he asked, demanding an answer. "You've got a husband, how do you know it's not his?"

Annie let a few tears fall from her eyes, "He hasn't touched me. He doesn't sleep with me. It was such a big mistake. I just wanted someone..." she sniffed. "I thought you loved me once Harm? Did you ever love me at all?"

"Oh, please," he said, rolling his eyes. "This is not about you, Annie! Yes, I loved you at one time, long ago and under completely different circumstances and you know that! I'm still...there's just flat out no way I'm accepting this at face value, not from you, not from anyone! Hell, how do I even know you're really pregnant and not just trying to trap me into being a part of your life by letting me fall prey to some sick charade?"

Annie felt her hands start to shake and reached for a sip of her drink, "I'm not like that Harm. I know I shouldn't have let you...in Mexico. But, Harm, I'm not capable of that. You know that, Luke was your best friend; he'd never marry someone capable of that. I don't want to hurt you but I want the baby to know its Daddy." She put the drink down.

"You just leave Luke out of this" ordered Harm. "He'd roll over in his grave if he knew what we did, and what the hell are you doing drinking? Give me that!" He grabbed her drink and slid it to his side of the table. "Assuming that you are pregnant, which I still don't believe, you should know better than to drink this stuff."

"It's orange juice," she replied. "Plain orange juice."

Shaking his head, he slid it back towards her. "Okay, let's assume, for the sake of argument only, that you are pregnant and the baby is mine."

"I'm definitely pregnant, Harm," Annie told him. "I have the prenatal vitamins in my purse to prove it." She reached into her bag and showed him the prescription bottle. "That's why I was at Dr. Bradley's office today."

He sank back into his chair again. "You said you were there for a check-up."

"I was. I'd skipped a period so I thought I might be...and when the home test was positive I went in for a check up," Annie explained. "What would you rather I announced my condition in front of Mac?"

"Yeah," he sarcastically snapped. "That would have gone real well with what you asked her about why she and I were there together!"

"Stranger things have happened," Annie said. "I do hope you two have another child. I just want this one," she touched her stomach. "To know its father. To know you."

"That is yet to be proven, Annie!" barked Harm. "So you've shown me a pill bottle and fed me a few lines about how your husband hasn't touched you and the baby has to be mine, but I'm a lawyer for Christ's sake, you've got to do a whole lot better than that if you want me to accept this...disaster!"

"Okay," Annie sighed. "We'll do a paternity test, after the baby is born."

"Oh, you better believe we will!" he retorted. "But what are you expecting me to do in the meantime? I know you won't just stay quiet and leave me alone for the next 7 months, that would be far too much to hope for."

"I'll be able to handle most of it, but if I need help, I'd like you to be there," Annie said. "I...Peter found out about us and he's left me. I just want to know I can call if I really need help."

What could he say to that? If he refused, he risked her getting angry and telling Mac everything. If he agreed, he'd spend the next 7 months living a double life, waiting for the juggling act to come crashing to the ground. Of course, if the baby was ultimately proven to be his, he'd have to live up to his responsibilities and do what he knew was right. He felt that locomotive make another run, this time into his heart.

"Damn it..." he mumbled. "Exactly what kind of 'help' are you envisioning you'd ever need from me?"

"Not much at first, but if I need someone to drive me to the doctor's or a Lamaze coach," she ventured. "That's where you come in. And God forbid I get put on bedrest..." She rolled her eyes.

"Forget it!" he said, so loudly the heads of those around them turned and looked. "There's no way," he said. "No way in hell I'll be your Lamaze coach, and if you need a ride to an appointment you can take a cab, and if you end up on bedrest you can just deal with it! You're not pinning this on me Annie, not without indisputable proof and right now you don't have that!"

"It is the truth Harm whether or not you accept it or believe it," Annie said. "And I will prove it to you, I all ready said that I would, but...Harm, this baby...I want him or her to know you, I...you of all people know what its like not to have a Daddy."

"Yeah, I do," he replied angrily. "And this baby has a Daddy, but right now I simply refuse to believe that it's me! Call me cold-hearted, call me cynical, call me whatever the hell you want to," he said, waving his hands in the air to help make a point. "I just don't buy it, Annie! I don't! I can't!"

"So that's it," Annie sighed. "I didn't want to have to do this Harm, but my child has to come first." She reached into her bag and pulled out her phone. "Let's see what Sarah has to say about you shirking your parental responsibilities."

He jumped out of his chair, sending it slamming into the wall behind himself as he grabbed the phone from her hand. "Don't you even think about talking to my wife! Do you hear me? Don't you DARE!"

"I have no choice," Annie replied. "If you are going to be cold and unreasonable, and decide not take responsibility for your baby, I'll have to tell her. She has the right to know that one of these days you might up and desert her and your other children," Annie said. "I'm not surprised you're doing this. Every other guy did, you shouldn't be any different." Annie started to cry again, and set her cell phone down. "No," she sighed. "I can't do that to her or you. It wouldn't make me any better than you are."

"Listen to this shit!" he hissed. "I can't believe you're doing this, making me out to be the bad guy here, Annie! You think you can just drop this news in my lap and I'm supposed to believe it without question and, apparently, agree to whatever crazy conditions you throw at me or else you'll tell my wife, my sick wife, what happened - well, your version of what happened anyway because it damn sure isn't my version!"

"I'm not going to tell, Sarah," she studied her lap. "She doesn't deserve that. She shouldn't be punished for what you've done. All I'm asking for is a little assurance that I can rely on you like I always could before." She said it in a way that made her seem tiny, vulnerable. "I wouldn't tell you this if I really didn't believe you were the father."

"Whoa, wait a second" he said, his eyes wide with every emotion known to man. "If you didn't believe I was the father - so that means there's a chance I'm not, doesn't it?"

"No," she shook her head and continued to let her tears fall.

"Don't lie to me, Annie," Harm replied, his voice conveying his anger. "I'm a lawyer, remember, I interrogate people for a living and I'm trained to read between the lines and right now they're just screaming that you're not being totally honest with me!"

"I am being honest with you!" she blurted out. "That's why I'm so desperate, Harm! I was honest with Peter and he left me and Josh and now I'm pregnant with your baby, and that's the only good thing that's going to come out of this horrible mess. Please, just let me know you'll be there for me and for your son or daughter. I may not deserve it, but the baby does and I think the baby deserved the benefit of the doubt."

He rubbed his hands over his face, hoping maybe he could shake himself out of the living nightmare he was stuck in. It didn't work.

With a deep sigh, he spoke. "Okay, you win," he said. "You win. We can't prove anything right now with regards to paternity, and you're right, the baby shouldn't be the one to suffer for our mistake."

"Thank you," Annie said wiping her eyes. "You'll see, in seven months that I am telling the truth. I'm sorry I was so what would Sarah say, um, neurotic before."

"Yeah, you really were neurotic," agreed Harm. "But we're not finished here."

"Oh?" Annie queried. "Shouldn't you be getting back to Sarah? It's after nine."

"I'm well aware of the time," he said, looking her straight in the eye. "But neither of us is leaving this table until we agree, in no uncertain terms, to the way things are going to work."

"Well, how's this? I'll send you updates every month and unless its an emergency I won't ask you for anything. Though I'd like you to be present for the sonograms and maybe some of the appointments," she said hopefully.

"Oh, I don't think so!" he snapped. "You think I'd accompany you to anything at the OB's office my wife uses? Are you crazy? Count me out of any and all appointments, I won't go that far, period. I'll agree to e-mail updates, once a month, and no other contact whatsoever unless it's a life or death emergency. Then and only then, you can call my cell phone, do not call my house under any circumstances. Understood?"

"I'll agree to switch OBs, and you agree to both sonograms," Annie pressed. "The rest is fine."

Harm hesitated for a moment. "You switch to an OB who's not affiliated with Dr. Bradley at all, who's on the far opposite end of town from his office, and if you agree to everything else, I'll agree to the sonograms only, no other appointments."

"Fine," Annie nodded. "I'll use Dr. Cassidy in Baltimore near where I live. You come to two sonograms and I'll e-mail you once per month and only call your cell phone if there's an emergency. Those are agreeable terms." She held out her hand, "Do we have a deal, Commander?"

He started to reach for her hand, but stopped short. "Almost" he said. "We forgot one thing."

"Which is?"

"Are you expecting me to be there for the delivery, considering we won't even know until afterwards if the baby is mine? I know it's a ways off, but we're setting this all straight here and now."

"I would like it, but I won't put it in the list of demands," Annie said. "I think it would be best, we can determine paternity minutes after birth."

"Well, don't expect me to be there," he said. "I have no intention of letting Sarah know about any of this, so it'd be a little difficult for me to be there for the delivery. I want to know when you go into labor, though, that's something you can call my cell phone for when the time comes. As soon as possible, I want that test run and I want to see the results for myself, either way."

"All right," Annie agreed. "I'll accept that for now and hope you change your mind." She rose from the table and extended her hand again. "Do we have a deal now?"

Slowly, apprehensively, he shook her hand. "Just because I'm agreeing to these things here tonight doesn't mean that I'm taking everything about this at face value, you better remember that."

Harm took his time driving home from D.C. He had a lot to think about and needed to clear his mind before he got back to Mac and the kids. If he was tense she'd sense it right away. It was after eleven o'clock when he pulled into the drive.

**0419 ZULU**

**Rabb Residence**

**ManassasVA  
**  
He put his key in the lock and opened the door. The TV was on but instead of seeing Mac on the sofa he saw Lucy.

"Hi, Daddy," she greeted.

"Hi, Button," he said softly. "Were you a good girl for mommy?"

"Yes," she replied and turned back to the show. "You're late. It's 23:19."

"Just like her mother," he thought to himself. "I know, sweetie, I'm sorry. Daddy's meeting took longer than he thought it would. Where's mommy?"

"I think she's in your room. She had to put DJ in the bed cause he wouldn't go. Then she said that her back had a booboo and went and took down the orange bottle. Then she lied down and that's it. It was 2204 or 05," Lucy told him.

"Okay," he said. "It's way past your bedtime, so why don't you go brush your teeth and get Pooh bear and I'll come tuck you in after I check on Mommy and DJ."

"I all ready brushed my teeth," Lucy told him. "Mommy made me."

He smiled. "Good girl, go ahead and get in bed with Pooh bear and I'll be in in just a few minutes."

"Okay," Lucy slipped off the sofa and turned off the TV and scampered off to bed with enthusiasm only a five year old could show to the effort.

Harm kicked his shoes off and walked down the hallway towards the master bedroom. He stopped when he got to the open door and looked in on his wife and son. DJ had taken his half of the bed right out of the middle, leaving Mac only a couple of feet on the left side. Both were sound asleep, but it was clear the youngster was sleeping far more comfortably than his mother. She was hurting, even in her sleep, and that cut Harm straight to the core.

Walking in quietly, Harm went around to his side of the bed so he could reach DJ without leaning over Mac. DJ was one of those kids who, if awakened early, took hours to get back to sleep. Harm slid his hands underneath the boy and lifted him up slowly, hoping he'd remain asleep, for everyone's sake. The child stirred just a little as Harm drew him close, but he didn't wake up. He walked slowly and carefully, looking around for anything he may trip over between their room and DJ's.

"Success," whispered Harm to himself as he laid the soundly sleeping boy lightly into his toddler bed. "Sleep well, little sailor," he said, kissing his own fingers and placing them upon the tot's forehead. "I love you." From there, he headed to Lucy's room.

"You sleepy, Button?" he asked her as he sat upon the edge of her bed, pulling her quilt up a little higher.

"Yeah," she replied quietly. "It's 23:37."

"I know, Lucy Bear," said Harm. "I'm sorry I got home so late, but I'm very happy that you were a good girl for Mommy."

"She's sick again, isn't she, Daddy?"

Harm knew better than to try and put anything over on his daughter, she was too much like Mac.

"Yeah, Luce," he answered. "She's sick, but don't be scared, she's going to be just fine, okay?"

"Okay," replied the weary little girl. "I don't like it when she's sick, it makes me sad."

"I know," said Harm. "It makes me sad, too. Remember what we talked about though, about how you can help Mommy when she's sick by being a good girl and helping Daddy take care of DJ?"

Lucy nodded. "I tried to get DJ to go to his bed tonight, but he wouldn't go."

"It's Okay, sweetie," said Harm, brushing her hair away from her forehead. "It was very nice of you to try and help like that, I know that made Mommy very proud of you, just like I'm proud of you."

"Can I please go to sleep now?" she asked through a big yawn, "I'm really sleepy."

"Of course, Button," said Harm, leaning down to kiss his little girl. "Sweet dreams, I love you."

"Love you," she mumbled, already drifting into dreamland. Harm stood up and turned her lamp off before heading back to the master bedroom.

Harm sat down on the edge of the bed to remove his socks and pants, trying not to shift too much so he wouldn't disturb Mac's rest.

"Hey sailor," she said wearily as she noticed the bed was moving just a little. "Did you just get back?"

"I've been back for a little bit," he replied. "I had to chase Lucy to bed and evict our son from my space."

"Yeah," she said, rolling over carefully to avoid moving her back the wrong way. "He wanted nothing to do with his own bed earlier and I wasn't up to fighting him over it, so we just came in here."

"Did you know that Lucy was watching Rugrats until 2300?" he asked.

Mac sighed. "No, but it doesn't surprise me. I didn't intend to fall asleep back here, I was only planning to lay with DJ until he zonked, then I was going to put pillows all around him and leave him until you got back and could get him into the his own bed. Was Lucy upset that I left her out there by herself for so long?"

"She wasn't but I was," Harm replied. "You should have called me Mac."

"Why? I was fine," she said. "Really. I was obviously more tired than I realized, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. Besides, you were an hour away and I didn't think you'd be gone this long, so by the time I could have called you, you would've been on the way home anyway, or so I thought. What took so long, anyway?"

"It was a uh...it's not a big deal, it just took us a bit longer to get to the point than I thought," he sighed. "And I was in a pretty bad mood when I left so I took the long way home, which I wouldn't have done if you had called me and told me you were having pain."

"I wasn't having pain," she said. "I'm fine. I just wondered why you were gone so long is all."

"Let's see," he stood up and walked over to her. "You have your knees pulled up, your hand is on your stomach, and there's a bottle of oxycotin beside the bed. Care to change your plea, Colonel?" he asked. Then leaned over to kiss her, "I'm sorry I took so long."

Mac groaned. He'd found her out, seen right through her hollow attempt to fool him. "It's okay, honest. I was hurting a bit earlier from battling with DJ, but once I lay down and took a pill, it got a lot better. I'm glad you're here now, though."

"What can I do?" he asked her stroking her cheek. She was so beautiful, so vulnerable, but he liked that. She was the strong Marine so often; it was nice that she let him take care of her sometimes.

"Mmm..." she said. "You can get into bed and let me lay with my back against your chest, that usually helps take the edge off."

"You want me to massage it for you or just hold you?" he asked. Her answer would tell him to what degree she was in pain.

"Just hold me, sweetie," she answered. "Just being in that position will help a lot."

"Okay," he replied and moved to his side of the bed after deciding Mac was telling the truth. He removed his shirt leaving his undershirt and boxers on as he climbed into bed. He slipped his arms around her and let her bolster her back against his chest. With one hand he stroked her hair. "You are so beautiful. How did I get so lucky? A gorgeous wife, two beautiful children..."

"Mmmm...They are beautiful, aren't they?" asked Mac as she relaxed every muscle in her body and leaned against her husband. "I hope our efforts to have another one will pay off. I really feel in my heart that they will. What about you?"

"It's not the conception so much, I mean there are other means," Harm replied. "It's..." He stopped and hugged her tighter inhaling the scent of her hair.

She sighed in his arms, feeling safer there than anyplace else.

"It's the pregnancy," she said, knowing what his biggest fear was. "I know that scares you, I'd be lying if I said it didn't scare me a little, but I'm not too scared to give it a try, and the fact that you're willing to agree to trying again just...God Harm, it..." He felt her begin to cry happily.

"Mac?" Harm was not sure if those were happy tears, but he had a feeling they were. Still he began to rock her while he awaited confirmation. "Are those happy tears, Honey?"

"Yes," she said. "Very happy. I'm asking you to take a huge leap of faith, and you're doing it even though your heart isn't so sure."

"I love you Sarah, and if I have to work extra hard or hire nurses for you whatever...I'll do it as long as you are happy and as long as I...as long as you stay with me," he kissed her hair again. "If I lost you, if you ever left me, I wouldn't be able to go on."

"Harm, I'd never leave you!" she exclaimed. "Why would you ever worry about that? You're my soul mate, you're my whole life, I'd never leave you, never."

"If something happened to you, if I did something to cause it, you might and...God, Sarah...I pray I'm wrong, but I...I just love you so much." He squeezed even harder.

"I love you, too Harm," she said. "More than I've loved another man in my entire life. Where is this...sudden fear of losing me coming from? Are you feeling okay?"

Mac didn't realize that Harm had a double meaning. He was not only fearing her death at the hands of a bad pregnancy, but fearing her finding out about Annie. He couldn't help but stiffen as he thought of the night's events and how he was letting thoughts of loss over shadow these precious moments with his wife.

He shook his head, "No, I'm not. I have this pain," he put a hand over his heart. "Right here and it won't go away."

"Oh, Sweetie," she replied, rolling over carefully to face him, seeing the pain in his eyes. "You're really afraid of losing, me, aren't you? I mean, this isn't just a passing comment, this is really tearing you apart, isn't it?" She placed her hand over his atop his heart, intertwining her fingers with his.

"Oh, Sarah," he sighed. "I have nightmares about you bleeding to death in a cold sterile bathroom. Sometimes there's a baby with you, sometimes not, but I'm never with you. You're calling me, begging me and, I'm in bed in the next room but...I'm with another woman and I can't get up to get to you until it's too late. Then I see you in that bloody white robe, looking down at your body, looking at me and asking me how I could do that to you. I can't stop those dreams and this trying talk is making it...I think about it and I can't breathe." His breathing is getting shallower as he outlines his fear and in a round about way, confesses his sin.

"Don't you see, sweetheart," she asked as she continued to look him in the eye. "This is all coming from the other night, from the trauma your mind went through? That's all it is, and I think once you can accept that and work past it, the nightmares will stop."

Harm only wished that were the truth. A huge part of him wanted to confess to her and beg her forgiveness and absolution for failing her, but more of him was consumed with fear that she just might not be so forgiving this time.

"We'll get past it," she said. "I know we will. Once we start trying to conceive again, that'll provide you with a different place to focus your energies and thoughts, and I bet you'll find the nightmares will stop. I mean, think about it sweetie, how totally absorbed must your heart and mind be in what happened Friday night for you to see it happening again in your dreams while you're sleeping with another woman? You've got to let this go, it's getting out of control."

"I know I have to," he sighed and squeezed her hand. "But...remember after I had to go to the Henry on that investigation and I was trying to get home to you and the kids, cause I think Lucy had a really bad flu. I flew through that storm and had to punch out? Do you remember that?" Harm asked, all ready knowing the answer but wanting to prove a point.

"I do," she resigned.

"Well, remember after they pulled me out of the water and I got back on my feet, do you remember how long, how many nights sleep we both lost to your screams at the memory of seeing me like that?" he asked.

"Too many," she replied. "That's why I'm saying that we need to work at it and somehow get past this before we end up there again, before we have dozens more nights like then and like now."

"I just need some more time, and I was not comforted in the least by what Dr. Bradley said today," he told her lifting her hand to his lips. "And then, after we get home, we should have been helping each other, and instead we were ripping each other to shreds."

"Yeah, we were," agreed Mac. "But in the end I think it turned out okay. I think even though we both said a lot of things we didn't mean, we also said some things that we did mean, that had been on our hearts for awhile and we'd just been afraid to say them."

"I don't think I meant anything that I said, at least none of the bad things," he replied. "Why? What did you mean?"

Harm felt his defenses kick in not sure what she meant by "some things they did mean." Had he done or said something that she felt was insensitive? Was he acting selfishly? He wanted to know, he wanted to fix it, or at least fix the things he'd done that she knew about.

"Never mind," he told her, reaching with his free hand to trace the dark circles under her eyes. "You're so tired. Let's forget about everything for now and try to sleep. We've got to meet our new CO in the morning."

Mac nodded and yawned. "You think you'll be able to sleep now? You feel any better?"

"I think that it may be awhile before I can sleep without seeing you on that floor, Sarah," he replied truthfully. "But still I'd like to try as long as you promise we can hold each other all night long."

"Of course we can," she answered, laying with her back nestled close to his chest once more. "I never want it any other way."

Mac settled down next to Harm her back to his chest, his long arm draped over her waist. He kept his other arm underneath her head and kept his lips on the back of her neck, occasionally kissing her soft skin, until he fell asleep.  
--------


	9. Chapter 9

**See Chapter One for Notes and Disclaimers**

**0005 ZULU**

**Constantine's Restaurant**

**Georgetown**

One week later

The Admiral had been glad to take the children for the evening so it was with the knowledge that their children would have an evening of structured, safe fun and plenty of ice cream that Harm and Mac entered the upscale dining room Constantine's Restaurant in Georgetown.

She was dressed in a floor length black dress with a small train on the back. The front hugged the curves of her chest perfectly, and the halter strap showed off her smooth shoulders. The back of the gown was opened, something Harm, in his best dress whites enjoyed immensely for it allowed him to caress her skin to skin without either being embarrassed.

"Reservation for Rabb," Harm told the maitre D.

The man checked the book, "Ah, yes, Commander and Mrs. Harmon Rabb. Right this way please," he smiled and led them to the table Harm had asked for. It was in the back, secluded but still allowed them to view the dance floor and the band.

"Harm, this is too much," Mac gasped looking at the sheer elegance of her surroundings. "I wasn't really serious when I said I wanted to come here, I thought once you were actually paying attention to what I was saying you'd go ballistic and back out. This is way too expensive."

With everything they'd been through in recent days, he wanted to make the night special. Of course a part of him, a bigger part than he wished to admit, was acting out of guilt; however he refused to allow the guilt to seep into their magical night if he could at all help it.

"You are..." She squeezed his hand. "So sweet, the...I'm so lucky to have married you. To think we almost didn't realize what we had," she sighed thinking of the two years wasted before they'd realized they were in love.

"Still you didn't have to go all out like this," she told him. "Not that I don't appreciate it, but you know it's not necessary."

"I know it's not," he answered. "But I'm the lucky one here and I wanted to show you how much you mean to me tonight, that's all." He leaned across the table and their lips met sweetly as the waiter approached.

"Excuse me," the waiter spoke. "Can I offer you a drink from the bar? We have a lovely collection of aged Italian wines, and if you are celebrating we have the finest champagne in Washington."

"Two sodas with a twist, please" replied Harm, looking into the lovely brown eyes of his bride.

"Are you certain I cannot sell you on the champagne?" the waiter offered. If he sold the champagne, he got a cut of the deal.

"Quite certain, yes," said Harm. "But those sodas would be terrific."

"Yes, Sir," the waiter replied and went to get their drink orders.

"Harm, you could have had something," Mac told him. "I'm so far past that stage."

"I know you are, Sweetheart," he said. "But it wouldn't be fair to celebrate our anniversary like that. I'd much rather have what you're having tonight."

"Who are you and what have you done with my husband?" Mac asked. Harm was being extremely romantic, even for him.

He laughed a little. "You mean I haven't always been like this? Talk about a shock!" His blue eyes danced as he waited for her reaction.

"Considering we spent our fifth anniversary stuck in an elevator in Macy's because you forgot and tried to con your way out of it by saying you wanted me to pick out my own gift, yeah, this is a little bit overboard for you Flyboy," Mac laughed remembering the day the year previous.

"I'm never going to live that one down, am I, Baby?" he asked, shaking his head at his scatterbrained management of that particular anniversary.

"No, nor will you live down our fourth, which you were in Parris Island for and didn't call. Or our third, which I believe you had tickets to the Georgetown game with Bud and Sturgis. You will also have difficulty living down our second, which you didn't forget, but decided that an appropriate gift would be a dirty 8 by ten photograph of the two of us in a very embarrassing position," she bit her lip to keep from laughing. "Oh, and let's not forget our first when you took the traditional gift suggestion just a tad too literally, so riddle me this Sailor, what's so special about good old number six?"

"Number six," he said. "Will make up for all of them." He knew he owed her for anniversaries past, she knew that, too. It was what she didn't know, though, that he felt he owed her for most of all.

"Here we are, Sir," said the waiter as he set the drinks down in front of them. "May I take your entree orders, or do you need a few moments to peruse the menu?"

"I think we're ready," Harm replied. "Go on Honey, sky's the limit."

"I would like the Lobster fra Diavalo," said Mac. "With a house salad, dressing on the side, please." She loved seafood, lobster being her absolute favorite. Since she almost never got the opportunity to indulge in it, she decided to go for it despite it being the most expensive entree on the menu.

"Excellent choice, Ma'am" said the waiter. "For you, Sir?"

"I'll have a bowl of your finest soup," he said. "With crackers on the side." He looked at Mac, smiling the whole time he spoke, knowing she'd see right through his half-witted attempt at humor.

"You're terrible, you know that?" she asked with a laugh. "My dinner's not that expensive, Harm!"

"I know, Baby," he said. "I know, I'm just having fun with you." Turning his attention towards the waiter, "I'll have the Eggplant Parmigiana and a house salad, please."

"Dressing on the side with that salad, Sir?" the waiter asked.

"Please," replied Harm, who'd already returned his focus to his wife. "God, I love this woman..." he thought to himself.

"Very well," said the waiter as he closed his notepad, "I'll get this right out to you. Is there anything else I can offer you at this time?"

"No, I think we're good for now, thank you," said Harm, looking away from his wife only for a moment as the waiter walked away.

"This is a really nice place," she said again. "I'm not sure I've ever been anywhere as fancy as this for dinner."

"As I said before," replied Harm. "Only the best for you, Sarah." The moment was interrupted by the discreet ringing of Harm's cell phone.

Reaching underneath his jacket, he pulled the phone from his belt, flipped it open and looked quizzically at the Caller ID window before answering.

"Rabb," he said. Mac looked intently at him, waiting for some indication of the caller's identity.

"Oh, hi," he said, the confused look remaining on his face. "Really? Oh, wow, when? No, that's not good, wow. Uh-huh, okay, well keep me posted and let me know what the doctor's say. Right, I will. Thanks, mom. I love you too, bye."

"Grams is sick," he said to Mac as soon as the call ended.

"Oh no!" said Mac. "What's wrong with her?"

"Don't know yet," he answered. "That was my mom on the phone. She said they've been in Belleville visiting Grams for a few days now, and this afternoon they had to take her to the ER after she collapsed going down the hallway to her room. She's been admitted for testing, whatever that means."

"I hope she's alright," said Mac, knowing how important Grams was to Harm. "I'm sure your mom will keep us posted?"

Harm nodded, "Yeah, she will. She said they won't know anything before tomorrow afternoon."

"Well," said Mac, sensing how upset Harm was becoming. "You know Grams doesn't want us spending tonight worrying about her, so let's try not to, okay?"

"You're right," he said. "She'd feel awful if she thought she caused us any unhappiness tonight, and I'm not going to let that happen." He stood up from his seat and held his hand out towards Mac. "Care to dance, my love?"

Before she could answer, Harm's phone rang again. She saw the wave of panic cross his face for the two seconds it took him to reach the phone and read the screen, and she knew he was afraid it was his mother again.

He pressed the "answer" key and put the phone to his ear. "Yes, AJ," he said.

Now it was Mac's turn to panic. She almost reached for the phone, but decided against it.

Harm listened intently to what AJ was saying then sighed, "Yeah, he does that sometimes. Let me talk to him."

Mac looked at Harm her eyebrows knitted with worry. "DJ," he told her. "He won't get in the bathtub."

Mac couldn't help but giggle at the thought of their former CO, tough Navy SEAL that he was wrestling with their rambunctious two year old over a bath.

"DJ, this is your father," Harm said in his stern parent voice. "I want you to be a good boy like Mommy and I told you to and get in the tub for Uncle AJ."

Mac sipped her coke, bit her lip, drummed her nails, anything to keep from laughing as Harm listened to his son babble then replied, "Because I said so, that's why." Another pause, "Please be a good boy for Uncle AJ. Make Daddy proud."

That worked, it always did. Mac didn't even know why Harm tried those strong armed tactics with their kids.

"Sorry about that," he apologized to AJ. "He should be all right now. Call us back if either of them act up again, all right. Bye."

"Sorry about that Babe," Harm said as he put the phone back in his jacket pocket. "Now how about that dance?"

"I'd love to dance, Sailor," said Mac, taking his outstretched hand and rising from her seat.

Harm led Mac onto the dance floor and let go of her hand, "You stand right here for a minute and I'll be right back."

"What are you up to?" she asked slanting her eyebrow.

"You'll see, one second," he told her and moved in the direction of the band. He leaned up and whispered something to the band leader.

Harm returned to Mac's side, but instead of leading her the rest of the way onto the floor he stood beside her, hand in her hand and waited.

"What are you waiting for?" she asked.

"You'll see," he replied as the song ended and the band leader began to speak.

"Ladies and gentleman," he said. "On October 16, 1998 then Lieutenant Commander Harmon Rabb, made then Major Sarah Mackenzie his wife. Tomorrow the couple will have been married six years and tonight, Mr. Rabb would like to dedicate this song to his bride."

Mac sighed as she heard the lyrics of their song begin to be sung by the band's lead singer. They had taken a lot of time choosing that song, and in fact had almost settled on another one when Harm had decided to play his new CD for her. When this song had come out of the speakers, they'd both looked at each other and said, "That's it!" both knowing no other song could ever capture the essence of their relationship like this one did. It was Because You Love Me, by Jo Dee Messina.

"How did you know he'd know this song?" Mac asked. "This isn't exactly a country and western type of place."

"I know," Harm smiled as she swayed to the music holding her close. "That's why I called on Tuesday and begged for them to learn this one, and another which you'll get to hear later on."

"You really put a lot of thought into tonight," Mac smiled. "I guess that teaches me that I should let you have a week's notice more often."

She lay her head on his chest, over his heart and listened to the rest of the words.

"I'm glad you're feeling better, Harm," she whispered so softly he barely heard her. "I like having you like this."

"Well, I like being like this," he told her and kissed her hair. "This really does say it all doesn't it. We can make it through anything as long as we're together. I mean, look at what we've made it through so far."

"Yeah, losing your father, my father, Meg and Chris' interference, losing my father, my murder trial, you're return to flying, your crash, DJ's illness..." Harm's lips on hers silenced her reminiscence of the sad events in their lives.

"I was thinking more along the lines of Lucy and DJ's birth, Bud and Harriet's second baby, their twins, that slightly ill fated trip to Cape Cod," he chuckled. "Those are the things to remember, Mac. But you're right, we only made it this far because of our love, without that I haven't the slightest doubt." He kissed her again, softly on the mouth.

It was only the sound of applause that broke them apart.

They smiled and remained hand-in-hand as they walked off the dance floor, thanking a few folks who offered them congratulations along the way.

"Did you like it?" asked Harm, knowing in his heart she did but wishing to hear her say it anyway.

His question went unanswered for what seemed like too long.

"Mac?" he asked, squeezing her hand a little bit. "Did you like the dance, babe?"

He looked at her, wondering why she was ignoring him. He matched his eyes with the path hers were following to a table just off the dance floor, and within seconds realized what was wrong.

There sat a couple who looked to be about the same age as he and Mac. The wife was clearly pregnant, at least 6 or 7 months by his best guess. The sight gave him a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, for so many different reasons.

"Come on, Sarah," he said softly. "Let's go sit down." He knew how scenes like that broke her heart, and he'd learned the only solution was to remove her from them as quickly as he could.

They returned to their table, and as Mac sat down Harm noticed her wipe her eyes. He quickly slid into his seat and reached across the table, taking both her hands in his.

"Look at me, babe," he said.

She did as he asked as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

"You don't have to be sad about this anymore," he said. "I know we just lost our baby a few days ago and that's not nearly enough time to grieve and move past it, but we're going to try again, soon, remember?"

Mac nodded. "Yes, but that doesn't mean this doesn't bother me anymore. There are so many unknowns for us; I guess a part of me is just as afraid as you are that it won't work out the way we want it to."

Mac wiped at her eyes, "I'm sorry, I'm crying like a big baby and ruining this beautiful evening."

"No, no, don't say that," he replied. "You're not ruining anything, you're reacting to something that's been really hard on us, especially hard on you. There's nothing wrong with that, Mac. But please try, just try, when this upsets you to remember that we're going to do what we have to do to give ourselves another chance at being like those folks over there, okay?"

"Okay," she smiled. "And Harm?"

"Yes, beautiful?"

"I did love the dance," she replied with a tiny smile. "I always love dancing. We should do it more often. This was the best anniversary gift you could have given me."

"I think I have something that can top that," he said as he slid out of his seat. "I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?" she asked as he rose from the chair.

"To the car, just for a minute," he answered. "I'll be right back, babe." He bent down and kissed her lips before heading towards the front doors.

True to his word, he returned in almost no time, carrying a beautifully wrapped package.

"Oh, Harm," Mac sighed taking the gift. "You shouldn't have. You've given me so much all ready."

"I haven't given you this yet, though" he said with a smile. "Go ahead, open it."

Gingerly Mac opened the gold ribbons and the blue packaging to reveal a cardboard box with the lid taped shut. Using her butter knife she cut the tape and removed from the box a beautiful jewelry box. The base was pink and the lid had a sculpture of a ballet dancer on the top of it. "This is so beautiful," she gasped. "This can hold most of my jewelry."

"Open the box, Sarah," Harm told her and with gentle fingers she did. Inside the jewel box was a ring, one like Harriet wore that she'd admired. It had harm's birthstone, the opal, then DJ's, the emerald, then Lucy's the sapphire, and finally Mac's the Peridot. "Harm," was all she could manage as she choked up with tears and slipped the ring on her ring hand.

"It fits you perfectly, Sarah" he said. "Just like marriage and motherhood."

"Can we," she began, stopping to take a deep breath. "Can we...add stones in the future?"

"Sure," he replied. "At least four, I asked the jeweler."

Mac leaned over and placed a kiss on her husband's lips, "Thank you. I...I didn't get you anything I thought that with your birthday next week I didn't...I'm sorry."

"Hey, hey," he said. "Don't be. Seeing you enjoy this evening so much is the best gift I could ask for, other than the gift of having you as the love of my life."

The tender moment was interrupted as the waiter brought their salads and Harm had to leave his bride's side to sit down and eat. As they ate they talked about anything and everything that their lives had thrown at them. Sometimes it was hard for Harm to grasp that out of some of his worst pain, came his greatest happiness. He was the luckiest man on earth to have married this woman, and the stupidest one to have betrayed her. Thank God he was starting to move past it, that was their only chance at happiness.

"Ladies and gentleman, once again, we would like to dedicate this next song to Commander and Mrs. Harmon Rabb, Toby Keith's _Woman Behind the Man_. Commander Rabb called us earlier in the week and requested that we learn this one especially for his wife Sarah. But first, he has something he'd like to say to her. Commander?" the band leader's voice tapered off as he looked over to Harm.

"Harm, what are you doing?" Mac asked, unsure what else her husband had planned for the night.

"You'll see," he replied and rose to take a place next to the band leader.

"Before anyone gets up to leave, don't worry, I'm not going to sing," Harm joked. "But I am going to embarrass my beautiful wife over there so bear with me." He turned to Mac and held her gaze, "Sarah, from the day we met I knew deep down that my life was complete. It took me two years of stubbornness, and even some uh, jerkiness, but when you were there for me and risked everything to go with me on what turned out to be a hopeless quest, I knew that no matter what it meant for us, I had to be with you forever. I've made my mistakes, you've made yours, but here we are, at year number six and even with everything we've been through, we are still going strong. "

Mac's eyes were shining with tears as she listened to her husband's words. He was still speaking, "In the darkest hours of my life, you stood there like a ray of sunshine, like the beacon in the lighthouse window, guiding me over the rough seas. I wouldn't be the man I am today without you, Sarah. So if you would please, join me, for this dance?" he stepped off the raised platform and moved to meet her halfway as the strains of the music began.

Taking her in hers he swayed with her, holding her close as she let tears of happiness drip onto the shoulder of his starched white jacket.

"I love you, Harm," Mac whispered as he held her close. "I'm so thankful for…"

"Ssh," he told her. "You don't have to talk. I all ready know."

They finished the dance and were met with more applause as they walked back to their table hand in hand. "Harm, I don't know what to say," Mac began her voice clogged with emotion.

"Don't say anything," he answered. "Just enjoy the rest of tonight. Our night."

The returned to their table to find their meals had arrived. Mac lifted her coke, "To six wonderful years. Happy Anniversary."

He touched his glass to hers. "And many happy returns, my love. Many happy returns."

**0402 ZULU**

**Rabb Residence**

**ManassasVA**

They arrived home late, after eleven, both tired, but both basking in the glow of their love and this spectacular night.

They walked into their bedroom hand in hand and Mac sat down on their bed and began to remove her shoes.

"So," he asked her as he unbuttoned his jacket. "Did I redeem myself for my past anniversary blunders?"

"Very much so, Flyboy," she smiled. "Now all you have to do is keep up the good work. I could use an evening like this every year or so. Just as a reminder," she said as she lifted the hem of her skirt and started to remove her stockings. She preferred stockings to pantyhose, they allowed her more freedom and weren't as hot in the summertime. It was also a plus that Harm found them sexy.

"Great," he chuckled, hanging the jacket over the back of the closet door. "Now I've done it, I've proven I know how to romance you, thus necessitating this kind of lavish celebration every year from now on."

Seeing her smile, he walked over to grant her a kiss. "Don't worry, my love," he said. "Celebrations like we had tonight are the least I can do when it comes to our anniversary."

"What would be the most you could do?" she asked raising an eyebrow.

"I could ask you to marry me all over again," he replied. "The big wedding, the reception, the whole nine yards. Every year could be a fresh start of sorts."

"You never asked me to marry you the first time," Mac teased. "As I recall you said 'I'm going to marry you Sarah,' as we laid together the night after we found out about your father. I feel cheated, Sailor."

"You sure I never asked you?" he queried as he removed his shirt and tie. "What about when I gave you the ring? I know I must have asked you then, right?"

"Harm, I remember every moment like it just happened. When you gave me the ring you said, 'Now everyone will know who you belong to.' You are very possessive," she smiled and rose from the bed reaching to undue the clasp of her dress, but she couldn't quite make her arms bend like that.

"When it comes to the important things in my life" he said, stepping behind her to take care of the tricky clasp for her. "You bet I'm possessive." He kissed her neck softly. "But I'm sorry I never gave you a proper proposal, Mac."

"You could remedy that you know," she told him and turned around to unbutton the top of his shirt.

"Oh, could I?" he replied.

"Yeah," she whispered bringing her mouth close to his so close their breaths were mingling. She backed off suddenly and pouted, "No, I'm not even engaged to you," she said in her best southern belle tone turning her back to him and striking a prim stance.

"Well then," he said, a hint of amusement in his voice as he reached for her left hand. "I guess you shouldn't be wearing these, huh?" He took her wedding and engagement rings from her finger. "By the looks of things, Ma'am, you now belong to no one, though how that's possible I'll never understand."

"Well, the man I love he...I guess he doesn't want me," she lowered her eyes to look demure and vulnerable. Inside she was laughing, this was so much fun.

"Any man who doesn't want you," said Harm. "Is a blind fool."

"Oh really," she sighed. "Then what are you, Harmon?" she asked turning to face him, lips still pouty, eyes still downcast and modest.

"Oh, I'm many things," he said, lifting her chin up gently with his fingers. "But I'm not blind and I'm no fool."

"Oh, no?" she queried, meeting his eyes, her own eyes shining.

"I'll prove it if you'd like me to," he answered, staring into her beautiful brown eyes.

"Please, Counselor," she begged him with her eyes. "Prove it to me."

Putting her wedding band into his pants pocket, he held onto the engagement ring as he carefully got down on one knee in front of her. Looking up at her, he could see the tiny pools of tears waiting to fall from her eyes.

"Sarah, I've loved you from the moment my eyes met yours. You're my reason for living. You're the sunshine on my rainy days, the rose among the weeds and you mean more to me than I ever thought anyone could. I don't want to imagine my life without you in it. Would you make me the happiest man on earth and be my wife, from now until forever?"

The tears spilled as she nodded her head in the affirmative and let him slip her engagement ring on her finger. "Yes," she breathed and lowered herself to the floor in front of him. "Thank you," she whispered and leaned over to capture his lips in a soft kiss. "That's more than I ever imagined and believe me, I have imagined you proposing so many times. Not that your original proclamation was not appreciated."

"You've imagined this?" he asked tenderly. "I'm sorry, Mac, I never realized it was so important to you. Well, actually I never realized I'd blown it so badly the first time. Forgive me, Baby?"

"No forgiving involved," she replied. "There was something strangely satisfying about the way you went about it, and I didn't want you to feel like your first proposal was inadequate, it wasn't. There's just something about a romantic speech and the suitor on one knee," she sighed. "What do you suppose a newly engaged couple does to celebrate?"

"Well," he said with a smile. "I remember what we did the first time around..." He leaned in to kiss her sweetly. "You remember...?"

"Yes," she breathed. "Only that's sort of out of the question now isn't it?" she asked sadly. "I'm sorry I can't..."

"Hey, now," he said, taking her chin in his hand once more to tip her face towards his. "Don't be sorry. Your body needs time to heal, and that's not your fault."

"I know, that but it's not fair to you," she replied. Then she lifted her hand and looked at the ring, "Harm, can I have my wedding ring back? I feel lost without it here."

"Of course," he said, reaching into his pocket and retrieving the gold band. "May I do the honors, Mrs. Rabb?"

"Of course, Commander Rabb," she replied and held out her hand so he could slip the ring on.

He placed the ring on her finger and looked into her eyes as he recited to her the vows from six years earlier. "I Harmon, take thee Sarah, to be my lawful wedded wife. To have and to hold, from this day forward. For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others and remaining faithful unto you until the day we are separated by death." His voice hitched as he spoke the last lines. He'd meant every word six years ago, and he regretted with every ounce of his being the fact that he'd broken that part of his promise to her, not once, but twice. He knew this much, though, he'd never break it again, that part or any other. Ever.

Sarah brought her hand up to cover his and repeated those same words, "I, Sarah, take thee Harmon, to be my lawful wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward. For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others and remaining faithful unto you until the day we are separated by death." With tears falling from her eyes, she whispered, "Kiss your bride, Commander."

Harm leaned in and pressed his lips against hers. The kiss six years ago had been slow, sweet and tender. This one followed suit to the letter.

Mac drew back away from him. "I just thought of something," she said rising from her knees. "I was going to save it, but considering this is a special night..." She rose. "Go put on that Dean Martin CD and bring the remote in here. Give me ten minutes first."

"OK, my love," he said as he stood up. "I'll be back in ten." He had no idea what she could be up to, given their current situation, but he knew this much - he couldn't wait to find out.

Exactly ten minutes had passed when Mac heard Harm enter the room, the sound of their one and only Dean Martin CD playing in the living room. It wasn't really their style, but he had such romantic songs that it came in handy for nights like this.

Mac opened the door to the bathroom and stepped out. She had on her white gown, the same one she'd worn when they married, and over it was the robe, almost an exact copy of the one that now lay ruined in a landfill somewhere.

He stopped in his tracks. No words he could scramble together could adequately describe what he was feeling at that moment. She looked more beautiful to him than she did on their wedding night.

Finally, he found his voice as she walked towards him. "Wow, Mac," he whispered. "You're...you're...gorgeous...but, when did you get this?" he asked, reaching out to touch the robe as her body stopped inches from his. His heart ached at the memory of finding the one from their wedding night on the floor of the bathroom that awful night not long ago.

"I got it yesterday," she replied. "I was going to save it until Dr. Bradley cleared us, but you've made tonight so wonderful for me, I wanted to do something as wonderful for you," she replied. "I hope this isn't bringing back too many painful memories for you, Sweetheart," she said, knowing the way Harm's head worked at times. She wasn't sure if he'd break down at the sight of the new acquisition or reach out to ravish her as he had previously done.

"It's...it's amazing, Baby," he said, running his hand down her cheek. "You look...wow...but...I don't understand...I mean, we can't..."

"No," she replied. "We can't make love, but there are other ways, Flyboy. There are definitely other ways."

She took the remote to the CD player and clicked track 14. The song that played as they honeymooned "You Belong to Me" began to play as Mac began to demonstrate what she had in mind.

Mac closed on him then wrapping her arms around his neck, claiming his lips in a strong soul scorching kiss. Her tongue sought entry into his hot mouth almost immediately, but he hesitated, unsure of what she intended to do.

"Sarah, Honey," he sighed as she came at him again, intent of capturing his mouth with her and keeping their lips connected. When she pulled back he finished his query, "What are you doing?"

"I'm giving my husband pleasure," she replied with a tiny smile.

"You give me pleasure by being alive, Sarah, by being my wife," he told her holding her to him gently.

Mac leaned her forehead against his chest as he held her. She ran her hands up his chest, feeling the smooth material of his shirt under her palms until her tiny hands reached his shoulders. She loved his shoulders.

"Such strong shoulders," she murmured rubbing a bit and feeling tension that was still there within him. "But it's too much for even you to carry isn't it, this thing with us?"

"It's a lot," he replied. "But I won't let you down, Sarah. I'll do all I can to get us through it."

"You can give it to me, Sweetheart. Let me help you. You don't have to carry me, let me walk with you," she pleaded. "Let me hold you up, just for a little while."

Unsure of so many things in his life at that moment, he was sure of one thing: it was nice, for a change, to be the one being told they needn't bear the burdens alone.

"Okay," he whispered. "Okay."

"I love you, Harm," she whispered. "I know you feel lost right now, and I know you're scared and need some comfort. And I need to hold you. Can we do that?"

"I'd love to," he answered softly, moving his arms around her.

Sarah stepped back, out of his reach. "I have a better idea. Get undressed. Take off your clothes and run a bath. I'll meet you in there in ten minutes."

Mac turned the CD on scramble and waited until she heard Harm turn off the water. When she entered the bathroom he was standing near the tub, in only his towel. "Get on in the tub, Honey," she urged.

"You're not joining me?" he asked, letting the towel slide to the floor.

"Not yet," Mac replied. "I'm just going to take care of you, Honey. Trust me."

"Okay," he said as he carefully placed his right foot into the tub and looked over his shoulder at her. "I will."

Mac busied herself with retrieving bath oils and soft sponges and rags. She wanted to pamper him tonight, as he always did her. She wanted to replace the memories of that horrible night with a good memory for them, one of only love and tenderness.

Harm settled himself in the warm water and let out a groan. "How does that feel, Sailor?" Mac asked, returning with his variety of scented skin gels and bath equipment.

"Heavenly," he replied, leaning his head against the end of the tub and closing his eyes. "You sure you don't want to join me?"

"If I join you, I can't do what I want to do," she replied walking over to him with her collection of bathing supplies.

"And what's that?" he asked sighing and relaxing further into the water.

"You'll just have to wait and see, my love," she answered.

Mac took a bit of the peppermint gel Harriet had gotten them for Christmas and poured a bit on her hands. She rubbed them together and put one of her hands on his chest and began to move it in tiny circles, lathering his skin letting the healing scent waft up to his nostrils. "How about that?" she asked.

"Mmmm..." he sighed. "That smells great."

"Just take deep breaths and let all the tension go away into the water," she crooned. "Do your shoulders hurt?"

"Yeah," he replied. "They do. I feel like the weight of the world is sitting on them right now. It's...it's pretty bad."

She frowned and ran a gentle hand across his shoulders, "And you suffer in silence. Why do you always do that? What can I do? You take care of me; I take care of you, right? So tell me what to do for you, Honey."

"Hmmm..." he mused, "I don't know. You got any ideas, baby?

She poured more of the gel into her hands. She loved his shoulders, so strong and chiseled. She moved and ran her hands over the taunt muscles. "Just let it go, Baby. Not even Harmon Rabb can hold up the whole world." She kept rubbing, finding the tightest spots and changing the pressure. "How's that? Too much?"

He exhaled a relaxed breath, feeling himself melt into the water as she worked. "No, it's just right..."

"I'm glad, Honey. Just wait, by the time I'm done you'll feel a lot better. Better than you have in a long time I hope?" she whispered, deepening the massage to reach the tightness at the base of his neck. She touched her lips to his shoulder and kissed it lightly. "I love you so much."

"Mmmmm..." he purred as she continued to kiss here and there. "That's...oh yeah, you know what that does to me, Mac..."

"Mmhmm," she replied. She blew a bit on the hot skin, the placed a feather light kiss just between his shoulder blades. She pulled back and turned her attention back to his massage. "I know." She ran a hand across his back. "Better yet? I want you to tell me what to do for you. You spend too much time taking care of me. It's my turn."

"It's much better, now. Much, but hmm...what can you do for me...?" he said sensually.

"I want to take the pain away, Sweetheart," she whispered. "I want to hold you up for awhile, pamper you," she leaned over and licked his earlobe. "Tell me how."

He hesitated. He didn't deserve this kind of treatment, but she was so certain she wanted him to have it, he digressed. "You could...rub my back...if you want to, you don't have to, though."

"Of course I have to," Mac sighed. "If you want that, you've got it. Where does it need my special attention?" she asked.

"Down low?" he answered, still feeling a bit guilty that she was showering him with such royal treatment and he was just laying there taking it, by his standards he was giving nothing.

"Same place," she asked him.

"Mm-hmm," he replied, leaning forward and wrapping his arms around his knees. "It's kind of tight tonight, not sure why.

"I'm sorry, Sweetheart," she whispered. "Slide up. I'll be gentle."

He slid towards the front of the tub, granting her access to the spots on his back that pained him wrapping his arms around his bent knees.

Mac poured more of the aromatherapy onto her hands and moved to the place that often caused him trouble, the lower back, right side. Sure enough, the muscle was wound in a tight knot. She pressed with the heel of her hand and pulled downward, "How's that?"

"Ohhhh..." he moaned."That's...ooooh, yeah, right there..."

She continued to work on the area, varying her pressure between hard and therapeutic to feather light and romantic. It was during one of these touches she broached a subject that had been upsetting her for months. "Harm, I've kept quiet for awhile now, but I think that it's time we talked about Mexico."

That locomotive he'd felt that night in the bar of the DC Plaza, the one that rammed straight into his heart - it was back. "Wh...what about it, Sarah?" he asked. He wanted to come clean, to tell her the truth about Annie. He knew the ache in his shoulders, the knots in his back and the horrible nightmares he'd been having were all thriving on his hidden secret, his guilt keeping them alive every minute of every day. He knew he needed to tell her, somehow, sometime. That time, however, wasn't going to be now.

"Well, since you've been back, you've been...I've always prided myself on having an attentive and amorous husband but since Mexico you're bordering on clingy and that tells me that something pretty rough happened down there." She sighed. "I want to know what it is, so that this," she pressed her fisted hand into the spasmed muscle. "Can go away."

He knew good and well that no massage, not even Mac's amazing ones, could touch the surface of the pain he was carrying around from Mexico. His mind and heart racing, he said the first thing that came to his mind. "Nothing really happened," he said, feeling the all-too-familiar shame again. "I went, I investigated the case and I came home. I just really missed you that weekend, that's all."

Mac pulled her hands back, "That's bull. I know something happened to you, or you saw something and I want you to tell me what's wrong. Don't shut me out!" she pleaded.

He knew she was getting closer to figuring out the truth, a truth he wasn't ready for her to discover, and it sent a wave of panic through his veins. "I'm not shutting you out," he replied, leaning back in the tub. "Why does anything have to be wrong for me to decide that my gorgeous wife deserves a little more of my attention?" He looked at her, forcing a faint smile across his face in hopes it'd mask his fear.

"Because if that were the truth, you'd take me out to dinner or get a sitter for the kids and we'd go to the mountains. This isn't the Harm that's guilty over neglecting his wife, this is the Harm that's guilty because something happened somewhere that he couldn't fix," she sighed and reached out to touch his chest. "This is how Harmon Rabb acts when this," she tapped his heart. "Is broken. Now, tell me why?"

He knew he had to give her something, pacify her need to find out what happened with some type of believable answer. He longed to tell her the truth - carrying that enormous weight around day in and day out was eroding his soul and spirit a little at a time - but he couldn't tell her. He couldn't hurt her like that.

Mac began to run her hands up and down his chest in a soothing, hypnotic pattern. "Please tell me, Baby. You want to, I can feel it. Please." She looked at him with wide hopeful eyes, begging him to unleash his burdens to her.

"Okay," he sighed. "Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to be down there and see dozens and dozens of families with more kids than they could possibly care for? Every corner I turned, I'd see one and... it made me angry." He knew this wasn't the real answer to Mac's question, but it wasn't a lie. He'd seen it, seen the little ones living with their parents and 12 siblings in houses made of plywood and sheet metal from old cars, and it really did break his heart, especially given the circumstances he and Mac were facing with regards to growing their family.

Mac nodded in understanding. "You are the most precious man alive. You wanted to fix that didn't you?" she asked. "Or was it that we may never have the family we dreamed about? We have to talk about this, I know it hurts, but we have to do it," she urged. Then, turning her attention back to him she asked, "Do you want me to finish your back, or should I move on?"

"No, finish my back" he replied, hoping that her touch would ease his body if not his mind.

"Is the water warm enough?" she asked. "We can let some out and heat it up again."

"Yeah, more hot water would be great," he replied, feeling relieved that the answer he gave her was, apparently, sufficient.

Mac slipped her hand down between his legs, making sure to brush his manhood with her hand as she went to let out half of the water.

Then, "We're not done talking, are we? Can you tell me why it made you angry?"

"I guess," he said. "It was all of it - the fact that I couldn't fix those little kids lives and seeing them only reminded me that we'd probably never get the big family we always wanted to have."

Once the tub had drained she replaced the plug and turned on the tap.

"Well, I've decided something I wanted to talk to you about, but I didn't know how to approach you about it," she said as she turned off the water and moved to work on his back again.

"Oh?" he asked, nervous about what was to come. "Go ahead, Baby," he continued. "You can tell me anything, and you know that."

"I talked with Dr. Bradley about having a procedure to remove some of the lesions from my uterus. He said it is difficult, but it may increase my chances of a successful pregnancy and at the very least help relieve the pain. It's not permanent, but at least it's something," she told him. "I hope you aren't mad I did that without you."

"No, not at all," he answered, moving his upper body to allow her better access to his back. "Was he upset when you told him we're planning to try again?"

"He warned me of the risks, but he said he understands," she told him once again working the muscle. "And he apologized again for his impatience with me last Monday."

"Well, that's great," he said. "All of it. He definitely owed you an apology after last week."

"Yeah, he did," agreed Mac, pressing the heel of her right hand into that stubborn spot on his back.

"Oh, ow!" said Harm, jumping a little under her touch.

"I'm sorry, Sweetie," she said. "I didn't mean to press so hard. Are you okay?" She removed her hands and instead leaned down to place a super-soft kiss upon the place she'd hurt.

"Mm-hmm," he said, nodding his head slightly. "Just pinched a little, no big deal. Keep going if you want to."

Mac reached behind her and grabbed the bottle of peppermint bath gel and squeezed another small dollop into her palm. Rubbing her hands together again, she returned to his lower back as well as to their conversation.

"So, the reason you were so clingy when you got home from that TAD," she implored. "Was because you were bombarded with painful reminders around every turn?"

She had no idea how right on the money she was when she put it like that. "Reminders" were everywhere, the biggest being Annie and how what happened with her reminded him of the selfish, foolish mistake he'd made with Meg nearly 6 years prior. He felt his heart sink for what must have been the millionth time in two months.

"Yeah," he mumbled softly. "It was...it was pretty brutal and I'm not a good one at leaving things from elsewhere, elsewhere, you know?"

"I do," she replied. "You've always been more of one to hang onto things than one to let them go." She worked her way up his back a few inches.

He nodded.

"But," continued Mac. "Maybe having talked about it, finally, combined with the fact that before too long we'll be able to start trying to conceive again, maybe you can let it go now."

He sighed. If only it were that easy.

"I'll sure try, Baby," he replied. "I'll sure try."

She ceased her massage on his back and came around to face him, leaning over the side of the tub. "Thank you," she said softly as she placed a kiss on his forehead. "I don't like it when you're this tense."

"I know," he whispered. "I like it even less than you do."

"Are you...feeling more relaxed now?" she asked, rubbing his shoulder with her fingers.

"Mm-hmm," he answered, looking into her eyes. "I'm getting there."

Mac shook her head. "Well, clearly there's still some tension hiding in there somewhere" she said, a hint of desire in her voice. "And I'm going to find it. Lean back Sailor," she instructed. "There are other parts that need my attention."

He did as she asked, easing himself back against the end of the tub once more, resting his head against the edge.

"What else is tense, Sweetie or do you want me to go searching?" she asked running a hand down his hard chest and over to his side. She giggled, "You're getting a love handle here, Hon. Must be my wonderful cooking," Mac teased and ran her hand across his hips.

"Hey now!" he exclaimed, "You just never mind..." Mac ignored him and moved her hands across the area of his hips.

"Any problems here?" she asked him.

"Hmmm...don't think so," he replied.

"Hmm," she sighed and continued to move lower. "How about here?" she asked her hand brushing his manhood once again. "How's that feeling right now?"

He drew in a sharp breath at the feel of her hand against the most awakened area of his body. "Maaac..." he breathed. "You know what that..."

"Does to you?" she smiled. "But of course. But it's not time for that yet."

She moved her hands to his legs. "Strong thighs, perfect." Her hands set to work on his right leg. "How's that, Sweetheart? Tell me what you like and I'll do it," she told him wanting so badly to give him as much pleasure as she was capable of doing. "Whatever you want, Baby," she sighed and deepen her touch on his leg muscle. "I want so much to give you pleasure," she told him. "I want so badly to make you feel like you make me feel."

Her voice, her words sent chills up his spine. "Lower," he said, his eyes closed, head still against the tub's edge.

Mac obliged him and moved her hands off his thigh down to his calf. She felt a knot at the back and lifted the long limb out of the water so she could apply the soap and work out that cramp. "I'm always amazed that you walked away from all those punch out with nothing but a few tiny scars," she sighed. "Which by the way I find very sexy."

"You do?" he queried sighing as she played with one of those scars.

"Yeah," she replied, her voice just as husky. "I do. Sometimes I like to think that you're the only solider in this family and that I'm the woman at home, waiting for you to come home to me. All too often though I get that wish and I pray I never have to feel like that again." Her hand traced a scar on the upper part of his calf. "Where's this one from again?"

"Basic Training mishap" he replied. "Scraped it against a sharp edge on my locker."

"Clumsy, Sailor," she scolded and moved her hands lower until she reached his foot. "You know when my grandmother would come to visit, she would tell me about her people and their customs. There was one that always interested me," she told him. "The foot bath."

"Hmmm..." he said. "I'm intrigued."

"Well, the basic premise of it is to show devotion and humility to one's spouse. Women in the deserts bathe their husband's feet with a special sponge to take away the pain and grime of a desert journey," Mac explained. "She taught me how to do one, but I don't remember all the specifics."

"Why don't you give me your own special version?" he suggested, opening his eyes to look into hers. "I don't mind if it's not the same as theirs. I just want to feel your hands on my body."

"And I want to feel your body under my hands. I want to take better care of you than I have been," she sighed, her guilt at her inability to be as strong physically as she once was evident even in their special private moments.

"Don't feel bad, Mac," he whispered. "This is nice, I like it."

"You deserve it," she replied as she took one of his large feet in her hands. She reached for the soft sponge with one hand and cradled his foot in the other. "I do remember this, she said, move as your heart directs you."

"Then do that," he said softly. "Go with your heart."

As the soft sponge caressed his insole it was all he could do to keep from groaning, but he held it inside wanting to see what surprises his bride had in store for him. She was using sandlewood soap this time. He leaned back against the tub, surrendering to her touch. He was tired from lack of sleep and it seems that Mac moved the sponge as if to wash the weariness away. She trailed it over his toes and down his ankle, causing tiny sparks of energy to course through him.

"Mmm..." he moaned. "That feels sooo good..."

"I'm glad Honey," Mac whispered her voice hitching a bit. "I want it to feel good. I want you too feel good."

"It does," he said, opening his mouth only enough to allow the words out. "And I do."

Her soft touch had changed ever so slightly. Her fingers rested a moment longer than necessary on the sole of his foot. He didn't need this now. She was off limits to him for the duration but her touch was doing things to his body that he could not control. His fingers dug into the sides of the tub. It was either that or reach up and grab Sarah and pull her into the water with him. Was he so touch-deprived that a simple caress to the bottom of his foot could undo him? No, they touched and often, it was the reason for the touch that was causing these feelings. "Do the other one," he commanded. As much as he was enjoying this, he wanted her to finish so the torture could end.

She obliged him and gently lowered his right foot into the water again. She leaned over him and lifted his left leg, dropping a few drops of the sandalwood gel into her palms. She began to tend to that foot, fingers working the insole gently, then using the sponge to caress the soft skin. "You like this?"

"Oh God, yes," he answered. "I love it, but..."

"What, Sweetheart?" she crooned. "Something else need my attention?"

He shook his head, holding his eyes closed and relaxing as much as he could. "No, keep doing that..."

"What were you going to say?" she asked, moving the soft sponge around to the heel. "Tell me what you need, what you desire," she told him leaning forward to press an impulsive kiss on the sole of his foot.

He drew in another sharp breath at the feel of her lips on his foot. He was really enjoying the attention she was paying to his feet, his legs, shoulders, back. He was hesitant to ask her to move to the one place she had methodically neglected, he didn't want the experience to end any sooner than necessary.

He was realizing, though, that his body had ideas of its own, ideas which she could easily pick up on with one passing glance.

"I'm...I'm fine, Baby," he said. "Just keep doing that..."

Mac continued her massage of his foot until the entire appendage was pliant in her hand. "Now for the final touch," she thought to herself as she lowered his foot.

Mac ran her hands up the inside of his leg and found his engorged sex. "That feels a little tense, Sailor," she whispered in a soft voice. She rubbed her hand over the tip, "How's that?"

"God!" he exclaimed, unable to say much else right then.

She continued to fondle him, using her fingers and her hands to manipulate him. "Talk to me Harm," she said. "This is for you. You tell me what you want. Do you want me?" she asked him, willing at this point to let him take her if he so desired for she was growing wet herself.

His breathing heavy, heart long-since racing, he answered her. "Please, Baby? Can I? Please?"

"Can you what?" she asked tightening her grip on his and massaging him.

"Can I have you?" he asked his voice low and heavy. "Please, Baby?"

She released him and rose to her feet. "You can have anything you want. Do you want this?" she asked and slipped off the robe revealing her long thin arms. "Or this?" she slipped the straps of her nightgown off her shoulders to revealed her perfect breasts.

"I want it all," he growled. "I want you, Sarah. I need you, Baby..."

"I'm here, Harm," she breathed. "Do you need help getting out of the tub?" she asked him. "I need you myself. I need you inside me."

He climbed out of the tub in record time and no sooner did his feet touch the bath mat then he grabbed a hold of her, pulling her close, his lips smashing against hers.

He forced her mouth open with his tongue while his hands made short work of the nightgown the was still covering her bottom half. He raised a warm hand to her hips and pulled her against him, he wanted her to feel what she did to him.

"You feel that, Baby?" he asked her, removing his lips from hers for no more than mere seconds. "You did that."

Mac took one of his hands and guided it down to her sex, pressing it against the moist folds she whispered, "You did that."

They resumed their impassioned kiss, hands touching and exploring. "I need you, Harm," she sighed against his mouth. "I can't stand it much more."

Determined to make this last as long as humanly possible, desiring to tease her the way he knew she loved to be teased, he gently slipped two fingers inside her. "You like that?" He whispered.

The feel of his long warm fingers inside of her made her entire body shake. The exquisite feelings coursing through her made her knees grow weak. She started to slip, feeling like a marionette without its strings.

Now it was his turn to ask the questions, as she'd done in the tub. "Tell me what you want, Baby," he hissed, moving his fingers just enough for her to notice.

Of all the things she could ask of him that he'd willingly do, she requested the one thing she was almost sure he'd refuse her. "I want you to love me," she replied and met his eyes with her own, the brown orbs shining with the tears that would fall at his rejection.

Her words hit him like a bolt of lightening. Could he? Should he? He had to think fast or risk breaking her heart. He made up his mind much faster than he thought he could, given the circumstances of the past couple of weeks. He made up his mind faster than he thought he would. He moved his fingers out of her and slid his hands down her back to support her as their bodies slid to the ground, still totally enthralled in one another.

He looked into her eyes and saw the teardrops shining in them. He gazed into them, his hand caressing her cheek as he tired to let her down slowly, gently. "No, Mac. We can't."

The tears fell. "I...I need you. Please, I want this for you, for us, Sweetheart." She sniffed and turned her head. "But if you don't..."

"Oh, baby, it's not..." he said, still caressing her sweet, soft cheek. "I want to so much, so badly I...I can't even tell you, but we're not supposed to...not yet..."

She reached her hand between their bodies, "But you need it. You have needs and I...this is for you. I'll be all right."

He shivered again at the feel of her hands on him. "Mac, I...we don't have to do this for me...we can...we can do something else, something that won't hurt you."

She looked at him, brown eyes overflowing with tears. "The only that would hurt me is you not loving me. Love me Harm. I need you, I...Please."

Her sadness was killing him, but he had to put her well-being first. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I want to, but..."

"Love me," she pleaded. "Please. I hurt now I want you so much...if something happens...if...I'll take care of myself, you won't have to do anything. Please, I...make the ache stop. Its here," she guided his hand to his femininity. "And here." She raised it to her heart.

He realized he was causing her more pain by refusing than he likely would by giving in. "Okay, baby," he said softly. "We'll do it. We'll try anyway, but if anything happens to you, I'm not about to leave you to care for yourself, understood?"

"Love me," she whispered mouth searching for his kiss. "Make love to me. Here. Now."

"Bed?" He asked before plowing his lips into hers again.

"No," she gasped into his mouth. "Here. I can't wait that long."

"I can't wait either," he gasped. "Are you ready, Baby?"

All she could do was whimper as she sagged against him allowing him to ease her down onto the cold tile.

"Move your legs" he said, out-of-breath from fighting his own body.

She obliged and bent her knees so her feet could brace her body against the floor. She opened her legs for him, and lifted her hips. Still, even as he rose over her, he hesitated.

"Come on" she begged, "I need you inside me..."

"I don't want to hurt you," he breathed leaning down to gently touch his lips to hers.

"It'll be okay," she replied in a heated whisper. "I promise. Please, I need you so bad right now..."

With a sense of dread still gripping his gut her slipped his hands underneath her and lifted her to him as he pressed himself inside. Once there he held still, "Okay?" he asked.

"Ohhh yeah..." she moaned.

He began to move then, slowly pulling almost all the way out before thrusting again. "Oh, you are so tight, so...we're perfect, Sarah. You were made for me," he rasped and kissed her hard. "Cum for me, now," he instructed. "Let me feel how good it is for you."

"Faster..." she begged."Go faster..."

He wasn't sure, but he wanted to please her so he obliged her lifting her hips up and down as he drove himself into her body. Finally he felt it, the tiny shockwaves that her body elicited just before she climaxed with the sweetest moan he'd ever hear. His own completion came as he felt her muscles tighten around him, hugging his length like a spandex glove. Finally, tired and spent he sagged against her, head resting against her breasts.

"God that was so good," she said as he lay against her on the cold tile floor.

"Mmhmm," he sighed trying to catch his breath. "But it is kind of cold down here."

"Yeah," she agreed. "You must really be freezing; your entire body is still wet from the tub. Want to go crawl under the covers?"

"Yeah," he sighed and rolled off of her. "You can warm me up." He rose to his full height the leaned down to help her up taking her hands in his and easing her off the floor.

Retaining her hold on his left hand, she led him quickly to their bed, pulling back the covers across the top and climbing in on the side nearest to the door.

"Brrr..." she said, pulling the covers up to her neck. "Now I'm really cold!"

Harm reached out for her and pulled her into his embrace rubbing her arms a few times. "Better?"

"Mm-hmm," she said, scooting just a little closer to him and sliding one arm underneath his body. "Your back is like ice, Sweetie."

"I'll warm up," he sighed kissing her hair. "That was...was worth a bit of a chill. I just hope you don't catch cold. I should have..."

"Hmm?" she asked him. "Should have what?"

"I should have though about that. I'm sorry, Baby," he apologized. "I...we weren't supposed to do that and on the bathroom floor. Damn it!" he swore. "I can't do anything right anymore."

"Whoa, hey, hey," she said, placing a hand on his chest and pushing herself up to see his face. "You didn't do anything wrong here, okay? None of this was your idea, it was all mine, so if anyone did anything wrong, it was definitely me, Sweetie."

"I shouldn't have let you do it, Sarah. It was...how are you?" he asked full of concern. "Are you okay? You're not hurt?" His questions came faster than he intended as his fear grew.

"Calm down, Harm," she said. "I'm fine, I promise."

"Did it hurt though? I want you to tell me if it hurt even a little bit," he told her. "I...can't believe this. This was so stupid!"

She sighed, knowing he really wanted the truth regardless. "It wasn't stupid, but it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, either. It hurt a little bit, but only towards the end, after I asked you to go faster, but it was nothing bad enough to stop for."

"It shouldn't have hurt at all," he insisted. "It shouldn't have happened at all. Looks like we can add number six to the string of messed up anniversaries," he sighed and put his arm around her to hold her to his chest.

"Oh, please don't say that, Sweetie" she begged. "This was the best anniversary we've ever had, for me it was anyway. I don't want you to let this ruin anything. We had a wonderful evening out together, and it ended just the way we both wanted it to, even if we went against our better judgment and let our emotions and desires take over. Please believe me when I say I didn't plan it like this. I was going to do whatever you wanted while you were in the tub, I didn't mean to…"

"I know," he sighed hugging her.

"I know it wasn't the smartest thing, but did you…did you enjoy it?" she asked hesitantly.

"You should know better than to ask that," he scolded gently. "You all ready know the answer."

"Then let me ask you this, if I hadn't thrown myself at you like I did, what would you have wanted instead of what we did? The night was supposed to be all about you, you know? Would you have wanted me?"

"It's not a question of want, Honey," he explained. "I always want you, that's not the issue. Instead of what we had..." he thought for a minute and tightened his hold. "This seems pretty good to me."

"So see," she said as she nestled closer. "You have nothing to feel badly about, because if I'd kept myself under control, you wouldn't have suggested that we go for it on the bathroom floor. We shouldn't have done that, we're not cleared by the doctor yet and we both know that, but it happened and I was responsible for it and I don't want you feeling guilty, okay?"

He ran his hand up and down her back, but stayed silent. He was guilty about more than she could even imagine.

"I can think of one good thing that we can take from this, though," she said.

"Oh yeah," he chuckled a bit at the feel of her fingers playing up and down his side. "What's that?"

"That we just had the most amazing sex ever in there" she said. "In a place that...that held some bad memories for us. Now, hopefully, we can let the memories of tonight override the ones from before. Think we can do that, Sailor?"

"We can try, my love," he told her. "I can try."

"Good," she said as a huge yawn came over her. "Have you thawed yet, Sweetie?"

"Yeah, I think so. You feel warmer too," he told her and let out a yawn himself.

"Mmm, I am," she said wearily. "Let's call it a night, I'm wiped out and I know you must be, too."

The only answer she received to that was his light snore.

**1335 ZULU**

**Rabb Residence**

**ManassasVa**

Harm and Mac awoke the next morning to the ringing of their telephone. He reacted first, hoping to let her sleep a little bit. "Rabb," he said in a groggy voice. A pause. "Yeah, but that's okay we have to pick up the kids anyway." Another pause. "I think that sounds good, let me check with Mac when she wakes up and I'll call you in an hour. Bye."

Mac awoke halfway, rolling onto her back with a groan. "Who was that?" she asked.

"Harriet," he replied. "She wants to go get a manicure and she wanted to know if you and Lucy wanted to go too."

"Hmm," replied Mac as she groggily stretched her arms to the side. "That's sweet of her. Did you tell her yes?"

"I told her probably, but I'd call her back after I talked to you. What time is it?" he asked not bothering to look at the bedside clock.

"0835" she replied. "When was AJ expecting us to reclaim our little bundles of joy?"

"I told him 1100," he replied. "He should be ready to pay us to take them back by then," Harm joked. "Did we let the water out of the tub last night?"

Mac chuckled a little. "Come to think of it, no, we didn't. I bet its real inviting by now!"

"Yeah, an ice cold bath. Just what I need," he groaned a stretched his back. "Reminder, no more sex on tile floors."

Again, she chuckled. "We could've done it on the bath mat, you know?"

"Well it was too far away," he teased and rolled over so that his full weight was pressing against her.

"Mm-hmm," she said. "It was waaay too far away, wasn't it?" She leaned up and pressed a kiss against his forehead.

He kissed her lips softly then sighed, "We better get up. We have to get our children before the Admiral decided they need SEAL training."

"Oh, God," she laughed. "That's all we need, a toddler who can kill a man three different ways with his bare hands."

"Sometimes I wonder where we got that kid. Was Lucy that bad?" he asked with a laugh.

"In her own little ways she was," replied Mac. "Remember when she was about his age and discovered how to make herself throw up on demand?"

"Do not remind me of that," he groaned. "And wasn't it Lucy that had the toilet fascination. I lost three sets of keys."

Mac nodded, "And a pair of Ray-Ban's, and two - no, three - television remotes..."

"I never got another pair like those," he sighed. "How come it was never any of your stuff?"

"I guess she loved you more than me?" shrugged Mac with a huge smile.

"Impossible," he sighed and kissed her again. "We really should get up now."

"Yeah, we really should," she agreed. "You want the shower first?"

"No, you go ahead," he said. "I'll throw some pants on and go start breakfast."

"Okay," she said. "What's on the menu?"

"Anything sound especially good to you?" he asked, tossing the covers off of himself.

"Chocolate chip pancakes," she replied.

"Ah yes, nothing like chocolate first thing in the morning, huh?" he answered as he threw on a pair of boxers and some warm-up pants. "Chocolate chip pancakes it is."

"Thanks, Sweetie," she said, throwing the covers towards his side of the bed. "Ugh, I hate mornings."

"Well, go take a hot shower," he encouraged. "You'll feel better."

She nodded, shivering a bit as she got out of bed. She rummaged through her side of the dresser in search of panties and a bra. Finding them relatively quickly, she hurried into the bathroom and turned the heat lamp on.

"That's better," she said to herself as the orange glow emanated from the ceiling. She reached down and grabbed the sponge that was floating on top of the ice cold bath water from last night. She smiled as she wrung it out, thinking about what a wonderful, passionate night it turned out to be. Setting the sponge aside, she bent down to pull the plug from the drain when...

"Ooooh..." she said aloud as a sharp abdominal cramp hit her. She put her hand over the spot and rubbed gently. When it let up after a few seconds, she was able to sit down on the edge of the tub and pull the plug from the drain.

"Better let that empty before I turn the water on," she thought, staring at the little tornado-like stream of water going down the drain. "Hmm, guess I could pee while I'm waiting" she mumbled aloud, rising from the edge of the tub and stepping over to the toilet.

"Ow...oooh..." she said as another cramp hit her, this one stronger than the first. She sat down atop the closed toilet lid and put her hand on her abdomen, like before, but the pain didn't let up. She took a few deep breaths as thoughts of last night once again ran through her head. Was this pain a result of last night? Had they done something that caused more damage than was already there? It hadn't hurt too much when they were in the throes of passion - a little, but not much - but the pain she was having now was more than making up for that in all the wrong ways.

"Maybe an empty bladder will help," she thought. Standing up slowly, she turned around to lift the toilet lid out of the way, stopping cold when she saw the small spots of blood where she'd been sitting.

"Oh, no..." she whispered, frantically grabbing a handful of toilet paper so she could check how heavy the bleeding was.

"Oh, okay...okay..." she said softly when her check revealed only a minimal amount. "That's not too bad...okay..." By then, the tub was nearly drained, and she stepped over towards the faucet and turned on the water for her shower.

"Oh yeah," she said, realizing she still needed to empty her bladder, part of her afraid to do so for fear the bleeding might increase, but she really had no choice. She held her breath the entire time, praying the cramping and the spotting would be gone by the time she had to face Harm for breakfast. If need be, she could tell him about the cramping. He'd feel bad, no doubt guilty as well, but he'd be able to handle it without too much worry. The spotting, on the other hand, would send him off the deep end. He was still far too upset over that horrible night, over all the blood she'd lost, how he almost lost her. No, the spotting was something she'd just have to deal with alone unless it got too bad.

It was all she could do to stand up long enough to finish her shower. The cramping grew more intense and spread from one side of her body to the other.

"Damn it..." she mumbled, nearly doubled over in pain as the soapy water ran down her body.

She rinsed off as best she could and stepped gingerly out of the shower.

By the time she'd dried off a little, she was on the verge of tears. Foregoing her underclothes, she wrapped her towel around herself, and walked slowly to the bed.

"God, this hurts..." she whimpered to herself as she slid between the covers, careful to keep her bath towel underneath her body on account of the spotting. She laid her head upon her pillow, her hair still dripping wet, and drew her knees up towards her chest.

She knew that wasn't a good position to be in for the pain. She knew it was best to lie on her back with the pillows propped underneath her back and legs, but for now this was all she could do. Harm would panic when he found her like that, and she wanted nothing more than to get up, dress and go join him in the kitchen, but she simply didn't have the ability to press ahead through that kind of pain.

As the aroma of the pancakes made its way into the bedroom, she heard footsteps coming down the hall.

The shower water had turned off a while ago and Harm had heard Mac close the bathroom door, and then he'd heard nothing. He was sure he'd go into the bedroom and find her wet from her shower, dressed in a towel having a crisis of fashion he'd solve by telling her she'd look beautiful in a burlap sack. He pushed open their bedroom door, "Honey, the pancakes are ready," he said as he entered. Then he saw her, lying in bed, curled in the fetal position. "Oh, God," he thought. "Oh no. Sarah, Baby, what is it?" he asked as he rushed to her side.

"Cramps," she answered, her voice strained through the pain. "I'll be okay, though, Sweetie."

"You don't look okay," he sighed. "What can I do? Do you want your pills?" he asked her all the while using his hands to force onto her back.

"Yeah," she said. "They'd help. Can you get the heating pad, too?"

"Okay," he said gently first going to the closet to get the pillow she used to elevate her legs. "Lift up for me."

"Ah!" she exclaimed as the pressure she put on her abdomen to lift her legs up hit her hard.

"I'm sorry, Honey," he crooned. "I know. But this helps, you know it does." He kissed her hair before getting the heating pad out of the closet, plugging it in, and bringing it over to her. "Lift up again."

"I can't," she said as she began to cry a little bit. "Can you roll me over enough to get it under me?"

"Try Sarah," he urged. "I'm afraid rolling would hurt more."

She took a deep breath and gripped the bottom sheet on the bed as she worked with all that was in her to lift her lower body up a few inches.

"Oh God," she gasped. "Hurry, please..."

Quickly Harm slipped the heating pad between her towel and their bed sheet. "Okay, it's over. Lie back now." His voice was even, no emotion, no fear.

She dropped back onto the bed, fighting hard to keep from breaking down and frightening him. "Pills?" she asked.

"I'll get them," he told her. "Take deep breaths. Are you bleeding?" he asked his voice not hinting at the fear in his heart.

He just had to ask, didn't he? She couldn't tell him she was, it'd scare him half to death. No, she wasn't going to tell him. She'd lie. "No," she said, her tone highly unconvincing.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "If you are you have to tell me. I promise not to lose it, just be straight with me."

"I'm...I'm...not," she replied quietly, which all but told him she in fact was.

He let it go. If it were really bad she would tell him and he knew it. "All right," he sighed returning to the bed with her pills and her water. "Can you lift your head for me?"

She moved slowly, carefully in hopes of keeping the pain from worsening.

Harm saw her struggling and set the glass down on the bedstead. Gently he lifted her head and put the pills in her mouth. Then reached for the water and helped her drink. "There you go," he said. "Lie back now and rest. Can I do anything else?"

"No," she said. "These should kick in after 15-20 minutes and I'll feel lots better, Babe."

"Okay, do you want me to bring in your pancakes? The pills will upset your stomach if you don't eat," he reminded her. He wanted to do something else, no, he needed to.

"Yeah, bring me one or two," she said, her eyes closed as she tried to relax. "The last thing I need is to throw up with cramps like these."

He leaned over and kissed her damp forehead. "I'll be right back," he said happy to have a task. Before she could blink it seemed he was back with two pancakes, syrup, and a glass of ginger ale on a tray. "Breakfast in bed, Mrs. Rabb," he smiled.

"I'm sorry," she began to apologize.

"Ssh," he hushed her. "Let's not revisit this. Last night was too beautiful, you said so yourself. So no guilt and no apologies okay?" He kissed her hand then, "Can you do it by yourself or do you need help?"

"If you'll cut them up I can do the rest," she said, her heart smiling at the amazing way he was handling this matter. He was absolutely right; last night had been far too beautiful to let a few cramps destroy it. It didn't matter that they were most likely a direct result of their lovemaking, it just...didn't matter.

He did as she asked, cutting the pancakes and then relinquishing the fork. "I'm going to call Harriet and tell her that you aren't up to going out today," he told her rising.

"No, don't do that," she begged. "Once the meds kick in I'll be fine, honest. It's just cramps, babe, it's not the same kind of pain as before. It'll ease up soon and I'd really love to go."

"Are you sure?" he asked. "I don't want you hurting all day because you pushed too hard."

"I'm sure," she said after swallowing the first bite of her pancake. "If the meds don't do the trick, I won't go, especially since Lucy would be there. Give me another half hour and then we'll decide, deal?"

"Deal," he replied and leaned over. "Seal it with a kiss?"

"Of course" she replied, stretching her neck up just a touch.

He placed the kiss on her lips. "How's the pain?" he asked running a hand through her hair.

"About the same" she said, piercing another bite of pancake with her fork, the plate lying on her chest. "No better yet, but no worse, either."

"Okay. Would it be all right if I showered? Or do you need me to do anything else?" he asked. "I'll still have to get the children so..."

"Go ahead, shower," she said, "I'll try to go with you to get them if I can."

"Okay. If you're not better by the time I get out, I'm calling the doctor," he told her as he gathered his robe and undergarments.

She knew fighting with him was futile, not to mention if she didn't feel better by then, a call to Dr. Bradley would actually be a smart move. "Okay," she replied with a sigh, reaching for her ginger ale.

"I'll be right back," he assured her as if she'd doubt it and disappeared to the shower.

Mac finished her breakfast, sliding the empty plate back onto the tray. She wanted to roll onto her side and curl up with Harm's pillow, but she knew it wouldn't be a good thing to try.

Reaching as carefully as she could, she took hold of the phone and flipped it open to answer it. "Sarah Mackenzie-Rabb," she said.

"Oh," came the shocked voice of Annie Pendry. "I thought this was Harm's private number."

"Who's calling, please?" asked Mac, immediately unnerved that a female caller had tried to call Harm's "private number."

"Its, uh, Annie. Annie Pendry," she replied. "He said to use this number when I called him."

Mac cringed at the realization of the caller's identity. She hated that woman, always had. "Well, Annie" she said. "This isn't a private number, it's just his cell phone and since he's not available right now, I answered it for him. Is there something I can help you with?"

"I um, I really needed to talk to Harm," she sighed. "Do you know where he is?" she pressed.

"Yes, he's in the shower," replied Mac, highly annoyed. "What did you need to talk to him about?" It wasn't necessarily any of Mac's business, however when it came to other women calling his cell phone and saying they just "had to talk to him", it became her business real fast.

"Its Josh," she sighed. "I was hoping...their doing this report on their father's and mother's careers for career day at school. I was hoping he could talk to Harm about Naval Aviation instead of Peter. He's a bartender and...I'm sure you understand," Annie explained. It wasn't really a lie, but it wasn't her only motive.

It was a semi-believable reason, but part of Mac wasn't too sure about it. "I see," she said. "I'll give Harm the message and leave it up to him." She was almost ready to end the call when something dawned on her. "Annie, why didn't you just call the house phone? Why was this something you wanted to reach him on his 'private number' for?"

"Um, well," she said. It would be so easy to tell the witch right now, but that would hurt Harm as well as she didn't want to do that. "He told me that if I had trouble with Josh to call him when we were in Mexico. He said to use his cell incase you weren't feeling well and were resting. He said he didn't like you disturbed."

Again, semi-believable, too much reasonable doubt to argue with her. "Okay," replied Mac with a sigh. "Well, like I said, I'll let Harm know you called. If you'll excuse me, I need to get ready to pick up the children now." Mac wasn't in the mood for idle chit-chat with the likes of Annie Pendry when she was feeling well, and she certainly wasn't in the mood just then.

"I'm sorry I disturbed you, Mac. If I may say so, you don't sound well."

"I'm fine," retorted Mac. "But I do need to go now. If you need to reach Harm again, I ask that you use the house phone. He'll get any messages you leave on there just as easily as any you leave on here."

"But he said..." Annie protested but Mac cut her off.

"Use the house phone, Annie," insisted Mac. She wasn't about to let that woman go on thinking Harm's cell number was her own private little link to him. It seemed like Annie was trying to sneak behind Mac's back, something she was not prepared to tolerate. "When I'm resting, the ringer to the bedroom phone is off. Just use the house phone."

"Of course," Annie relented. "I'm sorry to have bothered you. Good bye." She quickly hung up.

Closing the phone abruptly, she tossed it onto his side of the bed. While she loathed talking with Annie (she loathed anything having to do with Annie to be more exact), it had served to distract her for those few minutes. When she went to sit up, she noticed the pain had lessened a good deal.

Harm opened the bathroom door just as she closed the phone. "Who was that, Mac?"

"Annie Pendry" she answered, her voice conveying every bit of frustration her heart was harboring just then.

He rolled his eyes. "What did she want?" he asked fear seizing his heart.

"Apparently, Josh wants to talk to you about Naval Aviation for some project he's doing at school," said Mac, sitting up carefully on the side of the bed. "I told her I'd give you the message, and by the way did you ever tell her to call your cell phone and not the house phone?"

"Yeah," he replied. "I told her I'd help out with the flight thing if Josh needed it, but I'd prefer her not to call the house as not to disrupt things around here."

"Harm, people call here all the time without disrupting things," replied Mac. "It wouldn't have bothered me if she hadn't acted so surprised to hear my voice on your cell phone. She said she thought that was your 'private number'."

"I never said that," he insisted and it was true. He changed the subject, "Pain getting better?"

"Thankfully, yes," she said, standing up and wrapping her bath towel around herself. "I need to pee, are you finished in there for a minute?"

"All done," he said. "Want anymore pancakes?"

"No thanks," she said, stepping into the bathroom. "Stick them in the fridge; I'm sure the kids will eat them."

Before she entered the bathroom, he grabbed her arm. "Are you really upset about that call? If you are I'll line her out right now and set her straight."

She sighed. "I wish I could say I'm not upset, but I'd be lying. I'm sorry, but she just..."

"You want me to cut her off, I'll change the number while we're at the mall today," he told her.

"No, you don't need to go that far" said Mac, not believing that she'd turned down such an appealing offer. "Just straighten her out, please. Tell her to call the house if she needs to talk to you, that you don't have any 'private numbers', and if you did I know you'd never give them to her..."

"Kiss?" he requested as answer.

She leaned forward and placed a sweet one on his lips. "I'll only be a minute in here, then I'll get dressed. Can you go throw in a load of white laundry for me, please?"

"Deal," he replied. "Make the bed?"

"Sure," she replied.

"Okay, try and be ready in twenty. I'm going to call Harriet back while I'm cleaning up the kitchen if you are sure you want to go out," he told her leaving out that he intended to call Annie as well.

"I'm sure," she called as she closed the door


	10. Chapter 10

See Chapter One for Notes and Disclaimers

**1929 ZULU**

**National Outlet Mall**

While Harriet, Mac and Lucy were busy getting "beautiful" Harm, Bud and the boys strolled through the mall loaded down with bags filled with toys, books, some clothing that Harriet bought, and of course, shoes for Mac. When they reached the pizza stand, AJ insisted his Uncle Harm buy him a slice, Godfather chips, he called it and Harm was glad to oblige.

Once the children were busy with their pizza, with AJ monitoring a lapsed game of "Going on a Picnic," Harm finally had a chance to update his confidant on what had been going on.

He sighed deeply, "That mess from Mexico refuses to die." He wanted, needed to talk to his friend about it, and he knew Bud was too polite to broach the topic.

"I somehow thought that's what had you acting like a bear with a toothache today. I thought at first it would the Colonel but she seems to be doing fine today," Bud sighed. "So what happened? Did you get busted?"

"Not as such. No," replied Harm. "I did have a very...bad meeting with Annie, though, not long after you and I talked about everything." He stared off into space as the memories of that night ate away at his conscience for the umpteenth time.

"I don't think I'm going to like this? I'm not going to like this, am I?" Bud asked getting nervous at where this conversation was headed.

Harm shook his head. "Nope. You won't like it at all. You want the long or the short of it? Not that it matters, it ends bad either way, but I'll tell you whatever you want to know."

"Lay it on me," said Bud. "If I'm in this, I'm going in it all the way."

Harm took a deep breath. "Annie called me at home one afternoon, said she had to see me that night at the bar of the DC Plaza Hotel, and that I was to come alone. I didn't know what she was up to, just that I wanted no part of it, so I told her Mac and I would both be there."

"I suppose that went over like a lead balloon," Bud sighed. "What did she want? No, don't tell me. Tell me you didn't go."

"I wasn't going to," said Harm, fidgeting with his wedding band, "but when I refused she said not coming wasn't an option and neither was bringing Mac with me. I was afraid if I didn't go, she'd find a way to tell Mac about Mexico, you know, so I went."

"Would she actually do that or were you just being paranoid?" Bud asked sipping his drink.

"Oh, trust me," said Harm. "If given the opportunity, she would've told, of that much I'm certain. So... I relented and agreed to meet her that night, alone. I told Mac I had to meet with a former client. I felt about two inches tall, Bud. I hated lying to her, but there was no way I could have told her the truth, not like that anyway."

"Did she buy it?" Bud asked.

"Yeah, she didn't really question it," answered Harm, taking a sip of his soft drink. "She offered to go along since I seemed uptight about it, which of course I had to refuse. I'm glad she didn't press the issue, I'm sure if she had, she would've found a way to break me that night."

Bud sighed. "So what did the witch want? And don't tell me she decided you're too good to pass up and wants to have a secret rendezvous twice a year."

"That's what I was thinking the whole way into DC that night," said Harm, "I was just sure she wanted to coerce me into some sick love triangle or something, but she didn't. Well, she probably did want to do that, but that's not why she wanted to meet with me that night. Nope...that's not why..." His voice trailed off as he lost himself in the memories once again.

Several minutes passed before Bud broke the heavy silence. "Harm, we're not getting any younger here," Bud urged. "Spit it out so we can deal with it before our wives get back. God Harriet will kill me if she ever finds out."

"Yeah, sorry," said Harm. "It's hard to talk about. Anyway, I got to the bar and she was there. She offered to buy me a drink which I initially refused but she insisted, so I gave in figuring the sooner I played her little game, the sooner I could get the hell out of there. We sat down at a corner table, and I basically told her to spill it, whatever 'it' was. And she did." He stopped speaking and began rubbing his hands over his face, a habit Bud knew he only exercised when he was incredibly tense. Harm took another deep breath, and began to speak, finding the words failed him.

"Whatever it is can't be that bad," Bud encouraged. "Go on."

"It is that bad," said Harm. "Annie's pregnant." He slumped against the back of his chair and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He hadn't told anyone until now, and having to say those words made his stomach churn.

"Oh shit!" was the only thing Bud could think of to say for a full minute until he asked. "Is it yours?"

"She claims it is," said Harm. "Says she got pregnant in Mexico and it has to be mine, but I've got a million doubts about the whole thing. I mean, I know I was pretty drunk...all right, I was officially three sheets to the wind, but even at that I could swear I was more careful than that."

"Harm..." Bud sighed. "I don't even know what to say about all this." He shook his head and dropped his pizza on his plate. "Are you going to have a paternity test?"

"Oh, you better believe I am!" exclaimed Harm. "She claims it's mine, claims her husband hasn't touched her in forever, but the wording of one comment she made set even more doubt into this disaster for me. She said she wouldn't have said anything to me about it if she 'didn't believe I was the father'. You and I both know that a sentence like that means there's some doubt involved, and damn it Bud I'm just not going to sit back and accept her word on this!"

"Good for you!" Bud cheered. "So what are you going to do?"

Harm sighed, "I have no idea."

"So I guess that's where Dr. Bud comes in," Bud sighed. "I think you have to tell Mac, now, before it's too late. I know I originally advised against it, but this is a different ballgame now. If you tell then Annie can't hold it over your head, like I know she's doing because that woman is nuts."

Harm replied with a half-hearted chuckle, "Nuts doesn't begin to cover it. I...I keep going over it all in my mind, listing all the reasons for and against telling Mac. I know the longer I keep it from her, the worse it'll be when she finds out, but it's not going to be good no matter when that happens. Annie assures me she won't hold it over my head or manipulate me with it, but she of course is, and it's probably just a matter of time before she drags Mac into it. In fact, there was a close call with that this morning, way too close."

"What happened this morning?" Bud asked, his curiosity and concern peaked.

"Annie called while I was in the shower," said Harm. "Called my cell phone and Mac took the call."

"Ohh," Bud groaned. "Any fireworks? I know it can't be too bad or you wouldn't be here to tell me about it."

"It went about as well as could be expected," replied Harm. "Annie told Mac that she thought she had called my 'private number', which of course set Mac off. When Mac asked her what she wanted, she fed her some line of crap about Josh wanting to talk to me about Naval Aviation for a project he was doing for school. I'm not sure Mac totally bought it, but it was enough to keep the conversation short, thank God."

"Did she call you again?" Bud asked. "Or was that aviation thing really true?"

"No, it was a total ruse," said Harm. "I called her after I got out of the shower, while Mac was getting dressed. She wanted to tell me that she's got an appointment for a sonogram next week and since I agreed to go to those-"

"Whoa!" Bud interjected. "Go back. You agreed to go to her sonograms?"

"I had to," insisted Harm, realizing how unbelievable the whole thing must have sounded to Bud. "She wanted me to agree to all kinds of things - being her Lamaze coach, going with her to all her appointments and stuff, and when I kept refusing, she grabbed her phone and threatened to call Mac right then and there. I was desperate, so we worked out a compromise."

"You wouldn't be desperate if you told the truth," Bud sighed. "You have to tell her, Harm. If it comes from you, like the Meg thing, you two can work it out."

"This is nothing like what happened with Meg," Harm sighed. "Even if it was, Mac's not the same woman she was then. This would rip her to pieces, Bud, I _can't_ tell her, as much as I want to sometimes."

Bud thought about that. The Colonel Mackenzie that had once been Major Mackenzie was not as hard as she was when they'd met. Marriage, children, they softened her, and her illness...that made her a lot more vulnerable than she was. Maybe Harm was right; he knew her best after all.

"You're right," Bud capitulated. "So what are you going to do? What was the 'compromise.'?"

"I agreed to go to two sonograms with her," he answered. "I told her she can call my cell phone - not the house phone, ever - if there's a major emergency, and that while I don't plan on being present for the birth, I want that paternity test run as soon as possible afterwards, and I want to see the results for myself, regardless of what they show."

"What if the baby is yours?" Bud asked. "What then?"

Harm picked up his drink, but was too upset to take a swallow. "If it is, then I'll do the right thing."

"Which would be?" Bud pressed.

"Shit," he muttered under his breath, clearly sickened over the whole matter. "I'd be as good a father to him or her as I could be, given the circumstances. I can't even begin to figure out how Mac would accept that baby, you know? Of all the cruel things life has thrown at her, that would be the ultimate blow - me having a baby with another woman while Mac's fighting that stupid disease and wants us to have another baby so badly it's breaking her heart." Saying those words reminded Harm of his recent discussion with Mac. He hadn't filled Bud in on that piece of good news and heaven knew he was entitled. "Did I tell you we decided to try for one more?"

Bud was glad the subject was changing. He was disillusioned with Harm for the indiscretion, but he honestly and rightfully believed that his mentor and friend only wanted to do what was best for his family after making such a terrible mistake.

"No," Bud replied. "Is that safe? I mean considering."

"Her doctor advised her of the risks," said Harm. "But she and I talked a lot about it and all. I'm pretty apprehensive after what happened before, but it means so much to her to at least try and see what might come of it, so against my better judgment, I agreed, with a few stipulations, though."

"Enlighten me," Bud requested, starting to eat his pizza again.

"I told her we have to wait until the doctor gives us the all-clear," said Harm, picking up his pizza, which was now stone cold. "That she needs to talk with him about other ways to deal with the disease, and that if anything even remotely close to what happened that one Friday night happens again, if what we're doing hurts her at all, we're done trying and we look very seriously into doing the hysterectomy."

"So you two haven't...since that night," Bud asked.

"Well..." hesitated Harm, swallowing a bite of pizza. "We weren't supposed to for at least another 4 weeks, but we got carried away on our anniversary. Stupid..."

"She seems okay, though. That's encouraging, right?" Bud asked hopeful.

Harm nodded. "Yeah, I guess. She was in a lot of pain this morning, though, no doubt a direct result of last night. It wasn't as bad as it has been in times past, though, which is good. Still, the fact that she was in any pain makes me feel terrible. We...we knew better than to do what we did, we just got so caught up in the moment. I'm not even sure exactly when things took that turn, I mean we even said after we got home from dinner that we couldn't do what we really wanted to because she wasn't healed enough, and then we did it anyway. I knew better, but..."

"But..." Bud urged. "I had to hear the bad stuff; I get to hear the good stuff too."

Harm smiled a little bit. "Okay...I don't know, I mean I knew better, my brain knew we weren't supposed to do that, but when it came right down to it, I just couldn't say no. She looked gorgeous, just gorgeous, and she actually initiated things and I just...I don't know, I hesitated, though, I did."

"How...I'm sorry I shouldn't be asking this, but knowing how protective, how over protective you can be, I'm wondering..." Bud blushed and studied his crust.

"Go ahead," urged Harm. "Nothing I can say you haven't heard before, Bud."

"How'd she do it?" he asked. "How did she...get you to...uh, crack?" He was redder that the tomato in his salad.

Harm blushed just a touch as he recounted the circumstances of the previous evening. "She'd kill me if she ever found out you knew so we'll say this, Mac knew just the right things to do and say to me last night. That and the look on her face when I told her that I didn't think it would be a good idea, did me in. She was so gentle and sweet and, long story short, one minute I was in the tub enjoying a relaxing massage and the next thing I know we're about to go at it on the bathroom floor."

"About to?" Bud asked.

"Yeah," replied Harm. "I hesitated, I was afraid of hurting her."

"But, I know there's a but," Bud said.

"Mm-hmm," said Harm. "She was sure it'd be okay. She wanted it so badly; I didn't have the heart to tell her no, even though I should have for any number of reasons. So, I...went ahead, and I know she knew I was holding back. I hated that, but..."

"But you did it anyway, and for the most part it worked out. Didn't it?" Bud asked, trying not to put any more guilt on his friend.

When Harm nodded, Bud said, "I'm glad for you, Harm. And I'm here for you through this. You know?"

"I know, Bud" he said. "And it means more to me than you could ever know. This could get rough, but knowing that you're here for me makes it just a little easier."

Meanwhile, Harriet, Mac and Lucy had finished their appointment and were now headed in the direction of the carousel. Lucy loved to ride it so Mac had bought her enough tickets for three rides around and stood with Harriet watching her.

"So," Harriet asked. "How was the anniversary last night?"

"It was...nice," answered Mac, a little smile creeping into her expression. "Nice..."

"I know that look," Harriet beamed. "What did he do? Did he get you stuck in the elevator again?"

"No," Mac chuckled. "Nothing like that. He took me to dinner at Constantine's, and we danced and he had them play special songs for me, it was so romantic."

"What songs? Cliché ones like "Wind Beneath my Wings" or something original?" Harriet pressed. "Come on I need details." She was practically bouncing.

"Calm down, girl," laughed Mac. "No, not "Wind Beneath My Wings," he was far more creative than that. The first one was "Because You Love Me;" you remember the country one that was our wedding song? Then after dinner we danced to "The Woman Behind The Man." I cried, it was so romantic and he was so sweet the entire night."

"That was nice. Did he get you a present too or just the dinner?" she pressed.

"He did get me a present," she added, holding her right hand out towards Harriet. "See?"

"Wow girl! That's gorgeous. That's a mother's ring isn't it?" Harriet asked. "Why are the stones so close together?"

"Mm-hmm, it is," answered Mac. "I've always loved yours and Harm knew that, so he got me one. He had it custom made with the stone spacing a lot smaller than usual because..." She looked up at her friend and smiled, "We're going to try to have one more baby."

Harriet didn't know what to say to that. She knew the extent of Mac's condition from the news she and Harm had shared with Bud and herself. She remembered holding her friend when she confessed that the doctor said more children would be nearly impossible so the news came as a bit of a shock. "But...I thought it would be impossible. Or at least...Harm told Bud..." Harriet stopped. She wasn't sure how to say this to her hopeful friend.

Mac nodded, knowing what Harriet was trying to say. "I know," she said. "I talked with the doctor about it the other day when I went for a consultation about having another laparoscopy, and he said it's a big risk, our chances aren't too good and his medical recommendation is still to have a hysterectomy and be done with the whole mess. However, on a personal level he said he understands why we feel we need to at least try and see if we're able to have another baby, and as long as we both understand all the risks involved, he's willing to support us."

"How does Harm feel about it? He's said to Bud that there's no way he'll get you pregnant again and having another baby isn't as important to him as you are...he's said it countless time," Harriet sighed. "To both of us. Did he change his mind?"

"Not without a ton of begging on my part," answered Mac. "But yes, he did. Well, he did but he put several conditions on it: We have to wait till the doctor says I'm healed enough from the miscarriage, I had to talk with the doctor about what the options were with regards to managing the endometriosis, which I just did, and the one he was most adamant about was if trying again hurts me physically at any point, we stop and look very seriously at the hysterectomy. I decided that all sounded fair, especially knowing how he really feels about it, knowing that he..." her voice trailed off a touch. "He really doesn't want to do it, but he's doing it for me."

"He loves you very much," Harriet smiled. "You are so lucky. Do you think you'll be able to handle...I mean after the last time?"

"Well consider last night…" Mac began, that wicked smile curling onto her lips again.

"What about last night? You didn't…did you?" Harriet asked.

Mac nodded and smiled. "Yeah, it wasn't smart, I mean we both knew better, but it happened anyway."

"And? Are you considering hysterectomy?" Harriet asked. "How are you?"

"I'm okay now," said Mac, waving to Lucy as the child came around on the carousel again. She noticed out of the corner of her eyes, that little girl was leaning her head against the mane of the horse she road on. She made a mental note to ask her about it and continued talking. "I had some nasty cramps this morning, which he knows about, and a little spotting, which he doesn't know about because it wasn't bad enough to tell him, but for now the operation is on the back burner. I know I'll have to have it eventually, but not yet, I'm just...not ready yet."

"I understand," Harriet nodded. "So...before we go over why the doctor wants to even do such a thing, let's talk about the rest of last night. How did you convince Commander straight laced to bend the rules?"

"It was as difficult as you might think," replied Mac. "But you've got to understand that neither one of us planned to let things go that far. When we got home from dinner, even talked about how sad it was that we couldn't, you know, do what we always did on our anniversary. We knew the limitations, but somehow..."

"Somehow?" Harriet pressed.

Mac sighed and continued. "Somehow, one minute I've got him in the bathtub with the special bath gels and different sponges and all, and I'm working on his feet, and the next thing I know he's out of the tub, my hot little nightie is on the other side of the room and we're on the floor about to go for it...just about, anyway."

Harriet's jaw dropped. "I knew those gels would be good for something? What do you mean just about?"

"He...wasn't too sure," said Mac. "I mean, he was sure he wanted to, but at the last second he froze up. I'm laying there after pretty much throwing myself at him, which I'll never understand why I did knowing that we weren't supposed to do that, I'm all set and ready and waiting, and he just stops..."

"Just like that?" Harriet sighed. "God love that man."

"I know." agreed Mac. "I managed to convince him that it'd be okay, that he wouldn't hurt me and he want on ahead with it, but even at that he was holding back. A lot."

"Oh," Harriet sighed. "That's so sweet. But he did uh, finish the job?"

"Ooooooh yeah," laughed Mac, nodding and smiling. "It hurt some, but not enough to ask him to stop, and not enough to ruin the night. We'd never done it on the bathroom floor before, so that made it pretty special even if it was 'forbidden'."

"I'm happy for you," Harriet said hugging her friend. "But if last night was so wonderful, why don't you tell me why your eyes aren't shining? You still in pain?"

"No, the pain's gone, thankfully," answered Mac, looking at Lucy come around again. "It's...there was a phone call this morning that's bugging me."

"Is something wrong?" Harriet asked. "Who was the call from?"

"Annie Pendry," replied Mac. "You remember Annie, don't you?"

"No one can forget Annie Pendry," Harriet sighed. "What did she want? Harm to talk Josh out of Annapolis again?"

"No," said Mac. "She claimed she needed to talk to Harm about speaking with Josh about naval aviation for a school project, but I think she was feeding me a line of crap because why would she need to call Harm's cell phone, which by the way she thought was his 'private number', for something like that? She was surprised when I was the one who answered his phone, and she didn't tell me the real reason she called, I'm sure she didn't."

"So if you don't think she was telling the truth, why do you think she called?" Harriet asked.

"That's what's bothering me," said Mac. "I don't know. I don't know why she'd call him like that, or why she didn't just call the house phone. I asked her that, by the way, why she didn't call the house, and she said Harm had told her not to because I might be resting and it would disturb me. Ridiculous."

"That does sound like Harm," Harriet sighed. "After the first time you got sick he told us not to call on the house phone."

"I asked him if he'd told her that," stated Mac. "He said yes, he'd asked her to call his phone because he didn't want the house phone ringing and disrupting things, but that...that just doesn't make sense either because people call that phone all the time and I can't think of a time it 'disrupted' anything. I just...something is not right about this whole thing and..."

"And?" Harriet prompted. "Tell me what you're thinking. I know that tone. Do you think she wants to make a move on him?"

Mac looked her friend in the eye. "I think she does...or maybe...maybe - I can't believe I'm saying this - maybe...she all ready did."

"Sarah," Harriet used her given name given the seriousness of the topic. "Do you think she...you told me that Annie and Harm talked in Mexico. Do you think she tried to you know, and that's what's bothering him?"

A wave of panic swept across Mac like the exhaust from a Tomcat afterburner. "I...I never connected the two...oh God, Harriet, what if she tried to...no! No, even if she did, no!"

"I'm not saying that he would...but maybe she pressed and he feels bad about it...Forget I said anything," Harriet waved her hand. "I'm being stupid."

"No you're not," said Mac, "in fact you're making a lot of sense, I mean we know she met up with him in Mexico, we know she's been hung up on him since the day they met..." Mac was rambling on and on, her fears taking over her mind and heart.

"Whoa! Slow down," Harriet instructed. "Even if Annie came on to him, he loves you he wouldn't give into her. What can she give him that you can't?"

"Two months ago," said Mac, conviction mounting in her voice. "A lot! Damn it - I'm not saying he'd do it and I'm not even sure she came on to him, but knowing how she is it wouldn't surprise me in the least. Maybe...maybe she tried to reel him in down there and he refused, but she's not giving up? Yeah, maybe..."

"And maybe you and I are both losing it," Harriet sighed. "I mean has Harm done anything that would suggest he's been..." Harriet didn't even know how to word it. "Not that he did something but I think he'd be guilty even if she tried to do something...Am I making sense?"

Mac nodded. "He's been different since he got back; you and I have talked about that before. I asked him about it last night and he said it was because he saw so many families down there with more kids than they could possibly care for, and all these babies that had such a sad life, and of course knowing how much we want another one, he said it was hard for him to not be able to fix that, to make all those wrongs right. I...I believe him, I mean, why would he lie about that, you know?"

"He wouldn't lie about that," Harriet assured her. "But listen, if this Annie thing is really bothering you, there's probably a reason," Harriet sighed. "I just don't know what it could be."

"Me either," said Mac. "But I'll tell you this much, that witch best not call my husband again on his 'private number' for anything, or I just may be forced to drag her ass behind a barn and teach her a lesson or two!"

"That a girl!" Harriet encouraged. "That's the Marine we love!"

Mac looked at the carousel again and saw it had stopped. Lucy had one more ride left but instead of waiting she slid off her horse and was fast approaching her mother, her face looking paler than before.

"What is it, Luce?" asked Mac as her daughter approached.

"I want to see Daddy," Lucy told her mother and nestled close. "My head is hurting."

"Okay, sweetie," said Mac, feeling the child's forehead. "You don't feel warm. Does your tummy hurt, too?"

She shook her head. "No, just my head. Right here," the child pointed to the side of her head.

"Do you want to sit on a bench with Mommy while I get Uncle Bud and your Daddy or do you want to go up to the Food Court with us?" Harriet asked dropping so she was eye level with the child.

"I wanna go find Daddy," said Lucy, her voice beginning to waver a little bit.

"Here, take Mommy's hand," said Mac, holding her hand out to the little girl. "We'll go find Daddy."

Lucy shook her head and pulled a bit on Mac's leg looking up at her mother with wide blue eyes. Her eyes were dark underneath and looked almost like they'd been bruised.

"You want me to carry you, Baby?" asked Mac. She knew she shouldn't lift that much weight, but at that point she didn't care.

The little girl nodded again and lifted up her arms. "Mac, are you sure it's a good idea?" Harriet asked. "I could do it if..."

"Here, can you take my purse?" asked Mac, holding the bag out towards Harriet before picking Lucy up. "I think I've got her, I'll be okay, it's not too far."

Harriet was skeptical but she knew the mother's instinct to care for ones own child was too strong to listen to reasonable argument. She took the bag and walked next to Sarah and Lucy. About five minutes after they started walking, Lucy had fallen asleep against Mac's shoulder.

"So…you never did tell me why the doctor suggested hysterectomy?" Harriet reminded her one she noticed Lucy was sleeping.

Mac sighed. "Because the endometriosis has progressed," she said. "And when he was examining me the Monday after the miscarriage and I thought I would die right there on the table because of the pain, he said it would be the best option. Obviously, you can tell that I didn't take too readily to that, considering we're now planning on trying to get pregnant again, but like I told you the doctor still feels it'd be the best thing in the long run."

"Did he let Harm stay with you during the exam? A friend of mine uses Dr. Bradley and she says he can be, well, she says he can be very indelicate. I think she sued him for something," Harriet said.

"He let Harm stay," Mac replied. "And I'm not surprised that someone wanted to sue him, he's a jerk but he's also the best endometriosis specialist in the Metro area. For that, I'll take a jerk. Harm called him to task after the exam was over and I was in so much pain, and he'd tried to say it was because I was 'uncooperative'. He changed his tune pretty quick!"

"I would imagine so...I remember the time in Australia when Commander Brumby...let's say forgot you were married," Harriet laughed. "If only Harm broke Mic's jaw instead of Bud's." She laughed. "Speaking of which, don't they..." She pointed to the rest of their brood. "Belong to us?"

Mac looked towards the area Harriet was pointing, and saw Harm chasing DJ around a table, trying to get his sippy cup from him before he could try to toss it over the side of the railing to the ground below, something the tot had done before. "Yep" she said, "they're mine! Let's go rescue Daddy..."

Lucy stirred in her sleep on Mac's shoulder at the word Daddy. "I want to see Daddy, Mommy," she whimpered. "My head is hurting really bad."

"Bud Roberts!" Harriet called in her "mother's voice" when she saw her husband and Jimmy sneaking up on little AJ poised to tickle the five year old.

"Mommy!" exclaimed little AJ, running towards her. "I missed you!"

"Hey," Harriet hugged her son. "Were you a good boy for Daddy?"

Meanwhile Harm, who had managed to secure DJ's cup and hand noticed his wife trailing behind Harriet, carrying Lucy in her arms.

"Yes, Ma'am," he replied. "But DJ was bad, he didn't listen to Uncle Harm like he was supposed to!"

Harriet laughed and looked over at Harm, who with his flailing son tucked under his arm was rapidly making his way towards his wife and daughter.

"What's wrong?" he asked Mac as soon as he was within earshot. "What happened?"

"She says she has a headache," Mac replied. "She wants you."

Harm sat DJ down on the ground, "Sit right there, please," he asked the toddler as he handed him back his sippy cup. "Here's your juice." Turning his attention to his daughter, "Come here, Button," he said, reaching out to take her from her mother. "What's wrong?" he asked, kissing the top of her head.

Lucy buried her forehead in the side of Harm's neck. "My head is hurting," she told him. "I want you to fix it."

It broke his heart to hear her say that. "Well baby, I can't fix it here, but we can go home and Daddy can get you some medicine and lay down with you and take a nap that should make it all better. Do you want to do that?"

She shook her head no and burrowed tighter.

"Okay," he said, holding her a little tighter. "Tell Daddy what you want. What would make you feel better?"

Lucy didn't answer, she just began to cry.

"Hey, hey, shh..." said Harm, gently rubbing his little girl's back. "We need to get her home," he said, turning towards Mac, who was now keeping DJ corralled as best she could in such a wide open space. "If she's coming down with something, I don't want the other kids to get it."

"I don't know..." Mac sighed. "She was fine when she went on the carousel...DJ come back now," she said switching her tone from soft and concerned to sharp and insistent like only a mother could.

The little boy was a good 20 feet away from the group, looking over his shoulder as he ran, almost taunting them to come and get him. Harm would have gone after him, but he didn't want to put Lucy down, so he had to let Mac take care of the boy herself.

Mac of course was still a match for her two year old son. She ran after him and stood glaring at him, hands on her hips. "David Jonathan you have until three to come here. One..." She began counting.

The boy looked at her, daring her to keep counting. He was, after all, Harm's son and as such he had a way of driving Mac crazy sometimes, though she loved him to bits and pieces.

"Two..." she said after about five seconds had passed.

DJ looked at her, knowing that if she got to "Three", he'd find himself strapped into his stroller faster than he could even think about getting away. Slowly, he began to run back towards his mother.

Mac leaned down and took his hand when he reached her. "Good boy," she praised him. "Let's go see Daddy."

"Daddy!" exclaimed the boy, a perfect flyboy smile on his chubby face.

"That's right," Mac said pointing to where Harm and Harriet were comforting Lucy. DJ's smile faded when he saw that, "Mama, Lulu booboo?"

"Yes, Lucy's got a booboo," answered Mac softly. "But we'll go home and she'll be okay. Can you get into your stroller for Mommy, please?"

"Walk!" DJ insisted. "Lulu stwower," he told Mac.

"Oh sweetie," said Mac. "That's very nice that you want to share with your sister like that, but she's too big for your stroller. Do you want to help Mommy push it to the car? Can you be my big helper?"

DJ nodded and walked with Mac to where his father and sister were sitting. Harm looked distressed and Harriet looked worried. "Let's get our things together and go home," Mac said, reaching out to rub her daughter's hair. "You'll feel better then, okay?"

Lucy leaned into her daddy's chest and began to wail again.

"I know, baby, you don't feel good," he said, rocking her gently as he held her close. "We're going to go home and Daddy will make you feel all better, okay?" He hoped he could make good on that last part.

Lucy continued to sniffle in Harm's shirt and clung tighter.

"Come on, Honey," Mac said. "Let's just go to the car. Maybe she'll nap on the way home."

Harm carefully stood up with Lucy. "Sorry we have to cut it short, guys," he said to Bud and Harriet. Then to Mac, "Can you take her for a sec while I put my coat on?"

"No problem," said Harriet. "I just hope she feels better. We have to get going anyway."

Mac reached out and took Lucy from Harm. The child battled a bit at being taken from her father's strong arms but soon settled into her mother's chest, forehead against Mac's neck. "Harm?"

"What?" he asked as he zipped the front of his bomber jacket.

"I think she's getting warm," Mac told him. Lucy's forehead felt warmer than it had before.

Harm reached his hand up to touch Lucy's forehead. "Oh yeah, she's warmer than before. Come on, we've got to get her home."

"Call us later and let us know how she is," Bud said, as he helped AJ with his jacket. "See you Monday."

"Okay, thanks Bud," said Harm, looking at his friend in a way that said he meant that thanks in more ways than one.

"Do you think we should give her the Children's Tylenol now or wait until we get home?" Mac asked.

"Better wait," said Harm. "You know how upset she gets when she gets sick to her stomach; we don't want that in the car."

"Mama, go!" DJ exclaimed, deciding he'd been patient far too long.

"We're going, Honey," Mac replied. To Harm, "Okay, but I don't want to let her temp get too high." She was starting to worry; he could tell by the way she was fidgeting.

"She'll be okay till we get home," he said as he took Lucy back into his arms and draped her jacket over the top of her.

Harm carried Lucy while Mac filled the stroller with their purchases and helped DJ steer it through the corridors. They reached their truck and Mac secured DJ in his seat before securing the packages in the back. Harm stayed with Lucy, adjusting her on his hip to open her door and put her in her booster seat.

"Okay Button, Daddy needs you to sit in your seat."

Lucy clung tighter if that was possible, "No," she whimpered. "I wanna stay with you."

Harm sighed, his heart breaking over Lucy's discomfort. "You know you have to sit in your seat when we ride in the car, Baby. We'll be home really soon and Daddy will carry you into the house and we'll lie down on the couch together, just you and me, and it'll make you feel better, okay?"

Lucy's grip relented a bit. Before she let go she looked at him with glassy blue eyes, "Promise?"

He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, noticing how warm it was. "Promise."

Both Rabb children fell asleep fairly quickly once the car got underway. Harm drove faster than normal, but within a safe speed considering everything he loved was in that car. Mac continued to fidget with her wedding ring turning around every two minutes to check on her little girl.

"She feels horrible, Harm," Mac told him sadly, eyes looking at their daughter.

He nodded. "She'll be okay, Babe. Kids catch things; it's all part of growing up."

"This came on her so fast though. She was fine before I put her on that carousel. And when we left for you she was cool as a cucumber." She turned her mother's ring this time.

"She's had fevers hit her like that before," said Harm. "Remember that one when she was about 3 or so, I swear within 5 minutes she went from fine to firecracker."

"And do you remember what a wreck I was then?" she asked. "If it wasn't for you I'd never have gotten through that."

He reached over, his thumb caressing the back of her left hand as he held it in his right. "You did better than you give yourself credit for. Try not to worry too much, Mac. I know it's hard, I mean I'm worried about her too, but we'll get her home and give her some Tylenol and I'll lay with her on the couch like I promised her, and if she's not better by morning, we'll call the pediatrician."

"What if it's like that time with DJ? He went from fine to the PICU in 10 hours. This is only the third time she's been sick and I hate it, I really hate it," she declared as if he didn't. "How can you be so calm about it?"

"I'm only calm on the outside, sweetie," he said. "Inside, I'm just as concerned as you are, believe me. I just find I deal better with things like this if I keep cool about them, when I can anyway."

"Like this morning," she asked. "It was like..." She stopped and turned to check Lucy again.

"Hmm?" asked Harm. "Like what?"

"Like...like it was part of the drill. Like...ignore me, I'm just getting emotional."

He couldn't ignore her, he knew something was up and he needed to know what. "I don't want to ignore you, Mac," he said. "If something I did didn't seem right to you, please, I want to know about it. Did I seem like I didn't care that you were having pain? Is that it?"

"I know you cared, Honey. But it was like you were flying on the autopilot, no big deal, same old, same old. I'm thinking that this thing is becoming a terrible burden on you. I didn't imagine those knots in your back and shoulders last night."

"No, the knots were there, I can't deny that," he agreed. "But..." He struggled to find the right words. "The situation, yeah maybe it's wearing on me, but that doesn't, by any means whatsoever, mean that you are a burden. Of course, he knew there was so much more weighing on him than just Mac's illness.

"If this gets to be too much for you, I want you to tell me," she said. "I've been really needy and clingy and I'm sorry. You don't ever go out with Bud and AJ as much as you used to."

"That's not your fault though" he said. "Life's just gotten busy, none of us have the time for socializing like we used to. Why should I get to say that this is 'too much' for me when you don't get that luxury? Why should I be able to go out and have fun and escape it when you don't get to do that?"

"Because this is not your problem," she replied. "And it's not always bad, I have a lot of days when I'm fine, but I have been thinking about something...I know now is not the time to discuss it but...I'm thinking about resigning my commission."

"What?" he exclaimed a bit louder than intended. "You're not serious, are you?"

"I am," Mac nodded. "I want to spend more time at home with the kids. We've been lucky with trips and TADs, but...we never know that both of us won't be sent out of town at the same time," she reminded him.

"No, but that's no reason to resign your commission, Mac," he said. "We talked about all this before Lucy was born, and when you transferred to the SecNav's office. We talked about how we'd handle it if we both had to be gone at the same time, and I didn't think any of that had changed."

"I'm not set on it, yet," she told him. "But if I decide to do it, it's not because I have to, it's because I want to."

He sighed. "Okay. We need to talk more about this later, though. Anything this big we need to decide on together, right?"

"Right," she agreed. "I just want to let you know I was thinking about it."

"Nothing wrong with that, babe" he replied as he pulled into the driveway of their home and parked the truck. "You wanna get him, I'll get her?"

"Yeah," Mac sighed. "She's getting pretty heavy for me to carry around."

"You didn't hurt yourself carrying her through the mall, did you?" he asked as he opened the back door to get Lucy.

"It pulled a bit," Mac replied. "My back is still sore, but she's worth it you know?"

"Of course she is," he answered. "But you have to be careful...granted we let that notion fly right out the window last night, but still."

"Last night was worth it too," she replied and removed DJ from his car seat. "Come on Little Sailor," she crooned hoping he'd stay asleep. "We're home."

Lucy stirred when she felt Harm's touch, "Daddy?" She half whimpered, half moaned.

"Ssh, I've got you, Button," he said softly. "We're home. Your head still hurt?"

"Mmhmm," she said. "All of me does."

"Okay," he said, rubbing her back a bit. "Let's go inside and get some medicine, and then you and Daddy will lay down and rest, just like I promised."

He carried her inside and took her to her room. Mac had put DJ in his bed and returned to check on her daughter. "Here's the Tylenol, Harm. See if she'll take it."

"Thanks," he said, taking the bottle from her and shaking out two chewable tablets. "Lucy Bear, I need you to take this for me, okay?"

"I don't like those," she told him.

This was going to be a battle. "I know you don't, Luce," he said. "But they'll make your head feel better. Will you take them for me, please?"

"I don't need those," she whimpered. "You can fix it."

Ouch. How could he get her to understand that she needed the medicine if she wanted to feel better? Then it dawned on him.

"Do you want some juice instead?" he asked her. When she nodded, he discreetly slipped the tablets he was holding into Mac's hand as she went to get their little girl some juice. They sometimes had to resort to grinding up the Tylenol and hiding it in a couple swallows worth of juice to get her to take it. Sneaky, but effective.

"After you drink your juice," he said to Lucy as she sat in his lap, leaning against his chest. "Daddy will sing your song, would you like that?"

Mac got Lucy her favorite juice and ground up the tablets. She returned to Lucy's room and handed Harm the cup just before he asked her the question. "Do you want Mommy to help you put your PJs on before Daddy sings to you?"

The little girl nodded as she took the juice cup from her daddy.

She finished the juice in a few gulps, then Mac leaned over to pry her off of Harm's chest. "Let's get you changed Sweetie," Mac told her. "You'll be more comfortable. Harm, can you get me the thermometer?"

Harm retrieved the ear scan thermometer from the medicine cabinet and rinsed out Lucy's glass. He went and got the extra blanket from the blanket box along with a pillow and got the couch ready. Once that was done he went back to Lucy's room and knocked on the door.

"You ready to lay down with me, sweetheart?" he asked Lucy.

Mac opened the door to let him in. She'd put on Lucy's Pooh PJs and had given her stuffed bear. "Get her temp first, Harm," Mac told him. Lucy had all ready lifted her arms up to signal Harm to carry her.

"I'll hold her while you get it," offered Harm, reaching down to pick up his daughter.

Mac nodded and placed the wand inside Lucy's ear. She pressed the button and looked at the readout. "101.2," Mac told him. "What about a cold cloth?"

Lucy just blinked her eyes a couple of times, too tired to say anything.

"Sure," said Harm. "I'm gonna take her out there, try and get her settled."

"Okay, you feel better Sweetheart," Mac said and kissed her hot forehead.

Harm carried Lucy out to the couch and sat down. He situated himself on the sofa then pulled her back against his chest, letting her rest her head against him. "I love you, Daddy," she said into the material. "I want to go to sleep but I can't cause it hurts."

"Why don't you close you eyes" he said. "And I'll sing you your song?"

She closed her eyes as Harm stroked her hair and began to sing Sarah Smile very softly. In five minutes, Lucy was asleep.

Mac listened to Harm singing to their daughter, stroking her hair. That was the song he'd sang to her when Lucy was kicking hard at night, it was the one he sang that awful night on the bathroom floor. When he stopped singing she approached the pair and lifting his feet so they could rest in her lap, she said, "Here's the cloth."

He smiled. "Kind of don't need it anymore," he whispered. "But thanks. How are you feeling?"

"I'm tired," she said. "And I'm worried about my baby girl. I think we should call her doctor today, maybe we should...I don't know how to make her better."

Mac was such a concerned mother that was just one of the many things he loved about her. "Why don't we wait and see how she feels when she wakes up?" suggested Harm. "If she's not any better, we'll call."

"Okay, it's Saturday anyway," she sighed and started to rub the bottom of his foot. "Did you call your mother call today?"

"No, I sure didn't," he said. "Was I supposed to?"

"I thought maybe she'd have called with information about Grams," Mac said, and continued to rub his foot. "How's that feel?"

"Mmmm... great," he said. "No, she hasn't called and I didn't think to call her, but I will after the little one here wakes up, or you can call her if you want to."

"Did you check our messages?" Mac asked moving to his other foot.

"Nope," he replied. "Didn't even think about it when we got home."

Mac turned and stretched to see if the machine light was blinking. "The light is flashing," she told him. "Lift up your feet and I'll play it back."

He did as she asked, allowing her to slide off the couch. She went to the answering machine and pressed the playback button.

"You have three messages," the robotic voice said. "First message. Hi, Honey, it's Mom. Call me at Grams when you get this."

"Next message. Commander Rabb, its General Cresswell. I need to see you Monday at 0800. It's urgent."

"Next message. Harm, Sarah, its Mom again. Remember to call us. Bye."

"I wonder what the General wants with me that he'd call at home on a Saturday?" pondered Harm.

"However I guess a more pressing matter would be calling my mom. You want to do that? I don't want to wake her," he said, nodding down at Lucy.

"Sure, Honey," she replied dialing the phone. "Do you want to talk?"

"If she needs to talk to me, I will" he answered. "Otherwise, tell her I'll check with her after awhile."

"Is she any warmer?" she asked nodding to Lucy.

Harm felt the child's face gently as she lay sleeping on his chest. "Doesn't feel like it to me, but even with the Tylenol she's probably not going to cool off much as long as she's laying on top of me. I don't want to put her down, though. I promised her I'd hold her, so I will. She'll be fine."

She answered on the third ring. "Hi, Mom, it's Sarah," Mac greeted. "We just got your messages. How's Grams?" A pause. "Well that's good right?" Another pause. "We're fine. Lucy's coming down with something we think but Harm's cuddling with her so she's doing all right now." Yet another pause, "When's Grams coming home?" A beat. "Well that's good," she replied. When Trish asked to talk to Harm, Mac sighed, "Hold on. Honey, she wants to talk to you."

He shifted Lucy just enough so he could get the phone against his ear. "Okay," he said, reaching out for the handset.

"Hi, Honey," Trish greeted. "I hear you have a sick baby over there."

"Yeah, I do" he said, keeping his voice down. "She's asleep for the time being, though. What's up on your end? How's Grams?"

"She's doing better. They say it was some kind of chemical imbalance. They're keeping her until tomorrow just to be safe," Trish replied. "I'm sorry I scared you last night. I hope I didn't ruin your anniversary."

"No, not at all," he said. "I'm glad you called, I always like to know when anything happens with Grams. Are you and Frank staying in Belleville much longer?"

"Only a few more days," she replied. "There is such a difference between yesterday and today, anyway, you know your grandmother, doesn't want a fuss made over her," Trish replied. "Is Sarah still there?"

"Yeah" he answered. "You want to speak at her again?"

"No, no," Trish said. "I just wanted to know how she's been doing. I ask and she says fine. How is she?" Trish was very concerned about her daughter in law, not only for Sarah's sake, but her son's as well.

Harm glanced around and saw Mac was in the kitchen, relatively out of earshot. "She's doing well" he said, "all things considered, I suppose. The last couple of weeks have been pretty hard on her, but she's better now."

"You don't sound sure of that," Trish replied. "Is the pain getting worse?"

"It's more frequent," he replied. "We're managing."

"Good, I'm glad," Trish replied. "Now what's wrong with my grandbaby? She almost never gets sick."

"We're not sure," he said, looking down at Lucy still sleeping soundly. "We were at the mall today and she complained of a headache, and by the time we got home she said all of her hurt, so we gave her some Tylenol and I'm laying here on the couch with her. Probably just a bug, I mean all kids get sick sometimes."

"Yes they do," Trish sighed. "I just don't like to hear one of my babies doesn't feel well. Tell her Grandma and Grandpa love her okay? And kiss DJ and Sarah for us."

"Will do, Mom," he said. "Give Grams and Frank our love, okay?"

"I will. We'll come see you soon, okay?" Trish asked.

"That'd be great," he answered. "Talk to you later, I love you."

"I love you too," Trish replied. "Bye now."

"Bye, mom." He pressed the button on the phone and laid it on the floor beside the couch.

"Feel better now?" Mac asked as she rejoined her husband handing him a glass of Iced tea.

"Yeah" he replied, taking the glass from her. "Grams is doing better, should be going home tomorrow."

"That's good news," she replied. "Do you want to put her in bed? That's not a great position for you."

She thought for a moment. "I promised her I'd lay out here with her, though. If she wakes up in her bed, she'll go bananas."

Mac smiled at him and leaned over to kiss him on the lips, "Have I told you lately what a great Dad you are?"

He smiled in return, masking the twinge of guilt in his heart. "Not unless you count just now."

She ran a gentle hand down his cheek, "I love you."

He took her hand and gently kissed the back. "I love you, too."

Harm pulled into the driveway Monday evening after a particularly tough day at the office. Two senior attorneys were out sick, which meant the docket was ten times as full. The low point of the day, however, came during his meeting with the General regarding the urgent phone message from the weekend. He was being sent away again, this time only to Philadelphia, but still the timing stunk and he didn't want to go.

He opened the door and was met with the smell of roast chicken and garlic mashed potatoes. "Hey, I'm home," he called tiredly.

"We're in here," Mac called from DJ's room.

"Hey, Babe," he greeted. "How was your day?"

"Busy," she answered. She was a legal advisor to the SecNav, which kept her as busy as anything she did at JAG, but the travel schedule was far easier on her. "I think I spent a grand total of 12 minutes at my desk today, the rest of it, take your pick between the SevNav's office, the board room, the library and the bathroom."

"Bathroom?" he queried.

"As in too much coffee," she laughed, knowing he was worried about her. "Way too much coffee!"

"That's not good for you, Marine," he scolded gently. "How's my big man?" he asked reaching out for DJ.

"He's fine," said Mac as she tossed the child's shoes onto the floor beside his bed. "He and Lucy helped me mash the potatoes for dinner, didn't you, big boy?"

"Mash," DJ squealed and smiled.

"How's Lucy?" Harm asked. The little girl had perked up Sunday and had gone to school, but Harm was still concerned as was Mac.

"She seems okay today," answered Mac. "I talked with her teacher and the school nurse to let them know what happened Saturday. They kept her somewhat still at recess and said if she felt sick at all she could go lie down in the nurse's office, but she did great. I hope she's over whatever it was."

"Me too," he sighed. "Listen, I have something to tell you. Can we go in the kitchen?"

"Is everything okay at work?" asked Mac as she opened the oven door to check on the chicken.

"Yeah," he sighed. "Except the General is sending me to the Philadelphia Navy Yard for a few days. I leave tonight."

"Tonight?" exclaimed Mac. "What's the urgency?"

"Sexual harassment complaint by a civilian," he sighed. "She claims a Petty Officer off the USS Meadowbrook made a move on her, tried to proposition her to have sex. Cresswell wants it handled ASAP."

"I see," she said. "How long will you be gone?"

"Couple days," Harm replied. "I hope that I'll get some time to see Grams while I'm there."

"That'd be nice, yeah," said Mac, knowing how much Harm wanted to see his grandmother. "I'll manage here just fine as long as you're back before my next cycle starts."

"Those are pretty unpredictable though," he sighed. "I'll do my best to wrap it up, but you call Harriet and Bud for help if you need to."

"I will" she assured him. "Can you go help the kids wash up for dinner, please? It's just about ready."

"Do you want me to tell Lucy?" he asked. Lucy hated it when he was away.

Mac sighed. "Probably better, it's not like she won't know you're gone."

Harm nodded and went to Lucy's room where she was playing with DJ. "Hi, Button. Let's get washed up okay?"

"Okay, Daddy," said the little girl. "I feel better today. My head and the rest of me, too."

"I'm glad," he smiled and walked behind his children as he ushered them to the bathroom. "Lucy," he said as he lifted her to the sink, "Daddy has to go away for a few days."

"I don't want you to go away," she said as he chin began to quiver.

"I know, and I don't want to go, but sometimes Daddy has to go away," he told her. "Don't cry."

"Are you going very far away this time?" she asked through her sniffles as she looked up at her father.

"No, I'm only going to Pennsylvania, near where Great Grandma lives," Harm replied. "I should be back in less than a week." He put her down and lifted DJ up.

"Daddy bye bye?" he asked and Harm nodded. "I'm going to need both of you to make me promises okay?"

Lucy nodded and continued to cry. For a 5 year old she possessed a remarkable ability to keep her crying in check most of the time, but when it came to her daddy leaving, she fell apart every time.

"Okay," he set DJ down and helped him dry his hand. Then he knelt in front of Lucy and wiped her tears with his thumb, "I'm going to need you to help Mommy and take care of her for me, okay? Can you be Daddy's helpers and do that?"

"Okay," she said, giving her daddy a hug. "I'll help take care of mommy and DJ, too. I'll be good, I promise."

"That's my girl," he smiled. "Ready for some dinner?" he asked keeping his voice upbeat. It broke his heart to see his babies cry and know he caused it, even inadvertently.

"Uh-huh," she said as the three headed towards the dining room. "We're having mashed potatoes, and DJ and I helped mommy make them!"

"I heard," Harm smiled as they reached the table. He lifted DJ and put him in his seat. "I can't wait to try them."

After dinner, the children were sent off to play again while Mac put the dishes in the sink to soak and Harm went to the bedroom to throw a few things together. He had to leave the house in less than an hour.

"I'm going to miss you," said Mac as she laid a shirt into the suitcase.

"I know," he told her. "I'm going to miss you too. But I won't be gone very long."

She nodded. "I suppose one can safely assume no one else could have taken this case?"

"They want someone who's good with the press, just in case," he replied. "That and I chose this case. I had my choice and I chose this one."

"Grams?" asked Mac, figuring that's why he'd want to go to Pennsylvania.

"Partly, also I had absolutely no desire to be on a Jagman investigation in country in Iraq," he replied.

"Oh, God no!" agreed Mac. It was bad enough he had to go to anywhere at all, but she knew this was a lot better than if he'd been sent to Iraq.

"That's why it's Pennsylvania," he replied. "I'm going to have to worry about Cresswell though. I'm not sure he'll be as sympathetic as AJ was when it comes to in country investigations," he replied.

"They're two very different creatures, aren't they?" asked Mac, tossing a couple pair of socks into the suitcase as Harm pulled uniforms from the closet, one at a time, and laid on the bed the ones he needed to pack. Between two sets of dress blues was what appeared to be an empty hanger. He reached for it to put it back in the closet, and realized it wasn't empty at all. It held a pair of his suntan pants, clean and pressed, but no shirt. He was puzzled for a split second, until he remembered what happened to that shirt. It was the shirt he'd worn that awful night in Mexico, the shirt that had Annie's nasty pink lipstick on the collar, the shirt he'd hidden from Mac the day he came home...and forgotten about until now.

Hastily, he took the partial uniform and went to put it back in the closet, hoping Mac didn't notice.

No such luck. "Honey, what happened to the shirt that goes with those pants?" she asked.

"Huh?" he replied, deciding, for lack of a better instant response, to play dumb.

"The shirt to that set of pants," she pointed at the lonely pants. "Where is it?"

"Oh, that," he said, looking at the pants in his hand. "Good question, must have gotten lost at the cleaners. I'll check with them when I get back home, wouldn't be the first time they messed my uniforms up." He felt like the slimiest worm on the earth as he returned the pants to the closet. If circumstances were different right then, if he had the time, he would've gladly come clean about Annie then and there just to get it over with and get the monkey off his back. He thought back for a second to where that shirt was at, and it didn't take him long to remember. He didn't have time to try and get to it just then, not to mention Mac was right there, but he made a mental note to dig it out as soon as he got back from Pennsylvania.

"Probably," she sighed. "They lost my most comfortable skirt once, never did get it back," she laughed. "Well, no harm. How many pairs of boxers and socks do you think you'll need?"

"A weeks worth," he answered. "Don't plan to be gone that long, but just in case."

"Okay," she replied. "I hope you aren't gone that long, you're birthday is next week and I have a surprise for you."

"Do you now?" he asked, breaking away from the packing to embrace his wife. "Will we be 'allowed' by then to try and out do our anniversary, medically speaking?"

"No," she replied truthfully. "Not until Thanksgiving, but it didn't hurt the last time."

He looked her in the eye. "Mac, you know that's not entirely true. Remember the next morning?"

"I do, but that morning was worth every second of the previous night," she replied leaning up to kiss him.

"Mac…" he began.

"Ssh," she hushed him. "You said it yourself, it was too beautiful. Now finish packing, you know how long it takes you to get out the door for TADs."

"Okay," he said with a little smile and another gentle kiss. "What are the kids doing? They've been a little too quiet for comfort."

"I better go check on them," she sighed. "I'll have them lined up in ten so step on it Sailor."

Mac left Harm to check on their children. She found them in Lucy's room, diligently building themselves a Lego city. More accurately, Lucy was building the city, while DJ was just building.

"It's almost time to say goodbye to Daddy," Mac told them from the doorway. "You're going to be Mommy's little Marines right? That'll make it nice and easy for Daddy to go do his job." She knelt down near her children. She knew Harm's trips ripped them apart.

"Yes, Mommy," answered Lucy sadly. "How many more minutes can I build?"

"About five," she replied. "But how about after Daddy leaves and DJ goes to sleep you and Mommy have some girl time? Would you like that?" Mac asked, brushing back a strand of Lucy's hair.

"Mm-hmm," replied the little girl. "Can we make popcorn?"

"Sure, but I was thinking more along the lines of ice cream sundaes," Mac laughed and tickled Lucy's sides.

"Stop it, Mommy!" squealed the little girl. "That tickles!"

"I know," Mac laughed. "Now, let's get ready to say bye to Daddy. We have to be nice and strong okay?"

"I will," said Lucy, abandoning her Lego city for the time being. "DJ, come on," she said. "We hafta go tell Daddy bye-bye."

DJ took his sister's hand and Mac ushered them out to the living room. Harm had just finished packing and was entering from the master bedroom at the same time. It seemed that the entire family, even Colleen, knew Harm was about to go away. She came inside through her dog door and sat next to Mac's feet.

"Okay, troops," said Harm, kneeling down to his children's eye level. "Who wants the first hug?"

"I think smallest to largest would be best," Mac suggested.

"Sounds good to me," he replied. Looking at his son, "Come here, you little munch monster!" He scooped the toddler up in his arms and swung him around until he laughed. "Will you be daddy's big boy while I'm gone?"

"Daddy no bye bye," DJ said sadly, his little lip quivering. "Daddy home Mommy."

"I'll be back before you even know I'm gone, pal" he said, wrapping the boy in a solid hug. "Can I have kisses?"

DJ leaned and placed a wet open kiss on his Daddy's cheek. "Daddy Mommy, big boy," he told him in his toddler English.

"You are Mommy's big boy," said Harm. "And you're daddy's big boy, too. I love you and I'll be back real soon, okay?"

"Kay," he replied and toddled over to his mother and clung to her legs.

"Got hugs for me, Lucy Bear?" he asked, looking into the eyes of his 5-year-old.

She reached out and hugged her father. "I'm going to miss you," she told him. "But I'll take care of Mommy. Don't worry."

"That's my good girl," he said, hugging her tight. "I love you, Button, and I'll be back as soon as I can, I promise."

She clung a bit tighter for a minute than moved away. DJ was crying now, pretty loudly and hiding behind Mac's legs. Lucy reached over and patted his head. "Its okay, DJ. Daddy promised he'll be home soon and he never breaks his promises."

Harm felt like someone had just kicked him in the heart. In his children's eyes, he could do no wrong and his word was as good as gospel. If only his life were actually that perfect. "Looks like it's Mommy's turn" he said, forcing himself out of the sad line of thought that was sucking him in.

"No long faces, Sailor," she scolded. "It's only for a week. You've been gone longer than that," she reminded him. "Make sure you stop by and see Grams."

"Hopefully it's less than a week," he said. "And yes, I'll make sure I see Grams. I'm going to miss you like crazy."

"Me too," she replied. "Hold me a minute?" she asked.

He silently pulled her as close to himself as he could, taking in everything about her. He sighed deeply, "You sure you'll be okay by yourself?"

"I always have been," she replied. "I'm not broken you know?"

"No, you're not, baby," he said. "But I still worry about you when I'm away. I'll call every day though, and you know how to get me if you need to."

"I do, and you better call everyday," she warned. "Or your six will be on the couch when you get home."

"Hey," he laughed. "I've never had to sleep on the couch yet, have I? Don't worry, Marine, I'll follow orders." He summed it up with a killer smile, the kind that still made her weak in the knees and made her insides melt like ice cream on a hot summer day.

"Kiss for your departing Sailor?" he asked.

Mac smiled and leaned up to kiss him passionately. "I love you. You be careful," she told him.

"Always," he replied. When the kiss broke, he noticed Colleen still sitting at Mac's feet. "Hey girl," he said, kneeling down to pat the dog on the head and give her a rub behind the ears. "You keep everyone in line, okay?" The dog looked at him as if to say she understood his words, she was such a sweetheart. "Alright," he said as he stood back up. "I best head out, can't miss my flight."

"Everyone say bye to Daddy," Mac said as she lifted DJ into her arms. The children did as told in unison with their dog who offered him a bark. With another smile and wave, he was gone.


	11. Chapter 11

**See Chapter One for Notes and Disclaimers.**

**2234 ZULU**

**Sarah Rabb's Farmbouse**

**Bellesville, PA**

Harm arrived at the Philadelphia Navy Yard and disposed of the case with very little difficulty. As it turned out, a young civilian had tried to snag herself a sailor and when she was rejected she filed a complaint with local authorities. Harm had interviewed her and managed to convince her that federal prison was not a very nice place to be, and she recanted her statement with deepest apologies. It took another day to wrap up the paper work, but by late Wednesday afternoon, Harm was listed as on leave until Monday and he was heading off to see Grams.

It was nearly dinner time of Wednesday night when Grams heard a knock at her door. "Why won't they just go away?" she wondered of her neighbors who had been stopping by regularly since she'd been home from the hospital.

"Who is it?" she called through the old door.

"Grams, it's me, Harm," he answered.

"Harm!" she exclaimed excitedly. She opened the door to reveal her grandson alone and in uniform. "Oh, it's just you?"

"Yeah, I'm here on a case" he said, giving her a hug. "Sorry the family couldn't come, but they send their love."

"Well, come on in," she invited and moved out of the way so he could enter. "Is the case over? Can you stay the night?"

"I sure can," he said, knowing he'd just made the elderly woman's night. "How are you feeling? Mom said you had a rough patch there recently."

"I'm fine," she replied. "I'm just old. Now sit down and let me get you something to eat. What do you want? Pancakes, a sandwich?"

"Got any of my favorite apple pie in all the world?" he asked her as he tossed his cover on the end table and unbuttoned his jacket.

"I sure do," she replied. "I made myself one yesterday." She moved to the fridge and took out the pie. "So how's Sarah and the children. Trish said Lucy was sick." She took a knife and cut Harm a slice of pie.

"They're good," he answered. "Lucy had a little bug over the weekend but she's fine now. DJ's, well, he's DJ, and Sarah is...doing okay." He loosened his necktie and undid his top two buttons.

"Very good," she praised. "You almost convinced me. Your grandfather always did that," she referred to him unbuttoning his collar. "When he was worried. You said the case is over so..." She handed him his slice of pie and sat down across from his with her own.

He sighed and shook his head, smiling at his own foolishness in thinking he could pull anything over on Grams.

"You know me too well," he said as he took the pie from her. He looked at it on the plate as he spoke. "She's...really not doing too hot right now Grams, and neither am I."

"What's wrong, Harmon?" she asked. "You can tell me anything and I'll try and help you know that." Sarah knew her grandson, she knew something was hurting him and badly, she knew he was troubled by the lines on his face and dark circles under his eyes. "Tell me what has you up at night."

"You know about her condition, her endometriosis," he said, fidgeting with the fork against the pie. "She did better for a little while after her surgery a few months back, but lately things have taken a turn in the wrong direction again. She's in pain a lot more than she should be, it's rough."

She nodded sympathetically, "Are you there for her when she's having this pain?" she asked all ready knowing the answer.

"As much as I can be," he answered, finally taking a bite of the pie. "Mmmm, delicious as ever, Grams."

"Thank you," she smiled. "So if you're there for her, what more can you do? Unless that's not all."

"That's plenty, trust me," he said. "But it's not all." He leaned back in his chair and took a long, deep breath before he continued. "Back in August, I went to Mexico, you know, TAD."

"Okay," she mirrored his movement. "Did something happen to Sarah while you were there? Is that what's wrong? You think you failed her?"

"No...well, yes..." he sighed again. "God, you're going to hate me, Grams."

She reached out and covered his hand with hers, "I could never hate you, Honey. Whatever it is, I'm sure you're mind is making it seem worse than it actually is."

"I don't think that's possible," he said. "It's about as bad as it gets."

"What happened, Honey?" she asked him. "Did you talk it over with Sarah?"

He shook his head and set the plate of pie on the table next to his cover. "I want to, I mean, I need to, I just...can't."

"You told me you could tell her anything," Grams reminded him. "What's so bad that you can't tell the woman you love?"

He forced himself to look his grandmother in the eye. "That in Mexico I slept with another woman."

Sarah wanted to think her grandson was joking but the look in his eyes told her he was telling her the real and painful truth. "Oh, Harmon," was all she said.

"You've got to believe me when I say I didn't mean for it to happen," he said. "In fact, I'm still not entirely sure what happened. All I know is I ran into an ex-girlfriend down there, we had a few drinks, and the next thing I know it's the following morning and I'm in bed with her, wishing I could turn back time and completely undo everything I'd done."

"Do you know for certain you actually slept with her? Maybe you fell asleep before you actually, finished the job," she suggested and prayed he would say it was possible.

"I'm pretty sure, Grams," Harm replied.

She nodded, "Who was it? Which ex-girlfriend? Not Diane."

"No," Harm sighed. "It was Annie."

"Annie. Annie. Annie," she repeated the name several times. "That sounds..oh no. Harm, tell me its not the neurotic woman with the boy you dated before you got you head out of your six and married Sarah."

"'Fraid so," he answered, reaching for the pie. He wasn't hungry, but there was something about Grams cooking that was so comforting to him.

"So what now?" she asked. "You slept with this Annie, and you went home and then what? You started lying to Sarah? You're not like that Harmon. This happened to some degree once before and you went home that night and told her the truth. Why not this time?"

He swallowed the bite of pie in his mouth. "I felt so horribly guilty. After the last time, I promised Mac that I'd never do that again, ever, and I broke that promise. How do you find the words to tell the person you love most in the world that you did something so terrible? Couple that with her illness and how difficult a time she's had with that lately, I just couldn't bring myself to tell her."

"So, you sleep with another woman, lie about it, and still claim that you love her?" Sarah outlined. "Just so I have this straight. Answer me this, when you had that little incident with Maggy or Meg whatever her name was, and you told Sarah, how did you see her?"

"I saw her as my wife," he answered, fumbling with the end of his necktie. "My wife whom I stupidly betrayed and whom I hurt and whom I loved very much."

"You saw her that way," Sarah replied. "And you told her what happened. Why?"

"Because I wanted to make things right again," he said. "I screwed up big time, and I'd done something I never should have done for reasons that never should have mattered to begin with, and I felt the best thing to do was to fess up and take whatever she threw at me."

"What reasons?" she pressed, rising to pour him a cup of coffee.

He shook his head at the thought of the events that led to what happened with Meg. "I was angry with her over some stuff about her ex-husband, stupid stuff that she and I weren't seeing eye-to-eye on, and in what was my single weakest and incredibly insane and downright inexcusable moment to date, I decided I should 'get even' with Mac by doing what I did with Meg. As soon as I started to do that, I felt like slime, like no one in the world was a more horrible person than I was. I drove home in tears, Grams. I had to pull over twice on account of I couldn't see where I was driving I was crying so hard. When I finally got there, I ran inside and I just grabbed Sarah and cried my head off. She was scared to death, she had no idea what had happened. I managed, eventually, to get it out, and then I wasn't the only one crying. Oh, it just tore her heart out. I couldn't do that to her again, not now."

"What did she do when she told her?" Sarah asked him.

"She cried," he said again. "A lot. She yelled some, and then...she put her arms around me and...said she wanted to forgive me." He took a deep breath to squelch the emotions he felt rising within him. "I told her I didn't deserve her forgiveness that quickly. She said it wouldn't come quickly, that we needed some help with everything, but that she wanted to reach a point where she could really forgive me for it and we did. It took 6 months of therapy and a lot of work, but we got there."

"So what's different about now?" Grams asked. "Then you hadn't been married six months, now you've had six years, two babies, and a long list of happy and sad occasions. You have more invested in each now than then, so why did you choose to lie this time? What's different now? How is Sarah different now?" she asked.

"It's not that she's different," he said. "I mean, she is but that's not why I haven't told her. I'm different, I guess. I'm different in that last time all I could think to do was get to her as fast as I could and tell her what a sick mistake I'd made and hope and pray we could somehow work things out. This time, all I could think to do was find a way to deal with it myself and keep the guilt on my own shoulders and spare her any more pain. I know what she'd think if I told her. She'd think that I did what I did with Annie because I hadn't been getting enough, um, 'attention' at home because of her illness, and that's just flat not true. There's no excuse for what I did, absolutely none, but this much is certain, it's totally my fault. Sarah had nothing to do with it and I don't want her to feel that she did, in any way, shape or form."

"So you're living with this thing hanging over your head," Grams sighed. "You look like Hell, you're probably not sleeping enough, and I'm certain Sarah's noticed. She's not stupid."

"No, she's not stupid at all," he agreed, taking a sip of coffee. "She's noticed. She said I've been 'different' towards her since I got back from that TAD to Mexico, and she's right. She asked me the other night what it was that happened there, what I saw or who I saw that caused such a change in me. I told her a half-truth, which of course made me feel even worse than if I hadn't told her anything at all."

"I understand," Grams sighed. "Harmon, why do you think you slept with this Annie and don't blame the liquor. What was going on inside you when you were wherever you were?"

He shook his head again. "I was depressed," he said. "Over things at home, over her illness rearing its ugly head again and robbing us of what we'd just finally gotten back. I felt like I should have been able to help her more than I was able to; like just being there for her when she was hurting and taking care of the kids when she couldn't move, I knew those things were important, but...I wanted to do more, I still do, but there's not much more I can do. I hate not being able to fix things, and that was - is - something I don't have the power to fix. Still, none of that excuses what happened with Annie. Truth of the matter is I let myself be duped by her and I never, ever should have, no matter what may have been on my mind at the time."

"Well, at least it's in the past," Grams sighed. "Now you have to find a way to move on and the best way to do that is to tell your wife the truth."

"It's not in the past, Grams," he said. "I haven't told you everything."

"Don't tell you caught something from her?" Grams sighed. "I thought you'd at least be responsible while you were being an inconsiderate ass."

"I deserve that," he said. "'Inconsiderate ass' pretty much describes what I was and what I've been since then. No, I didn't catch anything from her, but...she...I...she got pregnant."

"You have gotten yourself into a very deep hole, Harmon. Is this baby yours?" she asked him.

"She claims it is," he answered, unbuttoning a sleeve on his shirt so he could roll it up a bit. "She had me meet with her one evening last week, without Mac, and she said she was about two months pregnant and that it meant the baby was conceived in Mexico and thus it had to be mine. I'm not convinced, though, not by a long shot. Too much reasonable doubt for my mind to accept it as she's trying to throw it at me."

"Until you know you have to assume the child is yours," Grams replied. "And you have to tell Sarah the truth."

"Yeah, I can hear it now," he said, his voice filled with sarcasm for the first time all evening. "Mac, sweetheart, I love you more than I love anyone else in the world, but while I was away on business, I ran into the one ex-girlfriend of mine you probably hate more than any of the others, I got trashed and ended up in bed with her. Oh yeah, if that's not enough to break your heart and make you hate me forever, she's pregnant and swears the baby is mine." He dropped his head into his hands. "I...I just don't know how to tell her."

"Try taking the sarcasm out of that last speech, young man," Sarah snapped. "And maybe I'll help you."

"I'm sorry, Grams." he said. "I'm just so...scared. It's not like I'd be asking for a second chance, this would be a third chance and let's face it, no woman should have to give her husband a third chance to prove his faithfulness to her. I messed up big time, I know I did."

"Then tell her that," Sarah replied. "Tell her you made a stupid mistake, that in your pain and guilt over not being able to help her when she needed you, you lost your way. Tell her that you slept with Annie, under the influence, and tell her why you lied to her. Tell her how scared you are, and most of all, tell her you love her and that she's your world. It won't justify what you've done, nothing will, but I know you are telling me the truth when you say that she's your life, I know because that's how your father looked when he told me he'd found your mother." She rose and brought him the cordless phone, "Call her now and tell her you'll be home tomorrow. Tell her you have something you need to talk to her about. That way," she sighed. "You can't chicken out. I'll go make up your room."

He took the phone from her. He didn't like her advice, but he knew she was right. He had to tell Mac and he had to tell her soon. "Okay," he said. "I'll give her a quick call and then I'm going to call it a night."

"Good, you need the sleep," she replied. "I'll get your bed ready."

Harm dialed the number to his home and waited as it rang, once, twice, three times until Mac's tired voice came on the phone. "Hello."

"Hey, baby," he said, hoping she didn't sense the anguish in his voice. "How are you?"

"Tired," she replied. She didn't want to have to tell him the rest if she could avoid it so she shifted the focus to him. "How are you? You don't sound so good?"

So much for her not noticing. "I'm wiped out," he said. "Been a busy few days, but I'm at Grams now, going to stay the night here with her."

"How's she doing?" Mac asked. "Ow, DJ, don't kick Mommy," Mac scolded.

"She's great," he answered. "She looks...older, I think. Older, but still as pretty as ever. How did DJ end up in bed with you?"

"He was a very fussy boy tonight," she replied. "He didn't get what he wanted."

"Which was what?" he asked, feeling badly that he wasn't there to help with the kids.

"Oh, Harm, I'm sorry," she sighed knowing her response would hurt him. "He wanted you tonight. Mommy's just not good enough. So I thought once Lucy was asleep I would rock him, but that didn't work out so well and I had to lie down so here we are."

"Oh, Mac, I'm sorry" he said. "He gets like that sometimes, I just wish he - wait, you had to lie down? How come?"

She didn't answer, "When are you coming home?"

"Tomorrow night," he said. "Should be there by 1900. You didn't answer my question. Are you in pain again, baby?"

"Mmhmm," she replied then scolded their son again. "DJ, stop kicking Mommy. That's an order."

"I'm sorry, baby," he said. "I wish I was there to help you. How bad is it? You're not bleeding, are you?"

"No," she replied. "I had a check up at Dr. Bradley's today that's all. It wasn't like last time, but I'm still pretty sore. He says I'm healing very well from the miscarriage and we talked about starting fertility pills."

"Fertility pills?" he asked. "I didn't know that was anything you were considering. I thought we'd just try like we always did and see what came of it."

"So did I, but my periods are so irregular and the longer we wait to conceive, the harder it will be," she replied. "The pills will at least keep it natural, no frozen pops or test tubes."

"Okay," he said. "I guess as long as you're okay with taking the drugs, I won't object. How much longer did he say we needed to wait?"

"About a month," she replied. "I didn't mention our little celebration last week however."

Harm smiled at the memory of that wonderfully romantic night. "Probably a good idea" he said, "I know he would've flipped his lid over that little revelation."

"Probably," she replied, her voice going up a bit at the end.

"What? What's wrong?" he asked, instant worry eating away at him.

She took a deep breath, "It hurts. I'll be okay, just talk to me about something for a minute."

"Okay," he said. "What should we talk about?"

"Tell me what you'd do if you were here," she told him, her voice holding a hint of tears she didn't want to shed in front of their son.

"First I'd get your pillow for you," he began. "So you could put your legs up. Do you have your legs elevated?"

"Hard to do with your son on top of me," she replied.

"Ouch," said Harm as he imagined the pain she was in with their son laying on top of her. "Okay then," said Harm. "First off, I'd move DJ, at least enough to get him off of your stomach. Then I'd get your pillows and try to make you comfy. Then I'd get the heating pad and put it wherever you wanted me to."

"Well, there's on thing you can do for me from there," she told him. "You can get DJ off me."

"Why didn't he think of that himself," he wondered. "You're right, I can. Put him on, babe," he said.

"DJ, Daddy wants to say hi," Mac told their son and put the phone to his ear. "Daddy!"

"Hi, buddy," said Harm. "Are you being a good boy for mommy?"

"Yes," he answered. "Mommy bed."

"I know you're in Mommy's bed," said Harm. "But you need to be in your bed. Can you be my big boy and go get in your bed?"

"DJ help," he replied. "Mommy ow."

Harm took a deep breath as he realized what DJ was doing. "I'm so proud of you for trying to help Mommy like that, Buddy, but you'll make mommy's 'ow' go away even faster if you show her what a big boy you are by getting in your bed. Can you do that for me, please?"

"Okay," DJ replied. "DJ bed now. Bye."

"Bye, son" said Harm with a little smile.

Mac took the phone back, "That was amazing as always. Thank you. Considering it's your fault," she teased.

"Oh, it's my fault, huh?" he asked, trying to focus on the joke she was making instead of the truth in her words. It was his fault for not being there, and he felt terrible about it.

"Yes, you told them to take care of me, didn't you?" she asked.

"I sure did," he replied. "How're they doing with that, anyway?"

"Overdoing it a little," Mac replied. "Lucy wrapped me in so many blankets last night I broke a sweat and DJ keeps hugging me which is fine but not when he decided to do it at 3 in the morning."

He couldn't help but chuckle. "I'm sorry, babe. They mean well, you know they do."

"I know," she sighed. "Oh," she couldn't stifle that little moan. She breathe deep again.

You okay?" he asked in a semi-panic. "Talk to me, Mac. Is it bad?"

"Nothing I can't handle," she replied. "Tell me more. Just keep talking."

"Grams was a little disappointed that I came alone," said Harm. "She really wants to see you and the kids."

"We can go up over Veterans weekend. I'd like to see her," she sighed. "I wish I was there right now."

"I wish you were here right now, too" he replied, meaning it in oh so many ways. "I'll be sure to tell her we'll all come see her soon; she'll be thrilled."

"I'm glad," she sighed. "I should have cancelled and waited until you were home before we went to the doctor."

"Yeah, maybe that would've been a better plan," he agreed. "But it doesn't matter now. Have you taken your pills yet?"

"No," she replied, her voice catching on a sob she couldn't hold back.

"Hey, hey," he said as he tried to calm her from afar. "Why haven't you taken them? You know how much they help."

"I can't," she replied feeling sick and stupid, and completely alone. She also felt for him though, knowing how badly he was feeling at not being there.

"Why?" he asked. "I know you haven't run out. Did the doctor tell you not to take them?"

"No," she replied. "They're in the bathroom. And my spares are in my purse."

Again, he sighed, feeling helpless. That is, until... "Hey, babe, is Colleen around you anywhere?"

"Yeah, I think she's on her blanket," Mac replied. "Why?"

"Tell her to go get your purse" said Harm.

"Harm, she's a dog," Mac laughed in spite of her pain. "I'll try it. Colleen! Colleen, come here."

The loyal pup immediately appeared at her mistress's side. Mac patted her head, "Get my purse. Get my purse," she told the dog.

To Mac's surprise the dog turned, went to her purse hanging on the hook where it always was and brought the bag to her. "Good girl," she praised. "How did you...Did you teach her to do that?"

"Yeah," admitted Harm, thrilled that the dog had retained the little lesson from a few months prior. "Thought it might be a good thing for her to learn, you know?"

"It was," she replied popping a double dosage of the pills. "We have to have a talk when you get home, Sailor."

Her words reminded him of the reason he called in the first place. "Okay," he said. "What about?"

"I'd rather wait until you get home," she replied.

"Oh, alright" he said, knowing not to press her for any more information in her current state. "I actually called to tell you that we needed to talk when I get home, too."

"About what?" It was her turn to ask him.

"Just a few things that have been on my mind," he said. "Don't lose any sleep over it; we'll talk everything over when I get home, okay?"

"Listen, I'm going to go," she sighed. "I'm in a lot of pain and I want to try and sleep."

"A lot of pain? You said a few minutes ago it wasn't bad." he noted, growing more concerned for her as the moments went by.

"I lied," she sighed. "But I have my medicine now. It'll go away. I wish you were here though."

"I wish I was there, too, baby" he said. "You get some sleep, I'll see you around 1900 tomorrow, and I'll call if that changes much, okay?"

"Okay, I love you," she whispered as she felt the pills start to work. She'd taken two.

"I love you, too" he replied. "Goodnight, Mac."

"Night," she replied and ended the call.

Harm turned the phone off, set it on the table and headed upstairs for the night.


	12. Chapter 12

Standard Disclaimers apply

Mac was so excited about Harm coming home. He'd only been gone for a few days, but they were long days and she really missed him. Things at work had kept her crazy busy, and keeping the household running by herself, while it was a job she adored more than any other she'd ever had, was just a bit tougher than it used to be.

She'd gotten home a little later than usual that night on account of a last-minute briefing by another of the SecNav's advisors. Mac didn't really like this other advisor, but she had to work with the guy so she tried to tolerate him. He was notorious for these last-minute things, seeing as how he was single and had no one waiting for him to pick them up from day care and fix them dinner. By the time Mac got the kids and made it home, it was nearly 1830 and everyone was tired and hungry. Nights like these she was glad to have one of Harm's homemade lasagnas in the freezer.

She tossed it in the oven, and went to check the message machine. There was only one message from Harm saying he's be at least two hours late. At least that gave her time to get changed into some comfy clothes and then give the kids an early bath. Once they were in their jammies, dinner was ready and they sat down to a wholesome meal. Afterwards, Mac spent a little time reading to them, each child choosing two books, and then it was time for brushing teeth and heading for bed.

Mac retreated to the master bedroom, wanting to tidy it up a touch before he arrived. She gathered her laundry from the week, which she'd allowed to pile up on the floor near her closet, and sorted it into the hampers. She hung fresh bath towels on the bar above the toilet and made sure everything on the counter was as it should be.

The new mirror looked nice. They'd had it replaced the previous week; and it was almost identical to the one that had been broken on the receiving end of Harm's meltdown over what'd happened to her. Deciding all looked satisfactory; she moved back into the bedroom and gave the bed a studied glance.

"I should change those sheets," she said to herself. Harm usually did that, but there was no reason he should have to come home and do it after being gone all week. She went to the linen closet and pulled out a fresh set of sheets and carried them to the bedroom, tossing them on the floor as she took to stripping the bed. When she reached the mattress cover she saw that it was stained from Harm's coffee spill the Sunday before he left. She decided to change that as well.

"Maybe this will come clean," she thought to herself. "Maybe not." She tossed it on the floor and when she looked at the bare mattress, she couldn't avoid seeing the blood stain from that awful night a few weeks ago.

"We're going to have to get a new mattress," she sighed. She thought back to that night and all that happened; how it had hurt him so much to see that mess. She shook her head and, deciding he didn't need to see that stain again, she gripped the side of the mattress and began to flip it over. She'd done it by herself in the past, so she knew she could do it, even though it was a bit of a trick getting it in the right place with only two hands.

She managed to get the mattress over so it was lying on the bed horizontally. Once that happened all she had to do was push and pull it until it was in place. It was as she did this that a piece of suntan material caught her eye.

"What the...?" she muttered as she took the fabric in her hand. She slowly unwadded it and held it up to get a better look.

It was one of Harm's shirts she relieved upon examination. One of Harm's uniform shirts with...what was that on his collar? Lipstick?

Her heart dropped to her feet. She stared at the shirt for what seemed like days, paying the most attention to the lipstick on the collar. It wasn't hers; she knew that, which meant only one thing.

She placed the shirt on the bed and quickly walked to the phone to dial the Admiral's number. She was going to have to confront Harm with this and it was not a place for Lucy and DJ to be. He answered the phone on the third ring.

"Chegwidden," said the strong voice on the other end.

"AJ," Mac said into the receiver her voice sounding shaky and weak. "I need a favor."

"What's wrong?" He asked, sensing the anguish in her voice.

"It's nothing," she replied. "I need to talk to Harm about something tonight and I need you to take the children. I, uh...it's something I really don't want to risk them overhearing."

His mind began to race. He knew better than to press Mac for information that she wasn't willing to give. "Okay, sure," he said. "You want me to come pick them up right now?"

"Please, could you do that? I don't mean to worry you but..." She fought to keep from crying. "I'm not feeling very well and I need to talk to my husband and...Please, if its not too much trouble."

"None at all" he assured her. "I'll be there in 20."

"Thank you, AJ," she replied. "I'll have them ready."

"Sounds good" he said, "I'll be right there." With that, he hung up the phone, grabbed his keys and ran out the door.

Mac quickly went to Lucy's room and tapped her little girl's shoulder. "Lucy, wake up, Honey."

"Wha...What, Mommy?" asked the little girl, still mostly asleep.

"You've got to go put your jacket on, Uncle AJ is coming to get you and take you to sleep at his house," Mac replied.

"Are you sick, mommy?" asked Lucy.

Just then the phone rang, but Mac let the machine get it. There had been a message earlier from Harm saying he'd be late, it was probably him again.

"Don't worry about it Lucy," Mac said. "Just get your Pooh and your coat."

"But Mommy," said Lucy. "If you're sick I need to stay here and take care of you. Remember, I made a promise to Daddy?"

"I know, you did, Baby, but Mommy's okay," she told her daughter. "I just have to do something and Uncle AJ said he'd be happy to take you to his house and let you sleep at his house. You like doing that."

"Uh-huh," replied the little girl. "Is DJ coming, too?"

"Yeah," Mac replied. "I'm going to get him up now and put his jacket on. Please listen and do as Mommy asks okay?"

"Okay," said the little girl, grabbing her Pooh bear and heading off to find her jacket.

Mac picked up her sleeping son and put his coat on. The little boy woke up as she manipulated his arms to dress him. The sleepy eyes looked at Mac and chubby arms fastened around her neck, clinging to her.

"Mommy..." he mumbled as he laid his head against her shoulder.

The phone rang again, and Mac checked the ID. It was Harm's cell phone, but she still didn't answer the phone. She let the machine pick up. This time she could hear the message. "Hey, Mac. Where are you? I'm stuck at Lakehurst, so I'll be later, probably 2300 by the time I get to Manassas. I hope everything okay. Call me back."

"It's okay, DJ," Mac hugged the boy. "You're going to play with Uncle AJ."

"AJ?" asked the boy, perking up a little at the mention of his uncle's name.

"Yeah, you're going to sleep at his house tonight," she told him.

"No AJ's house," he said, beginning to cry. "Mommy...Daddy..."

Mac started to rock her son, "You like Uncle AJ," she told DJ. "Mommy has to go bye bye so Uncle AJ is going to watch you. Maybe he'll play boats with you."

"Kay" said the little boy, still obviously sleepy.

Mac held DJ until AJ knocked on the door. Lucy ran to answer it. "Who is it?' she called as he parents had trained her.

"It's your Uncle AJ, Lucy," he replied. "Is your mommy there?"

Lucy played with the locks and opened the door, "Hi, Uncle AJ," she said as he stepped in the house to find Mac rocking a sleepy and fussy DJ.

"Hi, Sweetheart," he said. "Are you ready to come sleep over at my house?"

"Yes," Lucy replied. "I've got my Pooh and my bag Mommy made. I don't think DJ wants to go."

"Is that right?" he asked, walking up to the boy in Mac's arms. "Hey pal, don't you want to come stay with Lucy and me at my house? We can play boats after you wake up in the morning?"

DJ clung to his Mommy, "Mommy. No bye."

"DJ, come on, now," Mac comforted. "Be Mommy's Big Sailor and be good for Uncle AJ."

"If you'll give me your car keys" said AJ, "I'll so switch over the car seats while you hold him a few more minutes."

"Thank you, AJ," she replied. "They're on the table."

AJ took the keys and went to swap over the children's seats while Mac continued rocking her son. The phone rang again, not 5 minutes after it'd rang the last time. "If he knew what was waiting for him..." she thought to herself.

"Mac," Harm said. "Sarah, are you there? Are you okay? Why aren't you answering the phone?" he asked, his voice getting worried. "I know you're there. Pick up. Okay, maybe you're busy. I'm taking off now, I'll see you soon. I love you."

She fought with everything in her not to break down while the kids were still there.

"Mommy, why didn't you answer the phone?" Lucy asked.

"I don't want to upset DJ. I'll call Daddy back in a few minutes and tell him I have to go do something," Mac answered as AJ came back in.

"Are we ready?" he asked.

"Yeah," she replied. "He's going to give you t-r-o-u-b-l-e. I'm sorry." She moved to hand DJ over to AJ. The boy clung tighter and started to squirm and cry.

"Come here, little sailor," he said, taking the distraught boy from his mother. DJ kicked and screamed as he was pulled away from the shoulder he'd been clinging to.

"It's okay, Sweetie," Mac comforted. "You like Uncle AJ's house and you'll see Mommy and Daddy tomorrow. Mommy promises."

"He'll be fine once we get on the road, Mac," assured AJ. "Are you all set, Miss Lucy?"

"Yes, Sir," she declared. "Can we sleep on the big couch again?" she asked picking up her little overnight bag.

"Sure!" he said enthusiastically, "and in the morning, we can make waffles!"

"Have a hug for Mommy, Lucy?" Mac asked dropping to her knees and opening her arms.

"I'll miss you, mommy" said Lucy as she hugged her mother

"I'll miss you too. You be a good girl. And save Mommy some waffles. Uncle AJ makes the best waffles right?"

"He does!" agreed the child. "They're even better than daddy's," she added. "But we won't tell daddy that!"

"No we won't," Mac smiled. "Be a good girl. Help Uncle AJ with your brother." Mac rose and stretched. "Thank you for this AJ."

"Not a problem, Mac," he said. "Call me tomorrow whenever you're ready for them. No hurry, though, I've got nothing planned that I can't do later on."

"This may take a-w-h-i-l-e," she warned him. "Its kind of i-m-p-o-r-t-a-n-t. I'll call you."

"Alright," he said with a nod. "Let's go, kiddos, its way past your bedtime."

With that he started walking to the door. DJ had settled in against his favorite Uncle and Lucy dutifully followed him out to the car.

It was then that Mac let it hit her. She walked back to the bedroom and lifted up the soiled shirt. She'd seen that awful pink before, she knew she had, but she couldn't place it. She didn't want to think Harm could have done this, not again, not after all this time, but she knew in her heart exactly what happened. She put the shirt to the side. She couldn't just leave the bed like that, it would drive her crazy. So she pushed the mattress back on the frame, and made up the bed with fresh linens. Only then did she allow herself the luxury of tears.

Harm arrived home about 2300, as he had said in one of his numerous messages. By the time he got home, his heart was pounding in his chest. He'd called and called and Sarah hadn't answered the phone.

The house was pitch dark as he pulled into the driveway and Mac's car was parked in the usual spot. "That's strange," he thought to himself. "She should have the kitchen lights on for me, she always does."

He opened the door and found no sign of his children in the house. They usually would bolt out of bed as soon as they heard the door open. He walked quietly through the house, listening for sounds of life in the quiet stillness. When he heard his wife's sobs, his heart stopped.

"Mac?" he called out, standing still to hear where the crying was coming from. It didn't take him long to figure it out, and he made a mad dash for the master bedroom. "Mac?" he said again. She didn't answer him, but instead continued to cry. Colleen's ear perked up at the foot of the bed at the sound of Harm's voice. The loyal animal came around the bed and sat at her master's feet. He patted her and instructed, "Go lie down." Then he turned his attention back to Mac.

"Mac?" he called out, standing still to hear where the crying was coming from. It didn't take him long to figure it out, and he made a mad dash for the master bedroom. "Mac?" he said again. She didn't answer him, but instead continued to cry. She was lying on their bed as she had so many times; dress in a Marine green sweat outfit. He arms were crossed in front of her, and her knees were pulled up to her chest, her safe position.

"Baby, what's wrong?" he asked, kneeling beside her as he back was towards him. "You're having pain again, aren't you? I'll get your pills."

"The pills won't help," she mumbled. "Leave me alone."

He stood there, baffled by her words. "I want to help you, Mac," he said, kneeling down beside her again, putting his hand on her shoulder. "Let me get your pills, they'll help."

Through gritted teeth she hissed, "Don't touch me! Don't you dare touch me!"

Harm jumped back, shocked at his wife's demeanor. "What's wrong with you, Mac?" he asked, his tone shifting. "Where are the kids? What happened?"

"You know damn well what happened!" she shouted rolling out of her curled position and hurling the shirt at him. "Lost at the cleaners, my ass! You better have a damn good explanation for that!"

He caught the shirt as she flung it against his chest. As soon as he saw the color of the fabric, his heart began to pound in his chest. As he opened it up, he felt his stomach do a thousand somersaults, and as he looked upon the lipstick stain on the collar, he felt like the entire world had just crash landed upon his shoulders. "Shit..." he muttered to himself. "Shit."

"Funny," she replied. "I thought you could at least do better than that." She sat down on the bed and pulled her knees up. "If you can't I'd like for you to leave."

There was no backing out of it now, even if he wanted to, which he didn't. He'd intended to come clean that night, and he was going to do just that. "Mac..." he began."I...damn it..." he tossed the shirt on the floor and sat down across from her on the bed.

She started sobbing again, "Damn you. You promised me? Who was she, huh? Someone from the office, Ensign Connors? Lt. Smith?" she guessed. "Or don't you even know."

She knew that last accusation was completely off the mark, he'd never do something like that. He'd have to know the person, have a relationship and understanding with her, which made it hurt even more.

"It's not like that," he said, feeling like the biggest jerk who ever existed. "I'll explain from the beginning, if you'll let me."

"I can't do this in here," she sighed. "I need something to drink." She slid off the bed and started for the kitchen.

With a sigh, he got up and followed her. "You're angry and you have every right to be," he said as she stormed down the hall ahead of him. "There's no excuse for it, Mac, but there is an explanation and you deserve to have it."

"You're damned right I do," she snapped. "How long ago was it Harm?" She poured herself a glass of orange juice with a shaky hand.

"Couple months" he said, his hands on his waist as he looked down at the floor.

"That's what I thought," she sighed. "Mexico?"

He let out a pained sigh. "Yeah."

She sat down, wiping tears off her face. "Tell me."

He took a deep breath and began to speak. "I never meant for it to happen. I'd ask you to please believe me, but I don't have the right to do that. I...it...damn it, I can't put it any other way. I was stupid. I was depressed. I felt like I should have been able to take away the pain you were in again with that cursed disease and I couldn't do that. It's no excuse, I know, but it's what I was feeling at the time, what made me let my guard down like a bona fide idiot and..."

"You're blaming this on me?" she asked baffled, not understanding his words. "I can't believe..." Her voice caught as she started crying again.

"No! No, I'm not," he said. "Not at all, Mac - this was not your fault, it wasn't. Blame me, please - I deserve every bit of the blame here, but please, don't take any of it for you," he pleaded. "I wasn't the man I should have been, I didn't handle things with your disease the way I should have on my end, but that has nothing to do with you. Do you hear me?"

"I hear you, and what I hear is you blaming me for your transgression!" she replied.

"No, Mac," he sighed. "It might come across to you that way, but I swear to you that's not what I'm aiming to do. What happened in Mexico, it wasn't your fault at all, period. I let it happen, I kept it from you for 2 months, and I never should have done either. You might not believe this, but I was going to come home and talk to you about this tonight. When I called last night and said we needed to talk, this is what I needed to talk about."

"Well that's very noble of you Harm," she snapped. "But you're avoiding the subject. I want to know what you did. Who you did, or don't you even know?"

"I know who it was," he said. "And vaguely, I know what happened."

"Then stop the bullshit and tell me, Harm!" she demanded. "You said you were going to tell me the truth tonight, so tell me."

He felt like he was going to throw up as he began his story. "I wrapped up my investigation, and I went to the hotel cantina for a beer. I was so down and depressed, I just sat at the bar and moped. Next thing I knew..." He paused; this was going to get ugly. "Next thing I knew, Annie was sitting next to me. We were catching up on old times, sharing a plate of nachos and downing margheritas. I think...I guess we danced for awhile after that, I'm not really sure, but..."

"You made love to her," she finished for him, staring at the glass in her hand, squeezing it so hard it broke in her hand.

"No I didn't," he said, not noticing the broken glass on the table. "There's a difference between making love to someone and just sleeping with them. You're the only one I've ever made love to."

"Don't split hairs, Harm," Mac warned. "Either way, you betrayed me, plain and simple. Having sex, making love, you aren't supposed to do either while you're married. Not unless its with me."

"You're right" he said. "I'm not and I did and I never should have. I don't...I don't even remember it, Mac. Not that being drunk off my ass excuses anything, but I was drunk off my ass. She made sure of that, the ruthless person that she is. she knew I'd never do that if I was sober, and she...she played me and I allowed her to. It was stupid, Mac. So stupid and I'm so sorry."

She finally let go of that broken glass. Her hand was bleeding where it had cracked. Still she just left it palm up on the table, "So far, you've blamed me and you've blamed Annie and you've blamed being drunk, but Harm, you've said it yourself, being drunk is no excuse for what you did. If you had some tangible reason, like before...but this time, you blame depression. Last time it was out of spite, this time, you blame depression. If you felt that badly about what was happening to me, to us, why didn't you say anything to me about it? And worse, once this was done, why didn't you come to me and tell me?" Mac asked. "You never intended to tell me, did you? You were just hoping I'd never find out. That's why you've been so attentive and loving, and here I thought it was because you loved me. I guess you're not the only one who's stupid."

"Oh, God, Mac," he said, finally noticing the cut on her hand and grabbing a towel. "You're not stupid, you're not" he said, reaching out to put the towel on her hand. She grabbed it from him and did it herself. "At first, I wasn't going to tell you because I didn't think you could handle it with as much pain as you'd been having. I was going to keep it to myself and deal with what I did on my own and keep you out of it if at all possible. As time went on, though, I began to think that I needed to tell you because every day that I didn't, I felt a little bit worse. It was slowly destroying me, and... I talked with Grams about it last night, came clean to her, and she said I owed it to you and to our marriage to be honest and to tell you everything. She's right. I was going to tell you tonight, honest to God I was."

She rose from the chair and put the towel next to the sink. "We don't have a marriage," she said in response to his words. She'd stopped hearing him as soon as he said "owed it to our marriage." She never heard his declaration of truth.

"Oh, no," he said softly. "I knew it. I knew..." He became silent and held his breath for fear of falling apart. She was going to leave him, exactly what he'd been so afraid of. "Please, no, Mac" he said, his voice full of every bit of pain in his heart as he looked her in the eye. "I don't want to lose you over this...please..."

"Harm," she sighed and turned to face him. The pain in his eyes pulled at her heart. "I...I know what drinking too much can do, and I know what being depressed can do, but I can't...I can't forgive you for this, not now, maybe not ever. None of that is any excuse for doing what you did, none of it! How do I know that anything you've said since Mexico was true? How do I know I have the whole story now? If I can't trust you, I can't..." She lowered her head and started to cry again. "You promised me."

He wished someone would shake him and awaken him from the nightmare as he looked at his wife, standing there in tears, all because of him. "I have told you the truth since Mexico, Mac, I swear I have," he said. "But...not about everything and you deserve the whole truth, so here it is. I didn't have a meeting with a former client that night I went into DC, I had a meeting with Annie, but it's not what you think. She had something she needed to tell me."

Mac studied Harm's face. She hadn't told him she had some disease, he wouldn't sleep with her again unprotected if Annie had said that. That only left one thing. The day in Dr. Bradley's office came back to her, the look on Annie's face, "She's preg...She's pregnant isn't she?" Mac asked, her voice having lost its edge, its anger. She sounded like a child now, vulnerable, broken, and in incredible pain.

He looked her in the eye. "I'm sorry, Mac." A tear ran down his cheek. "I'm so sorry... God, I'm sorry..."

She tried to speak again. Part of her, the part that knew he was sorry, that he did love her and was aching over this wanted to hold him. But another part, the part that hurt, the part that ached for them to have a child that he'd now share with another woman, wouldn't let her. That part made her cry, made her sob loudly, and made her knees buckle as she fell to the floor.

"Baby..." he said, kneeling down beside her, "I'm..." He put his arms around her to hold her as she cried.

She scampered away from him, "Don't touch me," she ordered, then laughed at herself. "I never thought that I'd ever say that to you. There was never anything that being in your arms couldn't fix," she cried. "But I can't...I want you to leave Harm. I need you to leave. Please."

He wasn't surprised. He figured she'd have thrown him out a half hour ago. He nodded as he began to cry. "Mac...I'm, don't...God, I don't want to lose you...please...I don't want...I don't know what I'll do..."

The tears on his face reached her. She didn't want to lose him either, but she felt she all ready had. She reached out her hand and touched his shoulder, "Its not forever, Harm. I just need room to breathe, to think. We can talk tomorrow when we're both calmer. But please, don't go to AJ's."

"Why not AJ's?" he asked her, tears still falling.

"Because our children are there," she replied. "I'll get your things."

Mac stopped her tears and put Harm's clothing into a suitcase. She packed him one pair of underwear, one pair of socks, and one clean uniform. She wanted him to know she wasn't going to give up, that she needed time. If he thought they were over...the look on his face broke her heart. He looked so lost, and she knew as angry and hurt as she was, she was partially to blame for this. Not for having the disease, and certainly not for what had happened between Harm and Annie, but for holding him at arms length when he wanted nothing more than to comfort her.

By the time she did let him in with their usual communication mechanism gone, the damage had been done. She heard Harm's footsteps as he rose from the sofa where he's sank down once she announced her plan to pack his things. She knew he would put up a harder fight, at least she hoped that he would. "Sarah," he said from the doorway. "I...I don't know how to convince you that..."

"Not now, Harm, please," she said. "I...I can't do this right now."

"When, Sarah?" he pressed. "You said tomorrow, but if you're not ready then...I need to do this now. I've waited too long and I need to know I still have a wife."

"You still have a wife" she said, feeling the tears creeping up again. "You have a wife who loves you and trusted you and damn it Harmon David, how could you do this?" She picked up a pillow from the bed and threw it on the floor. "How could you go there and be with her and then come home and be with me and not tell me? My God, how...how could you..."

"I don't know," he shouted, finally losing the fragile control he'd had. "I don't know. The only thing I knew was that I couldn't hurt you like that. I couldn't protect you from anything else that's happened over the last year, I had to protect you from this...from me."

"From you?" she shouted back, "I shouldn't need protection from you, Harm! You're my husband, you're supposed to protect me from the evils of the world, not become one!"

"Well I guess I failed you in that. All I wanted was to take care of you, from the moment I met you I think, and usually I'd like to say I did a pretty good job of it. But then this...the endometriosis happened and I couldn't protect you, I couldn't help you when you needed me, and I hate that feeling."

"Whoever planted the notion in your head that it's up to you to save the freaking world?" said Mac, her arms and hands illustrating her anger. "Didn't know what the hell they were talking about! You can't protect me from everything, Harm! No one can protect everyone from everything, it just doesn't work that way, but you seem to think that because I got sick, because my body betrayed me, that it's a colossal failure on you as a husband! My endometriosis is no more your fault than it is mine, but the way you chose to handle it, that is all you, Harm, all you!"

"Like Hell," he shot back. "If you'd just let me in...You kept it a secret Sarah, for two months, you kept it a secret and when you admitted it, did I yell at you? Did I berate you? No! I tried to comfort you, and I needed you to comfort me, but no, Miss I'm a Marine had to try to do it all herself, no matter what the consequences to other people!"

"And did you once come to me and say you needed me to comfort you?" she yelled. "No, you didn't! I'd been hit with a bombshell and I was dealing with it the best way I knew how, and I know I shut you out and I hate that I did that, but I did! I didn't want to do it all myself, I just didn't know any other way! I hated that we'd lost something that was so important to us, I hated everything about the entire situation, and I hate that I clammed up and didn't let you in and didn't pay attention to what you were feeling, but... It, it doesn't matter, because regardless the fact remains that you went out and hopped in the sack with that...that whore of an ex of yours and now look where we are!"

Harm backed off with that remark. She was right. They were standing in their bedroom both crying and shouting at each other. They needed time to clear their heads, to think clearly and be rational and that wasn't going to happen tonight. "I see where we are," he replied. "And I agree that now really is not the time to be having this talk. You're tired, and I'm tired and neither of us is feeling that great right now. So, I'll just get my things and go to Bud and Harriet's tonight. But, Sarah, promise me that we can talk tomorrow. Talk, not whatever we've been doing tonight," his tone had softened and the tears he'd stopped shedding were leaking out of his eyes again.

She grabbed the pillow she'd thrown on the floor, sat down hard against the edge of the bed and continued to cry. After a few moments, she found her voice. "We'll talk tomorrow," she said. "Because we have to get through this, somehow and because..." She choked up again, and had to take a few deep breaths. "I refuse to bring our children back into the house as long as we're treating one another like this, and since they have to come back tomorrow, that doesn't give us much time. We'll talk, but..."

"But?" he pressed moving closer to her, wanting to touch her, to show her what he was feeling, because that had always worked in the past.

She looked into his eyes and saw her reflection in his teardrops. "This is bad, Harm. This is really...bad. You're having a..." She lost her voice again, but forced herself to get the words out because she wanted them on his mind as he lay awake in bed that night, as she also no doubt would. "Having a baby with her... How can I...can we...get past that?" Her last words came in a tiny, devastated whimper. Harm reached out his left hand to take her left hand. Somehow, the part of her that was making him leave for the night temporarily lost out to the part, the tiny part, that wanted nothing more than to hold him. She accepted his hand, and as soon as she did, he pulled her closer than he had in ages.

He pulled back a moment later and took her hand and turned it so the palm was up. Then he slid off his wedding band which had been knocked and nicked and damaged through the years, so that the gold was nearly flat on one side.

Mac stared at the ring. "Oh, Harm..." she cried."Ssh," he hushed her. "Our marriage," he told her. "Is like that ring. It's a little bit dented and a little bit bent, but still solid. We'll make it past this, Sarah. I'm not sure how, but we will."

She took the ring between her fingers and, still sobbing, reached out for his left hand. "I want," she choked out. "You to put this back on. We're still married, and...this is the outward sign of that." She slid the ring back where it belonged, where it'd been for six years. "I want you to leave it on. Don't...don't take it off again" she cried. "It hurts too much to see you do that and we're already hurting way too much."

He leaned over then and placed a soul stirring kiss on her lips. "I wasn't going to leave it off, Sarah. I don't want to take it off. I just wanted you to see, that's all."

She nodded, sobbing harder than ever. "Why did this happen to us?"

He backed away then, moving out of her grasp. "Because I failed you Sarah, as a husband and as a friend, but I'll make it up. I swear, on my father's name, I swear I will."

She clung to the pillow and sobbed some more as she heard him walk around the bed and close the suitcase she'd packed for him. He lifted the case from the bed and walked back to her. He didn't touch her again, but he asked softly, "I'll call you in the morning?"

She nodded silently, holding onto his pillow tears still streaming down her face. She stayed that way until she heard him leave, and long after that as she allowed her heart to break in two and her spirit to be immersed in total darkness.


	13. Chapter 13

**All Disclaimers apply**

**0543 ZULU**

**Robert's Residence**

**Roslyn, VA**

The knocking at the front door woke Harriet Roberts first. Bud was still snoring next to her. "Who on earth?" She nudged her husband.

"Hmm?" he mumbled. "What is it?"

"There's someone at the door. At one in the morning," she told him. "Hear that." Another knock.

"Ugh," he muttered, tossing the covers off of himself and sitting up. "I'll go check," he said. "You wait here." He slipped his prosthetic leg on and grabbed his bathrobe, trying the sash around his waist as he sleepily padded downstairs.

The knock came again as Bud neared the door.

"Who on earth?" he muttered as he reached the peephole. As soon as he saw who was standing on the other side, he quickly undid the deadbolt and the security chain and opened the door.

"Harm?" he said. "What...why are you here?"

"I uh..." He swallowed the fresh tears that threatened. He would not cry in front of Bud. "I uh, need a place to stay for the night." He held out his bag.

"Oh, God," said Bud. "You told Mac, didn't you?"

"Didn't have to," he replied in a tight voice. "Can I uh..." he gestured to the inside of the house. "Cold out here." He'd neglected to take a jacket to protect him against the harsh October night.

"Oh sure, of course, I'm sorry," said Bud as he stepped out of the way to allow his friend inside. "You want some coffee? Might warm you up."

"No, thanks," he replied. "I...I don't know what...I want Sarah, I want to be with her...she..."

"Bud!" Harriet called. "Who's down there?"

"Harm," he replied, answering her as loudly as he dare, hoping not to wake the kids.

"Harm?" Harriet asked herself as she made her way downstairs.

She wrapped her robe around herself and hurried downstairs, where the sight before her made her take a panicked breath. Harm was sitting on the sofa next to Bud, his expression one of complete and total despair. The table lamp was on, which didn't give off much light, but it didn't take much light for her to see that her friend had been very upset that night. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy, and his body language told anyone who saw him that he was a man who was hurting worse than ever before in his life. It was as if he had no life, no fight left in him, and he just wanted to curl up and die.

"Harm?" Harriet asked rushing over to him. "What happened? Is it Mac? One of the children?" She sat on the arm of the sofa and put her arms around him.

He couldn't help but begin to cry a bit. Harriet always knew when a person needed a hug. "The kids are fine," he said, his voice shaky with emotion. "Mac, she...she threw me out. For tonight, maybe longer." He knew where this was going, but at that point there was no reason to fight it.

"What?" Harriet asked shocked. "Why?"

Harm looked at Bud, unsure of what to say, not wanting him to get in trouble with Harriet for knowing things and keeping them from her. Bud gave him a reassuring nod, and with a deep breath Harm began to answer Harriet's question.

"The short version," he said, leaning back a bit from her friendly embrace. "Is I did something sick and stupid and I was going to tell her tonight, but before I had a chance, she...she found out."

"What did you do?" Harriet asked, her voice holding an edge that told Harm she all ready knew.

He forced himself to look her in the eye. He'd showed up at her house at an ungodly hour of the night, he owed her that much. "It's...it's what you're thinking it is. God, I..."

"You...slept with someone else?" she asked to verify it.

He nodded as he laid his head back against the sofa and put his hands over his face. Running his fingers through his hair, he sat back up. "There's more."

"More?" Harriet asked. "How could there be more, isn't that enough?"

It was more than enough, but that didn't change the reality that there was another terrible element to the story. "She's, Annie, she's...pregnant."

"Where's Mac?" Harriet asked him.

"Home," he said. "The baby might not even be mine, but-"

"That's beside the point," Harriet cut him off. "The point is you slept with another woman, that's the point. How is she?"

He sighed. "Not good. I got home from being TAD in Philly tonight and I was going to sit down and tell her everything, but before I could, she found...she found the suntan shirt I'd been wearing that night. It had lipstick on the collar and I'd shoved it between our mattress and box spring two months ago and forgotten about it. When I got there tonight, she threw it at me, we went a couple rounds, and she packed my bag and asked me to leave for tonight."

Harriet looked at Bud who nodded. "I'm going. She shouldn't be alone," she told him.

"I'm going to get dressed and you," she glared at Harm. "Give me the keys to the house." He reached into his pocket and handed them to her without a single word.

Harriet took off upstairs, and Harm turned to Bud, who was still sitting beside him. "She didn't ask if you knew about this," said Harm.

"Oh, she will," answered Bud. "Don't worry about me, though, you need to worry about you and Mac. Sounds like things got pretty ugly."

"They did," said Harm, staring straight ahead. "I was going to tell her everything. I stayed with Grams last night, requested an extra day of leave so I could see her and talk about all this with her. She told me that I needed to come clean to Mac. I needed to tell her everything and we'd deal with it together, like we dealt with the whole 'Meg fiasco' way back when. She even made me call home last night and tell Mac we needed to talk about something when I got home, just so I couldn't chicken out. I was going to tell her, Bud. I just didn't get the chance."

"That's not true and you know it," said Bud. "You may not have had a chance tonight, but you've had over two months full of chances that you let slip away."

"I know," sighed Harm. "I wasn't ready then. Hell, I wasn't exactly ready now, but I finally realized that it wasn't all about whether or not I was ready. I realized it too late, though. She's so angry with me, Bud."

"She should be!" he said. "Put yourself in her place, wouldn't you be angry?"

"Oh yeah," said Harm, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, unconsciously playing with his wedding ring. "It wouldn't have gotten so ugly if I'd just shut up when she went to pack my bag, but being the brilliant man I am I went in there and kicked off round two."

"What'd you do that for?" asked Bud.

Harm shook his head and leaned back on the sofa. "I don't know. I was afraid she wouldn't talk to me if I didn't, not that she had anything kind to say to me, but still, I was….I don't know, I said I needed to know that I still had a wife, and it went crazy from there."

"You're really afraid she'll leave you this time, aren't you?" asked Bud, his voice one of genuine concern.

Harm's answer came so softly he could barely hear it himself. "Yeah."

Harriet came down the stairs dressed in a jogging suit, her hair pulled back in a ponytail. "I'm leaving" she said. "Keep an ear out for the twins" she said to Bud. "They may need a bottle within another couple of hours." She turned her gaze to Harm. "You can stay here for tonight because you're our friend and we love you, but you better understand that this does not mean I condone what you did, because believe me, I don't."

"I know" replied Harm. "I'm sorry to drag you into the middle of this."

"You didn't" she said, matter-of-factly. "I'm choosing to get into the middle of it by allowing you to stay in my home for the night and by going to be with your wife, who is no doubt in a million little pieces by now." He nodded, not much he could argue. "I'm not sure when I'll be back" she said to Bud. "You may have to get the boys' breakfast."

"I can do that, Honey," he assured her. "Go on, go help Mac."

"Are Lucy and DJ there?" she asked Harm.

He shook his head. "She had AJ come get them when…after she found the shirt."

"Thank God," said Harriet. "Those babies do not need to be around any of this mess!" With that, she grabbed her jacket and purse and left through the garage door.

"Will Mac freak out when she hears someone come into the house?" asked Bud.

"I hope not," said Harm. "She'll probably think its me trying to come back in, and if so she'll just lay in bed and ignore me, well, who she thinks is me."

Bud shook his head. "So what do you think will happen now?"

Harm silently looked at the wall in front of him. "I don't know."

"When will she let you go home?" queried Bud.

"I'm supposed to call her in the morning" answered a very weary Harm. "She said we'll talk things out tomorrow because she doesn't want the kids to come home to the two of us fighting like we were tonight, but she needed some space tonight."

"She's not the only one," said Bud.

"I didn't want space, Bud," said Harm, looking at his friend. "I wanted to talk about this tonight, get it all out in the open so we could yell, scream, cry and say whatever we needed to say to begin to try and find some sort of direction on where we go from here!"

"Well, maybe if you'd told her sooner," said Bud. "You might have had that opportunity, but since you waited until she found out for herself, the choices weren't yours to make."

"I know," said Harm, rubbing his forehead with his fingers. "What time is it?"

"0155," said Bud, looking at the clock on the mantle. "You must be totally spent."

"Completely and totally," agreed Harm. "Mind if we call it a night? I doubt I'll really sleep, but I need to try."

"Sure," he said. "Hope you don't mind crashing on the sofa. Our guest room is now the nursery."

"Sofa's fine, Bud, thanks," said Harm, standing up slowly and walking towards his suitcase. "Can I hang this up?" he asked, pulling out the carefully folded uniform.

"I'll take it," said Bud, reaching out for the hanger. "How're you going to manage to get anything done at work tomorrow?"

"I have to go in for at least a few hours in the morning, submit my report from my TAD and take care of a few things," Harm told him. "But technically I'm still on leave."

"You definitely need it."

"Yeah, I do" he agreed. "Hopefully we can reach a civil point in things before the kids come back."

"When will that be?" asked Bud.

"I'm assuming by mid-afternoon" answered Harm through a yawn. "We can't just leave them with AJ indefinitely."

"Well, I know Harriet is big time upset with you right now," said Bud. "But we love you guys and the kids, and if you need us to take them at any point so you can talk, just say the word."

"Thanks, Bud," said Harm. "I better sack out before I pass out. Thanks for letting me stay here, I know you're in a sticky spot and-"

"Don't mention it," interjected Bud. "That's what friends do, they help each other. Try to get some sleep, Harm. If you need anything, I'll be upstairs."

**0615 ZULU  
Rabb Residence **

**Manassas, VA**

Harriet pulled up to the Rabb home a half hour later to find it dark. She put the van in park and carefully walked up to the front door. Using Harm's key she entered the residence.

Colleen's ears perked up at the sound of the door opening and the faithful animal left her mistress' side to see who was coming in. She walked over to Harriet, sniffed her, barked her greeting.

"Hey, Girl," she patted the dog's head. "Go lie down." Then she continued through the house, towards the bedroom where the dog had been. "Mac!" she called out. "Mac!"

"Harriet?" called Mac from beneath the covers of the master bed.

"Yeah," Harriet replied. "It's me. Are you okay?" She sat down on the edge of the bed next to her friend.

"Where's Harm?' asked Mac."Oh, God, did something happen to him? Is he okay?"

"Ssh," Harriet soothed. "Harm's all right. He's with Bud. He told us what happened and I figured if he had Bud...Is that okay?"

"That's fine," said Mac, relieved that Harm hadn't been in a wreck on the way to the Roberts' house after she'd made him go. "How..how is he?"

"He's very...he's hurting. He looks terrible," Harriet told her. "When I first saw him I thought the worst had happened, that something happened to you or the one of the children. I haven't seen him like that since DJ was in the hospital."

"God..." said Mac, pulling her knees up and resting her head upon them. She looked back up at Harriet just as the tears came again.

Harriet reached out and put her arms around her friend. "Let it out, Mac," she told her. "Let it out."

Mac leaned against Harriet's shoulder and cried her heart out. It all seemed like a bad dream; like any minute she'd awake from the horror and realize her life wasn't in pieces around her. No such luck.

"I just don't believe he did this..." she cried.

"I know," Harriet sympathized as she rocked Mac like she would AJ or Jimmy. "I know. I don't think he can either."

"He promised," she said, continuing to cry. "He swore after the last time, never again, and now, here we are again and it's a million times worse! What did I do wrong? Why did this have to happen?"

"Hey," Harriet scolded pulling back so she could meet her friends gaze. "This is not your fault. Did he say that?" Harriet felt any sympathy she had for Harm prepare to melt out of her if Mac answered in the affirmative.

"No, no, he didn't," said Mac, gasping for breath as she kept crying. "He said he was depressed about the endometriosis and that I...I'd pushed him away instead of bringing him closer. I know it's not my fault, what he did, but...part of me feels like if I'd pay more attention to him...if I hadn't kept him out of my pain, we wouldn't be in this mess."

"What do you think?" Harriet asked, remembering conversation Harm had with Bud in her kitchen over Irish coffees. He was in pieces over the wall Mac had put up, and even more shattered over the secret she kept for two long months. Only her secret was to protect...then again..."Why did you keep him away?"

"I didn't know how to tell him," Mac said, a touch calmer than before, but not much. "That I couldn't give him the family we'd dreamed of. I was afraid...I was hurting so much myself from the news...I tried to give myself space to think and in the process, I pushed him so far away that he felt like he didn't have a part in what I was going through. What he did was wrong and I know that's not my fault, but since he left tonight..." She paused as a sob overtook her. "Since he left, I've been thinking, and I see now that I did a lot of things wrong, too. It's no wonder he felt like a failure."

"Mac, you know as well as I do that Harm has a Superman complex," Harriet sighed. "He thinks he can fix everything and everyone and you of all people know how he gets when he can't fix something. All you were trying to do was protect him? Right?"

She nodded. "Still," she said, her voice shaking. "He had a right to know the truth, and because I was afraid of how he would feel, I chose not to tell him. Pretty much the same thing he did to me with this."

"Maybe," Harriet agreed. "But Mac, what he did...this was worse than Meg, this was...Never mind my opinion, what do you want to do?"

"I don't know," said Mac, looking somberly at the blanket beside her. "I know what I don't want to do. I don't want to lose him over this, but God, Harriet, he's having a baby with her, with that wretched woman! I'm just not sure we can get past that."

"Well, if it's any consolation, he told Bud and me that the baby might not be his," Harriet told her. "He has to have a reason for thinking that."

Mac looked up at her friend. "He didn't tell me that," she said. "Man, it'd be great if it wasn't his, it'd mean he wouldn't be connected to...her for the next however many years, but then it'd mean that she's an even bigger tramp than I gave her credit for being, and that she slept with...oh, hell, forget it. You're right, though; he has to have a reason for thinking it may not be his. That's not something he'd just throw out there at random."

"No, he wouldn't," Harriet sympathized. "Mac, if he wasn't so sick over this I wouldn't give a damn what happened to him, but he is. I think you need to talk to him, really talk to him. Maybe you should consider seeing Commander McCool again."

"We do need to talk," she replied. "We talked some tonight, you know, but it wasn't exactly productive. Maybe we should go see her. I know he won't want to, but I don't think he'll fight me on it if I tell him it's what I need from him. Do you?"

"No," Harriet replied. "She helped you so much that last time. You were closer than ever. Now, enough about this for now. Can I get you something? How do you feel?"

"Like my whole world came apart at the seams," answered Mac, melting into a puddle once more. She couldn't help it, her heart was broken and her life seemed more confusing than ever before, and that was saying a lot.

"Ssh," Harriet soothed. "It's going to be all right. Do you want some tea? Some water?"

Mac took several deep breaths; she knew she had to get a hold of herself. "Water, please," she said, reaching for a tissue from the box next to the bed.

"Okay," Harriet replied. "How about the uh...other situation? Do you need anything for that?" she asked.

"No" she answered, "I'm not really hurting like that tonight, but thanks." Maybe she was and her body just didn't now it on account of the enormous pain her heart was experiencing.

"Good," Harriet smiled. "I'll get you the water."

Harriet was gone only a few minutes before she was back with a glass of cool water and a damp wash cloth for Mac's face. "Here, wipe you face," Harriet told Mac.

"Okay," said Mac, taking the wash cloth and trying to calm herself down again. She was so glad Harriet was there, but that didn't change the fact that tomorrow was going to be one of the most difficult days of her life.

"Do you want me to stay here with you?" Harriet asked. "Should I call home? Tell me what you want me to do. I'm here to help you."

"Can you stay here with me?" she asked. "I know we all have to work tomorrow, but I don't want to be alone, not tonight."

"Okay," Harriet told her. "Just let me call Bud."

"Can you…" she began, then stopped.

"What?" Harriet asked.

"Can you ask him about Harm?" asked Mac, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

"Of course," Harriet replied. "I'll call from here. You try to rest okay?"

Harriet dialed her home number. Bud picked up on the first ring.

"Hey, sweetie," he said softly. "How's Mac?"

"She's bad," Harriet replied. "She's here, she's going to try and sleep. How's Harm? She's worried about him."

"He's not good at all," said Bud. "He's on the couch trying to get some rest, but when I was in the hallway checking on the babies, I could hear him sniffling. He's a mess, Harriet. I've never seen him like this."

"I know," she replied. "I've never seen anything like this, Bud. Ask him if he has anything he wants to know. She's so worried about him and she's the injured party here," Harriet sighed. "I can only imagine..."

"Yeah, I know," said Bud. "Hang on, I'll be right back."

Harriet turned to Mac. "Bud says he's trying to rest, but he's still very upset." Mac began to cry again, that is if she ever really stopped before.

"Do you want to talk to him?" Harriet asked.

"I...can't," said Mac. "Not yet."

"Okay," Harriet sighed. "Please try and stop crying."

Mac nodded and began to cry even harder. Never before had her heart been so broken.

Harriet slid onto the bed and put her hand on Mac's back. She moved closer and rested her head in Harriet's lap, crying against her even as she tried to console her.

"Harriet?" said Bud when he came back upstairs.

"I'm here," she said.

"Harm's still a mess," he said. "I think he'd just stopped crying when I went down there, and of course now he's started over again. I asked him if he wanted me to ask you anything about Mac, he said he wanted to know if she was okay. When I told him I already knew the answer to that, he really lost it. God, sweetie, what...what are we going to do?"

"I don't know," Harriet replied. "I'm so...Bud I'm really worried about...you know."

"Me too," he said. "I'm just not sure if they can get past this. I've never seen them so devastated before."

"How bad is he really?" Harriet asked now that Mac was finally asleep.

"Worse than I've ever seen anyone in my life," replied Bud. "I thought he was a wreck when DJ was sick, but this is a billion times worse than that. He's completely...broken. I hate what he did, but no one who were to see that man tonight or to look at him right now, sitting on our couch bawling his eyes out, could say he wasn't sorry for what happened. He's so worried about Mac, at least that's what he keeps saying, but I know it goes deeper than that. He's worried that this is it that she'll leave him. Has she indicated that to you that she wants to leave?"

"No," Harriet replied. "She says she doesn't want to lose him over this. She seemed receptive to my suggestion they go and see Commander McCool."

"I think they definitely need to see somebody," said Bud. "This is way too big for them to get through on their own."

"Bud, I think we need to get them out of work tomorrow," Harriet told him. "There's no way they can..."

"I was thinking the same thing" he said. "How, though? We sure can't tell the General any of this."

"We'll have to bluff," Harriet said. "I'll call Mac out to the SecNav, and you get Harm out with Cresswell."

"He's on leave all ready," he said. "What about the kids, their kids? They can't go back to the house until this is dealt with a lot more than it is right now."

"They're with AJ," Harriet sighed. "We can offer to take them, but Lucy has school...I have no idea what to do. Is he still crying?"

Bud leaned out the bedroom door and took a listen. "Yep. Pretty hard, too."

"Go, take care of him," Harriet told Bud. "She's finally asleep and it seems peaceful enough for now. Tell him that okay?"

"And Bud?"

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"I forgive you," she told him.

Bud smiled a little. "Thank you, Harriet. I love you."

"I love you too," Harriet replied. "Call me in the morning."

"I will" he replied. "Try to get some sleep."

"I will," she replied with a yawn. "Good night."

Bud walked back down the stairs and found his friend still lying on the couch in tears. "Harriet says Mac's asleep."

"Good," said Harm, still crying. "She needs to sleep."

Bud touched Harm's slumped shoulder, "So do you."

Harm shook his head. "I can't," he said. "Every time I close my eyes, I see her face, and God, Bud that look just..."

"I can't say I know because I don't," Bud sighed. "But I do know this. She's worried about you and the last thing I want to do is be the one to tell her you're sick or something because...well, that woman can take me."

If he hadn't been so consumed with guilt and misery, he would have smiled at Bud's effort to sheer him up. "I messed up so bad, Bud" he sobbed. "She's going to leave me, I just know she is and I can't live without her..."

"She's not going to leave you," Bud assured him. "She told Harriet she doesn't want to lose you. But I think she is going to want to go therapy."

"I'll do it," said Harm, wiping the tears from his face for the millionth time that hour. "I'll do anything to keep her." He tried to focus on calming himself down, but didn't have much success. "Did she...did Harriet say if Mac asked about me?"

Bud nodded, "She's very worried about you. That's why you need to calm down."

Hearing that Mac had asked about him and was worried about him made him feel a little better. He made himself take several long, deep breaths and concentrate on not crying.

"Do you want something to drink?" Bud asked. "Maybe some juice or water?"

Harm slowly sat up and draped his legs over the front of the couch. "Water, please," he replied, still wiping the tears from his face.

Bud got up and went to retrieve Harm's water.

"Here," he said handing the glass to her. "Drink it slow."

Harm took the glass from Bud and took a few small sips before setting it on the table and leaning back in the couch. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Sorry?" Bud was confused. "You don't have to apologize to me."

"Yeah, I do," said Harm, rubbing his face with his hands. "I've kept you up half the night with all this and that's not fair. I should've just gone to a hotel for the night, but I didn't think of it."

"You did the right thing coming here, if for no other reason than to make sure Harriet went to help Mac," Bud replied.

"I guess that's a plus," resigned Harm. "Damn, I have no idea how I'll even function at work tomorrow. It's what, 0400 by now?"

"Yeah," Bud replied. "Don't worry Harriet and I are going to help you and Mac out. You just lie down and try to get some rest."

Harm breathed a sigh of exhaustion and relief. "I don't know what we'd do without you two."

"Consider it payback," Bud replied. "Harriet and I would have been over before we started if not for you and Mac."

"Then we're more than even now" said Harm as he settled back down on the couch. "I think maybe I can sleep now, Bud. You've been a big help and a great friend."

"Do you want me to stay down here?" Bud offered.

"No, you go get comfortable in your bed," said Harm, "I'll be fine."

"Okay," Bud replied and headed for the upstairs. By the time he reached top of the stairs he could here a faint snore. With a yawn of exhaustion, he headed to sleep himself.


	14. Chapter 14

**All Disclaimers Apply**

**1312 ZULU**

**JAG Headquarters**

**Falls Church, VA**

Harm stepped off the elevator at JAG Ops a little after eight the next morning. He'd barely slept at all, and he had large dark circles under his eyes. In his hand he carried the folder that contained his report from Philadelphia.

"Good morning, Sir," Lt. Jonas greeted. "How's the Colonel?" Jonas was the newest Marine JAG and sort of Mac's pet. She was grooming him to eventually become her assistant in the SecNav's office.

Harm wondered for a moment why the Lieutenant was asking about Mac. Then it dawned on him, the SecNav's office no doubt called over and requested a fill-in liaison for the day. "She's okay," replied Harm. "A little under the weather, but she's okay."

"I was worried, Sir," he replied. "She's not usually out of work. I've seen her come in pretty sick, Sir."

That was no lie. She'd gone in on days when most people, if they felt the way she did, wouldn't budge from their bed. "Yeah, she's not out often," agreed Harm. "She's just really sick today, Lieutenant. Thanks for asking about her, though."

"Tell her I hope she feels better soon, Sir," Lt. Jonas requested then went about his duties.

Harm made it about halfway through the bullpen when he was stopped again. This time by Lt.J.G. Clark, who'd taken over Harriet's position. "Commander, is everything all right at home?" she asked. "The Secretary requested a substitute for Colonel Rabb. Is she okay?"

"I don't need this today," he thought to himself. "She's fine, Lieutenant," said Harm. "She's sick, but she's fine."

"Oh, all right, Sir," she replied. "Permission to speak freely?"

He nodded, not sure what he was getting himself in to.

"You look terrible, Sir," she commented. "Didn't you sleep?"

"Not much, Lieutenant," he answered. "That's why I only came in long enough to turn this in," he held up the folder in his hand. "And then I'm leaving."

"Try and get some rest, Sir," Lt. Clark advised. "You're no good to the Colonel like that." She let him get a few steps away then, "You're tie is crooked."

"Thank you, Lieutenant," he said as he continued to walk towards the General's office. He didn't much care if his whole damn uniform was crooked at that point.

"Good morning, Sir," PO Coates greeted. "I thought you were on leave? How's the Colonel?"

"She's sick, Petty Officer," said Harm, beginning to feel like a broken record. "And I am on leave, officially. Is the General in? I need to give this to him then I'm headed back home."

"He's in a meeting. He should be through in a moment," she answered. "What's wrong with her? Is it...?" Coates was one of the few that were privy to the more intimate details of Mac's illness as it had become necessary to inform her when they needed her to watch Lucy and DJ.

"Yeah," Harm said. "Something like that. I need to get back and make sure she's okay. I'll be in my office; could you call me as soon as the General gets back, please?"

Before Harm made it out of the room the General's door opened and Mic Brumby stepped out, dressed in the uniform of an Australian Navy Commander. "Commander Rabb," he greeted. "Blast from the past eh?" He extended his hand to Harm.

Harm felt his stomach lurch at the sight and sound of that guy. "Commander," he said, forcing himself to be civil. "What brings you here?"

"Exchange program, Mate," Mic replied. "Since I enjoyed my last one so much I thought I'd have another go at it. How's Sarah? I don't see her."

"Oh, don't even think about it, you cretin!" thought Harm as Mic's words registered in his mind. "She's great" said Harm, "she's assigned to the SevNav's office now as an advisor and JAG liaison."

"Oh, when did that happen?" Mic asked.

"About three years ago" answered Harm, "when she was pregnant with our son and had some complications We decided being here at JAG was too much for her, so she requested a transfer. Worked out great."

"Ah, you have a son? Harmon the Third?" he asked.

"Nope, David Jonathan" replied Harm. "We call him 'DJ' He's two and a half, great little guy."

"I'd love to meet him sometime," he smiled. "And of course to catch up."

"I'll catch you up, you..." thought Harm as he wished this conversation would end."That'd be great" he replied. "If you'll excuse me, I need to speak to the General for a moment before I head home. I was TAD last week and I'm still on leave."

"That's nice," Mic smiled. "I'm actually headed over to the SecNav's offices now. Any message for Sarah?"

"Like I'd tell you if there were, slimeball..." "No" said Harm, "and Mac's not there today. She's home sick." While he hated the reason Mac was home, he was thrilled that she wasn't in the office that morning.

"Oh, nothing serious I hope," he seemed genuinely concerned.

"No" said Harm, "just something that's been going around. She'll be fine." He was not about to go anywhere near the truth with that guy.

"Well, give her my best, will you, Mate?" Mic winked as he left the General's outer office.

Harm offered a half-hearted smile as Mic walked away. Of all the people he didn't need to see that morning, Mic Brumby was well towards the top of the list.

"Go on inside, Sir," Coates instructed. "The General can see you now."

"Thanks, Petty Officer" said Harm as he entered his CO's office.

"At ease, Commander," General Cresswell greeted. "Have a seat."

"Thank you, Sir" replied Harm. "Here's my report from the sexual harassment case, Sir." He handed the General the folder he'd been carrying around since he arrived.

"Thank you, I'll look it over at my convenience," he sighed. "You look like Hell."

"I feel like hell, sir" said Harm.

"Something you want to talk about?" he asked, his gruff Marine exterior not wavering.

"No, Sir...yes, Sir..." Harm stammered. "Things at home, they're...kind of strained right now. I didn't get much sleep last night."

"I hear Colonel Rabb is ill? Does that have something to do with your appearance? Crooked tie, wrinkled uniform, no wings?"

"No wings?" he asked, looking down at his jacket. Sure enough, no wings. "I apologize for my unkempt appearance today, Sir. We had a rough night last night, but that's no excuse."

"It might be if you'll tell me what's going on," General Cresswell pressed.

Harm sighed. He may as well let the General in on it. He had no way of knowing how long the fallout from last night's revelation would last, nor how far it would reach and if he needed some more time away from work in the coming weeks or months, it was only fair that the General know at least part of what was happening.

"I did something stupid, General" he began. "I was going to talk with the Colonel about it last night when I arrived home from TAD, but I didn't get the chance."

"What did you do?" he asked. "I won't order you to tell me, but I can help you if you need more time off or..."

"I slept with someone else, Sir." He just spit it out in a single breath and waited for the inevitable onslaught of his CO's wrath.

"Excuse me, Commander, did I hear you right?" Cresswell asked.

Harm slowly nodded. "I'm afraid you did, Sir. I'm...I can't even begin-"

"There is no excuse," Cresswell snapped. "And further, what is more inexcusable is that you are still here and not home trying to sort this out with your wife. I assume then that Colonel Rabb is not ill? At least not physically?"

"No, Sir, she's not" replied Harm. "Well, she may be by now, but her absence from work today is entirely my fault."

"I understand," the General sighed. "I appreciate your honesty with me. I will not be requiring Colonel Rabb's presence until Monday. Dismissed."

"Assure Colonel Rabb that I will see her duties are covered until Monday. Dismissed."

"Sir, I don't know how long this will take to work through" said Harm.

"Well, then," the General ordered. "Get out of my office and go home to your wife. That's an order, Commander."

Harm snapped to attention. "Aye, aye, Sir." With that, he took his leave of the General and returned to his own office.

Meanwhile at the Rabb home, Mac was doing no better than her husband. She'd gotten a couple hours of sleep, but it wasn't peaceful by any means. She'd awakened before sunrise and laid in bed, crying until she had a splitting headache. She got up to get some aspirin, then crawled back into bed and continued to cry. It was after eight when Harriet told her breakfast was ready.

Harriet sat down beside Mac, "Mac, I made you some oatmeal. Do you want to try to eat a little something?"

"I'm not hungry" said Mac wearily. She thought she heard children's voices coming from the family room. "Are your kids here?"

"Jimmy is playing with the twins," Harriet replied. "And you have to eat something."

"I can't" insisted Mac. "If I do, it'll come right back up. I'm too upset."

"Oh no," Harriet sighed. "We're not doing this. You are not just going to lie there like that. I won't have it."

"Harriet?" questioned Mac.

"Yes," Harriet replied. "I will not have this. You have two little children who are going to need you and Harm is going to call and you are going to have to deal with him. This is not the Sarah Mackenzie Rabb I know and love."

Mac rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. "I don't know what to do" she said. "I don't know what's going to happen and I'm scared. I'm scared that when that phone rings, I'll freeze up and-"

The phone rang just then. "Go on," Harriet encouraged.

Almost visibly shaking with fear, Mac reached out and picked up the phone. She looked at the Caller ID window; it was Harm. Witha deep breath, she pressed the "talk" button and placed the phone to her ear. "Hi" she said softly, determined not to cry.

"Hi," Harm's husky voice came over the phone. "How are you?"

"Not good" she answered. "You?"

"I've been better," he replied. "Is it all right for...Can I come home now?"

"Yeah" she whispered.

"Can I bring you anything?" he asked.

"No" she answered softly. "Just you. We have to talk. I can't go on like this."

"I can't either, Honey," he sighed. "You sound...awful."

She began to come apart again, but fought to keep it together. "I feel awful" she said.

"I'll be there soon," he told her. "And I...never mind."

"What?" she asked, "say it, please?"

"I was just going to...ask if I could hold you," he said shakily. "But I don't deserve that."

"No, you don't" she agreed, her voice wavering. "But yes."

He sounded a bit happier. "I'll see you soon." Then he hung up.

Harriet had been hovering near by for the entire conversation. "Well?"

Mac hung the phone up and looked up at her friend. "He's on his way home" she said. "He asked if...if he could hold me."

"What are you going to do?" Harriet asked.

"Let him hold me" she replied as the tears broke through. She cried for a moment, then found the strength to stop. "I need to get in the shower" she said.

"How about I help you curl your hair the way he likes," Harriet offered. "Nice and pretty."

"I don't think we have time" sniffled Mac. "He'll be here in less than thirty minutes."

"Well, you better get moving and I'll see what I can do," Harriet offered. "I'll make the bed."

"Okay, thanks" said Mac. As she was headed for the bathrom, the phone rang again. With a sigh, she turned around and went to answer it, but Harriet got to it first.

"Rabb Residence," she answered. "Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Dennis, she is sick today." A pause. "No this is her aunt, Mrs. Roberts. Thank you for calling." She turned to Mac. "Lucy's school wanted to know why she was truant today."

"I didn't even think about that" said Mac. "I should have called them myself this morning and I just didn't even think about it."

"It's okay," Harriet smiled. "Get in the shower."

Mac nodded and hurried off to get a shower. She knew she'd feel a little better afterwards, physically anyway.

Forty five minutes later, Mac sat with Harriet at the kitchen table, makeup on, hair curled, still waiting for Harm to arrive.

"I should call him" said Mac, reaching for the phone.

"Give him some time," he probably got stuck in traffic. "Try and eat more than a bite of that oatmeal."

Just then, she heard the familiar sound of a car door closing in the driveway. She looked at Harriet, already feeling her nerves begin to swell.

"It's okay, Mac," she comforted. "You're in the right here. Remember that."

"I don't know how this morning will go" she said. "If last night was any indication-"

"Last night you were both shocked and tired," Harriet reminded her. "Keep your cool, Colonel."

"I'll do my best" said Mac, mindlessly stirring the now cold oatmeal with her spoon. She heard him open the tiny key safe above the door and dig out the spare key. He unlocked and opened the door, coming face to face with his wife and their friend.

"Good morning, Harm," Harriet greeted to break the silence. "I'll just get the children and be going."

Harm nodded, knowing this was no time to be polite and ask her to stay. He looked at Mac, noticing how pretty she'd made herself up.

"You're beautiful," he whispered as he closed the distance between them and sat on the chair beside her. "And by the looks of it, not very hungry."

"No" she answered, pushing the cereal bowl away from herself. She looked at him. "You look tired" she noted softly.

"I am," he replied. "I'm sick over this, Mac, I..." He hung his head and let his shoulders slump. "We need to talk this out."

"I know" she agreed, her voice remaining soft and calm. "As soon as we're alone, we'll talk, and we won't stop until we..."

Harriet appeared then with the twins in their carriers and Jimmy at her heels. "I'll be on my way," she said. "Call if you need anything," she charged looking more at Mac than Harm.

"Thank you for helping out, Harriet," Harm said as he rose and opened the door for her.

"You're welcome" she replied, looking at him in a way which conveyed loud and clear that she was still highly upset with him.

Then she was out the door.

Harm closed the door after Harriet left and resumed his seat beside Mac. "I think you deserve the chance to speak first," he told her.

"Alright" she said, taking a deep breath as she formulated her thoughts, or tried to anyway. "I don't understand how this happened. How did we let this stupid disease do this to us?"

"I think its because..." he sighed. "I think its because since we've been married..." He stopped again. "Since we've been married we've been doing things wrong."

"I'm not sure I get what you mean?" she said.

"Well, what did we do right after we decided that we were met to be together?" he asked. "In Russia after my father..."

"You mean our first time?" she asked.

"Yeah," Harm replied. "And after I went and picked you up after Chris? What then?"

"Same thing" she answered softly.

"And after I got you off?" he asked. "And on the sub?"

"So you're saying we've been using sex in ways we shouldn't have?" she asked. "I don't think that's true. Those situations were all totally different."

"Not in ways we shouldn't have," he sighed. "But instead of talking we just stopped and...This is no excuse. But..." He put his head in his hands and let his shoulders collapse.

"But because we never really talked about things" she said, "once the disease came into the picture and we couldn't just go at it for any old reason, we..." He was right, it was no excuse at all for what happened with Annie, none. However, he had a strong case when it came to the loss of something she'd never realized was as integral to the survival of their particular marriage as it obviously was.

He didn't answer her, he just sat there.

"When did you figure this out?" she asked.

He looked up at her, blue eyes shining with tears. "When I felt myself losing you." The sight of his tears caused a fresh wave to fall over her. She buried her face in her hands and cried.

Harm rose from his chair and moved to Mac's side. He was hesitant to touch her, afraid she'd reject him, but at the same time he needed to touch her. He tentatively placed hand on her back. "Mac, tell me what you're feeling?"

She managed to regain control of herself after a moment. "I'm feeling so many things right now" she said, "I don't know where to begin."

"What's the strongest feeling?" he asked. "We have to do this Mac, its going to hurt us both, but we have to talk. Please, try and calm enough to try and work through it."

She nodded slightly, took a deep breath and answered him. "Loss. Loss of the life I used to have, of the intimacy we had for over 6 years, of...the complete and total trust I used to have in you."

"I'm feeling that too, Mac," he replied. "I feel like...I feel like I'm losing you. Maybe I have I..." he moved away from her and turned to stare out their kitchen window.

"I don't want to lose you, Harm" she said, "not over this or anything else. I know you're afraid that I'm going to kick you out of my life forever, but I...I couldn't do that."

"Then why did you ask me to leave last night? I needed you and I know you needed me..." he trailed off again.

"Look at what we were doing to each other last night!" she exclaimed. "We were both hurting far too badly to have hoped for a positive, meaningful conversation about this and to be completely honest...I needed to be away from you last night."

"I needed you in my arms last night," he sighed. "I know I have no right to say that but its true. I need you now, I need to be able to breathe again...I need for you to not look like your world is shattered."

"You're awfully willing to point out what you need" she noted. "You needed me in your arms last night; you need for me not to look like my world is shattered - my world is shattered, Harm! Don't you understand that? What about what I need? I'm trying, I'm really trying to talk with you here, but you're not making it easy."

"But you're not saying anything," he countered. "I want you to tell me what I can do to fix this. Please," he moved closer and reached out his arms. "Please, tell me what to do."

Seeing him standing there, looking more vulnerable than he'd looked in ages, she couldn't help it. She stepped towards him and wrapped her arms around his back, laid her head against his chest and cried for a solid three minutes.

Harm held her tighter than he ever remembered doing. He rocked her while she cried and placed tiny kisses on hair in between whispers of "I'm sorry, Sarah. I'm sorry."

"What are we going to do?" she asked through her tears. "What...you...you have to tell me more about...about...her." The mere thought of Annie made Mac cry even harder, as if she wasn't already on the brink of a complete meltdown.

"You need to try and calm down first," he told her. "Then I'll tell you everything you need to know. How about we sit on the couch?"

She took in a few shaky breaths and let them out slowly. Once she felt she could stand on her own, she stepped away from him and walked towards the couch. He followed right behind her, grabbing the box of tissues from the bar as he passed by.

He sat down next to her, leaving her a bit of space. He'd let her come to him. He handed her a tissue, "Blow your nose."

She took the tissue, wiped her nose and looked up at him. "I need you to tell me everything" she said. "You asked me what you could do to fix this, and..." She swallowed hard, fighting the urge to fall apart again. "I need to know. I can't...I can't tell you how to fix this if I don't know how broken it is."

"You want the whole story?" he asked.

Her reply was short yet so painful. "Yes."

"When I went to that cantina that night I had no idea that Annie was going to be there. I hadn't spoken to her since the Tiger Cruise. I only got those newsletters she sent out every Christmas," he began. "I had a really rough day, I was tired, my back hurt, and all day long I had been haunted by scenes of families that could barely keep body and soul together. I wanted to douse the ache a bit, so instead of a beer, I ordered a House Margherita."

He stopped and waited for her reaction.

She was looking down at the tissue in her hands. "Go on."

"I don't know how long I sat there drinking that one drink," he sighed. "I wanted to go back to the BOQ and talk to you and the kids, but...I didn't...I was sitting there looking in the drink when I felt a gentle touch on my arm. I looked over to see who it was and it was Annie. She smiled and asked how I was and we started to talk," he sighed and swallowed the lump rising in his throat.

"Obviously it wasn't a short conversation" said Mac softly.

"No," he sighed. "We got a table and ordered another set of drinks and some nachos. I told her all about you, about how we finally found each other after my father. I told her about Lucy and DJ. She told me somethings that weren't in her newsletters, how unhappy she was with her husband, how she still missed Luke, things like that," he paused again.

He took several breaths and rubbed at the pain in his chest.

"It hurts, doesn't it?" she asked, her voice tiny, broken.

"Yeah," he sighed. "It aches. This..." he sighed. "This is how I felt that night as she and I continued to talk I..."

"You what?" asked Mac. "God, please tell me you didn't think about doing what you did before you did it!"

"No," he rushed. "No. I started to tell her about your illness, what I felt about it, how much I worried about you. I told her a lot of things, how I felt at the loss of our intamacy, and how much I was hurting for you and maybe in someways because of you. At one point she reached over and touched my hand, she told me I had needs too and you should be sensative to that. Then she asked me if I wanted another drink. I'm not sure why I said yes, I just wanted the pain to go away." He was starting to tear up again, but hastily wiped his eyes.

It would have been very easy at that moment for Mac to feel that he was blaming her for what he'd done, but she knew better. She'd seen his pain in recent months as her disease ripped away at the seams of their marriage. "I never forgot your needs, Harm" she said, her chin quivering as she watched him wpie his tears away. "Or your pain."

"I know," he sighed. "But I was...I couldn't share it with you, do you understand? I felt like...she was my best friends wife. She knows things about me that no one, not even Grams knows and I thought if I can't tell her, who can I tell?"

"I thought you could tell me everything" said Mac, tears flowing again.

He hung his head and shook it. "Not this, Mac. I couldn't tell you how I was feeling because...I wanted to take away your pain, not add to it. Before I knew what was happening she asked me to dance. It was some fast Spanish tune and I needed to work off some steam so I said okay. We danced some and had some more margheritas. Finally, it was time for me to hit the rack, I was tired and I had to meet with the Ambassador the next day. I had had a few too many so she walked with me to the car. I remember her touching my face, telling me how lucky she though you were, and how you should appreciate me more and...I'm not sure if she kissed me or I kissed her, but...the next thing I knew we were in a room near that cantina."

"You remember what happened in the room?" she asked, almost afraid to but knowing she needed to, for both their sakes.

"Not all of it," he replied. "I remember her putting her arms around me, telling me she missed me and that...all of these things that I really needed to here. That you were lucky, that I was a good man, a good husband...I needed to hear those things to not for just a little while feel like a failure." He took another breath. "I don't remember kissing her, and I don't remember getting into bed with her. I remember getting into bed with you."

"But it wasn't me, Harm" she said through her tears. "Didn't you know that?"

He shook his head, "I don't know. On some level I guess I did, but when I woke up the next morning and felt her move...I called her Sarah."

"Nice touch, Casanova." She reached for a fresh tissue.

He gave a tiny smile, he couldn't help it. "We talked and decided that it was a mistake, that it should be added to the library of memories we had with each other, and left in Mexico. That's about it."

"Until that day at the doctor's office" said Mac. "That didn't tip you off at all that she was..."

He shook his head, "Not really I was so worried about you that I didn't even think about it. Women get check ups."

He had a point. "I'm willing to bet" she said, "that she already knew she was pregnant when she showed up here and crashed Lucy's party. She probably only came to feel you out, to figure out the most maniacal way to tell you, and what's this I hear that you told Bud and Harriet that the baby might not even be yours?"

"She claims the baby is mine, but she does, did have a husband, and God knows if she was with anyone else. That, and I remember using a condom. I know I did, because the level the registered what I was doing...that and because of what Dr. Bradley said about a baby...if we ever did I wanted to protect you so...More though, I felt Lucy and DJ, like you did. I don't feel this baby, Sarah."

"Well at least you were responsible while you were being irresponsible" she said.

Harm was about to speak again when the phone rang. They both stared at each other.

"Let the machine get it," he told her. "We're not done here."

"Hello, Mac. It's AJ. Listen um, I really am going to need something to tell Lucy. She's crying for Harm and..."

He jumped off the couch and ran to the kitchen to grab the phone. "AJ, I'm here" he said. "What's going on?"

"Its Lucy," he sighed. "She's crying for you. She says her head hurts and I can't calm her down."

"Oh boy" replied Harm with a sigh. "Hang on a sec, AJ." He stepped into the living room and asked Mac "did you send the Tylenol with Lucy?"

"No," she replied. "I didn't think of that? Why is she sick?"

"AJ said she had a headache and she's crying for me and he can't calm her down. What should I tell him to do? I don't think we're ready for them to come back yet."

"Ask him if he can settle her with one adult regular strength Tylenol and a video. If not we'll have to let her come home," Mac replied. "I don't want her to be by herself if she's sick. The children have to come first."

"Yeah, they do" he agreed. "AJ" he said, going back to the phone conversation, "do you have any regular strength Tylenol, just the plain stuff for adults?"

"Yeah, I have regular and extra," he replied. "Is that safe?"

"Yeah" answered Harm, "just give her one of the regular strength ones, grind it up in a little juice and have her drink it but don't tell her what's in it. See if that and a video helps at all, and if it doesn't, call us back and I'll come get her."

"Okay, thank you," he replied. "What's going on over there? Is Mac sick? She was awfully upset last night."

"Uh, yeah, she's not feeling too hot" he answered, "but she'll be okay. We'll call you when we're ready to come get them, if we don't hear from you before then, does that work?"

"Yeah, I'd keep them forever you know that, but the Cookie Bun here is pretty upset so I figured I'd better call," he sighed. "Tend your wife. I'll handle you...DJ, do not throw my keys in the toilet!" With that the Admiral hung up.

Harm laughed at the Admiral's plight and returned to Sarah with hint of smile on his lips.

"Will she be okay with him, you think?" asked Mac, who'd calmed down a touch during the break.

"I think so," he replied. "He'll cuddle her if she needs it. We need to finish this, our children are going to need us to be able to be civil to each other."

"Yeah" she sighed. "Back to...Annie" Mac said, forcing that name from her lips like some awful tasting food. "That night she called and had you meet her in DC, what was...?"

"Yeah," he replied. "That's when she told me she was pregnant. I told her I want a DNA test the minute the baby is born, but she wanted me to take "responsibility" before that."

"Are you going to?" she asked. "Take responsibility before then?"

"When I told her no she...she threatened to call you and tell you what happened. I couldn't let that happen, if you ever found out I wanted it to be from me. I told her after much debate that I would go to her sonogram with her and help in case of an emergency. She wanted me to be there for the birth, and Lamaze, but I can't do that." He felt another tear slide down his cheek.

"No, you can't" agreed Mac, feeling the anger swell up inside. "Those are all the thing you...did with me and we were supposed to, oh, God, Harm, what about the baby we were gonna try for? What about that?" She broke into sobs again at the idea that Annie would be doing all the things she wanted to be doing, and the chance that Annie's baby was Harm's made it hurt so much more.

"We can still have that, Sarah," he told her. "That's your choice." He waited a beat. "Do you want to come here?" He opened his arms.

She nodded, but was too upset to move towards him. "Come hold me" she sobbed. "Please."

He moved closer and put his arms around her, gently rocking her. "I'm going to make this up to you. I swear I will. Just please tell me how," he begged his own voice catching on a sob.

"We need help" she cried. "We can't do this ourselves. It's just too much."

He nodded. "Then we get help. I'll do anything if it means not losing you," he replied. "I can't stand the thought that could happen."

"I don't want that to happen" she said, sobbing against his shoulder. "I feel like I've already lost so much of you and so much of us, I can't...I don't want to lose you, Harm, Oh God, I don't!"

He rubbed her back as she cried. "You won't. You haven't...I'm the one...So where do we go from here? I just wish it could all go away, that we could go back to before. Can we?"

"No" she replied, her face covered in tears. "No."

"So what? I move out until we can get our act together?" he suggested loathing that idea.

She felt another wave of tears overtake her. "No" she said, "I can't...I can't stand the idea of you not being here and not being a part of the family. I also can't...stand the idea of you sleeping in our bed right now. I think it would be best if you slept in the gest room until we can...can get through some of this."

"Whatever you need," he replied. "I'll do whatever it takes to save us, Sarah. Whatever it takes."


	15. Chapter 15

Standard Disclaimers Apply

**1807 ZULU**

**Rabb Residence**

**Manassas****VA**

"When do you want me to move?" he asked her, arms still holding her close as she cried.

"I think now would probably be best," she sighed. "We have to get Lucy and DJ soon and I want us to explain to her what's going on, at least on a limited basis," Mac replied pulling back from his chest.

"Yeah, we need to tell her something," agreed Harm, his heart breaking at the thought of explaining this mess to his baby girl. "Tell me what you need me to take from our room," he asked her softly. "What can stay and what needs to go?"

"Your pillow, your cologne, your clothes, at least the seasonal ones all have to go," she told him. "Your CDs, the boom box, your guitar stuff, all that goes. You can leave the books, the guest room doesn't have a place for those and your off season clothing and uniforms can stay. Everything else goes."

"Okay," he answered with a sigh. Obviously she needed everything that was "him" taken out of their room. He understood, but still, it was beyond difficult to wrap his mind around.

"You better get moving," she sighed. "We can't impose on AJ forever."

"You don't want to help with this, do you?" he asked, all ready knowing the answer in his gut.

"Why would I...no better why should I help with this?" she asked. "I'm tired, I feel awful, and I would like to rest. You can move your own things," she told him.

"Yeah, I can," he replied, his voice as calm and even as could be. "I only asked because I didn't want to assume anything, that's all. You rest or whatever you want to do; I'll go...take care of it."

"Good," she snapped and leaned her head back on the couch.

The walk down the hallway to their bedroom was never so long as it was just then. When Harm reached the door, he stopped and stood there for a moment before going in. He wanted to get this done as quickly as he could, yet something deep inside told him that wouldn't be easy. He changed out of his uniform and into jeans and a sweatshirt, then sat down on the bed with a heavy sigh.

"Where do I begin?" he asked himself. She'd said his pillow had to go, so he reached up and grabbed it, tossing it onto the floor by the door. The bed looked so big with only Mac's pillow at the head. His guitar was propped up in the corner against the wall, where it'd been since they moved in to the house. Rising from the bed, he picked it up and remembered back to the times he'd played a silly little song to make Mac smile, or when his romantic side struck, he'd played her a love song or two. Shaking his head, he walked over to the door and leaned the guitar against it.

He went into the master bathroom and gathered the essentials from in there, tossing most of them into the toiletry bag he used when he went TAD. Something kind of ironic about that, at least he thought so. He reached into the shower and grabbed his soap and shampoo, tossed them into the bag and zipped it up, carrying it with him as he went back into the bedroom. He picked up his pillow and guitar and decided to make the first of several trips to the guest room.

He flipped the light switch and looked around at the space which was, temporarily, his. Mac had it decorated in soft pinks and blues, very cheery and inviting. It looked nice to the outsider, but to him it may as well have been painted prison gray. He brought it on himself, though; he knew that beyond any doubt. He poised the guitar against the far corner wall, set his bath stuff on the dresser, and tossed his pillow onto the double bed before heading back to the master suite for another load.

"I'm doing okay," he thought to himself as he walked back down the hallway. He was, all things considered, that is until he went to his closet and began pulling out his uniforms. He grabbed a fistful of them and laid them on the bed, flipping through them to take only the ones he needed to; the winter ones. He felt his heart sink like a stone in the ocean when in the process he came face to face, again, this that lonely pair of suntan pants. As the lump in his throat grew, he snatched them off the hanger and threw them against the wall before dropping to his knees and letting the tears flow once more.

Knowing he had a job to do, he pulled himself back together after a few moments, finished sorting his uniforms and tossed his CD's into an empty box. He was about to take those things to the guest room when he heard the phone ring.

It rang twice before he went to get it. "She must be asleep," he thought as he reached for the receiver. Clearing his throat, he answered. "Rabb."

"Harm, it's AJ again. You're going to have to come and get Lucy," he told him. He sounded off.

"Is she still crying?" asked Harm, taking a seat on the master bed.

"No, she's asleep, but she felt warm so when I took her temperature, it's almost 103!" AJ informed him. "I have her lying on my couch with a fan on her and a cold cloth. She keeps whimpering for you and Mac. DJ, well he's another matter."

"Being himself, I hope?" asked Harm as he rose from the bed and went to grab his tennis shoes.

"He was, but now he's sitting next to Lucy being quiet. Poor little guy's worried and frankly so am I. She never gets sick," AJ said as if Harm didn't know that. "But you do own me a new shirt and a new bathroom carpet," AJ added.

"Oh boy," said Harm, managing a little chuckle as he thought about all the things that could mean. "We'll, uh, I'll be there within a half hour."

"How's Mac? I was worried last night. Are you bringing her with you?" AJ asked.

"She's...well, she's been better, but she's hanging in," answered Harm. "You know how she is. I'm not sure if I'll bring her with me or not; I'll let her make the call on that one."

"Okay," AJ sighed. "Just hurry. If she wakes up and sees only me here..."

"Understood," replied Harm. "Thanks, AJ."

"No problem," he replied before hanging up.

Harm turned off the lights in the bedroom and returned to find Mac asleep on the living room couch.

He reached down and gently patted her on the shoulder. "Mac? Wake up, please."

Mac jerked when she felt Harm's hand on her shoulder. "What?" she asked. "I'm trying to get some sleep." She looked at his hand and moved it, "We are going to need to set some ground rules until we start working through this thing. Now what?"

"AJ just called," he said, knowing now was not the time to start round 3 or 4 or whatever they were up to at that point. "Lucy's running a fever and needs to come home. You want to come with me or should I go alone?"

At his word Mac leapt from the couch, "Of course I'm going. How high is it? Is she crying?" Mac's maternal side was coming out full force.

"103," answered Harm. "And she's not crying. He said she's asleep on the couch with a fan blowing on her and a cold cloth. I don't know what's up with her. She never gets sick."

"Well, tomorrow morning we're going to find out," Mac told him. "We're taking her to the pediatrician. Your car or mine?" She asked pulling on her jacket.

"Did he take the car seats from yours?" asked Harm.

"Yeah," she replied and picked up her keys. "Let's go."

He followed, closing the door behind him.

**1951 ZULU**

**AJ Cheggwidden's Residence**

**McClean****VA**

In record time Harm and Mac arrived at AJ's house in McClean. They barely spoke on the way over there, except to say that they'd hold off on telling the Admiral and Lucy for the time being. They walked up to the Admiral's door and out of habit Harm took Mac's hand. Scared for her baby, she let him hold it.

AJ had been watching at the window for them since Lucy had woken up five minutes before and started to cry hysterically for her parents. The always in control Admiral looked frazzled at the child's wails.

"Lucy, it's okay," said Harm, rushing through the door the second AJ opened it and he could hear the little girl wailing. "Come here, baby. It's okay."

Mac was at his heels, rushing to her child. "What's the matter, Lucy?" she asked. "Tell Mommy."

"Let daddy hold you, Button," he said, picking his daughter up and rocking her gently.

"Harm, she has to tell us what's hurting her so we can tell the d-o-c-t-o-r tomorrow," Mac told him. "Lucy, baby, can you tell me?"

Lucy lifted her head weakly from her fathers shoulders, "My head hurts and I can't hear good," she sniffled then buried herself back into Harm's arms.

"Sounds like an ear infection to me," said Harm to Mac. "Think so?"

"Yeah," Mac replied. "We better get her home. Where's DJ?"

"He fell asleep with her, I put him on my bed," AJ said. "I'll get him."

While AJ went to get DJ, Mac turned her attention back to Lucy, "Do you want to come to Mommy, Sweetie?"

"Uh-huh," whimpered the 5-year-old as she reached out towards her mother. Harm leaned down a little to make the exchange easier.

"I wanna go home," said Lucy, beginning to cry full volume again.

"We are, sweetie" said Mac. "We need to get your brother and grab your Pooh bear and your other things and then we'll go."

"Here's your little guy," said AJ as he entered the room with a still sleeping DJ in his arms.

"Wow," said Mac, "I can't believe he's still asleep. Usually any movement like that will wake him right up."

"He's pretty tired," said AJ. "He was up late last night, didn't sleep very late this morning and this is the first time he slowed down all afternoon."

"That much I believe for sure," said Harm, gently touching his son's baby-fine hair. "Where are the Navigator keys? I need to go move their seats."

"Spare sets on top of the fridge," answered AJ. "I figured it was about the only safe place for them after your son somehow got the other set off my dresser and sent them for a swim."

Harm smiled and shook his head. "Sorry about that. Looks like he's taking after his big sister."

"Speaking of his big sister," said Mac, sitting down in the recliner with Lucy. "We need to get her home, Harm."

"I know," he said as he headed for the kitchen to get the keys to AJ's vehicle. "I'll be right back."

"This guy is getting heavier by the day," said the former Admiral as he held DJ, the child's head resting against his strong shoulders.

"Tell me about it," said Mac, caressing her daughter's back as they waited for Harm to move the car seats. "He's bigger than she was at his age."

"He'll no doubt be tall like his dad," said AJ. "Don't you think?"

Mac felt her heart ache. For the first time ever, she had to work at getting excited about one of their children taking after their father. Despite the tension they were drowning in, she loved him madly, deeply, which served to complicate the situation as well as make it a battle worth fighting.

"Probably so," she replied with a half smile. Just then, the front door opened and Harm entered the room.

"Is this all their stuff?" he asked AJ, pointing to the overnight bags and jackets by the door.

"I think so," answered their former CO.

"Take her on out to the car," he said to Mac. "I'll get this stuff and him."

Mac rose and carried Lucy to the car, the little child starting to cry for her father again. She was so sick she didn't know what she wanted.

AJ watched Mac carry Lucy out, and Harm took DJ from AJ and started after her. "Harm," AJ spoke and stopped him. "What's going on between you and Mac, you can cut the tension with a knife."

Harm sighed and looked down at the ground. "We're having some problems right now. I'm sorry if we made you uncomfortable, we didn't mean to."

"I'm just concerned," he replied. "Cryptic phone calls and now this...Anything I can do?"

"You did a lot by keeping them for us last night" said Harm. "Things, uh...things got a little heated when I got home from Pennsylvania, and we're...we're glad the kids were here instead of there."

"Did you do something stupid, Rabb?" AJ asked. Harm did have a tendency not to look before he leapt.

No sense in lying. This man could chew him up one side and down the other in no time flat if he so much as suspected Harm was feeding a line of garbage. "Really stupid," Harm answered. "Really...really stupid."

"Harm," Mac called. "Come on, she's shaking here. I want to get her home and into bed."

"You can enlighten me when the little one is better," AJ replied. "Word of advice, bring her flowers. She'll forgive you."

Harm looked AJ in the eye as he'd done so many times before and shook his head. "Not this time."

AJ let it go and watched as Harm went and joined his family. He put DJ in his seat then helped Mac put Lucy in hers. Mac squeezed in the back of the car with Lucy, leaving Harm to ride alone in the front.

**2023 ZULU**

**Rabb Residence**

**Manassas****VA**

The drive back to Manassas was fairly quiet, the silence punctuated only by Lucy's occasional whimpers and cries and her parents' attempts to soothe her.

When they got home Harm took Lucy in the house first and settled her on the sofa leaving DJ to Mac. She had a hard time with him, he knew but his primary focus was on his daughter.

"Take her temperature again," Mac instructed when she'd made it inside.

"Okay," he said, going to get the thermometer from the hall bathroom.

Mac carried DJ into his room and put him in his toddler bed so that he could continued his much needed nap. Then she returned to Lucy with a bucket of cold water and a face cloth.

"Temp's right at 103," said Harm. "She can't have any more Tylenol yet, either."

"What are we going to do?" she asked him, trusting him with this even though at the moment she could barely tolerate his presence.

Harm remained remarkably calm, sensing that he had to for everyone's sake, most of all Lucy's. "We'll keep her as cool as we can with the wet cloths," he said. "And we need to get her to drink as much as we can. I'll get her a cup of diluted juice while you wet her down."

Mac laid Lucy on the sofa and began to remove her shirt. She did that with relative ease. Then she dipped the wet cloth into the basin and began to wipe her forehead and cheeks.

"UMM," Lucy whimpered and turned her face away. "No. It's cold," she whimpered, starting to cry. "Mommy, no." She opened her blue eyes and looked at Mac.

"Mommy's sorry, Lucy," Mac apologize. "But I have to. I promise when I'm done you'll feel more comfortable."

"Here, Button," said Harm as he entered the living room with a cup of diluted apple juice. "I need you to drink as much of this as you can for me, okay? It'll help you feel better."

She shook her head and turned her face. "No, it hurts to swallow."

"Lucy, please," Mac pleaded as she moved the cloth to her neck.

"Do you want a popsicle instead?" asked Harm, thinking of anything he could to get liquid into her.

Again she shook her head. "Sleep," she sighed and closed her eyes. "Can't cause its cold."

"Let's let her sleep for now," he said to Mac. "Maybe it's what she needs most right now."

"We have to get this fever down, Harm," Mac said. "It's too high." This as Lucy's little body started to quake with chills.

"If we fight with her, it'll only go higher," he said, remaining calm throughout. "Let's get her comfortable, put a light blanket over her and we'll wake her up in an hour and check her temp again. If it's no better, I'll call her doctor and see what we need to do, okay?"

Mac nodded, "Lucy, do you want to stay here or go in your bed."

"I wanna lay in your bed," she said. "With you and daddy."

"Lucy," Mac began prepared to gently deny her.

"Okay, sweetheart," said Harm. "You can do that, sure." He looked at Mac, fearing the glare she was likely sending his way, but he could see in her eyes that she knew this was best for now.

Harm picked up the ailing child and carried her to the master bedroom. He laid her in the middle of the bed as Mac climbed in beside her

"Daddy?" Lucy asked softly. "Where's your pillow?" she murmured into his neck.

He looked at Mac, exchanging a semi-panicked stare. "I think it's in the other room, Luce," he answered. "Do you want me to go get it?"

"S'posed to be here," she whined as she snuggled to the spot where his pillow should be.

"I know it is," he said, hoping she wouldn't press him too hard on the matter. "I'll go get it, okay?"

Being a true Rabb though, she did. "Why's it there?"

Mac swallowed a sob at her daughter's question. She could see the pain in Harm's eyes as well, but she felt if he'd done the action that precluded the pillow being in the other room, he could field the question.

"Because..." He had to think fast. "Daddy had it in his hand and set it on the other bed this afternoon." It wasn't a lie...exactly.

"S'okay," she sighed and fell asleep with her Mommy stroking her soft hair.

"She's out," Mac said to Harm as she continued to stroke Lucy's hair. "She's burning up."

"Let's give it another 45 minutes" he said. "That'll be roughly 4 hours since AJ gave her the Tylenol, and if she's still hot we can give her more or we can call the doctor's office, whichever you want, okay?"

"I want her to be all right," Mac said. "I want everything to be the way it was yesterday," she said as she absently stroked her daughter's hair, then moved to her back. "But that's not to be. Is it?"

"Mac, please," he said. "Not with her right here. Let's take this back to the other room. I know we need to talk some more, you know it, too."

"I don't want to leave her. If she wakes up she'll be scared. She asked us to stay with her," Mac reminded him.

He nodded. "When can we talk? We have to figure a few things out before she asks a question we don't have a half-truth answer for."

Mac looked at Lucy's face, peaceful in sleep. "We can talk now. We need to."

Again, he nodded. "Calm and quiet?"

"I don't make promises I can't keep," she said flatly as she slid off the bed, knowing that remark would hit him where it hurt, where she hurt.

With a sigh, he carefully rose from the bed and followed her to the living room.

Mac sat down on the sofa, and tucked her legs beneath her. "You wanted to talk, talk," she told him.

"What are the rules you said we needed to lay out?" he asked as he sat a few feet from her at the other end of the sofa.

"Harm...we're in trouble," she sighed. "We can't act like everything is fine. So first, we need to tell people, AJ, General Cresswell...they'll find out eventually anyway. I'm not living anymore lies."

He looked down at the floor as she spoke to him. "AJ asked me what was going on with us," he said. "Why things were so tense?"

"Well you'll have to tell him," she answered.

He nodded. He was not looking forward to that conversation. "Okay, so we need to tell people. What do you think we should tell them? I don't think the exact details are anyone's business but our own."

"Tell them whatever you want, tell them we're having problems," she replied.

"That's what I told AJ this afternoon" said Harm. "I know I need to tell him a bit more than that, but for now that's all he knows. What else?"

She sighed, "Do you know why I'm letting you stay here?"

"You said earlier it's because you can't bear the idea of me not being here and being a part of the family. Is that...not true? I want to be here, Mac. I need to be here so we can work through this together. That's what you want, too, isn't it?"

"That's a big part of it, Harm," she replied. "But Lucy and DJ are the primary reasons. I want them to have their Daddy we both know what its like to lose parents for whatever reason. But...I need you to understand something."

"Okay," he said. "What's that?"

"We are not okay. Just because I let you hold me before doesn't mean you can touch me at will. I would like it if you kept your hands to yourself, or at least asked my permission. I'll grant you that same consideration," Mac outlined like a plea bargain.

He leaned against the back of the sofa and stared up at the ceiling. "I...I understand. I kind of figured that not touching you went along with you not wanting me in our bed right now." He was quiet for a moment, clearly thinking about what to say next. "I do have a question for you, though."

"All right?" she sighed and straightened up.

He rubbed his hands over his face, a nervous trait he'd possessed as long as she had known him. "What do you want to do about...ah, never mind, I already know."

"No tell me," Mac pressed. "Silence is how we got into this mess."

He nodded; she was right. With a deep breath, he continued. "What do you want to do about our plan to start trying for one more baby? I know it sounds like the dumbest thing I could ask you after you just kicked me out of our room and asked me to keep my hands off you, but...it's important to me and I know, I mean I think it's important to you and I just...I need to know where your heart is on that right now."

"We can't even think of trying for a month, Harm," she replied. "Let's play it by ear. But..." She licked her lips and stopped.

"But what?" he encouraged.

"I'm glad that you said it's important to you," she replied. "I thought maybe since you're getting another baby you wouldn't need this one." She touched her belly.

He sat up on the edge of the sofa and faced his wife. "Mac, there's no proof that Annie's baby is mine, none. I know it's possible, but it's not been proven and the more I think about it the less likely it seems that it's mine. Regardless, though, the baby that you and I want to have together, my God Mac, that means as much to me as getting things back to the way they used to be. I want that so much - the baby with you and...and the life with you that we had before I went and screwed it up. I haven't given up on that plan, Mac, on trying for that miracle baby. If you still want that, I do, too."

"I don't...I have to think about it, but I can tell you one thing," she sighed. "We'll never get back to before."

"How can you say that, Mac?" he asked, clearly hurt and upset. "How can you say 'never'? Never is a long time, hell its forever and I don't see after I found a way to forgive you, truly and totally forgive you for Chris, that you can say there's no chance you'll forgive me for this! That is what you're saying, right?" He held his breath, hoping he was wrong.

"Chris has nothing to do with this, Harm," Mac sighed. "Its apples and oranges."

"Apples and..." He sighed. "The situations may be different, but what they both come down to, ultimately, is forgiveness. I know that I don't have a right to sit here and ask you to just get over what I did and we pick up and move on; that's not what I'm asking. I'm laying it all out here, Mac. I'm asking you to tell me what you need from me, to tell me what I have to do to even begin to help us get through this, and I'll do whatever you ask me to...but it'd be nice if I knew how much you think anything I can do will really help. Are you going to hate me forever?" Again, he held his breath.

She sighed, "I don't hate you. I lo...I'm just upset, Harm. And okay, you forgave me for not telling you about Chris, for lying to you about killing him and I know that I never deserved that. I forgave you for Meg Austin. I think the difference is we were only newly married...I mean we barely...we just dove right in, we didn't even consider..." She stopped and looked at his eyes, pain evident in their depths. "Please don't think I hate you; just don't ask me to tell you it's all right."

He nodded slowly. "I know it's far from alright, Mac. Believe me, I know that. It feels good to hear you say you don't hate me, though. I'd...I'd understand if you did." He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees as he thought. "Do you have a plan for all this? I mean, how long do I need to stay away from you; how much space do you think you need? I'll give you anything you ask for, Mac, I just need to know."

"I don't know what I need," she replied. "I know I need my husband, I know that...but he's not here anymore." Her voice caught and for what seemed like the millionth time she began to cry.

He felt the old, familiar pain of that knife twisting in his gut as he watched his wife dissolve into tears. "Mac...don't cry, baby...I...see, this is what I mean - I need to know what I should be doing for you and..." He ran his fingers through his hair, another nervous habit of his. Moving just a little closer to her, "You tell me in one breath to stay back and keep my hands off you, and in the next you say you need me. I'm still here for you; I want you to know that. If you need me, I'm here. I'll hold you while you cry, or I'll walk away and leave you alone; whatever it is that you need the most." He began to reach out a hand to her, but decided against it. He had to let her be the leader.

She didn't answer him right away. She kept crying trying to breathe. Finally, "I don't know what I want. You've...you've been telling me what to do for so long...I..." She took a deep breath. "Hold my hand."

He reached out and took her left hand, wrapping it both of his. As he sat there, looking at his wife in pieces once more, he felt another familiar feeling; this one the gathering of his own tears. "I'm still here, Mac. I'll give you all the space you need, but I'm still here."

"I need you to do something else," she said after another moment.

"Just name it and I'll do it," he said as he brushed away a couple of his own tears.

"Call Bethesda and make the first appointment you can with Commander McCool. We need help...I need help and..." She looked up at him, meeting his eyes. "I don't want to wait until the space is so wide we can't cross it."

"Me either, Mac," he replied softly. "I'll call in a couple minutes, and I don't care if I have to rearrange every minute of my work schedule or take some days off, whenever we can get in there is when we'll go, no matter what." He caressed the back of her hand as he spoke, working hard to keep from breaking down as she sat beside him and continued to cry.

Mac was about thank him and snuggle closer when they heard DJ call from his toddler bed. "Mommy! Out!"

"He can't see us like this," said Harm, reaching out to wipe a falling tear from Mac's face.

"Mommy! Out!" the boy called again.

"I don't think we have a choice Harm. He's going to cry if you don't get him out," Mac told him. "He's little, maybe he won't understand."

"I think he'll understand that we're upset," replied Harm. "But I'll go get him." He gave her hand a gentle squeeze before rising from the couch to tend to his son.

Harm entered DJ's room to find the boy sitting on the end of his toddler bed on the verge of tears.

"Daddy. Mommy?" he asked with a sniffle.

"Come on, Pal," he said, picking the boy up. "Let's go see mommy."

DJ looked at Harm's face with curiosity and patted his cheek. Harm could tell the boy sensed something all ready, because his son leaned over and gave him a wet kiss.

"Thanks," he said holding the boy closer. "Daddy needed that." He carried his son down the hallway into the living room where Mac remained on the couch, sniffling and wiping her tears with the back of her hand.

DJ saw his mother and reached out his arms to her. Mac took him in her lap and snuggled him close. "Mommy sad?" he asked.

"Yeah, sweetie," replied Mac softly. "Mommy's sad."

"Why sad?" he asked, little eyebrows indenting like Harm's did.

"Can he look any more like his dad?" she thought to herself as she looked her two-year-old in the eyes. "I'm sad because someone hurt my feelings." She didn't know how else to answer the boy.

DJ turned and looked at his father. "Daddy fiss?"

Harm would have preferred a cannonball to the heart than to have to look at his son and reply to his innocent request to come to the rescue. "Daddy's trying, DJ," he said. "Daddy's trying, but mommy is really sad."

"Why?" the toddler pressed. "DJ bad boy?"

"Oh, goodness no, son" said Harm, bending down to the boy's eye level. "You're a very good boy. You didn't make mommy sad."

DJ looked at Harm, the eyebrows knotting again. "Daddy bad boy?"

Harm took a deep breath. "Yeah, DJ" he answered. "Daddy was a bad boy and he made mommy very sad."

DJ looked at Mac's teary eyes and his father's face. In his two year old brain he couldn't understand how someone could be bad and have sorry not fix it. So that's what he requested. "Daddy sowy Mommy?"

Harm thought for sure he would fall apart right then and there. "Yeah, buddy, daddy's very sorry. Do you want me to tell mommy that I'm sorry?" He figured maybe seeing the apology would help the little boy understand, on a very small level anyway.

The boy nodded and pointed to Mac's tears. "Daddy fiss," he demanded.

Harm looked into Mac's eyes, still full of tears. "I'm sorry," he said. "I hurt your feelings, and I'm sorry."

She nodded her head. "I know," she replied then looked at her son. "Can Mommy have a hug?" The child started to hug his mother, when Mac added, "Daddy too."

The child hugged his mother tightly, then leaned out towards his daddy. Harm held him close with both arms. "Thank you for the nice hug, DJ." His heart hurt so much right then he almost wished the floor would swallow him up.

DJ looked at his mother and father. He'd never seen his Daddy not hug his Mommy when she was sad. He wanted them to hug and make it all better again so his Mommy would smile and tickle him like she always did. With a true Marine bite in his words he ordered, "Daddy Mommy!" and demonstrated that he wanted them to hug.

Harm looked at Mac for permission and with DJ studying her as well she relented and allowed Harm to take her into his arms along with his son.

Harm wrapped his arms around them tight as memories of so many times from the past flashed through his mind. He remembered hugging like that day DJ was born. The nurse had just handed the newborn to him, and he carried him back to Mac's bed and laid him into her arms. She looked down at the boy and cried an overwhelming smile of joy across her face. "Look at him," she said to Harm. "He's so beautiful." Harm leaned in and hugged Mac tight, their little baby son between them, much like now, only… Now, as he held them close, he felt the same love as he did that day in May 2002, only this time he also felt guilt. Guilt that he'd held another woman as close as he was holding Mac just then and guilt for putting his children in the middle of the mess, just like DJ was in the middle of the hug.

Mac had always loved having Harm's arms around her. It was how she felt whole, how she felt safe. This time though…She didn't feel that way. She could feel Annie on him, all over him. She couldn't shake the thought that Annie had held Harm, had touched him, to comfort him or for whatever reason she did it for when Mac wanted to so badly but couldn't. She closed her eyes as his embrace tightened and tried to summon those feelings again, but instead all she saw were flashes of Harm and Annie in each other's arms in a dingy Mexican hotel room. The images sickened her and she jerked back with a tiny cry of pain.

Harm looked at her, his mind muddling through all the possible reasons for her sudden retreat. He didn't know specifically what made her do it, made her pull away like that, but he knew it had to be awfully painful.

"What?" he asked Mac after feeling her body pull out of his grasp.

Before Mac could answer his query DJ loudly demanded, "Jelly!"

"You want a sandwich, buddy?" asked Harm, thankful for the child's distraction at the moment.

"Jelly!" he repeated. "DJ hungee."

"Well, come on then," he said as he smiled at his little boy. "Come help daddy make you a sandwich, and you can sit in your chair and eat it, okay?"

"I'm going to go check on Lucy," Mac told him rising as DJ nodded and went to his father.

"Okay," replied Harm, headed towards the kitchen with his son at his heels.

Mac went to their room and leaned over her daughter who was still soundly sleeping under the sheets. She reached out her hand and touched her brow. If it was possible she was even warmer now than before. She went into the bathroom and got the earscan thermometer and clicked it. She frowned at the reading and kissing Lucy's cheek went to the kitchen.

Without a word to Harm she got the bowl of water she'd been using to wet Lucy down and emptied it. She turned on the tap and watched as the water ran.

"How is she?" he asked as he helped DJ spread grape jelly on a slice of wheat bread.

"Fevers up to 104," she sighed. "I can't wait any more I have to bathe her down. Hopefully she's in a deep enough sleep she won't cry too much."

"Can I do anything to help you?" he asked.

"I'm thinking maybe I should just strip and put her in the tub, it'll be faster, but I can't lift her right now," she told him. "What do you think?"

He nodded. "Let me get him set up here and I'll come carry her to the tub" he answered. "I think that'd be better than a sponge bath in the bed; it'd probably cool her off faster."

"Thank you," she said in a very official manner. "I'll go start the water."

Harm had just finished fixing DJ's sandwich and cleaning the jelly off the counter when the phone rang. He contemplated letting the machine get it, but when he saw on the ID box it was Harriet and Bud he answered. "Rabb."

"Hey, how's it going?" Bud asked tentatively. By the sound of his friend's voice, he had a pretty good idea.

"Not good," answered Harm. "We're talking, but...it's not good."

"How are you? How's Mac?" he asked.

"I've been better, Bud," he said. "She's all over the place, you know? She goes from yelling to whispering to talking to crying, just over and over. This is...it's...man, I really..."

"Hard?" Bud finished. "Are you moving out or staying there? Where did you land on that one?"

"In the middle," replied Harm. "She asked me to move to the guest room. I don't know how it'll go, but I said I'll do anything she asks me to and I mean it, so we'll see."

"Listen, Harriet said that things were pretty tense earlier and neither or you got much sleep so we were thinking why don't we take Lucy and DJ tonight. Would you like that?" Bud asked.

"That'd be great," said Harm. "Except that Lucy is sick again. We'll have to keep her of course, but if you want to take the little guy for the night, that'd be a huge help."

"Sure, he and Jimmy can hot bunk," Bud offered. "What's wrong with Lucy? Headache?"

"Yeah, headache, fever, she's pretty sick," said Harm as he picked up the sippy cup of milk that DJ dropped on the kitchen floor. "Mac's drawing her cool bath right now; I need to go move Lucy off the bed for her. What time should I bring DJ over?"

"I'll pick him up," Bud said. "How about an hour?"

"Sounds great," said Harm. "I'll have him ready to go. Anything special you want me to send with him?"

"Nope," Bud replied. "Just a couple of pull ups in case."

"Will do," said Harm. "Thanks a million, Bud. You have no idea-"

"No problem," he said. "Talk to you later."

Harm had just about hung up the phone when Mac's voice called, "Harm!" with a hint of annoyance. "Come get her please."

"Coming," he called. "Daddy will be right back, okay?" he said to DJ.

DJ ignored him and munched on his sandwich.

When Harm lifted Lucy into his arms, she stirred in her sleep and whimpered.

Mac stood with her hands on her hips, "Who was on the phone that was so important?"

"Oh, Bud," answered Harm. "It's okay, Lucy Bear" he said, placing a kiss on the child's sweaty forehead.

Her tone softened, "What did he want?" she asked following Harm as he carried Lucy to the tub.

"He offered the keep the kids for us tonight," said Harm. "But since she clearly can't go anywhere, he's just taking DJ. He'll be by for him in an hour."

"That was a good idea," Mac said. "Can you hold her while I get her top off?"

She started working on the little girl's shirt. "Did you call Commander McCool yet?"

"Haven't had a chance yet," he said. "But once I set her down, I'm going to do it."

Mac rolled her eyes, "Don't bother."

"What do you mean 'don't bother'? I haven't had a chance - DJ woke up in the middle of our conversation, and you know what I've been doing since then. I'll do it, Mac, honest to God."

"I'm sorry, you're right," she apologized. "Can you get her waistband?"

"Yeah," he said, moving his daughter gingerly so he could get her jeans off.

The movement upset the child's sleep and caused her all ready aching body to hurt more. She whimpered again and tried to push away from Harm.

Mac reached out a cool hand and touched Lucy's cheek, "Its okay Baby. Mommy and Daddy are just going to give you a bath okay, Sweetie?"

Mac looked at Harm's whose face was the picture of paternal torture, "How you doing there Dad?" she asked just the tiniest bit concerned he would crack under the strain of everything that happened in the last 24 hours.

"I hate it when she's sick," he said, glad that she cared about what he was feeling. "How are you?"

Mac pulled on the bottom of Lucy's jeans and took off her socks. "I'm about to feel like the worst Mommy ever," she sighed. "I'll put her in the tub if you'll hand her to me."

"Okay," he said. "Lucy, I'm handing you to mommy and she's going to put you in the tub."

Mac took Lucy who didn't protest at the idea of being put in the tub, but the sounds she made when her hot body hit the lukewarm water ripped both of her parents to shreds.

"I know, Baby," Mac comforted. "I know, but Mommy has to cool you off so you can feel better. I'll be quick and then you can cuddle with me and Daddy like you wanted to okay?" she said as she moved the wash rag over Lucy's cheeks and chest.

"I need to go check on DJ," said Harm. "But I'll be right back. Will you be okay for a minute or two?" he asked Mac over Lucy's cries.

"Yeah, I hope to be done by then," she answered and ran the rag over Lucy's arms. "Go he's too quiet."

Harm left the bathroom and went back to the kitchen to check on DJ. "I guess you're done, huh?" he asked the boy when he saw him mushing the last little piece of his sandwich between his fingers, staring at it intently.

"Sticky," the boy told his Dad and help up his hands. Then, "Mommy?"

"Yeah, you sure are," said Harm with a little laugh as he got a clean wash cloth out of the drawer. "Guess what you get to do tonight?" He asked as he proceeded to wash the boy's hands and face.

DJ stared at him blankly.

"You get to play with Jimmy," said Harm, his voice enthusiastic in hopes of getting the child's attention and excitement. "Won't that be fun?"

DJ thought about that for a minute then, "DJ Mommy sad."

"Yeah, mommy's sad, son," agreed Harm as he tried to get the jelly out from between the middle of the little boy's fingers. "But its okay for you to go play with Jimmy, I promise. Daddy will stay here with mommy and try to make her all better."

"DJ be good," he told Harm. Then he said, "Tomcat."

"Yeah, buddy," said Harm. "We'll make sure you take your Tomcat. Will you share it with Jimmy?"

DJ nodded again and gave his Daddy another sloppy kiss.

"Daddy has to go help Mommy with Lucy now," Harm told his son. "You want me to put on a tape for you?"

"Airpanes!" DJ announced in reply.

"Sure, airplanes," smiled Harm as he unstrapped the boy from his seat and put his feet on the floor. He followed behind DJ into the TV room, found the "Top Gun" DVD and put it on for him.

Mac could hear Harm as he fussed with DJ getting him cleaned up and situated on the couch. He took longer than she'd thought and she had to take Lucy out of the tub. Lucy's cries slowed down as her mother took her out of the tub and wrapped her in a large bath towel. "You're going to have to drink some juice now okay? Then you can sleep again," Mac promised awkwardly carrying Lucy through the front room.

"Harm," she said as she moved Lucy.

He looked up and saw her carrying Lucy. "I'm sorry, Mac," he said, jumping up and rushing over to take Lucy from her. "He wanted to watch the movie. You should have yelled for me, I would've come and helped."

"Its okay, I can carry her if I have to," she replied. "You were busy with him. Can you put on her summer nightie and I'll get her some special juice."

"Sure, of course," he said, taking his daughter into his arms. "Let's go get some jammies on you, Button."

Within a few minutes, Harm had the child dressed and laying back in the big bed. Mac came in with her special juice, and to their pleased amazement, she drank it without much complaint before snuggling into Mac's pillow and falling back to sleep.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: Once again big hugs and special thanks to Snugglebug for hanging with me. Also thanks to those who have reviewed and who are hanging in there with us. We appreciate it very much and you will all be rewarded. Eventually.

All Disclaimers Apply. For additional Notes see Chapter One.

Bud arrived a while later to pick up DJ, who of course fussed as Mac kissed him goodbye. Truth be told, while Harm was thankful for Bud's intervention so he and Mac could talk, he would miss DJ's well timed interruptions if things got hairy.

Once Bud left with DJ, Harm walked back to the sofa and unceremoniously dropped down. He tried to stifle a groan, but it leaked out anyway.

"Your back hurting?" asked Mac as she took a seat at the opposite end of the couch.

"Yeah," he sighed. "Shoulders too. How about you? You were really in a lot of pain when I was at Grams."

"I'm okay at the moment," she answered. "I was hurting pretty bad when you called Wednesday night, though. I don't know what's going on with all that." She looked down and played with the end of her watchband as she spoke.

"He said it's getting worse," Harm replied. "When is your next appointment?"

"A week from Monday" she answered.

"Can I..." he began, but was unsure how to proceed.

She looked up at him. "Do you want to be there?" she asked, not sure which answer she was hoping for.

"Of course I do," he replied. "I've broken enough of our vows. I want to try and keep that one, the sickness and health one," he answered.

She turned her gaze to the light shining in from the slit between the curtains. "I'm...I just don't know how I feel about that right now. Part of me wants you there, needs you there even. Another part of me just..." She looked back towards him. "I'm so damn confused, it's making me sick."

"I know," he replied. "There's something that's bothering me though," he told her.

"Only one 'something'?" she asked. "Sorry, go ahead."

"When I hugged you, you pulled away..." His eyes asked her why.

She sighed, her attention drifting back to her watchband. "I couldn't get the thoughts of you and...her out of my mind. I'm not sure how long it'll take me to get to the point where I can feel you near me and not think about how she felt when..." She stopped speaking as the tears won out.

"Mac," he began. "I don't know what to do to fix this, to make it better, but you have to believe that I'm sorry. I can't breathe I feel so terrible about this and I..." He sighed. "I just want to go back, I want to go back and undo it all, make it right. I..." He leaned forward and rested his head in his hands.

"You didn't call yet, did you?" asked Mac through her tears. "Commander McCool?"

"No, I'll do that right now," he said and reached for the phone. It rang twice then, "This is Commander Rabb, I'm going to need to set up a consultation with the Lt. Commander." A pause. "Monday at 5?" He looked at Mac for approval.

She nodded, her eyes never meeting his.

"That's fine," he replied. "Thank you." He turned to her, "All done."

"Good," she said, beginning to calm down a bit. She'd, unfortunately, gotten good at crying lately; really good. "Now I've got a question for you."

"Okay," he replied. "I'm all ears."

"You told me everything you remember about Mexico," she began. "You told me how drunk you were and how most of the evening is a blur, but you insist you used a condom. A. - How do you remember that if you were drunk enough to get into that situation, and B. - Please remind me again why you went TAD with one in your wallet? I thought those days ended when we got married."

Harm sighed, "Well, if I may answer question B first," he began. "I've been carrying condoms in my wallet since Dr. Bradley diagnosed you and told us that another baby would be very dangerous and painful for you. If we did make love I wanted you protected," he replied. "Question A, I don't know for sure if I used a condom, but I was convinced I was getting into bed with you and protecting you was something I was obsessed with so..."

"So you're just going on a hunch that you think you probably used one, huh?" she asked quietly.

"It's not a hunch per se. It's a guy thing...It's different with a condom, the level of excitement and that's what it was that night," he explained.

"I thought 'that part' of things was a blur," she said, clearly sickened at the thought that he remembered what he felt as he was making the biggest mistake of his life.

"It was," he replied. "It was blurry enough anyway for me to think...I swear Mac, I saw your face, heard your voice..."

"Please don't do this, Harm," she begged, random tears continuing to fall. "Don't compare me to her. Don't tell me you heard me or saw me or felt me or anything. It's not helping your case a bit. Do you realize..." She quieted her voice and stared into the distance.

"Damn it, Mac!" Harm bit out. "I'm not trying to help my case; I'm trying to tell you the truth. I've been lying too long for my taste and yours."

"You can say that again," she snapped back. "And this is what I mean when I say I'm so confused it's making me sick. Just when we seem to reach a break in this disastrous conversation, one of us says something to piss the other one off and we start acting like this!"

"Okay," he sighed. "We need to take a break. As much as we need to work through this, I have a suggestion to make."

"What?" she asked as she reached for the tissue box.

"We take a break for tonight," he said. "We take a break from talking, you let me get you some dinner, and we just concentrate on Lucy and each other as far as feeling better goes. No more accusations, no more finger pointing, just..." He reached out a tentative hand towards her.

She started to pull away as something completely unexpected came over her. She pushed herself up from the couch, wrapped her arms around him and cried as if her heart was in a million pieces on the floor. She tried to speak, but the words didn't stand a chance against the tears.

Harm felt a mixture of pain and joy. He hurt that she was so miserable, but felt a surge of happiness that she wanted to be in his arms. He started to rock her and whispered soft nonsense sounds to her as she cried until he posed a question, "What is it? What?"

She tried to answer him a few times, but it felt like all the anger, all the shock and all the pain from this situation had come down on her again. She clung to him tight as ever and sobbed until her whole body hurt.

"Sarah," he whispered. "Sarah, Honey, can you tell me what's in your heart right now? You need to let it out, Honey, come on," he prodded gently.

After another moment or so, she was finally able to speak. Without moving away from him, "This...this is all wrong!" she cried. "I'm supposed to hate you and...and I was supposed to kick your ass to the curb last night and tell you to never come back! I'm supposed to be so mad at you that... I'm not supposed to want you this much, but I can't help it, Harm!"

Her words floored him, "I...Mac, I don't understand. What do you mean, want me? You want me to what?"

"I want you to stay..." she cried, head still against his shoulder. "I want...I need you here. I can't let this tear us apart like...God, I feel like I should! I go from being ready to take your head off and throw it at you, to needing you to hold me to wanting to hurt you to - damn it, I...I just don't know what I need. I don't know... I should want you out of my life, but I..." She began to cry intently once again.

"That's why talking to Commander McCool is so important, Mac. She can help us deal with that, but until then, let's deal with things as they come up. What do you want or need right now?" He asked backing up a bit to look at her face.

She looked at his face, desperately trying to give him an answer, but the words once again escaped her.

He tried again, "Mac, please talk to me. I don't care if it doesn't make sense, just please; you scare me when you can't talk to me."

She looked into his eyes, her own still gushing tears. Words seeming to have completely abandoned her, she did the only thing she could think of. She reached up and pulled his lips to hers, very slowly, giving him a chance to back away if he wanted to.

He didn't. He wanted to touch her, kiss her, caress her show her how much he loved her. He took her lips gently, putting every ounce of pain, remorse, and love he felt into it, like he'd always done.

She returned his sweet kiss, determined to keep all thoughts of what they were going through out of it. A small voice in the back of her mind told her this wasn't the way to deal with her feelings. She was supposed to be so angry at him she could spit nails. Her brain knew that and in fact was that angry at him, but her heart was another matter.

Harm let his heart lead him and of their own accord the hands he's kept on her back slid up and ran down her arms. He was unsure of what she wanted here, but whatever it was he'd do it. "Sarah?" he questioned and waited.

"What?" she asked quietly, the angry part of her figuring if he had a question, he should ask it.

"What are we doing?" he asked softly, using on hand to caress her cheek.

"I don't know," she said, eyes never breaking contact with his. "Whatever...feels right." She couldn't have told him what that was if her life depended on it, yet it was the only answer she had for him.

"Lead me," he told her. "I'll follow."

Slowly, she reached up and put her hands around his neck, bringing his lips back down to her level. Equally slowly, she moved her face towards his, resuming their sweet, gentle kiss.

He returned her kiss with infinite tenderness, "I love you, Sarah," he whispered in between kisses.

"Then why did you do it?" she asked, the kiss intensifying just a little.

"Pain," he replied. "Alcohol." A kiss. "Maybe a little bit of anger." He kissed her hard then, his mouth bruising hers.

"Anger? At me, I presume?" She matched his fierce kiss with one of her own as her hands ran up and down his back.

"Not totally," he replied, hand reaching up to cup her breasts through her shirt. "A me too, more me than you." He moved his lips to her neck and nibbled.

"So you hurt me to punish yourself?" she asked, her tone a cross between disgust and disbelief as she moved her head to allow him better access to her neck.

"No," he replied. "I never meant to hurt you. I didn't plan it, I...didn't even realize it," he replied and moved to her earlobe, biting it a bit.

She drew in a sharp breath as he bit down. "I don't care that you didn't plan it," she said, running her fingernails across his chest through his shirt. "You still did it and nothing can change that."

"I know," he gasped and moved back to her lips. "Nothing can change this either." He dipped his head and kissed her softly once again. "I'll never feel like this about anyone else. I love you, Sarah. Do you?" He moved his mouth to the other side of her neck.

"Mmmm, God," she moaned as he kissed the sensitive skin on her neck. "I'm not supposed to," she said. "I'm not...supposed to love you this much after what you did to me, do you hear me?"

"I hear you," he replied. "You can't help who you love," he replied. "Remember when you told me that?"

"Yes" she answered, he voice portraying all the emotions that where swimming around inside of her. "I'm so angry at you, but..." She pulled him back into a heated kiss, running her fingers through his hair.

He pushed his tongue between her lips, exploring the inner reaches of her mouth. He pulled back and looked at her. He wanted to make love to her, skin on skin, but he'd not dare initiate that, not now.

She moved her hands from around his neck to the waistband of his jeans, running her fingers all around as their tongues continued to duel.

"You have to talk to me, Mac," Harm told her. "What do you want?"

"I don't want to talk," she said angrily as she undid the button on his jeans.

He took his cue from her and pulled on her blouse until its delicate buttons scattered about the floor. He attacked her breasts with fierce passion, using his tongue and his teeth to pleasure her. As he felt his inexplicable anger at her dissipate, his kiss turned soft, almost reverent. His hands moved up her back and opened the hooks on her lacy bra, freeing her breasts to his scrutiny.

"Feel better now, do you?" she asked him, her tone not quite as angry as before but still not gentle. This is what she wanted, needed, for some inexplicable reason. That voice in the back of her mind was screaming at her, but she ignored it completely.

"No," he breathed into the valley of her breasts he loved so much. "I..." he took her nipple in his mouth and suckled. "I need to...I need you to say you know...I..." His breathing came quicker, he couldn't finish his sentence.

"Say it," she demanded "What do you want me to tell you?"

"That you know I still love you," he gasped out, suckling her other breast, his kiss getting rougher once again.

"I know you still love me" she said, her tone not lightening up much as she felt herself melt under his touch. "Now prove it." She grabbed his shirt, frantically working on the buttons one by one.

He did. He lifted her up and carried her into the guest bedroom, gently lowering her to the bed. He eased her out of her pants and with light touches caressed her soft skin. He touched her stomach then pulled back, "Mac, what about the doctor? What if..."

"I don't give a damn right now!" she said harshly. "I don't!"

"Well, I do," he replied. "I don't want you to have to go through that pain."

"It's nothing compared to the pain I'm already in over this whole mess!" she said, the tears coming back, angry tears. "I still can't understand how you could..." Giving up on trying to share her feelings verbally, she rolled over and pinned him beneath her, staring into his deep blue eyes.

"I'm sorry," he told her his eyes starting to water again. "Please believe that, Baby." He gasped as she yanked his jeans down over his hips, taking his boxers along with them.

"You're really sorry? Show me."

"But you suffered so much..." He was conflicted. He wanted to show her but the memories of the morning after their anniversary haunted him.

"I don't care!" she cried, "I just don't care right now, I don't! I know you do but I don't..."

Harm still wasn't sure. He wanted to tell her he loved her as he always did before but this didn't make sense to him. "Sarah, why are you doing this? What possible good can come from this?"

"I don't know!" she replied through her tears. "Everything in my head is screaming at me to stop, that this...this doesn't make sense! WHY on earth do I want to do this with you, after what you've done? WHY? Everything else...everything in my heart refuses to listen!" She laid her head against his chest and sobbed angrily, more confused than she'd ever been in her life.

He brought up his hand and soothed her hair. "This...this..."

"This what?" she spat out.

He couldn't speak anymore. His chest ached with pain and loss, he didn't want to be doing this, but he felt his body responding, and wasn't this how it had always been? He looked at her, and again moved his mouth but no words would come out, just tiny little gasps and moans.

She slammed her lips against his; forcing her tongue past his as her hands ran up and down his arms, against his chest, her nails scraping against him just enough to feel good.

He moaned in her mouth and let his body take over where his mind failed him. He closed his arms around her back and crushed her to him. "I'll never let you go," he was saying with the move. In one fluid motion he rolled over so that she was on her back underneath his weight, never breaking contact with her mouth.

She moved her arms around his back, still sliding her nails therapeutically along his skin as her mouth remained welded to his.

He pushed with his hips a little, a silent way of asking her if she was ready for him, if she wanted to take him into the shelter of her body. As he did this he slid his arms from around her to fondle her breasts again, to touch the area where he'd been held as he'd cried for his father and where she'd nursed their babies, while he lie in wait for her answer.

"_Oh, I don't think so._" she thought to herself as she felt his hips grind against her body. "This isn't over yet!" So what if he was ready; this wasn't about him. It was about...so much more than just the physical act itself. This was how they'd communicated every emotion imaginable between the two of them since the moment they decided they were meant to be together forever. "_Forever...I'll show him the meaning of forever,_" she thought as she pulled her lips away from his. "No!" she breathed, and waited for his reaction.

Harm slowed his motion, but did not stop it all together. "No what?" he asked his eyes seeking hers. "No what?" He knew damned well no what, but if she wanted to play, they'd play.

"No, you're not getting off that easy!" she growled, her breathing growing more intense the more he touched her. "Do you know how angry I am at you right now?"

"I have a pretty good idea," he replied, leaning over to nibble at the hollow of her throat.

"_God, he knows just how to make me crazy,_" she thought as she lie beneath him. A hurried gasp escaped her as he concentrated on her neck.

"And just how do you know how angry I am?" she added harshly as could while feeling his lips move closer to her ear.

"Because it's probably on par with how angry I was when I found out about Chris," he whispered against her ear, making sure his breath hit her ear canal. "Or how angry I was when I found out you didn't tell me you couldn't have babies anymore," he moved closer and bit her ear again. She moaned a bit at the sensation, "You like that. I know you like that."

"Yeah, I do, but so what?" she gasped, feeling the goosebumps form all over her body as he teasingly nipped at her ear. "This is bigger than all that and you know it!" She raked her fingers a little bit harder against the flesh of his back and sides, feeling him tense up just a bit.

He gave a tense moan; her nails hurt as the scraped his skin. "I don't know about that, we both lied to each other," he reminded her. "That's what it comes down to."

"Yeah, we did," she agreed, the color of her voice still painting the picture of the hurt she felt inside. "So here we are, two angry, broken-hearted liars - What are we going to do about it?"

"You have to tell me," he replied, his voice bleeding the pain and remorse he felt. "Or show me."

She eyes locked with his, stared at him in silence as once again she recognized what they were doing - using their bodies to tell each other what their words couldn't. "Damn you..." she said softly as she began to cry before pulling his upper body hard against her chest, taking his mouth captive.

They began the dance again. Tongue to tongue, chest to chest and finally hip to hip.

She pressed her hips against his this time, returning the taunt from before.

He pulled his head back and looked at her intently, eyes knitting, waiting for her direction.

She moved her right leg and rested her ankle on his lower back, their eyes never breaking contact as she gave him his answer.

It was all Harm could do not to take her then and there. She wanted him, that much he was sure of and he'd promised her he'd do anything she'd wanted. It wasn't like this was not typical for them, that's how they dealt with everything. Still this nagging bit of conscience kept him from entering her without guarding her against something that was still unsafe, "Mac…" He breathed. "Condom. Wait."

"What? No...No..." She replied as her heart pounded strong and her breath maintained a rapid pace. He said he'd had them for months, to keep her safe on the rare times they made it far enough to need one, but she couldn't actually recall a time they reached that point and stopped long enough to think about it. "We never do, why now?"

"I'm...I'm not sure. You're still having pain and...I want to protect you and I can't any other way..." He panted.

"That won't stop the pain," she whispered, her anger fading for a moment as he put her ahead of himself. "It'll still hurt, but...no, no more walls, like that or like this, no more."

He kissed her lips with infinite tenderness, "I don't want it to hurt," he whispered. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"There he goes again, being all sensitive and sweet!" she thought as her emotions raged once more. "No, I'm not sure!" she answered. "All I'm sure of is that I've never felt this much...everything at once in my life! I'm hurt and I'm angry and I'm mad and lost and-"

She was getting excited again, he could feel it. At this rate they'd lie there all night going back and forth, and his heart nor could hers handle that. He kissed her lips mid rant to halt her words.

She pressed her head deeper into the bed devoid of pillow since he returned it to its rightful place for Lucy's sake. It had killed him to remove it earlier that day but he knew she needed space without him. She said she needed all his things out of their room for awhile so she could try and sort through the pieces of her life that had been so abruptly shattered only the night before. Yet, here they were, doing what they'd always done when things between them got too impassioned for vocal resolution. As their mouths shared the sweetest kiss of the night, she knew where this had to go, and it had to go there now.

Harm pulled his lips back and looked down at Mac's face. She was so beautiful, so precious to him. He felt the pain in his chest again, the inability to draw a full breath, and the familiar lump rise in his throat. Try as he might he couldn't stop the tears from falling from his eyes as he held her gaze.

"I can't believe you did that to me," she said, once again crying softly, tears of anger temporarily replaced with tears of pain. "What happened to us?"

"I don't know," he whispered through his own tears. "I don't know. I don't know anything anymore."

"I know we should be talking about this and not..." her voice trailed off, tears rolling downward onto his pillow. "But I can't...there aren't words for what you..." Maybe there were words, but she couldn't find them at that point in the game. "I'm supposed to hate you, I know I am, but damn it..." There was no turning back. She put her hands around his neck and pulled his face towards her, rolling their bodies to the side until her right and his left shoulders rested against the mattress, their bodies still clinging to one another.

"Yes?" he asked her, wanting this to be her choice. "Or no? Tell me now."

Harm held Mac closer as he awaited her reply, needing to feel her in order to convince himself their marriage could be fixed when they heard a faint whimper from the other room. "Daddy!" Lucy called out, her usually strong voice weak. "Daddy? Mommy? Where are you?" A small sob. "I'm scared."

"Damn it," Harm swore. "She's going to be inconsolable now. I should have stayed with her," he said rolling off Mac and pulling on his pants. "You coming?"

"Of course," she said, reaching for her own pants and pulling them on quickly.

"You okay?" he asked concerned about the effects of his weight on her.

"I'm fine," she answered. "Let's get in there. She needs us."

Harm went first and with Mac on his heels made it to their bedroom. Lucy was sitting up on the bed, shaking with cold and crying. Harm rushed to her and wrapped his arms around her, "I'm here, Button. Daddy's here now," he told he as he rocked her in his arms.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" asked Mac, sitting as close to Lucy as she could.

"I'm scared," the little girl sobbed. "And I hurt."

Harm continued to rock Lucy back and forth, "Where does it hurt, Baby?" he asked.

"In my belly and my head," she replied.

"Do you want some Jell-O?" asked Mac, feeling the child's forehead.

"No," she sniffled and snuggled closer to Harm. "My throat hurts me too," she whimpered and sniffled.

"I'm sorry," said Mac. "Do you just want to lie back down for now?"

"You were gone," she sobbed. "You promised to stay here?"

Harm looked at Mac with pain in his eyes. He didn't know what to say. This was just another promise, another thing he'd done wrong. She took pity on him.

"Daddy had to come help mommy for just a minute," she explained to the child. "We're here now, and we'll stay here as long as you want, okay, sweetie?"

"I'm cold," she whimpered as shook in Harm's arms.

He looked up at Mac, "She's shaking but she's on f-i-r-e."

Mac nodded. "I'll go get the Tylenol and a little more juice."

Harm sat with Lucy in his arms rocking her back and forth slowly until Mac came back with the laced juice. "Baby, drink the juice for Mommy now," Harm told her.

Miraculously, Lucy didn't object this time, taking the cup in her hand.

"Good girl," Harm praised as she finished the entire cup. "How about you lie back down now? Do you want to snuggle with Mommy?"

"Uh-huh," said the child. "And you, too."

"Why don't you go to Mommy while Daddy gets Colleen in and locks up, then I'll be right back," he suggested.

"'Kay" said Lucy, crawling over into her mothers embrace.

Mac held onto her daughter, feeling how feverish she was, how damp and clammy. She hated seeing her baby so sick, and now was an especially poor time for this to happen. She gently swayed back and forth, her arms around Lucy's body as the thoughts surrounding the entire evening swirled around in her head. She gave a thought to what almost happened in the guest room, and felt an amazing sense of relief that it stopped where it had. Knowing that she had Lucy to thank for that, she leaned down and placed a kiss on the little girls head.

For his part Harm called in their dog, which lay in her bed and obeyed his every command as if she sensed things were amiss and check the locks on the doors. When he returned to his wife and daughter it was to find Mac cradling Lucy, who had fallen asleep against her mother's breast. She was singing, just senseless sounds, but it had obviously soothed their little girl.

"She's out," he told her lying on their bed sideways.

"I know," said Mac softly. "She needs all the sleep she can get."

"I want to take her to the doctor's tomorrow," he sighed. "Do you think Dr. Parker can see us?"

"He can work us if need be," said Mac.

"You want to go?" he asked. "Or do you need to stay here once we reclaim DJ?"

She sighed. "I'd like to go, but someone has to stay with him. I guess I'll let you take her."

"It's up to you, but she fights me less and if you have to hold her...I'm just worried that she'll hurt you," he sighed. "Do you want to lie down? You look pretty tired?"

"Gee, wonder why?" she retorted, her weariness coming across loud and clear.

"Mac," he sighed. "We have to stay together tonight for Lucy's sake. Please let's not do this. Let's just try and let it go, for Lucy."

"For tonight," she said. "And only for Lucy's sake. We're nowhere near ready to let this go, Harm. We both know that."

"I do know that," he told her. "That's why we're getting help. I also know you look worse than she does. When was the last time you actually slept? I know this is not from one night."

She had to think for a minute. "Probably 4 or 5 nights ago," she replied.

"Why?" he asked. "I've been away before."

"I don't know why," she said. "I guess something inside me knew something...was wrong."

He nodded. "Mac..." he sighed. "You have very good radar and...Do you think we can...that is...do we have a shot at repairing this?" He looked at her eyes bright in the dark.

She saw in his eyes how bone-deep tired he was, physically and mentally. "I hope so," she answered softly. "But only time will tell. I keep going back and forth, almost minute by minute changing how I feel about you. I need to get that under control before I can begin to tell you what kind of chance we do or don't have of repairing this."

Harm knew he had no choice but to accept that answer so he did. He lay there in silence for awhile, listening to Lucy's congested breathing and Mac's soft humming until finally that sound stopped. He looked over at her, her one arm was tucked underneath her head while her other arm was across Lucy's chest, protectively sheltering their little girl from anything that might hurt her. It was a beautiful sight.

Harm felt his own fatigue begin to catch up with him. He rolled over so he was facing Lucy and Mac and reached his own arm out to shelter his baby girl. Somewhere in the recesses of her consciousness, Mac sensed the presence of her husband's hand and maneuvered her own so it was lying on top. The subtle, seemingly subconscious gesture was enough to give his tortured heart the slightest bit of hope, and he turned his hand palm up to so he could hold Mac's hand. "Good night, Sarah," he whispered in the dark room.

Her response was only the tightening of her hand.


	17. Chapter 17

Thanks to Christine for sending me a copy of Gypsy Eyes and thanks to Snugglebug for helping me and encouraging me to keep on writing. Hugs to you, Lady!

Also special thanks to those who have been reading and reviewing, you make working on this worth it. I love you all!

Disclaimer: I do not own them or make money from them.

0005 ZULU

Lt. Cmd. McCool's Office

Bethesda Naval Hospital

At 1705 that Monday Mac had arrived at Commander McCool's office and sat, reading a Parents magazine waiting for Harm. After yesterday she wasn't even sure he would show up for his, never mind get anything productive out of it. So when the door opened and she saw his tall frame in the doorway, she couldn't suppress a smile.

"I wasn't sure you were going to come," she said softly as he took the seat beside her

He looked at her with a look of surprise. "Why wouldn't I come? I said I'd do this, and I will."

"Last night..." she ventured. "That was pretty low of me."

"Hey, Mac," he said softly. "Don't get hung up on that, please. It's okay; let's just focus on today and focus on trying to get as much from this as we can."

"Still, we can't get anything from this if you're still mad at me," she sighed. "I'm not mad at you anymore. I'm hurt, but I'm not angry anymore," she told him.

"I'm not mad at you," he said. "It hurt me, what you did, but I suppose given the circumstances I got what I deserved."

"Yeah well, I guess I'm not better than you are," she sighed and rose. "It's 1713 what's taking so long? We have a sick child to get back to."

"You know how these places are," he said, picking up the magazine she'd been reading. "We'll be doing good to get called back there within the next 15 minutes."

Mac started pacing, "This is a military shrink you'd think she'd be on time. Lucy still has that fever and I can't believe you're not worried about this."

"Relax, Mac. None of that," he said, motioning towards her pacing. "Is going to get us called in any faster. Just sit down here and try to relax."

"I can't relax, we shouldn't even be here," she snapped at him pacing faster.

"You're the one who said-" He stopped, realizing what she really meant. "Yeah, you're right," he sighed as he tossed the magazine back onto the table. "I shouldn't have messed up and then we'd have no need to be here. Thanks for the little reminder, Mac. For a split second there I'd almost forgotten what I did."

"I won't ever let you forget what you've done," she said in a harsh quiet voice. "Because I'll never forget it. Ever. Remember Paraguay, the pain I was in from the things they did to me, nothing compared to this," she told him, flopping down in the chair she'd vacated.

"For someone who's not angry with me," he said. "You seem pretty...angry with me."

"This isn't anger Harm this is ha..." She caught herself before she said that dreaded word.

He looked her in the eyes. "If the choices are to have you be angry with me or to hate me, I choose angry. I can't...I can't have you hate me, Mac. I can't."

"Well you should have thought about that in Mexico," she bit out as Commander McCool made her presence known. "Commander Rabb, Colonel Rabb, come on back."

Harm and Mac followed Commander McCool into her office, "Take a seat on the sofa please, the both of you," she instructed. Both obeyed her but sat on opposite ends of the piece. "Now, I've read over the comment card I asked you to fill out earlier today, but before we begin, I'd like it if we could mutually agree to suspend the use of rank while we're in session?"

When they both nodded, Commander McCool continued. "Now, Harm, why don't we start with you? Tell me why you're here."

He took a deep breath. "I'm here because my wife said we needed to come if we wanted any chance of saving our marriage." He knew she'd want more details, in fact she'd want more or less every detail, but his lawyer mentality told him to only answer the question and not divulge too much at once.

"So you aren't here of your own free will?" she asked him. If he wasn't here willingly, they'd get no where.

"No, no, I am," he said, nodding insistently. "Mac didn't drag me here. It was her suggestion that we come, but I have no problem with being here."

"All right good," she replied. "Now, Mac, why did you suggest you come into counseling? I recall it's not something you are fond of doing."

"I suppose it's because I don't want to lose six years of marriage over this thing between us," she replied, not elaborating on exactly what Harm had done or what she had done.

"All right," Dr. McCool sighed. "I'm sensing both of you are holding back and both of you are having conflicting emotions. Why don't we start with the escapade in the waiting room? What started all that?" she asked and looked at Harm.

"She said she wasn't angry with me," he said. "But she could've fooled me."

"And why would Mac be angry with you?" she asked him.

"'Cause I did something incredibly stupid a couple months ago," he replied. "She just found out about it last Thursday and since then, well, let's just say things haven't been good between us."

"What did he do, Mac?" Dr. McCool asked.

"He slept with another woman and not just anyone, an ex-girlfriend," Mac replied with no hint of tears.

"He had an affair?" she asked looking at them both trying to read body language to get a sense of where they were. Harm was slumped over he looked hurt and vulnerable. Mac was ramrod straight, her protective shield in place.

"Yes," she hissed. "God know how long he was with her. He claims it was only once but...he claims a lot of things."

"It was only once, Mac," said Harm. "I know you don't have any reason to believe me, but I'm telling the truth."

"Okay," Dr. McCool sighed. "We've been here before when you were newly married if I recall. You were a lot less hostile then Mac and Harm you were a lot more defensive so let's use this, let's explore the differences in the past six years or so. But first, I want to see where you think this came from Mac?"

"I guess...it came from him, I mean he's always had a tendency to be selfish, inconsiderate and pompous. Our lack of um, activity in the bedroom probably factored in as well, my withdrawal, his disinterest, the list goes on, Vera," she sighed.

"Harm, respond to that," Vera pressed.

"First off, I don't think I have a tendency to be any of those things she just said," he answered. "I can't say exactly what made me do it. I'll tell you the same thing I told Mac: I was depressed, lonely, hurting because she was hurting in a way that I couldn't make better. I know that doesn't even begin to excuse what happened and I'm not looking to blame Mac for it in any way, shape or form. I will admit, though, that the way she pushed me away once she got sick, it probably played into everything. Again, I'm not blaming her; I'm simply stating a fact as I see it."

"Okay good," Vera praised. "I'm sensing more feeling now. Mac, why did you say Harm is selfish?"

"It's his track record. Since we've met, more so since we've been married but as long as I've known him he had to do what he had to do. There are so many times I can think of off the top of my head," she replied.

"Please tell me you're not going to drag my father into this," he said.

"If I added your father to this we'd never get out of therapy," she snapped.

"That's not fair, Mac," he said, trying to keep his cool but feeling it slipping away. "You know why I had to do what I did to try and find him. Hell, you were one of my biggest supporters!"

"Victims you mean," she replied so softly he barely heard her.

"What'd you say?" he asked, turning on the couch to face her directly. "I know I didn't hear what I think I heard."

"You heard exactly what I said," she replied.

Dr. McCool sat back and watched them. This couple had so much hostility, so much pain, locked away inside over things that had never been dealt with. They were a physical couple, that much was evident the last time, but now they were worlds apart.

He shook his head and waved his hand in the air towards her. "Whatever. That's not why we're here, Mac. That's not what we're supposed to be working on. I know things from our past are going to come up, but if we dredge up every single thing that could use a little therapy, you're right, we'll never get out of here."

"Harm, wait," Vera interrupted. "Let's stick with this. Until you have both cleared all the hurt and doubt that it's obvious you're both storing up we won't fix anything. So, Harm, what was your instinctual reaction to what Mac just said?"

"I'm mad that she feels the way she does about my father," he answered, his voice low and full of pain.

"Just mad," Vera pushed. "I don't hear mad. I hear something else." To Mac, "Mac, look at your husband."

With his wife's eyes on him, he spoke. "I'm mad, but I guess I'm also hurt. Do we really have to go there? We're not here to talk about this, and I'd really rather not. I feel bad enough already without ripping open all those wounds."

"The only wounds that can reopen are wounds that have no healed," Vera replied. "I think this is this the first step. Marriages often go sour when the physical attraction or intimacy that sparked then starts to die, we have to examine the marriage and all the pieces to it. Your father, Harm, is integral to your marriage to Mac, isn't he?"

Harm nodded, his head resting against his left hand, his arm upon the edge of the couch.

His eyes were full of pain, and one may think he was on the brink of tears if they didn't know better. His body was slumped into the couch, a sense of defeat seeming already to have washed over him. This wasn't what they came here for; this wasn't what he was prepared to talk about, and Mac's revelation of feeling like she was a "victim" when it came to his father just tore his heart in two.

"Mac," Vera said. "What do you want to do right now, looking at Harm as he is right now?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "Instinctively I want to hold him, comfort him, but...at some points I can't even stand the thought of him so...I don't know."

"But instead of words you would choose physical comfort?" Vera asked.

She nodded, "That always worked for us."

"Harm what do you want from Mac right now?" she asked. "Not the therapy answer, the gut instinct."

"I want her to tell me she doesn't regret coming to Russia with me," said Harm, not turning his gaze from the place on the doctor's desk where he'd been staring for the part few minutes. "I'd also love...a hug. I know, I know, it's not my right to ask her for that, but you said you wanted my gut answer, so there it is."

Mac moved to do just as he asked when Vera stopped her, "No, Mac. Comfort him verbally."

Mac opened her mouth to begin to do just that but nothing came out. "Harm, I..." she began then stopped. "I'm...I don't regret coming to Russia with you," she replied. "Russia is what gave me you, but...I wish I could say I didn't mean what I said before but I did...you've hurt yourself and others so much by your crusade to find your father, you were blinded by it," she sighed.

If possible, he sank down a little deeper into his corner of the couch as Mac spoke those words to him. He wasn't used to this sort of thing, of actually hearing what she was feeling without any physical communication to back it up. He felt like he could have handled it if he could've done so while hidden within her embrace, but there on the couch without her even holding his hand he felt like the victim of an emotional bombing with nowhere to hide.

Tears sprung to Mac's eyes as she saw him physically retreat, trying to hide in his own protective ball. She looked at Vera, then at Harm, "I can't..." she told her and reached for him.

He felt Mac's arms come around him and her head rest upon his right shoulder. He almost refused, almost pushed her away, but he didn't have it in him to do so. He turned himself towards her embrace and wrapped his arms around her. "I'm sorry, baby," he whispered. "So sorry."

"Why are you apologizing, Harm?" Vera asked him. "What do you feel sorry for?"

"For all of it!" he replied, his patience temporarily out of service. "For any hard feelings she's been carrying around since Russia, for not being able to take away her pain from that goddamn disease, for what I did in Mexico - take your pick!"

"Okay, so you're apologizing for anything and everything that's gone wrong in your life since you were married?" Vera asked. "Mac just hurt you badly, and yet you are apologizing to her. Why?"

"Because," he said as his hand softly rubbed Mac's back. "I'm the one who hurt her in the first place. What she's saying here today is because of the mistakes I've made and because of the rotten way I handled some major changes in our relationship over the last several months. She's hurt me, too, I can't say she hasn't, but the things that brought us in today are so much more my doing than hers."

Vera seemed to accept that answer, "Let her go," she told him.

Gently nodding, he did as directed and loosened his hold on Mac.

"All the way," Vera coached.

Reluctantly, he dropped his arms from around her body and sank back into his spot on the couch.

"Now tell her how you feel about what she said about your father and about the changes in your marriage," Vera instructed.

"I feel...like she should know how important it was for me to go to Russia and..." He thought for a moment, desperately searching for the words behind his feelings. "I know we've lost a lot this year, and I..." Giving up on the battle with words, he reached out to take Mac into his arms. He couldn't handle "verbal communication."

"You can't do it, can you?" Vera asked him. "You can't talk to her in words can you?"

"No, I can't," he admitted. "We've never done it, either of us. When we feel hurt or upset or mad, we'd always just...let our bodies do the talking."

"And where did that get you?" Vera asked. "When did that start?"

"As soon as we realized we wanted to spend the rest of...of our lives together," answered Harm as he held his wife close. "I'd say it started at the beginning, but that's not true since we loved each other long before we did anything about it. It always worked for us, you know? It's like we could have entire conversations without saying a word."

"And that's good," Vera praised. "But what physical and verbal conversations come together. One is the left leg and one is the right leg. What happens when you don't develop both legs in a weight room?"

"One ends up stronger than the other," he said.

"Right," she acknowledged. "And what happens if you break the stronger one?"

"You feel...crippled, I guess," he replied.

"Exactly," Vera replied. "What do you do in a crippled plane, Harm?"

"You limp it back home if you can," he said. "Otherwise, you bail out."

"And do you want to bail out?" she asked him. Mac looked expectantly at him, knowing she was the crippled wing in this squadron.

"Oh, God, no!" he answered. "No way! I don't want out. I don't, I want to fix things."

"Mac?" Vera asked.

She shook her head, "As much as I want to say yes, I can't because I need him, Vera. He's my left hand."

"All right," she smiled. "Since we agree, let's go back. Take me back to the first time you used touch instead of or to assist your words. It will be painful, but it will facilitate the goal I think," she assessed. "During this, you can do nothing more than hold hands."

As he held tightly to Mac's hand, Harm thought back upon that fateful day when so much of his life changed forever.

Siberia

_He dropped to his knees, sobbing so hard his entire body shook. "This can't be happening..." he cried. "I didn't come this far to... God, dad...why?"_

_For her part Mac stood a few feet behind him, allowing him this private goodbye. He needed this cleansing of spirit to move on for his life. Still she wanted to go to him, comfort him and let him know if he needed her she was there. She saw his physical collapse, his legs failing him, his shoulders shaking, and any and all restraint she'd wanted to exercise in the name of respect went out the window. She rushed to his side and knelt beside him. She hesitated to take him into his arms though, she wasn't sure if their invisible boundary would allow for that._

_He couldn't think of a time in his life he'd cried harder or felt more grief than he felt just then. He knew she was there and he wanted her arms around him, but the emotional avalanche he was caught up in wouldn't allow him to speak; to tell her he needed her. He hoped that somehow, she'd know._

_Mac looked at him, and ached to hold him, but still she hesitated. She didn't want to overstep her bounds. She moved to touch him a few times, but her arms kept melting back out of fear of harsh rejection. She settled for just his name, she'd let him lead, she always did. "Harm?"_

_He looked up at her and continued to sob his broken heart out._

_"I..." She didn't know what to do for him. "I want to help you," she told him. "I'm here for you."_

_Without a word, he crawled over and grabbed on to her, resting his pounding head on her shoulder. "My dad" he cried. "My dad..."_

_Mac started to sob herself, not only at his pain, but at the trust he was placing in her. He was at his most vulnerable right now and he wanted to be in her arms. "I know," she crooned. "I know," she started to rock back and forth, placing tiny little kisses on the top of his head. "Let it out, Harm. Talk to me, trust me. It's all right."_

_He wanted to talk, to tell her everything he was feeling, but he couldn't. For the next ten minutes, he stayed in her arms, the only place he felt safe, and cried until he thought for sure he'd used a lifetime supply of tears._

_Mac let him cry a bit longer than tried to get him to calm himself down, "Harm, can you try and calm down? You'll make yourself sick."_

_He knew she was right; in fact his stomach had been in knots the entire time. He did the best be could, taking slow and steady breaths as she held onto him._

_"That's it," she crooned. "That's it. Just take slow deep breaths." She stroked his hair as she coached him._

_"M...Mac" he said, still out of breath._

_She kept rubbing his head, "I'm here. I'm right here. It's going to be all right."_

_"What am I going to do?" he asked softly. _

_"I don't understand," Mac replied. "We're going to go home."_

_"No, no," he said, shaking his head as he pulled away from her just a bit. "What am I...how can I...he's gone, Mac. I never dreamed he was...gone."_

_"I know," she agreed. "But that's...that's the way it is now. You have to go home and grieve and live your life, like he'd want you to."_

_She was right. His dad would want him to go on living, just as he'd wanted every day since disappearing so many years ago. "How can I, Mac?" he asked. "How can I just go back and...live my life the same as I lived it before we came over here? My life's not the same anymore; it never will be." _

_"No, it won't be," she agreed. "In some ways it'll be harder, but maybe, it might just be a bit easier," she said gently. "You can open your heart now, Harm. You don't have to hide the pain anymore. You can grieve now, its okay."_

_He'd always felt uncomfortable sharing his emotions with anyone, but for some reason, this was different. This was Mac. Everything about her made him feel safe, warm and comforted. "Will you stay with me, Mac?" he asked._

_She leaned forward and kissed his forehead, "I'll always be here, Harm. As long as you need me I'll be here," she told him. "Can we get up now? I think we should head back and get you into a bed, you need to rest."_

_With a deep breath and a nod, he pushed himself up off the ground, and almost unconsciously he reached out to take Mac's hand in his as they walked down the hill._

_They traveled until they arrived at a hotel, and as soon as he'd kicked off his shoes and pulled off his socks, he crawled upon his bed. He didn't bother with the blanket, instead he simply laid atop it with his head buried in the pillow as a few more tears found their way out of his eyes._

_"Harm, you can't be comfortable in those clothes," she said. "Why don't you get out of them and I'll get the bed ready for you. Do you want something to eat or drink?"_

_She said all this while rubbing his back._

_"Not hungry," he said as he slowly sat up and wiped his eyes. He pulled his shirt over his head and threw it into the corner as he went to his suitcase and grabbed a pair of sleep shorts, then sat down in a chair and changed. By the time he was finished, Mac had his bed neatly turned down, and all he wanted to do was climb into it and stay there._

_"Come on, Sailor," she said offering her hand to him. "Let's have you."_

_Taking her hand, he crawled into bed and reached for the covers, deciding he was a little chilly._

_Mac helped him, taking the covers and moving them up so they covered his long body up to his chin. "There," she sighed. "How's that?"_

_"Good, thanks," he said quietly, his voice still a little shaky from being so upset earlier. _

_"You doing all right?" she asked sitting beside him. "Do you want a drink of water? A magazine? Or do you just want to sleep?"_

_"I just need to sleep," he answered. "My head hurts, my...my whole damn body hurts, I just need to sleep. I'll be okay."_

_Mac didn't know why she did what she did just then, her hands seemed to move of their own accord as she reached for his shoulders and started to gently massage them. They were hard as rocks, carrying years of tension that no one should ever have to carry, at least no one as wonderful and gentle as Harmon Rabb._

_He breathed out a long, tired sigh as she worked her fingers over the knots and tried to make him comfortable. It took a few minutes, but before long he felt it working; his shoulders were relaxing and his headache subsiding._

_Mac all of a sudden felt herself blanch. What in God's name was she doing? This was inappropriate and so wrong, but then why did it feel so good. She deepened the pressure moving from his shoulders to his upper back. "Is this okay?" she asked hesitantly, like a teen asking to stay out late._

_"Yeah," he replied, rolling from his side to his stomach. "That's nice."_

_She worked in silence a few more minutes trying to hit all the right places, any place she'd ever seen him stretch or pay attention to. She moved to his lower back and started speaking, "Let it go. Take some deep breaths and release all the tension into your back and leave it to me. I'll take care of you tonight, you don't have to do anything but be still and let your heart start to heal," she whispered. "I'm here."_

_Her touch felt so good on his back, unlike any touch he'd ever felt before. It was as if she knew exactly which places needed a softer touch and which ones called for a little more pressure to release the knots and relieve the pain. He laid there and let her work her magic for a few minutes before he couldn't stay quiet any longer. Without warning, he rolled over onto his back and looked into her surprised eyes._

_Mac pulled her hands back as if she'd been burned. "I'm sorry..." she began._

_"No, no, no, don't say that, please," he said softly, taking her hands in his. "I'm not sure...I don't even know how to think about getting past today, I don't know how to feel or act or any of that, but I do know one thing. I know that whatever I do, from this day forward, I want...I want you do be with me. You came with me Mac, farther than anyone else in my life and that means something. I...I don't think there's anyone else I could have shared today with." He unknowingly caressed the back of her hand with his thumb as he spoke._

_"There's no one else I would have done this for, Harm," she replied, she replied squeezing his hand. "Now why don't you close your eyes and sleep while I go to my room and make arrangements to get home. Okay?"_

_"No, Mac, don't go," he begged, squeezing her hands even tighter. "Please...stay here with me."_

_"You want me to stay until you fall asleep?" she asked gently as if a mother to her child._

_"No," he said, his voice almost a whisper, his eyes locked with hers. "I want you to stay until I wake up."_

_"Sure," Mac replied. "I'll stay with you tonight if that's what you need."_

_"You're what I need, Mac," he said, pulling her towards him as if the world was moving in slow motion. _

_"What are you saying?" she asked him confused by his actions._

_"I'm saying," he replied, bringing her body to within inches of his own. "That you complete me, Mac. In the middle of a universe that doesn't make sense to me, you're the one thing...that does."_

_"You're not in your head, Harm," she smiled and shook her head. "You're delirious. Just lie down and rest."_

_"I'm not delirious," he said, this time his voice a little stronger and a lot more confident. "I know what I'm saying, I know what I need now and for the rest of my life and it's you, Mac. I've been a fool holding out this long, waiting for something like this to give me the guts to tell you how much you mean to me."_

_"What do I mean to you, Harm?" she asked. "Tell me."_

_He pulled her down the rest of the way then, lips seeking hers to convey with touch the emotions he felt in his heart. Gently he took her lips, using his bottom lip to separate hers so that they were completely joined. His kiss was consuming, his hand blindly reaching around her to touch her back, running up and down in gently soft caresses. _

_Mac allowed this, unsure of what he was doing or what he was trying to tell her. All she knew was at this moment whatever he wanted was his. If this could kill the pain in his eyes, then she'd do it for him or with him however he chose._

_Mac had dreams of how this would be only it never involved them both in tears in a Siberian motel room, grieving for loss just as they found life. Of their own accord Mac's arms wound around Harm's neck so that she could be closer to him. She opened her mouth under his a silent signal she was willingly to follow him down whatever path he chose for them._

_If Harm could have pulled Mac through his body he would have. He wanted her close, wanted to be assured that no mattered what happened around them, they could always cling to each other, rely on each other. He moved his lips from hers as she opened her mouth, he didn't want to enter her with his tongue as of yet, he wanted to keep this slow, gentle, but, he also wanted to make it memorable._

_  
He slid his mouth from her lips along her throat up to her earlobe. He pulled it into his mouth between his teeth and nipped lightly. She shuddered against him at the sensation so he continued it, alternating between licking, nipping, and breathing his warm breath against her skin._

_He felt Mac press herself closer to him, tiny hands that at times could be deadly hands, and as she'd just demonstrated, healing hands, coming up to caress his chest, her lips moving to his jaw line to keep the contact with his skin. With his mouth and hands Harm was saying something, he was saying, "I need you." He was saying "I love you." With her hands she was saying, "I'm here for you." _

_As easy as it would be to let their bodies do the talking, Mac had to be sure Harm was in his head, that he knew what he was asking and perhaps beginning. "Harm?" she sighed as he once again moved his lips down her neck to the hollow of her throat._

_"Hmm?" he replied softly, too focused on the beautiful body before him to actually speak._

_"What are we doing?" she asked rubbing her cheek against his chest and her hands up his back._

_"I'm telling you..." he began, pausing to plant feather-light kisses along her collarbone, "what you mean to me, Mac."_

_"You're having sex with me," she pointed out. "Or at least that's where I think this leading." She placed a kiss on his chest, just above his right nipple, making him shudder._

_"I want it to lead there" he said quietly, "is that okay?"_

_"I want to help," she said leaning against him. "I'm just not sure if this is the best...that is I don't want this to hurt anything."_

_Under nearly any other circumstance, he'd realize that she had a point. He'd stop to think about what she'd said; wonder if this was actually what he needed from her. This time, though, he didn't take time to think. He didn't have to. _

_"It won't hurt anything, Mac" he said. "I know what I'm asking...do you want...I mean, can we...?"_

_She didn't answer him in words; instead she reached up to caress his cheek with her soft palm. She looked into his eyes, her brown eyes shimmering with tears that began to fall as she looked into his. She swallowed a sob as she held his gaze._

_Taking her gently by the shoulders as he continued to kiss her lips, he sat up just enough to roll her over onto her back as he carefully straddled her legs, looking into her wide brown eyes._

_Mac stared at Harm still not fully understanding what was happening. She felt him roll her over and straddled her body, his weight pressing her into the mattress. She shuddered then, scared, frightened, and very unsure._

_"Hey" he whispered, placing a hand on her cheek. "Are you scared?"_

_She nodded almost imperceptibly._

_"Oh, Mac" he replied, moving his body to lay right beside hers, his arm draped across her stomach. He could feel her tremble and shake, and it nearly broke his heart. "Don't be afraid. If you can't do this, we don't have to, but please don't be afraid."_

_"I'm not afraid because I don't want to," she replied. "I'm afraid because I do."_

_"Then don't be afraid" he said. "Just let it go...please, let it go." He slowly ran his left arm, the one resting on her stomach, down her right leg and back up again as his lips moved in for another tender kiss._

_During that tender kiss, her clothing seemed to melt away from her body as he revealed a new bit of skin, he'd make tender comments or sounds, letting her know he appreciated her, found her beautiful. When finally they both lay together, skin to skin he raised his hips over her body then fell against her. Now it was his turn to hesitate. "Harm?" Mac pressed._

_"Mm-hmm?" he replied, again at a loss for words._

_"Why did you stop?" she asked. "Did I...Don't you want to?"_

_Oh, I do, Mac" he answered softly, placing a kiss on the spot just below her earlobe. "It's just...I didn't bring...I'm...shouldn't we be careful?_

_"Don't worry about that," she told him. "I'm...protected. I just...I...please," she gasped. "Please."_

_Her hips lifted up so that they met skin on skin and that was all he needed for assurance. He dipped his head to join their lips and their tongues as he angled himself in the position that would allow him to enter her. She shuddered against him as he sex slid into her, filling and stretching her. _

_"Ohhh," she gave a little moan._

_He froze in place, unsure what she was trying to communicate. "Did that hurt?" he asked, his breathing heavy but not heavy enough to mask the concern he had for her._

_"No," she gasped. "It's...so..." Words failed her as she pressed her hip up to encourage him. He smiled and began to kiss her again, never breaking contact until they were both pleasurably spent._

**Present**

"So that was how you dealt with the death of your father?" Vera asked Harm. "By having sex with Mac?"

"It wasn't sex" he replied matter-of-factly. "I mean, yes, the act itself was sex, but... I'm telling the truth when I say there was no way I could have possibly put into words what I was feeling that evening, but being there with her" he looked over at Mac, who was listening intently, "I said everything I wanted to, needed to."

"When did you tell her you loved her?" Vera asked him. "Did you ever tell her that?"

**_Siberia_******

****

_Harm lay awake with Mac nestled against him. She was making tiny lazy circles on his chest as they lie together alternately kissed above and below his nipple. For his part Harm rubbed her arm up and down, still not saying anything until she asked, "What do we do now?"_

_"Well, if we could, we'd stay like this forever" he answered._

_"You know we can't do that," she replied. "We shouldn't have even done this. This is against so many things I've promised myself, not to mention regs and...you don't need to worry about any of this right now. I'm just glad that I could help you in some way even if," she looked into his eyes. "I couldn't ease the pain."_

****

_"You did ease the pain" he said. "You couldn't make it go away, but you eased it more than you could know. Please don't regret doing this, Mac."_

_"I don't," she replied. "I just...being with you like this is...I just don't want you to regret it."_

_"Never" he said. "I want to feel the way I do right now, just being here beside you, every day for the rest of my life. I'm going to marry you, Mac." _

_She gave a small laugh, "You are huh? And what if I don't want to go along with that flight plan?" she asked leaning on her elbow studying his face._

_"Sorry, Major" he said, the smile on his face growing as he spoke. "Non-compliance with or variation from the flight plan is not an option. I'm going to marry you because I... I love you, Mac."_

_She leaned over him and kissed his lips softly. "That's all I need, Harm. I've been sure I was going to marry you someday since I pulled your aboard that helo in the desert. I love you, too."_

_They made love again after that, learning more about each other through touch then through words. If felt right that way, to be so connected. Little did they know one day in the not too distant future, that connection would be broken and all would be lost._

**Present**

"So is it safe to say you've always used physical intimacy in place of verbal intimacy?" Vera asked looking at them both now. Harm had been through the ringer, he needed a break, she could see that.

"Yeah, I'd say so" replied Mac. "I don't think we intentionally set out with that idea in mind, but that's how it played out."

"And now you can't do that because of your medical condition, correct?" Vera asked.

"Right" nodded Mac. "Well, when you say we can't, that's not entirely true. We can, sometimes, but more often than not one or both of us is too afraid of what might happen that we don't even try."

"I see," Vera nodded. "What does happen?"

Mac took a deep breath and clung to Harm's hand. "Well, it either goes great, it's uncomfortable, it's painful, or it..."

"Go on," she prompted. "I know this is difficult but we have to explore it."

Harm jumped in, knowing this was too much for Mac to talk about. "Or it nearly kills her."

"Nearly kills her," Vera echoed. "You mean because the pain is so intense?"

"No, not just the pain" he said. "About a month ago, she almost bled to death from it. It was my fault, but still she almost died because of that monster of a disease!" He felt the anger well up within his heart, directed at any number of targets, mostly at himself.

Mac turned to him feeling his grip tighten so fiercely that it hurt her hand. "Harm, of all the things to blame yourself for, that's not it. That's no one's fault."

"In my head, I know that" he said to her, "but my heart...I don't think I'll ever get over the guilt I have from that night, Mac. I hurt you and I didn't mean to; pretty much the same feelings I have about Mexico. I'd never hurt you on purpose. I hope you believe that."

"I do believe that," she replied. "I do, but...Harm, can you ease up on my hand?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry babe" he answered, releasing most of his grip on her tiny hand. "I just...I don't know how to make sense of anything about this. Why did we get so caught up in the physical that we totally lost the ability to just sit down and talk things through, and why didn't the loss of the physical force us to figure out how to sit and talk? That's what should have happened, not me running off and doing what I did to you."

"That's right," Mac replied. "We should have talked, you should have talked, but instead you made me another obsession Harm, like your father, like Annie and Darlyn Lewis, like flying that damned Tomcat. This problem only started when I stopped being your wife and I started being your cause." She rose from the seat and started to pace. "What are we going to tell our children? Lucy is all ready asking questions about the sleeping arrangements?"

The time buzzed signaling their hour was up. "Time's up for today, and I think this is an excellent point to pick up on Thursday. However, I feel that we are going to need to set up some private sessions. Mac, does Tuesday work for you?"

"That's fine" she replied.

"And Harm, Wednesday at five?"

"Yeah" he answered, having returned to his previous slouching position on the couch.

"Okay great," she replied. "Now I'm going to give you some homework. This was a very emotional session, especially for you Harm, so I want you to reach out for Mac if you need her, but Mac, I only want you to use chaste touch and words to support him. That goes for you too, Harm. If Mac needs to reach out to you, you be there for her. Also, I want you to tell your children the truth. They all ready know and they'll make it worse in their minds if you aren't honest with them. Is that acceptable?"

"Yeah" answered Harm, fidgeting with his cover as he remained on the couch.

"Okay" agreed Mac, looking at the floor.

"All right then," Vera said rising. "I'll see you both on Thursday. Mac, I'll see you tomorrow okay?" She asked as she ushered them out.

"Thank you, Commander" said Harm as they exited the office.

"Don't worry," Vera smiled. "You both want it bad enough, that much I can tell all ready. Go home now, take care of each other."


	18. Chapter 18

Thanks to Snugglebug for helping me and encouraging me to keep on writing. Hugs to you, Lady!

Also special thanks to those who have been reading and reviewing, you make working on this worth it. I love you all!

Disclaimer: I do not own them or make money from them.

**Bethesda Naval Hospital Parking Garage**

Harm and Mac walked independently and silently to the car. He opened her door for her and she got in without a word. Then he crossed to his side and got in. They left Bethesda without a word to each other, not even bothering to turn on the radio. After about twenty minutes of silence, Mac shifted in her chair and laid her hands on her stomach.

"You hungry?" he asked.

"Yeah," she replied. "I'm surprisingly hungry."

"What do you want?" he inquired.

"Mexican," she replied.

"I'm not up to driving all the way to Alexandria tonight," he said. "Would anything else suffice?"

"You don't have to go to Alexandria, Harm. There's that place ten minutes from the house," she said.

"What that little place by the grocery store?" he asked. "You got sick the last time we ate there, remember?"

"So, I'll take a Pepcid. That way you can get Chinese if you want, that veggie thing you like and we can see if Lucy will eat some soup," she suggested.

He shrugged. "I guess that's as good as anything," he replied.

"What you're not hungry?" she asked. "If you really don't want that I'll make us something up or we can stop at Mike's..."

"No, it's okay," he said compassionately. "We can get what you want, that's fine."

"She said take care of each other," Mac reminded him. "If it's not what you want we can compromise."

"Mac," he said with even a hint of a smile. "She did say to take care of each other, yes, but we can get what you want for dinner, honest we can." He reached over towards her hand, apprehensively at first, but when she didn't pull away, he took hold of it.

"All right then. Can you drop me at home first so I can relieve Harriet? I want to get back to Lucy," she replied.

"Sure," he answered. "I hope Lucy got some sleep while we were gone."

"The doctor said her fever should go down soon, but...If there was a problem Harriet would have called us, right?" she asked him.

"Sure she would have," agreed Harm as they rounded the corner of their street.

Mac got out of the car as he stopped in front of the house, "Do you have money?"

"Yeah, I do," he answered. "What am I getting?"

"Whatever is fine with me as long as it is Mexican. Get some wonton soup for Lucy, and some foil wrapped chicken and rice for DJ," she told him.

"Okay" he said, shaking his head a bit. "Whoever heard of a Mexican - Chinese restaurant before this I'll never know?"

"Me neither," Mac sighed. "If you're all set I only have three words for you."

His breath caught a little. "Uh...okay..."

"Extra hot sauce," she smiled and shut the door walking away from his with a shake of her hips.

**0015 ZULU**

**Mackenzie Rabb Residence**

**Manassas****VA**

It was a tired drained Mac that entered her house that Monday night. It was only the sight of her babies that could rejuvenate her soul now and one of those babies was sick and hurting. She used her keys and opened the door grabbing the mail on her way inside. "Hey, I'm home."

DJ reacted first, being his Mommy's boy. He left his place where he was playing trucks with Jimmy and went to his Mommy. "Mommy home," he announced and hugged her around the legs.

Mac stooped over to pick DJ up and hugged him, "How's Mommy's boy?" she asked. "Were you good?"

"DJ good boy," he announced.

"Where's Auntie Harriet and Lucy?" she asked.

"Potty," he answered and squirmed to get down.

"Lucy!" called Mac as she walked towards the back of the house. "Mommy's home, honey!"

At the sound of her mother's voice, the child peeked her head out of the bathroom. "Mommy? Where are you?" She called, not yet feeling well enough to bound down the hall and seek Mac out.

"I'm coming back to you baby," Mac answered stopping outside the bathroom door near Harriet. "How's she doing?" she asked Harriet.

"Better," replied Harriet, who'd spent the afternoon at the Rabb's taking care of all the kids. "She's been up most all the whole you've been gone, and she seems a lot more alert than before."

"Thanks for coming today, Harriet. We appreciate it," Mac said to her friend. "I've got this now if you want to get back to Bud. Or if you'd like to stay..."

"Oh, thanks but no," said Harriet. "Bud's making dinner and then we've got to do baths and bedtime stories. I'll gather my brood and get out of your way." She hesitated for a moment before asking Mac the big question on her mind. "Um, how'd it go?"

"All right," Mac replied. "It was hardest on him today, but we'll both go through the ringer before its over. I just hope we can hold on to the rail and come out on the other side."

Harriet looked Mac in the eye. "If anyone can, it's you two. Believe that, Mac. You'll both be okay once it's over."

"Thanks, Harriet, for everything," Mac smiled.

"Mommy," called Lucy. "Come here, I want to see you!"

"I'm right outside, Baby Girl," she replied. "I better get to her. See you at your place tomorrow unless she gets worse."

Harriet smiled and Mac pushed the bathroom door opened and went to Lucy who was sitting in the tub. "What are you doing in there, Lucy Bear?" Mac asked.

"Aunt Harriet said I should take a bath 'cause I was all sweaty from bein' sick" answered the little girl. "Where's Daddy?"

"He's getting dinner from the place on the corner. He'll be home soon," Mac replied feeling her daughter's forehead. "You're nice and cool now. You feel better?"

"Uh-huh," she said, reaching into the water for her rubber ducky.

DJ toddled back to the bathroom after Harriet left. "Mommy, hungee."

"I know, DJ. Daddy's getting you dinner," she replied.

"That's good, Lucy. How long have you been in here?" she asked.

"Twenty-one minutes," replied Lucy as she held up her hands with the palms facing her mother. "See? I'm gettin' wrinkly!"

"How about we get out and get you a new set of Jammies so you're comfy when Daddy brings you your food?" Mac suggested.

"Okay," said Lucy, placing her ducky on the soap dish and reaching out to pull the plug on the drain.

Mac reached over and helped Lucy get out of the tub. DJ for his part was watching his sister get out of the water. Usually when Lucy was done, it was his turn so he saw her exit as an invite for his entrance so he did, only he neglected to take off his clothes first.

"DJ, no no," Mac scolded and quickly lifted the soggy toddler out of the bathtub. "We don't take baths with out clothes on."

"Silly DJ" laughed a dripping wet Lucy.

Poor DJ wasn't sure what he'd done wrong. Only he didn't like Lucy laughing or Mommy scolding, so he thrust out his lower lip and began to cry.

Mac was trying to calm DJ's cries and keep Lucy warm when she heard a blessed voice from the front of the house. "Hey, where is everybody?" called Harm from the kitchen.

"What happened?" he soaked as he saw DJ, soaking wet and bawling his head off.

"Why is he wet?" asked Harm as he picked up his son.

"He climbed in the tub when I was getting Lucy out of it," Mac replied. "Can you deal with him please?"

"Come on, buddy" he said, patting his son on the back as he held him close. "Let's go get you into something dry and then you can help Daddy set the table for dinner, okay?"

"Mommy yell," he told his Daddy as the walked to his room. "Lulu laugh."

"Oh, it's okay," comforted Harm. "Mommy was just afraid you'd fall and get hurt, and Lucy thought you were being a silly boy. Are you a silly boy?"

"No," he said and stuck out his lip.

Harm changed his son into a dry Pull-Up and some clean PJ's and together they headed for the kitchen to get dinner on the table.

Meanwhile Mac finished getting Lucy changed into fresh PJs and sent her to sit on the couch while she cleaned out the tub.

Harm and DJ entered the kitchen and Lucy smiled at her Daddy, "Hi Daddy." She had burrowed herself into her blanket and was laying on her Daddy's pillow tired all ready from her bath.

"How you feelin', Button?" he asked her as he knelt beside her.

"Better, but now I'm sleepy," she told him. "I gots no more fever Mommy said."

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," he said. "I got you some soup, you hungry?"

"A little bit," she answered. "What soup?"

"Wonton," he replied. "Your favorite."

"Yes," Lucy agreed. "Let's eat!" She spoke with more enthusiasm than she had in days. Before she slid off the couch though she opened her arms wide.

"I love you, Daddy," said Lucy. "You take care of me when I'm sick."

"I love you too, Luce," replied Harm, holding his daughter in his arms. When he thought about the changes that were coming into her little life, it made his insides churn. "Hey, let's go eat, huh?"

Mac finished cleaning the bathroom and quickly changed out of her uniform into a pair of her sweats and her favorite tee shirt, a white one that said, "Proud Wife of a Naval Aviator" on the front of it.

Lucy took Harm's hand and headed to the kitchen behind her father. Mac came into the kitchen then, "What'd you get me Sailor?"

"Chicken enchiladas," he answered as he pulled items from the bags and set them down. He glanced up at Mac, and did a double take when he saw her shirt. "Hey, nice shirt," he said with a smile. "Where'd it come from? I've never seen it before."

"You bought it for me don't you remember?" she asked. "Our one month anniversary?"

"Oh, that's right..." he said as he slowly remembered the story behind the shirt. He'd seen it in the BX at Andrews and bought it as a half-joke, half-serious gift for his new bride. She wore it some at first to humor him, but not so much as the years went by. The fact that she had it on now, of all times, made Harm feel all kinds of different things, the biggest being...hope.

"Why don't you get out of that uniform?" she suggested. "I left your sweats on your bed. Might as well be comfortable."

"Yeah," he said, "let me get them settled first. Here, sit down and dig in; I know how hungry you are."

"Mommy, why is Daddy sleeping in the lighthouse room?" Lucy asked for maybe the fourth separate time since Saturday.

Mac sighed, "We'll talk about that after DJ goes to bed, okay?" Mac answered. "Here's your soup? Do you want crackers?" That was Lucy's term for Chinese noodles.

"Yes, please," said Lucy.

Mac gave DJ some of his chicken and Lucy her crackers, she even set out Harm's Vegetable lo Mein before sitting down to work on her meal. "Harm!" Mac called.

Harm was down the hall in what was usually the guest room, now his room, changing out of his uniform when he heard her call for him. "Just a sec!" he called back. When he grabbed his sweats off the bed, he saw which T-shirt she'd laid out for him. It was the one she'd gotten him on her first TAD after they got married; camo green in color with the words "Proud Husband of a US Marine" across the front. She smiled a little as he put it on, feeling just a bit more hope then he'd felt an hour ago.

"Where's my hot sauce?" she hollered back.

"It should be in one of those bags," he said as he came back down the hall. "I watched them put it in there myself."

"Okay, good," he said. "I knew it had to be there somewhere. How's the enchilada?"

"Give me a second and I'll let you know," she replied and proceeded to pour the hot sauce all over the item before taking a bite. "Mmm, good choice."

"Good," DJ proclaimed as he worked on his chicken and rice, getting more on his bib and in his hair than in his mouth.

"You like that, pal?" asked Harm, picking as much of the scattered food off his son's bib as he could and putting it back on his little plate.

"Yummy!" he declared. "Daddy yummy?"

Harm took a bite of his veggie lo mein. "Mmm," he said to his little boy. "Very yummy! Lucy, is yours yummy?"

The little girl nodded her head, but did not speak as she had to cover her mouth to cough.

"I don't think we should send her to s-c-h-o-o-l yet tomorrow, Harm," Mac told him.

He swallowed the food in his mouth before answering her. "I agree," he said. "You got a plan in mind, sitter-wise I mean?"

"Harriet," Mac replied. "She said she could do it." She took another bit of her enchilada. "So good. Want to try?" she offered.

"Actually," he said. "Yeah, gimme a little bite." He almost never ate meat, but once in awhile he didn't mind a little bit, and given the events of the afternoon, he felt like he should accept any offer she made him.

"Good?" she asked as he sampled the bit of food she held out to him.

"Yeah, good," he said. "But wow, that's some hot sauce on there!" He grabbed for his glass of ice water and took a big drink.

Mac laughed, "Have some bread," she instructed and got up and went to their bread box and handed him a roll.

"Thanks," he said as his eyes watered and his nose began to run. "How can you eat that stuff? I mean, the food itself is good, but you can't hardly taste it for all the spices."

"That's the idea," she replied. "Remind me I said that when I'm sick later. Remember when I was pregnant with Lucy?"

Harm chuckled. "How could I forget? At least 5 nights a week you made me fix you chili cheese nachos. By the time she was born, I didn't care if I never laid eyes on another tortilla chip as long as I lived!"

"Is that why I like chili Mommy?" Lucy asked. "Cause you ate that when I was in your belly?"

"Could be Lucy," Mac replied.

"AJ said my friend Katie got a baby sister last week," Lucy said. "Can you get me a sister Mommy?"

Mac felt the familiar feeling in her gut and looked at Harm to field his daughter's question as she lifted her water glass with a shaky hand.

"Maybe someday you can have a sister, Luce," he said, looking Mac in the eye as he spoke. They'd talked about their plan to have one more baby, and while he knew it was still up-in-the-air given their current situation, he also knew that they both still wanted to see it through if at all possible.

"Good," Lucy smiled and went back to her soup.

Mac jumped from the table then, feeling the familiar pressure in her chest, "Excuse me."

Harm set his chop sticks down and went to go after his wife when a ring of the phone interrupted him. With a sigh, he grabbed it on the second ring. "Rabb residence."

"Commander, how are you Mate? It's Mic," the accented voice proclaimed.

"Ah, yeah, hey you caught me at a bad time," said Harm, anxious to get to Mac. "Can you check back tomorrow, call me at the office?"

"Actually I wanted to speak to Sarah. Is she available please?" he asked.

"Not at the moment," replied Harm, feeling very wary of the Australian's intentions. "I'll let her know you called, though." He didn't offer to give her a message, because he didn't much care for this man calling his wife.

"I'd appreciate that," Mic replied. "Is she all right?"

"Yeah, she's okay," said Harm. "She's tired. Lucy has been a bit under the weather for a couple days; it takes a toll on Mac when the kids are sick like that."

"I understand," he replied. "Give the little one a hug for her Uncle Mic and ask Sarah to call me," he replied.

Harm visibly shuddered at both of those requests. "Okay, will do. Talk with you later, Commander."

"Daddy where's Mommy?" Lucy asked as soon as he hung up the phone.

"Probably in the bathroom, sweetie," he said. "You stay here and eat your soup and keep an eye on DJ. I'll go check on Mommy."

"Kay," she replied and went back to her dinner.

Harm hurried down the hall and peeked into the first open door he came to, the master bedroom. He found his wife lying on the bed, knees drawn to her chest, back to the door. He walked in and sat on the bed beside her, and reached out to place a hand on her shoulder. Commander McCool had said they could touch if necessary, and seeing Mac so upset made him want to do nothing else.

"You okay?" he asked.

"No," she replied. "It should have gotten easier, but it doesn't."

"I don't think it ever will," he said. "Does it help any to think about...how we're going to try again?" He hoped against all hope that he hadn't said the wrong thing; he was sincerely trying to help.

"Sometimes it does," she replied. "Other times I'm so scared that it won't work and I don't think I can handle that," she sniffed.

"Try to focus on the positive," he said, his hand gently rubbing her back. "I know things are...well, they're a mess right now, but we're going to get past all this, and...you know I'll do whatever it takes for us to have our miracle baby. I know you will, too. We're in this together, Mac, and I don't just mean the baby stuff."

She nodded then rolled over to sit up, "We have to tell Lucy tonight," she told him.

"Yeah," he said softly. "We do. She's already picking up on things not being quite right."

"Let's clean up and put down that Little Sailor, then we can do that," she sighed. "Who was on the phone?"

"Oh, uh, Brumby," muttered Harm.

"Brumby? From Australia?" she asked rising from the bed and heading for the kitchen.

"No," said Harm. "He's in DC for something or other."

"Oh," she sighed. Then paused before they reentered the kitchen. "Do you think a hug is considered "chaste affection?"

"I think we could file it as such," replied Harm lovingly. "I know I could really use a hug right about now."

"Come and get it, Commander," she told him and waited for him to lead her as she always had.

He opened his arms wide and allowed her to step into his embrace. When she did, he closed his arms around her and held her close, knowing in the deepest part of his heart and soul that everything would somehow work out between them. It had to.

Mac stayed in the shelter of his arms for a moment the pulled back, "Thank you. What did Mic want?"

"To talk to you," replied Harm, trying to keep his tone as matter-of-fact as possible.

"Okay," she sighed. "I'll call him while you bathe DJ?"

Harm was caught by surprise, but tried not to let it show. "Okay, sure," he said. "The number is on the Caller ID."

Mac set Lucy up with a video then worked with Harm to get the dinner cleaned up before she sent him off with DJ for his bath. She hadn't spoken to Mic in a long time and she had missed him a bit. They'd e-mailed a few times, but nothing in the last two years or so since she'd left JAG. She lifted the receiver and dialed the number.

"Hello," said the unmistakable voice on the other end of he line.

"Hi, Mic. It's Sarah," she said into the phone.

"Sarah, my dear, how are ya?" asked Mic.

"I'm good," she replied. "Tired, you know how it is with the kids and all, but basically good." That was not too much of a lie, physically she felt fine, it was only emotionally.

"Yeah, Harm said the little lady has been a bit under the weather," said Mic. "Is she better?"

"Better, but not herself," Mac replied. "Like now she watching Cinderella and not singing along with the mice, that's not Lucy," she sighed, still upset by Lucy's lethargy.

"Ah, give her a little time." he said. "She'll be back to her old sweet self, just like her mother."

"You flatter me, Mic," she smiled. "So what can I do for you?" She asked then scolded, "Colleen no, no, leave Harm's cover alone."

Mic laughed a bit at her comment to the dog. "Well, I was hoping you and the hubby would join me for dinner this Friday night, you know, visit and catch up, that sort of thing?"

"Um, I'd have to check it with Harm, but as long as I can shanghai the Admiral into watching the kids it should be okay. It would have to be an early night though," she replied.

"Oh, no problem there, love," he said, turning on the Aussie charm. "Shall we say meet at Casa Italiano, 1800?"

"As long as it's okay with Harm," Mac replied. "I'll run it by him and tell you tomorrow?" she replied.

"Sounds great," said Mic. "Well, I'll let you go; I know it's getting close to the little one's bedtimes."

"It is," Mac replied. "Harm's just about to put DJ down and I want to kiss him goodnight. I'll call you tomorrow," she replied.

"I'll look forward to it," said Mic in such a way Mac could hear his smile over the line.

She smiled at that thought, "Goodnight, Mic."

"G'night, Sarah," he said before hanging up the receiver.

Mac hung up her end of the line and went to check on Harm and DJ. He almost had the young boy in his jammies, except DJ was falling asleep on him making the job harder. "You're losing him, Sailor."

Harm laughed a little. "Yeah, I think I am. I remember when he was a baby and he'd just learned to roll over, and I realized how much easier it had been to dress him when he laid in one place. Now, though," he said, pausing to roll DJ over so he could put his other arm in the pajama top. "It's better when he can help some."

"Why don't you go and snuggle with Lucy for a few minutes before we talk to her? I'll finish up here," she suggested.

"Okay, sure," he said, standing up from where he'd been kneeling beside the toddler bed.

Harm was halfway out the door when she said, "Mic wants to go to dinner on Friday. I said I'd check with you."

Then to their son, "Come on, Little Man," she cooed and eased the arm into the train patterned shirt.

"Uh, oh, okay," said Harm. "We'll talk about it after we talk to Lucy; is that alright?"

"Sure," Mac replied. "You don't want to tell her do you?" she asked looking at his face.

"Of course not, Mac," he said. "I don't want to tell her, I don't even know what to tell her. I think, I mean, we should, er, I should probably not get into the, uh, matter with Annie. She doesn't need to know that."

"No," Mac replied. "We only have to address what she sees. We can tell her that we aren't getting along and we are going to a doctor to fix it and staying apart is part of our medicine. She doesn't need to know what you...what we've done to each other," Mac replied as she tucked DJ in.

"Yeah," sighed Harm. "I'll go sit with her; come out whenever you're ready."

"I'll be out in a few minutes," she replied. "And Harm...you have to tell her you made a mistake so she understands why I'm upset with you."

"I know, Mac," he said, his voice low, quiet and dejected.

"Go on now," she said. "I have to use the bathroom then I'll be out and we can get this done," she sighed dreading this as much as he was.

He looked at Mac, knowing the sick feeling in his gut wasn't unlike the one she felt in hers. How were they going to explain to their 5-year-old daughter that her Daddy had some something so bad that he couldn't sleep in the same bed with Mommy? He had to force himself to look away from Mac and put one foot in front of the other, down the hall and to the living room. He felt as if he was being marched to his execution, and to be honest, part of him thought that would be easier than what was only a few moments away.

"Hey, Lucy Bear," he said, trying to sound as happy as possible when he spied the little girl on the couch. "Can Daddy sit with you?"

"Sure," she said, moving her legs so Harm could put them in his lap.

"I'm glad you feel better," he said.

"Me too," replied the little girl. She looked at Harm quizzically for a moment. "Daddy, why are you sad?"

"Let's wait for Mommy then we can talk about that, okay Button?" he asked. "Would you come and sit on Daddy's lap?"

"Mm-hmm" she said, slowly pulling herself into an upright position, dragging her blanket with her.

Harm sat her on his lap and tucked her blanket around her. Then he wrapped her in his arms and held on tight, "Daddy loves you, Button. Don't forget that okay?"

"I won't, Daddy" she said, snuggling closer to him.

He fought tears as he placed a kiss on her head. With his arms wrapped around his daughter, he began to rock. Then softly, almost unconsciously he began to sing her song to her as she held her close.

Lucy snuggled closer to her father. She knew that he and her mother had something serious to tell her or her father wouldn't be holding on to her like this. Her immediate thought was one parent, probably her mother was very sick, like her friend Holly's Daddy. She wrapped her little arms around her Daddy's middle and laid her head on his shoulder.

"Daddy," Lucy's little voice interrupted her father's song.

"Ssh," he hushed her wanting to finish this special moment before her had to break his little girl's heart.

"I love you, Daddy," Lucy told him, rubbing her forehead against his shoulder.

Harm knew that he had to tell her soon or he wouldn't be able to get the words out of his mouth. "Mac!"

Mac could hear Harm as he sang to Lucy and she watched from the hallway as he cuddled their daughter close to him. This was going to be a very difficult evening for all of them, worse for him though given how badly he was feeling all ready after today's therapy session had opened up wounds he'd wanted to forget he even had.

Quietly she joined her husband and daughter on the sofa and placed a hand on Harm's knee, shocked that he pulled it away. He opened his mouth to begin to speak, but words failed his so it was left up to her. "Lucy, Mommy and Daddy have something very important to tell you," Mac began.

"Okay, Mommy," she said.

"Well, you've been asking us why Daddy has been sleeping in the lighthouse room, remember?" Mac asked so the child had an idea of what this conversation was about.

"Mm-hmm," she said. "That's the room Grandma and Grandpa sleep in when they come to see us."

"That's right, well right now Mommy asked Daddy to sleep in there for a little bit," Mac told her knowing her little girl's next question, and hoping Harm would have the ability to answer the wide eyed child.

"But Daddy is 'posed to sleep in the big bed with you" said Lucy, clearly confused.

"That's right, Lucy, I am," said Harm, wishing at that moment he was just about anywhere but there. "But...well, Mommy is very sad because Daddy did something that hurt her feelings, and because of that I'm gonna sleep in the lighthouse room for a little while."

"Like a time out like I got last week?" she asked. Harm and Mac did not believe in yelling or spanking, they exercise punishment in the form of time outs and the occasional chore duty.

"Well, sort of, yes," replied Harm. "Mommy needs me to stay in there for a little while, just until she's not so sad anymore."

"When I make you or Mommy or DJ sad on accident all I got to do is say sorry and give you a hug," Lucy reminded him. "Did you say sorry?"

He looked up at Mac and saw the pain in her eyes. "Yes, Button, I sure did say I was sorry. Sometimes when you're a grown-up, though, saying you're sorry doesn't make it all better. That's why I'm sleeping in the other room and why Mommy and I are going to a special doctor, to help make things better."

At the mention of the word doctor, Lucy's little mind started to flow with all sorts of assumptions and tears started to pour out of her eyes.

"What's wrong?" asked Harm, pulling the girl closer to him as she sat in his lap.

Lucy tried to answer him, but continued to sob so hard she was having a hard time catching her breath.

Mac leaned over and put her hand on Lucy's back, "Lucy, Baby, calm down. It's okay. Tell Mommy and Daddy what's making you cry."

"My...my friend Holly..." began Lucy, still sobbing. "Her Daddy went to a doctor and...and the doctor couldn't make him all better and...and he went to Heaven..."

"Ohh," Mac made a soft noise. "It's not that kind of doctor. But even if we do go to doctors they usually can make us all better. Look at Dr. Parker; he made you feel better right?"

"Uh-huh," said their child, nodding a little as she tried to get her tears under control.

"Will your doctor make you all better, Mommy?"

"Which one? The special one that I see with Daddy or the one that I go to for my booboo?" Mac asked not sure what the little girl meant.

"The...the one with Daddy," she answered.

"Well," Mac replied. "I hope that she can make us both better so that we can be happy again," Mac answered. "It could take a long time, but Mommy and Daddy had to see her once before you were born and she made us better that time."

Mac didn't know how to answer that question. As much as she wanted Dr. McCool to help them heal their marriage she didn't know if it was possible a second time.

Lucy turned back to Harm. "What did you do that made Mommy so sad?"

He feared that question was coming, and with a deep breath, he answered the best he could. "Well, I...um...I had made a promise to Mommy, and I didn't keep that promise." He looked at his wife and saw her eyes fill with tears. "It's not nice to break promises, but I did and that's why Mommy is so sad."

"Why can't you fix it?" she asked her father. "You can fix anything if you want to."

How on earth could he get Lucy to grasp the reality that despite her idea that her Daddy was larger than life, king of the universe, and capable of fixing everything wrong in the world, this was something he couldn't just...fix? "I want to fix it," he said. "And so does Mommy. That's why we have to go talk to the special doctor. She helps grown-up's fix things when they can't fix them for themselves. Does that make sense, sweetie?"

Lucy shook her head. "None of it does," she replied with an answer beyond her years. She started to squirm in Harm's arms.

"I'm sorry it doesn't make sense, Lucy," he said, feeling a pain in his heart like he hadn't felt in a very long time. "But what you need to know is that no matter what, no matter how sad Mommy is about what Daddy did, we both love you and DJ so much, and that we're not sad about anything you did, okay?"

Lucy nodded, then started to formulate a question. "My friend Pete in school...his Daddy left when he made Pete's Mommy sad. Are you going to go away?" she asked him with huge eyes filling once again with tears.

Without looking at Mac, he answered. "No, Luce. I'm not going to go away. I'm only going to the lighthouse room and only for a little while, until Mommy isn't sad anymore." Granted he had no idea where the broken road between he and Mac may eventually end up, but he simply refused to allow himself or his child to think it could end in the worst of ways.

"Promise?" she asked only this time she said it with more hesitation. Her Daddy just told her he'd broken a promise to her Mommy; maybe...She waited for him to answer her.

"I promise," he said, looking his daughter square in the eye. Her fear of his promises being broken was valid, given the conversation, but he was determined to do all he could to keep her from doubting him.

"I'm really sleepy," sniffled Lucy. "Can I go to bed?"

"Of course you can, Sweetie," Mac replied. "Mommy's going to let you stay home from school again tomorrow. Just to make sure you're all better, okay?"

"Uh-huh," said Lucy, clinging to her blanket and resting her head upon her Daddy's shoulder. "Where's my Pooh Bear?"

"He's in your bedroom," Mac answered. "How about you come to Mommy now and we can get your teeth brushed, then Daddy can read you a bedtime story. Is that okay?" She asked this of Harm and Lucy.

"Here, go with Mommy, Button," he said, kissing the little girl's temple as he spoke.

Lucy crawled to Mac's lap and clung to her mother. Mac tried to loosen her grip to make walk to the bathroom, but she held fast so Mac rose with Lucy in her arms.

Once Mac got Lucy to the bathroom and put the toothpaste on her brush she started to run her fingers through her little girl's hair. "Lucy, are you okay with what Mommy and Daddy told you tonight. Do you understand that none of this is your fault or your problem?"

"Okay," Mac replied giving her daughter a one armed hug. "Rinse."

Lucy rinsed her mouth and went to go potty, almost falling asleep as she did so. Mac wasn't sure if she should risk carrying her again, she didn't want to temp fate. "Harm!" she called in a loud whisper.

He heard her as he sat in the living room, reeling from the experience of talking to Lucy. Not wanting to wake DJ, he got up and went into the bathroom. "Yeah?"

She motioned with her head to Lucy who was barely standing on her own two feet after Mac helped her clean up. "Can you...?"

He nodded, and picked up the child, carrying her into her room and laying her in bed.

No story was necessary tonight. Her recovery and the emotional upheaval they'd just laid on her was enough to wear her out. With a gentle kiss on her cheek, Harm left Lucy to her rest.


	19. Chapter 19

Without a word to Mac, he went into the guest room, grabbed a set of running clothes from the basket on the floor and tossed it onto the bed. He sat down and changed, obviously very upset, knowing that he needed to be by himself and blow off some steam if he stood any chance of sleeping that night. Once dressed, he shoved his ID into the pocket on his shorts, zipped it up and headed for the garage door.

Mac intercepted him on his way to the door. She saw him dressed in running clothes so her query was useless, but she asked anyway not knowing what else to say. "Where are you going?"

"Out," he snapped. "I need some air."

"Harm, it's late," she told him. "Its after nine and the roads are dark..."

"That's what reflective shoes are for," he answered, trying to move around her.

"I don't want you to go out there now," she told him. "I...please, let's sit down and let's just sit down."

"I can't right now, Mac," he said. "I need to blow off some steam, try to clear my head."

"You need to blow off steam..." she sighed. "That's..."

"Please, Mac," he said, his voice gentle but firm. "I'm not angry, I'm...hell, I don't even know what, that's why I've got to go out for a bit."

"We should try to talk," she said. "Dr. McCool said..."

"I know what she said!" replied Harm, raising his voice in frustration. "I also know what I need right now and that's to go take a run, so please, move out of my way, Mac, or I'll go out the other door."

"Harm..." she began again."Fine," she moved out of his way. "Run, that's what you do best."

With a hurt look on his face and a shake of his head, he moved past her and out the door connecting the garage and the kitchen.

Mac didn't know what to do. She knew how badly he was hurting because she was hurting herself. Sometimes she wasn't sure if he wanted to try and save their failing marriage and other times he was ready to fold into a pretzel to please her. It just didn't make sense. She went to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. She saw one of Harm's beers he kept there and was sorely tempted, but instead she reached for orange juice. She poured the juice into the glass, and as he hands started to shake she spilled a bit of it over the side of the counter. Seeing the juice spill and feeling her heart jolt, she let out the sob she'd been holding in since they left Dr. McCool's office. Wiping her eyes, she walked to the sofa and picked up the cushion that Harm had leaned against when he was talking to Lucy. It smelled like his soap, a scent that usually comforted her, but now only made her feel more alone.

He walked back through the door, the same one he'd stormed out of only a couple minutes earlier. What he saw when he looked at the sofa made him feel about two inches tall. Closing the door behind himself, he hurried over to the place his wife was seated and sat down beside her, hoping she'd look at him, but understanding if she didn't.

Mac didn't even notice Harm was there so lost was she in the pit of her despair. She had to be the worst wife in the world, saying what she'd said about his father, and the worst mother too, making little Lucy endure their inadequate explanation. She should just, if for no ones sake but Lucy's and DJ's forget about this and move on. They'd always buried the hurt, why should now be any different.

He reached over and laid a hand on her knee. "Mac?"

She pulled her knee back from his hand.

"I'm sorry," he said. "Didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

She lifted her head from her lap, "I thought you needed to blow off some steam," she bit out through her sobs.

"I though I did," he said, running his hands through his hair. "I got as far as the end of the driveway and realized that what I need is...you. You're right, we need to talk."

She wiped away at her tears once again, "Our daughter is very upset."

He nodded. "I know. I knew she would be, but there are some things you just can't make sound...good."

"I know that..." Mac replied. "You..." She got that far before his cell phone rang.

Mac looked at the offending phone, "You better get that," she told him. "I'm going to take my pill and wash my face. Then maybe we can talk rationally."

"'Okay," he said, walking towards the bar and picking up the phone. He flipped it open to read the Caller ID, and rolled his eyes as he answered. "What do you want?"

"You missed an appointment," was the first thing she said. "Last week."

"No, I - " he thought for a moment, and realized she was right. He'd missed the sonogram appointment, not that he was anything more pressing on his mind or anything.

"Yeah, I did. Lucy was sick and there was no way I could get to Baltimore."

"Likely story," she sighed. "If you want to go back on our agreement that's fine, just remember that if you break your end of the deal I can break mine."

"You can save the tough talk and the threats, Annie," he said. "Mac knows about what happened in Mexico and she knows about...this."

"You told her?" Annie was surprised. "What happened to the poor sick little princess that needs to be sheltered?"

"Watch it!" he spat. "Don't you talk about my wife like that! I didn't tell her. I was going to, but as fate would have it, the night I planned to tell her is the night she figured it out for herself."

"I apologize," Annie replied, her voice softening. "I'm just not feeling well myself these days."

"Yeah, well, deal with it," he said, not feeling the least bit sorry for her. "I've got enough to worry about. Why did you call me, just to bawl me out for missing that appointment?"

"No," she replied. "I wanted to tell you that I have another one for Monday at seven and I was thinking you'd might want to go. He said we might get to see the baby and hear the heart beat, the last time there was just the heart beat."

"I can't make that one, either," he said. "I know, I said I'd go to these and now I'm not going, but things here have been pure hell for the past 5 days and I can't possibly get to Baltimore in the middle of it."

"Maybe I can send you a picture," she sighed. "Is the little one very sick or...?" She was switching to the mode she's been in when they'd been together, soft, gentle, and loving.

"She's sick enough," he replied. "But getting better."

"Ear infection?" Annie asked.

"No, sinus infection," he said. "Kids get sick, though. She'll be fine. If you don't have anything else, I need to go."

"Just one more thing," Annie said. "Take care of yourself, okay. You sound horrible," she told him.

"I do? Well gee, imagine that!" he said sarcastically.

"I'm worried about you," she told him. "You're still my friend if nothing else."

"After this...thing," he said, unsure of what to call the situation they'd gotten themselves in to, "I wouldn't count on it. I've got to go now. Goodbye."

Mac heard most of Harm's conversation as she busied herself cleaning up the orange juice spill in the kitchen and counting the days on their calendar since her last period. This is what she was doing when he joined her.

"Can I help with anything?" he asked softly.

"No, I'm okay," she said stopping and counting again. "Who was that?"

"Oh, uh, Annie," he said, bracing for the daggers that were surely coming his way.

"What did she want?" she asked. Then to herself, "Twenty nine, thirty, thirty one..."

"It's not important," he said. "She was the last person I needed to have called me tonight. I'm sorry."

"That's okay," she sighed. "You have a responsibility." Then "Damn it!"

"What?" he asked, walking over to where she stood looking at the calendar. "What'd we miss?"

"Not we," she sighed. "Me. I'm five days late."

He looked at her as his eyes grew wide. "You're what? Wh...? What does that mean?" He thought for a second. "Oh, Mac, surely not..."

She shook her head. "We're not that lucky," she sighed. "I'm guessing the miscarriage through off my regular cycle. But if I'm late..." She left that opened for him to draw his own conclusions.

"Well, now let's stop and think," he said, suddenly very interested in the goings on of his wife's cycle. "Is it even possible, I mean timing-wise and all? Can you remember?"

"I don't know..." She sighed. "Our anniversary was only ten days ago...I guess maybe, I don't know."

"Do you have any tests left in the cabinet?" he asked.

"One," she replied. "In the big bathroom."

"Well, go take it," he encouraged.

She looked at him and the faintest of smile came over her face. "Come with me?"

"Okay," he whispered, the faint smile on his face matching hers.

They made their way to the back bathroom inside the room she was using. He got the test down and left her to her own devices to take it. She opened the door when she was finished and they sat on the edge of the bathtub waiting for the three minutes to be up.

He nodded and stood up, walking to the vanity and taking the stick in his hand. He looked at it, then held it at arms length and looked some more before bringing it closer again.

"Harm, what does it say?" she asked, feeling her anticipation and excitement growing.

"I'm not sure," he said quizzically. "I think there's a second line, but it's not real clear."

"Let me see," she told him. "It's not that hard to read."

She took the stick from him and looked at it herself. He was right, it looked like the second line was there, but it wasn't dark enough to tell for certain. She did just as he had done and held the test out at arms length to determine if she could see he second line any better that way.

"See what I mean?" he said sweetly. "It's there, but it's not."

She nodded. "Yeah. I know with Lucy and DJ the second line was almost as dark as the control line; we could see it from all the way across the room. This one...I just don't know. If you can't see it close up, it's probably not a positive, right?"

She studied the test sick. "Kind of...I think. Here, you look, I can't tell."

He took the stick once more and looked at it carefully. "It looks very light blue to me" he said. "Let's go look in a different light." As he went to leave the bathroom, she grabbed his arm.

"No," she said. "We can't do this to ourselves. We took the test; it wasn't conclusive, bottom line."

"But Mac," he said. "You could be-" She cut him off.

"I know" she said, "but we won't be able to tell one way or he other tonight, and we'll just make ourselves crazy with this damn test. Let's just put it aside and go have that talk we both needed so badly a half hour ago, okay?"

Harm lingered behind in the bathroom to freshen up and Mac made her way out to the kitchen. This kind of talk called for food at least on her part. She took some of his veggie lo mein out of the fridge and heated that up for herself. For Harm, she dished up a bowl of fruit salad and carried both to the living room table. A second trip yielded two iced teas and a blanket for her legs. She sat down then and waited for him.

Harm took his time in the bathroom. He needed the breather, the space, but at the same time he needed to hide in his wife's arms while she told him she was sorry for what she said, like he was certain she would do. He looked into the bathroom mirror and surveyed his face. He was exhausted. He'd barely slept in over a week now, first being away from home and now being away from Mac. Not to mention the mattress on the lighthouse room's bed was soft and drooped a lot.

After splashing some water on his face and changing out of his running clothes into sleep attire Harm joined Mac on the couch.

"Snack time?" he asked her lifting the plate of fruit salad.

"I thought having something to do while we talked would make it easier not to start pawing at each other," Mac replied. "I never thought…"

"Thought what?" Harm asked.

"I never thought that something we'd put so much stock in would hurt us so badly," Mac sighed.

Harm was silent a moment then, "What should we talk about?"

"I think it would be a good idea if we talked about things we felt during the session," Mac commented.

"Things he felt during the session," Harm thought. He couldn't forget the things he'd heard or felt during the session.

"I guess it came from him," he recalled her saying. _"He always had a tendency to be selfish…selfish…selfish…"_

_"Please tell me you're not going to bring my father into this…"_

_"Victim you mean…victim…victim…victim…"_

"I'm having a real hard time understanding how you could call yourself a victim when it comes to my father," said Harm, taking a small bite of his salad. "I'd like to know why you feel that way, if you'll tell me."

She sighed, "That's not what we're supposed to be talking about."

"But I need to know, Mac," he said insistently. "That just kind of came out of nowhere this afternoon, and it hurt to hear it, and I'd honestly love to know what's behind it."

"Since I've met you you've been obsessed by your father, and not just with finding him, but with being what he was. He was a pilot, so you had to be a pilot. It didn't matter that you had a wife at home, a pregnant wife. It didn't matter that the baby was due before your tour would be over all that mattered was you had to go and fly like your father did," she explained.

"Mac, like you said, you knew that when you met me. It's not like I surprised you with any of that; it was all right up front for you to see. You know I had to be gone right before Lucy was born. You also know that I didn't want to go, but it wasn't up to me. I know you've never really liked me being a pilot, despite what it says on your shirt, but I've learned to accept that. Why can't you accept the other side of things?"

"You have a selective memory, Harm. You knew I was pregnant when you requested a change of designator. Why in God's name would you ever do that?" she asked. "Did you want to leave me alone with a baby to raise like your father? Do you want to mirror him that much? We all ready know you and he have the same...issues...Why not the same fate? Why not the same desire to serve your own interests no matter what the consequences to other people?"

"Hey, don't go attacking my dad like that" he said, placing the fruit on the coffee table. "He was fighting for his country and so was I. Yes, I knew you were pregnant when I changed my designator, that's a big part of why I did it. I wanted my baby, our baby, to live in the safest country possible, and I had to do my part to make that happen. Don't think I didn't give any thought to her possibly growing up without me, because I promise you that thought went through my head about a million times a day. Remember which picture I had taped to my instrument panel? Do you?"

Mac shook her head, "Whether I do or I don't doesn't make a damned bit of difference. And for the record I'm not attacking your father, I'm attacking you."

"Oh, well that makes it all okay then, huh?" he asked sarcastically, hating the direction the conversation was going. "I had a picture of you, Mac. Remember the one Harriet took of you at the picnic right after I deployed, and you sent it to me? You were pointing to your belly and smiling, I forget exactly how far along you were, but you were pretty big. I kept that with me at all times; it was either in my pocket or taped up in the cockpit. I hated being away from you, but it was something I had to do. I know you're afraid of me flying, and you probably always will be, but like I said, I've come to accept that. I don't like it, but I know I can't change how you feel. Can we please, though, leave my dad out of this?"

"No we can't," she replied. "Because he's a huge part of it Harm. He's a huge part of you, he's a huge part of us. If he never got shot down, if he never was taken prisoner and sent to Russia, if he never escaped, we wouldn't be together, I accept that. What I can't accept is you having to...to do everything he did right or wrong. He was a good man by any standards, but he made mistakes, two if I count correctly, large ones. Now, you've caught up to him."

Harm thought for a moment, and when he realized what she was saying, he felt lower than a dead man's boots. She meant the two women his father had been with while still married to Trish. One was a pretty young singer who visited the USS Ticonderoga with the Bob Hope USO Tour right before the mission he never returned from. She was hurting, he was hurting, and they sought comfort with one another for a night. The other was Sergei's mother. "Mac," he said, looking down at the floor. "Of all the ways I've strived to emulate my dad, you have to know that's not among them. Not even close. Anyway, his circumstances were totally different than mine. He didn't know if he'd ever see my mother again, not that that made it okay, but it does explain it, sort of. Me, I just screwed up."

"At least you admit that much," she sighed. "But isn't it the same I mean...you're father didn't know if he'd ever see Trish again, you didn't know if I'd ever be who you married. You can rationalize your actions and his anyway you want to but either way you both betrayed your vows, you both lied, you both cheated."

"What? Wait a sec" he said. "I'm not reading you. I'd already married you when I...screwed up, hence the whole definition of 'cheating' on you. You're not making any sense."

"Its simple Harm," she bit out. "I'm not the same woman you married. I've changed and not for the better." She rose from the couch and went to toss her lo mein in the trash.

"Is that what you're trying to say?" he asked, following her into the kitchen. "You've changed because of your disease, and that makes you 'not the same woman i married', and that's why I did what I did? That's not true, Mac. You are the same woman; you can't help it if your body betrayed you. That's not your fault, but what I did is mine. God, I'm trying my damnedest to take responsibility here and accept the blame for what happened with Annie and all the fallout that comes with it, but I can't have you blaming yourself like this."

"I'm not blaming myself," Mac argued. "I'm just trying to find some way to exonerate you so I can live with you because otherwise...I..." She lifted her hands up to her face, forgetting the glass bowl she held in her hands. It fell to the floor and broke with a loud clatter.

He hurried over to her, taking her by the shoulders and carefully moving her away from the broken glass on the floor. "Mac, please, look at me" he said, hands still on her shoulders.

"No!" she shouted and began to cry. "I can't...I can't look at you!"

"Then talk to me," he said. "I came back tonight because I needed to talk to you, and you needed to talk to me, but so far all we've done is engage each other in a fantastic pissing contest! Please, talk to me, Mac!"

Still she refused to look up or to speak. She fought his hold on her. When he didn't relent she commanded, "Let go of me!"

"Fine," he said, releasing his hands from her body. "Fine." He walked out of the kitchen and down the hall to the guest room and closed the door in a huff.


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: See Chapter One.

Mac leaned against the kitchen counter and sobbed, her body hunched over with the force of her despair. Finally she'd cried herself out, and set about cleaning up the glass before the kids or the dog got hurt on it. She sighed. She needed to apologize to him for the things she'd said about his dad, but now he was angry and she was sure he wouldn't talk to her. She'd also wanted to offer to alternate nights in the guest room, she knew that mattress was the pits. She walked past the guest room to find the door closed but not locked. She turned the knob and pushed the door open.

Harm was sitting on the bed, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, crying silently. He looked up when he heard her open the door.

"Harm?" Mac said softly when she saw him look at her with tears on his face.

She moved closer to him and reached out for him.

He looked at her and gently shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said.

She knelt before him and laid her head against his leg. "No I am. I treated you terribly today...all those things I said..." She rubbed her cheek against his thigh.

"I just left you out there, all upset," he cried. "I just left you there and let you cry."

"I think I need to be alone for awhile," she replied. "I needed to cry and apparently you do too. Would you like me to give you some time, considering most of this is my fault?"

He looked at her as he wiped his eyes. "You mean because of what you said about my dad?"

She nodded. "I never should have pulled at those scabs, but we were supposed to be as honest as we could be...I'm sorry I hurt you, although at the time that was the intention," she admitted.

He nodded just a bit. "I know. I deserve your attacks, Mac; what I did was just so...wrong, regardless of any reasons you or I or Cmdr. McCool might put behind it. I hate myself for it, for what it's done to us, to you, the kids." He felt another lump rising in his throat, and stopped speaking in hopes he could keep himself together.

"I don't want that Harm. I don't want any of this," she told him, tenderly rubbing his legs as she knelt before him. "I want us back. I want the birthday parties, the picnics, the happy Christmases. But this is the hand we were dealt, my illness, your indiscretion...I just hope when its over we'll be stronger for it. Now, let me ask you, I think you are having a harder time dealing than I am. Am I right?"

"I don't really know," he answered with a sigh. "I mean, I can't say I know what you're feeling or exactly how you're handling it, because all I have to go by is what you allow me to see on the outside. I can't see your heart, or what I've done to it. I can't say for sure, but...yeah, maybe I am taking it harder than you, but that's how it should be, Mac. I screwed up, I caused this mess, it's up to me to take it like a man and try to find some way to live with it; to try and make it up to you and the kids and everyone I hurt. I should be taking it at least as hard as you, but if someone has to take it harder, I want it to be me."

She nodded, "That's admirable of you. I do have another question though, which we should probably save for therapy, but since you're talking maybe I should ask it now, although I'm not sure if this is the right time, because I'm so damned confused..."

"Hey, slow down, slow down," he said gently. "If it's something you feel you need to ask right now, then please ask. None of this will be easy, so waiting for the perfect time to bring it up may not even be worth doing, you know?"

"Okay," she sighed. "Why didn't you come home and tell me? With Meg, you came home you told me, we held each other, we made love and we got through it. This time...Is it me? Have I become that weak in your eyes?"

With a very deep breath and a run of his hands over his face, he answered. "Where things like that are concerned...yeah. Please, please don't get me wrong on that, I don't think you're a weak person at all. Just...that disease has dealt you a nasty blow both physically and emotionally, and for whatever stupid reason I allowed myself to decide that was a reason to keep this from you. I didn't really see that's what I was doing until the night I called you from Belleville."

"What happened there that changed your mind?" she asked. "Did you know I'd find out or..."

"No, no, it wasn't that," he said with a little sniffle. "I had a long, long talk with Grams about it." He looked her in the eye, unsure of how she'd feel knowing that he told his grandmother before he told his wife.

"Good," Mac replied. "If there was ever an unbiased party its Grams," Mac said with a tiny smile. "She hated Annie."

"Still does," said Harm with a tiny smile.

"So she convinced you to tell me the truth," Mac filled in. "I owe her a phone call."

"She did more than convince me," he said. "She pretty much told me that I owed it to you, to us, to come clean as soon as possible so we could begin dealing with it. I'd been so focused on trying to protect you from the pain that I was missing the fact that this was something we had to face together, bottom line. My keeping it from you wouldn't have spared you the pain of seeing me collapse under the weight of it all, and I hadn't even thought about it like that before Grams laid in to me."

Mac had no words for that. She could imagine it, him trying to carry the guilt, the pain, the anguish and literally collapsing from the stress. Her mind started to run ramped just then as she flashed back to another time when he's done that. It was not like the day in the bathroom after the baby, this time had been much worse.

_Late February 2002_

_Rabb Residence _

_Manassas__VA_

_Mac sat back in their bed, massaging her ever expanding baby belly. She was sick of being in bed, but that doctor had ordered that she stay off her feet as much as possible for six weeks. It was week three and in that time Harm had been a trouper. He's taken such terrific care of her, but she could see it was becoming too much._

_"Got your tea, babe," he said as he carried the mug into the bedroom and handed it to her. "Need anything else?"_

_"Other than to get out of this bed and back to work, no," she said, her patience with him and everything wearing thin. "What kind is it?"_

_"Herbal," he replied. "Decaf. Same kind I've made all week, is that not what you wanted this time?"_

_"I don't want tea, I hate tea. I want coffee," she told him. She took a sip, "But I want a lot of things I can't have."_

_"I know you do, babe," he said. "And I'm sorry about that." Just then, Lucy toddled into the room in tears._

_"I know," Mac sighed. "Oh, Lucy..." She reached her arms out for her little girl. Harm turned around and picked her up first._

_"What's wrong, Button?" he asked, wiping the tears from the two-and-a-half year old's eyes. Since Mac had been put on bed rest, he'd been in charge of caring for Lucy as well as for Mac, not to mention working full-time at JAG and picking up as much of the slack from Mac's absence in the office as he possibly could._

_"Ow..." she said as she gnawed on the finger she'd put towards the back of her mouth. She was working on cutting her two-year molars and was having a terrible time with them._

_"Oh, does your mouth still hurt, baby?" he asked her. "Want to go have a Popsicle with Daddy?"_

_"Oww," Mac startled just then before she was able to formulate her desire to rock Lucy while Harm got her the pop._

_"What?" he asked, eyes wide with concern as he stepped closer to her bedside._

_"Oh, this baby hates me," she sighed. "It keeps kicking me in the back." She rubbed the sore spot on her side. "It's got to be another girl."_

_Harm placed his hand on Mac's belly. "Hey, you in there," he said. "Stop kicking your mother like that, okay?" He rubbed the spot where he'd placed his hand, then leaned down and kissed it. "I'm sorry you're so miserable, Mac."_

_It was only then that she realized how terrible he looked. His eyes were black underneath, the whites bloodshot, and his skin was pale. "Let me take her Harm," Mac said. "I can at least cuddle her. Then I want you to sit down, you look awful."_

_"I feel pretty awful," he said, carefully handing Lucy to her mother. "I hope I'm not coming down with anything."_

_"You're probably tired," she sighed. Then to the baby, "Settle down here with Mommy and we'll have Popsicles together okay."_

_The tiny girl nodded and still sucking her finger snuggled with her mother. "Harm...when she's in bed, you take a break. No more working tonight okay?"_

_"No can do, babe," he sighed, his head in his hands as he rested his elbows on his knees. "I've got a huge case that goes to court martial in two days. I'll probably be up most of the night again."_

_"Can I help?" she asked him. "At least read something?"_

_"I wish you could," he said. "I could use the help, but it's not something I can let you look at this time." He was prosecuting a Petty Officer charged with plotting a mass murder. While it never came to pass, only because he was found out before he got the opportunity to put his plan into action, the written account of what he'd planned to do was enough to make the strongest man wretch. "You're not supposed to be stressed and it's a brutal case." _

_"Damn," she swore, a tribute to her frustration. She never swore in front of Lucy. "That's now two fold. I have to pee again. Take her to the kitchen until I can take care of business here."_

_Taking his daughter in his arms, he went to the kitchen and grabbed two Popsicles from the freezer. "Which color do you think mommy would like?" he asked the little girl. "Red or purple?"_

_"Pupple," she replied. "Ow..." She repeated and started to fuss again._

_"Here, baby," he said, sitting her on the counter and standing right in front of her as he unwrapped her treat. "Let's get a bib on you and go back to mommy, okay?"_

_As Harm tied the bib on Lucy's neck he heard an off toned, "Harm!" from the bathroom._

_Quickly he put Lucy on the floor and hurried back to the master bathroom. "What? What's wrong?" he asked._

_He found her sitting on the toilet leaning forward, face pale and damp. She was breathing deeply, but her legs were shaking. She looked up but did not speak._

_"What's wrong? Talk to me, Mac! What's wrong?"_

_"I just...I feel so weak," she said as she leaned in towards him. "Everything is spinning."_

_"You need to get back in bed," he said, knowing that whatever was wrong wasn't going to get any better the longer she was upright. "Come on, I'll help you stand up. Take my hands. Do I need to carry you?"_

_"Ooh," he hand went to her belly and she started to cry. "Harm..."_

_"Its okay, Mac," he said as he scooped her up and carried her back to bed. "I'm here. I'm right here and you're fine, I promise." He laid her down, then brushed the hair off her sweaty forehead as he talked to her some more. "What can I do? Where does it hurt?"_

_"My back," she told him. "It feels like with Lucy."_

_"Like how with Lucy?" he asked. "Like when she was pressing on your back bone?"_

_"No," she panted. "Like when I called you on the Henry."_

_"You can't be having contractions yet, Mac," he said. "Are you sure it's not something else?"_

_She started to cry harder, "I don't know but that's what it feels like. I'm losing the baby," she sobbed. "I know it. Don't let me lose our baby." She looked at him with wet eyes pleading with him._

_Lucy toddled back in, her face red from her Popsicle. When she saw Mac she plopped on the floor and started to howl._

_"Lucy Bear," said Harm. "It's okay. Daddy's here, baby. Where's your Pooh? Go get Pooh." He wanted her distracted so he could focus on Mac and decide what she needed from him. Looking back at Mac he asked "Do I need to call the doctor?"_

_Mac nodded but didn't speak as she concentrated on breathing._

_Harm called her doctor and after holding a few minutes, the service patched him through. Mac wasn't aware of their conversation only of Harm's hand caressing her cheek and her belly alternately. When he finally hung up, even he looked scared._

_"I need to take you to the ER," he said. "Dr. Bradley said it might be nothing, but he needs to make sure since you've had blood pressure issues all ready."_

_"Lucy," she panted as she tried to sit up._

_"We'll take her with us and I'll call the Admiral on the way and have him meet us there and take her to his house," he said as he put his arm underneath Mac's back to help her sit up. "Still hurting like it was?" _

_"It's going away now," she sighed. "Just like contractions but longer and more intense."_

_"Baby moving all over the place?" he asked as he knelt down to slide Mac's shoes onto her feet. "I know sometimes those kicks just about knock the wind out of you."_

_"Worse than those," she replied. "Those are always in one little spot. This is my whole back and around to my belly," her voice started to fade and she swayed a bit._

_"Whoa, whoa." he said, grabbing onto her to keep her from tipping over. "Lay back down here, let me go get Lucy strapped in the car, then I'll come back in for you."_

_"Harm," she said weakly, trying to fight his hold and sit back up. "Don't..."_

_"It's okay, babe," he said gently. "I need to carry you out there and I can't do that with her unsupervised in here. I'll be right back; I'm just gonna grab her and her diaper bag and then I'll be back for you."_

_She nodded her head and rested back against the bed, trying to fight the darkness that was descending over her. She was scared, she was cold, and she wanted nothing more than to be held by her husband. Still she knew he had to take care of their baby first, both of them._

_Once he had Lucy strapped into her car seat, he returned for Mac. "Okay, babe," he said as he entered their bedroom. "You ready? I'm going to carry you, there's no way I'm letting you try to walk out there."_

_Mac didn't respond, she just let him lift her up and rested her head on his shoulder. "Harm..." she sighed and fought him. "Too heavy..."_

_"No, you're not too heavy" he said. "I bench press more than this," he added, hoping to make her smile despite her misery. "You doing' okay? Need anything before we go?"_

_She shook her head slowly as she let her eyes close._

_As he placed her carefully into the passenger seat and fastened the seatbelt around her, he felt more overwhelmed than he had in ages. He had to hold himself together for the sake of the family, but inside he was in a million little pieces. His daughter didn't feel well; his wife was teetering on being hospitalized if her __OB__ couldn't get whatever was wrong with her under control, and he felt like he hadn't had a break or any sleep for weeks. Somehow, he found the strength to keep going._

_"Da-dy," Lucy babbled. "Mommom. Mommom."_

_"What is it, Lucy?" he asked as he drove to the hospital and scrolled through the phone book on his cell phone in search of the Admiral's number._

_"Mommom seep?" she asked him the seriousness of the situation not working its way into her little head._

_"Yeah, baby," he said. "Mommy's sleepy, isn't she?" He knew Lucy couldn't understand what was really happening, and there was no sense in scaring her if he could help it. _

_The little girl fell silent with her father's validation and let Harm concentrate on calling Admiral Chegwidden and driving Mac to the hospital. The Admiral assured the frightened father and husband he'd be there as soon as he could, and with that assurance Harm felt a bit better as he pulled up to the ER door._

_As soon as Harm arrived at the ER, he ran inside and called for help. Quickly an ER nurse came with a team to help get Mac out of the car and onto a stretcher. Harm parked his car and took his daughter with him to wait the Admiral and complete Mac's paperwork. It seemed like a year before AJ arrived to take the baby and offer him a word of support, it seemed like a century until he was able to wait with Mac who had come to with a bit of medication, and once he was asked to leave her again, it seemed like an eternity before the doctor came to see him._

_"Mr. Rabb?" Dr. Bradley said approaching as he came out of the ER room where Mac was resting._

_"Yes," answered Harm, looking up as the sound of his name._

_"I have news about your wife," he told him. "Let's sit down."_

_With a worried nod, Harm returned to his seat while Dr. Bradley occupied the one next to it._

_"Sarah, as you are no doubt aware is experiencing a very difficult pregnancy," he began. "And you are aware of her gestational hypertension as well, is that right?"_

_"Yeah," said Harm. "Is that was this was, another blood pressure episode?"_

_"Partly, yes.__ Her pressure was 160/95. We're bringing it down now with a bolis of magnesium sulfate and I'm writing her a prescription for an oral medication to help manage it. There are however, two other problems."_

_He felt his heart sink at the mention of any more problems in his life, especially having to do with Mac and the unborn baby. "Okay," he said. "Tell me."_

_"Well, the baby is pressing on her spine, just like your daughter did and that's causing her severe back pain which we can't treat without drugs, drugs which she's refused," Dr. Bradley told him and waited for his response before continuing._

_Harm sighed. "Does she understand exactly what you're offering her" he asked. "I know she hates taking drugs for anything, but when she's pregnant she's even more stubborn because she doesn't want to hurt the baby." _

_"She knows," he replied. "She's still refused. She knows there is little chance of the medication harming the baby."_

_"Yeah, that sounds like her" said Harm. "Stubborn to the point of misery when she doesn't really have to be."_

_"That is easily remedied. I'll give you the script to fill if she changes her mind. The second issue came up in her blood tests. How long before you brought her in did Mrs. Rabb eat or drink?"_

_"Uh..." Harm thought for a second. "I guess about 4 hours or so. She had lunch, and was getting ready to have a snack with our daughter when she began feeling sick."_

_"Then the result is cause for concern," he replied. "I tested her blood sugar. It came back at 163 which is concerning but not dangerous. When she's feeling better, I'll want her to take a more extensive glucose test."_

_"Doc, it sounds like you're suspecting gestational diabetes," said Harm. "Am I correct?"_

_"Precisely," he replied. "If I'm correct, the situation she's facing is an uphill battle. Gestational diabetes along with gestational hypertension which is complicated by sciatica, it is cause for concern. Therefore, I'll be extending her bed rest until her due date."_

_"I see," said Harm, the idea of another three months of having Mac on bed rest making him want to run outside and scream. "Is she stable now? Can I take her home?"_

_"As soon as her drip finishes you can take her home," he replied. "She has to be still and quiet at least until I can test for the diabetes. Is that understood?"_

_"Understood" said Harm. "Is the baby okay? Did you do an ultrasound today?"_

_"I checked the heart rate and that's right where it should be, 140," he replied. "Your son or daughter is being stubborn, but he or she is healthy and should stay that way provided you and Mrs. Rabb obey my orders," Dr. Bradley told him. "Take this seriously, Mr. Rabb. Her life and the baby's depend on it."_

_"I'll take it very seriously, Dr. Bradley," he said. "You can bet on it."_

_"Go to her now, keep her quiet," he replied and handed Harm three prescriptions. "The top one is for her pressure; she takes it twice a day. The other is a mild pain killer if she should change her mind. The third is for her glucose test," he instructed. "Have a good night, Mr. Rabb." With that he left Harm and went down the hall._

_Another two hours later, the Rabb's arrived home. Harm helped Mac to the bed and settled her to lie down and rest. She was exhausted and in pain, which broke his heart. He felt responsible, not only for her condition but because there was nothing he could do to help her. _

_She fell asleep quickly once he'd helped her get comfortable and he headed out to work on his notes for the upcoming court martial._

_He'd worked for about a half hour when he realized that one of the files he needed, the one containing the depositions from several of their key witnesses, wasn't in his brief case. He dug through everything on his desk, but it didn't do any good. The file was on his desk at the office; he could picture it in his inbox. Bud had placed it there yesterday afternoon, and he'd meant to put it with the others before he left, but with everything going on at home with Mac and with him being in charge of keeping their entire household running, he simply forgot._

_"I could run and grab it," he thought to himself. "But if she wakes up and I'm gone...Maybe I could get Bud to bring it over...Maybe I could..." the thoughts began racing through his head. He didn't know what the answer was._

_He walked down the hall to check on Mac as his mind continued to race. "She's sleeping like a rock right now," he though. "I bet I could break away for a half hour and then come right back...but then what if she needs me...what if..."_

_He could hear Dr. Bradley's voice in his head, telling him that Mac's life, the baby's life depended on her resting quietly, on his making sure she rested quietly...If he left her and she woke up...but if he left the file at the office he'd be behind the eight ball and have to play catch up, not to mention get chewed out by the Admiral...It was a no win situation there was nothing he could do._

_Harm felt like the world was caving in on him. He was once again tore between his family and his career, which had happened to many times before. "What do I do, Mac?" he asked her sleeping form. She didn't answer of course, she was too tired._

_His eyes combed over her still form, watched her breathing, in and out, in and out in a slow steady rhythm. He noticed for the first time how swollen her hands were, so much that her ring appeared to be cutting into her skin. _

_Why did this have to be so hard? Why did everything have to be so hard? It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair._

_Try as he might Harm couldn't stop those thoughts from going through his head. Thoughts of the unfairness of life, turned to darker thoughts, thoughts he didn't want to give credit to. "Get a grip, Rabb," he told himself. "She needs you."_

_Even with that pep talk though, he couldn't stop his hands from shaking as he watched her sleep and he couldn't stop the pain in his chest from spreading and crushing his lungs, making breathing normally impossible._

_He moved his hand to his chest and massaged it, trying to get it to stop aching so he could breathe. Slowly and somewhat unsteadily he made his way to the sofa and sat down, trying to slow down his breathing and get himself under control._

_He'd just about done this and achieved feeling in his numb arms and legs when he heard a plaintive, "Harm?"_

_He knew he had to get to her; she obviously needed something and he was the only one who could get it for her. With every ounce of strength he had, he rose from the sofa and clung to the wall as he walked down the hallway._

_Harm's response was too slow, and that in itself worried Mac not too mention the unnerved feeling that had awakened her. She called out again, "Harm!" and pushed herself up on her elbows._

_"I'm...I'm coming," he called, hoping she couldn't sense anything was wrong by the tone of his voice, completely forgetting that as soon as she saw him, she'd know something was very, very wrong._

_He sounded wrong to her, he sounded out of breath, like he couldn't catch his breath. She'd worried about the stress of this being too much and now she knew that fear was being realized._

_He reached the frame of their bedroom door, and took as deep a breath as he could manage given the crippling constriction in his chest. He stepped inside to see what Mac needed, praying he could hide everything he was feeling for just a few minutes. "I'm here," he gasped out. "What...what do you need?"_

_"I..." she began to tell him she needed a back rub for the pain, but one look at him and her pain was all but forgotten. She threw the blankets aside and got out of bed rushing to him and grabbing hold. "Harm, what's wrong with you?" she asked, her heart pounding as she felt how clammy he was and how much he was shaking._

_"Nothing," he said, struggling to catch his breath. "Get back in bed! You're not...supposed to get up!"_

_She slipped her arm around his waist, "I have to get up when I call my husband and he comes to me looking like this," she told him. "Stop protecting me. What's wrong? Can't you breathe? You're scaring me. Come sit down."_

_He did as she asked and made his way to the bed, sitting down on the edge. He was shaking terribly, sweating buckets and he felt as if a 1,000 pound rock was sitting atop his chest. "I...I can't catch...my breath..." he said. "My chest...hurts...bad..." He looked at Mac with panic-filled eyes, hating himself for being in that condition in front of her._

_In spite of her own fear, Mac had two reasons to be calm, Harm needed her now and so did her baby. He'd come through for her since she'd gotten pregnant, it was her turn. She reached forward and undid his belt, his fly, and the button on his shirt. "Harm, lean forward and try to breathe deeply. I'm calling the ambulance."_

_"No, Mac" he said, still very much out of breath. "Don't call...I'm okay...You get back in bed..."_

_"You are not okay," she told him. "You can't breathe, you're having chest pain...please, let me call. If you feel better before they come you can make the leave," she pleaded._

_She said this all the while rubbing his back to calm him._

_"Okay" he conceded, knowing that he really did need the paramedics to come check him out. He tried very hard to squelch the fears in the back of his mind that he was having a heart attack, but he knew it was a high likelihood given his symptoms. His fear of possibly being told that was actually happening was outmatched only by his fears of dying and leaving Mac and his children alone._

_Calmly, Mac dialed 911 and sat with Harm until the medics came. "How're feeling?" she asked him, trying to keep him talking._

_"Still can't...breathe," he said, sweat still pouring off his entire body. He looked Mac in the face, and seeing the fear in her eyes he wanted to cry, if only he had the lung capacity to do it._

_"Does your arm hurt?" she asked, remembering her basic first aid._

_"No," he said softly. "Hands and fingers are numb though."_

_"I have an idea," she said. "You stay still. I'll be right back."_

_"No, Mac..." he said, losing the battle with making his stubborn lungs take in air. "Back in bed, please..."_

_"As soon as you get help," she told him and left him there a minute while she went to the kitchen in search of something to help. She was back a few minutes later with a damp cloth for his forehead, a glass of water, and a paper bag._

_She opened the bag and handed it to him, "Breathe into this," she replied, almost certain now that what Harm was experiencing was not a heart attack. If it was this bag would not help. If it wasn't, it should. _

_He took the bag from her and breathed what shallow breaths he could manage into it, feeling lightheaded as he did so._

_Meanwhile, Mac dabbed at his forehead with the cloth to try and soothe him. "Helping?"_

_"Not really," he said, still inwardly terrified at what was happening to him. He heard a ring of the doorbell and a pounding against the front door._

_"That's the medics," she told him. "Keep breathing deeply, I'm going to let them in."_

_He nodded, trying to catch his breath and still failing miserably._

_Moments later Mac returned with two paramedics carrying their kits, portal oxygen tubes, port able EKG machines and portable blood pressure cuffs. "Commander Rabb, can you hear me?" the one medic asked while slipping a blood pressure cuff on his arm._

_"Yeah," said Harm. "What's wrong with me...?"_

_"I'm going to try and find out. Are you having pain in your chest?" he asked as he started to inflate the cuff._

_"Yeah," replied Harm. "Can't catch my...breath either..."_

_"All right," he sighed. "Your blood pressure is normal." He slipped a pulse ox on his finger. "And you pulse ox is 98 on room air. That's good." _

_He took one of Harm's hands and press on his fingers. "Cap refill normal," he said to his partner and took a stethoscope while his partner began putting the EKG leads on Harm's body._

_"Reps are 18," the medic reported. "Mr. Rabb, try and slow down your breathing. Mrs. Rabb, come on over her and help him."_

_Mac moved to Harm's side and started to rub his back gently, making soothing sounds to him, reassuring him as he worked to breathe more slowly._

_"EKG looks good, Pete," the second medic replied. Pete nodded, "Mr. Rabb, can you tell me how you felt before the symptoms started?"_

_"I was fine one minute," began Harm, his breathing beginning to even out just a bit. "Then I felt all shaky and...and sweaty, the room was spinning...heart was racing..."_

_"Are you stressed at work or at home?" Pete asked him._

_"Our baby is causing me problems, I've been on bed rest and our two year old is cutting teeth, not to mention work. He's stressed," Mac answered. "Is he going to be all right?"_

_"Mr. Rabb, you're breathing is returning to normal and all of the initial tests seem fine. Its up to you if you want to go to the hospital but my best bet is that you were experiencing and anxiety attack," Pete replied. "Jeff is going to call this into a doctor at the ER, but it's my estimation that this was not a cardiac episode. It's up to you."_

_"You think this was because of anxiety?" asked Harm still breathing somewhat hard. "Nah, I'm...I haven't been that stressed, really..." He was so wrapped up in the whirlwind that was his life that he'd lost all perspective of how great a toll it was taking on him._

_"Sweetie, yes you have," Mac told him. "When was the last time you slept?"_

_He had to stop and think. "Couple hours last night," he said. "Before Lucy woke me up at 0400 with a tooth ache. Never went back to sleep after that."_

_"Harm, why didn't you ask me for help? Why didn't you bring her in here or...I'm so sorry, Sweetheart," Mac told him continuing to rub his back and hold his hand._

_"Because," he said. "I'm supposed to be the one taking care of you, not asking you for help. I was doing okay with it all...at least I thought I was..."_

_The second medic returned from his phone call just then, "Mr. Rabb, the ER staff physician suggests that we bring you to the hospital to be checked over. While the initial testing was negative, she wants to be sure," he told him. "Your call but I would go in just to be safe."_

_"I really don't think that's necessary," said Harm, still pale and sweaty. "I need to be here to take care of my wife, and my friend will be bringing our little girl back over within the hour. I have to...be here...for..." His breathing began to feel labored again the more he tried to argue._

_"Harm," Mac said calmly. "You have to go to the hospital now. I'll go with you and I'll hold your hand okay?"_

_"No, Mac," he said, his breath coming harder and harder. "You need to get...back in bed...please!"_

_"I need to be with you,' she told him."I won't rest if I'm not, I'll worry and if something does happen at least I'll be in the hospital and you'll be right there with me. Come on now, don't make this any worse," she told him, still making that soothing motion. "It's all right."_

_The crushing pressure in his chest combined with his wife's gentle pleas convinced Harm to agree to go to the hospital. "Can you call AJ?" he asked Mac. "About...Lucy?"_

_With a slight nod, he focused his energy, what little there was, on calming his breathing down._

_Mac slipped on her sliders, one of the only things she could put on herself and followed Harm out to the ambulance with Pete's assistance. _

_Thirty minutes later, Harm was being given a treatment to relax his bronchial passages and Mac was sitting with Lucy on her lap at his bedside, her legs propped up on a chair and two pillows._

_"Sit daddy," said Lucy as she reached out for Harm._

_"Lucy, you can't sit with Daddy right now. He's taking his medicine."_

_The child began to wriggle and squirm in Mac's lap, trying her best to get to her daddy. _

_"Lucy, Baby, sit still," Mac told the baby. "You can sit with Daddy when he's all better okay?"_

_"Daddy..." cried Lucy, leaning as far forward in her mother's lap as she could, nearly falling onto the floor._

_Harm realized how much Lucy was climbing all over Mac, and reached out his arms, nodding to her that it was okay to come to him. The last thing he needed was for Lucy to hurt Mac in any way by trying to get to him._

_"Mr. and Mrs. Rabb, how are we doing?" the young doctor asked, coming in to remove Harm's treatment._

_"I've been better," replied Harm as Lucy played with the ID bracelet on his wrist._

_"Still having pain in your chest?" he asked listening with his stethoscope._

_"A little," he answered. "Nothing like before, though."_

_"And I see you've caught your breath, which is good," he replied. "I have the results of your blood tests."_

_"Okay," said Harm with a great deal of trepidation as he looked over at his wife. "Go ahead, please."_

_"Your cardiac enzymes and blood gases are all normal, you EKG and cardiogram are normal, as are your X-rays. I suspect that you did indeed have an anxiety attack, not a heart attack," the doctor assessed._

_"Oh, that's great," said Harm. "I really thought there for awhile..."_

_"That's a common fear," he replied. "I must warn you though, panic attacks are nothing to play with, they are very serious, however since this was your first episode I'm not going to suggest you be medicated, however I am going to suggest you take it easy for a day or so, and just generally try to reduce the stress in your life."_

_"I'd be glad to, doc" replied Harm, "provided you can tell me how I'm supposed to do that while taking care of my pregnant, bed-ridden wife, our daughter, keeping the household running AND working over 40 hours a week?"_

_"Get some help. Mr. Rabb," the doctor replied. "Hire a babysitter or nurse, work from home, get a housekeeper, work 40 hours only...there are options," the doctor replied. "How are you doing Mrs. Rabb?"_

_"If he's okay, then I'm okay too," Mac replied. "Right Lucy Bear?"_

_Lucy smiled at her mother and snuggled in closer to her daddy._

_"I'm going to release you," the doctor told him. "And I'm serious Mr. Rabb, for at least a few days, you need, you need to slow down." With that he was gone._

_"I guess maybe I've been overdoing things a little" said Harm. "I'm sorry, Mac."_

_"No, I'm sorry. This is my fault..."_

Present

"No, it's not, babe," he insisted. "You're not the one who went TAD with way too many things on your mind and no idea what to make of them, and you're not the one who acted like an inconsiderate ass - Grams' words, but they sure do fit me."

Mac looked at Harm as if he was speaking another language so absorbed in her flashback was she that she answered in response to that situation. "It's my fault you got sick and its my fault you couldn't breathe and had to go to the hospital, mine, all mine," she insisted.

"Wh...? Wait a minute...what you are talking about?" he asked.

She didn't respond as she felt herself come back into real time. This wasn't 2002, Harm wasn't in the hospital, he was here with her and fine, at least for now. She threw her arms around him and held tight.

The feeling of her in his arms, holding on to him, needing him...he felt that knot in his throat return as his eyes began to burn.

"I was thinking about that day, that awful day when I was pregnant with DJ," she told him. "Do you remember?"

He nodded, continuing to hold her close. "Yeah, I do. I thought I was having a..." He couldn't even get the words "heart attack" out.

"I thought I was going to lose you," she confessed after nearly three years. "And I'm scared because even though I'm so hurt and angry you're starting to look like you did then and I don't want that to happen again."

He pulled away from her just enough to look into her eyes. "Mac, I'm...I've been afraid... I am afraid that you'll send me away, you'll make me leave. I don't want to go, and unless you send me away...I'm staying right here with you. I screwed up bad, but I'm here now and I'll be here unless you don't want me to be."

"I don't want to send you away," she confessed. "But I don't want to be with you all together either. That's why this arrangement works out for me, I know you hate it but this is what I need."

"I know" he whispered, caressing her shoulder. "I'm so confused, Mac. I want to be whatever you need me to be; do whatever I need to do to give us the best possible chance at getting through this together. Sometimes, you seem to want me right there, other times you act like you can't get far enough away from me. I know I deserve all the feelings I've got and then some, but it's awfully hard to always be wondering what you really need from me."

"Want to know what I really need?" she asked him sitting sideways on his lap.

"I sure do" he said, fighting the urge to lean in and kiss her forehead.

"I need you for the first time in this marriage to let me lead, to let me tell you when and how I need you to do something because right now I'm so confused and hurt...my needs change like the tides," she told him.

"Consider it done" he said, pulling her closer.

"I have some needs right now," she said. "Interested?"

"I am" he said. "Anything I can do, I will."

"Okay, I need to be alone for a bit and think about things and more so, I need you to go to the master bedroom and take a hot bath, then sleep in the big bed for tonight," she told him.

"Oh, Mac, are you sure? This bed sucks; I don't want it hurting your back, especially since you might be..." his voice faded.

"I doubt that, Harm," Mac replied sadly. "I can't let myself hope for that, but please, please rest tonight. Please," she said.

"Are you absolutely sure you want me to take the big bed?" he asked. "I'm not trying to question what you're saying you need from me, I just...I don't want you to suffer on this sorry excuse for a mattress. Why haven't we ever thought to replace this thing, anyway?"

"I never thought anyone would be here more than a night or so," she replied. "How is your back?"

"It's okay," he said. "Kind of stiff, but not bad."

"Stiff is bad enough. I wanted to hear fine," she chastised. "Now, go take a hot bath and sleep in a normal bed, just for tonight," she said again.

"Okay," he said, "if that's what you need me to do to make you feel better, I'll do it." He held her tight and they sat in silence for a moment before he spoke again. "Mac?"

"Yes," she replied, not moving from her perch on his lap.

"None of this is your fault," he said softly. "Do you believe me when I say that?"

"I believe that you think that," she replied. "And I think that with time we'll both realize that both of us could have behaved differently than we did. But we can't go back, only forward. You want that too, right?" she asked, not looking at him, just leaving her face tucked inside the crook of his neck.

"Oh, I sure do, babe," he said, inhaling the scent of her shampoo as she rested her head against him. "I want us to deal with this, however long it takes, and get past it and then not look back. It won't ever change what I did, but I want to put it in the past and keep it there."

"It'll never be in the past if the baby Annie carrying is your child Harm," Mac told him. "I'd be more upset with you if you tried to make it that way."

He cringed as the issue was mentioned. "If it is mine" he said, "then you know I'll do the right thing, but I've got some major doubts about that whole situation. I mean, yeah, the chance exists that it's mine, but I've got a strong hunch that there's a greater chance it's not. Hell, for all I know she screwed a different guy every night she was there, which would make me just about the stupidest man on earth..." He began to get worked up over his anger at himself and at Annie.

"Harm, calm," Mac said gently. "Let's not worry about it right now, let's just realize the possibility and do our best to deal with whatever comes up..." She trailed off a bit and very softly, "Together."

He pulled her even closer and finally gave in to his desire to kiss the top of her head. "I'm going to go take that bath now. Do you need anything before I go?"

"No," she replied. "I'm going to lock up and check the kids. I'll come in to say goodnight later on."

With a nod, he got up from the bed and walked slowly to the master bathroom.

Mac checked the doors, took Colleen for a walk around down the road, and checked make sure both children were sleeping peacefully. She settled down on the sofa then with a copy of How to Say it To Your Kids and read for a bit. When she heard Harm start to drain the water and change clothes she went to make him a cup of oolong tea.

Harm tossed his dirty clothes into the hamper and ran a comb through his wet hair before crawling into the big bed and lying on top of the covers. He was tired, but not the kind of tired that sleeping could totally fix.

He lay there, thinking about anything and everything. He knew going to therapy was the right thing for them to do, but he sure didn't enjoy facing all the issues that inevitably surfaced. The things Mac had said about his father and about Russia, they hurt. He reminded himself that they were only in therapy because of his mistake, but it didn't make the sting of his wife's words any less painful. His mind had just begun to drift to the situation with Annie when he heard a quiet knock on the door frame.

"Harm?" Mac called through the door. "Can I come in?"

"Please do," he answered, smiling a weak, sleepy smile.

She pushed open the door and saw him, lying on their bed, looking tired and worn out. "I brought you some tea and honey," she told him and set it by the bed. "I thought it might help you to relax."

"Thanks," he said. He laid in still silence, staring at the ceiling fan above the bed.

"Was the bath nice?" she asked, feeling tension between them and not wanting it there.

"Mmm, yeah, it was" he said with a sigh. It was nothing compared to the one he'd taken on their anniversary, but he knew better than to say anything like that. Still, it was true.

"I'm glad," she replied. "Do you think you'll be able to sleep tonight?" She reached out and traced the lines around his eyes. "So tired."

He felt a spark as her finger made contact with his face, and he tensed a little. He took a deep breath, knowing it didn't matter if he felt a spark, a million sparks or a four alarm fire at her touch, there was nothing he could do about it. "I'll..um...yeah, I'll really try to sleep."

"Can I get you anything else?" she asked him. "Can I do anything to make it easier for you? I need you one hundred percent; Sailor and that memory really scared me tonight."

"You can't make it any easier, Mac" he said, turning his head towards her for the first time since she'd come into the room. "Because as we learned today, we've really only got one way of getting through moments like this, nights like this, and Cmdr. McCool said we can't do that this time, so..."

"But...but I want to," she confessed. "I want to so badly. I need to."

He looked into her eyes, seeing the very same pain he was sure she could see in his. "Mac...we can't...I mean, you need your space to think and to make some sense of this, and the Cmdr. was very adamant about us not doing that anymore..."

"I know," she sighed. "I just want to be with you tonight I..." She sighed, "I want to make you sleep that's all. I'm really scared Harm...I remembered that night for a reason I know I did."

"I promise you I don't feel like I felt back then" he said, thinking cak to the night he had his horrible panic attack that scared the hell out of them both. "I'm stressed, tired, confused, scared and so on, yes, but I'm not trying to carry it all alone this time."

"I think you are," she countered. "You've said as much." She sighed and stopped touching him.

He rubbed his face with his hands. "You're right, I have said so, haven't I? Well, regardless, I don't think we can really do or say much else tonight to make either of us feel all that much better, as much as we wish we could. Let's say we call it a night? I know you're tired, too."

She nodded and leaned over a bit, signaling that she wanted to kiss him goodnight. She waited though to see what he would do.

He reached a hand out and gently pulled her face closer to his, placing a sweet, chaste kiss on her lips. "I love you" he whispered.

"I love you too," Mac replied rising and moving to the door. "In spite of everything, I love you too."


	21. Chapter 21

All Standard Disclaimer Apply.

A/N: Once again I ask that you all stick with me as we go on this roller coaster ride together. Keep an open mind and I will see it through to the end.

Thank to all who are reviewing and reading. And thanks and big hugs to Snugglebug for her assistance, support, and talent. Hugs to you!

On Friday night, Harm and Mac stood in the lobby of Castillo's restaurant, dressed in civilian clothes waiting for Mic and his date to arrive. It had been a rough few days for them each coming home tired and irritable after their individual sessions and having their Thursday session cancelled because of Commander McCool's daughter's broken ankle. Thus it was a tense couple that waited for Mic that night.

"Harm, fix your tie," Mac told him as she fussed with a strand of hair for the third time.

"I did fix it," he said. "Mac, leave your hair alone; you look fine."

"I can't get this piece to lay right and I want to look nice," she told him. "And you didn't fix it because it's still crooked."

"Well then here, you fix it, please," he said, slightly frustrated.

She turned and adjusted the knot so it was perfectly symmetrical with the buttons on his shirt, "There you go," she sighed. "You know what I was thinking about?"

"Hmm?" he asked.

"We never did do another pregnancy test. We need to," she told him. "Still no cycle."

She said it flatly, no excitement, just matter of fact like most everything for the last three days.

"How the hell did we let that slip our minds?" he asked in amazement. "Do you think you are or not?"

"I don't know, but I want to check. If I am, its high risk so I want to be treated as soon as possible," she told him.

Before he could respond he heard the familiar accent that was only Mic Brumby, "Ah, Sarah, Harm, nice to see you," he smiled and extended his hand. "Have you met Annie?"

Harm stood frozen in place, thinking this had to be some kind of sick joke. His mind immediately went from that to worrying about what Mac must be feeling.

Mac felt her gut knot as soon as she saw Annie come in the room. She knew the woman wanted her to act out, lose her cool, so she responded with calm Marine control. "Yes, she's an old friend of Harm's," Mac replied and extended her hand. "Nice to see you again."

"Hello, Mac," said Annie, taking hold of the offered hand. "Good to see you again, too." She then turned her focus towards Harm, hesitating a little, unsure of how she should act. She hoped he's say something, extend his hand to her, anything to break the awkward silence that hung in the air between them. He didn't.

"Shall we?" Mic finally said. "I have a reservation."

"Uh yes, of course," said Harm, thankful to be out of that moment frozen in hell. Harm reached out to put his arm around Mac, knowing that she was hurting way more than she would allow anyone to see.

She accepted his support and put her arm around his waist, presenting the picture of a happy couple. The maitre D led them to a quiet table in the back of the restaurant. Mic held Annie's chair and Harm held Mac's before the men sat down.

"So how did you two meet?" Mac asked once she'd put her napkin on her lap.

"Well, she had herself a flat tire on the Beltway. I changed it for her and here we are," Mic replied. "How are the children?"

"They're great," said Harm. "Between the two of them, we're on our toes 24/7." He was doing all he could not to look at Annie. He hated that she was there, hated having to listen to her and be anywhere near her, especially with Mac. He wasn't sure how he was going to make it through this meal with any sense of sanity intact.

"Lucy's feeling better then?" Mic asked. "Sarah has been concerned about her all week."

Harm was puzzled at Mic's comment. "Yes, Lucy's better. How...how do you know that Mac has been worried all week?" He looked at his wife, still unable to fit the pieces together.

"Um," Mac began. "Mic is my new right hand at the SecNav's office. Remember I told you," she said to cover it quickly to save face.

Harm knew she'd never told him, and he also knew this was neither the time nor place to get into that matter with her. "Oh, oh yeah," he said convincingly. "That's right. So, how do you like it there, Mic?"

"It wonderful," Mic replied. "Different than JAG, but its great working with Sarah again," he replied.

"So you stay pretty busy there, huh Mac?" asked Annie, trying to make herself a welcome part of the conversation.

"Yes," she replied. "There's always a lot of protocol questions, policy reviews and so on...It's easier there with the kids that way I'm home more. Of course when Harm's gone," she looked at him with a bat of her eyelashes. "The children are understandably distraught, especially Lucy." Mac took a sip of her water. "I just hope that the new baby is a girl, just so I can see that look on his face again," Mac sighed. "Lucy is his favorite, no matter how hard he tried to deny that he doesn't have one."

"A new baby?" said Annie. "I didn't know you were expecting..." Her gaze shifted to Harm, who happened to be looking directly at her for the first time all evening. He shot her a glare that, if looks could kill, would've had her pushing up daisies in seconds

"It's pretty early yet, but I've had babies before, I know what it feels like," she replied. "And of course the test was positive so..." Mac reached out to Harm.

He knew Mac was lying, and he knew exactly why, which made him more than happy to play along. "Yeah, it's pretty exciting news," he said, taking a drink of his wine. "If you'll excuse me for a moment, I'd like to go call and check on the kids. DJ was having a bit of a fit when we left, I don't want the Admiral to still be dealing with that if I can help it."

He leaned over and gave Mac a loving kiss before rising and heading for the parking lot. He had no intention of calling anyone; he just needed a few moments to catch his breath. It didn't play out that way, though, when not two minutes after he'd departed from the table, Annie joined him outside.

By the time Annie caught up to Harm she was seething, "What are you trying to pull? There's no way she could be pregnant!" she hissed.

"Oh, what the hell do you know about what she can and can't be?" he spat back.

"You told me she couldn't have anymore babies," Annie reminded him. "And she doesn't look pregnant, she looks sick."

"She's not sick," he said. "And for your information she just found out a couple days ago, if it's any of your business."

"It is when my baby is also yours," Annie insisted. "Not that you'd know it on our end."

"Damn it, Annie," he said. "We been over this; don't be calling your baby 'ours' until and unless it's proven by medical science! I still don't accept this mess the way you wish I would, and I never will."

"This is your baby Harm," Annie said firmly. "And deep down you know that. I'll let you make your call."

"No, I don't know that!" he exclaimed. "And neither do you! I just don't believe that there's no chance in hell that kid belongs to someone else!"

"Believe what you want," Annie sighed. "Just remember when I'm proven right you'd have missed out on a lot of his or her life." With that she left him and headed back to the dining room.

The group made small talk for the rest of the evening Harm and Mac keeping up their charade beautifully, making Annie and Mic believe they were the picture of marital health. Meanwhile Harm was sizzling with anger at Mac and at Annie, so much so he barely ate any supper.

He looked at his watch after everyone had finished their meals, hoping it was late enough that he could say they had to leave. It was nearly 10:30; good enough for him. "I hate to be the one to break up this wonderful evening," he said. "But Mac and I should really be heading home. The kids don't always go to bed like they're supposed to when we're not the ones putting them down and tucking them in."

"That would be for the best Harm," Mac replied. "I'm not feeling too well."

With a round of falsely modest goodbyes, Harm and Mac exited the restaurant and headed for their SUV in silence, a silence both knew wouldn't last long once they were alone.

"Alright, spill it Mac," he said harshly as soon as he closed his door. "How long as he been working with you and why didn't you tell me?"

"He only came on Wednesday and after my session with Vera, it just slipped my mind," Mac replied. "Like the pregnancy test, like our meeting wit Lucy's teacher...like a lot of things."

"Well, it would have been nice to know," he said. "Instead of being sandbagged tonight, and before you say anything about it, no, I had no clue whatsoever that she'd be there. That was just an incredibly nauseating twist of fate."

"I know that," Mac replied. "You would never want the wife and the mistress in the same room. You're too smart for that," she snapped as she felt the familiar burning pain begin to rise in her back. She grimaced a bit.

"Mac, don't call her that," he said firmly. "You make it sound like it an ongoing thing, and we both know that's flat out not the case."

"Maybe not with her," she murmured softly to the window.

"What? What the hell are you...? You know what? I'm tired of this! I'm tired of this 'at each other's throats' shit! I'm sick and tired of it! I'm tired of the up and down and getting along and not getting along - I don't even know what to make of it anymore, Mac!" He looked over at her and recognized by her posture that she was crying.

She turned to face him, tears on her face and fire in her eyes, "Well I don't know what to make of my husband lying to me, cheating on me, then lying some more when I asked what was wrong. I asked you because I loved you and I wanted to you to be happy and feel safe and you lied to me. When I asked you again you lied again and again, until I caught you," she spat. Then, "Pull over!"

"Why?" he asked, "I'm not doing it so you can get out and storm away from me, if that's what you've got in mind!"

"I'm going to be sick, pull the car over!" she ordered.

He did as she asked, quickly pulling onto the shoulder of the road, immediately feeling guilty for everything he'd just said. Sure, he meant some of it, but he could have been a whole lot nicer about it if he hadn't been so frazzled by the events of the night.

Harm pulled the car over to the side of the road as Mac asked and she barely made it out of the passenger side door before she fell to her knees and became ill. If the pain she'd been hiding since the salad wasn't enough on its own, now she had to add nausea to it. It had only been like this the month before her surgery, never before or since. She could only hope and pray this was a terrible coincidence.

Harm turned off the engine and flipped the flashers on as he exited the vehicle and went over to see if she was okay. He leaned down and placed his hands on her back. "Mac, what happened?"

She couldn't answer him, not that she wanted to after the way he'd just spoken to her. She leaned forward again and emptied more of her stomach contents onto the asphalt, her body beginning to tremble with the strain.

"Here, let me help you up," he said, offering her his hand.

"I can get up on my own," she told him, not wanting to reveal her current condition to him. She didn't want him to know the agony she was suffering nor how weak she felt from the heavy bleeding and loss of food.

The wheels in Harm's mind began to turn. "I don't remember you getting this sick this early on before," he said. "I guess this means we don't need to stop and get that second pregnancy test, huh?" He had a little smile on his face as he out two and two together, or so he thought.

"No, we don't," she replied coldly. "There's no need because there's no baby."

He looked at her, dazed and confused. "What do you mean there's no baby? I thought you didn't know for sure?"

"I do now," she replied. "My cycle started during the salad course."

"Oh God, Mac," he said. "I'm sorry...I should have known."

"It's all right," she replied. "I'd like to go home now. The side of the road is hardly the place for this."

"Okay, sure," he said, reaching out to help her back into the passenger seat. "Mac, I'm sorry for everything tonight; I really am."

"Most of it wasn't your fault," she replied. "What was well...I'm sorry isn't fixing that." Once again she shrugged off his touch.

With a sigh, he closed her door and they rode most of the remainder of the way home in silence before he decided to ask her how she was doing.

"Are you hurting more than usual tonight?" he asked. "From the cycle and all that?"

"I'm fine," she answered him and continued to stare out the window. "If you don't mind, I'd like to take a second turn in the big bed tonight though."

"Of course, of course," he said. "That's fine." He wanted to offer her a back rub, but he knew she'd refuse given the message her body language was sending him.

"Thank you," she replied. "I wonder how much trouble they gave AJ."

"Hopefully, not much," said Harm as he turned into their driveway and turned the vehicle off. He looked at his wife. "Do you need any help getting inside?"

"I'm fine," she replied again, when it was only her will and her stubbornness that kept her on her feet. "Thank you for offering."

With a nod, he led them into the house through the kitchen door. He spied AJ sitting in the big recliner with a very sleepy Lucy in his lap.

"Hi, Lucy Bear," Mac greeted. "Were you a good girl, hmm?"

She snuggled closer to AJ and nodded.

"How's my little Sailor?" she asked leaning over her daughter to brush a hair back from her face.

"He's fine," answered AJ. "He threw me for a little loop earlier, though."

"Oh really?" asked Harm as he removed his necktie. "Do I even want to know?"

"Oh yeah" replied the Admiral. "He used the 'big boy potty', which I assume he doesn't do all that often yet, correct?"

"No, he sure doesn't," replied an amazed Harm. "How did this all come about?"

"Quite simple, actually," said AJ. "Knowing his fascination with the toilet, I told him if he wanted to flush it, he had to use it like a big boy, and he seemed to like that idea. Of course after he used it, he kept trying to get Lucy and I to use it so he could pull the handle again, but I distracted him with a package of fruit snacks."

"That's too funny!" laughed Harm, hoping the difficulties of his and Mac's evening weren't noticeable. "I guess he's in his bed?"

"Affirmative," said AJ. "But this young lady here said she wanted to wait for her Daddy to tuck her in."

"I'm so proud of him," Mac beamed. "We have to give him some kind of reward, start the sticker chart," she told Harm.

"Daddy," Lucy murmured sleepily and stirred.

"I'll take her" said Harm, reaching down to take Lucy into his arms. "Thanks for watching them tonight, AJ. We sure appreciate it."

"We really do," Mac echoed as she watched Harm take their daughter to her room.

Harm carried his sleepy daughter into her bedroom and took the task of getting her settled in for the night while Mac remained in the living room with AJ. He could tell she wasn't feeling well, simply because he'd known her so long and knew how to read her moods like the pages of a book.

"What's wrong, Mac?" he asked.

"I thought I was going to have a baby, but I'm not," she told him. He didn't know about Harm's "mistake" and she didn't want him to.

"Oh, Mac. I'm awful sorry to hear that," replied AJ. "Anything I can do to help?"

"There's nothing anyone can do," she answered. "Nothing is going to make it stop hurting. And to think I actually...I'm such an idiot."

"Mac," said the retired CO. "I don't have much experience with this kind of thing, but I know a lot of women think they're expecting only to find out they're not. That doesn't make you an idiot, not at all."

"But I told Mic Brumby and his date," she confessed. "I didn't even...I should have waited and now...I'm sorry, AJ. This is my problem."

AJ could sense there was more to what was bothering Mac than she was letting him know about, but far be it from him to pry into people's personal business.

"I see," he said. "Well, you know if you think of anything I can do, I'm only a phone call away."

Mac rose from the chair she'd sat in slowly, "Thank you, AJ. I'm going to go to bed. I'm not feeling very well. Please let Harm know."

With that she turned and walked towards the bedroom.

Harm returned to the living room moments later, having gotten Lucy to sleep with the first verse of "Sara Smile." He looked around the room and asked "Where's Mac?"

"She's gone to bed," he replied. "She said she wasn't feeling well but I sense there's more."

Harm nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, there is."

"I'm sorry about the baby," he apologized. "But she knew it would be hard to conceive," he shook his head. "Or is that not it? I want to help but I can't unless you level with me."

"I know," said Harm, untucking his dress shirt. "It's...it's a lot of stuff. We're having kind of a rough time lately, but we'll be okay."

"Well, I'm here anytime for anything, you know that," AJ told him. "How's Lucy, she out?"

"Yeah," said Harm. "She was exhausted."

"She loves you to pieces you know," he said. "I wish I had that with Francesca when she was little."

"Nothing quite like having a little girl is there?" said Harm, a true smile gracing his face for the first time in hours.

"No there's not," AJ smiled. "Well, I best let you see to your wife. I'll let myself out." He extended his hand and the two men said their goodnights.

Mac could hear Harm and AJ talking in the living room as she undressed for bed. The cramping and aching were worst this month than before and her bleeding was heavier, probably because she was late. All she wanted to do was lie in bed and never get back out, ever. She pulled back the covers and slipped inside wearing only her USMC training shirt and a protective pad. She laid on her side with her back to the door, neglecting her pills, her pillows, all of her therapy in favor of lying down and waiting...for what she didn't even know.

Harm turned off the lights in the living room and made sure the doors were locked before heading down the hall to check on Mac. He knew she was feeling sick and was almost surely in a lot of pain from her cycle having just begun. There was also, he suspected, a little bit of disappointment at not being pregnant, even though she knew it was a million to one against that possibility. He walked into the bedroom and found her lying on the bed in her "safe position". With a shake of his head, he went over to her.

He sat on the edge of the bed and reached out to touch her shoulder. "Mac, please let me do something for you. I know you're in pain."

"I'm not in pain, I'm just tired," she told him. "Tonight was not very pleasant for me and I'd like to try and put it behind me and go to sleep. You should do likewise."

"Did you take your pills?" he asked. "I'll get them if you want me to; I'll get the pillows, whatever you need."

"What I need is for you to go away," she told him. "Just get out of here, please."

He knew he was getting nowhere fast, so with a sad sigh, he rose from the bed and left without saying another word.

Mac lay in bed knees to her chest, trying not to cry out in pain. It hadn't been this bad in a long time, this was even worse than when she miscarried their baby. Maybe it was the emotional angst on top of physical pain, maybe her illness really was getting worse, she was not sure. The only thing she was sure of was that the lump that had formed in the throat finally was giving way to tears.

Harm lay on the guest bed, having changed into his sleep shorts and brushed his teeth. He was thinking about everything that was wrong in his life, trying to temper it with everything that was right. Somehow, the wrongs seemed to plow right over the rights, and he felt himself growing more and more depressed. As he lay in the stillness of the night, he could hear Mac in the other room, crying her broken heart out once more. He wanted to go to her, but she'd asked him to leave her alone, and he wanted to do what she needed.

It seemed to Mac the more she cried the worse her pain became, the effort to breath through the sobs making the vice that surrounded her middle clamp down even harder. She wanted her pills, but then she wanted a lot of things she couldn't have. She was a Marine, tough, she could take this, it would pass eventually. Maybe if she turned over...

Harm could hear her cries continue from down the hall, and each one made him feel worse and worse. He wanted to go to her, but he was afraid of making things worse if he did. Instead, he stayed where he was, wishing he could take away every ounce of pain in his precious wife's life.

When she rolled over to her left side, to face their bedroom door...Well, that did it. What would have been a sob turned into a moan, which became another, then another, until she'd run out of air.

He couldn't stand it any more. As he heard her crying and moaning, he had to go to her whether she wanted him there or not. He leapt off his bed and ran down the hall, not stopping until he was by her side.

"Mac, Mac baby, please talk to me," he begged.

She wanted to but she couldn't speak, it was all she could do to breathe, so with shaky hands she reached for him.

He climbed into the bed next to her and brought her close. "Do you need your pills?" he asked, knowing that for her to be crying like that, she must surely be in agony.

She nodded her head, "Ooh, God," she cried. "Oh..."

"Okay, I'll be right back," he said, brushing her hair away from her sweaty face.

He returned in record time with her bottle of pills and a cup of water. "Here you go, babe," he said. "Open your mouth for me."

It was all she could do to manage even that, but she did and allowed him to give her the pills and some water, which she only ended up choking on.

"Can you sit up any?" he asked. "Can I rub your back? Tell me what I can do, Mac." He was fighting his own tears as he saw her in so much pain.

She was breathing hard and shaking, but she managed, "Hurts."

"I know it hurts, baby," he said. "I know it does, and I want to make it stop if I can. I'm going to go get your pillows and prop your legs up, maybe that'll help some."

"No," she told him. "Please, no."

"It'll help though," he said as he held her close.

"Hurt more," she told him. "Just...hold me."

He knew she needed to be in a different position than the one she was in, but he wasn't going to fight with her over it. After all, what did he know about what that kind of pain felt like? "Okay, okay, shh..." he said as he rubbed her shoulders. "I'll hold you. I'll hold you as long as you need me to, Mac."

When Mac relaxed a bit into his embrace and was able to get her breath she spoke again. "I'm so sorry. I should have...let you help me before but...I'm so sorry."

"Its okay," he soothed. "I was a royal jerk tonight; I don't blame you for wanting me to go away."

"You were a jerk," she concurred. "But that doesn't matter now. I just need this pain to go away. I feel so sick."

"Want some ginger ale?" he asked. "A hot bath, maybe? Whatever you need, I'll get it for you."

"Ooh," she cried out again as the muscles clamped down. "Make it stop."

Taking the situation into his own hands, he reached underneath her and moved her into the middle of the bed, laying her on her back. "I'll be right back," he said, "I'm getting the heating pad and the pillows."

"No, please," she begged. "Please don't leave me alone. Please."

"I'll be back in just a minute, I promise," he said, pulling his hands out of the grasp she had on them. "Right back."

Mac lay on the bed, moving every which way to try and escape the pain not that it helped. Harm was back soon though, less than two minutes, as promised.

"Here," he said. "I'm going to put these under you like I always do." He placed a pillow beneath her legs and one underneath her hips. "Does that feel any better?" he asked as he plugged in the heating pad.

"Still hurts," she told him, trying to relax after being moved. "Pills aren't working."

"You just took them a few minutes ago," he said gently. "Give them a little time, they'll help." He paid the heating pad on her abdomen and rested his hand lightly over it. "Tell me if that gets too hot, okay?"

She let it warm up a bit and lay in silence. "You can go back to sleep. I'll be all right as soon as the pills kick in."

"I wasn't asleep," he said, sitting on the bed beside her. "And I don't want to leave you like this."

She said nothing just moaned softly and let her head loll to one side.

"It hasn't been this bad since before your surgery," he said softly.

"It's never been like this," she told him. "Won't stop."

"What won't stop?" he asked. "The pain or the bleeding? Are you bleeding more than you should be?"

"Yes," she replied, lying wouldn't help. "To both." She moaned again and attempted to shift to lie on her side.

"No, no, don't roll like that, baby," he said, reaching over to hold her in place on her back. "How much worse is it than usual? Can you give me a number?"

"It's about a 9," she replied. "I have to move. It hurts too much," she told him and started to fight his hold, uselessly for she had no strength.

"Mac, please try to stay on your back" he begged. "The pills will kick in before too much longer."

"I have to sit up," she said urgently. "I have to sit up now."

Realizing that she knew what she needed better than he did in this case, he helped her slowly move into a sitting position. "Better?"

"Trash can," she managed before clamping a hand over her mouth.

He grabbed the small trash can beside their bed and put it in front of her as she sat in the middle of their bed.

If there was anything left in her stomach Mac knew she would have been violently ill yet again. Having lost all her supper on the beltway though she simply dry heaved until she collapsed against Harm. "It's not getting better."

"I'm calling Dr. Bradley," said Harm. "This isn't right; you're hurting way too much."

"I'm so cold," she told him. "So cold."

Knowing that she was losing more blood than she should have been, combined with her terrible pain and nausea, Harm was very afraid of what could be on the horizon. He grabbed the phone off the bed side table and pressed the speed dial for the doctor's office after-hours emergency number. Visions of that horrible night on the bathroom floor began flooding his mind as he waited for someone to answer.

"Dr. Bradley's service," a tired female voice finally answered after Harm had answered the automated questions and declared this to be a medical emergency. "How can I help you?"

"Yes, my wife is experiencing severe pain, nausea and very heavy bleeding with her period and I need to find out if she needs to be seen in the ER or not," said Harm, all the while rubbing Mac's forearm in an effort to keep her calm.

"I have to ask you a few questions first," the voice replied. "Is you wife pregnant or does she have any conditions that could complicate her period?"

"She's not pregnant..." he paused and thought for a moment; maybe she was and this was another early miscarriage...but knowing the chances of that were astronomically slim, he disregarded those thoughts and continued to speak. "But she has endometriosis. She had it treated 6 months ago, and this is the first time this has happened since then."

"Okay, how long has she been in pain? How much worse is it than usual?" the girl asked. She was not trained for this; she was trained for late night labor calls not frantic husbands holding their crying wives. She could hear this one in the background and the sound made her heart break. She just followed her script so that she could in some way help this couple.

"About 2 hours," said Harm. "And it's a lot worse than usual. She said it's about a 9 on a scale of 10, both the pain and the bleeding."

"And what's her usual scale measurement?"

"Um, just a second, I'll ask her," he said. "Mac, baby," he said. "What would you say is a normal level for you on a scale from 1 to 10?"

"It can get to about a 7, but..." She had to stop and bite down on another outcry.

"Is that her, Sir?" the service operator asked.

"Yeah," he answered. "Which is why I called. She's not usually like this and I'm afraid something is really wrong."

"Okay, this is what I'd like you to do," the operator advised. "I'm going to call Dr. Bradley in the mean time I'd like you to call for an ambulance just in case. While you're waiting have her lying flat, with her legs up and try to minimize movement. Keep her as calm as you can, the doctor will call you back soon. Try and stay calm."

"Okay," replied Harm. "Thank you for your help. I'll call 911 right now, then the line will be clear for when Dr. Bradley calls."

"Harm, no," Mac pleaded. "No hospital."

"Shh...shh... we're not going to the hospital just yet," he said softly. "I'm waiting for the doctor to call me back, but in the meantime they want me to call for an ambulance in case that's what we need. I'll sit right here with you, Mac. Don't be scared, its okay, I promise."

"The babies," she whispered struggling to move. "I have to lie down again."

Finally all of the crying Mac had been doing was overheard, thankfully though not by their children. Colleen appeared in the master bedroom and climbed up on the bed, trying to nestle next to Mac, licking at her hands.

"The kids are fine," he said, helping her to lie down again as he held the phone between his shoulder and his ear. "Lucy and DJ are both sound asleep, and we won't wake them up unless we have to. Hey, Colleen, be careful, girl."

The dog gave a whine and lay next to Mac, putting her had on her legs.

"911 emergency, how may I help you?" the operator asked when Harm was connected.

"Yes, I need an ambulance; my wife is experiencing severe pain, nausea and bleeding with her period, and her OB/GYN's office said to call 911 in case she needs to be transported."

"We'll dispatch unit to your house. Can I confirm your name and address?" she asked.

"2114 Maple Tree Blvd, Manassas, VA," said Harm. "We're at the end of a dirt road, and I need to request a silent approach so my children aren't awakened, please."

"Silent approach through 911 will also dispatch a police unit," she informed him. "I'll note it. And I'm showing your name as Rabb, R-A-B-B-, Harmon, H-A-R-M-O-N."

"That's correct," he answered. "The police unit is fine, just no sirens on either, please."

"I'll log it as lights only, Sir," the operator replied just as Harm's call waiting bleeped.

"I need to go, the doctor is on the other line, ma'am," he said. "Thank you for your help."

He switched over to answer the waiting call. "Dr. Bradley?" asked Harm, very nervous but trying to hide it for Mac's sake.

Dr. Bradley sensed his anxiety. "Mr. Rabb, calm down. Tell me what's happening."

"She's in terrible pain," he said. "Bleeding a lot and she's been nauseous for the past couple of hours. An ambulance is on the way, just in case."

"I'm not sure you'll need it. Has she vomited or just had the dry heaves?" he asked.

"Both," answered Harm.

"Has she bled through her sanitary pad?" he asked.

"Let me ask," he said, moving the phone away from his mouth. "Mac, have you bled through the pad, do you know?"

"I don't know," she said. "It feels like I have to change it but...I'm too tired."

He nodded. "Probably so, doctor," he said.

"Other symptoms, chills, disorientation, or lethargy?" he asked, feeling this was going to result in an admission if they couldn't relieve some of the pain at least.

"Chills and lethargy, yes," said Harm. "She hasn't been like this since before her surgery."

"I know, I know," he sighed. "Is she lying properly?"

"Mostly," said Harm. "She's not in exactly the right position, but she's on her back with her pillows beneath her legs."

"All right, this is what I want you to do. I would like you to add some extra elevation to her legs so she's at 45 degrees, and cover her with a blanket because it sounds like she could be going into shock. Now, you said you called an ambulance?"

"Yes, sir," said Harm as he worked at repositioning her pillows.

As Harm started to manipulate Mac's leg to prop them even higher the pain if possible increased even more. She tried to plead with him to stop but any protest died in moans of pain. She resorted to physical protests and kicked at him.

"Mac, stop kicking, baby," he asked. "Dr. Bradley said this is what you need okay?"

"She fighting you?" the doctor asked. As Mac cried, "It hurts. Stop hurting me."

"Oh yeah," replied Harm. "It's okay; I know she's really hurting."

"When the ambulance arrives, let then check her bleeding then call me back on my personal line. I don't want her to move if its not necessary," he replied. "Did she take her medication?"

"She did," said Harm, "2 pills about an hour ago but she said they didn't help."

"I'm going to have to get her some stronger ones," he replied. "She said they weren't working as well at her last appointment."

Before Harm could reply her heard sirens pulling up to the house.

"They're here," said Harm, "Thanks, doc, I'll have them call you as soon as they check her out."

"Excellent," he replied. "Sarah has my home number. Call me there."

"Will do," said Harm as he hung up the phone and ran towards the front door, hoping the kids didn't hear the sirens.

Harm barely got to the door before DJ started to cry at the noisy sirens and the pounding, "Manassas PD open up!"

"Great, just what I need," he muttered to himself as he unlocked and opened the door. "Hello, officer" he said. "I requested no sirens, now my 2 year old is awake."

"Sorry, Sir. No sirens usually means trouble," the officer replied. "Where's the victim?"

"Mooomeeeee!" DJ wailed from his bed.

"She's not a victim, she's a patient," said Harm. "She's back here."

"The medics will be here shortly, Sir," the female of the duo replied. "You'll have to excuse him, it's his second day."

A moment later the medics pulled up to the door, silently as requested and the same pair that had treated Mac before reentered the house.

"Hello again," said Harm with a sigh. "She's back here, follow me."

"Mooomeee!" DJ wailed now wandering out of his bedroom into the hall.

"It's okay, son," said Harm, scooping up the boy on his way to where Mac was. He showed the crew to the master bedroom, entering first to let Mac know they were there.

"Mac, baby the paramedics are here," he said as he sat on the edge of the bed.

As soon as the older medic, who'd introduced himself again as Ray leaned over the bed, Colleen perked up, growled and showed her teeth.

"Hey, calm down, girl," said Harm. "These people are just here to help; it's okay."

Ray reached over and patted the dog, "You're a good dog, aren't you?" he asked not showing fear so Colleen settled down.

"Sir," the pretty red headed female offered. "I'll take your son. I have three kids at home."

Harm once again sat beside his wife, waiting for the medics to determine what she needed.

"Mrs. Rabb, I'm going to lift you blanket up okay?" Ray asked her. "I need to see how much you're bleeding so I can tell the doctors."

"No..." she cried. "It hurts too much to move."

"You don't have to move, Ma'am," he said. "I'll do it for you or your husband can do it, but I need to look, okay?"

"It's okay, baby," he said. "I'm right here."

The medic lifted the blanket and pushed up Mac's knees. "I'm just going to look; I'm not going to touch okay?"

Mac didn't reply, she was too worn out and in too much pain.

After a minute, "Good news, she hasn't bled through the sanitary pad," the medic announced. "Mrs. Rabb, where's the pain worst? In your back or in your belly?" He asked, gently palpating her stomach.

"Belly," she said, drawing in a sharp breath as he examined her.

"On the right, the left or in the middle," he asked. "I'm sorry; I'm going as fast as I can."

"All over," she said.

"Abdomen's distended," Ray told his partner. "Mr. Rabb, I think we have to take her in."

"Oh, her doctor, Dr. Bradley," said Harm. "Asked me to have you call him as soon as you examined her so he could decide if she needed to go in or not."

"Sure thing," he said. "Where's the phone?"

"Right here," said Harm, handing over the handset. "Here's his home number as well, he said to use it."

"Okay, let's clear out and give them some privacy," he told his partner and the second cop.

As they left, DJ's new friend entered the room with him. "He wants to kiss Daddy goodnight," she told Harm.

"Good night, little man," he said as he rose from the bed and gave the boy a kiss.

"Mommy?" he asked his little eyebrows knitted together.

"Mommy's okay," replied Harm. "She's very sleepy, just like you are. Can you go get back in your bed and go to sleep for me and mommy?"

DJ nodded, "Night night," he said and to Harm's surprise laid his head on the officers shoulder.

"Looks like you've made a new friend, officer," said Harm with a smile.

"I told you, three boys at home, Sir," she smiled. "Let's go back to bed," she said to DJ carrying to all ready dozing child back to his room.

"Harm? Harm?" Mac murmured from the bed.

"I'm here," he said, returning to her side. "What is it?"

"Harm?" she asked again.

"Mac, I'm right here, baby," he said, taking her hand in his.

"Can I have my legs down?" she asked. "This hurts so bad."

"Sure, okay," he said, gently lowering her legs and rearranging the pillows beneath her.

"Hey, no, no," he said, reaching out to stop her motion. "You have to stay on your back."

"I don't want to," she told him. "It hurts too much. Leave me alone."

Again knowing that she was in more pain than he could imagine, he backed away and let her lay however she felt was most comfortable.

The medics came back in then, "Mr. Rabb, her doctor said she can't lie like that," he told him. "He also said if she doesn't want to go not to force her and he'll stop by in the morning."

"You tell her she has to move then, " said Harm. "She's not listening to me."

"Mrs. Rabb," Ray said gently. "You have to stay on your back. Please roll back over to your back."

Mac ignored the medic's gentle prodding and stayed in her curled position.

He tried again, "You have to roll over, Ma'am," he told her. "I'm going to help you, okay?"

Lacking the strength to fight him, she conceded.

"Now, do you want to go the ER?" he asked. "Or wait until morning?"

"I'm not going anywhere," she said, her voice proving how exhausted she was. "Can you fix the pain?"

"No," he said sadly. "I can't. But you can take some Tylenol to boost your pain killer and maybe your husband can help. Sometime if you rub her stomach down low, the spasms will stop."

Harm nodded. "I'll try that if she wants me to," he said. "Aside from that and the pills, should I just keep her still and comfortable?"

"Can I see you outside?" the medic asked in a hushed voice.

With another nod, Harm stepped into the hallway, followed by the medic.

"He authorized us to give her a shot of Demerol, but I need you to sign this waiver," he told him.

"Okay," said Harm, taking it into his hands and reading it carefully.

It was simple form, stating that if he accepted this recommended treatment the medics administering it were not liable for any adverse outcomes. With a flourish of a pen he signed his name.

"There you go," he said, handing the form and pen back to the medic. "Will this shot help her much?"

"It will take the edge off and probably knock her out," he replied. "It could relieve the pain all together. Of course once it wears off the pain will return," he sighed.

"That's how it always goes," said Harm. "Go ahead and give it to her though, any help is better than none at all."

"Mrs. Rabb," the medic spoke to her softly. "Let me have your arm. This is going to help."

"Wh...What is it?" she asked.

"Medicine for the pain," he replied. "Your doctor said it was all right to give you until he can see you tomorrow."

"'Kay..." she said, holding her arm out towards him.

He swabbed her arm with alcohol, "Just a little prick," he told her as he inserted the syringe into her muscle and administered the medication. "There you go."

"Thank you," she said softly.

"No problem," he sighed. "You try and rest." Then to Harm, "If you need us back, call the regular line and ask for bus 4. If we're not on a job, we'll come right out to you" He said this as he gathered his kit and his partner so they could depart, the police having all ready done so.

"Will do," said Harm as he showed the men to the door. "Thanks for all your help, guys."

"We're sorry we had to come out, but glad we could help," Ray replied. "Take care, Sir."

With that, they were gone and for the first time in hours, their house was deadly silent.

Harm locked the front door and turned out the living room lights for the second time that evening before returning to the master bedroom to check on his wife. She was lying on her back, as the medics had left her, shivering and crying just a bit. He sat down beside her and brushed her hair off her still sweaty face. "You feel any better?" he asked.

"I feel heavy," she replied, her speech slurring from the drugs. "Cold."

He pulled another blanket up over her. "It's okay. The medicine will really help you feel better, and in the morning the doctor will come by and check on you."

"Come by?" she asked confused. "I have work, I can't..."

"You're not going to work, sweetie," he said softly. "I'll take care of all that; you just worry about getting better. Dr. Bradley is stopping by before he makes his rounds in the morning."

"But there's budget meeting and I told Mic..." She shifted and made a softer moan.

"Don't worry about any of that," he said again. "Just try to get some sleep, okay? I'll be right down the hall if you need anything."

"No," she said weakly, her voice fading as she lost the battle with the drugs and the pain.

"You don't need anything right now?" he asked.

"No," she said again. "No. No." She knew what she wanted to say, but couldn't get her brain to make her mouth form the right words.

"No what, babe? What is it?" he asked, trying to think back over what he'd just said to her. "No, you don't want to go to sleep?"

"No," she said again trying to force herself to get the right words out before she slipped into oblivion. "Tired."

"Okay then," he said. "Go ahead and sleep; don't fight it. I'm going to go try and do the same, but if you need me just call my name."

As Harm rose from the bed Mac did just that, "Harm!" she said with more strength than she thought she had in her at the moment. When he turned she reached out her hand.

"What, baby? What's wrong?" he asked as he took a hold of her hand.

She mumbled something, the only word he heard was, "Alone."

It hit him; she didn't want to be alone. "You want me to stay in here with you? Is that it?"

"Stay," she echoed. "Here. Right here." She touched the side of the bed to illustrate her point.

"Are you sure, Mac?" he asked softly.

She nodded just once, her eyelids starting to close. "Stay," she said again.

"Okay," he whispered, caressing her hand with his thumb. He went around to his side of the bed and carefully slid beneath the covers next to her. "Is this okay? Do you have enough room?"

She nestled closer in answer, then all movement ceased and her grip relaxed as she was taken to the blissful realm of sleep.


	22. Chapter 22

Standard Disclaimers Apply.

A/N: Once again I ask that you all stick with me as we go on this roller coaster ride together. Keep an open mind and I will see it through to the end.

Thank to all who are reviewing and reading. And thanks and big hugs to Snugglebug for her assistance, support, and talent. Hugs to you!

I will update again when I receive at least seven reviews or one week. Whichever is first.

At a little past seven the next morning, Lucy woke up and listened for her parents. She heard nothing coming from the kitchen. They had been out really late, so maybe they were sleeping. She got out of bed and made her way to the lighthouse room to see if her Mommy or Daddy were in there.

She found the bed messy but no one was there. Maybe Daddy had gone to run. Dragging her Pooh she rubbed her eyes and worked her way to the Master bedroom surprised yet elated to see both of her parents sleeping there through the opened door. She went inside and went over to Harm's side of the bed, poking him lightly in the side.

"Daddy?" she whispered and continued to poke him.

Harm opened his eyes and blinked a couple times before realizing who was standing there. "Hi, Lucy Bear," he said. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yes, but I had a funny dream," she told him. "Why are you in here? Can I come in?"

Not wishing to divulge the details of the previous evening, he chose instead to get out of bed and take his daughter into the kitchen to make breakfast.

"Want to come help Daddy make pancakes?" he asked, offering his hand to the little girl.

"Is Mommy coming too?" she asked. Lucy knew her mother never slept late. "It's all ready 0728."

"No, Mommy's sleeping in this morning, Button," Harm replied.

"Why?" Lucy asked her voice getting tight. "Is she sick again?"

"Her belly is hurting her right now," said Harm as he quietly dug out the big bowl to mix the pancake batter in. "But she'll be okay, we don't have to be scared."

"Then why are you scared?" Lucy asked him as she worked on climbing into a kitchen chair.

He should have known better than to think their daughter - the creation of two of the most observant legal minds ever to set foot in a courtroom - wouldn't pick up on his scared he was for Mac.

"I'm not scared," he said, "I'm a little worried, that's all. Do you want blueberries in your pancakes?"

"No," she said a little bit pouty as tears formed in her eyes. "Daddy?" she asked her little voice husky with emotions beyond her five years.

"Hmm?" he replied as he measured out the ingredients for breakfast.

"Is Mommy going to die?" she asked him.

He immediately stopped what he was doing and went over to the little girl. Taking her into his arms, he spoke to her in as reassuring a tone as he'd ever done in her life. "No, Sweetie. Mommy is not going to die. She's not feeling good right now, but the doctor will give her some more medicine and in a couple days, she'll be a lot better. Okay?"

"But she's sick all the time like my friend's Daddy and he died," Lucy said remembering making cards for that child.

"There's all different kinds of sick, baby," he explained. "Some people get sick with very bad things, like your friend's Daddy. He had something that the doctors couldn't make better no matter what they did. But Mommy, she's got something that the doctors can make better. Just because she doesn't feel good, sweetie, that doesn't mean she's going to die. I promise." He pulled his little girl into a tight hug, as much for his sake and hers.

"Can I ask Mommy if she wants breakfast?" Lucy asked. She needed to see her mother awake.

"Let's go see if she's awake," he said, carrying Lucy down the hall.

When Harm and Lucy got to the bedroom Mac had not moved an inch, she was still sleeping peacefully looking pale against the sheets.

"Why don't we make her some pancakes anyway?" he whispered to Lucy. "So when she wakes up, we can bring them in here to her? Does that sound good?"

Lucy looked at him as if she was uncertain whether she should believe him or not and started to squirm to get down.

He bent over and placed her feet on the ground. "Where you going, sweetie?" he asked.

"I want Mommy up now," she told him. "It's 0739 and she's gotta get up now," Lucy insisted.

Realizing that Lucy needed to see her mother's eyes open and hear her voice, Harm allowed her to go over to the bed and awaken Mac. She needed to wake up in time to shower before the doctor arrived anyway, but he felt bad for not letting her sleep as long as she was able.

Lucy's little hand brushed Mac and she whispered loudly, "Mommy, wake up and have pancakes."

Mac heard something in her blissful state of peace but she didn't want to leave the protective painless darkness when she knew what she would face when she awoke so she ignored it.

Lucy looked at Harm with big eyes confused. Mac always woke up quickly when Lucy tried.

"Try again, Button," he said. "Mommy was really tired last night, so she's sleeping really hard."

Lucy poked Mac this time, the method she had to use to wake Harm. "Mommy?" she said in her normal voice.

Mac heard the plaintive tone of her daughter's voice on a more instinctual than conscious level. She shifted a bit in bed and opened her eyes, "Lucy? What time is it? Harm?" she looked to the spot next to her and frowned when she found it empty.

"It's okay, Mac," he said walking to the bed and kneeling down to her eye level. "Lucy wanted to wake you up for breakfast. How you feeling?"

Mac wanted to tell him the truth, but her baby girl was right there and didn't need to hear it. "Fine," she replied. "I'm still kind of tired."

"Do you want blueberries in your pancakes, Mommy?" Lucy asked. "It's 0741 and you were sleeping really long."

"I'm sorry, Baby," Mac smiled at her. "Why don't you go and let Colleen out. Mommy'll get up in a minute."

Satisfied that her mother was fine, Lucy scampered off and Mac let her smile fade and allowed her head to loll on the pillow. "Kill me now," she moaned.

"That bad, huh?" he asked, reaching out for her hand. They'd been on the biggest emotional roller coaster of their entire relationship as of late, but something like this had a way of forcing them both to forget about their issues for awhile. Mac had gone from needing to sleep alone to needing Harm right beside her in a matter of a single evening, and even though they both knew that wouldn't last, it was familiar and comforting.

"Remember when I was in labor with DJ?" Mac asked.

"Oh babe, please tell me you're not hurting that badly," he begged, remembering the nightmarish pain she endured with their son's birth. Thirty-six very long, hard hours with no drugs. He was sure there were less painful forms of POW torture than what his wife had gone through during that delivery.

"Worse," she replied. "And that's with whatever that very sweet medic gave me last night."

"God, Mac," he said. "How are you not screaming and crying? You must be in agony!"

"Lucy's awake," she replied. "Something is really wrong, Harm. Really wrong."

He felt his heart drop to his feet. She wasn't saying anything he didn't already know, but he hated hearing it. This was the last thing they needed right now, on top of everything else; they didn't need her incapacitated. His mind couldn't keep from wandering to thoughts about their decision to try for one more beautiful baby together. What was wrong with her now, and what would it mean as far as another pregnancy went? He held her hand tight and in a moment that mirrored so many in their past, he brought it to his lips for a kiss.

"I have to call Mic," she sighed. "And I have to take a shower before the doctor's appointment. I don't think I can even make it there, but I have to try..." She was rambling and starting to try and sit up.

"Mac, baby its Saturday," he said. "You don't need to call Mic, or anyone for that matter, and you don't have to go anywhere. Dr. Bradley is making a house call, remember?" Doctors who made house calls was a thing of the past for 99 percent of patients in the country, but Mac had been fortunate to find one of the few doctors who would make the occasional house call when warranted.

"I know its Saturday," she said. "We have to meet about the budget. I told you last night."

"Oh...okay," he said. "I didn't realize that; I thought you'd just forgotten what day it was in all this mess. Do you want me to bring you the phone before you shower?"

She flinched in pain again just then before telling him, "You call."

As much as he didn't want to, he knew she wouldn't be asking him to make the call unless she really couldn't handle it herself. "Sure" he said. "Where's the number?"

"It's 202-555-0771," she told him. "Tell him anything you want, I don't even care. And call Harriet to see if she can pick up Lucy later."

"Okay," he said, dialing the number she'd just rattled off. "I assume I'm keeping DJ for the day?"

"Yeah," Mac replied. "He won't understand any of this. I'm going to try and make it to the bathroom while you talk to Mic."

Harm nodded as he heard that all-too-familiar voice on the other end of the line.

"Brumby," Mic greeted answering the phone.

"Mic, its Harm," he said. "Listen, Mac's not going to make the budget meeting this morning. She's really sick."

"I'm so sorry," Mic replied. "It's not the baby is it?"

Not feeling the least bit like getting into that with Mic, Harm lied...sort of. "Something along those lines," he said. "She'll be okay, but for now she's pretty much stuck in bed. I'll let you know if she'll be out Monday as well; we don't know about that yet."

"Give her my best, will you?" Mic asked. "I'll stop by later and check on her."

"That's really not necessary," said Harm. "She'll be asleep most of the day. I'll let her know you're concerned, though."

"If I'm in the neighborhood I might anyway," Mic insisted. "If she's sleeping we can shoot the breeze, eh? And I want to meet your wee ones."

He knew he couldn't keep Mic from stopping by if he was intent on doing so. "Okay, sure," said Harm. "I need to go; she might need me to get her something and Lucy is alone in the kitchen. I'll talk to you later, Mic."

"Bye for now, Mate," Mic replied.

Lucy heard her Daddy finished on the phone and went to him. "Daddy, were there doctors here last night?"

"No, sweetheart," he said. "They weren't doctors; they were paramedics. They're the ones who drive the ambulances and go to people's houses when they don't feel good, remember, we've talked about them before?"

"Did they come to fix Mommy?" she asked him. Then, "Why can't you fix her? Is it because you made her sad?"

"No," Harm replied. "It's because Mommy has a boo boo that only her doctor can fix," Harm replied.

"Why were you sleeping with Mommy last night? Is she not mad anymore?" Lucy asked.

Before Harm could answer they were joined by DJ, "Daddy pee pee now."

"Well, come on, buddy," he said as he led the boy to the big bathroom. "Let's hurry!"

"Daddy, you didn't answer me," Lucy insisted following Harm and DJ to the bathroom.

"I'm sorry," he said as he helped DJ get his pajama bottoms and Pull-Up off. "I slept with Mommy last night because her belly hurt and I didn't want to be in the lighthouse room if she needed me to get her anything, like some water or some of her pills."

That answer satisfied Lucy. "I'm going to go watch TV, okay?"

"Okay," he said, realizing they never made those pancakes they were working on. "I'll come out in a few minutes and get you a bowl of cereal."

"What about the pancakes?" Lucy asked him.

"I'll make them after awhile, if you're still hungry after your cereal, okay?" He needed to get the kids squared away so he could go check on Mac, knowing better than to allow either of them in where she was without knowing everything was safe for them to see.

"That's okay," Lucy said. "Mommy's sick today. We can make them on tomorrow."

He smiled, proud that his little girl was putting her mother's needs ahead of her own. "Okay, Button," he said. "Tomorrow it is. Can you take your brother out there with you, please?"

Lucy reached for DJ's hand, "Come on, let's go watch cartoons."

Harm was on his way back to Mac when their phone rang.

He grabbed it on the second ring. "Rabb residence."

"Mr. Rabb, this is Mrs. Connors, Lucy's teacher," the woman said.

"Yes, hello," said Harm. "What can I do for you this morning, ma'am?"

"You and your wife were scheduled to have a meeting with me yesterday, and you neglected to show up for that. I was wondering if there was a problem," Mrs. Connors said.

"I'm terribly sorry about that," said Harm. "My wife wasn't feeling well and we inadvertently let the meeting slip our minds. Is it something we can discuss over the phone?"

"I'd prefer not to discuss this without the presence of both you and your wife, as well as that of Dr. Crimmins our school psychologist," she replied. "Would Monday be convenient?"

Harm thought for a moment. "I can't say how my wife will be feeling on Monday. Can we make it Tuesday instead?"

"I'd like it to be sooner rather than later," she replied. "That's why I'm calling you from home. I'm afraid your wife's illness is having a profound effect on Lucy, and its something we all need to discuss and be concerned about. Tuesday at 9?"

"Tuesday at 9, that should work" said Harm. "Thank you for calling, and again I apologize for missing our previous appointment."

"That's fine," she told him. "Just don't miss the next one." With that she hung up.

Harm hung up the phone and pondered, for a moment, what could be so important that the teacher was going to such great lengths to meet with them. He figured it had something to do with the situation at home and the changes that had taken place in Lucy's life lately, but that was just a guess. He was lost in through when he remembered he needed to check in on Mac. He walked to the door of the master bathroom and knocked gently. "Mac? You okay in there?"

"Yeah," she called. "I showered."

"You don't sound good" he said, concerned and worried. "Do you need my help with anything?"

"Yeah," she replied. "I need help getting back to bed," she admitted having taxed her strength in the shower.

He opened the door and found her sitting on the edge of the tub, pale and weak. "Come on" he said, reaching out to her. "Can you walk or should I carry you?"

"I think I can walk," she said taking his hand, but her knees buckled as soon as she shifted her weight onto her feet.

Without asking, Harm leaned down and scooped her up. She couldn't walk 2 steps, let alone 15 feet back to the bed. He laid her down carefully and placed her pillows in the proper positions. "How's that?" he asked.

She nodded to exhausted to try to speak, then let her eyes close.

With Mac settled for the time being, Harm headed for the kitchen to get the kids their cereal.

As he poured them their Cheerios the door bell rang.

"I'll get it!" Lucy called and ran to the door. "Who is it?"

"It's Mommy's doctor," said Harm as he walked behind the child.

Harm opened the door to reveal Dr. Bradley bag in hand, dressed in a Harvard sweat suit. "Good morning, Mr. Rabb. Is this Lucy?" he asked gesturing to the child.

"Yes, sir, it sure is," he said. "She no doubt looks different than the last time you saw her, huh?"

"She sure does," he smiled and followed Harm as he moved into the house. He knelt down near the child, "The last time I saw you, you were a tiny newborn baby," he told Lucy.

"I don't remember seeing you," she said.

"You wouldn't," he smiled. "When a baby is very small it cannot see very well," he explained. "And you were very small, you fit right here," he bent his arm at the elbow to show her.

"Oh," said Lucy. "Are you here to fix my Mommy's belly?" she asked.

"I'm going to try, Lucy," he replied and rose from his kneeling position. "How is she?"

"She's fine," said Harm, the expression on his face telling the doctor that she wasn't fine, but he didn't want the kids to know that. "Follow me, doctor; she's back here." He turned to Lucy. "Please stay out here with DJ and watch your cartoons, okay?"

"Okay," Lucy replied. "Doctor man, please fix my Mommy."

"I'll do everything I can, Sweetie," he replied then followed Harm back to the bedroom stopping outside to ask his question again. "How is she really?"

"Terrible," said Harm. "Come see for yourself."

"Any improvement at all?" he asked. "I don't want to scare her but I want your assessment of her condition first."

Harm sighed. "I've never seen her this bad. She said this morning she's in more pain than she was in with her labor with DJ, taking a shower totally wiped her out, and as of last night she said the bleeding was really bad, I'm not sure about this morning."

"Okay, that's all in line with what I suspect," he sighed. "Is she awake?"

"Maybe," said Harm, opening the bedroom door and showing the doctor in. "Mac, are you awake? The doctor is here."

Mac struggled to open her eyes at the sound of her husband's voice. "I'm awake," she sighed. "Hi, Dr. Bradley. It was nice of you to come out."

"Don't worry about it, I still owe you from two visits ago," he smiled. "I would have sued me." He sat down beside her. "How do you feel?"

"Like I've been dragged behind a tank," she replied groggily. "It's so bad this time."

"I need more, Sarah," he said. "Use the pain scale, 1-10."

"9 point 9," she said. "I'm...miserable."

"Okay," he replied. "Worse or better from last night?"

"Depends on when you ask me," she said. "Right now...a little worse."

Harm moved closer to her then and took her hand in his, lifting it to kiss the knuckles.

"And where is it the worst? Back, abdomen?" he asked.

"Abdomen," she said. "If I didn't know better, I'd swear I was in labor all over again."

"Is it usually in your abdomen?" he asked her. "Harm, can you get me a thermometer?"

At the doctor's request Harm went to get the thermometer.

"No," she said, taking a deep breath. "It's usually worse in my back, but not this time. What does...is that...bad?"

"I'm going to find out," he told her. "May I?" he gestured to her blankets.

Mac nodded, looking over to her husband for reassurance.

He had returned to her side with their oral thermometer in his hand. "Its all right," he whispered then handed the instrument to the doctor.

He in turn gave it to Mac, "Under your tongue."

They waited until the digital thermometer beeped before the doctor continued, "99.4," he sighed.

"Okay, Sarah, I'm going to poke around a bit. I know you're in a lot of pain, but try and distinguish for me the different degrees," he told her. "Ready?"

"No, but go ahead," she said, feeling her heart begin to beat faster as the nerves crept up.

Harm held Mac's hand and his breath, waiting for the agony he knew was coming.

Dr. Bradley began to palpate her stomach, moving slightly, starting at the left and moving vertically, the horizontally, waiting for Mac to tell him what pained her more or less.

"Ow! Ow!" she said. "There, that hurt!"

"More when I press or more when I let go?" he asked, repeated the action near the lower middle of her abdomen.

"Press," she said, clinging to her husband's hand.

"Okay," he noted that. "I'm not going to do an internal exam today, but I'd like to lift your shirt so I may view your abdomen."

"Hang in there, Marine," Harm encouraged. "You're doing good."

"I'm trying," she said on the verge of tears. "Go ahead, doctor."

The doctor lifted her shirt and looked at her stomach, noting it was bloated and swollen. "Okay, I've seen enough. As soon as possible I'd like to see you in the office for an internal exam. Then we're probably looking at laparoscopy," he told her. "For now, I'm going to increase the dosage on your pain medication and order bed rest until the bleeding subsides. I also recommend trying to take a warm bath, wear a bathing suit if you are worried about the bleeding." He rose and closed his bag. He smiled softly, "Get some rest, Sarah." Then motioned to Harm that he wanted to speak to him.

Harm followed the doctor out of the room. "Yes?"

"As you know endometriosis causes a fair amount of internal bleeding, and I suspect she's experiencing an increase in the amount of bleeding which is causing her abdomen to swell, consequently causing her pain," the doctor explained. "This could just be a really hard month if she's been over tired or stressed or it could signify a spread of the disease beyond reproductive tissues."

Harm ran his fingers anxiously through his hair. "Well, she has been extremely stressed lately. Ever since the miscarriage, thing have been...well, they've been rough. Hopefully this is just a particularly nasty cycle and she won't need any more surgery anytime soon."

"Oh, she'll need surgery, just from the progression I noticed during her last exam," Dr. Bradley informed him. "But hopefully we can hold off until after the holidays. I'm concerned over one other point."

"Go ahead," said Harm, holding his breath, bracing for the unknown.

"Sarah has presented an overwhelming desire to try and get pregnant again," he told him. "Where are you on that knowing what I've told you about the dangers of that in her condition?"

"I'm...I'm torn, honestly," answered Harm. "We both want another baby very badly, and we're both aware of the complications and risks her condition throws into the equation. I was completely against it at first, but she and I have talked about it, and...I believe we're going to give it a try and hope for the best. She said she'd spoken with you about it at her last appointment, is that right?"

"She did, but as she was alone I wanted to make sure you were together on it and that you understand what's involved. She mentioned fertility pills, and I agreed that is a viable first option," he explained just as DJ started to cry.

"That's what she told me," said Harm. "Thank you for being so concerned about this, doctor, we appreciate that. I should go check on the kids, if you'd like to come with me I'll show you to the door."

The doctor followed Harm to the living room where Harm saw DJ sitting on the floor crying, Lucy yelling at him, "That's not your toy!"

"Hey, hey, what happened here?" asked Harm, kneeling down to speak with his children.

"DJ took Pooh and now he's ripped," Lucy said tearing up. "He's my Pooh that you and Mommy got me, not his." DJ continued to cry.

"Well, its okay, Luce," he said. "Daddy can fix the rip, and Pooh will be good as new." He turned to his son. "Come here, DJ."

DJ went willingly into his father's arms as Lucy started to sob, "But he's not his," she insisted. "And he's not gonna get fixed, he'll be all broken and I won't have him anymore."

"No, he won't, baby," Harm comforted. "I'll fix him and you won't even be able to see the rip, I promise. DJ, it wasn't nice of you t take your sister's bear. Can you give her a hug and tell her you're sorry?"

Mac heard the commotion in her living room and knew Harm would need help. She gingerly got out of bed and willed herself to make it out to the living room.

DJ just screamed louder and refused to go near Lucy. He nestled next to his father and said, "Ow. Ow."

"What's going on out here?" Mac insisted moving over to the scene in the parlor, hands going to her hips; her Marine stance.

"We're having a little property dispute," said Harm. "It's okay; I've got it under control. Go back to bed, honey."

"I think I'm going to rest here a bit," she said. "Why is his hand red?"

Harm took DJ's hand into his and looked at it. Turning to his daughter, "Did you pinch him?"

"No," Lucy replied and shook her head for emphasis.

Remembering that he had to be very specific with Lucy, he rephrased his question. "Did you do anything to him that hurt his hand?"

"Yes," she replied. "I slapped him."

"Lucy!" Mac exclaimed in total surprise moving slowly to sit down on the couch.

"That was uncalled for and not very nice at all, young lady," said Harm in a loving yet firm tone. "I want you to go sit on your bed for awhile and think about what you did."

"Why!" Lucy shouted at him. "He took my toy but he didn't get punished."

"He's only two years old," said Harm. "You're five years old; you know better the difference between right and wrong. I'll talk with him, but I want you to go sit on your bed for now."

"I don't want to sit on my bed!" she shouted while her mother struggled just to breathe. That is the only thing that kept her from assisting in the discipline. Stubbornly Lucy dropped to the floor.

"Okay, that's enough," said Harm calmly. "Let's go, come on." He picked the child up and carried her, kicking and screaming to bed bedroom, where he placed her on the bed and pulled the door closed behind him as he left.

DJ had in the mean time crawled up on the couch and sat neck to his mother, patting her leg, as if she knew she was hurting.

Harm came from Lucy's room and dropped on the couch. "What brought that on?" Mac asked him kissing her baby boy's red hand.

"He took her Pooh and somehow it ended up getting ripped a little" he said. "Typical sibling stuff I guess."

"I mean that last episode with you," Mac sighed. "She's never disobeyed you like that before." She leaned her head back on the edge of the couch.

"No, she hasn't" he agreed. "I think the...stress she's lived in lately is affecting her. I didn't tell you that her teacher called earlier. We've got that meeting that we missed yesterday rescheduled for Tuesday at 9. Something's going on with her, Mac, and it's probably all our faults...all my fault I mean."

"Not just yours," Mac sighed. "This has to be affecting her," she touched her stomach. "What did the doctor tell you?"

"Oh, uh, he just wanted to make sure I understood the situation as far as trying again goes," said Harm as he looked at the tiny rip next to Pooh Bear's ear. "I told him I did."

"That's probably never going to happen now," she sighed. "I'm getting worse. I know that."

"You might be," he said. "But the doctor didn't say anything about not being able to try again, assuming he can get everything figured out and cleaned up. Try not to get too discouraged, Mac. There's still hope." He meant that in more ways than one.

"Yeah," she sighed. "What are we going to do with Miss Lucy?" She was still screaming and crying in her room.

"Let her calm down a little," he said. "Then I'll go talk to her. Maybe on Tuesday we can get a better idea of what to do to help her through this mess with us."

"Don't spank her, Harm," Mac said softly, still holding DJ who was going to sleep in her embrace.

"Why on earth would I spank her?" he asked. "We've never spanked her."

"When I did that...that's when my father..." She sighed. "I'm sorry I think the Demerol is going to my head."

"Must be," he agreed, thankful that she didn't actually think he would spank their daughter. "Do you want anything to eat? You need to take your pills, don't you?"

"You need to fill the script for the new ones," she said. "And I need to go back a lie down. I just thought you needed some back up out here."

"I could've managed," he said. "But thanks, I appreciate all the effort it took for you to come out here. Want some help getting back there?"

"I don't think I could make it again if I tried," she sighed. "I'm hurting worse."

"I'll carry you," he said. "Let me move DJ and I'll take you back there."

"Thank you for taking care of me," she said. "Considering how things are I...didn't...We're miles apart aren't we?"

The pained look on his face said it all. Even though she'd needed him through this and he was there for her, in reality there was still an ocean of pain between them. "Yeah. We sure are."

"We have therapy Monday night and...I had homework? Did you?" she asked as he lifted her.

"Mm-hmm," he said. "What was yours?"

"List of the best and worse memories I have from our marriage," she replied. "You? Oh," she gasped as he shifted her a bit.

"Sorry," he said. "Mine was to list at least ten good things I remember from our relationship, from the beginning till the present."

"It's going to be a very interesting session," she sighed as he gently lay her down. "Can you...never mind?"

"What?" he asked.

"No, forget it," Mac blushed and leaned back.

"Say it," he requested softly. "What do you need? I'll get it, just name it."

"I...I just wanted a kiss," she sighed. "Just a small one."

He was surprised, but excited that she wanted him to touch her like that. "Then a small kiss is what you'll get" he said, leaning in and planting a very gentle kiss on her lips. "Okay?" he smiled.

With a weak hand she reached up to touch his face, "Okay," she replied. Then gave in to her exhaustion again and dropped off to sleep.

After getting Mac settled comfortably and tossing a blanket over a very sleepy DJ as he lay on the floor beside the couch, Harm went in to talk to Lucy. He hadn't intended to leave her in her room for the nearly 20 minutes that had passed since he took her in there and left her howling, but in taking care of Mac the time had gotten away from him. He opened her door and peeked inside to find the child sitting on her bed, staring down at the floor, pouting. He walked in and sat on the floor in front of her. "Can Daddy talk with you, Lucy?"

She looked at him, lips in a full pout, but refused to answer.

"I'm sorry that you're so sad right now," said Harm tenderly. "But it wasn't nice of you to slap your brother, no matter what he did. You know that; you're a smart girl."

She shrugged her shoulders and crossed her arms. "I'm not talking to you," she told him.

"Okay," he said, rising from the floor. "When you're ready to talk, you can come out to the kitchen." He headed for the door, knowing that his daughter was so much like her mother that sometimes he needed to let her come to him; let her be the one to decide when they'd talk.

As Lucy watched Harm leave her alone in her room again, she felt herself wanting to cry again. She wanted her Daddy to say he was sorry for making her go to her room, but he didn't. Before he made it out all the way she said, "I'll talk now."

Harm turned around and sat back down on the floor in front of the bed. "Okay," he said. "Can you tell me why you slapped your brother?"

"He took my Pooh Bear. He knows he's mine and he took him and messed him up," Lucy told Harm. Her blue eyes were shining with unshed tears.

Harm reached out and took hold of the little girl's hand. "He shouldn't have taken Pooh. That wasn't nice of him, but he's at the age where he's still learning what is right and what is wrong. You're bigger than he is, and you already know a lot more about that than he does. When he makes a mistake like that, you need to tell him that it's wrong to take things that don't belong to us without asking. It's never okay to hit him, though, Button."

She started to cry then, "I know that Daddy. I just wanted to. I was so mad."

Harm wondered if perhaps some of Lucy's anger wasn't stemming from what DJ had done, but what was going on between himself and Mac, a possibility which made him feel terrible. "What have we talked about before, about what to do when we get really mad at someone?" he asked her.

"To use my words," she replied. "But...I've got words I don't know."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I got some mad right here," she told him and pointed to her chest. "But I don't know words for it." Tears of frustration and confusion started to trickle out of her eyes.

That admission from his child confirmed Harm's fear; her problems were rooted in the tension she was surrounded by day in and day out now. Feeling even worse than he did moments before, he pulled Lucy into his arms and hugged her tight. "I'm so sorry for that," he said. "Daddy knows what it feels like to be mad or to be sad about something and not know the words to use. It's not a nice feeling, is it?"

"No," she said and burrowed closer. "I'm sorry I was a bad girl today, Daddy. Please don't make me go sleep in the other room."

Her plea broke his heart. He knew exactly where it came from; where she got the notion in her head that when someone makes you mad, you send them to sleep in another room. He couldn't get into the intricacies of all the ways a husband and wife relationship differed from a parent and child one, so instead he focused on just trying to make his baby girl feel better. "Oh, Button," he said. "You don't have to go sleep in the other room. I know you think that because Mommy made me do that, that you'll have to now but you won't. You can stay in here and sleep, I promise."

"I don't want you to sleep in there either. I want it to be like it was," she cried into his shoulder her whole little body shaking with the force of her sobs.

He held her tight and swallowed hard. "Me too, baby. Me too."

Lucy cried some more until she felt herself calming down. "Can I come out now and say I'm sorry to DJ?" she asked.

"You sure can," said Harm softly. "I'm sorry I had to make you come in here, Luce, but you needed to think about what you did, and I know you did that and I'm very proud of you."

Before they left to bedroom Lucy leaned over and placed a kiss on Harm's cheek. "I love you Daddy."

"I love you too, Lucy Bear," he told her and smiled.

Lucy went out to the living room and gave DJ who had since woken up hugs and kisses. Harm made their lunch and put a video on for them periodically checking on Mac who slept on in the bedroom, albeit fitfully. He'd just cleaned up from lunch and was sitting down to do some work when there was a harsh knock at the door.

"I'll get it, Daddy," Lucy declared and scampered to the door. "Who is it?" she called as she'd been taught.

"Its Mic," the accented voice replied.

"Do I know a Mic?" Lucy asked Harm.

"You don't remember him," sighed Harm. "But yes, you know him. Go ahead and let him in."

Lucy fiddled with the door knob and opened the big door. "Hello," she said to the tall dark haired man there.

"Well, hello, cutie," Mic smiled. "Are you Lucy?"

"Yes," she told him. "Daddy!"

Harm entered the living room just as Lucy called for him. "Hello, Mic," he said. "What brings you here?" He knew full good and well why Brumby was there, but he felt like asking anyway.

"Well, I wanted to bring by the minutes of the meeting for Sarah and to see how she was getting on," he replied. "May I?" he asked as he stepped in.

"Mac's sleeping right now," said Harm as he closed the door behind the visitor. "If you'd like to wait for a little bit and see if she wakes up, that's okay." He really didn't want this man in his house, let alone hanging around to chat with his sick wife, but he didn't feel like causing a big scene by making him leave.

"I can do that," Mic replied. "Is that...he's you Harm," Mic replied referring to DJ. "And she's Mac except for the eyes.

Harm smiled. "Yeah, we hear that a lot; guess it must be true."

Mic sat down on the sofa and watched the kids play with blocks, "What's wrong with Sarah, Mate?" Mic asked.

"I'm not sure exactly," said Harm. "She's just really out of it and her stomach is bothering her pretty badly. She'll be fine in a few days."

"Is there anything I should watch for at the office?" Mic asked, genuinely concerned.

Harm was torn between wanting to believe that Mic was truly interested in helping versus being wary of his offer to keep a close eye on Mac. "Not really," he answered. "When she's not feeling well, she usually hides it to the point that no one has any clue anything is wrong. If she ever gets sick at the office and it's anything serious, you'll know. Can I get you a drink? Coffee? Water?"

Mic was about to say, "Beer," when they heard a thud from the bedroom and Colleen's loud bark.

Harm immediately dropped his pen and ran back to the bedroom. "Mac?" he called as he ran. "Mac?"

Mic was not far behind Harm as he ran to the bedroom. When Harm opened the door, both men found Mac lying face down on the carpet, trying to get to her knees. She didn't answer Harm but froze with arm across her belly and cried out in pain.

"What's wrong with her?" Mic asked Harm moving to kneel beside Mac just as Harm was doing. Thankfully, Colleen intercepted and growled at him whenever he tried to move closer to Mac.

"It's nothing I can't handle," said Harm as he reached out to his wife. "Could you go keep an eye on the kids, please? I don't want them coming back here right now." He never thought he'd see the day when he'd be asking Mic Brumby to watch his children, but desperate times...

"Sure thing, Mate," Mic replied and went to the living room, Colleen following him as he left the bedroom.

"What happened, baby?" Harm asked Mac as he reached his arm around her to help her move.

"I had to go to the bathroom," she replied. "But my legs just went out and...Ohh," she moaned. "It hurts...so...bad."

"Want me to take you in there?" he asked, nodding towards the bathroom.

"Yes, please," she replied. "I need my medication. Did you fill the prescription?"

"Oh, damn, no, I sure didn't" he said apologetically as he scooped her up in his arms. "I can go do it now, though, as soon as I get you back in that bed."

"What about the kids?" she asked him. "I can't care for them like this," she said miserably

"I'll take them with me," he said. "Or...nah, I'll take them with me; it's not a problem."

"Or what?" she asked as he lowered her down and steadied her so she could use the bathroom.

"Well, Mic's here," said Harm. "He wanted to see how you were doing and I think he brought you something from the meeting this morning. I could see if he could keep an eye on them for a half hour."

"DJ won't stay with him and Lucy..." Mac sighed. "Damn this hurts now too."

"I'm sorry, baby," he said. "I wish none of this hurt, I really do. I'll take the kids with me; do you want to talk to Mic at all or should I ask him to call later tonight?"

"I'll see him in a bit," she sighed. "Did he see...?"

"Yeah, he followed me in," said Harm. "But I sent him out to watch the kids. He doesn't know what's wrong, but I think he suspects it's a 'pregnancy complication'." His tone and demeanor changed noticeably as those words left his lips, thinking back to the charade from the evening before.

"I'll have to tell him the truth," she sighed. "I can't believe I said those things, I just...Oh, God. Harm!" She reached out for his hand as another cramp wrapped around her back.

"Here, squeeze as hard as you can," he said. "The pain will be over in a minute, Mac." He's said those very words to her countless times throughout both of her labors, only this time they didn't accompany the excitement of a new baby on the way.

She held onto his hand, "I hate being so helpless. I'm a Marine...I should be able to handle it. I traipsed through the woods with you shot for God's sake and I can't take this. I'm...done," she said and started to the struggle of standing up.

He wondered if, at that point in time, he felt more helpless than she did. He was supposed to protect her and keep her safe, and this was another reminder of how against her endometriosis, they were both defenseless. Times like these were when the doubts he had about putting off the hysterectomy crept to the front of his mind. It'd be so nice to know she'd never have this kind of pain again, but he knew the pain she'd feel at giving up the chance of being pregnant again was even worse than this.

"Harm," Mac broke into his thoughts. "I'm going to need help."

"Okay," he said with a nod, once again scooping her into his arms. He looked into her eyes and saw how much she was suffering and aside from getting her meds, there wasn't anything he could do.

"You're helping me Harm," she told him. "Don't look at me like that."

"Sorry," he said as he laid her down gently on the bed. "I'll take the kids and we'll run to the pharmacy. I'll tell Mic to give you a few minutes and then he can come say hi."

As Harm was covering her with the blankets, he realized she hadn't eaten a bite yet that day. "Hey," he said. "Before I go, I'm making you some toast. You haven't had anything to eat all day."

"I'm not hungry, Harm," Mac said. "Anyway, it probably won't stay down."

"You'll have to eat something to take the pills with," he said. "If you nibble a little now, then when you eat with the pills it might stand a better chance of staying down. Just some toast, okay?"

"One slice," she said all ready feeling weaker from her trip to the bathroom.

"Agreed," he said softly. "I'll go fix it real fast, and then I'll go get your meds."

Harm walked out of the bedroom to see Mic sitting in his chair with Lucy and DJ on either knee both quiet and engrossed in a book. Harm was amazed at how well they sat with him; even Colleen had relaxed and lay chewing on her chew toy near her blanket.

The kids didn't even look up when he went to the kitchen and started making Mac's toast.

He was partially thankful for that, even though a tiny part of his heart hurt that another man could so easily tend to his children. Still their silence made it easier for him to get Mac her sustenance.

He placed her toast on a napkin, spread a tiny bit of butter on it and carried it back to the bedroom. "Here you go, Mac," he said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

She opened her eyes, "Just leave it," she told him.

"Okay, but you need to eat some of it while I'm gone," he said. "We'll be back as soon as we can." He looked at her lying there, so broken and in such pain, and it was all he could do not to lean down and kiss her. He knew better, though. He knew he'd lost the right to touch her without her permission when he made that terrible decision in Mexico, not to mention the decision to keep it from her for as long as he did.

"I will," she promised him. "Just hurry please. I can feel it building and I don't want Mic to see," she confessed.

"I understand," he said as he hurried out of the bedroom and down the hall. The kids were still enthralled with the story Mic was reading to them when Harm reached the living room. "Hey, guys," he said. "I need you to go get your shoes on. We have to go to the store for Mommy."

"Are we buying shoes?" Lucy asked knowing her mother loved shoes. DJ wiggled off Mic's lap and toddled to get his shoes by the door and brought them to his Dad.

"No, we're not buying shoes," he said as he helped his son get his sneakers on the correct feet. "We need to go get some medicine for Mommy so she can feel better."

"Can we get her a surprise?" Lucy asked as she fastened the Velcro on her sneakers.

"Sure we can," answered Harm as he helped DJ stand up. "What do you think she'd like?"

"Um...chocolates from us and flowers from you," Lucy pronounced.

Mic spoke just then, "Should I keep Sarah company or take my leave?"

"You can stay for a bit if you'd like to," said Harm as he put his checkbook in his jacket pocket. "Give her a few minutes to get settled and then you can go back there. I'll be back in no more than an hour, I hope."

"Sure," Mic replied. "Leave it to me. I'll make sure she's all right, Mate."

Somehow, that didn't make Harm feel entirely comfortable, but he was more focused on getting to the pharmacy and back as soon as possible. "Thanks," he said as he ushered the children out the door.

Mic waited exactly five minutes before he slowly walked to the bedroom where Mac was. He lightly wrapped on the door.

"Oh, hi," said Mac as she opened her eyes and realized who had come calling. "Come in. Sorry I'm not much of a hostess today."

"No matter," Mic smiled and moved to sit beside her on the bed, pausing to ask permission first. "May I?"

Mac nodded and tried to move over a bit. "Ow! Damn it..."

Mic started, "Sarah, are you all right? What's wrong? What can I do?" He was panicked to hear her cry out like that.

"I'm okay," she gasped out. "Just...moved wrong is all."

"Can I get you something?" he asked, reaching out to touch her arm lightly to provide her comfort.

She shook her head as the pain held on. "No, Harm went to get my meds."

"But you shouldn't take medicine with the baby," he told her. "At least that's what they doctors told my sister."

She'd momentarily forgotten about that little issue, but she knew she had to come clean with him. "I'm...there's no baby, Mic. I'm not pregnant."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Was it a miscarriage? Is that what's got you in the bed?" he asked wanting to provide her comfort if he could.

"No..." she sighed weakly. "I wasn't pregnant this time around. We thought maybe...but..."

"What's wrong then?" he asked. "Its not..." He trailed off thinking the worst given her pallor and the pain, added to the pinched look her face took on.

"It's nothing fatal, Mic," she said, sensing his mind was going in the wrong direction. "It's just one of those 'woman things'."

"Tell me," he prodded. He wanted to know what was going on with her, even just as a friend. She was devoted to her husband, he knew that.

"I don't think you want to know," she said wearily.

"Yes, Sarah," he told her. "I do." He picked up her toast and gave it to her. "I think you should eat this. You're looking thin."

She reached out slowly and took the toast, brought it to her lips and took a little bite. "I've got endometriosis," she said. "Ever heard of it?"

"No," he replied. "Never."

She swallowed the bite of toast in her mouth and took another small one. "It basically means my 'female organs' are damaged and scarred, and that causes me a lot of pain sometimes, like now."

"I'm sorry," he sighed. "You collapsed before...was that?"

She offered a little nod. "Pain, yeah."

Mic shook his head. "How do you...is it all the time or...how come I've never noticed it at work?"

"I hide it when I can," she said, taking another little nibble of toast. "I had surgery to treat it about 6 months ago, and it was better for awhile. In the last 6 weeks or so, it's gotten progressively worse. This is the worst it's been since the surgery."

"Who takes care of you?" he asked stupidly not seeing Harm as being on to do that unless he was the only one who could.

She looked at him, slightly unsure of where the question was coming from. "Harm takes care of me," she said matter-of-factly. "He does a wonderful job of it, too."

"Does he?" Mic queried. "I'd never considered him the type."

Mac's expression changed as she tried to understand where these ideas originated. "Why do you say that?"

"Well, you have to admit it, Sarah; Harm cares about Harm, if you know what I mean. I mean no disrespect but...I was the one who drove you to the hospital that time with little Lucy while he was flying on a carrier," Mic reminded her.

"Mic, he was on assignment when that happened," she said, finding herself a bit surprised at how she was willing to defend Harm for something she'd thrown in his face only days before. "It comes with being in the service; sometimes you have to be away from home when things happen to your family. You deal with it, that's just how it goes."

"I'm sorry if I overstepped," Mic sighed. "Do you want something to drink or should we just go over the numbers from this mornings meeting?"

"Could you get me some white grape juice, please?" she asked him. "Just a small glass."

"Certainly," Mic replied and left to get her what she needed.

Mic quickly found the juice and poured it into a small glass. He carried it back to her and moved to set it down next to her when he noticed that her eyes were closed in sleep. He leaned down and placed the juice on the night table before he turned and let himself out.


	23. Chapter 23

All Disclaimers Apply.

A/N: Things are about to deteriorate between Harm and Mac. It will get worse before it gets better. I once again ask you to keep an open mind and stick with me. Repeat this like a mantra, "She's a shipper!"

Chapter 23

"I can't believe you're still holding that against me!" he exclaimed as they left Bethesda on Monday afternoon, following a joint therapy session. They'd gone over their lists of good and bad things they each remembered throughout their relationship, and one thing Mac had on hers sent Harm off the deep end. He was on edge in general, the problems they were having with Lucy weren't helping anything, and he just learned that his wife still begrudged him for not telling her about his laser ablation operation until several weeks after-the-fact. He knew should have told her, but he didn't want to say anything until he knew if it had been a success or not, a fact she still held against him. "It was years ago, Mac - let it go!" He knew she wasn't feeling 100 percent yet, but he was pissed and he needed to speak his mind.

"Let it go!" she snapped. "I can't let it go when my husband was in DC lying to me, having surgery while I was in California watching my father die." She got into the car with a huff and slammed the door.

He got into the driver's seat and slammed his door as well. "I've told you a hundred times, Mac, I didn't tell anyone about it until I found out if it worked or not! It wasn't just you!"

"I'm not everyone!" she retorted. "I'm your wife and still that was more important than coming to California with me?"

"I hopped a plane first thing the next morning and I was right there with you from the moment I got to the hospice until we got home and even after that!" he said, feeling he should lower his tone of voice but not yet finding the ability to do so. "I'm sorry you felt left out of that decision, but it was my choice to have the surgery and my choice to tell people about it when and how I wanted to!"

"We should have made it together," she argued. "You should have consulted me. How do you think I felt when I found out?"

He pondered her question for a moment, beginning to calm down a little. "Probably...pretty surprised; left out...mad..."

"Try hurt, Commander," she bit out. "Hurt and stupid, just like now."

With an exasperated sigh, he continued. "You don't need to feel stupid, Mac. I didn't tell you about the operation right away, that was my doing, not yours."

"I should have known, that's all," she sighed. "I should have know that flying was more important, that you would do something like that...that there was a hidden reason that you didn't come to Fresno with me directly," she replied. "I don't wan to talk about this anymore. I'm tired and would like to go home and lie down."

"Okay," he said. He was quiet for several minutes before attempting to start another conversation. "When is your next appointment with Dr. Bradley?"

"Next Tuesday," she replied. "Why are you going?"

"If it's okay with you," he said, his tone a complete 180 from before. "I'd like to."

"I'll see," she replied. They were back to cold tones again, a huge switch from the weekend. "I wonder if Lucy behaved for AJ?"

"She always does," said Harm. "He loves spending time with her, both the kids actually."

"She always behaved for us too," Mac replied. "Last night she shouted at you, kicked me...I don't know what to do with her."

"We need to work on us," he said. "That's no doubt what's at the root of her acting out; all the tension she's surrounded with right now."

"Well I don't really see that getting better in the foreseeable future so maybe we can ask her teacher at tomorrow's meeting. Maybe she can help," Mac suggested.

He nodded. "I hope so. I hope there's something we can do while we're working through this mess. Neither of the kids should have to deal with any of this, and we need to keep their lives as normal as we can."

"Can you get their dinner tonight?" she asked.

"Yeah, sure," he answered. "Do we have anything at home, or should I stop at the store?"

"I think we have a couple of burgers and some Caesar salad mix," she replied.

"That'll work," he said. "What are you and I having, do you know?"

"Whatever you want, I'm not hungry," Mac told him. She hadn't been hungry all weekend; in fact she's only eaten maybe a cup of soup and a sandwich total, at least the stayed in. "I'm too upset with you right now to eat with you."

"Well, you don't have to eat with me, Mac," he said "But you do need to eat." He knew he couldn't force her to eat, or do anything else for that matter, but he loved her too much to not be worried when she went too long without food.

"If I'm hungry later, I'll eat. Right now I want to lie down," she said. "Alone."

He knew this was her way of telling him she wanted the bedroom back, and that he'd once again be spending the night in the guest room. "Okay," he said, not looking forward to that lumpy mattress but knowing without any doubt that he deserved to be on it.

They rode in tense silence the rest of the way home. Mac got out of the car first but waited for Harm so that they could keep up appearances for the Admiral. They walked into the house together, Harm opening the door for her and called out, "We're home!"

"Ah, perfect timing," said AJ. "They were just asking me what they could have for dinner."

"Hey, AJ," Mac greeted. "Where are they?"

"Playing in DJ's room," he replied. "Something about a pirate ship I think, I don't know."

"Legos," Mac sighed. "Harm, I'm going to lie down. Feed them, would you?" With that she dropped her purse and headed to the bedroom.

AJ looked after Mac baffled, "Okay, what's this about?"

Harm slipped his jacket off and laid it across the back of the couch. "We're, uh, we're still having some problems, AJ" he said.

"What sort of problems, Harm?" AJ asked in a father like tone. "Lucy is acting oddly, DJ is fussy, Mac looks like the walking dead and you...you've aged ten years. Talk to me, Son."

With a pained sigh, Harm spoke. "It's...'marital stuff'. I did...well...I did something that upset her and we're trying to work through it. It's...hard."

AJ sighed, "Whatever it is...you better work through it. You're daughter...well she...I don't want to tell on her she's apparently having a rough time but..."

"Oh boy," said Harm. "What now?"

"Well, I told her she had to do her homework first before she could play...She told me she didn't have to listen to me, I wasn't her Daddy and went I tried to sit her down to help her he threw a fit. I've never seen anything like it."

"I'm sorry," said Harm. "She's been having a hard time lately, this mess between Mac and I isn't good for the kids. We're meeting with her teacher on Tuesday morning, hopefully we can come up with something to help her."

"I told her I was going to tell you," AJ sighed. "You're going to need to..."

"I know, I know," said Harm in a frustrated sigh. "A lot of things need taken care of right now, Lucy's situation being right beside ours at the top of the list. I'll talk with her, but she's been really withdrawn when it comes to talking with me lately. I think she's...no, I know she's mad at me."

"Well...make up with her," AJ advised. "Make up with them both. As always, if you need me..." He told him as he headed to the door.

"Thanks, AJ," said Harm as he opened the door to let the man out. "We appreciate it."

"No, Harm," AJ replied. "I do." With that he was gone.

When DJ and Lucy heard the door close they came out of the bedroom. DJ had tears in his eyes when he saw Harm alone and Lucy looked downright scared.

"Hey, guys," said Harm walking towards his children and kneeling down to their eye level. "What's wrong?"

"Mommy?" DJ asked looking for Mac. Lucy remained silent.

"Mommy's taking a nap," said Harm, taking his son into his arms. "You guys want to help me fix some dinner? Lucy, you can shake up the salad dressing, okay?"

"I don't want to," she said and flopped down on the floor. "You do it."

"DJ see Mommy," the little boy requested after his sister's revolution.

Harm took a deep breath. "Okay," he said. "We'll go say hi to Mommy really quick, and then we have to leave her alone so she can rest, and we'll fix dinner." He stood up with DJ still in his arms leaving Lucy alone in her pout.

Harm carried the tot to the master bedroom door and knocked. "What?" Mac asked from inside.

"DJ wants to see you for just a minute," replied Harm.

"Okay," Mac replied and sat up legs over the edge of the bed.

Harm opened the door and carried their son in with him. "See," he told the boy. "Mommy was just taking a nap. Wanna give her a hug?"

The little boy nodded and wiggled to get down. "Down," he commanded his father as Mac smiled. "Come to Mommy, Sweetie."

"He was wondering where you were," said Harm, sensing that Mac wasn't feeling sick, she was feeling hurt and upset.

Mac felt a terrible pain just then, one of guilt. How could she have...She hadn't even went to hug her children. She took DJ from Harm and hugged him tight. "You hungry Sailor?" she asked the child and the man.

"I know I am," said Harm, feeling a little ray of hope that the evening might not be completely lost after all. "You ready for some dinner, DJ?" he asked.

The little one nodded, "Lucy too?" he asked his parents.

"Yeah, Lucy's hungry, too," answered Harm. "What should we eat?"

"Let's go out," Mac declared. "Let's go to Reds."

Harm looked at her, eyes wide with surprise. "Uh, okay," he said with a smile. "DJ, go tell Lucy to put her shoes on, okay pal?"

"Kay," the toddler replied and went to get his shoes and tell his sister to get ready.

"I'm glad you want to eat together," said Harm. "Think we can talk later, after they go to bed?"

"Maybe," Mac replied. "How's Lucy?" she asked as she rose to brush her hair and get ready to go.

"Same as usual anymore," he said. "AJ said she threw a fit over doing her homework. She's having a tough time with all this."

"Let me try with her today okay?" Mac asked. Harm always took over with Lucy, but this time Mac was going to handle it.

"Okay, sure," he agreed. "She doesn't really talk to me right now, but maybe she'll talk to you."

Mac sighed and put her shoes back on as she headed for their bedroom door. She knew she'd and Harm would have to talk and she knew that it would be painful and long and everything she hated. She smiled though as she saw Lucy helping DJ with his shoes, "Ready to go Lucy Bear?"

"Yeah," replied the child with more enthusiasm than they'd seen from her in awhile. "Can I have some root beer there?"

"Yes, only one though," Mac replied. "The sodas are big."

"Okay," said the little girl, grabbing Harm's hand. "Let's go, Daddy!"

"Coming, Button," he smiled.

Together the family left the house and for awhile the pain behind them. They went to the popular family eatery often in happier times, and somehow being there and seeing the familiar surroundings helped a bit.

The waitress had just brought their drinks when Harm felt his cell phone vibrate. Removing it from his pocket, he glanced at the screen and answered it with a smile. "Hello, Grams."

"How are you Harmon?" Grams asked. She had not spoken to Harm since he'd been out to see her. She wanted to let him tend to things with his family, but now she wanted to see his family. It was nearing Veterans weekend and Harm had promised they would all come and visit. "How's Sarah and the children?"

"Everyone is good," he said, taking a sip of his Diet Coke. "How about yourself? Still feeling up for a visit?"

"That's why I'm calling. I miss you all, I want to see my great grandbabies," she told him as Mac looked on.

"Well, I know they want to see you, too," he said. "Should we plan to come up that Friday afternoon and stay through Monday, like usual?"

"Please do," Grams replied. "How did that thing go?" She was dying to ask.

He didn't dare tell her it hadn't gone well at all, not over the phone while his family was right there. "Pretty well," he said. "We're all out having dinner right now, really enjoying ourselves." He knew she'd catch on to his inability to talk about that particular issue just then.

"Can't talk about it now, I see," Grams replied. "Yes or no answers okay?"

"Yeah, that sounds good," he answered.

"You still living at home?" she asked, that was the most important.

"Mm-hmm, yeah," he said, hoping he was disguising the conversation enough that Mac wouldn't catch on.

"That's good isn't it?" she asked. "Did you tell the kids?"

"No, I sure didn't," he said, taking another sip of his soda.

"Good, good," Grams sighed. "I'll leave it for now. Sarah, you and I can talk about it when you come up. How's her health?" she asked.

"It's better," he said. "We're all looking forward to coming to see you, it's been too long."

"It sure has. Well, I'll let you get back to your dinner. I'll see you Friday," she said cheerfully.

"Okay, we love you," he said.

"I love you too," Grams replied. "Kiss the kids and Sarah. See you soon."

"I will. Goodnight, Grams," he said as he ended the call and returned the phone to his pocket. "She's excited about us going to see her on Friday," he said to Mac and the kids.

Mac's face fell when Harm mentioned the trip. That was the last thing she'd be able to tolerate, but for the children's sake she said, "Yeah, me too. What about you Lucy?"

"Uh-huh!" she exclaimed. "We'll get to have suckers!" Grams always had a bag of suckers on hand for when the little ones came to visit, and from an early age, that became the highlight of every trip to Belleville.

"Will you share with Mommy, Lucy?" Mac asked Lucy flashing a bright smile.

"Yeah," replied the little girl. "You can have the red ones, those are the best."

Mac smiled at her daughter, "Lucy, can Mommy and Daddy ask you something?"

"Uh-huh," she answered, taking a big drink of her root beer.

"Here, son," said Harm as he reached over to pick up DJ's cup. "Let Daddy hold it while you take a drink."

"Sweetie, are you angry or upset at Mommy or Daddy?" Mac asked as she watched Harm expertly tend to DJ.

Without missing a beat, Lucy answered. "Yes. I'm mad that Daddy hurt your feelings and mad that he can't sleep in the big bed every night." It went much deeper than that, but Lucy was too young to realize it.

"Lucy, Mommy and Daddy explained that to you. Was there something you didn't understand?" Mac asked, knowing that this would be hard for her daughter. It was hard for her and she was an adult.

"No," said the child, playing with the crayons the waitress had given her to draw on her placemat. "I want you to both say 'sorry' and both sleep in the big bed every night." To her, the answer was easy. To her parents, it was anything but.

"Lucy, baby," said Harm. "Remember, I told you that Mommy and I are going to a special doctor to help us make everything better?"

"Yes," Lucy replied continuing to color.

"Well," he said. "The doctor is helping us, but we're not all better yet. We will be, though, okay?" He looked at Mac, trying to gauge her feelings about his idea that they'd be okay.

"Lucy...if you are upset at Mommy or Daddy for something," Mac said. "Do you remember what we told you about that? What we told you to do?"

"To talk to you," answered Lucy, still not looking up from her placemat.

"Why didn't you?" Mac asked. "Lucy, look at Mommy while she's talking to you okay?"

The child slowly looked up at her mother. "I don't want to talk when you and Daddy are sad," she said.

Mac didn't know how to respond to that, she looked at Harm, eyes pleading for his assistance.

Before he had a chance to say anything, the waitress arrived with a huge tray of food.

"That looks good, doesn't it?" he asked DJ as the waitress placed a plate of chicken nuggets and fries in front of the child.

"Yummy!" DJ shouted and reached for a steaming hot French fry.

"Ooh, careful, careful," said Harm, reaching over to spread out the food and break some of it into smaller pieces to cool. "You want ketchup for your fries, buddy?"

"Mussard," DJ replied.

Harm laughed a bit and reached for the bottle of mustard at the end of the table. "You're a funny boy," he said as he squeezed a small puddle onto DJ's plate. "There you go," he said. "Eat up."

Mac laughed at his request, "He eats like I do," she smiled. "Here Lucy, let Mommy cut your burger."

It took them about ten minutes to get the children situated and eating their dinner. Then Mac brought them back into the conversation. "Lucy...Can we finish talking while you eat?"

"I don't wanna talk, Mommy," she said, taking a bite of her cheeseburger. "It makes me sad."

"Lucy, do you know what makes a Mommy very sad, any Mommy?" Mac asked.

The little girl shook her head and reached for her soda.

"Knowing that one of her babies is sad about something," Mac answered. "Mommy can't make it better if you don't tell me what's wrong. And Mommy and Daddy love you very much, Sweetie."

"We sure do," said Harm, swallowing a bite of his seafood salad. "When you're sad, you should come tell us."

"I know talking makes you sad, Honey," Mac empathized. "Sometimes Mommy gets sad while she and Daddy talk, but you have to talk to us Honey. Come on," Mac encouraged.

"We're not going to be mad at you."

"I don't want to!" exclaimed the girl as she sat her burger back on her plate and began to cry frustrated tears.

Harm and Mac looked at each other, both feeling badly for upsetting Lucy again. "Lucy Bear," said Harm, placing his fork on the edge of his plate and sliding closer to her.

"Come here; come sit with me for a minute."

Still crying, Lucy slid over and climbed into her Daddy's lap, laying her head against his shoulder.

"Shh," he said, his arms around the little girl. "You don't need to be sad right now, okay? You can talk about it later, at home if you want to."

"I don't want to," she cried. "I just want you to sleep in the big bed."

He looked across the table at Mac, his eyes asking the loaded question she was afraid was coming. With a sigh and a nod, she answered him.

"Lucy," continued Harm after he was sure of Mac's reply, "Daddy will go to sleep in the big bed tonight. Will that make you feel better?"

"Uh-huh," answered Lucy with a sniffle. "Can I go eat my food now?"

Mac smiled at the turn around. As much as she needed her space, she also needed her daughter to feel safe and happy, that had to come before any of her own wants. "Sure you can, Baby," Mac replied. "Make sure its cool."

The rest of the meal passed uneventfully, Mac barely ate her dinner, she more moved it around on the plate. She did however eat ice cream with Lucy, so Harm was satisfied she wouldn't faint on him.

DJ was sleeping by the time they got home, but Lucy was wide awake. She was still on edge after dinner and was having a hard time falling asleep.

Mac helped Lucy get into her jammies and read her two stories, but still Lucy refused to go to sleep. Finally Mac knew it was time for the big guns, "Harm!"

"Yeah!" he called back from the living room.

"Can you come in here please?" she asked. "How about if Daddy sings you a song?" Mac suggested to the little girl.

"Okay," said the child as a yawn came over her.

Harm came down the hall and entered Lucy's room. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Someone having a hard time falling asleep?"

"Lucy would like you to sing to her," Mac told him.

He smiled, he loved singing to his little girl. "I can do that," he said softly, sitting down on the edge of Lucy's bed. "You want me to sing your song, Button?"

Lucy nodded and leaned her head against Mac's chest as Harm began to softly sing.

Mac stroked her daughter's hair and listened to her husband sing. She closed her eyes as she listened to the words he'd sung to her when Lucy was still a hope to be realized and fondly remembered a happier time.

_It was __two am__ and Mac was tossing in bed. The baby was pressing against her sciatic nerve and if that wasn't bad enough, it was kicking up a storm. Harm was tired, he'd been sick with the flu and was still recovering. She tried to be still and not disturb him, but finally her tossing and groaning woke him._

_"You okay?" he asked groggily as he rolled over to face her._

_"Yeah," she replied. "I just can't get comfortable." She shifted again._

_"Baby lying in a bad place again?" he asked, "or do you need a snack or a back rub or something?"_

_"I need to have this baby and get it over with," Mac sighed. "He's got his nights and days mixed up."_

_"Oh, so it's a 'he' now, is it?" asked Harm with a little smile. He was home on a weeks leave and had unfortunately spent 5 days of it sick. "Think 'he' would like a little lullaby?" _

_Before she could answer the baby kicked her hard, causing her back to flare up, "Oh!"_

_"What?" he asked in concern. "What's wrong? What can I do?"_

_"Nothing," Mac replied. "She just kicked me really hard."_

_"Now it's a 'she"?" he asked, relieved that nothing was wrong. "Well, why don't you come over here next to me, and I'll sing our child - be it a he or a she - that lullaby."_

_"Can you rub my belly while you're at it?" she asked him._

_"Of course" he answered softly, moving the covers out of the way so she could snuggle in close. When she was right beside him, he placed his right hand on her round belly, rubbing gently as he began to sing._

It was Harm's gentle touch on her arm, though not his belly that brought her out of her memory. She jumped at the touch.

"Sorry," he said, "didn't mean to make you jump. She's out."

"Thank you," Mac replied as she slipped off Lucy's bed. "I was just thinking."

"I could tell" he said as they walked quietly out the door. "What were you thinking about?"

"The first time you sang that to her," Mac sighed. "That was so precious to me. All those memories..."

He smiled a little as he remembered that special night. "Yeah" he said. "We've got...got a lot of memories." He stopped in front of the master bedroom, looking at her before he walked in. "Mac, about this" he said softly. "It's only for Lucy, otherwise I'd give you your space."

"I know," Mac replied. "It's best for her. Did the water bill come?" she asked as she began to change.

"I don't know," he said. "I didn't check the mail. I'll go get it now."

"Okay," Mac replied. "It's late that's why I asked."

"I'll go see," he said, heading from the bedroom to the living room. He opened the front door and reached into the mail box, retrieving a fist full of mail. After closing and locking the door, he returned to the bedroom.

"Let's see," he said, flipping through the pile. "Junk...junk...something from a new grocery store opening down the road...What's this?" he asked rhetorically as he came to an envelope in the middle of the pile.

Harm read the Navy issue letter carefully, his face falling as he read the words on the page. "What is it?" Mac asked concerned at his expression.

"My Hornet quals," he said. "They're due. What lovely timing." He tossed the letter onto the bed.

"When?" she asked.

"Now," he answered. "As of 0001 Friday, they'll be expired."

"Well, at least you won't miss your grandmother's place," Mac said. "I'm sorry, Harm."

"How did I forget about these?" he asked himself out loud, as if there was any question. "Well, I guess I'll be gone for a couple days this week."

"That's okay," Mac replied. "It'll only be a short time. Just be careful okay?" she asked sliding into bed.

"Always am," he said, heading into the master bathroom to get ready for bed.

Mac lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. She wanted her space tonight after their therapy session but their children's needs out weighed her own. She only hoped he wouldn't want to talk about it. She'd just calmed down again and the pain of it would cause her to morph into a witch all over again.

Harm turned the bathroom light off and went to join Mac in bed, something he hadn't done in weeks. He slid into his usual place and pulled the covers up to his waist, and with a long sigh he began the conversation Mac was dreading. "I'm not really feeling any better about 'us', are you?"

"No," she replied. "If anything...Harm, I'm really not in the mood for having this conversation tonight. I'm not feeling well."

He turned to face her side of the bed. "I'm not buying that tonight, Mac. I can tell when you're really not feeling well and when you're just trying to avoid a conversation with me, and this is clearly the latter. Please, we need to talk. Commander McCool said that was one area of our relationship that is seriously lacking, and it's more important now than ever that we learn to talk things through."

"Why?" Mac asked. "Why now? What's that going to change?" She crossed her arms over her chest and held his gaze.

"A lot," he answered. "Mac, we'll never make it through this if we can't learn to talk to each other. Not talking is what got us here - if I'd talked to you about what I was feeling, maybe I wouldn't have ended up so depressed and wouldn't have made such a stupid mistake."

Mac sighed, "Fine, Commander. You win. What do you think we should talk about?" her tone was cynical, sarcastic even.

"I need you to be honest with me," he said. "And tell me, realistically, where your heart is telling you this will all end up. Do you feel like we've really got a chance, that we'll have to fight for it but its there, or do you feel like we'll be a million miles apart forever?"

Mac sighed, "I don't know Harm. When we left that office tonight, I honestly wanted to go to Bud or Sturgis and ask them to file a divorce petition. Then in the restaurant with you, even sitting her close to you, I think we can make it. I'm so damned confused..." She sighed. "Maybe going to Grams' farm will help."

"I hope it will," he said softly. "This is the first time you've actually used the word 'divorce' in all this, well, directly to me anyway. I've known all along it's a possibility, but God, Mac; I don't want that to be where we end up. What would be an acceptable outcome to you - what could I do to settle this mess to the point we can put it behind us and focus on the future?"

Mac thought a minute..."Maybe...make me understand. Try and tell me where you were when it happened. You've said you were depressed and hurting but...you said if we'd talked then maybe this wouldn't have happened. Well tell me what you'd say Harm, what would you say?"

"You mean what would I say now," he asked. "Or what would I have said before?"

"Before," Mac replied. "What you would have said then? Tell me."

He took a deep breath. "I suppose I would have told you that I felt awful about your diagnosis, and even worse that you didn't tell me the whole story for two months after you found out. I would have said that I wanted you to come to me with your pain instead of hiding it away and keeping it from me. You were hurting so much and I couldn't be there for you because you wouldn't let me, and that really hurt."

"I...I was just so afraid," Mac confessed. "I was so afraid that..." Her voice started to choke up and a tear fell. "You see that's why I don't want talk about this."

He began to reach out to touch her hand, then hesitated. He wasn't sure, but seeing her in such pain, he couldn't help himself, and he went ahead and gently laid his hand over hers. "We have to talk about this," he said softly. "There's no sense in keeping anything hidden any longer - I mean, we're in therapy, sooner or later everything is bound to come out, and I know I'll feel a lot better about some of those things if they come out here, just between the two of us, than with the Commander sitting there listening to us go back and forth."

Mac pulled her hand back. "Tell me how much it hurt Harm. What did it feel like?" She asked as her jaw began to quiver. "Huh?"

"It felt like hell," he said, his heart falling at her recoil. "To know that you'd carried that pain, that secret around for two months and not allowed me to be any part of it; it nearly killed me when you finally let me in on it, Mac. It hurt to know that when something that big befell you, something that involved both of us; you chose to keep me on the outside."

"Well I guess you know how I feel then," Mac replied. "At least I didn't betray you."

"But you did, Mac," he said. "You betrayed me by not allowing me to do my job as your husband, by keeping me out of the loop. There are lots of ways to betray someone."

"Fine, so what if I'd said Harm I have this horrible disease and I need an operation oh and by the way I can't have any more babies...what would you do with that? Probably the same thing you did," she accused. "I don't believe that you did what you did because I didn't tell you, I think you would have done it anyway, the timing is just a convenient excuse."

"Are you saying I would've done what I did in Mexico regardless of anything else in my life?" he asked, hoping it was just Mac's anger and pain talking and not her heart.

"No", Mac shot. "I'm saying you did it because I can't...I'm saying that you did it because of my illness and whether or not I let you in you would have done it anyway. I didn't let you in, that gives you an excuse, but I doubt it made a very big difference."

"You think it was all about sex?" he asked, his defenses going up in record time. "You can look me in the eye right now and honestly tell me that you think I did what I did in Mexico because I hadn't gotten any in a few months? Mac, that's just crazy!"

"Well, I guess I really need that shrink then," she hissed. "Because that's exactly what I think!"

"I don't believe this!" he said, tossing the covers off of himself and jumping out of the bed. "I missed being with you like that, sure, I'll admit that, but despite what you seem to think, I can go way longer than a few months without sex before the thought of getting it from anyone but you would even begin to creep into my mind, which by the way if that ever did happen, I'd push it right back out! I'm responsible for what I let happen in Mexico, I accept that 100 percent, but I don't want you thinking it was just about sex 'cause it wasn't!"

"Then what the Hell was it really about?" Mac shouted at him. "All I've heard is you were depressed, you were drunk, all excuses. If you really wanted to you could have stopped yourself anytime...depressed or not you could have, but bottom line Harm, you didn't."

"Jesus, Mac!" he exclaimed, closing their bedroom door in hopes the kids would remain asleep. "I've said it a hundred times, I was so wasted by that point, and all I remember are foggy bits and pieces! Obviously my body knew what it was doing that night, but my brain and every ounce of deductive logic I possessed were drowning in tequila! Had I been able to think, not only could I have stopped, I never, ever would have started in the first place! There's a reason they say drinking too much can lower a persons inhibitions - it's true! I was a genuine ass that night, I allowed myself to fall prey to that conniving bitch and it's had some horrible consequences, but what happened did not contain any forethought whatsoever, not on my part anyway!" He knew Annie had played him for a fool and taken advantage of his pain, but he also knew that despite any of that, he was still fully responsible for his actions and for placing himself in a compromising situation to begin with.

"Well lying to me afterwards took a lot of conscious thought. I was wondering why you know...why you wanted to suddenly make love to me the night you came home, why you brought me those roses...God! I should have seen right through it."

"Mac, we used to make love all the time" he said, "and I can't think of too many nights when I came home from being TAD that we didn't jump right into bed as soon as we got the chance, so why should this have made you wonder?"

"Because of six months worth of trips and assignment that ended up with us on opposite sides of the bed," she countered. "That's what made me wonder. Since I got diagnosed, we had sex once after and not again until that night. It should have sent up a ton of red flags and if that didn't the flowers...I can't remember the last time you brought me roses before that night."

"Okay, so I felt guilty as hell and I was trying to cover it" he said. "You got me, Counselor, big surprise there. You still haven't answered my question though - what is a satisfactory outcome for you? What do I have to agree to do to make amends in your mind, or is there even anything?"

"Don't ask me that right now," Mac replied. "You won't like the answer."

"I need the answer" he said in frustration. "I don't like any of this, but its reality and we have to deal with it, and I'm asking you, point blank what I have to do - tell me!"

"Nothing," she replied then. "Nothing you can do can fix this Harm. Nothing can...We're not going to make it. Let's just stop kidding ourselves."

"Nothing?" he asked in astonishment. "You just said you felt like we could! I'm not ready to give up on us, Mac, but if your mind is already made up, you better tell me now so we can stop playing games and do whatever we're gonna do."

"That's what I mean...Sometimes I think we can and others like now...I...I just..." She didn't want to say how she felt about him, but she knew he'd make her. Still she waited until forced.

"That means we've still got a chance" he said, "still have something to fight for! I hate that all this happened, but God, Mac...I still love you more than anything in this world. Can you tell me, here and now, that you don't love me anymore?" He thought for sure his heart would crumble to dust if she answered the wrong way.

"I...Harm, I...I can't say that I don't love you, but right now I hate you so much I can't say I do either," she replied, knowing this would kill him to hear, but he'd pushed it, he had to hear it, so there it was.

Dust. Pure, unadulterated dust is what his heart became as he listened to his wife, the mother of his children and the only woman he'd ever loved say that she hated him. "I...Mac..." he whispered as he felt the tears well up in his eyes. "Why...What...What is it about this...that makes you hate me?"

"I can't trust you anymore Harm," Mac replied. "I can count on you, I don't know that a single thing you do for me is out of love anymore or if it is out of guilt. I hate this, I hate everything about it...and you are a huge part of this situation, you caused it and I hate you for doing this to me, to us, to our children. Look at what you've done to Lucy, our sweet baby girl, now's she hitting people...all you!"

"Remind me of that a few more times, why don't you?" he snapped. "Remind me that our family is falling apart because of what I allowed to happen in Mexico! I told Lucy I'd sleep in here tonight, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna break that promise, so either we stop this back and forth bullshit and talk things out, like we're supposed to be doing, or we turn the light's out and lie here angry with each other. Your call."

In response she leaned over and turned off the bedside light and rolled over on her side her back to his side of the bed.

He huffed back into bed and forcibly put his head against his pillow. He was hurting more than ever before in his life, and when all was said and done, he was the only one to blame. He closed his eyes as the hot tears began spilling out. His little girl was mad at him. His wife hated him, at least most of the time lately. Nothing he could do could change either of those things, though he wanted to change them both in an instant and ease the suffering he'd brought upon his family. With a few silent sobs, he lept out of the bed again, this time heading for the living room, picked up the phone and dialed a familiar number.

"Hello," the soft voice of Sarah Rabb spoke. She sounded like she was sleeping.

"Grams" he said with a little sniffle. "It's Me, Harmon. I'm sorry to wake you, but..."

"Harmon?" Grams was up in an instant. "What's wrong? Is someone sick?" Immediately she was worried about his family.

"No, no one's sick" he said. "It's...things are bad with me and Mac. Really bad."

"Harm, are you crying?" his grandmother asked.

"Mm-hmm" he answered as another sob came over him. "I'm sorry..." he whispered.

"Don't be sorry, Honey," she said gently. "Tell me what happened."

He proceeded to tell her everything, from how Mac had already found the shirt by the time he got home from Pennsylvania, to her throwing him out for a night, therapy and everything in between. "I'm not sure we're gonna make it" he sobbed.

"Harm, no matter what happens you and Sarah love each other, you'll make it, I promise Honey," Grams assured him. "I'll see what I can do when you come this weekend."

He felt the tears continue to flow as his precious grandmother offered to help. "Thanks, Grams" he cried. "We have to make it; we have to be okay."

"You'll be okay, Honey," Grams said again. "You're in therapy, working really hard, what makes you think its over?"

"She said so" he whispered. "She said sometimes she feels like it's all over."

"Isn't that her right, though. I mean...she had her world turned upside down...She's scared and hurt, but she still loves you, that hasn't changed?" Grams tried again to get him to see that.

"She might love me when she doesn't hate me" he said, feeling his heart break all over again.

"She doesn't hate you, Harm," Grams comforted. "She's just angry at you."

He wanted to believe that so badly, but he just wasn't sure. "I...I don't know anymore, Grams. Everything is a mess. Lucy is acting out and having problems at school - life around here is total chaos and it's all my fault."

"Yes," Grams agreed. "It is your fault, but you have to stop pitying yourself and try and fix this. Does Sarah know how upset you are? Why don't you go to her, tell her you need her...make her feels like she's important in your life again. Tell her the guilt is eating at you."

"I can't" he said. "She said she doesn't trust me anymore; said she wonders now if everything I do is out of guilt instead of out of love. I...I do need her and she is important, but I can't make her see that. I'm losing...losing everyone that I love."

"That hurts doesn't it?" Grams asked. "Doesn't it?"

"It's killing me" he sobbed, wishing his grandma was there to hold him.

"I know," Grams said gently. "I know because I've been there, Sweetie. But you have to remember this...you have someone who'll always love you, good or bad. You're never going to lose me, and I love you so much. You're my little boy after all, all I have left of your Daddy and pop. I'll get better, you'll see."

"I hope so" he said, wiping his eyes. "I'm sorry I called so late, but I needed to talk to someone and-"

"Harm, it's never too late for you to call me. It's nice to know I'm still needed," Grams replied.

"I'll always need you, Grams" he said. "I'll let you get back to bed now. I love you so much."

"I love you too, Honey," she told him. "Go now try and get some rest and call me tomorrow, let me know how you are, okay?"

"Okay" he agreed. "Thanks for listening to me. Goodnight, Grams."

"Good night, Harmon," she said softly before hanging up and saying a prayer for her grandson and his family.


	24. Chapter 24

See Chapter One for Disclaimers.

Notes: Due to all the wonderful reviews, here is the next chapter. Once again, please stick with me until the end. You might be shocked along the way, but not disappointed.

The next morning found Harm and Mac sitting in the comfortable office of the school's psychiatrist, Dr. Eliza Crimmins and Lucy's teacher Mrs. Connors. They were both tired and tense given the previous nights horrible events but they were ready now to focus on Lucy.

"Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Rabb, I'm Dr. Crimmins and you know Mrs. Connors. I suppose you are wondering why we've called you here with such urgency," the dark haired woman began.

"Yes, we are," said Mac.

"We've been concerned about Lucy for awhile now...she's seems sullen, withdrawn...but our primary concern comes in her artwork," Dr. Crimmins explained.

Harm feared he knew where this was heading. "What has her artwork contained lately?" he asked.

"Most of it is...odd," Mrs. Connors began. "Mrs. Rabb, you are not included with the family in most of her pictures." The teacher showed Mac a picture of the family, Lucy was in Harm's arms, DJ at his side, even Colleen was there, Mac however was off to the side.

Mac cringed at the sight of the drawing. "That's probably because she's afraid I'll leave her," she said. "I have a chronic illness and she's been afraid for months now that I'd die from it and leave her."

"Have you discussed your illness with her, Mrs. Rabb?" Dr. Crimmins asked. "Children need to feel secure and Lucy well...it is clear that she does not."

He looked at the floor before finding the words he needed to explain the situation. "My wife and I have been experiencing some problems as of late," he said. "We're seeing a therapist and trying to work through them, but we know Lucy is aware of the tension between us."

"And she's no doubt responding to it," Dr. Crimmins sighed. "Yesterday there was an altercation between Lucy and another student on the playground. Lucy is normally a docile child, but she knocked the child down and well it all ended with her in tears. We sent you a note about it. Actually, we've sent you five or six notes, but you've not responded to any of them."

Mac and Harm looked at one another. "Uh, we've not gotten any notes, doctor," said Harm. "When was the first note sent home?"

"The third week of school," Mrs. Connors replied. "When Lucy told us that her parents had gone to Russia for the weekend."

Again, Harm and Mac looked at each other, and then it occurred to both of them that the weekend in question was when Mac had nearly bled to death on the bathroom floor. "Oh, yeah," said Harm. "We weren't in Russia, that's just what our friend told the kids when they woke up and we weren't there one Saturday morning. We'd been at the hospital all night because of a complication from my wife's condition, and AJ - our friend who came and stayed with the kids - told them the first thing he could think of when they asked where we were."

"Mr. and Mrs. Rabb, if you cannot provide a safe and secure environment for Lucy..."

"Whoa, hey, wait a minute," said Harm. "Things aren't the best between the two of us right now, but we take excellent care of both our children."

"Don't take this situation any further than necessary, doctor," said Mac. "We can handle it."

"Mrs. Rabb, Lucy is behind every other child in her class," Mrs. Connors said. "She's non communicative most of the time and we I ask her why she says...two weeks ago, Mr. Rabb, Lucy told us she didn't have a Daddy anymore. Then the next day, she talked about you like you were David Farragut himself. This is a child who is clearly experiencing a severe psychological problem and by the looks of things you are not handling it very well."

"No, apparently we're not," said Harm. "Tell it to us straight, please, does our daughter need to see a therapist?"

"I would like to speak with her once a week," Dr. Crimmins began. "I think she has a lot of unresolved and suppressed anger as well as some security issues. If you'd sign this form I can begin talking to her tomorrow assuming of course you talk to her tonight."

The couple looked at each other yet again, and then Mac reached for the pen and paper the doctor was offering. "That'll be fine," she said. "We'll talk with Lucy tonight and you can begin seeing her tomorrow. Was there anything else you needed to speak with us about?"

"Not at this time," Dr. Crimmins replied. "Thank you for coming in."

"Thank you, doctor," said Harm as he offered a handshake. "Mrs. Connors," he said, extending his hand to her next.

The teacher shook Harm's hand as well as Mac's. Then the couple left the office and headed to their car.

"Well that was enlightening," said Harm as they left the parking lot.

"What are we going to do?" she asked him. "She's not just...Harm, she's been lying to us, hiding things...What are we going to do?"

"We're going to talk to her tonight," he said. "And let her know that she's going to be seeing a special doctor just like the kind you and I are seeing. She'll understand that, and let's hope Dr. Crimmins can help her. This isn't good for her."

"Yes, well," Mac studied her hands and trailed off.

Harm adjusted his sunglasses and continued to drive in silence. No sense in getting into an argument that neither could win. The remainder of the drive passed in silence, as had become commonplace lately.

The work day dragged for them both, but finally it was time to go home. Mac wanted Harm to go on his quals, she needed the space, she needed to miss him, and if he was away well that would work. Mac drove the children home with her from Harriet's, surprised to find Harm home all ready when she arrived.

"Hey, guys," said Harm to the children as they came into the living room.

"Hi, Daddy," Lucy greeted while DJ toddled over for a hug.

"Why don't you go put your things in your room and wash up for dinner, okay?" he asked Lucy.

"Okay," Lucy replied and went to do as she was asked.

Mac looked at Harm, "When are you leaving?"

"0400 tomorrow," he replied. "I brought home Mexican for dinner. You hungry?"

"A bit," Mac replied. "When do we talk to her? I want to...we're going to have to punish her for hiding the notes and so on."

"After bath time," he said, rising from his chair and going to warm up the food. "Before bed, we'll talk with her."

"Harm?" Mac said softly as he moved to the kitchen.

"Yeah?" he replied, unwrapping the tacos.

"I made you...you were crying last night," Mac began. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, at least...I don't...even though I hate you at times for what you've done, I do love you, that's why this is so hard."

He looked up at her, stopped what he was doing with the food, and turned to face her entirely. "So are you saying there's still hope for us?"

"No, but I'm not saying there's not either," she replied. "Let's just work with that. Did the mail come?"

"Yeah," he replied, his voice a bit dejected but hopeful at the same time. "It's on the end table."

Mac picked up the pile of mail and started looking through it. She looked at a large manila envelop, the return address reading, Baltimore Presbyterian Hospital, a renowned cancer facility. "Harm, what is this? Are you sick?" she asked, going into worry mode quickly.

"What's what?" he asked, looking over at the envelope in her hand, an immediate wave of panic coming over him. He'd meant to hide that piece of mail from her; it wasn't anything she needed to see. "Oh, uh, no, I'm not sick. Don't worry about it."

"Baltimore Pres is a cancer hospital, Harm," Mac replied. "Why are you getting mail from them?"

"Because..." he began, torn between making something up and telling her the truth. Remembering his promise never to lie to her again, he took a deep breath and answered her with complete honesty. "Because Annie asked them to send that to me. It's just a picture. You can look at it if you want, but that's all it is."

"I have no desire to look at this," Mac sighed and set it down on the table. "Can I help?"

"You can dish out the rice and beans if you'd like to," he said, handing her the Styrofoam containers. He felt bad that she knew that Annie had ordered that picture sent to him, but he felt good for being honest with Mac and knowing that he wouldn't have to back peddle in the future if she happened to find that picture.

"Oh, did you look at it yet?" Mac asked him setting the envelope down.

"Just for a second," he answered a little apprehensively.

"And?" Mac inquired moving to assist him with dinner. She knew seeing ultrasounds always made him tear up, at least their ultrasounds.

"I didn't feel anything," he said, his voice a mixture of surprise and relief. "I've just got this feeling that that kid isn't mine, Mac. Bottom line; that's how I feel."

"Wishful thinking," she sighed as she put plates out for the children's dinner. "Lucy, DJ!" she called.

The children scampered out of the bathroom, "Here Mommy," Lucy said holding her brother's hand. "What's to eat?"

"Tacos," said Harm. "With beans and rice. Looks good, huh?"

"I don't want that," Lucy said while DJ said, "Ummy!" and reached up to be put into his high chair.

"Well, then you can just sit with us while we eat," said Harm. Lucy knew the house rule about meals - you ate what was served or you went hungry. At first he thought it was a little harsh on such young children, but he quickly realized that they knew they'd get hungry later if they refused to eat at mealtimes, and most often they'd at least nibble a little at their meal.

Mac lifted DJ and put him in his chair. She took his taco apart for him making sure the chicken was small enough so he wouldn't burn his tongue. Harm held Lucy's chair while she got in and after half the meal was spent pouting she did begin to nibble at her meal until it was gone.

The meal itself held the regular chatter of DJ, but the rest of the family sat in tense silence until once his dinner was gone, DJ announced, "Mommy, peepee."

"Good boy, DJ," Mac praised. "Let's go do that," she lifted him out of his seat and took him off to the bathroom leaving Lucy and Harm alone.

Harm turned to his daughter. "Lucy Bear, after have bath time and we're all ready for bed, Mommy and I need to talk to you, okay?"

"No," she said firmly. "I don't wanna talk about that stuff anymore. Mommy made me before and I didn't wanna and I don't wanna now."

He knew this was going to be an uphill battle, but it had to be fought regardless. "We won't make you talk about any of those things, I promise," he said. "Mommy and I will talk and all you have to do is listen, okay?"

"Okay," Lucy replied. "Daddy?"

"Yes, baby?" he replied.

"Last night I heard you and Mommy talking about...are you not coming to Grams' house?" she asked with her head tilted to the side in innocent inquisition.

"I'm going to Grams' house, Button," he insisted. "I have to go fly some planes for a couple of days before we go, but I'll still get to go with you and DJ and Mommy to see Grams."

"What planes?" Lucy asked. "Like DJ's?"

"Kind of," said Harm. "They're called Hornets; they're a little different than the ones DJ has, but not too much."

"Do you fly them good?" she asked. Lucy heard all the time about crashes and pilot error during the course of a hundred conversations between her parents and their colleagues.

"I sure do," he answered with a smile, hoping once more to be his little girl's hero.

"Good," Lucy replied and slipped out of her chair. She stood next to her father and waited. She knew she'd been being bad, but she didn't know how to stop herself. She just hoped her Daddy could still love her and forgive her. KC said that he would, but Jessie said he'd swat her. Lucy wasn't sure who to believe. She hoped KC was telling the truth because while she didn't know what a swat was she was pretty sure she didn't want to get one.

Harm turned and looked at Lucy. "Can Daddy have a hug, Lucy Bear?" he asked her as he opened his arms.

Lucy smiled and went to her Daddy's arms, "Daddy?" she said again after a minute.

"Mm-hmm?" he replied.

"Can we ride Peanuts at Grams' house?" Lucy asked still cuddling with her Daddy.

"I'm sure Grams' has already told Peanuts that you're coming," said Harm. "And I bet he's just as happy as a horse can be."

"Good," Lucy smiled as Mac called from the bathroom, "Harm?"

"Yeah?" he called down the hall from his seat at the table.

"Can you get her ready for her bath?" Mac asked. "We were a little too late so I'm going to do them early."

"Sure," he replied. "Let's go get ready for a bath," he said to the little girl.

"Then we got to talk right?" Lucy asked confirming the coming discussion, hoping her Daddy would say no now that they hugged and all.

"Well, Mommy and I will talk," he said. "All you have to do is listen, remember?"

"Yes, but I still have to be there," she sighed starting to pout all ready.

"Yes, that's true," he said. "But we won't talk very long and then I'll sing you your sleepy song, okay?"

"Okay," she replied and obediently went with her Daddy to get her bath.

Ninety minutes later DJ was dozing in the recliner after eating his dessert and Mac joined Harm with Lucy in tow. "Sit down Baby," she told her. "Next to me and Daddy."

The child did as she was asked. "I just hafta listen, right?"

"That's right," said Harm.

"Lucy, Mommy and Daddy went to your school today and we had a meeting there with Mrs. Connors and Dr. Crimmins. Do you know who she is?" Mac asked a question requiring only a yes or no answer.

"No," said Lucy.

"Well, she's a doctor at the school," Mac replied. "And they...they told us some things that... Lucy, did Mrs. Connors ever give you letters to bring home to me and Daddy?"

"Yes," answered the child, her eyes growing wide as she feared she was in trouble.

"Do you still have them?" Mac asked her. She wanted to read the letters to make this real.

"Yes," replied Lucy. "In my book bag."

"Can you bring them to me please?" Mac asked her.

Lucy slowly rose from her place between her parents, went to retrieve her book bag, and returned a few moments later, handing the entire bag to her mother.

Mac took the bag and went through it finally coming up with all five letters. She set them on the table and put the bag down. She looked at Harm. If he told Lucy she only had to listen, it was going to be his job to figure out how to get her to tell them why she hid those letters.

"Lucy," he began. "You knew better than to hide these from us, didn't you?"

Lucy shrugged her shoulders. "I guess so."

"I think you know so," he said. "But since I promised you that you wouldn't have to talk tonight, we'll wait and talk about this a little later. What we need to tell you tonight, though, is that starting tomorrow you're going to get to see a special doctor, like the one Mommy and I are seeing to make our hurt feelings all better."

"But I don't have hurt feelings," Lucy said. "I don't want to see a doctor. I don't need to."

"Well, I think you'll like her," said Harm gently. "She'll let you do fun things, like finger-painting and playing with puppets."

"Can you come with me?" Lucy asked him.

"Maybe some of the time I can," he said. "But tomorrow will just be for you. You can tell Mommy all about it when you come home, okay?"

"I want you to come with me," Lucy insisted.

"I can't do that, Button," he said. "Daddy has to leave very early in the morning to go fly the airplanes we talked about."

"Then I'm not going," Lucy declared firmly.

"Yes, you are," said Harm in a firm yet gentle tone. "You can tell me all about it when I call you tomorrow before bed."

"I am not!" she shot back at him. "And you can't make me!"

"Lucille Patricia," Mac warned.

"Lucy," said Harm. "You have to go tomorrow and spend some time with just you and Dr. Crimmins. After that, if you'd like us to, Mommy and I will see if we can go with you sometimes."

"I don't want to go," Lucy said again. "I don't want to! I don't want to!" she shouted over and over again. "And I'm not going to!"

"Lucy, sweetie," he said, trying to placate his daughter. "You have to go. This isn't something you can say you don't want to go to. You have to go."

"Daddy's right, Lucy," Mac told her. "Mommy and Daddy don't always like doing something but we have to do it and you have to do this. There are no options."

Lucy slid off the couch just then and started to walk off in a huff. She stopped a few feet away and turned back to her father. "I'm mad at you and I don't love you anymore!" she spat, then turned around and took off towards her room.

Mac sighed and folded her hands in her lap, "Well that went well."

"Yeah," he replied sarcastically. "At least she didn't say she hates you. I'm...I think I'll go take a hot shower or something. Clear my head."

"She didn't say she hated you," Mac told him, arguing semantics as she would in court.

"Hates me, doesn't love me anymore," he said. "Six of one, half dozen of the other. I'll be in the bathroom if you need me." With that, he walked off, the ache in his heart hanging over him like a storm cloud.

Mac sighed, her heart torn. Her husband was hurting in one room and her baby in another. Her son was conked out on the couch. Mac lifted the boy and set him in bed before she went to Lucy's room. "Lucy?" she said softly at the door when she saw the little girl lying in bed.

"Sleepy..." mumbled the little girl.

"Baby, Mommy...Would you like to go say sorry to Daddy before you go to sleep? His feelings are very hurt," she said gently.

"Nuh-uh," said the child, hugging her beloved Pooh Bear a little tighter. "I'm going to sleep now."

"She's Harm's child," Mac thought to herself. "Okay, maybe in the morning. Mommy loves you Baby. So does Daddy. Goodnight."

"Night..." mumbled Lucy, and without another word, she drifted off to sleep.

Mac went to the master bedroom and waited for Harm to get out of the shower. She sat in bed reading her Tom Clancy, or at least pretending to read it until he came out, perhaps looking worse than when he went in.

With a sigh, he flopped down on the bed, knowing that it was Mac's turn to have the bed to herself, but not feeling like being alone in the guest room just then.

"Harm, you know she didn't mean it," Mac said touching his shoulder lightly.

He nodded just a little.

"Do you want to talk?" Mac asked. She'd hurt him so badly last night and now their daughter had as well.

"No," he said, his voice almost a whisper.

"Do you want...do you want something to drink or a snack?" Mac asked. She didn't know what to offer him to make him feel better.

"No," he said again. "Mac, please...I just need to think."

"Harm...I know you're feelings are hurt but...What I mean is...We're supposed to talk remember?" she tried his tactic on him.

He looked over at her. "I know we are," he said softly. "But we just can't seem to get the hang of that, can we? It always ends in another fight, and I can't handle any more of the people I love telling me how much I've hurt them or how much they hate me right now."

Mac didn't say anything she just set her book aside and slid a bit closer putting one arm around him, trying to offer him the love he was starving for.

"I don't know what to do anymore," he said as a lump arose in his throat.

"Want to just do this for a bit?" she asked him.

"Honestly," he said as he moved away from her. "No, I don't. I wish I did, but after last night, I...I just don't."

"I said I was sorry," Mac replied.

"I've said I'm sorry countless times, Mac," he replied. "And it hasn't seemed to count for jack. All those things you said last night, about hating me and about how we're not going to make it, you never said you didn't mean them. I guess that means you do, huh?"

"I'm sorry," she said again studying his back, the tense muscles there.

"Still can't say you didn't mean what you said," he replied. "Guess that answers that question." He rose from the bed, taking his pillow and heading for the guest room. He wanted to be alone with his pain.

He laid on his bed, in the dark for almost an hour as he thought about all the things that were wrong in his life. Sure, there were many things that were right, such as his job, his friends, his grandmother; but it seemed for every right thing, there were ten that were so very wrong. His wife couldn't decide if she loved him, hated him or anything in between. His daughter; pretty much the same thing. He was trying to help her, but she couldn't see it through her anger and confusion. His friends were there for him and had been true Godsends since everything began to unravel, but even they had feelings towards him and about what he did that he wasn't sure they'd ever get past.

He rolled out of bed and turned on the desk lamp, figuring since he wasn't sleeping, he might as well get a head start on packing. He had to leave the house at 0400, and it was only 2245, but maybe doing something would make him sleepy. He went to the closet and pulled out his garment bag, the one he always took TAD. He then went about setting out the few clothing items he'd need for the two days he'd be gone, and he realized his uniform socks were in the load still in the dryer. With a sigh, he went carefully down the hall, hoping not to awaken the kids or Mac, if she was even asleep. On his way past the dining room, he spied the manila envelope that Mac had tossed on the end of the table earlier in the evening. He walked past, then stopped, thought for a second, and turned around.

He took the envelope in his hands, and without much thought, he reached inside and pulled out the only content, a small, black and white ultrasound photo. Sliding into a chair, he studied the photo for a number of minutes. He couldn't make out very many things, just the pale spot where the baby's tiny heart was beating. As he looked upon the picture and thought about the little life it represented, he began to feel guilty. He couldn't be sure that the baby even belonged to him, and every fiber of his being told him that it didn't, but still this little one was caught in the middle of a very sad situation.

It was a completely innocent victim of the very poor choice of two people, since whether or not it belonged to him, the fact that he'd been with the child's mother at all is what put the baby in the middle in the first place. "I'm so sorry, little one," he said aloud, so consumed in thought that he didn't hear Mac coming around the corner.

Mac saw him looking at an ultrasound picture and at first thought given the event of the night it was Lucy's. "She knows you're sorry, Harm," Mac said softly as she sat next to him. "She'll forget all about it by tomorrow.

He jumped as he realized she was there. "Oh," he said. "Uh, yeah."

"Wouldn't it be great sometimes if they could stay that little?" Mac asked. "Not that she didn't cause trouble in the womb."

"Yeah, she did," he agreed. "But this, uh..." If she figured out that the picture wasn't of Lucy, or of DJ for that matter, she'd come unglued. He didn't know what to say.

"Is that the one you were there for?" Mac asked trying to see the date on the photoscan. She really didn't believe it was Lucy's, she just really wanted to.

"Mac," he said quietly. "This is, uh, this...isn't Lucy."

"Is it too much to hope that it's DJ?" she asked with a sigh.

He'd hurt her again and he knew it. "Sorry," he said his voice still low and quiet.

Mac reached for the picture. "May I?"

Mac did neither. She examined the photo with a critical eye looking for any indications of the sex if it was there that would mean it wasn't Harm's baby only it wasn't. "It looks good," Mac said. "Normal and all best I can tell."

Again, he nodded. "I don't expect you to care about this baby," he said. "Not until we find out if...hell, not even then, really. I don't want you to feel any obligation if it turns out to be mine, Mac."

"If this baby is yours and we manage to work through this...none of this is that baby's fault," Mac sighed. "None of it is Lucy's fault or DJ's."

"I know," he said, leaning back in his chair, running his hands over his face. "I'm almost thinking...maybe it'd be a good idea if I was at the hospital when it's born - just in the hospital, not anywhere near...her. They could do the DNA test as soon as possible and we'd have an answer."

"Harm, if that baby is yours and you didn't see it born you'd never forgive yourself," Mac sighed. "But hopefully we'll have one of our own right behind it."

He felt a huge ray of hope enter the conversation as Mac spoke. "So you still want to try for another one?" he asked, astonished that she was still considering that given the

previous evening's altercation.

"I want another baby, Harm," Mac said. "I was thinking though about AI or in vitro...you know."

"I thought Dr. Bradley said we could try naturally in a couple months," he said.

"He did but...Harm, after this last cycle...I've never been in such pain before..." She said it as if he didn't know.

"Yeah, this last one was bad," he agreed softly. "I'll do whatever you want to do, however and whenever, but don't you think we should make sure we're...you know...definitely going to be 'okay' before we try? I mean, I think we'll get there somehow, but I know you've got some doubts..."

"So many doubts," she sighed. "I just...I was thinking of trying more aggressive treatments first that's all to save time. And it might never happen you know? Then you'll need this little baby to get your family like you want it."

"Whoa, let's slow down a little," he said adamantly. "We don't know if that baby is mine or not, and we won't know for at least a week after it's born unless we can get the lab to put a rush on the test, which isn't very likely. Even if it is, that's not the way I want to build my family, our family. I'd be the best father I could be to that baby, but that baby would in no way replace the next one I want to have with you, Mac."

"It may have to," Mac sighed. "If we don't...Harm, if the baby is yours will you...?"

"Fight Annie for custody?" he said, knowing that's the question Mac was asking. "I don't know that I could win sole custody, though I could play the insanity card as far as she goes... If it turns out that the baby is mine, and we're still...still together then, what would you want me to do?"

She reached out and touched his chest lightly, "Go with your heart, Harm. That's all I've ever wanted you to do. And that's what I'm doing now, and was doing last night. My heart is confused Harm and so is my head."

"Those things you said last night, was that your head speaking, or your heart?" he asked.

Tears spilled out of her eyes as he asked that question because she knew what the answer would do to him. "Can you tell me how that felt?" she asked to avoid replying.

"How do you think I felt?" he asked, his voice finding a sudden edge. "You told me you hated me, Mac! That didn't exactly give me warm fuzzies!"

"I didn't say I hated you exactly," Mac said softly.

"Like hell you didn't!" he spat. "You said you hated me too much last night to say that you still loved me at all! Don't sit there and tell me what you said; I remember! I knew this conversation here was going too well to last very long..."

"I didn't mean it like that, I..." she began as the tears fell over her eyes.

"Then what did you mean, Mac?" he asked, his voice cracking as the pain welled up inside him again. "I mean, Christ, we can't even have a civil conversation for more than ten minutes anymore - either you get pissed or I do, and we end up doing this... I'm beginning to think maybe you're right, maybe we're not going to survive this." He abruptly stood up from his chair and stormed into the living room.

Mac followed him, "Keep your voice down you'll wake the children!" she hissed. "The last thing they need to see is their father acting like a two year old!"

"Fine," he said heading towards the front door. "Let's take it outside!"

"What are you going to do out there, huh?" Mac asked. "Yell at me? Make this my fault like you have been? You're worse than my father you know that? At least he had an excuse."

"I'm not making this your fault," he said, his anger rising by the minute. "I've never once, through this whole stupid ass situation, said this was anyone's fault but mine! No matter how mad I get - and in case you couldn't tell, I'm pretty damn mad right now - I never say you're to blame for what I did, and don't you dare compare me to your father because I'm way more of a man than he ever was!" By this point, Harm felt like he was standing outside of his body, watching a mad man yell at his wife.

"Some man," Mac replied. "I don't know who you are anymore Harm, but you are not the man I married. That man was kind, decent and honest, now...You're a cheat, a liar and I can't think of anything that's bad enough to call you!" She bit out on a sob. "You stand there and yell at me all the while proclaiming my innocence when I know you think yourself justified because in a way think it too, but instead of saying it you hide behind sweet words and crocodile tears. I was beginning to think that I'd spoken in haste last night now I know I didn't. I don't love the person you are anymore Harm. I don't even like him." With that she turned and went back inside needing to get away and hide, lick her wounds and take appropriate action.

He followed behind her, realizing that he'd pushed her too far and really hurt her again. "Hey, come back here," he said as he stayed several feet behind her all the way to their bedroom door. "Listen, I-" was all he got out before she entered their room and shut the door forcibly in his face.

It was 0355 when he carried his garment bag and his brief case out to the kitchen. Setting them quietly on the floor, he turned on the tiny light near the stove, opened the drawer and dug out a pad and a pen. He scribbled a few words and left both paper and pen out on the counter for Mac to find. Turning off the light and taking up his luggage, he was out the door at 0400 sharp.

Mac awoke at six o'clock having only fallen asleep when she heard Harm leave two hours before. She got up, tended to her needs, and then went to wake up the kids. As she passed by the kitchen the paper Harm had left his note on caught her eye. She went to it, knowing it would be an apology, one she'd accept. She owed him one as well, after what she'd done to him, after what she'd said. Thankfully, they'd have four days with Grams to work on that.

When Mac lifted the paper though, she didn't see an apology or an "I love you." What she did see broke her heart. It read_, "Mac, I know you're right now. We're over. I'm just going to have to live with that. Have Sturgis or Bud draw up the papers. H-"_


	25. Chapter 25

See previous chapters for disclaimers and notes.

It was a sad two days, a long two days that Mac went through the motions of living. Since Harm had left she'd been in a constant state of pain, physical and emotional. She hadn't mentioned the note to anyone; she didn't want a divorce, not yet. She had to make him see that while they were miles apart, they were still together in spite of her heated and wretched words.

Mac had an uneasy feeling in her stomach all of Thursday night and into Friday morning. Something was wrong, she knew it. Something had happened to Harm. He'd crashed and he was hurt or worse, at least she thought that was it, until her phone rang early Friday morning. "Rabb Residence," she said sleepily.

"Mrs Rabb?" asked the caller with a think German accent. "This is Mrs. Schultz. I live in Belleville, down the road from Sarah?"

"Yes?" Mac asked her gut tightening. "This is Sarah Rabb. Is everything all right? Is Grams sick again?"

"She's not sick," said Mrs. Schultz. "I hate to say this, but she wanted me to have your number if this happened. She passed away last night." Mrs. Schultz voice cracked as she spoke of her precious friend.

"Oh no!" Mac gasped. "Oh my God!" She began to cry as she absorbed the shock. "How? I mean...How? Where?"

"It was her..." Mrs Schultz took a second to compose herself. "It was her heart. They say she went in her sleep. Amy Jo, her grounds keeper, she found her. I...I saw the ambulance down the road and got there as fast as I could."

"We were going to drive up today to visit her, my husband and my kids...Did she...Do you know if she..."

"Mommy?" Lucy called down the hall, the phone having woken her up.

"I have to go now, my daughter is awake. We'll be up later today," Mac told the kind woman who'd just delivered harsh and terrible news.

"Yes, dear," said Mrs. Schultz. "I'm so sorry. If I can do anything, I'm just down the road."

"I'll make sure we come by to see you," Mac told her. "Thank you for looking out for her. We appreciate it."

"It was my pleasure," Mrs. Schultz replied. "She was such a sweet lady."

"Yes she was," Mac said sadly before hanging up the phone.

Lucy had reached her mother's door by then and had pushed it opened. "Mommy?"

Mac held out her arms to Lucy, "Come here Baby."

"Why are you crying?" asked the child.

Mac pulled Lucy close to her and rocked her a minute, "Well, I'm crying because something very sad happened."

Lucy became very frightened, fearful that something had happened to her Daddy. "Is Daddy not coming back from flying the airplanes?" she asked as her tears began to fall. "I didn't tell him I love him..."

Mac held Lucy a bit tighter, "No Baby. He's coming home. He'll be home soon. Daddy is just fine. Only...this sad thing...it is going to make Daddy very very sad so we're going to have to be really nice to him and help him okay?"

"Uh-huh," said Lucy, nodding her head as she snuggled close to her mother. "When will Daddy be home? I want to tell him I love him."

"In a few hours, before lunch time," Mac replied. "I am going to ask AJ to come and play with you and DJ while Mommy talks to Daddy though. Then we can all talk together."

"Then will we leave to go see Grams?" asked Lucy. "Daddy said we could ride Peanuts."

"Lucy...when people get older sometimes the things that make their body work get broken and worn out and when that happens that person can't stay here on earth anymore. They have to go to another place where they can be even if something in their bodies isn't working right," Mac tried to explain. Harm was so much better at this.

Lucy looked at her mother in confusion. "Did Grams' go away?" she asked.

Mac nodded, "Yes. Grams went away. She went to Heaven," Mac told the girl through her tears.

"Heaven...?" replied Lucy. "But that means she's not coming back."

"That's right," Mac nodded. "She went to Heaven last night and she's not coming back anymore, Sweetie."

Lucy began to sob. "But I'll miss her," she cried.

Mac held the child even tighter and began to rock her, "I know Baby. I'll miss her too and so will Daddy and DJ and Nana Trish. But we'll see her again someday."

"Daddy will be very sad," cried Lucy. "I don't like Daddy to be sad."

"Yes, Daddy is going to be very sad," Mac agreed. "But we're going to have to make that okay for him. We have to let him know that that's okay."

"Uh-huh," said Lucy, rubbing the tears from her face. "Can I lay here with you, Mommy?" she asked.

"Yeah, Baby," Mac said. "You can lay right here with me. Do you want more sleep?"

"Yeah," she answered, snuggling in next to Mac. "But we hafta get up before Daddy gets home so we can make him feel better."

"No, Lucy," Mac shook her head. "We have to let Daddy feel however he needs to feel. We just have to hold onto him and tell him how much we..." Her voice broke. "How much we love him. Okay?"

"Okay, Mommy," she answered as she closed her sleepy eyes.

A few hours later, Mac had the children up and dressed. She'd called Belleville and gotten numbers of several funeral homes and florists in the area and she'd called Trish so she and Frank could make their flight arrangements. It was nearly noon now and AJ was outside in the backyard playing HORSE with Lucy and DJ on a Fisher Price basketball net.

Harm pulled into the driveway tired, sore and discouraged. He was certain he'd walk into a firing squad after the way he'd left, but he knew it was for the best to divorce. They were only hurting themselves and their children by hanging on to a dying marriage. It was with a heavy heart and sore shoulders and back that he walked into to see Mac sitting at the table, stoically waiting for him.

"Hi," he said plainly and quietly, determined to keep it "all business", not to let his emotions take control.

"Hey," Mac replied.

"Where are the kids?' he asked as he thumbed through the stack of mail on the bar.

"Harm, come and sit down, Sweetie," Mac said gently.

He stopped thumbing through the mail and looked her in the eye. "What's wrong?" he asked insistently. "Something happened to one of them, didn't it?" After the way they'd parted, he knew she wouldn't call him "sweetie" unless something terrible had happened.

"I'm sorry. I should have told you...The kids are fine. They're playing outside with AJ," Mac replied gently. "Please, come sit with me."

Apprehensively, cautiously, he joined her. "What's going on, Mac?"

Mac reached out with her hand up, wanting to touch him as she broke this news.

He leaned back, just out of her reach. "Come on, tell me," he said, growing more frightened and impatient by the second.

"I got a call this morning from Mrs. Schultz one of Grams' neighbors," Mac began and let him take that in.

He was quiet for a second. "She's sick again, isn't she? Well, why are we sitting here, let's get packed and get on-"

"She's not sick Harm," Mac said gently cutting him off. "She passed away in her sleep last night."

His eyes grew wide as saucers as his entire mind went numb. "No," he said, shaking his head. "No, no she didn't. She's fine. I just talked to her the other night, and we're going to see her today and she's..." He never broke his gaze away from Mac as his tears began to fall.

"Harm," Mac said reaching out to touch his arms. "She's dead. She died in her sleep peacefully. And now we are going to have to go there and make her arrangements. Okay?"

"No..." he said again. "No! She's fine! She...she can't be gone...she can't...I need her!"

"Honey..." Mac began.

He didn't answer her. Instead, he buried his face in his hands and sobbed.

Mac slid close to him and slipped her arm around his back, "Say it," she told him. He'd once made her do that concerning her father.

He lifted his face from his hands. It was red, covered with tears and looked terribly sad. "She's dead," he whispered to Mac. "She's...dead." His face fell into his hands again and the sobbing resumed.

"Good," Mac praised. "Good that's the first step. Can I get you something? Water? Or do you...I could hold you if..." Mac was so unsure...if things were normal there would be no question on what to do.

"Leave me alone!" he said, standing up and moving away from her. "Just leave me alone..." He hurried down the hall to the guest room and slammed the door. He grabbed the first thing he found, a picture of his family from last Christmas. He threw it against the wall before collapsing onto the bed and crying like he hadn't done since learning his father was dead.

From his place in the back yard, AJ heard the picture slam against the wall of the guest room. He told Lucy he'd be right back, and asked her to keep an eye on DJ before rushing in to the house to see what had happened

He found Mac, sitting on the sofa, crying her heart out.

"Well?" AJ asked.

"I..." she sobbed."I told him and...and he just left...He went to be alone and he was so upset...He kept...kept saying it wasn't true and now he's just all alone," Mac cried her heart breaking for her husband's pain.

"Go to him," AJ encouraged. "He'll listen to you."

"Maybe he might have but…We're over, AJ," she sobbed.

He pulled back in shock. "You're over? Since when? Not because of this?" He had so many questions.

"No...It's a long story but it ends with Harm wanting a divorce," she cried. "He...we were having so many problems and I said so many terrible things to him and now he wants Bud or Sturgis to draw up papers. He won't come to me now. He'll just deal with this alone."

"If ever there were two people in the world who do not need a divorce, it's you two," said AJ adamantly. "And if ever there was a rotten time to even try to make any life changing decisions, this is it. My God, the man just lost one of the most important people in his life! What the hell is he thinking asking for a divorce?" He rose from the couch. "I'm going to go talk to him, whether he likes it or not."

"Don't push him AJ, please?" Mac begged. Harm didn't need any more hits just now. "Be gentle."

"I'll be gentle," he promised her. "But he needs to hear the voice of reason right now, and if he won't allow you to be that voice, I'll take care of it instead."

Mac nodded, "I'm going to go on check on the kids. Call me if you need me."

"Go wash your face first" said AJ, "and get a little drink of water or something; you need to calm down before the kids see you." With that, he headed down the hallway and gently knocked on Harm's door.

"Harm," he called knocking. "Harm open the door."

Harm heard AJ's request, but ignored it, too caught up in his grief to care.

"Come on, Harm," AJ pressed. "You know I'm not going to shut up and go away so you might as well let me in and get it over with. Open up."

Forcing himself to rise from the floor, he trudged over and opened the door, not saying a word to his former CO before returning to his spot on the floor beside the bed.

AJ shut the door behind him and sat down next to the shattered younger man. "I'm not going to say I'm sorry because I for one think that's a pretty silly thing to say. But I am going to ask you to talk to me."

"Not now, AJ," said Harm, his voice overflowing with emotion.

"I think now is the best time, Son," AJ replied. "You need someone...I could go and get Mac if you need her..."

"No," he said firmly. "I can't talk to her."

"Why?" AJ pressed. "She's pretty upset, crying...She wants to help you and so do I."

"That's just it!" exclaimed Harm, tears pouring from his ocean blue eyes. "No one can help me! I'm beyond help! I destroyed my marriage, now Grams is gone and so is my hope that we could work things out..." He buried his face in his hands.

AJ lifted one long arm inviting the younger man to lean on him a moment before he tried to offer advice or encouragement. He'd seen Harm come apart a few times, but this...this was the worst it had ever been.

Thought he tried to avoid it, somehow the invitation to cry upon the shoulder of the man who'd seen him through so many rough times in his JAG career was too compelling. Harm leaned into AJ's open arm, rested his head upon his shoulder and sobbed.

"I know where you are, Son. I've been there myself. When I lost my mother my marriage to Marcella was in ruins and I thought I had nothing left, even Francesca was angry at me most of the time. I threw in the towel after that, I gave up and hid away and even now so many years later I think what would have happened if I'd answered when Marcella knocked on our bedroom door. I don't know what brought you and Mac to this point, but whatever it is...you two can work through it. When you two pull together you can do anything...don't keep this between you. See it as what it is," AJ advised in a soft tone.

"We've tried to...to work through it," he cried. "Therapy, talking...we tried. It didn't work and it's all my fault."

"Harm...less than a month ago I was babysitting Lucy and DJ while you took Mac to a romantic dinner and gave her a beautiful anniversary. How could it have gone so bad in that short a time?" AJ asked. "I know it seems dark right now but..."

"Dark as hell" he replied, still crying. "She didn't know then, what I'd done."

"I'm not sure it matters that much," AJ replied. "What does is that that woman loves you."

"And I love her!" he exclaimed. "But sometimes love's just not enough. They say 'love conquers all', and that's just shit because there are some things love can't conquer!"

"Harm, lower your voice," AJ told him. "And you're right that are a lot of things love can't conquer, and that's where faith, trust, and guts come in. And you have those in abundance."

"So what?" he said, trying as hard as he could to get himself under control. "I thought...I thought we could work through it, like we did before, but it's been one step forward and three steps back. Tuesday night was...oh, God..." He began to cry again.

"What happened Tuesday night?" AJ asked him. This was getting him no where.

"Another fight," said Harm, his voice still laden with misery. "She saw me looking at the picture Annie sent and things were fine for a few minutes, then...I guess something in me just snapped and I was yelling at her like some possessed maniac."

"Wait a minute, what picture?" AJ asked thoroughly confused now.

"Shit, I never told you," whispered Harm, realizing that AJ's perspective on the situation had a giant hole in the middle. He took a deep breath, hoping to get the whole explanation out without having to take another one. "When I went TAD to Mexico in August, I ran into Annie; long-story-short, I got wasted and ended up in a cheap motel room with her and now she's pregnant and swears the baby is mine."

"Well, shit you really did screw up," AJ said in his flat monotone. "Well the good sign is that she's still with you and is out there heart broken because of something she said to you!"

"After saying she hates me," said Harm, "I'd hope she's heart-broken!"

"I'm sure she didn't say it like that," AJ comforted. "She was probably just upset with good reason."

"Yeah she was upset," he said, tears still falling intermittently. "And she has every right to be upset, but if she was going to hate me, why didn't she do it from the moment she found out what I did instead of letting me cling to all this false hope?"

"I don't think that hope is so false," AJ sighed. "She's the one who said you asked for the divorce. That gutted her, Son."

Harm cried silently for a moment, his heart breaking further at the mention of the divorce. "It's all I can do. I can't fix... I can't let everyone suffer for what I did. If she hates me that much, hates the person I've become, I love her and my kids too much to keep going like this."

AJ nodded. "I see your point, but I think you need to make her see it. I also think you need to pull yourself together because there are two little children outside playing that are going to want their Daddy soon and they can't see this. Get it together, Commander."

He was so caught up in his grief; he'd forgotten that he was yet to greet the kids upon his return. Taking the retired Admiral's advice, he took long, slow, deep breaths and looked inside himself for every ounce of self-control he had to get himself straightened up.

"I'm going to give you a few minutes, then go see your wife, go hug your daughter and your son, and do the Navy proud," AJ instructed rising from the floor. "If you need me, I'm here. Know that."

"I do," he said quietly.

Harm remained in his room for a couple more minutes before stopping by the bathroom to splash a little cool water on his face on his way out to see the kids. Lucy and DJ were thrilled to see him, and Lucy remembered what Mac had told her about how sad her Daddy would be. She held him extra tight and told him it was okay for him to feel sad. It was all he could do not to break down then and there.

He took the kids inside and got them a snack, and once they were settled he returned to his room and began packing for the trip to Belleville. He could hear Mac in the kids' rooms, packing the things they'd need. He didn't even consider going to talk to her. He was so hurt and more confused than ever, and now with Grams' passing on top of everything else, he couldn't talk with Mac, not just yet.

Two hours later, the family was loaded up and on their way, the only sounds in the vehicle coming from the "Blues Clues" DVD that was showing on the portable player in the back seat.

Mac tried numerous times to reach out to Harm with a gentle touch of his leg or a soft inquiry but every effort was rebuked with stern and cold silence. Finally, she just closed her eyes and drifted off to an uneasy sleep.

The entire family save Harm was sleeping by the time they reached the old farmhouse at about nine that night. Harm put the SUV into park and decided that like it or not he was going to have to defer to Mac just now. He wasn't sure how he'd do if he went in alone.

"Mac," he said plainly. "Mac, wake up. We're here." No touching; no emotion other than pain in his voice.

Mac stirred. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep," she said as she yawned. "How are you doing?"

"Fine," he said coldly as he opened the back door to get Lucy out of her seat. "Let's get in there" he said to Mac. "I want to go to sleep."

"But its only 2100," Mac protested as she did the same for DJ. "I thought we could talk a bit. Have some tea...you need to eat and..."

"Enough, Mac," he said in a tone suggestive of warning. "I can't talk to you right now." Taking his daughter in his arms and grabbing a suitcase from the floor beneath her seat, he headed for the farm house.

Mac decided not to push it she just held her son a bit closer and carried him in.

Lucy woke up just as Harm was laying her into bed. "Hey, Button," he said to her. "It's okay, you can go back to sleep."

"Daddy?" she asked sleepily rubbing at her eyes. "Where are we?"

"We're at Grams' house, baby," he said. "It's past your bed time, you can go back to sleep and we'll get up tomorrow and have a special breakfast, okay?"

"Okay," she said. "Daddy?"

"Why are you mad at Mommy?" she asked him having heard his harsh tones since he'd arrived home.

He sighed. "Mommy and I said some things to each other that weren't nice" he explained. "I need to talk to Mommy about that, and then I'll feel better. It's okay, I won't be mad very long." He knew this meant he would have to follow through on that talk with Mac eventually, but he knew he lacked what it would take that night.

"Okay," Lucy yawned. "Can you sing me my song?"

Lucy fell back to sleep half way into the first verse of her song and Harm slipped quietly out of that guest room. He could hear Mac down in the kitchen, making tea or a snack. She must have put DJ down in the big room; he always got scared when he woke up in a new place. He didn't want to talk, but he had to eat at least an apple or sleep would be impossible. He went down quickly and reached for the basket which she quickly moved away.

He reached out and grabbed it back from her, taking an apple and heading out of the kitchen.

"Harm," she said to make him stop.

He knew she wouldn't leave him alone if he didn't say something to her. "What?" he asked blankly, stopping but keeping his back to her.

"I'm making soup," she told him. "Come and eat something substantial."

The scent of the soup took him back to his childhood. It was Grams' homemade vegetable soup; one of his all-time favorites. Knowing that she was gone, though, turned that aroma into a brutal reminder that everything he loved, everyone he loved, was slipping away from him. "I can't eat that," he said as a wave of tears loomed overhead.

"I thought...you always said that this soup made you feel better. I...When I saw it in the fridge...At least let me get you a sandwich," she offered. "Just sit down here a minute."

He didn't want to; he wanted to go to his room, the one he'd spent so many summers in, and have a nice long cry. He didn't do that, though. Instead, he sat down at the table while Mac made him a sandwich.

"Tuna?" she asked looking in the cupboard. "Or peanut butter?"

"Peanut butter," he answered quietly.

"Are you upset that I told Lucy before you got home?" Mac asked thinking their daughter was neutral topic for now.

He shook his head slightly. "No."

"We never talked about anything like this happening so...She came in after I found out and she was in tears thinking something happened to you," Mac told him. "I have to admit that's what I thought too when they called. I hadn't felt that way since your last punch out."

"I'm sorry she got so upset," said Harm.

"It's not your fault," Mac replied. "I...I just wanted you to know why I didn't wait. I wanted to but I thought it better if she knew." She set the sandwich in front of him. "Milk or tea?" she asked.

"Milk" he answered, keeping the conversation to a minimum for now.

Mac poured him some milk from the pitcher and sat down. "I asked your mother what place Grams like, you know as in funeral homes and such. She said O'Flaherty's so I called them. We have to go there tomorrow about noon."

He nodded, taking a small bite of his sandwich. "I want this all over with" he said.

Mac moved a bit closer to him and laid her hand on his shoulder, rubbing gently. "I know. I know how hard this is for you, Sweetie..."

"I doubt that," he said sharply. "When's the last time you lost your grandmother 3 days after you realized you needed a divorce?"

"We don't Harm," she said. "But...I was young when my grandmothers' passed away, but I know the pain of loss. I loved her too you know."

"What do you mean 'we don't'?" he asked harshly. "Surely you don't mean we don't need a divorce." It killed him to say that, but he felt in his heart that it was the inevitable outcome of the entire "Annie situation". He wanted to believe otherwise; wanted to believe that they were just going through an exceptionally rough patch in the road to recovery and that they did indeed have what it would take to rebuild their marriage, but...

"I told you I was sorry. I was hurt and angry and I wanted to hurt you, but...I don't...Please stop doing this," she sighed.

"I'm not 'doing' anything!" he snapped. "Except mourning all the recent losses in my life." He rose from his chair, his snack barely touched. "I'll be up in time to fix breakfast for the kids" he said as he made his exit.

"Harm, where...I'll need sheets for the couch," she sighed. "Can you leave some in the hallway?"

"Yeah," he said in a low, hurt voice. He retrieved the sheets on the way to his room, laid them at the top of the stairs and closed the door.

Harm barely had time to remove his shirt before he heard a loud, ear piercing scream of "Daddy!" coming from Lucy's room.

He made a mad dash out the door, flew down the stairs three-at-a-time, and into the room where his little girl lay. "What, baby?" he asked, kneeling beside her bed. "What's wrong?"

Mac was two seconds behind him, "Lucy?" she knelt on the other side of the bed.

Lucy sobbed a minute and sat up in bed, "I had a bad dream," she sobbed brokenly.

He pulled the child into his lap. "Tell me about it," he said softly, smoothing her sweaty hair away from her face.

Mac sat on the bed as well and rubbed her daughter's back. "Its okay Baby," Mac crooned. "Tell Daddy."

"I had...a dream that you...went away," Lucy sniffled. "In the airplanes you fly."

"Oh, sweetie" he said, figuring the nightmare was triggered by her fear earlier that day, when the call came about Grams', that something had happened to him. "I'm not going to go away in the airplanes" he said, looking up at Mac to see if she caught his specificity. "Remember, you asked me if I fly them very good, and I said I did?"

"But you could make an accident," Lucy sobbed. "Mommy was sad and I was sad and...I'm scared."

He held the child tight. "Baby, I'm not gonna go fly any more airplanes for a little while" he said. "I'm here and I'm okay, so why don't you try to go back to sleep?"

Lucy shook her head. "Can I sleep with you?" she asked through her tears.

"Would you like to sleep next to Mommy?" he asked, hoping Lucy would agree to that since he really needed some time to himself.

"You too," she said clinging tighter.

"Lucy, come on now," Mac tried. "Daddy needs to have some private time right now."

The little girl only clung tighter to her father and cried harder.

Harm looked at Mac, his expression telling her he wasn't in any shape to share a bed with her.

Mac tried again, "Honey, remember what we talked about this morning. About helping Daddy all we can?"

Lucy continued to cry, but after a moment remembered what her mother was talking about. "Okay," she said, still crying and sniffling, reaching out to Mac. "I'll sleep with you, Mommy."

"Okay..." Mac smiled. "That's my good girl. Would you like Daddy to stay here until Mommy changes her clothes? Then I'll come back and sleep with you."

Lucy nodded. "Uh-huh."

"I'll be right back," Mac said and slipped off the bed and went to get ready for bed.

Mac came back a few minutes later wearing a USMC sweatshirt, one of Harm's so I covered her to her knees. She stretched then slipped into bed beside Lucy. "Harm, where did Grams keep the extra pillows?"

"In the hall closet," he answered as he walked out of the room.

"Thanks," muttered to herself as she slipped back out of the bed and went to get one. It was a room built for one and Lucy had the only pillow.

Harm returned to his room and crawled into bed, the same bed that had been there for as long as he could remember. The mattress had been replaced twice, but the frame was the same one that had been there the first time he was big enough to sleep in a "big boy bed". Being in the house had always been comforting to him, but tonight was different. Tonight all he felt was pain, loss and sadness. He rolled over and tucked his pillow between his neck and shoulder as a few teardrops rolled down his face.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter One for Disclaimers. Next chapter tomorrow.

Thanks for reviewing and thanks to Snugglebug for her help and inspiration.

Mac slept uneasily that night. The bed was small and it made her back cramp up, but it was better than the cold sofa and there was something so right about sleeping with her little girls head on her chest. Still, she must have dozed off at some point because when she awoke it was to the smell of fresh coffee, the warmth of sunlight, and the sound of Harm's laugh.

"You want another smiley face pancake?" Harm asked DJ. He'd not slept but a couple of hours, but judging by the mood he was in, you'd think he'd slept all night long. He was bright-eyed and happy and seemed more at ease overall than he had in months.

DJ gave his father a toothy grin and patted his syrupy plate with his hand getting himself all sticky. "Can I have another one too, Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Or are those for Mommy?"

"There's plenty left for Mommy, sweetheart," he said as he carried the plate over to the table and served each child another pancake. He then took the syrup bottle and drew smiley faces on said pancakes for each of them.

Mac stumbled down the stairs as she heard the happy voices of her husband and children. She was exhausted and stiff from the night, not to mention she wasn't feeling all that well. Bleary eyed she arrived in the kitchen and gave a downtrodden, effortless "Morning," as she headed for the coffee pot.

"Hi," said Harm, not as sincerely as he once had but a lot more sincerely that he'd said anything since returning from his Hornet quals. "Want some pancakes?"

"Just one," Mac replied and sat down heavily with her coffee. "Oh, DJ, you're a mess!"

"Yeah, he is," agreed Harm as he set a plate in front of her. "I'll clean him up when he's done."

"I can do it," Mac said. "Did you eat?"

"Not yet," he said as he flipped another pancake on the griddle. "I will."

"Okay, just make sure. When's you Mom due in?" she asked him. She'd heard the phone earlier and was sure it was Trish.

"1100" he answered. "She can stay with the kids while we meet with the funeral director."

"Are you sure you're up to that?" Mac asked. "I could handle it if you'd rather not." He'd handled almost all of her father's arrangements.

"No, I'm okay with it," he said convincingly. "I know what she wanted, so I think it'd be best if I was there."

"Okay, whatever you want," Mac replied as she played with her pancake. "Oh crap!"

"What?" he asked, looking up from in front of the stove.

"I forgot my dress uniform. I packed yours in with my stuff, but I don't have mine," she sighed.

"Mommy should just wear a pretty dress, right Daddy?" Lucy spoke up as she sipped her juice.

"I think Mommy should wear the prettiest dress she can find," he said, answering his daughter while looking down at the griddle. Thoughts of the impending divorce still weighed heavily on him, and he couldn't bring himself to look at Mac as he replied to Lucy's query.

"The only one I have that's suitable doesn't fit," Mac sighed. "I'm going to take a shower." She'd only eaten half of her pancake.

"We can go shopping after we meet with the director," he said, noticing her half-full plate. "You didn't eat much."

"I'm full," she replied. "It was good though."

"Thanks," he replied, disappointed that she hadn't eaten more than she had. He knew she was still upset with him over everything between them, but at least they were managing to make platonic conversation.

"Harm?" Mac asked as she was going out of the kitchen. "Where did the medicine bag end up?"

"Somewhere in your suitcase I hope," he replied, taking a bite of his pancakes. "I don't have it. Why, what do you need?"

"Not much, shampoo, my razor, meds, and a toothbrush," she listed. "Just the bare essentials."

"Meds? You feeling bad?" he asked, the same worry as always beginning to rise within him, though he didn't want to let it show.

"Not great," she replied. "But it's more precautionary. I don't want to end up laid out later when things are busy here."

He nodded, hoping she was telling the truth. "That's probably a good idea. Go ahead and get cleaned up; I'll take care of them."

"You don't have to," Mac told him. "I can or I can do the dishes. DJ, No!" Mac scolded as their son lifted his plate and placed it on his head.

"I'll throw them in the tub down stairs," he said. "You can do the dishes. Deal?"

"Given that last trick," Mac smiled a bit. "Deal."

Frank arrived ahead of Trish having come from New York so Harm and Mac headed out for the funeral home. They road into town in silence, waited in silence, and Mac sat in silence as she listened to Harm select hymns, readings, viewing times, flowers, right down to the kind of lining in the casket. He did it without a thought almost, and without a flicker of emotion. When it was over and they were ready to head to town to buy her a dress she reached for his hand.

He felt her fingers on his, and began to pull away as something in his heart told him to stay still. He didn't pull away, but he didn't make any effort to take hold of her hand, either. If she wanted to be that close to him, he could handle it for now, but he didn't have it in him to return her actions.

"I need to buy a dress," she said as if he didn't know that.

"Mm-hmm," he answered. "Where should we go?"

"You know this place better than I do. I just need something simple and navy blue. I have my black dress but it's too big. I hope maybe you're Mom can fix it."

"What's wrong with it?" he asked. "Too long?"

"Too wide," she replied.

"Too wide?" he asked as he looked over at her. With the obvious exception of her pregnancies, Mac had been the same size since the day he met her. Now that he was really looking, though, she did appear thinner than usual. "Have you lost weight?"

"A little I guess," she answered, her hand still holding onto his. "I haven't been very hungry lately."

"That's not good," he said, trying not to sound as upset as he was. "You didn't need to lose any weight, and you sure don't need to keep losing."

"I know," she answered with a sigh. "I guess I need to make myself eat even when I'm not hungry."

"I think you do," he agreed as they reached the car. "Let's go to Avery's and see what they've got for dresses, then we'll go back to the house and I'll fix us something good for lunch."

Mac didn't know what to make of the "new Harm." He was the spitting image of the "old Harm", the "pre-Mexico Harm", the one she missed like crazy, and the one…she loved being married to. "Uh, okay," she said, still unsure of how long they could hope to keep up the pleasantries before something set one of them off.

The trip to Avery's proved successful. Mac found a long, cotton, navy blue dress with a matching brocade jacket. Having only brought nylons and shoes to go with her black dress, she also picked up another pair of each in navy blue before they checked out and headed for the farm house.

They pulled up to the house and found Trish on the front porch, DJ sleeping in his stroller as she rocked it back and forth. When she saw Harm and Mac walking towards her she ceased the motion and went quickly to meet them. "Harm!" she called and rushed to her son. "Where have you been?"

"We had to buy Mac a dress for the funeral," he said. "Why? What happened?"

"Nothing I was just worried about you," Trish replied reaching up to give Harm a hug. "How are you doing, Honey?"

"I've been better," he admitted. "But I'm hanging in there I guess. Have you all had lunch yet? Surely you have."

"Yes, I fed the children. Lucy and Frank are watching a video and DJ is napping. Did you two eat?" Trish looked over at Mac and tried to hide her shock at her appearance. She hadn't seen her daughter in law in six months and she had changed quite a bit. She leaned forward to hug Mac, "How are you doing Mac? Feeling okay?"

"I'm tired," replied Mac. "But I'm doing okay."

"That's good to hear," Trish smiled. "Well, I better get back to the little one. He needed that nap but he fought me every step."

"Hmm, that's strange," said Harm. "That kid loves to sleep."

"Not today," Trish sighed and started back to the house. Mac reached for Harm's hand again.

He accepted her hand once again, looking at her this time and whispering "for my mom." He knew he had best get good at keeping up appearances for the next 48 hours or he'd have a hell of a lot of questions to answer; questions he didn't feel like going anywhere near.

Mac nodded and leaned towards him just a bit. "You promised me lunch, Sailor," she said even though she wanted to do anything but eat.

"Let's go see what's in the pantry," he said, his heart aching at the mention of her most often used pet name for him.

They walked inside hand in hand then he sat her down and ran down a list of what was in Grams' pantry. Mac decided on tuna salad but once it was made, she more moved it than ate it.

Harm tapped his fingers on the table in front of her. "Eat up," he said. "You need your strength right now."

"I'm just not hungry," she sighed.

"Try to get it down anyway," he said, trying to keep his tone just concerned enough to get through to her. "You're going to waste away to nothing."

Mac did pick up the fork and managed to force down more than half of the tuna salad. She didn't know what was wrong with her...It wasn't the condition or maybe it was, she didn't know anymore. More likely it was the medication but still the more she ate the sicker she felt.

He could see that she wasn't doing well, and he wished with all his heart that they were in a place emotionally that they could talk about whatever was wrong. He knew that wasn't the case, though, and he knew that if they even tried to talk and things got ugly, it would make an already difficult weekend so much worse. He wondered if she'd done as he'd asked in his note on Wednesday morning and had Bud or Sturgis begin drawing up divorce papers. Part of him figured she had and that's what was eating away at her. Part of him thought maybe she hadn't, and that she was afraid he'd be upset when he found out. He couldn't ask about any of that, though. Not here, not now.

"Harm!" Trish called from the other room just then. "Can you come here?"

He rose from the table and went to answer her.

"You see," Trish crooned to DJ who was squirming. "There's Daddy." To her son, "Sit down here with me, Honey."

Harm took a seat beside his mother on the sofa, and reached out to take his son.

"Did you and Mac finish the details? When's the first viewing?" Trish asked playing with her grandson's shoe.

"Tomorrow," he answered. "From 1300 to 1700, then again from 1900 to 2200."

"Any of your friends coming?" Trish asked. "Or did you want to keep it private?"

"Grams never wanted a big production," he said. "I called Bud and let him know what happened, and asked him to let anyone know who might be interested, but I don't know if anyone will come from DC."

"I'm sure some of them will come," Trish smiled. "Harm...what's wrong with Mac?" Trish asked her son. "She looks awful."

"She's been kind of overwhelmed lately," he replied, keeping his answer generic.

"She's skin and bones," Trish said with shock in her voice.

"No, mom," he said with a sigh. "She's lost a couple pounds maybe, but she's fine."

"She doesn't look fine. You see her all the time, you might not notice, but her clothes..." Trish shook her head.

"I know she's a little thinner than when you saw her last," he said. "But she's okay, honest. She's had a lot going on lately and she hasn't eaten enough. Once we get past...everything, her appetite will pick back up. Always does."

"I hope so," Trish sighed. "Well, I'll leave you to go to your wife. I'm sure you need her very much right now."

He took a moment to respond. "Yeah." He knew his mom was totally unaware of the demolition of his marriage, and now was clearly not the time to share that sad news with her.

"Daddy!" Lucy called out from the kitchen where she'd just gone to see her mother.

He rose from the couch, carrying DJ into the kitchen with him. "What, baby?" he asked Lucy.

"I want some tuna and Mommy..." She pointed at Mac who'd dozed off on her hand.

Harm smiled a bitter-sweet smile. Mac had always been beautiful to look at while she slept, but now there was a certain pain that seemed to overtake part of that beauty; a pain he had caused. Setting DJ down in a chair, he walked around to where Mac sat and gently touched her back. "Hey, wake up," he said softly so as not to startle her.

No such luck, she sat up like a rocket. "What!" she gasped breathing hard.

"Nothing, nothing," he said. "Calm down, you just fell asleep is all. Go lay in the bed for a few hours."

"No, I have to...maybe you're right," she said as she yawned. "Wake me for supper?"

"I will," he said, taking her tuna salad plate and sliding it over in front of Lucy. "Here you go, Button."

Mac slept while Lucy snacked. Later Harm and Trish made a lasagna, which to their delight Mac ate a good portion of. After supper the family discussed the finer points of the service until it was time to head in to bed. For Trish's sake, Harm and Mac found themselves hot bunking in Grams' old room.

Mac went in first, having showered and now lay waiting for Harm. He'd been good today, different, less sullen and she hoped they'd talk a bit.

Harm finished his shower and his bedtime ritual about 15 minutes later, and joined Mac in the bed. He laid flat on his back at first, afraid to look at her for fear one of them would say the wrong thing. He should have known it wouldn't work.

"Harm?" said Mac reluctantly. "Can we talk, please?"

"I'm not sure that'd be a good idea," he replied, his gaze unmoving.

"I think we can keep the assaults to a minimum," she said genuinely. "I…we can't go through the next two days and not talk. I know you don't want your mom or Frank or anyone else to figure out that things aren't good between us, but if we don't talk some of this out that's exactly what's going to happen."

He turned to face her cautiously. "Okay. What do you want to talk about?"

"How about this? What's happened?" Mac suggested. "Let's try and leave the other issues for a later time."

He sighed. "I don't have much to say about this, really," he said. "I lost my grandmother. I'm sad. It hurts. Not much more to it."

"But how are you dealing with it?" Mac asked. "You seemed kind of up today. I guess I want to make sure you are actually dealing with it."

"I'm dealing with it," he said. "It doesn't seem real yet, though. I'm sure tomorrow will change that." He was dreading the viewing, and even more so the actual funeral and internment which was scheduled for Monday morning.

"It might not seem real until after," Mac said. "It didn't with Dad and I was there when he died. Harm..." She wanted to tell him she was there, to lean on her, but she was scared of his reaction.

"I don't have anything more to say about it," he said flatly. "If you want the details of the innermost workings of my heart right now, I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed."

"I just want you to know I'm here, that's all," she said softly. "I don't want you to cry alone like you did yesterday. When you're ready, I am here."

"But you can't be here," he said plainly, meaning that people in the midst of impending divorce can't be there for each other. He knew she'd understand his implication.

"Yes I can," she countered as she reached out to touch his arm just slightly.

He willed himself to look her in the eye, not pulling away from her touch but, as befoe, not reciprocating it. "No, you can't. Those days are over."

"No they aren't," Mac corrected. "I never said that."

"I guess I must have misinterpreted what you meant when you said you 'don't even like' the person I've become." His tone was still level, but the possibility of things spinning out of control was definitely there.

"Well I don't," Mac replied. "You're moody, withdrawn, spiteful, and petty more times than you aren't...but the times when you aren't you over compensate," Mac told him, trying to keep the tone even.

"No, I don't," he said. "Discounting the stuff we're not discussing right now, how have I over compensated?"

"Like last weekend," Mac replied. "Things were pretty sour between us then but you...the knight in shining armor. Not that I didn't love every minute of it...I love those times even though I'm sick because those are the times I know you still..." Her voice caught and she stopped.

He knew what she was going to say. "Still love you," he said. He did still love her, he loved her so much more than she could possibly hope to know. That's what made everything between them so much harder, and it's what made the knowledge that he'd have to deal with their divorce in the coming weeks all the more sickening.

She nodded her head then. "Things are so bad now...I want to do so many things say so many things to you but I can't because you're not really here. I saw some of the old Harm today, but he's gone now and Mr. Hyde has returned in his place."

"No, he hasn't," said Harm. "I did what I had to today to get through what had to be done. I'm not happy, I'm not okay and I'm not handling any of this very well. You know that; you've known me plenty long enough to know that I can fake my way through a lot of things like this. I can't handle my mom or Frank figuring out that things are bad between us right now, so for everyone's sake I'm doing the best I can to paste a smile on when it's warranted and keep my feelings under control. Being here doesn't change what's going on between us, Mac. We're just setting aside one hardship to deal with another."

Mac softened again at his admission. "I do know you. I know that you're hurting and you could use some comfort. And I want to give it to you, please let me do that," she softly requested.

He shook his head. "No."

"Please?" she asked again. "Just for the night."

Again, he shook his head.

"Have it your way," she sighed and rolled on her side. "What time do we have to get up?"

"By 0900," he said. "I want to make sure everything is set for the viewing in plenty of time."

"I got a phone call earlier. The Admiral, General and Mrs. Cresswell, Bud, Mic, and the SecNav are all arriving at 1130," Mac told him.

"That's nice," he said sincerely, his eyes once again staring up at the ceiling.

"I thought so. Also, I don't want to take the kids to the viewing," Mac said.

"I don't either," he said. "But what choice do we have?"

"Mic could watch them," she suggested. "They like him. The second half the Admiral can stay with them."

Harm cringed at the thought of Mic baby-sitting his children, but given the circumstances he didn't see any better alternatives. "If they're willing, okay."

"I think they need to go to the funeral though," Mac continued. "At least Lucy needs to say goodbye. DJ doesn't understand."

Harm sighed. "It won't be a long service," he said. "I think they'll do okay, and if not maybe we could have someone they know and like on stand-by to take them out of the funeral home. It wouldn't exactly do for you or I to get up and leave."

"You know if Lucy freaks she's going to want you," Mac told him.

"I know," he said softly. "I guess we'll deal with whatever happens."

"I'm getting pretty tired," Mac said then. "Goodnight."

"'Night," he said, rolling over to face the wall beside the bed. Tomorrow was going to be a very long day.

And it was. The group from DC arrived precisely on time and Mic and the Admiral were more than happy to take the shifts with the kids. When they went into the viewing room Harm held onto Mac. She began to cry when she saw Grams and he cuddled her as much for comfort as for appearances.

Somehow he made it through both viewing sessions and countless inane conversations without shedding a tear. He even made it through Lucy and DJ's pictures that the Admiral had them draw for Grams. He wasn't sure how he did that, for the pain was unbearable.

Mac took the kids up to bed while Harm and Trish talked over coffee. Well Trish had coffee, Harm had whiskey and coffee. Strong whiskey, to dull his pain.

Mac went to bed near midnight, and Harm promised to come up soon. But when Mac awoke with pain in her back and reached out to him as she always did she found he'd still not joined her.

Carefully Mac went downstairs. She could hear noise down there, a familiar one too, of glass shaking against glass. She went to the kitchen and saw Harm drinking the amber liquid in shots. Slowly she approached and took the bottle from him. "Enough."

"Get lost," he said, reaching for the bottle.

She moved it back out of his reach. "No," she said firmly. "Come on come to bed this isn't helping anything."

"Only because you took it away from me!" he said.

"Ssh," she hushed him. "The children are sleeping. Now come on, you've had enough."

"Have not," he said. "And who are you to tell me what to do? Like you've never had a drink after a bad day?"

"No, I have," she agreed. "And it ruined my life, years were wasted. You don't need this, Harm. You have me and your family, and we care for you so much. Come on," she urged.

Realizing that she wasn't going to give the bottle back, he slowly rose from his chair and walked towards the stairs as Mac followed behind him.

"Straight to the bed, Sailor," she urged. "You just sit and let me take care of you, okay?"

"I can take care of myself," he spat.

"Not like this you can't," Mac replied. "You can't even walk straight. Left turn."

"Stop telling me what to do!" he said angrily, the alcohol bringing his lesser-liked qualities to the forefront.

"Ssh," Mac hissed. "Do you want to wake the children? It took me forever to get them to sleep."

Mumbling a couple choice words under his breath, Harm walked the remainder of the way to Grams' old room in silence, flopping down onto the bed as soon as he reached it.

"Shoes off," Mac said as she began to undo the laces on his shoes.

He didn't fight her on it; figuring if she wanted to take his shoes off, let her do it.

Once both of his shoes were off, Mac took on of his feet and removed the sock. Once his foot was bare she started to rub it gently.

"Don't," he whined as the effects of the shots really hit him. "Wanna go to sleep..."

"Not yet," Mac said laying his foot down on the bed. "You have a lot of drinking to do, Mister. Take off the rest of your clothes and I'll be right back."

"Drink," he mumbled. "First ya tell me no, now ya tell me yes. Make up your mind."

"Water," she told him. "Lots of it or you won't be able to function tomorrow. And the egg and tomato juice right behind it. We have to get the alcohol out of your system," she said in a very business like tone. Harm had only been drunk a few times but each time he was...he was a lousy drunk, emotional and unpredictable just look at...the last time.

"Maybe I don't feel like functioning tomorrow," he said as he tried to get his pants off. He was drunk, no doubt about that, but he was certainly coherent enough to be angry with Mac for trying to help him. He'd been drinking to forget what tomorrow held in store, and she didn't seem to understand that - either that, or she understood and didn't care.

"I know you don't but you've got to," Mac told him firmly. "If for no one else than..than Grams."

He thought for a moment about what Grams would say to him if she could see him right then; see him drunk and in pain. He knew she'd tolerate it even less than Mac was, and she'd be even more disappointed in him than he was in himself. With a sigh, he half-heartedly began to unbutton his shirt.

"I'll be back in a minute," Mac told him. "Don't leave this room I don't want our children seeing you like this."

"Yeah, yeah..." he muttered, throwing his shirt across the room and flopping backwards onto his pillow.

Mac was seething as she went down the steps to get a huge half gallon bottle of water and some aspirin. How could he do this? On the eve of his grandmother's funeral. Sarah Rabb had never drunk, had never condoned it, and would surely thrash Harm's bottom for it. Mac wanted to do that...She hated him drunk...She hated seeing anyone she loved in enough pain to be drunk like that, but he was...in pain that is, pain she caused. She only hoped her anger at him for his actions would stay checked so she didn't make things worse, now that that was too likely.

"I'm supposed to drink all that?" he asked as she returned to the bedroom. "Shit, I'll be up all night."

"This is only stage one," Mac began. "Drink up. And take these." She handed him four pills, two were Tylenol, and he wasn't sure what the other two were.

He popped the pills and took a big swig of water. "What're you doping me up with?" he asked, his eyes showing every sign of the alcohol in his system and the pain in his heart.

"Aspirin and vitamin C," Mac replied. "That will keep you from passing out once I give you the next course of treatment," she told him. "You will be a respectable looking officer, grandson, father and husband tomorrow, one way or the other."

"Whatever" he said, his voice one of a very sad, tired man. "Can we skip all this crap and just go to sleep?"

"No," Mac insisted. "You're being drunk has always been good for one thing and while I rid you of that poison...we're going to talk."

"Not in a talking mood, Mac" he warned as she pointed to the water bottle and insisted he take another swallow. "I'm not in the mood to guzzle the freaking Atlantic Ocean either!"

"No, you've all ready tried that," Mac sighed. "Its either that and the egg remedy or I get your Mom and you know what she's going to give you," Mac threatened. "Drink."

He rolled his eyes and tried to raise the bottle to his lips again, but his shaky hands made the task almost impossible. "Get me a smaller bottle, would you?" he spat.

"Nope, let me help you," Mac said and took the large bottle and helped him raise it to his lips. "Small sips." She ordered when he started to choke on the water.

"Now I remember why I hate getting drunk around you," he coughed.

"No, you just like getting drunk with strangers," Mac said softly. She needed to say that, but she prayed her didn't hear her.

Of course, he did. "Like hell I do!" he replied.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, tipping the bottle again.

He pushed it away. "I know exactly what you're talking about, and you know damn good and well I did not set out to get drunk with her! Besides, she's not a stranger."

"Drink that water," she said and tipped the bottle to his lips again, choosing the ignore his comment about Annie.

He snatched the bottle from her hands. "I can do it myself!" His hands were still too shaky, though, and the water ended up all over Mac's clothes, soaking her from top to bottom.

Mac slid back off the bed, the cold water soaking through her. "Damn it!" she swore. "Look what you've done."

"Well if the damn bottle wasn't so big!" he spat.

"If you weren't so drunk..." She returned as they heard a loud, harsh "Daddy!" from Lucy's room.

At the sound of his daughter's call, he cast the half-empty bottle aside and began to stand up. "Coming, Lucy," he said, too softly for the child to hear him.

"You're not going near her like this," Mac ordered. "Our children will not be subjected to this." This as it came again, "Daddy! Daddy!"

"She wants me and I'm going to her!" he said, trying to walk around Mac as she blocked his exit.

Mac stood fast and pushed at him to keep him back. "You will not...subject our daughter to this," she said deathly quiet. "You want to you'll have to get through me. I will not have her living my life." She called to Lucy, "Mommy's coming, Honey." Lucy continued to scream though, "Daddy!" in her sleep.

"She wants me, damn it!" he said, still trying to walk around her. "She probably wants to be held, something you can't do!"

"I can most certainly hold my daughter," Mac shot back. "Why can't I? What's that supposed to mean?"

Lucy's cries had stopped then, large footsteps having passed their room. They knew who'd gone to her, AJ. And soon he'd be here to lay them out.

"Oh, I don't know," he said harshly. "Maybe that I never know what the hell you are and aren't capable of doing anymore! Heaven forbid we catch you on the wrong day of the month!"

"You son of a bitch," Mac hissed. "You know how much I hate that. You know how much I suffer because of this and...How dare you say something..."

"You're not the only one who suffers with that, Mac!" he said in a tone he very seldom used on anyone he didn't purely detest. He was hurting so badly that night. The alcohol made a difficult situation worse, but even without it the pain and the fear of Grams' funeral and burial combined with the divorce would have pushed him to the edge.

"No, I'm just the one who can't move five days a month sometimes more. I'm the one who can't tend her kids, or her husband's needs. I'm the one who can't have anymore babies," she counted off. "I'm the one who is so sick to her stomach that I can't even eat and you dare use that as a weapon."

Before Harm could think of a reply, AJ appeared at the door with a very pissed off expression on his face.

"Attention!" he said, his tone indicative of his disgust.

On autopilot Harm and Mac both snapped to attention and faced their red faced former CO and friend.

He stepped into the bedroom and stood within inches of them, his eyes wide with anger and disbelief. "What is the meaning of this?" he asked. "Your daughter is down there crying for her father and I come up here and find you two in the middle of some damn pissing contest! Commander, explain!"

"She wouldn't let me go, Sir," Harm explained the alcohol on his breath quite potent.

AJ glared at him. "You're drunk. Are you out of your ever loving mind?"

"Sir," Mac tried to cover. "Its my fault. I..."

"Quiet, Colonel" said their former CO, not moving his eyes off of Harm. "I believe the Commander has some more explaining to do, such as why he said the things he said to you, because I for one and just dying to hear his justification for throwing his wife's illness in her face!"

"That's what she does to me, all fair in love and war, such as it is," Harm replied his tone cynical. He even had the alcohol induced nerve to smirk.

"Son, you best wipe that smirk off your face and you best do it now" instructed AJ. "I don't know what's going on with you two, and right now I don't much care, but you've got a very important day ahead of you in less then 10 hours, and I suggest you both find a way to get past your problems before then!"

"We will, Sir," Mac said. "How is she?"

"She's fine now" he said, his tone easing up a little. "She had a night mare about you two and Grams' something about you both leaving and going to Heaven with Grams. I got her a glass of water and tucked her back in, so she should be okay the rest of the night, but you two...hell, who knows..."

"I'll fix him up," Mac told him. "He just needs to get the liquor out of his system. Then he'll be human." She shot a glare at him.

Harm simply rolled his eyes and looked away. He wasn't himself that night; not by any stretch of the imagination.

"I sure hope so," said AJ as he walked out of the room. He was very worried about the couple whom he'd come to love as his children. He didn't know what was wrong and, worse, didn't know how to fix it.

"Since when is it up to you to 'fix me'? Huh?" he hissed once they were alone again.

"Since I'm your wife," she replied. "I don't even know why I'm bothering though. You're a lousy drunk, a mean spiteful one too, and any remorse I had about what I said the other night. Gone. You hear me. I was beginning to think I didn't mean it, well I did," she hissed. "Every word."


	27. Chapter 27

See Chapter One for Disclaimers.

**A/N: Once again I'd like to thank you all for reviewing and thank my good friend and partner in crime Snugglebug for her help, inspiration, and encouragement. **

**To all those who have been repeating the mantra, this should help you out for now. **

**To those who feel Harm and Mac are out of character…If they'd made the choices they made at the point in which they made them they could very well be like this. Having kids and being married changes someone, and when that marriage is challenged by illness it changes people even moreso.**

**There have been observations made that Harm and Mac do not have a healthy marriage. They don't. They didn't learn how to because of the speed in which they married. They never did some essential things that are required to build a strong communicative relationship.**

**Once again I have to ask you all to bear with me. Things have been dark, but they may reach the clearing. However, before they emerge, it will get darker. Just remember the mantra. **

**I've also decided that, as so many of you have said you like the story and don't want it to end, that while this arc will end, the saga will not. There are in the works two more stories to follow.**

**Thanks again for reading. And never fear there are plenty more chapters in the future. Enjoy this one! I know it has been awaited.**

**A/N2: I will be changing my penname after this chapter to some version the mantra.**

"Sit still, please," Harm told Lucy as the child squirmed in her chair.

"I am," she said. "My shoe is hurting me." Lucy hated wearing dress shoes.

"We'll take it off as soon as we get in the car," whispered Mac as she held DJ in her lap. "We're almost done, I promise." Just then, the minister finished reciting the final words of the service, and the music began to play.

"See you there," he said to Mac before he left to join the other pall bearers. He'd hardly spoken to her all morning, just enough to get by. She let it go; she knew he was feeling horrible from his bender the evening before as well as their spat in the wee hours of the morning, and burying Grams was going to be unbelievably hard for him to get through.

The burial was very emotional for everyone in attendance. Mac sat in the front row of folding chairs, DJ in her lap and Lucy beside her. Trish and Frank were next to Lucy, and the folks from JAG filled the row behind them. The rest of the crowd of nearly 50 people, most of them knowing Grams' from living in Bellville for so many years, were scattered about the covered area next to the freshly-dug grave

The minister spoke for only a couple more minutes before reciting a final prayer and bringing the service to a close. Some people stayed to speak to the family, others left. Harm wanted to stay until everyone else had departed; he wanted a minute alone with the woman he'd loved his whole entire life. Mac took the children back to the limo they'd ridden to the cemetery in and watched from the window as Harm laid one hand upon the casket while wiping away his tears with the other. When he was finished, he pulled his aviator sunglasses out of the pocket of his dress whites, put them on and walked stoically back to the pall bearers limo. He's succeeded in getting past the funeral and the burial, but the day was far from over.

People were everywhere once the got back to the house. Neighbors, colleagues, even a few childhood friends milled about bringing food and cards in Grams' memory. Harm greeted every one of them with a handshake and a smile, nothing in his demeanor betraying the pain in his heart. He watched Mac and his mother talking, he saw her cry a bit on his Mom's shoulder, and as much as he wanted to go to her, he couldn't. She didn't want him anymore. She hated every breath he took, she didn't care what happened to him, no one really cared, the only one was Grams' and now she was gone and he was all alone. Even Lucy rejected him earlier when he went to hug her in favor of Mic's antics instead of his heart felt love.

Slowly but surely the people drifted out, until finally no one was left but Harm, Mac and their children. She'd fed them and was upstairs bathing them when Harm decided to go to bed. If he was sleeping he couldn't hurt he rationalized and that's really what he wanted, an end to the pain.

"Finally," Mac thought to herself as Lucy fell asleep to her mother's soft singing. "This day is finally over." She went to the bathroom then decided that the last thing she or Harm needed was round three. It would be best for all if she just slept on the couch. She remembered Harm told her Grams kept the linens in the hall closet. She'd just get a blanket and drop out, she was so exhausted.

Harm lay in bed alone, mentally and physically exhausted but unable to close his eyes. This had been one of the worst days of his life, on the heels of several of the worst weeks of his life, and he wasn't sure how much more he could take. It seemed like everyone he loved was leaving him in some manner or another. One of them left him because it was, apparently, her time to leave this earth. Another would be leaving him as soon as the divorce papers were filed, all because of his horrendous mistake in Mexico. He felt so...lost, so totally and completely lost, and he didn't think his heart could stand any more hurt. Gripping the pillow beside him - the one Mac should have been using - he let out the gut wrenching sobs that he'd held inside all weekend.

When Mac heard the sobbing begin she at first was tempted to leave it go. He needed to cry and let his heart heal, and if he'd really wanted her there he'd call for her or come to her like he always did when he was sad or in pain or even when he was sick. He always wanted her there with him, even in the darkest hours of his life...when he'd learned of his father's death he'd wanted her, he'd held onto her so tight...now he was pushing her away.

She'd said she'd hated him, but that wasn't true, what she hated was how he was treating her, how he kept her out, since she'd been sick more so, but even through their entire marriage he'd done so on some level, now though that extended to his times of need and that's what she truly hated. It hit her then what she was feeling; she was hating him for...for hating her.

He cried like he hadn't cried in a very long time, over all the wrongs in his life. He was to blame, entirely to blame, for the situation with Mac, and he knew it. He'd lashed out at her mercilessly as of late, and he hated himself for it. Last night was the absolute worst; throwing her illness in her face like it was something she'd chosen to take on. He'd known all day he needed to apologize for that, but he hadn't been able to face her. He realized then, that when things had gotten so bad that facing his wife or crying on her shoulder were things he couldn't do, life just couldn't get any worse. "I'm sorry, Mac..." he sobbed as he clutched the pillow. "I'm sorry..."

Mac was about to leave and head downstairs. If he wanted her he could ask for her, not like he even would, he didn't have a use for her anymore. As a tear of defeat slipped down her cheek however she heard a muffled sound that sounded like "Mac." That was all she needed, that small bit of hope before she rushed into the room. "I'm here, Harm," she whispered softly and went to his side.

He realized she was there, but couldn't' let go of the pillow or get himself under control enough to acknowledge her.

"Harm," Mac said again. "Harm, look at me, Baby."

"I can't," he sobbed. "I..."

"Yes, you can," she encouraged. "Yes you can. Come on out of the pillow and look at me."

She was there and she wasn't yelling at him, that was a plus in his mind. Slowly, he got himself under control and lifted his head to look at her as his chin continued to quiver.

Mac reached out a hand and gently stroked his cheek, "Good. Good." She smiled a bit at him then, "It hurts doesn't it?" she asked.

He nodded as another wave of tears came over him. He clutched the pillow again and went to hide his face once more.

"No, no no," Mac scolded gently. "No more hiding, Sweetie. Talk to me. Come on. I'm here," she told him. "You can come here, its okay." To illustrated she scooted closer and opened her arms.

He somehow managed to look up at him. "You must hate me so much," he cried. "Last night..."

"Ssh," Mac crooned. "Ssh. Don't talk about that. Not yet, just let it all go, Honey." She patted her chest. "You rest your head here and let it all go. I know you can," she urged. "Come on. Let it go."

He wasn't sure if he deserved to be treated so nicely by the woman he'd been such a creep to less than 24 hours earlier, but he was in so much agony he couldn't refuse the offer of literally crying upon her shoulder. He crawled closer to her, rested his head upon her and kept the tears flowing.

Mac couldn't resist placing a kiss on his temple as she held him closer. She rocked him for a solid five minutes before she instructed, "Start talking, Sailor. I thought you were doing okay. That's what you said."

He shook his head. "I lied," he said with a sniff. "I'm dyin' here, Mac."

"Tell me," she urged. "Tell me Baby. Talk to me."

He tried to formulate the thoughts and feelings that were raging about inside him into words, but he couldn't begin to do it. "I..." he began. "It's..." The tears came again. "I can't talk about it," he cried, laying his head on her shoulder once more.

Mac let him snuggle a bit more before she tried again. "Remember when we were in Arizona and I got bitten by that rattler?" she asked him as she rocked.

"Remember how scared I was...how much pain I was in and how weak I was getting?" she continued.

Again, he nodded, this time moving a bit closer into her embrace. It felt strange to be there, but it was comforting.

"Do you remember what you did?" she asked him. This time he had to speak.

"Drained out the poison," he said softly. "With a pen knife."

"Do you remember what I did when I saw what you were about to do?" she asked.

"Panicked," he answered, his breathing erratic from crying so hard for so long. "Asked me not to."

"More like begged," Mac laughed. "And do you remember what you said to me."

"That it was what you needed," he said. "To stop the pain and...to save your life."

"Well that's what you need," Mac told him. "You need to get rid of the poison. That's the only way the pain's going to stop. Now I'm here, and I'm going to help you...but you have to drain the poison. Start with the worst and let it flow. I won't let go, I promise."

He was silent except for his staggered breathing and the occasional sob as he recounted everything that was burdening him. As before, the ability to formulate his feelings into communicable words was gone. "I can't talk about it...we never..." he cried. "We never talked about this stuff, and I don't know how..." He was on the brink of falling victim to another wave of sadness, another bout of tears.

"You can't tell me what's hurting the worst?" she asked. "What is it that pushed you to tears, Harm? I know you know, now say it. Say it out loud, release it. Come on."

"Everyone I love is leaving me!" he cried, burying his face into her shoulder.

"Oh, Sweetie, no," she crooned to him. "I...Your Mom is here and Lucy and DJ. All your friends came to see you and to help you and...I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

"Yes, you are," he cried. "We're finished and I know that now, and it hurts...so bad..."

"Harm..." She pulled back from him out of his reach. "Tell me about the hurt. Talk it out. Come on."

"I can't talk about it," he insisted, still crying his heart out. "Look at you though, pushing me away when you said you wouldn't let go..."

"I'm not pushing you away, Sweetie," she told him. "I'm moving because I need you to do something. Lie on your stomach," she instructed. "Come on."

By then his head was pounding, and he welcomed the chance to lie down. With a slight nod and a slight break in the tears, he did as she asked.

Mac pulled the covers down and exposed his back to her view. She touched his neck, his shoulders, all the way down his spine. "Does it hurt here?" she asked him running her hand over his neck muscles.

"Yes," he answered quietly, his breathing still far from controlled.

"What pain is here?" she asked as she touched him, gently rubbing the tension out. "What are you holding in here?"

"Grams," he said, his voice cracking. "I didn't get to say goodbye."

"Yes you did," Mac told him. "You said goodbye today like we all did. And she knew you loved her. She knows you still do." Mac rubbed his neck softly until the tension released. She moved to his shoulders, "How do your shoulders feel? Pain in there?"

"Mm-hmm," he said. "Lucy."

"What about Lucy?" Mac asked him as she worked on his right shoulder. "What about her is hurting you?"

"She's stuck in the middle of our problems," he said tearfully. "She doesn't want me like she used to, doesn't...doesn't seem to need me because she's so mad at me."

"It was you she was crying for last night, and it was you who pushed her away when she tried to crawl onto your lap at the service," Mac told him. "You're her hero, Harm. She loves you. You know she does."

"Then why did she want to be with Mic today instead of giving me a hug?" he asked, the pain of his words nearly crushing him.

"Because she's five," Mac told him. "And she needed a little break. She's scared Harm."

"I know she is," he answered as he took a deep breath. "I am, too."

"What are you scared of, Baby?" Mac asked as she moved to his other shoulder. "Is it of whatever you are holding in here? What's in here?"

"Us," he said, unable to hide the crack in his voice. "What used to be us."

"Why do you say it like that?" Mac asked him as she started to work on that knot. It was the tightest of them all.

"'Cause I'm scared of never having that again," he cried softly. "It's over and it's because of me."

Mac pressed the heel of her hand into his knotted flesh, "Why do you say it's over? Its not."

"It is though," he cried. "We can't keep going like this, that's why I left the note..."

"Did you mean the note?" she asked on the verge of tears.

He cried a little harder. "No, but I didn't see any other way..."

Mac's voice cracked, "So you don't want a divorce?" she asked. "You...you still want...me? Us?" she asked, stopping her touch on his body to cover her mouth as she began to cry with relief.

He rolled over to face her, still crying as he did so. "Yes. All I've ever wanted is to get back to before...I don't want to lose you..."

"You didn't lose me," she told him. "I thought..." She cried harder herself, matching him sob for sob.

"I thought we were over," he cried. "I thought therapy would help but it didn't and...all we do is fight and we can't talk without getting angry..."

"Yes we can," she whispered moving closer. "We always did. Talk to me Harm. Come on."

"We've tried," he replied softly, still very emotional. "We end up fighting every time, and I can't...I can't take any more fighting right now."

"We never used to fight," Mac whispered leaning still closer. "You and I...we never used words. We never needed to. Come on now, you know how to talk to me." To illustrate she leaned over and placed a kiss on his lips just a tiny one.

He leaned into her kiss, breaking it a moment later. "We're not supposed to do this," he whispered.

"We need to do this," she countered. "I need you and I know you need me." She touched his chest lightly.

"I want to," he said, touching her hand as it rested over his heart. "But it'll hurt you."

"If it happens I'll have you to take care of me, won't I?" she asked him rubbing his chest gently, holding his gaze intently the memory of his words the previous night still burned into her mind.

"Of course I will. That's all I ever want to do," he replied, tears still streaming down his face. "But not because I caused you pain."

"I know, but...that pain…that pain you can't fix...It's there everyday...everyday I hurt, even if it's just a little. This pain..." She touched her own heart, "This you can fix."

"Are you sure?" he asked softly as he reached out to caress her leg.

She nodded slowly. "If...if...you'll be here. I can take it knowing that. But I need you so badly and more than that you need me. Don't you?"

He swallowed hard as a fresh wave of tears lay on the horizon. "I do." He placed his hands on her face, bringing her close for another kiss.

Mac leaned into Harm's kiss opening her mouth a bit. She breathed into his mouth, giving him her life, her love directly into his aching body. He shuttered at the touch, so starved he was for attention and affection. She broke the kiss and moved her mouth to his cheek. She kissed there and moved up to his eyelids, placing one kiss on each one. "I love you," she said with her body and her words.

He wrapped his arms around her, gently rubbing across her back as he pulled her nearer. "I'm the same man I was on Tuesday," he said softly. "The one you said you didn't like, but I love you, too." He leaned down and placed a kiss on the spot where her shoulder met her neck.

She kissed the tip of his nose, "I didn't mean that. I wanted to hurt you that's all. I was hurt and I wanted to hurt you back. I'm so sorry I said those things. I didn't mean them. Do you believe that?"

"Yes," he replied, showing the slightest hint of a smile. "I do." He gently rolled her onto her back and found her mouth with his own, engaging her in a sweet, tender kiss.

Mac shifted under his weight not accustomed to it anymore.

He quickly lifted himself off of her. "I'm hurting you, aren't I?" he asked, his hand rubbing her cheek.

"No," she smiled at his tenderness. "I'm just not used to you anymore." She reached her arms around his back and pressed him closer.

They kissed again, this time for a couple of minutes before he pushed himself up off of her again and slipped his hand underneath her shirt, one of his old ones, as she often wore to bed even after things had gone sour. He massaged her abdomen softly, not realizing until then how much he missed doing that.

Mac moaned under that gentle touch. It was so rare she felt anything there but pain, this was a lovely change. As Harm moved his hand higher along her rib cage he froze.

"What?" Mac sighed, crying out at the loss of sensation.

"Just thinking about how long it's been since we've done this," he answered. "I don't want to go too fast; I want to remember every second with you."

"Touch me..." she told him. "Touch my breasts. Touch...touch my stomach again."

"As you wish, my love," he whispered, resuming his actions on her stomach, moving higher up and finding her breasts. "Feel okay?" he asked as he moved his fingers about.

"Wonderful," she breathed. "Why did you touch me there?" she asked as she moved her legs up and down against his.

"Because you like it," he said. "Because I like it."

"I think that's the most wonderful feeling," she gasped. "Both hands."

"Both hands here?" he asked, gently raking his fingertips over the top of her breasts,

"No," she moaned. "No."

"How about here?" he asked, moving them slowly back down towards her stomach.

She shuttered under that touch. "Yes," she cried. "Oh yes. I want…I want you to give me a baby Harm," Mac gasped as she relished in the gentleness of his caress. "Please…I need it. We need it."

"Yeah, we do," he whispered, his breathing still heavy, only now for a much different reason. "Can we try yet, though? I don't want to hurt you, Mac."

"It always hurts me, Baby," Mac replied in truth. "I have to gage it now and what would hurt more and...and not having you now...not having our baby...that would be far worse than any physical pain that may result."

He brushed her hair away from her forehead and leaned in to drop a feather-light kiss there. "Then let's give it a try," he said softly. "Let's see if we can create our miracle."

Mac eyes filled with tears at his words. She lifted her hips so that he knew she was indeed ready to try and create this with him. "It's not only the baby that will be the miracle," she whispered as he eased her bottoms down over her hips. "The real miracle will be..." She had to stop as a sob caught in her throat.

"If we can find each other again," she whispered through her tears. "I'm so lost," she whispered.

He nodded as he teared up a bit himself. "I know the feeling. I've been hopelessly lost without you these last few weeks, Mac." As he spoke, he gently ran his hand across her abdomen.

"Find me," she told him. "Come find me and maybe you'll find yourself."

With a nod, he carefully leaned back down to find her mouth and kiss her passionately, yet tenderly. After a moment, he pulled away just enough to speak. "I'll be so careful," he whispered. "But you tell me if it hurts you."

She nodded, "I will," she promised. "I will. Are you sure you're okay to do this?" she asked him gently.

He kissed her left collarbone three times, and then worked his way down the front of her neck. "I am," he answered. "Unless you're not sure? We don't have to if..." He wanted to make love to her more than anything he could think of at that moment, but if she had any doubts, he didn't want to force her to do it.

"I'm sure," she replied. "I just want to make sure this is love and not...not a way to kill the pain."

"Mac, baby," he said, leaning down to kiss the right collarbone three times, as he'd done to the left one a moment earlier. "Nothing in the world can kill the pain I've been in for the past couple of months, and right now nothing would be more painful than not being here with you. This just feels so...right."

"It does," she replied running her hands over his back. "I need you so much, Harm. You still love me, don't you? Even in spite of all the things I said last week?"

"In spite of all those things," he said, sliding his hands around her back. "I love you like crazy. You're my whole world, Mac; and that'll never, ever change."

Mac craned her neck upward and kissed him soundly, "Time to prove that then," she whispered huskily against his soft lips.

"Gladly," he replied, his voice low and sexy. He placed both hands upon her breasts once again, caressing them gently. "Like that, sweetheart?' he asked.

"Mmhmm," Mac moaned softly. "Feels so good." She took one hand and slipped it down his back and around until she could touch him and feel his excitement. She placed her hand underneath his waist band and gently she tugged at him, arousing him, for she wanted this for him as much as for herself.

He drew in a deep breath at the feel of her hands on his body. "That's nice," he whispered, leaning down to kiss the valley in between her breasts, something she always enjoyed.

"So's that," she gasped out. "I only have one complaint."

"Oh, do tell me what it is," he said in his deepest voice. "So I can make it right."

"There are still barriers between us," Mac said with a half a smile that left little room for interpretation.

"Allow me a moment," he said, his smile mirroring hers as he slid off the bed and quickly rid himself of his pajama pants and his boxers. "Better, my love?" he whispered into her ear as he rejoined her on the bed.

"Thank you," she gasped out. "I don't know how much I can..."

"Shh...shh," he sad as he ran his fingers over her stomach, gently feeling her rib cage. "Try to relax; let's take it slow, like we used to, and I'll take care of you just like always."

"I know you will," Mac replied. "Make love to me," she whispered. "Please."

"I could never say 'no' to such a beautiful request," he said, again wrapping his arms around her body and melding his mouth to hers. The kiss began gentle, grew deeper and more intense as the seconds drew on, then returned to slow and sweet as he pulled back. "I love you so much," he said as he stared into her eyes.

"I love you too," Mac replied as she shifted beneath him again. "So very much."

He slid his body down a little bit and began working on her breasts with his mouth, something else she'd always liked.

"Harm," Mac gasped as he slowly tortured her. "Harm..."

"Hmm?" he asked as he continued his ministrations.

"I...can't..."she gasped as his tongue flicked at her nipples.

"In due time, baby," he said, pausing from his work on her breasts to look up and into her eyes. "They say the best things in this world are worth waiting for. I'll get there; don't you worry."

Mac nodded. This was slow torture, painfully so...but she loved him and she wanted him to show her he loved her too.

As he continued to kiss her navel, he slowly slipped one finger inside her body, moving it as gently as he'd ever done. He did that because she loved it, and it was somewhat of a gauge for him of if the experience was going to be terribly painful for her or not.

Mac sighed when she felt his long finger enter her. So far so good. "Nice," she gasped.

"That's good," he said huskily, moving about inside her very carefully, knowing that this didn't mean the encounter would be pain-free for her, but this was further than they'd sometimes gotten in the past.

"No more," she sighed as she felt him checking and rechecking. "No more."

He froze. "It hurt?" he asked, hoping he hadn't caused her pain.

"No," she replied. "I just...I want you inside me. I want to feel you."

"Then that's what you'll feel," he said as he shifted his body over hers a little. He patted her right leg, "Move this just a bit, baby."

Mac did as he asked lifting her legs to give him better access to her opening. "Go slow," she requested as she prepared herself for what was to come.

"I will," he said softly. "But if it hurts you, tell me and I'll stop." With infinite care and loving concentration, he began to join his body with hers.

He did go slow, so slow that speed was almost painful. He inched his way inside, giving her time to adjust to his length and his width. Still in spite of his care and gentleness the higher he moved the more she ached. She lifted her hips against his, shifting a bit. Harm took this as encouragement and pressed down a bit harder. Mac bit her lip, "No, no. Go lighter," she told him.

"I'm sorry," he said, knowing he'd caused her discomfort. He focused even more of going as slow as he possibly could.

After a few more adjustments and only two tears, they were able to find a rhythm and angle that gave them both pleasure. Even at the slow pace, Harm was able to reach a satisfying climax and Mac...she was able to as well, suffering relatively little pain until the very end and even then it was of no real consequence.

"Hmm," she made that tiny sound as Harm leaned against her spent and tired.

"What, my love?" he asked nuzzling his face into he shoulder.

"Can you...It hurts a little," she said softly not wanting to alarm or upset him.

"Oh, baby, I'm so sorry," he said earnestly, instantly going into protective husband mode as he shifted his body again. "Should I move fast or slow? Which would hurt less?"

"Fast," she told him. "Get it over with."

He nodded and braced himself up with his elbows. "Here we go," he said, hoping he could move out of her without hurting her too badly.

Mac bit her lip as Harm moved out of her and off to her side. She bore it well, letting only a tiny moan escape her lips as she breathed deeply.

"I'm sorry," he said, caressing her cheek tenderly. "Other than that and a little in the beginning, did it hurt you?"

She shook her head, "Not too much. It was not very bad at all," she said with a smile. "In fact it was quite good. How are you feeling?" she asked softly.

He snuggled in even closer to her. "Happier than I've felt in a long time," he said. "That was good, wasn't it?" He rolled in a bit to kiss her shoulder.

"It was," she whispered. "Now you know what you have to do?"

"No," he replied softly. "What do I have to do?"

"You have to hold me all night," she told him. "Unless of course another lady needs attention tonight," Mac smiled settling into his embrace.

"If by 'another lady', you mean our little girl," he said. "Then you very well may have to share me, but aside from her, there's no one else I'd rather hold all night" he said, sliding one arm beneath her warm, soft body. "I've missed this so much. I want this back; all of it."

"Me too," she sighed and settled back against him. "Can you do what you were doing before?"

"Rubbing your tummy?" he asked, moving his hand and beginning to do just that.

"Yeah," Mac sighed. "It's nice to feel something there other than pain."

"I'm sure it is," he said. "Think we made our little miracle tonight?"

"I don't know," she replied honestly. "Even so...we connected, didn't we?"

"Mm-hmm, we sure did," he said. "For the first time in weeks. Of course, we weren't supposed to 'connect' this way - both Dr. Bradley and Commander Mc Cool will want our heads on platters if they find out."

"Bradley especially," Mac sighed. "Did I tell you what he said at Thursday's appointment?"

"Huh-uh," he said, rubbing slow, gentle circles across Mac's abdomen. "What'd he say?"

"More surgery," she replied. "The disease is advancing and my symptoms will get worse if I don't have another lap."

He sighed. "I kind of knew that was coming eventually," he said. "Any idea how soon?"

"Soon," Mac sighed. "Before my next cycle he prefers. He said I'd bleed into my stomach again if I don't. That's what happened last time and that's probably why I can't eat."

"God, Mac," he gasped. "If it's that bad, we shouldn't have done this... I'm sorry, I didn't know..."

"I didn't want you too," she replied. "I needed this and so did you."

Mac let out a tiny moan of pleasure as Harm continued to rub her belly. She was cramping a bit, but the touch of his warm strong hands made her relax. They lay in companionable silence, enjoying a closeness they hadn't enjoyed since things had gone awry. Just then they heard from their son, "Mommy!" he cried out the hint of tears in his little voice. "Mommy!"

"I'll go," said Harm. "You need to lay still for awhile, okay?"

"But he's calling me," Mac said beginning to sit up.

He gently put his hands on her shoulder and laid her back down. "Let me go see what's wrong," he said. "If he really wants you, I'll come get you."

"Okay," she said sleepily. "Can you get me a hot pack while you're up? I feel pretty good but I don't want a bad morning. Go to him first."

He paused to cup her chin with his hand. "I'm so sorry, baby. We shouldn't have to deal with trying to cut a bad morning off at the pass after we're together like this. I'll get your heat pack, though, and you can just lie still and relax."

With a sleepy smile Mac nodded, and watched as Harm slipped from the bed to answer their son's mounting wails.

"What's wrong, buddy?" he asked as he entered DJ's room, the night light in the corner the only illumination.

"Mommy!" DJ cried but reached his arms up for Harm anyway.

"Mommy's sleepy, son," said Harm as he took the crying child into his arms. "What's making you sad? Do you need a drink?"

The boy shook his head and snuggled next to his Daddy, not replying otherwise.

"DJ, tell Daddy what's wrong," Harm encouraged. "Then we can go back to sleep."

"No seep," the toddler mumbled. "Bannie go."

"Oh," Harm sighed as it dawned on him. "You can't find your blankie, huh? Well, let's look around. You want Daddy to find it?"

DJ snuggled close and nodded his little head up and down. Harm first looked in the bed and shook the covers around in case the blanket got tangled in with the sheets. When he didn't find it there he checked the floor around the bed and underneath. Finally, just as DJ was beginning to cry again Harm lifted the pillow and found it there. "Here it is," he said to his son. "Silly boy, you had it under your pillow."

DJ took the blanket from his dad and held it close, little eyes all ready drifting closed now that he had his favorite blanket back. By the time Harm had him laid down and tucked in, DJ was once again sound asleep. Placing a kiss on his son's head, Harm whispered, "I love you, Little Sailor. Sleep tight."

Harm stopped by the bathroom to get the heat pack Mac had asked for on his way back to the bedroom they were - finally - sharing in joyous peace. "Hey, baby," he said upon returning with the pack in hand. "I got the heat pack you wanted. Mac?"

"Mmm," she murmured and stirred only he eyes remained closed.

He knew she'd dozed off while he was away, but he also knew she needed the warmth of the heating pad against her tummy or the morning was almost guaranteed to be hell. "Baby, can I put this on your tummy?" he asked, lifting her blanket just a little.

"Yeah," she murmured still sleeping. "He okay?"

"He's fine," whispered Harm as he plugged the heating pad in to the outlet beside the bed and laid it upon her abdomen. "You still okay? You're not hurting too bad, are you?"

"Not too bad," Mac replied. "I'm sleepy though. Really sleepy."

"Go to sleep," he said as he pulled the covers back over her before going around to his side of the bed and crawling beneath them himself. "Can I hold you while you sleep?" he asked.

"Yeah," Mac replied as she snuggled close to him. "Maybe I'll actually get some," she said as she yawned.

"I sure hope you do," he said softly, leaning down to kiss the top of her head. "Tonight was so beautiful."

Mac mumbled something against his chest of which he only heard "Sorry though."

"What was that, baby?" he asked, placing his hand over the heating pad, feeling it just begin to heat up.

"Said, I'm still sorry though," she repeated.

"For what?" he asked, sliding his hand underneath the heating pad to make sure it wasn't making her skin too warm.

"This," she yawned. "That we had to...you had to hurt so bad to get here," she whispered.

He once more leaned in and kissed her head. "I know. I hate that we had to grow a billion miles apart before we got back to where we never should have left. I'm the one who started it, though, so please don't be sorry for that, baby."

Mac nodded weakly again, then pushed her exhaustion aside to force a promise from him. "I need you to promise me something," she said lifting up a bit so she could look at him.

"Of course," he said, sliding his hand out from beneath the heating pad.

"Promise me you'll never do what you did last night again," she told him. "No matter what. Promise me now."

With a nod, he gave her his solemn word. "I won't do that again, ever," he said. "I don't know what I was thinking; I knew better."

"Yes you did, and it was the second time, Honey," Mac told him as she shifted her position again to lie against him. "Soon it'll be the 22nd, then 42nd, then 202nd. Be careful. Talk it out, even if it's not to me. Don't do what I did, or my Dad. Please, Harm."

He pulled her even closer. "I won't do it again, babe. I promise. The last thing I want to do is crawl inside a bottle, for any reason. It won't happen again, I promise."

Mac gave a nod and as that worry lifted from her mind and heart, she felt her eyes close, her body relax, and her soul be enveloped in the peaceful oblivion of sleep.


	28. Chapter 28

See Disclaimers in Chapter One.

Enjoy!

Mac sat in Commander McCool's office waiting for their appointment time. She was early having left work ahead of time to make sure she was waiting when Harm arrived. There was no conceivable reason why, she just liked waiting for him. She liked to be home or wherever they were going and see him come in the doorway, it was like he was coming to her, and truth is he was.

At five minutes of five Harm walked in dressed in his winter blues. Mac looked up from her Child in Psychology magazine and immediately went to him touching a dark bruise on his cheek. "What happened?"

"Client got a little upset with me," he answered. "Apparently, he's not a gracious loser."

Mac frowned gently in sympathy, tracing the bruise lightly. "I'm sorry. How does he look?" she asked sliding her hand down his arm and taking his hand leading him to the row of chairs.

"Good in a bright orange jumpsuit, I hope," said Harm with a little smile. "Nah, I didn't hit him back; the MP's got to him before I got a chance."

Mac laughed lightly, "You wouldn't have anyway. Other than that how was your first day back?"

Harm and Mac had been given some bereavement leave. Mac three days after the funeral and Harm had one week. He had just started back.

"Okay, I suppose," he shrugged, and then lowered his voice and his eyes. "I missed you, though."

"Well I'm here now," Mac replied and reached to take his hand. "You didn't sleep again last night. I think we should talk about that today."

He sighed. "Maybe. I don't know." It was hard, in a way, for him to put his whole heart into being at Cmdr. McCool's office that afternoon. Things had gotten, he felt, a great deal better between he and Mac during those few days at Grams' place, and while he knew there were still any number of issues they had to work through and past, he really just wanted to skip it for one day.

"Hey," Mac smiled and reached out to touch his face. "I know you don't want to be here today but we missed all of last week. If we do okay this week we'll take a day or two off, deal?"

"Deal," he agreed, moving a little closer to her, which was something he hadn't felt able to do in the weeks preceding Grams' death, but now it just seemed so right.

"You know how to close a deal, Sailor?" she asked softly lifting her face so her lips were inches from his.

He smiled a bit, and then winced as he felt a twinge of pain in the bruise on his face. "Yeah, I do," he said. "But we're in public, so will you settle for a kiss?" He knew that's all she was talking about all along, but once again it just felt right to be romantically playful.

Mac leaned closer and set her lips to his, letting him kiss her softly. She reached up to put her arms around her neck when they heard, "Commander, Colonel?" come from the doorway. "Come on back."

Reluctantly they broke their kiss and Harm rose taking Mac's hand in his holding it while leading her back into the office.

"I think it's bound to creep into today's conversation," smiled Mac as she sat beside her husband, their hands still holding onto one another.

"Well, why don't you enlighten me as to what brought it on. Things seemed pretty sour when you left her last time," Vera sighed. "Commander, you can begin and Colonel you can follow."

Harm took a deep breath. "Well, as you know my grandmother passed away, and we spent a few days in Pennsylvania for the funeral and such. I think we just...I guess we found a way to reconnect up there. Maybe the sadness of losing Grams had something to do with it, maybe not, but as you saw earlier we're doing, uh, 'better' now than the last time you saw us."

"Good," the doctor replied. "Colonel?"

"I think...Harm and I had lost each other I think but the mutual loss...it just helped us see what was important I guess. I know we're not all better yet, but we're closer."

"Commander, you said "reconnect". Did anything specific do that for you?" she asked.

"Probably the grief," he said, doing his best to avoid the real answer.

She nodded, "And how did you deal with that? Did you let it go?" she asked. "You have to let these things go, it isn't healthy to internalize it."

"I cried," he said softly. "Quite a few times, actually. I cried when I found out she'd passed away, and I cried several times over the few days we spent at her place."

"Alone or with Sarah?" Vera asked looking at Mac silently holding Harm's hand in hers stroking it lightly, so much love in her eyes.

"Both," he admitted. "She didn't let me shut down." He looked over at Mac and smiled a bit.

"Did you cry, Mac?" Vera asked.

"Some but...I don't know. It was different for me I guess. I wasn't crying over Grams so much as I was over Harm crying for Grams," Mac replied.

"Did you tell Harm how you felt as he grieved?" she asked taking notes for their all ready thick file.

"Not really," he said, a little surprised at her answer and the love it conveyed. He didn't know why it surprised him, probably because of everything before then.

"Tell him now," Vera instructed.

Mac turned to Harm and looked at him. "I loved Grams so much and I'll miss her. But seeing you...I don't like it when you hurt or...I just don't like it and you wouldn't let me make it better," she told him starting to tear up. "I wanted to make it better and you just wanted to be by yourself. I felt so useless. I know that a lot of the reason you shut me out was my fault, because I was so mean to you, but I still felt useless."

He tightened his grasp of her hand. "I didn't mean to make you feel useless, Mac," he said. "I was in more pain than I knew what to do with, and I didn't feel like anyone could help me, not even you. With things between us, you know, being as they were up to that point, I didn't feel like I could go to you for comfort. Looking back, I think deep down, I knew better, but..."

"How bad did things actually get?" Vera asked listening to every word.

Harm looked into his wife's eyes, silently communicating that he'd field this one. "I, uh, I left her a note before leaving for my quals 2 days before Grams' death that said I wanted a divorce. It asked for her to have one of our friends in the office begin drawing up the papers." He looked down at the floor, rubbing his brow with his free hand.

"Why did you ask for a divorce, Harm?" Mac asked softly. "I never got to ask you why."

He shook his head, still rubbing at his brow. "It seemed like we were at that point, you know, after that last night before I left. We'd given the neighbors something to talk about with our 'conversation' on the front lawn, and I went to bed that night feeling like there was just too much damage, like I'd screwed things up beyond any hope of repair."

Commander McCool sat back and listened. "Did you really believe those things I said? Did anything I said...Do you still want a divorce?" she managed to ask. She knew the answer but she wanted to hear it anyway.

"I never wanted a divorce, Mac," he said softly as he looked her in the eye. "As for believing what you said...I hoped you didn't mean any of it, but considering what I'd done and how bad it was...sometimes I thought you might at least mean some of those things. I know better now, but then..."

Mac smiled, "I am angry, and I am hurt, but you didn't deserve those words Harm. You didn't. I love you so much, Harm."

"I love you, too," he said, reaching for her other hand. "I love you so much, and I'm sorry for everything - the note, the way I shut you out, the way I acted, all of it."

As the couple before her talked, Vera McCool smiled. They were at least from all appearances going to be all right.

The therapy session was successful for Harm and Mac and when they got home they ate pizza and played with their children. Mac had just put DJ down and went to take a bath while Harm finished talking to Lucy about her therapy session that day.

"So do you feel better today, Button?" he asked her as he brushed the hair back off her forehead.

"No, I still don't like that lady," Lucy replied. "But I'm happy that you and Mommy aren't so sad anymore."

"Why don't you like Dr. Crimmins?" asked Harm. "She's a nice lady.

"She says things about you and Mommy that I don't like," Lucy told him. "Only I didn't want to tell Mommy."

"What kinds of things, baby?" he asked, knowing that the issue he and Mac were having were bound to come up in Lucy's sessions.

"She's always says that I gotta be important, but I'm important. She says that Mommy...she says I gotta tell Mommy she makes me sad when she's sick in her belly and that I gotta ask her to get it fixed. She says it's not nice for Mommy not to get it fixed cause it scares me," Lucy told her Dad. "And she says if you and Mommy are fighting a lot that I got to tell you I don't like it and ask you to "remove" or something. I just don't like her, she doesn't know what she's talkin' 'bout." Lucy wrinkled her nose, "And she smells funny."

Harm smiled a bit at his child's expression. "I know, Luce. Have you told Dr. Crimmins that Mommy and I aren't fighting like before?"

"Yes, I did," he replied. "I told her you are in the big room again, but she didn't say anything bout that. She just keeps asking about Mommy's boo boo. I don't think she likes Mommy."

"Oh, I don't think she doesn't like Mommy," said Harm. "It's just her job to ask you all those questions and to make sure that if you're sad about Mommy or Daddy, that you know it's okay to tell us."

"I know its okay," Lucy said. "I just don't want to do it sometimes." She gave a big yawn and squiggled in the bed a bit.

He pulled the covers up over her and handed Pooh Bear to her. "Well, whenever you do want to, you know it's always okay. I love you, Lucy, so does Mommy."

"I love you too, Daddy," Lucy replied. "Where's Mommy?"

"She's taking a bath," he answered. "She'll come kiss you goodnight when she'd done."

"Okay," Lucy yawned. Just then Mac came into to room her big terry cloth robe around her.

"Somebody sleepy?" she asked sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"She just asked where you were," smiled Harm as he stepped back out of the way.

"I'm right here, Sweetie," Mac smiled and leaned over to give Lucy a kiss. "You ready for sleep. Mommy sure is."

"Mm-hmm," said Lucy, her little eyelids already closing.

"I love you, Lucy Bear," Mac said. "Good night."

Mac slid off the bed and followed Harm out of the room. "She seems to be doing better. We're all doing better," she replied and slipped her arm around his waist leaning against him a bit.

He put his arm around her waist in agreement. "We really are," he said. "We've come a long way."

Mac nodded. "You ready for bed?" she asked. It was early but she was exhausted.

"Yeah," he said, not very sleepy himself, but he knew she was wiped out.

"Did you see my pills anywhere?" Mac asked. She'd gotten into taking them regularly and had been better since she started that.

"I think they're in the cabinet," he said as he turned down the covers on the bed before heading over to brush his teeth.

"Can you get me one when you come back in?" she asked sliding off her robe and getting into bed.

"Of course," he said with a smile. He brushed his teeth and completed the rest of his bedtime ritual before grabbing a pill and a cup of water for her and returning to her.

"Here you go," he said, holding them out to her.

"Thanks," she smiled and put the pill in her mouth. "I'm so glad you moved back in here. I missed having you when I wake up in the middle of the night."

He took the empty cup from her and set it on the bed side table. "I missed being here for you in the middle of the night." He flipped the light switch off and climbed into bed.

"How's your face?" she asked rolling onto her side and getting comfortable.

"Still hurts," he said, moving his hand up to feel the bruise. "It'll look just lovely in a few days when it begins to heal, and turns all different shades of green and yellow."

"Can I kiss it for you?" she asked with a tiny smile.

"Yes, you can," he answered with his own little smile.

Mac leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on the bruised flesh. "There, all better," she sighed.

As she began to move away, he slowly leaned in to kiss her lips.

Mac returned the kiss lightly, then pulled back and lay down again.

He rolled over even closer to her and began kissing the crook of her neck. "I love you" he whispered.

Mac let him kiss her and replied, "I love you too Harm."

He slid his mouth upwards and began nibbling on her earlobe.

Mac shifted a bit, "Harm, no," she said softly moving her head away from his lips.

He laid his head against her pillow. "I want to be with you, baby. Please? I'll be so careful, just like at Grams."

Mac shook her head, "Not tonight," she replied gently.

He was disappointed, but he knew not to pressure her. "Too much too soon?" he asked softly.

"No, that's not it at all," she replied. "Not at all. I just want to snuggle tonight."

He pondered her words for a moment. It wasn't like Mac to forego lovemaking in favor of snuggling, at least it wasn't like the "old Mac", before...everything. This concerned him. "We can snuggle," he said, wrapping his arms around her. "We don't have to do anything more...but when you're ready for more, I'll be here."

"Harm, if you really want to..." She sensed his disappointment.

"I really want to," he said softly. "Really and truly, but not if your heart's not in it, which I sense is the case. Am I right? It's up to you, sweetheart."

"Its not my heart that's not in it, Honey," Mac replied. "My heart is always ready to love you."

Hearing those words made him smile. Things were better, but he still needed reassurance from her that she still loved him as much as he loved her. His smile faded, however, when he thought about what she'd said. "Are you having pains again, Mac? Is that why you said no?"

"I have been," Mac replied. "Since we left Belleville."

"Oh, Mac," he said as he placed a hand gently against her tummy, "I'm so sorry, I didn't know. It was that night we spent together, wasn't it?"

"I don't know," she replied. "I woke up and I felt okay but he said this was going to happen...don't feel badly about it okay?"

"But I do feel badly about it," he whispered. "I mean, it was amazing and it turned out to be just what we needed to…to get back to where we're at now, but it ended up causing you more pain."

She snuggled rolled over and pulled up her legs before leaning back against Harm's chest, "I really don't think so, Honey. I think this would be happening regardless. I made an appointment for next week. You'll come?"

"Of course I'll come," he said gently. "And you'll roll back over onto your back and straighten those legs. Do you need the heating pad?"

"Just leave me like this, it's not a flare up pain," Mac said. "Let's stay like this."

"You sure, sweetie?" he asked. "I'll get you anything you need."

"I'm sure," she replied. "When's your Mom coming?"

"Week after next," he said as he held her close against his body.

"To Dulles?" Mac asked him. "We need to get all your stuff out of the guest room before she gets here."

"Yeah, Dulles" he said, "and yes, I'll be sure there's no trace of, uh, the last few weeks left in the guest room when she gets here." He leaned down and kissed the top of her head as she lay with her back against his chest.

"Harm?" Mac asked softly feeling sleepy.

"Hmm?" he replied.

"Would you do...Damn it, I still feel funny asking you to do things," Mac sighed.

"No, no" he soothed. "Don't feel funny, Mac. We're not back to normal yet, but we're making progress. Go with it; it's okay."

"Can you rub my back?" she asked moving away a bit, knowing he'd say yes.

"Most definitely" he answered softly. "Same place as always?"

"No," Mac replied. "I really don't need you to, I just want you to. You can wherever you like."

He smiled; she was asking for his touch and his comfort. He moved his hands down to her shoulder blades and slowly massaged all around them. "I wish.. ah, never mind."

"What?" Mac asked, relaxing under his soft touch.

"I..." he hesitated. "I wish we could make love right now. I'm not blaming you that we can't, I know it's not your fault you're hurting, but...it just, it did so much for us, just that one night at Grams. Like it or not, that's just the...the way you and I communicate best. I know words would be better, but I'm just not too sure we'll ever master that..."

"Once I get operated on again we'll be able to do it more," Mac sighed. "After I get operated on again everything will be better. Then we can try for our baby."

He temporarily halted the massage to wrap his arms around her and hold her tight, just for a moment. "I cannot wait for that, Mac - for being able to make love whenever we want to and not worry about the pain, but mostly for trying for our baby. I guess there's not really much chance that last week could have taken care of that, huh?"

"A bit," Mac replied. "We'll see what the holiday brings. We may have something else to be thankful for after all."

PREVIEW: Thanksgiving day for the Rabb's. Will they have something to be thankful for? Could that something be life?


	29. Chapter 29

See Chapter One for Disclaimers and Notes.

Special thanks to Snugglebug and to all those who have reviewed.

The weeks flew by and finally it was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Harm was about to leave to get Trish and Frank at the airport and Mac was busy preparing stuffing to Harm's explicit instructions. That morning had dawned with her period, but she kept her silence. She didn't want to ruin this day for her husband or her children. She'd tell him later on, and would ward off the pain with an extra pill. This was a happy time, and she wanted it to stay that way.

"Remember," said Harm to Mac as he finished tying DJ's shoes in the kitchen.

"Lots of sage in there, babe."

"You wrote it down and reminded me twice," Mac replied as she worked on the stuffing. "You taking them both?"

"Just him," he answered. "Lucy said she wants to stay here."

"Hmm," Mac replied. "That's fine. I'll let her help me measure apples for the pie."

"Sounds good." he said, leaning in to kiss her. "I'll be back as soon as I can be; I love you."

Mac leaned up to kiss him, "I love you too. Drive safe." Then to DJ, "Be good for Daddy. I love you."

"Love you, Mommy" he said, taking a hold of his Daddy's hand.

Mac watched Harm escort DJ out of the room, then let out a groan, placing her hand on her belly. She looked up, "Not now. Not now," she prayed aloud and went back to her work. "Lucy!"

The child heard her mother's call and came bounding down the hallway from her room. "What, Mommy?"

"Time to help Mommy okay?" she asked with a smile. "Get the apples out of the fridge, please."

"Okay," said Lucy, pulling the refrigerator door open with all her might and retrieving the bowl of apples.

Mac set Lucy to work washing off the apples while she finished prepping the stuffing and put it in the fridge, all the while fighting to remain up beat. She didn't want to let Lucy know how she felt, or Harm either. Finally though the pain gave way to nausea and she made her way quickly to the bathroom.

"Mommy?" called Lucy as Mac ran down the hallway and closed the bathroom door.

"Stay there, Lucy," Mac called as she felt her stomach revolt sending her breakfast and the smallest bit of blood out of her body. "Oh God," she thought. "Please not now. Not now," she prayed again.

"Mommy?" asked Lucy as she came running down the hallway in search of Mac. "Are you okay, Mommy?"

"I'm fine, Baby," Mac told her. "Go back to the kitchen," she got out before she was sick again. When that spasm passed she quickly locked the door.

Lucy did as her mother asked, returning to the step stool by the kitchen sink and continuing to wash the apples.

A few minutes later Mac made her way shakily down the hall and back to her daughter. "How you doing Lucy?"

The child looked over at her mother and was very frightened by what she saw. "Mommy, you're all white," she gasped.

"Mommy is just tired," Mac replied holding onto the sink.

"Do you need to go take a nap?" asked Lucy.

"I'll be okay until Daddy gets back," Mac replied. "How are these apples coming?"

"I'm washing them really clean," she said. "We don't want any dirt to get into the pie, right?"

"That's right, Honey," Mac replied feeling a dampness between her legs. "Lucy can you get down and do Mommy a favor?"

Lucy stepped down carefully from the stool. "What do you need me to do?" she asked.

"Go to Mommy's bed and get her a pillow," Mac replied. If she sat in the chair with a pillow behind her it might be bearable until Harm got home. "Please."

"Okay," said Lucy, hurrying off to her parent's room to get Mac a pillow. She pulled it off the bed and moved as fast as her little legs would allow her to back down the hallway. She rounded the corner into the kitchen, and stopped cold. "Mommy," she said in a weak and frightened voice. "You've got blood on you."

"Its not blood Baby," Mac lied. "I must have sat down in some..." She stopped halfway to bite back a moan of pain.

"No, it looks like blood, Mommy," said Lucy, growing more frightened by the second. "Did you get hurt?"

Mac took a deep breath and nodded, "Yeah, I have a boo boo." She replied and tried to move from the sink over to the chair only to lose her balance to a fierce pain and a dizzy spell once she let go.

"Mommy!" cried Lucy as she dropped the pillow and rushed to her mother's side. "Mommy...I'm scared..." she cried.

"Don't be scared Baby," Mac soothed through her agony. "Can you pull that chair over here. Mommy just fell down, like you do sometimes," Mac explained involuntarily pulling her knees up to her chest and moaning a bit in pain.

"O...okay," sobbed Lucy, doing as Mac had asked and pulling a chair over for her.

Mac tried to grab onto the chair and pull herself up but the effort was too much. She was beginning to feel nauseous again, but did not want to be sick in front of Lucy. "Lucy, go play in your room," Mac told her daughter as she felt the pain intensify and the bleeding soak through her pad and her pants. She didn't want her baby anywhere near this.

Lucy was still crying as she sat next to Mac on the kitchen floor. She knew something was deeply wrong with her mother, and there was no one around to help her. Wanting to do as she was told, but not wanting to leave her mother alone, she chose to stay beside Mac instead, gently stroking her mother's head like Harm would have done, although Lucy had never witnessed it.

Mac felt her strength rapidly leaving her and soon could no longer fight the pain or the nausea. She didn't want Lucy to see her get sick, so she asked her, "Lucy, close your eyes for Mommy." The child could barely hear her.

"But I need to see you to rub your head," cried the child.

"Lucy," Mac managed to get out before her stomach revolted against her will and she was once again sick, this time though only blood came up.

"Mommy! Mommy!" screamed Lucy, now hysterical at the vision in front of her. "Mommy! You're gonna die! Don't die!"

When the spasm passed Mac laid back down against the linoleum and felt tears start to drip down her face. Angrily she wiped them away. She could feel the familiar cold creep up on her and hear her daughter's screams, "No Baby. Mommy's going to be fine," she assured her. "Daddy'll fix it when he gets home, okay? Can you be a brave girl and go get Mommy's blanket?"

"Don't die, Mommy! Please, don't die!" sobbed Lucy.

"Lucy, please," Mac breathed. "Go and get Mommy's blanket." She couldn't stop herself from shaking anymore. "Please do as I say, okay?"

The child nodded, continuing to sob as she ran down the hallway and yanked the quilt off the master bed. She dragged it behind her, managing not to trip over it as she reached the kitchen. She laid it over her mother, covering her all the way up to her neck.

"Can you be a big girl for Mommy, Lucy?" Mac asked reaching for her daughter's hand and fighting the darkness that she felt upon her.

"Uh-huh," sobbed Lucy, scared out of her mind.

"Can you try to stop crying?" Mac asked. "Mommy's going to be okay. This happens all the time with Da...dy,"she said her speech starting to fade.

"I want Daddy," said Lucy, slowing her crying only a little. "I want him..."

"So do I, Baby," Mac replied. "Can you go call him for me? Can you do that?"

"Okay," cried Lucy, pushing herself up from the kitchen floor and hurrying to pick up the handset from the table in the living room. She knew Harm's cell phone number from memory; it as something they'd schooled her on for her own safety. She pressed the numbered keys and then put the phone to her ear, trying to stop crying so that she could hear her Daddy when he answered. All she heard, though, after 4 rings was "Hi, you've reached Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr. I can't answer my phone right now but if you'll leave me a message, I'll..." She turned the handset off and began to cry in earnest once more. "Daddy! I want my Daddy!"

"Lucy, it's okay," Mac managed. "Come stay by Mommy. Daddy's be home very soon."

Meanwhile, Harm sat with his mom and Frank in intense holiday traffic. Usually a patient driver his demeanor at the wheel upset his mother. He honked the horn and even swore out the window until she called him to task, "This isn't going to move the cars, Honey. Just relax we'll be home soon."

"We've moved a half a mile in the last half an hour," he said impatiently. "I need to get home."

"I know, Sweetie," Trish said. "But Mac is there, dinner's being cooked, relax."

"I know," he said. "But I don't like being gone for long when she's got either or both of the kids by herself."

"Harm," Frank broke in. "I'm sure she's fine. She's a wonderful mother. It'll be fine."

He nodded as the traffic finally began to move above 12 miles per hour. "About time!" he said, mindlessly messing with the radio as he sped up.

"It's okay, Mommy," said Lucy as she sat beside Mac and patted her shoulder. Mac had grown more and more pale, something which was noticeable even to a child of 5. "Daddy'll be here in a few minutes, right?" asked the little girl, waiting for an answer but receiving only silence. "Mommy? Mommy, do you hear me talking to you?"

Mac did hear her baby talking to her, but she had no strength left to fight the pain and the blackness as it mercifully descended on her.

"Mommy?" questioned Lucy weakly as the tears began to pour from her eyes again. She shook Mac gently but it didn't do any good. She began to sob again until she remembered another phone number her Daddy had helped her put to memory. Scurrying up from the kitchen floor, she ran back into the living room, where she'd left the handest on the coffee table. She picked it up and pressed only three numbered keys this time, 9-1-1, before putting the phone to her ear.

"911, what is your emergency?" the soft female voice replied on the other end of the phone.

"My Mommy is hurt," cried Lucy.

"Is your Daddy home?" she asked knowing sometimes the children would panic and call when there was another adult home.

"No, he and DJ went to get Nana and Papa Frank at the airport," answered the child, still very upset.

"Okay, take a deep breath for me. I'm going to need you to answer some question okay. What's your name?" she asked.

"Lucille Patricia Rabb," sobbed Lucy.

"Well, Lucille," the lady said. "I'm going to send some people to help your Mommy. You live at 2114 Maple Tree Blvd, Manassas, VA, right?"

"Uh-huh," answered Lucy. "I want my Daddy..."

"Well, I'm sure he'll be on his way home soon," the operator comforted. "Can I talk to your Mommy? Is she awake?"

"No" said Lucy, beginning to fall apart yet again. "She's on the floor and she's got blood on her."

"Can you tell me how she got hurt? Did she fall down?" the operator asked having all ready dispatched police and medics, now she just wanted to keep the child talking.

"I don't know," said the little girl through he sobs. "She tried to sit down, but she fell on the floor, and there was blood on her and then she didn't talk anymore and..."

"Okay, are you near her right now?" the operator asked.

"No," answered Lucy. "I'm in here and she's in there."

"Does the phone have a wire on it?" the operator asked.

"Nuh-uh," said Lucy. "Daddy doesn't like that kind."

"Can you bring the phone with you to where your Mommy is?" she asked again.

"Uh-huh," said the child, still crying as she began walking back into the kitchen and sat down on the floor next to Mac. "I'm sitting with Mommy now."

"Okay, now I want you to talk to her and I'm going to talk to you and tell you when the medics come, okay?"

"Okay," said Lucy, listening carefully to the dispatcher's words.

When Harm finally made it to their road and turned down towards the house. As he expected DJ had fallen asleep in his seat, what he didn't expect was to see two police cars and an ambulance outside his home.

"Oh God," he said aloud. He sped the remainder of the distance down the street and came to an abrupt halt in front of the house. Without a word to his Mom or Frank, he jumped out of the driver's seat and ran towards the front door.

The scene he saw when he reached the house shocked him. He walked through the front door into the living room to see Lucy, wrapped in a blanket being rocked by what appeared to be a plain clothes cop. Off to the side he saw the younger half of the paramedic team that had been to them twice before. "Get an IV started," he heard.

"I can't," the younger voice said. "Damn veins keeping collapsing."

Harm stood frozen for a moment until Lucy cried, "Daddy!" from her shelter on the officer's lap.

"Lucy!" he exclaimed, kneeling down and opening his arms to her. He picked her up and hugged her tight. "What happened?"

"Mommy's hurt," she sobbed. "She didn't answer me and she's got blood on her...I'm scared. She had blood come out of her legs and her mouth and...She didn't talk to me, Daddy. She didn't talk to me."

He knew then that they were dealing with a repeat of that horrible night on the bathroom floor, to some degree anyway. He held Lucy close to him as he tried to soothe her before going to check on Mac. "I'm so sorry you had to see Mommy get hurt like that, baby. Can you go back and sit with this nice woman here so Daddy can go check on Mommy?"

"Where's Nana?" Lucy asked wanting her family even though the lady was very nice.

He'd actually forgotten all about his mother, step-dad and son in the car. "They'll come inside in just a minute," he said. "Until then, can you be my big girl and go sit with this nice lady for just a little longer?"

Lucy nodded and sat back on the officer's lap as Harm dashed into the kitchen where the medics were working on Mac who had just about come around with some saline.

"What happened to her?" he asked the medics, wanting to hold her hand but choosing instead to remain out of the way for the moment.

"Same thing as usual, I expect," Ray replied. "Wish I could say it was good to see you Mr. Rabb," he said as he took Mac's pressure. "I still don't like this. We're going to have to take her in."

Mac heard that and was able to understand him. She moaned a bit and launched a feeble protest, "No."

"Mac, baby," Harm said, moving in closer and taking a hold of her hand. "You have to go, okay?"

Mac didn't even recognize him, "Harm? Where's Harm?" she asked looking directly at him.

"It's me," he said, caressing the back of her hand. "It's me, baby, I'm right here. You're going to be okay."

"I want Harm," she said again, eyelids getting very heavy again. "Lucy?" she asked. "Where's Lucy?"

"Mac, it's me, it's Harm," he said. "Lucy's in the other room; she's fine." He turned to the medics. "How much blood did she lose this time? She seems even more incoherent than last time."

"She's lost quite a bit," Ray replied. "At least four units. We have to get her to the hospital right now but she won't let us touch her."

Meanwhile it finally dawned on Mac that Harm was back with her. She looked at him and whispered with bloodless lips, "It hurts."

For the first time in awhile, he felt that awful twinge of guilt wash over him, the guilt that he couldn't stop her suffering. He looked up at the team of medics. "Take her, do whatever you need to do."

"No, no," Mac protested. "I have to get...get the dinner," she slurred.

"No, you're going to the hospital, babe" he said, his voice calm yet insistent. "The dinner stuff will be here when you get back."

Mac's eyes opened wide with fear just a second as she looked at her husband, then her head lolled to the side as she went out again. "Billy, move now!" commanded Ray. "Mr. Rabb, you follow."

Harm stood up and fell in behind the team as they rushed his wife out to the ambulance. As they loaded her up, Trish, Frank and DJ were standing in the yard watching the whirl of activity.

"Harmon, what happened?" Trish asked her son.

"Bleeding again," he said as he stopped for only a second. "I'm going to follow the ambulance. Lucy's in there with a cop. I'll call when I know anything."

"Did Lucy see it?" Trish asked fearful for her granddaughter.

"Yeah," he said. "And the kitchen floor is a mess. I'll clean it up when I get home, till then just keep them out of there."

"Harm, this can't go on. It's not good for the children," Trish interjected even though she saw he was desperately trying to get away. The ambulance had all ready disappeared from view.

"Not now," he said, taking off down the driveway towards his vehicle in the street. "Take care of them for me, mom."

"Of course," Trish replied and held her grandson tighter as she watched her son tear off down the street.

Preview: Harm awaits news on Mac at the hospital. Trish does her best with Lucy and speaks her mind to her son.


	30. Chapter 30

See Disclaimers and Notes.

Harm raced to the hospital as fast as he could safely do so. He never caught up with the ambulance, so by the time he arrived Mac was already in the back.

"My wife is here," he said to the nurse at the desk. "Sarah Rabb; she came in an ambulance just a few minutes ago."

The nurse at the desk typed the name in the computer, "She's not in here, Sir."

"She has to be," he said. "I know this is where they brought her; check again!"

The nurse typed the name in and again came up with nothing. "Are you sure they brought her here?"

Harm rolled his eyes and ran his hand through his hair. "Yes! I'm sure! Sarah Rabb,

S-A-R-A-H R-A-B-B!"

"Mr. Rabb," he heard the gentle voice of the paramedic who'd treated Sarah. "We took her in the back she probably doesn't have her in yet. Come with me."

Harm shot the nurse at the desk a wary stare as he went with the paramedic. "How is she?" he asked as he walked.

"She's still unconscious but the bleeding has slowed down for now," he replied. "Her pressure is still pretty low so they are giving her some blood to get it back up. Also, her abdomen is swollen and there's some guarding there. I think she's going to be here a few days this time, that's just my assessment after twenty years on the streets."

Harm nodded. "I think you're probably right about that. This has to stop, I don't know..."

"I'll tell you one thing, you're little girl quite probably saved your wife's life tonight," Ray told Harm. "She's such a brave little thing. She let us in, told us what happened, and I could even understand what she said. You should be proud of her."

"Oh, I am," said Harm without hesitation. "I hate that she had to witness this, but I'm so glad that she knew what to do."

"I've been to scenes where kids had to call 911 before but I've never gotten a bullet quite like that from a seven year old," Ray shook his head.

"Lucy's only five," said Harm, realizing once again how grown up his little girl was sometimes.

"All the more reason to be proud, of course as soon as we took over, she crawled under the table until Detective Simpson got her out," Ray told Harm. "Still she did the most important thing."

"Yes, she did," agreed Harm, looking over towards the admitting desk. "Think they've got her in the system yet?"

"She should be by now, my partner was supposed to get her run sheet off to admitting. She's in Trauma 3 though; you can wait here until the doctor comes out. They'll bring you forms before too long," Ray told the frightened and nervous husband.

"Do you think they might take her in for surgery right away?" asked Harm. "I mean, I'm not sure she even needs it right this second or if her doctor is here or anything, but this was so bad, you know?"

"I know and the ER doctor did page Dr. Bradley so he's on his way," Ray replied. "Why don't you sit down here and wait. I'm going to find Billy and then we're going to have to go. I hope everything works out for you both, Mr. Rabb."

"Thank you for everything you did for her today," said Harm, offering the kind-hearted medic his hand in appreciation.

"Just my job," he replied. "Still it's nice to be appreciated for what we do. You try and have a good holiday."

"I will," said Harm. "You do the same."

"Sure will," he smiled and left to find his partner.

Harm sat in the waiting area for what seemed like hours, waiting for someone to either call him up to the desk or call him to go and be with Mac. He stared out the window and watched people come and go; citizens, doctors, EMTs. He hoped his mom and Frank had things covered at home. He felt guilty for leaving them to deal with the scene and with the kids under such strenuous circumstances, but he knew he didn't have a choice. Finally the double door leading to the ER opened and a nurse with a clipboard called out "Sarah Rabb?" He immediately stood up and went towards her.

"Are you with Sarah Rabb?" the woman asked Harm.

He nodded. "I'm her husband. Is she okay?"

"We're doing all we can, Mr. Rabb. She's doing better than she was and her OBGYN is in with her now. She's starting to come around a bit now and she's asked about someone named Lucy. Is she here?" the nurse asked him.

He shook his head. "No, that's our little girl. She's at home with my folks."

"She seems very upset about her. She keeps asking where she is," the nurse replied. "What should I tell her?"

"I'd like to go talk to her," said Harm. "When she gets like this, I'm really the only person who can calm her down and I don't want her getting worked up about anything."

"You aren't allowed to go back there," the nurse replied. "We just wanted to get this Lucy for her to get her to stop being so agitated."

"Precisely why I want to go back there," said Harm, growing a bit agitated himself. "Lucy isn't here and won't be here, and I'm the only person my wife will respond to right now. I need to go back there, miss."

"I'll check with her doctor," she replied and turned to check with Mac's physicians.

Two minutes later, Dr. Bradley himself appeared to talk to Harm. "How you doing, Harm?" he asked, his use of Harm's first name frightening him.

"I'm, uh, I've been better, doctor," answered Harm, offering his hand to Dr. Bradley. "How's my wife?"

"We've got her stable for now," he replied. "She in a lot of pain and when she came in she was hemorrhaging pretty severely. I'm trying to do an examination now she she's so upset about Lucy I can't get her to stop squirming so I can do the ultrasound. Is Lucy sick?" he asked.

"No," said Harm. "Lucy was the only one home when all this happened today. She's the one who called 911, and I know Mac is scared to death that Lucy isn't okay. Can I go back with you? I can probably get her to lie still for you and calm her down some, if you need me to?"

"We need you to, but more importantly, I think you need to," Dr. Bradley said in sympathy. "Am I right?"

"I really do," agreed Harm. "When I got home from picking my folks up at the airport, the rescue crew was already working on her and she was almost unconscious, so I haven't gotten to talk to her much at all."

"Come on back, just try to stay out of the way," Dr. Bradley instructed and led Harm back to Mac.

The first thing Harm heard was Mac's sobs, "Where's my baby? I want to see my baby right now!" She cried with almost no sound given her weakened state. They had her lying down with her feet in stirrups, towels and gauze drenched in blood lying between her legs. Still Harm was not affected by the sights; he was affected by the sounds.

He hurried to her side and took a hold of her hand. "Mac, I'm here, baby," he said softly. "It's okay, I'm here. Calm down."

"They won't let me see her, Harm," Mac sobbed. "I want my baby."

"She's fine, Mac," soothed Harm. "Lucy's at home, with DJ and my mom and Frank. She's not here, but she's okay."

"She is here, she was just here," Mac cried harder, not really sure where she was yet given the drugs and the blood loss. "She was...she was touching me somehow...I don't remember how but it felt so nice."

"Sweetheart," said Harm gently as he rubbed her hand. "Lucy's not here. She was with you at the house. She took care of you and got you help."

At those words Mac started to look around. She wasn't at the house? How did that happen? Finally though the lights and the sterility of the environment dawned on her and she fought to sit up, "No. I have to...We have to go home, Harm," she got out before the pain became too much and she sank back giving a little cry.

"No, no," he said as he gently laid her back down again. "You can't go anywhere yet. Dr. Bradley is here and he needs to examine you and see what's going on."

"He's going to hurt me," Mac murmured. "Let me go home. Please," she sobbed looking at him. "Please, let me go home. Please."

"Sarah," Dr. Bradley said gently. "Let me take a look and if I can fix it with medicine you can go home later okay?"

"Listen to him, sweetheart," said Harm. "Let him do what he needs to do, and maybe you can come home today."

Finally, reason penetrated Mac's brain and she looked up at Harm, "Don't leave me. You'll stay?"

He squeezed her hand a little more as he leaned down to kiss her forehead. "I'm right beside you, and I'm not going anywhere."

**Rabb Home**

Trish realized Harm told her to leave the mess but she couldn't do that, she couldn't look at it. So she asked Frank to mop up the blood and was the blanket while she sat on the sofa rocking a crying Lucy. The poor little thing had all ready been sick twice from her upsetment, but nothing Trish could do would get her to stop crying. "Lucy, Sweetie, do you want Nana to tell you a story?" Trish asked.

"No," whimpered Lucy. "I want my Mommy..."

"Lucy, you know Mommy had to go and see the doctors. But she'll be home very soon. Please, try and stop crying. Mommy wouldn't want you to cry," Trish soothed. "Want to have a cookie with me?"

For a moment, Lucy began to calm down, but then she remembered about the apples she'd been washing and the pie she was supposed to help her mother make, and she got upset all over again. "I want to help Mommy make the pie," she cried.

Trish rocked her again, trying in earnest to get her to stop crying, "Do you want to help Nana make it?"

"You don't know how," sobbed the child.

"Yes, I do," Trish replied. "Grams and I taught Mommy how."

Lucy looked at her grandmother for a moment as her tears kept falling. "Mommy said we can't have any dirt in the pie. Did you know that?"

"Yes, I did," Trish replied. "That's why I told her to always wash the apples before she peels them. Is that what you were doing?"

Lucy nodded. "Uh-huh. Mommy said I was doing a good job."

"I bet you were doing a really good job," Trish smiled. "What do you say? You want to help Nana make the pie so we can surprise Mommy?"

Lucy was still very shaken up, but was beginning to calm down. "Okay," she said as her breath shuddered a bit from such a long bout of crying.

"Okay," Trish smiled and set Lucy on her feet. "Let's go do that."

Trish reached for Lucy's hand and started to lead her to the kitchen.

Harm stayed and held Mac's hand as Dr. Bradley tested her and checked her over. Finally he turned off the ultrasound machine and let Mac put her legs down. His face was grim as he faced Harm for Mac had since fallen asleep.

"Mr. Rabb, would you like to step outside with me?" the doctor asked.

"What if she wakes up?" he asked.

"She won't," the doctor assured him. "Anyway, you'll be right outside."

With a nod, Harm stood up and followed the doctor into the hallway.

"Its bad this time, Harm," Dr. Bradley told him slipping into personal mode.

"Does she need surgery?" Harm asked.

"Eventually, but for now she's too weak to undergo the type of operation she'll need," Dr. Bradley replied. "We'll have to wait a while."

"I thought that might be the case," said Harm. "Is there anything you can do for her today? Any way to slow the bleeding?"

"Yes, I can do a D&C and clean her up a bit, but I think it would be best if she stayed off her feet as much as possible, in bed or on the sofa until she gets better. I'm also concerned about her weight, Harm," the doctor sighed.

"So am I," agreed Harm. "She's lost a few pounds in the last month or so, I know she has. Things have been pretty, uh, stressful, and when she's stressed, she doesn't eat."

"I want to get her weight but my guess is she lost more than a few pounds," the doctor sighed. "What's been going on Harm? I've noticed deterioration in her condition in the last six weeks or so. And you haven't been to all her appointments. Is there something I can help with?" Dr. Bradley could be crude, but he cared for his patients.

"Thanks, but no, replied Harm. "We've been having some personal difficulties, but we're doing better now."

"Good, I was concerned when you missed three appointments," Dr. Bradley sighed. "Well, while she's out I want to administer the local and some more pain killers then start the procedure. If you want to call your family it'll probably take about two hours."

"I'll do that,"said Harm, reaching for his cell phone. "Will I be able to see her when you're finished? I'd like to be with her when she wakes up."

"Sure, I'll arrange it. You can even be the one to tell her she has to stay until tomorrow," the doctor said with a small smile. He knew how formidable Sarah Mackenzie could be.

Harm smiled a bit himself. "Gee, thanks, doc. I'm going to go make my call; you know where to find me."

"I'll take good care of her," the doctor assured him. "I promise."

Harm stepped outside the front doors of the ER and dialed his home number. After three rings, his mother's voice came on the other end. Having looked at the caller ID screen, she knew exactly who it was. "Hi, honey," said Trish. "How is she?"

"Stable," he answered, "but not good. The doctor did some tests and examined her; said the endometriosis is getting worse, which we more or less knew."

"Is she going to be all right though?" Trish asked. "Is she going to get to come home for Thanksgiving?"

"Some of it, hopefully," he said. "Her doctor wants her to stay overnight for observation. He's in there right now doing a D&C on her, which he said should help for the time being, but he wants her to stay off her feet and get some rest."

"Harm..." Trish began, but she didn't know how to approach it.

"What?" he asked as his nerves started to awaken.

"What happened today...This is not good for the children," Trish told him. "Not at all. What if it had been DJ instead of Lucy?"

"Mom..." he began, looking around as if to search for his thoughts. "I know, you're right, but the last thing I can handle right now is a bunch of questions based on what might have happened. What did happen is bad enough, and I'd be greatly appreciative if you could just keep things going for me until I get back, and leave the fretting about everything else to me. I love you, you know that, but please..."

"They can't be around this Harmon, you know that," Trish pressed. "It's not right to do this to them. Mac needs to deal with this."

"She is dealing with it, Mom," he said, growing a little perturbed at the conversation. "Once she recovers from this episode, she and I will have a long talk about how this has to come to an end, but that's between Mac and me, no one else."

"That's very easy for you to say, you're there and I'm the one that's here," Trish sighed, feeling angry at her son for not helping his daughter, even though she knew that was irrational.

"Well, how else was it supposed to be, Mom?" he asked. "I can tell you're not happy with me, which tells me things aren't going too good there; am I right?"

"They were bad, they got better, now they are worse," she replied. "I tried, Frank is trying, but she needs you."

He let out a frustrated sigh. "Well, I can't leave here until Mac comes out of surgery and I get her settled in her room, which as you know from your past experience with hospitals could be several more hours. What's Lucy doing? Still crying?"

"She cried a long time, then I managed to get her to calm down and bake a pie with me. Once I put it in the oven though she ran into your room and is lying in your bed with Mac's pillow just sobbing. She's even stopped talking except to say 'I want Mommy' or 'I want Daddy'," Trish replied. "I'm out of ideas and Frank is out of ideas."

"Damn it," he muttered under his breath, wishing he could be in two places at once. "Put her on, I'll see if I can do anything from here."

"Hang on," Trish replied and went to Lucy. Harm could hear her talking to his daughter and his daughter's sobs until she came on the phone, "Daddy?" she whimpered.

"Hi, Button," he said softly. "Why are you crying?"

"I want my Mommy," Lucy sobbed. "I don't want her to go away. I want her here."

"Baby, Mommy's okay," he soothed. "I promise, she's okay. I'm here with her, and the doctors are taking care of her, and she'll be just fine. I know she wants you to stop bring sad, okay? Can you do that?

Lucy started to cry harder still, "I want Mommy!" she sobbed over and over again.

It broke Harm's heart in two to hear his child so upset and not be able to console her. "Lucy," he said. "Lucy, listen to Daddy, please. I need you to stop crying and to go sit with Nana or with Papa Frank. They came all the way from California to see you, and they don't want to see you so sad, okay?"

"But I want Mommy, Daddy. I wanna be with you and Mommy. Can you come and get me?" Lucy asked him through her sobs. "I gotta be with Mommy."

"I can't do that, baby," he said. "I have to stay here and help Mommy feel better. I'll come home as soon as I can, though, I promise. I'll bring you some ice cream. Would that make you feel better, sweetie?"

"Maybe," she sniffled. "But can I stay in here?" she asked Harm. "It smells like Mommy in here."

"Of course you can stay in there, Button," he said. "I love you, and I'll be home soon."

"Can you tell Nana and Papa to stop pulling me?' Lucy asked him sniffing again.

"Stop pulling you?" he repeated "What are they pulling you for, Lucy Bear?"

"They want me to come out, but I want to stay in," Lucy replied. "Tell them to stop."

"I'll tell them to stop," he assured the little girl. "You can lie on the big bed as long as you want to, okay?"

"I'm not on the bed anymore," Lucy replied. "Papa wouldn't leave me alone in there so I left there." She sniffed again.

"Where did you go?" Harm asked.

"I went to Mommy's clothes," Lucy replied. "It smells really pretty like Mommy does."

Harm smiled at the mental image of his daughter hiding amidst his wife's side of the closet. "Well," he said. "You can stay in there as long as you want to. I'll make sure no one pulls you anymore, okay?"

"Okay," Lucy replied. "I can see you and Mommy soon Daddy?" Lucy asked.

"As soon as the doctor says so," he told her. "I need to go check on Mommy right now, so will you promise me you won't cry anymore?"

"No," Lucy replied. "But I will try real hard."

"That's my big girl," said Harm with a proud smile. "I love you, I'll be home soon."

"I love you, Daddy," Lucy replied. "Here's Nana."

Trish took the phone back from Lucy and argued a bit with Harm when he told her to leave Lucy alone in Mac's closet, but finally she relented and told Harm to tell Mac they all loved her. Harm ended the call and was about to go back inside when his cell rang.

He looked down at the display screen and stood frozen for a few seconds. It was Annie. "Nope," he said aloud to himself as he clipped the phone back on his belt and continued inside. "I don't have time to deal with that bullshit today." He knew if it was an emergency - which was really the only thing she was supposed to be calling him for, but she seemed to forget that when it suited her purpose - she'd either keep calling or she'd leave him a voice mail. Truth be told, since things had gotten better between he and Mac, there were more moments in his days when he didn't even think about the "Annie situation", as opposed to in the beginning when it nearly ate him alive. He couldn't deal with her right now; he just...couldn't.

Harm got a cup of strong coffee on the way back to the waiting room, then mindlessly read a magazine until Dr. Bradley came out a half hour later than he should have. "Harm?"

"Doctor?" said Harm, tossing the magazine back onto the table and rising from his seat.

"She did beautifully, you can go in and see her," the doctor told him. "She's very weak and is likely to remain so until I can operate. There's a lot of internal bleeding and the others tests I've run indicate her digestive system is infiltrated now. Be calm and gentle with her. She's starting to come back to us, and it's likely she'll have some cramping once the local wears off, but otherwise she came through okay."

"That's good to hear," said Harm, relieved that things had gone as well as they had. "So she's looking at going home sometime tomorrow?"

"I'll get her home for dinner," he promised. "If you can manage her care."

"I can," he assured the doctor. "Gotten a lot of practice lately, unfortunately."

"This is...this will be more than seeing her through a pain spasm, Harm. This will be more like caring for someone going through chemo or that has CFS. Thankfully though it won't be longer than three weeks or so until she's healed enough to operate again."

He nodded. "I can manage," he said. "She needs me, and I'm here for her."

"Go on in," the doctor smiled. "Be gentle."

Harm entered the room where his wife lay recovering from the anesthetic. He knew it wouldn't be too long before she was awake, and he was glad to be right beside her as he waited. She looked a little less pale than before, no doubt thanks to the blood they'd given her as well as the fact that she was no longer losing it by the pint. She was tired; he knew that just by looking at her. The day had, yet again, been hell on earth for her and this time, for Lucy, too. He reached out and took her hand in his, realizing how cold she was. He got the attention of a passing nurse, who brought over another blanket from the warmer and laid it gently atop Mac's sleeping form. Harm remained beside her for the next 45 minutes, until finally he heard her whimper.

"Harm?" she whimpered as she began to stir.

"I'm here, Mac," he said, moving so she could see his face. "How are you feeling?"

"Sleepy. My legs feel funny," she told him looking at the blankets covering her.

"It's just the medicine, babe," he said. "It'll wear off soon."

She nodded, "When can I go home?"

"Tomorrow afternoon," said Harm. "Dr. Bradley did a procedure on you and you have to stay overnight so they can monitor you."

Mac shook her head, "I'm going home today," Mac said with surprising clarity and firmness. "Lucy...Harm, how's Lucy?"

He sighed. "Upset, but she's okay, all things, you know, considered."

"She must have been so scared," Mac whimpered a bit. "I...don't really remember but I remember she...she did everything I said she...She was so scared though."

"I know" said Harm softly. "She's such a smart little girl, though. She's the one who called 911, and she was so thorough in what she said the paramedic thought she was 7."

Mac laughed a little bit then moaned at the pain it caused, "Oh..."

"You okay?" he asked, his voice conveying his concern.

"Hurts," she replied in a soft whisper. "Harm, please, get me home. I need to go home."

He shook his head. "No, baby," he said gently. "You need to stay here, just for tonight. Dr. Bradley said you'll be home in time for dinner tomorrow, but he needs you here tonight."

"I don't want to stay here," Mac protested. "I can never rest without you and Lucy needs you and I need to see her, to make sure she's okay. Please, I won't move. I'll lie in bed, but please."

He was quiet for a moment. "If I can get him to release you," he said. "You promise to stay completely off your feet and to do nothing except rest and relax? No cooking, no taking care of the kids, just resting?"

"I'm not sure I could if I wanted to," Mac replied. "If feel so tired I'm not sure I could lift my head up."

"Which is why the doctor wants you to stay the night here, sweetie," said Harm softly. "But if you really don't want to, I'll see what I can do."

Mac nodded and closed her eyes, trusting Harm to take care of everything.


	31. Chapter 31

Refer to earlier chapters for disclaimers.

A/N: I feel that I must address some of the reviews that I have been receiving that are referring to the medical aspects of Mac's condition. I have researched all of the information in this fic to get it as accurate as possible, not to mention that while most of the plotline is fictional the complications resulting from the illness and the desire to have a child are part of my dear friend's story in her effort to cope with this devastating illness. Still I do appreciated anyone who takes time to read and review the story. Thank you for sticking with me on this journey and please continued to enjoy.

It took some doing and a lot of paperwork but Harm finally got Dr. Bradley to allow Mac to leave AMA. Harm had to carry her out to the car, fasten her belt, and now that they were home he knew he'd have to carry her inside. Dr. Bradley warned him, but he thought, he prayed his Marine would rally out of it.

Harm took Mac in his arms again and carried her up to the door. It was late so DJ should be sleeping though he knew Lucy would still be in the closet. While Mac was getting dressed Harm had bough Lucy's ice cream and it was with these to precious burdens he entered the house.

Harm carried his wife into their bedroom and laid her carefully on her side of the bed. He had a hunch his daughter was asleep among her mother's dresses, and a quick check of the closet confirmed said hunch. He carried the weary child to her own room, kissing her on the forehead as he tucked her in. The remainder of the night was relatively uneventful, save the three times Mac awakened in pain. The bleeding was much less than it had been earlier in the day, which meant the D&C had alleviated exactly what it was intended to. Each time she awoke, Harm awoke with her, getting her pain pills every 4 hours and carrying her to and from the bathroom.

When morning came, he let her sleep in while he got up and began working on a few things for the Thanksgiving feast they were all looking forward to.

"Good morning, Honey," Trish greeted. "How is she this morning?"

"Sleeping soundly," he replied as he slid the turkey into the oven.

"How did she do last night?" Trish asked pouring herself some coffee.

"Not too bad," said Harm, taking a sip from his own coffee cup. "Slept most of the night, woke up to use the bathroom and take her pills. She did okay."

"Is she any stronger?" Trish asked putting sugar in her cup.

He shook his head. "Doc said she won't really get much strength back until after she has the surgery she needs, which she can't have for a few more weeks."

"So what until then? You carry her every where? What about her personal needs? What about work?" Trish asked.

"After another week or so," he said. "She'll be strong enough to get herself to and from the bathroom and such, but that's it until after the surgery. She's out of work for at least the next 6 weeks."

"What about you?" Trish asked. "What about your work?"

"I can't take the next 6 weeks off if that's what you mean," he said. "I'll talk to the General tomorrow and apprise him of the situation. Maybe he can give he half days or let me work from home a few days a week, but even at that she'd still be alone a good deal of the time."

"Well...Harm, Frank and I were talking and we'd like to take the children back LA with us," Trish replied. "We can have a tutor for Lucy..."

He shook his head. "No, I can't let the kids be that far away from us. It's a gracious offer, but..."

"She can't take care of them Harm," Trish replied. "She can't take care of herself."

"Not right now, she can't," he agreed. "But she loves them and having them clear across the country wouldn't help her condition; it'd make it worse. I don't know what I'm going do, mom, but I can't send the kids to California."

"Harm?" Mac called just then from their room.

He set his coffee cup on the counter and went to her. "What, baby?"

"I want to see my babies," Mac told him. "And I need some water or juice. My throat is dry."

"Okay," he said. "I'll get you a drink, and I'll bring the kids back for just a minute."

She started to try and push herself up but her arms would barely move from their position on her stomach.

"No, no," he said. "Stay there; I'll be right back. Don't try to move."

"Why am I so weak?" she asked him worriedly. "Am I going to be okay?"

He nodded and returned to her side. "You'll be fine, Mac. I promise you that, but you'll be weak and tired for a little while from all this. Don't fight your body's cues, you really need to rest. Remember, that's the only way I got the doctor to even reluctantly agree to let you come home, and you still had to sign out AMA."

"I know but what about today, there are people coming, I can't be like this," she fretted and ignoring his words from before tried to sit up again. This time she was only rewarded with a shooting back pain.

He saw the paned expression on her face, and reached out to touch her cheek. "I've got today all taken care of," he said softly. "I've been told I'm a better-than-average cook, and my mom knows how to make the things I don't, so between she and I, we're all set. When it's time to eat, I'll carry you out to the living room and put you on the couch and we'll all eat in there with you. Thanksgiving won't be ruined because you have to rest, sweetie. I promise."

She nodded, "You can bring me our children now. I need to hold them."

"Of course you do," he said with a smile. "I'll be back." He went to the living room, where Lucy was in Franks lap, reading him a book, and DJ was building a race track for his little cars with Trish.

"Lucy, DJ," said Harm. "Want to go see Mommy for just a minute?"

"Yeah!" exclaimed Lucy as her little brother scurried up off the floor with a smile on his face that matched his father's to the letter. "Is Mommy better?" she asked.

"Some better, yes," said Harm as he picked up his son and reached out for his daughter's hand. "We have to be very still and quiet, though, because Mommy needs her rest."

"Okay, Daddy," said Lucy, practically dragging her father and brother down the hall in her excitement to see her mother. When they arrived at the door, the little girl peeked around the corner apprehensively, her excitement seeming to have been replaced with fear.

"It's okay, Button," said Harm. "Mommy wants to see you. Go ahead and go in."

Lucy looked up at her dad, and squeezing his hand a little tighter, began to slowly put on foot in front of the other.

She got a few feet in the room and saw Mac still pale lying on the sheets looking out the window, then recoiled. "Daddy?"

"What, baby?" he replied.

"Why is she so still?" Lucy whispered softy so Mac wouldn't hear her. DJ for his part had run to the bed and was begging to be picked up and held with his little arms over his head.

Harm knelt down to Lucy's level. "She's still because the doctor said that's what she has to do to get better. She's okay, she just can't move around very much."

Lucy slowly nodded and clinging to Harm's hand approached her mother's bedside. Mac, eyes black with fatigue and skin white from loss of blood smiled a bright smile at her daughter, "Want to sit on the bed with Mommy and DJ, Sweetie?"

Harm had once he reached Mac's side lifted his son and the boy had curled into his mother's side and put his thumb in his mouth.

"Okay," said Lucy, carefully climbing up at the foot of the bed. She moved very slowly towards her mother and was afraid to get as close to her as DJ was.

"Come on Sweetie," Mac encouraged. "You want to give Mommy a hug?"

Lucy looked up at Harm for reassurance though once he smiled at her, she moved slowly towards Mac and slipped her arms around her waist laying her head against her chest. "I love you, Mommy," Lucy whispered.

"I love you too, Lucy Bear," Mac replied. "I'm very proud of you for helping me yesterday. I'm sorry I got so sick though. But I'm going to be okay now, you know that right?"

Lucy nodded but still would not let go of Mac, she just clung to her mother glad to finally have her in her arms again and to know she was all right, at least for now. The ring of the doorbell interrupted the quiet family moment, for Harm had to go admit their visitor.

Harm answered the door and, to his surprise, found the retired Admiral on the other side. "Uh, AJ," stammered Harm. "Welcome, come on in."

"Happy Thanksgiving, Harm," AJ smiled handing Harm the salad he's made. "Where are my munchkins?"

"They're in with their mom right now," said Harm, closing the door. "Can I take your coat?"

"Why do I get the feeling I'm a surprise?" AJ asked handing his coat to Harm.

Harm smiled a little. "Well, AJ, maybe because you are - not that it's any problem, mind you! No, Mac just forgot to tell me we were having guests, but you know you're always welcome here."

"What about Bud and Harriet, Mic Brumby, and PO Coates, also welcome?" AJ asked with a laugh.

Harm's eyes grew wide. "Um, uh, of...of course. Sure; the more the merrier!"

"I'm kidding, Son. It's just me this time around. Where is the gracious hostess?" AJ asked wanting to see Mac and wish her well.

Harm smile, relieved that he wasn't going to be entertaining an onslaught of guests for dinner. "She's in the bedroom, where she'll be spending the majority of her time for awhile. Come with me; I know she wants to see you."

"What happened?" AJ sighed, wanting to know details before he saw Mac.

Harm ran his hands through his hair. "More of the same," he said. "Severe bleeding from the endometriosis. They had to transfuse her again and the doctor did a D&C to see if that may help short-term. She has to get her strength back so she can have another operation in a few weeks."

"How bad?" he asked, aching for his "children's" pain after all they'd been through.

"Very," answered Harm, looking down at the floor. "I was picking up my folks, and DJ was with me. Lucy stayed here to help her mom and..." He trailed off.

"Oh, no!" AJ gasped. "What happened? Did Lucy..."

"She did," said Harm, shaking his head as he recounted the horror. "She saved Mac's life, though. I'm very proud of that little girl, AJ."

"Can I go in?" he finally asked. "Or does she need to be left alone?"

"No, go on in," Harm encouraged. "I need to get the kids out in a second anyway."

AJ followed Harm in and greeted everyone with a bright smile. "Hello everyone! How are my two Sailors?"

"AJ!" exclaimed Lucy, moving away from her mother to give him a hug.

DJ perked up at the sound of his uncle's voice and babbling "AJ, AJ..."

AJ hugged both of the children to him and offered Mac a warm greeting before expertly luring the kids out of their parent's room with promises of a story about boats and pirates.

"You need anything while I'm in here?" Harm asked Mac tenderly.

Mac nodded slowly but that was all.

He leaned in close to her as he knelt beside the bed. "Tell me."

"I need you to..." she got out then paused. "To sit here a minute."

He took her hand in both of his. "Sure. Mom's got the kitchen under control, AJ's got the kids, I'm all yours."

"He's going to do it isn't he?" Mac asked softly, licking her dry lips.

"He who, baby?" asked Harm.

"Dr. Bradley," she replied. "He's going to take it, isn't he?"

Harm sighed. "That's not his plan right now," he answered. "In the future, I think he probably will, but right now his goal is, once you're healed up, to go in and clean everything up again." He rubbed the back of her hand softly. "Then we'll be able to try for our baby."

"What if...Harm I'm so scared," she told him. "So scared for Lucy and for us...I could...Could you hold me do you think?"

He leaned in close as he could and gently placed his arms around her. "We'll all get through this, Mac. No matter what happens, we'll be okay."

Mac nodded, "I need to take a shower and put on some clothes."

"Okay," he said. "Let me go tell my mom, and then I'll come get you taken care of."

"I can do it myself," Mac protested wanting to keep some shred of her pride.

He shook his head. "No, Mac. I'm not about to let you take a shower unassisted. Sweetie, you can barely move in bed, there's just no way. I'll help, you, I want to."

"Fine then," Mac sighed. "Can I at least feed myself?" she asked sarcastically.

"Now that I'll let you do," he said with a smile. "I'll be right back. Don't try to get up without me."

Mac nodded and waited for Harm to return. He did a few minutes later and helped her to the bathroom. When she tried to stand though she sagged against him.

"You okay?" he asked, reaching his arms underneath hers to keep her from falling.

"No, I'm not okay. This is not okay, okay?" she told him her voice catching out of frustration and defeat.

He sat her down upon the edge of the bed again, and sat himself beside her. Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her close and just held her for a moment before speaking. "It'll all be okay. Its hell right now, but we'll see the other side soon."

Mac tried to nod, but was disturbed still. Through tears she whispered, "I have to be clean."

"I know," he whispered in reply. "How about I go draw you a hot bath, and I'll carry you in and get you all cleaned up, then bring you back in here and help you dress in something comfy and pretty for dinner?"

Defeated she nodded and lifted her face up to his.

He placed his hand beneath her chin and lifted her lips gently to his own, giving her a soft, sweet kiss. "I love you."

"I love you, and I need you so much now and I'm sorry for that," she told him.

He placed a gentle finger against her lips. "No, don't be sorry. Remember, 'in sickness and in health'? I'm here for you and I'll always be here for you." He knew he was taking a little bit of a risk bring up any part of their marriage vows; after all, the matter of his indiscretion was still in the middle of their marriage. It felt right, though, to remind her that he meant what he'd said that wonderful day six years earlier, and that he meant it no matter what else may have come between them.

Mac offered Harm another smile and waited while he drew her bath. Mostly she just lie still in the water as he bathed her, helping her wash her hair and the rest of her body. Finally he helped her brush out her hair and dress for dinner. By this time though she was exhausted and he knew it.

"You want to lie back down in here and sleep some more?" he asked her. "Dinner won't be ready for another hour at least."

She didn't reply, she didn't have the strength left.

"How about I take you out there and get you settled on the couch," he offered. "And when it's time to eat I'll wake you? That sound okay?" He knew she didn't want to be holed up in their room all day.

"I'm not all that hungry," she said as she nodded in the affirmative to his reply.

"You don't have to eat much," he said, carefully sliding his arms underneath her back and her legs to lift her. "Just try some mashed potatoes or some sweet potato casserole; something smooth and light."

Again she nodded and rested her head against his shoulder snuggling close.


	32. Chapter 32

Disclaimers in Chapter One.

Once again thanks to all those who have reviewed and the Snugglebug for her help and her friendship. Hugs to you, Lady! J

Harm got Mac settled on the couch and covered her with a blanket so she could get some rest while he returned o the kitchen to see what remained on his list of things to prepare. He mixed everything together for the green bean casserole and set it aside, then focused on the dinner rolls. He'd just placed the last one on the baking sheet when the door bell rang again. He wondered who it could be, since AJ had told him he was the only guest joining them for dinner. Tossing his dish towel over his shoulder, he went to look out the peephole, standing in annoyed disgust at what he saw.

Reluctantly, he opened the door and with a very firm look on his face, greeted perhaps the one person he least wanted to see that day. "What do you need, Annie?"

"I need to know why you haven't returned my phone calls or responded to my mails," she told him. "Are you going to leave a pregnant woman in the cold?"

He sighed, stepping back to allow her to come inside. He closed the door and stepped close so he could speak softly and not disturb Mac. "Listen, my folks are here and they don't know anything about any of this, and if you dare go down that road, pregnant or not I'll show you the door so fast your head will spin. Understood?"

Annie nodded and looked around the front room. "Where is Mac?"

"She's on the couch," he said. "She's not feeling well, so don't even think about bothering her. I'm sure she doesn't feel up to seeing you today."

Annie looked over at the sofa, "Harm, with all due respect what's happened?"

"I don't have to tell you," he said matter-of-factly. "All you need to know is she's not feeling well."

"Harm, I'm worried about you. If she's this ill and with your grandmother," Annie whispered.

"I can handle it," he said. "What I can't handle, however, is any funny business out of you. You've been calling my cell phone an awful lot lately, and we agreed that was for emergencies only. Somehow, I get the feeling there haven't been any emergencies."

"It was once," Annie replied and he could tell from her face she was telling the truth.

He looked at her, concern on his face. "When? What happened? No, wait, let's take this someplace else. I don't want anyone to overhear any of this." He led her to the door connecting the kitchen to the garage and opened it, allowing her to enter ahead of him.

"It was about three weeks ago, I had some pain and cramping...I got scared and called you but you didn't answer," Annie replied. "We're fine though. Don't worry. Doctor said it was stress."

He looked around the garage, hands on his hips. "Sorry. You should have left a message, I would have done what I could."

"Would you?" she asked looking down at the garage flooring. "You haven't done anything else you said you would do."

He nodded; she had a point. "I know," he said. "I'm not holding up my end of things very well, and for that I'm sorry, but it's hard for me to justify going to Baltimore for a sonogram appointment with you, for a baby that I continue to have major doubts about with regard to paternity, when my wife is so sick and my kids need me."

"Harm," Annie began. "Maybe it would be easier for me to understand if you leveled with me about Mac's situation. I really would like to help you, not in the way I did the last time, that was wrong, but in any other way."

"Wrong?" he asked. "You call what you did last time 'wrong'? It goes so far beyond that, Annie, and you know it. You played me for an absolute fool, and I let it happen. The specifics of Mac's condition don't change that one little bit."

"Maybe not," Annie admitted. "But you can be honest with me Harm we both no that. I have no stake in this; there is no reason to protect me. You have to let out the fear and the anger, and you know that's true."

"I can't do that with you, though," he replied. "I'm not exactly in the habit of venting my personal troubles to pregnant ex-girlfriends."

"Who do you vent them to Harm?" Annie asked gently. "Certainly not Mac."

He began pacing absentmindedly as he ran his hands through his hair. "I don't really talk much about it with anyone," he said. "I mean, how many people can I actually get into anything so...personal with. Some things are meant to be kept between Mac and I, like..." he nodded towards Annie's tiny baby belly, "that."

"I understand," Annie said. "But if you do need to take to someone, ever, just pick up the phone. We don't have to go near each other, I'll just listen," she told him and tentatively reached for his hand.

He pulled his hand out of her reach. Looking her in the eye, he shook his head ever-so-slightly. "No."

"No to what?" Annie asked. "No you won't come to me or no I can't touch you?"

He sighed. "No to both. I can't confide in you, Annie. I know we used to be friends and lovers and whatever else you want to call what we used to be, but that was a long time ago, and after what happened in Mexico, I can't...I can't trust you anymore. I don't trust you to be my sounding board, and I certainly don't trust you to touch me in any way, shape or form."

"You have no idea how much that hurts," Annie sighed. "I want to be there for you Harm, I want us to try and salvage a friendship out of this, and most of all I want to take that sad and haunted look from your eyes just like I...just like I wanted to do in Mexico. You can't help her, Harm," Annie said. "You know you can't help her."

"This is sounding a hell of a lot like what few parts I remember of the conversation in the cantina" said Harm, his tone showing his disgust even three months after-the fact. "You claimed then that all you wanted to do was take away my pain. You kept reminding of how I couldn't help my wife. Next thing I know, we're in a cheap motel room and - is any of this ringing a bell, Annie?"

"That was never my intent," Annie told him. "I know you don't believe that but it's true. And even more than that, you know my words are true, that's why you're so angry."

"That's where you're wrong," he said. "I'm angry because you played my emotions for everything you could get out of them that night, and set into motion the latest derailment in the train wreck currently known as my life. Yes, I do need someone to talk to when things with Mac are at their worst, but since you couldn't be a real friend, a true friend to me in Mexico, when you knew how much pain I was in, things with Mac are even worse than they were and for me to go to you about that now - there'd be no logic in that at all!"

"I was being a true friend to you...we just got carried away," Annie insisted. "Why is it okay for you to say it was all a mistake, all by accident, the influence of too much alcohol, but I must have been manipulative and conniving, right? Wrong, I was trying to listen, trying to help and we both got carried away."

"Yeah, we did," he said. "But you were the one who made sure my glass was never empty for more than a minute, and while I know I could have made the choice not to keep drinking, you knew all along what you were doing. I'm not saying I didn't do all kinds of things wrong that night because I know I did, but I'm not the only one."

"No, no you aren't," Annie replied. "And if it makes any difference, I am so sorry that that night made things so bad for you. But I am no responsible for what is going on inside that house right now," Annie pointed out.

Before Harm got the chance to answer Lucy wandered into the garage from the living room. "Daddy? Are you here?" she asked.

"I'm here, baby," he said. "What do you need?"

"Mommy needs you," Lucy said with a certain look on her little face. "Uncle AJ said to get you ASAP and Colleen tried to bit Nana."

Harm looked at Annie. "I've got to go deal with this," he said as he began walking inside. "Come back in with me; just...just keep to yourself, please."

"Actually, I'll just go. We can maybe continue this at a later date," Annie replied. "Go take care of your family. Have a nice holiday."

He nodded. "Thank you. I'll, uh...I'll check with you soon."

"I'm sure you will," Annie replied and quietly left through the garage door.

Harm hurried inside to find his mother cowering in the kitchen, trying to stay away from the dog who was being extremely protective of Mac. Mac was lying on the sofa, a very pained expression on her face as she held the phone to her ear.

"It's her doctor," Frank told him as he came inside. "And Colleen is not too thrilled with your mother."

"Let me guess," said Harm. "Mom tried to get close to Mac?"

"Mac was...well she pulled her knees up and started crying. Mom was trying to help her but neither the dog nor Mac would let her touch her. Then the doctor called and she's...Just see to her, Son," Frank said with a pat on Harm's shoulder.

"I will," said Harm, walking over to the couch and kneeling down beside his wife, waiting for the call to be over.

Instead though, Mac thrust the phone at Harm, biting her lip, tears streaming down her cheeks.

His eyes grew wide with concern. "Mac? Baby, what's wrong?"

Mac didn't reply and Harm didn't persue because he heard Dr. Bradley's voice still on the line, "Hello. Sarah? Hello?"

Harm put the phone to his ear. "Dr. Bradley?"

"Harm," he sighed. "Good I'm glad you're here. Is she upset?"

He looked at his wife and at the tears rolling down her face. "I'd say she is. Is something wrong? Did she call you?"

"No, I called you, but your daughter answered," he replied. "I need you to bring her in tomorrow. I have to do another small test on her. When I mentioned coming in, not even for the test she started to cry."

Harm placed a gentle hand on his distraught wife. "What do you need to do?" he asked the doctor.

"I need to take a sample of the endometrial tissue," Dr. Bradley replied. "Just to be safe I want to have pathology run over a sample a second time. It'll be quick and relatively painless. I also want to give her better painkillers. She did say she was in a lot of pain when I asked how she was."

"Yeah," said Harm. "She's been hurting this whole time. What time do you want to see her tomorrow?"

"How's noon?" he asked. "I'll be as quick as I can I promise. I just...when I got the rush report this morning I though it was best that we look at this now."

"Something bad?" asked Harm, his words unintentionally making Mac cry even harder.

"Let's take a second look," Dr. Bradley replied. "I'm sorry to upset your holiday, but as I said the sooner the better."

"Its okay," said Harm. "I know you wouldn't have called if it wasn't important. We'll be there at noon tomorrow."

"See you then," the doctor replied and ended the call.

By this time, DJ had climbed on Mac's legs and sat patting them, and AJ had subdued the dog and now knelt beside Mac holding her as best he could. Trish and Frank stood together off to the side lines, and Lucy was...nowhere to be seen.

"Where'd Lucy go?" asked Harm to everyone in general.

"I don't know," his mother replied. "She was here."

"I'll go look for her," said Harm. "How much longer until we eat?"

"About half an hour," replied Frank. "How come the dog isn't trying to bite him?" he asked referring to AJ.

"I guess because she sees him all the time," sighed Harm. "I'll be back."

Harm went down the hallway in search of his daughter. He checked the usual places - her room, DJ's room, the bathroom. When none of them proved successful, he tried the next place that came to mind. Opening the door to the walk-in closet in the master bedroom, he found her; wrapped up in Mac's dresses and crying softly.

"Lucy Bear?" he said quietly. "Why are you crying?"

"Cause Mommy's sick again and she's going to go away," Lucy sobbed hanging on to that pale cotton dress.

Harm got down on his hands and knees and crawled in beside the little girl. "What makes you think she's going to go away?"

"She's always so sick and when something in you doesn't work right you have to go away to heaven," she told him crying. "I don't want Mommy to go there; you can't come back from there."

He opened his arms to the frightened child. "Come sit with me," he said. Once she'd climbed into his lap, he held her close as he spoke. "Mommy's not going to go away to heaven. She's sick right now, but the doctor is going to make her feel better. Please, don't cry about Mommy leaving you, Button. She's not going to leave, I promise."

Lucy sniffled and snuggled close to Harm. "I tried to take care of her Daddy," Lucy whispered against his chest. "I really tried."

"I know, baby" he said, "and you did such a good job, but sometimes people get too sick for anyone except the doctors and nurses to really make them feel better. I'm so, so proud of what you did for Mommy yesterday, and for how you always take such good care of her when Daddy is away."

"Really?" Lucy asked looking at him with red puffy eyes.

He hugged her tight. "Really. You're such a big helper, Lucy. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I don't know either," Lucy said after a minute offering him a smile. "We better get out of here Daddy. Mommy was crying. She needs a big hug."

Harm smiled in return. "She sure does, and you know what? The turkey is almost ready. Are you hungry?"

Lucy nodded, "I like turkey."

"Well, let's go give Mommy that big hug," said Harm. "And then you can help Daddy and Nana get things ready so we can eat, okay?"

Lucy held onto Harm's hand as they went to the living room. She reached up and gave Mac a big hug then helped Trish with the plates. The family sat around the table, and Mac lay on to sofa, her food on a tray. She didn't eat it though, not even one bite.

"You're not eating," said Trish as she spied the untouched food on her daughter-in-law's tray. "Don't you like the sweet potatoes?"

"Yes," Mac replied but made no move to try to eat her food.

"Mac, you really need to eat," said Trish. "Even a few bites is better than nothing."

Mac weakly shook her head, "No. I'm not hungry."

"I'm sure you're not," said Trish softly. "But starving won't make you feel any better, dear."

Again Mac shook her head and whispered with her waning strength, "Leave me alone."

"I'm just trying to help," said Trish gently. "I hate to see you like this."

"Please...I can't..."she managed.

Trish looked over at Harm, who had a deeply saddened expression on his face as he witnessed the exchange between his mother and his wife. He shook his head, indicating to Trish that this was a battle she couldn't win.

Rising from his place at the table, he walked over to the sofa and, as so many times already that day, knelt down to her level. "Why can't you eat, baby?" he asked.

"Not hungry," she replied. "I'm so tired."

He caressed her forehead. "Want me to take you back to bed so you can sleep?"

"No," she replied again. "Just take this away please. I can nap here."

"Okay, sweetie," he said, leaning in to give her a gentle peck on the cheek before rising to take her tray into the kitchen.


	33. Chapter 33

Disclaimers in Chapter One

A/N: This finally concluded the Thanksgiving arc. Thanks again to all who are reading and reviewing. Special thanks to Snugglebug for her help and inspiration.

Mac woke up from her nap about an hour later and Harm did managed to get her to eat some of the pie Lucy and his mother made. It even stayed down. Once the dishes were soaking in the sink, the family all sat together and watched their traditional Thanksgiving movie, Miracle on 34th Street, the newer version. Lucy fell asleep against Harm and DJ against the Admiral. Mac fell asleep against the sofa, and for once it seemed to be restful. Finally the Admiral had left and the family had been tucked in leaving Harm and his mom the task of cleaning up.

"Harm, why don't you leave this until morning? Maybe if Mac's up to it she and I can wash the dishes and you can rest," Trish offered.

He shook his head. "No, she's not supposed to be on her feet for any length of time, even if she were to feel up to it, which…"

"Go on," Trish encouraged. She could tell Harm had a lot to exorcise.

He looked down at the plate he was washing and resumed speaking. "Before she was diagnosed, of course pretty much every day was a good one. The few months leading up to the diagnosis and a few after, those were pretty bad. About two months after the surgery, we thought, you know, things were finally getting back to the way they were before, but just when we thought that, she had that...horrible miscarriage and almost died from it, and... It seems like our life isn't even the same life we had a year ago."

"It seems that way because that's the truth, Honey," Trish told him. "You have a wife now who has a chronic illness, you have a lot more responsibilities, and part of that is your fault."

He froze and stared at his mother, unsure of what to say. "Wh...What do you mean part of it is my fault?"

"The way you treat her, Honey," Trish supplied, drying the dish he'd set in the drain. "Take today for example."

He breathed an inner sigh of relief; relief that his mom indeed did not know anything about the "Annie situation", which he should have realized, because if she knew, she'd have taken his head off and handed it to him the second she heard the news. Snapping back into the present, "All I've done today is take care of my wife, mom. That's what I'm supposed to do."

"You didn't just take care of her," Trish replied. "You coddled her you...She didn't want to eat, and you let her not eat. She wanted to stay out here even though it was very difficult for anyone to relax and enjoy themselves, especially the children, but you let her do that too. It's not right, Harm."

He sighed. "Mom, you don't understand. I'm just...I'm just trying to make her as comfortable as I can. You have no idea what that illness has done to us and to her. No idea."

"You are my concern, Harm, and I see what it's done to you," she answered and reached to gently touch his cheek like she did when he was little.

"It's not just me, Mom" he said. "Believe me, this disease...it's changed all of us. Things like this have a ripple effect on a marriage and on a family. Things...they're just so different now..."

"I know they are," Trish replied. "It's like when your father died. I had to take care of you, run the house, and I had no hope Honey. No hope left at all. You have to talk to her, convince her to have the hysterectomy."

Again, he sighed. "We've been down that road already. She won't do it. She's just not ready yet, and in fact, we actually decided..." He let his voice trail off, knowing he was about to let his mother in on something she couldn't begin to understand.

"Decided what?" Trish pressed.

"We want to try for one more baby," he said, keeping it short and simple, if anything about this could be considered short or simple.

"Harm," Trish shook her head. "Is this her desire or yours?"

"We both want another baby, Mom," he said. "She's the one who really pushed it at first, when I wanted her to have the hysterectomy, but since we decided, I've definitely softened towards the idea and I want it as badly as she does."

"But its dangerous Harm and I mean..." Trish gestured to the room. "Did you see her today? Did you look at her? She didn't not eat because she wasn't hungry that's for sure, she can barely walk..."

"I know, Mom," he said softly. "I know. I'm the one who's carrying her from one place to the other, I'm the one who's bathing her and dressing her, believe me, I know. And sure I've got some reservations about another pregnancy, I'm not about to say I don't, but it means so much to her...and to us that I can't tell her no. I tried, and it was almost more than she could handle, so we talked some more and in the end I agreed that once she has the surgery and is healed up, with her doctor's approval, we'll try again and see what happens. I know she's sick right now, believe me, that's been the focal point of our lives for the past few months." He was silent for a second before muttering, "Well, one of the focal points..." under his breath.

"That is a very selfish point of view though Harmon, you two want another child that's fine, but you have two other children that need you both in good health to care for them," Trish sighed.

"Don't you think I know that?" he asked. "I'm the one who's had to take over most of the child-raising responsibilities around here as of late, which I don't mind doing because they're my children and I love them, but it's not something anyone needs to point out to me. Believe me, I'm the first one to say the kids need their mother in good health, but..." He tossed the dish towel onto the counter in tired frustration. "It's not anything that anyone who's not in my place, my exact circumstances could possibly understand. I can't sacrifice my wife's hopes and desires just because I feel it's in her best interest, even if I use the logic that 'it's for the kids'.

"If she..." Trish stopped. That would be pushing too far.

Harm looked at his mother. "Go ahead, Mom. Say what's on your mind."

"When you were little there was nothing I wouldn't give up for you. You were my world...Lucy and DJ...they should be Mac's world, your world. You all ready have two children..." Trish started.

"They are our world, you know they are," he said firmly. "Just because we have them doesn't mean we can't long for another one, though. No one told me there was a stipulation somewhere that said once a couple had one or two kids, they weren't allowed to want any more."

"When it's impossible..." Trish began but was interrupted by a piercing wail. "Mommy! Mommy!" from Lucy's room.

Harm took off down the hallway and arrived at Lucy's room in mere seconds to find his daughter sitting up in her bed, screaming. "Baby, what's wrong?" He asked, wrapping his arms around her.

"Mommy!" Lucy continued to cry. "Mommy! I want Mommy!"

"Sweetheart," soothed Harm, "Mommy's sleeping. Do you want to go look and make sure she's sleeping okay? Would that help?"

Lucy kept screaming not listening or registering what her Daddy was saying. "I want Mommy! I want her back!" she sobbed. "You promised. You promised."

Harm looked into the frightened eyes of his little girl. "Oh, oh baby," he said. "You had a bad dream, that's all. Mommy is right across the hall; want to come with me and see?"

"Can I take my pillow and my Pooh and sleep in there?" Lucy asked.

"No sweetie," he replied softly. "Mommy's tummy hurts her right now, and we have to be very careful not to bump into her while she sleeps."

Lucy nodded and started to slip off the bed tucking her pillow under one arm and pulling on her comforter with the other one.

"Do you want to sleep on the floor?" he asked her, assuming that's the only reason she was bringing along her bedding.

"Yes, I have to stay by Mommy," Lucy said firmly. "She might need me to rub her head if her tummy is hurting."

"You're such a good helper, Lucy Bear," Harm praised.

Lucy smiled and walked with her Daddy to the master bedroom. Mac had woken to her daughter's cries and was sitting up when Lucy and Harm arrived.

"See," said Harm to Lucy. "She's right there."

"Come to Mommy, Sweetie," Mac said gently and opened her arms.

Lucy walked around to Mac's side of the bed, carefully climbed up and settled against her mother.

"I heard you crying. Did you have a bad dream?" Mac asked rocking her baby gently.

Lucy nodded. "Uh-huh. You and Grams were up in heaven together."

"Oh, I bet that was scary, huh?" Mac asked kissing Lucy's hair.

The little girl nodded. "I thought you'd gone away to heaven, and it made me really sad."

"Oh Baby, Mommy one day when she is very old, like Grams will go to heaven, but that won't be for a very long time," Mac told her. "By then you'll be all grown up and be a Mommy yourself. That's a really long time isn't it?"

"Mm-hmm," replied the child. "I don't want you to go away to heaven. I want you to stay here with Daddy forever."

"I'm not going anywhere, Sweetie. That's Mommy's promise," Mac told her fighting exhaustion as she cuddled with Lucy. "Do you think you can get some sleep now?"

"Yeah," said Lucy. "Daddy said I can sleep on the floor and if you wake up, I can rub your head."

Mac looked at Harm who simply nodded so Mac went along with it, "I'd like that very much. But you can sleep up here with Mommy."

Harm looked at his wife. "Are you sure, babe? I don't want her to kick you in the night or anything."

"I don't want her to sleep on the floor Harm," Mac sighed. "If she rolls too much we can move her there later, but I think we'll be okay."

Harm relented, knowing that if Mac was okay with having Lucy in the bed with her, he shouldn't cause a problem about it. Once Lucy was safely tucked in and Mac was comfortable again, Harm returned to the kitchen where his mother had finished the dishes and was sitting at the dining room table with a cup of tea.

"How is she?" Trish asked sipping her tea.

"They're both okay," said Harm, pulling out a chair and sitting down wearily. "Lucy is in sleeping with Mac. I may have to move her later, or I may just sleep on the floor myself."

"Why is she sleeping with Mac?" Trish asked.

"She had a nightmare that Mac was in heaven with Grams," replied Harm. "She's fine now though, she saw her mom and they talked and now, hopefully, they're both asleep again."

"This can't go on Harm," Trish sighed. "This is not good for Lucy or for DJ for that matter."

"I know, Mom," he said, trying not to sound exasperated, but failing. "She sees her doctor again tomorrow, and he said yesterday that once she heals up from this latest episode, he can go in and clean things up again and then life should, should begin to level back out." Of course he knew in his own mind that with the marriage issues they were still working on, as well as things with Annie, even once Mac's surgery was a thing of the past, life was a long was from leveling off.

"Why does he need to see her again?" Trish asked.

"He needs to repeat a test or something," said Harm, looking up at the ceiling. "I'll be so glad...we'll both be so glad when this is all over."

"Daddy!" Lucy called from the bedroom just then.

"Oh Christ, what now?" he muttered as he quickly rose from his chair and hurried down the hallway.

He walked into the bedroom to see Mac sleeping emitting little moans as she slept fitfully. Lucy was leaning on her elbow, rubbing Mac's forehead. When Harm came in she looked up at him, blue eyes wide.

"What's wrong, Button?" he asked softly.

"Mommy's making noises," Lucy told him. "And I can't make her stop."

Harm walked over to Mac's side of the bed and listened to the sounds she was making. "Its okay, Luce," he said to his daughter. "Mommy does that in her sleep sometimes when her tummy is hurting her. She's asleep, but it still hurts. I'm glad you're trying to make her feel better, though."

"Should I keep going?" Lucy asked through a yawn.

"If you want to, sure," he said, fighting a yawn of his own. "Maybe she'll stop soon. Go back to sleep, okay, baby?"

Lucy nodded and curled up next to Mac, placing a soft hand on her belly making tiny circles. That made the moans ease off a bit.

Harm, once again, returned to the kitchen to find his mother still sitting at the table. He looked at her with tired eyes before opening the door connecting the kitchen to the garage and stepping outside.

"Harmon?" she called after him. "Where are you going?"

He heard her, but instead of answering, he simply closed the door behind himself. He knew she'd follow, but he didn't much care.

Trish rose from the table and followed him, "Harm?"

He didn't hear her that time. He walked around to the far interior side of the garage, to the right of his SUV, dug out a folding chair from the small pile against the wall, opened it and sat down.

Trish walked into the garage and looked around until she saw Harm sitting on a folding chair. "Why are you sitting out here?"

He shook his head, staring off into space.

Trish knelt in front of him, tenderly rubbing his arms, "Sweetie. Harm talk to me."

"It's crazy, Mom," he said softly. "Every single, little thing about my life right now is...is crazy."

"Oh Sweetie," Trish smiled gently. "You said yourself she'll get better. Why? What happened in the bedroom?"

"She's making noises in her sleep," he said. "She's hurting even while she's trying to sleep. It's killing me not to be able to take away that pain."

"Is there anything I can...Maybe you should reconsider my offer," Trish said softly. "That way you're only responsible for Mac until she's stronger."

He was silent for a few moments, thinking. "Maybe you're right," he finally said with a sigh. "Maybe getting them away from this mess for a little while would do them and us some good. It's not solely my call, though, you know that."

"I know," she smiled and stroked his cheek. "But at least consider it. I love you, you know that."

He reached up and covered her hand with his. "I know. I love you, too."


	34. Chapter 34

**Disclaimers found in Chapter One.**

**A/N: Once again thanks to all those who have reviewed and to Snugglebug for working tirelessly with me on this and for being a friend I can count on. **

**I've noticed many reviewers are commenting that Mac is being selfish or is blaming Harm when she is just as much at fault, and other comments to that effect. I'd like to just state that this story is nearly two thirds of the way finished and each little comment and event carefully planned out to lead to the drops, twists and turns that need to taken to reach the ending of this journey. All of these behaviors and issues you are all seeing are necessary and will be addressed by the appropriate characters in due time. There is a method to this madness, just stick with me. You may be shocked, but not disappointed.**

At noon the next day Harm had gotten Mac to Dr. Bradley's office. She'd slept most of the night awakening only once for her medication which was barely making a dent in her pain. Lucy slept securely between them, needing to be near her mother and cuddled close by her father. Now, Mac lay on the table, eyes closed while Harm sat next to her and awaited the doctor's entrance.

"Try to relax, sweetie," he said softly. "I know you're scared, but it'll be okay."

"I don't understand," she whispered, her normal tone of voice for now.

"I know," he said as he took her hand. "I'm not sure what he's worried about, either, but we trust him and his judgment, so let's just do our best to think positive."

"Don't let it hurt okay?" she said reminding him so much of Lucy asking things of him that were impossible.

"I'll do everything I can to keep it from hurting," he answered, knowing there was likely very little he'd be able to do aside from trying to keep her attention pointed elsewhere as the doctor worked.

"Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Rabb," a doctor they'd never seen before said as he entered the room. "I'm here to start your IV. I'm Dr. Urani."

"Is she getting painkillers through an IV for this?" asked Harm.

"Yes, Sir," the young student replied. "Dr. Bradley said she's a special case. She's getting a local to for the biopsy."

That got Mac's attention, "Biopsy? Why?"

Harm squeezed her hand and spoke reassuringly to her. "He said he just needs to take a little sample of the lining of your uterus to recheck one of the tests from the other day. Nothing to be afraid of, baby."

"What's he looking for? Why..." She fussed eyes opened wide now with fear.

"I'll let Dr. Bradley answer that," Dr. Urani replied. "Just rest easy and let that IV work. He'll be here shortly.

Harm continued to hold Mac's hand, placing soft kisses on her forehead every so often until the doctor and his nurse arrived a short time later.

"How are you doing this morning, Sarah?" Dr. Bradley asked.

"Scared," she replied, her voice weak and tired.

"There's nothing to be scared of," the doctor comforted. "Much pain since the D&C?"

"Lots," she answered.

"And not much energy either, huh?" he asked, concerned at the level of weakness she was experiencing. "Are you eating?"

"A little bit," she said. "Not hungry, though."

"You have to try though, I'm going to have my nurse weigh you before you leave today," Dr. Bradley said. "Can you put your feet in the stirrups for me, Sarah?"

"Yeah," she answered softly, moving her legs slowly up as the doctor had instructed.

Harm and the nurse had to help her with this trick, but finally she was settled. "You'll feel a little pinch while I administer the local. Harm, why don't you go down the hall with Eliza, you need to see how to give Sarah her medication once I give you the new script."

"How to give it to her?" questioned Harm. "Is it not a pill like the last one?"

"She's on the highest pill dosage I can give her," Dr. Bradley replied. "And I don't like to give morphine which is the next step. This is better."

Harm nodded before turning to his wife. "I'll be back as soon as he's done, okay?"

Mac shook her head, "No."

"Sarah, you won't even feel it and this way you can get home to your kids instead of laying her and waiting for Harm. Okay? I promise you, if it starts to hurt I'll have Celia go and get him," Dr. Bradley said gently.

"If you need me, baby" said Harm, "I'll come running, I promise."

Slowly Mac nodded and closed her eyes again, her breathing evening out. "Is she asleep?" Dr. Bradley asked.

"She might be," said Harm. "She hasn't been sleeping very well, plus whatever's in the IV might make her tired, right?"

"It could, that's a fast drip Demerol," Dr. Bradley replied. "How she's been really?"

"About as good as we could expect, given everything," answered Harm. "She's been a bit emotional, but then again I was talking about sending our kids away to be with my Mom."

"Nixed that one, huh?" the doctor smiled.

"Uh, huh," Harm replied. "I knew she would but I thought it could be better for the kids. Anyway, I digress. What are you expecting to find? I mean, what's the need in repeating this test?"

"The sample I sent from the D&C showed some abnormalities. I want to double check to make sure everything is okay," Dr. Bradley told him. "Don't worry, there's still not a reason to."

"If you say so," said Harm. "Though I find it a little hard not to worry when the word 'abnormality' comes up."

"It's probably just a cell cluster," the doctor said. "But I like to be extra careful."

Harm nodded. "Well, there's nothing wrong with being careful. How long will this take?"

"Not long, about half and hour," Dr. Bradley replied. "Go on to see Eliza. I'll take good care of her."

With another nod, Harm followed the second nurse out of the room, saying a silent prayer that his wife would stay asleep and not feel even a hint of pain during the procedure.

Forty-five minutes later, Mac was just starting to wake up from her nap, the test having been completed. She blinked her eyes twice and focused on her hand, and the large one around it. "Harm? Is it over?"

He smiled. "Yeah, it's over. You did just awesome, sweetie."

"My stomach hurts," she told him grimacing.

"Your actual stomach, or your abdomen?" he asked.

"Everything," she replied. "What did he do to me?"

"He didn't do much, baby" soothed Harm. "He just went in and got a little tissue sample, that's all. The whole thing didn't take more than maybe 20 minutes."

"Harm, I'm not kidding and I'm not whining," she told him. "I'm really in pain here."

She spoke those words with amazing strength given how weak and tired she'd been the last day or so.

Harm's expression immediately became one of concern. "Where does it hurt the most?"

"Down lower, but its radiating up and to the side," she explained closing her eyes against the pain. "Oh..." She moaned softly and tried to pull up her knees.

"No, no," he said gently. "Try to stay on your back. Do you feel like you're bleeding?"

"Yeah," she nodded. "Harm, I'm scared. It really hurts."

"Okay, baby," he said. "Can I look and see if you're bleeding, or do you want me to go find a nurse?"

"Go ahead," she whispered. "I'd rather it be you."

"Not too much," he said. "But some."

"Harm, I'm not feeling really well," she said as he rejoined her. "Its getting..." She gritted her teeth and closed her eyes again.

"I'm going to go find someone," he said. "I'll be back in just a second."

Breathing deeply Mac nodded her head and waited for Harm to come back when he did he had Dr. Bradley with him. "What's wrong Sarah?" he asked coming to her side and touching her forehead.

"It hurts," she said, the pain in her body evident in her voice.

"Okay, let me check you," Dr. Bradley said gently. "Can you pick up your legs for me?"

She shook her head, and looked at her husband silently asking him to help her move.

"Can I help her, doc?" he asked.

"Yeah, help her as much as you can," he replied. "I just need to take a look. I'll be gentle I promise."

After a few agonizing minutes the doctor slid back, "Harm, step outside with me please?" he asked. "Celia, can you give Mrs. Rabb .5 Demerol IM."

"I'll be right back," he whispered to his wife, kissing the back of her hand before following the doctor into the hallway.

"I have some more work to do in there," he replied. "The biopsy started her bleeding again and she's swelling rapidly. I'm going to need her another two or three hours. You have anywhere to be?"

"Not really," answered Harm. "My mom's keeping the kids, but she and my step-dad have an engagement with a client of his at 1600, so I may not be able to stay here the whole time."

"Can you make other arrangements for the kids? I may need her until five or six. She needs to recover after I finish," Dr. Bradley said.

Harm rubbed his brow with his hand. "I'll try. Let me make a call and see, but go ahead and do whatever she needs, don't let me hold you up."

"Okay, it's just another D&C," the doctor replied. "Don't rush you can't come in anyway."

"All right," said Harm, reaching for his cell phone. "I'll go figure something out, and I'll be in the waiting room when you're ready for me."

With a nod, the doctor went to attend to Mac.

Harm walked outside and dialed the first person who came to mind, AJ. Unfortunately, the retired Admiral had a conflict and wasn't available. The same was true with the Roberts, both of them. After grinding his brain for a few minutes, he decided he was down to only 2 people: Annie and Mic. He knew better than to willingly bring Annie into this situation; once Mac got to feeling even a little better, she'd shoot him for that. With great reluctance, he dialed information and asked for Mic's number. Five minutes later, he had a babysitter, not to mention a nagging feeling in his gut that this would come back to haunt him somehow.

It was just after six when Harm and Mac returned to the house. They entered the living room, Mac safe in Harm's arms holding a bag of medical supplies that they would need. The strains of Waltzing Matilda came strongly from the kitchen, Mic's strong voice accompanied by Lucy's soft one and DJ's occasional murmurs.

"Mic's here?" Mac asked lifting her head from Harm's shoulder.

"Mm-hmm," replied Harm as he carried Mac to the bedroom. "I was in a pinch, and he was the only one who was available to keep the kids."

"I don't want to go the bedroom. We have a guest," Mac told him. "Put me on the couch."

"You sure, baby?" he asked. "You need to rest."

"I'm in too much pain to rest, Honey," Mac whispered. "Am I'm a bit hungry."

"Well then," said Harm with a little smile. "Let's get you settled on the couch and I'll fix you whatever your little heart desires."

"Some left over sweet potatoes," Mac replied shifting so her feet were on the sofa.

"Coming right up, my love," he said, giving her lips a kiss before heading to the kitchen, where Mic and the kids were still having their little Australian sing-along.

"Daddy!" Lucy exclaimed when she saw him. "Uncle Mic's teaching us a new song!"

"I heard that!" said Harm with a big smile on his face. "Were you a good girl for Uncle Mic?"

"Yes," Lucy nodded.

"She was a gem, Harm," Mic smiled. "So was the little guy, even the dog behaved well," Mic smiled and took a plate of turkey, stuffing, and potatoes out of the microwave. "Hungry mate?"

"Yeah," replied Harm. "But first I need to get Mac some sweet potatoes."

"Oh, I'll get it," Mic replied. "How's she doing? Lucy, why don't you and DJ go say hi to Mommy?"

"She's better," said Harm. "She's not over this by any means, but she's better than she was 2 days ago."

"Why so long then?" he asked dishing up some sweet potatoes as he watched Lucy and DJ scamper off.

"She had to have a second procedure done," explained Harm, a little unsettled at the conversation, but knowing since he asked Mic to keep the kids, he had to tell him a little bit. "There was a little complication with the first one, so the doc had to take care of it."

"But she's okay?" he asked. "I'm so worried about her."

"So am I," said Harm. "She's well enough for the moment, but like I said she's not over this yet."

"Will she be back to work on Monday?" Mic asked, taking out the plate and stirring them to make sure they didn't get watery.

"No," replied Harm. "She won't be back until after she has and recovers from the next surgery, so we're looking at a minimum of another 6 weeks."

Mic nodded, and took the plate out the microwave, "All set for Sarah," he smiled. "Should I..."

"No, thanks," said Harm, reaching out for the plate. "I'll get it, you go ahead and eat, yours is getting cold."

Mic finally left an hour later, after helping clean up the dishes and putting DJ in his bed. Mac meanwhile fell asleep on the couch with Lucy in her arms.

Harm changed into his lounge clothes and poured himself a glass of orange juice before settling into his recliner to unwind. This weekend had taken a toll on him, and he knew this was only the beginning; that the most important operation was still several weeks away, not to mention everything else that was raging amidst his life: work, his family, Annie... Setting the juice glass on the table, he laid back the chair and slowly drifted off, hoping his dreams would be better than his life, at least for now.

**Next in Can We Ever Get Back to Before: Mac begins her recovery from surgery by sharing so quality time with her husband. Harm's superhuman pace begins to catch up with him. Mac addresses concerns she has about the shifting balance in their marriage.**


	35. Chapter 35

See previous chapters for notes and disclaimers.

Somehow Harm and Mac made it through the weeks leading up to the operation. Finally the day was upon them. Harm stayed by Mac's side the entire time he was allowed and held her hand. She came through the surgery like a trooper and soon was well enough to go home, though Dr. Bradley said there was likely still one more minor procedure in her future.

"Do you want to lie in the bed or on the couch?" he asked Mac as he carried her inside, a scene which had become all-too-routine in the 3 weeks since Thanksgiving.

"I don't want to lay, Honey," Mac replied. "I want to sit on the sofa with you behind me."

"But won't that hurt your incisions?" he asked.

"Not if I do it right," she sighed. "Plus, I'm tired of lying down. I'm tired of feeling sick and weak. I want to do so many things."

"I know you do, baby," he said. "But we're finally past this operation, everything is cleaned up, for the most part, and there's some light at the end of this tunnel. Let's just be really careful not to cause any set-backs, okay?" He finished his question with a sniffle.

Mac nodded, "Maybe I better lie down then. And you too, you have the sniffles. Is AJ keeping the kids overnight?"

"Yeah, he is" answered Harm as he carried Mac to the bedroom. "I'll get you taken care of, and then I'll make myself some tea with honey and lemon. I'm getting a scratchy throat, probably all the cold, dry air this time of year."

Mac nodded, "I want to talk when you come back. About something nice, like Commander McCool said we should do. You know what we could do?"

"No, tell me," said Harm as he laid her down gently and pulled the covers over her.

"We could go to the fireplace and take all the bedding there and lie together over there," Mac suggested.

He thought for a second. "Are you sure you can be comfortable over there?"

"With all the quilts, yeah," Mac replied. "Please it'll bring back memories. Remember when we first bought this house, what I told you that night in front of the fire?"

He smiled. "I'll never forget it, babe. Let me go get my tea, and I'll come back and move you down there. You want anything to drink? Do you need a pain pill yet?"

"No," Mac replied. "You know I'm going to miss the shots."

Harm sneezed. "Yeah, that Demerol is good stuff."

"No, its more I could eat better on them. They didn't upset my stomach like the pills do."

"Well, if it gets too bad," said Harm. "We'll see about getting you something for your stomach. I'll be back in just a sec, okay?"

Mac nodded and lay back against the pillow waiting for Harm to come back. This was going to be so nice, just being together by their fireplace, holding each other. He'd been so wonderful these last few weeks, taking care of her every need, holding her when the pain was so bad she could do nothing but cry, and encouraging her when she wanted to throw in the towel and give up. Finally he was back and he gently lifted her into his arms, bringing her to the sofa where he left her until he'd set up a cocoon of blankets for them by the fire.

Carefully he lowered her to the floor on top of the blankets and lay down beside her taking her into his arms and letting her head rest against his chest.

Mac rubbed his chest lightly, "Do you really remember the first time we did this?"

"I really do," he answered softly. "It was the night you told me I was going to be a Daddy for the first time. I remember it like it was yesterday; you had on this little pink dress, and your hair was a little shorter than it is now, but you had this glow about you that was...there's never been anything like it."

"You have a Swiss cheese memory there Flyboy," Mac teased.

"Oh, I do, huh?" he smiled, taking a sip of his tea and sniffling yet again. "Well, please fill in the gaping holes, my dear?"

"Let's see we were lying here in each other's arms..."

**March 1999**

_"What's wrong?" he asked her as they lay together in front of the roaring fire. _

_"I have something to tell you," Mac whispered not lifting her head from his chest._

_"Okay," he whispered in reply, brushing her hair off her forehead. "I'm listening."_

_"I went to doctors today," she told him. "And he found a little something."_

_Harm sat up a little and turned to look at her. "Is it bad?"_

_"No I think its pretty good," she smiled. "I'm pregnant."_

_Harms eyes grew wide with surprise. "Pregnant? Are you sure? How did...were we even trying?"_

_"Well, we weren't not trying," Mac__ replied. _

_His eyes remained wide as he tried to process the news. "Well, no, but I thought you at least knew when we had to be a little 'extra careful', did you not? I mean, wow, Mac, this...wow..."_

_"I did but...I thought you'd be happy," Mac said feeling tears sting her eyes but her pride would still not let her show emotion in front of her new husband._

_"I...I..." He couldn't get his brain and his mouth to work in conjunction. "I am happy, Mac. I'm just surprised is all. I didn't think we'd have a baby this soon, you know? I'm not sure we're ready, though I suppose the time for thinking about that is a little bit past."_

_"You don't act happy," Mac sighed and sat up. "I have your child inside me Harm, our child. We should be over the moon but instead...This isn't how I dreamed it would be. I knew I should have waited."_

_"No, Mac," he sighed. "You're right; I'm being a jerk about this and that's so wrong of me. This isn't how I dreamed this would go, either, you know, finding out my wife was having a baby?"_

_"How did you dream it?" she asked settling back against him._

_"Well," he began. "I dreamed that we'd be sitting in front of a nice, warm fire. She'd say she had something to tell me, and I'd ask her what it was. She'd tell me that she'd been to the doctor and that the doctor had found something. I'd look at her and ask her if it was bad, and she'd tell me no, it was good. I'd keep looking at her, and she'd say she was pregnant."_

_"That's what just happened," Mac replied._

_"Indeed it is," said Harm. "But there's more."_

_"Oh yeah.__ What?" she asked._

_"Well," he continue. "After she told me she was pregnant, I'd get this huge grin on my face, and then I'd pull her into a long, sweet kiss."_

_"And that's where it all went to Hell," Mac sighed._

_"Only because I let it," he said softly. "Can I have a 'do over'?"_

Present

"I still can't believe you repeated every bit of it," laughed Harm. "Word-for-word, and didn't skip a single syllable."

"Well I really wanted that kiss, Sailor," Mac smiled. "I can't wait to do that again, to tell you again."

"I know," he replied gently. "I can't wait to be told again. There's just nothing like learning that you and the person you love most in the world have created a new little life together."

"We do have two beautiful children though, although I'm still worried about Lucy," Mac sighed and snuggled deeper.

"Me too," he said, reaching for a tissue. "She'll be okay, though. She's tough, just like her mother." He leaned down and gave her a kiss atop the head.

"Still I think we need to make an appointment to see her doctor," Mac told him. "See how she's really doing. She still sleeps with us three or four times a week, the other nights she wakes up screaming."

He sighed. "True. We should head this off at the pass, before it goes on too long and becomes a huge thing. I know she'll be fine after she gets over...things."

"I'm surprised your mother didn't want to take the kids with her when she went home," Mac sighed hand still rubbing his chest.

"She offered," he said. "But I felt they'd be better off here, plus I didn't want them to be so far away from us. They've had enough upheaval in their lives since...um... since I got back from Philadelphia. They've dealt with a lot lately and I felt that would be too much."

Mac nodded, "How are you doing with everything Harm?"

He was silent for a moment. "I'm...doing okay, I think. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I'm...I'm getting there. I think - actually, I know - a lot of things changed in Belleville."

"They did," Mac replied. "For the better I think, even though I've been such a burden to you lately. One thing has been the same throughout though."

"You're not a burden, sweetheart," he said. "What's been the same throughout?"

"How much I love you," Mac replied. "I love you so much, Harm. That never changed no matter what I said, it was never what I felt."

He gave her a gentle squeeze. "I love you, too, babe. No matter what horrible mistakes I've made or what awful things I've said, I love you more than anything, and I always will."

Mac smiled a bit then laid against him in silence, "Can I have some tea please, with sugar not honey?"

"Of course you can" he replied. "Anything else while I'm out there?"

"I think I'm ready for a pill," she replied shifting slightly so he could get up.

"One pill and a cup of tea with sugar," he said as he carefully slid out from behind her. "Sit tight; I won't be gone long."

Mac lay and waited again, thankful things had started to turn out better. When Harm came back to her, she regarded him with a gentle look.

"What?" he asked with a little smile as he handed her the pill and then the tea cup.

"When was the last time you slept more than a few hours?" she asked, taking in the dark circles under his eyes.

"What month is it again?" he asked with a little laugh.

"December," Mac replied. "Be serious."

"All right," he said. "Umm...it's been at least a week or two since I've gone more than 5 hours in a row."

"That's my fault, I'm sorry," she apologized taking the pill.

"Don't be sorry, sweetie," he said. "You needed me to take care of you, and I was glad to be able to do it. Especially after...you know..."

"You do know there are still some things we need to address, regarding that and things that came up in therapy," Mac told him.

"I know," he said with a nod as a nasty sneeze came over him. "Wow, that was not fun," he said as he reached for the tissue box again.

Mac's brows knitted, "You okay Baby?"

"Mm-hmm," he replied as he wiped his nose a little. "I'm okay. What do you want to talk about?"

"That's the fourth sneeze since we've been home," Mac told him. "You sure you're okay?"

He nodded. "Maybe I'm catching a cold or something," he said as he carefully slipped in behind her again. "Since when do you count my sneezes, beautiful?"

"Since I'm worried about you," she said softly. "You hardly sleep, you work all day, take care of me and the kids all night...It would be hard on anyone."

He yawned. "It's not easy, no," he agreed. "But it's what I live for; what I love to do. When I think about how I almost lost it, all of it, because of that one stupid night... Honestly, baby, there's no place I'd rather be than here with you and the kids, no matter if I'm sleeping or not sleeping, working or not working, you three are the most important things in all the world to me."

"I know," she smiled. "But that does bring up a point we need to discuss," Mac said wiggling out of his arms in order to rise.

"Where are you going?" he asked. "You're not supposed up be up by yourself tonight."

"I'm only going to the office, I'll be right back," she told him and carefully started to make her way to his office.

Mac returned a few moments later not at all unsteady on her feet carrying a manila folder. "We need to talk about these," she said as she carefully lowered herself down to the quilts again.

He recognized right away the folder in her hand. "Where did you find that?" he asked.

"In the desk drawer where we keep the kids school stuff," Mac replied. "What are these? Do we have to pay all these?" she asked. "Can we pay all these?"

Harm sighed. "The insurance company seems to think we do, but I'm sure you know I'm not about to pay all that without a fight."

"You do what you think is best, but what I want to know is why they were stuffed inside Lucy's preschool folder. Why didn't you tell me about them or at least...why did you hide them? You promised you weren't going to do that anymore." Mac said this softly, gently, not accusing, in fact she snuggled over to him to let him know she was not angry that she only wanted answers.

"Sweetie, the last thing you need to be concerned with right now is our medical coverage," said Harm.

"Are you concerned with it?" she asked.

"Of course," he replied softly as she leaned against his chest. "This kind of thing happens all the time, the insurance big wigs claim something was 'unnecessary' or 'wasn't pre-approved' or whatever, and the patient gets 100 percent on the bills. We're lawyers, babe, we're not about to play their little games. I'm taking care of it, but for the moment, all I want to take care of is you." He took the folder, closed it and laid it off to the side.

"Harm..." Mac stiffened in his embrace. "This is what you always do. You always do this and it has to stop Honey, for both our sakes."

"I'm not avoiding the issue all together," he said. "Like I would have done in the past. I just don't want to talk about $30,000 worth of insurance bills with my wife the same night she comes home from having surgery, that's all. I've already called and spoken with a couple of people in the government benefits department, and I'm actually making some headway. I promise you, baby, it's being dealt with."

"That's not what I mean," Mac sighed. "Not at all." She snuggled closer still telling him with her body this was to be a discussion, not a confrontation.

"Tell me then," he said softly, rubbing her arm as he spoke. "What do you mean?"

"You always do everything yourself, since we've been married you've made almost every decision yourself. You consult me when your mind is all ready made up and since I've been sick it's gotten worse," Mac sighed. "I'm still the same woman that pulled you onto that helo in Yuma, the same woman that can kickbox the crap out of a heavy bag, and the same woman who survived with you in the Russian taiga, yet you seem to think that this," she held up her wedding ring. "Makes me weak."

"No, baby," he replied. "I think of you as a lot of things, but weak is not one of them. I'm your husband, though, and it's my job to take care of you and protect you, and it's also my job to handle things like that." He nodded towards the folder he's set aside. "The way I see it, if you have to physically endure everything that those bills are for, the very least I can do is deal with the business aspect of everything."

"Fine, I understand it in respect to this, but let me ask you something, whose idea was my leaving JAG?" Mac asked.

**Late March 2002**

_Mac lay in bed, the place she'd been for the last three months, balancing her cup of herbal tea on her huge baby belly. "I'll be so glad when its here," she sighed as she watched Harm get dressed for work. "I'm gross."_

****

_"No, you're not," he told her, leaning down to kiss her lips. "You're beautiful."_

_"No I am gross," Mac whined. "I have no shoes that fit, I can't wear my wedding ring anymore...I'm so bloated I fell like a beached whale...and I couldn't even move from this bed if I wanted to."_

_"Just think about how it's all temporary, sweetie," he said, his hands against her belly. "Only six more weeks until we get to meet this little one in here, and this will all be a thing of the past."_

_"How did I get here anyway?" she asked. "I had Lucy with no trouble."_

_"You didn't have the same job situation when you were pregnant with her as you have now," he said. "Your schedule is crazy, you travel at least ten days of every month, and I'm sure being shoved down those stairs on that investigation in Sarasota didn't help you one bit."_

_"That's life at JAG though, Honey, and with two kids it's likely to get worse instead of better," Mac sighed and rubbed her tummy._

_"I know," he said softly. "That's why I think it'd be best if you gave some thought to making a little career change of sorts. I'd like to see you put your name into the hat to become the JAG liaison in the SecNav's office."_

_Mac continued to rub her belly, "And give up JAG? Give up being your partner?"_

_"In the working sense," he said. "Yes, but it'd just be a much easier job as far as demands go, Mac. You wouldn't have to travel but maybe a couple of weeks all year, the workload would be completely different; it's something I'd really like to see you do."_

_"I don't know Harm..." Mac hesitated. "I just...I don't know."_

_"There are so many good points about it," he said. "I named the biggest ones, but there are others: a slower-paced atmosphere, less demand of your time, it's the kind of position you could do just awesome with, babe."_

_"I might not even get it, and I'm sensing you really want me to leave JAG, but doing that would mean giving up the Marines? Mac sighed and soothed the baby as it kicked._

_"No, it wouldn't," he said. "I met with Admiral Chegwidden today, and he said if you're interested in that position, it's yours. He can make it happen, just like that."_

_Mac sighed, "Do you really want me to do this?" she asked sensing he'd not let it go until she gave in._

_He looked her in the eye. "I really do. This pregnancy has been hard on you, mostly because of things at work. I don't want those things to continue being hard on you once we've got two children to take care of."_

_"All right, then," Mac sighed. "I'll give it a try."_

Present

"It was our decision," he said. "I brought it up, but we talked about it and decided together."

"No, Honey, it was more like you pushed and I gave in," Mac replied. "And whose idea was it to call Lucy Lucy?"

"We both liked that name," he said. "At least, I thought we did."

"We did, but you made such a hard case for it…Honey, most of the decisions that you make are good decision, but you make most of them before we even talk about them, don't you see that?" Mac asked. "It's like with these bills, I was lying here doing nothing, I could argue with the insurance guy."

He began to speak, but instead stopped and thought for a moment. "You know," he said. "You have a point. I never realized it until now, but you're right. I make my mind up about things before I ever give you a chance to tell me what you think." He sighed and gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze. "I'm sorry, baby."

"Don't be sorry, I just want to know why you do it," Mac sighed. "I don't understand why at work you ask my opinion over everything but at home you don't ask me what dishwashing liquid to buy."

He shrugged. "I can't really explain it. I guess when it comes to being your husband, I feel like I'm supposed to take charge and make decisions. I didn't exclude you from the insurance stuff, or anything else for that matter, with a deliberate thought of keeping you in the dark. I just felt it was up to me to handle it, that's all it boils down to."

Mac sighed accepting this as part of Harm and deciding to let it be, "Hey, do you realize what we just did?"

"Hmm," thought Harm aloud. "No, what'd we just do?"

"We had a conversation. We actually had a serious conversation without yelling at each other or jumping each other or anything. Vera would be so proud," Mac smiled and squirmed a bit.

"You okay?" he asked. "Is this position hurting you? Need me to move?"

"I am starting to hurt," she admitted. "But I want to stay here. Maybe some more pillows?"

"Okay, sure," he said softly, moving out from behind her very carefully. He went and grabbed the last two pillows from their bed and brought them back with him. "Where do you want these, sweetie?"

"One under my hips and the other behind my back," she told him. "Usual places."

As he'd done so many times in the past, Harm gently positioned the pillows in the places Mac asked him to, being extra careful so as not to pull her the wrong way and hurt her incisions. "Want me to sit behind you?"

Before Mac could reply their phone rang. "Oh no," she groaned. "If it's not AJ we're not getting it."

Harm picked up the handset and looked at the caller ID screen. "It's AJ," he said to Mac as he pressed the button and answered it. "Rabb Residence."

"Harm," AJ said in that tone of voice. "What am I suppose to do about this?" The retired Admiral held the phone so Harm could hear Lucy crying once again for her mother.

Harm sighed. "Put her on. I'll see what I can do."

AJ brought the phone to Lucy and held it to her ear, "Mommy?" she sobbed into the phone.

"No, Button," said Harm. "It's Daddy. Why are you so upset?"

"I want to see Mommy," she sniffed. "I want to go home."

"But you're at Uncle AJ's house," said Harm with an excitement in his voice. "I bet he's going to make you and DJ pancakes in the morning, with the chocolate chip eyes and the whipped cream hair. You don't want to miss those!"

"But Mommy..."

"Mommy's okay, baby," said Harm. "She's right here next to me, and she's comfortable and she's just fine. Would you like to tell her goodnight?"

Lucy sniffed again, "Yes. But I still wanna come home and sleep with you."

Harm handed Mac the phone. "She wants to tell you goodnight," he whispered. "But then she wants to come home and sleep with us. See what you can do."

Mac nodded, "Hey, Lucy," she said brightly.

"Mommy," cried the child. "I miss you. I wanna come sleep with you and Daddy."

"Oh, sweetie," said Mac gently. "Daddy needs to take care of Mommy, and we need you to stay with Uncle AJ and help take care of DJ. You can be Uncle AJ's big helper."

"But I don't wanna stay," sobbed Lucy. "I wanna help Daddy take care of you."

"I know, Lucy Bear," said Mac. "But Daddy and Mommy need you to stay where you are, okay? Tomorrow, after Uncle AJ makes you happy face pancakes and you get dressed, you can watch some cartoons and then before you know it, it'll be time for us to bring you home. Can you go be my big girl tonight and help take care of your brother?"

Lucy was still upset, but slowly calmed down the more her mother spoke to her. "Okay," she choked out. "Can Uncle AJ read me another story?"

"He sure can, if you ask him nicely," said Mac. "After that, you can curl up with Pooh Bear and go to sleep, and then I bet he'll let you help mix the batter for the pancakes when you get up."

"Can I put the smiley faces on them, too?" she asked her mother.

"I'm sure he'd be happy to let you do that, baby," she answered. "Mommy needs to lay down some more right now, and you do, too, so let's get off the phone and get some sleep, okay?"

"Okay," said Lucy, hiccupping a little from being so upset. "I love you, Mommy. Night-night."

"I love you, too, Lucy Bear," said Mac. "Night-night." With that, Mac ended the call and handed the phone back to Harm.

"All settled down?" he asked her.

"Yeah, I think she is," replied Mac. "She's over tired, I could tell just by how she was carrying on."

"Mm-hmm," agreed Harm. "She should be okay now, though. I think she just needed to know you're alright."

"Probably so," said Mac softly.

"Are you okay?" Harm asked her. "How's your pain?"

"It's there," she replied. "I'm still not sure he got everything but at least it's not constant, so far."

"That's good to hear," he said. "Want me to sit behind you?" He'd asked her that before the phone rang, but he was still waiting for an answer.

"No," she replied. "I want you to sit next to me. And put on a movie."

"Sure, I can do that," he said. "Any preference on the movie?"

"A chick movie, something sappy," Mac told him.

"Sappy...sappy..." muttered Harm as he flipped through their DVD collection. "Forever Young?"

"Nah," Mac shook her head. "I never like that one that much."

"Okay," he said as he continued flipping through movie after movie. "Steel Magnolias?"

"That's good, funny with just the right bit of tears at the end," she sighed.

With a smile, Harm took the disc out of the case and popped it into the DVD player before joining his wife, sitting beside her, just as she'd asked him to do.

Mac snuggled up next to Harm laying her head against his chest and watched the film. Occasionally he'd laugh out loud as would she would, until the ending scene when Mac found herself overwhelmed by emotions, more so than the many times they'd seen this film.

"Hey," he said as he wrapped his arm around her. "You okay? You don't usually cry this much at that ending."

Mac clung a bit tighter to him and sniffled, "I...What if that were us?" she asked. "What would you do?"

"I'd be...devastated," he answered softly. "But, I'd have to pick myself up off the ground and make life as good as possible for the kids. I'd hate it, but somehow I'd find a way to do it."

"Would you ever get remarried?" she asked him softly.

"I doubt it very strongly," he said. "You're the only one for me, Mac. No one else could possibly compare."

"That's not what I wanted you to say," she sniffed and rubbed her cheek on his chest. "I'd want you to get married again, be happy. Promise me you will, Harm."

"Where's this coming from, baby?" he asked gently. "You're not going to die anytime soon, at least not as far as we know. Why are you so concerned about my happiness after you're gone?"

"I guess that biopsy he did got me thinking about it, but I was so sick then I never had the strength to bring it up," Mac replied. "And I sort of had this dream while I was under the anesthetic."

"What'd you dream about?" he asked as he kept his arm around her.

"We were...I don't know I just know I was in a lot of pain lying on the floor and you were there with me, encouraging me, but I knew...you know. I made you promise me to take care of our babies Harm, and I saw the scene from outside my body, I didn't survive that episode Harm and one of these days, it might be too late," she cried. "I was so scared that day with Lucy. So scared that I would never see you again, or hold my babies again."

"Oh, sweetie," he said, pulling her a little closer - carefully - and placing a kiss atop her head. "I know that had to be horribly scary for you, but you got through it. We've been through a lot these last few months, and even then things were at their worst, we got through it somehow. Try not to worry about what could have happened, and be glad that everything came out okay."

"It's just..." she sobbed.

"Hey..." he soothed, holding her as close as he felt he could without hurting her. "Let it out. I know, this has all been an enormous burden on you, and I'm sorry I've done things to add to it."

She did as he said and cried for all she was worth, feeling him there holding onto her. When she was finally done, her eyes burned and her abdomen ached from the demand she'd made on it.

"I'm sorry," she sighed sniffing. "I wanted this night to be for you. That's why I suggested we cuddle by the fire."

He looked confused. "Why did anything need to be for me? You're the one who had surgery, baby."

"But you were the one who had to carry me everywhere, bathe me, take care of me and after the way I treated you before Grams' passed...I wanted to give you something special tonight," Mac whispered.

"Why...why would you want to do anything for me tonight," he asked. "After what you went through today? You've got three little cuts in your abdomen, sweetie. That kind of limits...'things', don't you think?"

"Maybe just a little bit," she whispered reaching over to place a kiss on his lips, and not a chaste kiss but one of love and devotion, one that told him how much he meant to her.

Her action surprised him, but he wasn't about to pull away. He took in her kiss, savoring every second, thinking about how he'd come so close to losing her forever with his mistake in Mexico.

She deepened the kiss sliding her tongue between his teeth the finally pulling back, "Soon my love," she whispered.

He nodded. "Not soon enough for me," he whispered, cupping her face with his hand.

"If you really want to..." Mac began still on some level afraid denying him would mean the end of their fragile union.

"Oh, Mac, no," he said, gently yet adamantly. "There's no way I'd do that to you, baby. It'd mess up all the work Dr. Bradley did in there today, not to mention it'd hurt you something awful. No, sweetie; I didn't mean I wanted to do that tonight. Well, I do, but we're not even going to try."

She looked down and shook her head.

"Hey," he whispered, touching her chin with his fingers and raising it so their eyes could meet. "I'm not rejecting you because I want to. I'm just...protecting you."

She shook her head again, he didn't understand, and she had no words.

"Mac, baby" he said softly. "Please, talk to me. You wanted tonight to be something special, right?"

"I'm still so afraid that if you...if you can't make love to me..."

"What? If I can't make love to you, I'll... I'll leave?" he asked. "I won't, baby. Honest to God, you're the only one I ever want to be with from now until the end of time."

"I guess," Mac replied. "It's a silly fear but...this is a silly request too," she smiled.

His concerned gaze softened a bit as he saw her smile. "Request?"

"Can you...I'm very tired," she sighed. "Could you tell me a story about us?"

"A story about us..." he repeated. "Okay, let me see... alright, I know. It was just under six years ago. We'd been married for less than two months, and I'd been gone TAD for three solid weeks. One of the conversations we'd had on the phone while I was gone, you'd said how lonesome you were, how quiet the house was and how you didn't even have a dog to keep you company. You went on to tell me all about 'Ruggles', the dog you had as a kid, and how he'd disappeared when your mom did, and it made me feel so bad.

"Anyway, I decided, while we were talking, that I was going to get you a puppy before my next TAD. As luck would have it, I had an 8 hour layover in Philly, so I had a chance to pick up a newspaper and look at the pet listings. I wasn't sure what I wanted, but as soon as I saw that picture, I was hooked. I double checked to make sure my flight was still on schedule, then hailed a cab to get to the animal shelter where the momma Setter and her puppies were at. I had the newspaper with me, and as soon as I showed the guy behind the desk, he took me right back to the run where they were at. The whole litter was gorgeous, but that one little girl just stood out to me. 30 minutes later, I'd filled out the paperwork, paid the fee and was on my way back to the airport with your new puppy, Colleen, in tow. How's that for a story about us? Mac?"

Harm looked down at his wife to see she had fallen asleep. He leaned over her and tucked the quilts in tighter before placing a tiny kiss on her forehead, "Good night, my love."


	36. Chapter 36

A/N: Notes and Disclaimers Apply.

Hugs to Snugglebug. You're the best, Lady!

Surprisingly, Mac awoke first the next morning with a strong urge to use the bathroom. Carefully she extricated herself from Harm's arms and went to tend to that. He was still sound asleep when she returned so Mac decided to make him a hot cup of tea and some breakfast. She'd finished about half the French toast when he finally stirred.

"Hey, sleepyhead," he muttered as he padded out to the kitchen. "You fell asleep during my story last night, and what are you doing up cooking?"

"Making my husband French toast," Mac replied. "You were sound asleep. You didn't even feel me get up."

"Nope, I sure...aachooo!...didn't," he said, sniffling noticeably.

"Bless you. That's the sixth one," she sighed. "You're getting a cold, Sailor."

"I don't get colds, babe," he said as he reached for a tissue. "You get colds; the kids get colds; but I do not get colds."

"You sound like you're getting a cold," she repeated. "Sit down and eat. There's tea with honey there too."

"Okay," he said, taking his usual seat at the table and picking up the cup of tea. "Mmm," he said as he took a taste. "That's good. Are you gonna eat with me? I don't want you over-doing anything, got it?"

"I won't," Mac replied. "I'll rest later, but I had a good sleep. I wonder how Lucy..."

"I'm sure she did fine once you got her calmed down," said Harm, taking another sip of his tea. "Is it toast yet? That smells wonderful...what I can smell of it, anyway."

"Its ready, Honey," Mac smiled. "One piece or two?"

"Two," he said. "Smothered in butter and syrup." Mac's French toast was admittedly one of the few foods Harm couldn't get enough of.

Mac arranged the food as he requested it then sat down with one piece for herself.

"This tastes good," Harm smiled. "Well what I can taste of it is good."

"Thank you. Honey, are you sure you aren't getting a cold. You look a little flushed," Mac replied as she pushed her breakfast around on her plate.

"I hope I'm not, he said with a little sniffle. "But I guess anything's possible. Are you not hungry?"

"Not particularly," she replied and reached out to touch his cheek. "You don't feel warm but you sound stuffy."

He sighed and reached for his cup of tea. "I feel stuffy. All I need right now is a cold."

"Maybe I should get the kids today," Mac sighed. "You snuggle up in bed and rest."

"Mac, you just had surgery yesterday, he said. "Even if I do have a little cold, I'm in better shape than you are."

"I think I feel better than you look though," Mac smiled. "Please at least let me go with you then."

"I'd rather you didn't, he said. "But I guess if you just wanted to ride along and let me do all the 'heavy lifting', I wouldn't argue too much." He punctuated his comment with a little wink and a soft smile.

"Harm, you are going to have to stop babying me," Mac said. "I'm fine now, for the most part. And at my next appointment Dr. Bradley will tell you so."

"I'll be thrilled if he does, sweetie," replied Harm. "But until then, please let me baby you just a little bit. It makes me feel better."

"Okay, then get over here," she ordered. "I need you."

Harm immediately stood up and hurried to Mac's side. "What's wrong?"

"I feeling very...lonely," she said with a little grin.

He looked surprised for a moment, and then a broad smile came across his face. "Well, I'd love to keep you company, my love, but neither of us is in any shape for that, I'm afraid."

"Can you hold me a minute?" she asked and lifted her arms up like DJ or Lucy would.

"If it'll make you feel better," he said. "You know I will." He carefully wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close.

"I wish we could stay like this forever, Sailor," she whispered against his strong chest. "Unfortunately, we have to get our children and you need to call the doctor."

"Doctor?" he asked. "Are you hurting, baby?"

"Okay, two doctors," she sighed. "I'm not hurting more than I should be but I do feel sick and you sound congested," she frowned and pulled back from him.

"I can take some decongestant," he said. "I'll be okay, but what's this about you feeling sick?"

"To my stomach," she finally admitted. "I told you last night, but it's worse now. As soon as I take that pill..."

"Okay, I'll call and see what he says about maybe changing your meds," said Harm as another sneeze came over him. "And we'll stop on the way home and get me something from the drug store."

"I'd prefer a trip to Dr. Rhinehart," Mac sighed. "But that's fine. You call AJ and check on the kids I have to take a shower."

"Are you allowed to shower yet?" asked Harm. "Can you get your cuts wet?"

"Yes, they can get wet," Mac smiled. "They have to be cleaned, Honey. Please don't worry. You'll get lines."

He smiled just a bit. "I thought lines made me look sexy?"

"Not that kind," she replied. "Not the kind you get from worrying about me so much. Please, relax."

He nodded. "I'll try. I'm just so ready for everything in our lives to finally settle back down, you know?"

"I know, and step one is for me to get cleaned up," she smiled. "Call AJ and the doctor's office. I'll be quick."

While Mac went to shower and dress, Harm finished the last few bites of his breakfast, as well as all of hers, and placed the dishes into the sink before calling AJ to check on the kids. Once he spoke to the retired Admiral and let him know that they'd come get their offspring within a couple of hours, he placed a call to Dr. Bradley's office, leaving a message about needing to change Mac's pain medication.

Mac promised to be quick in the shower but she took longer than expected. In fact she was in there for over a half an hour and that had Harm a little bit worried.

He went into their bedroom and opened the bathroom door, sticking his head inside. "Mac, baby? You okay in there? You need any help?" He was sincerely concerned, and if she needed his help, she'd get it.

"I'm fine, Sweetie," Mac called. "I'm just really enjoying this. I'll be out in a minute."

"Okay," he said, relieved that the cause of delay was merely that she was enjoying herself so much. "I called AJ and the docs, so as soon as you're out of there, I'll hop in and maybe we can be out of here in an hour."

"Great, I can't wait to pick up my kids again," Mac sighed and stepped over to turn off the spray.

Mac opened the shower door and stepped out, clothed in nothing not even a towel and stood in front of her husband.

He stood and stared at her for a few moments. "Wow, baby," he finally said, walking towards her and holding out a tentative hand to gently touch her abdomen. "You're all swollen."

"Doesn't hurt though," she smiled. "The last time I looked like this it was agony." She reached with her one hand for the towel. "I should have covered it up."

"No, no," he said, gently taking the towel out of her hand. "I think you look beautiful, it's just..." He placed a kiss on his fingers, then placed his hand back against her swollen belly. "I hate that you have to go through this."

"Going through this will let us have our baby, Harm. That's what will get us through it."

He nodded, gently running his hand over her tiny incisions. "I know. I just hate that we have to get there like this."

"So do I," Mac sighed. "Okay, enough of this. You get in the shower. I cannot wait to get to AJ's and scoop up my boy! I haven't swung him around in forever."

"And you'll have to wait a bit longer to do that, sweetie," said Harm. "No lifting anything over 10 pounds for the next week, remember?"

"I'm a Marine, Harm," Mac replied. "I may not have seemed like it lately, but I can lift our son. You wait and see."

Harm smiled a bit and shook his head as he grabbed his towel and turned on the water for his shower. "I'll remember this 'Marines heal faster than the average person' attitude when it comes to...other things."

"You do that Sailor," she smiled and went to get herself ready.

Once Harm had showered and Mac had found an outfit she felt comfortable in, the pair headed to AJ's house to reclaim their children. Mac was tired and feeling a bit nauseated from the pain killer she was taking, but overall she felt fairly good. Harm's head had cleared out a bit in the shower, the steamy water helping a lot, but he seemed to feel worse as time went on.

"You're getting warm, Sailor," Mac frowned as she held his hand. "You're going straight to bed when we get home. And don't kiss Lucy or DJ on the lips."

"What about you?" he asked. "I kissed you on the lips just last night, or rather, you kissed me." He squeezed her hand gently.

"If I get sick I get sick, if they get sick we have to sit up nights with Vapor Rub," Mac laughed.

"If you get sick," he said with a sly grin. "I'll do your Vapor Rub."

"Count on it, ring the bell," she sighed. "I can't wait to see them, Honey. I can't. I missed them so much."

"Me, too" he said. "I feel like they've spent more time away from us than with us lately."

With a ring of the doorbell and a ten second wait, Harm and Mac were reunited with their children, both of whom were thrilled to see their parents.

DJ toddled quickly to his Mommy arms outstretched, and Lucy ran to Harm first, "Daddy! I missed you!"

"Hey, Button!" exclaimed Harm as he scooped his daughter into his arms. "Did you have fun with Uncle AJ?"

"Yes, I did," Lucy replied. "But I want to go home with you and Mommy."

"You can come home with us," he said. "We missed you, too!" He looked over at Mac, who was attempting to pick up their son. "Mac..."

She looked up at him, having tried to lift DJ, but getting no further than placing her hands beneath his arms and putting a tiny bit of pressure on her abdominal muscles. "DJ, baby." she said. "Go see Daddy, okay?"

"Mama, up!" he said very clearly.

"Here, DJ," said Harm, putting Lucy down and going over to him. "Let Daddy pick you up and then you can give Mommy hugs and kisses."

DJ complied and Mac made her way over to AJ's sofa to sit down. The retired Admiral looked beat.

"Did they wear you out, AJ?" asked Harm as he held his son.

"Lucy..." he sighed. "Four times last night."

"I'm sorry," said Harm. "Things have been tough on her lately, but now, hopefully, we're past the worst of it."

Lucy made her way over to her mother and climbed up on her lap and snuggled next to her, "Are you all better now Mommy?"

"I sure hope so, baby girl," replied Mac. "I know that would make you happy, huh?"

Lucy nodded, "DJ and I made you presents."

Mac's face lit up. "You did? That was so nice of you, baby." She placed a kiss atop Lucy's curl-topped head.

"I'll go get them," Lucy smiled and went to get the little potholders AJ helped her and DJ make for Mac. They were in the shape of hearts, one had an "L" and the other had a "D".

"Oh, they're just beautiful," gushed Mac, fighting back years of joy. "Thank you Lucy Bear." She looked up at her son, who was still in his father's arms. "Thank you, little sailor."

DJ smiled and reached out, "Mommy!"

"Bring him over here," she said to Harm. "He can sit next to me so I can hug him."

Harm did as Mac asked and soon she was cuddling both of her children close to her. Harm and AJ sat and watched smiling. "Okay, Little Ones, I think its time we got our things and went home. What do you think there Lucy?"

"Uh-huh," agreed the child.

"Okay, go to Daddy so he can get you in the seats okay," Mac told them. "Mommy needs to talk to Uncle AJ."

The children followed their Daddy out to the SUV while their mother remained behind.

"AJ, I just wanted to thank you for all you've done for us," Mac said. "And I know Harm told you about Mexico..."

AJ nodded. "He did. How are you two doing with that, if you can pardon my asking?"

"Much better since Pennsylvania and my illness getting worse," Mac replied. "I'm almost scared to be healthy again. I had to say that and I knew I could say it to you."

"You're scared because you feel like that's been the only thing keeping you together?" asked AJ. "Because if the answer to that is yes, you need to think of another question."

"I think it could be AJ. He's so..." Mac sighed. "What other question?"

"Oh, maybe 'how could I possibly think that the only thing keeping Harm and I together is an unfortunate illness?' Or 'why am I so afraid that things are finally getting better?'"

"I'm afraid to hope again, AJ," she sighed. "I'm afraid that this one didn't work and we'll be back to where we started. I'm so afraid and I can't tell him. I just can't."

"The surgery was only yesterday," said AJ. "How can you think it didn't work?"

"It doesn't feel like it worked," Mac sighed. "I doesn't' feel like it worked."

"Ok, all set," said Harm as he popped his head in the door. "Kids are strapped in; I'm ready when you are."

"In a minute, Honey," Mac said plastering a smile on her face.

"I'll be in the car, okay?" he said.

Mac nodded and waited for her former CO, father figure and friend to help her.

"Well, only time will tell that, I suppose," he replied. "Until then, try to stay on the positive side. Focus on all the things going right between you two right now and build on them. This will be tough, no doubt about that, but you two are some of the toughest people I know."

Mac rewarded that effort with a tiny smile, "Thanks AJ. For everything. Dinner next week?"

"Just tell me when," he answered. "Go on, go home with your family and get some rest; that's an order."

"Aye, Sir," Mac replied and headed out to the car with to head home with her family.

Harm drove home, making a stop at the drug store as he promised Mac he would do. By the time they got home, two and a half hours after they left he was beginning to feel pretty miserable, and DJ pretty tired. "Honey?" Mac asked gently as Harm pulled the SUV into their driveway.

"Hmm?" he replied.

"You okay?" Mac asked gently rubbing his leg. "Can you get a sleepy Sailor inside?"

He smiled just a little. "You mean the kid or his father?"

"Both," Mac replied and touched his cheek. "100.4, bets?"

"What do I get if I win?" he asked, trying to keep his charm running full speed.

"You get dinner in bed tonight," Mac replied. "And full use of the remote."

"And if I lose?" he continued, opening the driver's side door.

"I get to use the remote," Mac replied. "Lucy come on now, out of the car," Mac told her daughter.

"Okay, Mommy," answered the child, unfastening her straps and climbing down from her booster seat. "Can I watch a video?"

"Sure you can," Mac smiled. "Just be quiet for Daddy okay?"

Lucy nodded and ran towards the front door while the rest of the family lagged behind.

"Let me have him," Mac said. "You change and go lie down."

Harm shook his head. "I'll put him in bed, and then I'll go change and lay down."

"Okay," Mac sighed. "I'm going to go and sit with Lucy. Call me if you need anything okay?"

"I will," he said with a sniffle as he carried a sleeping DJ to his room. Once the boy was settled in his bed, Harm went across the hall to the master bedroom, where he changed into his most comfy pair of sleep shorts and a T-shirt before crawling underneath the covers, where he remained for the next three hours.

Mac sat with Lucy watching videos with her daughter, who stayed next to her mother quiet as could be. "What's wrong, Baby?"

"I'm kinda sleepy" said the child. "I was sad last night."

"Tell Mommy," Mac said gently rubbing the top of Lucy's head.

"I didn't know if you were all better yet," she said. "I couldn't see you, and it made me sad."

"Lucy, Mommy doesn't want you to worry about her so much okay?" Mac told her. "That makes Mommy's heart very sad; to know you are so worried."

"I don't want you to have a sad heart," said Lucy. "I'll try not to be worried, okay?"

"Okay, that's my girl," Mac smiled and hugged Lucy just as the phone rang. Mac grabbed it so it would not wake Harm. "Rabb Residence."

There was no reply, only silence.

"Hello?" Mac said into the receiver. "Hello?"

"Is Harm there?" asked the voice on the other end of the line.

"He is, he's asleep," Mac replied. "Who is this?"

"It's, um, it's Annie," replied the caller.

"Hello," Mac said. "What can I do for you?"

"Nothing I can really think of," replied Annie. "I just need to talk with Harm."

"He's not feeling very well," Mac replied. "He's got a bit of a cold."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," said Annie. "But it's really no wonder with all the stress he's been under lately."

"I suppose its not," Mac replied. "And we all know where that stress came from, don't we?"

"Indeed we do," retorted Annie. "It's been hell on him, you know?"

"What are you referring to exactly?" Mac asked. She wanted to know what this woman knew, that little part of her heart that was still skeptical needed to know.

"Things at home," said Annie, being far too bold for her own good. "Since you got sick, his life has been miserable."

"Funny, I'd say since you interfered in his life at home, it's been miserable. I'm his wife, he loves me," Mac said firmly, glad to stake her territory.

"No, things were bad long before..."Annie's voice drifted off. "I know even lately, things have been rough, I mean he had to practically put his life on hold those three weeks you were so sick." Mic had told her about how he'd kept the kids when Mac had to have those procedures done not long ago, and she couldn't just let knowledge like that slide.

"How did you know about that?" Mac asked. Then to Lucy, "Lucy, go play Legos in your room."

"It's not important," said Annie. "But it just goes to further show how much Harm has had to sacrifice for you. Do you know how much he resents you for that?"

"That's a lie," Mac hissed. "You have no idea what our relationship is like or our marriage. If he resents anyone its you, for interfering, and for parading that baby around in front of him, like it's his child!"

"Oh, it's his child, Mac," said Annie, an evil tone coming through in her voice. "That night with him, my God, it was amazing. I can see why you're so angry all the time, having to miss out on sex like that..."

Mac flinched and thanked God Annie couldn't see her, "All right, you listen to me. This is your first and last warning, you stay away from Harm, you stay away from me, and you stay away from my children or so help me God I will bury you. Is that clear?"

"Oh, I'll stay away from you," said Annie. "And I'd never want to come between Harm and his children, but I can't leave him alone. This baby is his, and he made me some promises which I intend to hold him to."

"Those weren't promises," Mac replied. "You blackmailed him, but the jokes on you because I know all about it. You have nothing on him, nothing."

"I'm carrying his child," spat Annie. "I dare say that's 'something', don't you?"

"That fact, Annie, remains to be seen," Mac replied. "Now, I would appreciate you not cal Harm anymore. He does have enough to worry about and he is ill right now."

"He told me to call when I needed to," she said, refusing to give in to Mac's orders. "This isn't for you to decide."

"Then pray tell what is so urgent that you need to speak with him?" Mac asked, her tone with a hint of annoyance.

"I need to ask him some questions about his family medical history," answered Annie snottily. "The doctor wants me to have some genetic testing done, but before I can decide to do it or not, I need to ask him a few things."

"Fine," Mac replied. "I'll have him call you when he's feeling better. I of course assume you're calling the other possible candidates as well."

"What's that supposed to mean?" snapped Annie.

"That you don't know this baby is Harm's. God knows how many others there were," Mac shouted now. "You act like you are so sure, that you are so innocent, well innocent women don't seduce their dead husband's best friend while he's hurting so badly he's drowning in alcohol. The kind of the person that does that...well God knows how many times you have done that!"

"That's not what happened and you know it!" shouted Annie in return. "He came to me because he was dying inside over everything you put him through and all the needs you couldn't meet. He sacrificed so much for you, and you can't even see what happened in Mexico for what it really was, a desperate cry for attention - you know, the kind you can't give him anymore!"

Harm stirred in his sleep, his wife's yelling from the living room getting his attention.

"I give him plenty of attention, I give him love and kindness and all the things that women like you aren't capable of giving," Mac spat. "Where the Hell were you then when his grandma died? Where were you when he found his father's burial sight, huh? I'll tell you, being a self centered, colossal bitch!"

Hearing the words "colossal bitch" coming from the living room, even as sick as he was, he knew right away who Mac was on the phone with. "Shit..." he muttered to himself as he threw the covers back and went to get out of bed. He got both feet on the floor, but when he tried to stand, he found his legs had the strength of overdone spaghetti. Slumping back into bed, he called out to her. "Maaaac..."


	37. Chapter 37

All Disclaimers Apply.

A/N: Once again thank you for all the reviews and special hugs and thanks go Snugglebug for working with me and giving me that creative bounce.

Mac slammed the receiver down and immediately answered Harm's call, "What is it Sweetie?" she asked gently, soft cool hands touching his hot skin.

"Is everything okay?" he asked. "I heard you yelling."

"Its okay, it was nothing," Mac smiled. "How you feeling?" She didn't want to burden him with Annie now.

He knew everything wasn't okay, but not feeling up to arguing about Annie just then, he let it go for the time being. "Not so hot," he said. "Can you bring me a glass of orange juice?"

"Sure, though Apple might be...Does you throat hurt?" Mac asked.

"Kinda scratchy, I guess," he answered, his voice noticeable more stuffy-sounding than a few hours prior.

"How about Apple juice then?" she asked. "Orange might sting?"

"No, I'd rather have orange," he replied.

"Okay, Sweetheart," Mac replied but first got the digital thermometer out of the dresser. "Take this while I'm gone."

"Yes, dear," he said with a sigh as he took the thermometer from her and placed it underneath his tongue. He felt pretty rotten, and he was actually beginning to believe he just might be sick.

Mac returned a few minutes later with some watered down orange juice and a cup of Uncle Matt's special tea to ease Harm's throat and chest. The thermometer beeped just as she walked in and setting down the cups she asked him, "What's it say?"

"100.4," replied Harm as he handed her the thermometer and leaned his head a little deeper into his pillow. "I think I'm sick."

"I know you are," Mac said with sympathy. "Here's your juice and an old O'Hara remedy for colds. Drink it," she held the cup out to him.

He took the cup and drank down a few swallows of the tea. "What the hell is in that stuff?" he asked, making a disgusted face.

"Ginger, nutmeg, cinnamon, honey, a bit of paprika," Mac listed. "I know it tastes horrible, but it'll make you feel better."

"Compared to drinking much of this stuff," he said, "I already feel better!"

"You'll drink all of that and more too," Mac said firmly. "We both have work on Monday. We've both missed too much time."

"Monday? That's only two days from now," whined Harm. "We won't be ready by then. You just had your surgery yesterday, and I'm half dead. No way we're working before maybe Wednesday."

"Stick with me and you and Bud will be golfing tomorrow like you're supposed to be doing," Mac replied. "Later I'll give you the Mackenzie family remedy for chest congestion."

"Do I even want to know what's in it?" he asked tentatively.

"Probably not," Mac replied. "But it tastes a lot better than this does."

"I think Colleen's food tastes better than this," he muttered, sniffling a little bit.

"It might, but this will work. Trust me," Mac said. "Now can I get you anything else before I go check on Lucy?"

"Nu-uh"? he said pitifully.

"Not even this?" she asked and leaned over a bit from the waist forgetting her incisions. "Oh, bad idea," she frowned and sat down next to him instead.

"Oh, sweetie," he said, sitting up to check on her. "Did you pull a stitch?"

"No," Mac replied. "I forgot it was there is all. Now where was I?" she smiled. "Oh yeah..." She leaned over to kiss him softly on his lips, which were dry from his temperature.

"Baby, you're going to get sick," he said.

Mac shrugged, "Worth it for that," she smiled. "Sure you're okay for now?"

Before Harm could answer, Lucy, who'd been sent to her room and was now feeling neglected came to her parents' bedroom. "Daddy?"

"Hi, baby girl," he said. "What's up?"

"Why are you in bed?" Lucy asked. Daddy was never in bed, only Mommy.

"I've got a little cold, Button," he replied. "I'll be better in a day or two."

"Can I read a story with you?" she asked. "I gotta read one for homework."

"I would love to read a story with you," he answered with the first smile he'd had all day.

"I gotta read it, but you gotta help me okay?" she asked all ready holding her book.

"Okay," he said. "What's the story about?"

"A puppy," Lucy asked. "He's all alone and he wants to get a boy to love him," Lucy replied climbing up on the bed.

"Well, that sounds like a great story," said Harm, pulling his child close and praying she wouldn't catch whatever he had.

"If you two are okay here, I'm going to check on DJ and start dinner," Mac smiled. "You rest up okay?"

Harm nodded as Lucy opened the cover of the book and began to read it to him.

Overall the evening passed calmly, Mac made chicken of which Harm at nearly nothing. She ate nearly nothing and Dr. Bradley did not return Harm's call. Mac sat on Lucy's bed that night tucking her in in Harm's stead, for he was sleeping off his fever in the bedroom.

"There you go, Sweetheart, nice and warm," Mac said pulling the quilt over her daughter. "Do you see Dr. Crimmins this Monday?"

"Yeah, but I don't like her," said Lucy. "When can I stop having to talk to her?"

"I don't know Honey," Mac replied. "Why don't you like her? Is she not nice to you?"

"She's sort of nice," said Lucy. "But I don't like talking to her about you being sick and Daddy being in the lighthouse room. He's not even in there anymore, why do I have to talk about that?"

"Because that really upset you and sometimes we can still be mad or sad about things that happened even if they are over," Mac tried to explain. "Do you understand?"

"Kind of," answered the child through a yawn. "Can I go to sleep now, Mommy?"

"Can you answer me one more thing Lucy Bear?" Mac asked with a soft smile.

"Uh-huh," said the little girl.

"Who loves you best?" she asked, a question she and Harm often asked their children.

"You do, Mommy," answered the sleepy child, sitting up to give her mother a goodnight hug.

"Daddy and I both do, Lucy Bear," Mac smiled. "You snuggle in there now," Mac told her and kissed her forehead. "Good night, Baby Girl."

"Night..." answered Lucy, already drifting into dreamland.

Mac made her way slowly to the bedroom feeling the effects of being up and around all day on a body still recovering from illness and surgery. She could hear Harm snoring as he slept in the bed and decided she's take a shower before she woke him for Nyquil and more tea.

The conversation with Annie was still on her mind as she undressed and stepped under the spray. No matter how good things were going between her and Harm Annie's specter still loomed over her. She was proud of herself though, she's held in her tears and her anger all day to tend to her family, but now in the comforting spray of her hot shower, she allowed herself to feel.

Harm had been asleep for a few hours when all the liquids Mac had been making him drink caught up with him. With a tired moan, he threw the covers off of the top of himself, sat up in bed and touched his feet to the floor as if it were made of ice. "Goddamn, that's cold..." he muttered as he padded slowly to the bathroom. Halfway there, he realized Mac was in the shower, but that didn't mean he couldn't go in and use the toilet. As he neared the door, he could hear that she wasn't just showering, she was sobbing.

"Mac?" he asked opening the door and stepping inside. "Are you okay?"

Mac couldn't turn to face him, not and admit what she was feeling or why so she remained with her face pressed against the time tiles until her knees gave way and she slipped down to the floor.

He saw her form fall from the other side of the shower doors, which he immediately pulled open and knelt down to talk to her. "Baby, talk to me," he said strongly. "Did you hurt yourself? Are you in pain? Tell me, please - I don't know what you need."

Mac reached her arms up and burrowed close to him as she managed to sob out, "It hurts so much."

"What hurts?" he asked in a panic. "Your abdomen?"

She shook her head and through sobs pointed at her chest, "It still hurts so much."

Looking into her eyes, even feeling as lousy as he did at that moment, it didn't take him long to figure out what was causing his wife's breakdown. "Annie..." he whispered, his eyes never breaking connection with Mac's.

She nodded, "She called here today," she whispered as she reached up to turn off the spray. "You get out of here and get dry, you're sick."

"I'm okay," he said gently, grabbing a towel and putting it over her shoulders as he offered both his hands to help her step out of the tub."

Mac wiped at her eyes and offered a shaky apology, "I'm sorry. I thought I could deal with it, but she said some terrible things."

"What'd she say, baby?" he asked her as he wiped away the water dripping from her hair onto her face. Then he began to towel her hair.

"A lot of things, none of it was true though, I know that," Mac sniffled. "But it still hurts, Harm. That you and she...that you...it still hurts." She pulled back from him and began to dry her hair herself.

He leaned against the counter. "I know. It hurts me, too, especially to see you like this. I still can't believe I did something so...stupid."

"It's okay," Mac replied. "I...there's just..."

"Just what?" he asked before a coughing fit overtook him.

Forgetting her own pain and heartache in that moment Mac put her arms around him and patted his back, "Easy there Sailor," she soothed. "Let's get you over to bed, you shouldn't be in these wet things."

"Let me pee first," he said hoarsely. "Then I'll go back to bed."

"Okay," Mac nodded then headed for bed herself. Her abdomen was sore from the force of her sobs and her eyes stung as much as Annie's words, "He resents you..." Mac took out Harm's Navy sweats and laid them on the bed for him before curling up herself under the cover.

He finished in the bathroom and came out still wearing his wet clothes. He sat on the edge of the bed, slowly stripped off his wet pants and peeled the soaked T-shirt from his body. Pulling on the sweats Mac had laid out for him, he decided to forego a shirt and just climb back into bed.

"You feel any better?' he asked softly, reaching out to place a hand against her arm.

"A bit," she sniffled. "Don't worry about it. I'll be all right. I'm just not feeling up to par yet."

"I know," he agreed gently. "I'm sorry she bothered you today. I...I heard part of what you said to her, and I could tell she was being a real bitch. I'm sorry I wasn't the one she was talking to, baby."

"I'm glad she wasn't talking to you," Mac replied. "I don't want her anywhere near you or the children. I wasn't so out of it that I didn't see her Thanksgiving, I was just too sick to handle it."

"I'm sorry," he said, rubbing her arm. "I tried to keep her away from you."

"Harm there's something I have to know," Mac sighed rolling over to face him, to see his eyes as she asked him this.

"Okay," he nodded, his voice still very congested.

"Did you ever tell her that you...that you resented me or did she read into that?" Mac asked softly, holding his gaze.

He looked into her eyes and willed himself to be honest with her. "I did say it" he admitted. "In Mexico, when I was wallowing in the pity pool I'd dug myself. I didn't mean it. I knew you didn't bring any of the problems you've had with that disease on yourself, and I was just so lost in feeling bad about things that I chose my words very poorly. I don't resent you, Mac. I never have and never will."

"I wish you'd have come to me then," Mac sighed. "Why didn't you come to me? Why her?"

"I didn't feel like it was something I could talk to you about," he said. "Which is so crazy. You're the one I'm supposed to take these things to, and I let my own pain drown my good judgment and common sense in every aspect of the matter. I did a hundred things wrong in dealing with my feelings 4 months ago, but God help me I'm trying to make them right."

"I know you are," Mac smiled softly. "It's okay and I've forgiven you for the most part," Mac told him stroking his warm cheek.

He smiled a little. "That makes me feel better," he said. "To know that you've been able to do that when I haven't even forgiven myself."

"I didn't say all the way," Mac told him, she felt she needed to be brutally honest.

"I know," he said. "But I haven't even forgiven myself part way." As he finished his sentence, a vicious round of sneezes attacked his body.

"Easy Sailor," she soothed rubbing up and down his arm. "Easy."

"Ugh..." he moaned, rolling from his side to his back. "Kill me, please."

"It can't be that bad," Mac sighed. "You've had worse than this, remember?"

May 2002

Bethesda Naval Hospital

_Mac sat next to Harm's bed still holding his ice cold hand underneath the warming blanket. She couldn't' believe how close she'd come to losing him, now he was battling pneumonia on top of it. As a round of harsh coughs gripped his battered body, Mac stroked his cheek, and crooned, "Ssh. Easy, Harm. It's okay."_

_He opened his eyes slowly and struggled to focus on the face before him. "Mac...?" he questioned as the fuzzy image became a little more clear._

_"Yeah, it's me," she smiled. "You're home now Baby. You're safe and I'm here."_

_He coughed and coughed, each time causing his body to hurt more than the last. "Why..what...?" he managed to get out._

_"Why are you here?" she asked. "You ejected from that Tomcat and you were missing for a little bit. They brought you here by helo late last night and I've been here since. How do you feel?"_

_Her words were foggy, not completely registering in his mind, but her face was becoming very clear. "Like hell," he answered before another cough hit him._

_"Easy, easy," she soothed. "Hurting?"_

_He nodded, the pain taking his breath away._

_"I'm going to get a doctor, maybe he can give you some oxygen to help you breathe easier," she replied and stood up._

_He shook his head adamantly as she began to stand up._

_"What is it, Baby?" Mac asked. "No you don't want oxygen?"_

_He continued to shake his head a little. "You."_

_"You don't want me?" Mac asked confused._

_He began to nod gently. "Do want you," he gasped out. "Don't go."_

_"Oh, okay," she sighed. "I'm going to be right back Honey. Right back." She tried to move away again._

_"No!" he said with every ounce of strength in his battered, sick body._

_"Harm," she said gently. "You have to breathe easy. You have pneumonia. You have to breathe easy." Then, "Can you try to sit up?"_

_He lay still for a few seconds, then tried to sit up only to make it a few inches off the bed and fall backwards against it. He looked up at her and shook his head, his breathing labored and heavy._

_"Okay," Mac sighed. "I'm going to try and slide in behind you. Try to push up one more time, then you can lean against me. It might help you breathe easier. One more time, then you can rest," she kissed her cheek. "I promise."_

_He nodded, resting his head against her chest._

_Mac placed tiny kisses on his head, "Sleep now, Sailor,' she whispered._

_"Don't let go," he whispered._

**Present**

"I promised that night to never let go," Mac sighed. "How did I do?"

"Perfectly," he answered, his voice still sounding pretty terrible.

"How's your chest feeling now?" Mac asked. "Ever since you get a cold, then you get bronchitis..." Mac sighed. "Can I do anything?"

"We have any of that stuff?" he asked.

"What stuff, we have lots of stuff,' Mac smiled.

He waved his hand around in the air a bit as he searched for the words. "That...menthol, slimy goop..."

"Vicks?" Mac asked. "Yeah in the kid's bathroom. Want me to rub some on your chest?"

"Mm-hmm" he said. "Can't hurt."

"Want anything else while I'm up?" she asked.

He shook his head and pulled the covers up to his chin.

Mac quickly made her way to the kid's bathroom and came back with the rub. She sat down beside him and pulled the covers back. Taking some of the rub into her hand she began to rub his chest in slow circles, "This is a nice switch isn't it?"

"Hmm," he muttered as she massaged.

"Your chest hurt?" Mac asked.

"Mmm...all of it," he mumbled.

"You whole chest?" she asked. "Or other places?"

"Head to toe," he answered with a loud sniffle. "Ugh...I feel rotten."

"I know, Honey," she said softly. "I know. Is this better though?"

"Mmmm...yeah," he replied, melting a little deeper into the mattress.

Mac pulled back and slipped off the bed, "You going to go to sleep?"

"Need to," he said. "Not sure I can."

"Close your eyes," she whispered and smoothed his warm forehead. "Close your eyes and let your body relax. Just let it go, Baby."

He closed his eyes and tried to lose himself in the sound of her voice and the feel of her hands on his face. It didn't work. "Lay with me?" he asked in a sad little voice.

"Let me wash my hands," she replied. "Just keep those eyes closed."

He did as she asked, counting the seconds until she was once again beside him.

Mac slipped into bed and snuggled up to him rubbing her hand over his shoulders, "Go to sleep, Sweetie. I'll be here."

"You...feel okay?" he asked, trying not to bring about another coughing spell.

"I'm sore," she admitted. "But that's okay."

"I should be taking care of you," he whispered. "You have holes in your tummy; all I have is a cold."

"It's okay. Go to sleep."

To him, it wasn't okay. He rolled to face her, slowly and carefully. "I want you to know how much I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered. "You need to rest. I'll be okay," she told him. "Just close you eyes."

"Will you lie right here?" he asked her. "All night long?"

"Right, here, Honey," Mac replied. "Just close your eyes and try to get some rest. I'll be right here."

With his beloved wife's assurance that she'd stay right beside him all night long, Harm was finally able to drift off into a restless, unsettling sleep.

Next in Can We Ever Get Back to Before: Harm and Mac return to duty, but its too soon for one or both of them. Stay tuned.


	38. Chapter 38

Disclaimers is Part One.

Special thanks to those who read and review and to the wonderful Snugglebug for her help and her guidance. Hugs to you!

Harm and Mac both rested most of Sunday and by Monday neither was feeling great but both were "okay" to work. Harm sent Mac off to the SecNav's office with a great deal of trepidation, especially knowing he'd be in Norfolk all day and out of touch for the most part.

Mac assured him she'd take it easy and that she'd be fine, though after an hour of being up and down like a yo-yo she was beginning to have significant pain. Mic kept asking if she was okay, and she assured him she was that is of course until she reached for a book on the fourth shelf, "Oh!" she gasped and bent over a bit.

"Sarah!" Mic exclaimed, rushing to her side. "What's wrong, love?"

"My stomach..." she whispered."It hurts."

"Lie down," he said as he eased her body to the ground. "I'll go call for help."

"No, no," Mac assured him. "I'll be all right. Just help me sit down maybe?"

"All right," agreed Mic. "But I'm not leaving you alone like this. I'll sit here with you, how's that?"

"Please," Mac replied and leaned on Mic as he helped her over to the couch. She felt her stomach burning, making her feel sick. After a few minutes rest, she said, "I think I should go home."

"I think you should," agreed Mic. "I'll call Harm; is his number in your Rolodex?"

She nodded, "Tell him...Tell him I'm not feeling well okay, but don't tell him..." she trailed off.

"I won't tell him anything other than you're not feeling well," he promised as he flipped through the Rolodex in search of Harm's number. Upon finding it, he dialed, held the phone to his ear and waited for Harm to pick up. "Hmm," muttered Mic when the call went to voicemail after 4 rings. "He's not at his desk. Is he in court this morning?"

"Norfolk," she managed feeling her voice catch on a sob. She knew the surgery hadn't worked and now she had proof.

"He's in Norfolk today?" asked Mic, making sure he understood her correctly. "Does he have his cell phone with him?"

She nodded, "Red ink."

"Red ink...red..." he mumbled to himself as he flipped once more through the Rolodex in search of the number."Ah, here we go..." He dialed the number and waited three rings before hearing Harm's voice mail message.

"Let me talk to him," Mac told Mic. "He'll worry if you talk to him."

Mic hung up the phone. "It's just his voicemail, love. He must be in court or a meeting or something."

That did it; the only thing that kept her together was the idea of hearing Harm's voice. Losing that she let out a sob, "Call me a cab please."

Mic quickly knelt down at Mac's side and put a soothing hand against her shoulder. "Its okay, Sarah. I'm not going to call you a cab, but I am going to get you home and take care of you until Harm gets there."

"You don't know how only Harm knows how," she whispered sounding so much like Lucy.

"I'm sure I can figure it out, love," he said. "You need to be at home in bed and not sitting in your office chair in this kind of pain. I'm going to go let the bosses know we're leaving, and I'll bring my car around to the side door so we don't have to walk so far. I'll be right back."

Mac nodded her head slightly and waited for Mic to tell the SecNav and bring his car before coming to get her. "I want Harm," she whispered to him once he was back at her side.

"I know you do," he said as he helped her stand up. "But he's unreachable, so for now I'm the best you've got."

Mac leaned heavily on Mic her step faltering once or twice as she struggled to reach the car. Once he had her in the seat, her head dropped over to one side and her eyes closed in exhaustion.

Mic drove quickly to Mac's house, keeping his eyes on her as much as he could. She was resting but he could tell by her body language she was hurting pretty badly. Finally he pulled into the driveway and moved around to help her out of the car.

"Here," he said. "Let me carry you inside, love."

Mac nodded and lifted her arms to put them around Mic's neck. She'd much rather have Harm there with her, but Mic was a good second. "Right to the bedroom, please," she requested.

"You know, I used to dream about you saying that to me," he remarked with a smile as he lifted her from the vehicle, and closed the door with his foot.

Mac smiled but let the remark go. Mic carried her through the house directly into the bedroom and laid her down.

"You need to get out of that uniform and into something less restrictive," said Mic, as he took off his own uniform jacket and tossed it over a nearby chair. "I can help if you need me to."

Mac nodded again and began to unbutton her uniform top. She managed to get everything off herself, "In closet, left side. Harm has a sweatshirt..."

With a nod, Mic went to the closet and pulled out the large, soft fleece sweatshirt Mac was asking for. "Here, Sarah," he said as he returned to her side, holding the garment out to her.

Mac slipped it over her head leaving her uniform scattered about her, dropped back on the bed, and pulled her knees in as she wrapped her arms around her stomach, lying in her safe, protective ball. "My children," she said after a minute.

"Where are they?" he asked in his thick, Australian tone.

"DJ's at Harriet's house, Lucy's at school, she gets out in an hour and nine minutes," Mac told him. "I need her home."

Mic sat down in the chair he pulled up next to the bed. "Are you sure you want her here when you're ill like this? I could go get her and take her to Harriet's instead?"

"I want my babies home," Mac said. "I need them home. They...they're used to this but they...they like to be home." She wasn't making too much sense, the pain not permitting that, but she knew what she meant. Lucy was so upset lately whenever it was time to be away from Mac it would be best for her to be home even if Mac was not well. "Can you get her from school?"

"Will they allow her to go with me?" he asked.

"I'll call," Mac replied. "You go to the office and show them ID. AJ's done it lots of times," she replied fighting to keep from letting him know how badly she was hurting.

"All right" he said, reaching out to take her hand. "You look awful, love. What can I get for ya?"

"Aside from my husband," she whispered. "Nothing. He knows how to do it."

"I tried calling him before we left the office, remember?" said Mic, part of him thinking he should try calling again, but part of him not minding that Harm wasn't around.

"Sometimes he gets the heating pad for me, that helps," she sighed biting down on her lip. "It's in the top drawer. And my pain killers are in the cabinet. Two of those."

"Okay, I'll be right back," said Mic, rising from his chair to get the things Mac asked for. He returned moments later with the heating pad and a bottle of pills.

He leaned down and plugged in the heating pad. "Okay, here we are," he said as he handed it to her. "What does Harm do next?"

"He sits with me and he sometimes rubs my back a little, but you don't..."

"Ssh, say no more," he said as he unbuttoned his sleeves and rolled them up a few inches. "If you need a back rub, that's what you're going to get. Tell me where, Sarah."

"Down low," she replied. "Behind my belly button."

While Mic rubbed her back Mac called Lucy's school and Harriet. She arranged that Harriet would pick up Lucy and deliver her and DJ to Mic at the Rabb home. Then under his gentle touch she began to relax, but still she was sore and frightened. "I'm not sure this is working," she said after twenty minutes.

"I'm sorry," he said. "Are your pills helping any at all? Can I get you anything else?"

"Maybe...the only thing the helps is sleep sometimes," Mac replied. "Sometimes no. Can you help me get under?"

"Of course I can," he said, reaching over to love the covers back so she could wriggle herself in beneath them.

With some motion and only one significant gasp of pain Mac made it under the covers. "Thank you. If you could entertain the kids..."

"Consider it done," he said softly. "Get some rest, love. I'll take care of everything."

Mac was asleep by the time Harriet delivered Lucy and DJ to their home. Lucy had a face down to her toes when she came in, a combination of sadness and fear.

"What's wrong, little lady?" asked Mic, holding his arms open to her. "Want to come tell me about it?"

Lucy stepped into Mic's arm. "I got a note from school and Daddy is gonna be mad at me," she whispered.

"Oh, I don't think he'll be mad," said Mic, giving Lucy a gentle hug. "It takes a lot to make your Daddy mad."

"He's gonna be made this time," Lucy said very certain that this would push even her Daddy to punish her.

"Did your teacher tell you what the note was about?" queried Mic.

"No, but I kind of know since I did a bad thing today," Lucy told him. "But I'm not sorry, that's why he'd gonna be mad."

"Do you want to tell Uncle Mic what you did?" he asked.

"I got very mad at Dr. Crimmins today. Very mad," Lucy told him. "And I forgot to say it like they told me. Daddy is going to put me in my room. I may even have to go to the lighthouse room this time."

Mic wasn't sure what the little girl was talking about, but he could tell she was expecting trouble when her father got home. "Why don't we go get a snack, and we can watch a little tellie together before your Daddy gets back, okay?"

"I want my Mommy," Lucy said.

"Sweetheart," said Mic. "Mommy is taking a little nap right now, but as soon as she wakes up, you can see her."

"Does her belly hurt?" Lucy asked.

Mic nodded. "It does, but she took her medicine, and she's sleeping for a little while, and then she'll be all better."

Lucy nodded, "I have to make sixes. Then I can watch TV."

"Well, go sit at the table and make your sixes," said Mic, releasing his gentle hold on the child. "Then we'll watch something fun."

"Daddy watches me," Lucy said. "And he makes me and DJ snacks."

"Well then," said Mic with a smile. "Let's go find a snack."

Mac slept on and on while Mic watched Lucy do her homework and fed the children a snack. It was fast becoming supper time and there was still no sign of Harm. "I'm hungry," Lucy said. "Can we make dinner for Mommy and Daddy?"

"Sweetheart," he said. "Uncle Mic's not much up for cooking tonight. Why don't we order some pizza?"

"Okay," Lucy said. "Half veggie and half dead animal, okay?"

Mic couldn't help but laugh. "You're definitely your Daddy's Girl, aren't you, beautiful?"

"That's what he says too," Lucy smiled and hugged Mic tight just as Mac called out for Harm from the bedroom.

"Harm?" Mac's voice came out of the bedroom. "Mic?"

Hearing Mac call out like that sent Mic down the hall in a hurried stride. "What is it, Sarah?" he asked her when he reached her bedside.

"Where's Harm?" Mac asked, her face pale and damp from the pain she was feeling.

"He's not home yet," said Mic. "Lucy and I were just about to order some pizzas for dinner. Can I get you anything? Are you thirsty maybe?"

"Another blanket, maybe?" she asked. "And maybe more of my pills."

"Al lright," he said, immediately leaving to get the things she asked for as she lay there in misery.

Lucy padded into the room a few minutes later and stood near Mac, "How's your belly, Mommy?"

"It hurts, baby," said Mac. "But it'll feel better soon, I promise."

"Okay, is there any blood on you?" Lucy asked, Thanksgiving still fresh in her little mind.

"No, sweetie," said Mac. "Not this time. Mommy's just not feeling good, that's all."

Lucy smiled, "Do you need me to rub your head?"

"Oh, baby that's so sweet of you," said Mac. "But no, you go work on your homework or play with your brother."

"Okay, I love you Mommy," Lucy declared and turned to go play with DJ.

Mic returned with another blanket and Mac's pills. "What'd she mean 'rub your head'?"

"She did that when I...the last bad setback I had at Thanksgiving she just started doing that and it helped me relax," Mac replied. "Thank you," she smiled as lifted her head slightly to take the pills in her mouth. "Have Lucy read to you after dinner if Harm's not home okay?" she asked, as she felt her eyes slipping closed again.

"I'll do that," he said softly as he pulled the blanket up over her. "Sleep well, love."

Mic went back out to the children and watched them color while they waited for the pizza. He made sure the children ate enough before he allowed them to have two cookies each. Mac woke two more times and asked him to call Harm, but still there was no answer and Mic didn't not leave a message. It was nearly 8 o'clock, and DJ had dozed off on his play mat, and Lucy was snuggled on Mic's lap reading her book to him, pausing every so often for help with the hard words.

Harm arrived home just after 2030, exhausted from a long day in Norfolk. He pulled into the drive, taking no notice of the vehicle parked in front of the house. Opening the garage, he was surprised to find it empty. Mac's car should have been in there, and he became concerned. Grabbing his cover and briefcase from the passenger seat, he hurried inside, unsure of what he'd find, but finding a scene he never, ever imagined. He stopped dead in his tracks and tried to take it all in before he said a single word.

Lucy continued to read her story, then stopped, "Uncle Mic, see this puppy?" she asked and pointed.

"Ahem!" said Harm, clearing his throat as he set his things on the dining room table.

"Hi, Daddy," Lucy smiled and slid off Mic's lap going to her Daddy. "Its 2033, you are very late."

"I know, Button," he said. "Daddy had to be in meetings all day today, and they were far away from here. Did you eat dinner yet?"

"Yes, Uncle Mic got us pizza and lettuce," Lucy replied.

"You mean salad, baby," said Harm. "Did your brother eat, too?"

"Yes, he ate too, Uncle Mic helped him," Lucy replied beaming at Mic.

"Did he really?" asked Harm, looking over towards Mic with a wary stare. "Is your homework all finished?"

"Yes, and Uncle Mic checked it to see that its right. He didn't read my note though," Lucy told Harm. She wanted to be honest about notes from now on.

"You have a note? From school?" asked her Daddy.

"Yes, it's on the table," Lucy told him and let out a big yawn.

"Okay," said Harm. "Lucy, go get into your jammies and brush your teeth, please. I'll be back to tuck you in as soon as you're done."

"Okay," said Lucy as she scampered over to Mic giving him a big kiss. "I love you Uncle Mic."

"I love you too, little lady," said Mic. "Now, go do as your Daddy asked."

"Okay," Lucy said and ran to do as she was told.

Once his daughter was out of earshot, Harm stepped closer to Mic. "What're you doing here?" he asked. "Where's Mac?"

"In bed," Mic replied. "She became quite ill at work today and I took her home. She's been in bed since."

"She got sick at work?" questioned Harm. "Why didn't she call me?"

"I called you three times," Mic replied. "She was in too much pain to do much."

"You called me three times?" asked Harm in a disbelieving tone of voice as he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. "This doesn't show that you called at all."

"It went straight to voice mail the last two times," Mic replied. "I didn't leave a message. Sarah said not to."

"Did you call my office?" asked Harm, clearly annoyed at the situation.

"Once, but Sarah said you were in Norfolk," Mic replied.

Before he could rebutt, Lucy called to him from down the hall.

"Daddy! I'm ready," she called to him.

Harm pointed a finger at Mic. "I'll be right back. This isn't over."

Harm tended to Lucy, tucking her in and singing her a few lines of her favorite song before checking in on Mac, who was still sound asleep. He quietly removed his uniform jacket and tie and left them on the chair just inside the door before going back to the living room.

"Well, since you've got everything under control here, Mate," Mic sighed. "I'll be going. Give Sarah my best."

"What part of 'this isn't over' was unclear to you, Brumby?" pressed Harm. "Sit down, you've got some explaining to do."

Mic sat down, "There's not much to explain. She got sick, you weren't around, I took care of her, no brainer."

"Uh-uh, you're not getting away with blowing it off as nothing," said Harm, his voice indicating he wasn't at all pleased with the situation. "You should have gotten a hold of me! Why didn't you call the General's office and get the number to where I was? Why?"

"She was doubled over in pain and sobbing, I wanted to get her home and into bed," Mic replied. "I didn't think of asking the General where you were."

"Why the hell not?" asked Harm. "I'm her husband! I should have been the first person you called, no matter how many calls you needed to make in order to reach me! Why didn't you leave me a message, and don't blame Mac - you should have known this was something I needed to know about!"

"She asked me not to worry you," Mic replied. "She was scared enough. Why are you making such a big deal out of this? She got sick; I took care of her, its simple."

"Simple my ass, Brumby!" spat Harm. "Once you brought her home, what'd you do with her? Did you put her in bed?"

"Of course I put her in bed, she was, she is in agony," Mic replied.

"Don't tell me you helped her get her uniform off," glared Harm, ready to clobber the Aussie cretin right then and there.

"No, she did that herself. I got her the shirt she has on and helped her with her shoes," Mic replied. "Though if she needed me to do that I would have."

Harm stepped to within inches of the chair Mic was seated in, grabbed his collar and pulled him up to eye level. "Say that again, Bugme."

Mic remained calm, "Whatever she needed I would have done," he replied firmly.

"I bet you would have," said Harm, eyes wide with anger. "I looked in on her just now, she's lying in the absolute worst possible position, which if I'd been the one here with her would not be the case. Explain that one!"

"That's how she laid so I let her stay like that," Mic replied. "She never said anything about that."

"She wouldn't say anything because she hates laying the proper way!" said Harm. "This is exactly why I'm the one who should have been here with her! I know how to treat her, even if that treatment is painful, it's still what is best!"

"Why does she hate it? If she's happy like she is, what's the harm?" Mic asked.

"It's not good for her to lay all curled up like that!" answered Harm, waving his hands for dramatic effect. "Explain to me again why you've been here all night, why you've been taking care of my kids and my wife? How did you manage to pull that off, huh?"

"She is not exactly capable of taking care of them is she?" Mic shot. "And you were no where to be found. Someone had to get her the heating pad, give her her medication, hold her hand, feed the kids..."

"And of all our friends, you just happened to be the one to receive the dubious honor," said Harm, disgusted and angry. "Wait a minute, you said you gave Mac her pills. Which ones?"

"The ones in the cabinet," Mic replied. "She told me to get those for her."

"How many did you give her?" questioned Harm firmly.

"Two when we got home about 2 and two more two hours or so ago," Mic replied. "Then one more 45 minutes ago."

"What?" exclaimed Harm. "That's five pills in a 7 hour period! That's way too much, you idiot!"

"She kept asking for them," Mic replied. "I thought she should know what she can take not like it eased her suffering at all."

"Did it ever occur to you to check the label on the goddamn bottle?" spat Harm. "Percoset is a big deal, you don't just take it at will!"

Mic was silent then, but soon his own temper rose, "Well what was I supposed to do huh? You were off God knows where, you might enjoy listening to her cry and moan, maybe it makes you feel like a man, having your wife submissive and your daughter frightened, but I couldn't listen to her anymore. I had to do something," Mic bit out tired of Harm's self righteous attitude. He'd only tried to help.

"You arrogant, egotistical, son of a bitch!" hissed Harm. "How dare you say that to me! You don't know anything about my wife or my daughter or what our lives are like, so you can just shut the hell up!"

"Daddy?" Lucy said softly as she came around the corner clutching her Pooh. "Daddy stop yelling."

"Go back to bed, Lucy," said Harm, not taking his eyes off of Mic.

"Daddy?" Lucy asked again eyes wide as saucers. "Why are you yelling at Uncle Mic?"

"Because Daddy is very angry with him," replied Harm, his eyes still fixed on the man in front of him.

"You're scaring me," she said sniffing a little bit. "I was bad, not Uncle Mic."

"You weren't bad," said Harm, turning to look at his little girl. "Daddy will read your note in a little while, but this isn't because of anything you did. Go back to bed, and Daddy will stop yelling."

"Promise?" she asked lower lip still quivering a little bit.

"Promise," said a bit calmer Harm.

Lucy turned then and went to her bed. "You see, she's scared of you. She was terrified you'd be angry and make her sleep in the lighthouse room or something like that. And Sarah, well, what was she doing at work in the first place three days after surgery?"

"She needed to get back," answered Harm, not yelling but still clearly upset. "She'd been out for almost a solid month before today, or hadn't you noticed?"

"Or I noticed. I also noticed she's still too sick to be there," Mic replied as they heard Mac start to cough in the bedroom.

Both men started heading for the hallway before Harm spoke up. "You stay out here," he said, leaving zero room for negotiation. "She's my wife, I'm going to check on her."

Mic did as Harm asked but out of worry he did wait when he could have made a run for it.

Harm hurried down the hall and into the master bedroom to find his wife in total agony. He sat on the bed beside her and placed his hand on her back as she laid on her side in the all-too-familiar wrong position. "I'm here, baby. What do you need?"

Mac smiled just a bit when she saw Harm, "I don't feel very well," she told him.

"I know," he said. "And I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you. I'm here now, though, so tell me what I can do to help you."

"I...have to sit up," she managed. "Now."

"Okay," he said, sliding his hands beneath her back to help ease her up.

Mac looked over at him, her hand over her mouth, knowing he'd get the idea.

He ran and grabbed the bathroom trash can and ran back to the bed, getting it to her just in time. "I'm so sorry, Mac," he said, rubbing her back as she emptied everything from her stomach.

By the time it was over Mac was crying hard from the burning agony becoming ill had caused her. She was breathing hard and perspiring, "Oh God! Oh...Harm..." She cried only to have his name die on an actual scream of near torture.

"Lie back down, baby," he said. "Let me help you lie down. You can't sit up with this much pain."

Mac let him ease her down, "It hurts, Harm," she whispered through sobs. "So bad."

"I'm sorry," he said, wiping the sweat from her forehead. "I wish I could make it all go away, but I can't. I can't even give you any more pills, since I think that's what made you sick in the first place. Do you want me to call Dr. Bradley?"

Weakly Mac nodded then asked, "Where's Mic?"

"I think he's in the living room," said Harm, trying to mask the disgust he felt at the sound of his wife asking for that man.

"Send him home," Mac whispered. "I don't want him to see this anymore. Please," she said rapidly losing strength.

"Okay, okay baby," soothed Harm. "I'll go ask him to leave and then I'm calling Dr. Bradley. You just rest."

Mac nodded and let her eyes close moving towards the peaceful darkness of sleep.

Harm left Mac sleeping, but he left the door opened in case she was sick again. He had a feeling that was not over for the night. He was having a hard time breathing when he returned to the living room to see Mic sitting with Lucy on his lap. The child was crying and clinging to Mic like she would normally cling to Harm.

"Hey, baby girl," said Harm to Lucy as he knelt down and held his arms open to her. "Come to me; come to Daddy."

Lucy kept her face buried in Mic's neck and continued to cry. She was all ready scared Harm would be angry with her and now memories of that awful day with Mac were coming back.

Harm looked at Mic and coldly stated. "Let me have her; you need to go home."

"I'm not sure she's ready to let me just yet, Harm," Mic replied as he continued to try and soothe the frightened child.

"It's not up to her," said Harm, pausing as a coughing spell came over him. "Mac asked me to send you home, and I'm more than happy to oblige her. You've done more than enough here today." Harm's eyes were wide and dark with anger as this man he disliked so much held onto his little girl.

"Come here, Lucy," said Harm, reaching out and taking a hold of the child's shoulders.

"No!" Lucy cried and held onto Mic tighter. "No! No!"

Harm couldn't figure out where this was coming from, but one thing was for sure, something had his little girl extremely unsettled. He stood up in frustration and walked into the kitchen, pulled out a chair and slumped down into it to try and gather his thoughts. When after a minute or so, he didn't feel any better, he quickly rose from the chair and returned to the living room. "Lucy," he said. "You need to calm down and come talk to Daddy, please." He looked at Mic. "You need to tell her that, and then you need to go home. I mean it."

"She's obviously very upset Harm," Mic replied. "And apparently you aren't helping matters."

Mic turned his attentions to Lucy and whispered to her, "It's all right, Love. Uncle Mic is here. Stop your crying."

Lucy slowly began to calm down, and finally looked up at her father. "You're gonna yell at me, aren't you?"

"No, Button," said Harm softly. "I just want to talk to you, that's all."

"I don't want to talk to you," she said firmly. "It's your fault." She said those words so calmly, so simply, she had no idea of their impact on her father's heart.

Harm stood still, not certain what she meant or how to reply. "I'm sorry for whatever you say is my fault, baby," he finally said to her. "But it's way past your bedtime, and you have school tomorrow and you need your sleep, so if you're not going to come to me and tal;k, you need to go back to your bed."

"No!" Lucy said again and buried her face back inside Mic's neck. Mic knew though Harm was right, "Lucy, you need to go and sleep and you need to tell Daddy what you told me, okay? Unless you want me to tell him for you?"

"You tell him," said Lucy as she clung to Mic. "You can put me in my bed and then you can tell him."

Mic silently nodded and stood up with Lucy in his arms and carried her to her bed. A few minutes later he returned and sat on the sofa again, waiting for Harm's lead.

"I don't appreciate this, Brumby," said Harm, who'd taken a moment while Mic put Lucy to be to grab himself a glass of iced tea. "I shouldn't have to stand aside while you put my kid to bed after she tells you...whatever she told you, and then sit here and hear about what she told you from you. Spit it out and then get out of my house."

"She's angry at you," Mic told him. "She's angry at you for leaving her alone with Mac when she got so sick. And she's angry at you for sending her to some Dr. Simmons or something and for breaking some promise to Sarah," Mic outlined. "And she scared that you're going to punish her when you read the note."

"I'll be the one who decides if she needs to be punished for whatever's in that note," said Harm, pausing again to cough a few times. "And as for the rest of it, it's none of your business and I'll deal with it tomorrow. Anything else."

"Yes," Mic replied. "Take care of Sarah. I don't know what you did in there but she sounded..."

Harm bolted up out of his easy chair and got to within inches of Brumby's face. "Listen, you son of a bitch, don't you dare tell me how to take care of my wife! What you heard in there was her puking her guts up because you overdosed her on the meds this afternoon! She'll be doing that all night, thanks to you!"

"I didn't know...if they don't help her you should see to it she has something that does," Mic fired back leaning as close to Harm as he had to him. "If you can't take care of her someone else has to, and obviously you haven't been doing that good a job of it."

"Get the hell out of my house!" spat Harm as loudly as he dared, having promised Lucy he wouldn't yell anymore. "You had no right to do what you did today, none! You didn't try worth shit to reach me and we both know it! Don't think I don't know that you've got a thing for Mac, and so help me God if you even think about going near her in that way, I'll..."

Mic took a deep steadying breath, "Well that may be the kind of man you are, but that's not the kind of man I am. It's true; I do have feelings for Sarah, deep feelings of friendship, respect, and love, something I doubt you know anything about. You love the idea of her as your wife, oh yes, but you have no idea how to respect her. She's a shell of the woman I knew, the woman who survived years of abuse at her father's hands. You're just as bad, you abuse her too. You might not hit her but you suffocate her, you lie to her, cheat on her...she has no idea how valuable she is and that is your fault. Its no wonder she didn't ask for you once today." Mic knew it was a lie, but still this was war now, all was fair.

Harm had taken all he could take. He grabbed Mic's collar and reared his fist back in preparation to punch the man square in the face when...

"Harm!" Mac called from the bedroom, voice weak but desperate. "Harm!"

"You better count your lucky stars, Brumby," said Harm as he released his grip on Mic's collar and started down the hall, stopping only to tell him once more to get the hell out of the Rabb home.

"Harm!" Mac called out again, her voice losing its presence the more times she had to call him. Something was wrong, she was in more pain than she ever had been in before and now the area around her stitches felt wet. She didn't care if she sounded like a big baby or not, she wanted her husband and she didn't care who knew it.

"I'm here, I'm here," he said, breathing heavily as he reached her side. "What's the matter, baby?"

Once he reached her she let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. "It hurts..."

She lay curled into an even tighter ball than she was in before, her arm across her abdomen as she unconsciously rocked back and forth in effort to escape the agony.

"What hurts?" he asked, touching her shoulder and trying to move her onto her back.

"Where he cut me," she managed. "Its wet."

"Roll onto your back, baby," he said as he tried to help her move. "Let me look at your incisions."

"No, hurts too much," she gasped. "Leave me."

"Not a chance, Mac," he said firmly yet lovingly as he kept his hands on her shoulders and moved her slowly towards him. "Come on, you have to move so I can get to the cuts, okay?"

Mac let out tiny little moans as Harm moved her then lay in placid silence as he manipulated her clothing to get to see her incisions.

"Ohh, Mac," he said. "It looks like you broke a stitch." There were only three incisions - one in her belly button and one on each the right and left side of her lower abdomen, and each incision had only one stitch. Somehow, she'd popped open the incision on the right side. "It's open and bleeding pretty bad."

Mac made no sound save a tiny whimper, but her eyes said it all. She hurt, she was scared and she needed him to help her.

"It probably happened when you were throwing up," said Harm as he gently manipulated the area surrounding the cut. "Let me go get some gauze and some tape, and I'll be right back."

Again she said nothing; just lie there wishing for unconsciousness to take her to oblivion. No such luck though. Harm returned a few minutes later and began to gently fix her wound, "Doctor?"

"I don't think so," said Harm as he carefully opened a sterile gauze square and laid it on the wound, then tore off a piece of medical tape to keep the bandage in place. "If it gets too bad, I'll call, but that should take care of it for now." He stopped and thought for a moment, somewhat hesitant to ask her the question on his mind, but knowing he needed to. "Do you think you're bleeding anywhere else?" He knew if the pressure she'd put on her abdomen throwing up was enough to break a stitch, it was enough to do just about anything.

"I don't know," she replied. "Can't tell."

"Can I check and see?" he asked. "That could be worse than a broken stitch."

She didn't reply she just lay there, letting her thighs part slightly for him to look.

"Ah...um..." he mumbled. "How should...what's the best way for me to do this without hurting you, sweetie?"

"Your hand," she said softly, closing her eyes asked the pain. "No pain."

He nodded. "Okay, just lie still, I'll be careful," he said. Slowly, he slid a hand inside her panties, down to where he feared she may be bleeding. He felt around only as much as he thought necessary before bringing his hand back out. When he did, there was enough blood on it to worry him. Not wanting to alarm her, he chose his tone and his words carefully. "Sweetie?"

"Hmm?" she asked her eyes getting heavy as she fought to stay awake. She needed to be held when this was done and she wanted to feel it.

"You're bleeding," he said softly. "But I don't know for sure how little or how much, and I need to find that out. How do you want me to do that, baby?"

Mac didn't verbalize her answer, she knew there was only one way. Slowly she started to bend her left knee to allow him a better view, but the effort was too much. "Help me?"

"Of course," he said tenderly as he placed his hands on both of her shins and slowly moved them towards her body, her feet flat on the bed. "You okay?"

Mac took a deep shuddering breath and nodded, "Just do it."

"I wish I didn't have to, baby," he said as he tucked his fingertips beneath the waistband of her panties and slowly pulled them down, inch by inch, only as far as necessary in hopes he wouldn't hurt her. He thought he had them almost far enough when he heard her take in a deep breath and close her knees against one another. "Did that hurt?" he asked in a deeply concerned panic.

"Mmhmm," she replied through gritted teeth. "Stop."

"I stopped," he said softly. "Where does it hurt? I tried not to pull too hard."

"Okay now," she replied. "Hurt the cut."

"Oh, I'm so sorry," he said, leaning down and placing a kiss on her left knee. "I'll be more careful. Can you move your legs for me, sweetie?"

Mac complied and moved her legs so that he could see between them. "Is it bad?" she asked on a whisper.

"Can't tell just yet," he said as he moved her panties a few more inches out of his way. "I...I don't think it's too bad. I need to check again, though. You're gonna feel my hand, okay?"

"Better than what I feel right now," she tried to joke and waited for his verdict.

"Well, at least I'm not hurting you this time," he said as he moved his hand away from her body and carefully slid her panties back up. "I'm gonna go wash my hands and then I'll call Dr. Bradley, who I actually said I'd call right after you threw up and I got...sidetracked."

"Pills Harm," she told him rolling to her safe position. "Please."

"Not until I talk to the doctor," he said, pulling the covers back over her with his clean hand. "You had too many already, that's why you got sick. I'll see what he wants you to have."

"Please," she tried again. "Please it hurts so much."

He sighed. "Baby, you took too much already today, I don't want you getting sick again, which you'll probably do anyway and the pill wouldn't even help. Let me call the doctor." He hated leaving her in pain, but he didn't feel comfortable giving her another pill.

"Please hurry," she begged licking dry lips and closed her eyes once again.

Harm quickly washed his hands and then grabbed the phone, dialing the doctor's answering service number from memory. Within minutes, Dr. Bradley returned Harm's call, and the two men spoke briefly about what had transpired with Mac's condition that day. Ultimately, Dr. Bradley said she could have one pill now and another in 4 hours, if needed, an if she couldn't last that long then she'd need to go to the emergency room so they could give her something stronger and closely monitor her. With this information, Harm ended the call and ran to get Mac's pills, giving her one and a cup of water.

Mac looked at him as if he were an angel of mercy, "Thank you," she whispered as she swallowed the water.

"Welcome," he replied, stroking her sweaty brow. "I'm going go get ready for bed, then I'll be back for the night."

Mac slowly nodded and fought the exhaustion until Harm was once again beside her. She reached out to him then with one shaky hand.

He took a hold of her hand and held it gently within his own. "I love you, Mac."

"Why..." she began.

"Because you're my everything," he said. "I wish you weren't so sick and hurting so badly, but since you are, I'm so glad I get to take care of you." He brought her hand up and kissed it.

She shook her head. His words were sweet but not the answer to her unspoken question. "Why didn't you answer?" she asked him.

He instantly felt about two inches tall. "I didn't have my phone on me in the meetings," he answered with a sigh. "Why did you tell Mic not to leave me a message? I checked my phone after each meeting; I could have broken away if I'd known you needed me."

"Scared to," she replied. "You get so worried."

"But you needed me, baby," he said. "I came home late tonight and found Brumby here, feeding the kids and taking care of you. Those are my jobs, and you can always call for me when you need me. Always."

"But...it was okay," Mac replied. "Mic helped so much."

Harm felt his blood pressure rising at the sound of such a compliment being paid to Brumby. "I'm sure he did," he said, masking his feelings as best as he coul. "But still, don't ever feel that there's anything you can't tell me. We're...we're working on being totally open and honest, and this is one area where we both have to concentrate, okay, sweetie?"

Mac nodded, "I was too scared Harm. Really, I know how you get. That's why sometimes I don't say things."

"Like when?" he asked with a single cough as he caressed the back of her hand with his thumb.

"Like after Belleville," Mac replied. "When the pain got really bad."

"You told me a few days later," he said softly. "But I wondered from the moment we, uh, finished reconciling if you were hurting."

"I wasn't until we got home. Then it was so much worse but I knew you'd overreact, like today you overreacted," she whispered as she tried to shift closer to him, needing to be held.

He pulled her carefully into his embrace. "When did I overreact today?"

"I heard you yelling at Mic," Mac replied. "It was my fault, he was trying to help."

"I know, but..." began Harm. "Why didn't you ask for me?"

Mac was confused, "What?"

Harm coughed a little. "He said you...you never even asked for me."

"I know I did," Mac replied. "I must have...I don't remember much but I remember saying you knew how and that I wanted you. I said that at the office before he called you," Mac replied. "I wanted you Harm, so badly."

He sighed once again. "I kind of thought you did. If this had been a little while ago, well...I'm glad you asked for me, Mac, because more than anything I want to be here for you through this."

Mac nodded and changed the subject, "What was in Lucy's note?"

"I don't know," he said softly, leaning in to place a kiss on her temple. "I'll read it when I get up, and deal with it at breakfast. You feeling any better yet?"

She nodded, "Kind of tired. Still hurts but at least I can breathe. This was a bad one."

"I know," he said softly, giving her shoulders a gentle squeeze. "You'll wake me up if you need anything, or if you feel the bleeding form anywhere get worse, right?"

"How are you feeling?" she asked as she nodded yes to his question.

"Tired," he said. "Been coughing all day, but I'm okay. Aside from that, I'm good."

"We need to sleep, but I need..." He cut her off. "Need what? Are you hurting?"

"Easy, Sailor," she soothed. "I need you to hold me all night this time," she told him remembering his request from the other night.

"Then that's what I'll do," he replied kissing her temple. "Good night, Marine."

"Goodnight, Sailor."


	39. Chapter 39

See Disclaimers in Chapter One.

A/N: Thank you all for your reviews and for your interest. Special thanks to Snugglebug. You're the best, Lady! Big Hugs!

It was the sound of the ringing phone that brought Harm out of his slumber at 0635 in the morning. Mac was still sleeping peacefully and soundly next to him as he reached for it.

"Rabb," Harm answered sleepily.

"Mr. Rabb," Dr. Crimmins' voice said into the receiver. "It's Eliza Crimmins."

"Mmm...Dr. Crimmins," said Harm, trying to force himself to wake up. "Is something wrong?"

"I'm just calling to confirm that you'll be able to meet with me today," she told him. "Did you receive the letter I sent with Lucy?"

"Letter? Oh, uh..." He was having trouble getting his mind to work. "I haven't read the letter yet, but if you need to meet with me, I...I think I can make it in the late afternoon."

"I need to meet with you and Mrs. Rabb," Dr. Crimmins told him. "As soon as you can manage it."

"Well, my wife isn't feeling well right now," said Harm. "She had an operation last Friday and has had some complications, so she won't be able to be there for a few days at least. I can come alone if it would be of any help to you or to Lucy."

"It will certainly help me and if you can come to Lucy's session, at 1:40 that will be helpful. She was quite upset and hostile yesterday, and I'm deeply concerned about her," the doctor told him.

"Uh, okay," said Harm. "I'll have to reschedule a few things, but I'll be there."

"I'll look forward to seeing you then," she replied before ending the call. Lucy appeared a moment later, "Daddy, its 0643, you're late."

"I know, Button," said Harm, carefully rolling out of bed so as not to disturb Mac. "Did you sleep well?"

Lucy nodded, "I have a headache," she told him, but she didn't run to him like she normally would have.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he said, feeling hurt that she didn't seem to want his comfort. "Do you want to eat some breakfast?"

"Okay," Lucy replied and headed for the table. "Is Mommy okay now?"

"I think she'll be just fine," said Harm, following behind his daughter and heading to the cupboard. "Do you want Fruit Loops or Apple Jacks?"

Lucy shrugged and sat in her seat. "Don't care."

Pulling down the container of Apple Jacks, Harm reached for a cereal bowl. "Want apple or orange juice to drink?"

Again Lucy replied with indifference, "Whatever."

Harm poured her a bowl of cereal and a glass of orange juice and set them in front of her before taking a seat beside her. "Button, Daddy is going to be at your meeting with Dr. Crimmins today. Do you want to tell me anything before then?"

"I kicked her yesterday," Lucy mumbled.

"You kicked Dr. Crimmins?" asked Harm, somewhat mortified and somewhat unsurprised at the same time.

Lucy nodded, "I hate her," Lucy told him. "And I hate you too."

"Well, that's...that's okay," he said, knowing nothing he could say off the top of his head could possibly refute that. "But you know that I love you, and I'll be there today and we'll talk about things."

Mac woke to find the bed beside her empty. She could hear Harm at breakfast with Lucy and pushed herself up, feeling pretty well after a good sleep. It took her a while but she managed to get herself out of bed and out of the bedroom when Harm saw her.

"You're up," he said. "Feeling any better?"

"Yes, and surprise, I'm a bit hungry. Mic didn't force feed me like you do," Mac said with a smile.

"That's because I know just how to take care of you, my love," he replied with a grin, forcing the ill thoughts he had of Mic Brumby to the back of his mind as he stood up to get Mac a bowl of cereal.

Mac noticed her little girl's long face, "What's the matter Honey?" she asked running a gentle hand through Lucy's hair.

"I'm mad at Daddy," answered Lucy.

"Why are you mad at Daddy?" Mac asked looking at Harm seeing the hurt in his eyes. "Did he scold you?"

"I don't want to talk about it," said the child, shoveling another big bite of cereal into her mouth.

"Mommy would like you to tell her why you're mad," Mac said softly. "Maybe if you told Daddy he could say sorry."

"Because he was gone," was all Lucy would say.

"Oh, I see, you know Daddy and Mommy have to go away sometimes," Mac soothed. "He's here now though and so am I. Can I have a hug?"

Lucy nodded, sliding out of hr chair and into her mother's arms.

Mac rocked Lucy a few minutes, "That's a good girl, go get ready for school."

"You're in deep, Sailor," Mac sighed when Lucy had left the room. "Come here."

Harm moved from his place against the counter towards his wife. "Yes?"

"You need a hug?" she asked and opened her arms to him. She knew it hurt him when Lucy was mad at him.

"I sure do," he replied, leaning carefully into her welcoming embrace. "This is...pretty bad."

"What?" she asked rubbing his back gently.

"This thing with Lucy," he sighed. "I know it's all my fault, you know? It all goes back to Mexico..."

"Ssh," Mac soothed. "She'll get over it. She will. What was in the note?"

"Not sure," he answered. "I haven't read it yet, but I need to, huh?"

"I think," Mac said rising slowly to get herself a drink. "That may be necessary."

Harm went to get the note off the counter, opening the barely-sealed envelope and pulling the contents out. He looked at the words on the page for a moment, then started from the beginning and read them again. "Oh, boy..."

"What?" Mac asked concerned, joining him at the table and sitting down carefully.

"She's not progressing very well in therapy," said Harm, still staring at the note. "And yesterday she kicked Dr. Crimmins."

"She what?" Mac asked. "No, she must have the wrong Lucy. She'd never..."

"I'm afraid they've got the right Lucy," sighed Harm. "Look at her behavior lately; it really shouldn't surprise us that she's acting like this. She doesn't like being in therapy, and if the doctor pushes her buttons... She's having a really rough time with everything right now, apparently rougher than we realized."

"What are we going to do about it? Do we have to go up to school?" Mac asked, concern dripping from her voice.

"I'm sitting in on her session this afternoon," said Harm. "I have a feeling it'll tell me a lot, probably more than I want to know."

"Want me to come with you?" Mac asked reaching out for his hand. She knew it hurt him deeply, this situation with Lucy.

"No," he replied, grasping her hand in his. "I want you to get some rest; you're still recovering."

"I thought I'd go into work for half a day," Mac replied softly. She had to get back she was nearly out of leave time.

"Do you really think you should?" he asked, clearly worried about her.

"It's not a matter of should," Mac sighed. "I'm not sure I should go back at all until I know I'm all better, but...I'm running out of time."

"Never mind the time," he said. "That's not an issue. You can get special approval to be out for surgical recovery, Mac. I don't want you pushing so hard you end up with yet another set back. You need to stay home."

She nodded, "Can you get me the forms to fill out while you're there today? Oh, and be sure to thank Mic for helping yesterday."

"Yeah," he said, not looking forward to stopping by Mac's office, certainly not looking forward to having to thank Mic for anything.

Mac leaned tugged on Harm's hand a bit as he began to rise from his chair.

With a little smile, he leaned down and gave her a gentle kiss on the lips. "Get some rest, okay?"

She nodded, "Take care of our little girl, Harm. Don't let that doctor railroad her."

"Count on it," he said, a look of total confidence on his face.

Harm had no idea what he'd be in for later that day when he arrived at Lucy's school for her session. He arrived six minutes late and was directed immediately to Dr. Crimmins' office. He could hear sobbing and the doctor talking through the door. "Lucy, why don't you come out of there and wait for Daddy on the couch?"

Harm quickly opened the door to the office, not waiting to be announced and saw the doctor crouched on her knees and Lucy, head buried in her arms, hiding behind that doctor's desk.

"Lucy," he said, hurrying over to where his child sat hiding. "What's wrong, baby?"

"I wanna go home," she cried still hiding her face. "I don't wanna be here."

"Lucy, you're still in school. You can't go home right now," the doctor said to her. "Why don't you come and sit on the couch and we can all talk about why you are so upset?"

Again Lucy refused. "No. No."

"Mr. Rabb, why don't you have a seat on the couch?" Dr. Crimmins suggested.

"I will if she'll come with me," he replied. "Lucy, baby, please come sit with Daddy so we can talk."

Lucy crooked her finger signaling she wanted her Daddy to lean closer so she could whisper in his ear.

Harm leaned in close. "What is it, sweetie?"

"Can I sit on your lap?" she whispered.

"Of course you can," he answered. "Let's go do that, okay?"

Lucy uncurled herself from her protective ball and reached for her Daddy's hand and together they moved to the couch. Harm sat first, then he lifted Lucy into his lap.

"Don't hold her on your lap during this," Dr. Crimmins advised.

"If she wants me to hold her," he said plainly. "I'll hold her."

The doctor sighed but said nothing. Lucy laid her aching head against her Daddy's shoulder, enough so her forehead brushed his cheek.

"You feel okay, Lucy Bear?" he asked, noticing her little forehead felt warm.

She shook her head and burrowed in deeper, "My head is hurting."

"Mr. Rabb, I'd like to begin," the doctor pressed. "We only have half an hour."

"So begin," he said. "Tell me what's going on, why you needed me here today."

"Lucy has been very upset with you," Dr. Crimmins began. "Why don't you tell your Daddy about it?"

Lucy refused to answer.

"Lucy," said Harm softly. "Please tell me why you're upset with me."

"Cause you left me and Mommy got bleeding," she mumbled. "I was scared."

"Did you do that, Mr. Rabb?" Dr. Crimmins asked.

"Not knowingly," he stated firmly. "My wife was fine when I left for the airport, but while I was gone, she had a 'situation' that got...really bad."

"Is that commonplace?" the doctor asked.

"No...well, more lately than before, but no," said Harm as he cradled Lucy against his chest.

"So you had no reason to suspect your wife's condition would cause her a problem while you were gone?" The doctor's tone indicated she did not believe Harm.

"Obviously not," said Harm. "Or I wouldn't have left."

"Wouldn't you have?" she asked.

"Doctor, I don't like the implications you're making here," said Harm. "I never would have left my wife and child in a situation which I felt was dangerous, period."

"What do you feel I am implying?" she asked. "Lucy, please try to sit up properly while we talk okay?"

The child was beginning to quiver in her father's arms.

"You're implying that I knowingly put Lucy in a bad situation," he said, growing more defensive by the minute. "Like I do that often, when in reality I never do!"

"You're doing it right now," she said to him. "You are doing it right this minute."

"I don't follow you, Doctor," he said, clearly unhappy.

"Lucy is having a very hard time adjusting to things changing in her life. While you have to provide security for her, you also have to teach her to deal with these things on her own," the doctor outlined. "Lucy, can you answer me a question please?"

Lucy looked at the doctor, but didn't reply.

"Lucy, can you please tell me and Daddy what a Daddy is for?" she asked. They'd done these types of questions earlier.

"Daddies are supposed to make you safe and love you" she answered quietly.

"Does your Daddy do that for you, Lucy?" she asked.

"Not all of the time," she said.

"Which one doesn't he do all the time?" Dr. Crimmins asked.

"Make me safe," whispered the child.

"Okay, when doesn't he make you safe?" she asked. "Are you safe right now?"

"Mm-hmm," she answered.

"Good. When weren't you safe?" she asked. This was the furthest they'd gotten in session with Lucy ever.

"When Mommy was hurt," whimpered the little girl. "I was scared."

"Can you tell me what Mommies do?" Lucy asked. "What are they for?"

"For taking care of me," sniffled Lucy.

"What else?" she asked. "What else do Mommy's do?"

"Mommies have to lay in bed a lot," replied Lucy. "My Mommy cries sometimes, and it makes me scared."

"Does your Daddy make her cry?" she ventured.

"He hurt her feelings," said Lucy, clinging to her father's arm. "She cried a lot and yelled at him."

Dr. Crimmins reached for a picture Lucy had made. "Why is Daddy so big in this picture, Lucy? Why is Mommy so small?"

"'Cuz Daddy is bigger than Mommy," said the child matter-of-factly.

"He is," Dr. Crimmins agreed. "Does Mommy have to lie in bed because of Daddy?"

Lucy didn't answer she just clung harder to her father's arm and began to sob.

"Its okay, Lucy. You can answer me," the doctor pressed. "Come on." She rose from her seat and reached out to try to disengage Lucy from Harm's arms.

"Hey, lay off," said Harm as he pulled Lucy closer. "You really know how to upset her, you know that?"

"I'm not the one who's upsetting her," the doctor replied. "Lucy, I want to talk to Daddy. Can you go sit with Crystal in the hall?"

Lucy nodded and looked up, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.

When the child left the room, the doctor put her hands on her hips. "I'm going to recommend child services investigate your situation at home, Mr. Rabb."

"What the hell for?" asked a very surprised Harm.

"The environment is unfit for Lucy. She's emotional, volatile, and to be honest Mr. Rabb, I'm not sure your wife is "sick" at all," the doctor replied.

"How dare you!" he spat. "My wife most certainly is sick, and quite seriously so! She's being treated, but right now things are tough for her, and I won't tolerate you questioning the matter any further!"

"Well, I'm afraid I'll have to. Someone will contact you," she said. "You can go now."

"Oh, I'm going all right," he said. "And on my way out I'm stopping by the office and ordering my daughter be pulled from your schedule effective immediately. She needs help, but not this kind."

By the time Harm got out of the office, Lucy was in full fledged cry mode. She was being tended to by an older woman, and a child about 13. The teen was holding something over Lucy's face as she cried.

"What's going on?" asked the flustered father.

"She's not feeling so great," the teen replied. "And her nose is bleeding a little bit."

"Aww, poor baby," he said aloud to himself. "I'll take over; thanks for sitting with her."

"No problem," the teen replied. "She's a cute kid. I'm her lunch helper. Name's Anna."

"Nice to meet you, Anna. I'm her Dad, Commander Rabb."

"I know," the girl smiled. "Her hero. Take care, okay Lucy?"

"Okay Anna," sniffled Lucy before looking at her Daddy. "I don't feel good."

"I know you don't," Harm sympathized. "How about we go home?"

"Uh-huh," agreed the sad, sick little girl. "I wanna take a nap with Pooh Bear."

Without another word Harm picked Lucy up and carried her out of Dr. Crimmins office. He stopped by the Principal's and signed her out of school. By the time he got her into the car, her nose had clotted and she was sound asleep. Carefully and quickly he drove her home to her mother, knowing Mac would want to tend the little girl. He'd have to call the General and explain he'd be out the rest of the day. His baby needed him now, all three of them did.

Once they reached their home, Harm carried Lucy inside. He could hear Mac talking to DJ on the couch, "Daddy'll like that, huh?" she asked the child as she secured a piece of tape across some wrapping paper.

"Yeah!" DJ exclaimed. Then, "Daddy!"

"Mac?" he called as he carried a sleeping Lucy into the house.

Mac turned towards Harm's voice and DJ's gaze. She rose quickly and headed over to him, "What's wrong?"

"She's not feeling well," he said.

"I can tell, she's wheezing really badly," Mac said reaching up to touch her daughter's cheek. "And she's burning up. Can you put her in her bed?"

"That's exactly where I'm headed," he said, carrying his little girl down the hallway.

"DJ, be a good boy and sit still," Mac told her son and followed Harm to Lucy's room. She grabbed the thermometer on the way. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing," he said. "Why?"

"I know you. Something happened at work or at the school," Mac said as she clicked the thermometer in Lucy's ear. "Which was it?"

"School," he replied with a sigh as he laid Lucy down and slipped her shoes off. "That shrink is worthless."

"What did she do? She's not...What did she do to her?" Mac asked worrying over her little girl. "102.5"

"She's trying to make it out that I did something horribly, pre-meditatively wrong the day before Thanksgiving," said Harm, very clearly upset. "She's turning us in to child protective services!"

"Like Hell she is," Mac said firmly and left the thermometer on the side of Lucy's nightstand. She quickly left the room and headed for the master bedroom. "Did she say why?" she called over her shoulder.

Harm pulled Lucy's covers over her feverish little body and followed after his wife.

He found her in their room, undressing from the comfortable sweats she'd been wearing and doing up the top of her uniform. "Did you hear me?"

"Yeah," he answered. "Something about this not being a 'safe environment' for Lucy or some similar crap. Where are you going?"

"To battle," she replied and pulled on her skirt, wincing as she hit her incision with the waistband. "Did she say how it was unsafe for her?"

"Not per se," said Harm. "But she did say she doesn't believe you're actually sick, and of course she's making the Thanksgiving thing into an even bigger ordeal than it already us; saying I didn't protect Lucy from what happened."

"Get me my shoes," Mac ordered. "And my insignia off the dresser. If I'm not sick, what am I?"

"Right now," he replied as he grabbed her shoes."I'd say you're pretty damn angry."

"Don't be cute," she snapped taking her shoes from him. "What does she think I am if not sick?"

"Abused probably," said Harm. "Hell, we should get a letter from Dr. Bradley; show that woman your surgical photos, maybe that'll shut her up."

"That won't," Mac replied. "But I will. No one hurts them and slanders you without me having something to say about it. Watch the kids!"

"Mac, are you sure you should do this?" he questioned.

"Should? No, but I have to," she said firmly, fastening her oak leaf. "I'll be quick." She closed the space between them and pulled him down for a kiss. There was more heat and passion in that than they'd had in a long time. "I love you. I defrosted a chicken."

"Um, okay," he said, his mind somewhat reeling from the kiss. "I love you, too."

A moment later Mac was gone and in the SUV. She had no idea what she would do when she got to Lucy's school, the only thing she knew was that witch was going to pay.

She checked in at the office and stormed into Dr. Crimmins office without being announced, "You and I have something to discuss," she declared not caring the doctor was in session.

"Mrs. Rabb," said the doctor. "I'm in the middle of something here. You'll have to wait outside."

"Oh I think you've finished," she said softly. "We have an issue to settle and its going to happen now." Mac put her hands on her hips and stood in the door way stock straight.

"Mrs. Rabb," said Dr. Crimmins. "I'm not through here, but if you'll have a seat in the lobby, I'll be with you shortly."

"Maybe you didn't hear me, this meeting is over." She refused to budge.

With a sigh, the doctor relented. "Very well. Michelle, you can go back to class now, sweetie." She looked up at Mac, "Come have a seat."

Mac stepped inside, removed her cover and sat down. "You have some explaining to do and if I'm not satisfied by the time I leave her, be assured I'll have your license."

"What do you need me to explain?" asked the doctor. "I thought I made everything clear to your husband."

"Oh you were clear, and I believe he understands. However, I don't understand. I don't understand why you feel it is necessary to call Child Services, or why you would accuse my husband of abusing me or Lucy? Do you say these kinds of things to her? No wonder she hates to come here," Mac snapped. "I want you to tell me everything you told him. I want to know why he looks like he wants to curl up and die right now. And I want to know why I'm sending my baby girl to you for help only to have her get worse. Start talking lady, I have all day." Mac leaned back in her chair, crossed her legs and her arms and waited.

"For starters," said Dr. Crimmins, "I'm bringing CPS into this because of a concern for the welfare of Lucy with regard to the current situation at home. For a 5-year-old child to be so terrified of her mother dying and for her to be so angry with her father, it all point to an abusive home environment."

"Where did you get your license? A cracker jack box?" Mac asked. "A five year old from an abusive home...She won't sleep alone at night, she tried to please the abusive parent, goes overboard for their attention...She starts to hope and to pray for "God" to take her parent away just so she can't be hurt anymore. And she never, never calls for help, because she's scared to death she might be next if she does. My daughter is not from an abusive home," Mac insisted. "I know. I know better than anyone."

"Even without the kind of abuse I usually refer clients for," said the doctor. "Lucy is clearly dealing with a very volatile situation within the home, one that's not good for her. Are you and your husband still having the same 'problems' you were having when I first began seeing Lucy?"

"We're much better," Mac replied. "Its still there, but we are doing much better. He's back with me in our room and we are still seeing our own Counselor."

"If things are so much better, why am I not seeing any real improvement in Lucy?" asked the doctor.

"Can I tell you one thing about my daughter?" Mac asked.

"Certainly," said Dr. Crimmins.

"Lucy is very protective of her father and me," Mac replied. "If you are implying we are doing something wrong, which it is clear you are, she will resist you. She doesn't want to come here, she hates coming here. She's not going to improve because she's so disturbed by the whole idea."

The doctor nodded. "I haven't tried to imply anything with her. My job is to get to the bottom of the issue and help her through it, but in reality I don't know enough about the issues in her life to truly help her as I'd like to do. I'm aware that her parents are 'having problems', but that can mean so many things. Would you care to elaborate on any of that for me? It might help me help Lucy."

Mac sighed, "All right. She doesn't tell you the particulars because she doesn't know them. Back in August my husband had an affair, a one time thing. I found out about it a few months later and it drove a huge wedge between us. We're back on track now, but my endometriosis is still very severe and while I'm having it treated it is a huge specter in our lives. Does that help?"

"Very much so," replied the doctor. "Is Lucy aware of the affair?"

"No, and we don't want her to be," Mac replied. "Harm's more or less her hero, I want it that way. I don't want her to grow up like I did or to lose her father later in life with unresolved issues between them. She is not to know."

"Okay," said Dr. Crimmins. "With regards to your illness, what does she know?"

"She knows I have a "boo boo" in my belly that hurts me sometimes," Mac replied. "She...she always wants Harm to fix it, but he can't obviously."

"No, obviously not," agreed the doctor. "I'm concerned that the incident where she saw you collapse and her father wasn't home, I'm worried that really did some damage. Do you feel your husband was wrong for leaving that day?"

"No, I told him I was fine, and to go get his mother and stepfather. Lucy wanted to stay at home with me, and I said it was okay, even though..." Mac trailed off.

Dr. Crimmins nodded in understanding. "I see," sighed the doctor. "I owe your family an apology. I was, obviously, operating under some misguided assumptions and I've made some accusations that I'm beginning to see aren't warranted. If you and your husband will allow me to, I'd like to continue seeing Lucy, and hopefully be more effective now that we've ironed out the problem issues on this end."

"What did Harm say?" Mac asked.

"He said he was pulling Lucy from my care immediately" said the doctor. "He was very upset after today's session."

"He was still very upset, he looked awful. I know part of it is because Lucy is sick..." The doctor cut her off.

"Sick?" questioned the doctor. "How so?"

"Chest congestion, high fever...I think she got the flu her Daddy had last week," Mac sighed.

"I didn't realize she was sick today," said Dr. Crimmins. "It likely explains why she was extra clingy when her father was here."

"No she's usually like that," Mac replied. "It would explain any tears if that happened though."

"Oh yes, there were plenty of tears," said the doctor. "Is she still here? Surely he took her home."

"He did, she's in bed with her Pooh and a 102 fever," Mac sighed. "I really should be going but...I could not stand for what I heard when he came home nor could I stand to hear Lucy beg me not to make her see you anymore. I cannot promise Harm will change his mind, but I'll speak to him," Mac said rising.

"I understand," said the doctor. "I'm glad you came in today, though in the future it would be best if you refrained from interrupting a session, Mrs. Rabb."

"If you refrain from false accusations I can do you that courtesy," Mac replied and extended her hand. Her face was all ready paling as she stood there, but the job was done. Now she could rest.

"Of course," said Dr. Crimmins, accepting Mac's handshake.

Mac drove home much more slowly than she drove to the school and much more calmly. She pulled into the drive way tired, yet filled with purpose. She had done something she hadn't been able to do in a while, defended her husband and child.

She walked in the house, kicked off her shoes, and dropped on the sofa.

"How'd it go?" asked Harm as he entered the living room dressed in sweats and a T-shirt, a half-empty beer bottle in his hand.

"It went fine," Mac replied. "She apologized and is clearer on what was happening here now I've leveled with her. I'd like to give her another chance." All this was said with her eyes closed as she rested against the sofa.

"I don't know, Mac," replied a leery Harm, taking another sip of his beer. "She accused me of being abusive to you and Lucy; I don't appreciate that."

"She didn't understand," Mac sighed. "She did apologize. I know you don't appreciate that but..."

"Let me think about it some," he said. "I know Lucy needs help, but I need to feel good about the help she gets. How are you feeling? You look whipped."

"I'm tired," Mac replied. "But I feel better than I have in months."

He smiled a little. "Go change out of that uniform and get into bed. You can't push yourself too hard yet."

"How is Lucy?" Mac asked all ready starting to unbutton her blouse.

"Out," said Harm. "Poor thing, she feels terrible. Probably caught whatever I had last week."

"She doesn't usually do that," Mac replied rising from the couch. "Where's our Little Sailor?"

"Playing in his room," answered Harm. "I gave him a snack and took him potty, and he's been playing in there ever since."

"Good, when's dinner?" Mac asked.

"When would you like it?" he asked.

"I need about an hour," Mac replied beginning to yawn.

"Well, go take it," he gently encouraged. "I'll fix dinner; you go rest."

Mac smiled and headed for the bedroom. She stripped down to her undies and lay down. She felt so wonderful just then, having taken charge again. It was with these thoughts in her mind she fell asleep.

**Next: Enjoy Christmas with the Rabbs' and a few unexpected guests. (Not Annie this time.)**


	40. Chapter 40

A/N: Once again thank you all for the reviews and for reading and taking this journey with me. This will be my last update until about October 19, for I am off for a vacation in San Antonio. Enjoy this holiday with the Rabbs.

Hugs to Snugglebug for being the greatest. J

Before anyone knew it, it was Christmas Eve and Harm, Mac, and the children were standing at the Wall. Harm was having a bit of a hard time this holiday, and Mac wasn't sure why. Lucy had barely recovered from her cold, so she stood with her mother bundled up. DJ was in his Daddy's arms, gently touching his Grandpa's name. When Harm stepped back to join his wife and daughter he had tears in his blue eyes, "Honey?"

"Hmm?" he replied.

"You okay?" Mac asked reaching for his hand.

"Not really," he answered.

"Still want to go to Bud's?" Mac asked. "Or do you want to go home?"

"Bud's," he said. "I need some holiday cheer, not that I'm really in the mood, but I know I need it."

"Okay, Sweetheart," Mac smiled and together they walked to the SUV and drove to Bud and Harriet's.

The Robert's house was as usual full of holiday cheer and Harm's mood did improve a little bit. He even laughed when Bud in his usual holiday snafu dropped gravy all down his jacket. Still he only needed one thing that night, to be home close to his wife and Mac knew it.

Harm carried their children inside and put them in their beds while Mac set out a plate of cookies for Santa and turned off the tree lights and porch lights. She was all ready in bed when he came in, but she was waiting for him.

He climbed in to bed next to her, flopping his head forcibly into his pillow and putting his hands over his eyes.

Mac reached out and pulled it away, "Talk to your wife," she said simply.

He took a deep breath. "I miss Grams. A lot; but I know she was disappointed in me, and my Dad...hell, he'd drop kick my six from beyond the grave if he could. I screwed up so bad this year, Mac."

"But you did so many things right, as well Honey," Mac comforted. "And think, we're starting a new year now. Let's just put it behind us," she slid closer to him. "Let's start fresh. I got you a present."

"Oh yeah?" he asked, still feeling down and sad. "What is it?"

"Let me show you. It's just under the bed," Mac replied. "I'll get it."

Mac slipped out of bed and took a box out from under the bed. She handed it to him. "Open up."

Sitting up a little, he took the box from her and removed the ribbon and paper from the outside. Slipping the lid off and folding back the tissue paper, he pulled out a garnet red teddy with white lace along the upper edges. The straps were super thin, and the legs extra high cut. He looked at his wife. "You got this...for me? I mean, not for me exactly, but...Really?"

"Really," Mac replied. "If you'll just pass it over I'll go put it on."

A smile graced his face for the first time all day. "Here you go."

Mac took the garment from him and slipped into the bathroom. A few moments later she emerged, dressed in it. The red highlighted her olive skin and dark hair, while the white made her skin shine like an angel's wing. "Merry Christmas, my love," she whispered and leaned in close to him.

Harm leaned up and took her lips in a kiss. He kept the pressure light and gentle, softly moving his lips over hers. He reached out and touched her shoulders pulling her near him, the stopped, "Are you sure you can...?" he asked.

"Pretty sure," she whispered. "I want to try anyway..."

He nodded slowly. "Come onto the bed," he told her patting the spot beside him.

She did as he asked, sliding herself into place next to him.

Harm rolled over and moved himself on top of her. He kissed her again, just as gently, and ran his hands all over her body, across her shoulders, down her breasts, across her abdomen. "I love you so much," he whispered kissing each cheek. "So much."

He continued to touch her and caress her, while she allowed him access to her body, moving and stretching to give him access. He reached his fingers under the straps of her newly acquired night attire and started to move them aside, "I'm not hurting you am I?" he asked, now that his weight was on her body.

"Mmm...no," she whispered in reply, the feel of his touch making her heart skip a beat and her mind go all to pieces. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you," he replied and slipped the straps down bearing her breasts to her view. "I can't wait until you nurse another baby here, until I can see that. When can we start trying?" he asked, dipping his head to take her nipple between his teeth.

"Oh, that...mmmm..." she answered, unable to formulate a sensible reply at first. "Any...anytime we want to."

"How about now?" he asked moving his attention across her breastbone to her other nipple, only this time he licked instead of nipping.

"Oh, that feels...mmmm..." she answered once again in the process of putting together an actual answer. "You want to?"

"I do," Harm replied. "I want another little girl with Lucy's big eyes or another little boy with DJ's cute smile," he replied. "I want to try." He abandoned her breasts and kissed his way down her body until his lips were on her womb. He placed a loving kiss there, and lay his cheek upon her belly. "How do you feel right now, my love?"

"Like...like things are right with us again," she answered softly. "Like we're really going to be okay."

Harm lifted his face up and moved to take her mouth in another loving kiss, "We are. We're going to be okay Mac. I promise."

"Deep down," she said as a single tear fell from her eyes, "I...I never stopped believing that."

Harm reached out with a tender hand and brushed the tear away, "I did," he replied. "I really did. And I'm so sorry for that, for not believing in you, in us."

"I didn't make it easy for you," she said, emotion filling her voice. "I was so mean to you..."

"I deserved it," he replied. "I hurt you so badly. I betrayed your trust. I made you cry," he kissed each eyelid as he said this and settled his hips against hers.

"I made you cry, too," she whispered, her heart beating a little faster.

"Let's make a Christmas Resolution," he said caressing her cheek with his hand, his voice soft and low. "Okay?"

"Okay," she agreed with a gentle whisper.

"We won't make each other cry," he said. "We'll cry to each other, but we won't make each other cry. Not anymore."

"I'd like that very much," she replied as another tear escaped her eyes.

He kissed her tears, then her lips again as he let his hands roam all over her body, eliciting moans and whimpers of pleasure from her. He slid his hand down after a while, away from her chest and belly to check her, she was ready, oh was she ready for him. "You want me, Baby?" he asked, feeling as if he could hold back no longer.

"Yes," she answered, her breath heavy and her heart racing even more than before. "Yes...gentle though..."

"I'll be gentle, Baby," he whispered. "I won't hurt you."

Harm kissed her lips as her raised his hips over Mac's and slowly entered her body. He inched his way in, moving so slowly, as gently as he could...

"Oh, God," she said, drawing in a sharp breath.

Harm froze in place, not moving when he heard her gasp, "What?" he asked worriedly, fearing he all ready knew.

"Hurts," she gasped, feeling badly that she'd interrupted the Moment.

"Okay, I'm sorry, Baby," he whispered. "Want me to move or stay still. Just tell me what to do."

"Just...stay still for a sec," she said, focusing her mind on relaxing through the pain, hoping it would ease up.

He held himself still, not moving, barely even breathing as he watched her breath and struggle with the pain. "How you doing?" he asked tenderly. "Still hurt?"

"Mm-hmm," she nodded. "Little better though; try again, super slow..."

"You sure?" he asked. "I don't want you sick tomorrow."

"Yeah," she answered. "I'm sure. We have to get past this...go ahead, you'll know if it hurts again..."

He decided only she could know what she could or could not tolerate so he began to move again, even slower than before waiting for her signal on whether to proceed or halt.

She held her breath as he moved further into her body, feeling every centimeter, one by one. She took another deep breath, but didn't say a word. "This has to work tonight," she thought to herself. "We need this so badly, to try for our baby..."

Harm proceeded when Mac remained silent finally reaching the northern most part of her sex with his own. He pulled back quickly, then began to slowly reenter her to establish his rhythm.

"Oh God! No! Stop!" she cried the Moment he moved back into her.

He froze in place at her outcry, "What, Baby? What?" he asked. "Still or move, just tell me?"

"Move," she sobbed, gasping for breath as the pain overtook her. "Oh God, it hurts so bad!"

Quickly Harm moved out of her and to her side. He took her in his arms and cradled her rocking slowly, "Ssh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he apologized kissing her hair. "Just breathe through it. Do you want your pills? Pillows? What do you need?"

"I need this pain to stop ruining our lives!" she cried.

He gently began to rub her arm up and down, "Ssh. It's okay. Nothing is ruined. It's going to be okay. Just calm down," he coaxed.

She continued to cry. "I can't calm down! I...I know I can carry a baby...but...how can I do that if we can't get far enough into things to conceive one?"

"There are other ways," he told her gently. "Mac, try and answer me now. Are you crying because you hurt or because you're upset?" If she hurt he had to treat her, then he could hold and coddle.

She sobbed for a Moment before responding. "Hurt...but more upset...I wanted this to work so badly for you and I...I couldn't do it!"

"Ssh," he whispered. "Its okay, I love it. Just holding you that's enough," he assured her. "I'm going to let you go and lay you down okay, just for a minute."

"Why?" she asked in a tear-filled whisper.

"So I can get the heating pad and the pillows," he replied. "If you hurt you have to be treated Mac," he told her. "I'll be back in one minute."

"Okay," she said, reluctant to let him go, but knowing he was right.

True to his word Harm was back in a minute with three soft pillows and her heating pad. He gently put her legs up high then plugged in the pad, "Where does it hurt the worst?"

"Here," she whispered, placing her hand over her abdomen, over the very place Harm had kissed only Moments before.

"That's not the usual place," he observed placing the pad over the sore spot before gathering her close again.

"I'm sorry," she cried as she felt him snuggle in near to her.

"No," he said. "I'm sorry. I never should have tried it. Just hold onto me, the pain should pass."

"But you have nothing to be sorry for" she cried. "I wanted this; we needed this and I couldn't do it - again!"

"I wanted it too, but I want something else even more," he whispered. "You know what that is?"

She shook her head as she leaned as close to him as she was able.

"I want to see a smile on that beautiful face," he whispered and kissed her forehead. "I love what you tried to do, but...I would like it very much if you tried to stop crying."

With great concentration and a few deep breaths, Mac managed to stop crying, for the most part. She shifted herself just a little in an effort to get even closer to the man she loved. "Oh no..." she whispered as she laid her head against his shoulder.

"What?" he asked voice edged with fear. "What's wrong?"

"No..." she whispered, tears edging their way back in. "Not again...no..."

"Mac," he said firmly. "Mac talk to me. What's wrong? What's happening?"

"I'm bleeding," she whispered. "I can feel it...I'm so sorry..."

"Ssh," he whispered again. "Can I let go of you so I can see how bad it is?"

She nodded, her bottom lip quivering. "I don't wanna go to the hospital...it's Christmas Eve and the kids...Santa..."

"Maybe its not that bad," he comforted. "Let me see."

Harm slid out of bed and pulled the sheets out of the bottom of the bed. He lifted them up and manipulated her legs so he could see how bad it was. He gently eased a hand between her legs and pulled it back, finding only a tiny streak of blood. "It doesn't look too bad. How do you feel? Dizzy? Cold?" he asked.

"No," she answered. "Is...there a lot?"

"Not much at all," he replied. "Just a few spots. Do you think you could get on some panties and a pad if I get it and bring it to you?"

"Think so," she sniffed, feeling very relieved that she wasn't pouring blood like she often did.

It took a few more minutes but with Harm's help Mac managed to get her panties on so she did not leak on the bed. When he had her lying down again, he swore, "Crap!"

"Hmm?" she responded. "What?"

"We forgot to eat the cookies," he smiled. "Want some?"

"Chocolate chip?" she asked with a little smile.

"Coming up," he replied. "Mac, how's the pain? Do you need a pill while I'm up?"

"Probably be a good idea," she answered, still sniffling some.

"I'll be right back," he smiled and headed to get the cookies and the pills.

When they'd eaten Santa's cookies and left the dirty dish for Lucy to find, Harm climbed back in bed and gathered Mac to him. She was dozing off, the pills having taken effect, "I love you, Honey," he whispered against her hair.

"I love you, sweetie," she whispered in reply before falling into a solid nights slumber.

Harm and Mac's next conscious thoughts were of little hands and feet on their bodies. "Mommy! Daddy!" Lucy exclaimed. "It's Christmas!"

"It is? Really?" kidded Harm as he tossed back his covers. "How do you know?"

"Cause Santa came and brought the presents," Lucy giggled as DJ worked on poking Mac. "Daddy, why are you pajamas on the floor?"

"Oh, uh, Daddy got a little too warm last night," answered a slightly red-faced Harm, very thankful he at least had his boxers on. "Why don't you and DJ go see how many presents you have, and I'll be there in just a minute?"

Meanwhile Mac was waking up to her little boy's prodding. She had to bite back a laugh at Lucy's query. When the kids had scampered off she smiled at Harm, "Merry Christmas, Sailor."

"Merry Christmas to you, too, my love," he replied, leaning over to kiss her before his mood changed from romantic to concerned. "How's the pain? You feel okay?"

"I ache, but it's not bad," Mac replied. "You better get those jammies on; I have to change out of this thing. Someone needs to get out there before they tear open all the presents."

"Right," he agreed as he reached down for his pajama pants. "I'll go; you join us as soon as you can."

"Give me five minutes," she smiled and slid out of bed with no apparent difficultly.

Harm joined the children in the family room, finding that Lucy had already begun dividing up the packages by name; she could read plenty well enough for that at her age. DJ was busy ripping the paper off his third box - the last of which wasn't actually his - by the time Harm stopped him. Mac joined the group Moments later, and within thirty minutes there was nothing left of the gifts beneath the tree except a mountain of torn wrapping paper and empty boxes.

Harm made the family waffles, while Mac took care of the mess with DJ's help. Then she and Lucy put on matching read dresses, and did their hair in preparation for Christmas dinner with Uncle AJ. As Mac finished tying the bow in Lucy's hair she asked, "Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas this year, Lucy?"

"Uh-huh," she answered. "I did, Mommy."

"I'm glad," Mac smiled. "How about that new doll Daddy got? Did you name her yet?" Mac asked straightening the bow on Lucy's dress.

"I think," said Lucy. "That I'll call her...Susanna."

"That's pretty," Mac smiled and gave her baby a tight hug. She just released her to go play with her new toy when the door bell rang. "I bet I know who that is," Mac said. "Who is it?"

"Uncle AJ!" Lucy exclaimed and sprinted off to greet her favorite honorary uncle.

Harm got out of his recliner and looked through the peephole, forgetting that it was being blocked by the Christmas wreath. Turning the dead bolt, he slowly opened the door...

"Hi, Honey," Trish smiled when he son opened the door. "Surprise," add Frank.

"Mom? Frank?" stammered a very surprised Harm. "I didn't know you were coming! Did I? Was I supposed to meet your flight? I'm sorry..."

"No, no," said Frank. "I wanted to call but she insisted we surprise you," Frank smiled. "Can we come in?"

"Of course," said Harm, stepping back to allow them to enter.

Lucy ran from the bedroom to the living room squealing "Uncle AJ!" only for those to change to, "Nana!" when she saw Trish and ran at her grandparents.

Trish caught the five year old ball of energy and gave her a hug before passing her to Frank who did the same. Mac heard Lucy's exclamations and came out of the bedroom smiling brightly, "Mom, Frank, Merry Christmas," she greeted with a warm hug. Then to Harm, "Did you know they were coming?"

"I had no idea," he said with a smile. "But I'm glad they did. Aren't you, honey?"

Mac did her best to smile. Every phone call with Trish since Thanksgiving had been a strain, but she didn't want Harm to know that. "Of course I am. Lucy, why don't you show Nana and Pop to the Lighthouse room okay?"

"Okay, Mommy!" Lucy said and took her grandparents to the guest room.

"Harm, can I see you?" Mac asked and nodded to the kitchen.

"Yeah, okay," he said, knowing his wife was almost certainly not happy with the unannounced arrival of her in-laws on Christmas morning.

"What are we going to do?" Mac asked. "Do we have enough food?"

"I think so," he said. "They don't eat much. You're not happy about this, are you?"

"Not really," Mac sighed. "I didn't want a big deal this year. I wanted you to be able to relax some and now you can't do that. How long are they going to stay?"

Harm attempted to answer, but a coughing fit made it temporarily impossible.

Mac began to rub his back. He'd had these on and off since his bout with the flu, but some days were better than others. Colder damp days like today made it worse, "Easy, there. Do you still have that expectorant the doctor gave you?"

He nodded, his eyes watering. "In our bathroom."

"Do you want me to get it or do you just want to sit down and rest?" Mac asked him. "Do you think it's the bronchitis again?"

"I'm...okay," he coughed out. "Just a little drink and...I'll be fine."

Mac filled a glass with water and handed it to him. "I'm going to make sure I put Vicks on tonight incase though," she frowned. "Ever since the ocean."

He once again nodded as he slowly swallowed the water. "Wonder if I'll ever...shake this crap..."

"Probably not, you did some damage then with the pneumonia," Mac sighed. "I'm just glad the hip bounced."

"Me too," he whispered. "Me too."

"Why don't you go sit down, get your breath back?" Mac suggested. "I'll get some spinach dip and tortilla chips out for your Mom and Frank."

"I'm okay," he said, his voice clearly irritated from the coughing. "I'll go see what Lucy's got them doing; they've been gone awhile."

"Probably showing them all the new toys and clothes," Mac smiled. "Go sit down, I've got this."

Reluctantly, Harm took a seat in his recliner while Mac went to check on things down the hall.

Mac smiled when she found Lucy busily helping her grandparents put their things away. DJ was handing Frank his shirts, unfolding them in the process, while Lucy was putting Trish's things in the drawers. "Mac, how are you feeling?" she asked.

"I'm good," answered a less-than-excited Mac. "I trust you're both doing well?"

"We are," Trish smiled. "Was that you I heard coughing just now?"

"No," replied Mac. "It was Harm. He's fine now."

"When did he get such a terrible cough?" asked the worried mother.

"He had the flu a couple weeks ago," said Mac. "The cough just hung on for awhile."

Trish nodded, "Is he under a doctor's care?"

"He was for the flu," said Mac, growing weary of this line of questioning. "Would you folks like something to eat or drink?"

"Um, yeah some eggnog maybe if you made any?" Frank asked. "DJ, want to show Pop your new boats?" The tot had told him he got "lotta boats n stuff."

"I think we've got some out there," said Mac. "I'll go see. DJ, you make sure you pick up your boats when you're finished showing them to Pop, okay?"

DJ nodded and took Frank's hand while Lucy took Trish's. Harm was still in the recliner having just finished another round of coughing. Mac rubbed his cheek as she passed, "Do we have eggnog?"

He nodded. "Three cartons in there; bought them yesterday."

"You okay? You sound really bad," she frowned. "You feel okay otherwise?"

"Fine" he said as convincingly as he could. "Just this damn cough. I'll live."

Mac smiled, "You sure will." With that she went to get the drinks and put out the snacks.

Twenty minutes later, AJ arrived with a dish of his traditional sweet potato casserole, which was Lucy's all-time favorite holiday treat. The family sat down to a nice, relaxing meal of spiral-cut ham (which Harm, of course, passed on), mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, fruit salad, creamed corn and rolls, with pumpkin and apple crumb pies for dessert. Afterwards, the men and the kids retreated to the family room while Mac and Trish took to the task of cleaning up.

"I really am glad that you seem to be doing better Mac," Trish said as she washed the dished. "But I am worried about my son."

"Why?" asked Mac.

"He seems so tired and worn out," Trish replied. "I know your illness had been hard on him."

"It has," agreed Mac as she placed a stack of clean plates into the cupboard. "But he's handled it quite well in my mind."

"You don't know him as well as you think," Trish sighed.

"Is that so?" replied Mac. "I think I know him pretty well actually."

"Then you know he's been depressed, that he is hurting right now," Trish replied. "You didn't see his face..."

"Is this really any of your business?" questioned Mac, tossing her dish towel onto the counter. "I know he's your son, but he's my husband and there are some things that belong just between he and I."

"Like how sick you really are?" Trish pressed. "That isn't between he and you that is between all of us as a family. It is affecting my son, my grandchildren...Mac why don't you just have the surgery?"

"Because I don't want to!" exclaimed Mac.

"Come down, Mac," Trish soothed. "Its just I don't understand...You all ready have two children and this condition is so hard on all of you."

"Why does it matter how many children I already have?" asked Mac, clearly annoyed and upset. "That's not the basis for anything! We want one more child, and my doctor says there's no reason to think we can't have it!"

"No reason," Trish sighed. "Do you remember Thanksgiving?"

"Oh gee, let me see," said Mac sarcastically. "Hmm...nope, it doesn't ring a bell!"

"Be serious, please," Trish said in a parental tone. "You didn't see what I saw, that's all I meant. You didn't see Harm's fear or have to pull Lucy out of the closet."

"No, I was just the one lying in a pool of their own blood, fighting to stay conscious," stated Mac.

"You see," Trish sighed and sat down. "You're doing it again."

"Doing what?" asked Mac, growing more tired of this conversation by the minute.

"Being selfish," Trish said simply. "Yes, okay, you were sick and in pain, but you know that, you know that comes with this disease and yet you continue to insist on having another child. Do you even think about what it does to him? He told me he wants you to have the surgery."

"He may have felt that way initially," rebutted Mac. "But he's with me on trying to have one more; I know it for a fact regardless of what you think."

"He still feels that way. He's doing it for you," Trish sighed. "And I'm asking you to let it go, for him. He's your husband, give something up for him."

"Oh, you have no idea what I've given up for him!" spat Mac. "Tell me again exactly when this became a topic you feel you need to discuss with me, and better yet, when you decided you know what my husband thinks, wants and feels better than I do?"

"I'm his mother, a mother knows," Trish replied.

"Not this time she doesn't," said Mac, closing the last open cupboard and walking out of the room.

It was clear to Harm Mac was upset as she came to the living room and headed for their bedroom. His mother came out on her heels looking exasperated, "What happened Mom?"

"Mac and I were talking...Its nothing," Trish trailed off.

"It's not 'nothing' or she wouldn't be upset like she is," said Harm.

Trish sat down and leaned close to Harm, "I tried to convince her to have the hysterectomy," Trish told him. "I thought the voice of reason might reach her."

"Mom," sighed Harm, running his hand through his hair. "She doesn't see you as 'the voice of reason', and besides that, she's very sensitive about that topic. You shouldn't have said anything to her."

"Someone needed to," Trish replied. "You'll do anything she wants, someone outside needed to talk to her about it."

"The issue," said Harm. "Is between Mac and me, period. We've talked and we've made our decision, and that's our business."

"You...Harm sometimes I wonder if you are the son I raised," Trish sighed.

"Mom, please," he sighed. "I really can't deal with this right now, so if all you came here to do was upset my wife and question the decisions we've made within our marriage, you can leave."

Trish ignored that and pressed on, "Why can't you deal with it? What is wrong now?"

"It's Christmas day," he began. "And the last thing I need right now is another disastrous holiday having anything to do with Mac's illness, in this case you upsetting her over it. I've been sick myself lately, I've...I've been under a lot of stress and I don't need any more!"

"That's precisely why I want her to have the operation, to relieve some of the burden on you," Trish replied. "I love you Honey, and someone has to look out for you."

"She's not gonna have it, Mom," said Harm plainly. "We want one more baby, whether anyone thinks we should have one or not, and obviously that means the operation has to wait."

Trish rose from her seat, "I only mean to help you Harm," she sighed. "I'm sorry if I upset you further."

"I know, I know," he sighed. "Just...please, just leave this alone. You'll only make things worse for all of us if you don't."

Trish said nothing further and went to join AJ, Frank and the children playing near the fireplace.

"You okay, baby?" he asked, knowing the answer before asking the question.

"I want her out of here," Mac said firmly. "Now."

"I talked to her," he said as he approached Mac and reached out for her hands. "I asked her to leave this whole topic alone. She won't bring it up again, I promise."

She pulled her hands back and fought the lump in her throat, "I don't want her in this house. She's only going to start in on the kids with this nonsense."

"What did she say to you?" he asked.

"She...She pushed me to have the operation and she said...she basically accused me of not being a good wife to you and told me I'm selfish to want another baby," Mac replied as the tears leaked out.

He reached up and wiped away the tears from her face. "Did you tell her that we want the baby, not just that you want it?"

Mac nodded, "And when I said that she...She said something that really bothered me, Harm?"

"Tell me," he said softly.

"She said that you told her you want me to have the surgery," Mac said. "Recently."

"I didn't tell her that," he said. "What I told her, after Thanksgiving, was that you didn't want the surgery because you wanted to try for one more baby, and that I supported you in that decision."

"But you didn't say it was your decision," Mac sighed. "Do you...Harm what do you want me to do?"

He took her tear-covered face in his hands. "I want us to have our miracle baby," he said. "Just like I said last night, I want to try."

Mac smiled through her tears, "I love you. But if you want me to have the operation, I'll do it. It's not fair to you, what happens."

"You mean last night?" he queried in a whisper.

"Not just last night," Mac sighed. "Every time."

"It's not every time, love," he countered. "That night at Grams' place, it was so nice."

"And I was...I was miserable after it," Mac replied. "I just...you just needed me so much and I needed you. I was able to keep quiet."

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't know it hurt you so much that time. You're right though, we needed each other that night. We'll get through this, we just have to keep at it, keep trying and sooner or later, a night will come again that doesn't hurt you, sweetie. I'm willing to give it my all if you are."

Mac leaned against him, "Can you get the children ready for bed and say good night? I need some time and some rest."

"Of course," he answered, kissing her lips gently. "I mean it, baby; I'm willing to keep fighting this fight. I won't let nights like we've been having defeat me...if you won't. Are you with me?"

Mac nodded, "All the way. Love me?" she asked with a watery smile.

"Like you wouldn't believe," he replied with a gorgeous Flyboy smile.


	41. Chapter 41

A/N: Just a short chapter to get us back into the swing of things. I had the best time on my vacation thanks to those who wished me fun, your wish was granted. Once again thanks to those who reviewed and special thanks to Snugglebug for guidance, assistance and friendship. Hugs to you, Lady!

Enjoy Chapter 41. Expect Chapter 42 by the weekend.

By some miracle Harm and Mac managed to make it through a week with Trish and Frank. A few days after they departed, Bud had asked Harm for beers at McMurphy's, to kick back and relax before the docket picked up. "So, we really haven't 'talked since...How are things?"

"Better," said Harm. "A lot better, actually."

"Really," Bud smiled.

"Yeah," smiled Harm. "I mean, we're not completely back to the way things were before...you know, but we're communicating better and getting along better. That's something, I guess."

"I...Harriet said it got pretty bad for awhile," Bud asked. "What changed it?"

"Therapy," answered Harm with a little laugh. "Nah, in all honesty, I think...I think Grams' death was a real turning point for us. Since then, things haven't been great all the time, but they've been a whole hell of a lot better than before."

"Good," Bud smiled. "There's...She still looks awfully sick Harm."

"She is," he said as he took a swig of his beer.

"But I thought the surgery fixed things," Bud sighed.

"Nope," said Harm plainly. "But, we're doing the best we can."

"Isn't...How bad is it? As bad as Thanksgiving or..."

"No, thankfully," he said. "She's in pain quite a bit of the time, but she can usually make it through the day without needing her meds. We consider that a victory."

Bud nodded, "Sure is. Can I ask how is the other situation? The one with Annie?"

Harm shook his head and took another drink. "No change. She's 4 and a half months along now, so I'm officially halfway to finding out if the baby is mine or not."

"Closer than that," Bud replied. "Get an amnio."

"I don't want her to have an amnio," stated Harm plainly.

"Why?" Bud asked. "Harriet had one every time."

"Mac had one with Lucy," he said. "The doctors suspected something was wrong, I forget even what it was, but the lab messed it up and long story short, we had to have it drawn a second time and it was an emotional nightmare. This thing with Annie is bad enough without adding the possibility of a lab screw up at this point in the game."

"So you'll just wait another five months?" Bud asked. "That doesn't make much sense."

Harm sighed. "No, I know it really doesn't. On one hand, I could find out once and for all right now if the kid is mine or not, and I could - hopefully - put the whole mess behind me. On the other hand, if it is mine...I'm not ready to deal with that yet, cowardly as that must sound. Logically, there's no good reason not to do it, but not much about the whole matter has been logical."

"True," Bud sighed. "I mean...If you thought...You think it is yours don't you?"

Harm fidgeted with the label on his beer bottle. "Maybe...I don't know...It's possible, I guess, but...I don't know what I think."

"Harm," Bud sighed. "Are you...are you starting to care for this baby?"

"What? No!" replied a defensive Harm. "I'm not caring for it like I did Lucy or DJ, if that's what you mean."

"But in spite of yourself you are worrying about it, aren't you?" Bud asked.

Harm nodded. "Hard not to, you know, just a little bit. Do you realize, if it is mine, that I'll be forever chained to that crazy woman for the rest of my life? I still don't know how I could've done something so stupid..."

"What's done is done," Bud sighed as Harm's cell phone rang.

He grabbed the phone from his belt, looked at the screen and answered the call. "Hello"

"Hi, Honey," Mac's voice came through the phone. "Can you come home soon?"

"I think so," he replied. "Everything okay?"

"Uh, not really," Mac replied. "It's Lucy."

"Oh boy," he sighed. "What this time?"

"Sick again," Mac sighed. "Vomiting, fever, chills. She wants you."

He shook his head. "I'll be there in 15. I love you."

"What's up?" Bud asked.

"Lucy's sick again," replied Harm as he slid off the bar stool and pulled his jacket on. "I got to get home; thanks for tonight, Bud. I need times like these."

"Again?" Bud sighed. "Harm you guys should take her to see the doctor. Get a blood test."

"We've taken her to the pediatrician 3 or 4 times for this," he said. "He said she's just prone to catching things right now and there's no need for any tests. Besides, she hates needles."

"Okay," Bud sighed. "Hey, can I come with you?"

"Uh, yeah, if you want," he said as he headed for the door.

The two men drove the distance between Falls Church and Manassas in half hour flat. When they walked in, they could hear Lucy being sick in the bathroom and Mac gently talking to her. Harm could tell that Mac was not well herself by the sound of her voice. "Lucy, Baby, its okay. Daddy's coming."

Harm hurried down the hall as fast as he could. "Lucy? I'm here, sweetie. It's okay."

The little girl gave a weak cough to try to get the her stomach to rid itself of its contents, but there was nothing left. "My stomach hurts," she whispered. "I don't feel good."

"I know you don't, Button," he said softly. "I'll get you some water to rinse your mouth with, then you can get back in bed."

"My back hurts," she whined. "So does Mommy's."

He looked over at his wife, his eyes asking her if she was in fact hurting.

"Take care of her, I'll be..." She took a deep breath. "Okay."

Harm looked to his friend for help. "Bud, would you please help Mac into bed and get her the big orange bottle of pills from our medicine chest? I'll be in as soon as I get this little one settled."

"Sure," Bud replied and stood back until Harm got Lucy out of the bathroom.

Bud knelt down next to Mac, "Need a hand up or how do you want to do this?" he asked, voice dripping with sympathy for the woman's obvious discomfort.

"No, I...I can make it," she said weakly as she attempted to stand, finding herself growing dizzy in the process.

She swayed as she rose and groped for the sink, "Are you sure, Mac? Why don't you put your arm around my waist? Harm, will kick my butt if I let you fall."

With a reluctant nod, she took his suggestion. "I'm okay, really. I just...I'm just tired."

"You're feeling really lousy aren't you?" he frowned. "Harm told me. You can admit it, its okay."

Mac sighed. "I really am. I hate it."

Bud helped Mac moved from the cramped "kid's bathroom" to the master bedroom. "What happened with the little one?" he asked trying to take her mind off the pain. She was shaking from the effort and he wanted to help as best he could without stepping into Harm's place.

"I don't know really," sighed Mac. "Probably another bug; poor kid has had way too many of those lately."

"I told Harm she should get a blood test," Bud said as they reached the bed. "Want to sit down or lie down?"

"Sit for a minute," she said, her voice showing the pain she was in. "Her doctor doesn't seem to think she needs any testing done."

Bud eased Mac down and sat beside her, "That's what Harm told me. I just don't remember her ever being sick."

"She never used to get sick," said Mac. "It happens, though, we know that."

Bud nodded, "Can I get you anything at all to make you feel better?" he asked.

Mac shook her head. "No, but thanks for asking. I think I'm ready to lie down."

"Do you need help?" he asked. "Just tell me what to do. I don't know what to do."

"No, I can do it" she said as she slowly laid back against her pillow. "I hope Lucy isn't giving Harm any trouble, poor girl feels terrible."

"Good thing you were able to reach him, huh?" observed Bud. "How would you have managed if he were gone?"

She took a deep breath. "I don't know. I would've done it, of course, but...it would've been tough."

"How you feeling now, Mac?" he asked seeing she was nearly settled. "Harm said to get your some medicine. Do you want it now?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I'm so tired of taking medicine for this garbage."

"Maybe your doctor can do another operation?" Bud suggested. "Did that last one help much?" He hurried to the cabinet and took down the large bottle of pills. He removed one and brought it and a cup of water over to Mac.

"Not as much as we hoped it would," replied Mac as she accepted the offered pill and drink. "I'm probably facing a repeat operation soon, but..."

"But?" he pressed as he took the empty cup. "Is there anything else I can do before Harm gets back?"

"No, Bud," said Mac. "You've been a huge help already. Go check on Harm if you would, please. He's probably singing to her, but I don't hear him."

"Okay, sure," Bud smiled softly. "You rest easy."

Harm had carried Lucy from the bathroom to her bedroom. The little girl was tired and whimpered against her father's chest. Her little body ached all over and once again he could tell she was feverish.

"You want Daddy to sing your sleepy song, Button?" he asked the ailing child.

Lucy shook her head, "No."

"Do you want me to sit with you in your bed?" he asked.

"Uh huh," she nodded. "I'm hurting."

"I know you are, baby love," he said as he laid her into her bed and sat down right beside her. "Do you want your Pooh Bear?"

Lucy nodded again, "I don't like not feeling good," she pouted. "I want you to make it better."

"I wish I could make it better, Lucy," he said, his heart breaking over his child's plea. "Here's Pooh; snuggle up with him."

Lucy took her beloved bear and snuggled with him. "Can you sleep in here?"

"Would that make you feel better?" he asked as he brushed her damp hair back from her forehead.

She started to shiver a little bit then, "No. But I still want it."

Harm swallowed hard. "Okay, I'll sleep in here, baby girl. Let me go check on Mommy, then I'll be in."

"Does Mommy need you too?" Lucy asked blue eyes glassy with fever.

"She needs me to check on her," he said. "But I think she can sleep by herself."

"Cause I could share," she offered and twisted a bit in her bed.

Harm couldn't help but smile. "That's very sweet of you, baby girl," he said. "But I think Mommy will be okay with me in here tonight. I'll go make sure, then I'll be right back."

Lucy nodded and twisted some more trying to get comfy when she ached all over.

Harm and Bud met up in the hall and simultaneously they asked each other, "How is she?"

"Not too good," answered Harm. "I'm on my way to check on Mac, then I'm going to go sleep on Lucy's floor."

"She's not so hot in there either," Bud replied. "I think she's putting on a brave face for me though."

Harm nodded. "She does that a lot anymore. Thanks for helping her get settled, I really appreciate it."

"You going to be okay tonight? I could call Harriet and ask to stay here," Bud offered.

"Oh Bud, you don't need to do that," said a very grateful Harm. "I can handle it from here, you should get home to your own family."

Bud nodded, "Well just call if you need us and one of us will be right over," Bud said. "I mean it."

"Will do," said Harm. "Thanks again, for everything."

Bud took his leave with a handshake and Harm went to see Mac. She was lying flat and straight, no pillows in sight, staring at the ceiling.

"You know better than that," he said softly.

"Yeah but I didn't want to put Bud out," Mac replied. "Anyway, I can hide the pain when its time to put my legs up."

"I know," he said as he got her pillows from the chair in the corner. "And I really wish you didn't hide it like that. Lift up."

Mac bore down and bit her lip hard. She refused to give into it anymore, not even in front of Harm. When he finished the agonizing procedure, she was visibly shaking, but made no sound and shed only one tear.

"I'm going to sleep in Lucy's room tonight," he said as he changed into his sleep clothes. "Is that okay?"

"Yeah, sure. I'm fine," Mac replied. "How is she doing?"

"Not good," he replied. "Much like her mother. You don't have to hide the pain from me, Mac. It's okay to let people know when you don't feel good."

"Not anymore," Mac replied. "I'm not giving in. I'm done being the victim. I wouldn't have even told you tonight if Lucy didn't squeal on me."

"Mac," he sighed. "I...I really wish you weren't trying to be so brave and covert about this. It's not necessary, and it really bothers me that you still feel like you have to shut me out sometimes. I thought we were past that."

"We are," Mac sighed. "I just don't need to occupy every minute of your time. Lucy needs you. I will be..." She paused.

"What's wrong?" he asked, hurrying to her side despite being a bit put out with her.

"Nothing," Mac lied for she was in the midst of a fierce cramp. "I'm good."

"Don't lie to me, Mac," he said sternly. "I know that look, you're in pain; don't deny it."

"It's only a cramp," she sighed. "It'll pass."

"I know it'll pass," he said. "That's not the point. I don't want to fall back into the hole we've worked so hard to get out of, and that means we need to not start keeping things from each other again."

Mac nodded, "Do you think you can spare ten minutes then?" she asked relenting.

"I sure can," he replied. "What do you need?"

"Can you please...I feel silly," Mac blushed.

"Don't feel silly," he encouraged. "What do you need?"

"My stomach is really badly cramped," Mac sighed. "Can you rub it out for me and then set me up with the hot pack."

He smiled warmly. "You know I will."

Harm reached out gently and began to rub Mac's stomach, he could feel the cramp there, tight and hard. "You must be miserable," he said.

"I really have had a lot worse," Mac replied. "Anyway Lucy is more important now."

"I want to be here for you, too" he insisted. "I don't want to slight one of you for the other. Just speak up when you need something from me, sweetie. That's all I need you to do."

"A quick kiss and that heating pad will do it. This isn't helping much," Mac sighed. "You're going to need to call the doctor again. The pain is different and higher up."

"Want me to call tonight?" he asked. "Is it just pain? Are you bleeding, too? Where exactly does it hurt?"

"No, it's not bad enough for that and I'm not bleeding," Mac replied. "The pain is here." She pointed to her left side higher up near her ovary or her fallopian tube.

"Hmm, okay," he said. "I'll call in the morning, if you're really sure you'll be okay tonight."

"I will be," Mac said. "Go to her. She needs you."

With a nod and a sweet kiss goodnight, Harm grabbed his pillow and an extra blanket and returned to Lucy's room for the night.


	42. Chapter 42

A/N: As promised, the weekend update. I'm going to try to get back to every Wednesday or Thursday updates as before. There will be some chapter that I will post in blocks, one per day until the arch is finished. I hope you all like it. Please keep the reviews coming, they are appreciated.

Mac and Lucy both rested together the next day. Mac improved however Lucy did not. She couldn't keep anything down and still had a high fever. Mac had a doctor's appointment for two days from then, Monday afternoon. In spite of both his "girls" feeling bad, Harm had an easy day. It was nearly dinner time and Mac craved pizza so he and DJ drove to Frank's Pizza a very popular pizza outfit about twenty miles north to pick up their order.

"You ready to eat pizza?" he asked the little boy.

"Pizza!" DJ exclaimed. "Mama pizza too!"

"Yeah, son," replied Harm with a smile. "Mama will have some, too."

"Hello Harm," Annie spoke near his ear. "Dinner time?"

He whipped around at the sound of that all-too-familiar voice. "Oh, hi," he replied, his voice low and unenthusiastic.

"Hey, little fellow," Annie smiled and tickled DJ's chin.

"You, uh..." stammered Harm, his eyes fixed on Annie's substantial baby belly. "You doin' okay?"

"Yeah, I get tired fast but we're okay," Annie replied. "How's Mac and Lucy?"

"Kinda sick right now," he answered, silently praying his order would be ready soon.

"Flu?" Annie asked. Everyone had been getting it.

"Lucy's probably is," he said.

"And Mac's?" Annie inquired massaging her belly a bit.

"She's just not feeling well," he answered, the unsubtle belly massage not going unnoticed by him.

"Same old thing then," Annie sighed. "What is taking so long?"

"I was wondering the same thing," said Harm, looking anxiously behind the counter.

"Is he always so shy?" Annie asked referring to DJ hiding in Harm's shoulder.

"Usually," said Harm. "Do you always ask so many questions?"

"Just trying to make conversation," Annie sighed. "I sent you another picture. You should get it Monday."

He rolled his eyes. "You know, you could scan and email them to me instead of snail mailing them to the house in huge manila envelopes."

"I don't have a scanner," Annie sighed. "Even if I did I don't know how to use that stuff. If you'd just keep your end of the deal I wouldn't have to do it at all."

"We've been over this, Annie," he said. "I admit that I'm slacking on the deal, but it's not simply out of spite. I've had a lot going on, between Mac and Lucy being sick and everything else that's hit me in the last 6 months, I just can't get away like I thought I'd be able to. Still, that doesn't mean you need to send those pictures to the house like you do. You know she sees the envelopes and knows what's inside, which in all reality is why you do it that way."

"I can send them to the office," Annie offered. "I don't want to upset her."

"I wish I could believe that," he said. "I wish I didn't have this nagging feeling that you're out to cause as much grief for Mac and I as you can, but I don't. Where is my pizza?"

"How dare you make such an accusation?" Annie spat. "All I want is my baby's father to be a part of its life."

"Damn it, Annie," Harm fired back, forgetting that DJ was well within earshot. "That has not been proven, and I'm getting sick and tired of going round after round with you over this!"

"Well I will prove it. I'm far enough along now, I'll have an amnio and prove it right away," Annie shot back keeping her voice lower.

"No you won't," he strongly replied. "Because without my consent and my DNA, you can't do it, and I'm not giving you either one!"

"Why?" Annie asked. "You want proof; I'm willing to get it right her right now."

"I just don't want it done that way," he said, matter-of-factly. "That's why."

"Not good enough," Annie countered.

"It is if I say it is," he replied.

"You really are..." Annie began but paused. A look of shock came over her face and she leaned forward a bit as if in pain.

"You okay?" he asked, suddenly feeling a little scared.

Annie didn't reply, she just breathed deeply her hand on her belly.

Harm put DJ down and placed his hand on Annie's shoulder. "Is something wrong?"

"The baby..." She began and listed forward again. "Ouch!"

"Come over and sit down," he ordered, leading her gently towards the bench in the corner.

Annie went with him and sat down. "I think I'm okay now. That's just the first time the baby kicked that hard."

"That's what that was?" he asked. "It was kicking?"

Annie smiled and teared up a bit, "Uh huh. Really hard too. I don't remember Josh ever kicking that hard."

Harm nodded, unsure of what to say. "Are you sure you're okay now?"

"Think so," Annie replied. "Just knocked the wind out of me."

DJ toddled over to his father then, "Daddy?"

"Whatcha need, little man?" he asked,

"Hungee," he whined. "Wanna eat."

"Me too," said Harm. "I'll go see what's taking them so long. Come with me, buddy."

"Bay-bee?" he asked and pointed at Annie's belly.

Harm looked Annie in the eye. "That's right. Ms. Annie is gonna have a...baby."

"Boy bay-bee?" he asked and continued to stare.

"I don't know, sweetie," answered Annie, speaking to DJ but looking at his father. "Oh!"

"What?" asked Harm.

"Again. Want to..." she began then caught herself.

Somehow, he knew what she was preparing to ask. "Do you want me to?"

She simply nodded and pointed, "Here."

With some trepidation and a tiny hint of excitement, Harm reached out and placed his hand against Annie's tummy.

He felt it, the tiny flutter under his hand. It was strong, like Lucy or DJ's kicks had been. She smiled. "Strong huh?"

"It is," he agreed, feeling a myriad of emotions wash over him. He was lost in them when he finally heard the boy behind the counter call his name.

"That's you," Annie sighed. "Thanks for helping me. I appreciate it."

"Welcome," he said, suddenly feeling very guilty; guilty over the entire situation and all that it encompassed.

Harm took his pizza and his son and left the pizza parlor. He arrived home to find that he had indeed been gone too long. "What took so long?" Mac asked flatly, clearly upset with him.

"They were slow as anything," he replied as he set the box on the table.

Mac brushed her hand against Lucy's forehead. "That's fine. She's getting worse."

"I figured as much," he sighed. "Do we need to call the doctor?"

"I did," Mac sighed. "He said it's probably a relapse of the flu and it has to run its course. But her temps nearly 104, she can't keep anything down, and now she's got some chest congestion. Listen."

Harm knelt down beside his sick child. "Mm-hmm, you're right. If she gets any warmer we'll have to take her to the ER."

"She's not even moving when I do the cold clothes," Mac sighed. "See." Mac reached out and put a cold cloth on Lucy's forehead. The child simply stayed still, not a moan, not a whimper.

Harm shook his head. "I'm so tired of her being so sick."

"Me too. She's in pain too. Her back and her knees are the worst," Mac replied. "I can feel it."

Once more, he shook his head. "I just don't know what to do."

Lucy stirred in her sleep just then and gave a cough, "Daddy?"

"I'm right here, baby girl," he said.

"Fix it, Daddy," she whimpered. "It hurts."

"I wish I could, sweetie," he said, fighting the urge to cry. "Try to get some rest, okay?"

She whined again, "It hurts. Make it stop."

He looked up at Mac. "I don't know what to do."

She shook her head. "Want to hold her for a while? Maybe if you rub her back or hers legs that'll help."

"Yeah," he replied. "Can you get DJ set up with some pizza?"

"Sure," Mac replied transferring their little girl to her Daddy. "Do you want any?"

"Not just yet," he said, wrapping his arms around his daughter.

"You sure?" Mac asked. "You have to be hungry."

"I am," he said. "But I'll eat in a bit. You and DJ go ahead."

Mac and DJ ate their pizza, and then later Harm ate one slice. Both he and Mac sat with Lucy all night, taking care of her, nursing her fever, and comforting her. They slept leaning against each other, and by morning their efforts were rewarded when Lucy's fever dropped to a manageable 101. Still Mac kept Lucy in AJ's care when they went to see Dr. Bradley Monday afternoon.

"Good afternoon, Harm, Sarah," Dr. Bradley greeted. "How are you feeling today?"

"Pretty sick," Mac replied. "But not the same as usual."

"She said it hurts in a different place," said Harm.

"Well, lie back, let's take a look," the doctor said. "Why do you too look like you haven't slept in three days? Has it been that bad?"

"It's been pretty bad, yeah," said Harm. "Between Sarah and Lucy, it's...yeah, it's been bad."

"Lucy?" Dr. Bradley asked as he began to palpate Mac's abdomen. "What's wrong with Lucy?"

"Don't really know," replied Harm. "She's had the flu twice in the past month, just keeps getting sick."

The doctor moved his hands over Mac's abdomen until he hit a sore spot. "Oh!" Mac gasped. "There. It's hurting really bad there."

The doctor nodded, and replied to Harm, "She just started school right?" Then, "Sit up, Sarah."

"Mm-hmm," answered Harm. "We figure that's where it's coming from."

The doctor nodded, "Usually does. Sarah, the change in location concerns me."

"How much?" asked Harm, clearly worried and afraid.

"Enough to warrant some tests," the doctor replied. "I'm going to do an internal and an ultrasound now. Based on that I may have to get more invasive."

Harm looked over at Mac, knowing she was already afraid of what was coming.

"Do you want a shot of Demerol for the internal, Sarah?" Dr. Bradley asked.

"No, it'll just make me groggy," she answered. "Just do it; I'll live."

Harm took hold of Mac's hand and the doctor did the examination as gently and quickly as possible. Mac squirmed and moaned, but she got through it. When it was finally over, her entire body sought her husband.

"I'm here," he whispered as he leaned down to be close to her. "It's over, you did great."

Mac nodded as the doctor spoke. "Sarah, is this pain constant or does it come and go?"

"Comes and goes," said Harm.

Mac sighed when she heard her husband's words. It was time to come clean so she shook her head. "No it doesn't. It's always there, all the time. I'm...ever since I popped that stitch...the pain has been constant in my back and in my stomach." She began to cry. "I have no relief. Ever."

Harm looked at his wife in disbelief. "You mean you hurt all the time? ALL the time?"

She nodded, "Yes. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you...I..." She sobbed.

He pulled her close. "It's okay. I wish I'd known, I..."

"There's nothing you could have done, Harm," the doctor comforted. "I'm pretty sure she has a tubal blockage and her ovary is enlarged and that's just from the internal. If you'll try to calm down Sarah I'll get some pictures."

Mac continued to cry against her husband's chest.

"Harm, I'm going to step outside for a few minutes. Try to calm her," the doctor smiled and left the room.

"Sweetheart," he said softly against her ear. "Please stop crying."

"I'm sorry, Harm," Mac sobbed. "I tried. I tried."

"You tried what?" he questioned as he rocked her gently.

"I tried to hide it, to be normal again," she sobbed. "I tried to make it like it was. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," he said tenderly. "If I'd known you were hurting like this, I never, ever would have initiated...anything. I'm so sorry those times hurt you so badly."

"I don't want him to do that test again," Mac cried. "Please."

"I know you don't," he soothed. "But try to think of it this way, it's something you need to do so we can have our baby. Can you think about it like that?"

"That tests hurts so much!" Mac cried. "But...okay...let's get the ultrasound done. If it's fixable..." Mac sniffled.

He kissed the top of her head. "I'll go get the doctor."

Dr. Bradley did the ultrasound that day and determined Mac did indeed need the dreaded HSG. He gave her painkillers to take before hand, but it was still a torturous procedure for her. But, the results were worse.

Not a week after they met with Dr. Bradley the first time, they were meeting with him again, receiving the news Mac would need more surgery for a blocked fallopian tube and some more tissue removal in that area. Two days after that, Mac was admitted to the hospital lying on a table with her husbands hands around hers. "I'm really scared," she whispered. She wasn't normally scared.

"I know it, babe," he said. "I think you'll feel better when it's over, though. Lot less pain."

Mac took a slow breath. Since admitting her pain to Harm she'd retreated to bed once again and let him see how much it really hurt. "Maybe I can breath in again huh?" she quipped. "You'll be there right? When I get out? Promise."

"I promise," he whispered and kissed her hand.

"Did you call Lucy's school? Is she okay?" Mac asked. Earlier she'd feared Lucy was not well again.

"I called and she's fine," he said. "I think she's over the worst of it."

Mac smiled, "Good."

"Mrs. Rabb," the nurse said as she entered. "Dr. Bradley is ready for you."

Harm squeezed her hand and looked into her eyes. "I'll be right beside you when it's over."

Mac smiled, "I know you will my love."

He asked the nurse "How long will the operation take?"

"About three hours," she replied. "You can wait upstairs. The doctor will come get you when he's finished."

With a nod and one last pre-op kiss, Harm let go of his wife's hand as the nurse wheeled her towards the OR.

The promised three hours came and went and still Harm had not see or heard from Dr. Bradley or any of Mac's nurses. Hour four came and went, and still there was no news. He paced, he sat, he drank coffee, he paced some more. Finally, just before the fifth hour, Dr. Bradley appeared still dressed in surgical scrubs. "Harm, we need to talk."

"Is she okay?" he asked, knowing his sort of thing rarely meant good news.

"She will be," the doctor replied. "Her...the blockage has caused a lot of trouble and couple that with several large cysts on her left ovary and the bleeding from the endometriosis...I have some more work to do in there. It could take some more time. I knew you'd be worried."

"I've been worried for the past few hours," said Harm. "What exactly do you have left to do?"

"I need to remove some clots, remove the cysts, and fix some damage to her ovary. Leaving it could prevent her from ovulation properly and that could cause difficulties with conception at a later date," the doctor said. "Even without that, if I fix it it will help her pain tremendously."

"Well then you definitely need to fix it," he said. Having her in less pain was, as much as he hated to admit it, more important than the possible issues with regards to conception. "About how long do you think you'll be?"

"It could be another five or six hours," the doctor replied. "More before you can see her. You won't be able to take her home today. She'll need to stay a few days."

Harm nodded. "Do whatever you have to, doctor. Let me know as soon as she's out of the OR."

"I will," he smiled. "Go call your family, take a walk...I'll be awhile."

As he watched the doctor head back towards the operating room, Harm decided a walk would indeed be a good idea. Taking up his jacket and throwing his empty coffee cup into a nearby trash can, he left the surgical waiting area in search of a little fresh air. He meandered around in the breezeway for a little while, taking the opportunity to call and check in with Harriet, who had DJ for the day. He called the school to check on Lucy, and was relieved to get another good report. On his way back, he heard an ambulance pull into the bay, sirens blaring. He continued walking as the back doors of the vehicle flew open, not being the type to stand and gawk. He was almost inside when he heard it, the unmistakable voice of his neurotic ex-girlfriend.

"Please," the voice was saying. "My baby! Don't hurt it!"

"Ma'am, your baby is okay," said the paramedic. "Let's get you inside and the doctors will check you both over, okay?"

"I'm scared," she sobbed. "It hurts. My stomach hurts."

Without more than two seconds of conscious thought, Harm hurried down the ramp and to Annie's side. "Annie? What happened?"

"Harm?" she sobbed, glad he was there, but not sure how or why. "I..I tripped and fell down the stairs to my cellar. I'm bleeding and..." She dissolved into a puddle of sobs.

"Try to calm down," he said, touching her shoulder but nothing more. "Is anybody meeting you here?"

She shook her head. "There's no one but...but Josh and he's at school. I'm so scared," she cried even harder.

"Sir?" the paramedic asked. "How do you know the patient?"

"I'm uh...a friend," answered Harm, praying silently that Annie would leave it at that.

She did, she had to, any reply was replaced by an outcry of sharp pain. 'Oh, God!" she gasped. "No, please. No!"

"We're headed inside right now, ma'am," said the medic. To Harm, "You coming?"

He looked at Annie, scared, in tears...If it were Mac on that gurney and he weren't nearby he'd want anyone to go with her, to try to calm her down. Silently he nodded.

Harm kept his hand on Annie's shoulder as the medics ushered her inside and gave the information they had to the ER doctor. Harm had to wait while Annie was taken for tests and then was allowed to sit with her. She was crying even harder as the doctor told them she was experiencing premature contractions as a result of her fall. They were going to give her medication to stop them, but there were no guarantees. She looked at him, blue eyes wide, like Lucy's after a bad dream. "How are you here?"

"Mac's having surgery," he replied, looking at his watch. "She should be out in another little bit."

"Is she going to be all right?" Annie asked, one hand on her rounded belly the other gripping the steel rail on the side of the gurney.

He nodded as he stared off into space, still unsure he wanted to get very chummy with this woman.

"I'm glad," she sighed and cringed as she felt her belly contract. "Ooh. I'm going to lose the baby."

"No, no, don't think like that," he said, feeling torn between keeping his distance and being there for what could eventually prove to be his child. "Just think positive, you'll be fine and so will the baby."

"It feels exactly like Josh did," Annie cried. "This is all my fault. I never should have tried to go down those stairs." She was beginning to cry again, hard, making several monitors attached to her and the baby beep.

Harm rose and went to her bedside. "Annie, listen to me. This isn't good, you know that; you need to calm down. I have to get back to Mac, so you have to get yourself together."

"I'm scared," she cried. "I...I want this baby Harm. It doesn't matter if you don't, I do."

He rolled his eyes. "I never said I didn't want it, but we still don't know if it's even mine, so right now all I 'want' is for it to be okay, which means you flat out have to calm down."

"Ma'am," a nurse came over. "We're going to get an ultrasound while you're here, okay? And Dr. Simpson suggested we do an amniocentesis since you've said you haven't had one. Is that okay with you?"

"My doctor in Baltimore," began Annie. "Said I should have it done because of my age, but I...I haven't done it yet."

"Well we can do that for you now since the contractions seem to be tapering off," the nurse replied. "Do you feel relief at all?"

"I'm not feeling any contractions," she said. "But I'm still in pain. What...what kind of things will the amnio tell us, nurse?" She looked up at Harm and caught his frozen stare.

"For one thing, the baby's sex. It can tell us if there are any genetic problems, it can do a lot of things," the nurse replied.

"It can't determine paternity?" asked Annie, knowing full good and well the answer.

"Sure it can if that's an issue," the nurse replied. "As long as we have a sample from the Dad."

Annie nodded slowly. "Let me see what I can do about that."

"No, absolutely not," said Harm. "I'm not even sure why they offered it to you right now, since I'm fairly sure the stress the baby has already been under is more than enough without adding a huge needle to the mix. Forget it."

"But it could..." Annie began but he cut her off.

"I don't care!" said Harm adamantly. "Yeah, I know it could exonerate me from this whole mess and I could get back to life as it was before Mexico, but...on the off-chance that is my kid in there, I don't want to do it today. I mean, you can have the test if you want, but you're not going to determine paternity today, you're just not."

"Why? I have no reason to worry about you not being the father!" Annie shouted. "You know this is your baby. You know it."

"Stop yelling!" he ordered quietly as he stood beside her, running his hands through his hair. He looked at the ceiling and then the floor. He looked at the monitors and the leads, the screens and the print-outs. After a moment, he sighed. "Fine. Let's do it today."

Slowly Annie nodded, "Can you ask the nurse to come back?" It was a sheepish request.

"Yeah," he replied, his voice low and afraid. If his hunch proved correct, the results of this test would let him completely off the hook. It was, undoubtedly, the possibility of that hunch being disproved that had him deeply scared.

The doctor told them they'd have to wait an hour before he could start. In that time Harm called AJ to check on the children then gave his DNA sample. The amnio was a painful ordeal for Annie given that she was still cramping from her fall. Tears leaked out of her eyes as she lay on the table.

Harm had gone in with her, much against his better judgment but not wanting her to be any more upset than she already was. "You doing okay?" he asked, hand once again on her shoulder.

She swallowed hard, "Yeah. It hurts though."

"I know," he said, giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze.

"Don't you have to get back to Mac?" Annie asked as she winced again in pain.

He looked at his watch. "In just a minute I do. They're almost done here."

Meanwhile, Mac, having been let out of surgery was lying on her bed in a brightly lit room. She opened her eyes, aware of pain in every part of her abdomen. She looked to the right, and to the left. No Harm. She looked straight ahead. No Harm. At this discovery, she moaned his name. "Harm?"

"You looking for your husband, sweetie pie?" asked the nurse, a kindly older lady.

Mac nodded, "He promised me," she moaned. "He said..."

"Ssh, calm down," soothed the nurse. "I'll go make sure he's been told you're out of surgery. Maybe no one went and got him like they should have."

Mac nodded, and closer her heavy eyes. Harm would be here soon. He'd promised.

The nurse returned a few minutes later. "Sweetie pie," she said. "I looked all over this floor, and he's not here. I'll check again soon, maybe he went outside to use the phone or something. Don't you fret, we'll find him."

"But I..." Mac sighed. "I need him here. I...it..."

"It'll be okay, darlin'" said the nurse. "Just rest, we'll find that good-lookin' man of yours."

"Can I..." Mac began. She was so tired and so sore it was hard for her to speak.

"Can you what?" asked the nurse gently.

"The pain," she sighed. "He knows...always knows..."

"Let me go look some more," said the sympathetic nurse. "I'll be right back. How's your pain? Do you need anything?"

Mac nodded, closing her eyes again. "I need Harm."


	43. Chapter 43

A/N: When I began this fic, I warned the readers that I planned to take Harm and Mac to the ninth gate of Hell before it was over. This chapter will begin their descent. I knew going into this that I'd take heat for it, so all I can do is assure the readers that I and my partner have thought out every aspect of this fic, know exactly where it is going and how it will end. Reviewers have made guesses as to the outcome, and they were very good, but that is not where we are going. In fact, I can assure you, and this is the only assurance I can make, if you stick with us on this ride, hold on tight, and hold your breath, you'll be in for the shock of your life.

I ask you all once again, please stick with us on this journey, you may be surprised, you may even get angry, but you will not be disappointed.

Once again thanks to all who have shared their opinions and have either praised or constructively criticized this work, it is appreciated. And once again, big hugs to Snugglebug for working with me and being a wonderful friend.

"How're you holding up?" Harm asked Annie as he sat beside her, the procedure having been completed some short while ago.

"Not sure," she replied.

"Still hurting?" he asked, his concern for Annie, or at least for the baby, growing softer as time went on.

She nodded, "It's not much better, not at all." A lot of times she'd have played on Harm's sensitive side, but this time she was not playing and he knew that, he knew her, at least minimally.

"They said it'd hurt for a few hours afterwards," he reminded her.

"I'm not sure if they meant like this," Annie said softly taking deep breaths.

A concerned look grew upon his face. "Like how?"

"Like a knife...stabbing pain to my back," Annie replied. "Here."

"Yeah, that...I'm gonna go get the nurse," he said. "I'll be back."

He did as he promised and quickly went to get a nurse. They had to tend to Annie's cramping and do another ultrasound. Harm stayed with her, keeping her calm and losing track of the time. Until...two hours after Mac had come out of surgery and 45 minutes after she was due, Dr Bradley appeared.

"Harm, there you are!" Dr. Bradley said. "We've been looking for you and paging you."

As soon as he heard those words, two others came into his mind: oh, shit! "Doctor, I'm sorry, I've been down here with..." he looked down at Annie and left it at that. "Is Sarah out of surgery? She is, isn't she? Is she okay?"

"She's fine, medically," Dr. Bradley replied. "She's asking for you, has been."

"How…Did it work?" Harm asked anxious to know if his wife's condition would be improved by a second procedure. It was hard on all of them for her to be in such pain all the time and he hoped this would be the end of it.

"Given the amount of work I did in there and how much cleaner she is now than at any other time, I'd say she should except of course for some lingering dysmenorrhoea and some dyspareunia due to the scarring, but overall she should be 99 better," the doctor explained.

"And what about having a new baby? Can she…Will we be able to conceive?" Harm asked fidgeting with his ring.

"Conception was never as much of an issue for Sarah as it is for other patients, except for the dyspareunia. My major concern is still the high risk of the pregnancy itself as her uterus, which has been weakened as you know by the disease expands…"He said this as his beeper went off. "Finish here and get upstairs."

"On my way, doctor," said Harm as he grabbed his jacket and turned to tell Annie goodbye. "I'll check with you tomorrow. You okay?"

Annie nodded and reached for his hand, "Thank you so much for being here. It made it easier."

"Welcome," he muttered as he took hold of her hand for a brief moment before departing for Mac's room.

The door to Mac's room opened and her eyes opened, "Harm?"

"No, sweetie pie, it's just me," said the nurse apologetically. "Did the Demerol help much?"

Mac nodded slightly, "Where's Harm? Where's my husband?"

"He's coming," answered the nurse. "Dr. Bradley said he's been down in the ER with a friend who's expecting, but he should be up here any minute."

"Expect...We have no..." Then it clicked. It all clicked. The only pregnant "friend" they had was Annie and she was no friend. Mac simply nodded and drifted to sleep.

Harm arrived at Mac's room almost ten minutes after he'd parted ways with the doctor. He felt horrible for not being there when Mac awakened, like he'd sworn he'd be, but he didn't think it would have been right of him to leave Annie alone and frightened in the ER. When he walked into Mac's room and saw she was asleep, he tossed his jacket over the back of the chair and pulled it alongside the bed. He sat and waited in silence for her to wake up, mulling over the "Annie situation" and all that went with it.

Mac stirred and hour later and opened her eyes slowly, "Harm?"

"Hey there beautiful," he said, leaning in to take a hold of her hand.

She smiled softly, "Where were you?"

"I, uh..." He didn't want to tell her flat-out; he didn't think it'd be smart after all she'd just been through. "I was outside for awhile; lost track of time."

"Yeah," Mac sighed and rolled onto her back. "Walking around huh?"

"Yeah," he said. "Just needed some fresh air. Dr. Bradley told me you'd be under for awhile, so I went outside." That was true, all of it.

"You're doing it again," Mac sighed the strength returning to her voice as she fought the anger and pain.

"What am I doing?" he asked, fear instantly welling up inside.

Tears started to spill out of her eyes as she managed, "You're lying to me."

"I'm, no...I'm..." He didn't know what he should say.

Mac nodded and sniffled, "You are. You are, you are lying to me."

At that moment, he realized that he had to come clean; that she was in no position to get this upset. With a deep breath, he began to speak. "I did go outside, and I did need some fresh air. I...while I was out there, Annie came in in an ambulance, and..."

"And you stayed with her and left me here alone, to wake up, in pain alone," Mac finished for him in tears. "Get out."

"Mac, please," he said, his eyes pleading with her. "I didn't mean to be gone so long, but she was having complications and..."

"And you had to stay with her. She was..." Mac's voice choked. "You lied to me again. You said you wouldn't do that."

"I didn't lie as such," he insisted. "Okay, I guess I did lie in a sense, but I didn't think you needed to get this worked up. This is exactly what I was trying to save you from, baby!"

"You could have told me the truth," Mac sighed. "You had to stay with Annie once she came here because you were worried about the baby. That's okay."

"Speaking of that..." he began. "I, uh...they did an amnio on her today. We'll know in two weeks if...you know..."

"Fine," Mac said firmly. "I'm glad you'll finally be able to have that off your mind."

"Well yeah," he agreed, equally firm. "Unless it's mine."

"You all ready know its yours," Mac sighed.

"And exactly how do I 'know'?" he asked, sensing things were headed downhill fast.

"If you didn't think it was your baby you'd never have stayed with her. You are connected to your children Harm," Mac said moving in bed to relieve the soreness.

"I am," he agreed. "But that's not...I didn't stay because of that. Well, okay, maybe some because of that, but you want to know what made me stay? What went through my mind?"

"It doesn't matter," Mac sighed. "It doesn't even matter you stayed. What matters..."

"I stayed," he continued. "Because I thought about how if that was you who'd fallen down the stairs and was at the hospital all alone, how I'd want someone to stay with you. That is why I stayed."

She shook her head, "That's fine but...Harm, you lied to me. Again and your broke a promise again. Two promises. I...I thought we were going to be honest with each other."

"We were," he said. "But you weren't honest with me about the pain you were always in."

"I was trying to protect you," Mac shot. "You were trying to protect yourself."

"No, no, no..." he said, his voice calm yet firm. "I was thinking about you, Mac. I didn't want you upset over this right now. I was going to tell you tomorrow, when you were feeling better."

"That's what you thought about Mexico! I'll just tell her tomorrow, then you lied and lied to me for months," Mac sighed. "And...Harm, I can't do this. I can't."

"Precisely why I wasn't going to tell you today," he said.

"That I could have handled," Mac sighed. "I can't handle the lies Harm. I can't handle them and I can't forgive them. None of them. God knows I tried."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, trembling inside.

Her face fell and tears began again, "It means I'm done. I can't do this anymore. Not now. I'm tired and I hurt and I really would like for you to go."

"You don't mean that," he said. "You can't mean that, Mac."

"I do mean that," she said softly. "I'd like for you to leave. Get out."

"No, I'm not going to leave" he said, rising from his chair and moving to sit on the edge of her bed. "I won't leave you alone like this. I know you're upset, but I'm not leaving."

She said it again, louder this time. "Get out Harm."

He sat in place and uttered not a sound.

Mac covered her face with her hands, "Please. Please. Please. Please."

She didn't say this to him, she said it to anyone else who'd hear her tiny whisper.

"Mac," he said, his voice cracking as the sight of her in so much pain. "Please. I wanna stay. I'm sorry."

"I don't want you to stay," Mac replied. "I don't...Get out."

"But...I..." He couldn't fight her any longer; he knew she wasn't up for it. "Okay. I'll go, but I'll be back tonight so we can talk."

"No," Mac told him. "No. I need time, please don't come back."

"Mac, we have to talk," he said. "We've come too far to let this ruin everything. Please, let's talk later. You don't feel well right now, but later..."

"Goodbye, Harm," Mac said and turned her face to the wall.

Harm did go back that night, to find that he was not allowed into his wife's room. She'd asked the doctor to please ban all visitors including her husband. She was sick, tired, and depressed. She didn't want to see anyone. For three days, from noon until ten pm Harm would sit outside her room and pray, hope, wish that she'd allow him inside so he could apologize. He'd sent her cards, flowers, wrote her a letter, but still nothing he could say or do would soften her heart.

Mac finally relented on the last day and let Harm take her home from the hospital, yet she kept her distance. He tried to make her let her guard down, to talk to him, they even returned to Commander McCool for help, but nothing seemed to work. The stress wore on both of them, he reverted voluntarily to the "lighthouse room" and she put up walls to protect her heart until finally six weeks after Mac's operation it all came to a head.

Mac walked in a little after nine that night. She knew Harm would be home, and that was confirmed by his SUV in the driveway. She took off her shoes and called, "I'm home."

He was lying on the couch, the only light in the room coming from the streetlamp outside. "You've been gone awhile," he said plainly.

"I had a meeting run late," Mac replied. "Kids in bed?"

"Mm-hmm," he answered as he laid with his hands over his eyes. "They missed you, you know they hate going to bed when you're not home."

"I know," Mac replied. "It's not like I do it all the time. What's wrong with you?"

"Head hurts a bit," he replied. "Been coughing again, probably more bronchitis."

"Chest sore?" Mac asked matter of factly, not lovingly as she unloaded her briefcase.

"Getting there," he sighed. "I'll be okay; I've got my cough syrup."

"Did you take it or just leave it on the counter for DJ to spill?" Mac asked unbuttoning her uniform top.

"I took it," he said, clearly annoyed at her demeanor. "We gonna have another one of those nights, Mac?"

"What kind of night would that be?" Mac asked.

"The kind where we snipe at each other over stupid stuff," he said, removing his hands from his eyes and rolling over to look at her. "And then huff off to bed mad."

Before Mac could answer there was a hard knock on their front door.

"Harm, can you get that? I want to go and kiss the kids quick," Mac said all ready heading for DJ's room.

"Yeah," he sighed, rising slowly from the couch and padding towards the door. He opened it without looking through the peephole, and got an unpleasant surprise as a result.

"Good evening, Mate," Mic greeted. "Sarah left the policy updates in the car." He handed her the folders.

"Why would she have done that?" he asked Mic.

"I drove her back to her car after dinner," Mic replied. "Must have slipped between the seats. She'll need it to prepare for the morning's meeting."

"I didn't realize she had a dinner meeting tonight," said Harm before a cough snuck up on him.

"It wasn't a dinner meeting," Mic replied. "We just decided to grab dinner while we read over these statements."

"Oh," answered Harm, very unhappy at the news. "I'll make sure she gets these. Thanks."

"No, problem," Mic smiled. "Night Mate."

"Who was that?" Mac asked as she came out of Lucy's room.

Harm didn't say anything; he simply held the folders out to her.

"Oh, how did you get those?" Mac asked. She had no idea they weren't in her case.

"Brumby dropped them off," replied Harm, his voice low and sad. "You left them in his car after dinner."

"Oh, I didn't even notice," Mac sighed. "Can you put them on the table? Want some orange juice?"

"No, what I want is some answers," Harm replied.

"Answers to what?" Mac asked.

"To why you neglected to tell me where you were tonight" he said. "I don't care that you went to dinner, but it would've been nice to know that's where you were all this time."

"I just didn't think about it," Mac replied honestly. "I assumed you'd know that I had eaten since I got home this late."

He nodded. "Makes sense, I guess. I just...never mind."

"What?" Mac pressed. "What's that look on your face?"

"I just have to worry why you chose not to tell me you went out to dinner with him," said Harm. "I don't care that you went, but you weren't planning to tell me, were you?"

"I didn't think about it," Mac said. "I suppose not, it wasn't a big deal."

"Okay," he said calmly. "Now you know how I felt about the thing with Annie at the hospital."

"Two different things Harm," Mac said all ready getting her defensive stance.

"Yes, they're different," he said. "But not in the sense that I didn't feel it was anything I had to tell you the second you woke up. You say you don't care that I was with her, and I don't care that you had dinner with him tonight, but I don't see why it's okay for you to do that but I'm not supposed to."

"Because I didn't cheat on you," Mac snapped. "I didn't lie to you!"

"Not this time," he replied. "But you've lied to me in the past, Mac! More than once!"

"I..." she began."I was only trying to protect you those times. I was scared to death about telling you about my illness..."

"Why? I'm supposed to be the one you come to with those things!" he said. "Not the one you run from."

"If I could...Harm, I don't want to do this tonight. I don't want to get into it," Mac sighed and started for her room.

"No, we're gonna talk about this," he said, his tone rising just a hair. "I'm tired of going to sleep mad, I'm tired of it."

"Well, who's fault is it that that has to happen, huh?" Mac asked putting her hands on her hips. "Who's fault is it?"

"Ours!" he replied firmly.

"Ours?" Mac echoed. "Yours! You are the one who cheated, who lied, and who damaged this marriage and this family!" Mac shot. "Or did you forget all about that?"

"How can I forget it?" he asked. "When you throw it in my face at every turn?"

"I do no such thing," Mac argued back. "I tried to forgive you, to make this marriage work, but you're impossible."

"Impossible? I don't think so!" he countered. "I'm just tried of all this senseless bitching!"

"Bitching!" Mac hissed. "I think I'm entitled to a little bitching after what you put me through. You lied to me, not once, but twice, and you've barely shown any remorse."

"How can you say that?" he asked. "After I sat in therapy with you and fessed up to owning everything that's ever been wrong between us, how can you say I'm not remorseful?"

"Guilty oh yes," Mac said. "That's guilt. You want me off your back, you just want the open barn door, come in for a lay! You never were truly sorry, if you were you'd never have done what you did this last time."

"Oh, I was sorry," he said. "And I'm...I...damn it." Without another word, he closed the distance between them and grabbed her by the shoulders. He pulled her close with considerable force, and as he captured her mouth with his own in a violent kiss, he backed her up against the bed.

Mac put her hands up and pushed hard against Harm's chest, "What are you doing? You have no right to touch me, not after what you've done!" she shouted, hands balled into fists.

"I'm not the only one who's done wrong in this marriage, Mac, and somehow we're gonna talk this out," he said firmly, his hands still on her shoulders. "And since words aren't working..." He moved one hand from her shoulder and pulled her uniform top open, sending buttons flying.

"I don't want your hands on me!" Mac snapped. "Stop it!"

"Come on, Mac" he said, his eyes wide and his tone intense. "It's all there is and you know it."

Mac stayed still for a moment, brown eyes locked with hard steel blue ones. Finally she reached for his shirt and started to yank it out of his pants. "Damn you Harm. Damn you to Hell!"

"I'm probably headed there anyway," he said, reaching around to her back and undoing the fastener and zipper in her skirt.

"Damned right you are!" she hissed through clenched teeth. "That is where they send adulterers and liars!" As she said this she raked her nails down his back pulling skin as she did so.

"What about wives who keep secrets from their husbands?" he asked, cringing as he felt her nails digging into his body. He picked her up around the waist and dropped her onto the bed, not nearly hard enough to hurt her, but enough to let her know he was mad.

"Ooh, getting violent are we?" Mac asked. "Going to show me what a big man you are? Is this how you did Annie? Did you do her hard? Did you make her scream? Did you..."

"You know I don't remember anything about that," he said as he towered over her.

"And you know I still don't believe that," Mac replied. "No matter what you say."

"This much is for sure," he snickered as he unbuckled his belt and whipped it from the loops of his jeans in a single motion, tossing it off in the corner and jumping onto the bed and staring directly into her eyes, "We'll both remember tonight."

Mac's hard gaze softened then and once again she put her hands up to block further assault, "We can't. We can't do this. Not again. Not like this."

"Will you talk to me?" he asked, his tone also noticeably softer. "This...this isn't right; it's not healthy to go back to this, but we...we have so much to say, I just don't know if we have the words."

"I have nothing to say," Mac said, tone filled with despair. "Except..."

"What?" he whispered. "Except what?"

Two tears leaked out as she lay there, his superior weigh still upon her body, "That I can't do this. I can't stay with you anymore. I can't."

He couldn't pull his eyes away from her face as the teardrops rolled down her cheeks and landed on her pillow. "You don't mean that" he whispered. "We can work it out."

"We can't. We can't Harm. I tried, I really did, but I can't even...I can't even stand to look at you. I can't be near you without...I can't do it anymore."

Realizing that words were only causing them both more heartache, he climbed on top of her, pinned her shoulders to the mattress and once more held her mouth hostage with his own. "You may not be able to stand to look at me," he said, his breathing hard and heavy. "But I still love looking at you." He released her shoulders and gently her bra straps down. "Always will."

"Liar!" she accused. "Lying son of a bitch!"

"Get rid of this thing!" he spat, pulling her bra as hard as he could. "It's in the way!"

"I thought you wanted to talk?" Mac asked, her tone hardening again. "Or have you changed you mind since you don't like what I have to say."

"I suppose I have," he said as he continued pulling at her bra. "It's...we're gonna get through this, Mac, but not if those are the kind of words we're throwing around."

"Damn it Harm," Mac sighed. "We are not going to get through it. Are you hearing me? Are you even listening at all?"

"I am," he insisted. "Just not that we're not going to make it. I wanna keep working on us; I wanna learn how to keep every fight from ending up between the sheets. Get this damn thing out of the way!"

"I want to stop fighting!" Mac declared as she pushed her bra out of the way to free her breasts.

He placed gentle kisses on each breast before looking back up at her. "I want that, too, but we're a long way away right now." He noted to himself that despite the completely self-destructive pattern they were reverting back to, they were actually...talking through it.

"We aren't...Harm, I really...I really want..." She couldn't form a coherent sentence with his mouth near her chest like that.

He kissed her breasts some more, then went to work on them with his hands, doing everything he knew she enjoyed. "What do you want?" he whispered against her skin, feeling her goosebumps as he did so.

"Ooh," she moaned now as he manipulated her breasts. She wanted to do this, that was for sure now, but she wanted so much more for herself, for her future and that future now did not include Harm. If only she could make him see that.

"Come on, baby," he said softly, his hands busily massaging her breasts. "Tell me. You have to talk to me, you can't keep things inside. Let me in, let me know what's in your heart."

"I'm not sure you want to see what's there," Mac sighed reaching up to rub his back as he worked on her breasts. "It can only hurt you."

"You're keeping it from me because it'll hurt?" he asked, the feel of her hands on his back causing his heart to race. "That's how this all began. You have to get past that. Talk to me, Mac."

"I...No, I don't want to," Mac protested, her body freezing going tense. She knew what she wanted but she couldn't say it, not to his face.

"You know what this means?" he asked, his voice hushed and still.

She shook her head and waited for him to give her the answers, like she'd done so many times.

"This," he answered as he melded his lips powerfully against hers.

Mac let him kiss her, use his tongue to taste and tease her when he finally lifted his lips she managed to whisper the same words that had nearly driven them apart three months ago, "I hate you Harm. I really...Damn you for what you've done to us!"

"Damn the both of us," he countered. "For what we've both done. You shut me out when all I wanted was to help you."

"And you lied when you could have told me the truth," Mac countered. "I can't forgive you for that. I won't."

"You're so angry at me," he said plainly as he slid his hands down to her stomach.

"Not angry," Mac replied, his hands on her stomach always drove her wild, now was no different.

"What then?" he queried as he began a slow, sensual massage.

"Bitter," she replied. "And hurt. So hurt. How could you hurt me like that? You were supposed to be the one who..."

"Who protects you, I know," he said, continuing his massage, running his hands lightly across her stomach, feeling her breathing come and go. "I'll never, ever get over what happened in Mexico. Commander McCool can tell me to 'forgive myself' until the cows come home, but it...it'll never happen. I'm the one who acted stupid then, but you're the one who pushed me away. I'm to blame, but so are you in that sense."

Mac tensed up. She was too blame, she did push him away, but she had her reasons. "I didn't lie. I never lied to you, I never betrayed you, never. You can call my omissions betrayals all you want but that is not what they were. I hid those things, pushed you away because I loved you. You slept with Annie...I still can't justify that."

"Neither can I," he said. "I was wrong, plain and simple, but...I know you meant well, but baby, you hurt me."

"You hurt yourself," she countered. "It's the way you are. It because of the way you are that I didn't tell you."

"I don't understand," he replied, his hands returning to her breasts.

"You are so self righteous, so damned heroic...I knew what it would do to you, I knew letting you in would drive you away and it did! Don't you dare deny it!"

She spit the last line at him with so much venom it burned.

"It did not," he spat. "Because you didn't ever really let me in! You've always held something back, ever since you got sick, and I just can't figure that out!" He slid up a little and ambushed her lips, kissing her passionately, the wrong kind of 'passionately'.

"I did not," Mac gasped when his lips left hers again. "I told you everything you needed to know. I did," she insisted. "And it sent you to Annie's arms. What did you want me to do, lie here in agony and let you screw me anyway?"

It was that line that broke Harm's resolve and Mac's as well, "You know better than that," he hissed as he pushed his hips against her. In spite of her anger and her hatred for him at that moment, Mac lifted her own hips to encourage him. Sensing that, he pushed himself into her in one hard, swift motion.

"Hurt?" he asked as he pulled back.

"Yes," she hissed, yet slammed her hips up to his.

"Figured it did," he said, forcing himself back into her.

"Then why don't you stop?" she asked him as her body urged him to continue his hard, rough attentions.

He was silent, staring into her eyes as he slowed his pushes to almost nothing. "I know it hurts because I rushed it," he said, a hint of guilt in his voice. "But...you're right, how do I ever really know if it's hurting you. God, I wish you'd tell me, baby..."

"And I wish you'd let me alone," Mac replied as she continued to encourage him. "Just let me go Harm. That's what I want."

"Your lips are saying that," he said, his rhythm increasing again. "But your body doesn't want this to ever end. Admit it; it's okay."

"You bastard," she cried as she once again lifted her body and felt his pound into her. She was getting close; beside the anger she felt she was getting so close.

He knew she was getting close and somehow the desire to hurt her crept back up within him. He moved himself within her, faster and harder than ever before, and then he stopped. No steady, gentle deceleration, no spoken word; remaining inside her, he just stopped.

Mac was on the edge, and he seemed to have...froze. He was lying against her body and not moving, not speaking...With the tiniest bit of shock and worry Mac said, "Harm?"

"What?" he asked, all his defenses suddenly up, which was shocking even to him.

"You...I thought..." Mac stopped talking and ground her hips again.

"Thought what? That I didn't want to do this anymore?" he asked.

"No," Mac replied. "Forget it just get on with it."

"'Get on with it', huh?" he asked, propping himself up on his elbows for just a moment. "Why? How close are you? Almost there, I bet."

"You know I am, that's why...Oh!" she shrieked. "You son of a bitch!"

"You know," he said cynically. "If you're really that angry with me, I could just leave you right where you are." As he spoke, he began moving oh-so slightly again.

"Do what you want," she replied. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

"Hmm...no, I can't do that," he said, the look on his face and the hurt in his voice a perfect match. "I won't do that...I love you too much."

That was it for them...she remained silent and he, slowing his pace gave her what she needed. His movements alternating between hard and soft brought her to climax just as he rode the wave of his own. When it was over he rolled off of her and she turned on her side reverting to the "safe position" she'd used so many times before.

"Hey," he whispered, reaching out to touch her shoulder.

She pulled her body away from him, "Go away."

"I'm sorry," he said. "For the mean things I just did to you; it was...I don't know why I...I'm sorry."

"I do," Mac replied. "Because we can't stand each other any more. I'm just as bad to you as you are to me and...I...I just don't see a light anymore."

"It's not that we can't stand each other," he said. "It's...we've done some awful things to one another, both of us. I thought we were making some headway, honestly, but...maybe not."

"Definitely not," Mac replied. "Harm...I think in the morning we should sit down with the kids and..."

"You...you don't think we should...No, Mac," he said. "We can't make that big a decision tonight, not after we once again broke the biggest rule of our therapy. We're too emotional right now, and divorce is such a-"

"I didn't say a divorce," Mac sighed. "I just think we should sit down with them and tell then that you're moving out for a while. I think a little time and space will do all of us a lot of good," Mac replied. "Maybe it'll even help Lucy."

He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. "Do you think that would keep us from continuing down the path we're on?" he asked.

"I don't really know," Mac replied. "All I know is being near you right now...I can't look at you without hating the sight of you. I'm sorry if that hurts..."

"'If' it hurts? Of course it hurts," he said. "How horribly mixed-up are we when one minute we can be screwing each others brains out, and the very next we're talking about separating and how you can't stand looking at me?"

"I tried to tell you that before but...Please, I really think this is for the best," Mac told him trying to be civil.

"If I do move out for awhile," he asked. "Will we stay in therapy like we're supposed to?"

"I suppose we can try it for awhile," Mac said. "I think a break might help, might give us a chance to miss each other, to want to see each other..."

He sighed. "They say 'absence makes the heart grow fonder', maybe we should try it. Things can't really get much worse, I guess."

"They really can't," Mac agreed. "How's your chest feeling?" she asked remembering he'd said it was getting sore.

"Still hurts some," he said. "But I took my medicine so it's not too bad. How're you feeling? Did I hurt you too badly with that selfish no-brainer earlier?"

"No," Mac replied. "It's okay. I'm tired though."

"I know you are. I am, too" he said. "I'll go to the - hey, just a sec..."

"Harm..." She sighed, a bit exasperated with him.

"No, no, listen to me," he said compassionately as he rolled over to look at her. "You said you're not hurting, even after being as rough as I was, you said you're okay. Think about that, Mac."

"That means the operations worked, I know," Mac replied. "I told you I hadn't had any back pain or cramps since then. I'm sore, like a workout but I didn't expect it to be bad."

"Well, I'm glad it wasn't," he said, feeling great relief as he realized, for the first time, that the operations had been successful, just like the doctor had said. "I'm...I'll go now. We'll talk to the kids tomorrow. I hope you sleep well."

"You too," Mac replied, knowing neither of them would sleep.


	44. Chapter 44

A/N: See previous chapter for warning and acknowledgements.

"Rise and shine," Mac said into Harm's room as he lay in bed at 0740. "Its time to get up."

"I'm not getting up," he mumbled, his face resting against his pillow.

"You have to get up," she insisted. "You have work. Let's go. Coffee's made."

"I don't feel like going to work," he said, pulling the covers up a little higher. "I'll get up later and pack, then I'll...I'll get up later."

"Why don't you fee like it?" she asked moving into the room. "Are you feeling sick?"

"If heartaches count as sick," he said. "Yes."

Mac reached his bedside and touched his forehead gently, "You don't have a fever. How's your chest?"

"Same as before," he said. "I'm not sick; I just don't feel like being around the office today."

"Call the General," Mac sighed. "I'll take DJ to Harriet's. Get some rest we have a long night ahead of us."

He reached for the phone on the nightstand, placed a call to his CO, then crawled back beneath the covers, hoping to fall asleep and wake up in far happier times.

Harm didn't crawl out of his bed until after one o'clock. By then his headache had dulled and he could tackle the task of packing his things and begging AJ for use of his guest room which he was given without argument. Once he was done with that, he called Harriet and told her he'd get Lucy at school that day and was waiting for his little girl when she was dismissed.

"Daddy!" exclaimed Lucy, surprised to see him there. "I didn't know you were coming to get me!"

"I didn't either Button, but Daddy had today off and I thought I'd surprise you," Harm smiled. "Want Daddy to carry your bag? Do you have homework?"

She handed her backpack to him. "No, but I have a new book to read to you. It's about the 'Poky Little Puppy'!"

"Well we can read it before dinner," Harm said. "Ready to go?"

Harm put Lucy in her seat and drove her to the park instead of home. It was late February and chilly, but this day had a little bit of spring like weather. He let her walk along with him, holding hands, just enjoying time together, so much so that he lost track of time and got Lucy home 45 min after Mac arrived.

When Harm and Lucy came home, Mac ran straight at them and scooped Lucy up in her arms. "Where have you been? She got out of school over two hours ago!"

"I took her to the park," he said. "Lost track of time."

"You took her to the park?" Mac snapped still cuddling her daughter. "In this weather. You want her sick again?"

"I'm not sick, Mommy," said Lucy. "Daddy pushed me on the swings, and we saw a squirrel!"

"Mommy didn't know where you were, Sweetie," Mac said. "She was very worried."

"You could have called me," said Harm. "I could've kept you from worrying."

"I did call, three times I called," Mac replied. "Who else was with you?"

"Nobody," he said, pulling his cell phone from his pocket and realizing, upon inspection, that the battery had died. "Dead battery, sorry."

"I bet you are," Mac said finally letting Lucy down. "Lucy don't ever do that again okay? You come right home from school, don't go out anywhere like that if Mommy doesn't know."

"She was with me, Mac!" said Harm. "She can go with me whenever she feels like it!"

"Not without my knowledge or my permission," Mac shouted at him. "Lucy go to your room and play, Sweetie."

"Stop yelling at Daddy!" said Lucy, clinging to Harm as she began to cry. "Stop yelling at him!"

"See what you've done?" Harm snapped picking up his baby girl. "Ssh, don't cry baby."

"What...If you though to call me at work and tell me you were getting her I wouldn't have worried," Mac sighed. She moved over to Lucy, "Mommy didn't mean to yell, Honey. I was just worried when I didn't know where you were. Can you forgive me? I'm very sorry."

Lucy looked her mother in the eye. "Tell Daddy you're sorry."

Mac took a deep breath, she knew she'd overreacted. "Harm, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was worried that maybe something happened to her. Please forgive me."

He nodded, still holding his upset daughter close. "I should have called you. I'm sorry."

"Why don't you get ready for dinner?" Mac suggested. "Lucy, Mommy and Daddy have to talk to you after dinner, okay?"

"Okay," sniffled Lucy, sliding down from her fathers arms and padding down the hall.

"How's your head?" Mac asked. "I noticed you packed. Did you decide where to stay?"

"Moving in with AJ," he said sadly. "Just for now. Head still hurts."

"You want to lie down again or play with DJ?" Mac asked. "He gave Harriet a hard time today."

"Where is he?" asked Harm.

"In his room," Mac replied. "He was sitting with his boats."

"He's not really going to understand any of this," sighed Harm.

"We'll just tell him that you have to go away for awhile," Mac sighed. "Its her I'm worried about. What is she wants to go with you?"

"Not an option," sighed Harm, rubbing his weary face with his hands. "This isn't gonna be easy for any of is, you know that, don't you?"

"I do, but it has to be easier than the last six weeks," Mac sighed. "You hungry?"

"No, but I'll eat anyway," he said. "Did you cook?"

"Uh huh," Mac replied. "Ziti with garlic and oil and salad. Go see him, it'll be ready in a half hour."

Harm slipped his shoes off and went down the hall to peek in on his son. "Hey, big guy," he said. "Playing with your boats?"

DJ nodded but there was no joyous smile on the little face.

"You sad?" asked arm, pulling the little boy into his lap.

He nodded and snuggled against his Daddy.

"Yeah, I'm sad, too," said Harm. "It'll be okay, though. It'll all be...okay."

That answer appeased DJ and Lucy later joined her father and brother at play. When dinner was ready the family ate and chatted idly until finally the meal was cleaned up and the children bathed. It was now time to tell them what was happening to their family.

Mac and Harm sat with their children between them. Lucy sat near Harm, DJ near Mac. Mac took the lead, knowing once Lucy lost it, Harm would have to carry that load. "Lucy, DJ, Mommy and Daddy have something very important to tell you."

"Is it bad?" asked the 5-year old beauty.

"It's not too bad," Mac replied. "But it might make you a little sad and a little angry."

Lucy clung to her Daddy's arm. "What is it, Mommy?"

"Well, Honey, you know that Daddy had gone back to sleeping in the lighthouse room right?" Mac asked.

Lucy nodded. "I want him to sleep in the big bed again."

"I know, you do," Mac sighed. "But...Lucy, Daddy and Mommy we are having a hard time getting along right now and we've made a decision."

She began to cry. "Does Daddy have to stay in there forever?"

"Shh," soothed Harm gently rocking his little girl in his arms, his stomach in knots.

"Well, no, Daddy's not going to be staying in there anymore," Mac said. "He's going to..." She paused.

"Go ahead," said Harm to his wife.

"He's going to leave here and go to live at Uncle AJ's house," Mac finally got out and braced herself for Lucy's reaction.

Lucy began to bawl. "I don't want him to!" she cried.

"I know, Sweetie, but Mommy and Daddy think it might be better this way," Mac said, taking DJ who has begun to cry in sympathy with his sister.

"You'll still get to see me," said Harm, his heart breaking. "I just won't be living in this house for a little while, that's all."

"Can I go with you?" Lucy asked through tears.

"No, Button," said the distraught father. "I'll come see you almost every day, I promise."

"When are you going?" Lucy asked. "Why can't I go?"

"I'm going later tonight," he answered. "You have to stay here and help Mommy, and you have to go to school."

"I don't want to help Mommy," Lucy said. "She's making you go."

"Now, don't be that way, Lucy Bear," he gently urged. "Mommy is just very sad about some things Daddy did, and maybe if Daddy isn't here for a little while, she won't hurt so much."

Lucy looked over at her mother, who was crying silently as she rocked DJ. "Are you going to come to my play?" she asked him.

"Of course I am," he said. "You'll still see me a lot, I promise."

"Will you still tuck me in?" Lucy asked. She wanted everything the same.

"No, Baby," Mac replied for him. "Mommy will do that. But how about if Uncle AJ says its all right you can stay with him and Daddy on Friday nights?"

"Uh-huh," sniffled the little girl. "And I'll sleep in Daddy's room."

"Sure, if that's okay with Daddy," Mac sighed. "You want to sit here with Daddy for a little bit before he goes?"

Lucy nodded. Mac took DJ for a bath to give father and daughter a little time alone. He held onto her, rocking her, until she settled down. Then he listened to her read until it was time for him to go.

"Lucy, I have to leave now," he said, knowing she was likely to fall apart again.

Lucy didn't cry yet, she just held on tighter like she used to do when she was a baby and he had to go.

"How about," suggested Harm, "I tuck you in and sing you your sleepy song?"

"Don't go," she begged. "Please." The please dissolved into a wail as the tears started to fall.

"I...I have to, Luce," he said softly. "I'll come see you really soon, I promise."

"Tomorrow?" she asked sniffing.

"Maybe," he said. "But it won't be tomorrow until you go to sleep, okay?"

The tired child nodded and wrapped her arms around her father's neck, "Can you sing to me every night?"

"Not in person," he said as he held her close. "But I can sing your song on a tape, and Mommy can play it for you."

"On the telephone," Lucy submitted as a bargaining chip.

"I think we can do that," he said, placing a kiss atop her head. "I can sing for you tonight, but you've got to go get in bed right now, okay?"

Lucy nodded, "Can you carry me?"

With a sad smile, Harm rose from the couch and carried his daughter off to her room. Once she was settled, he sang to her the first 2 verses of "Sara Smile" and watched as she drifted off to sleep. It was now his time to go, and it was all he could do to get up off the edge of her bed.

He finally managed though and he went to the guest room to gather his things. Mac was in their room, but came out when she heard Harm getting his bags ready.

"Is she asleep?" Mac asked quietly.

"Yeah," he replied sadly.

"Are you okay?" Mac asked.

He looked down, focusing on the laces of his shoes as he willed himself not to cry. Looking up after a moment, he answered her. "No."

Mac closed the space between them and reached up to take him in her arms. She wasn't sure if he'd come though.

He stood where he was for a moment, too many emotions flowing through his head and his heart. Eventually, he failed to blink back all the tears as he stepped into her open arms. "What have we done to ourselves?" he asked, his voice cracking as he spoke.

Mac held onto him a moment the let him go, "This is going to work."

He wiped away a few of his tears. "It has to. If it doesn't...I'll die without you, Mac."

Mac set her jaw against his words and emotions, "Drive safely okay," she said dismissing him. "Call me when you get to AJ's."

With a silent nod, he stepped back, picked up his bags and walked out the door.


	45. Chapter 45

A/N: This chapter begins a new arc in the story that I expect to take about six chapters to complete. I know I'm going to take heat for it from some, but I've done that all ready anyway. Those of you who wanted me to make a move, I made it…keep in mind the end of the story is written, I know exactly where I'm going with this, and as always I wish to take you all with me. You will be shocked but not disappointed.

Shout out to Snugglebug for being the great person she is. Hugs to you Lady!

The weeks went by and slowly turned into months. Mac and Harm continued to see Lieutenant Commander McCool to try to repair the ruins of their marriage and to improve their communication. Still nothing seemed to work, nothing could bridge the terrible chasm between a once close husband and wife. It wasn't enough that Mac could not let go of Harm's infidelity or that Harm could not let go of not only her distrust in him, but his own anger at her deliberate deceit on many occasions throughout their marriage, but the remaining uncertainty of the paternity of Annie's baby still hung over their heads.

Harm discussed this very thing with AJ the day his world slipped away. "Its not enough that we're breaking open all these wounds, but we have to have this over our heads," he ranted over a beer on Friday in early May.

"The amnio…" AJ began.

"The amnio caused even more trouble," Harm sighed. "I told Mac the day in the hospital we'd know, and then the damned test comes back with no real conclusion…just like with Lucy and the Downs' Syndrome thing and now I look like a liar again!"

"Well, if you told her in the first place…"AJ began.

"If I told her about Annie back in August we'd still be here AJ, really," Harm told him. "We've made to many mistakes, we're do."

Just then the doorbell rang. It was nearing 1900 and Harm rose with the cash to pay for their pizza. Only it wasn't the pizza delivery boy at the door. "Harmon Rabb, Jr?" the messenger asked.

"That's me," Harm replied. "Little later for messengers isn't it?

The messenger handed him a large manila envelope, "Big back log today. Sign here." Harm took the pen and signed unaware of what he'd just received. Closing the door he opened the envelope to reveal the contents. Harm read the words on the top of the legal documents and looked up at AJ lost.

"What's wrong?" AJ asked as Harm collapsed onto the couch with a heavy thud.

"She had me served," said a crushed and devastated Harm as he scanned the contents of the paperwork. "She wants a divorce and full custody of the kids."

"Served you?" AJ asked. "I know things were bad but...sole custody? Really?"

"See for yourself," said Harm, handing AJ the papers he'd just read over.

The retired Admiral looked over the paper and saw Mac's stipulations. She wanted everything, the kids, the house, the dog, alimony..."What are you going to do?"

"Find a good divorce lawyer," he said. "And fight like hell to keep my kids."

"It's going to get ugly," AJ told him.

"I know," said Harm sadly. "I never thought...well, I thought if she was going to do this she would've done it last October. I just...I don't know."

"You said therapy was getting worse though," AJ commented. "And you did separate. When is the last time you really saw Mac?"

"Other than seeing her in therapy or in passing when I see the kids...probably 2 months or so."

"Well, want advice from an old man?" AJ asked.

"I'm open to just about any advice anyone wants to give me," replied Harm.

"Go talk to her," AJ suggested. "She might just want to ask you to stay. It's worth a try."

"You really think it's worth it?" asked Harm. "If she wants me to stay, this is a damn funny way of showing it!"

"That's what Marcella wanted," AJ sighed. "I just didn't have the guts. There's only one way to find out. If I'm right you guys can try to work it out. If I'm wrong, you're no worse off."

Harm pondered this for a moment before getting off the couch, grabbing his keys and heading for the door. "You know, AJ, you just might be right."

"Harm!" AJ called as the younger man ran off.

"What?" he called from halfway down the driveway.

"Go easy, don't lose your temper," AJ warned.

"I'll do my best, Sir," replied Harm, military manners popping up from nowhere.

AJ nodded and watched Harm head for his family home.

He arrived just before he would normally call Lucy. He knocked on the door and could hear the child crying inside.

Mac came to the door looking tired and frazzled, but incredibly beautiful in spite of it. "Harm, what are you doing here?"

"We have to talk," he said. "Why's she crying?"

"You're late calling her," Mac replied. "And she got in a fight at school and I punished her."

"I'll go talk to her," he said, walking past his wife and into the living room.

"Daddy!" Lucy exclaimed, happy to have a surprise visit from her father. "I missed you."

"Oh, I missed you too, Button," he said as he scooped her up into his arms.

"Tell Daddy what happened at school," Mac said firmly her hands on her hips.

Lucy looked at her father and waited.

"Lucy?" said Harm. "Did you get in trouble?"

She nodded, "I did a bad thing," she confessed. "But he asked for it."

"Lucille," said Harm, his tone one of warning. "What did you do and why?"

"I knocked Billy Feldman down on his butt," Lucy told him. "But he asked for it."

"What did he do to you?" asked Harm. "Did he hit you?"

Lucy shook her head, "He pulled out my hair ribbon. And some hair too."

"I'm sorry he did that," said Harm. "But you shouldn't have pushed him. You should have told the teacher."

"I got to look out for myself," Lucy told him. "I have to be a big girl."

"That doesn't mean you can break the rules, though," he said.

"Am I in bad trouble with you?" Lucy asked. "Mommy said no cartoons for two weekends."

"I think that sounds like a good punishment," he replied, looking over at Mac. "Now let's go get you to bed so Mommy and I can talk."

It didn't take long for Harm to settle Lucy. Mac made coffee while he was busy doing that so they had something to do while they talked. She spoke first when he joined her in the room, "We have nothing to talk about Harm, but I made coffee if you'd like to drink it."

"I'm not thirsty," he said. "And we most sure as hell do have something to talk about."

"Harm, watch you tone," Mac warned. "What would you like to talk about? You all had the kids twice this week."

"Quit playing stupid, Mac," he said sternly. "You know why I'm here; now tell me why you're doing this?"

"It's not something I wanted to do," she said. "But...Its time."

"Says you, maybe!" he spat. "But not me! I was under the impression that we were working on fixing things, so imagine my surprise when I'm served with divorce papers today!"

"Were you around the last two months? We tried to fix things, and they've only gotten worse," Mac sighed. "We're even battling in therapy. We're not going to make it, and I'm tired of trying. Its time to stop this agony!"

"Well, you could have talked to me about it, we could have decided together, but you went ahead and did it yourself!" he said. "I expected this 7 months ago, not now, not like this."

"What would you have me do, go to you and ask, 'Harm, can I please have a divorce?' like I'm Lucy's age?" Mac asked. "I'm an independent woman, I can make my own decisions."

"Oh, and you made one, all right" said Harm. "I just don't get it, how you could do it now, like this, after 6 months in therapy and trying to make it work!"

"Because we can't make it work," Mac replied. "Therapy can't fix us Harm, we're too broken. And frankly I can't take two hours a week with you anymore, I just can't. Let's just sign the papers and get it over with."

He laughed. "You honestly think I'm just going to sign those things, agreeing to all your crazy stipulations? You know me far better than that, Mac!"

"What stipulations do you have a problem with?" Mac asked.

"All of them!" he hissed. "You're not getting full custody! I won't let it happen!"

"I didn't...There's a visitation clause in there Harm," Mac sighed.

"I saw it," he said. "And it's not good enough. You're not cutting me out of my kids' lives just because you and I made a disaster of our marriage."

"You bet I am," Mac replied. "If I don't raise them who will? I'm their mother, I should have them."

"I'm their father!" he spat, pointing to himself in emphasis. "We're going for joint custody, end of discussion!"

"We are not going to flip those kids back and forth like footballs," Mac countered. "You'll take them on Wednesday and every other weekend, take it or leave it!"

"You can take it and shove it!" he said. "If you want to play dirty, we'll play dirty, but you won't win."

"Won't I? No judge is going to give children to an adulterous lying bastard," Mac shouted, her voice rising with her temper.

"Just like they won't give them to a mother who spends half her life in bed, so sick she can't move!" He was angry, and he let AJ's advice fly right out the window.

"I'm not like that anymore," Mac hissed. "How dare you..." She stopped halfway when his phone rang.

He pulled it from his belt, looked at the display screen, and got a very cold look on his face as he answered. "Rabb. Yeah...you want me to?...Okay, I'll get there when I can...When I can, I don't know exactly!...I'm not holding your hand...no, no, we've been over this, don't push your luck, Annie!...Just get there, I'll be there later...Bye."

"What is it this time?" Mac asked. "Can't find her feet?"

"If you must know," he said. "She's in labor and she wants me there."

"Go," Mac said. "We are finished here." She said this as she took off to her bedroom.

"Oh no, we're not!" he said as he followed on her heels. "How could you do this to me? How could you plot and scheme to take my kids away?"

She spun around stared him down, "I'm not plotting, I'm divorcing you. This is how it's done. I get the house and the kids, that is non negotiable."

"Like hell!" he yelled.

"Do you really want to take this to court? Do you really want to do that to yourself, to our kids?" Mac asked. "Do you?"

"I'm not the one doing anything, you are!" he said. "Why on earth would I agree to settle with you when you're being such a self-centered bitch?"

"Oh that is rich!" she spat. "I'm being a bitch! I'm being self centered. May I remind you whose selfish tendencies got us to this point? Look in the mirror if you want to point a finger!"

"It all began with you, Mac!" he yelled. "Yeah, I blew it, but only after you curled up inside yourself and kept me in the dark!"

"I told you I wanted to protect you, but maybe I wanted to protect myself, I admit it," Mac sighed. "Its because of you I hid it. You...you never let me breathe. You never let me be my own person, from the moment I married you, it had to be your way. Well I wanted to be sick my way!"

"And you were," he said. "You let me in eventually, but not till it was too late. I never should have done what I did, but damn it, we...we never talked about anything! We didn't! When talking got too heavy, we'd just settle down for a nice little screw and then it'd be over! We...we did this to ourselves, both of us!"

"Who started that?" Mac asked. "In Russia you were so broken up about your father and I wanted to help but instead of talking, you started this. It's your fault!" Mac shouted as she pulled off the ring he'd given her for their anniversary. "All yours."

"I don't recall you saying 'no' in Russia!" he countered.

"Would you have said no to your best friend when he just found out his father was dead and was crying like a six year old?" Mac asked. "Uh, yeah, you probably would."

"I wouldn't and you know it," he said. "If the shoe had been on the other foot, if it'd been you sitting there in pieces and wanting to be with me like that, I would've done it just like you did. I gave you the chance to say no, even threw in the whole birth control 'out' if you needed it, and you didn't, so don't blame me!"

"I will blame you," Mac snapped. "If you hadn't been so obsessed with chasing a corpse we'd never have gone to Russia, never have had sex, never have married and never have had to deal with this mess!"

"Yeah, and we also wouldn't have those two little kids in there," he said as he pointed towards their rooms. "You can't say you wish they'd never been born, I know better!"

"I wish they weren't born with you! They are the only thing that makes these last six years worth it," Mac replied. "The rest of it be damned!"

"You know what?" he asked. "I thought we had some good times, but I guess I was wrong!"

"I thought you loved me, I guess I was too," Mac snapped back. "Get out of here Harm. We have nothing more to discuss."

He looked at her and shook his head in disgust. "This isn't over," he said in a deep, heated tone.

"It most certainly is," Mac replied. "Anything further you have to say to me you can say to Mic!"

"Why the hell would...oh, don't even tell me he's your lawyer!" yelled Harm.

"You're a sharp one," Mac said sarcastically. "Who's your lawyer? Bud I'm assuming."

"I don't know yet," he spat. "But whoever I get will mop the floor with Brumby!"

"No lawyer can clean up the mess you made," Mac hissed. "The best shrink at Bethesda couldn't."

"I didn't make this mess alone!" he shot back.

"No, Annie made it with you!" Mac replied.

"Just...just don't even go there, Mac," he said. "You know what I think your problem is? You can't handle how close I am to my daughter!"

"What!" Mac sighed. "Harm, that doesn't make any sense."

"Sure it does," he said. "She loves me so much that you can't handle it."

"Of course she loves you, she's five, she can't see what a bastard you are!" Mac shouted. "But she will, trust me."

"Gonna try to turn her against me, huh?" he asked, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

"Won't have to try to hard," Mac replied. "She all ready thinks you don't love her as much as you used to...and once you have the new baby, you can forget all about her and DJ!"

"The new baby won't take the place of either Lucy or DJ," he said. "Assuming it even ends up being mine, I've told you that over and over, bit you refuse to listen!"

"It is yours, that's why you never told me the amnio results! I waited to see if you would tell me and you didn't so I guess I have my answer!" Mac hissed.

"The amnio was inconclusive! That's why I'm so against them!" he growled. "That's why she called tonight, she needs me there so they can do a blood test, and you mark my words, that baby isn't mine! You just watch, you'll see!"

"I won't hold my breath," Mac shot back. "Everything you say I take with a grain of salt so..."

"Yeah, salt you rub in my wounds every chance you get!" he yelled.

"Your wou..." Mac began to yell but were interrupted by the sound of their daughter's and their son's cries.

"Way to go!" hissed Harm.

Mac sighed, "I have to deal with this. Get out of my house."

"OUR house!" he yelled. "My name's still on the mortgage, and it's gonna stay there!"

"Like Hell," Mac hissed. "When I'm finished with you you'll be living in box on the side of the road. You're going to get nothing! Just like what you left me with, nothing!"

"Just shut up!" he said as he headed for Lucy's room. He found her sitting up in her bed, crying her little eyes out.

Mac headed for DJ's room and lifted her son into her arms. She carried him crying into Lucy's room.

"Daddy?" Lucy whimpered. "It's loud. I'm scared."

"I know, baby," he soothed as he wrapped his arms around her. "I'm sorry."

"Its okay, Lucy," Mac soothed as she came into her daughter's room. "Mommy's here. I've got this Harm."

"I've got her, Mac," he said quietly so as not to alarm the kids any further.

"Harm," Mac said with bite. "I said I have it."

"Stop being mean," cried Lucy. "I get scared when you yell, Mommy!"

"Lucy, Mommy's not being mean," Mac soothed. "Mommy's just upset with Daddy right now. Would you like to come here and give me a hug?"

Lucy looked at her father, and then slid out of his arms to walk over and give her mother a tentative hug.

Mac kissed Lucy's soft hair, "Its okay, Sweetie. You're okay babies," Mac whispered as she rocked both her children. "Mommy's here."

"DJ," said Harm. "Come see Daddy."

DJ stretched out his little arms and went into his father's arm. "Don't do that," Mac said in a hushed, brutal tone.

"Enough, Mac," warned Harm, telling her in very clear terms that she was not going to keep his kids away from him.

Mac was silent for the time being until both children's tears had stopped. DJ fell back to sleep, but Lucy fought it. She continued to hide in her mother's arm, her entire body shaking even if she's stopped her tears.

"Get her settled," said Harm, more calmly than he'd said anything all night. "I'll be outside."

"Daddy?" Lucy whispered from inside Mac's arms. "Stay here."

It broke his heart to hear that. "I can't, baby doll. I'm going to go outside."

His response started Lucy in on a fresh bout of tears and Mac once again began rocking her.

As his daughter cried, Harm went out onto the back porch to try and clear his head. This was fast becoming a nightmare; one he'd give almost anything if someone would wake him up from. He was lost in thought when his cell phone rang again.

"What do you want?" he asked the caller as he leaned against the deck railing.

"I want to know where you are?" Annie gasped. "This is really starting to hurt."

"Its labor," said Harm. "It's supposed to hurt."

"I know...but...Harm, please come and help me!" Annie pleaded. "Last time I had Luke, I'm alone and...I'm scared."

"I don't doubt you are," he said. "But we've been over this and I'm not going to be in there holding your hand and being involved in this birth! If we knew for sure it was mine, that'd be different, but we don't, so you'll just have to find a compassionate nurse to hold your hand."

"Will you at least see it when it's born?" Annie asked.

"Maybe," he replied. "How fast can they do the blood test?"

"Not blood from..." she paused and started to breath deeply.

His mind drifted back in time as he listened to her breathe, back to a much happier time in his life as he stood beside Mac and watched her bring their children into the world. For a moment...life seemed good again. If only...

Annie took a cleansing breath, "They don't take blood from the baby. Skin sample," Annie replied.

"Won't that hurt it?" he asked, feeling surprisingly protective of the baby just then.

"Nope," Annie said. "It's a cheek swab. The blood would hurt it."

"But they need my blood?" he asked. "Why?"

"They can swab you too, but they have to do it at the hospital," Annie replied. "Prevents tampering."

"Harm!" Mac called from inside the house.

"I gotta run," he said. "I'll be there when I can. Don't call me again."

Harm went back into the house after hanging up with Annie to find that Mac had finally gotten Lucy to bed and was now back in their room. "Close the door."

He did as she asked, then stood by the wall and stared at her.

"Now I think we've talked enough for one day," Mac said. "She's was so upset she made herself sick. We have to think about what's best for Lucy and for DJ and being in the middle of this mess is not it."

"No, it's sure not," he agreed. "And we should've known better than to fight this close to them. We're both lawyers, Mac, we know better than most folks how terrible it is for kids to be caught in the middle of things. Just because you and I can't be civil doesn't mean the kids need to know it."

"That's right, so that's why I think it would be best for you to keep your distance until we've duked everything out. I don't want you to come around here until then," Mac said firmly.

"As long as you let me see them when I'm supposed to," he said. "I'll stay away."

"No," Mac said. "No contact with the kids until then."

He shook his head. "No deal. I'm gonna see my kids, or this is gonna get even uglier."

"Wednesday night, three hours," Mac offered.

He opened his mouth to argue, but something inside told him to keep quiet. "Fine. I'll come get them at 1730 and bring them back at 2030."

"Done," Mac replied. "And you better bring them back like you got them."

"I'll feed them, play with them, and bring them back," he said. "Not much more I can do with three hours."

"Be thankful you got that, but don't get used to it," Mac sighed.

"Whatever," he sighed. "Are we done?"

"We've been done," Mac sighed. "Will I be hearing from a lawyer or are you representing yourself?"

"When I decide," he said plainly. "You'll know."

He left then, leaving Mac sitting at her vanity table staring at her wedding rings. For his part, Harm got into his car, drove to the hospital and waited.

He sat in his car for over an hour when another ring of the phone startled him back to reality.

"I thought I said-"

"Harm," this time Annie was sobbing, crying so hard there was no way she could be faking it. "Harm, please...I can't."

"I said no," he replied firmly.

"I'm sorry," she cried. "I didn't want to...to both...er...you but...Oh!" She cried out and began to try to breath. He could hear that it was all over the place, way too fast and sometimes way to long.

"Can't they give you something for the pain?" he asked, again thinking back to when Lucy and DJ were born and the agony Mac was in.

"They did," Annie sobbed. "It...please, I can't do it alone. I can't."

Harm sighed. "What exactly do you want from me, Annie?"

"Just..." she began but couldn't finish as she was hit with another contraction. "Oh God! Oh!"

"Tell them to give you something else," he said, determined not to cave.

"They...Harm, please," Annie begged. "You just...just have to sit...please."

"I can sit right where I'm at," he said. "Or I can sit in the waiting room, but I fail to see why you keep calling me if all you really want is for me to sit someplace."

"I...sit here and...just talk...please," she tried. "Please."

Before Harm had a chance to answer, he heard, "Sir?" through the phone.

"Yes?" replied Harm. "Who is this?"

"I'm Becky, and OB nurse," she replied. "Are you a friend of Annie's?"

"I'm...uh...yeah," he replied. "What's going on?"

"She's very distressed. Her age, the position of the baby, and that stress is making the delivery difficult," Becky explained. "She's inches away...if you could just help calm her down."

He rubbed a hand over his face. "I'll be right there," he sighed. "Where is she?"

"Labor and Delivery, 203. Thank you so much," the nurse replied.

"Yeah," muttered Harm as he ended the call and stepped out of the car, taking a deep breath as he hurried towards the hospital entrance.

Against his better judgment Harm made his way to that floor. He could hear Annie's screams down the hallway and quickened his pace just a little bit. Just as he reached the door, he heard it, the unmistakable sound of a newborn baby's cry.

He peeked around the doorway and saw the nurses busily rubbing at the baby as it lay against Annie's chest. He almost turned and walked away when she looked over and saw him.

"Harm," she said just loud enough to be heard. "Come see."

Harm stepped into the room and stood just behind the nurse, "It's a girl," the nurse smiled.

"That's nice," he said with a little smile.

"Okay, Annie," the nurse said. "We have to take her now and wash her up. We'll bring her right back."

Harm watched as Annie allowed the nurse to take the baby from her. He felt like he should say something, but he didn't know what.

"I'm going to call her Elizabeth," Annie told him. "Do you like it?"

"Mm-hmm," he replied, suddenly finding it very hard to keep the emotions straight in his head.

"I'm going to go to sleep," Annie sighed and promptly did.

Harm turned back towards the door and began to walk away when he heard the nurse call to him.

"Sir!" she called. "Would you like to see her? Annie said...she said you...that you may be her Daddy."

He stopped and thought for just a moment before nodding and beginning the short walk back to Annie's room.

"Did you give your sample?" the nurse asked as she lifted the tiny baby out of her basinet and moved to hand her to Harm.

"No, not yet," he said as he took the baby into his arms.

"When you're done here you can go to the lab and they'll take care of it," the nurse said. "She's tiny, a little over six pounds."

He looked at the little bundle as she lay sleeping in his arms. He was fighting with all in him not to get too attached, but he found it almost impossible. She looked a little like Lucy had the day of her birth, and that both scared and excited him. Maybe this baby was his after all...

Harm held the tiny baby a while longer until she fussed to be fed. He didn't have it in him to see Annie again so he gave her over to the nurse and headed to give his DNA sample. It took only a few minutes then he was free to go back home, or to where home was just then, AJ's.

It was nearing midnight when Harm got back to AJ's. His friend was still awake, sitting on the sofa waiting for him. When Harm came through the door, looking like death he moved quickly to him and helped him sit. "What happened?"

"Everything," answered Harm, his voice low and dejected, almost distant.

"I mean what happened with Mac?" AJ asked. "Do you want something to drink?"

"Beer," answered Harm as he flopped down on the sofa and let out a long sigh. "It didn't go well at all."

"Did you lose your temper?" AJ asked as he went to get Harm the cold beer he wanted.

"Yeah, but I wasn't the only one," he replied.

"Harm, I...I don't know what to say," AJ sighed. "Are you going to contest her terms?"

"You bet I am," he said. "It's going to be bad, AJ. Guess who her attorney is?"

"Can't be better than the one I dug up for you," AJ said. "I don't want to get involved in this, I don't want to be called to testify, it would be like choosing between my son and my daughter but I know the pain of divorce and of losing your kids so I called in a favor. Who is her lawyer?"

Harm looked up at his friend with an expression begging the idea "please don't make me say it."

"Oh, no," AJ sighed. "Brumby?"

"The one and only," sighed Harm. "I'm...I have no idea what's gonna happen."

"Well I do," AJ sighed. "You are going to stop lying there like a bump on a pickle and decide once and for all if you want to fight or run away. If you want to fight," he handed him the card. "She'll do it for you. If you want to run away...kiss those kids goodbye."

Harm took the card in his hand and looked it over before returning his eyes to AJ. "I've never walked away from a fight," he said. "And I've never had a fight this big."

"She's young," AJ nodded to the card. "But she's tough. Her father is a friend of mine. Call her...She'll cost you a fortune, but call her."

"First thing in the morning" said Harm. "Right now, I just wanna go to bed."

"Hey, Harm?" AJ asked as the younger man rose from the sofa.

"Hmm?"

"Why were you gone so long?" he asked. "Did it take you and Mac this long to do this?"

"No," sighed Harm. "Annie had her baby."

"Did you go? Were you there?" AJ asked, not wanting to pose the more pertinent question.

"I was there afterwards," he said. "Got to see the baby."

"And, what is it? Do you think...?" he let the query die, Harm would know what he meant.

"It's a girl," said Harm. "I still...I don't know. She looks some like Lucy did, but then all newborns kind of look alike, so we'll have to wait for the tests to come back."

AJ nodded, "Well its late, we better get some rest. Try and sleep tonight okay?"

"Not gonna happen," he said. "But thanks."

Harm headed to the guest room he'd been sleeping in and stretched out on the bed. He took his left hand and held it over his head. He removed the golden band from his finger and read the inscription there, "Harm, I'll always love you. Mac." He smirked a moment the tossed the ring to the floor, "Yeah right," he muttered, before turning over and trying, in vain to go to sleep.


	46. Chapter 46

**A/N: Since I posted my last chapter, I had a personal even that I'd like to share with my readers and pretty much every other living being on the planet. My boyfriend, my dear Mark, proposed. We'll be getting married in 346 days and I'm so excited. I just wanted to share my good fortune with everyone here. Also, I'm not sure when my next update might be because I'm having laparoscopic surgery tomorrow morning. It may be by the end of the week, but maybe not until next week, just so everyone knows. Then I'll be on to two updates per week, hopefully. **

**Thanks again for all those who have reviewed and stuck with me. Many of you have made guesses, but no cigar! Sorry. Just stick with me, I hope to finish this by the early part of next year.**

**Special thanks to Snugglebug in many ways this time. Not only for being my inspiration and a wonderful consultant and partner on this fic, but for being my dearest friend and now my Matron of Honor. Big hugs to you Lady! Thank you for everything.**

The following Monday Harm sat in the small law office waiting room or one Ms. Maureen McAuliffe, Esq. He'd yet to see the attorney AJ had raved about but the office seemed to mimic that of a legal aid building instead of a high priced successful family attorney. Still all his inquiries into the girl had proved positive so there Harm sat waiting to be called.

Finally he heard a female voice, "Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr."

Harm looked up to see a short, well built woman in her late twenties. She had what would be long red hair had she not secured it in a twist at the back of her head. She was pretty, very pretty by any standards and smiled softly when she saw him approaching.

"Commander Rabb?"

"Yes," he answered, offering her a handshake.

"I'm Maureen McAuliffe, please come in," she said taking the large hand she was offered. Her inner office was much nicer than her outer one. There was a large oak desk, three comfortable looking chairs, and cases and cases of law books neatly arranged by topic and alphabet. Her desk was covered with photographs of cats, dogs, and children. "Have a seat," she invited.

He took a seat across from her desk. "Did you have a chance to read over my case?" he asked.

"I certainly did, it was very thorough. What you weren't clear on though is what you want to get out of this," Maureen said. "Are you attempting sole custody or do you just want a more open visitation arrangement?"

"I'm going all out," replied Harm. "Sole custody."

"This is going to be rough," Maureen sighed. "Judges usually side with the mother in custody cases so we're going to have to...we are going to have to prove that you are the best person to take care of the children, Lucille and David, is that right?"

He nodded. "That's correct, and I don't think we'll have too much trouble with that. My soon-to-be-ex-wife has some medical issues that have caused nothing but trouble for the kids."

"It says she has endometriosis, Commander, that is not exactly a crippling condition, at least not in its purest form," Maureen replied.

"You have no idea how crippling it can be," said Harm. "She nearly bled to death from it twice, one of those times being at Thanksgiving in front of Lucy. She used to spend more time in bed than anything else, she was always sick... I really think this will play in our favor."

"You say was," Maureen sighed. "Is the condition still an issue?"

"I think it is," he said confidently. "She had surgery for it a few months ago, but I'm convinced she's covering up the pain she's still in."

"Okay, I'm going to have to subpoena doctor's records and reports so I'll need her doctor's name. Also...you said there was an incident related to the condition that occurred in front of your daughter? Tell me about that," she removed a tape recorder from her desk. "On the record."

"I'd gone to the airport, with my son, to pick up my parents for Thanksgiving," began Harm. "While I was gone, Sarah had an episode of very severe bleeding, she almost passed out. My daughter had to call 911 and had to see all this!" He was getting very worked up.

"Did you know this could happen?" Maureen asked.

"I...well I guess I knew it could but she hadn't given me any warning," said Harm. "I never would've left my daughter home with her if I'd known."

"Okay," Maureen nodded. "What effects did Lucy suffer as a result? This is very important Commander. Be as detailed as you can be."

"She was terrified," said Harm. "She was crying hysterically when I got there, the rescue crew was working on Sarah, blood everywhere, it was horrible. Since that afternoon, Lucy has become very clingy to her mother and I, even more so than before. She's asked if we're going to die, she's...she's so afraid that this illness is going to steal her mother away. She acts out now, gets in fights at school and such, we had to send her to therapy. Basically her mother's condition has traumatized her completely, and I for one want that to stop and stop now."

"That's good," Maureen replied. "This is all very good. Do you think it will be beneficial to have Lucy testify?"

"As a lawyer," he began, "I know it would be. As a father, I'm not so sure."

"Lucy is five years old?" Maureen asked.

"That's right," answered Harm.

"Then the answer to that is no. We will not make a motion to have her testify, all I will do is subpoena her counseling transcripts. If they try to put her on the stand we will move to block her testimony. If the judge does allow it, I will not question her," Maureen said. "You are a loving and concerned father now, not a vindictive ex husband."

"I'm hoping not to become the latter," he said. "But it depends on what Sarah does."

"When it comes to custody you can't become the latter," Maureen said. "You have to be like the mother...Did you ever read the Judgment of Solomon?"

He nodded. "Make the judge feel for you by being willing to give up the children if you feel it'll hurt them less."

"Right," Maureen smiled. "The attitude in there is forget about what I want, do what's best for my babies. I only have a few more questions..."

"Sure," he replied.

"Your file mentions the possibility of having fathered an illegitimate child. Would you wish to pursue custody of that child?"

"I'm still waiting for the DNA test results to come in" he answered. "If she's proven to be mine, then yes, but until we know, definitely not."

"Okay...now I have a few orders for you," Maureen said. "We'll meet once every two weeks to go over strategy and the next time I see you I want you looking healthy, well rested...this..." she indicated his present haggard appearance. "Will not get you custody of those kids. Get some sleep, eat, I know its hard but try to do it for them. Okay?"

"I'll do anything I can for them," he said. "I've got to win this fight."

"You do your best and I'll do mine," she replied and rose from her desk. "Take care, Commander."

With that, Harm was on his way back to AJ's, feeling confident that he could do what he had to in order to get custody of his little ones.

Wednesday eventually rolled around and Harm went to his family home to extract his children. He was so excited to see them as they were to see him.

Lucy opened the door with great enthusiasm. "Daddy! I missed you!"

"I missed you too, Button!" he replied, hoisting the child into his arms.

DJ toddled over the Harm and lifted his little arms up, "Daddy!" He exclaimed happily. "Hi!"

"Hey little man," said Harm as he picked his son up and held him close to Lucy. "Where's Mommy?"

"I'm here," Mac said coming out of the bedroom. She was dressed in Marine sweats, and looked tired. "How are you?"

"Okay," he said. "You look tired. You doing all right?"

Mac nodded, "Yeah, um…can you put them down. I need to talk to you for a minute. I won't count it in your time, but please?" she asked.

With a nod, he placed his children's' feet on the floor and followed Mac.

"First I wanted to say I'm sorry about how I treated you the last time we spoke," Mac said. "I was very mean to you and I'm sorry for that."

"You should be," he said softly.

Mac nodded, "More so though I wanted...Lucy, she's..."

"Is she sick again?" he asked. "She looks fine."

"No, not sick," Mac sighed. "Though she did have a nosebleed this week, pretty bad one. She's...despondent, withdrawn, she's having trouble sleeping. Maybe you can get something out of her, I tried, Mic tried..."

"You can't tell me you have no idea what's wrong with her," he said.

"I don't," Mac replied. "She's just upset a lot of the time...I know the divorce has to be bothering her but...Please, at least talk to her. Maybe she'll be more open with you."

"I'll see what I can do," he said. "Anything else I need to know about?"

"Nope," Mac replied. "Have you retained an attorney yet?"

"I have," he stated.

"Who is it?" Mac asked. "Someone from JAG naturally."

"It's a woman," said Harm. "And it's all in the file. He'll be hearing from her soon."

Mac nodded, "Well you better get going. Have a good time. I'll see you around 2130."

"I thought I was bringing them back at 2030," he said.

"Yeah, but...I think they need more time," Mac replied. "Just try to be on time okay?"

"'Kay," he said as he headed back to the living room, amazed that Mac was being so nice about things.

For a special treat Harm took DJ and Lucy to Chuck E Cheese, DJ's favorite place. Lucy loved it too because of all the games she could play. They ate their meals then Harm let Lucy and DJ run in the playground while he watched from the sidelines smiling. That is until he saw his son fall face forward, after being pushed by a boy twice his size.

He hurried to pick up the crying tot, holding him close as hr attempted to soothe him. "It's okay son," he said. "I've got you, you're okay."

When Harm moved the little boy though he cried even harder, a cry of pain, not of fear. Lucy rushed over to her father and her brother, "What happened Daddy?"

"DJ got shoved and fell down," he said, being very careful not to move him too much as he held onto him. "Do you have a booboo, DJ?"

Through his sobs the little boy managed to nod his head as Lucy asked, "Did he get hurt?"

"I think maybe he did," replied Harm. "We better get him home. Go get your drink so we can go."

Lucy ran to go get her drink then came back to Harm, "Does he haft go to the doctor?"

"Maybe," said Harm, carefully holding his son next to him.

When Harm moved the boy to his side he let out another strong wail and recoiled left arm going to hold his right one.

"Okay, buddy," he soothed. "Let's get you to the doctor." He was dreading the fallout with Mac, but he knew he had no choice.

Lucy sat and patted DJ's forehead the entire way to the hospital, a motion that finally got the boy to calm down. Finally they arrived and Harm was told he had to sit with his son and wait until called.

Mac heated herself a frozen pizza after Harm left with the kids and was halfway through it when Mic knocked at the door. She smiled and admitted her friend. "How are you Sarah? Where are the little ones?"

"With their dad," she said.

"How are you?" Mic asked. "Can I join you for a bit?"

"Sure, come sit awhile," she said as she closed the door behind him. "I'm okay, really tired, but I'm not feeling too bad."

"Now tell me the truth," Mic sighed. "This can be a sore point in our case."

"I'm telling you the truth," she said softly, avoiding eye contact.

Mic reached out and made her looked at him, "I dare say not. You seem better, but you are not the Sarah I knew."

"I'm in the beginning of a divorce from the only man I ever loved," she said, raising her voice and tearing up a touch. "I'm allowed to feel kind of bad about that, Mic!"

"Do you miss him?" Mic asked softly, running his hand down her shoulder.

She nodded. "Every day. I'm not sure it'll ever stop."

"He's not worth missing, Sarah," Mic sighed. "If he couldn't see what a treasure he had, he's not worth missing."

"You don't understand," she said. "What Harm and I had together was...it was magical; like we met in the middle of a nightmare and came out on the other side. Somehow though, we made a u-turn and now we're..."

"It's okay to mourn him, Sarah," Mic said softly. "It's okay to cry."

At those kind words from her friend, Mac dropped onto the couch and buried her face in her hands.

Mic reached out and put his arm around her shoulders, bringing her close to him, "Its okay, Sarah. Do you...Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes," she cried. "No, no I don't want to, but there's nothing else to do. How...what will I do once he's gone, Mic? How will I...?" Her sobs once more overtook her.

"How will you what?" he asked. "What? All he did was hurt you Sarah. That's all he did."

She shook her head. "No, he did so much more than that. He took care of me when I was sick, he...he supported me when I said I wanted a..." She choked on her words and sobbed even more.

"What?" Mic asked softly. "What did you want?"

She worked hard to get to a point where she could speak again. "Another baby," she cried. "I wanted it so badly, but he didn't because of me, then he changed his mind and we tried a couple times, but it didn't happen and now..."

"Ssh," Mic crooned. "Sarah, you can still have a baby. You can...there are other alternatives."

"Not for me there aren't," she cried. "I've accepted that, but it doesn't make this any easier."

"I know, but...I'm here, Sarah. I'm always here," Mic meant that in more than one way.

She nodded. "You've been a good friend and a big help," she said, her tears softening a bit.

Mic was about to say something else when the phone rang. "Do you need a minute? I could get it," Mic offered.

She nodded. "See who it is, what's the screen say?"

"It just says pay phone," Mic replied.

"Answer it," she said, suddenly worried about her children for some strange reason.

"Rabb Residence," Mic said into the phone.

"Mic?" asked the caller.

"Harm?" Mic echoed. "What are you doing on a pay phone?"

"Cell phone died," he answered. "I need to talk to Mac."

"She's a bit indisposed at the moment," Mic said, as Mac tried to pull herself together.

"I'm okay, Mic," said Mac. "Give me the phone."

"Hello, Harm," Mac said in the receiver. "What's wrong?"

"DJ got shoved at the pizza place and hurt his arm," said Harm. "I've got him at the ER."

"His arm?" Mac asked. "Is he okay? Is he crying?"

"I think he's okay," replied Harm. "He's favoring his left arm, but I don't think it's broken. He wants you; think you can make it?"

"Certainly, I'll leave now," Mac said quickly. "Which hospital are you at?"

"St. Luke's," he answered. "In the waiting room."

Mac hung up and rushed to get her bag. She quickly told Mic what was going on then headed for the hospital.

Mac arrived at the hospital just as DJ was coming out of X-ray. She rushed to her son and held him close, kissing his cheeks and forehead. "Are you okay? Is he okay?" she asked Harm.

"Nothing broken," he replied. "Just a sprain. They'll wrap it and give him some pain killers and he'll be fine."

"That's good," Mac sighed as she cuddled the fussy boy. "Where's Lucy?"

"Sleeping over there," he answered, nodding towards a stretcher in the hallway.

"How was she?" Mac asked.

"Good," he replied. "She ate her dinner and ran around there like she hadn't a care in the world. I didn't get anything out of her as far as what's wrong."

"No headaches or anything?" Mac asked. "She was just fine?"

"Sure seemed to be," he said.

"Good," Mac smiled. "Harm..."

"Yeah?"

"Its not your fault," she said reading his weary eyes. "He's a little boy; he's bound to break a bone or two before he grows up."

"I know," sighed Harm. "I wasn't sure how you'd, you know, how you'd take it."

"He fell down, it happens," Mac said. "Are you all right?" She asked him, noticing his cheeks were pale, his eyes dark.

He shrugged. "I'm not sleeping much."

"Me neither," Mac whispered. "But your health is okay? How's the cough?"

"Comes and goesm," he said. "I've gotten used to it."

"You should see a doctor," Mac replied. "It's never held on this long."

"Just from all the stress," he said. "I'll be better once..."

"Once?" Mac asked, shifting DJ's weight.

"Once it's over."

Mac nodded and nodded to the doctor, "Why don't you go talk to Lucy. I'll get his script and maybe...you still have two hours left...maybe you can drive behind me and do their bedtime?"

"Yeah," he said, "I'd like that."

"Go see you daughter," Mac nodded towards Lucy's sleeping form. "She's waking up anyway."

Harm walked towards Lucy where she was waking from her nap. He followed her gaze as her big blue eyes settled on a boy of about seven years old with dark circles beneath his eyes, and no hair on his head.

Harm went over to Lucy while Mac talked with the doctor. Lucy was happy to see her father, and even happier when he told her that he'd be tucking her in that night.

"Daddy?" she asked as he sat with her on her makeshift bed.

"Hmm?"

"Why does that boy look like Uncle AJ?" Lucy asked. "Is he sick?"

Harm looked over to the young boy in the corner. "Oh, you mean he looks like Uncle AJ because he has no hair, huh?"

Lucy nodded, "It looks funny."

"Well, sometimes," began Harm. "People get sick and the medicines they have to take to get better make their hair fall out."

"I didn't ever get sick like that," Lucy said. "The medicines I take just make me better."

"That's right," he said. "But some people have to take different medicines that do different things. Are you ready to go see if Mommy and DJ are all set?"

Lucy nodded her head and lifted her arms. She'd missed Harm and wanted to be carried to her mother to stay in his arms.

Mac took DJ with her in her car, but Harm kept Lucy. He asked her about why she seemed sad to Mommy and was told only because she missed him. Then she clammed up and lay her head against the window.

The family went inside and Harm did his "Daddy duty" and put both children to bed. Lucy needed at least three verses of her song, and once asleep still clung to her father's hand. Harm finally extricated himself and joined Mac in the living room.

"Why was Brumby here answering the phone?" asked Harm as he took a seat beside Mac.

"He was visiting," Mac replied. "We were talking and he was closer."

"I get the feeling he's trying to be both your friend and your lawyer," said Harm. "That's not a good combination, Mac."

Mac nodded, "I know. But I think I need him more as a friend than a lawyer. Since you retained civilian counsel..."

"What does my choice of counsel have to do with it?" he asked.

"We can keep this out of JAG," Mac replied. "Keep it in civilian court. That is if you still plan to contest."

"Which I do," he stated plainly. "Unless you plan to change your terms."

"I was considering every weekend and no weeknights," Mac sighed.

"What about a week at a time?" he suggested. "Every other week, and we trade off holidays?"

"I can't go that long without them," Mac said. "And I want Christmas and Easter days."

"And I don't?" he said. "Look, Mac, there has to be some way to settle this between the two of us. I...the last thing I want is to drag this through the legal system. We each know the law; we should be able to settle this out-of-court."

"Harm, you're...I really don't want to do this right now," Mac sighed.

He nodded. "Can we get together and talk? Someplace neutral, just you and me?"

"I don't know," Mac sighed. "I just...Harm I...don't want this to get ugly...but...why can't you just accept my terms?"

"Because they're not fair," he said. "I don't want this to get ugly, either, but it's headed there unless we work some things out. I...I hate the things we said the other night, both of us. I never apologized for my part, but I'm really sorry, and I really do wanna work the terms out with you. I'm through trying to convince you to save the marriage, I know we're beyond that, but for the sake of the kids, let's try and make this as painless as we can."

"I need my kids," Mac said simply. "And let's face it Harm, they need me."

"I can say the same thing," he said. "Listen, let's call it quits for tonight, and I'll check back with you tomorrow to see how the little guy is and we'll figure out a time to get together and talk."

Mac nodded and Harm rose from the sofa. He was about to the door when Lucy appeared in the living room, tears falling, rubbing her eyes.

Mac looked at him and mouthed, "Every night."

"What's wrong, baby girl?" he asked, walking towards his crying child.

"You're going," Lucy whimpered. "I want you to stay here."

He sighed. "I have to go sleep in my bed at Uncle AJ's," said Harm, picking Lucy up. "But I'll come see you soon, I promise."

Mac stepped over to the father and daughter pair, "Lucy come to Mommy, Sweetie. Daddy has to go."

Lucy reached out for her mother, crying as she did so.

Mac held Lucy and took her to the couch, sitting with her on her lap. She began to softly hum as she rocked, then caught Harm's eye, "Go," she mouthed.

With a heartbroken nod, He hurried quietly out the door, waiting until he was outside to let a couple of his own tears fall.


	47. Chapter 47

A/N: I'm sorry this update took so long. I had a bit of a rough patch after my surgery last week, but I'm back now. I hope. Once again this is part of a chapter arc and I will try to update faster than I did this week. However, I am now drowning in wedding plans and realizing how many arguments a couple can get into when it comes to wedding planning. For example, the guest list, the food, the readings, the colors, the music…aaaaaahhhhhh! Still, I wouldn't trade him for anything, not ever a meeting with DJE! Sigh!

Once again, special thanks to Snugglebug for all that she does in every aspect of life, from fic, to wedding, to kicking my six for acting like an idiot. I love you, Lady! Big hugs. And to all those who wished me well on my surgery and my engagement, thank you all. Big hugs!

A week later Harm sat in a Starbucks near the former Rabb family home and waited for his soon to be ex wife to arrive. She was ten minutes late and he was all ready feeling the familiar feeling of worry rise in his gut. They were to try to decide on a settlement that favored them both. Maybe she wasn't going to come. Maybe something happened. Maybe he was worrying for nothing because Mac's voice broke into his frazzled thoughts, "Hi, sorry I'm so late."

"Oh, hi," he said, trying to keep his relief hidden from her. "Get caught in traffic?"

"No, I had to take Lucy to the doctor. The nurse sent her home again," Mac replied.

He sighed. "I wish we knew why she catches every little thing now. What did the doctor say?"

"He said tonsillitis," Mac replied. "Gave us some antibiotics and ordered her to rest," Mac sighed. "Of course she cried the entire time we were in there."

"She always does anymore," he said, fidgeting with the top of his cup. "You want some coffee? I'm buying."

"Yes, thank you," Mac replied. "Mocha latte?"

"'Kay," he said, rising from his chair. "I'll be right back."

A few moments later Harm returned with her coffee. Mac thanked him and took a sip, "Ah, that's nice. So…I guess we need to talk, huh?

He nodded. "I really think we can do this, Mac."

"We have a very hard time deciding if the children should eat mayonnaise on their sandwiches," Mac sighed. "But I'm willing to try to hash it out. Did you bring the papers?"

"Yeah, right here," he said, pulling them from his back pocket an sliding them across the table to her.

"Okay, why don't we start out easy," Mac sighed. "We both keep our own registered cars. They were purchased jointly, but are mainly of equal value. Does that work for you?"

"Yeah, that's fine," he said, taking a drink of his coffee.

"Colleen?" Mac asked hoping she could keep the animal he'd gifted her with so many years ago.

"You hang onto her," he said. "She's settled there and the kids love her and all. You keep her."

"Thank you," Mac nodded. "The house...I think whoever gets primary physical custody of the kids should get the house. Or we could sell it, divide the profits and both get new places."

He shook his head. "No, I don't want to sell it; the kids need something stable, and I don't want to move them unless we have to. You can have the house, I'll get a two-bedroom apartment, and we'll make it work."

"What about the mortgage payments?" Mac asked. "I don't intend to pay all of that on my own."

"We can look into refinancing," he offered.

"Even so, there will still be payments to make. We can try to reduce them but...I say we pay them 50/50 until such time as I, being the resident of the house, remarry," Mac said in a business like tone.

He felt like someone had kicked him in the gut, but he found a way to dig deep and keep the conversation going. "So you're suggesting I pay half the mortgage for a house I'm not living in, plus full rent on an apartment? Sorry, Mac, try again."

"That's customary, Harm," Mac replied. "At least I'm dropping the alimony, but you are paying child support."

"I have no problem paying child support," he said. "And I guess we'll go with the house thing for now, but if it doesn't work out, we'll revisit the idea of selling it."

Mac nodded, "60/40."

"Fair enough," he agreed.

"The child support is 1/3," Mac stated. "That's standard."

"Okay." He wasn't going to fight her too much when it came to providing for his kids.

"Well that seemed easy enough, didn't it?" Mac asked sipping her coffee.

"Almost too easy for us," he said, picking up his cup and taking a long drink. "So, uh...How've you been?"

"Good," Mac replied. "I'm doing well. How about you? You don't look as tired as last week."

"Went to the doctor and got some sleeping pills," he said. "Just a few weeks worth to get me over the hump."

"I've been there," Mac replied.

He looked puzzled. "When?"

"A few times," Mac replied. "After your last crash, when I got sick, after Paraguay..."

"I never knew that" he said, feeling the familiar pain of being kept in the dark once more. "Did they help you, the pills?"

"Yeah, they helped me relax enough to fall asleep," Mac replied. "Did you have your flight physical yet?"

"Last week," he said. "Passed."

"So nothing is...there's nothing wrong?" she asked. She was concerned that the stress might not be good for him. He was over forty.

"Blood pressure was a tiny bit elevated," he admitted. "But not high enough to cause terrible concern."

Mac nodded, "Keep an eye on that," she advised as her cell phone rang.

"Colonel Rabb," she said into the receiver. "Oh hi." A pause. "No, we usually put it in her juice...that won't help anybody, Mic, just hide the Tylenol in the juice," Mac instructed. "Well it worked," she sighed. "I'll be there soon. Bye."

"Obviously Mic is staying with the kids" said Harm, keeping his tone remarkably civil.

"Yeah, he's not the best caregiver when they are sick, but it's the rare man who is," Mac sighed.

"Um, any chance I can see Lucy today?" he asked.

"Why?" Mac asked.

"Because she's sick," he said. "And I'd like to check on her, that's all."

"I'm just afraid if...Okay," Mac agreed. "Not too long though."

"No, just a few minutes," he said. "I don't want to upset her."

"We have to decided about the kids," Mac sighed. "I admit my original terms weren't the best."

"No, they weren't," he agreed. "Do you have any offers for me?"

"Every third week for the entire week," Mac offered.

He thought for a few moments. "Yeah, we can give it a go I suppose."

"Really, that easily?" Mac asked shocked he'd given in.

He sighed. "It's not ideal, but nothing we work out will be. I can't have what I want, but...How about every third week for the entire week, and three hours every other Saturday afternoon?"

"I don't want to disrupt their weekends," Mac sighed.

"Mac, can you really call a few hours with me 'disrupting' their weekends?" he asked civilly.

"What about Wednesday?" Mac offered. "Every second and fourth Wednesday, no overnight?"

"Wednesdays for the three hour thing?' he asked.

"Four," Mac replied.

He nodded. "Okay, we'll go with that - every second and fourth Wednesday for four hours, and every third week for the whole week."

"You don't look happy," she sighed.

"I'm not happy, Mac," he said plainly. "We just sat down and divided up our lives over coffee - where's the happiness in that?"

"You did better than you would have in court," Mac replied. "That's something to be happy about."

"True," he sighed. "For what it's worth, thanks for working with me on the custody thing."

"You're welcome," Mac replied. "Harm...I...I have a new lawyer."

"Oh?" he asked, surprised. "Why'd you cut Brumby loose?"

"Because I need him more in another capacity," Mac replied. "I'll have Mr. Johnston contact Ms. McAuliffe with our new terms."

"All right," said Harm, void of all desire to delve any further into that topic. "How's our little boy doing?"

"Okay," Mac replied. "His arm is getting better every day. He misses you though."

"I miss him, too," said Harm.

"You can come back with me and see him and Lucy now if you want to," Mac replied. "Mic said her temperature was really high...She might like to have Daddy for a while."

"I'd like to see them," he said, his eyes shining for the first time all afternoon. "Where'd you park, I'll walk you to your car."

"Just outside," Mac replied. "Thank you."

The pair left the coffeehouse and half hour later pulled into the driveway. Mic's car was all ready in the garage.

Mac pulled her car in the drive first followed by Harm's SUV. She stepped out and waited for him to come to her side. She wanted to see Lucy and DJ smile when they laid eyes on their Daddy.

"I won't stay very long," said Harm as he slipped his keys into his pocket.

"Lucy's sick, she's going to want you, you know that," Mac replied. "Stay as long as you need to."

He nodded. "Shall we?"

Mac slipped the key into the lock and opened the door. "I'm home!" she called out into the house. In answer she received the sound of Lucy's hysterics, "You lie!" she sobbed. "You're a liar!"

Harm looked at Mac for a split second before running into the living room to find out what had his daughter so upset. "Lucy?" he said when he saw her standing in the corner, red-faced and sobbing. "Baby, what happened?"

The poor little girl was so hysterical by now that breathing let alone speaking was a chore. She was sick to begin with, was running a fever and now...Mac came over to them, "Lucy? Baby?"

The child turned and clung to her father, unable to speak for another minute or two. Once her voice returned, all she said was "Uncle Mic is wrong!"

Mac turned to look at Mic who had the good grace to look sheepish instead of indignant. "What is he wrong about, Honey?" Mac asked stroking Lucy's hair as Harm held her.

"Uncle Mic said…" she cried."He said you…you aren't coming home anymore. He's lying!" she sobbed. Then looked up at Harm with huge baby blues, "Isn't he?"

Harm didn't answer. He just glared at Mic. "You wanna take her to her room?" Harm asked Mac, knowing what was about to happen and not wishing for his soon-to-be-ex wife or his daughter to be anywhere close.

Mac nodded and reached out for the still sobbing child, "Let's go to your room and see Pooh Bear. Then Daddy will come and read you a story, okay?"

Lucy went to Mac's arms and she hastily carried her from the room. She could feel the anger, the heat radiating in their living room and she didn't want Lucy anywhere near it.

No sooner were Mac and Lucy out of sight when Harm stormed over to where Mic was sitting, in the lounger that Harm once called his own. "Get up!" he said, leaving no room for debate. "Now!"

"Why?" Mic asked. "You're the guest here now. Not me."

Harm wasn't messing around. He reached down and yanked the Australian up by the collar of his shirt and held his grip tight as he spoke. "What the hell were you thinking telling Lucy that I'm not coming back?" he asked eyes dark with fury. "You trying to make her even sicker than she already is?

"I thought she all ready knew," Mic defended. "She was whining and crying about you, disobeying me..."

"How could she have already known?" asked Harm. "She wouldn't have talked about me coming back if we'd told her I wasn't!"

"Will you let go of my collar?" Mic asked in a firm tone, putting his hands up to remove Harm's if he did not comply.

Harm released the collar, shoving Mic back a bit in the process. "You're taking advantage of the divorce, Brumby, and don't think I don't know it. Don't think for a second that I don't know that you're trying to pull my kids away from me, and don't think for a second that I'm gonna stand for it!"

"Who says its the kids that I want?" Mic asked in a low voice.

Harm just glared. "You'll never have her, Brumby," he growled. "She's too good for you."

"Is she?" Mic sneered. "She was married to you for seven years."

"Precisely why she'll never fall for you," shot Harm.

"So why didn't you tell Lucy about the divorce?" Mic asked. "Or did you?"

"No, we didn't," he said. "And if it's any of your business why, we were waiting to tell them until it became final. Thanks for shooting that plan all to hell."

"Well...you have to discipline that girl," Mic sighed. "She's spoiled rotten..."

"No, she's not," said Harm firmly. "She's a 5-year-old who's been through far more than she should have in the past year."

"She has no respect for her elders. She doesn't listen to a word I say..." Mic sighed. "How was I supposed to know that you and Sarah didn't tell her and it was a childish delusion that she thought you were coming home?"

"You should never have said anything like what you said to her!" spat Harm. "Telling a child that her father isn't coming back - what kind of jackass are you, anyway?"

"She needed an attitude adjustment," Mic insisted. "Little witch bit me."

Acting solely on instinct, Harm reared back and clobbered Mic squarely on the cheek. "Don't ever call my daughter that again! Do you hear me?"

Mic reached back to return the punch, but Mac appeared in Lucy's bedroom doorway before he could, "Harm...Can you come in here, please?"

Once more glaring at Mic, Harm walked towards the bedroom.

"Ignore him," Mac advised. "Lucy isn't adjusting well to his being around so much. We have to tell her."

"Ignore him? Mac, he called our daughter a 'witch'!" said Harm.

"She has been difficult since you've moved out," Mac tried to excuse.

"With him around all the time," he said. "It's no wonder!"

"He's not around all the time," Mac sighed. "Can we please talk to her so she'll settle down. She got sick a few minutes ago, all that crying and her fever is higher now...Let's just talk to her," Mac sighed and reached out to tug on his hand.

With a reluctant sigh, he nodded and followed Mac into Lucy's room.

Lucy was lying on her bed with her beloved Pooh Bear. She was still crying, the sobs interspersed with pitiful sounding coughs. "Daddy, Uncle Mic is lying isn't he?" Lucy asked, big blue eyes wide.

It killed him to have to tell her the truth. "No, baby," he whispered, kneeling down to move her hair off her sweaty forehead. "He's not lying. Daddy isn't going to come back to live here anymore."

Two big tears slipped out of her eyes as her bottom lip poked out in a full fledged Rabb pout, "Why?" she squeaked.

He took a deep breath. "Because Mommy and I need to be away from each other and stop making each other sad."

"But...I want you here," she whispered. "Now I'm sad."

He pulled the child into his arms. "I'm sad, too, baby. Mommy and Daddy tired to make things better so that we could all still live together, but we couldn't do it." He knew most of the blame for that lie with him.

Mac came and sat down next to them, stroking Lucy's hair, "None of this is your fault, Baby. And none of this means that Mommy and Daddy don't love you and DJ very, very much."

"I want Daddy to live here," cried the child. "Like it was before..."

"I know," Mac soothed. "But it just can't be that way, darling. If it were, Mommy and Daddy would be angry and sad all the time. You wouldn't like that would you?"

Lucy shook her head as she continued to cry. She looked up at Harm. "But I'll miss you too much."

"You'll still get to see Daddy," Mac comforted as Harm rocked. "You get to go and eat with him every Wednesday night and one whole week every single month you get to go and sleep over at Daddy's new house. Won't that be fun?" Mac was aware she'd added an extra Wednesday to the agreement, but for now it was necessary.

"Can we eat at Chuck E. Cheese?" sniffled Lucy.

Mac smiled, "I'm sure sometimes Daddy will let you, won't you Harm?" Mac asked. He hadn't been answering Lucy's queries...and she knew why. He was crying too hard to speak for himself.

Between Harm's strong hugs and Mac's soothing words Lucy finally settled down and went to sleep. Mic had the good sense to not be in sight when Harm left a half hour later after securing permission from Mac to visit Lucy the next day to see how she was faring.

Over the next weeks the custody arrangements were presented to the lawyers and a court date was set to finalize the proceedings. In one short month, Harmon and Sarah Rabb would end their marriage once and for all.


	48. Chapter 48

A/N: Thanks to all who have reviewed and to Snugglebug for everything she's done for the fic and in real life. Hugs, Lady. :D 

I hope to update again by the weekend. Enjoy!

The weeks preceding the finalization of divorce were relatively peaceful, Harm and Mac alternated custody of the children, Harm came to see Lucy nearly every day, for she was sick fifteen of the twenty eight days since they reached the agreement. That period of peace ended on Wednesday night however when Harm went to Manassas to pick up his children.

Harm couldn't wait to see his little ones when he arrived at their home on the appointed Wednesday night. He'd been TAD the previous one and had missed that visit. Smiling and armed with presents he knocked on the door and waited for Mac to come to let him in. When she opened the door, he could not miss the black circles under her eyes or the white washed look of her skin.

"Mac?" he said. "You look sick; you feeling okay?"

"Yes, I'm just tired," Mac replied. "DJ's all ready."

"What about Lucy?' he asked, setting the armload of gifts on the sofa.

"You can't have Lucy tonight Harm," Mac replied.

"Mac..." he said in a warning tone.

"What?" Mac snapped, her exhaustion wearing on her patience.

"We have an agreement," he said. "Don't cause problems, please."

Mac placed her hands on her hips. "Damn it, Harm. I'm not causing problems. She had surgery today; she's not leaving the house!"

His eyes grew wide as dinner plates. "Surgery? Surgery! For what?"

"She had her tonsils out, you knew that," Mac sighed.

"No, I didn't!" he exclaimed. "You never told me! Why not, Mac? Why not?"

"I didn't tell you because...I told Mic...Mic told you, Harm! If you forgot well..." Mac shook her head.

"Mic told me nothing!" spat Harm. "He and I don't even speak when we can avoid it, why was I supposed to find out anything from him?"

"I asked him to tell you," Mac replied. "He told me he did and that you insisted on having DJ."

"He's lying," said a very angry Harm. "Because he never told me jack shit about anything!"

"I find that very hard to believe, Harm," replied Mac. "Why would he lie?"

"For the same reason he told Lucy that I wasn't going to live here anymore," said Harm, hands waving for emphasis. "He's a self-centered bastard!"

"When he told her that he was telling the truth. We were lying, some of us," she glared at him. "Are better at that than others."

"Oh, here we go again," he said, rolling his eyes. "Can you just let it go? I screwed up everything, okay, it's not news anymore!"

"Well apparently it is when you of all people insist on accusing perfectly decent men of lying," Mac shot back. "Admit it; Lucy doesn't matter as much to you now that you have your new little daughter to love."

"You're wrong, Mac," he said, pointing his finger at her. "The chances that I'm that baby's father are less then one hundredth of one percent. I got the results last week; Annie's baby is not mine just like I swore all along, but no one believed me!"

"Then why didn't you come to the hospital?" Mac asked. "She cried two hours for you and you never came! What was so damned important?"

"I didn't know she was there!" he yelled.

"And I have a bridge to sell you," Mac replied dropping down on the sofa head in her hands.

"Mac, why on earth would I not have been there if I'd known?" he asked emphatically. "It's your job to make sure I know about things like this, and you didn't do it!"

"I told Mic to tell you. I had to go to the hospital with our petrified little girl at 0600 this morning," Mac hissed.

"I'm not sure I believe you, Mac," he said. "I'm thinking you didn't ask Mic to tell me anything, just so I wouldn't show up and you could use this to get custody!"

"You son of a bitch!" she hissed. "I told him to tell you and he told me he did! Now do you want to see your son or don't you want anything to do with him either?"

Harm shook his head, his face red with anger. "I can't believe you, Sarah; this is low even for you. Mark my words, after this stunt, I will get custody."

"We all ready have a suitable arrangement," Mac replied as DJ toddled out of his room, eyes running with tears at the raised voices.

"Not anymore we don't," he said, going to pick up DJ and try to comfort him. "How could you keep this from me? How could you let Lucy think I chose not to be there?"

"I didn't tell her anything," Mac replied. "She came to that conclusion all by herself. You might think us both ignorant but we are not. And what do you...you honestly think after this you'll have a chance in Hell for custody! You'll be lucky you ever see them again once this gets out to a judge, this along with every other stupid, selfish thing you've done. If you go there, Harmon, I swear that I will crucify you. I'll destroy you," Mac bit out. "Not only won't you see them ever, ever again, you won't have a pot to piss in. I will bury you!"

He shifted DJ into his other arm, grabbed his cover from the couch and headed for the front door. "Don't get your shovel out just yet," he hissed setting the boy down and placing his hands on his hips. "I want to see my daughter."

Mac let him go to Lucy's room. It wasn't Lucy's fault, any of it. When Harm opened the door, he saw the tiny girl sleeping in her bed, her Pooh tucked under her arm.

He entered the room quietly and knelt beside her bed.

Lucy stirred when she sensed her father's presence. She opened her eyes and looked at him. In a tiny raspy voice she said, "Hi Daddy."

"Hi, Button," he said with a smile. "How do you feel?"

"My throat hurts," she rasped. "I'm really sleepy."

"Go back to sleep," he said softly. "I just wanted to tell you I love you."

Lucy smiled her Rabb smile, "I love you Daddy."

With that her little eyes closed and she fell back to sleep. Harm turned down the hallway and reclaimed his son.

"We don't have to get messy, Harm," Mac tried as he was preparing to leave.

"So threatening to keep my kids away from me forever," he said. "And to 'bury' me is your idea of playing clean?"

"You were the one who brought up custody Harm, not me," Mac replied in a low voice as not to upset DJ. "I'm just warning you about what's going to happen if you insist on terminating the present arrangement."

"Don't play mind games with me, Mackenzie," he said, reverting back to the most informal days of their relationship. "You're not going to scam me out of my kids; you're just not. You're setting me up here, trying to make me look bad, and it's just not going to work. Mark my words, you won't win."

Mac advanced on him, closing the space. "Oh trust me," she said in a deadly low voice. "I most certainly will. I'm their mother; they need to be with me. Not with a father that could care less what happened to them. You didn't even care about Lucy when she was born...You barely made it in time. Sure you did a fine job of pretending..."

"Just shut up," he said, shaking his head at her nonsense. "You know I love my kids, you're just grasping at straws and it's not going to do you any good."

"Well see about that in court won't we?" Mac asked, stance unwavering, hands on her hips. She reached for DJ, "Give me my son."

Harm turned to where the boy was as far away from Mac as possible. "Forget it, this is my time with him!"

"Fine, enjoy it, it's the last time you'll see him until he's eighteen," Mac hissed. "If you are one second late with him, I'm calling the police."

"Whatever," he said, disgusted that he'd lost almost 45 minutes arguing with Mac. He walked towards his vehicle, doing all he could to calm down and enjoy the miniscule amount of time he had with his little boy.

Mac sat on the sofa crying a long time after Harm left. It was nearly an hour since he left and she still sat there and sobbed. She was surprised when she heard a knock on her door. Harm couldn't be back all ready? Could he? Maybe he wanted...All thoughts were suspended when Mac opened the door to Mic. "Hey," she sniffled and let him inside.

"What's wrong?" asked Mic gently. "Why're you so upset?"

"It's Harm," she whispered and sat down. "He...He's..."

Mic sat beside her and took her hand. "Go ahead, love. It's all right; tell me."

"Mic, did you tell Harm...did you tell him about Lucy?" Mac asked, brown eyes wide and running with tears.

"I sure did," he said, outright lying to her. "He didn't seem too concerned; just amazed me."

"He came here today and he said that...that you never told him," Mac sighed. "He was so angry I thought maybe you forgot."

Mic hadn't forgotten; he'd simply chosen not to do as Mac had asked him to, purposely creating a terrible rift in an already beaten and torn marriage. "Would I forget something like that?" he asked rhetorically. "I think not, love."

"He...he was so angry. He...he says he's going for custody now. He accused me of purposely not telling him. Maybe...Are you...forget it," Mac sighed. "Please just...I'm not good company right now."

"Nonsense," he said, placing a hand on her shoulder. "You're just tense, but I can help with that." He began to gently rub her shoulder, waiting for her to look up.

"I'm scared Mic," she whimpered looking into his eyes. "What if he wins?"

"He won't, Sarah," said Mic. "He just...won't." He ceased his massage on her shoulder. "Turn around here for me, turn your back this way."

Mac shook her head, "No...No, he always used to…could you just please..."

He took hold of her shoulders and turned her body to face him. "Then tell me what to do, Sarah" he asked in a hush. "Tell me what...what you need. Please?"

"Could you...please hold me?" she asked and reached her arms up for him. She needed someone strong to lean on, she leaned on Harm so long, she no longer knew how to stand on her own.

"Come here," he whispered, opening his arms for her. She nestled into them and he pulled her in close, holding and comforting her in silence for several minutes before leaning down and softly kissing her temple.

"I hate him so much sometimes," she sniffled. "But part of me...a part of me misses him so much."

"Understandable, sweetheart," said Mic. "You were together for a long time, but that doesn't mean you can't let him go."

"I...I don't know what's happened to him. How could he...How could he just not care about her? It doesn't make sense, she's his life."

"He's fickle," said Mic. "Remember when you were his life?"

Mac sniffled and nodded her head. Just then they were interrupted by a little raspy voice, "Mommy?"

"What's wrong, baby?' she asked, rising to go to her.

"Is Daddy here?" she asked. Lucy remembered seeing her Daddy and wanted him again.

"No, baby, he's not," Mac replied.

"Was he here?" Lucy squeaked her weak battered voice all ready faltering.

"He was here before, to pick up DJ," said Mac. "He'll be back soon."

"Can he come sing me my song?" she rasped out, pressing on her throat to get her voice to work.

"Of course he can, baby," said Mac. "Come with Mommy, you need to get back in bed."

"My throat hurts," she squeaked out to Mac.

"Would you like a popsicle?" asked Mac.

Lucy nodded and cuddled next to Mac's leg.

Mac retrieved a popsicle for Lucy and could tell that the little one was not going to go back to bed on her own. She didn't feel well and wanted her Mommy and her Daddy to comfort her, but Daddy was busy with DJ. Mic took Lucy in his lap and helped her eat her Popsicle without dripping it. Mac kept them coming to soother her baby's throat all the while sitting close to Lucy and to Mic, taking comfort from him while they both gave comfort to Lucy. Before anyone knew it, it was time for Harm to return. He was one minute early.

He opened the front door quietly using the spare key they kept hidden in the rock garden. DJ was asleep, and he didn't want to wake him if possible. The scene that met his eyes when he got the door open was one he'd see in his nightmares for a long time to come. Lucy was sitting on Mic's lap, her head on his shoulder. Mac was sitting almost on Mic's lap, with her legs entwined in his. If the sight alone wasn't enough to break Harm's heart in two, the sound that went with it no doubt was. Mic was singing to Mac and Lucy...he was singing Lucy's "sleepy song", the one Harm had sang to her since before she was born. In that instant, he realized he'd been all but replaced, and the divorce wasn't even final yet.

Mac sensed Harm's presence first, "Right on time," she replied disentangling herself from Mic and moving to take DJ. "Thanks for getting him to sleep."

"Fell asleep in the car," said Harm, trying to keep his emotions in check as he passed the boy to his mother.

"Just the same," Mac replied and took DJ. "Is she asleep Mic?" Mac asked.

"Awful close if she ain't," he replied softly, glancing at Harm for a split second.

"Can you take her back to her bed?" Mac asked. "I have him."

"I'll take her," said Harm.

"That's all right, Harm," Mac replied. "We have it under control. You can go now."

Without the strength in him to fight anymore that night, he just nodded and showed himself to the door.


	49. Chapter 49

A/N: This chapter begins Harm and Mac's custody battle. I promised a happy ending, I also promised the ride of you life. Buckle in and enjoy!

Hugs to Snugglebug for being the wonderful friend, person, matron of honor, and everything else she is in my life. You are the best, and even when I'm not acting like it, I appreciate everything you do from fictions, to life, all of it. Snugglebug

That night Harm spent crying over his lost family, but the next day he decided he wasn't going to lose his daughter and his son without a fight. He called Maureen and told her what he wanted her to do. She informed him she'd all ready heard from Mac's new attorney, Jacob Johnston and was prepared to go all out to get him sole custody.

The first step in that was mediation, to try to get the parties to settle out of court. Harm and Mac in spite of the mediation sessions recommended by both of their attorneys could not reach an agreement that suited both of their needs. Mac wanted to punish Harm, to hurt him, to make him suffer as she was suffering for his betrayal. Harm wanted his babies, his children that meant the world to him. He wanted his marriage back, his life back, but he knew that was never to be. In the absence of that he wanted joint custody of his children, not to be a force absentee father, and certainly not to be replaced in their lives by Mic Brumby.

Thus, the case came to trial. Mac had hired a new lawyer, a tough seasoned custody attorney, Jacob Johnston while Harm stayed in the young but capable hands of Maureen McAuliffe. Harm's hands were shaking as he sat with Maureen that morning going over the list of witnesses. On his list were among others, his mother and Bud Roberts. One Mac's, Harriet Roberts, a circumstance that made Harm's heart hurt.

"I feel so bad about doing this," he sighed. "About putting one spouse against another."

"You didn't," Maureen replied. "We submitted our witness list weeks before Mr. Johnston submitted his. He is the one doing this, and Lieutenant Roberts has information that will help your custody claim. Try not to worry."

"Easy for you to say," Harm sighed. "You…"

"I know," Maureen replied. "I get paid whether I win or lose, but I believe in this case. I think we really have a shot at getting at the very least a better arrangement for you. But you have to be together in there. You have to look like a capable father; right now…your hands are shaking." She reached out and took the cup of coffee from his hands. "No more."

"I haven't been sleeping well," Harm tried to justify.

"I know, but you are way over caffeinated. Take a deep breath; I'm going to get you a glass of water."

Maureen left Harm to sit and try to slow his pulse down. He was scared, not because he didn't trust his lawyer, but because he didn't trust Mac's. He didn't want to stoop to hitting below the belt, he wanted to take the high road, but he'd resolved himself that, if need be he'd authorize Maureen to go all out, to use it all, and some how he felt that would be necessary.

An hour later, Harm saw Mac for the first time in three weeks. She'd lost more weight, her eyes looked dark, but her stance was all business. She was seated with her lawyer, and to Harm's chagrin Mic Brumby was seated right beside her. The judge called the court room to order and asked the attorneys to make their opening arguments.

Mac's lawyer did an excellent job of highlighting Harm's indiscretion, his flaws, his tendency to get himself into dangerous situations, all the while making Mac out to be the perfect caregiver, the dutiful, every loving wife and mother, horribly betrayed by the man she loved.

Maureen, when it was her turn, paid credit to Mac's skills as a mother, but made certain to inform the judge of evidence from psychologists and doctors that Harm was a good, loving and stable parent for his children. She did highlight one major weakness of Mac's. Her illness and how it affected her children, listing that the respondent would offer evidence proving that Mac's situation while better was not resolved and could eventually lead to more traumas for Lucy and DJ.

After listening to the arguments, the judge instructed the Petitioner to call their first witness.

Mac's lawyer rose, "We call Mrs. Harriet Sims-Roberts."

Harriet rose from her seat and walked to the stand. She was sworn in and asked to state her name for the court.

"What is you relationship with the parties in this case?" Mr. Johnston asked.

"I've been friends with Commander Rabb and Lieutenant Colonel Mackenzie-Rabb for over seven years," Harriet replied.

"And in that time, you've had the opportunity to see their relationship grow and change, didn't you?" Mr. Johnston asked.

"Yes, I've seen them go from friends and partners, to engaged, to married, eventually to being parents, and now…well to what seems like mortal enemies," she sighed.

"And what in your estimation brought about that latest change in their relationship?" Mr. Johnston asked.

"Well, a few things," Harriet replied. "I think that the Colonel's illness is where it really began."

"How so?"

"Well, Mac…Colonel Rabb was petrified of her husband's reaction when he found out she couldn't have anymore babies. She told me Harm was very clear up front that he wanted to have a large family, four children. They only had two when she was diagnosed with endometriosis," Harriet relayed.

_**Harriet and Mac sat at the luncheonette eating their meals. Mac was more playing with hers as she cried to her friend. "I don't know what to tell him. He's going to be so angry."**_

_**"No, he won't," soothed Harriet. "He'll understand."**_

_**"He...he wants to have another baby soon," Mac sighed. "He told me. How can I tell him...?" Mac sighed. "What will I be to him now..."**_

_**"You'll be his wife," said Harriet. "His best friend, the one person in all the world he can't live without. You have a medical disease, Mac; it's nothing you asked for, it's not your fault. He'll understand, you watch and see."**_

_**"But..." Mac swallowed. "I'm just so scared that...I'll lose him."**_

_**Harriet took Mac's hand in hers. "I can't think of anything that would ever cause you to lose him. You love him too much, plain and simple."**_

_**"But does he love me enough?" Mac sighed. "Does he love me enough to be married to me knowing we may never conceive another baby, we may never even make love again. He hasn't even tried since that night."**_

_**"I'm sorry, Mac," said Harriet, knowing her friend was really hurting. "I know you don't want to hear this, but...if it gets too bad, there's always the hysterectomy. You couldn't have babies, but you could have each other again."**_

_**Mac nodded, "I can't tell him," she decided.**_

_**"You have to," stated Harriet flatly. "You can't keep this from him; it's not fair, and he'll find out sooner or later anyway."**_

_**Mac shook her head, "No. I can have the operation and...I'll be okay then, at least for making love. He'll never have to know what it was."**_

_**Harriet laughed. "Okay, and what about when he brings up trying to have another baby?"**_

_**"We can try, it just probably won't happen," Mac sighed. "I...Nothing I think of seems right."**_

_**"That's because you're looking for a way to keep something from your husband," said Harriet. "When you should be thinking of a way to take it to him so the two of you can face it together."**_

_**"And if you're wrong?" Mac asked. "If...If he rejects me..." She shook her head.**_

_**"Do the words 'for better or for worse' ring any bells?" asked Harriet. "This is the 'worse', that's all it is. It's not the end of your life or the end of your marriage or anything; it's just...it's just the 'worse' that you promised one another and God and everyone in that church that day that you'd go through together."**_

"What was Commander Rabb's reaction to his wife's revelation?" Mr. Johnston asked.

"He was angry," Harriet began to be cut off.

"Angry?" Mr. Johnston repeated.

"Well, because," Harriet tried again.

"He was angry, so angry her wanted to hurt her, didn't he?" Mr. Johnston asked.

"Objection," Maureen interjected. "Counsel is editorializing."

"Sustained, allow Mrs. Roberts to explain her own answers, Mr. Johnston," the judge instructed.

Mr. Johnston nodded, "Did Mr. Rabb have an affair in the middle part of last year?"

"Yes, he, to my knowledge had a one time affair with an old girlfriend," Harriet replied.

"And that girlfriend gave birth to a child?" he asked.

"Objection, irrelevant. Stipulated paternity tests have revealed that Mrs. Pendry's baby is not Commander Rabb's child," Maureen spoke up.

"Sustained," the judge ruled.

"Did Commander Rabb or Colonel Rabb ever discuss with you his reasons for that affair?" Mr. Johnston asked.

"Yes," Harriet sighed. "Colonel Rabb did. She told me the Commander's reasons were his pain over her illness, over their lost dreams, and her silence."

"A silence she kept because she feared his reaction, isn't that correct?" Mr. Johnston pressed.

"Maybe…but…" Harriet began.

"If a grown woman, a Marine Colonel fears her husband, what does that imply for the children?" Mr. Johnston asked.

"Both of the Rabbs are excellent parents," Harriet answered firmly. "Neither one would ever hurt them."

"Did you ever think that Commander Rabb would have hurt Colonel Rabb?" Mr. Johnston asked.

"No, but…" Harriet began.

"In fact, the Commander has a history of selfish and harmful behavior towards his wife and his children? Isn't that true?" Mr. Johnston fired.

"Objection, this line of questioning assumed facts not in evidence. Nothing in the stipulated reports confirms that Commander Rabb has ever done anything that caused undue harm to his daughter or his son," Maureen objected.

"I'll rephrase," Mr. Johnston replied. "Mrs. Roberts, you are a mother of four, is that correct?"

"Yes, Sir," Harriet replied.

"And you've been married for seven years?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied.

"In your opinion as a mother and a spouse, would you not consider it a selfish behavior for one to leave their post to return to active aviation status while his bride of less than one year was pregnant?" Mr. Johnston asked.

"It's not a choice I would have made," Harriet replied.

"But it is a choice Commander Rabb made," Mr. Johnston asked.

"Yes, Sir," Harriet replied.

"And during this time, did Colonel Rabb, then Major Rabb have any complications or issues with her condition?" Mr. Johnston asked.

"Yes, she has a bad case of sciatica which results in her being bedridden for day or weeks at a time," Harriet replied.

"And during this time, what did she ask for more than anything else?" Mr. Johnston asked.

"Her husband of course," Harriet replied.

"But he wasn't there for her was he?" Mr. Johnston asked.

"He took a week of leave at the worse of it," Harriet replied.

"A week of leave, in a nine month pregnancy," Mr. Johnston scoffed. "How admirable?"

"Objection," sighed Maureen.

"Sustained," replied the judge.

"Withdrawn," said Mr. Johnston. "Nothing further."

Maureen rose from her seat. Mr. Johnston had done nothing to build his case, he simply tried to assassinate Harm's character. Now, she must rehabilitate it.

"Mrs. Roberts," she began. "You testified that Mr. Rabb was angry when he found out about his wife's condition. Did anyone ever tell you why?"

"Yes," Harriet replied. "He was upset because of how long she'd waited before telling him about her condition."

"Understandable, wouldn't you say?" Maureen asked.

"I suppose so, Ma'am," replied Harriet. "Still, he shouldn't have had an affair."

"No," Maureen agreed. "But, Mrs. Roberts, even given all of Commander Rabb's mistakes, his flying, his infidelity, do you feel that he is a good father? Being a mother yourself, do you feel Commander Rabb is a loving and capable father?"

"Of course I do, but…" Harriet began.

"And during Colonel Rabb's long illness, who cared for her?" Maureen asked.

"Commander Rabb," Harriet answered.

"And who cared for the Rabb children?" Maureen asked.

"Their father mostly, but we all helped at times," Harriet answered.

"And at those times when you helped," Maureen asked. "Did either Lucy or DJ ever seem as if they were not being cared for in the best possible way?"

"No, Ma'am," Harriet replied.

"Nothing further," Maureen replied and sat down.

Mr. Johnston called a few more witnesses, including Dr. Bradley who testified that by and large Mac's illness had been cleared up, but on cross admitted that it was chronic and given the severity of Mac's case could and probably would become a factor again in the future.

Finally it was Mac's turn to testify, that testimony would close the days' events. Once Mac had been sworn in and had stated her name for the court record, Mr. Johnston began to question her.

"Colonel, you were the one who asked for a divorce in this case, is that correct?" he asked.

"Yes, Sir," Mac replied. "My husband and I had been separated, and I felt that it was futile to try to continue the marriage."

"What made you feel that way?" he asked.

"He…Harm lied to me, more than once and I just couldn't live with someone I couldn't trust anymore," Mac sighed.

"So there was more than on incident that led you to divorce Commander Rabb?" he asked.

"Yes, it was an accumulation of things really," Mac replied.

"What kinds of things?" Mr. Johnston asked.

"Well," Mac sighed. "I'd have to say it began on our honeymoon."

_**Harm and Mac lay together cuddling in the afterglow of their lovemaking. **_

_**"Do you have any clue how much I love you?" he asked.**_

_**"I think that performance earlier gave me a pretty good idea," Mac replied. "And the trip...I can't wait."**_

_**They were planning to honeymoon at Walt Disney World, a place Mac had never been before. How was he going to tell she wasn't going this time, either? "Mac?"**_

_**"What?" she asked, playing with the hairs on his chest. "You look so serious all of a sudden."**_

_**He sighed. "Remember that call I got earlier?" he asked. **_

_**"Before I went to get changed? Yeah, what about it?" Mac asked, sensing something was wrong.**_

_**"It...I..." he stammered, unsure of how to make what he had to say sound any less awful. "I have to be in court on Monday at 0900."**_

_**"But we're on leave," Mac reminded him. "The Admiral gave us two weeks."**_

_**"I know, baby," he said. "But it's something that no one else can handle, so he rescinded my leave, as much as he hated to do it. I have to defend Roscoe Martin."**_

_**"Harm, he's...he's in a mental hospital, anything he does is a civilian matter," Mac sighed.**_

_**"He requested me by name, Mac," said Harm softly. "It's...I tried to get out of it, but there's just no way."**_

_**"Harm...Harm, Sweetie, please don't do this," Mac begged. "I don't care if we don't go away, but please...don't get involved in this."**_

_**"I'm already involved, my love," he said apologetically. "I'm so sorry about our trip; I'll make it up to you, I swear."**_

_**"It's not about the trip," Mac sighed. "I don't...You just concluded 18 years of searching for your father...You're seeing Roscoe...You see your Dad in him, don't you?"**_

_**Harm thought for a moment. "Maybe a little...I dunno. All the Admiral said was Roscoe asked for me because he thinks I'll 'go the extra mile', and I want the chance to try."**_

_**Mac rolled over and gave him her back.**_

_**He feared this would happen. "Mac, baby," he said. "I'm sorry. Let's try not to waste the little time we have left together this weekend being angry."**_

_**"I'm not angry," she replied. "I'm scared for you. You just concluded 18 years of searching...please, don't go back into that jungle."**_

_**He sighed. "It's not that simple, Mac. I can't explain it; it's just...not."**_

_**She nodded and rolled back over. "Come here," she sighed on opened her arms to let him snuggle in. "Come on."**_

_**He crawled in close to her, resting his head upon her shoulder. "You're my world, Mac. My whole entire world."**_

_**She dropped a kiss on his forehead, "I love you so much. I just...I don't want you to get hurt. I don't want you to get hurt."**_

"That wasn't the nicest thing to do," Mr. Johnston stated.

"Objection, counsel is making a statement," Maureen objected.

"Sustained, ask a question, Mr. Johnston," instructed the judge.

"Why do you suppose your husband chose to do that?" he asked.

"Well, to understand that, you have to know Harm," Mac explained. "He spent 18 years searching for his father, and shortly before our marriage, he found out he was dead. That's what brought us together, I believe. Roscoe Martin was like Harm's father, a victim of a senseless war."

"What other things led to your divorce Colonel?" the lawyer asked.

"One of Harm's biggest deceptions was his laser ablation surgery. He suffered from retinal scarring that impaired his night vision. He had it operated on without my knowledge and applied for a return to flight status, even though I was pregnant with our daughter," Mac recounted.

**It was late when Harm and Mac returned to the house from dinner out with Bud and Harriet. "Oh...my legs are killing me," Mac moaned as she worked her way out of the car.**

**"When did this start?" asked Harm.**

**"Yesterday," Mac replied. "From the knee down they are really sore."**

**Harm walked around to the passenger side and looked at his wife's legs. "Wow, baby, your ankles are really swollen."**

**"Ugg, Harriet said that was the worst part for her. I'm not sure I can get out of the car like this," Mac sighed.**

**"Here, take my hand," he said, reaching out to help her up. "Let's go inside, and I'll rub your feet, okay?"**

**Mac sighed, "Can you rub my whole body?" she asked. "This baby is...making me feel all blah."**

**He looked her in the eye and laid a gentle hand upon her growing belly. "It's making you look beautiful."**

**Mac smiled and hand in hand they made their way inside. She stripped down and put on her sweats before flopping on the sofa. Once Harm had changed he joined her and took her feet in his lap.**

**"Like this?" he asked as he rubbed her feet.**

**"Go lighter, the skin is tender," she replied, leaning back and relaxing. "So...when are you going to tell me what's on your mind?"**

**"Nothing," he said, knowing she wasn't feeling very well and not exactly up for bad news.**

**"Come on Babe, I know you," Mac replied. "Did you get in some kind of trouble with Admiral Chegwidden?"**

**He sighed and shook his head. "No, it's nothing like that. It's nothing we need to get into tonight, sweetie" he said tenderly. "Just relax and enjoy your massage, okay?"**

**"Harm...I know something is up with you and if you don't' tell me I'm just going be up all night worrying," Mac sighed. "And that's not good for me or Harmon the Third."**

**He smiled a little. "Oh, sure, bring the baby into it.'**

**"Harm," she warned. "Come on, you've been acting distant since we got back from California. Is it...Are you reconsidering..." She paused the words shocking her as they left her mouth.**

**He looked at her. "God, no, Mac," he said. "If you're afraid I'm having second thoughts about us or...about the baby, I'm not. I love you both like crazy, and I'm so lucky to have you; both of you."**

**"Then what is it?" she asked softly. "Please let me in, let me help you if I can."**

**Ceasing his massage, he leaned back against the sofa and slowly turned to face her a little more. "There's no easy way to tell you this," he began, "So I'll just say it. I'm planning on changing my designator."**

**"Changing you...to what?" Mac asked, all ready knowing but not believing it.**

**He answered her in short form. "I'm going back to flying, Mac."**

**Mac sat up straight at that, "Harm, no...You...What about your night vision? You'll..." She was getting upset, starting to panic.**

**"Shh, calm down," he soothed. "I won't have any trouble with that anymore. I got my eyes fixed." He said the last part noticeable softer than the first.**

**"Fixed?" Mac sputtered. "When did this happen?"**

**"Six weeks ago," he said. "I had what's called laser ablation. In and out in a couple of minutes."**

**"And you didn't tell me," Mac sighed. "Why didn't you tell me?" That was practically shouted.**

**"Because I didn't tell anyone until I was sure it worked," he said in a feeble attempt at self-defense.**

**Mac rose from the sofa and started to pace about. "Anyone, so that's what I am. Just anyone?"**

**He sighed and rose to go to her. "Of course not. I just didn't want to make an issue of it in case it didn't work, that's all."**

**Mac sighed, "I don't want you to go back to flying. What about me and the baby, huh?" she asked, her jaw starting to quiver.**

**"I'll only have to fly in combat if we go to war," he said, hating that this was hurting her so much. "Otherwise I'll just be flying routine missions off a carrier, like before. I'll be okay, Mac; I promise."**

**"But it was one of those "routine missions," she stopped halfway through and put her hand on her belly, breathing in hard. She made a tiny "oh" sound and breathed deeply.**

**"What?" he asked, eyes wide with anxious worry. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"**

**"I think...Oh..." she gasped again."Help me sit."**

**He helped her ease down onto the sofa again and he sat beside her. "Tell me what happened," he begged. "Is something wrong?"**

**"I had this funny pain," she began.**

**"Where?" he asked as he assessed he situation, or at least tried to.**

**"Here," Mac told him and placed his hand near her rib cage. "There it is again. Is that...his foot?"**

**Harm smiled. "I think so. Wow, can you believe it? That little life in there...we made that; you and me."**

**"Yeah, we did," she replied. "Promise me...promise me two things," she asked as he sat with his hand on her belly feeling his child kick.**

**"Okay," he said, still smiling.**

**"Promise that you'll never keep a secret like that again, and promise me you'll come back to us. One tour, that's all," Mac said firmly. "Promise me." She placed her hand over he belly, "Promise us."**

**His answer came in the form of a long, tender kiss.**

"You have two children with Commander Rabb, is that correct?" Mr. Johnston asked.

"Yes," replied Mac.

"And what kind of father do you think he makes for them?"

"He's…he's a good father. But he doesn't know how to put them first. He sometimes gets distracted," Mac replied.

"Distracted how?" her lawyer pressed.

"Well, the prime example is a few months ago, after we separated. While our son was in his father's care, he fell down and sprained his wrist," Mac said.

Her lawyer continued to question her with some interruptions from Maureen at the most ludicrous queries. Finally, he began his last line of questioning. "So it was Commander Rabb's selfish, sometimes careless nature that led to your divorce?"

"Yes, indirectly," Mac replied. "More directly it was the affair he'd had though."

"Is it true that Mr. Rabb had an affair during the early days of your marriage?" asked Mr. Johnston.

"Yes," answered Mac, once again looking at Harm.

"Would you please tell the court what happened?"

Mac nodded. "It was the day I'd stood court martial for the death of my ex-husband, whom Harm was unaware even existed. I was found innocent of murder; the death was ruled self defense, however between Harm and I, the whole matter caused a great deal of conflict."

"How so?" asked her attorney.

"He was very angry at me for never telling him about my first marriage" explained Mac. "He felt that I'd betrayed him by keeping it a secret, when in reality it's not something I ever talk about because it was such a mistake and such a disaster." She looked at Harm yet again, almost as if to say their marriage had also been those things.

"So, Mr. Rabb had an affair because he was angry with you?" asked Mr. Johnston.

"He did," replied Mac. "He went out the evening of my court martial, said he 'needed time to think'. He ran into his ex-partner, the one he worked with at JAG before me. I don't know what happened there except that he came home later, crying his eyes out and apologizing."

**Mac was sitting on their sofa, a blanket tucked around her legs as she listened for Harm's footfalls at the door. Eleven pm** **came, the midnight, then one o'clock. Finally she heard his familiar step and rushed to the door to throw her arms around him, hold him close, and beg his forgiveness. When she opened the door however, she was not prepared for what she saw. Harm was standing there, his uniform shirt unbuttoned at the neck, hot tears falling from his face, and shoulders heaving with sobs. "Harm?" Mac asked softly. "Baby, what is it? Are you sick? Hurt? Come here," she opened her arms for him to go into them.**

**He stepped closer to her and into her open arms, where he fell apart all over again. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." was all he could say.**

**Mac brought her hand up to caress the back of his neck, "Its okay," she soothed. "You were angry. I understand."**

**He shook his head as he cried. "No...no," he said. "What I did...I'm sorry...oh, God..."**

**Mac pulled away and met his wet, red eyes. "Honey, come and sit down. You're scaring me."**

**He did as she asked, clinging to her hand as they walked to the sofa. He forced himself to look her in the eye. "I didn't mean to," he whispered as fresh tears rolled down his face.**

**"I know," she cooed. "I know. I hurt you very badly, you had to breathe. I understand its okay."**

**He had to come clean. "I ran into Meg tonight," he spit out, looking into his wife's eyes for the first signs of comprehension.**

**"Meg Austin?" she queried holding onto his trembling hand. **

**He nodded and took a slow, deep breath. "I never meant for it to happen, honest I didn't," he cried.**

**"Of course not," Mac sighed. "You didn't know she was here, if you did we'd have had her over."**

**He stood up, realizing he had to spell it out, plain and clear for her. "I ran into her and we talked and then we kissed and then-"**

**"You...You kissed?" she asked her face falling as if it had broken. "Kissed and what?"**

**He needed another deep breath. "We kissed and then...things started getting out of control". He paused to wipe away his latest teardrops. "She started unbuttoning my shirt, I did the same to her-"**

**Mac shuttered and rose from the couch, "So you slept with her?" Mac asked. "You..." Her voice caught as she fought her own tears.**

**"No, no..." he said, shaking his head adamantly. "I...we kissed and we got a little bit undressed and we...felt around each other a little and then it hit me...I came straight home; I had to see you, to tell you and to ask you to forgive me." He looked away and tried to stifle a sob.**

**Mac nodded, "Then ask me," she instructed.**

**He went to her and took hold of both her hands. "Mac," he began, once more crying steadily. "Will you forgive me?"**

**With her shoulders firmly squared and her eyes dry she nodded, "Yes, I will. I love you," she whispered and reached up to take his lips in a kiss. "God I love you, I'm so sorry I hurt you."**

**"I love you so much," he whispered against her lips. "I'm so sorry..."**

"So you forgave him instantly for that incident?" Mr. Johnston asked Mac.

"I did," answered Mac.

"And the second time? This most recent time?" he asked.

"This time was very different," said Mac. "He kept it from me for two months, I found out about it on my own before he ever told me anything."

"Mrs. Rabb, I realize that this was a very difficult thing to deal with, your husband's betrayal, but...Tell the court why you feel this makes him an unfit father?" the lawyer asked gently.

"It's my belief that any man who has an affair, who doesn't hold true to the promises he made to his wife, who lies to her and to his family, lacks the responsibility and good judgment necessary to raise children," stated Mac matter-of-factly.

"And of your own short comings?" he asked. "You've kept truth from your husband by your own admission."

"I have, yes," agreed Mac. "But out of love, not out of fear."

"Thank you, Colonel," Mr. Johnston sighed. "Nothing further."


	50. Chapter 50

A/N: I decided to update this bit today since the end has a bit of a shock for you. The next update will be over the weekend sometime, I promise.

Once again, hugs and thanks to my partner in crime Snugglebug. You're the best.

The case went on, Maureen questioning Mac next, raising several interesting points, including her alcoholism and her reluctance to have a hysterectomy that would have improved life for her children. All in all, it was very hard to tell which way the case would swing when they left the court room that first day.

For two days Mac's lawyer called witnesses that attested to Mac's ability to parent her children. They told how responsible she was when it came to her children's care and how much she loved them. Some told of Harm's antics over the years as well, making him look indeed like an irresponsible loose cannon.

It was a Thursday morning, the day they were to begin to present their case that Harm discussed this with Maureen in the coffee room.

"How can I possibly come off looking like anything other than a complete idiot?" he asked. "She's painted me in every dark color known to man."

"That's her job," Maureen replied. "She is trying to take your children. Her lawyer is doing his job, now I get to do mine. We still have our best weapon, you know?"

He nodded. "I hate this so much. I never dreamed we'd ever get divorced, let alone fight over our kids."

Maureen place a comforting hand on his shoulder, "It's going to be okay," she soothed. "Believe me. You're going on the stand today and you don't be afraid to show them how much you love those kids. Now, are you ready?" she asked. "We're going to get pretty personal, especially about Sarah's illness."

He rubbed his head with his hands, closing his eyes and sitting still.

"Harm?" Maureen asked. "Are you okay?"

"Headache," he answered. "Just gimme a minute."

"Okay, look at me," she instructed.

"Can't," he said. "Can't look at light; just give me a minute, okay?"

"Okay," Maureen said softly. "Keep your eyes closed, and take a nice deep breath in."

He followed her instruction, but it didn't help much. "What time is it?" he asked, his voice indicative of the pain he was experiencing.

"Its almost 9," she replied. "Another deep breath. Imagine all the tension just melting away," she said gently. "Think of a nice spring day, just you and your children at the park, running and playing baseball..."

This time, he took her suggestions, listened to her guidance, and he felt his headache begin to wane just a touch. After another 5 minutes, he felt well enough to head into the courtroom.

"Remember, be calm, be truthful, and don't let anything stay in. Emotion is a good thing, as long as it is not anger," she told him.

He sighed. "Yeah. Feels strange to be on this side of that speech."

"It's going to be okay," Maureen told him. "Let's go."

He swallowed hard and opened the door.

In another few minutes court was called to order and Maureen called Harm to the stand. Once he was sworn in, she began her examination. "Tell the court about your children Commander Rabb," she began.

My daughter, Lucy, is almost six years old," he said. "My son, David, is three."

"Are you closer to one child more than the other?" she asked.

"I don't believe I am," he said. "Lucy is going through her 'I want Daddy' phase, but no, I love both my children equally...and very much."

"I imagine you do," she replied, knowing Mr. Johnston would object and withdrawing the comment when he did so. "Commander, can you please account for us the events leading up to these proceedings. Mainly, the cause of the affair you had in August of last year."

"The cause of the affair was the pain I was in from the difficulty my wife's medical condition was causing within our marriage." He blinked a few times, his head beginning to hurt once more.

"When did you first learn of her condition?" Maureen asked.

"May of 2004," answered Harm. "She'd known since February and hadn't said anything to me."

"And what is her condition exactly, Commander?" Maureen asked.

"Severe endometriosis," he said, the pounding in his head growing worse.

"And what are the symptoms in Colonel Rabb's particular case?" she asked.

"Um...uh...back pain," he said, working hard to focus on account of his headache. "Lower back pain, heavy menstrual bleeding, lots of pain each cycle, pain during sex..."

"And when did you first learn of her pain?" she continued.

**Harm had been back from his TAD for only 4 hours. He'd missed his family terribly, especially Mac. After treating them to pizza for dinner and ice cream sundaes for dessert, he bathed the kids by himself, read them two stories and put them in bed a bit early so he and his wife could be together.**

**Mac was lying in bed when he arrived. She'd not felt well for over a week all ready. She was lying on her side with a pillow between her legs to relieve the pain in her lower back. **

**"Hey, beautiful," he said softly as he slid in next to her beneath the covers. "I've missed you."**

**"Mm," she sighed. "I missed you. Kids in bed?"**

**"Sound asleep," he answered with a gentle smile as he rolled towards her and moved his lips to hers.**

**Mac leaned into his kiss having missed the taste and feel of him. "Oh...I think that's my favorite part."**

**"Oh, really?" he asked coyly, sliding himself closer to her and draping one leg atop hers, noticing the pillow between her legs. "What's this for?" he asked, tugging at it just a little.**

**"Oh...I think I hurt myself lifting Lucy out of the tub the other day," Mac replied. "Since my back has really hurt."**

**"I'm sorry," he said, "I wish I'd been here to help you." He gave her another kiss. "Can I move it?" he asked in a whisper. "It's kinda in the way."**

**"Mmhmm," Mac replied. "You can move it. You're here now. You'll make it all better," she said this with a suggestive raise of her eyebrow.**

**He smiled as he slid the pillow out from beneath her and tossed it on the floor. "I'll see what I can do for you, baby." Leaning forward, he once again captured her lips, this time in a white hot exchange.**

**Mac eagerly responded to his touch, hands beginning to roam over his hard body. "Oh," she moaned in her throat. "Oh, God...You...I love you so much." Then, "Maybe..."**

**"What?" he asked as he busied himself with slipping the thin straps of her lacy nightgown off her shoulders and pulling the top down off her breasts.**

**"I think I might be ready to try for that third baby we're talking about having," she whispered next to his ear before taking the lobe between her teeth.**

**He took to dropping feather soft kisses on each breast; he knew it made her crazy. "Well, you know...what...that means?" he asked between kisses.**

**"Do I?" she asked panting at the exquisite sensations he was sending through her body.**

**"Means we've gotta do this...over and over...and over," he said as he shifted his focus to the spot where her neck and jaw line met. "I think I can go twice tonight, how 'bout you?" he breathed against her ear before kissing the spot right behind it. **

**"Just twice," Mac gasped. "I have at least three times, maybe four. You've been gone five whole days."**

**"Mmm...guess you wanna be at it all night then, huh?" he asked sexily, sliding his body from her left side to her right to continue his activities.**

**Mac responded and accepted his lover's touch with touches and caresses of his own. Soon she felt the fire within her ignite and begin to burn as high as it ever had since she'd first been with Harm. She lifted her hips as she felt her belly tighten and ignored the pulling pain in her back, her other body parts felt too wonderful for that to ruin it. "Harm, please, I can't take anymore."**

**"Me either,676" he panted, moving into place and uniting his body and hers before taking her in his arms and rolling onto his back, holding her close as he kissed her passionately; wildly even. When the kiss broke, without word, he rolled their bodies back over so she was once again on her back. He stared into her eyes. "God, I love you..."**

**He lifted his own hips to take her body as he had hundreds of times before, though it was always as beautiful and as meaningful as the first time they'd done this, only this time when Mac cried out his name it was not a cry of ecstasy, but one of agony. "Harm! Harm, stop!"**

**"Stop what?" he asked, slowing a bit but still moving within her, almost completely lost in the moment.**

**"Stop," she repeated weakly as she began to cry. "You're hurting me."**

**A look of absolute confusion mixed with fear appeared on his face. He ceased his motion totally and focused on her. "That hurt you, baby?" he asked softly.**

**Mac's entire body was shaking with pain, "So bad," she gasped. "So...It really hurts, Harm. Oh..."She moaned and shifted under him.**

**"What should I do?" he asked, not wanting to make anything worse for her.**

**"Get off me," she gasped out. "Just get off me."**

**With a nod, he did just as she asked, moving himself out of her and up next to her in almost the same motion. He moved the hair off her sweaty forehead. "What happened? I didn't do anything different. Are you okay?"**

**Mac rolled onto her side, pulled her knees into her chest and sobbed, one arm around her abdomen.** **"No," she cried. "It...I feel like I got stabbed."**

**Harm was at a total loss. "Stabbed? I don't understand" he said, leaning over her while being sure he kept his entire weight off of her. "Why do you feel like that? Was it something I did?"**

**Mac shook her head in confusion, "I don't know, Harm, but it hurts. It still hurts so bad."**

**"I'm so sorry, love," he said, rubbing her back softly. "Have you hurt like this before? I know, not when we're together, but at all?"**

**She nodded, "Not as bad, but bad enough," she replied. "Oh..." Another agonized moan.**

**Harm jumped out of bed and grabbed a pair of jeans and a T-shirt from the closet. He threw them on in no time, then pulled one of Mac's favorite lounge outfits out of her drawer and returned to her side. "Here, baby, let's get this on you. You need a doctor; this isn't right, something's really...not right."**

**Mac shook her head, "No. No, doc...Oh God," she sobbed with yet another strong cramp. "Help me, Harm."**

**"I will, baby, I will," he said. "I'm going to help you get these clothes on, then I'm going to call AJ and have him come sleep on the couch while I take you to the emergency room. Can you sit up at all for me?"**

**Mac tried to move but as she lifted her upper body, she collapsed backwards onto the bed. "I...I'm so dizzy," she moaned. "I'm scared. What's happening?"**

**"I think you're dizzy from the pain," he said. "Just lie there and I'll get this on you and we'll go." He grabbed the lounge pants, pulled the covers off of her so he could get to her legs, and froze at the sight in front of him. "Oh no" he whispered.**

**"What?" Mac asked, her voice growing weak.**

**He debated whether or not to tell her, but knew he really had no choice. "There's blood, sweetie."**

**She narrowed her eyes confused, "Blood?"**

**He nodded. "You're bleeding; you can't feel it?"**

**She shook her head, "I can't feel anything anymore," she replied. "Really tired."**

**"No, no, Mac," he said. "You need to stay awake so you can talk to the doctors."**

**Her eyes were beginning to slip closed as he said that when another fierce cramp seized her and she cried out once again in pain. "Make it stop," she begged him.**

**"Damn it!" he said under his breath as he threw her lounge wear aside and reached for the phone to dial 911. "Mac, its okay," he said, kneeling beside her. "You're okay, I promise."**

**"Hold me," she pleaded, fading again as the cramp let up.**

**He held her in one arm as he held the phone to his ear with the other. This was by no means the homecoming night he'd envisioned.**

"What happened when you got Colonel Rabb to the hospital, Commander?" Maureen asked.

"She went by ambulance," he said, his head now throbbing but he fought through it. "They took her straight back and examined her, asked her what happened. She wasn't really able to tell them anything, so they came and asked me. I explained everything, though it made no sense at that time, and they admitted her that night for testing the next morning."

"And what were the results of the tests?" asked Maureen.

He looked dead on at Mac. "Severe endometriosis. It explained...a lot."

"Did you know of these results immediately?" Maureen asked.

"No," he stated, gaze unmoving from his soon-to-be former wife. "She lied to me, said she had an infection."

"When did you learn the truth?" Maureen asked.

"I..." His hands began to shake.

"Commander?" Maureen repeated. "When did you learn the truth about Colonel Rabb's illness?"

**Harm noticed that Mac was preoccupied all during dinner that night. He knew she was feeling ill again with whatever ailment was plaguing her, but tonight she was even more upset and distant. She asked if he'd put Lucy and DJ down to their beds while she lay on the sofa with a heating pad on her back. Once the kids were asleep Harm joined her on the sofa, sitting by her feet which he placed in his lap.**

**"Harm?"** **Mac sighed. It was now or never.**

**She took a deep breath and laid it out on the table, "I'm sick."**

**Instantly, a wave of panic and worry washed over him. "Sick? Like...dying?"**

**She sighed again and the tears started constricting her ability to speak.**

**"Oh my God," he gasped, a lump forming in his throat. His worst fears were becoming reality, and he was powerless to stop it.**

**"I...I'm sorry..."she tried and reached out for him.**

**He wiped away a few tears which had fallen from his eyes, and felt the knot in his stomach tighten. "What is it?" he asked.**

**"My worst nightmare has come true," she cried. "Its...its..."**

**"Tell me, Mac," he said, his heart breaking. "Tell me what's wrong. Please...tell me."**

**Tears still falling she whispered the disease's dreaded name.**

**He looked at her, puzzled and unsure. "Is...I didn't think that was...was fatal."**

**Another harsh sob, "Its not, but it might as well be."**

**He felt as if the world had been lifted from his shoulders, but ten tons of bricks took its place. "Mac, don't say that!" he begged. "I was afraid I was losing you - how can you say you may as well be dying? I don't get it."**

**"Because..."she sobbed. "Because I can't..."**

**He pulled her close. "Calm down. Try to calm down and talk to me, okay?"**

**In the safety of his arms she finally said it, "I can't have anymore babies."**

**Another wave of relief, followed by another wave of pain.** **"Mac," he whispered. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that we can't have more babies together, but I'm so happy that you're not...leaving us."**

**She sniffled, "There's more."**

**"Go ahead," he whispered.**

**"Well I have to have an operation," she told him.**

**He nodded. "When?"**

**"In ten hours, and six minutes," she replied.**

**"What?" he exclaimed, releasing his embrace from behind her. "You're having surgery tomorrow, and this is the first I'm hearing of it?"**

**"There's more," she sighed again and braced herself.**

**He got up from the couch. "I don't know how much 'more' I can take! How could you keep this from me?"**

**"Harm, please, listen to me," she cried. "Please, I want you to know the truth."**

**He looked away from her. "Tell me."**

**"Its my second...maybe third one," she replied.**

**He whipped his head around to stare her in the eyes. "You did not just say this will be the second or third operation you've had! Tell me I heard that all wrong!"**

**Sheepishly she shook her head.**

**Harm threw his hands up in defeat. "How could you? How could you keep this from me; suffer alone all this time?"**

**She wiped her eyes and studied her lap, "I was scared."**

**"All the more reason you should have told me!" he said, very hurt by her secrecy. "God, Mac, you find out we can't have any more babies, and that you have a disease which requires multiple operations to treat, and you keep it from me! All of it, you keep it from me!"**

**She began to cry harder, "I was just so scared that you..."**

**"Spit it out," he said, compassion taking a back seat to pain. "Come on, Marine, spill it! What made you too afraid to tell your husband about this?"**

**His tone made her shout at him as she cried, making her voice squeak. "Because I was scared to death that once I told you I wouldn't have a husband anymore!"**

**He threw his hands up once again. "Oh, well, now I get it! Yeah, I've only loved you like crazy since I first laid eyes on you, and only dreamed about making you my wife every day between the Rose Garden and Russia, so yeah, if you'd come clean about your illness, I would've dropped you like a hot potato! Give me a break, Mac!"**

**She only cried harder, "I can't give you what you want! Don't you understand that!"**

**"I want you!" he exclaimed. "I want you to feel good, to not have this monster stealing your happiness!" He lowered his voice a notch or two. "I miss the way things were before this happened. I want that back."**

**"I miss...I miss a life without pain, constant pain and...I miss our dreams," she cried. "I want our third baby and our fourth...and I can't and it hurts me so much I wanted to spare you the pain!"**

**He knelt in front of her. "Unless you figured out a way to conceive our third and fourth children without me, you would have had to tell me about this eventually."**

**"I just thought you'd think it just didn't happen," Mac replied. "It was stupid, Harriet made me see that.**

**He nodded. "Yeah, it really was. As easily as we conceived Lucy and DJ, I would've figured it out before very long."**

**"I'm sorry," Mac replied. "I'm so sorry. I just...I don't know what I was thinking but I'd really...really like it if you were there with me tomorrow."**

**He cupped her face with his hand. "I'll be there. I'll always be there, Mac. Always."**

**"Its not very pleasant, the surgery. You can tell easily and...I feel I have to tell you...Remember the seminar?" Mac asked.**

**He nodded.**

**"That was my first surgery," Mac replied. "I'm too swollen to be seen after and I'm so sorry."**

**"It's okay," he soothed. "Let's just focus on tomorrow and get through this together."**

**"Will you hold me all night?" she asked.**

**"I will" he said softly. "I'm sorry I got so mad."**

**"You had the right," she replied. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I just didn't want to hurt you and I was so scared of losing you."**

**"I'm not going anywhere" he said tenderly. "I'll always be here, Mac. Always."**

"Did you wife's condition improve at all in the months following her surgery?" Maureen asked.

"Some," answered Harm, "but it wasn't long before things started reverting to the way they'd been prior to the operation." His headache just refused to die.

"How did her illness affect your children if at all?" she asked.

"It...uh...um...they..." He wiped the sweat from his forehead with his fingers, and loosened the knot on his tie.

"Commander Rabb?" Maureen asked, growing concerned. "Did Colonel Rabb's illness affect your son or your daughter in any way?"

"They saw their mother in bed a lot," he replied. "They knew she was sick and she couldn't take care of them."

"Would you say one child was more affected than the other?" she asked.

"Lucy, my daughter," answered Harm, feeling a bit cooler but his head was still throbbing. "She witnessed her mother having a severe bleeding episode the day before Thanksgiving."

"How did Lucy handle that?" Maureen asked her voice soft in order to convey sympathy for the child.

"She was traumatized by it. She wouldn't sleep by herself for a time and had nightmares about one of us dying or leaving her," Harm explained.

"Since that time how have you felt about having Lucy or DJ alone with Colonel Rabb?" Maureen asked. They'd worked on this question, she hoped he remembered.

"I worry about it," he said. "I don't feel that given her history and her medical condition, the children can safely be left in her care for any length of time."

"And is that why you want sole custody of your children, Commander?"

"It is," he replied.

Maureen sighed, he'd forgotten the last part, but it was too late now. "Nothing further. Your witness, Mr. Johnston."

Mac's attorney began firing at Harm from the moment he rose from his seat. He attacked him on his flying, his crash in the Atlantic, both affairs and all the while Harm felt his chest tighten, his head pound and his skin begin to drip with perspiration. It was when Johnston asked about Lucy's operation however that it all came undone. "Isn't it true your daughter had surgery five weeks ago?"

"Y...yes," Harm gasped out.

"And where were you while she was hospitalized for the procedure?" he asked.

"I didn't...she...wasn't the pain..." said Harm as the sweat continued pouring off his face.

"Excuse me?" Mr. Johnston sighed. "Your honor, please instruct the witness to answer the question."

The judge looked at the witness, soaked in perspiration, breathing hard. "This court is in recess," he declared and banged the gavel.

"Commander, are you all right?" he asked.

Maureen was on her feet and heading for her client as Mac strained to see around the crowd forming near Harm.

"Harm?" Maureen asked. "What's going on?"

He shook his head and looked at her blankly. Mac got to her feet and moved to Maureen's side, just in front of Harm.

"What happened?" she asked in concern.

"I'm not sure," replied the attorney. "Has he had this happen before?"

Mac wasn't sure if it was what had happened years ago so she stepped closer to talk to Harm. "Harm? Harm, are you okay? Talk to me."

To him, Mac sounded like she was talking to him from under water. She sounded very distant. He looked up at her, but his head hurt so badly all be could make out was her silhouette.

"Harm...come on, Sw...Come on, you can talk to me. Tell us what's wrong and we can help okay?" she asked as the bailiff brought the water.

He heard her a bit more clearly this time and knew he needed to communicate. "Head hurts," he gasped out, visibly struggling to breathe.

"Is that all?" she asked offering him the water glass, holding it to his lips so he could sip it.

He took a small sip of the water, and managed to say "Hot...can't...breathe."

"Okay, is it like with DJ? That time when I was sick?" she asked reaching to find his pulse.

"No," he gasped.

"Worse?" Mac asked worrying when she found his pulse racing.

His only reply was a pained moan as he reached his hands for his head, stopping short as he lost consciousness.

"Call an ambulance!" Mac instructed as she and the bailiff worked to ease Harm down to the floor. She held his hand in hers and whispered, "It's going to be okay."


	51. Chapter 51

A/N: I am not rushing to get to the end nor am I completing the testimony in the hearing. There will be more court scenes to come before the ruling. Stick with me and keep you seatbelts securely fastened. The ride just gets bumpier. Harm's incident is reminiscent of an episode my father had earlier this year.

As always, to Snugglebug, friends till the end. Hugs to you, Lady! J

The ambulance arrived a few minutes later and Maureen rode with her client. Mac's lawyer insisted she stay back and not ride to the hospital with Harm even though every ounce of her body compelled her to do that. Mac instead got a ride to the hospital with Mic, whom also transported Bud and Harriet.

Mac wasn't allowed to see Harm right away. Maureen was waiting talking to the nurse who was attending him. "Do you know anything?" Mac asked.

Maureen nodded, "Not much. His blood pressure was 200/110. They're trying to bring it down and they want to run some tests since he lost consciousness."

"When…when will they know what it is?" she asked.

"I have no idea," Maureen replied and walked away to get some coffee.

Maureen reached up and rubbed her neck. This was one of the hardest cases she ever tried in her career. Harmon Rabb was a sweet, loving, caring father, anyone could see that , but he'd made some very definite mistakes. They'd discusses the possibility of Annie testifying, but Harm assured her Mac would never put her on the stand and he didn't' want to have anything to do with her. Still, things could go either way and in those cases the father's lost. She bought her coffee and returned to wait for news.

Mac waited for nearly three hours while the doctors tested and examined Harm. Finally, one came out to talk with Maureen and with Mac. "Are you Mrs. Rabb?"

"Yes," Mac replied.

"This way," the doctor instructed and began to walk towards Harm's cubicle.

She followed him to a dimly lit cubicle, afraid of what she might find once she got there. "How is he?' she asked as they walked.

"He's resting," the doctor replied. "His blood pressure is coming down and he is feeling better, but...he's having some difficulties at the moment. We have to wait for the test results."

"I see," she said. "Could...is this a stress-related thing?"

"The elevation in blood pressure absolutely," the doctor replied. "The after effects of that...Mrs. Rabb, right now I'm going to have to ask you to be calm and patient with him. He's having trouble moving his right arm and leg and his speech is slowed somewhat. He also...you two are divorcing, is that correct?"

"We are," she answered softly. "No question where the stress came from."

"He doesn't seem to remember that," the doctor told her. "He's concerned about you and your children. He never mentioned the lawyer outside or the divorce. He was upset because his wedding band is missing."

Mac had to swallow hard. She knew he hadn't been wearing his wedding band for a few weeks; she remembered very well the night he took it off permanently.

**"And while we're at it," he said forcibly. "You can have this back, too!" He pulled the 8mm band of gold off his finger and slammed it down on the table beside her. They'd been fighting for almost an hour over what was his versus what was hers, quite stupid really, and things were growing nastier by the moment. "There! Happy now?"**

**Mac removed hers as well and tossed the diamond adorned ring at him, "Not as happy as I am now! Get out!" **

**"No!" he said. "We're not finished here! Now let me go get the rest of my stuff out of 'our' room!"**

**"You have fifteen minutes and if you even try to go near the children I'll have you arrested and court martialed," she threatened.**

**"Oh, save it, Mackenzie" he scoffed as he started down the hallway. "I'm not in for any sick surprises, am I? Not going to stumble across any evidence of your current love life or anything demented like that? Wait a second; how silly of me - you can't have a love life, that's what started this whole thing!" He was in rare form that night; a horrible, vengeful, mean form.**

**"You bastard!" she hissed. "I'm so glad I'm rid of you. I don't know what the Hell I was thinking...oh wait, I was thinking he's a handsome abusive bastard to marry, so I can be just like my Mom! Fifteen minutes, I'll be in the living room."**

**Without further comment, Harm headed for the room they once called their own. He quickly threw what few items of his remained there - some books, a few things from the closet, some junk from the drawers - into a box and walked hurriedly back to the living room. On his way to the garage to get the tool box he' left out there, he spied his wedding band, still on the table where he'd left it earlier. He shook his head and continued out the door.**

"Should I tell him?" asked Mac. "Should he know about the divorce?"

"I wouldn't say anything until we're certain if he's had a stroke or not. Just go easy, go with the flow. By tomorrow, he'll either remember or we'll at least be better about to assess his condition so we can break it to him in a controlled way. He just wants to see you," the doctor replied. "He's scared, Mrs. Rabb."

Mac cringed every time the doctor called her by her married name, part of her wondering if she'd ever get used to not being Mrs. Rabb. "I'll just sit next to him for awhile," she said as they finally reached the cubicle and she peeked in for a glimpse of the man she once loved more than life itself.

Harm was lying in the bed in a hospital issue gown. He was attached to a heart monitor, blood pressure monitor, brain wave monitor, and two IVs. He looked small; in that large bed, Harmon Rabb looked small. Mac stepped inside slowly. He smiled when he saw her.

"M...Mac," he stuttered.

"Yeah," she smiled. "How are you feeling?"

He was silent for a few moments, trying to get his mouth to cooperate. "Bad," he finally said.

She nodded, "You scared me, Harm. Don't do that again." She sat beside him and folded her hands in her lap. She wanted to take his hand, to hold onto him, but her bitterness and anger wouldn't let her, even if he was too sick to recall the hateful relationship they now had.

He moved his head to face her, slowly, and just as slowly he tried to speak. "Ki...kids?"

"They're fine," she replied. "AJ is with them."

Harm didn't respond, but the look in his eyes told her he understood.

"The doctors said you're having a hard time with your arm and leg," she said softly.

Again, silence followed by focused speech. "Yeah. Can...can't...move..."

"Can't move them at all or is it just hard?" she asked moving a bit closer to him, but still not touching him.

"Hard," he managed to reply. He was quiet briefly before moving his functional hand out towards her, his eyes begging the question "Why aren't you touching me?"

Mac wasn't sure how to reply to his unspoken question, so she simply said, "I was afraid I'd hurt you."

He took a deep breath. "W...won't."

Mac slid closer and took his hand, "There. Is that better?"

The sparkle in his eyes told all. The woman he loved, his wife, was beside him, and as long as that held true, he'd overcome this and be a better man for it. It was what he didn't know - didn't remember - that would surely break him.

"It's going to be okay," Mac comforted. He didn't remember and he didn't need to be upset further.

"St...stay...Mac?" he asked.

"What?" she asked. "I can't stay, you need to rest."

He looked into her eyes, his own eyes begging, pleading with her to sit at his bedside while he slept. He needed to know she'd be there like always.

She couldn't help but reach out and caress his cheek. "You want me to sit with you? Is that it?"

His answer was a lone teardrop in the corner of his eye. To the casual observer, it wasn't even there, but Mac saw it, knew exactly what it meant.

"I know it's scary," she comforted. "I know it is. Just close your eyes. I'll...I'll stay."

The faintest hint of a smile graced his lips as he drifted off to sleep, confident in the knowledge that Mac was at his side.

In spite of protests by Mic, Mr. Johnston, and even Maureen Mac didn't leave Harm's side. His CAT scans and MRIs all came back negative revealing that he did not, as feared, have a stroke. He instead had a very minor for of neurological event, a TIA the effects of which could be gone in a matter of days if not sooner.

Mac dozed in the chair next to Harm, holding his hand in hers as they both rested. He started when he woke and saw their hands clasped.

"What're you doing here?" he asked, a bit weary but otherwise fine.

"Sitting beside you, like you wanted," Mac replied.

"Like I...what happened?" he asked, looking down at their hands again, pulling his away.

"You...how does your arm and leg feel?" she asked. His speech had cleared up, but she wanted to be sure he was back to normal before she told him about his collapse in court.

"Uh, fine..." he said, unsure of much else.

"You can move them?" she asked.

He moved both arms and both legs in proof.

Mac smiled, "Good, do you remember being in court?"

"Vaguely," he answered. "Was I prosecuting or defending?"

"Testifying," Mac replied. "Do you know where your wedding ring is?"

He looked at his left hand, and the void that existed where his wedding band had been for almost 7 years. "Wherever you put it," he answered sadly.

"Good, you're back," she sighed. "You collapsed in court yesterday while Mr. Johnston was cross examining you. Do you remember?"

He shook his head. "Blood pressure again?"

"Again?" Mac asked. "This has happened before?"

"Not that landed me here," he said. "Had bad headaches before, that's about it, but they...I was warned if I wasn't careful, this could happen."

"And you weren't careful, were you?" she asked.

"I've found it a little difficult to minimize the stress in my life as of late," he answered sarcastically.

"You..." she paused. Now was not the time.

"Where's my doctor? I wanna get out of here," he said.

"He should be in soon, he came by earlier with your results," Mac replied.

"And?"

"He said you didn't have a stroke, thank God," Mac replied. "I didn't know what we'd have done if you had. You were really sick last night."

"Doesn't surprise you, does it?" he asked. "Things haven't been easy, you know?"

"It's your own fault," Mac replied before she could catch herself.

Before Harm could reply the door opened and AJ walked in accompanied by a small five year old whirlwind, "Daddy!" she exclaimed and ran to him.

"Hi, Button," said Harm, smiling wider than he had in days. "I've missed you."

"I missed you too," she declared trying to climb up on the bed. "Are you sick?"

"No, I'm okay," he said. "I didn't feel very well yesterday, but I'm better now."

"When can we go out for pizza?" Lucy asked eyes wide.

"Not for a few more days, baby," he said. "The next night I get to see you, I promise we'll go for pizza."

"I have a boo boo," Lucy told him and held up her finger. It looked slightly burned, like she'd touched a hot pot.

Mac inwardly cringed, if Harm found out Mic had her near the oven...

"It got burned," she replied.

"Burned? How did that happen?" He looked up at AJ, and over at Mac.

"Making dinner with Mic the other day," Lucy replied. "It hurt a lot and I cried."

His attention was instantly focused entirely on Mac. "He let her get burned? How?"

"I wasn't home, I don't know," Mac answered. "Lucy, don't bother Daddy with that okay."

"Oh, it's no bother," he said, his tone one of no nonsense. "Lucy Bear, tell Daddy what happened?"

"I wanted a drink and my cup was up high. I tried to tug on Uncle's Mic's leg so he could get it cause he didn't listen," she began and cuddled in closer remembering Mic's shouting at her.

He wrapped his arms around her. "What else happened?"

"He moved before I got to his pants and my hand hit the oven and I got hurt," she whispered and looked at her Mommy. "Then he yelled at me."

Now she had Mac's attention, "He yelled? Why didn't you tell Mommy?"

"I didn't wanna get in trouble," said Lucy, beginning to cry.

"You wouldn't be in trouble for telling Mommy the truth," Mac comforted. "Tell Daddy what Mommy did."

"Mommy..." Lucy had to pause to get herself together. "Mommy put ice on my boo boo and let me sit in her lap until I wasn't crying anymore."

"That's right baby girl," Mac soothed. "Now do you want to go with Mommy to find Daddy's doctor or stay here with Daddy and Uncle AJ?"

"I want Daddy," she answered.

Mac leaned over and kissed her cheek, "You be still. Don't pull out any of Daddy's medicines okay?"

"I'll be good, Mommy," promised the child as she settled in closer to her father.

Two hours later AJ dragged a crying Lucy away from Harm as he was discharged to go home with orders to rest for two days. The second day would bleed into a visitation day.

"I think it might be best if we skip this appointment," Mac told him as she prepared to leave.

"You're not going to let me have the kids?" he asked, not fully believing her.

"I just think it's best if you rested this week and took them next week," she offered.

He thought for a moment. "We're talking a fair and even trade? Next week for this week?"

"Right," she replied. "Unless of course the judge rules before then."

"Yeah, well..." He sighed. "Okay, I'll rest this week, but next week they're mine."

"Oh wait," Mac sighed. "Mic has circus tickets next week. Ho..."

"Mac, don't mess with me," he said. "Either I get them this week, like I'm supposed to, or I get them next week. What's it gonna be?"

"Harm, calm down," she tried to soothe.

"Not until we settle this," he said.

"Sunday," Mac replied. "You rest today and tomorrow, and you get them on Sunday instead of Saturday."

He sighed. "Okay."

"So...you take care, okay. This may come as a surprise but I don't want anything bad to happen to you."

He looked up at the sky, dreary and gray. "Coulda fooled me."


	52. Chapter 52

A/N: Thanks to Snugglebug. Love ya! Thanks to the reviewers, enjoy!

Court recessed until Monday when Harm was able to return and finish his testimony showing far more competence than he did the first time around. All in all by the end of the week Harm and Mac were neck and neck in their battle for their children. That was when Mac's lawyer put her feet to the fire. "Sarah, there has to be something, something that will crack him, make him angry, make him...make him not so steady."

"Like what?" she asked. "He's a lawyer; he knows how this game works. Throwing him off balance will be really hard to do…not to mention...I'm not sure it's in his best interest, given his current health."

"His current health is one of the only weapons we have," Jacob sighed. "That and...what really gets to him? What is really a rough spot with him?"

Mac thought for a second. "The kids. He'll defend and protect them to the utmost end, but you're not suggesting we use that against him?"

"Well Maureen McAuliffe is as good as it gets when it comes to strategy and the fact that she didn't call your daughter means we can't. No, I'm not suggesting we use that against him, I'm saying that's the only hope you have of sole custody. If we can show he's volatile, that he has a temper..."

"Oh, he has one," said Mac. "Believe me."

"Well unless he shows it in the court room..." Mr. Johnston sighed.

Suddenly, Mac had an insight. "We can call a witness, someone who'll be sure to set him off."

"Who?" he asked, interested piqued. "Annie Pendry?"

"She'd get his goat for sure, yes, but she might do more harm than good to us. I was thinking of Mic Brumby," she answered. "He's my...we're semi-involved, and Harm has hated him from day one."

Mr. Johnston nodded, "Thank you Sarah," he smiled. "I'll take it from here."

Maureen battled her hardest to keep Mic from testifying as a rebuttal witness, but the judge gave in. He reasoned that Mic was in contact with the children often and could and would give testimony about what was in their best interested.

"What is your current relationship with Sarah Mackenzie Rabb?" Mr. Johnston asked.

"I'm her boyfriend." replied Mic, looking at Mac as he did so.

"And what is your relationship with Lucille and David Rabb?" he asked.

"I take care of them quite often," he said. "They call me 'Uncle Mic'."

"So the children are fond of you then?" he asked.

Mic nodded. "I do believe so, yes."

"In your experience with the Rabbs, mainly Colonel Rabb, what kind of mother is she?"

"She's the best," he answered. "Very loving, very in tune with her children."

"Do you have a response to the allegations made by Commander Rabb that Colonel Rabb's medical condition makes her incapable of caring for her children properly?" Johnston asked.

"I think it's wrong," said Mic. "She used to be sick, but she's not any longer and she's certainly capable of caring for her children."

"Can you tell us a bit about the children, start with the youngest, David?" This was where he hoped to get Harm's goat. Harm was all ready becoming agitated and Maureen was doing her best to keep him calmed down. If Mic said a few unflattering things about Lucy and DJ, well Harm's protective nature would come flying out.

"He's a right sweet little guy," said Mic with a smile. "He's your typical pre-schooler, learning new things everyday and all. He has his moments, but he's a great little mate."

"Moments?"

"Well yeah," said Mic. "He's a three-year-old; he gets frustrated when he can't do something and his mother or I try to help him. Very independent, likes to figure the world out for himself."

"And what of Lucille?" he asked. This was going to be the one.

"Lucy's a good girl," said Mic, his words not as convincing this time as they were when describing DJ. "She's had a tough time as of late, what with everything changing in her life, but she's...she's a good kid."

"You don't seem too sure of that assessment, Commander Brumby?" Johnston pressed while Harm glared at Maureen. "Do something!" he hissed.

"I can't," she sighed. "The judge ruled it relevant, he'll just over rule me and this is a bench trial."

"No, I am," insisted Mic. "Though my relationship with Lucy has been wrought with a few more 'moments' than DJ's has. I love them both, I really do."

He nodded, "What kind of moments, Commander?"

"Objection," Maureen rose. "Relevance."

"Over ruled," the judge sighed. "Commander Brumby's assessment of Lucille's behavior is valid in determining how she is raised and influence by her parents. Move along, Mr. Johnston."

"She's had a bit of an anger problem for awhile now," said Mic. "I first saw it when things between Commander and Colonel Rabb began to turn sour." He looked in Harm's direction, just to be obnoxious.

"And how did her parents deal with that problem, to your knowledge?"

"I know they sent her to therapy," replied Mic. "I don't think it did much good, but they made her go anyway."

"Does Lucy still have this anger problem?" Mr. Johnston asked Mic.

"She most certainly does," stated Mic. "She doesn't listen to a thing I say without getting angry."

Harm felt his blood begin to boil. "Maybe because you're not her Daddy and she knows she doesn't have to listen to you," he grumbled under his breath.

"Harm relax, they are trying to get to you, just sit still," Maureen comforted to no avail.

"What do her parents say when that happens, what does Colonel Rabb do?" Johnston pressed.

"Colonel Rabb takes her aside and talks to her about it, sometimes calms her down," said Mic. "Commander Rabb, I've no idea. He's the reason she's like this to begin with."

"How so?" Johnston tried to hide his smile as Harm shifted in his seat and clenched his fist.

"Well, the way he raised her," Mic sighed. "He's the reason she's so messed up."

"What do you mean by 'messed up' Commander Brumby?"

"I mean she wouldn't be such a demanding little snot," said Mic, his true feelings for Lucy finally coming out.

With those words Harm was on his feet like a shot. Maureen tried to restrain him but he shrugged her off. Before anyone could react he was in Mic's face, "Take it back, Brumby. Right now!"

Maureen recovered and perused her client, "Harm, sit down!" she ordered as the judge demanded order.

"It's true!" said Mic, not backing down from the confrontation at all. "If you'd been a decent father to her, she might be a decent kid!"

"She is a decent kid!" Harm snapped ignoring the bailiff approaching him as the judge threatened to have his held in contempt. "She's the sweetest..." Those were the last words he was able to say before Maureen's sharp pinch hushed him up. "Harm, sit down now!" To the judge, "Your Honor, a brief recess."

Maureen escorted Harm to the interview room and sat him down, "What the Hell was that?" she blasted.

Being a lawyer himself, Harm knew the damage his outburst had almost certainly caused their case, but at the moment he didn't much care. "That jerk-off was insulting my little girl! I wasn't gonna take that sitting down!"

"Harm...he was trying to get to you, to make you angry..." Maureen reminded him. "Now they've won."

"Not necessarily," said Harm, pointing his finger at Maureen for emphasis. "Surely the judge saw through their games."

"Harm, you lunged at the man," she sighed. "I'm going to have to pull off a miracle to get you custody now. Couple this with your collapse last week...you're a lawyer and a father...what would you do?"

"They provoked me with full intention of making me so mad that I'd do...exactly what I did." He sank into his chair. "It'll be harder now, getting custody, but surely between the two of us, we can comprise a strategy."

She sadly looked at him and shook her head, "Harm..."

"No, don't 'Harm...' me," he said insistently. "I know I hurt us in there, but-"

"Harm, to win, Mac would have to show up drunk tomorrow morning," Maureen sighed. "Wait a minute. Did she ever drink around the kids?"

Harm nodded. "Once; when Lucy was little. Her mom had visited...it didn't go too well."

"Will you testify about that?" Maureen asked. "It's a last ditch effort, but maybe it'll help."

It was only his desperation in trying to fix what he'd done to his own case that he agreed. He didn't want to hurt Mac by bringing that episode in her past up again, but he was a father facing the loss of his children; he'd do just about anything.

Maureen read the look, "Okay then. Let's do this."

Harm nodded. "It's all we've got left."

When Maureen and Harm returned to the court room he apologized for his disruption and gave Maureen a chance to paint Mic as the opportunist he was. Still, she knew their case was nearly dead. The judge allowed her to recall Harm as a final rebuttal witness and he was reminded his was still under oath. "Commander Rabb, can you describe for me the events of November 27, 2000?"

**Harm had just returned from an emergency diaper run and flat tire. Mac's mother had just left after an unexpected and disruptive visit and he'd wanted to get home to her as soon as he could. The fight with her Mom had left her in pieces and he knew she'd need him to put her back together. He expected tears when he returned but not what he saw. **

**Lucy, just over a year old was standing on the couch crying loudly as Mac snarled, "Be quiet! Be quiet!"**

**"What the hell's going on here?" he asked Mac as he quickly picked Lucy up and tried to comfort her.**

**"Not a whole Hell of a lot," Mac slurred as she dropped the beer bottle on the sofa.**

**"Oh, Mac," he sighed, so sad, so disappointed.** **"I'm going to put her down, then I'm making you a strong pot of coffee and we're going to talk, whether you like it or not."**

**"I don't care," she slurred. "Do what you want, you always do."**

**He took his daughter and settled her in bed, and then returned to the living room. "Mac," he said softly. "What happened?"**

**"My mother was here," she slurred. "And she left."**

**He took to the kitchen to make a fresh pot of coffee, and upon his return he sat beside his wife, reaching out to hold her. "Come here."**

**"No!" she snapped. "No!"**

**"Sarah," he said softly. "Please? You're hurting; please let me help take it away."**

**Mac gave a short laugh, "Take it away? You're just going to be like the rest of them. Just like everybody else."**

**"I'm not 'everybody else', sweetie," he said. "I'm your husband, and I love you more than anything, and I hate to see you like this."**

**"Then don't look," she replied. "Oh I forgot, if you didn't, you won't get to be the hero. Harmon Rabb to the rescue. Well, I don't need to rescued. I need..." She froze and reached for the bottle on the table.**

**He reached out and beat her to it, moving it far out of her reach. "This isn't the answer, Mac."**

**"Why not?** **It's the only thing that's never left me, never hurt me," she whispered. "I just..." Her eyes were starting to tear and spill over.**

**He grasped her shoulders and turned her body to face his. "I'll never leave you. I know I've hurt you in the past, but I'll never leave you." **

**With those tender words the sobs came, "I just want somebody to love me. I want my Mom to love me," she sobbed out to him. "Why can't she? I'm her baby, like Lucy and...I love her so much, why can't my Mommy love me?"**

**"Oh, Mac..." he said softly, pulling her in close, this time without her fighting him on it.**

**She cried into his chest for several minutes, "My Dad, as messed up as he was, he loved me in his own pathetic way. He tried you know?"**

**"Shh...I know," he soothed. "It's not your fault she left, baby. You think it is, but it's not."**

**Mac began to cry harder again, so hard she wasn't able to draw proper breath. "I don't feel well," she squeaked out after a few minutes.**

**"You wanna go lie down?" he asked.**

**"Gonna be sick," she managed.**

**"Kitchen it is!" he said, helping her up and to the kitchen trash can as fast as he could.**

**She made it by a hair before she became ill from the alcohol and the emotional pain. When she was finished she sagged against him, "Where is Lucy?"**

**"I put her to bed," he answered tenderly. "She's fine; she was scared."**

**Mac looked up at him with wet doe eyes, "I didn't hurt her, did I? I'm so sorry, Harm."**

**"She's not hurt," he assured her. "You're okay, too. You need some sleep, but you're okay."**

**Mac nodded, "Can you bring her to our bed? I want to hold her."**

**"Sure, sure I can," he said. "Go in and take a hot bath and get into those tattered pajamas you love so much, and I'll bring her in."**

**Mac raised her lips to his and kissed him, "Sometimes...Sometimes it is still hard for me to realize you love me."**

**He smiled. "I do, and I always will."**

**Mac with Harm's help went and got into a hot tub. While she soaked he cleaned up the mess in the living room. Just before he went to retrieve their baby daughter, there was a knock at the door.**

**He looked through the peephole and his stance stiffened as he spied the unwelcome caller on the other side. He undid the chain lock and opened the door slowly, finding himself standing face to face with his wife's estranged mother, Deanna Mackenzie.**

**"I want to see Sarah," she told him.**

**"Absolutely not!" he said. "Do you have any idea what your coming here has done to her? I came home this evening and found her drunk and heart broken, all because of you!"**

**"That's because of Joe," Deanna replied. "We're not finish talking. She's my daughter and I want to see her and my grandchild."**

**"You're not coming back in this house!" said Harm. Mac will contact you when, how and if she chooses, until then, goodbye!"**

**Deanna tried to push past him, "Who do you think you are? She's my daughter and I'll see her when I choose to see her."**

**"Not in this lifetime, Deanna!" he spat, easily pushing her back away from the door. "You need to leave before I call the cops. I mean it; don't push your luck."**

**That did it, Deanna turned and left, never to see Mac again.**

"At any time during this episode and the coming weeks, did you fear for your child's safety with her mother?" Maureen asked.

"There was some level of fear; worry perhaps," he answered.

"And you equated Colonel's Rabb alcoholism to stress?"

"Indeed," said Harm. "Her mother's visit was too much for her to handle effectively."

"And this situation, the end of her marriage, losing the only person she believed loved her unconditionally, in you assessment Commander, will that be too much for her to handle?" Maureen asked, winding up a brilliant fast ball pitch.

He looked down at his hands, at the vacant white space where his wedding band once sat. "Yes."

"No further questions."

Harm faced a second brutal cross by Mr. Johnston, then retired home with AJ. The next day would be the truthsayer. He'd know then if he lost his babies or not, if he did, he didn't know how he'd go on.

The following morning, Harm sat with his lawyer, Mac with her as the judge entered to render his decision. "Good morning. I am charged with a very difficult task, the task of choosing between two very loving and very capable parents. If I had my way, which I often do, these two people would happily share their children and call it a day. Alas, it is not my decision to say whether or not they should share, it is my decision to say which or these two will be the best overall caregiver for Lucille and David Rabb. Thus, I hereby award sole custodial responsibility to Sarah Mackenzie Rabb and order one weekend per month visitation to Commander Harmon Rabb to be carried out on the fourth Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of the month. So ordered.!" With that he banged his gavel and left the court room.

Mac leapt for joy, going to Mic's arms to celebrate her good fortune. For his part, Harm sat still, too devastated to move. Part of him was numb; another part was crumbling to dust as sure as the world was spinning round. He could do nothing at first except sit and stare into space, until Maureen brought him out of his emptiness.

She touched his shoulder, "We'll appeal. It's not over."

He looked up at her as his tears began to fall. "I can't lose them, they're all I have."

"We'll appeal," Maureen comforted.

"And if we lose again?"

She sighed, "We could. And you could lose visitation. If we file she'll probably try to revoke it all together."

He buried his head in his hands. "I can't believe this is happening," he said. "It's my fault; the way I went after Brumby."

"Its not your fault," she comforted. "These things happen. Why don't we go out for a bite to eat, we'll restrategize."

"Not hungry," he mumbled.

"Then watch me eat," she replied. "That is, assuming you want to fight her."

He looked up once again. "We have to."

"We don't have to," Maureen answered. "Most fathers don't. But it's your call."

"I can't lose them," he said again. "I lost Mac; I...I can't lose my kids."

"But you did," he heard from behind him, in Mic's Australian drawl.

Harm looked up at Mic, saying absolutely nothing. He just didn't have any fight left.

Maureen reached her hand down to him, "Come on. Let's get you out of here. Its been a rough morning."

Rising slowly, Harm followed his attorney out of the courtroom, the place his life had changed in so many unimaginable ways in such a short time.

In spite of her urging Harm just wanted to go home, back to AJ's. He went inside, walked past the retired Admiral, and went to his bed.


	53. Chapter 53

A/N: I asked my friend and co-writer Snugglebug to post a note about my irregular posts. I am going to try to post once or twice per week, but until my health and my fiance's improve and stay improved I can't promise. Thanks to all who have read and reviewed.

To those of you though, who seem to think it is okay to make vulgar and outrageous comments about where this story might be going, and you know who you are, please refrain from reviewing. If you need to express your opinion that badly, my e-mail address is listed under my profile. Contact me directly and I promise I'll reply. I promised a shipper ending, I did not promise that it would be moonlight and roses on the way. My own life now isn't moonlight or roses, and I have learned a few things from that. Nothing worth doing and nothing worth having is gotten easily. The struggles make you appreciate it all the more. Take that as you will, don't take anything for granted, and appreciate what you have. As for this story, you don't have to like it, you don't have to read it, but I do ask you respect the journey.

He didn't remember falling asleep that night when morning broke the following day, but he knew he did. He was still in his uniform shirt and pants, having shed the jacket on the chair by the door. He looked at the clock, it read 1007. He thought about getting up, and then decided not to bother. He clung tighter to his pillow and wallowed a little deeper in his own pity.

By noon time that day AJ arrived in his room, "Time to get up Commander. Daylight's burning."

"AJ, please," said Harm. "Just leave me alone. I don't feel like getting up."

AJ sat down beside him, "So you're just going to lie there for the rest of your life?"

"Maybe," replied the heartbroken father.

"And what am I going to tell Lucy and DJ?" he asked. "When they ask me why they have to play with me on visiting days because Daddy won't get out of bed."

With a reluctant sigh, Harm tossed the covers back and sat up. "There. Better?"

"Much," AJ replied. "Now get in the shower, there's breakfast and Maureen McAuliffe called twice."

"Yeah, yeah, okay," he mumbled, getting out of bed and going to grab clean boxers from the dresser.

"Harm?" AJ called. "I know it's hard, but it's not over unless you let it beat you. Chew on that." With that he left.

Meanwhile, in a house in Manassas Mac paced. "I need to call him."

"No, no way," said Mic. "We won, he lost, that's the way the game is played, Sarah. You know that; we both do."

"I just can't," Mac sighed. "He looked so broken, so...and his health right now..."

"For someone you're divorcing," said Mic. "You sure seem to love him an awful lot. Why so you care how he feels about this?"

"Because he gave me the two most precious gifts any man can ever give to a woman, my daughter and my son," Mac told him. "And...for their sake, I need Harm to be okay. It'll destroy our baby girl, especially if something happens to her Daddy."

Mic sighed. "I don't want you calling him. We need to communicate through the attorneys."

"I called his lawyer all ready," Mac answered. "She hasn't heard from him since. I have to do this Mic. For Lucy."

Mic shook his head. "Whatever. I think it's wrong, but you do whatever you're going to do."

"Mic, please support me in this," Mac asked, reaching for his hand. "I need your support."

He looked at her for a moment before a little smile broke on his face. "Okay, Sarah. Okay."

With shaking hands Mac dialed the number of AJ's home phone. The retired Admiral answered.

"Chegwidden."

"Hi, AJ," Mac greeted.

"Hello," said AJ. "What can I help you with?" He was definitely miffed about the way things went between his "children."

"I was wondering if I could speak to Harm," Mac said, sensing that AJ was not very happy with her.

"I'll see if he's awake," said the retired Admiral. He went to Harm's room, tapped him on the shoulder and handed him the phone. "It's Mac," he whispered.

Reluctantly, Harm took the phone and the call. "What?" he said into the receiver, foregoing the usual niceties for obvious reasons.

"Why are you still in bed?" Mac asked. "Its 1330."

"None of your business," he answered.

"I think it is," Mac replied. "Are you ill?"

"No, I'm not," he said, clearly annoyed. "Why are you even bothering me today? Didn't you do enough damage yesterday?"

Mac sighed, "I wanted to see how you were. I...I was worried about you."

"Yeah, okay," he scoffed.

"Its true," Mac insisted. "I know things didn't go the way you hoped and...you didn't react the way I expected."

"You took my kids away," he said. "What'd you want me to do? Stand up and rant and rave about it?"

"That's what I expected, not this...this complete withdrawal. You didn't even call the kids, he didn't say you couldn't call them," Mac sighed.

"I know I can call" he said. "I just didn't choose to do it yet."

Mac was silent a few more minutes. "Harm, we both know the Judge made the right choice. The kids are still babies, they need their Mommy."

"They need their Daddy too," he said. "There's a reason it takes both to make a baby, Mac; ever thought about that?"

"Of course I did," Mac replied. "Often. But...but there are things I can do for them, that you can't and..."

"You know what? Just save it," he said defensively. "All I can say is I'm so glad I didn't bring another baby into this world with you as its mother given that you can't take care of them half the time. I'll call the kids soon." With that, he hung up the phone and hid away in his bed once more.

Mac stared into the phone for five minutes before replacing it on the hook. Then she sank down sadly on the sofa.

"What's wrong, love?" asked Mic when he came in and saw her.

Mac shook her head and fought tears.

"Hey," he said softly, sitting beside her. "What happened? Did he upset you?"

Mac nodded, "Yes, but not how you'd expect. I...I feel bad that he's so depressed and...and of course he reminded me...we never had that baby we wanted and I still want another one and now I'll never have it."

"Oh, Sarah," he said, wrapping his arms around her. He was quiet for a few moments before asking her a very surprising question. "Would you consider...us having one together?"

"Mic," Mac sighed. "We've barely begun seeing each other and...it'll take a lot for us to have a baby, and the risks are astronomical," she sighed. "Maybe it's just not meant to be."

"Maybe not," he agreed. "But maybe it is."

Mac leaned back to study his face, "You're serious aren't you? You'd actually consider fertility treatments with me?"

"Yes, I would" he replied honestly. "I'd be more than thrilled if we could have a baby together; one of our own."

Mac smiled, "Can I think about it for a little bit?"

"Of course, love," he said softly, rubbing her arm as he spoke.

"Thank you," Mac sighed and leaned into him. "And thank you for being here with me through all this. It means a lot to me and I appreciate it."

He gave her a soft kiss on the lips. "You mean a lot to me, Sarah; that's why I'm here."

Mac returned Mic's gentle kiss with one of her own before cuddling into him again, resting her head on her chest, thankful for his strength to get her through this. Now all she needed to do was get through two more weeks.

Harm went to work, went to AJ's and went to sleep. That was his life for the next two weeks until it was finally the weekend he got to see his children. He'd spoken to them, but hadn't held them or played with them since the last bang of the gavel. Now though, it was time for him to pick them up.

He'd never been so happy to see anyone in his life as he was to see Lucy and DJ come running towards him as he entered the front door of the house.

Harm caught DJ in his arms first and hugged him tight. He reached for Lucy but she crossed her arms and recoiled.

"What's the matter, Button?" asked Harm.

"I don't want to go with you," she told him, blue eyes holding a coldness he'd only seen a few times before, never directed at him.

"How come?" he asked gently.

"Because you didn't want me," she said, her lip out so far now a bird could land on it.

"Oh, baby, that's not true at all," he replied softly. "The judge just decided that you should spend more time with Mommy than with me, but that doesn't mean I don't want you."

"Why don't you come visit?" she asked. "Like before."

He sighed; how could he possibly make her understand? "Because Mommy and Daddy aren't supposed to see each other very much, and since you live with Mommy, I don't come visit like I want to. Would you like me to come visit more often?"

Lucy nodded, "I want you to be my Daddy."

"I'll always be your Daddy, Lucy Bear," he said, opening his free arm to her, hoping she'd this time accept.

She did and began to cry once she was being held close. "I don't want Uncle Mic to stay here. I want you back here and I want..." She stopped chatting and started sobbing.

It broke his heart, but there was so little he could do. "I'm sorry, baby," he whispered. "Daddy's sorry."

At Lucy's cried Mac finally came out of the kitchen, "What's going on out here?" she asked softly, leaning down near to Lucy.

"I miss Daddy," sobbed the little girl.

"Oh," Mac soothed. "I know, but Daddy's here now and you get to spend the whole weekend with him at Uncle AJ's house."

Lucy nodded, beginning to calm down. "Can we play in the yard?" she asked her father, looking up at him, tears still slowly falling.

Harm nodded, "Sure we can. But for now you have to run and get your stuff, okay?"

Lucy ran off to get her little bag, and DJ toddled after her. "She's having a hard time."

"Can't imagine why," he said sarcastically.

"Can we at least try to be civil?" Mac asked him. "For their sake."

With a sigh, he nodded.

"She's having a hard time," Mac said again.

"All kids do when this happens," replied Harm. "We have to do everything we can to help get her through it."

Mac nodded, "She's been sleeping with me and she's been sick again. Sinus infection. Watch out incase she has a nosebleed, she's had a few of those."

He nodded. "I'll watch her."

"Thank you, oh and maybe you can speak to her about how she's treating Mic," Mac said easy. "She's really disrespecting him and she's not listening to me."

He gave her a look at first as if to say "Yeah, what're the odds I'm gonna help you with that?" but soon agreed with a reluctant sigh.

Soon the children were back and with DJ in his arms and Lucy's hand in his Harm took his babies to the truck. He drove to AJ's house with them and played with them and cared for them that night. He put Lucy to bed and DJ kissing each child before he retired himself only to be woken three hours later to Lucy's screams.

"What's wrong?" he asked as he ran in to check on her.

"I had a nightmare," she whispered holding tight to her Pooh bear.

He took her into his lap and kept her close. "Tell Daddy about it."

"It was...Mommy went away," she sniffled. "And I had to stay with Uncle Mic."

He squeezed her tight. "I know that seemed scary, but Mommy isn't going to go away."

"You did," Lucy whispered and burrowed closer in spite of those words.

"But whenever you need me," he said softly, "I'll always be there. I promise."

Lucy looked up at her Daddy, big blue eyes shining with tears. "I need you when...when he's yelling at me and when..."

"When he's what, baby?" encouraged Harm.

"When I'm getting punished," she whispered.

"Uncle Mic punishes you?" inquired the concerned father.

Lucy nodded, "Yes. He yells and yells at me until Mommy tells him to stop it. I don't want to be bad, but I can't help it."

He held his baby girl extra tight. "I know, sweetie. We're all bad sometimes, even Daddy."

"And Uncle Mic too?" Lucy asked.

"Mm-hmm," he answered.

"Can I sleep in your bed?" Lucy asked. "I don't wanna sleep by myself."

"Sure," he answered, kissing the top of her head. "Come on, let's go get some sleep."

The weekend went all too quickly for the Rabb children and their father. On Saturday, Harm took DJ and Lucy to see the ships at Norfolk, then for Chinese food. On Sunday, he helped Lucy with her math, then they watched a Disney movie until it was time for them to go. The knock at the door that day was like an arrow through Harm's heart.

Rising from his seat on the couch, he went to let Mac in. Imagine his amazement when instead, Mic was at the door.

"What're you doing here?" he asked.

"I'm here to get the children," Mic replied. "Hey, munchkins," he greeted. "Get your coats."

DJ sat and stared, then muttered, "No coat."

"Come on, buddy," said Harm, grabbing DJ's coat off the back of the couch. "Time to go."

"Mommy?" he asked. "I want Mommy."

Lucy for her part pulled her legs up into her chest and stayed on the sofa.

"You're going to go see Mommy," said Harm, hating to have to send his children with Mic. "Get your coats on and you can go see her, okay?"

DJ relented with his father's promise of Mommy, but Lucy locked her arms around her knees and said, "I'm not going."

"Baby, you have to go," said Harm. "You can come see me again soon, I promise."

"I don't want to go with him," Lucy answered. "I'm not going."

With a sigh, Harm offered a compromise. "How about if I drive you? Would that be better?"

"I'll drive her, Harm," Mic interjected. "You had your turn. Lucy, come on now, don't act up."

"If she's upset about going with you," insisted Harm, "I'll drive her." He left no room for debate.

"I don't want to go home, I want to stay here," Lucy whimpered and began to cry. "I miss you Daddy, I don't like him. I don't want to be with him. I hate him and I hate Mommy."

"Hey, hey, Lucy," soothed Harm. "Don't say those things, they're not nice to say. I know you don't wanna go, but you have to right now. Remember, the judge said you have to spend some time with me and some time with Mommy."

"But I don't see you ever and I see Mommy all the time," Lucy sobbed. "It's not fair. I want to stay here. I want to stay with you. Daddy, please." She begged and dissolved into full fledged sobs. Inexplicably at the same time, DJ turned on Mic and kicked him square in the shin, before working his way to his cry sister, "Don't cry."

"Come here, Button," he said after a moment, picking his daughter up and holding her close.

"Please, let me stay here," she begged as Mic scolded DJ gently for kicking him.

He once again felt as if his heart would break. "Oh, Luce...you can't stay, sweetheart. I'm sorry; I love you so much, but you have to go back to Mommy's house for now."

"With Mommy," Lucy told him.

"Mommy didn't come today," said Harm. "You need to go with Mic."

"NO!" Lucy shouted and clung tighter to Harm. "I don't want to go with him. I want you and Mommy. I don't like him. He's mean!"

Mic approached them then, "Lucy, enough now. Let's go," he reached out and tried to remove her from Harm's arms to take her into his own. "We'll go for ice cream, eh?"

"No," cried the little girl. "I just want my Daddy!"

"Lucy," Mic sighed. "Enough. Let's go," he pulled at her a little harder. The harder he pulled the tighter she held on.

"I'm gonna follow you over," Harm told Mic. "I'm not gonna make her go with you like this."

"The court says, Friday evening to Sunday afternoon. It is afternoon. You drive her, you're in breech," Mic told him. "You take her, you never see her again."

"Then call Mac to come get her!" said Harm firmly. "She's not going with you like this; I won't allow it!"

"Mac is busy, that's why I'm here. Lucy, let's go and get you're coat now!" Mic barked.

Harm reached for Lucy's coat and draped it over her shoulders as she remained in his arms. "I'll carry her out," he said to Mic.

Mic nodded and took DJ's hand. "Lucy sad," he told Mic.

They walked as a group to Mic's car, and as Mic got DJ settled, Harm took to the chore of prying Lucy off his shoulder so he could strap her into her booster seat.

"Daddy, please!" she cried. "Please let me stay. I won't be bad. Please."

He swallowed hard and blinked back his tears. "I'm sorry, baby girl."

"Why don't you want me to stay?" she asked, big blue eyes leaking tears.

"It's not up to me, sweetie," he said softly as he buckled the last of the straps.

"Daddy!" she started to cry out as he rose once her strap was buckled. "Daddy! Daddy!" Lucy continued to cry for him, screaming his title as Mic started the car, and as they began to drive away. When the car stopped at the stop sign at the corner, he could still see her bucking in her seat and feel more than hear he cries for him.

He held himself together until he got back in the house and made it to his bedroom, where he flopped down face-first and cried out what was left of his broken heart.

An hour later, the phone rang.

"Harm?" Mac's hoarse voice came over the line. "Harm, it's me." She was crying.

"Mac? What's wrong?" he asked.

"It's Lucy," she manages as her voice hitched again.

"Is she okay?" he asked, beginning to panic. "What happened to her?"

"She's okay, but she's been screaming for you for the last ninety one minutes," Mac told him. "I don't know...what happened today?"

He sighed. "She didn't wanna leave. Didn't wanna go with Mic."

"He doesn't hurt her Harm, believe me," Mac replied. "But...she's so sad. I'm not sure if..."

"Go on," he prodded.

"I don't think they should be picked up. I think it would be best from now on if you bring them home," she said.

He thought for a moment. "Yeah, maybe so."

"You sound sick," Mac said. "Are you sick? Is the bronchitis flaring up?"

"Dunno," he replied, feeling more hurt and tired than anything.

"Well you take care of yourself okay," Mac sighed. "How's the blood pressure?"

"Dunno that either," he said.

"You're supposed to get it checked twice a week," Mac sighed. "Harm, I know things suck right now, they do for me too, but please, take care of yourself. You won't be any good to Lucy or DJ if you have a heart attack or worse a stroke. You did have a minor stroke..."

"I had a TIA," he corrected. "That's not a stroke."

"Well, it certainly scared me near to death, and Lucy and DJ need a Daddy," Mac pressed.

"And they have one," he said plainly. "I'm fine."

"Okay, well, I'll see you next month," Mac told him. "Get the pressure checked. For them."

"Yeah," he said unenthusiastically.

With a sigh, Mac ended the call.


	54. Chapter 54

A/N: Here's Chapter 54! Once again thank you to Snugglebug. You're a gem! Look for our first completely joint effort to be out in a few days…A holiday story!

A month later, following a weekend of fun with their Daddy, it was time for Lucy and DJ to go back to Mac's house. As discussed, Harm drove them back as opposed to having anyone pick them up, hoping this would make things easier on Lucy.

However it did not, it was only worse as she sobbed and cried for her father until she was sick to her stomach, begging him not to go and physically trying as much as her tiny body could prevent him from going.

After that scene, Lucy dozed off to sleep and DJ was happily playing with his boats at Mac and Mic's feet. Mac sat down and began to cry.

"Hey," said Mic, putting an arm around her. "What's wrong, love?"

"It hurts her so much," Mac sobbed. "So much."

"I know," he soothed. "It's hard to see her cry like that, but don't be sad. We have plenty to be happy about, right?"

"She's my baby, Mic," Mac sobbed. "And she's hurting. Maybe, I made a mistake."

"What kind of mistake?" Mic asked nervously.

"Maybe she needs to see him more," Mac suggested.

"In time, perhaps," he said. "But for now I think once a month is really all she can handle."

"I think its all he can handle too," Mac sighed and leaned over to be cuddled.

"So what do you think of things from Friday afternoon?" he asked, keeping her close. "What do you think we should start with?" That past Friday, Mic and Mac had consulted Dr. Bradley for their fertility options.

"Can we deal with one topic at a time?" Mac asked. "He doesn't seem right, does he?" she asked him, meaning Harm.

"I'm sure he's fine," insisted Mic as he ignored her request. "I think we should try on our own for awhile, eh?"

Mac shook her head.

"How come?" he asked.

"The...the frequency required to achieve a pregnancy is...too much...for me," Mac told him.

"Oh, come one now," he scoffed. "Too much? For you? I find that hard to believe, my love..."

"It hurts sometimes okay," Mac told him. "I don't think I could handle sex three or four times a day for three days. I just can't."

"Well then," he said. "What do you think we should do?"

"I think we go with the insemination," Mac told him. "Its easy to do, not overly expensive and that way we can still enjoy intimate moments."

"I like the sound of that last part," he replied with a sly grin as he leaned in and kissed. her.

DJ made his feelings on that subject known, "Yucky!"

Mic laughed. "Oh, buddy, someday you won't think that."

DJ climbed up in Mic's lap and gave him a hug, "Play boats?" he asked.

"Sure, pal," he replied. "Where should we play?"

"Here," DJ told him and pointed to the floor where he'd been playing. "Fly plane," he told Mic and handed it to him. Harm always "flew" DJ's planes.

"Okay," said Mic, taking the small fighter jet in his hand and flying it around.

Mac smiled as Mic and her son played. DJ had warmed to Mic, was beginning to see him a father figure. If only Lucy could do the same. Mac walked to her daughter's room and sat down on her bed, wiping the hair away from her face. Lucy stirred.

"Mommy?" she asked.

"Yeah, baby," Mac smiled. "Did you have a good nap?"

"Mmhmm," answered the little girl. "I'm still kinda sleepy though."

"Lucy, can you answer me a question?" Mac asked. "Two questions?"

"Okay, Mommy," she said.

"Mommy would like to know why you cry so much when it is time to leave Daddy?" Mac asked. "Is Mommy doing something to upset you?"

She shook her head. "I just miss Daddy."

"I know, Baby," Mac replied. "Do you think maybe you shouldn't go visit him for abit. Maybe get used to not seeing him so much?"

"But I miss him," she said, her bottom lip beginning to quiver.

Mac pulled Lucy close, "I know. But Mommy wants for you not to hurt. That's all. That's all," as she began to rock.

Lucy clung to Mac. "I love you, Mommy," she whispered.

Mac kissed Lucy's hair, "I love you too, Lucy Bear. So you want to go see Daddy next..." Mac paused as the phone rang.

"Sarah!" Mic called. "Pick up. It's General Cresswell!"

Leaving Lucy in her bed, Mac went across the hall and took the call. "Hello, Sir?"

"Mac, can you meet me at Bethesda?" he asked.

"Uh, sure, Sir," Mac replied. "May I ask why?"

"Commander Rabb has just been taken there. He collapsed in his office a half hour ago," the General replied.

"Oh my God," Mac gasped. "I'll be right there, Sir! Thank you."

"Mic!" Mac called. "Mic I have to go. Watch the kids."

"Go where?' asked Mic.

"To Bethesda. Harm's collapsed at the office," Mac said in a rush. "Where are my keys?"

"At the office?" asked Mic, rising from the floor to help her find her keys. "But it's Sunday."

"The General said at the office," Mac said. "Where are they, I have to get to him. I..."

"Here," he said, pulling the keys out from beneath a stack of newspapers.

"Don't let Lucy know a thing," Mac warned.

Mic nodded. "Call when you know anything," he said.

Mac nodded and with a firm kiss was out the door.

Mac rushed through the double hospital doors and saw Harm's CO standing at the nurses' station in civilian attire. He was drinking coffee and watching a door across the hall and the entranceway alternately. "Sir!" Mac called when she saw him. "Sir, how is he?"

"Don't know yet, Colonel," answered the General. "They're still doing some testing."

"What happened?" she asked out of breath. "Did he have pain? Were you there? Did you see it happen?"

The General nodded. "I saw it, yes. I didn't know what happened, just that something did."

"Did he say anything?" Mac asked wanting some idea of what had landed Harm in the hospital.

"No, he didn't," replied Creswell. "I sensed he wasn't feeling too well when I first saw him come into the office, but I didn't realize he was as sick as he apparently is. Do you know if anything is going on with him medically?"

"He's been struggling with the bronchitis," Mac replied. "But lately his blood pressure has been all over the place. I know he hasn't been taking care of it..."

"That blood pressure stuff is nothing to mess with," stated the General bluntly. "A cousin of mine had BP issues, didn't keep on top of them and now he's half paralyzed from a stroke."

_"Okay," Mac smiled. "Here we go, home sweet home," Mac smiled as she pushed Harm's chair into their living room. It had been two months since his right side had been paralyzed from a stroke and in that time they'd healed some of the wounds left bleeding after their divorce, though they'd yet to remarry. "How you doing?"_

_He shrugged his left side. "Okay, I guess."_

_"You sound really good now," she smiled. "So much better than when you were in the hospital."_

_"Thanks..." he managed to get out, speaking still difficult and slurring still commonplace._

_"Do you want anything? Something to eat or drink?" she asked. "Lucy and DJ will be here in an hour."_

_"Dr...drink," he stammered. "Water."_

_"Okay," Mac smiled again and went to get his a glass of water, making sure she brought the soft white cloth she'd need to catch any drops that escaped the paralyzed side of his mouth. She held the cup out to him. "Here."_

_He took it in his left hand and drank from it slowly, hoping to minimize the mess. Still a little did end up running down his chin._

_Mac gently reached out to wipe the drops off his chin, "Messy, Sailor," she lightly teased._

_He smiled as best he could anymore. "Some th...things never change."_

_Mac knelt before him, reached out and took both hands, "Hold my hands, Harm," she told him._

_He squeezed her right hand warmly with his left, but the other remained lifeless as he looked down at it._

_"Try Harm," she pushed. "Come on."_

_He looked up at her and did his best to get his stubborn right hand to respond. After a moment, sighed and looked down at the floor._

_"Its okay," Mac smiled. "Soon. You'll be up and around before you know it."_

_"Not looking forward...to that," he said._

_"You're not looking forward to getting better?" Mac asked. "Why not?" This was said so softly as both of her thumbs massaged his hands._

_"Better, yeah," he said. "All the...pain, no."_

_"Pain?"_ _Mac asked. "Yes, there will be pain, but I'm gonna be here for you. We're gonna make it through this together. You'll see."_

_He looked once more down at the floor and then back up at her. "But when I'm better...I'm out of...here. I don't want...that."_

_"Hey, we came a long way since this all happened," Mac told him. "Didn't we? I for one...part of me is glad it happened."_

_He looked at her as if she'd grown a second head. "You don't understand?" she asked to clarify his feelings._

_"I do," he said. "Just think there...must have been a better...way than this."_

_"Maybe," Mac nodded. "But the bright side of this is that we're together again. I want to be with you Harm, in sickness and in health too. We really did terrific job of messing up our marriage, I want something good to come of this, and even if you never get out of this chair, I want us to say it was worth it because we found our way back to each other. We did, didn't we?" she asked._

_Again, he smiled. "Yeah, we did."_

_"I still love you Harm," Mac told him leaning a bit closer. "Please?"_

_He hesitated at first, but something about having her so close to him was more than he could resist. He leaned up to kiss her, and though his kisses had changed with his illness, the love behind them hadn't._

"I should be that lucky," Mac mumbled aloud without realizing it.

"What was that, Colonel?" asked Creswell.

"Nothing, Sir," Mac replied.

He nodded. "The doctor should be out soon."

Just then Harm's doctor did appear, "General, Sir," he greeted. "Is this..."

"This is his children's mother," said the General matter-of-factly.

"How is he doctor?" Mac asked.

"He's come around," the doctor replied. "As of right now he's suffering from a speech deficit and partial right hemipelgia. His testing is negative though, so we suspect it is similar to the episode in his chart here. Would you like to see him?"

She nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, I would."

Mac was led back to Harm's room. He was lying in bed surrounded and propped on pillows, facing the wall. Mac walked in slowly, "Hi."

He didn't acknowledge her save for the pitiful "hi" he gave in return.

Mac moved to sit next to him, "How are you feeling?" she asked putting herself in his line of vision speaking softly and tenderly as she has in her dream.

"Bad," he answered softly, weakly.

"I know," Mac nodded and reached for him. "Do you know what happened?"

"Same...thing," he spit out.

"Harm, talk to me," she urged. "Please. I know things are hard for you and I know...why aren't you taking care of yourself?"

"Like you...care," he huffed.

"I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't care Harm," Mac told him and took his right hand. "Squeeze," she told him.

"Go...away," he said.

"No," Mac said firmly. "I'm not going anywhere. You are still Lucy and DJ's Daddy and I still care about you very much. I don't like what's happened, but it's happened. Now we have to move on and live with it. Can you squeeze my hand?" Mac asked again.

Reluctantly, he put forth some effort and squeezed her hand like she asked him to.

"Now please tell me why you aren't taking care of yourself. I know talking is hard so take your time, but I'm not leaving here until we talk," Mac told him. "And I'm not leaving you until you're fine again."

His eyes instantly said "no" to the idea of her remaining with him until he recovered. "No, Mac," he said. "No...You need to take ca...care of the kids, not...me."

"And how do you think the kids will feel if I leave you like this?" Mac asked. "Hmm?"

She was right. "I'll be...fine soon. Don't...worry about me."

"I am," she insisted. "I'm so worried about you. The Admiral says all you do is sleep, work and sleep that's it. And now after you drop off our children you land in a hospital with a major blood pressure related event. If it's too much, say so."

"Not," he said. "I'll be...fine."

Mac nodded, "Can I do anything for you while I'm here? Would you like anything?"

He was silent for a moment. "Water."

Mac released his hand and poured him a glass of water. "Need help?"

"No, I got it," he said, taking the cup and sipping carefully from the straw.

Mac sat with Harm until she saw his eyes starting to droop, "You feeling better? Anymore strength?"

"Not really," he said. "Kind of...hurts now."

"That's good," Mac smiled. "That means the numbness is going away. You feeling sleepy? You look sleepy."

"Yeah," he whispered.

"Would you like me stay with you while you sleep?" Mac asked. "Or sit with the General?"

"General," he said, wanting to be alone in his misery.

Mac nodded, "I'll be outside when you wake up," she told him and rose to leave.

"How is he, Colonel?" the General asked the moment he saw her.

"Tired and depressed," she sighed. "Says he's got a bit of pain now, too."

"He's very lucky," the general sighed. "Mac...can I...since the divorce he's been doing worse."

She unconsciously fidgeted with her now bare left ring finger. "I know. He's taking things really hard, things with the kids especially. He has to take better care of himself, for their sake if not his own."

"I've been thinking, but I don't want to upset your children...I've been thinking of transferring him temporarily," the General told her.

Mac nodded pensively. "It might be something to consider if this is how he's going to be staying where he is."

"I don't want a dead officer and at this rate that's what I'm going to have," the general sighed. "Speaking freely now, for God's sake, once a month, Colonel?"

"It seemed right at the time," she defended. "Now, though...maybe not so much."

"If I decide on a transfer, he'd be TAD to recruitment at one of America's law schools. It would be a break for him," the general told her. "I just don't want to upset Lucy or DJ, is that right?"

"Yes, Sir," Mac said. "If you feel it'd be best for him, I'm...I'm all for it."

"All right then," he nodded. "When the Commander is better I'll discuss it with him. The only reason I spoke to you about it is because of the children. We'll do it on a trial basis, fall semester."

"That sounds good, Sir," said Mac. "Anything to help him..." She sighed, unsure of everything she felt inside for the man she so brutally divorced. All she knew was that for the children's sake, he had to be okay. He just had to.

"I'll sit with the Commander, you need to sign some papers then you can go," Cresswell told her.

"Thank you, Sir," she said before starting towards the desk. "He'll be okay, right, Sir?"

"The doctor said his Catscan was negative," Cresswell replied. "He should wake up tomorrow or even later tonight just fine. Bring his daughter by to see him tomorrow." He said it as if it was an order.

"I will, Sir," she replied, and with that she took her leave.

The next day found Harm doing noticeably better. He was sitting up in bed, having just finished picking at the tray of food the hospital cafeteria provided, when the General arrived.

"Good morning, Sir," said Harm, voice showing marked fatigue.

"Good morning, Commander," the General greeted. "How are you feeling today?"

"Tired, Sir," answered Harm, leaning his head back against the pillow.

"You scared a lot of people yesterday, Commander," the General scolded. "Me included."

"My apologies, Sir," said Harm. "I haven't been at my best lately."

"I've noticed that, Commander and that has set me to thinking about something," Cresswell said.

Harm looked at his CO. "I'm listening, General."

"I'm thinking of giving you orders to Utah," the general told him. "We're recruiting from the top 50 law schools in the country and I think the calmer atmosphere and the less stressful way of recruiting might give you the break you need to get back on your feet."

"Utah, Sir?" asked Harm. "What would my duties be?"

"Observing and evaluating mock trials and court martial in their legal practices and procedures courses mostly, and make JAG sound like an appealing option to young legal eagles," the general outlined. "Should be easy for you to do."

Harm nodded softly in thought. "I'd...It'd mean leaving my kids."

The general nodded, "This is not an order. It's an idea. You are under a good amount of stress and that stress is affecting your health. That could upset your kids. And what is the custody arrangement, once a month?"

"That's right, Sir," said Harm sadly.

"They could come out and see you there then," the general provided. "And at any rate, it's only until the middle of December, to give you time to regroup if you will."

Once more, Harm nodded. "I'll give it some serious thought, General."

That moment, there was a familiar little call from the doorway. "Daddy?"

"Hi, Lucy," Harm sighed and turned his head to see his daughter. He sounded exhausted even to her young ears.

The little girl walked in apprehensively, followed closely behind by Mac. She didn't say anything more until she reached Harm's bedside. "Are you sick?"

Harm nodded slowly, "Yeah, Daddy's a little bit sick," he admitted. "But I'm going to be okay. Wanna come up to me?"

She nodded and carefully climbed into the bed, snuggling in close as she was able

"Wow, you sound much better today," Mac smiled. "Do you feel better?"

"Some, I guess," he replied before Lucy looked up in confusion. "Did you sound bad before?" she asked.

Harm thought about how he could explain, "Well, Lucy," he began. "Yesterday Daddy has a very bad headache, you know like you get sometimes?" he asked to make sure she was understanding.

The child nodded.

"Well when Daddy's head was hurting, something inside it stopped working for a bit, like a vacation…" he paused again.

"It stopped working?" The look in her eyes showed uncertainty.

Harm nodded, "It took a break, like when it's a Monday and Daddy stays home from work," Harm clarified.

"Okay." said Lucy, still not sure what to really think.

"And when that happened," Harm sighed. "Daddy had a really hard time talking. I could talk, but it was hard work for a while and it was hard to understand what I was saying."

She looked her father in the eye as her own eyes filled with tears. "You couldn't talk?" she asked in a sad whisper.

"I could," he told her. "But is was very hard for me for a little bit and I got really tired, but I'm okay now."

Lucy didn't buy it. She burst into hysterics and buried her face against Harm's chest.

"Lucy?" Harm asked gently. "Its okay, Button. Its okay," he soothed. "Daddy's fine now. I'm just fine."

Mac moved in and started to stroke Lucy's long thick hair as the General excused himself.

Lucy heard what her Daddy said, but continued to sob without ceasing.

"Lucy, Daddy is okay now," Mac told her. "Mommy saw him yesterday and today he is all better. I promise."

"He couldn't talk!" sobbed the child, her cries replaced momentarily by her cough.

"Lucy, Lucy..." Mac soothed. "Ssh. Come to Mommy. Come here."

As Harm lay on the bed he could feel his pressure begin to rise. He felt his face grow warm and his head begin to pound.

"Mac," he said, feeling flush and beginning to sweat.

"What?" Mac asked. "What is it? Harm?" she asked quickly while taking their crying daughter away from him and holding her close

"My head," he whispered, closing his eyes and resting against the pillow.

Mac reached for the call button, "How's your side?" she asked. "Take slow breaths."

"Daddy!" sobbed Lucy. "Daddy, don't be sick!"

"Lucy," Mac said gently as the monitor attached to Harm's arm started to beep loudly as his stress level rose. "Lucy go stand with General Cresswell," Mac told her as a nurse entered the room. They could see the general outside.

"Easy, Commander," the nurse soothed injecting something into his IV. "Calm down. Calm down."

"Daddy!" cried Lucy as she stood next to the General.

The hardnosed Marine saw his own daughter in the tiny Rabb girl and lifted her up to console her as Harm's doctor appeared and closed them out of the room.

"Harm?" Mac asked gently as the nurse administered a shot and his doctor took a manual blood pressure.

He looked at her, panic in his eyes.

She reached out and offered her his hand on his right side.

He took it without thinking; the fact remained that having her nearby was comforting to him.

Mac smiled, "What's happening?"

"Commander Rabb's blood pressure is rising to a critical level. We've given him medicine to bring it back down," he told her. "What brought this on?" He asked it of Harm.

"My little girl is..." he began, taking a pause to catch his breath. "Upset."

The doctor nodded, "Commander, do you realize you nearly died on us yesterday. If your CO hadn't gotten you in here when he did...You have to avoid stress and change your lifestyle in order to assist us in getting your blood pressure under control. You must do this. Now, I'll leave you with Mrs. Rabb. Keep him calm," he ordered and left.

Harm looked over at Mac, his hand still in hers. "I'm sorry."

"This is not your fault," she told him. "I shouldn't have brought her."

He shook his head gently. "I wanted to see her."

Mac smiled, "I know. I don't hear her, I bet the General is telling her stories."

"I bet he is," whispered Harm. "Go see if she's okay."

Mac stepped outside for a few minutes then returned to Harm smiling.

"She okay?"

Mac nodded, "I don't know how he did it but she's smiling and eating ice cream," Mac told him. "Actually I do know how and I'm not sure I agree with it, but...it worked.

Harm smiled a little. "Bribery has its place in the world."

"You doing better?" Mac asked.

"Mmhmm," he answered. "Mac...we need to talk about something the General told me."

Mac nodded, she all ready knew but she'd indulge him. "What?"

"He offered me the chance to get a break from things here" he said softly. "TAD to Utah until December."

"And?" Mac asked.

He sighed. "I'm gonna do it. I can't let this happen again; Lucy, she... I need to go."

Mac nodded slowly, "I think you do as well. I want you to be okay Harm. We put each other through Hell..."

"Oh, I beg to differ," he spat. "You took my kids away from me; you put me through far more hell than I-"

Mac's response at first was one of worry, "Harm, are you okay?"

"Yeah, just great," he replied sarcastically, feeling the hurt from that awful day in court all over again.

"I'm trying to be nice. I still care about what happens to you," Mac told him, her voice getting a slight edge.

"Only for the kids sake," he said, having long ago convinced himself Mac didn't care about him anymore.

"Maybe," she replied.

"Better take Lucy and go home before she gets upset at you, too" he said bitterly.

"Don't you want to say goodbye to her?" Mac asked.

He nodded briefly. "Bring her in."

Mac brought Lucy in and Harm reassured her that he'd see her when he was out of the hospital and that he'd be just fine really soon. She smiled and put a butterfly kiss on his cheek before leaving with her Mommy for home.


	55. Chapter 55

A/N: Sorry for the delay. I put this on hold for my other story with Snugglebug, A Season for Love. We then got tied down with real life as my fiance's health continues to decline. I ask your prayers for him.

Enjoy this chapter…

Harm was kept in the hospital for another day, and then was let out with a stronger prescription and orders to avoid stress as best he could. The new assignment away from the pain of everything they had gone through since May would serve to do that. He'd leave just before Lucy's birthday.

Mac did not bring Lucy to see Harm once he was discharged. The little girl's school resumed and she occupied herself with that, though she did miss her Daddy and would cry to her mother for him at night. Mic and Mac were growing closer much to Lucy's dismay for as nice as Mic could be; he was just not her Daddy.

Mic and Mac decided once Lucy had gone back to school and had for the most part become used to her life as it was it was time to start working for a baby of their own.

"Mic, Sarah," Dr. Bradley sighed. "I warned you both, and Sarah I've warned you previously of the enormous risk carrying a baby is for you given the type and extent of your endometriosis."

"Yes, you have," agreed Mac. "But we've talked about it and it's something we both feel strongly about proceeding with."

"Okay, well have you discussed the options I outlined for you and Commander Rabb with your new, uh, friend?" Dr. Bradley asked.

Mic shifted uneasily in his seat as Mac continued the conversation. "I have," she replied. "We're okay with sticking to the previous plan."

"Yes, that's right," answered Mic.

"Mr. Brumby, do you understand your part of the treatment?" he asked. "You'll have to submit to a test for sperm count, and then give a sperm donation that we'll use to inseminate Sarah."

"I think I can handle that," he said with a cocky grin as he looked at Mac and winked.

"Sarah, I would be remiss as your doctor if I did not express my concern for you in this endeavor. The walls of your uterus are very badly scarred, the tissue is weak...If you become pregnant, carrying to term would be very risky. I'd want you to stop working as soon as the child is conceived."

"Oh, that's what I want her to do anyway, doc," said Mic. "No worries there, eh love?" he asked, looking again at Mac.

"Well, we hadn't really talked about that yet Mic," Mac replied. "But doctor if that's what you feel is best..."

"It is. This is a high risk pregnancy at any rate given your age, Sarah, but...you must avoid stress at all costs during your term. Is that clear?" he asked seriously.

The doctor nodded again and they set up an appointment for all the preliminary testing. Mic and Mac left the doctor's office and walked down the block to the pizza buffet they both loved. "Mic, are you really serious about me quitting work?"

"You bet," he said. "I want you to stay home and be a mother, that's the most important thing to me."

"I've been a mother for almost six years and I managed to work most of that time," Mac replied taking a bit of her pizza.

"It'll be different with us," stated Mic. "I want you home, not splitting your focus between being a mother and being a Marine. I've always envisioned my little lady being at home with our babies."

"Mic, I'm probably only going to be able to have one more baby," Mac told him. "Harm and I always wanted four, but with my health like it is..."

He shook his head. "Don't think like that, Sarah. We'll get our miracles, as many as we want."

"Mic, I have to think like that. I have two other children who need their Mommy alive and well. Maybe this baby is too big a risk," Mac sighed.

"That's why I want you to stay home" explained Mic, popping a bite of pepperoni into his mouth. "Less stress in your life will be better for your health."

Mac acknowledged that, "Harm asked me to do this a few times before," she sighed.

He shook his head. "No, I want you home, Sarah. I think it'll be better for the baby and for us if you just stay home and concentrate on being a mother. I don't want you under any more stress than you have to be, honest I don't."

"What about Lucy and DJ?" Mac asked. "Can you support me, a new baby, and the two of them on one salary?"

"I don't have to support Lucy and DJ," he said, a hint of anger to his voice. "They have a father who pays child support for that."

"Not nearly enough to give them anything they may desire," Mac replied.

"I'm sure we can live on one salary, Sarah," he stated. "Millions of families do it every day, I'm sure we can join the ranks."

"Mic, something has been bothering me," Mac began, tabling the not working issue for the time being, though she admitted, being home with all her children would be wonderful.

"Spit it out, love," he said, taking a bite of his fifth slice of pizza.

"Harm is leaving for Utah in six days," Mac sighed. "Lucy and DJ are going to need a Dad here, in Virginia. And I'm wondering can you...will you love them as your own children?"

He had to find an answer, and fast. "Of course I will, love," he said, knowing in his heart he'd really have to work on it, on loving the children of the man who was his worst competition for Mac's affection from day one.

Softly Mac smiled, "That makes me very happy, Mic," she answered. "And I will consider leaving the corp, I really will. I promise."

"That's my girl," he said, leaning across the table to give her a kiss.

**Utah**

Harm sat on the plane en route to Utah, staring sadly out the window as he thought back on everything that had gotten him to that point. He thought about Annie, about all the ways he could have done everything differently and she never would've been a part of his life again, even for a short while. He thought about his children, how much he'd miss them while he was away, but he knew he needed to go. Mostly, he thought of Mac, of every terrible thing they'd said and done to one another in the preceding year...and how he'd take it all back if only he could.

He thought also about how things had ended between the two of them before he left. They'd been so ugly to each other, it was as if every ounce of hurt they'd felt was thrown at the other one with as much force as possible. The children had to witness this emotional massacre, and by the time it drew to a close, they were in tears and having to hug and kiss their father goodbye only added to their pain.

The Dean of the law school sent a small delegation of students to greet Harm at the airport and help him get situated in his new apartment. "Well, here it is, Sir," a tall young man of about 23 years old said as he helped Harm carry his bags. "Fully furnished."

"It looks great," said Harm. "Thank you...what was your name again?"

"Jason, Sir," he replied. "Jason Bryant. And that's William," he pointed to a short stocky dark haired boy. "And he's Randy." Randy was a short, spike haired red head.

"Nice to meet you all," said Harm, extending his hand to each of them. "I'm Commander Rabb."

"We know, Sir," Jason replied. "Guys, get the rest of the Commander's bags. Move it, move it."

The two younger men moved to retrieve Harm's things. "So...I heard you are divorced?"

Harm looked surprised. "Yes, I am, but how did you know?"

"Nothing much is a secret on campus, Sir," Jason replied. "I'm really looking forward to finding out about JAG." He reached into his wallet and handed Harm a card. "This the address of the church around his area. I go there too. I hope maybe I'll see you there before Monday. It's real easy to make friends there."

Harm slipped the card into his pocket. "Thank you, that's good to know."

"No pressure," Jason smiled. "Lots of the folks on campus aren't really into religion, but a lot are too." William and Randy returned jus then with the last of Harm's stuff. "Hey, do you like to ski?"

"Love to," said Harm.

Jason handed him another card, "A bunch of us from church are going to go up to my uncle's ski cabin next weekend. There are a lot of professors in our ward too. Maybe you'd like to go?"

"It's a few hours up," Randy told him. "But fun."

"Sounds like fun," agreed Harm. "I'll see if I can squeeze a little fun into my schedule and get back to you."

The boys smiled, "Well, we'll shove off. See you soon Commander."

Harm sat down on the sofa and smiled. He liked the boys, and if the others were half as friendly, he just might make it through this assignment. He just might.

**Virginia**

They were seated around the dinner table one Friday night, Lucy chattering to her mother about her friend, Jan and what they did at the playground that day.

It was then Mic decided to firmly state his intention towards his life with Mac.

He pushed back from the table and turned in his chair to face her. "I love you. I've always loved you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you be my wife?" He pulled a ring box from his shirt pocket and handed it to her.

Mac took the box and studied it, "Oh, Mic...I..." She thought of the last time she'd put on a ring, of the promise, the hope...and the tragedy. Mic was offering her love, stability; to give her children a present father...she smiled, "Yes." Plain and simple, with no frills.

"That's my girl," he replied with a smile as he moved in for a kiss. It was almost as if they'd just completed a transaction in some sad business deal; almost no emotion involved beyond what lie at the surface.

In fact, the only real emotion came from Lucy. "No, Mommy, you can't!" she protested and leapt out of her seat.

"What?" asked Mac, knowing Lucy wasn't exactly fond of Mic.

"You can't marry him, you can't!" she told her and ran to her mother flinging herself across her lap. "You can't. You have to marry Daddy!"

Mac looked at Mic, who was obviously put out by the child's outburst. "Lucy," said Mac softly. "Daddy and I were married, but now we're not, and I'm going to be married to Mic."

"But when Daddy comes back, you can marry him again," Lucy told her. "He's said he's sorry. Please Mommy!"

"Lucy, Lucy, calm down," soothed Mac. "Let's finish our dinner and then we'll go talk about it, okay?

Lucy pouted but stood up, locked her shoulder like Harm used to when he was trying to act hard while coming apart inside and went to her chair to finish her pizza.

Mac knew this wasn't going to be easy, but just how hard it would in fact be remained to be seen...

Mac took Lucy into her bedroom after supper while Mic and DJ cleaned up and sat down to watch the television. Taking her into her lap, Mac held her child close for a moment before speaking.

"Lucy, tell Mommy why you don't want me to marry Mic?" Mac asked. "You know that Daddy and I aren't going to get married again, so why?"

"I love Daddy," said Lucy sadly. "I don't love Mic."

Mac started to rock her daughter, "I know you love Daddy, Lucy. I know, but Mic is a nice man and he wants to take care of us and he loves us. I love you very much, Lucy," Mac told her when Lucy started to sob. "I want you to be a happy little girl again. What can Mommy do to help you feel better?"

"Hold me like Daddy does?" asked Lucy.

"How did he do it?" Mac asked, appalled she couldn't recall.

"Like this," whispered the little girl, curling up in Mac's lap and nestling her face into her mother's shoulder. "Just hug me real tight, Mommy."

Mac tightened her embrace around her daughter and continued to rock slowly back and forth with her, "Like this, Baby?"

There was no answer. Lucy had fallen asleep, completely drained from the sadness her little heart felt that night.

Mac kissed her temple and held her for a while longer before carrying her to bed, undressing her, and returning to tell Mic she'd made a decision. She'd made a decision about working, but not for his reasons, but for her own. Lucy was still vulnerable and having Mac's constant attention was what she and DJ needed, still it was with a heavy heart that she'd leave the corp, though it was for the right reasons, her children. "It was about time," she sighed. "About time I did something for them."

Mac and Mic experienced their first failed insemination cycle that month. It was a new kind of pain for Mac; Mic didn't seem nearly as distraught as she was. He encouraged her as best as he could, but for Mic that meant saying they'd "get 'em next time", which provided her with little comfort. She was growing closer to Lucy as time went on, something that both mother and daughter needed and felt good about. Lucy would always be a Daddy's Girl, no doubt, but in Harm's absence, she was bonding with Mac in a whole new way. DJ, on the other hand, had found a "new Daddy" in Mic. The two would play together daily, and Mac was just waiting for the day DJ would refer to Mic as "Daddy."

Harm decided after it would be a good idea after one week of working and making no real connections to go to Jason's uncle's cabin and see what it would be like. He made the two hour or so drive up the mountain from the university in his rented SUV. As he drove along the winding mountain road, he twisted and turned, rolling down the window and inhaling the clean cool air. This place was beautiful. The trees were green and at night, even near the cities he could see stars, something he'd not been able to do in DC.

He arrived to see the area of Jason's uncle's cabin decorated with picnic tables. He looked around at scores of children playing and running amongst happy adults. He parked his vehicle and got out. Jason spotted him and took him over to introduce him to his Uncle Chris, his Aunt Rebecca and his cousins, Mary, Kelly, and Jake. In spite of being surrounded by strangers Harm felt remarkably at home.

After lunch some of the men went out to explore the ski trails that would soon be covered in snow. It was during this time they passed a cabin, large ranch style cabin that was for sale. Harm didn't know what came over him, one minute he was admiring the impressive structure and the next they were back at the picnic and he was making an official offer to the cabin's owner. By the end of the supper portion of the party, the cabin was his.

Harm moved his things in a month later, after the paper work was signed. He decorated it himself; using photos of himself with the kids and drawings he'd taken to remind him of home. The two hour drive to work each day while tiring was welcomed for it passed the time and made the lonely hours at home, a little less. Before he knew it though, it was December and the general extended his TAD until the following May, he'd done so well in the post. It was then arranged that he would be able to see his children, as he'd wished to do many times in the last two months. Finally, finally, it was time.

Harm went to the airport to meet AJ, who was bringing Lucy and DJ to see him. It was just after the New Year and Harm had been feelings ill since just before Christmas. Still he was so excited about seeing his kids, he wouldn't let a bad cold, a case of bronchitis, or a little body ache keep him down.

Shrieks of "Daddy!" could be heard as soon as Lucy spied Harm from the jetway. She ran to him at warp speed while DJ hung back and clung to AJ's hand.

"Oh, there's my girl!" exclaimed Harm as he knelt down to scoop Lucy up in his arms. "I've missed you so much, Button; so much!"

Lucy held on tight to Harm, "I missed you too. I lost two teeth," she showed him her missing teeth. "See?"

Harm looked at his baby girl's gapped smile and felt his heart melt. "Wow, that's great! Did the Tooth Fairy come and leave you money for your teeth?"

"Yes, five whole dollars!" Lucy told him. "And Mommy made me a special dinner."

Meanwhile AJ approached with an apprehensive DJ, "Hello, Harm. How are you?"

"Doing good, AJ" he replied, coughing a few times before kneeling down to his sons eye level. "Hey, little sailor, I've missed you!"

DJ turned from him and hid his face in AJ's pant leg.

Harm looked up at his former CO in confusion. "What's with him?"

"He's shy," AJ replied. "He's going through a phase."

Harm nodded, his feeling a bit hurt but he understood how preschoolers could be. "Well," he said to Lucy. "Let's head down to get your suitcases, then we can all go for pizza, okay?"

"Okay," Lucy said. "Did you know Mommy and Mic are going to a special doctor?" she asked as the headed for the baggage claim.

Harm shook his head as another coughing fit overtook him. "N,o" he gasped when it was over. "I didn't know that."

"Daddy, are you okay?" Lucy asked little brows knitting.

He nodded, coughing a little more as he stopped at a water fountain. "I'm okay, button. I just need a little drink of water."

As Harm drank some water Lucy jabbered on about school, her new friends, and Mac and Mic's "special doctor."

"What kind of doctor is their 'special doctor'?" asked Harm, part of him afraid in doing so.

"A doctor you go to to get a baby," Lucy told him. "They went after Mic and Mommy said they were gonna get married. He did something once to Mommy and it didn't work and she cried and cried and cried really hard and Mic wasn't nice to her. He didn't even hug her hardly and then I yelled at him and then I got punished."

Harm's head was spinning at the realization that Mic and Mac were trying to conceive a child...the child that he'd wanted with Mac himself. For a moment, he was lost in regret until he felt a tug at his pantleg. Looking down, he found DJ looking up at him, silently begging to be picked up.

"Hi, Daddy," DJ smiled after coming out of his shell.

"Hi, son," replied Harm, holding the boy close. "Did you like flying on the airplane?"

"It went up high," he told him and cuddle close. "Uncle Mic flies planes." The boy smiled.

"He does, huh?" asked Harm, the ache in his heart quickly matching the one in his head as he figured out that another man was filling his role in DJ's life; a man he greatly disliked. "Hey, those look like yours," he said about two bright red suitcases, changing the subject as the luggage carousel moved by them.

The next few hours flew by as Harm and AJ got the children pizza and drove them to his new home. They were both exhausted by then and he and AJ settled them in for a good night's sleep before a day of ice skating and stories from their Daddy. Harm was exhausted himself by the time he joined AJ by the roaring fire. "You don't look so great there, Harm."

"I don't feel so great," he admitted with a sigh and a couple of coughs. "Bad cold; caught it skiing. I'll get over it."

"Sounds worse than a cold," AJ sighed. "Nice place though. A bit far from Brigham Young U."

"Yeah, it is," agreed Harm. "But it was too pretty to pass up. It's so peaceful out here, I love it."

"It is pretty here," AJ replied. "So...Is anything else "pretty?"

Harm smiled a little. "As in do I have anyone special in my life?"

"As in Mac's moved on, did you?"

Harm shook his head. "I'm not ready yet, AJ. It's way too soon and...and no one is Mac."

AJ nodded, "Well, don't get old waiting for another Mac. You'll never find one."

He looked out the window. "I know. I'll have to live with that fact forever."

"But you're happy here?" AJ asked.

"All things considered," answered Harm. "Yeah, I really am."

AJ nodded, "Good. Good."

The week flew by and in that time Harm bonded with his children again. By the time they were ready to leave it was a bittersweet goodbye. He was feeling sicker throughout the week, but he wouldn't let it keep him down. He stood at their gate with them and held each child close.

"I'm going to miss you two," he said, holding his emotion in check.

"We'll miss you, Daddy," said Lucy, her bottom lip beginning to quiver. DJ simply snuggled deeper into Harm's embrace.

"Time to go, kiddos," said AJ gently. "Harm, take care of yourself, that's an order."

"Yes, Sir," Harm replied.

"I want you to see a doctor about that cough," Lucy told him sounding exactly like her mother.

Harm couldn't help but smile. "I will, I promise, Button. Go with Uncle AJ and be a good girl, okay?"

"Okay, Daddy," Lucy obeyed. "Bye. I love you."

"I love you, baby girl," he said as he watched her, for the time being anyway, walk out of his life once more.

January was beginning to wane, and that found Mac back at Doctor Bradley's office preparing for her next insemination. Mic was not with her that day, he had a very important meeting that couldn't wait. As she sat in the doctor's office waiting for him to come in her cell phone rang. "Mackenzie."

"Uh, hi, I'm looking for Sarah Rabb," said the young male caller. "

"This is Sarah Mackenzie Rabb," she replied. "And you would be?"

"My name is Jason, ma'am," he said. "I'm calling about Commander Rabb. You are his ex-wife, yes?"

"Yes, I am. What is this about?" Mac asked growing apprehensive.

"Ma'am, he's very sick," said Jason.

"I beg your pardon?" Mac asked. "What do you mean by very sick. Is he in the hospital?"

"No, but he needs to be," replied the young man. "He has a horrible case of pneumonia, but he's refusing to go to the hospital."

"Well where is he?" Mac asked.

"He's at home, ma'am," said Jason. "People are caring for him there, some of his neighbors and friends, and a doctor stops by twice a day, but it's no substitute for being in the hospital."

"Can I speak to him?" Mac asked. "Maybe he'll listen to me."

"I'm not currently at his home, ma'am," said Jason. "But I called you because the Commander keep desperately calling your name. I wasn't sure if I should, but he seems so insistent that you're the only one who can make him feel better. Not sure if he even realizes what he's saying in his condition, but..."

"I need to come out there," Mac said. She wasn't asking.

"If you feel it best, ma'am," said Jason. "It might help him."

"I'll be there within the next few days, as soon as I can make the arrangements. Jason?" Mac asked voice growing high pitched.

"Yes, ma'am?" he answered.

"Tell him...tell him that I'm coming. Tell him, okay?" she asked softly.

"Count on it, ma'am," assured the young man.

Mac ended the call as Dr. Bradley entered, "Okay, Sarah, let's get this done."

Mac hurried home from the doctor's office, picked up her children, and set about packing and arranging for a flight to Salt Lake City. She had no idea why she felt so compelled to run to Harm's side, but she did. He was sick, he'd called for her, and that was all she needed to know.

Mac had nearly finished packing her suitcase when Mic got home from the office that evening. Lucy and DJ were occupied in the family room watching 101 Dalmations. He entered the room and kissed Mac on the back of her neck.

"Hey, love," he said. "What's all this?" He asked as he realized she was packing.

"I'm packing," she replied. "I have to go to Utah."

He was baffled. "Utah? As in where...he lives, that Utah?"

"Yes," Mac replied as she began to pack her make up bag. "I got a phone call today. Harm's sick."

"Well what does he have?" asked Mic coldly.

"Pneumonia, it is very serious and he's asking for me," Mac told him. "I have to go."

"Since when do you have to go when he asks for you, Sarah?' demanded Mic."You don't belong to him anymore!"

Mac turned to stare him down, "I don't belong to anyone. He's got nobody out there, Mic and he's still Lucy and DJ's father."

He rolled his eyes. "You didn't even ask me what I think about this, you know?"

"I'm sorry, Mic," she softened. "If I were all alone halfway across the country sick like he is, and it was Harm or strangers, what would you want for me?" she asked, taking his hand in hers.

With a sigh, he relented. "How long will you be away?"

"Two weeks, maybe longer," Mac replied.

"But..isn't that when you have to go back for the pregnancy test?" he asked. "It's always two weeks after they shoot you up, right?"

"I can take a pregnancy test in Utah if I have to," Mac replied. "I can't not go, Mic. I can't."

Mac didn't want to get into the finer aspects of her appointment; she had to get on a plane in less than five hours.

"Well, make sure you call me when you take the test," he said. "I wanna be with you when you find out, even if it's long distance."

He pulled her close and kissed her lips. "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too," Mac replied. "Mic, maybe we'll wait okay? I'll test when I come home, so we can be together?"

He smiled. "That sounds perfect, love. Then we can celebrate together."

Mac pulled back and began to pack again. Mic helped her, then went to get dinner before loading her bags and the kids in the car and driving her to Dulles. "Be good for Mic, babies," Mac told her children.

"Mommy?" said Lucy. "Tell Daddy to get all better because I love him, okay?"

"I'll tell him, Sweet Pea. When he's feeling some better I'll have him call you okay? Be good for Mic," Mac told her and kissed her. "Mommy loves you."

With a final kiss on each child's forehead and a wave of her hand, Mac took her bags and disappeared into the airport on her way to the man who'd always hold her heart.


	56. Chapter 56

A/N: Sorry for the long delay. Most of the chapters are written in advance, up through 65, but with Mark's health continuing to decline it is hard to get them proofed. Please continue your prayers.

Thirty six hours later Mac was on a plane to Utah. Mic had not taken it well, her decision to go to Harm as he lay sick in Utah, but eventually he'd accepted it was what she needed to do and agreed to help with Lucy and DJ.

Mac didn't know what to expect when she walked into the secluded cabin in the Utah Mountains. She was admitted to the home by a young man whom she could only assume was Sam and led through the living area decorated by Harm, with pictures the children had drawn, and photos of himself with the children. She reached the bedroom, where Harm lay upon a large four poster bed. She could hear his breathing from the doorway, and the closer she got the more labored it sounded.

There was a young woman, in her early thirties sitting beside him, wiping his forehead with a compress.

"Hi," said Mac softly. "Who are you?"

"I'm Rebecca Martin," she replied softly. "I live up the road aways. Who are you?" She asked as she continued to bath Harm's forehead and cheeks, making little shushing sounds when he's moan or gasp.

"How do you know him?" she asked, nodding towards her ex-husband.

"Well, like I said I live just up the road. When he moved in a few of us came to greet him," she smiled. "You didn't answer my question."

"I'm Mac, I'm his ex-wife," she answered.

"Ah, yes," Rebecca smiled. "He's called for you often. And for the little one, Lucy."

Mac nodded. "Our little girl."

"I met her," Rebecca smiled. "She's beautiful. So is the little boy, David is it?"

"DJ," said Mac. "His initials, David Jonathan."

Before Rebecca could respond Harm began to cough and cough hard. The fluid in his chest was audibly rattling, but he lacked the ability to rid his body of it. When he finally relaxed he was having an even harder time breathing than before.

"He sounds like he's about to die!" gasped Mac, holding her hands to her face in shock.

"He's very sick," Rebecca replied. "His fever is nearly 104 and he has pneumonia in both lungs now."

"My God," whispered Mac. "Why isn't he in the hospital?"

"He won't go," Rebecca replied. "We tried twice and it just made him weaker. He wants to be left alone here."

"Has he even seen a doctor?" she asked, fighting back tears at the sight of the man she loved for so long lying there, possibly dying before her.

"Yes, a doctor's been out every day since Jason told me Harm was so ill," she replied. "They've drained his lungs twice...but...he has to fight and he's not."

"I've never known Harmon Rabb, Jr. to back down from a fight," Mac said. "Why...I can't figure out why he's just letting go like this."

"When he's not sleeping, listen to him," Rebecca replied. "May I ask you something?" She asked as she moved to roll Harm to his side so he could breathe a bit easier.

Mac nodded.

"Why are you here?" she asked. "You are no longer his wife, why come all this way?"

"Because," began Mac. "He's my ex-husband, the father of my children, and I heard he was in bad shape, so for their sake, I'm here." She knew that was only a partial truth; she was there for more than just the sake of the kids.

Before Rebecca could say something further, Harm murmured something unintelligible in his fitful sleep.

"It's what?" Mac asked, moving closer to him. "Harm, say it again if you can hear me."

"It's no use," he said again only the tiniest bit louder.

"Oh, Harm..." whispered a very troubled Mac. She looked over at Rebecca. "He's just giving up; waiting to die. How can he do this? He has 2 children who need him, damn it!"

"Does he?" Rebecca asked. "He's been here since October...they've only been here once," she replied. "We've all tried to help, we pray every night for him to get his hope back. Whatever happened to him," the young woman looked at Mac. "I don't have to wonder who's at fault for this."

"Don't you dare stand there and judge me!" exclaimed Mac. "You know nothing of my life, nothing of what our marriage was like, and you have no right to accuse me of causing this!"

Once again Rebecca was cut off by Harm. Again he made an unintelligible remark, only this time, he opened his eyes.

Mac rushed to his side. "Harm! Harm, it's me; it's Mac. Can you hear me?"

He opened his eyes and looked at her, "Mac?"

"I'm here," she repeated, "I'm here now and I'm going to stay here and make sure you get over this, okay?"

"Hurts," he managed and touched his chest with his hand. "Can't...breathe."

"I know you can't," she said, touching his hand as it laid upon his chest. "You need to be in a hospital, on oxygen and medication. Why aren't you?"

"No," he said. "No...hosp..."His protest died in a fit of ineffectual coughing.

"But you're sick, Harm!" cried Mac. "Listen to yourself, you can't breathe, can barely speak - why are you doing this?"

He didn't answer her, he just continued to cough and gasp for breath.

"Don't yell at him," Rebecca sighed. "Comfort him, for God's sake."

Mac turned around in a flash. "You, go! Now, I mean it - I'm here and I'll be taking care of him from now on."

"I haven't told you how yet," she countered. "I'll wait until he's settled, then explain his treatments." She left the bedchamber to await Mac in the kitchen.

Mac sat with Harm until she saw that he had closed his eyes again, so she rose from beside the bed and joined Rebecca in the kitchen. "What do I need to know?"

Rebecca had laid out a long line of interesting looking products as well as pills and syrups. "These are his prescriptions. He takes these three pills in powder form he's too weak to swallow them whole. You grind them up and put them in water. Hold his head and make sure he drinks it down. She pointed to each bottle, for the pain, for the fevers, for his blood pressure..."

Mac nodded, "He still needs those."

"I assume so. These," she indicated the tubs and creams, "Are his some of his herbal remedies and salves."

"He was always into doing things 'naturally' when possible," sighed Mac. "What about bathing him, things like that?"

"I've been doing it, or Mrs. Connelly. He's bathed in bed once a day. The fever bathes are constant though," she sighed. "This green one with the smell, rub in on his chest after his bath and put hot rags over it for an hour after. This one, the clear one is for his joints, to help keep them from swelling, and this one...this just smells nice...it's for comforting him."

"I can remember that," said Mac, meaning she was capable of keeping track of the different creams, but her mind was going back to the many times in their marriage when they'd started off their most intimate moments with a massage of soft-smelling lotion or gel.

"When he gets bad..."

"What do you mean 'gets bad'?" asked Mac. "He IS bad..."

"This is nothing," Rebecca replied. "Last night...when the pain is bad or he's gasping harder or when you can hear his lung's fluid...You have to sit behind him and prop him up. Sometimes he gets some of the fluid up but either doesn't know it or can't expel it..." She handed her a large cotton swab, "Use this to clear his mouth. The doctor will be by about six o'clock. Try to keep his fever below 103 if you can and encourage him to eat when he can. There's broth and juices in the fridge."

Mac nodded, a sudden feeling of despair coming over her. "This is so much worse than I imagined. He's inches away from death, and he doesn't seem to care. I..."

"Make him care," Rebecca advised. "Can you handle him if I go?"

"I can, yes," she replied. "And I'm sorry about before, about what I said to you. I appreciate all you've done for him."

"Just my way of doing a good Christian act," Rebecca smiled. "This is an herbal tea," she took out a bag from her purse. "It'll ease his throat. Try and get him to take some when I leave."

Mac nodded. "I'll take good care of him."

"I'll check by tomorrow," Rebecca smiled. "Good luck."

Rebecca left then leaving Mac to tend to Harm on her own. She bathed his forehead, chest and back, and fed him sips of tea. She gave him his pills, put on his creams, and held him when he gasped for air or shook with pain and fatigue. For two days she did this until one morning when she lay sleeping in her chair beside his bed, he woke and really looked at her.

"Sarah?" he whispered his voice hoarse and soft, lacking any of his former strength. Still she heard it more on instinct than anything else.

She opened her eyes right away. "I'm right here, Harm. Are you okay? What can I get for you?"

"You're here," he said a tiny smile on his face. "You're here."

"I am," she answered softly, reaching out to touch his hand.

"Cold," he said as his body started to shake. "Hurts, Mac."

She leapt from her chair and went to him. "Here," she said, pulling the blankets up over him a little more and adding an extra one. "That should help."

"Why?" he asked eyes heavy, but he wanted to keep looking at her to make her real.

She knew he wasn't asking about the blankets. "Because you need me," she answered plainly, softly.

"Needed you..." he stopped to take a ragged, watery breath."Before."

His words hit her hard. "I know. I'm sorry, I...I'm here now, though, and I'm not going anywhere."

"Go," he said then and turned his head away. "Just...go."

"I won't go," she said firmly. "You're very sick and I'm staying here until you're well."

"Can I..." was all he could manage before he began to cough violently.

"Do you need to sit up?" she asked over the dreadful noise.

He couldn't manage a reply, but Mac could tell as the spasm got worse that he was not getting enough air laying down.

She carefully sat him up, then slid in behind him as Rebecca had instructed. "You're okay," she whispered in his ear. "I'm here, its okay."

When the spasm finally let go of him, he lay against her chest for several minutes working on getting air into his lungs.

"You need to be in the hospital," she said again.

Weakly he shook his head, "No. I'll be okay."

"Harm," she prodded gently, "I've never seen anyone so sick. This is crazy...but I can't force you to go."

He was silent for a few minutes then, "Its okay, Mac."

"No, it's not," she replied. "I'm...I feel like in some round-about way, I could have stopped this."

Harm nodded slightly, "You...could have."

She was quiet for a moment. "This is about us, isn't it? That's why you don't care what happens to you."

"Care," he argued as best he could.

"Really?" she asked firmly yet gently. "It looks to me like you're letting yourself fall apart and you don't want to get the kind of help you really need. This isn't the man I married 7 years ago. He would have fought this."

"Trying," he gasped. "So...so ti...tired," he rasped.

"Do you want to rest?" she asked his head still at rest against her chest.

He shook his head, "Tired of fighting," he clarified. "No point."

"Harmon David Rabb, Jr., how can you say that?" she asked. "You have two little kids who think you hung the moon and stars, do you want them growing up like you did, without their Daddy?"

"Have a Daddy," he said. "Have..." He paused just then, not coughing, not talking, and his chest stood still.

"Harm! Harm, what's happening? Talk to me!"

He wanted to speak to her, but he couldn't. He couldn't breath, he felt like when he was in the ocean drowning, gasping. He made tiny sounds in is throat, like a man who was choking on something, he was choking, but he couldn't make her see it.

Mac slid out from behind him, holding his body upright as she leaned around to see his face. "Harm! Can you breathe?"

He heard her and managed to shake his head. His lips were parted slightly as he tried to suck in air, but the air he sucked didn't reach his lungs.

She took to patting his back in hopes that would help clear out his clogged lungs just a bit, enough to retain his ability to breathe. "Is this any better?" she asked.

The spasm did subside as Mac patted his back, only he was not able to release the infected material, it simply slid back down. "Yes," he wheezed. "Better."

"Good," she said, rubbing small circles against his damp, sweaty back. "I'll get you some juice, okay?"

He shook his head and slumped sideways. "Don't want juice."

"What do you want?" she asked, longing to make him feel better.

"Becky..."he began and had to stop for breath.

"She went home," interrupted Mac, uneasy about just how close that woman and her ex-husband had become. It shouldn't have mattered to her - after all, she and Harm were divorced - but somehow, it ate her alive.

"No...she...Becky's tea," he said smiling at the look on her face. She'd been jealous just then.

"Oh, uh, okay," replied Mac, blushing a touch and knowing he saw it. "I'll go get you some. You want to sit up or lay back down?"

"I want to try to...sit up," he told her still sounding terribly winded.

She nodded. "Harm...why won't you go to the hospital? They can help you there in ways I can't help you here. This is just crazy."

"I...They can't help me," he whispered. "No one can help me...but..."

"But...?" queried Mac, her hands still on his back.

He turned his tired, fevered glazed eyes towards Mac, "You. I..." He dissolved into a fit of coughs again, but nowhere near as long as the last one.

Once again, she took to patting his back. "You don't really mean that" she said. "Of everyone who could be helping you, after...everything between us lately, I'm one of the last on the list."

"Can I..." he began. "Have the tea?"

"Oh yeah," she said. "Sit tight, I'll be back in just a second."

Harm leaned back against the hard headboard and fought the pain and exhaustion. He was glad Mac was here, that she still cared, he just wasn't sure he did. Quickly she was back with the warm tea and went to his side.

"Here we are," she said holding the cup to his lips. "Small sips, okay?"

He took a few small sips and turned his head away, "This is pathetic."

"I'm sorry," she said looking into the tea cup. "I'll make it stronger if you like."

He shook his head, "Tea is fine. Me...this..."

She nodded and set the cup on the side table. "Why did you let...'this' happen?"

He licked his dry lips and shifted in the bed. He was getting uncomfortable leaning against the wooden headboard. "Just...I don't know it...I guess I expected to shake it. It came on like this real sudden."

"That's not true and you know it," she said gently. "Lucy told me you were sick when they were here."

"It was only a little cold," he sighed. "This..." He stopped and tried to take a few deeper breaths and failed, only causing only a deep wheeze in his chest. "Went to bed one day and...Couldn't move the next."

"I see," she said softly. "I still don't understand the hospital avoidance though. You could have shaken this weeks ago, why didn't you?"

"Didn't see the point," he sighed. "Still don't. I'm better."

She knew it was futile to argue with him over it. "Well, you need to keep getting better, and I'm going to be here to make sure that happens."

He turned his eyes towards the tea cup, but didn't speak anymore.

She picked up the cup and held it to his lips again, wondering just what was going through his mind at the knowledge she was there for him.

He took a few more sips then turned again. "Mac..."

She looked him in the eye. "Mm-hmm?"

"Can you help me lie down?" he asked her. "Getting tired."

"Of course," she said, setting the tea cup down again and easing his tired, achy body down onto the mattress. "Are you too hot or too cold, anything?"

"Cold," he replied. "And my head kind of hurts."

"I'll get you another blanket." she said. "Do you want anything for your head? Tylenol or anything?"

He shook his head, "No. Can't take any of that. Just let me sleep."

As Harm drifted off into a restless sleep, Mac took a few minutes to call home and check on the kids. She dialed the number and waited for an answer.

"Hello," AJ answered. "Rabb residence"

"Oh, AJ, hi" said Mac. "I was expecting Mic, where is he?"

"He had to run to the office," AJ replied. "How is he? Any better?"

"Not as far as I'm concerned" she said. "He looks terrible and he sounds even worse. He needs to be in the hospital, but he refuses to go."

"He always hated them," AJ sighed. "Is he being treated by a doctor?"

"There's one who comes by every day to check on him," she said. "But it's not the same as being in the hospital, AJ. It's almost as if he just wants this to kill him, I...I don't get it."

"He's had a tough year. He lost his wife, he lost his children...he lost his honor, that's a lot to take in, Mac," AJ explained. "Here, Lucy," AJ said to the child. "Drink it all down."

"Stomach again?" asked Mac.

"Throat and head," AJ sighed. "I thought having her tonsils out would take care of it, but...red as a beat."

Mac sighed. "I'm sorry you have to deal with that. How's Mic handling her being sick?"

"Not as well as I'd like. He won't let her snuggle with him which I get, but he told her to stop "carrying on" and "grow up." We had a talk about that," AJ told her. "I'll be keeping Lucy with me until she's feeling better."

Mac felt her blood begin to boil at the knowledge that her fiancé was treating her daughter like that. "I appreciate that, AJ," she said. "Lucy needs a compassionate caregiver right now, and for whatever reason, Mic just isn't filling the role like he should be."

"He's never been a Dad, give him time," AJ sighed. "She wants to say hi to you, okay?"

"Of course," said Mac with a smile.

AJ handed the handset to Lucy, "Hi, Mommy."

"Hi, Lucy Bear," said Mac. "Are you not feeling well, baby?"

"No, but Uncle AJ is making me better. We had ice pops and Tylenol," Lucy told her Mommy. "Is Daddy there? I wanna talk to him."

"He's taking a nap right now, sweetie," replied Mac. "I'll tell him you want to talk to him though, and maybe later I can call again when he's awake."

"Is he better yet Mommy?" Lucy asked sniffling.

Mac sighed. "Not yet, but Mommy will make sure he gets better, I promise."

"Mac!" Harm called from the bed. "Mac!"

"Lucy, Baby, Mommy has to call you back," Mac said quickly. "I love you."

Mac found him lying amongst the sheets, half on half off the bed, arms and legs moving as if he were running or trying in vain to escape something. "I'm sorry," he rasped out. "I'm sorry, Baby."

"Hey, hey, calm down," she urged, trying to get him back up on the bed. "What's the matter?"

"I'm not gonna make it," he whimpered. "I'm trying. I'm trying."

"Trying to make it where?" she asked.

"It's so cold, so cold," he sighed, shaking. "I'm tired...I'm not gonna make it."

Mac deduced Harm was trapped in a nightmare, and began trying to gently shake him from it. "Harm! Wake up, it's me; it's Mac. I'm here and you're okay. Come on, wake up!"

He shook his head, "You're not here. You can't be here." His eyes had been opened but now had come wide as he stared at her. He took her in, but could not believe he was really seeing her.

"I am," she said gently, taking his hand and placing it against her cheek. "I am."

Slowly his heavy breathing slowed to the wheezes she'd become accustomed to the last few days and he began to run his thumb over her cheek, "You're so beautiful. So soft," he whispered. "But its cold."

"Here," she said, pushing his legs back up onto the bed and covering him back up with all the blankets. "Can I get you anything else? What would make you feel better, sweetie?"

She hadn't called him that in months, yet it slipped off her tongue so naturally.

He licked his lips and looked around a minute, slowly returning to lucidity. "I'm kind of hungry," he said. "Maybe some soup."

Mac went to the fridge and took out the Tupperware of orange goopy mush that Becky had told her was a squash based soups she'd made for Harm. She poured a bit of it into a bowl and heated in the microwave. She returned to his side to find his eyes open half way, as he lay against his pillows.

Mac placed the soup on the table and helped his sit up a bit so he'd be able to eat it better, then sat beside him and spooned up a bite. He took the small sip off the spoon, "I remember doing this for you not too long ago."

"It's been longer than you think," she said. "But I remember it, too."

"Is that why you're out here?" he asked her. "Is this some sort of payback?"

She was silent for a moment. "Not really. I knew you needed help, and I...you know, for the kids' sake, I..."

He nodded, "I know. How are the kids? Who's with them?"

"AJ is right now," she replied, offering him another spoonful of soup. "I left them with Mic, but it wasn't working out, so AJ took over."

"I don't like him around Lucy," Harm said, turning his head away for a good bout of coughing. When he finished he added, "He's too rough for her."

"How so?" asked Mac. "You do know we're engaged, right?"

The look on Harm's face said it all, "Well you don't waste time do you?" he asked softly. "When?"

"Two months ago," she said softly. "It just kind of happened. I didn't know how to tell you."

He nodded, "I..." He began coughing again, harder this time.

She hurriedly set the soup down and took to patting his back. "I'm sorry," she said, "I mean, I know we're over, but I still feel like you should have known before now."

After a few moments Harm relaxed and replied to her, weaker after each bout of coughing. "I don't want him around Lucy."

"I'm afraid that's not up for debate," she replied gently. "Want some more soup?"

He shook his head; he hadn't eaten even half of it. "No. I know...I mean I know...let AJ watch her while you work."

"Oh, uh, work," she began. "I'm not at the SECNAV's office anymore, or any office. I resigned my commission."

"What?" he asked truly baffled. "Why?"

She shook her head. "I guess we felt it was for the best with my health and all. I'm okay with it, though it's taking some getting used to."

He nodded and moved a bit in the bed, trying to lie down, "You never answered my question about the kids. How are they? I miss them."

"They're good," she said. "DJ misses you, they both do really, but he's begun asking for you more."

"He was so big when he was here a few weeks ago. He's a hell of a skiier," Harm smiled. "Do you..."

"What?" she encouraged.

"Do you ever miss me?" he asked. "Miss us, what we had?"

She looked him in the eye. "I..." she sighed. "Yeah. Yeah, I really do."

"This would be easier if we were still us, you know?" Harm sighed. "But its my fault we're not."

"Ultimately" she said, "you're right. You're the one who had the affair, but looking back, I...I can see even more what a role I played in pushing you there. It doesn't excuse it, but I can see a little clearer now how it happened."

"You never did forgive me," he sighed. "Did you?"

She wrung her hands together. "Not for that, no. I want to, but I'm just not there yet. Do you ever hear from her anymore? Did Peter take her back once the baby was born?"

"I don't know," Harm whispered. Mac could tell he was slipping. The flush in his cheeks was deepening signaling a rise in his fever.

"You need to get some more rest" she said. "Go ahead, I'll be here when you wake up and we'll do your medicine."

"I don't want to go back to sleep," he whispered, though his body was saying different.

"Harm, please don't fight it," she said. "You need your sleep. Can I make you more comfortable?"

He nodded slowly, "Can I go up more? It's hard to breathe like this," he told her, his breathy speech confirming that.

"Sure," she said, rising from her seat beside him and gently moving his ailing body into a more upright position. "Better?"

He shook his head, "Not really. Have to do though."

She nodded. "Get some rest, okay?"

He nodded again and closed his eyes.


	57. Chapter 57

A/N: I am so sorry for the looooooooooong delay. Here is the next chapter and the story is finished. I just have to post the next 15 or so chapters. Mark's health is still bad but it is improving. Thank you for your well wishes and continued interest. And thanks and love to Snugglebug for being the best, well, just about everything. I love you. Snugglebug

Harm and Mac fell into this routine; she'd do nearly everything for him helping him to get well. After ten days under her care he could take his pills in solid form again, and after eighteen days, he felt well enough to get up and eat at the table.

"Mac!" Harm called from his bed as she prepared a canned veggie stew for them.

She rushed in to check on him. "What?"

She found him sitting on the edge of the bed; socks on his feet looking like DJ did when he couldn't reach something in the high cupboard, "I need help."

"You shouldn't be trying to do this yet," she gently scolded as she went to his aid.

"I'm sick of this bed and I have to..."He paused to cough. His cough had become more productive in the last week, as he regained his strength and he reached for the tissues he kept in his pocket to rid his body of the infected material. "I have to see if I can walk. My legs are getting all skinny."

"Yes, they are," she agreed. "But you can't do this by yourself yet. Let me help you."

He nodded and let her slip one arm around his thin waist and help him up. He sagged against her when he put weight on his legs for the first time in three weeks. "Oh, this is weird."

"I remember saying that kind of thing to you not too long ago." she said, thinking back to all the times she'd leaned on him for support during her illness.

He smiled, "Nothing I liked better, odd as it seems," he sighed stepping slowly and carefully out of the bedroom to the kitchen.

"Slowly," she said. "Easy little steps...there you go...yeah..."

They made it after ten long minutes to the living room/kitchen. He was winded and breathing hard, "My chair," he said and nodded to a large recliner in the corner.

"Let's go," she said, maintaining her grip around his waist. Within two more minutes, they got to the recliner and got him situated.

"Ugh," he moaned. "That was not fun."

Mac gently put her hand on his shoulder, "I know it wasn't. You should not be out of bed yet, Harm."

"I can't stand being in bed another minute right now," he argued.

"I know," Mac sympathized. "I've been there too, but your health has to come first. You've seen what happens when it doesn't. I can think of three times all ready."

"Yeah, I know," he sighed, coughing a bit. "It's chilly out here, are you cold?"

"I'm not," Mac answered. "But then again I'm not the one recovering from a serious illness. Should I turn up the heat or maybe get you a blanket for your legs?"

"Blanket would be great," he said with a shiver.

Mac went to the bedroom and got him a blanket to cover his legs and set a pillow behind his back. He smiled at her, the first real flyboy grin since she'd come to Utah, "The royal treatment."

"Nah, not really," she said. "I just want you to be comfortable."

"I'll be comfortable when I can get this elephant off my chest," he sighed. "And...when I get back home."

She looked at him quizzically. "I...thought this was 'home'?"

"This is a house," Harm replied. "My home is where you...where the children are. I can't stand missing them anymore."

She looked into his eyes and saw his pain. "It can't ever be like before; you know that."

"I know that," he sighed. "I'd just like for us to be friends again. For us to be civil, for us to care about the other again. That's all."

"I...Harm..." she trailed off. "I never stopped caring about you. I know it seemed like I did through the proceedings and with all the...horrible things I said to you and about you, but...I was just really hurting and I wanted you to hurt, too."

"You did," he replied. "You took the most important things in the world from me, Mac. Why did you have to do that?" he asked voice thick with emotions.

"Why did you have to have an affair?" she asked, tears forming in her eyes.

"I...I was hurting, I was scared..." He sighed. "I was stupid, that's the really truth. I let myself be manipulated."

"I mean...I'm so glad," she began as she tried to keep her tears in check. "That the baby wasn't yours, but that doesn't change what happened. She could have been yours, Harm, and then you would've been glued to that...woman for the rest of your life. I think that's the part I can't seem to get over; how close you came to that."

"I never loved her Mac, not when I dated her, not ever. Please at least...I know you think me a liar, but please believe that."

"I want to," she said. "But it just cuts me to the core knowing that you were hurting because of me, and you went to her. You should have come to me."

"I'd have hurt you," he sighed. "In trying to protect you, I hurt you worse."

She nodded as the tears won out. "You sure did. We...we used to have everything, and..."

"All we have now..." He stopped to catch his breath and began to cough.

She swallowed hard and reached around to pat his back.

It lasted for several minutes, and all the while Mac rubbed his back and tried to soothe him. When he sagged back against the backrest, "You okay?" she asked softly, one hand reaching to wipe his sweaty brow. "Just take it easy."

"I hate myself, Mac," he sighed. "I hate what I did to us."

"Don't talk like that," she soothed. Then, "Is that why? Why you...?" She couldn't bring herself to finish, but a huge part of her still believed he tried to let himself go.

He looked up at her, his eyes providing the answer to her unspoken question.

"Oh, Harm," Mac said gently. "Oh...Even though things were bad with us...you still, we still have Lucy and DJ, those beautiful little babies that love their Daddy so much. You'll always have them, Harm. I...I don't understand."

"You can't understand," he said. "I didn't take them from you; it was vice versa."

"You still have them Harm," Mac comforted.

"You have them," he said, closing his eyes. "Go eat dinner."

"I'll heat yours up after awhile," she said softly, wiping away a few tears as she left him to his rest. He was right - she had the kids, and he missed them like crazy.

"Don't bother," he mumbled and closed his eyes, though he didn't fall asleep.

She didn't respond; instead she walked out of the room, into the bedroom and had a long, hard cry.

Things were tense between Harm and Mac the next two days. He was getting better, doing more for himself and moving about the house slowly with frequent rests, but still he was doing it. One night though Mac noticed as he ate he was having a hard time picking up the spoon or lifting his arm to get the food into his mouth.

"Let me help you," she said noticing the difficulties he was experiencing that she at first thought was due to weakness.

He jerked his hand away, "I can do it," he insisted and tried again to get his fingers to close around the fork.

She sat back and watched him struggle, her heart aching at the sight before her. "Keep trying," she encouraged, knowing he needed help and knowing he didn't want it.

"What was in that stuff you gave me?" he asked her as he finally got his hand to close and began the process of lifting his arm.

"Nothing," she said. "Just a couple different herbs, that's all. I don't think that's what the matter is."

"I didn't say anything was the matter," he snapped as he dropped his fork back to his plate.

"Well, obviously something is," she said. "Or you'd be able to pick up your fork. I'll help you if you'll let me, but getting frustrated about it won't fix a thing."

"I can pick it up," he insisted and once again worked to close his hand around the fork. Finally after some minutes he did it. "See."

"Okay, good," she said. "Now take a bite."

Harm pinned her with a death glare, but lifted his arm part way before his hand opened and the fork fell back down.

"Sweetie, this is...this is scaring me," she said, rising from her seat across from him. "I'm calling the doctor."

"No, I don't need a doctor," Harm replied. "I just over did it. Wore myself out is all."

"You probably did," she agreed. "But this is the stuff you see in stroke victims and with your history...this could be another TIA."

"I'm not having stroke Mac," Harm sighed. "I'm fine. Leave it be."

She sighed. "I want to help you, Harm, but you can't shut me out like this. This kind of thing is what got us here in the...first place." Her voice trailed off and became low and sad.

"You want to help me?" Harm asked.

She nodded. "I wouldn't be here if I didn't."

"Then help me back to bed," Harm sighed. "I'm so tired my whole body aches."

"Okay, sure," she said as she went to place her arms around his waist once more. "I think you're trying to do too much, too fast."

"Probably so," Harm sighed and leaned against her as they made their way to the bedroom. She could tell that walking was hard for him too, his step was stiff and it scared her.

They reached the bed and got him settled, after which Mac retreated to the living room for a break of her own. This whole concept - her life in general right then - was so completely...crazy. How did she go from being married to Harm, to divorced from him; working with Mic to dating him, to sleeping with him to...engaged? Whatever possessed her to leave her fiancé with her children and fly thousands of miles to take care of the one person who'd hurt her more in the past year than any other? She just didn't know...or...did she?

Mac cleaned up the supper dishes, read a bit, then called home to say goodnight to the kids. Once again AJ answered the phone.

"Hello," AJ said into he phone.

"Hi, AJ," said a weary Mac. "How goes it up there?"

"We're good," AJ replied. "DJ's in bed, Lucy is finishing her homework, and Colleen just came in from her nightly recon of the yard. How's he?"

"Some better," she answered. "But he's still very sick. I'll probably be out here another 2-3 weeks easily...if you think you can manage the kids for that long?"

"I can, I'm not so sure about Mic," AJ sighed. "Is he up and around still?"

"As much as he can be," she said. "But I think he's overdoing it sometimes. I can't exactly figure him out, even after 6 years of being married to him."

"He is a puzzle," AJ laughed. "You sound tired. How are you doing?"

"I'm...really tired," she replied. "How's Mic doing with the kids? Is Lucy any better?"

"Lucy's fine physically," AJ said. "But she missed you both and she won't obey one thing Mic says anymore. Hence why I'm here."

"Right," she agreed. "Well, if there's nothing else to report, I think I'll go grab a hot shower and call it an early night. He's been waking up four and five times a night lately."

"Really? Any reason?" AJ asked.

"Pain usually," she said. "Other times he needs a drink, needs to cough, you name it."

"Give him my best," AJ sighed. "And see if he'll be up to calling Lucy. She's worrying about him."

"I'll let him know," she said. "Thanks a million for everything, AJ. I...we owe you."

"Don' mention it," AJ sighed and ended the call.

Mac took a long hot shower, drank a cup of tea and got herself ready for bed. She had been sleeping on the couch as Harm improved but tonight she thought better of it and took her rest in the chair at his bedside. She was thankful for that foresight a few hours later when Harm's cry of pain woke her from a deep sleep.

"What? What's wrong?" she asked as she jumped up from her chair.

"Pain," he gasped out. "Pain all over."

"Ssh," she soothed. "Its okay. I'll get your pills and maybe I can rub your chest like I did last week. Will that help?"

"No," he protested. "Mac..."

"What?" she asked, brushing her hand against his forehead, noticing how hot and clammy it was. "Oh Harm, you've got a fever."

"Hurts," he grumbled. "It really hurts."

"I know...Just let me go get your medication and I'll rub some salve on your chest. Just lie still and try to rest. Its going to be okay."

"My hands," he moaned. "My hands and my arms, oh God... Stop the pain," he told her. "Just stop it."

"I don't know how," she said, her heart breaking as she listened to his anguished, shallow breathing.

He slowly with great pain moved his hand from underneath the covers and grabbed for her. It was then she saw what was probably causing his pain. His elbow, wrist and finger joints were swollen to nearly twice the normal size.

"Oh my God," she gasped. "I'm calling the doctor that is not good!"

Mac slipped off the bed ignoring Harm's further protests and dialed the phone number on the fridge. "Good evening," the tired female voice said.

"Yes, I need to speak to Dr. James Baker," said Mac. "Regarding a patient of his, Harmon Rabb?"

"Hold a moment," she replied. "Jimmy! For you!"

Mac was amazed that she'd reached the doctor at home, something that didn't happen back in DC.

"Hello, Dr. Baker," the familiar voice said into the phone.

"Yes, hi, this is Sarah Rabb," said Mac, "I'm calling about Harm."

"Yes, Sarah. What's the problem?" the doctor asked calmly.

"I hate to bother you this late." she said. "But Harm's in a lot of pain and his joints look like they're incredibly swollen."

"Which ones?" the doctor asked quickly. "Check his whole body. I'll hold on."

She put the phone down and hurried back to Harm's side, returning moments later with the report. "Wrists, fingers and elbows," she said. "All are at least twice their normal size."

"Nothing in the knees, hips, ankles?" he asked.

"Some there too yes," Mac replied.

Dr. Baker sighed. "Fever?"

"Oh yes," she said. "I'm guessing at least 102."

"Okay...start a fever bath, elevate his arms and legs and sit tight. I'm on my way," Dr. Baker said.

There was one good thing about country doctors, they made house calls. What sucked...it took them almost an hour to get to you.

Mac hung up the phone and hurried back to Harm's side. "Dr. Baker is on his way," she said softly as she wiped his brow with a washcloth she'd kept beside the bed. "He wants me to give you a fever bath, okay sweetie?" There was that word again; that name.

"What's happening?" he asked. "Why can't I move anything right? What's wrong with me! I should feel something and I don't!"

"What do you mean you should feel something?" Mac asked. "Do you...Have you ever felt like this before?"

"No, but I know not feeling is bad!" he exclaimed in a panic.

Mac sat down on the edge of the bed and began to rub his upper arms softly, "Harm, listen to me. Your joints are all inflamed that's probably why you hurt so bad and why you're feeling numb. Dr. Baker is on his way and he's going to help you I promise, but in the mean time why don't I get some pillows and put your arms and legs up, he said that might help. Why don't we do that?"

He shook his head, "Please just leave it. It hurts too move."

"Doctor's orders," she sighed, "I know it hurts, but I don't have a choice."

Mac went to the blanket box and removed six spare pillows from it. Slowly she pulled back Harm's covers taking in his body, the terrible swelling of his arms and how his legs were beginning to puff even as she looked at them. She began at the bottom and lifted his right foot and calf, "You really know how to get sick don't you, Sailor?" she asked as she gently lowered the limb onto the soft pillow.

He winced and cried out a bit in pain.

"I'm sorry," Mac apologized as she slid another pillow under his thigh. "Just try to rest, please." She moved to the other side and lifted that foot and calf. "Remember doing this for me?"

"Uh huh," he replied, voice still filled with pain. "You hated it, too."

"I know, but it made me feel better," Mac told him. "Half over." She moved up and lifted his right arm, "You know what else made me feel better?"

He shook his head. "No."

She placed his aching right arm on the pillow, "Knowing you cared enough to put me through it anyway because it was what was best. I loved you for that, even if I fought you on it." She moved to his left side, the worst looking of all four limbs and as gently as she could lift his arm up.

He looked up at her, into her eyes. "I...I love you for this," he whispered, part of him afraid to say it, to admit it aloud.

"For tending you or for being here," Mac asked setting his left arm down and moving to cover his sweaty body.

"Both," he answered, becoming scared at how much love he still held in his heart for this woman.

Once he was covered up Mac sat beside him, "How do you feel?" she asked stroking his fiery cheek.

"Can I have some water?" he asked after a moment, his mouth dry from breathing so hard.

"I'll be right back," Mac assured him and went to get it.

Mac returned with some cool water and helped Harm drink and a while later the doctor arrived and examined Harm. He drew some fluid from his knees, which had begun to visibly swell and from his elbows. He was almost certain Harm had developed infectious arthritis as a result of his pneumonia, but wanted to test the samples. He gave Mac some medication, some creams, and a prayer before leaving promising to return the next day.

When Mac was alone with Harm, she sat and took his hand in hers. She ran her hand over the swollen knuckles, and kissed them, like he'd done for her many times. "I have to put this cream on you soon," she told him softly.

"I know," he said. "I'm hurting bad tonight, Mac."

"I know, Sweetie," she said softly. "You're very sick. But Dr. Baker thinks he knows what it is."

Harm laid still and allowed her to apply the soothing, cool cream to his aching joints. It was oddly comforting to be in that position again, to be dependent on her to make his pain go away. She caused so much of it in the run of their lives over the past year, he wasn't sure how fate brought her to his side just then...but he was glad it had.

Mac had creamed one arm, and started on the next one, "Is it any better at all?"

"Little maybe," he mumbled.

"Is there anything else I can do? Anything at all?" Mac asked. "I want to make the pain less, Harm. Just tell me what you want me to do."

He looked up at her. "Why are you here, Mac?" he asked softly. "I...we haven't exactly been on the best terms since the last bang of that gavel, I...I just don't understand what made you come here."

Mac rubbed the cream into his elbow as she replied, "We have a past Harm. We have...I think a better question is why did you call for me?"

He was silent. "I...guess I wanted you here" he admitted gently. "I don't really remember asking for you, but I guess I did."

"Becky said you did," Mac replied. "Harm...does it help at all? My being here, does it make any of this easier on you?"

He looked up at her. "In some ways, yeah, but in others...all I can feel is the pain between us. It's there and it'll never go away."

Mac nodded, "Do you want me to go? I don't want to, but I will if you ask me to." She didn't want to leave him, she wanted to be with him, God knew why, but if she was making it harder for him at all, she wanted him to say so.

"No, no," he said, reaching up to touch her cheek. "I need you here, I just...sometimes it hurts to have you so close and think about everything I did to you. I can't believe you want to be here."

Mac reached up and placed her hand over his, "There's no where in the world I'd want to be more."

The following night as Harm lay sleeping restlessly, his dreams took him back to a happier time and place, a time when his beloved wife was caring for him during an illness, and a place where all the world seemed right.

Mac moved closer to Harm as he started to moan in his sleep. She dipped the cloth into the icy water and wiped his feverish brow making tiny shushing noises as she went.

The baby..." he mumbled. "Where...?"

"Ssh," Mac soothed. "They're at home."

"Baby..." he continued, caught in the memories within his mind.

"What baby?" Mac asked sensing Harm was once again at another time or place in his mind. She wanted to join him and soothe him.

"Lucy..." he replied wearily. "Needs a bottle..."

It dawned on her then where he was. He was back when Lucy was maybe seven months old and he'd been attacked by an irate client he was interviewing. He's been stabbed twice in the upper thigh, not deep wounds, but both infected. He'd also sustained several bruised bones and cracked ribs. "She had one, Harm," Mac told him. "She's sleeping."

"Oh, good..." he sighed. "I feel...awful..."

"I know," Mac soothed. "Where do you hurt the worst?"

"Hip," he moaned. "Left hip and knee..."

"I'm sorry," Mac apologized. "Can I help? Tell me how to help?" Mac remembered asking the same question five years ago.

"Hurts..." was all he could say.

Mac's heart was breaking, "Harm? Harm, can you look at me?" she asked softly.

Somehow, he snapped out of the dream and looked into her worried eyes. "Mac?"

"Yeah," Mac said softly. "Yeah, hi. Tell me how to help you, Sweetie. Please tell me how to help you," she near begged eyes filled with tears now spilling down her cheeks.

"It hurts so much," he whispered, his voice cracking.

Mac's tears spilled off her cheeks and onto his fiery skin, "Tell me how to make it stop. I'll do whatever you need, just tell me, please."

He looked at her, eyes wide with pain. "Hold my hand?"

Mac smiled, "Okay. Which hand do you want me to hold? Which one hurts less?"

He held out his left hand to her.

She held that hand cradled against her breast, then softly whispered, "I'm going to make it all right Harm. You'll see. I'll take the pain away, I will. I caused it and I'm going to heal it, I am. Please, please believe that."

He nodded ever so slightly. "I know you will," he whispered. "That's why I...love...you." With that, he drifted off to sleep.


	58. Chapter 58

A/N: Thank you all for your patience. I am going to try to get back to regular updates but it is hard. I do not know how many of you know that my Mark died on March 14th and that is painful and difficult to get over and get past. Still I love doing this and I have finished the story so now I just have to get it all proofed and posted. Thank you again for your patience and your prayers.

A few days later, after two trips to the hospital and numerous treatments to drain the fluid from Harm's joints he lay napping in bed, surrounded by soft pillows meant to treat the ailment and dull the pain. Through it all Mac had tended him, she'd held him, massaged him, bathed him, and fed him; done everything she could for him to make it easier on him, though nothing worked. The nights were the worst...sometimes his fever would hit 103 or higher and he'd dream and hallucinate, other times, he's just lie there and cry out in pain not dulled by the medication. It was hard exhausting work, and after nearly 96 hours of it, Mac felt herself weaken and tire. She sat by Harm's bed on late afternoon to read the latest Tom Clancy, but soon fell asleep.

Harm awakened from his drug induced slumber not to Mac's soft touch or caring smile, but to her light little snore, the snore he'd always adored. She was sitting beside him, head resting on her hand sound asleep. He blinked his eyes a few times, then slowly moved his hand from under the warm covers. With great concentration he reached out and softly patted her knee.

"Mac?" he called out gently, hoping not to frighten her.

She awoke quickly, dropping her book to the floor. "What is it?" she asked and immediately moved to his side. "What do you need?"

"A drink," he said, his voice dry with thirst.

"What kind? Just water, or do you want some tea or juice?" Mac asked standing all ready and moving to do as he asked.

"Orange juice," he said as a cough overtook him.

Mac nodded and went to pour him a glass of juice. She returned with it and a bowl of oatmeal, "You need to eat."

He nodded a little, though he really wasn't hungry he knew she was right. He took the juice glass and downed it slowly before handing it back and resting once more against the pillow.

"Let me help you sit up, then we'll get some of this into you," Mac said gently, then grabbed him from under the arms and pushed him up quickly.

"Ah," he winced as he felt a sharp pain in his shoulder.

"Okay, okay," she soothed. "Where did it hurt?"

"Shoulder," he answered, breathing heavily in response to the pain. "It's...better now."

"Just lie back a minute and breath," Mac soothed and ran her hand over his brow. "I think you're fever's coming down again. You're all sweaty."

"Mm-hmm," he said. "I'm ready for it to...be gone for good."

"Me too," Mac sighed. "Open up," she instructed and began to feed him the soft oatmeal in the bowl.

"I can feed myself," he said reaching shakily for the spoon in her hand.

"And be so exhausted you can't help me with your bath later," Mac sighed. "But if you want to try..." Mac handed over the spoon to him.

With utmost concentration, he scooped up a small bite of oatmeal and moved it to his lips successfully. "See," he smiled at her. "Getting better."

Mac nodded, "Now that you proved your point, will you let me help you? You need your strength to get well. Dr. Baker said your left lung is still congested."

He rolled his eyes but conceded both spoon and bowl to her.

Mac fed Harm the rest of the meal, "There...Good?"

He nodded. "Got cold towards the end."

"You could have said, I would have warmed it for you," Mac replied. "How do you feel?"

He thought for a second. "Disgusting."

"Interesting description," Mac smiled. "Why disgusting? Pain, what...?"

He sighed and covered his face with his hands. "Pain, sweat, I haven't had a real shower in ages. Just feel...ick."

"Well how about a bath," Mac suggested. "You feel like you can make it to the tub?"

"If you help me," he said as he began to move slowly upright.

Mac nodded and pulled back the covers to reveal Harm's long legs, hips, knees swollen, though is ankles never really swelled. Harm got his legs out of the bed, and Mac slipped her arms around his waist, "Ready?"

"As I'm going to be," he replied.

Mac began to help Harm rise and step slowly towards the bathroom. "You okay?" she asked after two steps. She could see he wasn't, his legs, still terribly swollen were shaking with his weight, not strong enough to support him.

He shook his head feverishly. "Oh God! No, no, I can't do this!"

Mac knew that from the moment she saw his legs, but knew he had to try, "All right. We'll do it in bed. Can you make it back or do you want to stop here and lie down a minute?"

"Lie down," he sighed out.

Mac nodded and eased his body down to the floor, holding her breath as his hips hit the wood.

He lie on his back, panting, sweating, gasping in pain.

Mac knelt beside Harm on the floor and pulled his body to hers holding him close to her breast. "I don't...I...I can't..." She began to cry seeing this, seeing him suffer so.

Seeing her cry brought out all the tears he'd been holding back, and they stayed on the floor like that, crying to one another, for the next several moments.

Finally Mac felt Harm begin to shiver with cold, "Harm, we have to get you up and back in bed. Come on, put your arms around my neck."

He followed her instruction, slowly and painfully. "God, this hurts!" he cried.

"I know, but think when we get you in bed, I'm going to give you a nice sponge bath," Mac said as she rose to her knees. "Put your feet on the floor flat for me. I know it hurts, but you have to."

With an incessant cry of agony, he placed his feet, one at a time, on the floor.

"Hold on," Mac soothed. "When I say three, push up and I'll hold you as much as I can. One, two, three!" Mac counted and began to pull up on his body as she felt him give a weak yet productive push to his feet. Shaking he clung to her as they made tiny steps to the bed, before she sat him down on the soft mattress. "There," she crooned. "There, its over."

"Oh...oh God...Oh..." he panted.

"Ssh," Mac soothed. Slowly, supporting all of his weight they made it back to the bed. Harm lay down flat and Mac helped him get back on the bed. "Talk to me," Mac urged. "Tell me what you feel, what I can do."

"Pain pill," he gasped. "Can't stand it..."

"I can't Sweetie," Mac replied. "It's too soon. What else can I do?"

"Rub down," he said. "Tea...anything...oh, God..."

Mac couldn't take it anymore, and she wasn't about to leave him in this pain, so she lay her body next to his and pulled him close to her. "Ssh," she soothed and started to gently rock him. "It'll go soon, I promise," she whispered and placed a light kiss on his cheek.

He coughed a few times, crying after each bout left him in more pain than the one prior.

Mac continued to try to soothe, making tiny sounds to get him to settle, "Harm, please calm down. You're making it worse, Sweetie."

"You have," he began, "no idea...how bad this...hurts!"

"I think I do," Mac replied softly. "I've been in pain too and you helped me. You held me and tried to comfort me. You were great at it too. Just...just listening to you talk made it hurt less. I only hope that I could do this half as well."

"You...you are," he said as he worked at catching his breath. "I'm...you're a...much better patient than...I'll ever be."

"You got that right," Mac smiled. "You think you can lie here alone for a bit?"

He nodded. "Not too long."

"I'm just going to get some warm water and get you cleaned up, that'll make you feel better," Mac replied. "You want to lie there or want me to move you up more first?"

He waved her off. "I can't move again yet."

"You're going to have too before the bath, Harm," Mac sighed.

"Just dump the water on me" he mused, only half kidding with her.

Mac shook her head, "You know I can't and won't do that."

"Worth a try," he sighed.

"Rest," Mac smiled. "I'll be back. Do you want vanilla or peppermint today?"

"Vanilla I guess," he answered.

Mac went to the bathroom and filled the pot she'd used for Harm's baths with warm water, then added the vanilla gel to it. When she returned to his side, he was still lying as she'd left him, though his breathing had evened off. "Ready to sit up a bit?" she asked

"If I must," he sighed.

"You don't move, I'll do it for you, just rest," Mac told him. "Tell me if it hurts too badly."

Mac moved and got on the bed behind Harm, putting her arms under his and pulling upwards until his back was in the middle of the bed. She used pillows to keep him at a 45 degree angle, then she moved to the foot of the bed and lifted his legs up for him. "There, how's that?"

"Okay," he whispered.

"Hurting?" she asked, sitting beside him and preparing to begin washing him down.

"Mm-hmm," he said.

"This will make you feel better I hope," Mac smiled and dipped the sponge into the warm water. She slowly wiped his face with it, his brow, his cheeks, his neck. "Remember the last time I bathed you in bed?"

He shook his head.

"It was just after you got out of the hospital after that last punch out," Mac said. "You were recovering from pneumonia, but you were still pretty weak. Remember now?" She sponged off his chest.

"Kind of," he answered.

"Do you remember anything good from our marriage?" Mac asked. "Anything at all?"

It took him a moment to respond. "The first few years were good," he said.

"And that last few?" Mac sighed. "Tell me if I hurt you," she said and slowly moved his arm into her lap to wash it down. She was careful as she moved over the swollen flesh, trying not to hurt him.

"Ah!" he exclaimed as her hand touched an especially tender area.

"Sorry," Mac said softly. "I'm sorry." She worked on the arm some more, the laid it down gently. She moved around to his right arm and repeated the motion, a bit gentler as the right side was worst than the left one.

"Last few weren't all bad," he said, the pain in his voice rising.

"How you doing?" Mac asked, wiping his shoulder and under his arm.

"Hurts," he answered, his body beginning to tense against her touch.

"I don't know what to do," Mac said then, stopping her bath and searching his eyes. "I...I guess I know what it feels like now, huh?"

He looked into her eyes, knowing what she was talking about. "It's so hard."

She nodded, "Yes. I want to help you but I don't know how. I just want to make the pain stop for you, Harm."

"Pill?" he asked, his eyes begging her for one.

Mac nodded, "Its close enough now. Do you think you can swallow it or do you want me to grind it for you?" Mac asked.

"Swallow," he said.

Mac covered Harm up and went to get his medication. She handed him first the pill, then once he had it in his mouth, she lifted his head and helped him sip the water. "There now...that might help some."

"Is there anything else I can do before I finish your bath?" Mac asked, her eyes shining with tears of helplessness. "Where is the pain worst, maybe I can put some cream there now or I could..."

He shook his head. "Just hold me."

Mac nodded and moved beside him, before gently lifting him up and pulling him to her chest, "I'm sorry you're in so much pain. And...I think I understand now...why...you know?"

"Why...what?" he winced.

"Why you...why you needed Annie, why you felt so helpless and..." Mac dropped off and kissed his forehead.

"Helpless...yes," he whispered. "Right thing to do...no."

"No, it wasn't," Mac replied. "But...I think I know the pain now...the pain of...of uselessness in the face of...of the one you love suffering so much."

He looked into her eyes. "You still...love me?"

"Yes," Mac replied. "I always will in some way."

"I..." His pill was fast beginning to kick in. "I ruined it."

Mac stroked his hair, "No," she shook her head. "You made a mistake, and...I ruined it. I drove you away; I drove you to...to this place and..."

"I asked for it," he countered. "Annie...big mistake...never should've happened, Mac. Not when I...had you."

"I...we've both done something's we never should have done," Mac replied. "But I have no regrets about being your wife, none."

"I only regret losing you," he whispered.

"I'm here, aren't I?" Mac asked, running a soft hand down his back.

"I don't know why," he said softly. "I...you don't have to be here. I'm not...yours anymore."

"You asked for me and I came," Mac replied. "How are you feeling, better?"

"Little," he said, the drugs continuing their relaxing effect. "Finish the bath."

Mac nodded and eased him back down against the pillows. She pulled the covers back and bathed his legs, being careful of the knees and hips, which caused him pain. It was when she reached his sex that she stopped, "Do you think you can handle this?"

"Nothing you haven't seen before," he answered with a weary smile.

"I mean...do you want me to or..." Mac began. Harm had either been unconscious or had done that himself since she'd been there.

"Go ahead," he said. "I'm okay."

Gently Mac took care of cleaning Harm's private area, feeling it stir as her hands moved over him. When she finished, she put her sponge down and moved to cover him back up. "Time to rest now, okay?" she said gently, surprised when his hand snaked out and grabbed onto her wrist.

With a gentle grasp on her forearm, he pulled her close, and without a word, he kissed her lips.

Mac was taken by surprise when Harm's warm lips captured hers. It was the first time in the month she'd been there that they had touched like this. Sure she'd held him and kissed his cheeks or forehead, but it was the first time in a nearly a year, their lips had touched. "Harm, what are you doing?"

"Loving you," he answered.

"But..." Mac protested. "We can't...we're..." He kissed her again, bringing one sore achy arm to hold her to him loosely. "We're divorced."

"I know," he whispered. "But...it feels so...right."

It did, they were right, even still and Mac knew that. She let him kiss her and even kissed him back. "Harm...what...it feels right, but...you're so sick."

"Never too sick to be with you," he replied in a passionate whisper, slipping one hand beneath her sleeve.

"But the pain," Mac whispered again even as she assisted him in helping him remove her over shirt.

They fell silent for awhile then as with hands and lips they got reacquainted with each other's bodies. Harm was all ready devoid of all clothing, so when Mac slid under the covers she got a clear view of his body. "You're beautiful," Mac whispered. "So hard and strong, yet so..."

He suddenly felt very uncomfortable with her seeing him like that...seeing all the weight he'd lost, how swollen his joints were. Without meaning to, he began to try and hide.

Mac noticed Harm moving in on himself, trying to get his body to curl in, "What are you doing?" she asked gently sensing him withdrawing from her.

He shook his head. "You don't wanna see me like this. I don't wanna see me like this."

"But I have seen you all ready," Mac countered. "I've been bathing you for four days, remember?"

"But you haven't seen all of me at once," he said softly. "I'm ugly."

Mac's face softened into a sweet smile, "No," she shook her head and reached out for the blanket he was holding and laid her hand next to his. "You're sick and you'll be better soon. Just like after my surgeries. I was so scared to let you see the scars, remember?"

"I do" he said softly. "To me you were beautiful, but..."

"But?" Mac encouraged.

"This is different," he said. "This is all of me, not just a couple tiny cuts."

"Why don't you let me judge?" Mac asked and pulled a tiny bit on the blanket.

Unconsciously, he held tight to the blanket, afraid to let it go.

Mac leaned over and gave his middle knuckle, the most swollen of the four she could see a tiny kiss, "Come on," she encouraged. "Let go."

She hated that he was so self conscious, with her of all people, but she had put him through the worse Hell anyone should have to go through, maybe he was not able to trust her yet.

With a tiny nod, he released his grip on the covers, letting them down along with his guard.

Mac inched the blankets off of him, first exposing only his arms and chest. Gently she kissed each of the joints, first his right shoulder, elbow, wrist and each finger, then she moved to the left, and gave it the same treatment. To him, it was ugly, to her...it was just Harm.

He found himself melting beneath her touch, his self-conscious worries disappearing as passion took their place. "Mac..." he whispered.

"Am I hurting you?" she asked knowing even the slightest pressure at time caused him pain.

"No," he said. "It...feels nice." He loved having her hands on him; he always had.

"Then what?" she asked sliding her hands down his sides.

"You're beautiful," he said, rubbing his hands gently against her body.

"So are you," Mac replied and kissed his gently. "There's beauty in a man who can be strong and gentle at the same time."

He slid his hands against her tummy, then back up to her breasts. "I miss you."

"I miss you," Mac replied as she rubbed her hands on his chest. "But I'm here now. I'm here with you."

He pulled her close for another kiss. "I want you, here, now. Do you...want me?"

Mac nodded, "I do," she replied. "But..."

He cupped her face in his large, strong hand. "If you're not sure...we don't have to…" he whispered.

"I just...its just that Mic..." Mac sighed and went to hide her face.

Harm felt as if the earth had been suddenly pulled from beneath him. "Oh, Mac...I'm sorry. I...this is wrong; you're not mine anymore."

Mac leaned and kissed him softly, "Don't apologize. There's a part of me, Harm that will always be yours. That will always love you."

"And I'll always love you," he returned. "I never meant to hurt you. I was...stupid."

"No," Mac shook her head. "You were in pain, lost maybe," Mac replied. "But not stupid, never."

He stared into her eyes. "I want tonight to be like before."

Mac nodded, "It'll be better," Mac replied and leaned down to kiss him once more. They kissed and touched each other like it was their first time once again. As he touched, she caressed, as he pushed, she pulled, "Am I hurting you?" she asked him as she let her body and her hands move all around him.

"No," he answered as his own hands moved about her body. "Does it still hurt you?"

"It won't with you," Mac replied. "I know you'll...you'll be gentle with me," she replied and rubbed her cheek against the soft hair on his chest.

"I wasn't the last time," he sighed, thinking back to how mean and rough their last time together had been; how he'd forced things to move faster then her body was ready to handle. "I'll never do that again, baby."

"I know you won't," Mac replied. "I'll never push you there again. I promise."

He slipped his hand in between her legs, moving them apart just a tiny bit. "I don't want to rush you," he whispered. "Tell me what you want."

"I...do you think you can...can you get on top?" Mac asked. She liked being under him, subservient, and pliant to his will, but only if it wouldn't cause him pain.

"I'll try," he said. "Not sure though."

"If it hurts you tell me," she told him, marveling at how often he'd spoken those words.

With a nod, he began trying to move his body up over hers, but soon collapsed against her bare chest.

"Harm?" Mac whispered concern and fear in her voice.

"I'll try...again," he gasped, pushing himself back up on his arms.

Mac told herself she'd allow him one try only before she let him lie down again. He managed this time though to raise himself over her and meet her brown eyes.

"This has to be..." he began. "Just the way...you want it."

Mac nodded, "It has to right for us both," she replied and lifted her knees, parting her thighs for him. "Come to me, Harm. I'm ready now."

That was the last encouragement Harm needed. As he kissed Mac, he slipped his tongue inside her mouth, a moment later, as he had done so many times, he slipped his sex into her body. He moaned a bit in pleasure pain as his hips pressed against hers. Mac gasped and arched her back in ecstasy. He moved down and she moved up, falling into a familiar rhythm just like it had been only hours instead of months since they'd made love like this. When they were finished, Harm collapsed onto Mac's chest, gasping, wheezing a bit, but smiling softly. "Harm?"

"Mm-hmm?"

"Are you okay?" Mac asked, her hand touching the back of his head as he lie against her.

"I'm glad you're...okay" he said breathlessly. "Last time we did this, I was..."

"Ssh," Mac replied. "Don't talk about that." Then, "Harm...are you sure you feel okay?"

He fought to take in a few deep breaths. "I think maybe...I should get some rest."

With great care, he rolled himself off of her and onto his back on the bed.

Mac slid out of the bed and pulled on Harm sweatshirt, "Okay...What do you need to be comfortable?" she asked. "An extra pillow, some medicine?"

"Both," he replied, the weariness in his body becoming evident in his voice.

"Which kind do you need?" Mac asked. "Cough syrup or pain pill?"

"Pills help me...sleep better."

Mac nodded, "I'll be right back."

Moments later she was back with his pill. She'd ground it for him and put it in water just to make it go down easier. "Here you go," she smiled and lifted his head for him. "Take it all down."

He did as she requested, taking down the whole amount of water before resting his head against his pillows again. "So tired...but worth it."

Mac held Harm up another second and slipped another pillow behind his back, "There you go. I know you're tired, but...does this mean...anything to you?"

"Just stay with me," he whispered, eyes heavy with sleepiness.

"How love?" she asked. "Do you want me to hold your hand?"

He could barely respond, but he reached up to find her hand with his. "Love...you, Mac."


	59. Chapter 59

See previous chapters for summary and disclaimers

A/N: I appreciate all who have written to see what was going on with this story. It has been a very difficult time for me, losing Mark and trying to move on with my life. I've moved in with my sister now and I'm as happily settled as I can be in Texas so it is my hope that now that all of those things are past, I can get back on my regular update schedule. Thank you to all who have prayed and read and continued to care… - Kris

Harm was exhausted from the encounter so much so he slept through that night and all the next day. When he hadn't awakened near lunch time on the second day, she sent for the doctor. He was assessing Harm's condition as he woke.

"He seems to be the same, Sarah," Dr. Baker replied. "His fever has dropped, and the swelling him is arms has gone down. I'm concerned though about his left arm and leg, the leg mostly."

"Any idea what the problem is?" asked a very concerned Mac.

"With his arm and leg, or why he's sleeping so much?" the doctor asked.

"Well, either," she responded. "But I'm guessing the sleeping is his body's way of healing, correct?"

"Yes, and escaping the pain as well," the doctor replied. "I'm concerned that his left side has been affected more severely by the infection. It's more swollen and hasn't gone down much at all. I'm afraid there might be permanent damage."

"Oh wow," gasped Mac, feeling the kind of heartache for Harm that she'd felt in the rougher times of their marriage, the few times he'd been the sick one. "When...how will we know?"

"There are tests to be run at the hospital, but mostly we'll know when the swelling goes down and he hasn't regained full use of that side," Dr. Baker replied. "It can be very insignificant, just achy when the weather is damp or he might require full time care for the rest of his life. I can try to drain it again, get out more infection, which might help the prognosis a bit."

She sighed. "Well, he's not alone anymore. He's got me and we're together again, and I'll do whatever I can for him."

"Sarah," Dr. Baker sighed. "If those joints are incapacitated, he won't be able to do much for himself. It'll be hard, and...Are you sure you understand what might happen here?"

"He may need me to care for him for the rest of his life," she said. "I'll do that if need be. He's planning on moving back home to Virginia once he heals a little more, and then he can be near our children and I can take care of him."

"He could be fine," the doctor reiterated. "He's young and strong, but I have to prepare you for the worst and that is that he'll be permanently bedridden or very close to it. Normally in someone his age it of course does not go that way, but I feel it is always best to be aware. Now, about treatment...would you like me to drain the joints again?"

"Yes," she said. "He needs to wake up anyway."

"Why don't you wake him while I prepare the needles," the doctor suggested. "Have him take this pill. It'll help with the pain."

Mac took the pill from the doctor and went to grind it like she did the others. "He's still not able to swallow his pills whole?" the doctor asked, now concerned.

"Oh, he can," she assured the doctor. "I just like to make it as easy for him as I can."

The doctor nodded, "If he doesn't wake up easily, I'll do the procedure tomorrow," he replied. "Give it a try."

Mac nodded and went back to where Harm was lying on the bed. He was mostly on his back, but his features were no longer peaceful as they had been. She sat beside him and ran a gentle hand down his cheek, it was warmer than it should be, but not hot as it had been. "Harm," she said gently. "Harm, wake up, Sweetie. Come on."

He stirred and looked at her. "Is...it morning already?"

"Actually its late afternoon," Mac replied. "It's nearly dinner time."

"Whoa," he mumbled. "I'm so tired."

"I know," Mac sympathized. "You've been sleeping a long time. Almost two days, I was getting worried," she said softly. "The doctor is here."

"Two days?" asked Harm. "Damn, no wonder I feel like crap."

"Crap," Mac nodded. "Nice Sailor real nice. Seriously now, how are you feeling so I can tell the doctor?" Mac asked, reaching for is hand which he had hidden under the covers.

"I'm...hurting," he replied with a yawn. "I'm so stiff, ugh."

"Want to try to move a bit?" she asked. "I can help you to sit up if you like," she offered. "Just tell me."

"Yeah," he sighed. "Feels like I've been beaten up and left for dead."

"Okay, just raise your arms up and I'll shift you," Mac told him. "I knew the other night was...was too soon for you."

"Other night?" he asked.

"Yes we..." Mac began then looked into his face. "You don't remember?"

"I remember getting up for a bath," he said. "Oh yeah, that's it; no wonder I'm so out-of-it. Yeah, you were right, too soon to be trying to move like that."

"What do you remember us doing that night?" Mac asked, her heart dropping to her stomach at the though he may not recall the beautiful night they spent in each others arms; this while she lifted him upwards so his back was against the pillows instead of his head.

"You helped me get out of the bed," he answered. "I think we made a step or two, and then the pain was so much we gave up. I fell asleep after I got back in bed; I know that much for sure because it's the only explanation for why the remainder of the time between then and now is blank."

Mac bit her lip to keep from crying as her fears were confirmed, "It was too much," she managed, but her voice still cracked.

"Hey, hey," he soothed, noticing how upset she'd become. "It's okay; it was just a bath, we can do it today and it'll be just fine."

"Let's let the doctor judge that," Mac replied. "How bad is it today? I know it hurts but how much. He says he wants to drain the joints out again."

"Oh, not that again," he said. "It's not that bad today, Mac. I'm stiff and sore, but not enough to need him to drain anything."

"He's all ready examined you and he thinks it necessary, Sweetie," Mac replied, the endearment slipping out. "I'll stay the whole time okay?"

He sighed. "Anything for the pain first?"

"Yes, right here," she replied and handed him the cup of milky colored liquid. "Can you hold it?"

"Mm-hmm," he responded, taking the cup from her.

"Your right hand looks much better," Mac smiled. "Don't miss a drop."

He drank down his medication and handed the cup back to her. "I'm starting to feel some better," he said. "Which is good."

"You think you might be up to calling your daughter later?" Mac asked, wiping a drop of liquid from his lip.

He sighed. "Probably should, though I don't want to scare her."

"How would you do that, Honey?" Mac asked.

"She's just like you, Mac," he said. "She can tell when something's wrong with me."

"She knows you've been very sick and that I've come to care for you," Mac replied. "See how you feel later. Can I send the doctor in now?"

He nodded.

Mac went and called for the doctor. Mac sat with him and held his hand as the doctor drained the infection from his joints and finished examining him. "Harm, I'm concerned. I've talked with Sarah, but I think it is imperative that you know as well."

"Okay," said Harm, resting against his pillows.

"Do you need anything Harm?" Mac asked. "A drink?"

"No, I'm good," he said. "Talk to me, Dr. Baker. What do I need to know?"

"Sarah, can you pull his covers back for me? I want to see Harm, if you notice a difference," the doctor said.

She did as he asked, revealing the state of Harm's physical condition to all present.

He looked. "Left is more swollen."

"Exactly, and that's very upsetting," he replied. "The more swelling the more infection and with more infection we have a higher risk of permanent damage to the joint," the doctor explained.

"So...what you're saying is this may never go down?" asked Harm.

"Oh it will," the doctor replied. "But the joints may not function as they should...The lack of mobility..." The doctor looked at Mac who nodded. "Everything you are experiencing now maybe permanent, except for the swelling."

Harm lay back against his pillow. "When will we know?"

"When the swelling goes down, if the pain and the lack of mobility remain, we'll know," the doctor replied. "I'm going to come and drain everyday until that happens. The less infection present the better the chance you'll only have to worry about this when you're sick."

"I understand," said Harm solemnly. He looked up at Mac.

"It's going to be okay, Harm," she whispered. "I'll be with you and I'll take care of you, I promise," Mac told him. "You won't be alone anymore. I'll be here from now on."

He shook his head. "No, you have your life to get back to; our kids to take care of. You can't commit to this kind of thing, Mac."

The doctor rose and nodded to Mac and Harm, "I'll be back tomorrow."

Mac nodded and went back to Harm, "Harm, did you hear him?"

"I heard him," he said. "And what I heard is that I may be like this forever, and if so then it'll be something I did to myself and something I'll have to live with. You've already...I won't let my poor judgment take over your life again, Mac."

"Harm if you...you might need full time care and I'm going to give it to you," Mac insisted. "I'm not going to abandon you, not again."

"Full time care? Mac, there's no way," he said. "That I'll let you set aside your life for that kind of undertaking. We're divorced, you're with Mic...The days of this being your responsibility are past. I...I love you for being here for me, but it can never be a forever thing."

"Well what if that's what I want to do?" Mac asked rising. "What if I want to take it on, huh? Shouldn't that be my choice?" she asked him starting to pace in front of the bed.

"It can't be, though" he said gently. "If things were different, maybe, but they are what they are, and I just can't see how you can..." His voice trailed off. "You really mean this, don't you?"

"I do," Mac replied. "If I was lying in that bed right now there would be no question what you'd do, what you'd sacrifice. Why should I be any different?"

He sighed. "I...don't know. You moved on with life after the divorce, so did I. We're not 'us' anymore; maybe that's it."

Mac put her hands on her hips and faced him dead on, "Do you want me take care of you? If you could choose between me and someone else anyone else..."

"No one has ever taken care of me like you, Mac" he whispered. "I just...I don't understand why you want to."

"Because we were special," she replied. "We had something, we really did. We just didn't know it. I didn't know what...I didn't know until I got here and saw you lying here so sick it was days before you knew I'd come. And I caused that, caused this, me. Not you. Don't you see?"

The tears were falling freely now, and Mac turned her back to him and began to walk away from him.

"Mac, wait," he said. "Please look at me."

She stopped but did not want to turn around and let him see her tears. "No, I don't want to look at you while you lie there and deny me what is my right and my du...my right."

"I just don't understand how you feel this is something you have to do," he said, his voice growing strong with conviction. "After what I did to you, I'd never dream of expecting you to even do what you've already done, let alone volunteer to be my nursemaid from now till who knows when. We used to have something, we don't have it anymore, and you...you just don't need to do this."

"I need to get out of here," Mac said then. "I need to get some air."

"Yeah, might help clear your head," he said with a bit more sarcasm than intended.

"Do you need anything before I go?" she asked voice tight with unshed tears.

"No," he said softly, fidgeting with the edge of his sheet. None of this made any sense to him, no matter how badly he wished it did.

"I'll be back in an hour or so," Mac told him. "Don't get up until I get back."

"Yeah, yeah," he muttered, pulling his covers up a little as he heard Mac walk through the living room and out the door.


	60. Chapter 60

A/N: Wow! Sixty chapters and more still to come, I promise. I hope that all of you are still interested in this story and once it is done I am planning the sequel so we can follow this family, in whatever state it ends up in through the next stages of their lives. Thanks to all who have been praying for me and my family as we recover from our loss. It means so very much. Enjoy!

Mac didn't walk through the cold mountain roads, she ran. She ran long and hard until she's come full circle about the tiny Utah town. Finally cold and breathing hard she returned to the ski cabin, two hours after she'd left.

Where have you been?" he asked desperately the moment she walked through the door. "You said an hour, it's been over two!"

"I was enjoying the view," Mac replied removing her sweatshirt. "Are you okay?"

"Aside from being worried crazy about you," he said. "I thought something had happened to you, you'd fallen off an embankment and were lying in a snowdrift somewhere..."

"Well I'm not," Mac replied. "Do you need anything, dinner, your medication?" she asked moving closer to test his face for fever.

"I'm not hungry," he said, reaching up and taking a hold of her hand, bringing her down to face him. He silently stared into her eyes.

The spell was broken by the shrill ring of the kitchen phone.

"I'll be right back," Mac replied and went to answer the phone. "Hello."

"Hey, beautiful," said the familiar voice on the calling end.

"Mic, hi," Mac smiled. "How's everything are the children okay?"

"Everything's fine, love," replied Mic. "I miss you; you comin' home soon?"

"I don't know Mic," Mac replied.

"What's there to know?" he asked. "Are you comin' home soon - it's a yes or no question really."

"It depends on Harm's condition and that's up in the air right now," Mac replied. "He's..." She sighed and dropped into a kitchen chair.

"He's gotta be better by now," said the dark-haired Australian.

"From the pneumonia, pretty much," Mac replied. "But...he had a serious complication. I'm certain I told you."

"You might have," he said, not really caring.

"He's still mainly bedridden. He still needs my help, I can't just leave him," Mac told him. "The doctors are saying..." He voice cracked and she lowered her head.

"Sarah?" He said softly, concerned tinting his accent somewhat less harsh.

Her soft sobbing was his only answer.

"Sarah, love," Mic said. "Please stop crying. I'm sure he'll be fine, and you know, if not, well... I don't want you worrying about him so much."

"Mic...he can't walk and...they say...this could be...permanent, and..." Mac struggled to slow her breath.

Mic was silent for a moment. "Well, if he can't walk, I s'pose that'll spare us the trouble of visitation with the children."

"Mic...how could...no, I'll bring him home," Mac sighed. "Home to DC."

"Hold on a bloody minute, Sarah!" exclaimed Mic. "Are you telling me that you plan to bring him - your jerk of an ex husband - back here to the town where you live with me - your fiance! Tell me I'm hearing you wrong!"

"He's not a jerk," she quickly defended. "And if this condition is permanent, you're hearing me right. I'll be bringing my ex husband and the father of my children home to DC," Mac replied.

"I'm not believing my ears!" spat Mic. "What about us? What about the child we're trying to have? What about our wedding? Our life together? He's got no part in any of it!"

"No he doesn't," Mac replied. "But I can't leave him like this Mic. The pain he's in and...I can't do that to Lucy and DJ."

"If you leave him there," said Mic. "They'd never know he was ailing, but if you bring him here, where they can see him, that'd be far worse on them, Sarah. I don't like this; any of it."

"I don't either; I'll try to come home next week okay?" Mac sighed. "If he's improved enough to be left."

"Mac," called Harm from the other room.

"Mic, he's calling me," Mac sighed. "I have to go."

Mic sighed in disgust. "Call me as soon as you know when you'll be home."

"I will," Mac replied. Then quickly ended the call going to Harm. He'd sounded off when he'd called. "You okay?"

"I need to move a little," he said, shifting his upper body.

"Move how?" Mac asked going to him. "Do you need me to prop you up more? Are you hurting?"

He nodded. "Need to sit up a little."

Mac smiled softly, "Lean forward for me," she requested.

He did as she asked, albeit very slowly.

With Harm leaning forward Mac slipped two pillows behind his back, "There you go. Okay now? I think your fever's getting worse."

He shook his head.

"I think so," Mac fretted. "You're warm, Sweetie."

He reached out for her hand, taking hold and once again staring into her eyes.

"Harm," she said softly. The pain catching in her voice, as she fought tears.

Gently he pulled her down to his level. "I...I'm scared, Mac."

She softly ran her hand across his warm cheek, "Of what?"

His answer came hidden in a whisper. "Of falling in love with you again. I can't...I can't do it."

Mac bit her lip to hide the tears, "Why?"

"I had my chance," he said as his own tears began brewing. "I had it and I screwed it up, and now...it's not ...I don't have the right."

"Because of your condition?" she asked softly, knowing that was at least part of it.

"No," he said softly. "Because I'm in the past; I'm part of the life you had before. You have a new life now and I...I don't have any right to be a part of it outside of the kids."

Mac swallowed, she understood though, they hurt each other too much and since he did not remember their encounter, their words, well she'd relent, for now. "Can we at least be civil? Be friends?"

"I'd love to give it a try," he said, blinking back a few tears. "I'm just...never mind."

"I think you're tired," Mac said gently as if he was Lucy's age. "And its time for your pill. Feel like you need it?"

"I guess," he said, clearly not handling the matter very well.

"You're about to cry, Harm," Mac sighed. "If the pain is that bad..."

He looked up at her. "There's no pill that can do anything about this pain," he said as one tear after another rolled down his cheeks. He was trying his best not to fall completely apart, but he was on the very edge.

"I'm calling the doctor," Mac insisted, reaching for her cell phone charging near Harm's bed.

"My God, Mac!" he exclaimed. "Don't you get it? This isn't about my body! This is about my heart and how I..." His words ceased as he dissolved into a full-out sob.

"Harm, I just...I told you I'd be here and I am. You're the one who doesn't want that," she sighed as the phone rang again.

"It's...no...I..." His mind knew what he wanted to say, he just couldn't make his mouth cooperate.

"I have to answer that," Mac sighed. "Try to calm yourself down. This isn't good for you."

"Hello," Mac sighed as she picked up the phone.

"Mommy?" said the child on the other end of the line.

"Hi, Baby," Mac smiled at her daughter's voice. "How are you sweetie?"

"I'm okay," said Lucy. "I miss you and so does DJ."

"I miss you too, but you understand why Mommy's gone right, Honey?" Mac asked.

"Uh-huh," affirmed the little girl. "Daddy got sick and you needed to take care of him."

"That's right," Mac replied.

"Can I talk to him?" Lucy asked. "I want to tell him I love him."

"You know what, he might be sleeping. Let me check okay?" Mac said. "Hold on."

Mac set the phone down and looked in Harm's room, "Harm, it's for you."

"Who is it?" he asked, his voice still thick with emotion.

"Lucy," Mac replied. "You haven't talked to her in a while. She wants to hear your voice."

Knowing Mac was right, he took a couple of deep breaths and forced himself to calm down enough to talk with his daughter. Reaching out to pick up the extension, he did his best to sound cheerful. "Hi, Lucy Bear."

"Hi, Daddy!" Lucy exclaimed. "Are you all better now?"

"I'm not all better," he replied. "But I'm getting a little better every day. Are you being a good girl?"

"Uh huh," Lucy told him. "I'm living at Uncle AJ's house."

"Wow, I bet that's fun" said Harm. "Are you helping take care of DJ?"

"No," Lucy replied. "He's at home."

"He's at home?" Harm was confused. "Why isn't DJ living at Uncle AJ's, too?"

"No, he's staying with Mic," Lucy replied. "I'm here and he's there."

"How come you're not both in the same place, baby?" queried Harm, beginning to smell a rat.

"Cause Mic said I hadda go," Lucy replied. "He said if I didn't like his rules I hadda go."

"He said what?" exclaimed Harm, not liking this news one tiny bit. "Mic said you had to leave, is that what he said, baby?"

"He said I hadta do what he said and I didn't want to. He told me if I didn't like it I could go live someplace else. I said he's not my Daddy, then he put me in my room all night. That's when I left and Uncle AJ found me."

"He put you in - what do you mean you left and Uncle AJ found you?" Harm's blood was boiling by now, temporarily removing from his mind the earlier matter of his heart.

"I hate him, Daddy," Lucy whined. "And I wasn't gonna stay in there with no dinner. I went out the window and Uncle AJ found me."

"Does Uncle AJ know that Mic didn't give you dinner?" asked Harm.

"Uh huh," Lucy replied. "He gave me dinner, but no popsicle cause he said I should not have yelled at Mic or left the house."

"Well, he's right" said the disgusted father. "Lucy Bear, daddy needs to talk to mommy, but I'm so happy that you called to ask if I was all better. I love you so much, Button."

"I love you too," Lucy replied. "Daddy?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Are you gonna come home soon? I miss you," Lucy told him with a tiny whimper. "I need you."

"I need you, too, baby girl" he answered. "I'll...I'm not sure when I'll be...home, but I promise as soon as I'm...better, I'll come see you, okay?"

"Okay, I love you Daddy," Lucy chattered and then hung up.

"Mac!" exclaimed Harm. "Mac!"

Mac dashed into the room, "What?"

"Do you have any idea what's been going on at home while you've been here?" he asked, eyes wide with disgust.

"Yeah, what about it?" Mac asked. "I know Lucy's been sick."

"Did you know your fiancé sent her to her room for the night with no dinner? Did you know she crawled out her window and AJ found her? Did you know our children aren't even living in the same house right now?" Harm was pissed and he wanted her to know it.

"I talked to AJ last night," Mac sighed. "He was at our house. Did this just happen?"

"I don't know when it happened" said Harm, "but I know I don't like it one damn bit! No one treats my kids like that, I don't care who it is! What's gping on back there, Mac?"

"I don't know," Mac replied. "I talked to Mic eariler and he didn't say anything. He said it was fine. You know how Lucy exaggerates..."

"Not like this she doesn't!" he exclaimed. "Mac, he sent her to her room without feeding her dinner, just because he was mad at her! She's 5 - she's too little to be punished like that, and he has no right to ever punish her like that anyway!"

"He's going to be her father, Harm," Mac sighed.

"Like hell he is!" yelled Harm. "I'm her father! No one else will ever be her father, Mac! Not Mic, not anyone else you decide to screw around with now that we're ancient history! No one! She's my daughter and I'll be damned if anyone is going to mistreat her!"

"Harm, you need to calm down," Mac said softly, seeing his face get red and his brow break out in sweat.

Don't tell me to calm down!" he spat. "Things are happening to my children that I completely disapprove of and their mother doesn't seem to give a damn!"

"I do give a damn and I'm going to deal with Mic," Mac said. "I promise you. But you have to calm down. You're still very ill, this is too much for you."

"Gee you think?" he retorted sarcastically. "I never liked him, Mac, never! I know I don't have any say in who you go out with or play house with or whatever the hell you want to call what you're doing with him, but when he treats my kids like he did, I have a whole lot of say in that, and you better believe he and I will go a few rounds over this."

"And you have that right," Mac agreed. "But Harm, can you do something for me, please?"

He looked at her, his eyes wide and dark.

"Can you please just relax? Lie back in the pillows, let me get you some water, and rest. Tomorrow we'll call Mic together and confront him, okay?" Mac asked, running her hand over his left arm, which was showing more swelling in his aggravated state.

"This isn't gonna be pretty" he said. "You know that."

"I know that," Mac replied. "And I'm just as upset, believe me. Will you rest now?"

He took a deep breath in a vain effort to relax. "I'll try."

"How's the pain?" she asked rubbing his arm again gently.

"Worse than ever" he answered.

"Physical pain?" she clarified.

"Tolerable" he sighed, "but it might as well be killing me, everything else feels like it is."

"Okay," Mac nodded. "I'm going to get you some medicine. Do you want me to lie with you?"

"No, I can swallow it."

"Okay," Mac smiled. She returned a few minutes later with his medicine, "Here you go. Harm?"

He didn't look at her; he just lay against the pillows.

"For what its worth, I'm not happy with Mic either," Mac replied. "And...no matter what happens. I want you to come home with me. The kids need you."

He slowly turned to face her. "You mean that?" he asked softly.

"Yeah," Mac replied lying down next to him. "Yeah I do. Rest now, I'll be right here."

"I don't know what's gonna happen" he said, his voice growing weary.

"What do you mean?" Mac asked, unsure.

"There's just so much....I'm...never mind." His eyelids became so very heavy just then.

Mac ran her hand softly over his chest, rubbing it gently, "What Sweetie?"

"Trying not to" he whispered.

"Trying not to what?" Mac pressed for she sensed it was important.

As his breathing evened out and he drifted off to sleep, she realized she'd have to wait until another time for her answer.

In spite of herself Mac fell asleep as she held Harm. She always slept the best in his arms or at least in his presence as she'd slept so well the last month, better than since before he left home. Her sleep was not to be peaceful however, nor was his for it was his mumbling and his hot temperature that awakened her at midnight. "Mmm...no...okay..."

Mac sat up as she heard him mumbling and felt him shaking and thrashing about, "Harm?" she whispered. "Harm, wake up."

He didn't hear her, that or he couldn't get himself awake.

Mac reached out and stroked his cheek. He was hot again, hot and sweating. She leaned in closer, "Harm, its Mac. Please wake up. Come on."

This time he awakened with a start. "Mac? What...where...?"

"Ssh," Mac soothed. "Its okay. Were you having a bad dream?"

"I...I guess so" he said, out of breath and still shaking. "Lucy....she was..."

"Ssh," Mac soothed again. "She's fine. She's with AJ. Do you want to talk about it?"

He looked her in the eye. "She needs me, and I'm not there. I'm supposed to protect her and I can't... I can't even see her right now."

Mac continued to soothe his cheek with her hand, "Its okay. Maybe over the weekend she can fly up and see you. I bet AJ would love to visit too."

Harm shook his head. "I don't want her to see me like this. I want to get past being an invalid so I can be the father to her that I swore I'd be from the moment I first held her in my arms." He felt his emotions coming unglued.

Mac could see Harm battling, and knew he'd need a moment to himself. "I'm going to get you some Tylenol. I think you're still running a fever. Do you want some water or tea?"

"Water" he whispered.

Mac slid out of the bed and got him a cool glass of water, a few Tylenol, and the thermometer. "Open up," she instructed, coming at him with the digital thermometer that had become part of his anatomy for the last six weeks.

He did as she asked, holding the thermometer under his tounge until it beeped.

Mac took it out and read, "Not bad. 100.8, but that's better than lately. Tylenol, then talk, okay Flyboy?"

He nodded, taking the pills and water from her, swallowing both, and returning the cup.

"There," Mac smiled and began to tedious fever bath that was almost reflexive to her by now. "Harm, you said...I think we have to talk about the possibility that this is a persistent condition. We never did come up with a plan and we share children so..."

"Are you asking me what we should tell Lucy and DJ in the event I never come out of this?" he asked. "I'm trying not to think like that, Mac. I got like this out of stubborn pride and stupidity, and I'm holding out hope that my kids won't end up traumatized by it."

"I'm not asking what to tell them," Mac replied. "I'm asking how do you plan to live. If you had to get up to use the head could you do it?"

"I suppose eventually" he said, "If I had to learn to do things for myself, I'd be able to adapt."

"Adapt, to one bad leg and one bad arm, Harm..." Mac sighed and wiped his face gently. "I guess what I'm asking is...if this is...it for you...will you want to still see the kids?"

He was silent for what seemed like an eternity in his mind. "Yes. I can't fathom not seeing them, Mac - that was the nightmare I had; I can't see my kids and I can't protect them. I'm their father, that hasn't changed."

"Then why don't you want to see Lucy?" Mac asked wiping his neck.

"I understand," Mac sighed. "Harm, I'm going to have to leave in another two weeks," Mac told him.

"I know" he answered softly.

"Don't you want to know why?" Mac asked, dipping the cool rag again.

"I assume because you can't stay forever" he said. "But yes, why?"

"Lucy has a dance recital," Mac smiled. "I know she's love it if her Daddy was there to watch her."

He nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure she would. Are you really sure...you know...about me moving back to DC?"

Mac nodded, "I've been selfish, I've been mean, and all that's done is hurt the people that I love," Mac sniffled. "I don't want that anymore. I want my babies to have what I didn't, a Daddy that loves them. And I was serious about the joint custody too."

"What does...Mic think of this?" asked Harm, finding it difficult to even speak that man's name.

"That doesn't really matter," Mac said, her facign saying it did.

As he went to respond, a cramp overtook his left leg. "Oh shit! That hurts!"

"Harm?" Mac said gently. "What is it? What hurts?"

"Leg!" he exclaimed. "Left!"

"Your hip? Your knee?" Mac asked pulling back his covers. "Tell me. Try to tell me."

"Knee" he gasped out in obvious pain.

Mac looked at his knee and saw the swelling has increased. "Oh, Sweetie. Harm, I'm going to rub some salve on it okay?"

He nodded. "Whatever, just do it fast, I'm dyin' here!"

Mac quickly got the clear gel and poured some onto Harm's knee. His skin was hot, fiery to the touch and the cold gel shocked him.

"Whoa, damn!"

"I know," Mac soothed. "I know." She fell silent then, small hands began to massage the gel into his skin. She used two fingertips to get the gel into Harm's joints a process that caused him a great deal of pain and Mac by extension. As Mac worked she began to remember happier times when she's touched him like this, and caressed him like this.

"What?" he asked, sensing the change in her touch the more she worked.

She didn't reply, just lightened her caress again taking it from healing to something akin to loving.

Slowly, he reached out and touched her forearm. "Mac."

"Is it better?" Mac asked shaking back to reality.

"Getting there" he answered, his hand still on her arm.

"Do you need something else?" Mac asked looking at where his hand was on her forearm.

He answered her without words, instead he tightened his hold on her arm and very slowly pulled her towards himself.

Mac let him bring her closer to him, she always let him take the lead and now looking into his eyes, she had no choice but to follow him. "Harm?"

He stared into her eyes as his hands moved to either side of her face. "God, Mac, you're beautiful" he whispered as he brought her lips to his.

Mac once again let his lips claim hers. She opened her lips and sank into his kiss, relishing in the feel of it. "Harm, this...You're...I miss you."

"I miss you, too" he said, breaking the kiss only long enough to speak.

"Your touch is still gentle," Mac sighed as he ran his hands, one still mostly fluid up her arms. "Is this hurting you?" she asked, noticing some of her weight was on his bad leg.

"Nuh-uh" he gasped. "I'm okay...I..." He captured her lips again, kissing her even more passionately as he moved his hands down her back and pulled her in closer.

Mac rubbed her forehead against Harm's as he kissed her lips. Finally a tiny sob escaped her lips and her tears fell.

"Hey, Mac" he said softly, pulling back just a little. "What's wrong, baby?"

"We can't do this," she sobbed. "I can't let you touch me. I can't."

"Okay, okay" he whispered. "We won't do it, but why can't I touch you?"

"Because I'm...Mic," she whimpered and sniffed dropping to Harm's side and covering them both with his covers.

He wrapped his arm around her. "Does he hurt you, Mac?" he asked softly. "I know it's not really my business, but if you can't be with me right now because of...him, I want to know why."

Mac sniffed again, "He doesn't mean to," Mac sighed. "He tries to be gentle and considerate but he's just not..."

"I'm so sorry" whispered Harm. "I'm sorry that I put you in a situation where you ended up with someone who hurts you like that. Not that our bed wasn't filled with far too much pain for you at times, I...I always tried not to hurt you."

"So does he," Mac replied. "So does he, he doesn't do it on purpose. He's just not very patient and he doesn't...remember that night...that awful night I lost our baby?" Mac asked.

Harm felt a shiver at the memory. "I do."

"Remember I had to tell you to stop twice before you did?" Mac asked, not sure if she'd ever told him that.

"I don't remember that part" he said, "but I believe you."

"If you did remember...you wouldn't remember, if you heard me you'd have listened," Mac sighed. "Let's just say sometimes Mic gets wrapped up and he doesn't listen well. That and...Lucy or DJ...they are little kids and they have nightmares and get sick and nothing...I can't believe I'm telling you this. It's not like we're still together or even friends really..."

"It's okay" he encouraged. "If you need to talk, you can talk to me. I'll listen."

"Okay," Mac nodded. "In a minute. First I want to get some tea for you and me and I need the head. You lie there and rest a minute."

"Okay" he agreed, releasing his arm from around her.

Mac set the tea to brew, a medicinal pain relieving blend for Harm and a relaxing one for her, then went to the bathroom. The phone rang, in spite of it being after one am in Utah, as she did that.

Harm reached over and grabbed the handset from his bedside table. "Rabb."

"Oh, hello Mate," Mic greeted. "How's the patient?"

"Brumby, what the hell do you want calling here at this hour?" asked Harm, clearly irritated.

"I want to talk to Sarah now," he barked. "The kid is crying."

"'The kid'? Lucy?" asked Harm.

"No, Lucy ain't here," he slurred a bit. "The other one. Davy."

"You're drunk!" exclaimed Harm, immediately fearing for his little boy's safety.

"I'm not," Mic retorted. "Now I want to speak to Sarah."

"The hell you're not" hissed Harm. "Where is DJ? Why is he crying?"

"He's in the bed with me," Mic replied. "Damned if I know. He does this."

"He doesn't just cry for no reason" said Harm. "Why isn't he in his own bed?"

"He came in here with that damned bear you gave him and started wailing. He won't tell me why," Mic sighed.

"Well not if you're yelling at him" retorted Harm.

"I'm not yelling at him, I'm yelling at you because I wanna talk to Sarah. Where is she?" Mic hissed. "Let me talk to her now."

"No, I won't let you talk to her" said Harm defiantly. "You don't get to cause trouble and create problems with MY family and then call up here in the middle of the night and demand that I put her on the phone!"

"Why not? She's mine now and she's going to have my baby," Mic hissed. "DJ enough!"

"Don't you yell at him!" ordered Harm, wishing he could reach through the phone and strangle Mic. "And while we're at it, don't you yell at my daughter EVER again!"

"Someone has to," Mic retorted. "DJ, stop it buddy," he said this softer though.

"Well, that someone isn't you" hissed Harm.

"I'm going to be her stepfather, she must respect me," Mic argued. "Let me talk to Sarah."

"No, not until I'm done talking" said Harm. "You seem to have it in your head that you can just slide into my family, take over with my kids, with Mac, and that I'm not going to have anything to say about it."

"You haven't since the divorce, why again now? What do you need Mac? IS that it? She said you're bedridden. Is that why you're so interested all of a sudden?" Mic spat, then softer still, "Its okay little guy."

"She's not happy with you, Brumby. My kids aren't happy with you. Why do you want to stay where no one wants you?"

"She is too happy with me," Mic fought back. "And this little mite loves Uncle Mic. Its you that makes her unhappy. Its you he forgot about."

"It is not!" defended Harm. "Face it Brumby, you don't have the wonderful life you think you do."

Harm could hear Mac still crying softly in the kitchen as he fought Brumby, but Mic's next words cut him deep. "She's pregnant you know."

"She is not" said Harm.

"She is...she was inseminated just before she left on this Red Cross mission," Mic replied. "It usually takes. What is wrong with you anyway?"

Harm found himself shaken by Mic's revelation, but he wasn't going to go any further down that road with him. "Pneumonia" he answered, determined not to let his hurt over the other issue show.

"That's not all, Sarah told me so. What else?" Mic pressed. "How much is she doing for you?"

"None of your damn business" answered Harm.

"Yes it is," Mic pressed. "Tell me now."

With a sigh, Harm relented, for DJ's sake only. "She cooks, gives me my meds, helps me take a bath, just the usual stuff."

"Helps you...why? What is wrong with you? Pneumonia doesn't make you a cripple," Mic hissed.

"It does when it gets as bad as mine got" rebutted Harm. "It led to secondary illnesses."

"What illness?" Mic sighed. "This is like a bad cross."

Harm sighed yet again. "It's a form of arthritis, okay? I can barely move sometimes."

"Thank you," Mic sighed. "Now let me talk to Sarah. I want to talk to my fiancee."

Those words stung the core of his heart. "Fine." He covered the receiver with his hand and called out to Mac.

Mac came to the phone and within a few minutes managed to calm Mic down with soft words and promises to "be home soon." When she finished she sat beside Harm, "Sip this slowly."

"I'm sorry about Mic," she apologized when he'd drank some of the tea. "He gets like that sometimes."

"Yeah, I guess" said Harm.

"He really is good with DJ," Mac sighed. "What's wrong?"

"Are you pregnant?" he asked, failing to look her in the eye this time.

"What?" Mac asked shocked. "No."

"Mic seems to think you are" said Harm.

"We were trying...he's been drinking and...I'm not," Mac assured him. "Do I look pregnant?"

"Please, Mac, we both know you don't look pregnant until your fourth month."

"And you know that with Lucy and DJ both I had such bad morning sickness," Mac replied. "You know that there's no way I could be hauling your six around this bed if I were pregnant. I'd be in the bed instead."

He pondered her arguement. "Point taken. He did sound drunk and probably just wanted to piss me off."

"He did that," Mac sighed. "Harm...why didn't...why didn't you tell me you were on Cardizem?"

He shrugged. "Guess I didn't think about it."

"They put you in a hospital for two days for high blood pressure, and you don't tell me," Mac sighed. "Harm, I'm...we were married. We have to promise from now on we tell each other everything important to do with health, especially health."

"If you feel we need to" he said. "Though once you marry Mic, I seriously doubt you'll care very much about my health issues outside of how they pertain to the kids."

"You're very wrong," Mac whispered. "Very wrong."

"When is the blessed event, anyway?" asked Harm.

"Four months, first Saturday in July," Mac replied.

He only nodded.

"You doing okay?" she asked, touching his cheek. "Fever's coming down. You think you want to try to get up tomorrow morning?"

He shrugged. "Play it by ear."

Mac nodded again, "What's wrong Harm? Before you were like your old self and now..."

"I finally realize" he said, "that someone else, someone I really hate, has taken over the life that I never should have let go of."

"We're here if you want us," Mac smiled. "I wouldn't be here otherwise."

"But it's not that simple, Mac" he said, heartbroken. "I...even if I wanted..."

"You're getting tired," she whispered as she saw his struggle. "If you wanted what?"

He took a deep breath. "Even if I wanted to ask you if we could give things another try, you're with him."

Slowly Mac nodded, "But in spite of that, in spite of him, you're not alone. Please believe that. And please Harm, try...try to get better."

"I'm trying" he said, "but it's hard when I'm watching everything that means the most to me slip away. Mic said that DJ has forgotten about me. Has he?"

"No, but he sometimes...its not important now," Mac sighed. "Go to sleep."

Knowing he couldn't handle whatever it was Mac chose not to share with him regarding their son, Harm pulled his covers up and closed his eyes.

"Harm?" Mac said as he closed his eyes.

"What?"

"Why did you wait so long? When you first got sick?" she asked as she tucked his blankets around him.

"Told you, I was being stubborn and stupid."

"I don't believe that. When I first got here you said it was no use," Mac sighed. "Why did you say that?"

"'Cause I screwed up, wrecked our life, lost you, lost the kids, nothing mattered."

"And now?" she asked.

He opened his eyes and looked at her. "Everything matters, but...it's still lost."

At a loss for a response given Harm's dim memory of the other evening, Mac simply nodded. "Would you like me to stay as you go to sleep? Do you want me to stay with you?"

"If you want to" he replied softly.

"What do you want?" Mac asked, moving to the side of the bed all ready, showing what she wanted. She wanted to be held, to be treated softly again, and she wanted him to know that on instinct.

"I want you next to me" he said quietly, moving the blankets back to allow her to crawl beneath them.

Mac slid between the covers and carefully moved as not to brush his bad side, "Get some rest. I want to take you back with me for Lucy's recital."

"I'll try" he said, rubbing her arm tenderly, all the while his heart breaking over the whole situation.

Mac nodded, "That's nice," she whispered her voice fading as she was lulled by his touch.

Before long, he realized she was asleep, and he laid with her beside him, trying in vain to push the painful thoughts of how much he wished she wasn't with Mic out of his head.

Alas though he realized that could not be and he too succumbed too much needed rest.


	61. Chapter 61

A/N: See chapter one for disclaimers…

The chapter I posted yesterday had been cut off about half way through so I have reloaded it and added Chapter 62!

Dinner had been over for a half hour one Thursday night, a good while after Mac's return from her mission of mercy. She'd missed the kids terribly, and Mic to a different degree, though overall she was glad to be back home. As she and Lucy stood side-by-side doing the dishes, the realization that dinner didn't agree with her became an irritating fact. She pressed through the mild flip-floppy feeling in her stomach, the one she always got when she ate anything with too much grease in it, and together she and her daughter loaded the dishwasher in no time.

"Mommy, when is Daddy coming home?" Lucy asked Mac as she slid the last spoon into the dishwasher.

"In another month, sweetie," she answered. "He's not quite ready to come this far yet, but he will be before too much longer. Are you happy about that?"

Lucy nodded, "Is he okay by himself all the way out there?"

"He is," replied Mac. "He's getting stronger every day, and by the time he comes here he'll be so much better than before."

"Is he going to come back home?" Lucy asked moving to snuggle up to Mac.

She shook her head. "No, baby, he won't come back to this house to live. He'll live in an apartment not too far away, though."

Lucy leaned her body against her Mommy and nodded, "Can I see him more than before?"

Mac smiled and caressed the little girls head. "You sure can. You can see him almost every day if you want to. Does that sound like fun?"

Lucy nodded, "It does."

Mac smiled once more, a smile that quickly became a frown as the flip-floppy feeling in the stomach returned with a vengeance. She tried to ignore it, but within ten seconds she had moved Lucy aside and was making a mad dash towards the bathroom. As she leaned over the toilet and heaved every bite of her dinner, she vowed to herself that never again would she each that much fried food in one sitting.

Lucy's little legs pounded on the floor as she took off after her mommy, remembering a time before when her mother had gone off like that. "Mommy! Mommy, are you okay?"

"I'm okay, sweetie," she replied from the other side of the locked bathroom door. "I have a little tummy ache, that's all."

"A bad tummy ache?" Lucy asked with fear lacing her voice. "Do you need Uncle Mic?"

"No, I'm fine," answered Mac, pushing herself up from her position on her knees and flushing the toilet before going to the sink to splash some cool water on her face. After that, she opened the door and found Lucy heading towards her with Mic in tow.

"Sarah, what's wrong, Luv?" Mic asked, shocked and a bit worried at Lucy's insistence her Mommy needed him.

"I'm a little sick to my stomach," answered Mac. "No big thing, I'm fine. Do we have any ginger ale in the fridge?"

"Lucy, run and play," Mic commanded the child and moved closer to Mac. "Sarah?" he asked and softly touched her cheek.

She looked down at her feet. "Yes?"

"You've been putting it off," he said gently. "Don't you think it might be time?"

She sighed. "Probably. I don't know... I just hate taking those damn things."

"Why?" Mic asked. "They don't hurt."

"There are more kinds of pain than just physical," she said plainly. "I'll pick one up when I go out tomorrow if I'm still feeling sick, agreed?"

"Agreed, Luv," he agreed. "Why don't I get you some ginger ale and you snuggle up in bed, hmm?"

With a little smile, she nodded. "I'll go change into my jammies and put the kids to bed, then I'll be in."

"I can handle bedtime," Mic told her.

"Not Lucy's you can't," she said. Despite the best efforts on both of their parts, they couldn't get the little girl to warm up to him.

"You do Lucy, I'll do DJ? Deal?" Mic asked.

Once the child was in her pajamas, teeth brushed and hair combed, she crawled into bed and held her Pooh Bear close as Mac sat beside her.

Mac studied her daughter's face, "You are so pretty, Lucy," Mac said softly. "Are you feeling okay?" Her eyes had been a little dull all day.

"I'm kinda sleepy," said Lucy with a yawn. "Is your tummy still sick?"

"A little bit," Mac replied. "Mommy's going to lie down and go to bed early. Then I'll be all better. I love you, Lucy Bear."

"I love you, too, Mommy," she answered as her eyes fell shut.

Morning came, and as Mac's internal alarm went off, she pulled herself from Mic's embrace and rolled out of bed. She started for the bathroom slowly, but within seconds was moving as fast as she could.

Mic felt Mac's movement and had begun to stir. When he heard her slam the bathroom door and begin to become ill, he pushed it opened and knelt beside her, "Sarah?"

"I'm okay," she said between heaves. "Just give me a minute."

Mic waited until she was finished then took a wash cloth and dabbed her forehead, "Okay?"

"Mmhmm," she answered. "I guess it's time, huh?"

Mic nodded as they heard Lucy call out, "Mommy?"

"Do you have any tests here?" Mic asked ignoring the tiny call.

"I don't think so," she said before answering her child's cry. "Coming, sweetie."

"You stay still," Mic told her. "She can wait."

That as "Mommy!" came again.

"I'm going to go see what she needs," stated Mac as she pushed her way past Mic.

"Should I go buy a test?" Mic asked going after her.

"I guess so," she replied, not turning around as she headed for Lucy's room.

Lucy was sitting up in bed her hand over her button nose, "Mommy," she said softly when she saw Mac.

"Baby?" asked Mac. "What's wrong?"

"My nose," Lucy said and moved her hand to show her mother.

"Oh goodness," said Mac, trying not to sound too worried in an effort to keep from frightening Lucy. "Let's get you a towel, hang on."

Mac moved hurriedly to get Lucy a towel, fighting the wave of dizziness and nausea she felt. It was times like this she missed Harm badly. She returned with a white towel and held it to Lucy's nose while holding the child close to her body. "Do you feel okay?" Mac asked noticing Lucy was a bit warm.

"I still feel sleepy," she answered, nestling in close. "Can I stay home from school?"

"Yeah," Mac replied. "You can stay home and rest today. Maybe later we'll call Daddy. Would you like that?"

"Mmhmm," said Lucy. "I miss him."

"I know, Baby," Mac replied kissing Lucy's temple. "Want to lie back down now? Let Mommy see your nose."

Lucy slid out of Mac's arms and back onto her pillow. "I must have gotten hurt sleeping," she said innocently.

Mac nodded, "Yeah, that must be it." Mac leaned down and kissed the tip of Lucy's nose. "All better. You get more sleep, then Mommy will make you some French toast, okay?"

"With strawberry stuff on it?" asked the child.

"If you want, sure," Mac replied.

"I do," smiled Lucy as she hugged her Pooh close and shut her eyes.

Mac made her way back to the bedroom and laid back down as she waited for Mic to return from the drugstore. Something inside her was deathly afraid of taking the test, while something else told her it would all be okay. Unsure of which part to put more stock in, she wallowed into her pillow and let a few tears fall from her eyes.

As she laid on the bed, blinking away the fresh tears, the phone rang, startling her a little bit. She reached over to pick up the receiver, glanced at the caller ID and answered. "Hello?"

"Mac? How are you?" asked the familiar caller.

"Harm, hi. I'm okay," she replied. "How are you?"

"A lot better," he said, his tone indicating he was telling the truth on that. "Doctor says I'm almost good as new...well, okay, maybe not 'new' new, but a hell of a lot better than before."

"The swelling is gone then? And everything works?" she asked happy to hear he was doing better.

"Yep," he replied with a smile so big she could hear it. "How're the kids?"

"DJ is just fine," Mac replied. "He went to the store with Mic. Lucy..."

"She's sick again, isn't she?" he asked, his smile fading.

"Not really," Mac replied. "She had a nose bleed this morning and she's really lethargic, not much energy. I'm going to keep her home with me."

"Good idea," he said. "So other than that, everything is okay?"

Mac tried to hide the catch in her reply, "Pretty much yeah," she answered.

He caught it despite her efforts. "Mac... You sure? You sound sad."

"I'm not sad, I'm...I'm scared," she told him. It was still so easy to talk to him.

"'Bout what?" he asked, longing to help her in some way.

"Well, about Lucy of course, and...I think...I think maybe I might be pregnant." She said that last bit so softly he could barely hear her.

"Lucy and what?" he asked for clarification.

"I think...I might be...pregnant," she said just a bit louder.

Her words hit him much harder than he could have imagined. "Wow, that's...that'd be really great, Mac."

"Yeah," Mac replied. "But...I have to test when Mic gets back and...I'm so...You know how I got that last time."

"Yeah, I do," he answered softly. "It'll all be okay though."

"I hope so, I don't think I can take..." Mac began as she heard Mic come in the door. "He's home."

"I'll let you go," he said. "Give the kids a hug and kiss for me, and I'll call again next week sometime."

"I told Lucy we'd call you later. She misses you. She keeps asking when you'll be back," Mac told him.

"As soon as I can be," he said. "Take care, okay?"

"I will. It was nice talking to you," Mac said and hung up.

"Who was that on the phone?" asked Mic as he entered the bedroom with a small drugstore bag in his hand.

"Harm," Mac replied. "He uh, called to check on the kids."

"Ah, okay," said Mic as he pulled a box from the bag. "Here, go to it, my love."

Mac rose and took the bag from him. She went into the bathroom, and read the simple instructions on the back of the box. Quickly she did what needed doing and then left the bathroom to wait with Mic as he played with DJ.

"Three minutes," she told him and sought the support and comfort Harm used to give her as they waited.

"So what're you doing out here?" asked Mic. "Go back in there and wait."

"Its kind...I don't want to be alone if..." Mac said softly studying the floor.

"Oh, I'm an idiot," said Mic, standing up from where he'd been knelt down playing on the floor. He reached out and took her hand. "Let's go, we'll wait together."

They returned to the bathroom, and by then the three minutes had nearly expired. Mac was a mess of nerves as she waited for those last 23 seconds to pass.

When the time was up, Mac said softly, "You look."

Mic nodded and reached for the test stick lying atop the counter. He looked down at it, then up at her and smiled. "We did it. We did it!"

"Did we?" Mac asked. "Did we really?"

"See for you, love," he said, holding the stick out to her.

Mac took the plastic stick and looked two blue lines. With tears spilling out of her eyes she smiled, "I'm going to have a baby."

A month passed by, and the day of Harm's arrival back in DC was finally upon them. Mac and Lucy had gone to the airport to meet Harm while Mic took DJ to the children's museum for the afternoon. As she spotted the two men walking down the ramp towards baggage claim, Lucy got a huge smile on her face despite the fact that she was feeling feverish and tired.

Harm looked so much better than when Mac saw him last. He walked with no trace of the limp she'd left him with. "You see Daddy, Baby?" Mac asked her daughter who had begged and cried to be allowed to come with her mother in spite of her ill health.

"Yeah, I do!" exclaimed Lucy, as much as she could exclaim. "He's not sick anymore, is he?"

"I don't think so, Baby. The last time Mommy saw Daddy he didn't have the nice color in his cheeks. See how pink they are?" Mac asked trying to find some physical evidence of Harm's health.

"Uh-huh," answered the girl. "They look like the pink that's on my piggy bank!"

"That's the color healthy people look," Mac told her as Harm reached then with a trot in his step.

"Daddy!" said Lucy as she flung herself into his arms, temporarily forgetting she felt so crummy

"Easy, Sweetheart," Mac soothed. "Go easy."

"There's my girl!" said Harm as he pulled Lucy close. "Oh, I've missed you, Button, so much."

Lucy let her achy head drop to her Daddy's shoulder, "I missed you too," she told Harm and held on tight.

He sensed immediately that she wasn't well. "What's wrong with her?" he asked Mac softly.

"Sinusitis," Mac replied. "She wanted to see you so badly."

Lucy shook her head. "I'm kinda sick, but I'll feel better now 'cause daddy's here."

"Well, let's go get Daddy's things and we can go home, okay?" Mac suggested and swallowed a bit of nausea that hit her with the smell of food from the concourse.

Upon gathering their luggage, the group headed for the car. During the drive home, Harm grew more concerned about Lucy as he watched her nod off in the back seat, little head resting against the side of her booster seat.

"She needs to see another doctor," he said to Mac.

"She's seen her doctor all ready Harm," Mac replied.

"Something's just not right with her," he sighed. "She shouldn't be sick so often."

"I know Harm," Mac replied. "She did really well for a while, but she's been so much worse since. But I don't know...I've taken her to three pediatricians. They all say the same thing. She's a kid."

"I'm just not buying it," he said as he shook his head. "How're you doing, I haven't asked you yet."

"I remember now why I hated being pregnant," Mac sighed and swallowed another bout of queasiness.

Harm was silent for a moment. He knew she was pregnant; she'd told him the day she found out because he'd called her that morning, but every time he thought about it, a little part of him died inside. She's moved on, he'd given her no choice, but it was something he'd regret forever.

"Harm?" Mac asked noting his silence.

"Hmm?" he answered with a little start.

"Say something," Mac said.

He took a deep breath. "I'm happy for you. I know how much you wanted another baby, and I'm glad you found someone to give you that." His face showed his heartbreak despite his voice trying to cover it up.

Mac smiled, "Ugg. Can you drive? Are you cleared?"

"Yeah, I am," he replied. "Why?"

"Cause I don't feel so well, please drive?" she asked. He knew driving pregnant made her sick.

He nodded. "Sure, okay."

She pulled over on the shoulder of the road, and switched seats with him, silently praying she could keep her lunch down until they got home.

No such luck however, Harm did have to stop three times on the way back to Mac's place. She was nearly as weak as Lucy by the time he returned her to Mic.

"Need some help?" asked Harm as he and Mac opened their doors. He knew how rotten she felt.

"Get her inside first," Mac told him. "I need a minute and maybe some juice."

With a nod, he opened the back door, took a sleepy Lucy from her seat and carried her inside. His own stomach lurched when he saw Mic on the floor playing with DJ the way he himself used to do so often.

"Where's Sarah?" Mic asked rising from the game of airplanes and boats he was playing. DJ barely looked up from the floor.

"In the car," answered Harm as he shifted Lucy in his arms. "She's not feeling well."

Mic rose from the floor. "Come here, little lady," he said, reaching out for Lucy.

"Ow, Ow Ow!" Lucy whined when Mic took her from Harm's arms.

"What's wrong?" asked Harm, immediately reaching out to take her back.

"It hurts," she whimpered. "I want Mommy."

"What hurts, sweetheart?" asked Mic, turning away from Harm to keep him from taking the child back.

Lucy gave a few tiny moans, "Mommy!"

Meanwhile DJ rose from his game and went to Lucy, "S'ok, Lucy," he said patting her leg. "I fix it."

Harm hurried back out to the car. "Can you come in?" he asked Mac. "Lucy needs you, she's in pain."

"Pain?" Mac asked forgetting her own dizziness and weakness for the time being. "What kind of pain?"

"I don't," he said, offering her a hand. "I don't like this Mac, not at all."

Mac went inside on Harm's heel and heard Lucy crying out, "Ow! Ow!"

"I'm here, baby," said Mac, rushing to the child's side and holding her arms open. "Come here, come tell mommy what hurts."

"I do," Lucy cried and held onto Mac.

Harm put his hand against Lucy's little back as she cried. "Can we make it better, Button?"

"It hurts," she sobbed to her mother. "It hurts, Mommy."

"Has she done this before?" asked Harm of Mac.

"No this is the first time," Mac replied rocking her baby. "Mic, take DJ and play with him in the other room. Harm, start removing her clothes, maybe she hurt herself."

Both men did as she asked them, Mic retreating into the living room with DJ, and Harm carefully peeling off his little girl's clothes.

"Do you see anything?" Mac asked and she rocked Lucy fighting dizziness.

He shook his head. "Nothing. Baby, tell daddy where it hurts, okay?"

"My back," Lucy whimpered. "Real bad."

He looked closely and carefully at her back. "I don't see anything," he said to Mac. "Did you fall down, Lucy? Daddy doesn't see any booboo's."

"It hurts," she sobbed. "It hurt me when Mic's arm went there. I didn't fall."

Mac looked puzzled. "Mic's arm hurt you?" She looked at Harm as if to ask him what had happened.

"He took her from my arms and she started sobbing and saying she hurt," Harm told Mac. "I don't think he did anything to her."

Mac nodded. "I'm gonna take her to her room and lie with her."

Harm nodded, "Let me take her. Please."

"Okay," whispered Mac, carefully handing the little girl off to her father. "Go with daddy, love."

Harm took the tiny girl as she continued to cry, "Meet us in the living room. We need to talk."

Mac told him as she rose off the chair.

DJ sat playing at Mic's feet and a weak and pale Mac sat in the recliner. "I don't want what just happened to ever happen again," Mac said firmly. "What went on in here?"

"Nothing," said Mic. "I reached for her, took her and she started crying."

"You didn't grab her, pull her, handle her roughly at all?" Mac asked.

"Why do you have to ask him that?" asked a suddenly defensive Harm.

"I want to make sure that he didn't move her in the wrong way," Mac clarified. "He never did before, but I thought if he wasn't paying attention..."

"If he doesn't know now to handle a child," began Harm. "He best learn!"

"He's done really well," Mac told him. "He has. You didn't see anything?"

"No, I didn't," he said. "But I don't like how she feels and I don't like this line of questioning. He better never hurt my kids..."

"I didn't hurt her. I love them!" Mic proclaimed.

"Oh, somehow I doubt that," scoffed Harm.

"I do," Mic snapped. "She aggravates me sometimes, but I love those kids."

Harm rolled his eyes and ran his hands through his hair before looking over at his ex-wife. "So, what's the deal? What're we supposed to be talking about?"

"What to do," Mac sighed. "She's sick. We are all her parents..."

Harm pointed a finger at her to emphasize his feelings. "No, we're not. She has two parents, you and me." He looked over at Mic with a silent stare.

"We are all responsible for her care and well being," Mac sighed. "I think, if this is not an isolated incident of a bad body ache, to take her to a specialist."

"I agree," said Mic. "She's sick, it's not right and we need to do something about it."

"So what, we wait and see if this happens again?" Harm asked Mac as Lucy called out from her Mommy, though she sounded better, not in as much pain.

"Yeah, we do," answered Mac as she rose from the chair to answer the little girls call, but falling to the ground as a terrible dizzy spell hit her.

"Sarah!" "Mac!" Simultaneous cries of alarm came from the men as DJ shouted, "Mama!"

Slowly Mac sat up and shook herself, "I'm all right. I'm all right," she whispered and leaned into Mic who'd moved to her side and set his arm around her.

Harm moved in close beside her on the other side, refusing to stand back when she was in trouble. "Can I get you anything?"

"Go to Lucy," Mac told him. "I'll be okay in a minute."

Harm stood up and hurried down the hallway to check on Lucy. "You okay, Button?"

"Yes, I feel better. My back isn't hurting as bad. Where's Mommy?" Lucy asked. "I want her."

Hearing his little girl ask for her mother when he was right there and wanted to tend to her made Harm's heart ache. He wanted her to be happy, though, so he replied "She's coming, baby. She's coming."

Mac lifted herself off the floor, as Mic hovered, "I'm okay, Mic. Really."

"Are you sure, Sarah?" he asked, not letting go of her hands.

"I just got a little dizzy," Mac sighed. "I'm so worried about her I forgot to have my juice."

"I'll get it for you," he said, slowly letting go of her hands as if to make sure she wouldn't fall over again.

"You can't be so worried about her that you get sick, Sarah" countered Mic. "She'll be okay, and you need to be, too."

"Don't tell me how worried to be, that's not normal!" Mac insisted. "My little girl crying in pain is not normal and I'll worry as much as I want to."

"You have to think about more than just her," said Mic. "That baby growing in there, it needs you to think about it!"

"I have to think about them both!" Mac shouted. "Lucy, DJ, and this baby," she pointed to her stomach. "Now, excuse me, my daughter needs her mother."


	62. Chapter 62

**A/N: In light of the number of assumptions and predictions, as well as altogether off target guesses as to the premise of this story and what I mean and what I'm trying to do, I have decided to open a forum for this piece entitled Can We Ever Get Back to Before Discussions. I am all for the expressing of each person's individual opinions but some reviewers have taken criticism and added a personal edge. If you disagree with what I wrote, that is your right as an American and as a human being. However, no one except for me and my partner knows exactly where I am going with this and why I have chosen the path I have chosen. This story was concluded long before Mark's death so I am not using it as an outlet for dealing with that except to distract my mind from it by proofing and editing. I invite all of my readers whether fans or not to go to the forums page, read what I have written and share your opinions about my motives there. The review pages are to discuss the work…not my reasons true or not for writing it.**

**I understand I have changed the characters; that is my right as a fanfiction writer. I understand many do not like the path they've taken, that is their right as a reader and it is their right to share their opinions, I just ask that the opinions of my own personal intentions be debated on the forum where I have equal forum to respond to them. Thank everyone who has read and who will continue to read…this was a long, hard difficult path, but love or family or anything truly great in life isn't worth anything if you don't have to fight for it. I invite and ask all of my readers to continue supporting Harm and Mac and their family in their fight…I can only say again, those who choose to stay with me won't be disappointed.**

Lucy seemed to recover considerably in the following few days, much to everyone's delight. Harm was thrilled to be back home so close to his children, but even with the added time he got to spend with them now, the sight of Mac's ever-growing baby bump still tore his heart out. He dealt with it fairly well at first, but slowly sank into a lonely depression.

He spent his days recruiting at Georgetown and surrounding colleges, but his nights were spent in bed or slumped with a beer on AJ's sofa. The retired Admiral finally decided it was time to do something about it. "Harm, why don't we go to a game tomorrow night? The Hoyas are playing."

He shook his head. "I don't feel like going out, thanks."

"What about a movie? There's some interesting stuff playing," AJ tried.

Harm set his empty beer bottle on the coffee table and leaned back into the couch. "I can't. I just don't feel like it."

"Harm, it's been eight months since the divorce," AJ sighed. "It's time."

"My heart's not in it, AJ" he replied. "I'm watching the woman of my dreams, the woman I had and threw away, the mother of my children have a child with someone else, someone I hate. I'm not in any mood for socialization."

"Harm I just don't like seeing you like this. Mac's moved on, now you have to. You're going to take root on my couch. Here," AJ handed him a flier.

Harm glanced at the page. "Parents Without Partners? I don't think so, AJ. Maybe later, but not now."

"Come on, go once. Go one time and if you don't like it, I'll buy you a pot," AJ negotiated.

With a deep sigh, Harm agreed. "Okay, but don't expect much."

"Well, you better take a shower," AJ sighed. "Starts in an hour."

Harm willed himself into the shower, and to his surprise actually felt a good deal better afterwards. He scanned his closet for something to wear, and settled on a midnight blue banded collar shirt and Khaki slacks. With a final check in the mirror and a big, deep breath, he grabbed his keys and went out the door. He wasn't sure he was ready for this endeavor, but he was going to take it anyway.

Harm walked into the subdued room. It was held in the back room of a local tavern. He scanned the room and saw people from all walks of life, nearly an equal amount of men and women. He wasn't sure how to act, having been married so long, so he sat down near the end of one of the emptier tables after ordering a beer from the bar.

As Harm sat there and watched the people he was approached by a young woman. She was small, not more than 5'3" with curly hair so dark it looked black. Her eyes were nearly as penetrating a blue as his own, but there was nothing in her appearance to indicate happiness. "Excuse me," she said softly. "Do you have the time?"

"Uh, yeah, it's uh..." he stammered as he looked down at his watch. "Almost 1930." He couldn't help but notice how pretty she was.

She sighed and looked as if she might cry right there, "Two more hours."

"I sense that you'd rather not be here, huh?" asked Harm.

She shook her head, "I promised my sister that I'd try it."

"I made that promise to my friend," said Harm. "Seems this place if full of people here because of promises to others."

She gestured to the chair beside him, "May I?"

"Oh, of course," answered arm, rising from his seat to introduce himself. "I'm Harm, by the way."

"Analise," she replied. "Analise O' Conner."

"That's a very pretty name" said Harm. "Very different."

"So is Harm," she replied.

He smiled and blushed a little. "Yeah, I get that a lot, if you can believe that."

"So...what brings you here?" she asked. "I know you said a friend but...if you're here you have to be a parent without a partner so..." she blushed."I'm babbling."

He once more smiled. "It's okay. I'm here because I promised a friend I'd give it a try. He thinks eight months is long enough for me to wallow in misery."

"Eight months," she sighed. "Its only been six for me. Feels like a thousand years."

He nodded and played with the label on his beer bottle. "I understand that feeling. Whatever happened to the old adage of waiting a year after a divorce before looking for love again?"

"You're divorced?" Analise asked. "You seem...never mind."

"No, please," encouraged Harm. "I seem what? More like a widower than a divorcee?"

Analise nodded, "Yes. You...I can't do this," she blushed and her face fell.

He reached out a gentle hand and touched her forearm. "It's okay; tell me. You look like someone who needs a friendly ear, and I happen to have a couple."

She swallowed the lump forming in her throat. "That's sweet but...I'd rather be home with my daughter."

He patted Analise's arm. "How old is she?"

"She's seventeen months," Analise replied. "She just started talking. Her first word was Dada."

"Seems to be a popular choice," said Harm. "My little girl is 6 and that was her first word, too."

Analise smiled, still fighting her battle with tears.

"You little one was less than a year old when you and your husband divorced then?" asked Harm.

Analise sniffled and shook her head. "We're not..."

Harm processed her reaction for a moment before it clicked: her husband hadn't divorced her, he had died. "Oh God, I'm...I'm sorry, how rude of me."

"It's not your fault," she replied. "You couldn't have known. That's why...I want to go home." She pushed back from the table. "I'm so sorry about this."

"Hey, hey, wait," he said, rising from his seat and reaching out for her. "Don't go. How about we take a little walk?"

Two wet, but beautiful blue eyes looked up, "Okay. Just a little one."

Harm and Analise stepped outside the tavern. He kept his hand behind her but not on her, incase she'd need to be guided or assisted. When the moonlight touched her face she looked so pretty, so vulnerable but pretty and sweet. Maybe this wasn't the worse idea AJ had ever had. "So you're divorced?" she asked after walking a few minutes.

"Yeah," he solemnly replied. "Long story short, I blew it."

"What happened?" she asked then gasped as her hand flew up. "I'm sorry, that's none of my business."

He was quiet for a moment. "My wife got sick, and I handled it completely wrong. She withdrew from me, I withdrew from her, and in the end I lost her. I wrecked the marriage because I didn't know how to cope with things."

"My husband was sick and he withdrew from me," Analise said softly. "Its hard, watching a loved one suffer. Not being able to help. It's so hard."

"It is," he answered softly. "Harder than just about anything on earth."

"May I ask what it was she had? Was it cancer?" She said it like a dirty word.

"No, no, it wasn't," he said. "Endometriosis. It was very severe."

"I've heard of that. I can be painful. One of my closet friends had it. She's clean now but it made her sick," Analise sighed. "I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"It was hell," he said. "Cost us a lot, everything almost."

"And your wife has custody of your daughter then?" Analise asked. "Or what?"

"Of both the kids," he answered. "We have a 4 year old son, DJ, too."

"How nice. My husband and I were trying when he got sick. I still want to have more babies but...that's a dream now," she sighed. "What about you? Did you want more children?"

"We did," he answered. "We wanted two more, but it never happened."

"I'm sorry," she frowned as they continued to walk.

They walked and talked until late into the night, each finding themselves at ease with the other. Harm told her all about his naval career and his family life, and Analise told him about her work as a physical therapist. As the minutes ticked away on the clock, the two let down their guard a bit at a time; very slowly but surely.

They circled a radius of about six blocks many times over until Analise sighed, "Its getting late. I have to get back to Maggie."

Harm glanced at his watch. "Yeah, I should probably head back, too. Before I do, though, could I..." His voice froze.

"Could you what?" she asked smiling. "Could you possibly look any more frightened than you do right now?"

He smiled and blushed. "Could I possibly have your number?" It'd been ages since he'd asked a girl that question.

Analise smiled, "And what would you do with that?"

"Well," he began. "We could get together and take the kids out for pizza."

"You'd want to see me again, after I watered all over you tonight?" she asked with a tiny smile.

"A little water never hurt anyone," he replied, flashing her his Flyboy smile for the first time.

That smile sent a chill through Analise as she reached into her purse and removed a tiny notebook and pen. On it she wrote her name and her phone number. "Here. I work the day shift, but I'm always home by four."

He took the paper, slid it into has pocket and said. "Four it is."


	63. Chapter 63

**A/N: I did take into account many of the review I had received about being confused about where we are in refernce to time in this story. So I worked out the time as best I could and began adding time stamps as I had done before an I will continue to do so. If you'd like me to when I post the next chapter provide a more detailed timeline since let's say the Christmas chapter I will do so.**

**I also have taken into account some of the reviews, one in particular got my attention. It was from a reviewer that said and rightly so that when you write a story, especially one as controversial as this, you have to take the good with the bad and that is very true. I have received many reviews saying they dislike the plot line or they dislike the characters and that is in truth their right to feel that way and to express it just as it is mine to write this story or any other as I choose. What I don't feel reviewers or anyone has the right to do is to try to interpret my mind or my reasons other than what I have stated. I know there are people who have been hurt by this plotline and expression of Harm and Mac's lives…in fact I have read many stories where I felt that same way. I take issue though when reviewers or anyone else in any setting does not have the courtesy to keep their review to the material, the fictitious world of Harm and Mac, not the mind of the author, that is mine alone except for what I choose to share. This is for everyone's enjoyment and you do take the good with the bad and I do. If you have something negative to say about the fic…the review board is that place and I do listen and read them for constructive comments. I have readers who read me because they like my ideas or my style who might not necessarily like where I have gone and that is fine. I do know where this fic ends, I do know how I'm going to get there, and there is nothing in this story that has not been carefully placed where it is and how it is for very many reasons. **

**Why don't I just post the whole fic? I don't have the time to proofread all of that material. I proof a chapter or so a week, now that my life has some balance and I estimate there are probably about ten or twelve chapters left to go. Thank you once again and I once again say you won't be unhappy with the ending I have planned, I never promised anyone would like how we get there, but I did say that if you trust me and my partner and stick with us to the end you won't be let down.**

**Arlington, VA**

**May 26, 2006**

**2103 ZULU**

Analisa with her daughter on her hip arrived home that next day at three minutes past four. "Did you have fun today, Sweet Girl?" she cooed to the chubby tot, who giggled and blew bubbles at her mother's query.

"Let's have some…" Analise began only to cutoff the ringing phone. She reached for the handset, "Hello?"

"Hi, is this Analise?" the caller asked.

"Yes, it is," Analise replied. "Who's calling?"

"It's Harmon Rabb. We, uh, met last night a…" replied Harm hoping she'd remember him.

She cut him off. "Of course, I wasn't expecting to hear from you."

"I told you I'd call at four," Harm reminded her.

"You did, but often what people say and do are two different things entirely," Analise replied with a lilt of laughter in her voice. "Really though, I'm glad you called."

"So am I," Harm replied.

They talked for a few more minutes about their day and about the mixer the previous night before Harm stated his reason for his call, "So uh, last night I'd mentioned getting some pizza with our kids sometime."

Analise's heart began to beat faster but she fought to keep her voice steady. "Yes, it was a good idea."

"Well I'm not so sure it was," he began.

"Oh. Oh, I see well…" Analise replied not letting Harm finish. "Well I have to go."

"Analise," Harm interjected. "I wasn't finished. I was just going to suggest we, if you feel comfortable that is, enjoy a quiet supper on our own to get to know each other better, you know, before we brought out kids along."

Analise was quiet for a moment. She knew she should consider this offer thoroughly before she dove into anything. Michael had only been gone six months and Harm the previous evening demonstrated he was no past his feeling about his divorce or his former wife. Still in spite of very clear and rational reasons not to agree to this she heard herself saying, "I don't see why not. It might be fun."

"Yeah," Harm laughed lightly. "How about Saturday at 7:00?"

"That'll be fine," Analise replied. "Have you ever been to a place called Roberto's?"

"Yeah, I love their veggie lasagna," Harm replied.

"So do I," Analise answered. "So I'll see you Saturday at 7:00pm. Though I have to warn you, I'm always late."

Harm chuckled again, "So am I. You want to meet then, or how would you like to do this? We can do whatever makes you comfortable."

Analise considered this, "I think meeting would be best," Analise told him.

"Okay," Harm smiled. "I'll see you then."

Their call ended and Harm pushed the talk button on the phone and dialed a familiar number.

"Roberts," Bud spoke into the receiver on the first ring.

"Hey, it's Harm."

"Hello," Bud replied cheerfully. "How are you doing?"

"I'm good. I'm very good," Harm replied. "But I need some advice."

"Well, if its mine to give it's yours you know that. I don't have too long though, I have to take a deposition in half an hour," Bud answered.

Harm smiled, "Great. This won't take long. I met someone."

Bud was intrigued. That was last thing he'd expected Harm to say. AJ had told Harriet a few days ago that Harm was living as a virtual recluse, so Bud was needless to say shocked. "Oh, someone at Georgetown?"

"No, AJ mad me go to one of those parents without Partners mixers last night," he told Bud.

"And obviously you mixed well."

"Not really, but I did meet a very sweet woman. We spent most of the evening talking and long story short I got her number, called her up, asked her out and she said yes," Harm outlined.

"Well you seem to have it all worked out," Bud replied, happy for his friend. "So what's the problem?"

"Mac," Harm sighed.

"What about her?" asked Bud. "Does she know this woman or something?"

"No," Harm said. "It's just I have a really good feeling about this and I know she'll want to get to know the kids, she knows I have kids."

"Well," sighed Bud. "I'm glad you have a good feeling about her, but my advice is make sure first before you involve Mac and especially before you involve the kids. Lucy and DJ have had enough changes in their lives for now."

"That's what I though," agreed Harm. "But the last time I didn't reveal something like this to Mac…"

"You were married then," Bud told him. "You aren't anymore, unless this woman is going to become part of Lucy and DJ's lives Mac doesn't need to know about her. She didn't exactly consult you before she go engaged to Brumby, did she?"

Harm sighed. Bud was right. The reason there was even a question in the first place was because he and Mac were no longer a couple. If that weren't true, there would be no Analise. "You're right. I still can help but feel I owe her."

Bud understood that. He knew his friend would never forgive himself for what occurred between him and Annie or for what happened between him and Mac even though Harm and Mac both had paid dearly for their mutual mistakes. "Well, you don't. You did more than your share of time for this, you both have. Mac's moved on, and if you feel you can do that now, go right ahead and do it. You deserve it."

"Thanks, Bud," Harm replied. "I guess I just needed to hear someone say what I all ready knew."

"That's what I'm hear for," Bud replied.

"How about a beer next week?" Harm asked, a request he'd not made in many months.

"Sure, just give me a call," Bud replied. "And Harm…"

"Yeah?"

"Welcome back," Bud told him smiling.

Harm expected the day until his schedules date with Analise to drag given his unexpected excitement but the time really flew by. Finally it was Saturday night and Harm in a pair of well fitting khakis and a midnight blue shirt waited outside Roberto's for Analise.He's arrived ten minutes late and still he did not see her. Finally after waiting another fifteen minutes he saw Analise's petite form approaching.

"I am so sorry," she apologized. "The babysitter was late. I'm so glad you didn't leave."

"No, though I admit I was getting worried," Harm said before he reached for the door handle. "Shall we?"

Analise smiled and stepped inside, "Don't mind if I do."

They were seated immediately and once their wine and cheese arrived the pair were talking and laughing like good, longtime friends. They stayed at the restaurant until midnight just sharing and talking about the different things they'd experienced. By the time they left Roberto's there was no question in Harm's mind that it would soon be very necessary to introduce Mac to the idea of Analise being involved in his life and their children's lives as well.

For the next six weeks, Harm and Analise spent every minute one or the other wasn't working or busy with their children in each other's company. They saw movies, went to local concerts and museums slowing but surely growing closer and more intimate with each other. Finally as their sixth full week of dating approached Harm called Mac to arrange a meeting at one of their favorite coffee shops.

**Starbucks Coffee**

**Falls Church, VA**

**July 11, 2006**

**1712 ZULU**

Mac was there waiting for Harm when he arrived at the coffee shop. She'd taken the liberty of ordering him an iced coffee and sat with a glass of unsweetened decaffeinated tea in front of her. She smiled when she saw Harm walk in wearing his uniform. "Hi," she greeted and started to rise up.

"No, no, stay there," Harm told her and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek. "How are you feeling?"

"Not bad," she replied. "I'm over the morning sickness but ahead of the beached whale stage. And how are you?"

"I am very well, thank you," he replied and took a sit. "This is just the way I like it."

"Six years of marriage, there are some things you don't forget so easy," she replied.

"That is the truth," Harm replied for he vividly remembered the way her body looked at this stage of pregnancy. Not overly detectable with the naked eye when she was clothed but in their private moments it was very much womanly and beautiful. "How are things with Mic. Is he still angry that you wanted to push back the wedding?"

"I'm not sure if he ever really was angry," Mac replied. "He's just very opinionated."

"Oh, that's what we're calling it these days," Harm quipped.

"Harm, don't start on Mic. I mean it," Mac said. "We have to all try to get along if we are going to make a go of things on far better terms than when we started. Mic is part of my life and by default a part of yours."

"I know that Mac and I can say for certain if he were just a little bit nicer to Lucy and to you I'd have an easier time swallowing that," Harm replied.

"He's getting better most days and when he's not, he knows I'm fed up with his attitude,' she replied. "Maybe rushing like this was a mistake, but we've all made a lot of them this past year."

"That is for sure," Harm replied. "Speaking of people being part of our lives, there was a reason I asked you here today."

"You want more time with the kids?" Mac asked figuring with that prelude it was something like that.

"Yes, but that's not the reason," he replied. "A few weeks ago AJ was on me to go out and stop taking root on his sofa so just for my sanity I agree and well I met someone."

"You met someone?" Mac repeated getting her mind around it.

"Yes. We've been seeing each other for six weeks now. She has a daughter about a year and a half and well she's is anxious to get to know Lucy and DJ and for them to get to know her and I am too," Harm explained.

Mac sat there a moment, inwardly flinching at Harm's words, but on the outside she smiled, "That is really great Harm. I'm glad you seem to have found someone. You do seem to be genuinely happy."

"I am. She is sweet and hard working, and I know Lucy and DJ, and you too will just love her, but I didn't just want to show up with her one day, I wanted to give you time to digest this and decide what we need to do as far as Lucy and DJ and explaining things to them," Harm told her.

Mac nodded, "I think they'll be okay if we just tell them that this…What is her name?" Mac asked.

"Analise," Harm replied and couldn't hide the smile.

"Analise," Mac echoed. " I think we can use that this is a new friend of Daddy's…"

Harm nodded, "I just wanted you to be aware of what was going on. She's like to go with us this Saturday for pizza and to the movies if that is all right?"

Mac nodded, "Yeah. It's your Saturday so that is fine. It sounds just fine."

Harm was glad Mac took things so reasonably, though he could see a bit of hurt in her big brown eyes. There was in his eyes as well for the easier it was for each of them to accept someone new in the others life, the farther buried the past they shared was going to be. They finished their drinks and talked some more about their children and such before they parted company, Harm home to AJ's to let Ana know it was a go and Mac back to Mic and her children. It was a bittersweet parting in so much that it seemed their past was truly becoming buried, but that was after all what was necessary for life as they had arranged for it to go on.


	64. Chapter 64

A/N: Sorry for the delay. RL has been crazy. I should get the next few chapters up in a few days. Thanks for sticking with me.

Time passed and while Harm and Analise found their relationship growing stronger, Mac found that she was growing more and more fed up with Mic as the days went by. If she was feeling well, then all was just fine, but the days she felt sick, the days she really needed him were the days when he'd become the biggest creep on earth. The worst example of this was when both she and Lucy were down with a stomach bug, and he was tasked with caring for them both. He snapped at Lucy for everything, which made Mac feel worse in more ways than one.

"Mommy!" Lucy cried out. She'd just been sick again and her legs wouldn't lift her off the floor anymore. "Mommy!"

"Mic!" called Mac as loudly as she could given her ill and weak state. "Mic! Go help her!"

"I'm busy, Sarah," Mic replied. "Lucy, wait a minute."

"Go help her!" said Mac firmly. "She's sick, go help her!"

"I said a minute," Mic replied and went back to his reading.

With a pained, frustrated sigh, Mac rolled herself over and slowly climbed out of bed. "Mommy's coming, Lucy..." she called, hugging the wall with every step.

When Mic saw Mac making her way out of bed he scolded, "Why are you up? I said I'd get her."

"Yeah, next week maybe!" she spat. "Just never mind, I'll do it myself."

Mac made her way into Lucy's bathroom and saw her little one try to get up. It seemed as she pushed her little body just quit giving her help. She sat down on the floor and shivered with cold.

"Here, baby," said Mac, reaching out to her daughter. "Come on; let's go back to your bed."

"I can't get up, I don't have enough to eat in me," Lucy whined. "It won't stay in."

Mac sighed and brushed the child's sweaty curls out of her face. "Do you need to be carried?"

Lucy nodded, "I think so. I'm sorry, Mommy."

"Oh, baby..." cooed Mac. "Mic! Mic..."

Mic shot off the sofa and went to Lucy's bathroom, "What! I told you I was busy!"

"Pick her up and put her back in bed!" said Mac through gritted teeth.

"She can go herself. Go on, Lucy!" Mic stood with his hands on his hips.

Lucy tried to lever herself up using the toilet only to have her hand slip and her chin smack the porcelain.

"Lucy!" exclaimed Mac, pulling her screaming child close. She looked up at Mic and glared. "How could you?"

"You know how she get,s Sarah," Mic sighed and moved to take Lucy in his arms. "I'm sorry, Luce."

"I want my..." He little voice broke as she sobbed. "I want my...Daddy!"

Meanwhile, Harm was pulling caretaker duty as Analise and Maggie were down and out with the very same bug as Lucy and Mac. He'd spent four days taking care of them, dispensing medicine and refilling juice cups, taking temperatures and fetching cold wash rags when they needed them. He slept when he could, which amounted to about two hours a night before one or both of them needed him.

"Harm!" Analise called softly from her warm spot in bed.

"What is it, sweetheart?" he asked her as he hurried to her side. They'd been dating steadily since their meeting, and he was falling for her. Falling hard.

"Nothing really, I just feel bad you running around so much. How's you leg?" she reached out and patted his left leg. He'd told her all about his bout with septic arthritis and how his hip still ached and bothered him sometimes if he was overtired or not feeling well.

"I'm fine, I promise," he said softly as he felt her forehead. "You doing okay? You feel a little warm."

She frowned and shook her head, "I don't feel well. I'm tired, but my stomach won't stop cramping so I can sleep. How's Maggie?"

"Sleeping like a rock last I checked," he answered. "You want anything or you just need to sleep?"

She closed her eyes, "I want my stomach to stop hurting," she sighed. "I'm okay. I'll live."

He leaned down and kissed her. "Get some sleep, okay baby?"

Analise nodded, "I'm sorry."

"Shh...shh," he soothed. "It's okay, just get some sleep."

Analise gave another weak nod as her eyes closed.

As Harm left the room to let his sweetie get some rest, his cell phone rang. Glancing at the screen, he answered. "Mac?"

"Harm? Where are you?" Mac asked. He was usually at home this time of day.

"Analise and Maggie are really sick," he said. "I'm taking care of them."

"Well your own daughter is very sick," Mac snapped her anger at Mic coming out towards Harm.

"Hey, whoa," he said. "What's wrong with her?"

"She has a fever, she's throwing up, she hasn't been able to eat for three days," Mac listed. "And recently she was so weak she could barely stand and she smacked her chin on the toilet rim. She's been crying for you for half an hour!"

"Poor baby," he said. "Put her on."

Mac moved to give a still tearful Lucy the phone, "Daddy?" came a tiny weak voice.

"Hey, Button," he said softly. "Mommy said you don't feel good, huh?'

"No, I want to be with you Daddy," Lucy whined. "Mic isn't nice."

Harm sighed. "Baby, Daddy can't be there right now, but Mommy is and she can help you feel better, okay?

"Mommy is sick too and she has to take care of baby," Lucy sniffled. "Can you come and get me?"

"No, I can't Lucy," he said gently. "Miss Analise and little Maggie are sick, too, and I'm taking care of them."

That was met with no response than a fresh round of sobs.

"Lucy, baby..." he soothed. "Daddy is sorry, please don't cry."

Lucy took a breath, "I need..." She sobbed. "I...I want..."

"Calm down," he said. "Calm down, deep breaths, okay?"

"I want you to take...care of me," she told him hiccuping and trying not to be sick again.

"Tell you what," he said. "I'll come over for a bit later tonight, okay?"

Analise heard Harm soft voice speaking to someone. Her stomach was cramping and sleeping more than a few minutes was impossible. She rose from the bed, and steadying herself on the wall made her way to the living room. "Harm, is everything okay?"

"Lucy is sick," he said. "Sounds like this same thing."

"Do you need to go see her?" she asked.

He shook his head. "I'll go later tonight, just for a bit."

"Go see your daughter Harm," Analise said. "Go on."

Analise knew how devoted Harm was to his children and she knew he'd want to go see his little girl. So she urged him on.

"But you need me here," he countered. "And Maggie."

"Let me talk to Mac," Analise sighed. "Now."

Harm handed her the phone, knowing this was a battle he shouldn't fight.

"Hello?" Analise said into the phone.

"Analise?" asked Mac.

"Hi, Mac," she sighed. "You don't sound so good."

"Ugh, I don't feel so good either," she replied. "Harm tells me you and the baby are sick?"

"Yeah, we got that stomach flu that's been going around. I hear little Lucy is sick too," Analise sighed.

"Yeah, she is," sighed Mac. "She wants her Daddy, but you two need him to help you out right now."

"And you need to take care of yourself and the baby," Analise sighed. "Would you...How about having Lucy come over here? She can't make us sick or get any sicker and she can have Harm. That way you can focus on yourself and the baby, not to mention your little terror over there," Analise laughed. DJ was into so much lately.

"Oh, I can't send her over there," said Mac. "Harm-"

"What?" Analise asked.

"Harm doesn't need three sick girls on his hands," said Mac.

"You worried about his..." Analise left it unfinished. Mac was a woman, she'd understand

"I am," was all Mac needed to say.

"He says he's okay and he really seems okay. Let her come, if just for tonight. It might do you some good to rest and I know if he's worrying about her...Please," Analise asked.

Mac relented. "Okay, if you're sure."

"I am," Analise smiled. "I love having her. She's a doll."

"Thank you," said Mac. "That means a lot. Can Harm come get her, do you think?"

"Sure he can," Analise told her. "Maggie's napping and I feel so crappy that I can't. He can be there within the hour."

"Okay," said Mac. "I'll make sure she's ready."

"Thank you Mac," Analise smiled. "This means a lot to him. You know it does."

Mac smiled a little. "Yeah, it does,"

The two women ended the call shortly after. "Go get your daughter."

"Go get her?" asked Harm. "Really?"

"Really. Mac said she can stay with us at least for the night. She's sick too and she needs to take care of herself with this pregnancy being so high risk," Analise smiled. "We both know that Mic isn't going to." Analise moved closer to snuggle up to Harm.

He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "I like this," he said. "Not that you're sick, but...this, just being with you."

"I like it too," she sighed. "I feel better like this, you know. In your arms. You know I like Sarah, but she is a very stupid woman."

"How so?" he asked.

"She let you go," Analise replied.

He leaned down and kissed her hair once more. "But now I have you."

She smiled, "Go get your baby girl. And pick up some ginger ale."

With a smile, Harm took off to pick up his firstborn.

Within another couple of days, Lucy and Mac were feeling a great deal better, as were Analise and Maggie. Lucy enjoyed spending time recovering at Analise's house and under the care of her Daddy. Mac was nearing the middle of her fifth month of pregnancy, showing more and more each day. She loved it, as did Mic, but in very different ways. Sometimes she wondered if he wasn't using her as some sort of trophy, if the pregnancy didn't make him feel like a "hot shot" in some sad way. Harm and Analise had been dating for two months, and they were finding a kind of happiness in each other that neither had felt in quite a long while.

The night of the NATO ball was approaching fast and Mic would be attending with Mac on his arm. Harm would be attending this year as well with Analise. She was standing in front of the mirror clipping up her hair when Harm approached her from behind in his dress whites.

"I've got something for you," he whispered as he leaned in and kissed her neck.

"Really?" she asked securing the pin. "And what would that be?"

"This," he said, holding his hands out in front of her to reveal a diamond necklace on a soft gold chain.

Analise gasped, "Oh, Harm. I...I can't."

"You can," he replied softly, as he put the chain around her neck and fastened the clasp in back. "Perfect," he said with a smile.

"It's too much," she blushed. "It's too much."

A few small tears found their way out of her eyes. Harm loved how sensitive she could be at times, how tough at other times, yet no so much that she held him away from her heart.

"Hey, no, no," he soothed, reaching around to brush the tears from her cheeks. "No tears, you'll smudge your make-up."

"You are so sweet to me," she whispered. "But why?"

He gently took a hold of her shoulders and turned her around to face him. Lifting her chin up, he looked into her eyes. "Because I...I'm falling in love with you."

Analise looked up at Harm, blue eyes shining bright, "I...I don't...I..." she sputtered, her feeling showing in her eyes, but her lips not functioning.

Without breaking eye contact, Harm moved closer and gave her a long, sweet kiss. He stepped back after a moment. "We should go," he said with a smile. "We don't want to be the last ones to arrive."

"Can you get my wrap?" she asked. "I'll be just another minute."

He nodded and headed for the hall closet.

Mac and Mic had arrived at the ball promptly at 7:30. She was feeling sick as a dog, but he insisted that they come anyway. She hadn't been in such pain since her last surgery and she knew that she should be in bed and off her feet.

"Let's go sit you over there," said Mic. "I'm gonna mingle."

"Mic, I really want to go home," Mac sighed.

"You can't, Sarah," he said. "You have to be here. Just sit here and watch everything, I'll be around."

"Mic, my stomach really hurts," she told him. "My legs are swollen. Please Mic."

He sighed. "Give it an hour, and then we can go if you still feel bad."

Mac nodded and settled herself in her seat, moving her left hand to massage her stomach as Mic left to rub noses with some Australian dignitaries.

Harm and Analise entered, looking like the picture of happiness. She hung on his arm as if she was the most important woman in the room, and a part of her heart was starting to feel like she was. They stopped to speak with a few people before making their way to the table where Mac was sitting.

"Hello, Mac," Analise smiled. "How are you?"

"Sick," she answered. "I wanna go home, but Mic insists we have to be here."

Analise sat down next to her, "Sick how?" she asked. Harm hovered near with concern on his face, but this was Analise's alley.

"My legs hurt," she began. "My back is killing me, I just don't feel well."

"You shouldn't be here then," said Harm. "Where's Mic? I want to talk to him." He may have been there with Analise, but it didn't stop his protective feelings for Mac.

"He's somewhere," Mac replied and shifted. When she put pressure on her feet move she winced in pain.

"Hey, no, stay put," he said. "I'll find him." As he walked away, he added under his breath "Believe me. I'll find him."

Analise sat with Mac, "Are you retaining?" she asked seeing her pain at moving.

"Like a sponge in a bathtub," sighed Mac.

"You might want to try massage therapy," she replied. "Come down to the hospital any time tomorrow, and I'll help you out...I'm open most of the day so I can take you to the clinic there and introduce you to Michele. She was my savior when I was carrying."

"I just may do that," said Mac.

"I know," Analise replied. "Were you like this with your other babies?"

"Some with DJ, yes," answered Mac.

"Anything different this time?" she asked gently tapping Mac's hand with her finger.

She sighed. "He's...he's not Harm. What more can I say?"

Analise's eyes glowed, "No one is."


	65. Chapter 65

A/N: As of the time this chapter was edited and published the story had approximately 95 pages to go. Also as promised I will have the timeline from the Christmas before Harm and Mac divorced to the time where we are now at the beginning of the next update. I am going over the chapters to pick out all of the important events and make sure I time them accurately for you. As always I expect the flames especially for this chapter...once again I ask that any and all suspicions and guesses at what I am doing or why I am doing it are placed at the forum and not on the review board. I will address them at the forum and only in that setting. My reviewers that are using the review board to rate the content and quality of the work should not have to compete with baseless and inaccurate suppositions and should absolutely not feel they have to defend my work against them. To those that do, thank you and I am deeply sorry for those who do not care to criticize the work on its own merit but feel they must make a vain attempt at omniscience. Enjoy!

While Mac and Analise sat and talked, Harm found Mic across the room speaking with some officers from Germany.

"Brumby," he said. "Come with me. Now."

"I'm a bit busy here, Mate," Mic replied.

"This can't wait," said Harm. "Excuse us, gentlemen."

Mic rolled his eyes but went with Harm to a secluded area of the ballroom, "What?"

"Why is Mac here?" he spat. "She's sick!"

"She's pregnant. It comes with the territory, "Mic replied. "Surely you know that."

Harm moved to within an inch of Mic's face. "She needs to be home in bed, not here for you to show off! Take her home, or I'll take her for you. Is that clear?"

"She can't be in bed for the rest of the pregnancy, she has to suck it up," Mic snapped. "You go play with your new plaything. Leave Sarah to me."

He'd had enough. He backed Mic against the wall and got even closer to him. "Take...Mac...home," he said through gritted teeth.

"Not until I'm finished," Mic replied. "A meal, a dance, and then I'll take her home."

It was all Harm could do not to haul off and clobber Brumby then and there. He glared at him, blue eyes dark with anger. "You make me sick."

"Mutual, Mate. Very much so," Mic replied.

Harm backed off and Mic deftly moved away from him heading for the food table.

Harm followed not far behind, focusing on calming her anger for the sake of having a nice evening out with Analise. He took his seat next to her. "How about we have a shrimp cocktail?"

"I can't," she replied. "I'm allergic to shrimp."

"Oh, okay," said Harm, feeling bad for not knowing this little fact. "How about some chicken pot stickers?"

"Its okay, Harm," Analise smiled. "Its not something I often think to tell people. Those would be nice, Honey."

Mac looked over at the sound of another woman calling Harm "honey." She couldn't help it.

Harm nodded to Analise. "Be right back."

Harm returned a moment later with 2 plates of pot stickers, one for he and Analise and another for Mac. He didn't much care if Mic ate any or not, though part of him would've loved to see the man choke. Fifteen minutes later, a lovely dance song filled the room, "I Have Dreamed" from The King and I, and Harm offered his hand to his date. "Shall we?"

Analise smiled and took Harm's arm, "I'm not much of a dancer."

"That's okay," he said. "Neither am I. We'll just go out here and act like one of us knows what we're doing." He winked and smiled at her.

She smiled and took Harm's arm and let him lead her onto the floor.

"Come on, Sarah," said Mic, rising from his seat and offering her his hand. "Let's dance."

Mac looked up at him, eyes pleading, "Mic...no."

"Sarah," he whispered harshly. "We have to dance; everyone else is."

"My legs hurt me so much," she whispered.

"Come on now," he said. "Just for a few minutes, okay? Then we'll eat and leave."

Mac sighed and levered herself from the chair. It was all she could do to walk, let alone dance, still she made the effort.

"She looks miserable," said Harm to Analise. "I hate that guy, really hate him."

"I told her to come in and see me in the morning so I can set her up with some help," Analise replied. "She needs to have that fluid circulated. I hope she comes."

"Me too," said Harm. "Me too."

"You're worried about her," Analise observed.

He nodded. "She's Lucy and DJ's mother. I have to worry."

"It's okay to still care about her, Honey. You two shared a lot together," she said leaning her head onto his shoulder. "Let's go home. You need to not be in this environment. Want to leave?"

He looked over at Mac and Brumby, who were headed back to the table. "Yeah," he sighed. "I hate seeing them together like that."

"I know," Analise replied. "Part of you still loves her. I know." She seemed to understand, but there was hurt in her voice.

He looked her in the eye. "She's the mother of my children, but she and I are over. Okay?"

"Let's just go," Analise replied. "Let's just go."

Harm nodded, and the pair headed for the exit.

They arrived at Analise's home shortly before 2130. They hadn't said much on the drive home, Harm because he was upset about the way Mac was being treated by her new-found love, and Analise over...the same thing, but in a different way. She felt badly for Mac, and she wished the man in her life would treat her better, the way she knew Harm had treated her in days gone by. Still, a part of Analise couldn't help but be afraid that the worry Harm was feeling for Mac meant more than it appeared on the surface.

Analise took off her shoes and placed her purse on the sofa. She was still being quiet, fighting an inner pain. Harm had told her he was falling in love with her, but she was still scared she'd lose him back to Mac. "Well, maybe I'll see you soon."

He looked at her, slightly puzzled. "You okay?"

"Fine," she replied as she began to remove pins from her hair.

"Somehow I don't really think you are," he said gently.

"Well what do you think?" she asked. "You asked how I was, I told you."

He walked up behind her and reached out to touch her shoulder. "I think you're upset at me, and if I had to guess why, I'd guess it has to do with what happened at the ball."

"I'm not upset at you, not at all," she replied truthfully.

"Then talk to me," he said softly. "Something has you down, I know it does. Please tell me."

Shining blue eyes met his eyes, "Did you mean it?" she asked.

"Did I mean it when I said I'm falling in love with you?" he asked in reply, his voice low and soft.

Two tears spilled out of her eyes as she nodded her head.

He stepped in closer to her and raised her chin up with a gentle touch of his fingers. "Yes."

"Do you still love Mac?" she asked.

"A part of me does, yes," he admitted. "The part of me that loves the mother of my children and the life I once had with her, yes. The rest of me, though...is in love with you."

She sobbed then and fought with him for control of her face. She wanted to look down, to hide her tears, tears of happiness mixed with fear.

"It's okay," he whispered. "You can cry to me. I want you to."

And she did. With those soft whispered words Analise let down the walls she'd erected to protect her heart. The force of her emotion was so fierce she started to slip to the floor.

He caught her and pulled her close, holding her in silence for a few moments. He wasn't sure of what to think, just that he was falling for this beautiful woman...falling fast.

"Analise, please talk to me," he whispered. "Let me in. Tell me what you're feeling right now."

"I'm..." she hiccupped. "I'm scared."

He tightened his arms around her just a bit more. "Scared of what?"

"Scared of..."she sobbed. The next part was whispered very softly, "Of losing you."

Harm sighed. "Like you lost Michael?"

She sobbed as she nodded, "I watched him die. I watched it."

"That had to be so hard," he said. "I'm so sorry."

"And...I'm scared now because..."she struggled for breath, a losing battle.

"Shh..." he soothed. "Calm down and try to tell me. Are you afraid I'll leave you...like he did?"

She nodded again, "I'm afraid to love you," she managed. "But..."

He looked deep into her eyes. "But...you do."

Again a small nod, "Don't...let go."

"I won't" he whispered. "I won't." He gazed into her eyes then, unsure of what the next seconds held for them. Analise met his gaze, pretty eyes puffy from her emotional storm, "I can only be like this with you," she told him, letting herself open completely to the man who held her in his arms.

He moved in for a sweet, gentle kiss, holding her in his arms and walking her backwards ever-so-carefully to the edge of the bed before breaking the kiss and staring once more into her eyes. "Is this what you want?" he asked, his voice barely audible.

"Is what?" she asked softly.

"Us," answered Harm. "Here. Tonight."

Analise blushed, "It's been a long time, I might not..."

"It's okay," he said with a gentle smile. "We don't have to do this...I just...If you want to..."

"What do you want?" she asked him running small hands up his chest and over his broad shoulders.

"I want to," he answered gently. "I do."

"You may be disappointed," she frowned but leaned in a bit closer to his warmth. "I was only ever with Michael."

"I don't think it matters," he said. "What matters is I'm in love with you."

"I love you," she whispered and lifted her tear stained face to his.

Harm leaned down and placed a soft kiss on Analise's lips before he let his large hands drift down to unzip the back of her dress.

"Is this okay?" he asked softly.

Analise nodded, "Go on."

Harm unzipped her dress and moved his large hands to slide it off her shoulders. He paused to drop an angel kiss on her shoulder just to the left of her bra strap.

She shuddered at the feel of his kiss.

He continued his assault on her body, his slow exploration until he's lowered her dress to a pool around her feet. He moved to lower her to the bed so she was lying beneath him. "Okay?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied with a whisper.

Harm moved to lie on top of her still fully clothed. "Tell me what you'd like, Baby."

"I want to see you," she said, reaching up for the top button of his shirt.

Analise's small fingers worked to unbutton the buttons on Harm's dress uniform until the top fell opened. He shrugged out of it and assisted her in removing his undershirt. "Well?" he asked a bit shy.

She smiled. "You're very handsome."

He blushed, "Oh yeah?"

"Mmhmm," she answered, running her hands slowly up and down his bare chest.

"May I?" he asked, running too long fingers beneath the delicate straps of her black bra.

"Please do," she answered quietly, her fear melting away a tiny bit.

Harm slipped his hands behind her back and opened her bras clasp. He gently maneuvered her to allow her breasts to fall open. They were large, well formed, and..."You...there aren't words for what you are," he whispered reverently.

She shivered at the sound of his voice, the tenderness of his words. "Thank you," she said, almost too softly to be heard.

"I want to taste you," he whispered. "Is that..."

She replied with a silent nod.

Harm leaned down and placed his soft warm lips on her breast. Slowly, reverently he explored every inch of sensitive pale skin before taking her nipple into his mouth and gently sucking on it. His other hand played with her left breast, teasing it to arousal.

"Mmmmm, God," she moaned.

"Is that nice, Honey?" he asked. "Do you like that?"

"Uh huh," she said, thinking for sure her body was melting into the sheets.

Harm continued his gentle touches of Analise's soft body. She was different than Mac, than anyone, shy, not very responsive. He removed her stockings one by one trailing kisses along her legs as he did so. He removed his own pants and socks as she lay against the sheets panting before he returned to her legs, beginning at the ankle bone and kissing up her leg until his lips came close to her private place.

"What're you doing?" she asked, her heart beating fast.

"Making love to you," he replied softly moving a bit closer with his lips.

"Okay," she said, trusting his every move.

"I want to...is...can I?" he asked not knowing what her experiences with Michael had been like.

"I've never..." she said.

"I won't if..." he gasped. "Just tell me, Baby. You're the leader. Nothing you don't want, anything you do."

"Okay," she said, closing her eyes and relaxing even more than she was. "It's okay."

Harm moved his lips over so he could kiss her sex. She was small all over, he was sure he'd hurt her when he took her body. He rubbed her legs as he kissed the soft satin folds of her womanhood making her gasp for breath until the pain of his own arousal was too much and he let forth a groan.

"Harm?" she asked. "Is..?"

He groaned again at the building pressure. "What?" He gasped, his voice sounding almost pained.

"You okay?" she panted.

He panted, "No."

"Why?" she inquired, writhing beneath his affections.

"I want you so bad..."he gasped. "So bad it hurts."

"What's stopping you?" she asked, not at all ready for the pleasure to end, but instead making sensual conversation.

"I need you..." he gasped. "To be ready. I don't'...want it to hurt."

"Me either," she whispered. "Do whatever you think I need."

He moved up to meet her eyes, and leaned over to kiss her letting his bulging sex press against her entrance. When he lifted his mouth from her he whispered, "Analise, I love you. I love you so much, Baby."

She felt the tears building again. "I love you, too," she managed to gasp out.

Harm pressed his weight against her and lowered himself into her warmth. She was tight, like a glove a size to small.

She drew in a sharp breath, but didn't say anything.

Harm froze, "Ana, Ana, did I...?" The fear and remorse in his eyes was unmistakable.

"Just hurts a little," she answered, her eyes still closed. "Just give it a minute."

He heard the words hurts and immediately began to pull out.

"No, no no," she said, holding his shoulders in an effort to stop him. "I'm okay, just stay still for a moment."

"But I'm hurting you," he said it with such a mournful sound it broke her heart.

"It's better now," she said softly. "It is. Just move slowly, okay?"

"Are you sure? We can stop..." His blue eyes were wet with unshed tears.

"No, I don't want to stop" she said. "Please? It's okay."

Harm nodded and began to move. He did it just as she asked, slowly up and down until she was on the edge. He whispered to her, told her she was his, that she was special, precious to him until finally climax came to both of them. When they were finished Harm collapsed against Analise's chest and let the tears come.

At first, he wasn't sure why he was crying, but after only a moment, it hit him. He was falling for this beautiful, amazing woman with part of his heart...a big part...while still loving Mac with the other.

"Harm?" Analise asked softly stroking his hair. "Are you all right, Baby?"

He nodded a little, but continued to cry. "I didn't know it'd be like this," he whispered.

"Be like what?" she asked. "Did I disappoint you? I did, didn't I?"

"Oh, no, no," he said softly. "I mean I...to love you and then to..."

"To?" she pressed fingers stroking the hairs on the back of his neck.

He looked her in the eye. "To miss her like I still do."

Analise smiled softly, "I know. I miss Michael too, even like this. The difference is we have to realize what is past and what is the future."

With another small nod, he rested his head against her shoulder.

Analise held him close to her, stroking his sweaty back. "Harm, I'm going to have to get up soon, Honey."

"Okay," he whispered. "I'm...I'm sorry for crying..."

"Don't apologize. Its one of the things I love most about you, you don't hide your feelings," she replied. "You can lie here as long as you want to, but I have to be dressed when Mary brings Maggie home. Then we can hold each other all night if you'd like."

"That sounds nice," he said, wiping away a tiny tear.

Analise leaned down and softly kissed Harm's lips. "You stay warm, I'll be back soon."

Harm lay in the bed and settled his mind after Analise had risen and gone to dress. He felt strange, almost guilty in a way, for feeling the way he did about her, knowing so much of his heart was still with Mac. The more thought he gave it, though, the more he began to wonder if perhaps he could be happy with this new person, this new life he'd stumbled upon. As he lost himself in his thoughts, the cries of a cranky Maggie shook him back to reality.

Feeling his heart break at the sound, he threw back the covers and got out of the bed. "What's wrong with her?" he asked Analise as he met her in the hallway.

"I don't know," she sighed. "She's been fussy all night for Mary."

"Is she teething?" he asked, remembering the countless nights he walked the halls with Lucy as she cut teeth.

Analise thought, "A molar maybe?"

"Possible, sure," said Harm, reaching his hands out to the baby. "Will you come see me, sweetie?"

For a moment Maggie's cries dwindled and she let Harm take her into his arms and cuddle her close. She put her finger in her mouth and laid her head on his shoulder.

"She seems sleepy," he said as he began to rub her back. "Got any baby Tylenol?"

"In the bathroom," Analise replied. "She likes you."

Harm smiled. "Yeah, she seems to, huh?"

"It's easy to do," Analise smiled and brought him the Tylenol. "Here you go. You are such a great Dad. Lucy and DJ are very lucky."

He blushed a little. "Could you measure it out for me, please?" he asked. "Then I'll give it to her and see if a little walk around the house combined with the meds won't help her calm down."

Analise quickly measured out the baby's medicine and helped Harm get the liquid into her. He held the small body against his chest and cuddled her until his warmth finally lulled her to sleep.

Sure enough Harm's little walk did the trick and Maggie fell asleep in his arms. He laid her in her crib after placing a tiny kiss on her forehead then returned for Analise. He held her in his arms and took her to bed. "Harm?"

"Mmhmm?" he replied, turning to face her.

"I've fallen in love with you," she told him. "And I'm so happy."

Harm leaned over to kiss her gently on the lips, "So am I. For the first time in a long time, so am I."


	66. Chapter 66

See chapter one for disclaimers

**Late August 2006**

**Analise's Apartment**

A few weeks later, Harm had all but moved in with Maggie and Analise. As Mac's pregnancy grew and her health declined the children spent more and more time with them. In fact, after one particularly bad appointment at the doctor's in which Mac was told to avoid stress and remain in bed for one week Harm and Analise took Lucy and DJ to her apartment.

Both children blossomed being with their father full time again, if just for awhile. Lucy was showing signs of being the sweet adorable child she had been before a pattern of ill health had squelched her spirit. Over pizza one evening she made an announcement, "Daddy, you know my friend Carrie?" she asked.

"Yes," Harm replied. "I think I remember her, Button."

"She's going to be a ladybug," Lucy informed him.

"A ladybug? Isn't it a bit early to be thinking of Halloween costume ideas?" Analise asked.

Lucy giggled and Harm smiled at the sound, "No, Ladybugs is a soccer team," Lucy told her.

"A soccer league, actually," Harm corrected. "They are made up of girls 6-9. Do you want to be a ladybug Lucy?"

Lucy beamed, "Yes. I want to play with Carrie and all of my other friends. I can run fast."

"You sure can," Harm replied. "Did you talk to Mommy about this yet?"

Lucy shook her head, "No. I didn't want to bother her."

Harm felt his hard strings tug, "Lucy Bear, you or DJ will never be a bother to me or to Mommy no matter what, okay?" He asked and held her gaze for confirmation.

Lucy looked into his eyes and nodded, "I know that. But Mommy gets tired and she has the baby in her belly."

"Still, Mommy and Daddy will never be too tired for you or for you," he looked over at DJ. "Okay, Buddy?"

"Okay," DJ replied. "Can I have juice?"

Analise had to laugh at that one. There was such a startling difference between the Rabb children even though their numerical ages were close. DJ was still at an age where as long as his needs were met and he was kept engaged and entertained he was okay. Lucy was reaching and age where she was developing emotions, conscience, not like she had not had an over equipped one like her father since birth but she was becoming more and more of a full person, rather than a child. She was even more than usual becoming aware of the needs of others and those needs along with her own.

Harm reached out and ruffled Lucy's hair. She had such thick curly hair. He knew where the thickness came from, her mother but the curls were a mystery to him. "Tell you what, next week when you go home to Mommy we'll ask her if its all right for you to be a Lady Bug. How does that sound?"

Lucy beamed, "Okay," she replied and offered him a wide smile.

After all that had happened to her in her young life, everything from his near drowning incident to DJ's birth to Mac's illness and their divorce it was sometimes still a miracle to Harm that she could smile like that, a true Rabb smile. He marveled also at how time flew. Two years had nearly passed since the disastrous events in Mexico, his one night affair with Annie. This time last he and Mac had been gutting each other in a custody fight, and now Mac was carrying a baby with Mic and he was happily playing house with a widowed physical therapist he'd grown to love deeply. How the times changed.

The five of them Harm, Analise, Lucy, DJ, and baby Maggie finished their supper. Harm cleaned up the table and wrapped and froze the remainder of their pizza while Analise took care of the baths and bedtime routines. Harm went into the children's rooms to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight.

It was past 10:30 when Harm and Analise prepared for bed. Harm had changed and was sitting up in bed reading novel when Analise came out of the bathroom. She showered every night. She told him it helped her unwind and wash her day down the drain so she could get a restful night sleep. It worked too because Analise slept like a rock every single night. He knew because he was losing sleep and spent most of that time awake watching her. Tonight like every other night she walked out of the bathroom in her short pink bathrobe covering one of his undershirts with a towel in her hand. She used the ends of the towel to dry the drops from the ends of her hair, and then threw the towel on the laundry pile. Once that was done, she'd remove the robe, leave it on the bottom of the bed for easy access then reach for the bottle of body lotion. One leg at a time, with her foot on the end of the mattress she massaged the cream into her legs. It was as she did this she asked him, "Harm, is Lucy particularly clumsy?"

The query struck him as odd. He lowered his book and met her face, "Not really. Why?"

"She has a lot of bruises on her legs and some on her arms," Analise answered.

"Hmm," Harm sighed. He thought it a bit odd, and then recalled their supper conversation. "She's into this soccer stuff now. Maybe that's why," he reasoned.

"Maybe," Analise replied slipping into bed beside him. She seemed unsure and ill at ease. She continued their conversation by asking, "Did you talk with Mac at all today?"

"I called but I couldn't get past Brumby," he replied. "He said she's feeling better today and that she should be ready to take the children back next week like we planned."

She leaned her head against his shoulder, "I know you love having them here. And they can stay as long as necessary, you know that."

"I know that," he affirmed. "What I don't know is what is bothering my girl tonight. Did you have a bad day at work?" He asked this as he cuddled her in closer.

"No more than usual," she replied. "It's more work than I could imagine with the children here. It's tiring keeping up with three."

Harm looked at her skeptically. It was a cover and he knew it. "If I didn't know you as well as I do I'd believe you, but I know you better than that. Come on now, what is it?"

She shook her head, "Sometimes I still feel scared I guess. I mean you and Mac had so much invested in each other. Now that the anger and the pain is passing…and you seem so concerned…"

Harm cut her off at the pass by pressing his lips to hers in a tender kiss. "I love you, Ana. I am connected with Mac. The two most precious people in my world are in my world because of what I shared with her. But as powerful a bond as that is, that's all it is a bond shared between people who shared a life and share children. That is all it is."

Analise nodded, "Yes, but…"

"No buts, no ifs," he replied. "I love Mac as a friend, as the mother of my children, as someone I shared a lot of intimate moments with and that is all. She's moved on with Mic. And I…" he smiled and leaned in to kiss her on the tip of her nose. "Was lucky enough to move on with you."

Analise settled with that explanation and snuggled in close. She hated feeling insecure and feeling the need to question Harm's motives or feelings but as she spent more time with Harm's friends and learned about his life, his love with Mac she feared no even divorce, no amount of infidelity or anger could sever that tie completely. But moments like this one they were sharing now as a couple choosing to share their lives she didn't doubt the sincerity in his voice when he told her of his love.

The pair clung closer to each other and enjoyed a few more moments of lighter chit chat before turning in for the night.

The rest of the week passed very quickly and all too soon it was time for DJ and Lucy to go back to stay with Mac and Mic. The week of bed rest had done her a lot of good. Harm could tell that just by her color and her renewed energy when he brought the children home Sunday evening.

"You look much better," Harm said as he carried in Lucy and DJ's bags. The children had all ready greeted their mother and were off to play with toys they'd been separated from while with their father. "Feel better?"

"I do," Mac replied. "The rest was just what I needed. The kids keep you on your toes?"

"They wouldn't be our kids if they didn't," Harm replied. "Speaking of which, I wanted to talk to you about Lucy."

"What?" Mac asked with mild apprehension. "Another nosebleed?"

"No, not the entire time," Harm answered. "She asked me about joining that soccer league, The Ladybugs. I told her I'd talk with you about it."

Mac sat down, "Well, I don't see why it would be a bad idea if she really wants to do it. She hasn't really been interested in anything like that since she stopped wanting to dance."

Harm smiled. He was finally beginning to see glimpses of the little girl he knew before he and her mother had turned her life into a tug of war. She was finally beginning to heal from that damage. "I know and it is wonderful to see believe me. Listen, Mac, if you don't mind this is something I'd like to do with her, you know take charge of so to speak."

"Like volunteer to be a coach?" Mac inquired.

"I don't know about that, but you know get her signed up and run her to practice and pick her up, things like that," he explained.

"I don't see why not," Mac replied. "You and Lucy could use some extra bonding time. DJ too if he'd want to go watch her with you sometimes. I think it would be good for them."

Harm smiled from ear to ear at that. He still marveled at the difference in circumstances from just one year ago, "Okay then its settled. When should I tell her?"

"No time like the present," Mac replied and Harm smiled broadly.

**A/N: Sorry for the delay in updating. Real life has been very hectic lately. Also, Snugglebug and myself have decided to give the end of the story a bit of a face lift. We are still keeping true to what we have originally decided to utilize as the ending of the story but we both feel we need to give it a bit of a polish. That being said I hope that the next update will be out very soon. Thanks to all who have continued to follow this saga. **


	67. Chapter 67

**A/N: Thank you all so much, especially those who have not failed to write to me and keep asking me to go on. It seems things in my life never stop but I realized if they won't stop for me I sometimes have to stop them and do what I love and that is certainly JAG fanfiction. I will try very hard to keep a regular update schedule.**

A few days later Harm sat with Lucy at her pediatrician's office. He's had to take a Saturday appointment with a different doctor than her regular one so that they could get the forms back to the Ladybugs director on time for Lucy to start with the rest of the new players. Lucy smiled the whole way into the office that morning. Since Harm and Mac had agreed it would be okay for Lucy to join the junior soccer league she'd been very enthusiastic about starting it and delighted that her father had volunteered to be an assistant coach for her team.

Lucy sat reading a magazine for children and Harm Reader's Digest when the nurse stepped out and called them back, twenty minutes after their originally scheduled time. "Lucy Rabb," she announced. When Lucy slid off her chair she instructed, "Come on back, Sweetheart."

Harm held Lucy's hand and watched as she was weighed and measured, "Lucy," the nurse explained. "Your regular doctor is off today so you will be seeing Dr. Hill. You've seen Dr. Hill before right?"

"Yes," Lucy replied. "She gives out raisins instead of lollipops."

The nurse smiled, "That's right, Lucy." Then to Harm, "She'll be in shortly."

A few moments later Dr. Hill walked in. "Hi, Lucy," she greeted. "Commander Rabb, it is nice to see you again. We're used to seeing Colonel Rabb in here. So what brings you in today?" she asked. She turned to Lucy, "Are you feeling sick, Sweetie?"

Lucy answered, "No. I need you to sign so I can play soccer."

Dr. Hill smiled, "Okay, well let's get you checked over."

The doctor checked Lucy's pulse, blood pressure, temperature, and found all but the last were normal and that just slightly elevated. She checked Lucy's ears, and throat and found neither infected. Finally she check her reflexes to which Lucy whimpered slightly, "Did that hurt, Lucy?" the doctor asked.

Lucy nodded, "Yes, I have some boo-boos on my knees."

"You do?" Harm asked. "Did you fall down?"

"Commander…" Dr. Hill began before Lucy said. "No, I just get them."

Harm felt his stomach fall when she said that. "Can I see them Lucy?" Dr. Hill asked.

Lucy rolled up her purple jeans to above her knees to reveal to Dr. Hill calves and knees in a mass of purple to greenish bruises. The doctor began to lean down to look at Lucy's legs but Harm stepped in front of her. The bottom of Lucy's legs were a mottles mess of purple, blue, and green bruises, "Lucy? Baby? How did you get these?" he asked fear dripping from his voice. He had feared this sight; in a hundred nightmares he'd feared it and he'd kill him. He might rot in Leavenworth but before that he'd kill the son of a…

"Commander Rabb!" Dr. Hill repeated loudly. She had been saying his name for nearly a minute.

Harm turned to her. "I'm sorry, Dr. Hill. Forgive me?"

"Could we speak outside please?" she asked. When Harm nodded she smiled at Lucy, "Your Dad and I will be right outside the door." She took out the small packages of raisins she kept in her coat. "I'll give you these now so you can snack on them, okay sweetie pie?"

Lucy nodded and thanked the doctor for her treat.

"What the…" Harm began once he and Dr. Hill were outside of Lucy's earshot. "Commander, please," she practically pleaded for him to calm down.

"I don't know how that happened yet, but one thing I can do know is that it stops. Today!" Without realizing it Harm's voice had climbed another few decibels.

Once again Dr. Hill tried reason, "Commander Rabb, I'm not sure what you are expecting me to say here, but I think we are finally finding some of the answers to the large numbers of questions marks that are flagged in Lucy's file."

"She's been in here like that before and no one told me or called the police?" he asked.

"Commander, if what I suspect is true there's not much you can do about it, and there's nothing the police can do about it," Dr. Hill replied. "In fact, I think what you are suspecting and my concerns tie Lucy's situation to two entirely different causes."

"I can't imagine anything being worse than what I'm imagining, Dr Hill so let's just have it straight out," Harm told her silently thanking God that Lucy's doctor did not think the bruising was caused by physical harm, and silently praying that he could attribute it to just some childhood play or something like that.

"I'd like to run a panel on Lucy's blood," Dr. Hill continued. "I looked over her chart this morning and now with the bruising that I can't attribute to anything physical, and you are certainly welcome to another opinion, some things that I would consider question marks are looking more like red flags."

"Doctor, I don't normally consider myself a slow man, but I'm struggling with this one here, what, if not some sort of mistreatment caused those marks?" Harm asked.

"I hesitate to say anything other than childhood at this point but based more on a hunch and previous personal experience run a CBC and a few other tests on Lucy's blood. I'd also like to go a little farther in her exam today and poke are around for a few more things that may or may not confirm my suspicions," Dr Hill explained. "Regardless of that finding though, I'd also like to set up a consultation between Mrs. Rabb, you and I to discuss my suspicions."

"You're the doctor, I mean whatever you think we need to do, but really…you have me more than a bit concerned now. I'd really like to know what you are trying to find," Harm told Dr. Hill.

"Believe me, Commander, I'm not trying to find anything, I'm trying not to," she replied. "Please let me perform a more complete exam on Lucy and then we'll set up a meeting so I can ask my question and explain myself to both you and Mrs. Rabb."

Harm nodded, "Do what you feel you need to. I don't want to tell you not to check something you think needs to be checked."

Dr. Hill smiled, "Why don't you go to reception, give Mrs. Rabb a call and see if she can't come by later today so we can get everything squared away. I'll finish up with Lucy with Nurse Miller."

Harm wanted to stay with his baby, he wanted to insist on it, but something in Dr. Hill's manner told him that he'd rather be on the phone with Mac than behind the closed door watching Dr. Hill find or maybe not find something she was looking for and not understand what that something was.

Mac was concerned as well when Harm told her about the bruises and that Dr. Hill wanted her to try to come down that afternoon for a talk and out of that concern she hastily agreed. "What should I do about DJ? She asked Harm. "Mic is over in Norfolk today until probably Monday and if something serious is going on I don't want either of them exposed to it if we can help it."

"I agree," Harm sighed. "Its kind of hard isn't it. Neither of us has really needed a babysitter in a while usually one of the other is available."

"I'll call Harriet, Lucy's going to realize something is us. Playing with AJ and Jimmy may help her calm down on that front, keep her distracted," Mac suggested.

"Good idea," Harm replied. "Call her, I'll call you when we're leaving her and let you know exactly what time Dr. Hill wants us back. You okay to drive?"

"I'm not that big yet Harm," Mac replied. "I'll be fine. And Lucy will be too."

"Is that positive thinking or mother's intuition?" Harm asked.

"Some of the latter and a lot of hope," she replied. "Thank you for calling so quickly."

"Dr. Hill spoke very cryptically and with a lot of urgency, but she didn't say anything one way or another for certain," he replied. "Still, she did say the bruises on Lucy's legs make question marks turn to red flags and I didn't like how I felt when she said that."

"Well, hopefully, we'll know what we're dealing with by this evening," Mac replied. "I'll get Harriet on the phone and I'll see you later."

Harm ended the call and walked back to wait outside Lucy's exam room. A few moments after her arrived back there Dr. Hill emerged with her nurse and Lucy.

"Look Daddy!" Lucy exclaimed showing her father her arm. "I got a Mickey Mouse band aid."

Dr. Hill smiled at the child, "She was a very brave girl for her blood test. Where you able to get a hold of Mrs. Rabb?"

"She can be here anytime after noon," Harm replied. "She has to drop our son off."

Dr. Hill nodded, "Okay, let's make it 1:30. My last appointment is at 1 o'clock. We'll have plenty of time to talk then."

Harm nodded and agreed that he and Mac would meet Dr. Hill at 1:30 that afternoon. He called Mac and she had arranged to meet him at the Roberts' home about 1 o'clock and they'd drive to Lucy's doctor's office together. Harm took Lucy for lunch and she ate her burger but left most of her fries behind. He picked at his salad, his stomach knotting with nerves in spite of his brave front for his daughter, his ex wife and for himself.

Lucy was happy to be going to play with her friends and DJ was of course delighted. He loved Jimmy and AJ just as much as Lucy, if not more as he said sometimes because AJ and Jimmy were boys.

"Thank you so much Harriet," Harm said smiling at his friend and Mac's as well. Neither Bud or Harriet had wavered in their support of either one of their friend's during their divorce or any of the things that had gone on before or since.

"My pleasure," she replied. "Take your time and don't worry."

Harm smiled at that before taking Mac by the arm and leading her out the Roberts' door, assisting her automatically in negotiating the steps as he would have if the baby she carried had been their third child.

"You're worried, aren't you?" Mac asked. "I can see it all around your eyes."

"I wouldn't be if she wasn't so mysterious," Harm replied. "I have to admit I was angry when I saw all of the bruises on Lucy's legs…"

"Harm, do not even go there with me," Mac said knowing precisely where her former husband's mind had gone.

"I won't, I did for a minute, but I know better than that," he replied. "Though something is telling me that we'd be lucky if those bruises were from let us say an over zealous disciplinarian."

"You know I'd never…" Mac began again.

"I know," Harm replied and turned the radio on. "Let's just relax until we know what's going on."

Harm always pondered music on the car radio. It always seemed to speak to him, to strike a nerve in his heart or in his mind that connected a moment in his life with the lyric of the song. This one was no different. It was a country song, Reba McEntire and someone else he couldn't remember. It talked about the heart, about a heart that wouldn't lie. He scoffed at that belief. His heart had lied, it had lied many times over, and so had Mac's. He knew that. Still as he looked over at his ex-wife, the mother of his daughter and his son, he still felt the pull of love, the pull of protection, and the pull of the words he had spoken to join them together. Those words had been a lie as well, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health…He shook his head and sighed. There was only one set of truth and perhaps it was that line in the song that made it so clear…"Sometime life gets in the way."

"What?" Mac asked. Harm had murmured something as he drove she couldn't quite make out.

"Nothing," he replied.

"Harm?" Mac said in a questioning voice. It asked just enough to pass as a question but said so much more, invited so much more than a mere query.

"I said sometimes life gets in the way," he replied.

Mac nodded, "Sometimes I think no matter what plans we make, what decisions, this thing called 'life' will do as it sees fit regardless. I think sometimes all we can do is act accordingly to the script written way before any of us were even thought about."

"Like God's will?" Harm asked, neither had even been particularly religious, though they had both prayed fervently at times in their life when law, science, and force of will had betrayed them or worse, handicapped them.

"God's will, Shakespeare's stage…We can only act in the roles we're given," she sighed. "Sometimes I think our entire lives are one long road with constant forks, nothing straight, just constant choices, left or right…I go back and forth between believing that once you go wrong you can never correct that one mistake, just keep making more of them and thinking that one wrong turn can eventually at least lead you back to where you started, full circle,' she sighed. "So to speak."

Harm could do nothing with that besides smile and nod. He'd made a mistake, one huge mistake and from there on out kept making turns, negotiating, and he'd hadn't ended up anywhere close to where he'd been before, neither or them had. They both pondered their strange compulsion to have that discussion the rest of the way until Harm pulled into the pediatrician's parking lot at just before 1:30PM."

Dr. Hill was still a bit behind, so he and Mac had to wait close to 45 minutes before she invited the worried parents back to her office. "I really appreciate you giving me this time Commander and Mrs. Rabb. Like I told the Commander, I'm working more on a hunch and on instinct right now than proven fact but so far my exam seems to be pointing to my hunch being correct."

"I've never been one to shrug off second sight or hunches," Mac replied. "We appreciate you're attentiveness."

"I'll come right to it," Dr. Hill began. "After Lucy left I reread her file just to confirm, she has had numerous frequent and long lasting illnesses in that last few years, is that right?"

Mac nodded, "Since she was five. We had her checked repeatedly, her doctors told us it was childhood, bad tonsils, probably stress…"

"Stress?" Dr. Hill asked, interest peaked.

"Mac and I divorced, but the year before and a good part after was very hard on Lucy, things were messy," Harm highlighted.

"That certainly would contribute. How are things now?" she asked.

"Good I think," Harm replied. "Mac is in a steady relationship, I'm in a steady relationship, Lucy for the most part gets along with my friend, no so much with Mic but…"

"And you attributed Mic as the cause of the bruises on Lucy's legs?" Dr Hill asked, just to confirm.

"I'm certain he probably did," Mac replied. "Mic's discipline methods and attitude are not something either of us encourage around out children but Lucy is with me when Mic is around and I'd never allow…"

"I know that," Harm replied. "It was a knee jerk reaction…"

"Commander," Dr. Hill intercepted. "Regardless, of why you reacted as you did there really is not way that Lucy's bruised can have a physical cause. They are not the size or shape they would be, they are spread unevenly, occur over 45 of her body, in places such as the bottoms of her feet that you'd not see any mark of child abuse for the pure inaccessibility of the area. Add to that several other factors, the frequent illnesses, the nosebleeds that are flagged in her file, the enlarged spleen and lymph glands I found when I continued my exam of Lucy after you and I spoke, those factors alone are very suggestive of diagnosis on their own."

"What diagnosis, Dr. Hill?" Harm asked. "I think we've been patient, you've been very cryptic since you found those bruises this morning."

"I apologize," she replied. "I do but I find that parents get very upset and rightfully so when presented with these facts and I like to try to get as clear a picture as I can before alarming anyone, though just on physical exam I feel confident I didn't find this or alarm you a moment too soon."

"What exactly do you think is wrong with her?" Mac asked feeling all ready as the doctor painted a picture for her that she all ready knew.

"The frequent illnesses, the nosebleeds, the bruising, the enlarged glands…are very suggestive of cancer, Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia," Dr. Hill replied. "I did a blood test today, a CBC with differential, enzyme analysis, a few other things, but the stick took way longer to clot and bruised almost on contact, another sign. I suspected when I saw the bruising…" She trailed off and let the shocked parents absorb what they had just been told.

Neither of them moved, it seemed that neither was even breathing. As if by magnetism they both reached out Harm to his right, Mac to her left and locked hands as if by that motion they could unite again this thing that was threatening their daughter. After a few moments of silence Dr. Hill spoke again, "I have some questions I'd like to ask, so I can have a better idea and of course I have a pediatric oncologist and hematologist I can recommend for consultation."

Mac nodded, "What questions?" she asked. She sounded winded, out of breath as if she'd run carrying a full Marine pack in a desert, though she'd only just been sitting.

"I can see from her charts Lucy's weight has not fluctuated much from the normal, that is encouraging. What about lethargy?" She asked. "Does she nap more than she used to? Does she sleep but seem tired?"

"Sometimes," Mac replied. "Other times she's a bundle of energy, especially since she got this soccer idea in her head."

The doctor made a note, "Okay, what about pain. Does she have pain in her back, legs, other joints?"

"Sometimes she does," Mac replied. "She has a little brother, they play a lot."

Again Dr. Hill noted Mac's response and asked a few more questions, to help her draw a picture of Lucy's health in her mind. "Commander and Mrs. Rabb," she sighed and leaned back in her chair. "What you've told me is very suggestive of a childhood cancer. Lucy has more than 50 of the symptoms you see in children with this disease. We cannot confirm anything of course without first the blood panel and then of course other tests, but erring on the side of caution with your permission I'd like to have the results sent not only to me here but to my colleague, the Pediatric Oncologist."

"Absolutely," Harm replied without even considering it and Mac fervently nodded in agreement.

Dr. Hill gave Harm and Mac release forms to sign for Lucy's blood work and promised that since she'd but a rush on the test they'd have the results before close of business on Monday. "I'll call you personally of course when they come in and if they are as I expect they will be I will with your permission of course set up a consultation appointment with Dr. Jabobsen."

Again both parents nodded and squeezed the hand they each held onto, "Thank you for your time and for your concern," Harm managed after a moment of silence. "We are very grateful you brought your suspicions to us, we hope you are wrong, but we are glad that you told us."

"That's my job, Commander," Dr. Hill replied. "I'll speak with you on Monday."

Again two heads nodded as Harm and Mac led each other out of the office and back towards the waiting room. Once they'd gotten outside the office into the fresh air, they both turned to each other, a pair of moist blue eyes seeking a pair of equally moist and terrified brown ones, "The past…that's past now," Mac said to Harm. "I know I more than even you have to realize that."

Harm leaned forward tentatively and pulled Mac to him, enveloping her in a strong hug, one that whispered of safety, of strength, of dependability, all things they once had been to each other, all things they had both failed to be for a very long time. "We came out standing through worse, didn't seem it, but we did. We can again. We have to."

Harm wasn't sure who those words were meant to comfort, Mac or himself, either way, even as well intentioned as they were, they fell…as did so many other normal platitudes did in this situation…hopelessly short.


	68. Chapter 68

**Disclaimer: I, of course, do not own and I certainly don't make any money off of this. Thanks for reading.**

Harm and Mac were used to long and silent car rides where the tension was so thick even a well sharpened knife would not be able to even score it. Still there was something about the thickness of this kind of tension that made them feel as if just maybe they could, by sheer force of wanting crack it like an egg shell. They'd had it only a few times before, this kind of fear, this kind of tension. It was the fear that only came to parents when their child was threatened. At a stop light on their way back towards Reston, they stole a glance at each other. Neither had tears on their faces, in fact, there was not any real emotion at all being portrayed there. Their eyes met a brief moment and locked something they had very often done in the past, each searching for the silent invitation that had at other times like this always been there. Neither found what they sought.

After a few more silent moments Mac cleared her throat and asked, "Harriet was concerned when I called so quickly. She is going to ask us what is going on. What should we be telling people?"

"Bud and Harriet aren't exactly 'people' Mac," Harm replied. "They are our friends. I think we should tell them what Dr. Hill suspects."

"And Lucy?" Mac asked. She didn't think her daughter would think much of the day's events, but she had surprised her mother before.

"I think we can pass it off for now," Harm replied. "In fact, I think we should make it our business. Why should she get herself worried and upset for what could turn out to be nothing."

He was doing it again. Harm chose the oddest times to become an optimist. "You're doing it again," Mac pointed out.

"Doing what?" he asked negotiating the turn off the exit ramp.

"We were both in the same meeting," Mac replied. "I think we heard the same words."

"God, Mac," he replied. "I heard them, of course I heard them. I was the one who saw…How did we miss it?" he asked then. "How the Hell did we miss it?"

Mac shook her head, "Because we wanted to," she suggested more than replied. Who wants to realize those things, things that may be signaling you that your child might have a serious, life threatening illness? "Or maybe…Maybe what Commander McCool's been saying is true," Mac sighed.

"Commander McCool?" Harm queried. "You're still seeing her."

"I started again…after," she let the end of the sentence hang off to see if there was the barest hint of recollection in his eyes. She stole a sidelong glance but received no reward. He was waiting for her to finish her sentence, "After I got pregnant."

Harm nodded and was quiet again for a few moments, "What did you mean when you said I was 'doing it again'?" he asked.

"Wanting the impossible," Mac replied. "Most of the time we are alike, we see the facts, see things for how they really are, but at the most bleak times, the times when we really needed to be on the same page you just put on the rose colored glasses and tinted everything happy."

Harm knew what she meant. He had done that and for the first time he was realizing what that action, the action of being strong and positive, of taking the worries on himself and trying to be a rock for her had only hurt her, made her think he didn't take her seriously, maybe didn't even pay mind to what she was saying to him when she talked. "I'm sorry," he said softly, apologizing not just for this time, but for all of the times. "I thought…I don't know what I thought," he finished not wanting to let her in to see that part of him. He was too vulnerable, and anyway, things between himself and Mac weren't like that anymore.

He set the car in park and helped Mac out of her side of the car, watching her every step as she walked towards Bud and Harriet's front door.

DJ was so busy playing with Jimmy and AJ he barely noticed his parents; Mac's eyes scanned the room for Lucy as Harriet led them to the kitchen for a brief visit. "Where's Lucy?" Mac asked.

"She was playing with the boys downstairs," Harriet replied. "When Bud went down to see they wanted a snack she was sacked out on the couch. He decided to let her sleep."

Harriet detected some strong tension between her friends, and not just between them, things had been tense for so long between Harm and Mac that the tension was normal and not hardly noticeable. This was different. "Is everything okay?" she asked.

The two shared a glance, but neither one spoke for a moment until Mac answered, "Lucy's doctor had some questions for us. She was concerned about some things and wanted to let us know what might be going on."

"Anything serious?" Harriet asked more to draw out an explanation rather than out of ignorance. She knew for a doctor to call both parents to the office on a Saturday the situation had to be serious.

Mac looked at Harm, relying on him to give voice to the thing that threatened their little girl. He swallowed, "Dr. Hill says that many of Lucy's symptoms taken a lone well are not much, but taken together, they strongly indicate Lucy may have leukemia."

Harriet gasped, then, "Bud, can you come in here a sec?"

"Cool it a bit boys," the three adults heard Bud instruct the boys before entering the kitchen. "Hi," he greeted Harm and Mac. "What's up?"

Harriet made an inviting motion to indicate she wanted them all to sit. She went to the refrigerator, took out a pitcher of iced tea and poured them drinks. "We were just telling Harriet," Harm began. "Lucy…her pediatrician wants to run blood tests for leukemia."

Bud's face blanched white as he studied his friends and though of the little girl he thought of as a second daughter asleep in the family room, "Wow. That is pretty heavy."

"What you must be going through…" Harriet tried to sympathize.

"We'll handle it," Harm replied, evident to all in the room his protective wall had been erected to block out any and all feelings and any and all perceptions about the matter. Harriet turned her eyes to Mac. He face was stone cold, though both Roberts knew their friends had to be scared, angry, and so many other things, neither of them betrayed a single emotion on their face.

"We'll help you in any way we can," Bud supplied. "You know that."

Two solemn and silent nods were the only answers. Harriet slid her foot to the left, enough to nudge Bud's leg under the table, "Bud, why don't you and Harm go see if Lucy is awake yet?" she suggested outwardly. It was clear to Bud and to Harm and Mac as well they wanted to separate them. Harm needed to let the wall down a bit and gratefully accepted Harriet's suggestion.

The two men, two fathers walked down the steps to the basement/playroom and neither were surprised to find the little brown haired girl fast asleep on the couch cushions. Bud sat and the one cushion not occupied by Lucy's small body and Harm too a seat on the floor near Lucy's head. Bud looked his friend in the eye and held his gaze firm, he wouldn't encourage Harm to open up; he wouldn't have to.

"Bud, this…" Harm began. "It was a physical, a simple physical so Lucy could join that Ladybug soccer league. Just a routine…"

"It's a good thing, Harm," Bud replied. "Lord knows how long it was undetected all ready. Every minute counts and if you'd waited until she was sick again until it could be written off again you might not have a good a chance as you do now."

"I don't even know what kind of chance we have," Harm replied. "Dr. Hill, her face was so serious. Stone like serious, like AJ's when he used to be really upset at us for something. There was such a sense of urgency…"

"Shouldn't there be?" Bud asked. "Even if this is the earliest stage, the earliest it could possibly be detected it still is an urgent thing," he tried to reason. "She might just be being cautious, too. You don't know."

Meanwhile, upstairs in the kitchen Harriet and Mac were having a very similar conversation, "Oh I know," Mac replied. "I'm her mother. The minute Harm called me I knew something was wrong. I got to thinking in the car…all of the time we spent, he and I slinging mud at each other, fighting over the kids, over the stupidest thing…If I'd put have as much energy into the signs and signals that something was wrong with my daughter…we might not have to face losing her."

"Mac, there are some children who develop leukemia for not other reason than that they do and nothing you could have noticed or caught would change that fact," Harriet comforted. "It's not like she drank alcohol or cleaning fluid because you weren't watching her. This is not your fault," Harriet told her reaching across the table to take her hand. "All right?"

"No," Harm replied. "Not all right. I can trace this back, trace back every signal and sign to…to before the "thing" with Annie…"

"Whoa," Bud interjected. "Just hold on. If Lucy developed cancer back then she'd be dead by now. That was probably the dumbest thing you ever did in your life up until now, but that is in no way going to make what is or is not wrong with Lucy your fault."

Harm nodded and though over Bud's words, "Until now?"

Bud nodded, "Harm, didn't the last three years with Mac teach you anything. This wall you've got up…you still cannot admit you are human in front of her, that you feel every bit of pain and fear that she does, can you?"

"She's got the baby to worry about and everything…" Harm began.

"So what?" Bud cut him off. "So what if she has the baby to worry about. You both…" he looked at Lucy. "Share a baby you're both probably going to have to work very hard and very closely to care for and to save. That is no time for pride, fear, or excuses."

"Harm made all of the excuses, Harriet," Mac countered. "That's all he knew how to do well in our marriage. More times than anything I'd have to watch him completely shut down and I mean shut down…hysterical, physically ill, completely unable to move or sometimes even to breath all because somewhere he decided he had to be the rock…I didn't need a rock, I just needed a partner."

Harriet nodded, "After Bud lost his leg, until we both sat each other down and made the other realize all we needed was for the other one to be supportive and to be needed for support we did fine…You have a golden opportunity here, Mac."

Mac studied her iced tea cup, "No…it won't work. And that's the last thing I'd want to do if Lucy really is sick, use her illness to get back into Harm's life. I have Mic and he has…has Analise…"

"Speaking of Analise," Bud inquired. "What are you going to tell her? Are you going to wait until you know something, or talk with her right away?"

"I don't see why she should have to worry with me," Harm replied. "Monday is soon enough."

"And if Lucy's is diagnosed?" Bud asked. "What then?"

"Then…then I won't have a choice will I? For now…for now this is something I'd like to just keep between the four of us."

"Mic's going to find out, Honey," Harriet soothed. "I know he's and Lucy really don't have the best of relationships but I can't imagine he won't soften to her a bit when he sees how much like you she is. She's got Mackenzie and Rabb fight and stubbornness in her. Those things are formidable when they clash, and unbeatable and strong like iron when they join. You are going to need Mic's support."

"I know," Mac replied. "I'm just not that far down the road just yet. I'm still praying and wishing its still Friday night and I'm going to wake up from this Hell."

Harriet reached across the table and took her friend's hand, "This is going to sound empty and stupid but just tuck it away all right. Everything happens for a reason, and in spite of everything we do know, we don't know all. I know you aren't a God type of person, but when something like this happens, there really isn't much else you can be. Just do with that what you will and know we are here, Bud and I, no matter what."

An hour later Lucy had woken up and Harm had helped Mac load DJ and Lucy into her car to head home. With both kids safely secured in their seats he shut the car door and moved her to the front to speak without a chance of being overheard, "They are going to call Monday morning," he reminded her. "I'd like to see if I can't get the morning off and be there with you when the call comes in."

"I'm not telling Mic until…" Mac began.

"I know," Harm replied. "I'll take a personal day, I'll all Coates and tell her to inform the General of an emergency I had and ask that he call me for the details. Mic will be at work…he won't have to know I was there. I just…I want to be there with you…for you and…we're her parents…"

Mac nodded, "In spite of all we've put each other true, how terrible we have been…I want you with me and I want to be there for you when we find out. She's _our_ daughter."

Harm nodded and opened his arms to hug her tightly, "It'll be okay. You take it easy until Monday. Try to eat and sleep. Call me on the cell anytime you need me."

Mac squeezed him, "That goes for you too. I mean, if you need me."

Harm nodded, "See you Monday."

Mac smiled a bit and got into the car to begin the drive back to Manassas. Harm turned his car in the direction of Analise's apartment, both on edge, both terrified and both determined to for their daughter amend their ways and try…even if in vain to repair the tatters of their hearts.


	69. Chapter 69

**A/N: Thanks for continuing to read and review this story. I'm trying to update twice a month if not more. Maybe six or seven chapters to go, not exactly sure. Once again, I don't own them and I don't make any money doing this. If I did I'd be able to update every day. LOL.**

Harm and Mac couldn't have willed the weekend to pass any slower if they wanted to. It was painfully slow for both of them on one hand, but on the other, it was lightening fast. Mac kept her word to herself; she didn't breathe a word to Mic about Dr. Hill's suspicions of her own worries easily able to blame her edginess and exhaustion on her condition. Harm had a harder time keeping Ana in the dark and the pair argued periodically throughout the weekend. Analise could sense her boyfriend's fear, his tension and she probed it as any good companion would, but still he'd clam up on her. Finally she decided to let it rest, he'd tell her when he was ready.

Monday morning, merely ten minutes after Mic left for work Harm arrived at his former home. Mac admitted him and the worried parents sat together in silence Harm sipping at coffee and nibbling on toast, Mac herbal tea and a muffin. Neither had an appetite but the act of eating and drinking helped to pass the time until finally at a little before noon the phone rang.

Harm reached to answer the phone once they saw it was indeed the doctor's office and Mac reached for Harm's hand, gripping it tightly, closing her eyes as if in fervent prayer.

"Hello," Harm said into the phone, sounding out of breath. He listened to the words coming from the doctor, nodded his head and replied with the occasional "okay" and "I understand" before ending the call. He sat and stared at the receiver for a few minutes before he turned to Mac, tears all ready streaming down her face and welling up in his eyes.

"That was Dr. Hill," he told her. "She said Lucy's blood shows all of the signs of leukemia and judging by the results…I can't keep all of the number straight just yet she said it is the equivalent of stage 2/3 cancer."

His voice was husky and kept catching, though he watched Mac for her reaction which was as he expected. She began to sob, one shaky hand covering her mouth, the other one her stomach as if that could protect all of her children, not just the one inside. Harm moved to hold her, pulling her close, wanting to absorb the pain and the hurt just as they had before everything went bad. He held close, rocking slightly, letting his own tears fall on her hair. After a few minutes of crying together, Mac asked from her place inside his arm, "What are we going to do?"

"Lucy has a ten am appointment tomorrow morning with the pediatric oncologist Dr. Hill recommended. She said he'll have a better idea on how to proceed and that he'll want to test her for progression, see if it spread to her brain or her spinal tract…Then we'll have a better idea. For now, we stay strong, we talk to Lucy…we be her parents. I can't see past that point."

His voice caught again and Mac pulled back to see his soft blue eyes filled with tears now spilling down his cheeks. She reached up and caught two of them on her fingertips, "Gram always said it was good luck to catch a tear." He mirrored her reaction, lifting his hand to catch hers. "We need all of the good luck we can get."

The rest of the day was a blur of phone calls, discussions and planning for how they and now the enlightened significant other planned to deal with the doctor's findings. Mic had been angry that Mac had not shared this with him that weekend and Analise Harm could tell was hurt, but understood. He confirmed that with her in the car as they drove to meet Mac, Mic, and Lucy at the oncologist's office. He'd brought her along to entertain Lucy while he and Mac talked with the doctor.

Analise sat with Lucy helping her eat a burger and yogurt cup on a bench outside the doctor's office while Mic had DJ downstairs in the gift shop to keep him entertained. Lucy had been nervous about seeing a doctor who's office was in a hospital but she liked Dr. Jacobsen and soon relaxed.

The doctor, a tall older man who resembles AJ only with hair sat before them, a serious look on his face.

"It's bad, isn't it?" asked Harm, his voice steady, but barely.

"Yes, I've examined the blood tests done by Dr. Hill, and as you know we repeated those tests today. They both concluded the same. Lucy's white count is extraordinarily high but those cells are ineffective, useless. Her platelet count is low as is her red blood cell count. Her blood work indicates she does indeed have leukemia, ALL."

Harm felt as if he'd been shot in the heart, and he knew Mac was no better off.

"We need to do a spinal tap now given her pain and the weak muscle response in her legs to see if the cancer has invaded her nervous system," he told them. "One of you might want to be present."

The horrified parents looked at one another. "I'll go," said Harm. "You shouldn't be around that, it'll get you too upset."

"That's what I'd suggest," the doctor replied. "We can do it immediately. When we know how advance the spread is we'll know how strong her chemotherapy and radiation will need to be."

"Oh, God," gasped Mac, putting her hands over her face as if to hide her fear.

"We'll try to do outpatient treatments so she can be at home with that for comfort during the side effects, but if she gets too sick or develops secondary infections she'll need to be isolated in the hospital."

"When will we know?" asked Harm, his comforting arm around his ex-wife.

"If it spread?" he asked.

"Yeah," said Harm quietly.

"Tomorrow at the latest," he replied. "But my guess is that it did metastases to the spinal cord."

"I need to go lie down" said Mac.

"Of course," replied Dr. Jacobson. "Mr. Rabb is there anyone you'd like us to call for Mrs. Rabb while we test Lucy? Or…"

"Mac is in a relationship and I am…they are both here to be with her while I'm in with Lucy," said Harm, gently ushering Mac over to the sofa in the corner of the room.

Mac lay back and placed a hand on her baby mound. As she settled back she felt it, "Oh!"

"What?" asked Harm. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

Mac took a long deep breath, "No, I think that was a contraction."

"Its way too soon for those," said Harm. "Do I need to call your doctor?"

Mac took another breath, "Let me rest and see if they pass. I'm scared, that may be why."

He nodded, kneeling down to look at her. "I'll call when I get back...or...I should probably call Mic and have him come sit with you if the pain continues."

"He's busy with DJ. We don't need to get DJ more upset that he is all ready today," Mac replied. "Analise is fine for now. Go to Lucy."

"All right," he said. "Just speak up if you feel any more pain."

Mac nodded and leaned back to relax.

Harm went to Analise and Lucy. The child was clinging to Analise and fussing.

"Come on, Lucy," he said as he reached for her. "Come with me for a little bit, okay?"

"My head hurts," she whimpered. "I don't want to see the doctor anymore."

"I know," he said. "But it won't be for very long. We need to go, sweetie."

"Where's Mommy?" Lucy asked. "I want Mommy."

"She needs to rest," said Harm. "She needs to keep the baby safe. She'll be in when you come back with me."

Lucy snuggled close, "I don't want to see the doctor. I don't! I don't want to see him!" she started fidgeting and protesting. She liked this new doctor, but she sensed the tension and the fear. She hung onto Analise's neck as if that would stop Harm from taking her back to see Dr. Jacobsen again.

Though it broke his heart to do it, Harm gently pulled his little girl away from Analise.

"Baby, please," said Harm, not wanting to hurt her. She was squirming so much now there was no way she'd hold still for a spinal tap. Dr. Jacobsen witnessed her reaction, had seen it a hundred times before and prepared a syringe to assist Harm and himself in getting the necessary sample.

"Hold her tight, Mr. Rabb," Dr. Jacobson said coming at her with a needle.

Harm thought he'd be sick at the sight a relatively large needle coming at his little girl. He held his breath and said a prayer.

The doctor grabbed Lucy's tiny arm and injected the medicine. Lucy shuttered in Harm's arms, once, twice, then went still.

"Is she totally out?" asked Harm.

"Yeah. I gave her a fast acting sedative," he replied. "She'll sleep for awhile. We can get the test without causing her pain this way."

Harm nodded, relieved and thankful for the quick thinking doctor.

"Harm, I can take her for the test," Analise offered. "Go check on Mac. Lucy won't know you're not here."

"I should stay with her," he said, feeling very protective.

Analise nodded, "Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No, stay with Mac," he said, nodding towards Mac.

Analise nodded and reached for him pulling him close to her, "I need you to get me through this," he said to her.

She held him tight to her, "I will, Baby. I promise. I love you."

"What if..." He couldn't even finish his sentence. The thought was too much.

"Then I'll be here. I'll care for you; I'll love you through it, Harm. I promise. Okay?" she asked kissing his cheeks softly.

He nodded, knowing she meant every word.

He leaned down and gave her a kiss, thankful she was going to be beside him.

After the effects of the sedative wore off, Lucy was able to return home with her mother and Mic. Lucy slept all the way home as Mac and Mic discussed all of the what if's, at least until Mac began to feel ill at the thought of losing her little girl. When that happened, Mic, in a rare show of selflessness, quickly changed the subject to what they still needed from the grocery store.

Harm and Analise returned to her apartment, and though she wanted to talk, he wanted only to lie down on the bed and pretend the day had never happened.

Analise slid onto the bed beside Harm and gently stroked his cheek and forehead, "Do you want some tea?" she asked.

"No," he said wearily glad he could stop being the strong figure for just a little while and deal with his fear of what they were facing.

"How about some chicken soup?" she asked. "I can go to the corner and get some."

"Thanks, sweetie," he said. "But I'm just not hungry."

She continued his tender stroking, "Can I do anything for you, Honey?"

He looked her in the eye. "I wish...but, no. Just hold me?"

Analise shifted so she was on her back and let him crawl close to her. She put her arms around him and began a slow gentle rocking motion, "We're going to do this Harm. We're going to beat this. I promise."

"What if we can't?" he asked, his voice so soft she almost couldn't hear him.

"What, Baby?" she asked as she rocked.

"What if we can't beat it?" He felt his heart shudder within his chest.

Analise tightened her grip, "Well, you cry. You cry a lot. You yell and scream and rail at the injustice of it all, and eventually, though a part of you will always hurt, you move on with your life."

He lifted his head a bit. "Like you did with Michael?"

She nodded, "Like I did with Michael. I love him and I'll always miss him, but I don't mourn him anymore. You'll never forget, but one day it just won't rule your life anymore."

"Ana," he began. "If I lose her, my life will...I don't think I could ever move on from that."

"Not even with me by your side?" she asked.

"I'd want to," he said, emotion beginning to creep into his voice. "I'm not sure I could."

Analise resumed her soothing massage, "Harm, if Lucy's cancer has invaded her nervous system you are going to have to prepare yourself for two distinct possibilities, Honey."

"I know, but I can't think like that right now," he said. "I just need..."

"What, Baby? Tell me what you need," she urged.

He gazed up at her, his eyes full of tears. "You?"

She leaned down and gave him a soft, sweet kiss. "You have me, Love. But you have to listen to me talk first, okay. You have to because I'm still far enough on the outside to be able to see this. Please, listen to me."

He nodded, blinking back his emotion.

"If Lucy's cancer has spread, she'll more than likely at some point lose the use of her legs, maybe her arms. She may never get it back, even if...if she survives. Also, the more systems it invades, the more likely that...that she won't make it and if that, if either of those things happens Harm, you have to be strong, for Lucy, for DJ, and for Mac. You have to carry this, Harm. I know it is hard, and I'll help you, but you have to carry Lucy and Mac through this, because Mac can't and Mic won't. But I'll carry you. If you promise me you'll carry them, I'll carry you."

He pulled her close and allowed himself to let his tears fall. "I know you will, and I know I have to…to be the strong one for them. And I will be." He checked a tear on his cheek.

She kissed his hair as she held him closer. "You cry in here, Honey. You cry in here."

And he did. He cried with everything he had in him.

Analise rocked and cooed to Harm, making nonsense sounds and speaking of love until his harsh ragged sobbing turned to soft breaths as he fell into a deep hopefully restful sleep. She then, with him safe in her arms, turned her eyes skyward, "Don't take that little girl. Please don't take her."

Upon arriving home, Mic carried a still-sleeping Lucy to her room while Mac followed behind and made sure she got settled. Once that was done, Mac knew she had to get back into her own bed, which she did very gladly after kicking off her shoes and changing into her favorite pair of pajamas. Mic went to the kitchen to grab a snack, and then returned to the bedroom, knowing she'd need to talk and deciding he needed to listen.

Mac gratefully took the snack, but only picked at it. "I'm not hungry."

"I know love," Mic replied. "But Lucy and the baby, and that little Mate need you to stay strong. You all are going to have a tough ride."

Mac nodded. "She has...She has cancer," Mac said. She had to make herself say it.

He reached over and took her hand. "I know, but she's a little fighter, just like her mother. She'll beat this."

"Mic, it's cancer," Mac sighed. "She's going to die."

"We don't know that for sure yet," he said. "She might, yes, but she might not."

"I'm her mother, I know," Mac replied. "And if she lives, she won't be Lucy anymore."

Mic sighed. "We need to prepare for everything that might happen, that's true. We also can't let that little girl know that we think she's going to die. She needs us to be strong."

Mac looked at Mic and started to laugh.

"Is something funny?" he asked.

"Yes," Mac replied. "That comment. The "we" in that comment. You can't stand Lucy. You haven't liked her or made and effort to be a supportive figure in her life since day one. You might as well flat out hate her."

His eyes became wide as saucers. "I don't hate her! We don't always get along, but I don't hate her, not at all."

"You don't love her. Not like I do, not like Harm does. She's going to need people who love her Mic, not people who shout at her and call her names," Mac snapped at him.

"I haven't called her a name in weeks" he defended.

"You should never have called her one at all!" Mac shouted. "She's a tiny little girl who lost her home and nearly lost her Mommy a few times in just one year and you..." Mac stopped and put a hand on her belly, the pains she felt earlier coming back.

"Sarah? What is it?" he asked in a panic.

"A pain," she replied. "In my stomach."

"A bad one?" he asked.

"Not as bad as before," Mac replied. "Its just stress. Can you..."

"Before?" he asked, puzzled. "You had pain before? When?"

"When we were in with Dr. Jacobson," Mac replied. "I had pains, but Harm sat me down and they passed."

"You should have told me," he said, very unhappy at learning Harm had been the one to tend to Mac's pain. "I'm supposed to be the one taking care of you and the baby."

"You were down at the toy shop with DJ," Mac replied. "Harm's tended things like this before, he's an old hand at it."

"Yeah, whatever," sighed Mic, rising from the bed. "Do you need anything?"

Mac nodded her head up and down biting her lip.

"Oh, hey now" he said, his tone softening as he knelt beside her. "Don't cry. Tell me."

Mac began to sob and murmur. The only words Mic heard were "My baby."

Knowing she needed support from him, he pulled her close and tried to comfort her. "Its okay...it'll be okay. We'll get through it."

Mac shook her head, "No. No..."

"We will," he said. "I promise, somehow, we will."

Mac shook her head and continued to cry shaking her head until, as Harm had across town she fell asleep in her lover's arms.


	70. Chapter 70

**Disclaimer: I do not own these characters except the children and Analise. **

**A/N: Just a short update today…I hope to have more up in a few days.**

It seemed hardly anytime at all had passed before Harm, Mac, Mic, Analise, and Lucy were all back at Dr. Jacobson's office. DJ was left off with Harriet to play with Jimmy and Lucy sat with Analise in the waiting room. Mic wanted to be with Mac, showing every image of a supportive husband to be as they heard the prognosis.

"You okay, love?" he asked her.

Mac nodded, "I just need to hear what he's going to say. I'm scared."

Harm reached over and patted her hand, "So am I, Mac."

Mic glared at him, but remained silent.

The doctor came in and sat down, "Commander Rabb, Mrs. Rabb, Commander Brumby," he said seriously. "We have the results of Lucy's spinal tap."

Mac reached out and placed a hand on Harm's knee, not caring what Mic thought about it.

"The cancer has spread from Lucy's blood into her spinal fluid, though it seems as of yet, it has not hit her brain," he told the nervous group before him.

"That's good, right?" asked Harm. "I mean, better than it could be?"

"It is better that having invaded her brain, yes, but spinal fluid metastates are very severe," he sighed. "She's been sick for awhile to have it spread like that."

Mac looked over at Harm. "How did we miss it? How could we miss that?"

"Was Lucy sick more often that normal?" the doctor asked. "Did she catch things easily?"

"Yeah, she did," said Harm. "The pediatrician always said she was just exceptionally prone to illness."

"She probably was at first," the doctor replied. "How long did that go on?"

"The better part of a year," answered Harm. "We should have known."

"It probably wasn't leukemia for the better part of the year," the doctor soothed. "If it was she'd be dead by now. Probably you missed it because she was prone to illness and when it became illness because of a reduced immunity it was hard to notice without the proper tests."

"We still should have known!" said Mac as she dissolved into tears.

Mic wrapped his arm around Mac and soothed her, "Now," the doctor continued, "We have to talk about what happens next."

"Chemotherapy?" asked Harm, intent on being brave for Mac's sake.

He nodded, "A high dosage. Along with radiation, but my first concern is going to be dealing with the effects of the spinal fluid metastases."

"Will she have to stay in the hospital?" asked Mic.

"Not initially, we'll try to let her come in for treatments and be released to her mother or father's care at home," the doctor explained.

"But if she gets sicker," began Harm. "Then you'll have to keep her?"

"If she gets worse, yes we'll keep her," he replied. "The effects of the spread...well, they can be rough for parents...There will be pain, especially in her neck and back in addition to severe headaches, progressive muscle weakness and loss of function especially in her legs. You'll also have to watch for loss of bladder and bowel control," he outlined.

Harm rubbed his forehead. "We'll do what he have to do," he said. "We'll take good care of our little girl, and we'll get her though this...somehow."

Mac nodded her agreement not trying to hide her tears from Harm or from Mic. She looked over at Harm catching his eye and asking with her own a silent question. Harm picked up the cue and asked, "What about the side effects from the chemo?"

"Well, that all depends on the drugs that we give Lucy. Given that her cancer is all ready spreading we are going to go with a very aggressive approach using a combination of drugs. The main side effects might masquerade as symptoms from the mets...back, neck, and leg pain, headache, nausea and vomiting, weight loss, stomach cramping, and with one drug in particular hair loss and wheezing or shortness of breath, though any number of things can happen," he explained.

He hung his head and swallowed hard. This was all too terrible to be real.

"I'll leave the three of you to discuss Lucy's care after treatments and with permission, I'd like to get her started as soon as you speak to her about her illness," he told them. "I'd like to get her first round of treatment done today."

"Thank you, doctor," said Harm. "Give us a little bit and we'll let you know what we decide."

The doctor nodded and left the trio alone.

"I want her home with me," Mac said firmly. It was the first time she'd really spoken since she entered the doctor's office.

"She might get too sick for that, love," said Mic.

"What do you mean she might get to sick for that?" Mac asked. "She is sick, and the medicine is going to make her sicker and she'll want her Mommy."

"Her Mommy," began Mic. "Has to be careful how worked up she gets, remember?"

"It doesn't matter, Lucy matters," Mac said softly. "Harm can help and you and Ana can help."

"Wait a minute, Mac," Harm intervened. "You matter and the baby has to matter, we all have to work together here. There are tw…four of us and I'll be there as much as I have to as long as I have to. She's my daughter, too. She'll and need us both."

Mac nodded in agreement at that statement. "I want her home. Harm, maybe on treatment days you can stay..."Mac began.

"He doesn't need to do that," said Mic emphatically. "I'm there, I can help."

"But you're not her parent," Mac insisted.

"Close enough," he replied.

"We have a more important decision to make now," said Harm. "How do we tell her and do we let them start treatment today?"

"I don't know how we tell her" said Mac softly.

"As much as I hate to say it, we just say it. We can say, Lucy, Mommy and Daddy know why you've been getting so many boo boos and feeling sick and tell her she has some bad things in her blood and needs really fancy medicine to make her better, that's all I can think of," Harm sighed. "I also think, just you and I should tell her."

"I want to be there, too," said Mic flatly. "I have a right to be."

"Mic, I think it would be better if you and Ana waited outside," Harm said. "This is a family moment."

"I'm family," hissed Mic. "I have a right to be there."

"Mic," Mac said gently. "You and Lucy have had your...uh, differences and it might be easier on her with just Harm and I there. You and I talked about this when I decided, when Harm and I decided to have a more open arrangement for the kids. This is a parent and child moment."

With a deep breath and a disgusted sigh, Mic relented. "Fine. I'll wait outside."

Lucy went into her Mommy and Daddy while a disgruntled Mic sat down beside Analise. "How are they taking it?" she asked. "I know how Harm's taking it, but how is Sarah coping?"

Mic shrugged. "As well as she can, I suppose. I don't like her being up so much and getting to worked up, but I don't guess we can do anything about that."

"I think she'd be more worried if she wasn't involved with Lucy's care, Mic," Analise sighed. "And Harm and I are here to help."

"She's supposed to be resting and being careful," said Mic. "And lately she's has certainly not been either. She's barely even slept. That's not good!"

"Do you think she'll sleep any better not seeing Lucy every day?" Analise sighed. "Harm, hasn't slept either. He just lies in the bed, he's barely eaten."

"I've been on Sarah to eat," said Mic. "If I weren't, I doubt she'd give it much thought, you know?"

"They are both scared that their baby girl is dying and between you, me, and the wall..."Ana sighed.

Mic nodded softly. "Doesn't look too good, huh?"

She shook her head, "I take it they're in there telling her."

"Yeah, they are," he replied. "Wonder how she'll take it? She's so young."

"She'll probably not understand until the side effects kick in," Analise sighed. "I told Harm I'd be there for this if he needed me..."

"Sarah knows I'll be there, too" said Mic. "Sometimes, though, I wonder if she even wants me there."

"What do you mean?" Analise asked. "I don't have that worry with Harm thank Heaven."

"I don't know, really," sighed Mic as he leaned back against the wall. "I just wonder sometimes if Sarah is really as happy with me as she says she is. She thinks I hate Lucy, which I don't. I guess I just want to be sure she's happy, and that she'll let me support her through this, and I'm not. I'm just not sure."

Analise nodded, "Harm is...He's a tough act to follow Mic, even if he did make mistakes."

"Tell me about it," scoffed Mic. "I don't think I'll ever compare to him in her mind."

"That what happens when...I'm just surprised they didn't want the four of us to talk to her," Analise sighed.

"They only wanted 'family' in there," he said, obviously upset about it.

Analise was hit hard by those words and slid off the chair she was sitting on, "Oh, I see." She felt tears sting her eyes.

"Hey, I know," he said, rising to put an arm around her. "Stings, eh?"

"I have to...Tel,l Harm I went home okay," Analise said sliding out of Mic's one armed hug.

"Ana, wait," said Mic. "Don't go. He'll need you after this."

She nodded, "I need to use the bathroom though. I'll be right back."

Mic returned to his seat and fidgeted with the button on his sleeve. He was wondering how things were transpiring in the room next to him, how Lucy was taking the news. He hoped she wasn't in pieces, and more importantly, he hoped her mother was able to stay strong.

A moment later the door opened and a tearful Mac stepped out followed by Lucy chewing on her finger, and finally by Harm whose eyes immediately searched out Analise as he held himself together by a thread.

"She's in the bathroom," said Mic, rising to tend to Mac.

"Oh, uh...okay," said Harm unsteadily. "Hey, Lucy, you want to go get your medicine so you can start to get better?" He made it sound like a good thing.

"Will you come with me?" she asked softly.

Harm nodded, "Yeah, Button. Daddy will read you a story while the medicine goes in, okay?"

"Can mommy be there, too?" asked Lucy. "I want her, too."

"I don't know, Button," Harm replied. "Mommy has to rest the baby."

"Can you, mommy?" asked the frightened little girl, looking up at Mac.

"Sure, Baby," Mac replied and together Harm and Mac took Lucy down the hall.

Lucy was laid on the bed and hooked up to the machine that would administer her medicine. She took it bravely, listening as Harm read to her until the IV had drained.

"You did such a good job, Button," said Harm as the nurse was removing the IV. "You ready to go home?"

Lucy nodded, "Do I have to take that again?"

"Yeah you do," admitted Harm. "But Mommy or I will be here with you, okay?"

Lucy nodded, "Will I feel all better? I don't feel good now."

"I know, sweetie," he said. "You might not feel too good, but it'll help make you feel better."

"Can I be carried to the car?" Lucy asked. "My back is hurting."

"Of course," said Harm, reaching down to pick her up.

Mac rose from her stool and walked out after Harm and Lucy. The doctor told them to expect the side effects as soon as the medicine hit her blood stream and in a six year old child..."Daddy?" Lucy said wearily.

"What, baby?"

Her answer came in the form of a cough as she became ill over his shoulder, down the back of his shirt and on the floor.

"Oh, Lucy," he said softly, his heart breaking as he realized this was only the beginning of a very long road.


	71. Chapter 71

**A/N: As promised another chapter up quickly due to the shortness of yesterday's update. I'm going to try to update faster so I can move on to some of my other story's that are in notebooks and napkins. Thanks for reading.**

After cleaning things up as best they could, Harm and Mac loaded up their little girl and took her home. He stayed until she was settled in her bed, the effects of the drugs violently tormenting her tiny body. With a few words to Mac and a friendly hug goodbye, Harm and Analise headed for her apartment.

Harm upset with her and her with him.

Harm and Analise were both quiet as they drove to her apartment. "The cocktail might be too strong for her," she said gently trying to break the silence and tension between them. She knew that Harm was going through a lot, but his recent actions had given her reason to try to protect her heart.

"Might be," he said plainly.

"She was still crying when you left, you could have stayed," she told him. "I could have come back alone."

"Alone? You mean like you left me when I came out of there?" he asked, a sudden edge to his voice.

"Harm," she began and moved to take him in her arms.

He moved away from her. "No! No, you don't get to do this now, not when you said you'd be there and you weren't!"

"Harm, I was in the bathroom," she told him. "I...my feelings were hurt and I..."

"Your feelings were hurt?" he repeated. "Why would your feelings be hurt? It's not your daughter who's..." He couldn't finish his sentence as his emotion become too much. He had done well keeping it together for Mac and Lucy but now he was losing the battle.

"It stung when Mic said you...you only wanted family with Lucy," Analise admitted. "I'm sorry. I know I..."

"You really wanted to be in there?" he asked. "You wanted to stand by and watch as we told Lucy what we had to tell her? I don't think so."

"I wanted to be in there and stand beside you," she told him with an edge in her voice. "I love that little girl too! As if she were my own and you know that."

He looked up towards the ceiling, still in tears. "I do, but... When I came out of that room and looked around and didn't see you...I felt like I was lost in the darkest forest on earth and someone had stolen the sun."

Analise felt the tears start to fall from her own eyes, "I'm here now if...if you still want me to be. I'm sorry."

With another devastated sob, Harm opened his arms to her. He was so upset and he was taking it all out on her, but all he really wanted at that moment was for her to comfort him.

"It's going to be all right," she whispered stepping into his arms and holding him to her making a slow oscillating motion.

"I'm so scared," he whispered, finally able to allow the fear in his heart to creep into his voice.

"Ssh," Analise soothed. "It's all right Honey. She'll be fine. You'll see."

All he could do was cry. He wanted to believe her, but a small part of him just needed to cry, let all of the fear, anger, and guilt come out with her so that he could be strong for Mac and Lucy. He had not been the strong one for Mac during the end of their marriage, that was part of its death sentence and he knew that. That was a mistake he did not want to make twice.

"Come on," she urged. "Come and lie down. All this stress isn't good for you."

"Will you lie with me?" he asked, calming a little.

"Do you want me to?" she asked.

"I do," he whispered.

"Then I will," she replied and led him to their bed.

It didn't take him long to fall asleep, given the stress and strain of the day. Analise remained at his side, her arm resting against his back as he slept. She was nearly asleep herself when she heard the phone ring.

"Hello," Analise said into the receiver after one ring as not to wake Harm. Quickly she slid off the bed and took the handset with her.

"Ana, it's me," said Mac. "Is Harm still there?"

"He's here," Ana replied. "He's asleep."

"I hate to wake him," said Mac softly.

"He really needs the sleep," Analise replied. "This is very stressful for you both and you know he needs to watch his pressure."

"I know," sighed Mac. "It's Lucy, though. She's so sick right now and she's been asking for Daddy for the last hour straight."

"Bad huh?" Analise asked. "Is she still throwing up or what?"

"Almost non-stop," said Mac, her voice cracking. "There really isn't much left for her to throw up, but still she's…"

"Let me see if I can wake him and I'll have him call you back okay?" Analise asked.

"Okay, that'll be fine," replied Mac. "She's just so scared, you know?"

"So is he," Analise replied. "He is very emotional about this whole thing. It really has me worried."

"She's his little girl," said Mac. "He'd rather die himself than let her feel a second of this."

"I feel the same about Maggie," Analise replied. "But there is something even more special with Harm and Lucy."

"Yeah," said Mac, smiling and crying at the same time. "She'll be okay, won't she, Ana?"

"I want to say yes, but Sarah, her cancer spread, once it does that once it very easy for it to get into her brain and if it does that...I think Dr. Jacobson is the best pediatric oncologist in the business. If anyone can save her, he can."

She tried to speak, but the words couldn't get past the tears.

"I'll get Harm and have him call you back," Ana replied.

"Thank you," cried Mac softly.

Analise hung up her extension and went and sat beside Harm. She rubbed his arm and softly spoke his name, "Harm, honey. Wake up."

"Hmmm...what?" he responded, not really waking up.

"Harm, Mac called. You might have to go over there," she replied. "Come on now."

He opened his eyes and sat up. "Mac? Is something wrong?"

"She said Lucy was asking for you, but I told her you'd call her back first," Analise replied.

With a nod, he reached for the phone and dialed.

Mac hadn't put the phone down as she sat on the bathroom floor with Lucy cocooned in blankets. "Hello," she said on the first ring.

"Is she sick?" he asked, knowing there was no need for introduction.

"Sick is an understatement," Mac whimpered into the phone. "She hasn't' stopped throwing up, she has chills and a fever, she's crying in pain from a headache and stomach ache and I don't know if it is because she was weak or because of the cancer in her back but she can't seem to stand up right and..." She dissolved into sobs. "She wants her Daddy."

"Calm down, Mac," he soothed. "I'm on my way."

Harm hung up the line, "What?" Analise asked.

"I've have go over there," he said, rising from the bed. "Lucy is asking for me and she's really sick."

Analise pulled him in for a kiss, "I love you. Call me and let me know how she is."

He started to walk away, then stopped and returned to her for another kiss and a long hug.

"Go, call me if you need me and I'll be there as fast as I can get there," she told him. "Go on."

With a nod and a frightened smile, he was on his way.

Harm drove as fast as he could to the house and used the spare key Mac had given him. Mic was no where to be seen, probably off with DJ somewhere.

"Mac?" he called as he closed the door.

"In here," she called from the children's bathroom.

He hurried down the hallway, his heart sinking to his feet when he got his first glimpse of his little girl. She was so white and looked so sick, and there was very little he could do about it.

"Baby," he said softly. "Daddy's here. It's okay."

Lucy looked at him her eyes glassy and heavy but she didn't say anything just lay in Mac's arms. "Hi, Harm," Mac managed.

"Want me to take over?" he asked, knowing Mac's back had to be killing her.

Mac nodded, "Yeah. I have to stretch. I made a little bed for her in here because...her sheets are all ready a mess."

He reached over and took Lucy in his arms. "I'll sit with her," he told Mac. "You go get some rest. I'll clean up her room after a bit."

"Mommy!" Lucy whispered when she lost the comfort of her mother's arm. "Mommy!"

"Shh, it's okay" soothed Harm. "Daddy's got you, okay? Mommy needs to go rest."

"Daddy?" Lucy looked over at him. "Can I go in my..." She didn't' finish her sentence before she began to become ill.

"Oh, sweetheart," sighed Harm, wishing for nothing more than the ability to make her suffering stop.

"Can I go in my bed?" she asked once she'd once again rid her body of the excess of chemicals.

"In a few minutes", answered Harm. "I need to clean it up, and then you can."

"Daddy?" Lucy asked again leaning her head on his chest.

"What, baby girl?" he asked.

"Did I get medicine today?" she asked her voice having no strength, nothing the if he'd been listening to her but not looking at her to indicate it was Lucy he was talking to.

"Yeah, you did," he said. "That's why you don't feel so good."

"But medicine makes you better," Lucy sighed. "I feel worse."

"I know, baby," he said. "Sometimes we have to feel worse before we can feel better."

"Then I don't wanna be better," she whined then began to cry with what little strength she had left.

Harm gently rocked his child in his arms, fighting his own tears.

Lucy lay against Harm chest and became sick a few more times before she fell asleep.

Harm picked the child up and laid her down in the hallway so he could take to the task of cleaning her room.

When he was finished he retrieved her from the hallway and tucked her into bed. "Harm," Mac called from what used to be their bedroom.

"Yeah?" he said, peeking his head inside.

"Come talk to me please?" she asked. She was lying in the bed with her legs elevated on pillows. He could see her ankles were swollen pretty badly.

"Sure, okay," he said, walking in and taking a seat on the edge of the bed; the side that used to be his.

"How are you holding up?" Mac asked.

"As good as I can, I guess," he said. "Ana has been a big help. She's so supportive, you know? I don't what I'd do if she wasn't with me."

Mac nodded, "You are both lucky to have each other. Mic's is doing okay with this. Are you talking to Ana?"

"All the time," he sighed. "She doesn't let me shut down; she makes me talk about it."

"And Maggie?" Mac asked massaging her belly.

"Maggie's great," he said with a little smile. "She's a sweetie, she really is."

"Like..." Mac began and looked towards the door.

He nodded and looked at the floor. Maggie reminded him so much of Lucy at that age.

"She's going to die isn't she?" Mac asked softly.

He looked her straight in the eye. "Don't say that, Mac. Please. I don't want to think like that."

"I'm her mother, Harm," Mac replied. "I can feel it."

He shook his head. "I know she... It doesn't look good, but I can't think about it."

"Dr. Jacobson said one day she might wake up and not..." Mac's voice cracked. She took a deep breath and sighed. "Not be able to...to..."

He reached out and took her hand. "It's okay."

"She'll be so scared, Harm," Mac breathed. "And I don't know what to say to her when, and it is when, that happens."

He maintained his gentle grasp of her hand. "I don't know either. But we'll figure it out. We never thought we'd know what to say today, when we had to tell her she was sick but we did. We'll do it together."

Mac shifted in the bed, her back aching, "Mic should be home soon. I'm thinking he and I should postpone the wedding."

"Will he go for that?" asked Harm.

"He'll have too...I can't..." Mac paused when Lucy called out. "Mommy!"

"Coming, baby," called Harm as he moved from the edge of the bed. "I'll yell for you if I need you, okay?" he said to Mac.

Mac nodded and closed her eyes.

"Mommy!" Lucy called again.

Harm reached the child's room just as she called out. "What's wrong, sweetie?"

"My back hurts and my legs feel funny," she told him.

He sighed. "I'm sorry, Lucy. That's part of what's making you feel sick, the disease that's making your body sick. Do you want me to read you a story, or sing your song maybe?"

"I want you to make it stop hurting," Lucy whimpered.

"Okay, baby," he said, caressing her forehead. "I'll go get your medicine."

"The blue?" she asked. "Mic made me take it before. He held my nose."

"Yeah, the blue," said Harm. "I'll be back."

Harm returned with Lucy's medicine and indeed had to force her to swallow it. Not long after though she fell into a clearly peaceful sleep. By then he heard Mic return with DJ.

"There's my boy!" exclaimed Harm as he knelt in the living room with open arms.

DJ went to Harm and gave him a hug, "Hi, Daddy. We went bowling."

"That must have been fun, huh?' asked Harm.

"I got pins down. 13 pins," DJ told him. "Where's Mommy?"

"She's in her bed," said Harm. "She's taking a nap."

"Where's Lucy?" DJ asked.

"She's in her bed," said Harm. "She needs to sleep, she doesn't feel good."

"Can I go play?" DJ asked then.

"Sure, go ahead," smiled Harm.

"What are you doing here?" Mic asked once DJ ran off.

"Helping with my daughter," said Harm, put out that he had to defend himself.

"Still carrying on?" Mic asked.

"No," said Harm. "She's sick."

"She was carrying on so badly earlier she upset Sarah," Mic sighed. "We might have to give her to you to deal with if it keeps up. Sarah has the baby to deal with."

"She's not gonna send Lucy away," said Harm. He remembered moments ago that Mac said Mic was okay with things, it was clear that was not entirely the case. "She needs to be with her and take care of her."

"She needs to take care of the baby inside of her, that little one is defenseless," Mic countered. "Why can't you take her?"

"Because she needs to be with her mother for now," said Harm. "I'll be here and I'll help, but she needs to be with Mac."

"She doesn't need to be upset like that or have vomit all over her or anything. Can't she control that?" That last comment was not meant to be heard.

Harm was right in Mic's face. "Watch it!"

Mic backed off, "You going home to the little woman?"

With a glare, Harm ignored Mic's words and walked away and returned to check on Mac.

She was sleeping peacefully when he looked in on her.

After peeking in on Lucy, who was also sleeping, he headed for home.

Harm arrived home to find Analise pacing the floor in worry.

"Hey baby," he said. "What's wrong?"

"You were gone so long and didn't call," Ana sighed. "Are you okay? How's Lucy?"

"She's sick" he said. "Really sick. Her bed was a mess when I got there. Mac had her on the bathroom floor...It was bad."

"Do you need me?" she asked.

"I do," he said, a look of deep sadness on his face.

"How's her pain?" Analise asked taking his hand and moving him to the bed. "Lie down and take that shirt off."

"It was bad enough," he said as he removed his shirt. "I gave her some of that blue junk. Had to hold her nose, but she took it."

Analise began to massage his knotted shoulders as he lay there, "How's that, Sweetie?" she asked. "Maybe massage for her you think?"

"Might be worth a try," he said, feeling his tension begin to melt away beneath her touch.

Analise continued to rub his shoulders and back and listen to him talk about what he needed to talk about until the sound of his voice was replaced by his soft and gentle snoring. Analise leaned down and kisses the back of his neck, "I love you Harm."

Somewhere in his slumber, he heard her, and it made his heart, the part that wasn't heavy and broken, smile.


	72. Chapter 72

**Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply. **

It was late October now, and for as much that had changed in Harm's life, so much had remained the same. Things with Analise were going well, and he grew to love little Maggie more each day. She reminded him so much of Lucy, though...of the biggest part of his life that was changing for the worse. She was so sick all the time, it was heartbreaking to hear about and even more heartbreaking to witness every time he was there to help care for her. She'd gotten a chemo port a few weeks earlier, something he and Mac had debated on and finally agreed to. Lucy's long, curly locks were beginning to fall out, though patches remained for the time being. With his heart heavy over the pain in his life, he along with Ana and Maggie arrived at the restaurant for his birthday dinner.

Mac was all ready at the table with Lucy leaning against her mother and wearing a pretty red hat, and DJ coloring on his placemat. "Happy Birthday!" Mac smiled rising as best she could given her seven month baby belly.

"Thank you," smiled Harm, leaning in to give his ex-wife a gentle hug and a kiss on the cheek. "How're you doing?"

"Good today," Mac replied. "Hello, Ana. May I?" she reached out for Maggie.

"Of course," she smiled, handing Maggie off. "She likes you, you know?"

Mac lifted the little girl, "Hi, Sweetie. Hi," she smiled and cuddled her close.

"Hey, Lucy Bear," said Harm sitting down beside his little girl. "You look so pretty in your hat."

"Uncle AJ got it for me," Lucy replied and laid her head on her plate.

It broke his heart to see her like that, but he knew he needed to enjoy the party as much as he could. "You've got good taste, AJ," said Harm, an effort to thank his friend for Lucy's hat.

"So do you," he nodded towards Ana then whispered, "Do I hear wedding bells?"

Harm smiled a tiny bit and shrugged his shoulders. "I guess anything's possible, but nothing soon."

"Don't let her get away," AJ smiled. "She's a gem."

"That she is," agreed Harm, watching as Ana and Mac visited while Maggie played with the button on Mac's sweater.

"Hey, everybody," Bud greeted as he and Harriet entered the restaurant. "Happy Birthday, Sir."

"Bud," said Harm with a mock-annoyed tone. "We're out of uniform; it's Harm, and thank you."

"How are you doing, Sweetie?" Harriet asked Lucy. "Look what I brought for you."

"You brought me a present?" asked Lucy. "But it's Daddy's birthday. He's supposed to get the presents."

"Uncle Bud has his present," Harriet told her. "This is just for you."

Harriet handed Lucy a coloring book and brand new crayons.

Lucy's face lit up unlike it had done in ages. "Thank you, Aunt Harriet! "

"You feeling better?" she asked as Lucy thumbed through the book.

"No," said the little girl. "I'm really sick, but Mommy says I can get better."

"I bet you can. Remember when you were about three years old and Daddy's plane had an accident. Do you remember that?" Harriet asked her arm around Lucy's tiny shoulders.

"Nuh-uh," said Lucy, opening her box of crayons. "I don't remember only being three."

"Well, I remember it. I came and watched you while Mommy went to see Daddy at the hospital. He was really sick," Harriet told her.

"Was he sick like me?" asked Lucy.

"No, he had a different thing wrong with him, but it was really bad. Now look at him. Does he look sick?" Harriet pointed at Harm as he sipped a beer and picked up Maggie as she began to fuss.

"No, he's all better," she said. "And I'm gonna be all better too. The medicine makes me feel sick, but Mommy says it'll make me better."

Harriet cuddled Lucy, "It will."

The waitress came by just then to take everyone's order, and to deliver fresh baskets of homemade bread and cinnamon butter. The grown-up's chatted about the goings' on of everyday life while the children entertained themselves, Lucy with coloring, DJ with a game on his placemat, and Maggie with throwing her cup on the floor repeatedly. Once their meals arrived, everyone ate in happy silence, a sign of a delicious meal. When it was time for the cake, Maggie threw a fit when she wasn't allowed to dig her hands into it. Everyone laughed and sang to Harm as he made his wish; a wish that his little girl would be well again.

"Well," Mac smiled. "What do you say to some of these gifts here?" she asked Harm.

"Which one should I start with?" he asked.

DJ voiced his opinion, "Mine Daddy! It's blue!"

Everyone laughed. "Okay, buddy," said Harm, reaching for the blue package. "Did you pick it out yourself?"

"I got three choices," DJ told him and moved off his chair so he could see his Daddy open his present.

Harm removed the wrapping paper, then the lid off the white gift box to reveal a dark green sweater. He pulled it out and held it up to himself. "Well, how do I look?"

"Pretty," DJ murmured and drew more laughter from the party goers.

"From you, son," said Harm, reaching over to tousle the boy's hair. "That's a compliment.

"Should I open this one now?" continued Harm, holding up a red gift bag.

"That one's from me," Mac told him. "Go ahead."

He removed the tissue paper, tossing it onto the table, and pulled out a small box. Carefully, he took off the lid and pulled out a gold ID bracelet. Looking closely at it, he saw it contained the names and birthdates of his children, instead of his own name. "Wow, Mac," he said. "I love it."

Mac smiled, "I'm glad. Happy Birthday," she leaned forward and placed a kiss on his cheek.

"Open mine next," Lucy told her father but didn't move from her spot on Bud's lap.

"Okay, I will," said Harm happily. He picked up the yellow gift bag and reached inside, pulling out an object carefully wrapped in bubble wrap. "Did you do this, Button?" he asked as he slid his finger underneath the tape along the edge.

"Yes," Lucy replied. "Mommy watched me."

He pulled the bubble paper off and unveiled a silver picture frame, containing a new picture of Lucy and DJ.

"You like it Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Mommy had us take it at the store."

"I love it," he said, blinking back a tear as he kissed Lucy on top of her head.

"Well, I think it is my turn," AJ smiled. "Open the big one first," he told him as he handed him a long heavy rectangular object.

With a curious expression, Harm slipped the paper off of the box. "This is interesting," he said.

He set the box upon the table and lifted off the lid, finding himself face-to-face with a hard cover copy of the book Captains of the Seas. "Oh, wow, AJ. I love it!"

"Now open the smaller one," AJ instructed. "It's from General Creswell."

"Oh, okay," he said. Harm had not been aware that the General was in the habit of giving those under his command gifts, birthday or any other kind. After stripping the box of the plain black paper, he opened the hinged lid and stood in bewilderment. "Captain's bars?"

"Congratulations," AJ replied. "The General wanted to be here but he couldn't be so...Congratulations, Captain Rabb."

"Wow," said Harm, his flyboy smile in rare form. "This is amazing, really."

Analise moved towards Harm at the same time as Mac did.

Without a conscious though, Harm leaned in to Mac's embrace, unaware of what he'd done for several moments, until he saw the pained expression on Ana's face.

"Con..." she began again. "Congratulations, Sweetheart." And leaned in to kiss him deeply.

"Thanks," he said, his smile fading as he realized the extent of what he'd just done.

Harm opened the rest of the gifts on the table, receiving Harriet and Bud, the Roberts children, little Maggie, but nothing from Analise. He didn't question that though, figuring she'd want to do it in private.

The party wound down and Mac left with the children for home, knowing Mic would be upset if she were out too late. Finally, only Harm, Analise and Maggie were left.

"So," he said playfully. "What'd you get me?"

"At home, okay," she replied fighting her anger and her pain.

Harm wasn't stupid; he knew why she was upset. "Are you ready to go?' he asked softly.

"Yeah," Ana replied. "Let's go. It's late."

He rose from his chair and reached out for her, his hands touching her shoulders. "Baby, I'm so sorry," he said. "I know what I did and I know it hurt you, and I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," she replied. "It's instinctual. Let's just go. I don't feel well."

Knowing that was neither the time nor place to push things, he picked up Maggie's diaper bag and they headed for the car.

She was quiet in the car, and went upstairs to lie down leaving Harm to deal with Maggie. She took the gift she'd hidden and left it on the table for him to see.

"I left you gift on the table," she told him, not leaving her tightly curled ball.

With a sigh, he walked towards the table and picked up the envelope. He opened it and removed a folder from a travel agency. "What's this?" he asked her.

"Tickets to Hawaii," Analise replied. "You need a break, Baby. We need a break."

"Yeah, we do but…" he began. "I can't leave now. Not with Lucy like she is."

"That is why I think you need to leave," Ana replied. "It's not a long trip."

"I know, and it sounds wonderful," he said gently. "I just...I'm not sure I can leave her, Ana. I want to, I just..."

"You can't leave her or you can't leave Mac?" she snapped to words out before she noticed them.

He stood dumbfounded. "Is that what you think?"

"Harm," she said softly. "You know I've been thinking. Maybe...maybe it would be best if we, uh, if we took a little break."

"No, Ana," he said, immediately sitting beside her. "I'm sorry, I messed up and I'm really sorry, but I don't wanna lose you over it, or over anything for that matter."

"It's not just because of today," she sighed. "How long has it been since we made love?"

"I don't know," he said, then tried to venture a guess. "A week?"

"Try five," she sighed. "When we the last time you and I went out for the evening?"

"Okay, I get the point," he said. "Lucy needs me; I have to be there for her."

"You..."Analise stopped talking and began to cry. She lay back down and hid her face.

Harm sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "Ana, please."

"I've been fighting...fighting this for a while now and...And I don't think that you can be what Lucy needs and what Maggie and I need and what Mac needs and..." She couldn't finish.

"You can't mean you want us to split up," he said, once again sitting beside her. "I can do better. I know I haven't been there for you, but I can do better."

"You shouldn't have to be in two places at once," she replied rolling over to face him, tears spilling over her eyes. "Mac and Lucy need you..."

"So you want me to be with them and not you?" He was dying inside at the idea of losing her.

"I don't want that but...I can't have half of you Harm and I don't want all of you at Lucy's expense. I think we just...just need a little break," she sobbed.

"But I don't want one," he whispered.

She bit her lip, "Harm, I'm doing this for you."

"I don't want to lose you, Ana," he said. "I love you, you know that."

"I do know that, and I love you. So much," she sobbed. "That's why I have to let you go. I'm sorry."

Harm rubbed his hands over his face. "You're my rock, Ana. You're who I come to when things with Lucy get me down."

"You can still do that, Harm. I'm not going to stop being your friend. But that's all I am to you anymore. Admit it," she said softly.

He shook his head. "No. You mean everything to me; you and Maggie."

"Say you love me," she told him. "Say you love me and not Mac. Say it."

"You know I love you," he said. "I say it every day."

"Do you mean it?" she asked. "Do you...Lucy has to be your focus. Lucy and me, and that's not the case right now. Is it?"

"It is," he insisted. "It is!"

"Harm...please don't make this harder than it all ready is," she begged. "Please."

"I don't think it can get any harder," he said, slumping against the back of the couch.

"I love you," she whispered. "But in good conscience I can't ask you to divide your heart anymore."

He was quiet for a moment. "So this is it?"

"I think it has to be," she replied.

As he stared into her eyes, his tears began to fall. "I don't want it to be."

"It doesn't have to be forever," she replied. "But I think it has to be."


	73. Chapter 73

A/N: Another chapter finished. I looked at what remained of the story today and I predict it has about five chapters to go…I will update another tomorrow and on Wednesday. My goal is to have it all posted by the end of the week. Thanks for reading.

Disclaimers: See earlier chapters

It took Harm a few days before he felt ready to share the news with anyone. He'd only had a few greater heart breaks in his life, his divorce from Mac and of course his daughter's illness.

He hadn't slept well the previous night, both on account of his broken heart and Lucy's worsening illness. The last call he took before drifting off into a restless slumber was Mac telling him that Lucy's port had become infected, and she was even sicker than usual because of it. He hated this. He hated everything about it. He knew, however, that Lucy needed him and nothing - not a broken heart, a broken spirit, or a broken dream - was going to keep him from her.

He and Mac decided to take Lucy to Dr. Jacobson that next morning since her fever had done nothing but climb steadily throughout the night. At nine that morning he arrived at his family's home, tired, worn out, and very scared.

"How's she doing?" he asked softly when Mac opened the door.

"If anything she's worse. She's sleeping finally," Mac sighed and massaged her expanding belly.

He felt another break to his heart at that sight. No matter how often he saw her, he couldn't get over the pain of her pregnancy. "I know she had you up all night," he said. "Why don't you go rest awhile before we have to go?"

"No, I'm fine," Mac replied. "You don't look so great yourself. Want some coffee?"

"That'd be nice" he nodded, removing his coat and draping it over the back of the sofa. "Where's Mic and DJ?"

"DJ spent the night at Harriet's. Mic's picking him up now," Mac replied as she moved to the kitchen and began to make the coffee. "How are things with you and Analise?"

He ran his hands over his face and through his hair. "We...we're not together anymore."

"Not together?" Mac asked confused. "You two were great together. What happened?"

"She felt Lucy needed my full attention," he explained plainly, a hint of pain across his brow. "She didn't want to take me away from that, and to be honest...it wasn't fair of me to ask her to. She deserves someone who's not distracted, you know?"

"I do know," Mac sighed. "I'm starting to feel that same way about Mic."

"Is he giving you trouble about Lucy?" asked Harm, feeling his defenses rise.

"Not so much," Mac replied pouring his coffee. "The problem really is that he seems more focused on this baby that the two I all ready have."

Harm shook his head. He expected nothing less from Mic. "What time is the appointment again, 1030?"

"Yes, we better try to get her up," Mac sighed and began to rise, even though she's just sat down.

"No, you stay," he said gently, rising from his chair. "I'll get her ready; you relax for a few minutes."

Mac smiled in thanks and watched as Harm headed for Lucy's bedroom.

Harm got Lucy dressed, having to do most of the work for her. They were not long to wait at the doctor's and one look at the port site and a check of Lucy's fever, now nearing 105 was all he needed to strongly recommend she be admitted to the children's wing of a nearby hospital.

Lucy was too tired to argue about the actual admission, but when she saw a sign for visiting hours, she began to cry and cling to her father's neck.

"What's the matter, Button?" he asked.

She replied, but was crying so hard he couldn't understand her.

"Shh...Calm down," he soothed, gently rubbing her back. "Tell me what's wrong, okay?"

She swallowed and mumbled, "Mommy."

He looked over at his ex-wife, who was blinking back tears while trying to look like she wasn't. "I'm here, Lucy" she said, walking towards her little girl. "Come see me?"

Lucy reached out for her mother, "I don't want to stay here," she told her as she cried. "It says you have to go. I want you to stay."

"Aww, baby..." said Mac, running her hand along Lucy's cheek. "We'll be here as long as we can be, I promise."

"I'm scared. I can't sleep if I'm scared," she sniffled. "I want to go home."

"Hey Button," said Harm quietly. "How about if after you get all nice and warm in your bed, Daddy sings you your sleepy song? Would that make it any better?"

She shook her head. "I want Mommy to stay with me. Remember you told me?"

Mac had promised if she had to go the hospital that she'd not leave her alone, but the rules in this ward were against that. Many hospitals, most in fact, allowed one parent or sometimes both parents to stay with a sick child. This one, Dr. Jacobsen had explained, did not because they found the children did rest better and so did the parents with one enforced 8 hour break.

"Baby, Mommy wants to but she made a mistake. That's against the rules. But I'll tell you what, every single minute that Mommy can be here, I'll be here. Every single minute."

"Me too," said Harm, kissing the side of his daughter's feverish head.

Mac handed Lucy back to Harm, "I'm going to call Mic and AJ."

As she walked down the hall, the nurse came to show Harm and Lucy to the room where the child would be staying. He hated to leave Lucy, even for the few minutes it took the nurse to get her gowned up and settled into bed, but the moment he was able to rejoin her, he did so.

Lucy lay on her side her little eyes starting to close, "Daddy?"

"Yes, baby girl?" he replied, holding her weak little hand in his large strong one.

"Am I going to die?" she asked him.

He swallowed hard against the pain that hit him every time his mind had to think about that possibility. "You're not going to die, Lucy Bear," he answered calmly, stoically. "You're going to get better and soon we'll be able to have all kinds of fun again. What would you like to do the first time we get to go out for fun? Anything you want."

"Can we go skiing again?" she asked, eyes fighting to stay opened.

"You bet we can," he said, squeezing her hand ever so slightly. "I'll even let you get a new snow suit, okay?"

Lucy nodded, "Do you still go to work Daddy?"

"I do," he answered. "But I can still be here with you a lot. Mommy will be too."

Lucy smiled, "I love you Daddy."

He leaned in and kissed her fiery forehead. "I love you too, Button."

Harm remained at her bedside and watched her sleep. He thought back to years past, all the years of her little life, and how when he held her for the first time, never in his wildest dreams did he imagine ever seeing her like this. He knew the illness had just happened, no fault of anyone...but a part of him couldn't keep from being angry. Very angry. At first he wasn't sure who he was angry with, whether it was situational or whether it had a valid recipient, but within moments he realized the answer...the moment Mac walked into the room.

"How did this happen?" he fired at her as quietly as he could given his anger just then.

"I don't know," Mac replied remaining calm in the face of Harm's emotions.

"We're supposed to take care of her!" he said, eyed wide and dark. "But there's no 'we' anymore, and now look at her - she's so sick!"

"Harm, nothing we did or didn't do caused this," Mac said gently. "It was just meant to be."

In that moment, it all clicked for him, why he was so angry. He's often said in his world, to lose control meant to die. He had no control over this...over what happened to his child. No control, no matter what he did. Mac was right, it was just meant to be, and that realization gutted him terribly. He looked at the floor, then at Lucy sleeping, and then at Mac before the tears began to fall.

Mac wasn't sure what to do. She and Harm had shared so many times in tears over their babies, but now with the distance between them she was at a total loss. Hesitantly she moved towards him and moved to slip her arms around his waist.

Part of him wanted to retreat from her, but so much more of him needed to be held. He let her arms come around him, and placing his around her shoulders, he began to cry in earnest. "I'm scared, Mac" he whispered.

She held tighter to him, "So am I, Harm," she replied. "Sometimes I think...I wonder how hard she can fight."

He nodded and cried silently. She was just a little girl, his little girl, and he was afraid of losing her.

Mac felt like crying, but her tears did not fall. It was almost as if while Harm was falling to pieces she was incapable of it.

"If it can be done it will be done," Mac assured him. "You know that. We'll make it. Okay?"

With a few deep breaths, Harm pulled himself together. "You're right," he said confidently. "We'll make it. We will and so will she."

Mac smiled, "That's right. Don't lose hope. We've done this before, remember?"

Again, he nodded. "We'll make it."

Mac pulled back, "Now how about some lunch. I'm hungry and I'm sure Lucy will want something when she wakes up."

"Is the cafeteria any good here?" he asked.

"It's not bad," Mac replied and reached into her bag to hand him money. "Ham and cheese sandwich please."

He waved off her offer of money. "It's okay, my treat. You want mayo and mustard, right?"

"Mayo and ketchup," she replied.

He smiled and shook his head. Pregnancy had always given her some cute culinary quirks. "I'll be back in a few."

Mac nodded and sat down. They'd come along way in a short time, and if that could happen she decided anything was possible.

Harm returned with their lunch in short order and they both stayed by Lucy side until 11 that night when the doctors and nurses made them leave. They followed this routine, on the weekends, for many weeks that Lucy remained hospitalized, and on the weekdays, the only hours Harm was away from her were the ones he was required to be for work, every other moment was devoted to Lucy.

After three weeks the infection finally lifted but Dr. Jacobsen did not have encouraging news.

"Mr. Rabb, Mrs. Rabb," he said seriously. "We need to talk about how to proceed."

"This doesn't sound good," said a very worried Harm.

"It's not, but it isn't bad either," he replied. "Lucy's immune system has been severely compromised by the chemotherapy and by the leukemia itself."

"So what are the options?" asked Mac.

"Well, for children at this stage we like to hospitalize them until they have completed the course of treatment," the doctor replied.

Harm shook his head and looked down at the floor. "We hoped she'd be going home soon."

"We could send her home..." the doctor began.

"Not if that's not what's best for her," said Harm. "She needs whatever is best."

"Then she should stay here," the doctor replied. "It is our best hope of trying to save her."

"What will the visiting arrangement be?" asked Mac. "Same as it is now?"

"Exactly the same," he replied. "We'll even let her stay in her room."

"Okay, thank you," said Mac. She turned to her former husband. "We should go talk to her."

The couple rejoined their daughter in the room which had become a second home for them, and explained to her that she would be there for awhile longer. She cried, as most any child would at being given this news, but she didn't cry long. She knew her parents would be there, making sure she was as happy as she could be given the circumstances. For a child her age, she was remarkably sharp, and she knew that even if they no longer loved each other the way they once did, their love for her hadn't changed.

That night, it was nearing midnight when Mac came home exhausted. Mic had waited up for her to get the daily report.

"Hey love," he said. "When is the kiddo coming home?"

"I don't know," she said softly and flopped on the sofa.

He looked puzzled. "What do you mean you don't know?"

"They have to keep her, until she finishes her treatments and gets stronger," Mac replied.

"Well how long will that be?" he sighed.

"Probably another two or three months," Mac replied.

"What?" he exclaimed and rose from the easy chair in disbelief. "You mean I have to put up with two or three more months of this, of you coming home exhausted night after night? We're having a baby in 2 months, Sarah, or had you forgotten about that?"

"Mic, I don't like it either, but she's my baby girl. I have to be with her, she'll be scared all alone," Mac replied. "I just sit anyway."

"You shouldn't be there, Sarah!" he pressed. "Look at you, you're wiped out tired, your back aches, you never have time for yourself now as it is, and when our baby comes, well hell I bet the kid will be lucky to even see you!" His face was turning red, his temper beginning to flare.

"The baby will see me," Mac countered. "By then Lucy could be recovered."

"Or she could be sicker, you don't know!" he said.

"Let me tell you what I do know," Mac replied sharply. "I know that I am not leaving my baby alone, sick and scared any more than I all ready have to, so this discussion is useless Mic!"

"Useless is it?" he asked. "It figures, that's what we are to each other anymore, useless and it's all because you can't focus on anything but her!"

"And you focus on everything but," Mac retorted. "You have never even been to see for more than five minutes and that was only because I had taken DJ with me."

"I'm too busy keeping our household functioning to waste time at the hospital!" he spat.

"Waste time!" Mac argued. "Seeing your stepdaughter is wasting time?"

He began to speak, but stopped instead. With a long sigh, he approached her. "I'm sorry, love. I'm being a real ass, and that's not what you need. I'm just worried about you and about our baby, that's all."

"I'm worried about the baby too," Mac replied.

He placed his hand on her belly. "You need to relax and slow down, for both your sakes, okay?"

"I can't Mic," Mac replied. "For both our sakes I need Lucy to get well."

"You can't sacrifice one child for another, Sarah" he said, his tone getting a slight edge to it once again. "You can't sacrifice yourself, either. I won't let you."

"I am her mother," Mac sighed choosing to ignore his last statement. "I have to be there for her. She needs me there. I've told you."

"She has a father," said Mic. "Let him handle her. You can't keep this up, Sarah; you just can't!

"I can," Mac shot back. "I can and I will. Yes Harm is her father, her Daddy even, but it's Mommy she wants."

"What about what I want?" he asked, voice and temper both rising.

"I cannot believe you just asked me that," Mac gasped. "This is not about what any of us want. This is about what Lucy needs."

"Lucy! Lucy, that's all I ever hear anymore!" Mic hissed.

"The child is a very sick little girl," Mac told him. "That is what we have to focus on; getting her well again and I need you to support me in this Mic."

"I do support you," he said. "I also support you not spending every waking moment at that hospital while DJ and I go on about life without you! That's not how it should be!"

"I see DJ every day. AJ brings him to the hospital to see Lucy. You could do that," Mac argued. "Why don't you?"

He crossed his arms and turned his back to her.

Mac reached out and grabbed his arm, "Answer me!" she ordered.

"Because I don't want to!" he thundered. "I don't want to take that little guy to see his dying sister-"

"What did you just say?" Mac asked her raised voice falling to a hushed whisper.

"She's dying, Sarah," he said. "Face it, all right? It's only a matter of time."

"Don't say that," she declared. "Don't you dare say that!"

"I'll say anything I damn well please!" he shouted.

"She's not dying Mic, how dare you even think that?!" she spat.

He threw his hands in the air and headed for the hallway. "I'm done with this conversation, I'm done!"

"That's right," Mac replied "You are. You have ten minutes to pack."

"Excuse me?" he asked. 

"You heard me," Mac replied. "If you cannot support me and Lucy in this fight, if you can't be a part of this family, then you are not welcome in it any longer. Get out."

"You can't throw me out!" he said. "I'm not leaving you, I'm not!"

"This is my house and I want you out of it," Mac told him. "You can go willingly or..."

"You know what?" he hissed. "I am leaving, and I'll be a better man for it. This was a mistake, all of it, right from the start, but you best believe I'll be a part of my baby's life!"

"We'll see," Mac replied. "After the parenting skills you've exhibited you'll be lucky if I'll let see it when its 21!"

Without another word, he grabbed his keys and his jacket, walked out the front door, and slammed it behind himself.

He glared at her, his eyes dark and cold. "Don't make this messy, Sarah."

"Messy is how I like it," she replied. "Your time is up."

Without another word, he grabbed his keys and his jacket, walked out the front door, and slammed it behind him.

She handled the breakup with Mic as solid as anyone could expect an ex-Marine to handle anything. It hurt, hurt badly in fact, but it had to happen. He wasn't what she needed...who she needed. She expected him to cause trouble over the baby, but she couldn't worry about that just yet. She sank onto the sofa and sighed... she had a critically sick child, a new baby coming soon, and a son lost in the shuffle of it all. She felt alone...Very alone. She wasn't though, and deep down, she knew it.

With a hurried brush-off of a rebellious teardrop, she rose from the sofa and headed for bed. Morning would come early, and another day of loving her daughter through the pain would soon be upon her.


	74. Chapter 74

See Chapter One for Disclaimers.

Chapter 74

In the wake Mac's split from Mic, Bud, Harriet and AJ who had all helped from the very beginning offered even more assistance and support than before, taking care of DJ, visiting their friends, being sounding boards and pillars of strength, especially for Mac as her pregnancy drew to a close. Mac was not as she once feared alone without Mic, she had a host of supporters and of course there was Harm. He was there for the worst of things, Lucy's chemo days especially. Still it was Mac Lucy wanted to be with her most of the time and she'd cry for her mother whenever Mac was not present.

Day after day and night after night Mac and Harm would sit beside their ailing daughter, sometimes playing games with her, and on night like this one, chemo nights, holding her close and loving her through it all.

"I think she's finally asleep," Mac said to Harm. They'd been sitting with Lucy for the better part of the evening holding her and rocking her as she rid her body of the chemicals used to treat her cancer. Chemo days were always rough on her, but they were perhaps rougher on Harm and Mac. Mac sat back in the chair she'd been resting in and laid a hand on her large belly. "Can you give me a lift?"

Harm nodded and held both his hands out for her to grab on to. "That help?" he asked.

"Very much, I'll be glad when it comes and I can see my feet again," Mac replied. "I don't think I got this big with the other two."

Harm looked down at the floor. "No, I don't think you did." It was hard for him to look at Mac without a piece of his heart dying every time.

"Dr. Bradley said at my last appointment I'll have to have a C-section if it gets much bigger," Mac smiled and put her hand around to her back. She'd been doing that all day on and off. "Can I have a ride home too? I don't fit behind the wheel anymore."

"Yeah, sure," he said, thankful for every time she came to him for help of any kind. Their interaction had become completely centered on Lucy's illness, and the closeness the couple once shared was long gone. "Are you ready?" he asked.

Mac reached out and touched Lucy's cheek. "I'm never ready to leave her like this, but I have to. I'm exhausted and they won't let us stay after eleven anyway."

He stepped close to Lucy on the other side of her bed. "I hate leaving her like this, too. Doesn't seem that long ago she was completely fine, and now look at her." He placed his hand on the top of her head and swallowed hard.

"She's going to make it, Harm," Mac said with determination. "She's all Rabb. She's a fighter." This as she made a small sound and rubbed her back again.

"Your back bothering you?" he asked, walking from the opposite side of the bed towards the door.

"It's been bothersome most of the pregnancy, but yesterday and today it's really acting up. Thirty-five extra pounds will do that to you," Mac sighed. "Lead the way Captain."

Harm held the door open for her, and together they walked to the elevator down the hall. There was a time when they would have made the walk hand-in-hand, but as so many others, that time had passed.

Harm protected Mac as the crossed the dark street one hand on the small of her back until they made it into the dark parking garage. "Harm, is there a bathroom in here? I have to go again."

"I don't know," he said, looking around a bit. "There should be...oh yeah, right across there. I'll walk over there with you."

"Please," Mac smiled at him. She was really feeling bad and there was a time when she'd lean against him and let him take care of her. While they'd bridged the gap, they were still miles apart.

"So uh, is Mic...gone for good?" stammered Harm as they walked across the parking lot.

Mac nodded, "Yeah. At least from my life. He's still on exchange but I'm not exactly a Marine anymore so..."

Harm nodded and stared ahead. "Think he'll fight you over the baby?"

"I doubt that," Mac said. "Even if he tries there is no way he can win."

"He's the baby's father, Mac," Harm reminded her though he knew she did not need reminding.

"Trust me," Mac replied. "He cannot win. Not after Lucy."

"I'd damn sure hope not," said Harm as they finally reached the bathroom. "Go on; I'll wait right here."

"I'll hurry," Mac promised and disappeared inside.

The bathroom was dirty, like most public restrooms are, but Mac had to go so badly it really didn't matter. She undressed herself and went to do her business when she felt a strong pain wrap around her from her back to her stomach. Clutching her belly she let out a cry as she felt a rush of liquid between her legs. "Harm!"

He heard her scream his name, and stuck his head inside the door. "Mac? You okay?"

"No," she shook her head. "My water just broke." She gasped again as she felt another contraction come right on top of the last one. It was like DJ all over again.

"What?" he asked in disbelief, rushing into the bathroom. "Are you sure?" He tried to get into the stall where she was, but she'd habitually locked it. "Open the door!"

Mac reached out and undid the latch. She was standing with her panties around her ankles; the delicate white silk was now soaked in fluid. Her pink maternity dress was draped over her belly. She was breathing deeply, focusing, only one who knew her well could tell she was scared.

He knew with one look that this was real, though he almost pinched himself a few times to make sure. Thinking quickly, he did his best to put a plan of action into effect. "Okay, Mac, we need to get you to the car...uh...sit down and I'll go get it and be right back."

Mac eased herself down to the toilet, leaning down and breathing. "I always hated this part."

"I know," he said. "I'll be back in two minutes." With that he ran out of the bathroom and to his car, still somewhat in disbelief that this was happening.

He rounded the corner to the section where he parked to find the gate closed. "What the hell?" he asked aloud as she grabbed the gate and shook it violently. "How can this be locked? How the hell am I supposed to get out of here?" he shouted before realizing he didn't have time to spend venting his frustration over the inept parking garage staff, who wasn't even around to hear him. He turned tail and dashed back to the bathroom. "Mac, I'm back..." he said, very out of breath. "I can't get to the car; some idiot locked the wrong gate for the night."

"What?" she looked up at him. "No. I...Oh..." She began to rub her belly, "I think it's another DJ."

"Oh God, I hope not," he said, trying to mask his fear and doing a pretty poor job. "You're only 8 months along; are you having contractions?"

"Actually its closer to nine months," Mac breathed. "And yes I am. Strong ones."

"Oh boy," said Harm under his breath, rubbing his brow in panicked confusion. "Uh...let's get you lying down. You shouldn't be sitting up like that. Can you make it out here and lie on the floor?"

"I'll need a hand up," Mac replied. "Can you get to your seabag?"

"I'm not sure, I may be able to squeeze through the gate" he said as he held out his hands and allowed her to grasp them tight. "What do you need out of there?"

"I need something to lie on, I'm not laying on this floor, it's filthy," Mac made a face and looked down at the cruddy floor.

"Can you lean against the wall here while I run back and try to get you the car?" he asked. "I can either make it or not, it won't take me long to decide."

Mac nodded, "We have some time yet I think. Go on," Mac replied. "And try to call the parking garage people."

"I was gonna do that as I ran," he said, pulling his cell phone off his belt. "Hang in there, I'll hurry." He took off running again, stopping only long enough to dial the emergency number for the parking garage management that was on a sign on the wall. He reached the area where he'd been before, and he could see his car only 50 yards away. As he tried to place the call for the third time, with no success, he gave up. With his phone in his hand, he tried to make himself slim enough to fit through the 8 inch opening between the locked gate and the wall. He got his right arm and shoulder through and the lower half of his right leg before realizing there was no way the rest of him could fit. He carefully backed out, but in doing so he let the phone slip from his right hand.

It bounced and landed 10 feet inside the locked gate.

By the time Harm got back, Mac was in the midst of another contraction, one so powerful that her legs could no longer hold her. She fell to the hard dirty floor legs sprawled beneath her. This is the sight that greeted Harm as he returned.

"Oh God, Mac" he said as he knelt beside her. "It's a bad one, I can tell. Try to breathe through it, then I'll get you lying down."

She focused on his eyes and breathed deeply, in and out, until finally she took one long cleansing breath. "Help me up; I'm not lying on this floor!"

"I'm afraid it's either this floor or the sidewalk," he said as he carefully helped her up. "I couldn't get the phone to work in all this steel and cement, and I couldn't fit through the gap in the gate to get to the car."

"What about your coat? Or mine? Can we put those down do you think?" she asked. "If not I'll take the sidewalk."

"I'd rather be in here than on the sidewalk," he said, pulling his coat off and putting it down on the floor. "Let me take yours off," he said, reaching around and pulling it down from her shoulders. "I'll wad part of yours up for you to put your head on, and the rest of yours and mine you can just lay on, okay?"

Mac nodded and allowed Harm to ease her coat off of her and help her lie on a makeshift bed. "We have to get out of here, Harm. I can't have the baby here, not like this."

"I don't want you to have it here, either," he said. "But unless you can hold on for another ten hours, when the garage opens for business again, I'm afraid that's what's gonna happen. Do you think you can make it that long?"

"If Lucy and DJ are any indication I have time," Mac sighed. "Why don't you try to go outside and call?"

"I can't," he said. "I dropped the cell phone on the other side of that damn gate. Hey, do you have yours with you?"

"Only you Harm," Mac replied rolling her eyes. "Check my purse."

Harm picked Mac's purse up off the floor and rummaged through it. "I don't see it," he said. "I know, I'll run back over to the hospital and get help. I don't know why I didn't think of that before!"

Mac nodded again, "You're panicking, Harm. Calm," she told him as she felt another contraction begin to take hold.

"Want my hand?" he asked, not sure if he could reach out and grab hers like he would have done without question in happier times.

She nodded, "Yes," came her whimpered answer. "Oh it hurts. Definitely a boy."

"I didn't realize that labor for girls came pain-free now" he said with a slight chuckle as he took a hold of her hand. "You don't know the sex yet?"

"Don't' get smart," she panted. "No, we never liked to find out. I said that because DJ was painful the whole way and Lucy kind of built up. This one is hard. Its...It feels different."

"I know we never liked to find out," said Harm as he felt Mac squeeze his hand harder. "I just thought maybe you and..." He let his voice trail off as the remainder of the sentence was too painful to speak. "It's okay, breathe through it, and when this one passes I'll run and get help."

Mac nodded, and finally the contraction let up. She took a deep cleansing breath. "Get help Harm," she said it with a hint of desperation, and he knew then she knew more than she was telling.

"I'll be as fast as I can," he said, standing up and letting her hand slip out of his. He went to open the restroom door, and found just one more unbelievably rotten obstacle in his way. "Oh, for the love of Christ Almighty!" he yelled as he pulled on the door, noticing for the first time the bright red sign which read "For security purposes, this door locks automatically at 11:00 p.m." "Can this get any worse?" he asked himself as he slammed his fist against the door.

"Harm, what's happening?" Mac asked from her position on the floor.

"We're stuck in here, Mac" he said, forcing himself to calm down as best her could for her sake. "The door is one of those timed lock things, and it's locked. We're in here for the night. I'm sorry."

Hearing that she let out a sob, and turned her head to face the wall. "Its not supposed to be like this," she whispered. "Its not supposed to be like this."

"I know, it's not," he said softly, kneeling down close to her but still afraid to touch her. She was coming off a failed relationship with the baby's father, and the only relationship that existed between Mac and himself was that of co-parenting Lucy and DJ. "I'm here for you, though. We'll get through this, somehow."

Mac nodded. "We will," she sighed. "Can you..." She felt funny asking this of him, but she needed to be checked.

"What do you need?" he asked.

"Can you see if I've..." she looked over to her knees which she'd put naturally in the bent position. "I need to know if I'm dilated."

"Uh...okay," he said apprehensively. "How will I know?"

"Look and see how many fingers you can fit vertically," she told him. "It'll hurt a bit, but we need to know."

"Okay," he said, rising to quickly washing his hands before returning to her side. "You sure you want me to do this?"

Mac nodded, "Nothing you haven't done before, well in a manner of speaking," she sighed and waited for him to do as she asked.

"I've never done this before," he said as he moved from her side to in front of her knees, "I know I'd remember!" With a deep breath, he slowly slipped one finger inside her body. "I'm supposed to feel as far up as I can, right?"

"Yeah," she replied breathing deeply. "Just do it before the next contraction."

"Just give me a little warning, if you can," he said, gently moving his finger around. "I'm trying to think back to that poster in the doctor's office, the one of the stages of labor. I think I feel your cervix. Can you feel me touching you at all?"

"Yeah," she replied. "You're good so far."

"Okay," he said, feeling relieved that he at least knew that much about what he was doing. "I'm gonna try two fingers, tell me if it hurts."

"A little bit," she replied. "Not too bad though."

"That's good," he said, feeling around very carefully. "I can fit the ends of both my fingers in that little space, whatever that means."

"It means I'm at 4 centimeters, a little less than half way there," Mac sighed. "Hand."

"Halfway there? Already?" he asked, removing his fingers from inside her and moving back to her side to offer her his other hand.

"I was probably contracting all day but didn't know it," Mac sighed. "Time them okay?"

He nodded and looked down at his watch. "Tell me when it's over."

Mac worked on breathing and concentrating for what seemed like forever, but in reality is was only two minutes. "Its over," she panted. "That was a tough one."

"It lasted for just over two minutes," he said, his eyes showing his worry.

Mac simply nodded, "Harm...I..."

He sighed, not knowing what to say. "I know, of all the ways you imagined this labor, being in the ladies room of a parking garage with your ex-husband wasn't one of them, but I'm here, I'm obviously not going anywhere, and I'll do whatever I can to help you through this."

Mac let one tear leak out of her eye, "There's one thing that's right about this," she sighed.

"You're here, we're here, doing this together," Mac replied softly.

Harm smiled, a bittersweet, broken-hearted smile. "Yeah, well..."

"It's true," Mac replied. "I'd much rather you with me that anyone else, especially Mic."

Harm looked surprised. "Really? You're glad he's not here, like actually glad?"

"Thrilled," Mac replied. "Things with us...well, let's say he showed his true colors."

Harm leaned against the wall on the side Mac was facing, squatting down but choosing not to sit beside her on account of the disgusting floor. "Can I ask what happened? I mean, you don't have to tell me, I'm just wondering why...?"

"He wasn't there for me when I needed him. When things with the pregnancy were rough...he was terrific but when Lucy got diagnosed, I started to feel like he was making me choose between her and this baby. If he did...well, you can see the choice I made, can't you?" Mac asked. She wanted him to hold her hand, but she was afraid to reach out unless she was having a contraction.

Harm nodded. "I don't get it, Mac. Lucy, uh, told me about you and Mic going to the 'special baby doctor' and everything. Why would you go through everything you two went through to get pregnant if he was just gonna walk out of your life like this?"

"He didn't walk out," Mac replied. "I kicked him out. Lucy is my daughter, she's here and she's real and I had to do everything I could for her, be there every minute, he couldn't tolerate that."

"Sounds like he couldn't handle playing second fiddle to anyone in your life, huh?" replied Harm.

"I don't think he could. And I thought you were controlling," Mac sighed. "Another one."

Harm held his hand out to her again and looked down at his watch. "It's been almost 10 minutes since the last one."

Mac nodded and started to focus on her breathing. The contraction was brutal and at its peak she stopped breathing, nothing working in her body as a result of the intensity of the contraction.

"Come on, Mac," he said. "Breathe, just like you know how to do. I know it hurts, but it'll be over in another minute or so. Squeeze my hand as hard as you have to, it's okay."

Listening to the soothing sounds of Harm's voice Mac managed to relax enough to breathe through the contraction. When she was finished, she looked, "How long?"

"A minute forty five," he said as he let go of her hand. "Do you think you'll make it till morning? Be honest with me, Mac; you've got no reason not to be."

"I don't know," Mac replied. "I could but...I just keep thinking about DJ. Long painful contractions, thirty six hours of them. I might make it, I have to, I don't have any other choice.

He looked at her. "Well, that's not exactly true, though I'm not so sure you really want me to do your delivery."

"Somehow I think I'd prefer Dr. Bradley," Mac replied. "Especially if it's like what he said it might be like."

"Which was what?" queried Harm, suddenly even more afraid than before.

"He said since the baby is so big I might not be able to deliver it naturally, and of course there's the risk of...well let's not say anything else for now," Mac sighed. "No reason for alarm."

He could sense she didn't want to think about all the frightening possibilities, and he didn't want to force her to. "Are you comfortable like that? Want to sit up at all?"

"I think I want to walk around a little," Mac said. "My back is really sore."

"Uh, I'm not sure you should do that," he said. "How about just sitting up a little? That way if you need to lie back down you're already there."

Mac nodded, "Can you..."

"Yeah," he said, sliding one arm underneath her and lifting her into a sitting position. "How's that?"

Mac shifted a bit then tried to ask again, "Would you..." But she froze up again.

"What is it?" he asked. "If you need me to do something, just ask. It's not like you've got too many options, you know?" He ended his sentence with a little smile, glad he was there to help her, but wishing they weren't in such a serious predicament.

"Do you think you could rub my back like you used to do?" Mac asked looking sheepish.

"Umm...yeah, sure," he replied, knowing she wouldn't ask if she didn't need him to do it, but feeling his heart break as he thought back on the births of Lucy and DJ. Those were such joyous times in his life, and this...well, this was sad on so many levels.

"Remember when she was born?" Mac asked reading part of his thoughts. "She wanted to stay in there and nothing the doctors tried got her out before she was good and ready."

"Yeah, I remember," he said as he gently massaged her lower back. "I was afraid I wouldn't make it in time, and I got there and you were still a long way from delivering."

"Ten hours," Mac sighed. "I'll never forget the look on your face when they told you it was a girl. The whole time you'd wanted a son, but one look at her..." Her voice cracked then and she let out a sob.

"Hey, Mac," he said softly, placing his hands on her shoulders without thinking twice. "She'll be fine. She's responding well to the treatment, and she's gonna beat this."

"If she doesn't it will be my fault," Mac whispered. "All my fault. She was sick for a long time and I never even noticed."

"No, it wouldn't be your fault," he said, hands still on Mac's shoulders. "When she first began getting a sick a lot, I was still around and I didn't see how serious it was, either. We let...other things in our lives at the time distract us, and that's not something I'll let you take total blame for."

"But she was living with me. I should have noticed the bruises, the nosebleeds...she was with you one weekend and you noticed it. Some mother I am..."Mac whispered.

He moved around to look her in the face as he spoke. "Mac, I didn't notice them, the doctor did. Please believe me, Mac, this is not your fault. Sometimes, bad things just happen, and this is one of those times. We have to stay strong for Lucy's sake, and that means none of this self-berating, okay? You're... you're a good mother."

"I just can't help thinking if I was more alert we could have caught it before it spread, now...Oh, God!!" she gasped as she felt another contractions come on.

"It's okay" he soothed. "I'm right here. Take my hands...good...now breathe..." He looked down at his watch; it'd only been 10 minutes since the last contraction.

"It really...this one is...Oh!" she cried out again as the pain seized her around the back and the front at the same time.

"Try to concentrate on breathing, Mac" he said. "I know it hurts and there's nothing I can do to change that, but just take it one second at a time, in and out..."

This time his gentle coaxing failed all Mac could do was cry out and gasp from breath.

He began to panic. "I'm gonna lie you back down, okay? Let's try lying on your side, maybe that'll help take some pressure off your back."

Mac didn't say or do anything, just gave her care over to him. Anything would better than this.


	75. Chapter 75

A/N: I will try to update every day this week since we are into the home stretch for this story. Thanks for sticking it out so long.

Disclaimers apply.

Chapter 75

Harm slowly laid her back down and rolled her onto her left side as the contraction maintained a death grip on her body. "Breathe, Mac, come on, you know how, long and slow...just like that..."

The new position did help take some of the pressure off and she was able to draw several adequate breaths until the contraction finally let up. "Oh," she sighed. "Harm..."

"What?" he asked, still holding onto her hand.

"It hurts so bad," she whispered. "Worse than DJ. He said this might happen..."

Harm nodded. "Level with me, Mac. If this happens before we get out of here, I need to know what to expect. What did Dr. Bradley say might happen with this delivery?"

"He said...he said that the baby could get stuck or that my uterus could rupture, and if that happens..." Mac started to breath deeply again still winded from that last horrible contraction.

"If that happens, you could both die in here," said Harm, hating the words but knowing they had to be said. "Well, all we can do is wait and see what happens. Maybe we'll get lucky and you won't feel like you have to push until we get out of here."

"Not both of us Harm," Mac said. "More likely me."

"Assuming...it happened after the baby was out," he replied. "I'm no doctor, but I know enough to know that if the baby gets stuck in there and your uterus ruptures, it wouldn't be good for either of you. We need to try not to think like that, though, because it's not like we have any control whatsoever over this situation right now, so whatever happens is what we'll deal with." He tried to sound encouraging and confident, knowing she needed him to be.

Mac nodded her head, "Positive. Let's talk about something else until the next one."

"Okay," agreed Harm, leaning against the wall and trying to think of a nice topic. "I heard from my mom the other day."

"Oh, how is she? Still hate me?" Mac asked.

He wished he could say that his mother never hated Mac, but they both knew that would've been a lie. "I think she's getting over that, little by little," he said. "She's gotten involved in some organic gardening club in La Jolla; said she loves it."

"Sounds like fun," Mac replied. "Did you sell that cabin in Utah?"

"Yeah, I did," he said. "I got tired of being so isolated, which is something you don't really think a lot about when you're thinking about buying a place in the middle of nowhere. Of course, when I bought it, I wanted the isolation, so..."

"It was a nice place," Mac sighed. "The view was breathtaking."

"It sure was," he agreed. "That's the one thing I miss about it."

"Any good memories from there?" Mac asked. "Anything really special?"

He shook his head as he stared off into space. "Not really...well, nah, nothing..."

"Not even those weeks we spent together?" she asked. "We managed to heal some wounds I think."

He looked at her with his eyes showing just a little more light than before. "Actually, that's the one good memory I have. I almost brought it up, but, you know, I wasn't sure..."

"I was so scared for you," Mac sighed. "You were so sick and so stubborn."

"I don't think I was ever sicker in my life than I was then," he said. "I should have been in the hospital, but like you said, I was too stubborn."

"When you got that arthritis...My God..." Mac asked shifting again to get more comfortable. "You were...Oh..." she stopped and moaned as another contraction seized her.

He slid closer to her and reached out for her hands before looking at the time. "Nine minutes; they're getting closer together."

"No kidding," she groaned. "Help me."

"I'll do anything I can," he said sincerely. "Just tell me what that is."

"Breathe," she gasped out. She needed him to breath with her to focus her exhausted mind.

"Oh yeah," he said, feeling stupid for not thinking of it himself. "In...out...in...out...good job...out...in...Squeeze my hand, just like that...great job, Mac..."

With Harm's coaching Mac found it easier to do the deep breathing she needed to do until the contraction let up. "That was easier. Thank you."

"Welcome," he said. "That one lasted a minute and a half; closer together and shorter."

"Shorter is good," Mac sighed. "I think...Can you look again?"

"Yeah, let me wash my hands," he said, standing up from his place at her side. Once he'd done that, he knelt in front of her again. "I'll be as quick and gentle as I can, but tell me if I hurt you."

Mac nodded. "I'll be okay."

"I'll start with two this time" he said, carefully sliding two fingers inside her body. He carefully felt around, like he'd done before, placing his fingertips in the same spot. "Wow," he said.

"Wow?" Is that a good wow?" Mac asked a bit nervous.

"I think so," he said. "The space feels bigger; lemme try three fingers and see." He slowly added another finger and as he hoped, all three fit into the space and there was even a little room to spare. "Wow, three and a little left over; you do the math."

"Seven," Mac sighed. "Too fast."

"I thought we wanted it fast," he said from the sink. "Well, actually we don't, we want it to wait until morning, but I thought you'd want the pain to be over sooner rather than later?"

"Yeah, but I'd rather have this baby in a hospital," Mac replied. "Harm?"

"Hmm?" he answered.

"If I do make the hospital," Mac said. "Will you stay with me?"

"Wow, Mac," he said, amazed at her request. "Uh...yeah, I will. Sure I will." His thoughts immediately drifted back to Annie's labor and delivery, how he'd been in the waiting area for that, and actually been a little excited only to have a piece of paper from the lab tell him it was all for naught a week later. This time, though, there was no pressure like that attached; no question of paternity. She was asking for his support, and that was one of the few things he could give her at this point in their relationship. "If we make it there, I won't leave you to do this alone."

"Thank you," Mac sighed. "I could always count on you. No matter what's been going on in our life, you never failed me."

"Okay, now I know you're in pain," he said with a halfhearted laugh. "I failed you, Mac; we both know that."

Mac shook her head, "I failed you. I shut you out, I realize that now." She sucked in a breath and started to breath deeply once again.

He dropped to her side and took her hands in his. "In...out...good...You may have shut me out, but I kept things inside when I should have talked to you about them. Great job, just like that...in...out..."

This time even his soft tones didn't work. She tried to breath but each breath made the pain feel worse. She took shallow gasps of air, until her eyelids began to droop and her world began to pitch.

"Mac! Mac!" he said. "Stay with me! Come on, keep your eyes open and breathe!"

Mac fought to listen and focus, but the burning pain inside her stomach did not allow for adequate breaths. She opened her mouth to try to speak, but made no sound as she was out of air.

Harm was terrified. If she passed out, he didn't know what he'd do. He could handle getting the baby out under the best of circumstances, but if she wasn't able to work with him, he'd have to sit back and watch both mother and child fade away. "Mac! Mac! I need you to breathe, now come on! Do it for your baby!"

Try as she might Mac was still unable to draw adequate air. She managed a few pitiful exchanges, until finally the contraction let up leaving her panting. "Pain," she managed to get out.

"I know," he said as he brushed the hair off her sweaty forehead. "I wish I could do something other than hold your hand and make you breathe."

She shook her head, "Pain still here."

His eyes grew wide with fear. "Pain? Like you need to push, that kind of pain?"

She shook her head, "No. Never felt before..." She told him.

"Where does it hurt?" he asked, feeling his heart racing within his chest.

"Back, legs, stomach," she listed. She gasped breathing hard as she communicated this to him.

"Do you think the baby is pressing on your spine?" he asked, doing a quick mental assessment of what she'd told him.

"Maybe," she answered. It was as good an explanation as any.

"Roll onto your side again," he said. "I'll help you, maybe that'll help some."

"Can't move," Mac bit out. "Hurts too much."

"Then I'll move you," he said gently. "Just lie still; I'll take care of you." As the words escaped his lips, he could've sworn he'd uttered that very phrase to her on countless occasions during their marriage, specifically the times when her endometriosis was at its worst. He still felt the same love for her now, as she lay on the floor of a parking garage restroom in labor with another man's child, as he felt for her every day since he'd known her. They'd grown apart, no question, but a piece of his heart had always belonged to her.

The new position helped some and Mac could relax a bit. "A little better."

"Good," he said as he looked at the time. "It's almost 0300. Only 5 more hours in here."

"Good," Mac sighed. "Not sure if I'm going to make it. Look again."

He nodded and rose to wash his hands, feeling like an old hand at this already. As before, he started with two fingers, then went to three, then four, then "Wow, Mac...I...I dunno about this."

"What Harm? What?" she asked.

He looked her in the eye. "I've got four fingertips in there, and there's still room. Does that mean what I think it means?"

"Not until its five, Harm," Mac sighed. "I don't feel like I have to push yet."

"Well, you're probably one, maybe two more big contractions away from being all the way there," he said as he pulled his hand back. "Oh boy..."

"What's wrong?" Mac asked.

"You're starting to bleed" he said. "Is that bad?"

"No," Mac sighed. "Some is normal."

"Okay, okay, good," he said, clearly relieved. "I've, of course, never been on this end of things before, at least not without a lot of help, so feel free to set me straight if I panic over nothing."

Mac smiled, "Same old Harm. Remember Lucy's first cut?"

"Boy, do I!" he said as he washed his hands again. "She grabbed my razor off the sink one morning, blade end of course, sliced right into her index finger. Blood all over, I know I only made it worse by freaking out like I did."

"I bet you were thanking God for the Marines then," Mac sighed, just as her breathing sped up signaling another contraction.

"I sure was," he said, getting to her side as fast as possible so she could have his hands in hers. "Breathe...in...out...just this one and maybe one more and you can push...keep going...in...out...great..."

Mac was able to do it this time for the most part until the pain gripped her back, "Oh!" she cried out. "Oh, God!"

"Stay on your side, Mac," he said. "It was better on your side, remember? Keep breathing...you'll get through it...good..."

Finally the pain stopped, and Mac could speak again. "How long?"

"Uhh..." He looked at his watch. "Lasted for a minute fifteen seconds, and it was 6 minutes after the last one."

"It felt like forever," Mac sighed. "Harm?" Mac gasped her voice filled with fear. "Again."

"Another one?" he asked in shock.

Mac started to breath again as she felt the contraction take hold. "Oh...oh God!" she gasped.

"Just like before, okay?" he said. "Just breathe; one at a time, in and out...you're doing great, Mac. I know it hurts so badly, but you're making it; you're getting there!"

She was starting to cry as she listened to his voice. She was terrified for herself, for her baby, and for Harm.

"You're okay, Mac, I promise," he said, wiping the tears from her face. "Keep breathing; breathe through the pain, and then it'll be over and maybe you can push open the next one...Come on, in and out, nice and slow..."

"I'm scared," she whispered as she breathed.

"I know you are," he said as she squeezed his hand harder than she ever had before. "I'm scared, too, but you know what? You're gonna have this baby tonight, and I'm gonna help you through it, just like I promised."

Mac nodded and took a long cleansing breath, "It's over."

He once again brushed the damp hair away from her forehead. "You want me to look again?"

"No," Mac tossed her head. "Again? Oh, I think I have to push."

"Shouldn't we make sure first?" he asked as she retained a crushing grasp on his hand.

Breathing hard through the pain she nodded.

"As soon as this one is over, I'll look, okay?" he said. "I'm willing to bet you're there, what do you think?"

"Aah," Mac groaned as she worked through the contraction. "I have to push now."

"No, not yet!" he said. "If you can let go of my hand, I'll check now and then you can push, but we don't want you wasting your strength pushing too soon."

Mac held fast to his hand, and continued to cry that she has to push until finally the pain ebbed. "Okay. Hurry."

He jumped up and ran to the sink, washing his hands in record time before dropping to his knees in front of her and checking her as fast as he could. "You're there, Mac!" he exclaimed. "No question! You can push whenever you want to!"

"Now," she gasped. "I forgot how."

He nodded and counted aloud for her as she pushed with all her might. "Eight...nine...ten, let it out and relax! That was a good one, Mac!"

"Can you see it?" she asked dropping back to rest.

"Not yet," he said. "But you've only pushed once. It'll show up soon, Lucy and DJ sure did."

It took another 45 minutes and 6 pushes before Harm could actually see the top of the baby's little head. After that point, things seemed to come to a brief standstill as her contractions stalled. She was in agony with the baby being so low down, but she was too exhausted to push any more. Somehow, she dug down deep and when the contractions started up again a half hour later, she was able to get back into pushing. She pushed for another 45 minutes and only moved the baby another inch, if that. Completely worn out and in horrible pain, she laid her head back against the makeshift pillow. "I...I can't do this anymore!" she cried.

"Yes, you can, Mac!" he exclaimed. "You're so close, come on!"

"No, I can't I don't want to," she sobbed. "It hurts too much."

"I know it hurts," he said, "But the baby is right here, you've almost got it out! Give me your hand, I'll let you feel it for yourself!"

"No, no," she sobbed. "I can't do it. I...Help me, Harm. Get it out!"

"I'm doing the best I can," he said, "But it's still too far in there for me to get my hands around, and I damn sure don't want to hurt it, so you have to keep pushing! Come on, Marine! Take a breath with that next big pain and push this baby out!"

That pain came just then, and Mac took a deep breath and held it, putting her last reserves of strength behind her into the push. This time she managed to move the baby and something else.

He saw the gush of blood, but he knew it wasn't something he should tell her about. For all he knew, it was completely normal, so he focused instead of cheering her efforts. "See? I told you that you could do it! You moved that baby a good two inches that time! A few more of those and the head should be out!"

Three contractions later, the head was out, and she'd begun to bleed even more. She was starting to lose her energy, and was still in agonizing pain, in spite of being one or two pushes away. "Again," she whimpered and breathed in to try to push.

"Just get the shoulders out, Mac!" he said, concentrating 100 percent on keeping the baby from moving out too fast. "Remember, just like you did with DJ? You can do it; I know you can."

Somehow she managed it and she felt the baby slip from her body and it Harm's arms. It was only then she felt the blood as well, dripping spilling from her body. "Is it okay?" she asked him, tears flowing down her cheeks.

"It's not crying," he said in horror. "What do I do?"

"Clear its mouth," she gasped through pain still dominant. "The rub it firm, not rough."

He did as she said, using his finger to clear the fluids from the baby's mouth and then rubbing his hands against the baby's body to stimulate it. "Come on, baby," he said. "Let's hear you cry...come on..."

After a minute, but what seemed like hours to Harm and Mac the baby let out a tiny mew, then a whimper, and finally a full blown cry. Mac smiled through tears and let her weary head loll against the makeshift pillow. "Is it a girl or a boy?"

He hadn't even thought to look before then. "It's a...a boy! He's big, too; I bet he weighs at least 9 pounds!"

Mac wanted to hold her son, and tried to verbalize that, but she couldn't. She felt a sharp pain, sharper than any she'd felt during her labor and let out a cry of agony in the form of Harm's name.

"Another contraction?" he asked, knowing she still needed to deliver the placenta.

Mac shook her head, "No," she whispered. "I think I'm bleeding."

He looked down, having not moved from his position for the past three hours, and found she was right. "You are," he said. "That's okay though, isn't it? I mean, you just had a baby, I know you're supposed to bleed some with that."

"Some...How much? No puddles," she tried to tell him. Then, "Baby?"

"No puddles so far," he said, "but you're bleeding pretty steadily. I'll watch it." He looked down at the baby in his arms, still naked and still crying. "You wanna hold him while I get my sweatshirt off and wrap him up in it?"

Mac accepted her son and studied him. He was long, and chubby, just like DJ had been. He was beautiful, just perfect. "Matthew," she whispered. "Matthew Harmon."

Harm looked up as he pulled his sweatshirt over his head. "What...what's his name?"

"Matthew," she repeated. "Matthew Harmon...Rabb."


	76. Chapter 76

All Disclaimers Apply

A/N: There are going to be 80 chapters total in this story. I finished dividing up the remaining 45 pages tonight and consolidated it into four remaining chapters. I will take a brief hiatus from JAG fic, but will return for the sequel though I doubt it will be as long.

Chapter 76

"Mac, you're delirious," he said gently as he reached for the baby in order to wrap him up. "He's...he's yours and Mic's, he's not mine. He's not a Rabb."

Slowly she nodded, "He is. He's your son, Harm. Just look at him. Look at his eyes."

Harm looked down at the infant in front of him, and studied the child's eyes. Most babies were born with dark gray eyes, some so dark the looked almost black, but not this little guy. He had the exact same deep blue eyes as Lucy and DJ had at birth...the very same.

"Look at his eyes and tell me he's not a Rabb," Mac said beginning to feel faint from the blood she was still losing.

"But...it's impossible," he said. "We've been divorced for...He can't be mine, Mac."

"Utah," she whispered. "That one time in…Utah."

Time seemed to stand still as Harm thought back to Utah, to when he was so deathly ill and she'd come out there to take care of him. He looked at her. "You mean...you and I...you got pregnant...in Utah?"

Mac nodded her head only once and felt her eyes start to close."

"No, no, Mac," he said, gently shaking her shoulder. "You need to stay awake, okay?"

"Pain," she whispered. "So much pain. So tired."

He laid the baby back on Mac's chest and moved back down to her other end. The bleeding had intensified, and she said she was in terrible pain again. "Mac? Stay with me! Do you need to push again, or do you just hurt?"

"Hurt," she whispered. "Burns."

He felt his heart begin to race again. "Okay, listen to me, Mac. You need to get that placenta out, and maybe you'll stop hurting. There's nothing I can do to help you there, you'll just have to do it when you feel like you can, okay?"

"Tired," she whispered again. "So tired."

"I know you're tired," he said. "You've had a hell of a long night and you did so much hard work, but I don't want you to go to sleep yet. Stay with me Marine; come on, stay with me..."

"Hold me," she whispered through bloodless lips. "Make it go away."

He moved back up alongside her and picked the baby up off her chest. Wrapping him snugly in the sweatshirt once more, he slid his free arm beneath her back and pulled her near. "Look at him, Mac" he said softly. "Isn't he...beautiful?"

"He looks like his Dad," she said licking dry lips as her body began to shake.

He pulled Mac a little closer in a show of loving support. "How do you know for sure he's...he's mine? I mean, you and Mic were trying..."

"The conception date, no questions..." Mac gasped. "Your son."

Harm didn't know what to say. Despite being in terrible shape, Mac seemed totally confident that this little boy was Harm's son. "Wow..." he whispered with a little smile. "What are the chances of that, you know?"

"The way it should be that's all," she said. "Never stopped loving you."

He looked down at her pale, sweaty face. "I never stopped loving you, either."

Mac looked up at Harm and met his beautiful blue eyes, "Do you love him Harm? Can you feel him?" He always said he could feel their kids, if he truly accepted Matthew as his, he would feel him too.

He looked down at the child, whom he'd laid back against his mother's chest to help keep him warm. "I...I...I don't know...It's such a shock...He's beautiful, but...can he really belong to me?"

"Don't think," Mac told him. "Take him in your arms and feel him. I need you to believe me, I need you to love him."

He began to reach for the baby when he realized he'd forgotten perhaps the biggest "dad moment" involved in the birth of a baby. "I can't really hold him unless I cut the cord. Should I do that or you want me not to?" She managed a weak nod.

"Hold him a minute more while I sterilize my knife, such as it is," Harm told Mac easing her down to the dirty floor. He ran his Swiss army knife under the water and removed his boot laces. He tied the chord like he'd done twice before and took the scissor portion of his knife and cut between them freeing the little boy from Mac.

"Take him," Mac whispered weakly trying to hand him the baby boy. "Then you tell me he's not yours."

Harm set the knife aside and once more reached for the baby. He lifted the boy from his mother's weak arms, and keeping him wrapped up snugly, he held the infant close. He stared into Matthew's deep blue eyes as they squinted and crossed, and in them Harm saw the joy and felt the love he'd known on only two other occasions. With a tear rolling down his cheek he looked over at Mac. "He's mine. I still don't know how...but he's mine."

Mac smiled a tiny smile only that quickly faded into a look of agonized fear.

"Mac, what's wrong?" Harm asked in a worried voice.

"It feels like my water broke again," she whispered. "Like someone broke it actually."

With the baby still in his arms, Harm slid back down towards Mac's feet and stopped in horror as he saw the blood pouring out of her like someone was pouring it from a gallon jug. "Oh my God..." he gasped, looking up at his ex-wife. "You're losing way too much blood, Mac."

She smiled again, "I know. But he's okay. He's safe."

"We have to make it stop!" he said as he laid Matthew on the floor a couple of feet away. "What should I do? This isn't supposed to happen!"

"Its okay, Harm," Mac told him.

"It's not okay," he insisted, not wanting to scare her unduly, but knowing that this hadn't happened with either of her previous deliveries. He'd only seen her bleed anything like this only once, that horrible night on the bathroom floor. "I don't know what to do! Are you in pain at all? Any more contractions? Tell me, Mac, so I can help you!"

"I can't tell," Mac replied. "It feels like I got stabbed, it hurts so much. I'm cold, Harm. Please come and hold me." Mac was bleeding so badly that rational though was not possible. She knew she wanted him near her, to hold her and love her. That would make it easier on her, only that.

"But I can't leave you bleeding like this," he said, hating himself for ignoring her request and trying to process what may be causing the extreme blood loss. "Listen to me," he said. "I need you to try and push the placenta out; I think that might be what's causing all this bleeding. Will you try and do that for me, Mac?"

"I'll try," she told him and sucked in a breath in order to try and push. She gave that push every ounce of strength she had, only on Harm's end, it seemed like she's done nothing.

"Come on," he said. "Try as hard as you can; I need you to do this for me!"

"I am trying," she told him and breathed in to try again.

He looked at her face this time, watching her struggle to find the strength to spend on the weak, tiny pushes she was giving him. It hit him that things were even worse than he realized, and he became more scared than ever before in his life. He was on the verge of complete panic when he heard the baby whimper.

"Hey, little guy," he said, pulling himself together. "Let me finish taking care of mommy, and then I'll pick you back up." Thinking back to what the medics had done that night in the bathroom, he grabbed fists full of paper towels and packed them between her legs as best as he could in hopes of slowing things down even a little bit. 'Please, God, let that be enough' he thought to himself as he picked the baby up off the cold, hard floor.

"He needs me," Mac whispered. "And I need you. I'm so cold, please come and hold me. That's all I need now."

With a nod of his head and a lump in his throat, he moved up closer to her and laid the baby in between the two of them. "Like this?"

Mac nodded, "I've dreamed of this."

"Mac...why...how come you didn't tell me you were pregnant?' he asked softly as he readjusted the sweatshirt around the baby.

"We'd hurt each other, you didn't want me anymore, I didn't want you to only be there for the baby," she whispered. "I hoped..." She paused and gave a weak little cough.

"What, Mac?" he whispered. "Tell me what you hoped."

"Hoped you'd come back on your own," she sighed. "Pipe dream."

"You mean you wanted me back?" he asked in astonishment. "After everything I put you through - put us through - after the divorce and all the horrible things we said...you wanted me back?"

She nodded, "I love you. I wanted you but I didn't think you wanted me."

"Oh, Mac," he replied, feeling the lump in his throat rise higher. "I've always wanted you. What happened with us, the whole mess with Annie and our divorce and all the awful sick things that happened because I allowed them to happen, those just about killed me. The day our divorce became final, I felt like the loneliest man on earth."

Mac didn't answer that one immediately. She instead started to cough again, a wet cough, and burrowed closer to Harm as her entire body started to shake from shock.

He placed his hands against her face. "God, you're sweating like crazy," he said, wiping away the drops as they formed on her face. "I'm gonna move around to the other side and lie closer to you, okay? It might help you stay warmer."

"I'm not making it out of here, Harm," Mac said as she felt him snuggle closer to her.

"Of course you are, Mac," he said. "We'll lie like this until they find us, and we'll get you to the hospital and you'll be fine." He heard the words and he knew he'd spoken them, he just...didn't really know how much he believed them.

She shook her head, "If...if I get out of here, what happens?" she asked still shuddering against the pain and the cold.

"You mean when you get out of here," he said. "I'll call for an ambulance, and they'll get you and Matthew to the hospital, and you'll stay a few days and then you'll...go home."

She shook her head, "I mean with us."

He looked her in the eye. "What do you want to happen?" he whispered.

"I want to go back to before," she whispered. "Raise our babies and..." The sweet request died on a cry of pain, by far the worst sound she made since they'd been in that room.

"What's wrong? What's happening? Talk to me, Mac!" He said, panic rising within him.

"Hurts more," she gasped out. "Bleeding more."

"Oh, God," he gasped, sliding back down to check things again. She was right; she was bleeding even more than she'd been doing for the past hour. That sight hit him harder than it had that night in their bathroom. She was bleeding to death right before his eyes, and he was powerless to stop it, as before, only this time there wasn't an ambulance en route to help them.

"Harm?" she spoke his name so gently it was barely audible.

"Mm-hmm," he replied, unable to speak just then for fear of falling apart.

"Make sure Lucy does her therapy every day, even if she hurts she has to do it, okay?" Mac decided while she still could she better take care of business.

All he could do was nod. He wanted to give her the speech again about how she was going to make it through this, but from where he sat, watching the blood pour from her body, he couldn't get the words out.

"And our boys, all our babies, take care of them, love them always, promise me," she said weakly reaching out for him to have him close.

"Mac..." he whispered, tears threatening to fall as he reached out to take her hand, moving back up to be near her. "I..." He tried to speak, but couldn't make it happen. Instead, he held onto her hand and looked down at the baby on the floor beside her, who was beginning to wriggle about and whimper just a bit.

"Promise me you'll take care of them, tell them..." She paused and closed her eyes for the briefest second. "Tell them Mommy loves them."

With those words, the dam gave way and Harm's tears began to fall, one atop another. "Mac...Mac," he cried. "It's okay; you'll...you'll be there for them, and we'll...we'll be okay. You and I; we'll..."

"Hold me," she whispered. "Please."

With a nod, he gently leaned down and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her clammy, exhausted body as near to his heart as he could. After a moment, Matthew began to cry, and Harm released one arm from Mac in order to scoop the tiny baby up, and together he held the two of them for several minutes, his heart unsure of which emotion to deal with first - the joy or the pain.

After lying in Harm's arms, safe and warm for several minutes Mac spoke to him again, so soft he could not hear her.

"What?" he whispered, pulling her a tiny bit nearer as his teardrops kept falling.

"There's no pain," she repeated with a little more volume and a small smile.

His only response was a muffled sob. He tried to be strong, he tried to hold himself together, but he could tell that nearly 11 hours after it began, this was almost over.

"Kiss me one more time," she requested wanting to feel that pleasure again.

With every ounce of emotional strength he possessed, he leaned his head down to hers and placed the most tender kiss of his life upon her lips. He held onto the kiss for what seemed like days before he pulled back and looked down at the baby in his arms, a sight which only added to his pain.

Mac gave a small smiled then looked from Harm's face to their son's and back to Harm before speaking, "Hold him in close," she whispered.

He did as she asked, his shaky hands moving the baby nearer to her.

Mac used her last reserve of energy to lean over the baby and kiss his soft forehead. "I love you," she whispered to Harm and to their son. She didn't have the strength to say it twice.

As he brought Matthew back towards his chest, he looked down at Mac, the only woman he'd ever truly loved in his life, and realized she was unconscious. As the sobs overtook him, he looked carefully at her chest, which was still rising and falling, albeit barely. It would take a miracle for her to even stand a chance of surviving this, and amidst that thought came a barrage of others: what would he tell Lucy and DJ? What would he tell their family and friends? How would he explain Matthew to them? How would he explain to Matthew...his mother? Lying Mac back gently against the makeshift pillow, he used both arms to cradle his newborn son close as he cried from the deepest parts of his heart.

Harm didn't know how long he sat their cradling his son and crying for his one true love. Finally, though his moment of piece was interrupted when the bathroom door opened and a short red headed woman with a mop entered, "Oh my God! What's happened? Sir," she came close to Harm. "Sir, are you all right?"

"No," he cried. "We got trapped in here last night and..." He looked down at Mac, her chest still moving up and down, but less than before, almost not at all. "Call 911, now!" he cried, looking down at Matthew, who joined his father in tears.

With a quick nod the woman took her radio and instructed security to call 911 and respond immediately to the A level restrooms. Within moments the room was flooded with emergency personnel, police, security, and finally paramedics who fussed over Mac and whisked her off so fast Harm barely had time to ask where they were taking her. "We're going right across," one medic told him. "Bring the baby."


	77. Chapter 77

Disclaimers apply.

Chapter 77

Harm followed closely behind the medics with Matthew in his arms as Mac was rushed across the street to the hospital. There was no waiting this time; they were all taken immediately to the back of the emergency room.

Mac was taken back to a trauma room while a young nurse approached Harm and tried to take Matthew from him.

"No," he said firmly, emotion still dripping from his every word. "Don't touch him."

"I have to take him, Sir," the nurse said gently. "The pediatrician has to check him. You can come with us."

"I can't leave her," he said, tears rolling down his face as he watched from a corner the flurry of activity around Mac's gurney.

"Their taking care of her," the nurse replied. "Don't you want to be with your son while we measure him and weigh him?"

Before he could reply he heard the ER doctor call, "Who is with this woman?"

"I am," said Harm, swallowing hard and trying to make himself appear as professional as possible.

"Who's her OB?" he asked. "She needs surgery."

"Dr. Bradley," said Harm. "Is she gonna make it?"

"We're doing all we can," he replied. "Someone page Bradley," he ordered as he disappeared behind the doors again.

Harm looked down at Matthew, once again asleep in his arms, and he felt himself begin to come apart for the hundredth time.

"Sir, come on now, let's us check your son," the nurse said trying to keep him focused. "We have to make sure he's okay. You can carry him," she bargained.

With a nod and a few deep breaths, Harm followed the nurse around the corner to another exam area.

Matthew was cleaned and examined and found to be in perfect health. Harm was allowed to hold him as he waited for word on Mac. He sat for about five minutes after the exam, and then saw two surgical shoes in front of him. "Commander Rabb?"

"Captain Rabb," corrected Harm, rising to speak with the doctor.

"I apologize," the young doctor said. "Dr. Bradley referred to you as Commander."

"I was the last time he saw me," said Harm solemnly. "How's my...how's Sarah?"

"She's critical. Dr. Bradley has taken her up to surgery to try to stop the bleeding. It is more than likely she suffered a uterine rupture while she was delivering the baby. He's going to do everything possible," he replied. "It will take a few hours. He suggested you might be with your daughter. But he's a boy."

"Yeah, he sure is," said Harm, looking at Matthew with a sad smile. "Dr. Bradley meant that I might be with my older daughter, who's across the breezeway in the children's hospital. Leukemia."

"Well, why don't you go there. He said he'd find you when he's finished with your wife," the doctor replied. "Oh and he suggested I give you this." He held out a bottle and burp cloth.

"Oh, thank you," said Harm. "I was just about to ask if I could get a bottle for him, you know, since his mom..." He stopped talking and looked around the room, trying to will himself to keep it together. "Anyway, thanks. I'll sit here and feed him, and then I'll send him back to the nursery and go sit with my daughter. Will you know where to send for me when my...when Sarah comes out of surgery?"

"I believe Dr. Bradley plans to go to your daughter's room. He assumed you'd be with her," the ER doc replied. "If...if it helps, Sir. She opened her eyes once in there."

All Harm could do was nod, picturing Mac in there, fighting to make it through this. "It helps," he whispered to the doctor. "Thank you."

Harm sat in the hard waiting room chair and fed his son. The boy ate greedily sucking the bottle down in record time, and burping well too. He would be a good baby, like his sister more so than his sometimes moody and picky brother. When Matthew was finished eating Harm turned him over to the nurses with instructions to come get him when it was time for his next feeding. Then, secure that his baby son was sleeping peacefully he went to see his baby girl.

He walked into Lucy's room and saw that she was still nibbling on her breakfast. "Hey, Button," he said, forcing a smile on his face as he walked into the room.

The nurse who'd been feeding her in lieu of Mac smiled, "Would you like to take over?"

"I'd be glad to," said Harm, allowing the nurse to vacate the chair next to the bed.

"Where's Mommy?" Lucy asked her father. Usually he came later after radiation and therapy.

No reason to lie. "Mommy can't come today," he said. "She had the baby last night."

Lucy smiled, "Did I get a sister or a brother?"

"You got," said Harm as he dipped the fork into the scrambled eggs and offered it to her. "A little brother and he's so handsome."

Lucy took the bite of eggs her father offered. "I wanted a brother."

"You did?" he asked with a smile. "How come?"

"I like DJ," she replied. Then, "No more."

"How about some of this toast with grape jelly?" he asked.

"No more," she replied and started to play with her chemo port.

"Don't mess with that, baby," he said as he piled the remaining food and utensils onto the tray and pushed it out of the way. "Well, you got your wish; you have a new baby brother."

"What's he called?" Lucy asked and continued to fiddle with the connection.

"His name is Matthew," said Harm. "Do you like that?"

"Like Mommy's Uncle," Lucy sighed. "Can I hold him?"

"I'm sorry, baby," said Harm, reaching over to gently move the child's hands away from the port. "Matthew is a tiny little baby, and they won't let him come over here because there are some bad germs that might make him very sick."

"When I go home?" Lucy asked. "That's hurting me Daddy."

"I know it is, Button," he said, "I'll see if they can do something to make it not hurt so much, but yes, when you come home, you can hold Matthew for as long as you want to."

"Is Mommy going to come tomorrow?" Lucy asked.

He took a deep breath. "No, mommy won't be here for awhile, maybe not for many more days."

Lucy's lower lip began to quiver then. "Then who's gonna help me with my exercises?" she asked. Mac helped Lucy do her therapy to keep her disabled leg muscles strong.

"Well," said Harm. "I'll be here, and I'll help you. I know mommy always did it, but I bet if you show me how, I can learn it really fast."

Lucy smiled a bit then. She hated those exercises. They hurt pretty bad. "We can skip them."

"I don't think so, Lucy Bear," said Harm with a little smile of his own. "Mommy made me promise to..." He couldn't get through the sentence.

"Daddy?" Lucy asked little brow furrowed. "Are you sad?"

He looked at his little girl. "Yeah, Luce. I'm very sad."

"Why?"

He rested his elbows on his knees, and his head in his hands, trying to find the words to tell her what happened. "Mommy is very sick right now. When she had baby Matthew, something went wrong, and she's having an operation right now to try and make it better."

"Sick like me?" she asked. "Does she hurt like I do?"

He shook his head. "No, she's not sick like you, sweetie. You see, she lost too much blood from her body when Matthew was being born, and that made her very tired and very weak. The doctor is trying to make the bleeding stop and make her feel strong again."

Lucy nodded and shifted in her bed. "I hurt right now Daddy." Mac had a sense for when Lucy started to hurt, Harm did not.

"You do?" he asked. "Do you want me to go tell your nurse?"

"You got to push that button," Lucy pointed to her PCA machine. "Then you hold my hand and sing to me."

"Oh, okay," he said tentatively as he reached for the button attached to the wire draped against the machine. He pressed it and heard it beep. "Reaching out to take her hand in his."What do you want me to sing, Button?"

"My sleepy song," she replied. "Got to help me lie down first. Those drops make me sleep."

With a nod, Harm stood up and helped the little girl lie down and get comfy, and then he wrapped both of his hands around both of hers and began singing the words which had been "her" song since she was still within her mother's womb. Within two minutes, Lucy was sleeping peacefully, so Harm let go of her hands and leaned down to kiss her forehead.

He watched her sleep for hours, learning her sounds when she'd start to hurt and pressing the trigger to deliver more medication. Finally he heard a soft tired voice, "Harm?" It was Dr. Bradley.

"Doctor," said Harm, rising from his chair. "Is she okay? What happened? Can I see her?" The questions came one on top of the other.

"Let's just slow down, Harm," the doctor said gently. "Let's find a place to sit down."

With a nod, Harm led the doctor out into a bench in the hallway, a few feet outside of Lucy's room. He took a seat and looked up at the doctor. "Tell me everything."

"Sarah suffered a massive uterine rupture while delivering her baby. She lost a lot of blood and the uterus was damaged severely. Her system couldn't withstand...I'm sorry, Harm," Dr. Bradley sighed. He knew this wasn't the news Harm was hoping for but nonetheless it had to be, and so it was done.


	78. Chapter 78

Disclaimers apply.

Chapter 78

"No...no..." Harm shook his head, his eyes wide and fixed on Dr. Bradley. He looked down at the floor and felt the tears coming over him. Determined to hold it together until he could be alone, he swallowed hard, put up his guard, and looked back up at the doctor. "I'm...I know you tried..."

"The surgery required to repair her uterus would be too much for her, it was either lose it or lose her. I had to make a split second choice," the doctor swallowed. "I hope you understand."

"You had to...wait a second," said Harm, turning in his chair to face the doctor head on. "What you're saying is you couldn't save her uterus?"

"I'm saying the damage was too severe. I had to perform a hysterectomy. I know Sarah was dead set against it, but it was the only choice," he replied. "Still I'm truly sorry."

"So she alive!" exclaimed Harm. "She didn't bleed to death?"

"She is alive, for how much longer...that's out of my hands," Dr. Bradley replied. "She'd lost more than two liters of blood before I got to her, more in the OR. Her body can't perform the basic life functions as of now, but she's fighting. She's fighting very hard."

"She's always been a fighter," said Harm softly. "I did the best I could last night, you know? Maybe if I'd-"

"No, no, no," the doctor interjected. "Nothing you did or could have done would have changed this. I warned them...I told Sarah and Commander Brumby what would more than likely happened given her endometriosis was never fully cleared up but...well you see," he sighed. "She's in recovery right now; she'll be in the ICU in an hour or so. You can see her then for a few minutes."

"I definitely need to see her," said Harm. "One thing, and I'm not sure if you can tell me anything about it or not, but...she said last night that the baby is mine. Do you know anything about that? I know she and Brumby were coming to you for infertility treatments, so if you can tell me anything...?"

"All I can say is they were on a break...they weren't...Sarah did not go through with the last AI appointment she schedule before going away. There is no way the child is Commander Brumby's. Not with her out of town nearly six weeks," Dr. Bradley replied. "That's all I can say."

Harm sat in dumbfounded silence for a moment. "So...Are you saying she wasn't pregnant when she left town, and she was when you saw her upon her return?"

He nodded, "That's about it."

Harm couldn't help but smile. This pretty much confirmed what Mac had already sworn to be true: Matthew was Harm's son. He looked at Dr. Bradley. "Well, I guess you already know what that means then, huh?"

The doctor smiled warmly, "I do. Again, I am so sorry I couldn't do more."

"It's okay," said Harm, feeling a myriad of emotions all at once. "We got our miracle baby, and Sarah's alive. I can't really ask for more."

The doctor rose from his seat then, "I've seen him. He's healthy and beautiful. I think I only remember one more so."

"Who was that?" asked Harm, trying to imagine any baby more beautiful that his new little son.

Dr Bradley looked through the door where Lucy lay sleeping. "Your daughter. She had her mother's delicacy from birth. How is she?"

Harm looked into the child's room. "She's hanging in there, but she has good and bad days. She asked where her mom was earlier; I know it'll be hard for Lucy not to see her everyday."

"Maybe in a day or so you can bring Sarah up to see her. Sarah said the cancer spread?"

the doctor inquired.

He nodded and looked down at the floor. "Some, but they're confident they've got it under control. She's a fighter, just like her mom."

Dr. Bradley smiled, "How are they treating her pain. Spinal cath?"

"Nope," answered Harm. "We said no, too much risk of infection. They've got her on a PCA."

"Required someone in attendance round the clock. Admirable still..." The doctor said just as the nurse that had taken Matthew from Harm appeared. "Dr. Bradley, there appears to be a disturbance in the nursery. We need you and Captain Rabb."

The two men looked at one another and immediately followed the nurse to the elevator. "What kind of disturbance?" Harm asked her.

"It involves your...Baby Matthew. There's a man there claiming to be his father, but he's admitted as a Rabb."

"Oh, great," said Harm. "Just what I don't need right now."

"I'm sure you knew this would happen eventually, Harm," the doctor said. "Should I leave it to you?"

"If you don't mind," answered Harm. "I'll be more than happy to take care of it. He's got no right to be here, and I'll make sure he knows it."

"I have to go check up on Sarah. It should only be another half hour now," he told him. "I'll have someone come for you."

"Thank you, doctor," said Harm, extending his hand for a quick handshake before turning to follow the nurse to the nursery. From down the hall, he could hear an unmistakable voice yelling "Let me see him! He's my son and you can't keep him from me!" Harm took a deep breath and stepped up the pace considerably. "Brumby!" he called as soon as the man was in sight. "Take it down a notch, this is a hospital!"

"I'm aware of that," he replied. "And I demand to know why my son has your name?"

"Do you really want to talk about this right here, in front of everyone?" asked Harm. "Let's go find someplace better so we don't disturb these folks any more than you already have."

Mic nodded and followed Harm to a more private area. "Why does he have your name on him? And where's Sarah?"

"For your information," began Harm. "They always admit newborns under their mother's last name because it makes record keeping easier, and since his mother's last name is Rabb, that's why he's listed that way. As for where she is, she's in surgical recovery." He knew neither of these answers would pacify Mic, but he wasn't going to make things easy for the man who'd all but stolen his family and then abandoned them when things got too difficult with Lucy.

"Surgical recovery? She had him by C-Section?" Mic asked accepting for now Harm's answer about the name.

"No," said Harm. "She didn't, but she should have."

"Then why?" he asked growing worried.

"Because," began Harm with a sigh. "There were some complications, some big complications, and... She had him last night while we were trapped in a rest room in the parking garage across the street. It was the hardest labor she's ever had, and she lost way too much blood. Her doctor had to do a hysterectomy to keep her from bleeding to death."

"Is the baby okay?" Mic asked, clear what he cared about.

"Baby's fine," said Harm. "I wasn't too worried about him once we got him out, but her... She almost died, and by the way...how did you even know we were here?"

"I've been calling Sarah every morning to see how she was. When she didn't answer I knew she would be here. I only hoped she'd had the baby and not pulled an all nighter with Lucy," Mic said this with a flat tone, but Harm read disdain, not for Mac but for Lucy.

"So what if she had been with Lucy all night?" asked Harm, feeling extremely defensive of his little girl. "Sarah kicked your ass to the curb; you're not a part of her personal life anymore, and what her family does or doesn't do no longer has anything to do with you!"

"She was pregnant with my son. He is a defenseless baby he has to come first," Mic shot back. "Lucy is seven years old she can do for herself some. You have her so babied..."

"One more comment like that out of you," glared Harm. "And you'll be thankful we're already in a hospital, because I'll pound you right into the ground. And for the record, she wasn't pregnant with your son!"

"Oh I beg to differ there, Harm," Mic replied. "I was right about her too, she is a little hellcat."

The next thing Mic knew, he was lying flat on his ass, a good five feet from where he'd been standing, looking up at Harm, who's fist was still clenched. "Care to try that again, Brumby?" asked Harm, his voice conveying his disgust.

Mic was up on his feet in a minute launching himself at Harm, slugging the taller man with a hard right cross. "She's mine now, Rabb. Whether she knows it or not."

"Like hell she is!" spat Harm. "She's mine, and so is the baby!"

"You lying son of a bi..." Mic began but before another blow could be exchanged they heard a strong. "Attention on Deck!"

The men immediately snapped to attention, recognizing the sound of their former CO's voice.

"Someone explain to me right now why two senior officers are acting like high school football rivals," the Admiral demanded. "Captain?"

"Commander Brumby was causing a disturbance," said Harm. "I was merely dealing with it, Sir."

"Commander? Is this true?" AJ asked.

"I don't believe so, Sir," said Mic. "I was merely asking the nurses to allow me to see my son, which they refused to do."

"I see," AJ sighed. "Commander, have you spoken to Mac about this?"

"I haven't had the opportunity, Sir" answered Mic. "The Captain here informed me that Sarah is in surgical recovery because of the complicated delivery."

AJ looked stricken. "Bad?" he asked Harm not knowing why, but assuming Harm had somehow been involved as neither he nor Mac made their good night call to DJ.

"Very bad, Sir," replied Harm, still completely caught up in using military protocol in speaking to AJ this time. "She delivered on the floor in a rest room across the street, I did the best I could but she lost too much blood and she nearly died before we got here."

"And now?" asked the worried Admiral.

"She's out of the OR," said Harm. "Her doctor had to do a hysterectomy in order to try and save her life, but the next 24 hours will tell a lot." He stared straight ahead, feeling the emotion well up inside at the thought of possibly still losing Mac.

AJ nodded, "All right. Consider these orders. Commander Brumby, until such time as Mac is well enough to share your son with you, either return home or wait her in silence. Captain, return to your daughter or wait for Mac in silence. Am I clear?"

"Yes, Sir," answered both men. "But Sir..." began Harm.

"Yes, Captain," AJ sighed.

"With regard to the Commander's involvement in this situation," said Harm. "Aside from the difficulty he's caused this morning, he has none. There's no need for him to remain here."

"Captain, Mac has given birth to his child..." AJ began.

"With all due respect, Admiral," said Harm. "You're mistaken about that, as is the Commander. The child is mine."

"Captain I realize..." Before AJ could finish the nurse that was tending Matthew stepped over to them. "Captain, he's hungry again."

"Admiral, permission to go take care of this?" asked Harm.

"Granted," AJ replied. "As long as I get to see him."

"Of course," said Harm with a smile as he began walking towards the nursery as AJ followed.

"I want to see him, too," said Mic firmly, also following Harm towards where the nurse stood waiting for him, with little Matthew in her arms.

"Come here, big guy," said Harm as he took the boy from the nurse. "Time to eat again, huh?" The nurse held out a 2 ounce bottle of ready-to-use formula, just like the one Harm had fed the baby earlier. "I put the nipple on it for you," she said, handing it to Harm along with a burp cloth.

"Oh, thank you," he said, taking it from her and looking down at the baby. "Where should I do this?"

"You can come in here and use a rocking chair if you'd like," she answered. "I'll have to ask your friends to wait out here, though."

Harm looked at AJ. "Would you mind?"

"Go on," answered the retired Admiral. "I'll be right here when you get finished."

"As will I," said Mic, arms crossed in frustration.

Harm chose to ignore him and follow the nurse into the nursery to give Matthew his bottle. He got settled into a plush glider rocker and held the baby close as he offered the bottle. "This is all new to me, sweet boy," he said softly. "I didn't get to feed your sister or your brother until they were a few months older than you are right now. Yeah, your mommy is gonna be sad about this, I know she is. She hardly even got to hold you when you were born, and now she's missing out on feeding you. Maybe she'll be well enough in a few days, we'll have to see." The infant listened to his father's voice as he sucked on his bottle, bright blue eyes opening and closing every few moments.

"Those eyes," sighed Harm. "I dare ol' Mr. Brumby out there to take one look at them and tell me you're not mine." He leaned down a placed a kiss on Matthew's little forehead.

Once the baby was fed, burped and changed, Harm got the nurses permission to carry him out into the hallway for AJ and Mic to see. As soon as he stepped out the door, Mic was in his face. "Let me see him," he demanded.

"Stand back," said Harm, shielding the baby within his arms.

Mic reluctantly took a step back, and Harm resituated the baby so that his face was more visible. He didn't say anything, he just held Matthew in silence, waiting for Mic to make the first comment.

"What makes you think he's yours?" asked the headstrong Australian. "You and Sarah have been divorced for ages and she and I had been trying for months before she finally got pregnant. I don't know how you think he could possibly be yours!"

"He is," said Harm plainly. "Look at his eyes."

"I'd be glad to," interceded AJ, stepping in next to Mic and looking carefully at the eyes of the newborn. After a moment, AJ smiled and looked at Mic. "Take a look; see what you think" he said.

Skeptically, Mic stepped a little closer and looked into Matthew's eyes for himself. After a few seconds, hr glared at Harm. "How the hell did this happen?" he spat. "You two have been divorced for…oh hell, forever, and she and I were trying - how did this happen?"

"When she came to Utah," answered Harm softly, reveling in the knowledge that he was making Mic squirm.

"So she went to Utah," said Mic, waving his hands in the air for emphasis. "That doesn't mean a damn thing! We were doing fertility treatments for months before she left!"

"Dr. Bradley said she wasn't pregnant before she left," said Harm simply, shifting Matthew in his arms a little. "But apparently she was when she came back. You figure it out, Brumby."

Mic shook his head, nostrils flaring as he took it all in. "You sick bastard…"

"Enough!" said AJ. "Clearly you two and Mac have some things to discuss, and since she's in no shape to do that right now, they'll have to wait. I strongly suggest you two steer clear of one another until such time as you can carry out that discussion in a civil manner! Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, sir," answered Harm with a hint of a smile.

"Yes, sir," echoed Brumby, a smile nowhere to be found.

"Excellent," said AJ. "Now, Captain, why don't you go back into the nursery and spend a few minutes with your son there, and I'll show the Commander to the elevator."

"Sir," said Mic angrily. "How can you call the baby 'his son' when all we've got to go by is his notion that-"

"Commander," said AJ, his patience wearing thin. "Did you look at that baby's eyes? It's not enough to stand up in court, but it sure as hell clinches it as far as I'm concerned. I've seen exactly two other babies with eyes that blue at birth - Lucy and DJ Rabb, and if Mac says this baby is Harm's, chances are she knows what she's talking about."

Mic looked back at Harm. "This isn't over yet, Rabb!"

"Yeah," said Harm. "It is. Face it, Brumby, you lost her. Actually, you never had her."

Too angry to rebut, Mic stormed around the corner to the elevator, AJ following behind to insure he made it on.


	79. Chapter 79

Chapter 79

Harm sat rocking his baby son when finally the hour was up, "Captain?" another nurse spoke to him. She was very young, no more than 22 or 23 and reminded him of a younger Mac, not in looks but in her firm businesslike stance. She was together, yet very human.

"Yes?" he replied, looking up from Matthew for the first time since he sat down.

"I'm Nurse Wilson, I'm here from ICU," she said gently. "He's beautiful. Congratulations. I just love babies."

"Thank you," replied Harm with a proud smile. "How's his mom doing?"

"She's...Its best you come with me," she told Harm. Mac had willed herself awake and was very scared. She was fighting her bodies need for rest until she had answers from someone she trusted.

Harm nodded. "Let me give him back, and we'll go." He rose from the rocker, handed Matthew off, with a kiss, and followed Nurse Wilson out the door.

"I should warn you, she is very weak and pale. She's also in a good deal of pain," the nurse outlined. "Keep it very brief."

"I understand," said Harm as the pair made their way to the elevator.

A few minutes later Harm was standing outside Mac's cubicle. It was a fishbowl the ICU, he hated it there, only most of the time he was a patient there, not a visitor. "Go on," the nurse encouraged. "Don't make her talk too much and whatever she says indulge her. She's still not out of the woods."

"I will," he said as he stepped through the doorway. He walked slowly to the head of her bed, not speaking until he was right beside her. "Mac?" he said softly. "It's Harm. Can you hear me?"

She smiled that same faint peaceful smile she had in the bathroom and spoke his name softly almost reverently, "Harm?"

"Yeah," he replied gently. "I'm still here. I'm not supposed to let you talk too much, but I wanted to see you."

"My baby?" Mac asked touching her stomach. "What happened to it?"

"The baby's fine," he said, placing his hand over hers. "He's in the nursery. I just finished feeding and rocking him."

"It's a boy?" she asked. "A son." That smile again.

"Yeah," he whispered. "We got another boy. He's so beautiful, Mac."

"He's ours Harm," she said having no memory of telling him or even naming their boy. "He's ours. Yours."

He smiled tenderly, a tear rolling down his face. "I know. He's our little miracle baby; the one we wanted so badly. We have him now."

Mac closed her eyes for a moment, and then look up startled.

"You okay?' he asked, instant worry hitting him.

"No, I..." She pulled her hand back and tried to push herself up from the mattress.

"No, no, Mac," he said, gently preventing her from sitting up. "You can't sit up yet, you just came out of surgery."

"But Lucy...I have to go..." She stopped talking losing her strength from moving too quickly.

"No, she's fine, Mac," he insisted as she quit trying to sit up. "I was with her this morning, and I fed her some of her breakfast, and gave her the pain meds and sang her to sleep."

"She has to be fed her lunch and her exercises..." Mac told him. "And...Why do I hurt so much?"

"I'll take care of her," he said, "I promise. You hurt so much because...Do you remember anything from last night?"

"I think...I remember getting locked in that dirty bathroom with you. You yelled at the door," she sighed and gave a tiny laugh.

He smiled. "Yeah, I sure did. Do you remember anything else?"

"You delivered the baby and it hurt so badly," she whispered. "It was cold. That's all I remember."

"It's okay," he said, taking a hold of her hand, careful not to disturb her IV port. "Matthew, he's fine, and so is Lucy, and so are you."

"I told you he's your son," she remembered. "And you cried. Why?"

He took a deep breath, trying not to cry again. "I was so...overwhelmed...that he could've even possibly been mine. You were sure, though. Even as much pain as you were in, you kept insisting he was mine."

"The minute I found out I knew he was yours," Mac replied. "To carry the child of the man you lo...you were married to...is like no other feeling."

"But...how?" he asked, still holding her hand. "You said Utah, but...?"

"We made love, Harm," Mac whispered rapidly losing energy. "You were so sick but we...we made love and we made Matthew."

"Just like that?" he asked tenderly. "After all you'd gone through with Mic, we made love once, and we got a miracle?"

"I had a dream Harm," Mac whispered.

"You did?" he asked, brushing the hair away from her eyes. "What did you dream?"

"It was all white and warm but I wasn't scared because...Grams was there. She said it, she said...that Matthew...he's from her," Mac told him, and then closed her eyes against a wave of pain.

Harm smiled and swallowed hard at the realization that the little blessing asleep one floor up from where they were, was indeed a gift from above. Noticing the pained expression on Mac's face, he turned his thoughts once more to her. "Can I get anything for you? Do you need more pain killers?

She shook her head, "I want to hold my baby."

"I know you do," he said, "But you're not strong enough yet. He's a big boy, 9 pounds 5 ounces. He's heavy."

"I need to hold my baby," she repeated. "Please."

He nodded. "Let me go see what I can do. I'll be back."

Harm went out to the nurses' station and asked if there was any way for Mac to hold Matthew for a few moments. When he got the answer, he returned to her side.

"I'm sorry," he said. "They said he can't come down here because of the germs he'd be exposed to. Maybe you'll be better tomorrow and can move to a regular room, and then you can see him and hold him and even feed him if you want to."

Mac meekly nodded her head and spoke softly, "I'm very tired."

"Get some rest," he said. "You've been through a lot. If you need me, I'll be right here."

She shook her head, "No."

"No...what?" he asked, taking her hand in his once again.

"Go to our babies, Harm," Mac told him. "I'll be okay. It's time for Lucy's lunch."

"Okay," he said. "You go to sleep, and I'll go feed Lucy. I'll let your nurse know where to find me."

Before Harm could rise to leave Nurse Wilson stepped inside, "Mrs. Rabb, it's time for your husband to leave now. He can come back later."

"I was just leaving," said Harm to the nurse as he let go of Mac's hand and pulled her blanket up just a little higher. "Can we speak outside?"

"Certainly," the nurse replied and led him out.

Once they were out of Mac's cubicle, Harm began to explain things to the nurse. "I'm not technically her husband," he said. "Well, I was, but we're divorced. I'm still officially her next of kin, though, so I guess I can do everything for her that I could when we were still married, but I just wanted you to know that we're, uh...we're not married...right now."

The nurse smirked, "Could have fooled me," she sighed. "Well, as next of kin, yes you still make her medical decisions and have privileges to see her and to restrict her visitors. Anyone you wish to restrict?"

"As a matter of fact," said Harm, "There is. Commander Mic Brumby. He'll probably come by later today, definitely by tomorrow, and I don't want him anywhere near her."

"Certainly, Sir," the nurse replied. "Are you going to wait here until you can be with her again?"

"No," answered Harm. "She asked me to go feed our daughter lunch; she's in the peds unit. By the time I finish thee, the baby will need to be fed again, and then I can come back and see Sarah."

"Peds? Tonsils?" the nurse asked feeling sorry for this frazzled father.

"No," answered Harm softly. "Leukemia."

"I'm very sorry, Sir," she replied. "Good luck."

"Thank you," he said, taking a deep breath as he exited the ICU and headed for the elevator to get him to the pediatric floor.

Harm could hear it before he even got off the elevator. There was no mistaking Lucy's cries.

He ran down the corridor to her room. "What's wrong, baby girl?" he asked, immediately opening his arms and taking her into them.

"She's been complaining of pain since she woke up, Sir," her nurse replied. "And now she's fighting me on her lunch."

"I'll take over," he said, holding Lucy close and rubbing her back. "She's not used to her mother and I both being away."

The nurse smiled, "If she's not better in a little while, I'm going to have to call her oncologist," she told him leaving the loving father to soothe his child.

"Ssh...it's okay, Button," he said. "Daddy's here. You don't need to cry."

Lucy sniffled and continued to whimper, "It hurts, Daddy. I want Mommy."

"I know you do, love," he said. "But mommy is still sick in her bed, but you know what? She asked me to come here and sit with you and help you eat lunch."

"I don't want my lunch," Lucy whimpered. "I don't feel good."

"Do you want me to push your button?" he asked, wondering when the last time was anyone had pushed it.

"Cathy pushed it," she sniffled.

"Well, I'll push it anyway," he said. "It might make you feel better." He reached over and grabbed the cord, pressing the button at the end. "There. Maybe that'll help some. You sure you don't want your lunch? It looks good."

"I don't want any," she whimpered and made a few tiny sounds similar to those Mac made at the height of her endometriosis flare ups.

"Okay, okay, sweetie," he said. "Do you want daddy to sing you your sleepy song?"

Again she shook her head and continued to make those little noises clinging to her father.

Unsure of what to do, Harm could think of nothing other than holding onto his precious little girl as she whimpered and cried. "What's hurting you, baby?" he asked as he kissed the top of her head.

"My back and belly," she whispered. "They burned me again."

He had to swallow hard and count backwards from ten in his head to keep himself from breaking down in front of Lucy, which would've only made things worse. "I'm sorry they had to do that, Button. Can daddy do anything to make it stop hurting?"

Meanwhile Lucy's nurse heard her continue to cry and paged her doctor. He arrived and entered with a bright smile, "Hi, Lucy. What's the matter, Sweetheart?" he asked before Lucy answered her Daddy.

"She said her back and her belly hurt," said Harm. "From the radiation."

The doctor quickly checked the PCA, "She's locked out."

"I pressed it just a few minutes ago," said Harm.

"No more for an hour," he told him. "She's had all seven boosters. She'd do better with a cath."

"No," said Harm. "We haven't changed our position on that, and it's not likely we will."

The doctor shook his head, "Where's Mommy Lucy?"

"Mommy's sick in bed," cried the child. "I want her."

"Mommy's at home today, huh?" he asked gently. "But you've got your Daddy here all day."

"Mac's not home, Doc," Harm corrected. "She's down on the first floor. She had the baby last night."

Dr. Jacobsen had learned through the months dealing with the Rabb family that Mrs. Rabb's pregnancy was high risk. He only assumed with Harm's reference to the first floor she'd delivered with complications.

"Well, maybe if you feel better later and where the special mask Daddy can take you to see her for a minute. I think that would be okay," the doctor smiled. "Did you get a baby brother or sister Lucy? Is that why Mommy's here?" he asked as he reached out to remove Lucy from Harm's embrace.

"Uh-huh," she said, "I got a new brother. No, don't touch me, I want daddy!"

"Daddy can hold your hand, but I have to check your belly since it hurts okay, Sweetie?" he asked looking at Harm. Mac was firm with her when she did this; he had doubts about the father.

"Do as the doctor asked, Button," said Harm, pulling her arms from around his shoulders. "I'll sit right here and hold your hand, okay?"

Lucy screamed as if they were trying to kill her, but eventually the doctor got her gown up and checked around her belly. The skin was beat red there and on her back and the skin around the port was a brighter red. "Okay, good job, Lucy. Can I see your hand?"

Still crying, she held her hand out for the doctor to examine.

The doctor took a syringe from his coat pocket and injected some medication into her IV connection. "That will make you sleep," he told her.

"Mr. Rabb," he motioned to speak with him outside.

"Daddy will be right back, baby," Harm said, lying Lucy down against her pillow and following the doctor out into the hall.

"The port again," he told Harm. "Not as bad, but enough. Is there anyway we can get her mother up here. She's deteriorated significantly in the last 24 hours."

He shook his head. "Her mother is in ICU recovering from a severely traumatic delivery and an emergency hysterectomy. There's no way she can make it up here today. I'm the only one here, so tell me what I can do for my little girl."

"I don't know," he replied. "I gave her an antibiotic for the infection and some extra painkillers. She's...Her spirits are bad today and in her condition..."

"I understand," sighed Harm. "Mac wants to come see her, but physically she's just not up to it yet. Lucy wants to see the baby, but... Hey, later on, could I take her to see the baby through the window?"

"Not with that infection," the doctor replied. "He's a newborn...he has immunity from Mrs. Rabb. You can bring him to her."

"Daddy," Lucy whimpered from her bed struggling to move.

"Think about it, Mr. Rabb," the doctor said. "It'd do him no harm and could do her a world of good."

"I will," he said, "I need to get back to her. Thank you, doctor."

"I want Mommy," she cried to him. "I want to go home."

"Well, I'm not too sure about mommy today, baby girl," he said as he rubbed her head. "But when I go see her, I'll tell her that you want to see her, and maybe she can come for a minute. We'll have to wait and see, though, but I know baby Matthew can come in, and you can hold him and talk to him, just like you did when DJ was born."

Lucy let out a yawn then, "I'll like that I hope. Sometimes I don't like anything Daddy."

Harm clenched his jaw to keep himself in one piece. "Get some sleep, baby. I love you so much."

She yawned again, "My song?" she asked hopeful.

"Of course," he said with a smile, hoping the teardrops in his eyes didn't fall before his little girl was asleep.

Harm sat and held on Lucy for a half hour, singing until he was hoarse. Still nothing he could do could help the little girl fall asleep. The medication did little to dull the pain she was feeling, and even its narcotic effect could not ease her to sleep.

"You can't sleep, huh, Button?" he asked softly.

"No," she sniffled. "It hurts really bad."

"I know, sweetheart," he said, taking notice of how warm Lucy felt against his touch. "Can Daddy do anything else to make you feel better?"

"I want Mommy," Lucy whispered. "She cuddles me."

"I can cuddle you," he offered, knowing that he couldn't do it the way Mac did it, but he'd do his best.

"No you can't," she started to cry again. "You don't have pillows."

"I don't have..." It occurred to him that Lucy meant breasts, and he smiled a little. "No, I don't have pillows, but I can still hold you close like she does."

"But I don't want you. I want Mommy," Lucy said not understanding she'd hurt his feelings as she started to cry harder and whimper more.

With the fresh wave of tears his child was shedding, Harm realized that the one and only way to settle her down was to somehow allow her to see her mother. "Okay," he said gently as he tried in vain to comfort her. "Let me go talk to mommy's doctor and see if he'll let her come see you. Would that make you not hurt so bad?"

Lucy shook her head, "No. But I want her anyway."

Before Harm could get off the bed all the way, AJ walked in and frowned. He had a huge teddy bear with him but at the sound of Lucy's cries he went to the bed, "What's wrong?" The question was for Lucy or Harm, whoever answered.

"She's hurting a lot today, Uncle AJ," answered Harm. "She wants her mommy, so I'm gonna go see if I can make that happen. Would you mind sitting here with her for awhile?"

"Not at all," AJ smiled. "Want me to tell you a sea story, Skipper?" AJ asked reaching for the little girl.

"No," sobbed Lucy as she leaned into his embrace. "I want mommy."

"Well Daddy's going to try to get her for you, but how about that story until he gets back huh?" AJ pressed. "That or we could meet your new friend over there?" He pointed to the bear. Every time AJ came he brought a gift.

"That's a really big bear," she said, her tears slowing a little.

"Yep, he's here to keep you company and to cuddle with you when Mommy, Daddy or I can't be here. Do you want to name him?" he asked.

Lucy nodded. "I don't know a good name for him," she sniffled.

"What's your favorite name for boys?" he asked her rubbing the small patch of hair she still had on her head.

"I'm not sure," she said, her voice tiny and weak. "I have a new baby brother named Matthew. That's why mommy isn't here."

"I know. I got to see him and he's a really big boy. Do you like the name Matthew?" he asked.

"Mm-hmm," she replied. "It's like mommy's uncle. I haven't gotten to see my brother yet 'cause I'm sick. I want to hold him. Did you get to hold him?"

"Yes I did," AJ replied. "And you know what he told me?"

"He can't talk yet, Uncle AJ," said Lucy. "He's only a day old, and he's really little."

"I know that, but did I ever tell you about Admiral's privilege?" he asked.

The child shook her head gently.

As this went on Harm saw his opportunity to slip out the door and head back to check on Mac and on the possibility of her being able to be with Lucy. It upset him that AJ could calm her when he couldn't, but maybe a fresh face or a distraction was exactly what she needed. With this in mind he made his way to the ICU.

He peeked his head into Mac's cubicle, finding her sound asleep and thankfully so. Not wanting to wake her, he went to the nurses' station and asked about Dr. Bradley's whereabouts. The nurse told him she would page the good doctor, and said Harm was free to go sit beside Mac if he wished. He did just that, sitting with her for several minutes before realizing that it was past time for Matthew's next feeding. He was torn between remaining with Mac and waiting for the doctor, and going up to give the baby his bottle when Dr. Bradley appeared.

"You asked to see me, Harm?" the doctor asked. "She seems fine. Is there a problem?"

"Yeah," he replied. "But not with her. It's Lucy. She's taken a real turn for the worse these last 24 hours, and she's asking for her mommy over and over. Her oncologist said we've got to do all we can to get her spirits up again, and I told her I'd come check with mommy's doctor to see if mommy could maybe go up there and see her. I know Sarah's in no shape to do much, but I'm telling you, doc, Lucy is..." He felt himself begin to lose it, so he stopped speaking.

"I'm sorry, Harm. I just can't do it. Sarah is too weak to sit up on her own right now and I've seen evidence of infection...I can't in good conscience..." Harm cut him off violently.

"You're not listening to me!" he said. "Our little girl is up there, sick as can be and begging for her mother, and while I can't do anything else to take away her pain, I can, with your cooperation, give her some time with her mother! I realize Sarah is sick and in bad shape - I was with her all night last night, remember, I'm the one who had to coach her through the contractions from hell and watch her almost bleed to death as I sat next to her holding our son - but you and I both know that if she had any clue that Lucy was so upset over her absence, she'd do anything she had to do to be with her, and that's what I'm asking you to do!"

"I'm just afraid it would tax Sarah's system beyond its capabilities..." the doctor tried.

Harm ran his hands over his unshaven face. "What about having her transferred up there? To Lucy's room?"

"That's highly irregular, Harm," the doctor said. "Who's Lucy oncologist?"

"Dr. Jacobson," answered Harm.

"I'll tell you what, I'll have him paged and I'll speak to him. If he agrees we'll give it a try, but if Sarah starts to go south, she comes back here," Dr. Bradley replied. "Understood?"

"Yes, sir," agreed Harm. "Thank you, I know it's not how you usually do things, but Lucy's just so sick and..."

"I understand. My sisters's boy died of leukemia when he was eight, only he had AML which is a lot harder to beat," Dr. Bradley told him. "You're little one is doing just great."

"Captain?" Nurse Wilson appeared next to him just then. "You're needed."

"Where?" asked Harm with a slight sigh. He'd been up for well over 36 hours, and he was beginning to feel the fatigue.

"Sarah is awake. She asked for you," the nurse told him with a smile. "Whenever you are ready."

With a nod, Harm extended his hand to Dr. Bradley. "Thank you, again, for everything you've done for us."


	80. Chapter 80

Chapter 80

Harm returned to Mac's cubicle, where he found her awake and looking for him. "Hey," he said, pulling the chair close and taking her hand.

"Hi," she smiled. "You look terrible, Sailor."

He nodded. "It's been awhile since I slept. How're you feeling?"

"Sore. Tired, but I'll be okay," she said. "How's Lucy?"

"She's...upset," admitted Harm. "She misses you."

"I miss her. Is it a good day otherwise?" Mac asked, nothing a match for her mother's radar.

"Not really," he said, rubbing his free hand over his face again. "The port is infected again, and she's not sleeping, so she's feeling all the pain that she sometimes sleeps through when you're there. I'm doing my best, but..."

"I know you are," Mac smiled and rubbed his hand. "You missed a lot of time with her because of work. I know you are here every spare minute…Has Mic been by?"

"He was here this morning," Harm replied.

"Was he?" Mac asked. "He didn't come to see me did he?"

"Sort of, yeah, said Harm. "When I found him, he was in front of the nursery, raising holy hell over seeing 'his son and his son's mother', and when I questioned him as to how he even knew you were here or that the baby had been born, he said something about calling you every morning to check in, and when you didn' answer he knew you were here, either with Lucy or you had the baby."

"I bet he thought it was Lucy and was coming to chew me out," she sighed. "Did he get to see him?"

"Eventually," said Harm through a yawn. "After I knocked him flat on his ass for speaking ill of you and Lucy, AJ showed up and set us both straight. By then, Matthew was hungry so the nurse came to get me so I could feed him. After that, I took him out for Mic and AJ to get a look at."

"Did AJ like him?" Mac asked face shining with pride.

"Of course," smiled Harm. "He was a little, uh, surprised, but yeah, he loves the little guy."

"And you?" Mac asked. "Do you love him Harm?"

He looked into her eyes. "Of course I do. The more I hold him and talk to him, the more I know he really is mine; he's ours."

Mac sighed and shifted position a little bit. "Is he?"

"Well...yeah," replied Harm, "at least, you said he is, and he does have my eyes... You are sure he's mine, aren't you, Mac?"

"That's not what I mean," Mac sighed. "He's ours biologically but...what happens now?"

"You mean with us," said Harm, the weariness making his mind far less sharp than usual. "I...I guess I don't really know. I think that since Lucy's illness we have been able to put a lot of the pettiness aside, but there is still a lot of anger and hurt left for both of us. I want to be in you life again and in my children's lives even more than I am now.

"I want you to be in our lives again. We both make so many mistakes, you know?" she practically whispered.

"I do," he answered softly. "God, Mac, I just…I am so tired I can barely think straight. I just know I need to be involved in your life and Lucy's, DJ's, and Matthew's and not just in hospital rooms and on weekends."

"I know I need you to be a part of it, I'm just not sure how to go about that yet," she sighed. "You are right you are too tired and I hurt too much to think about it right now. What did he do to me? I was cut, I know I was."

Harm realized then that he hadn't told her about the surgery, and since she was asking, there was no reason to delay. "He...he did cut you," said Harm gently. "He had to in order to get in to where you were bleeding. He did everything he could do to stop the bleeding, but your uterus ruptured during the delivery, and there wasn't anything he could do to save it. I'm sorry, Mac."

"So it's finally come to that," she sighed. "I knew it would. Did I lose you know...everything?"

He nodded. "There was no alternative. It was that or let you bleed to death."

She nodded but said nothing more. He knew they'd have to deal with it eventually but for now Mac had other goals. "I want to see my babies, all of them."

"I bet you do," he said with a tired smile. "Dr. Bradley is seeing if Dr. Jacobson will let you room with Lucy, and if he does, I can bring Matthew in to see you both."

"Then I want you to go home and get some rest," she said firmly.

"I'm fine," he assured her. "I'll be sure to sleep well tonight is all."

Mac didn't have the energy to argue with Harm. She knew that it would be futile to do so anyway, he was still just as hard headed as ever. So was quiet for a few minutes then asked, "Harm, did we kiss last night?

He nodded slightly, still holding onto her hand. "We did."

"Did you mean it?" she asked. "Or was it a goodbye kiss?"

He looked her in the eyes, unable to answer right away. Finally, the answer came. "Both."

"Prove it," she whispered and continued to hold his gaze.

Rising from his chair beside the bed, he leaned over her and placed his lips against hers, very gently at first, but the more time that passed, the more intense the kiss became. Eventually, he pulled back. "God, I've missed that," he whispered.

"So did I," Mac replied. "I know it's true what you said now."

"It really is," he said softly. "I need you back in my life, Mac. I need us to put the past behind us and build a future together, like we promised each other we'd do the first time around."

Mac's only response was a tearful nod.

Harm left her alone to rest some more while he went to check in on baby Matthew. As he approached the elevator, he was met by none other than Mic Brumby.

"What're you doing back here?" asked Harm as he pressed the elevator button. "Feel the need for a second ass kicking today?"

"I want a paternity test," Mic declared. "And I want to see Sarah."

"Leave her alone, Mic," said Harm firmly. "She's in no shape to deal with you right now. You want a paternity test, you'll get one, but you're not going to go near her until she's out of here and decides she's ready to see you."

"We'll see about that," Mic replied. "You're not her husband anymore."

"And you never were," said Harm, his eyes growing wide with anger once again. "I'm her next-of-kin, and I'm calling the shots here. You can't see her, end of discussion."

Mic backed off, "All right," he said aloud. In his head though he said, "We'll see about that."

"Go home, Brumby," said Harm. "You've got no business here." He heard the elevator bell sound just then, and he looked towards the doors to see Dr. Bradley stepping off.

"Harm," he sighed as he approached. "I've just come from Lucy's room."

"And?" asked Harm, hoping for a good report but fearing the opposite.

"Dr. Jacobson was hesitant to allow Sarah to be moved to Lucy's room, given the child's condition..." he began.

"But Lucy's condition is due in part to not being near her mother," sighed Harm. "Did he outright forbid it?"

"He's concerned about excitement given her temperature and her back pains, but I...I made him stand outside the room for ten minutes and made him listen to her cry for her mother. As soon as he's finished cleaning her port we can move her upstairs. I'll release the baby for rooming in, if you stay with them tonight," Dr. Bradley replied.

"Deal," said Harm. "Sarah wanted me to go home and sleep, but if I have to stay here for their sake, no question I'll do it. Thank you, doctor. This means more than you know."

"You're little one is going to hate that man upstairs with her in a few minutes," Dr. Bradley told him.

"I know," replied Harm. "Should I go in there, or is this one of those things where the parents should come in when it's over and do the comforting?" Harm hadn't been there when Dr. Jacobson had cleaned Lucy's port before, Mac had done that.

"He's cleaning her port Harm," Dr. Bradley replied. He didn't know what little experience Harm had with the medical aspect of Lucy's cancer.

"Okay..." replied the exhausted father. "Bear with me, doc, I'm trying to keep a half dozen ships afloat at once on no sleep. Should I go to her or not?"

"Your friend is in there with her," the doctor replied. "Do you know what it means to clean an infected chemo port?"

Harm shook his head. "It doesn't sound good."

"He has to use solution to clean out the infected material and...it burns. If you have...Let me put it like this...you don't want to be there now, but I think you might need to be," the doctor replied.

"Okay," said Harm, looking around as he prepared to press the elevator button again and realizing that Mic had disappeared. "Where'd he go?"

"Where'd who go?" Dr. Bradley asked Harm.

"The man who was standing right here when you stepped off the elevator" said Harm, suddenly giving thought to where Mic had likely slithered away to. "He wouldn't dare..." muttered Harm, taking off towards the ICU.

While Harm was talking with the doctor Mac lay resting in her bed. She heard footsteps next to her bed and smiled, "Harm?"

"It's not Harm, Love," Mic replied as he stood near her.

"What are you doing in here?" she asked.

"I wanted to see you," Mic replied. "I had to wait until Harm was busy with the doctor. How do you feel?"

"Sore and tired, and...what do you mean you had to wait until Harm was..." She began to feel uneasy about this. "Does Harm know you're here?"

"No," Mic replied. "He warned me off you. He delivers the baby and he thinks you're his again. But you're not."

"Wait a minute," said Mac, her voice rising. "I'm 'his' far more than I was ever 'yours', that is if we must speak about me like I'm some sort of inanimate object who can be owned!"

"That's what he does, is it not?" Mic asked. "Why...The baby? Is what he said true?"

"That would depend on what he said," answered Mac, her pain coming on stronger the longer this went on.

"That the baby you were carrying, the pregnancy that I nursed you through, was caused by him? That that little boy is his. Is that true?" Mic asked.

She drew in a sharp breath. "It is, Mic. Matthew isn't your son, he's Harm's."

"So I did it for nothing?" he asked.

"If by 'nothing' you mean you did it for a child who wasn't yours," said Mac. "Then yes, I guess you did it for nothing."

"So all of the time, all of the nights I held you while you cried about the pain, all of the times I drove the kids around, all of the nights I sat here instead of you or Harm with Lucy and listened to her whining..."

"For God's sake Mic, you only did that once and anyway, she's just a child and she's fighting for her life! You're more selfish than I thought if you can begrudge that little girl for crying out in pain! " Mac hissed.

"She's spoiled Sarah, so is DJ, and that's Harm's fault," he shot at her. "So what now? Are you going to marry him again, or be his little slut?"

"I don't know if I'll marry him or not," she shot back. "But don't you ever call me a slut again!"

"I'm sorry, my feelings are just hurt," he sighed.

"Yeah, I imagine they are. What I did was wrong, I know that," said Mac. "Still, that doesn't give you the right to say those things."

"I just don't understand why ...why you want to throw us away when you don't know what he's going to do," Mic replied. "I took decent care of you."

"Yeah, until Lucy got sick," she said. "After that, it was all about how I was neglecting you for her, and that's what did you in, Mic. That, and..."

"Ah, Lucy!" he cut her off. "Always Lucy! You loved her more than me, more than the baby I thought was mine. It's a waste of time Sarah, she's as good as dead!"

Harm rounded the corner just in time to hear Mac tear into Mic with both hands. "You self-righteous, self-centered bastard!" she yelled as the hot tears streamed down her face. "Don't you ever say that about my little girl again! Do you hear me? I'm so glad Matthew isn't your son, I want him to be proud of his father!" She put her hands over her face and sobbed as Harm rushed into the room.

"What the hell are you doing in here?" he spat at Brumby.

"Finding out the truth," he replied. "And pointing out a few truths of my own."

He ran to Mac's side and placed his arms around her. "What did you say to her? You've got her in pieces here!"

"That's between us," Mic replied. "I'll be leaving now. I've got nothing left here."

"You're damn right you don't!" spat Harm, still trying to calm Mac down. "Don't come near us again, or I'll have you slapped with a restraining order so fast your head will spin, and that's a promise!"

"I won't come near you, at least not until the test is to be done," Mic said. "You'll be hearing from my lawyer."

"I'll look forward to it," said Harm sarcastically. "Now get the hell out of here!"

Mic thought it prudent to do just that, given the foot in mouth disease he'd just contracted. He left Harm to tend Mac and decided McMurphy's might just be the place for him.

Harm turned his full attention back to Mac, who lay sobbing against him. "I'm sorry," he whispered rocking her just gently enough to soothe. "I'm sorry. He wasn't supposed to be allowed in here."

"Its okay," she sniffed. "I think I needed to hear what he said."

"What did he say?" asked Harm, still holding her close to him.

"He said...He made me realize..." She sobbed. "We're going to lose our baby Harm. He's right."

"He's not right about anything!" insisted Harm. "Lucy is going make it, and we both know that. She's strong, she's half you and half me, and they don't come any stronger than that."

"But have you seen her?" Mac asked. "Really seen her. She's not Lucy anymore. She's lost all her hair, she can't walk...she can't feed herself...How can she fight if she can't even do those things? She's in pain all the time, Harm. All the time."

"I know," he said, feeling the emotion well up within his heart. "But she's a fighter, and one way or another, she'll beat this. I...I have to believe that, Mac."

"Well I can't believe this anymore," Mac sobbed. "I can't do it anymore. I can't. I can't!"

"Hey, it's okay" he comforted as he continued to rock back and forth slowly. "You know what? It's already time for Matthew's next bottle, so I'll go give it to him while you try and calm down from this whole mess, and then I'll go check on Lucy Bear, and if she's ready, we'll get you moved up there."

"What do you mean ready?" Mac asked concerned again about what he daughter was going through.

"Dr. Jacobson had to clean out her port," said Harm. "Once that's done, then you can go up there and room in with her. They're gonna let us have Matthew in there, too."

"She's all alone up there?' Mac asked panicked.

"No, no," said Harm. "AJ's with her; he's been there for a couple of hours."

That settled her a bit, "I'm going to nap but wake me when we go to her okay?"

Harm went down the nursery and fed the baby. Dr. Bradley found him there and told him it would be best to move Mac before dinner. The caring doctor had checked on Lucy again and reported her no better but no worse. She was still crying for her mother, and now her father too. "Let me go get Sarah. You bring Matthew up and acquaint him with his big sister."

"I'll be happy to," smiled Harm, wrapping his son in a clean blanket and making sure his little cap was on snugly before rising from the rocking chair. "Okay, Matthew Harmon," he said. "Let's go meet your sister."

Harm took great care carrying Matthew upstairs to Lucy's room. When he got there she wasn't crying any more, but she was still making pathetic little whimpers of pain. Through the doorway he was AJ sitting in the rocking chair, Lucy on his lap. He'd wrapped her in a blanket and sat rocking her. She was much paler than before and much more flushed and he prayed seeing Matthew and Mac would help her some.

"You've got a visitor, Lucy Bear," said Harm as he entered the room.

She looked at her father and smiled a little bit, but didn't speak.

"I brought your new baby brother in to see you," said Harm. "Do you want to hold him?"

Lucy nodded her head only once. "Let's put you in your bed, Lucy," AJ suggested. "You can lean against your pillow while you hold him."

Another single nod was her reply, as AJ lifted her up and moved her back to her bed, careful of the leads and wires attached to her little body.

Once settled, Harm sat on the edge of her bed and carefully laid Matthew into Lucy's arms. The baby made a soft little squeaking sound as his father looked on.

"He's big," Lucy said softly. "Is that why he hurt Mommy?"

Harm nodded. "Yeah, Button, it sure is."

"When can I see her?" Lucy asked. "Can I go like Dr. Jake said maybe?"

"Harm?" AJ spoke. "I'm going to relieve Bud on DJ duty. Good luck."

"Okay, AJ," said Harm. "As always, thanks..."

AJ nodded and left the hospital room a little choked up.

"You know what, Luce?" asked Harm. "Mommy is going come up to see you, and she'll get to stay in here with you for awhile. She can sleep in here and everything."

"Really?" Lucy asked. "Is she better?"

"She's not all better just yet," he said, adjusting Matthew's head in Lucy's tiny arm. "But she's enough better to come stay with you. Does that make you happy?"

Lucy shook her head, "This is a not happy day, Daddy."

His heart sank at his child's words. "I'm sorry, baby. Maybe tomorrow will be a happy day, huh?"

"I don't think so," she sighed. "Daddy?"

"What, sweetie?" he replied.

"Can you take me home?" she asked big blue eyes wide.

"Not yet, baby girl," he said, wishing at that moment he had the super powers his daughter used to think he had. "You have to stay here so the doctors can make you all better."

"I don't want to do this anymore," she frowned. "I want to go home."

"I know you do," he said. "I wish we could all go home; you and Mommy and Matthew, and we could pick up DJ from Uncle AJ's house, and all go home and watch a movie and eat popcorn, but we can't do that yet." Not only could they not leave the hospital, but there remained the issue of Harm moving back into the family home, something neither he or Mac were ready for yet.

"Hey," Mac smiled just then as Dr. Bradley wheeled her in. "Does someone want her Mommy?"

Lucy smiled when she heard her mother's voice. Mac returned it, "Do you want to come see me."

"I'll move you over, okay, Butter? asked Harm, taking Matthew from Lucy's arms and laying him on the bed and picking Lucy up carefully. "Sit very still, okay, Lucy?" he said as he lowered the child onto her mother's bed."

Lucy nodded, not really up to moving much. Mac wrapped her arms around Lucy and kissed the top of her head. "Mommy's here now, Baby. How do you feel?"

"I hurt," she said softly. "But I don't miss you anymore."

Mac continued to rock her just a tiny bit, "Where's the hurt, Baby?"

"My back" replied the little girl. "Dr. Jake hurt me."

"How did he hurt you, Honey?" Mac asked brushing a gentle hand across Lucy's fiery forehead as Harm looked on rocking Matthew.

"He had to clean out my port," said Lucy softly. "It hurt a lot. Uncle AJ held my hand."

"He did?" Mac smiled. "Were a brave girl? Were you Mommy's Marine?"

"No," said the child, beginning to cry. "I couldn't be; you weren't here."

"Ssh," Mac crooned. "I'm here now, Baby. Mommy's here. Mommy's here."

After a few minutes of gentle rocking and whispers of reassurance, Lucy finally drifted off to sleep. "Want me to put her in her bed?" asked Harm as he held onto Matthew. "You need to get to know this little guy."

"Okay," Mac replied. "She's burning up."

"I know," he said, laying the baby down at the foot of Lucy's bed so he could move her from Mac's. "She's on antibiotics for the infections, but it'll take a bit of time." He moved Lucy into bed without waking her, and covered her up before picking up Matthew and handing him to Mac. "Here you go," he said with a smile.

Mac made a tiny sound of pleasure, "Look at you. Oh, hello, Baby. Hello!"

"Mac," said Harm, "I haven't...I mean, I...thank you, for giving him to me."

"My pleasure, Sailor," Mac smiled. "You really don't remember making him?"

He shook his head. "No, but I know you do."

"Do you want to come home Harm?" Mac asked as she studied their son's face.

"I...It's..." stammered Harm, searching for the right words. "I want to come home, Mac. I want us to try again at the life I screwed up for us the first time, but at the same time I think it would be mistake to…Neither of us is ready to live in the same house together again yet."

She nodded, "I know. So what do we do?"

"Well," he began as Matthew started to wiggle a little, opening his eyes to look into those of his mother. "I was thinking...we should date. We never got to do that, and I'd really like to."

"Date? But what about the kids?" Mac asked.

"We'll get a sitter, Mac," he replied with a little smile. "What do you say?"

"I say yes and no," Mac replied. "We get a sitter some days, but others...others you stay with us, and we eat and watch TV together. How's that sound?" She asked as little Matthew let out his first real grunt.

"I think it sounds wonderful," he agreed. "I think the speed…We have to make sure we do it right this time, that we learn from our mistakes." Mac nodded but the smile on her face faded quickly.

"Are you okay?" Harm asked seeing the change in her expression.

"I think so..." Mac smiled. "I'm just so sad..."

"About what?" he asked, a look of concern on his face.

"I missed everything...holding him and tell me about him?" Mac asked. "How big and tell me everything."

"Let's see," began Harm. "He weighed in at 9 pounds, 5 ounces, he's1 21 and a half inches long, and he's perfectly healthy. He's got my eyes for sure, but his coloring is definitely yours, as is his temperament and his appetite."

Mac smiled, "I'm glad he has Rabb eyes. I love Rabb eyes."

Harm smiled in reply. "Well, all of our kids have them, must be those dominant Rabb genes."

"You wish, Flyboy," Mac smiled and yawned. "Are you staying the night?"

He nodded as Matthew started to fuss, "Uh-oh," he said. "Someone's unhappy."

"Think he's hungry?" Mac asked. "I don't think I have milk."

"Yeah, he's hungry," Harm confirmed, he'd heard that sound enough already. "Try if you want to, there might be more there than you think, but if not, I'll go get some bottles from the nursery and you can feed him anyway."

Mac smiled and pulled back her gown, fitting Matthew's mouth to her breast.

The baby squirmed and wiggled within his mother's embrace, unsure of what he was being offered. She tried a few times before looking up at Harm with tears in her eyes. "Go get him a bottle."

"He might be confused. Try again," he encouraged. "She didn't nurse easily either, not a first."

Mac did as he suggested, trying again to get Matthew to accept her, once more meeting the infant's rejection in the form of a strong newborn wail. She looked up at Harm again and shook her head. "He won't do it."

Harm knew how much nursing meant to Mac so he sat down and touched his son's head, "Hey, now. She's got what you want in there. Let's make this easy on Mommy and Daddy, okay? That's some good stuff in there." To Mac, "One more time. He'll do it. I know it."

Swallowing hard, Mac tired one final time to get their son to latch on and nurse. Again, he fussed and squirmed, and then, it all seemed to click. He took to her like he'd never known anything else, and nursed wholeheartedly. Mac looked down at him and then over at his father, smiling as the tears fell from her face.

"Just like before, huh?" he said with a smile.

"Not really," she said with a small frown showing through her smile.

Harm looked puzzled. "How come?"

"Because this time there's nothing to dream about," she sighed.

"Oh, Mac," he said softly, rubbing her shoulder as he spoke. "I know it'll be hard to accept that you can't ever have any more babies, but try not to let that steal away the joy over this little guy's arrival. There was a time when having him seemed impossible, but he's here and...he's ours, yours and mine, just like he should be. Let's get past the here and now and enjoy everything we can, and then, together we can work on...accepting the changes we've been hit with in the past 48 hours."

"I didn't want them to do that Harm, you knew that," Mac said starting to tear up. "Why did you let him?"

"It wasn't up to me," he said gently. "No one came and asked me anything other than who your OB was; once you went to surgery, no one asked me anything. Dr. Bradley said there was so much damage and so much bleeding that he had to either do what he did, or try to repair things and let you bleed to death on the table in front of him. They didn't let me have any say in it, but if they'd come to me with those options...I would've told them to go ahead and take it all out. I'd have hated it, but I would've hated losing you so much more."

Mac cuddled baby Matthew closer to her, "It was that bad then?"

"It was," he said solemnly. "He said your uterus was almost torn in two, right down the middle. Guess that explains why pushing him out hurt so much, and it definitely explains all the bleeding afterwards."

"It would explain what I dreamt then too," she sighed and ran her finger down the babies cheek to dislodge him. "Want to burp him?"

"You don't want to?" he asked.

"I'm getting tired," she replied. "I need to lie back for a bit."

"Okay, sure," he said, reaching over to take his son into his arms. "What did you dream about?" he asked as he rubbed gentle circles against Matthew's back.

"I think...we were in the bathroom and I was laying on ours coats and you told me…you still loved me. It was a beautiful dream."

He was quiet for a moment. "Um...that...that wasn't just a dream."

"No?" she asked raising her eyebrows. "I know you said you want to come home but can you still love me after what I did to you? After what we did to each other?"

"Do you still love me?" he asked.

"I think so," Mac replied. "I know so."

He nodded and continued rubbing the baby's little back. "We did and said some terrible things to each other, and soon after I got back to D.C. everything started to happen so fast we never really got to deal with much of it" He shifted Matthew a bit. "I never stopped loving you, Mac. Never."

"That's good," she smiled. "I never stopped loving you either, but…I agree we can't Just hit rewind. We have three innocent children in this and we have to this right."

He smiled at her, just a little one, playful and romantic, "Yes, we do and I cannot think of a better way than doing it the opposite of the way we did it before. Slow and steady."

Mac smiled her agreement and studied Harm as he held Matthew. The little baby so easily snuggled into his father's chest it almost seem for a moment like everything was perfect, like it should be. Harm's voice and words reminded her that it wasn't.

"Last night could've ended so many ways, you know? I was so sacred, Mac, for you and for him. I didn't know he was mine, but I knew he was yours, and I was scared for him."

"I wouldn't let him die, Harm. Didn't you wonder why I only hemorrhaged once he was out? I think I willed it, I felt the rip so much earlier but...I wouldn't let him die," she said. "The only thing that matters was that he made it. I didn't care if I died as long as he made it."

Harm studied his new little boy. "What if you'd...what if you never got to tell me he was mine?"

"You'd have known, Harm," Mac replied. "There is no father that is as connected with his babies as you are. You'd have held him once and you would have known."

He thought for a moment. "I think you're right, but I thank God we'll never know."

Mac smiled and tried to shift her body, a movement that caused a cry of pain as she pulled her tender skin about her abdomen.

"You okay?" he asked, deeply concerned.

"I'm in a bit of pain, but I'm okay," Mac replied the looked over at Lucy who'd begun to toss about in her sleep. "Is she okay?"

"I don't know," he said. "Should I push her button again?"

"You know how to check her for pain?" Mac asked moving again.

He shook his head. "Tell me."

"Well if she's moving like that it's either a nightmare or a leg spasm so run your hands over her legs. If they feel normal then it's a bad dream, check," Mac said and cupped her arms to accept Matthew.

"Okay," he said, passing the baby off to her and going to check Lucy's legs. "They feel okay to me; they're not tight or anything."

"Okay, just to be sure roll her and check her back. Especially near...near the lumps," Mac replied. "Also check the port...see if it smells or if there's run off. I should be doing this."

"You should be concentrating on getting better," he said as he gently rolled Lucy over and checked all the things Mac said to check. Once again he was thankful that while his schedule allowed him plenty of time with his daughter, he was usually spared moment's like this. "Everything seems okay to me. Does that just mean a bad dream?"

"That or her sleep is being disturbed by the pain, but I don't want to medicate her unnecessarily. Wake her up and ask her," Mac sighed. "If it is pain and we let it go the PCA won't work fast enough. If it's a nightmare, she'll yell at you and go back to sleep."

Harm gently shook his little girl's shoulders. "Lucy, baby, wake up. Lucy?"

Lucy stirred her little eyes fluttered, "What Daddy?"

"Baby," he said. "Do you hurt right now, or were you having a bad dream?"

Lucy laid there for a minute, "I had a dream that I hurt and I do," she replied with a large yawn.

"Okay," he said, reaching for the button on her PCA. "I'll give you some medicine, and you can go back to sleep. Mommy and I and baby brother are all right here."

Lucy nodded, "Daddy?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

"I love you, Daddy," she whispered, just before she fell back to sleep.

"I love you, too, baby girl," he said, leaning in to give her a kiss as she drifted back to sleep.

"You see," Mac sighed. "That's why I'm so sad we can't have anymore babies. You are the most..."

He sat down upon the edge of Mac's bed, as close to her as he dared get for fear of hurting her. "I haven't been the best father in the past, or the best husband, or even the best friend for that matter, but I want nothing more than to change all that. We've been hit with some terrible stuff in the few years, but...it's somehow, in some strange way, served to bring us to a place where we can have a second chance." He reached out and rubbed his finger against Matthew's cheek. "This little miracle right here... if it wasn't for all the bad times and everything we put ourselves through, he might not even exist. I don't care that he's the last baby we'll ever have together, what matters is he's here and he's okay."

Mac nodded, "He is," she smiled and reached out to touch him stubbled cheek. "And even more remarkable we are all okay."

With a tired smile, Harm leaned over and gave her a soft, sweet kiss. "We are."

**A/N: So this journey ends. As so many of you know I am not one for miracle endings where Lucy is miraculously cured and the whole thing was a bad dream, that is why they have sequels. I promised you a "shipper ending" and I feel that I have delivered since Harm and Mac are reunited and working towards rebuilding their life. I thank you all for taking this ride with me and invite you all to continue along with this family in the sequel which will be entitled after a country song I love, "Let's Be Us Again."**


End file.
